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CPS isn't all bad. I had to call them on a neighbor who had her two kids locked away and viciously beat them nightly. Since my call the kids have been seen outside of the house more than ever before, the nightly torture sessions seemingly stopped, and mom seems a lot happier.
I'm not sure that's the answer here. There are all sorts of adults taking care of this baby. Just the parents of said baby aren't doing it.
It doesn't sound like the baby is being neglected or abused. I wouldn't expect CPS to get involved.
They might come by but I'd expect them to essentially go- everything looks good here.
I can understand why you would think that but CPS also has resources to help. They may recommend that one of the relatives take custody of the baby temporarily and they have a lot of resources to help people like her get on her feet. I'll admit that they got involved when my son was born because I reported domestic violence. They actually helped me a lot. They gave me a referral to my local domestic violence shelter and that's how I got in.
They helped me with my first and last deposit for new place and with all sorts of things I needed for my son so they're not always a bad thing. I got clothes and diapers and all kind of stuff that I needed for him. They even hooked me up with some stuff that I didn't even know existed. People think that CPS is just out to take people's children and put them into foster care but that's not true. Those workers are already overworked and underpaid. They try to keep families together whenever possible. Only in very severe circumstances will they remove children.
Okay wow there's pretty big difference between an 18yo obviously not coping with a very hard situation and literally murdering her kid.
Allie knows the baby is safe with her family so there's no reason for her to step up. She making irresponsible choices like switching formula bc she didn't take the time to educate herself on formula but I see zero evidence she's doing this because she specifically wants to hurt her baby.
This has the potential to backfire though. If they call CPS for this baby on her if she gets pregnant again she may not trust them enough to let them help putting a future child in more danger. Just something to consider.
I don't know if it is different depending on the country. In Canada, when CPS is called and they remove a child from the home, then if CPS gets word the mother is pregnant again, they will notify local hospitals that CPS needs to be called as soon as this mother is admitted in Labour & Delivery.
(Just side note, in many parts of Canada it isn't called CPS. It can be Social Services or FACS, essentially I am referring to whichever governing body is responsible for child welfare)
CPS is NOT the answer and is much more traumatic for everyone involved. If the baby is kept safe with responsible adults and is getting its basic needs met through your brother, mom, and other family members, try to handle this among yourselves. Going to court and filing for a dependency on your own doesn't have to involve CPS. CPS has its place, but when the family is willing and able to care for the baby, they don't need to get involved, this is why family court exists.
you can try, but ime, based on my own childhood experience with them cps is a total crapshoot, their standards are low & it entirely depends on what kind of case worker you get... be prepared for them to do nothing for years if the baby is housed, clothed, fed, warm etc. then get an attorney which might actually do something.
from watching this unfold with my sister and her son no it probably won’t. my mom asking my sister for custody of her son was enough to scare her and get her to get her shit together and clearly allie doesn’t care it’s not going to get better and the only one who will suffer is that poor baby.
You call cps.
Your brother needs to go file an ex parte motion immediately and also petition for a GAL to be assigned to the baby. And he goes to court with them when the hearing is set and tells the judge what's going on. He fights for full custody so that she can't just take baby whenever and wherever.
It's not rocket science.
As a former foster parent, if I had a nickel for every time I heard extended family members go "I don't know what to do" I'd be very wealthy right now.
Fact is you DO know what to do. But you're shying away from it because it will bring the hammer down crushingly hard in your niece. But what you're not getting is that she needs that hammer to come down that hard.
I wish someone had brought the hammer down a lot sooner with a couple of my former fosters. By the time they landed in my home, they were already 12+. And if someone had just brought the hammer down through cps and family court, it would have saved them years of needless trauma. My worst case was a barely teenager who's father was going to sell her to his party buddy for some drugs for a night. Had an extended family member intervened with the first instance of mistreatment when she was 2, and fought for custody, things might have been different. She's a grown woman but will still come over and sleep in my daughter's room when she's upset or triggered. Sometimes, it's in the middle of the night; I'm asleep. I wake up, go to make coffee and there's a blanket fort in my living room with 2 grown women, 2 dogs and sometimes one or two other if my former fosters; all passed out like a puppy pile and Netflix is asking "are you still there?". And I have to go to the bathroom or my room so I don't wake them up with my crying.
That's what kind of life that baby will have unless someone makes the hard decision to bring that hammer down. If no one in the family does, someday a stranger will. But the scars will already be deep by then.
I wasn’t in the official foster system. Many many CPS cases over 17 years led to no help for me.
I don’t blame CPS folks though. I blame the system, my parents, and lack of resources.
The hammer came down as you say when my music teacher petitioned the court for custody of my little sister and me.
Didn’t know until several years later into essentially being adopted that CPS was only a few days away from putting us in foster care. 17 years of several cases a year (and more, I have an elder sibling about 5 years older than me and was out of the house already at this time)
Yup, this 100%. The problem is that everyone around this girl is enabling her by letting this shit just slide. Yes, it seems hard and cruel to do to a new mom who clearly doesn't know what to do with a baby and probably never should have had one, but it's not just about her anymore, it's about the baby. The real adults here need to step up and do what is necessary to give that baby the best life possible. Letting things go on like they are and trying to passively get the mother to take responsibility for her kid is going to end in disaster, possibly a tragic one.
I could tell stories that would make your hair curl and give you straight up nausea about how badly it can turn out. I can't foster anymore due to my health but my formers are still underfoot.
Some kids don't ever get intervention. And it never ends well.
All because "I just don't know what to do!" from other family members and friends who witnessed the mistreatment and neglect firsthand. In my opinion, they're just as guilty of the abuse and neglect as the parents are; and just as guilty for the outcome.
It's not that we don't know what to do, I had asked in the original post if there was something we could do before it got that far. In a perfect world we can offer her help and support to get her where she needs to be. I don't see that happening any time soon. And I'm realizing with this comment section it may not be fixable unless my brother does petition the court for the custody. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Oh my, you are a beautiful person. Your foster children are so fortunate that the Universe somehow placed you in their lives. I have been around a few damaged teens, and you can literally pinpoint where things went wrong each and every time.
Sending you positivity.
I'm sorry but Allie is just as much a victim in this situation. The father is no help and he doesn't sound very good. He left her to deal with this all on her own. That's a lot for anybody to deal with but especially someone so young.
Uh, no. It takes two to tango, they’re 18 and 19 so no age gap, she refuses birth control, and behaves horrendously irresponsibly. And there’s been absolutely no insinuation that the baby was the result of an assault. Nice try, but it’s genuinely all her fault.
I appreciate you trying to advocate for Allie. She's always been more like a little sister to me (my brother and I have a decent age gap and he also had her young). Her upbringing was very very similar to what she's now doing to the baby, my brother was in the military and had limited access to her at the time. When he got out, I won't make excuses for him, he should have fought for custody of her and didn't. I think he's wants to make up for it now with his grandchild.
But Allie is a product of the environment her mother raised her in. None of us want to see history repeating itself.
I understand that. I'm not here to judge anyone. She sounds like she loves her daughter but is overwhelmed. As much as I don't always have nice things to say about CPS, they're not always bad. They may actually give her some help. They would most likely recommend that a family member take temporary guardianship of her daughter while she gets on her feet. CPS isn't there to just take kids from their parents.
I saw her as a victim of this just as much as her daughter because as I said, she's so young and the father sounds like a real peach. Sure, she made some irresponsible choices but again, she's young and the father is just as much to blame. I don't understand why people judge mothers so harshly and no one says anything about the fathers like him who just walk away like, oH weLL, gUeSs iT's nOt mY pRoBLeM. I hope you can get her some help. If you don't mind, please update me. I wish you the best. 💜
Here’s the hard part: you have two children in this situation.
A baby.
And Allie.
Allie is old enough that she should be able to make her own decisions, but trauma and youth don’t always mean good decisions.
The baby can’t make decisions.
You should reach out to a social worker and see what your options are to help both. It may be through the courts, but the priority here needs to be the baby that has absolutely zero ability to protect themselves. They need an advocate.
You can't just take a baby for a few months and then give her back. It creates attachment issues as well as trauma. Also, you need legal custody or guardianship to be able to do anything for the baby like doctor's appointments, etc. Last but not least, without legal custody, Allie can come and take her baby anytime and there's nothing the cops can do about it.
I think also the case will have to include the dad as well because she has two parents who are being neglectful.
Your brother should talk to a family lawyer and see what can be done to do this the legal way.
With the baby's dad on probation for SA, he probably won't be allowed around the baby even if he was he is also an alcoholic and would do more harm than good. So yeah he definitely needs to be officially losing any parental rights he has.
I’d imagine this whole situation has been very traumatic for your niece and she is clearly not handling it well. I would call CPS and also reach out to the baby’s doctor and explain the situation and let them also report to CPS. Since there is family, more than likely CPS will give one of you temporary custody which gives you the ability to properly care for the child. COS has a lot of resources at their disposal for your niece. This will be a gently-ish way to hopefully stop the situation from getting worse and force your niece to take some action.
Agreed! Child birth is not a medically neutral issue. People get severe trauma from surgeries/ medical procedures they get sedated for. I can’t imagine the pain plus not being grown enough to feel comfortable advocating for yourself against a room full of strange adults (doctors, nurses etc). She’s self medicating some big feelings probably.
But yeah, call CPS. None of the above has anything to do with the baby.
Please know that for mandatory reporting of a situation like this __you can call right now! They have to have someone on phones 24/7 for CPS reporting DO NOT WAIT! DO IT ASAP! Please save that poor baby, bc it’s a BABY!__
Allie's parents need to step up and call CPS. If Allie has ignored their requests that she truly assume her parental responsibilities (with their assistance only) and obtain a mental health evaluation, the need to call CPS and/or file a petition for custody of the infant and cutting off or limiting Allie's parental rights in order to protect the child.
Maybe Ben could explain to Allie that if something, God forbid, happened to the baby that would require medical assistance that needed a signature, and she could not be reached/found the consequences could be fatal. At the very least, she could give them temporary custody. Talk with a social worker. They should be able to tell you what steps you should take.
Call CPS & file for temporary custody. Why are you all twiddling your thumbs while this baby is being neglected? How much harm are you willing to allow to come to a baby because you’re scared of the wrath of a teenager?
Where is she living anyway- doubt she can afford her own place. Has anyone considered putting her out?
She does live on her own. Her boyfriend makes decent money, he spent time in jail and then a kind of halfway house that made him work and put all of the money he made away for when he got out. He also was able to keep the job he had while in the halfway house. She also receives government assistance.
The baby isn't being neglected or harmed. The baby is always with someone else when Allie is partying/drinking/smoking. She quite literally does not have the baby. She will get the baby long enough to take her to the next person's house (between my mom, brother, Allie's mom, stepsister, and her other set of grandparents it's just been a revolving door).
You’re delusional if you think the baby isn’t being neglected or harmed. She isn’t caring for the baby. She leaves the baby with anyone she can in order to party. That’s neglect hon. Neglect by the mother!
She is harming the baby. It has no stability, no consistency. Isn’t seeing a doctor. Is behind on vaccines. That harm! Are you willfully blind?!?
Don’t call CPS. Have your brother keep the baby. Document how many times “Allie” calls and visits. Receipts of items purchased. Any medical stuff done for the baby. Then in 6 months or so say December. Have your brother take all his documents to a lawyer. I can speak from experience because I had to do this my nephew. I know have full custody with visiting rights, of my daughter
I was a young mom too. Following that path for a short time. My family drew boundaries and quit helping. I couldn’t afford a babysitter so I had to stop all of that. I was angry for years at them but now I’m very thankful they did. It was hard learning but it made me a very strong person. After my ex left when my son was 2 I was able to be strong enough to get a good job. Now my mom did babysit while I was at work but that was it. Again I still didn’t have enough to go out so I made due. My son and I are very close and I always say he was the only reason I made it through such a hard time in my life. Set boundaries. If none of that works get a lawyer and file for custody.
Oh sweet Jezus, take the wheel…
Okay let me explain this in a different way. You are the straight A student … just because you can doesn’t mean the kid with dyslexia can too…
You are right. But how about everyone being so damn self involved. And everyone selflessly helps out your niece.
Your brother just asked to hand over the kid… to a kid. Who went through birth at 18 I hope you still remember that wasn’t a picknick your brother will never understand that…
Go ask her questions because she is not doing okay.
Don’t interfere with your opinions, ask questions.
Figure out what it is that she needs. To feel okay again. Human again. Right in her body again. As long as she is not okay and she isn’t noticing it by self medicating or denial you all will make choices for her and not in her best interest but your own.
Someone else’s needs don’t have to line up with your opinion. It’s up to you to know the difference.
We have tried helping her directly. We've talked to her about PPD and how we can help with that. That's actually what got us here in the first place. She said she needed help because she didn't know what to do and she was so tired she needed rest. So my mom had been staying with her at her house for the first 2-3 weeks of the baby's life to help her transition and help her learn how to take care of a baby (reminder, Allie told us she didn't know how and needed the help/advise). Then it quickly escalated to her asking someone to have the baby constantly and not wanting to hear anyone's opinions on it.
The best thing might be to try and get your niece some extra support, maybe a counselor or parenting classes or something to help her get on her feet. And in the meantime, it's good your family is there to make sure the baby is taken care of. Just try to be patient and understanding.
Has anyone tried to force her to take care of her own child? She’ll never learn to parent if everyone else is doing it for her. Someone needs to explain to her that she is responsible for the baby’s care and start helping her do it. If she refuses then maybe you go to court.
That's what my brother is trying to do by not allowing the baby over during the week. But the problem is that Allie's mom's side of the family does not see a problem and will keep taking the baby and passing the baby around, never letting her get consistency.
Why hasn’t anyone called CPS? This baby needs to be taken out of this fucked up situation. Your family is supporting this situation and it needs to stop.
The baby isn't being neglected or harmed. The baby is always with someone else when Allie is partying/drinking/smoking. She quite literally does not have the baby. She will get the baby long enough to take her to the next person's house (between my mom, brother, Allie's mom, stepsister, and her other set of grandparents it's just been a revolving door).
The baby isn't being neglected or harmed. The baby is always with someone else when Allie is partying/drinking/smoking. She quite literally does not have the baby. She will get the baby long enough to take her to the next person's house (between my mom, brother, Allie's mom, stepsister, and her other set of grandparents it's just been a revolving door).
CPS will not help as quickly as YOU or someone else willing to take baby full time filing for emergency custody.
I’ve been enmeshed in a similar situation for about 2 years. We volunteered to take my nephew’s newborn for CPS after he tested positive for fentanyl, they dragged their feet investigating, meanwhile baby’s parents seemed to get clean and fought us. We filed for adoption and emergency custody and won initially. In the end we lost, and in our case, baby is now 2yo and is being raised by my nephew’s roommates at least 50% of the time. I’d file for custody again but my husband would likely divorce me over it.
Bring the hammer down ASAP. Whoever does it has to get baby away from the chaos.
One of my closest friend’s parents took custody of their other daughter’s kids. She hates them for it, but she was neglecting them. If the neglect is already this severe, call CPS. She will either take it as a wake up call and change her ways, or she’ll be livid. Either way, it’s what’s in the best interest for the baby. And that’s what’s important in this situation.
I genuinely would not argue with you there. But that's not going to happen, we tried to get her to have an open adoption with a family friend and absolutely would not have it (while she was still pregnant, again I know it sounds awful but most of us expected this outcome). So the best situation would be for the baby to at least have some structure and be with just one family and not passed around.
I only read the first couple of sentences and I want to say while I'm not criticizing her, maybe she should think about giving at least temporary custody to somebody else. Like somebody in the family. Is there anyone in your family who's better equipped to care for the baby and wants a baby?
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Also your plan to have her leave the baby and force a child abandonment is good but you will need to get CPS and the authorities involved to access doctors for care etc. No doctor will provide care without your brother getting guardianship.
Maybe Allie and baby should live in those "first-time-moms" subsidized apartments that have trained support personnel available for both moms and babies.
Not sure if they have them in USA, but maybe they should have to benefit society. They are for young moms or single moms or for moms that have had hardships and need help on how to be a mom in the first few months. Cheaper to help now than deal with possible problems when the kid is grown up.
Ugh, yeah, that is not a thing here. It’s incredible, it should be, and I’ve heard abt it in other countries, but many ppl in our govt only *pretend* to care abt babies & families. Idk if OP is in the US or not, but would be/have been a great option here.
The child seems to have a lot of folks stepping up, just not mom. That’s good—except the part where mom’s lack of involvement affects baby’s health. Ugh.
Ben should seek custody bc right now, Allie is unable to do what she needs to proved baby the care it needs to thrive.
CPS will either help Allie turn things around or allow Ben custody, so calling is the right thing to do.
Sounds like a good family for doing right by that baby.
talk to a lawyer about how to file for abandonment and take over custody of the child. It could be after 6 months of the mother/father not being present you will have grounds for you or someone else to have custody and give the child a stable home. It is unlikely that the baby's parents will get their act together anytime soon.
have they considered adopting the baby out? it doesn't seem like they want to be parents.
We had a family friend that was willing to adopt the baby while she was pregnant and would still take the baby but Allie put on a good show during pregnancy even though most of us had a feeling this is how it was going to turn out.
They need to call Child Protective Services and get a custody order in place. This child is going to have a host of attachment issues. The sooner they do this the better.
If mom refuses to parent she needs to lose custody or go to jail for child neglect. She also needs to be looped into social services because hopefully they can get her to get on birth control.
Do not be too nice. This is dangerous.
The entire family needs to stop enabling Allie. Call CPS. Allie needs to relinquish custody or step up. Those are her only two options. Stop the enabling and let her deal with this.
Your brother needs to take that kid now. Clearly she’s too young and immature. She doesn’t care about the kid and isn’t prioritizing it. Someone has too
You don’t have to call CPS. Go to family court and have Ben start a custody case, they’ll be able to take the child to Dr appointments and maybe get more assistance for the child due to them being able to show they have some type of guardianship as well. The baby is the important piece of the picture, do whatever helps the baby. Forget helping Allie, she’s fine.
You guys have to call cps so this baby can get medical care. You have no choice here. She’s not doing anything and all of you need to make sure the baby’s health is attended to. The medical care is pertinent in a newborn until year one as all of you should know that.
That alone should have had you all on top of this. Do you guys not have her WIC card? You says she won’t change the formula but it’s already been changed. You all can shop for her food yourselves.
You all need to take action right now and not call her while you do it. If she doesn’t come home then do it while she’s not there.
She can take the baby and disappear so do something.
As much as it sucks she needs CPS called on her. I was not a teen mother, but I was a drug addict before I found out I was pregnant. My child changed me for the better, but Allie doesn’t seem to be making the changes and she’s neglecting her baby. My parents threatened many times while I was pregnant that if I continued using drugs after she was born that they would call CPS and take my child from me not because they wanted to punish me, but because they would always do what was best for my innocent child. It was hard to hear and there were lots of tears surrounding these conversations. But I 100% would want them to take her from me if I relapsed. I love her more than anything so I wouldn’t want to hurt her through my addiction. They need to do what’s right by their granddaughter because unfortunately the daughter is not a fit mother. I see many similarities to her and drug addict honestly. Maybe getting her child taken away will push her to grow up. Maybe it won’t. But she definitely won’t change while everyone is just accommodating her neglect. Everyone needs to do what’s best for the baby until Allie grows up and takes responsibility for her choice to bring a baby into the world.
Start documenting Allies and the father’s behavior and give it cps. If she won’t give up parental rights then it’s time to force her to make tough decisions
my family went through a similar situation with my sister, she had her son at 18 and the dad wasn’t really in the picture and she wanted to live her life like she had before so our mom had him for the first year of his life, thankfully not bounced around as that’s stressful on a child. my mom asked my sister to take custody of him so he could get her benefits because my mom was paying for everything out of pocket at this point and it was a lot on my mom. my sister freaked out on my mom and took her son and got her stuff straight and stopped messing around, and from that point on she was the one raising him not us.
allie honestly doesn’t sound like she wants to be a parent, something needs to be done and fast. if talking about taking custody isn’t doing anything then go for custody, show her y’all are serious. she can get pissed but if she cares about her child she will get her sh*t together to be what her child needs.
Study co-dependency, and see if you can determine the issues that your niece is trying to resolve by living as she is? Did your niece bond with her mother or father well? Is she in a rebellion stage due to her connections with people her own age? You can’t help someone that isn’t looking to be helped. Your grand niece though is vulnerable to much that she has been brought into this world situation with her mother & father. I personally believe in the power of prayer. And asking for discernment also in those prayer requests.
At 18 who the hell is ready to be a parent. I was 26 when I had my first and I was in over my head. It’s time to sit Ally down and have a family intervention with her. She needs to be told even though she is young she did the deed and now has different responsibilities in life and that’s the child first Allie second. I would also try to get her into therapy and give her options for the child.
Best of Luck on this but at least you have the babies best interest at heart.
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Call CPS. This won't get better.
As much as I hate CPS, I have to agree.
CPS isn't all bad. I had to call them on a neighbor who had her two kids locked away and viciously beat them nightly. Since my call the kids have been seen outside of the house more than ever before, the nightly torture sessions seemingly stopped, and mom seems a lot happier.
Are you’re able to give more details about the situation? Did the mom get any repercussions? Was she doing the nightly beatings?
I'm not sure that's the answer here. There are all sorts of adults taking care of this baby. Just the parents of said baby aren't doing it. It doesn't sound like the baby is being neglected or abused. I wouldn't expect CPS to get involved. They might come by but I'd expect them to essentially go- everything looks good here.
I can understand why you would think that but CPS also has resources to help. They may recommend that one of the relatives take custody of the baby temporarily and they have a lot of resources to help people like her get on her feet. I'll admit that they got involved when my son was born because I reported domestic violence. They actually helped me a lot. They gave me a referral to my local domestic violence shelter and that's how I got in. They helped me with my first and last deposit for new place and with all sorts of things I needed for my son so they're not always a bad thing. I got clothes and diapers and all kind of stuff that I needed for him. They even hooked me up with some stuff that I didn't even know existed. People think that CPS is just out to take people's children and put them into foster care but that's not true. Those workers are already overworked and underpaid. They try to keep families together whenever possible. Only in very severe circumstances will they remove children.
That is a very good point. And is something I'm aware about- though I'm not sure if its more true in some areas than others.
Agreed. As many awful stories as there are about dealing with CPS, sometimes it is the best and only option and does end up working out.
This sounds like the prelude to a horribly tragic news story. Call CPS.
Yeah it’s giving Casey Anthony vibes.
Okay wow there's pretty big difference between an 18yo obviously not coping with a very hard situation and literally murdering her kid. Allie knows the baby is safe with her family so there's no reason for her to step up. She making irresponsible choices like switching formula bc she didn't take the time to educate herself on formula but I see zero evidence she's doing this because she specifically wants to hurt her baby.
Neglect is hurting her child and child have died from neglect.
Of course she is. But Casey Anthony is not famous for giving her kid constipation...
This
This has the potential to backfire though. If they call CPS for this baby on her if she gets pregnant again she may not trust them enough to let them help putting a future child in more danger. Just something to consider.
I don't know if it is different depending on the country. In Canada, when CPS is called and they remove a child from the home, then if CPS gets word the mother is pregnant again, they will notify local hospitals that CPS needs to be called as soon as this mother is admitted in Labour & Delivery. (Just side note, in many parts of Canada it isn't called CPS. It can be Social Services or FACS, essentially I am referring to whichever governing body is responsible for child welfare)
CPS is NOT the answer and is much more traumatic for everyone involved. If the baby is kept safe with responsible adults and is getting its basic needs met through your brother, mom, and other family members, try to handle this among yourselves. Going to court and filing for a dependency on your own doesn't have to involve CPS. CPS has its place, but when the family is willing and able to care for the baby, they don't need to get involved, this is why family court exists.
They can’t abandon this child on the basis of the potential future child. They have to take care of this child.
you can try, but ime, based on my own childhood experience with them cps is a total crapshoot, their standards are low & it entirely depends on what kind of case worker you get... be prepared for them to do nothing for years if the baby is housed, clothed, fed, warm etc. then get an attorney which might actually do something.
The baby is safe. The family should file for emergency custody in family court.
They can handle this privately worries getting CPS involved. They just need to hire a lawyer and file for custody.
from watching this unfold with my sister and her son no it probably won’t. my mom asking my sister for custody of her son was enough to scare her and get her to get her shit together and clearly allie doesn’t care it’s not going to get better and the only one who will suffer is that poor baby.
You call cps. Your brother needs to go file an ex parte motion immediately and also petition for a GAL to be assigned to the baby. And he goes to court with them when the hearing is set and tells the judge what's going on. He fights for full custody so that she can't just take baby whenever and wherever. It's not rocket science. As a former foster parent, if I had a nickel for every time I heard extended family members go "I don't know what to do" I'd be very wealthy right now. Fact is you DO know what to do. But you're shying away from it because it will bring the hammer down crushingly hard in your niece. But what you're not getting is that she needs that hammer to come down that hard. I wish someone had brought the hammer down a lot sooner with a couple of my former fosters. By the time they landed in my home, they were already 12+. And if someone had just brought the hammer down through cps and family court, it would have saved them years of needless trauma. My worst case was a barely teenager who's father was going to sell her to his party buddy for some drugs for a night. Had an extended family member intervened with the first instance of mistreatment when she was 2, and fought for custody, things might have been different. She's a grown woman but will still come over and sleep in my daughter's room when she's upset or triggered. Sometimes, it's in the middle of the night; I'm asleep. I wake up, go to make coffee and there's a blanket fort in my living room with 2 grown women, 2 dogs and sometimes one or two other if my former fosters; all passed out like a puppy pile and Netflix is asking "are you still there?". And I have to go to the bathroom or my room so I don't wake them up with my crying. That's what kind of life that baby will have unless someone makes the hard decision to bring that hammer down. If no one in the family does, someday a stranger will. But the scars will already be deep by then.
If I had only one wish it would be for a soul as beautiful as yours. You truly are what we all should be.
I wasn’t in the official foster system. Many many CPS cases over 17 years led to no help for me. I don’t blame CPS folks though. I blame the system, my parents, and lack of resources. The hammer came down as you say when my music teacher petitioned the court for custody of my little sister and me. Didn’t know until several years later into essentially being adopted that CPS was only a few days away from putting us in foster care. 17 years of several cases a year (and more, I have an elder sibling about 5 years older than me and was out of the house already at this time)
Thank you for being such a good foster parent
Yup, this 100%. The problem is that everyone around this girl is enabling her by letting this shit just slide. Yes, it seems hard and cruel to do to a new mom who clearly doesn't know what to do with a baby and probably never should have had one, but it's not just about her anymore, it's about the baby. The real adults here need to step up and do what is necessary to give that baby the best life possible. Letting things go on like they are and trying to passively get the mother to take responsibility for her kid is going to end in disaster, possibly a tragic one.
I could tell stories that would make your hair curl and give you straight up nausea about how badly it can turn out. I can't foster anymore due to my health but my formers are still underfoot. Some kids don't ever get intervention. And it never ends well. All because "I just don't know what to do!" from other family members and friends who witnessed the mistreatment and neglect firsthand. In my opinion, they're just as guilty of the abuse and neglect as the parents are; and just as guilty for the outcome.
It's not that we don't know what to do, I had asked in the original post if there was something we could do before it got that far. In a perfect world we can offer her help and support to get her where she needs to be. I don't see that happening any time soon. And I'm realizing with this comment section it may not be fixable unless my brother does petition the court for the custody. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Oh my, you are a beautiful person. Your foster children are so fortunate that the Universe somehow placed you in their lives. I have been around a few damaged teens, and you can literally pinpoint where things went wrong each and every time. Sending you positivity.
I'm sorry but Allie is just as much a victim in this situation. The father is no help and he doesn't sound very good. He left her to deal with this all on her own. That's a lot for anybody to deal with but especially someone so young.
Uh, no. It takes two to tango, they’re 18 and 19 so no age gap, she refuses birth control, and behaves horrendously irresponsibly. And there’s been absolutely no insinuation that the baby was the result of an assault. Nice try, but it’s genuinely all her fault.
No, it's the father's fault too.
And I never said she was the victim of an assault so IDK where you came up with that but ok
Yes. I also said that. I understand your confusion, it seems you’re very obtuse.
I appreciate you trying to advocate for Allie. She's always been more like a little sister to me (my brother and I have a decent age gap and he also had her young). Her upbringing was very very similar to what she's now doing to the baby, my brother was in the military and had limited access to her at the time. When he got out, I won't make excuses for him, he should have fought for custody of her and didn't. I think he's wants to make up for it now with his grandchild. But Allie is a product of the environment her mother raised her in. None of us want to see history repeating itself.
I understand that. I'm not here to judge anyone. She sounds like she loves her daughter but is overwhelmed. As much as I don't always have nice things to say about CPS, they're not always bad. They may actually give her some help. They would most likely recommend that a family member take temporary guardianship of her daughter while she gets on her feet. CPS isn't there to just take kids from their parents. I saw her as a victim of this just as much as her daughter because as I said, she's so young and the father sounds like a real peach. Sure, she made some irresponsible choices but again, she's young and the father is just as much to blame. I don't understand why people judge mothers so harshly and no one says anything about the fathers like him who just walk away like, oH weLL, gUeSs iT's nOt mY pRoBLeM. I hope you can get her some help. If you don't mind, please update me. I wish you the best. 💜
Here’s the hard part: you have two children in this situation. A baby. And Allie. Allie is old enough that she should be able to make her own decisions, but trauma and youth don’t always mean good decisions. The baby can’t make decisions. You should reach out to a social worker and see what your options are to help both. It may be through the courts, but the priority here needs to be the baby that has absolutely zero ability to protect themselves. They need an advocate.
This is good advice for someone that wants to help but doesn't know where to start.
You can't just take a baby for a few months and then give her back. It creates attachment issues as well as trauma. Also, you need legal custody or guardianship to be able to do anything for the baby like doctor's appointments, etc. Last but not least, without legal custody, Allie can come and take her baby anytime and there's nothing the cops can do about it. I think also the case will have to include the dad as well because she has two parents who are being neglectful. Your brother should talk to a family lawyer and see what can be done to do this the legal way.
With the baby's dad on probation for SA, he probably won't be allowed around the baby even if he was he is also an alcoholic and would do more harm than good. So yeah he definitely needs to be officially losing any parental rights he has.
I’d imagine this whole situation has been very traumatic for your niece and she is clearly not handling it well. I would call CPS and also reach out to the baby’s doctor and explain the situation and let them also report to CPS. Since there is family, more than likely CPS will give one of you temporary custody which gives you the ability to properly care for the child. COS has a lot of resources at their disposal for your niece. This will be a gently-ish way to hopefully stop the situation from getting worse and force your niece to take some action.
Agreed! Child birth is not a medically neutral issue. People get severe trauma from surgeries/ medical procedures they get sedated for. I can’t imagine the pain plus not being grown enough to feel comfortable advocating for yourself against a room full of strange adults (doctors, nurses etc). She’s self medicating some big feelings probably. But yeah, call CPS. None of the above has anything to do with the baby.
Please know that for mandatory reporting of a situation like this __you can call right now! They have to have someone on phones 24/7 for CPS reporting DO NOT WAIT! DO IT ASAP! Please save that poor baby, bc it’s a BABY!__
Allie's parents need to step up and call CPS. If Allie has ignored their requests that she truly assume her parental responsibilities (with their assistance only) and obtain a mental health evaluation, the need to call CPS and/or file a petition for custody of the infant and cutting off or limiting Allie's parental rights in order to protect the child.
This poor baby. Sad situation. I agree CPS is overdue for a call.
Maybe Ben could explain to Allie that if something, God forbid, happened to the baby that would require medical assistance that needed a signature, and she could not be reached/found the consequences could be fatal. At the very least, she could give them temporary custody. Talk with a social worker. They should be able to tell you what steps you should take.
Call CPS & file for temporary custody. Why are you all twiddling your thumbs while this baby is being neglected? How much harm are you willing to allow to come to a baby because you’re scared of the wrath of a teenager? Where is she living anyway- doubt she can afford her own place. Has anyone considered putting her out?
She does live on her own. Her boyfriend makes decent money, he spent time in jail and then a kind of halfway house that made him work and put all of the money he made away for when he got out. He also was able to keep the job he had while in the halfway house. She also receives government assistance. The baby isn't being neglected or harmed. The baby is always with someone else when Allie is partying/drinking/smoking. She quite literally does not have the baby. She will get the baby long enough to take her to the next person's house (between my mom, brother, Allie's mom, stepsister, and her other set of grandparents it's just been a revolving door).
You’re delusional if you think the baby isn’t being neglected or harmed. She isn’t caring for the baby. She leaves the baby with anyone she can in order to party. That’s neglect hon. Neglect by the mother! She is harming the baby. It has no stability, no consistency. Isn’t seeing a doctor. Is behind on vaccines. That harm! Are you willfully blind?!?
Call CPS immediately. That baby will end up in danger. And her father’s SA charge? That family needs monitoring
Don’t call CPS. Have your brother keep the baby. Document how many times “Allie” calls and visits. Receipts of items purchased. Any medical stuff done for the baby. Then in 6 months or so say December. Have your brother take all his documents to a lawyer. I can speak from experience because I had to do this my nephew. I know have full custody with visiting rights, of my daughter
CPS might be the only way to get custody of the baby.
I was a young mom too. Following that path for a short time. My family drew boundaries and quit helping. I couldn’t afford a babysitter so I had to stop all of that. I was angry for years at them but now I’m very thankful they did. It was hard learning but it made me a very strong person. After my ex left when my son was 2 I was able to be strong enough to get a good job. Now my mom did babysit while I was at work but that was it. Again I still didn’t have enough to go out so I made due. My son and I are very close and I always say he was the only reason I made it through such a hard time in my life. Set boundaries. If none of that works get a lawyer and file for custody.
You need to call CPS. If you don’t it’ll end in tragedy. You’ve already left it a couple of months too long.
Oh sweet Jezus, take the wheel… Okay let me explain this in a different way. You are the straight A student … just because you can doesn’t mean the kid with dyslexia can too… You are right. But how about everyone being so damn self involved. And everyone selflessly helps out your niece. Your brother just asked to hand over the kid… to a kid. Who went through birth at 18 I hope you still remember that wasn’t a picknick your brother will never understand that… Go ask her questions because she is not doing okay. Don’t interfere with your opinions, ask questions. Figure out what it is that she needs. To feel okay again. Human again. Right in her body again. As long as she is not okay and she isn’t noticing it by self medicating or denial you all will make choices for her and not in her best interest but your own. Someone else’s needs don’t have to line up with your opinion. It’s up to you to know the difference.
We have tried helping her directly. We've talked to her about PPD and how we can help with that. That's actually what got us here in the first place. She said she needed help because she didn't know what to do and she was so tired she needed rest. So my mom had been staying with her at her house for the first 2-3 weeks of the baby's life to help her transition and help her learn how to take care of a baby (reminder, Allie told us she didn't know how and needed the help/advise). Then it quickly escalated to her asking someone to have the baby constantly and not wanting to hear anyone's opinions on it.
Apologies if misunderstanding. Does the OP live in a country where 18 is not the age of adulthood?
Yeah because it’s like a light switch right…
Have you considered getting help for yourself?
No it is not but adulthood comes with responsibility as much as with freedom.
The best thing might be to try and get your niece some extra support, maybe a counselor or parenting classes or something to help her get on her feet. And in the meantime, it's good your family is there to make sure the baby is taken care of. Just try to be patient and understanding.
Well, looks like she got a crash course in parenting!
Has anyone tried to force her to take care of her own child? She’ll never learn to parent if everyone else is doing it for her. Someone needs to explain to her that she is responsible for the baby’s care and start helping her do it. If she refuses then maybe you go to court.
That's what my brother is trying to do by not allowing the baby over during the week. But the problem is that Allie's mom's side of the family does not see a problem and will keep taking the baby and passing the baby around, never letting her get consistency.
Why hasn’t anyone called CPS? This baby needs to be taken out of this fucked up situation. Your family is supporting this situation and it needs to stop.
The baby isn't being neglected or harmed. The baby is always with someone else when Allie is partying/drinking/smoking. She quite literally does not have the baby. She will get the baby long enough to take her to the next person's house (between my mom, brother, Allie's mom, stepsister, and her other set of grandparents it's just been a revolving door).
The baby doesn’t sound like it’s in life threatening danger. I doubt CPS will do anything.
You have to ask if you should report a neglectful mother? Obviously you have to. NOW.
The baby isn't being neglected or harmed. The baby is always with someone else when Allie is partying/drinking/smoking. She quite literally does not have the baby. She will get the baby long enough to take her to the next person's house (between my mom, brother, Allie's mom, stepsister, and her other set of grandparents it's just been a revolving door).
PARAGRAPHS
Get a lawyer and sue her for custody.
CPS will not help as quickly as YOU or someone else willing to take baby full time filing for emergency custody. I’ve been enmeshed in a similar situation for about 2 years. We volunteered to take my nephew’s newborn for CPS after he tested positive for fentanyl, they dragged their feet investigating, meanwhile baby’s parents seemed to get clean and fought us. We filed for adoption and emergency custody and won initially. In the end we lost, and in our case, baby is now 2yo and is being raised by my nephew’s roommates at least 50% of the time. I’d file for custody again but my husband would likely divorce me over it. Bring the hammer down ASAP. Whoever does it has to get baby away from the chaos.
One of my closest friend’s parents took custody of their other daughter’s kids. She hates them for it, but she was neglecting them. If the neglect is already this severe, call CPS. She will either take it as a wake up call and change her ways, or she’ll be livid. Either way, it’s what’s in the best interest for the baby. And that’s what’s important in this situation.
What do you mean by no structure? The whole family is so dysfunctional the baby would be better adopted by a non relative
I genuinely would not argue with you there. But that's not going to happen, we tried to get her to have an open adoption with a family friend and absolutely would not have it (while she was still pregnant, again I know it sounds awful but most of us expected this outcome). So the best situation would be for the baby to at least have some structure and be with just one family and not passed around.
I'm sending love light and hope that baby can stay with one family asap 💕😘
I only read the first couple of sentences and I want to say while I'm not criticizing her, maybe she should think about giving at least temporary custody to somebody else. Like somebody in the family. Is there anyone in your family who's better equipped to care for the baby and wants a baby?
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Please add paragraphs by adding two spaces between a sentence to break up the entry here and there. Also your plan to have her leave the baby and force a child abandonment is good but you will need to get CPS and the authorities involved to access doctors for care etc. No doctor will provide care without your brother getting guardianship.
I copied and pasted it from my notes app and didn't realize the formatting did translate over, sorry!
Call CPS this child deserves better, or put her up for adoption!
Maybe Allie and baby should live in those "first-time-moms" subsidized apartments that have trained support personnel available for both moms and babies.
???? What? This can’t be in America, right?
Not sure if they have them in USA, but maybe they should have to benefit society. They are for young moms or single moms or for moms that have had hardships and need help on how to be a mom in the first few months. Cheaper to help now than deal with possible problems when the kid is grown up.
Ugh, yeah, that is not a thing here. It’s incredible, it should be, and I’ve heard abt it in other countries, but many ppl in our govt only *pretend* to care abt babies & families. Idk if OP is in the US or not, but would be/have been a great option here.
The child seems to have a lot of folks stepping up, just not mom. That’s good—except the part where mom’s lack of involvement affects baby’s health. Ugh. Ben should seek custody bc right now, Allie is unable to do what she needs to proved baby the care it needs to thrive. CPS will either help Allie turn things around or allow Ben custody, so calling is the right thing to do. Sounds like a good family for doing right by that baby.
You can call CPS, but you're not entitled to someone else's baby. It is also not up to you to determine if a parent is unfit.
talk to a lawyer about how to file for abandonment and take over custody of the child. It could be after 6 months of the mother/father not being present you will have grounds for you or someone else to have custody and give the child a stable home. It is unlikely that the baby's parents will get their act together anytime soon. have they considered adopting the baby out? it doesn't seem like they want to be parents.
We had a family friend that was willing to adopt the baby while she was pregnant and would still take the baby but Allie put on a good show during pregnancy even though most of us had a feeling this is how it was going to turn out.
They need to call Child Protective Services and get a custody order in place. This child is going to have a host of attachment issues. The sooner they do this the better. If mom refuses to parent she needs to lose custody or go to jail for child neglect. She also needs to be looped into social services because hopefully they can get her to get on birth control. Do not be too nice. This is dangerous.
The entire family needs to stop enabling Allie. Call CPS. Allie needs to relinquish custody or step up. Those are her only two options. Stop the enabling and let her deal with this.
Your brother needs to take that kid now. Clearly she’s too young and immature. She doesn’t care about the kid and isn’t prioritizing it. Someone has too
You don’t have to call CPS. Go to family court and have Ben start a custody case, they’ll be able to take the child to Dr appointments and maybe get more assistance for the child due to them being able to show they have some type of guardianship as well. The baby is the important piece of the picture, do whatever helps the baby. Forget helping Allie, she’s fine.
She’s *not* a fit parent. What is best for the baby?? Updateme.
Updateme
You guys have to call cps so this baby can get medical care. You have no choice here. She’s not doing anything and all of you need to make sure the baby’s health is attended to. The medical care is pertinent in a newborn until year one as all of you should know that. That alone should have had you all on top of this. Do you guys not have her WIC card? You says she won’t change the formula but it’s already been changed. You all can shop for her food yourselves. You all need to take action right now and not call her while you do it. If she doesn’t come home then do it while she’s not there. She can take the baby and disappear so do something.
Why did they even let her have a baby? This should have been an instant abortion. Now this poor child has to suffer
Call CPS ASAP
As much as it sucks she needs CPS called on her. I was not a teen mother, but I was a drug addict before I found out I was pregnant. My child changed me for the better, but Allie doesn’t seem to be making the changes and she’s neglecting her baby. My parents threatened many times while I was pregnant that if I continued using drugs after she was born that they would call CPS and take my child from me not because they wanted to punish me, but because they would always do what was best for my innocent child. It was hard to hear and there were lots of tears surrounding these conversations. But I 100% would want them to take her from me if I relapsed. I love her more than anything so I wouldn’t want to hurt her through my addiction. They need to do what’s right by their granddaughter because unfortunately the daughter is not a fit mother. I see many similarities to her and drug addict honestly. Maybe getting her child taken away will push her to grow up. Maybe it won’t. But she definitely won’t change while everyone is just accommodating her neglect. Everyone needs to do what’s best for the baby until Allie grows up and takes responsibility for her choice to bring a baby into the world.
Start documenting Allies and the father’s behavior and give it cps. If she won’t give up parental rights then it’s time to force her to make tough decisions
God help her & be with her and the baby.
my family went through a similar situation with my sister, she had her son at 18 and the dad wasn’t really in the picture and she wanted to live her life like she had before so our mom had him for the first year of his life, thankfully not bounced around as that’s stressful on a child. my mom asked my sister to take custody of him so he could get her benefits because my mom was paying for everything out of pocket at this point and it was a lot on my mom. my sister freaked out on my mom and took her son and got her stuff straight and stopped messing around, and from that point on she was the one raising him not us. allie honestly doesn’t sound like she wants to be a parent, something needs to be done and fast. if talking about taking custody isn’t doing anything then go for custody, show her y’all are serious. she can get pissed but if she cares about her child she will get her sh*t together to be what her child needs.
Have her parents file for emergency guardianship. CPS will get involved too.
The
Study co-dependency, and see if you can determine the issues that your niece is trying to resolve by living as she is? Did your niece bond with her mother or father well? Is she in a rebellion stage due to her connections with people her own age? You can’t help someone that isn’t looking to be helped. Your grand niece though is vulnerable to much that she has been brought into this world situation with her mother & father. I personally believe in the power of prayer. And asking for discernment also in those prayer requests.
Well, calling CPS will stabilize the baby's life . They'll select the best candidate for taking the baby. Please do this right now.
At 18 who the hell is ready to be a parent. I was 26 when I had my first and I was in over my head. It’s time to sit Ally down and have a family intervention with her. She needs to be told even though she is young she did the deed and now has different responsibilities in life and that’s the child first Allie second. I would also try to get her into therapy and give her options for the child. Best of Luck on this but at least you have the babies best interest at heart. Post a update