How do you guys tolerate this? Wdym you "have to struggle with this"? Why? What's this illusion of absence of choice? You guys always describe your partners as caring and understanding then proceed to describe the most uncaring and non-understanding person ever. Find someone sane and closer to your age please.
This š he loves me, 'he's sensible, caring, ambitious ".... Honey wait till she starts working and he's gonna have a problem with that too..... Call me regressive but 22 and 27 makes no sense to me.
Even if it is just going to be clothes (which it is unlikely of course), it is already huge enough on its own to be problematic. You are spot on about the age thing
Abusive behaviour might be misconstrued as caring. Friends and family fees into this assumption. I feel they should teach this stuff on telly or in schools, how will someone know how to identify these signs if they don't know what they are??
I donāt know ššš
He did change his way of dressing but that was because of me wanting him to try a different fashion sense. It wasnāt because of any problems that I had
Please do yourself better and break this shit off, you are not a child or a school kid for him to decide what you should wear.
A relationship is based on trust between equal partners, not some controlling shit by some man child or for you placate that man childs ego.
And I saw your comment about you not even going through your bfs following list, because all men masturbate on random women?? Girl what is that.
Andddd you being ok with his girl best friend because you don't want to seem backward, while he is doing this shit.
Maybe start demanding equal treatment and convey everything you are insecure about too.
And for future never be in a relationship with a guy who tries to act like your teacher.
Youāre going to look back on this relationship and laugh at how stupid you were for listening to him.
You deserve a man that hypes your outfits up, not one that makes you take down posts due to a wide neck lmao. This is toxic and bad, my abusive dad does this to my mom.
Some people have a mental notebook
It's like this....you suggested me to change my look and see i did , FOR YOU, now You have to listen to me too!!!!.... it is because they cannot diff between a suggestion and a command .
Op kind, understanding, supportive is a bit hard to judge in an LDR. OP take some time to reflect...in your mind you feel like..you have invested three years and now he is moving to your city ( hopefully he is moving to the city not just for the relationship)......but
TLDR;
You want to wear something
A) He doesn't want you to wear it, so you don't, you feel restricted but overall rltnship still goes in and you behave like you usually do.
B) He doesn't want you to wear it, You wear it, he becomes cold, you spend time trying to own up to him.
It's a forever cycle...talk to him tell him how it is affecting you otherwise it won't work, try to find a middle ground if he is willing.
Girl, you know why he is dating someone 5 years younger and not someone his age? Cuz girls his age will not take his BS and he cannot control them. Know better.
Tell him to wear dhoti kurta or something and to delete Instagram.
I'm saying this in the nicest way possible but are you looking for a second parent or what because why are you willingly with someone who is only restricting you? Relationship and marriage should be between equals, without one person having an upper hand. And why is he acting like your dad( your dad shouldn't restrict you either) like what is this authority? Why are you even listening to him? What even is this relationship if half of your time is being spent consoling this man child.
This is deeply unhealthy and not something you should put up with in a relationship. This is not a man who sees you as an equal but someone who is interested in controlling you.
If it would help, please imagine how much happier you would have been on this day if you didn't have to worry about what you were wearing and how he'd react but could have truly been present in the moment and posted whatever you want on your socials.
Such behaviour will definitely seep into other aspects of your life. Soon enough you will have him dictating where you can go and who you can meet, if he doesn't have rules around this already.
You are very young. Please don't make the mistake of censoring yourself or making yourself small to appease him. Whatever else he might bring to the table is completely negated by this awful behaviour.
You will find someone else who isn't interested in manipulating you into being someone you don't want to be. Don't look at the three years you've spent as sunk cost. Get out and live your life.
He keeps saying he doesnāt like being controlling at all so if I can just understand on my own. I have no idea what the thought process is here
I was coming out from a very different relationship before dating him. Ex had limitations on a different level and had a problem with my extroverted nature. Thatās another story.
But I came to realize that no matter who you are with, there will be some sort of sacrifice. Im just not sure sacrificing what will make me happier.
Babe even ruby woo is lesser red than this man's behavior. Please reconsider your long term plans with this man and take a call.
Controlling on what to wear is not even a small topic. Women had to fight for 100s of years to come where we are today. This kinda permission or authority to any man in our life will spoil your quality of life.
That makes a lot of sense. You think he is great because your last was the worst. Leave him and find even better (/s)
On a serious note,
>I don't like controlling at all!! Hope you *understand on your own*
Beta mei tumhe ice cream dene sei mana nahi karna chahati , lekin accha hota agar tum mangte hi nahi.
DO YOU SEE HOW IT SOUNDS ?! this is really a red flag and a huge one.
Are you deliberately being an idiot ? It starts with your clothes. Then it's your food. Then it's who you meet. Then it's your family. When you don't give in to his whims the emotional abuse follows. It will then be followed by physical abuse. No I am not over exaggerating.
There are few things you live with. My partner is messy af. Even though I tell him off I am also becoming a little more patient with him. There are few things you cut off. Controlling behavior is one of them. FYI you have dated these men before your frontal lobe fully developed. Your idea of relationships is very warped. Do yourself a favor and breakup now. This idea of an older man telling you what to do might sound exciting but no 30 year old would put up with his bs.
Listen to all the ladies of the sub now or regret few years down the line when you are married to this man (:
This! He is testing the waters now. The more you let him get away with this, the more demanding he is gonna get. Soon, he will be the only one left in your life and youāll find yourself trapped and also unwilling to get out of it, because that would be the only thing you know.
That's some bs. He simply wants you to think he's not controlling by phrasing it that way so there's no room for conversation and you are expected to comply without questioning him.
The other responses in the thread have some important things people have raised, I hope you are able to think about this deeply and consider what all of us are trying to tell you.
I'm sorry about how these men have treated you but I promise you absolutely can do better. Please don't settle because this guy seems marginally better than your ex. You'll be much happier by yourself than with someone this controlling. Once he moves closer to you, chances are you will see much more of this behaviour.
You don't want to see yourself be conditioned to seek his approval for every single choice you make. The anecdote you related about the trip already makes it seem like you think about his response while picking out your clothes and anticipate his reaction and also that you have to get your social media posts approved by him before you post them. You will absolutely lose yourself while going to such lengths to accommodate his irrational expectations.
No amount of sacrifice will satisfy people who demand these things of their partner and it will certainly not make you happy, as you are beginning to see now.
A good partner will want to see you thrive and help you be confident. Please put yourself first. I'm happy to pm if you want to chat. I hope you'll find your way out of this.
I heard that they are basically giving away self respect at the local reliance store, please go and get some!!! It's free and it also has a combo offer on the realization that there is a frigging choice.
OP. I empathize with you. Imagine if I said I donāt like to lie but I keep fucking lying left right and center, the act is what matters! Anyone can say anything and he might even believe himself but what matters is how it comes out and affects you.
Iām sorry your ex was such a piece of shit too. You didnāt deserve to be treated like that and right now too, you do not deserve to be controlled like this. Sending you love and hugs. You can do better, all of us women can.
Actions speak louder than words dear. His words say he hates to control but he is controlling you. More than that, he is manipulating you by saying please understand on your own š¤¦āāļø. If you wanna ask permission to even post your pictures, how is the relationship healthy? You are young and naive. He is using you. And no you dont have sacrifice your ideals and happinesss in any healthy relationship.
It's definitely not sacrificing your free will that will make you happier. What do you mean you have to console him for posting stuff he doesn't approve of? What do you mean you've to ask him permission before posting stuff on Instagram?? Yikes.
I mean I do ask my husband's permission before posting photos HE IS IN, whether he is okay with me posting it/whether he likes how he looks in it/whether he wants me.to choose something different.
He's controlling you like this in LDR. I shudder to think the ways in which proximity would worsen this.
Girl what?! Please read your own post. It sounds like satire. What advice would you give to any other woman who would ask this question in this particular sub? I hope you know the answer. Yesterday it was clothing restrictions, today it's posting on Instagram, who knows what restrictions will come tomorrow?
>But because you canāt always find everything in your person, I have to struggle with this.
Do not lower your standards. This is not a small flaw that can be ignored. His behaviour is misogynistic, controlling and borderline abusive ( making you feel guilty and you having to console him for posting your own pics is emotional abuse).
I am genuinely worried for you. You have been with this man for 3 years and gave in to his demands. I hope you can stand up for yourself and do what's right for you.
from your comments and post: heās going to be 30 + heās not financially independent + he has a female best friend who you canāt even talk to him about + he censors your social media + he controls your clothing. please get this! RUN! you deserve so much better. all your standards can absolutely be met. you are not asking for too much
You cannot be serious! Wdym you love him and he has 100 other great qualities?
This is an immediate red flag. A giant, supersized, burning red flag that you would need to have a passion for self-destruction to ignore!
LEAVE. NOW. Good god!!
I wasn't allowed to wear shorts even at home till I was 27. I bought a pair of shorts one day and decided to just wear it and show my parents that it is my body and I get to decide what I do with it. There was resistance initially but they had to make peace with it.
I regret wasting roughly 19 years of my life trying to be in their good books and suffer in Delhi 's heat. I do not understand how you are actively choosing to be with someone who is way worse than my parents because at least they chose to unlearn?
Do think about it.
Iām sorry is this 1924? Is your boyfriend a time traveler? Are you living in a convent and heās the head nun ? Or wait is he your father in rural England of 1867? Because even then this sounds stupid but in 2024 a man telling his girlfriend what clothes can she wear, what social
Media posts can she post or what reels can she make
Is bizarre !
You say heās a good guy otherwise - tell me if someone is nice 23 hours a day but slaps his partner for one hour daily is that person still nice ? No. Itās the same here only his abuse is controlling you and making you think itās love. Itās not.
Donāt be with this insecure guy who canāt see you as a person. You are not his property. So please dump him. Heās not worth it.
I found this from OPs account.
"Unpopular opinion, but I feel you should talk to guys about this. This might be more common than you think.
I made it a point to not go through my bfs following list on insta, why should I go in overthinking mode for something, that I have heard, every guy does."
So the guy controls and restricts her freedom, but she can't say anything against him.
I can understand your partner not wanting you to wear too revealing clothes.. but...
>I have restrictions on bodyfitting, wide neck, short tops and short sleeves as well.
WTF is this??? c'mon now. this is only gonna get worse. right now it's clothes and photos on instagram..later it'll be much worse like jobs/friends/other major life decisions. dump him. for your own sake!!
I mean honestly itās very difficult to respond to such questions without getting rude. Honestly youāre literally with someone who tells you what to wear and post and you start off by saying you love him? I understand itās difficult to break the cycle of abuse but nothing can be done if you donāt accept thereās an issue. Youāre with a controlling man child and God help you if you continue with this relationship
Some of yāall are really like āheās understanding, heās green flag blah blah and then proceed to write the most raging gut wrenching red flagging thing a man can doā¦.ā
Why are you in such a humiliating relationship? Like whatās good coming out of THIS!! Ik there are a lot of variables in a relationship and a third person canāt really comment on it but this is literally objectively WRONG!!! Iād be mad if someday my father asks me to do such things let alone anyone else.
Edit: when i was 17, i was also in one such relationship where the guy would control my clothes and my fashion overall like wouldnāt let me have long nails, put nail paint. I used to think āitna toh chalta hai, at least he loves meā(trans. this should be okay atleast he love me)but girl nooo they only want a person/woman to assert their shitty dominance. For your own sake leave this relationship. There are good men out there, who would treat you right and cherish you.
Sorry but this is controlling behaviour. I have been there and eventually over the years things got physical. All I can do is warn you. Because youāre in LDR, youāre not realising the future ramifications of his current actions. Perhaps he needs to find someone who is more aligned with his values of modesty.
OP, while I agree that one cannot get everything in a person, one must also NOT COMPROMISE on basic things like choice of clothing. You need to tell him you will wear whatever you feel like wearing and that he needs to be okay with that, because wellā¦ you cannot get everything you want in a person.
Man I would dump a guy so hard if they tried to police me like this. one of the reasons I moved out at 17 was so I can get my own freedom. You are enabling him by asking permission....
Can't wear short sleeves too? Ask him to wear full sleeve kurta for the entire day including sleeping. I bet he won't last a day. A person who controls the dressing of their partner is an insecure person. Controlling you implies he sees you like a thing he owns and not a person. I don't think it will stop here. After marriage it will be wear sarees only or full sleeve salwars. No more dresses. Only full length outfits. I hope you re-evaluate this relationship because it's not healthy.
No short sleeves?!
Do you see how ridiculous this sounds , right op? Like why can't you wear t shirts. Even my grandparents allow that...is he older than them ??
You're so young OP. Wear whatever you want. It doesn't end with clothes, it will get worse. My cousin's ex was just like this. Not worth it. Don't overlook red flags because of one or two green flags
are you insane???? when i started reading your post i thought okay maybe he's restrictive about bikinis or cut out dresses or something. (still weird, but some people have certain beliefs so I'll give it a pass as long as there's open communication and you reach a mutual agreement) but then you went on to say it's about sleeves and necks and fitting??? do you not see how that's one step away from forced hijab? or a forced nun habit? forced ghoonghat? literally he's making you wear loose clothes without everything but your face covered. WHY? have you ever asked yourself why?
it started with clothes it's gonna end in him preventing you from leaving the house once you're married. run while you can or prepare to be his doll for the rest of your life.
Out of curiosity, what happens if you post whatever you like without checking with him? Other than him not liking or commenting on the pics? Which is fine. You don't need to force people to like or post comments if they dont want to.
What happens if you don't delete a post he asked you to delete? What happens if you wear what you like in spite of him not liking it?
My husband has never tried to impose limitations on my clothing. That would be an automatic dealbreaker for me. We wouldn't have dated more than a couple weeks if he'd tried that.
I don't care if it's cultural, it's bullshit to try to police your partner's clothing and you shouldn't stand for it at ALL.
I was reading your post and thought to myself "I could never survive a day in this relationship" š girl why are you putting yourself through this?? For me clothing the way I want is the biggest autonomy and after struggling with this with parents, I would have never tolerated a guy doing this to me. Talk to him and firmly decide your boundaries. One should not be going through this in this age and time.
Okay first of all now heās restricting you for clothes later it will be something else! Iāve seen many of my friends being in these kinds of relationships and theyāre never truly happy. Itās your body and your choice, you should be able to wear what you want to wear not what your bf wants/asks!!! Period. Donāt tolerate this op Iām as same age as you and trust me dress up the way you want!!!
Lmao I'd run as far away from this red planet as possible. Clothing has always been a deal breaker for me. I don't let my parents say shit about it, what makes a guy think he gets a say lol.
Today it's clothing, tomorrow it will be chores and then birth control. Do yourself a favour and sump his ass. You are 25, plenty of fishes in the sea.
He's so controlling and has such a disregard for your choices now that he's your boyfriend, imagine what will happen if he becomes your husband... Will he force you to take pallu and wear a saree infront of inlaws? Will he put restrictions on your outings and career? Will he disregard your choices in the matter of having kids the same way he does in this clothing case
Right now you must be feeling that he's the one and that you love him, no one is perfect, we should adjust etc etc
But trust me people like these never stop at just clothes or pictures, it will keep on increasing with time and if you let it go now... By the time you realise that this relationship is slowly suffocating you, it'll be too late
Girls there are better boys leave him. These men date modern girl and then force her to be traditional. Leave him fucking now. He gonna destroy u after marriage šš
I donāt know at what point do you even think its reasonable to ask someone if he will stop you from wearing something and then when he says yes, you continue the relationship? Iām sorry but no. Youāll find better.
Girl for god's sake just leave him. He's a walking talking red flag. He's a control freak. It always starts slowly and then escalates. Now it's clothes and IG posts. Next it'll be who you can or can't talk to. Then what you can or can't eat. He'll slowly isolate you from your loved ones and start negging you to make your self-confidence plummet. Men like him never see women as equal. He will always treat you as someone who is subservient to him. Please dump him and move on. There's plenty of fish out in the sea.
Donāt ask permission for things you donāt have to ask permission to do. Itās up to him if who you are fits with his wants in a partner. If you donāt, he needs to move on. Same for you. Donāt put up with this behavior.
It starts off with seemingly minor things like no sleeveless etc. That is how the control and manipulation starts. It eventually moves on to full blown abuse and violence. Please look up the term ācoercive controlā
It starts with controlling your clothes and then it escalates. He will want you to stop hanging out with certain friends because they are a ābad influenceā. He will want you to stop you from making certain career choice because itās for āthe good and he is more experiencedā. He will stop you from meeting your family for a various reasons. He will then control your finances because he knows better. Girl you need to put yourself first and see that this is abusive and controlling.
There is a reason he is dating a girl 5 years younger and not someone his age. Most girls his age can see through his bullshit. He dates younger girls because they are easier to control. Girl you need to get out.
You canāt find everything in one person, true. But that usually means your partner has different hobbies than you or something NOT someone controlling you. Yikes.
For OPās sake I hope this post is satire. Cause wtf?!
Is this a joke? A troll post? Why are you, A 25 year old educated and liberated woman letting a man decide what you should wear? Bro, please have some respect and learn to stand up for yourself. I am 21 only but a day a man tells what I should be wearing or not, posting or not, he will be out of my life for good.
Also, fyi sis, he isnāt a good man.
What would your parents say about this guy with all these restrictions considering it send they've not raised you with these restrictions? Get rid of this useless bum. He has a lot of growing up to do, learning how not to control another person, how to be secure on his own, & how to respect someone else. He does not respect you. This is going to end badly. Better end it now easily.
I want to know why you listen to him when he asks you to do these things. Are you unconsciously afraid of his reactions, are you maybe scared of him.
You donāt have to comply with his demands. Because it will escalate, the neck thing is proof of that.
He is putting his insecurities on you instead of working through them. Leave this relationship man alone
What good qualities some of yall see in a man that makes you ignore these red flags? I'm curious OP what good quality of him makes you ignore his shitty manipulative side ?
Sister, a piece of advice.
This isn't good for you. Your boyfriend can not restrict you from that. I agree he is caring, and he loves you, but this isn't right.
It will cause issues in the future, and trust me, you will get hurt a lot.
I don't think the dresses you described were wrong. There is nothing wrong with wearing short sleeves or crop tops as long as you are comfortable.
Also, it is your social media handle, so it should be your choice to post what you want. Not anyone else's.
I know you think right now that this is a trade off you need to tolerate for his other qualities that you like but I assure you, you will find understanding, calm, composed, ambitious men who are also not insecure and have absurd restrictions and treat you as a full human being with autonomy. He sounds manipulative. This is not it. You deserve far better
You love him. You have decided that. You will settle for him. You have decided that. You will give up your self respect and independence at ācertainā times. You have decided that. You are okay with being controlled. You have decided that. You think you donāt have a choice. You have decided that. You have decided that you need to compromise. Just remember- you can change your decisions anytime.
is he this controlling in all aspects of your life or just the clothes part? does he let you have male friends? go out at night? drink with people outside? im 100% sure he just isnāt controlling about clothes but with everything else and youāre too naive to realise. pls break up with him. this is only gonna get worse.
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Man, If you are gonna lose your right to clothing because you are blinded by so-called love. He will keep putting restrictions on you and you'll keep accepting it in the name of love.
It hurts my brain even reading this.
Trust me. This is a big big red flag. Next he will tell you whom to hang out with, then he will start telling you to block people. This is just tip of the iceberg. No matter how good he is otherwise just leave him else your whole life will be regretful
Your comment has been removed as it was rude and impolite. Be kind. This sub is for real people looking to connect meaningfully. Something isn't an attack or hate simply because you don't like what is being said.
No personal attacks on other users, ad hominem and other distracting attacks, flame wars, insults, trolling or other such disruptive behaviour. All users are expected to strictly follow (reddiquette)(https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette/). No hate speech or hate speech supporting subreddits allowed. Continued rule breaking will lead to ban.
>> But because you canāt always find everything in your person, I have to struggle with this.
No. I found every damn thing I want in my person. There is no struggle in my life because of them. All our struggles we face together.
Your partner should be a source of joy and support. You dont have to struggle because of them. You are 25, youve an entire lifetime ahead of you. Do you want to sit and cry everyday?
Hes infact not calm and composed if hes throwing a fit everytime you dress differently. He is literally not understanding you and forcing his outdated beliefs on you. Hes not listening to you.
Theres plenty of people that will treat you like a person with your own sense of style and personality. Please dont settle. Even staying single is better than crying everyday.
Stand up for yourself. It starts slow. Then there would be restrictions on your going out, your talking to opposite sex, who you are friends with, where you work, when you meet your family etc.
>he is very understanding, he listens, he is calm and composed, he is ambitious.
I don't think he is any of this.
He doesn't listen, he isn't calm and certainly not composed about your autonomy. You found yourself parent number 3 who will control what you wear and what you won't.
Oh and his ambition is to control you and further his own comfort. So idk what's positive about that.
Girl, dump his ass before he moves back to your city or you will be in this for a long time. And itās not worth it. He will slowly chip away your confidence and self esteem with this behaviour. Run. Trust me.
Why? Why do you have to struggle with this??
Sure you canāt get everything in a person, but surely you can get someone doesnāt control how you chose to dress yourself.
Ladies, who is convincing you that being single is worse than being in a relationship like this?
I might sound toxic but it always starts with clothes. As someone who has been in a relationship with a person of exact same pattern, I would recommend you to choose your peace and move out of this. This will never change.
I know you said āyou canāt have everything in a relationshipā, but that can apply to small things.
This is a big deal. Itās a whole lot of red flags. Heās controlling you and itās only gotten worse. Heās doing this much without you being married can you imagine how bad it will be once you are married and he thinks you have no options?
Itāll move onto other things - people you meet (friends or family), if you work at all, if you step outside of the house at allā¦itāll escalate.
Donāt worry about the years spent in this relationship. Ending it now and taking time to find someone else is better than being in a lonely and restrictive marriage.
Good luck :)
Mans is controlling. As simple as that.
Talk to him about this. That it is a breach to your liberty and it causes you discontentment. And this is something to work on. For him to work on. If he is unwilling to, I don't see a happy relationship ahead.
I know of women who have continued such relationships. To outsiders, it looks all happy and lovey dovey but the discontent grows until it can't be contained and it bleeds out as general irritation and annoyance in day to day circumstances where you normally wouldn't have an outburst.
Also, he seems quite insecure. Like if you wear something attractive, he's gonna lose you. And instead of working on his insecurity, he chose to control you. You're tolerating it now because it's initial years. Later on, you'll start resenting this.
What you wear, or what you post on social media isn't about his boundaries. His boundaries are what's non-negotiable to him and his prerogative is to stay or walk away.
And here based on what you've described, he is the irrational one. Either he works on his insecurity and controlling nature, or you decide if you can bear this which amounts to you losing touch with your authentic self. And a constant hypervigilance about what he's gonna think about your joys and fun.
> But because you canāt always find everything in your person
This is not an isolated thing. If he is controlling you in this way, he will attempt to control you in other ways too and things will get worse once he moves to your city. This sounds like a major red flag š
Gal, something tells me it's just the beginning..if he can be this controlling regarding clothing, maybe more is on the way. It doesn't make sense to control what someone else can wear. But if this weird whim makes sense to someone, maybe a lot of other insensitive things would make sense to him, like deciding who you can be friends with, or what time you can call your parents, or what to do with your finances. This much control on anything is borderline being obsessive and is not normal.
You said there are a lot many other things which are positive. I am no one to judge your relationship but please evaluate it on your own before moving to the next step. Don't get trapped in a sunken ship fallacy.
I am going to say something about your no matter who one has to sacrifice thoughts.
This is incredibly incredibly false. The first step is to understand the difference between the natural give and take in a relationship and sacrifice. My husband is tired and doesnt want to do something on a day, so I do it. Thats give and take.
But he would never even ask me to for example give up my ambition. In fact he is my second biggest cheerleader. The first is my FIL and Mom.
I have so many friends who have found amazing partners who accept them being their whole self much later in life than what society tells us is umar. This is not even gendered btw.
You dont have to give up parts of yourself to have companionship. Accept all your desires and aspirations and personality. Someone else will one day only if you are sure of all that makes you you
girl whatever you say or do lemme tell you this. once yall get married, it will get 100 times worse. trust me on this. it isn't gonna end well. stop looking at him with your rose tinted glasses
How are you going to live like this? The constant stress of whether an outfit meets his ācriteriaā or not for the rest of your lifeeee??? At this point he should chalk out boundaries on your body to define places that should be āexposedā or not exposed. The boundaries are there, just not visible. This kind of behaviour by him can manifest in many other forms in the long term. Please take this as a sign and leave if he canāt change his ways.
Controlling women's clothes is so yucky. I have a male second cousin who argued me on that, I refuse to even talk to him now despite even the "relative" obligation. And 5 years is a lot of age gap if the younger person is 22. I don't have any advice anymore I guess, just ranting at this point
Dear OP when someone has big red flags like this that doesnāt mean every single aspect of their personality is a red flag, heās not a villain from the movies. Every person is going to have good aspects and bad aspects to their personality. He might be caring and loving but the fact that heās controlling is a big deal and can hamper your relationship now and long term. Nobody can tell you what to wear and how to behave on social media, he has to accept that about you.
Controlling boy friends are also typically "love bombers". The reason why he acts so understanding, calm etc is he knows he cannot control and violate your personal space and be average and nonchalant, then you will leave him. This is abuser trick 101. And women fall for this all the time, and say shit like "cannot get all in one person", "he has good things too". That isn't how this works OP.
You are allowed to leave a person who is calm, listens, understanding etc. There is no law that any man ever showing any good trait cannot be dumped.
You do not have to struggle with this. Itās true that you wonāt get everything but this is not a compromise. Heās controlling you and he has no right to. Your freedom of choice on what you wear, what you eat and all that is basic requirement in a relationship. This just means you both arenāt a good fit at all.
LEAVE! There are guys out there who wonāt care what you wear as long as youāre comfortable with it
This is the beginning.
It will turn into -
Why do you have male colleagues?
You went out with friends, again? When you could have spent those talking to me.
Of course, you will stay at home and take care of the kids. I am making more than enough for the both of us.
House chores, me!? I am a man, why should I be doing any of this.
Trust me girl, this doesn't get better. Giving anyone a say on your personal boundaries will always get them trampled on. Leave, leave now.
Please talk to him. Dialogue is important. And i know LDRs encourage the stance of avoid uncomfortsble topics. But bite the bullet and initiate the topic.
Have a proper conversation where you tell him you are tired of being policed on clothing choices. That you understand how attire should be appropriate for the occasion. But that you process these things too. Tell him you find it overbearing and kills the mood. Let him say what he thinks. Your safety/security is your priority too but if he is being excessive, and you feel that way, say it. Because otherwise its going to fester into bigger resentment. Especially if its going to be happening in other areas like who you meet with etc. He needs to hear you say this.
How do you guys tolerate this? Wdym you "have to struggle with this"? Why? What's this illusion of absence of choice? You guys always describe your partners as caring and understanding then proceed to describe the most uncaring and non-understanding person ever. Find someone sane and closer to your age please.
This š he loves me, 'he's sensible, caring, ambitious ".... Honey wait till she starts working and he's gonna have a problem with that too..... Call me regressive but 22 and 27 makes no sense to me.
Women be like āhe is the best person everā and then proceed to describe garbage men.
That is like the daily occurrence in this sub.
Iām laughing but you are so correct. I feel for the OP, sheās only 22. I hope she knows itās not okay for someone to dictate what you wear.
Yeah, I was pretty naive at 22 :(
You didn't have to call out most of us, this brutally in the morning ššš¤²š½
Yāall need a wake up call & im happy to provide it š
I swearš¤£š¤£
Probably because he couldn't control women his own age! It's easier to control and manipulate a woman 5 years younger than youš¤·š½āāļø
Olivia Rodrigo said it best -"'girls your age know better".
Yeah imagine telling a 30 year old woman what she can or cannot wearā¦sheāll either laugh at his audacity or simply run in the other direction.
šÆšÆšÆ
Even if it is just going to be clothes (which it is unlikely of course), it is already huge enough on its own to be problematic. You are spot on about the age thing
Abusive behaviour might be misconstrued as caring. Friends and family fees into this assumption. I feel they should teach this stuff on telly or in schools, how will someone know how to identify these signs if they don't know what they are??
There's so much mental gymnastics in OPs head to make him look good because she doesn't wanna face the truth.
Wtf wtf wtf. Why are you listening to him. Do you also police what he wears and what he can do ? Please say you do.
I donāt know ššš He did change his way of dressing but that was because of me wanting him to try a different fashion sense. It wasnāt because of any problems that I had
Please do yourself better and break this shit off, you are not a child or a school kid for him to decide what you should wear. A relationship is based on trust between equal partners, not some controlling shit by some man child or for you placate that man childs ego. And I saw your comment about you not even going through your bfs following list, because all men masturbate on random women?? Girl what is that. Andddd you being ok with his girl best friend because you don't want to seem backward, while he is doing this shit. Maybe start demanding equal treatment and convey everything you are insecure about too. And for future never be in a relationship with a guy who tries to act like your teacher.
Youāre going to look back on this relationship and laugh at how stupid you were for listening to him. You deserve a man that hypes your outfits up, not one that makes you take down posts due to a wide neck lmao. This is toxic and bad, my abusive dad does this to my mom.
Some people have a mental notebook It's like this....you suggested me to change my look and see i did , FOR YOU, now You have to listen to me too!!!!.... it is because they cannot diff between a suggestion and a command . Op kind, understanding, supportive is a bit hard to judge in an LDR. OP take some time to reflect...in your mind you feel like..you have invested three years and now he is moving to your city ( hopefully he is moving to the city not just for the relationship)......but TLDR; You want to wear something A) He doesn't want you to wear it, so you don't, you feel restricted but overall rltnship still goes in and you behave like you usually do. B) He doesn't want you to wear it, You wear it, he becomes cold, you spend time trying to own up to him. It's a forever cycle...talk to him tell him how it is affecting you otherwise it won't work, try to find a middle ground if he is willing.
Girl, you know why he is dating someone 5 years younger and not someone his age? Cuz girls his age will not take his BS and he cannot control them. Know better.
I thought this was the funny flair post š girl whats wrong with you..
oxytocin is one hell of a drug
Iāve heard about this affecting behavior. Can you explain more please
Tell him to wear dhoti kurta or something and to delete Instagram. I'm saying this in the nicest way possible but are you looking for a second parent or what because why are you willingly with someone who is only restricting you? Relationship and marriage should be between equals, without one person having an upper hand. And why is he acting like your dad( your dad shouldn't restrict you either) like what is this authority? Why are you even listening to him? What even is this relationship if half of your time is being spent consoling this man child.
This is deeply unhealthy and not something you should put up with in a relationship. This is not a man who sees you as an equal but someone who is interested in controlling you. If it would help, please imagine how much happier you would have been on this day if you didn't have to worry about what you were wearing and how he'd react but could have truly been present in the moment and posted whatever you want on your socials. Such behaviour will definitely seep into other aspects of your life. Soon enough you will have him dictating where you can go and who you can meet, if he doesn't have rules around this already. You are very young. Please don't make the mistake of censoring yourself or making yourself small to appease him. Whatever else he might bring to the table is completely negated by this awful behaviour. You will find someone else who isn't interested in manipulating you into being someone you don't want to be. Don't look at the three years you've spent as sunk cost. Get out and live your life.
He keeps saying he doesnāt like being controlling at all so if I can just understand on my own. I have no idea what the thought process is here I was coming out from a very different relationship before dating him. Ex had limitations on a different level and had a problem with my extroverted nature. Thatās another story. But I came to realize that no matter who you are with, there will be some sort of sacrifice. Im just not sure sacrificing what will make me happier.
Babe even ruby woo is lesser red than this man's behavior. Please reconsider your long term plans with this man and take a call. Controlling on what to wear is not even a small topic. Women had to fight for 100s of years to come where we are today. This kinda permission or authority to any man in our life will spoil your quality of life.
>Babe even ruby woo is lesser red than this man's behavior. Omg. Iconic.
That makes a lot of sense. You think he is great because your last was the worst. Leave him and find even better (/s) On a serious note, >I don't like controlling at all!! Hope you *understand on your own* Beta mei tumhe ice cream dene sei mana nahi karna chahati , lekin accha hota agar tum mangte hi nahi. DO YOU SEE HOW IT SOUNDS ?! this is really a red flag and a huge one.
Are you deliberately being an idiot ? It starts with your clothes. Then it's your food. Then it's who you meet. Then it's your family. When you don't give in to his whims the emotional abuse follows. It will then be followed by physical abuse. No I am not over exaggerating. There are few things you live with. My partner is messy af. Even though I tell him off I am also becoming a little more patient with him. There are few things you cut off. Controlling behavior is one of them. FYI you have dated these men before your frontal lobe fully developed. Your idea of relationships is very warped. Do yourself a favor and breakup now. This idea of an older man telling you what to do might sound exciting but no 30 year old would put up with his bs. Listen to all the ladies of the sub now or regret few years down the line when you are married to this man (:
This! He is testing the waters now. The more you let him get away with this, the more demanding he is gonna get. Soon, he will be the only one left in your life and youāll find yourself trapped and also unwilling to get out of it, because that would be the only thing you know.
That's some bs. He simply wants you to think he's not controlling by phrasing it that way so there's no room for conversation and you are expected to comply without questioning him. The other responses in the thread have some important things people have raised, I hope you are able to think about this deeply and consider what all of us are trying to tell you. I'm sorry about how these men have treated you but I promise you absolutely can do better. Please don't settle because this guy seems marginally better than your ex. You'll be much happier by yourself than with someone this controlling. Once he moves closer to you, chances are you will see much more of this behaviour. You don't want to see yourself be conditioned to seek his approval for every single choice you make. The anecdote you related about the trip already makes it seem like you think about his response while picking out your clothes and anticipate his reaction and also that you have to get your social media posts approved by him before you post them. You will absolutely lose yourself while going to such lengths to accommodate his irrational expectations. No amount of sacrifice will satisfy people who demand these things of their partner and it will certainly not make you happy, as you are beginning to see now. A good partner will want to see you thrive and help you be confident. Please put yourself first. I'm happy to pm if you want to chat. I hope you'll find your way out of this.
Sorry but I call bullshit. If this is not controlling than what is?
I heard that they are basically giving away self respect at the local reliance store, please go and get some!!! It's free and it also has a combo offer on the realization that there is a frigging choice.
OP. I empathize with you. Imagine if I said I donāt like to lie but I keep fucking lying left right and center, the act is what matters! Anyone can say anything and he might even believe himself but what matters is how it comes out and affects you. Iām sorry your ex was such a piece of shit too. You didnāt deserve to be treated like that and right now too, you do not deserve to be controlled like this. Sending you love and hugs. You can do better, all of us women can.
Actions speak louder than words dear. His words say he hates to control but he is controlling you. More than that, he is manipulating you by saying please understand on your own š¤¦āāļø. If you wanna ask permission to even post your pictures, how is the relationship healthy? You are young and naive. He is using you. And no you dont have sacrifice your ideals and happinesss in any healthy relationship.
This is false. You donāt have to sacrifice autonomy to be in a relationship!! Girl, break up with him. Youāve been manipulated and gaslit a lot.
It's definitely not sacrificing your free will that will make you happier. What do you mean you have to console him for posting stuff he doesn't approve of? What do you mean you've to ask him permission before posting stuff on Instagram?? Yikes. I mean I do ask my husband's permission before posting photos HE IS IN, whether he is okay with me posting it/whether he likes how he looks in it/whether he wants me.to choose something different. He's controlling you like this in LDR. I shudder to think the ways in which proximity would worsen this.
Girl what?! Please read your own post. It sounds like satire. What advice would you give to any other woman who would ask this question in this particular sub? I hope you know the answer. Yesterday it was clothing restrictions, today it's posting on Instagram, who knows what restrictions will come tomorrow? >But because you canāt always find everything in your person, I have to struggle with this. Do not lower your standards. This is not a small flaw that can be ignored. His behaviour is misogynistic, controlling and borderline abusive ( making you feel guilty and you having to console him for posting your own pics is emotional abuse). I am genuinely worried for you. You have been with this man for 3 years and gave in to his demands. I hope you can stand up for yourself and do what's right for you.
from your comments and post: heās going to be 30 + heās not financially independent + he has a female best friend who you canāt even talk to him about + he censors your social media + he controls your clothing. please get this! RUN! you deserve so much better. all your standards can absolutely be met. you are not asking for too much
Tell him to eat rice and daal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.You shouldn't tolerate any other food items on his dish except rice and daal.
You cannot be serious! Wdym you love him and he has 100 other great qualities? This is an immediate red flag. A giant, supersized, burning red flag that you would need to have a passion for self-destruction to ignore! LEAVE. NOW. Good god!!
Wdym he's just being protective of me š„°š„°š„°š¤Ŗšš„°š¤ŖāØāØāØāØ /s
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I will be so pissed if he wears t shirts but doesn't allow op ' short sleeves '. I bet 100ā¹ this man roams in his vest.
You mean in his wifebeater.
I wasn't allowed to wear shorts even at home till I was 27. I bought a pair of shorts one day and decided to just wear it and show my parents that it is my body and I get to decide what I do with it. There was resistance initially but they had to make peace with it. I regret wasting roughly 19 years of my life trying to be in their good books and suffer in Delhi 's heat. I do not understand how you are actively choosing to be with someone who is way worse than my parents because at least they chose to unlearn? Do think about it.
Iām sorry is this 1924? Is your boyfriend a time traveler? Are you living in a convent and heās the head nun ? Or wait is he your father in rural England of 1867? Because even then this sounds stupid but in 2024 a man telling his girlfriend what clothes can she wear, what social Media posts can she post or what reels can she make Is bizarre ! You say heās a good guy otherwise - tell me if someone is nice 23 hours a day but slaps his partner for one hour daily is that person still nice ? No. Itās the same here only his abuse is controlling you and making you think itās love. Itās not. Donāt be with this insecure guy who canāt see you as a person. You are not his property. So please dump him. Heās not worth it.
I found this from OPs account. "Unpopular opinion, but I feel you should talk to guys about this. This might be more common than you think. I made it a point to not go through my bfs following list on insta, why should I go in overthinking mode for something, that I have heard, every guy does." So the guy controls and restricts her freedom, but she can't say anything against him.
I can understand your partner not wanting you to wear too revealing clothes.. but... >I have restrictions on bodyfitting, wide neck, short tops and short sleeves as well. WTF is this??? c'mon now. this is only gonna get worse. right now it's clothes and photos on instagram..later it'll be much worse like jobs/friends/other major life decisions. dump him. for your own sake!!
this is so insane to read, omg plssssssssssssssss for ur own sake rethink ur relationship
girl think about what hes gonna be like with your daughters(if u plan on having kids) if hes like this with you
Umm what? Big no.
Wtf did I just read š³
Had a friend whose boyfie had the same problem. Didnāt end well cus she LOVED fashion and heād get mad randomly whenever wherever. So stupid tho
I mean honestly itās very difficult to respond to such questions without getting rude. Honestly youāre literally with someone who tells you what to wear and post and you start off by saying you love him? I understand itās difficult to break the cycle of abuse but nothing can be done if you donāt accept thereās an issue. Youāre with a controlling man child and God help you if you continue with this relationship
Cannot imagine a life where I canāt wear whatever I like and love, especially over a man in his feelings. Disgusting.
Some of yāall are really like āheās understanding, heās green flag blah blah and then proceed to write the most raging gut wrenching red flagging thing a man can doā¦.ā Why are you in such a humiliating relationship? Like whatās good coming out of THIS!! Ik there are a lot of variables in a relationship and a third person canāt really comment on it but this is literally objectively WRONG!!! Iād be mad if someday my father asks me to do such things let alone anyone else. Edit: when i was 17, i was also in one such relationship where the guy would control my clothes and my fashion overall like wouldnāt let me have long nails, put nail paint. I used to think āitna toh chalta hai, at least he loves meā(trans. this should be okay atleast he love me)but girl nooo they only want a person/woman to assert their shitty dominance. For your own sake leave this relationship. There are good men out there, who would treat you right and cherish you.
Sorry but this is controlling behaviour. I have been there and eventually over the years things got physical. All I can do is warn you. Because youāre in LDR, youāre not realising the future ramifications of his current actions. Perhaps he needs to find someone who is more aligned with his values of modesty.
OP, while I agree that one cannot get everything in a person, one must also NOT COMPROMISE on basic things like choice of clothing. You need to tell him you will wear whatever you feel like wearing and that he needs to be okay with that, because wellā¦ you cannot get everything you want in a person.
Wth??? What are you doing in this relationship?
Man I would dump a guy so hard if they tried to police me like this. one of the reasons I moved out at 17 was so I can get my own freedom. You are enabling him by asking permission....
Ikr? I would give my father an earful if he tries to tell me to not wear something short. This is just ridiculous
Can't wear short sleeves too? Ask him to wear full sleeve kurta for the entire day including sleeping. I bet he won't last a day. A person who controls the dressing of their partner is an insecure person. Controlling you implies he sees you like a thing he owns and not a person. I don't think it will stop here. After marriage it will be wear sarees only or full sleeve salwars. No more dresses. Only full length outfits. I hope you re-evaluate this relationship because it's not healthy.
Also donāt even get me started on the age gap. Girl get a grip. He doesnāt love you. Heās an asshole.
No short sleeves?! Do you see how ridiculous this sounds , right op? Like why can't you wear t shirts. Even my grandparents allow that...is he older than them ??
You're so young OP. Wear whatever you want. It doesn't end with clothes, it will get worse. My cousin's ex was just like this. Not worth it. Don't overlook red flags because of one or two green flags
Don't have sex with him before marriage, tell him you're traditional like that... And even better don't marry him
are you insane???? when i started reading your post i thought okay maybe he's restrictive about bikinis or cut out dresses or something. (still weird, but some people have certain beliefs so I'll give it a pass as long as there's open communication and you reach a mutual agreement) but then you went on to say it's about sleeves and necks and fitting??? do you not see how that's one step away from forced hijab? or a forced nun habit? forced ghoonghat? literally he's making you wear loose clothes without everything but your face covered. WHY? have you ever asked yourself why? it started with clothes it's gonna end in him preventing you from leaving the house once you're married. run while you can or prepare to be his doll for the rest of your life.
Out of curiosity, what happens if you post whatever you like without checking with him? Other than him not liking or commenting on the pics? Which is fine. You don't need to force people to like or post comments if they dont want to. What happens if you don't delete a post he asked you to delete? What happens if you wear what you like in spite of him not liking it?
My husband has never tried to impose limitations on my clothing. That would be an automatic dealbreaker for me. We wouldn't have dated more than a couple weeks if he'd tried that. I don't care if it's cultural, it's bullshit to try to police your partner's clothing and you shouldn't stand for it at ALL.
I was reading your post and thought to myself "I could never survive a day in this relationship" š girl why are you putting yourself through this?? For me clothing the way I want is the biggest autonomy and after struggling with this with parents, I would have never tolerated a guy doing this to me. Talk to him and firmly decide your boundaries. One should not be going through this in this age and time.
Okay first of all now heās restricting you for clothes later it will be something else! Iāve seen many of my friends being in these kinds of relationships and theyāre never truly happy. Itās your body and your choice, you should be able to wear what you want to wear not what your bf wants/asks!!! Period. Donāt tolerate this op Iām as same age as you and trust me dress up the way you want!!!
Girl he isn't going to stop until you're wearing full on burqa or something.
Lmao I'd run as far away from this red planet as possible. Clothing has always been a deal breaker for me. I don't let my parents say shit about it, what makes a guy think he gets a say lol. Today it's clothing, tomorrow it will be chores and then birth control. Do yourself a favour and sump his ass. You are 25, plenty of fishes in the sea.
He's so controlling and has such a disregard for your choices now that he's your boyfriend, imagine what will happen if he becomes your husband... Will he force you to take pallu and wear a saree infront of inlaws? Will he put restrictions on your outings and career? Will he disregard your choices in the matter of having kids the same way he does in this clothing case Right now you must be feeling that he's the one and that you love him, no one is perfect, we should adjust etc etc But trust me people like these never stop at just clothes or pictures, it will keep on increasing with time and if you let it go now... By the time you realise that this relationship is slowly suffocating you, it'll be too late
The age gap alone is just............
Girls there are better boys leave him. These men date modern girl and then force her to be traditional. Leave him fucking now. He gonna destroy u after marriage šš
Girl break up youāre too young to be dealing with this shit. He sounds like a man child.
I donāt know at what point do you even think its reasonable to ask someone if he will stop you from wearing something and then when he says yes, you continue the relationship? Iām sorry but no. Youāll find better.
Please please remove the green colour glasses
Girl for god's sake just leave him. He's a walking talking red flag. He's a control freak. It always starts slowly and then escalates. Now it's clothes and IG posts. Next it'll be who you can or can't talk to. Then what you can or can't eat. He'll slowly isolate you from your loved ones and start negging you to make your self-confidence plummet. Men like him never see women as equal. He will always treat you as someone who is subservient to him. Please dump him and move on. There's plenty of fish out in the sea.
Donāt ask permission for things you donāt have to ask permission to do. Itās up to him if who you are fits with his wants in a partner. If you donāt, he needs to move on. Same for you. Donāt put up with this behavior.
No, this is a š©
It starts off with seemingly minor things like no sleeveless etc. That is how the control and manipulation starts. It eventually moves on to full blown abuse and violence. Please look up the term ācoercive controlā
Seriously? It's 2024 and we are still entertaining guys who want to control what we wear?
This is one of those satire posts right? RIGHT?
Trust me, I went up to double-check the flair! I was fuming with every sentence and I really thought it was one of those funny flair posts!
It starts with controlling your clothes and then it escalates. He will want you to stop hanging out with certain friends because they are a ābad influenceā. He will want you to stop you from making certain career choice because itās for āthe good and he is more experiencedā. He will stop you from meeting your family for a various reasons. He will then control your finances because he knows better. Girl you need to put yourself first and see that this is abusive and controlling. There is a reason he is dating a girl 5 years younger and not someone his age. Most girls his age can see through his bullshit. He dates younger girls because they are easier to control. Girl you need to get out.
Tum log LDR mein itna kyun sehte ho? Wtf girl.
You canāt find everything in one person, true. But that usually means your partner has different hobbies than you or something NOT someone controlling you. Yikes. For OPās sake I hope this post is satire. Cause wtf?!
Girl ā¦..you need to get another bf.
Is this a joke? A troll post? Why are you, A 25 year old educated and liberated woman letting a man decide what you should wear? Bro, please have some respect and learn to stand up for yourself. I am 21 only but a day a man tells what I should be wearing or not, posting or not, he will be out of my life for good. Also, fyi sis, he isnāt a good man.
What would your parents say about this guy with all these restrictions considering it send they've not raised you with these restrictions? Get rid of this useless bum. He has a lot of growing up to do, learning how not to control another person, how to be secure on his own, & how to respect someone else. He does not respect you. This is going to end badly. Better end it now easily.
I want to know why you listen to him when he asks you to do these things. Are you unconsciously afraid of his reactions, are you maybe scared of him. You donāt have to comply with his demands. Because it will escalate, the neck thing is proof of that. He is putting his insecurities on you instead of working through them. Leave this relationship man alone
U get one life and this is how you choose to spend it? Think bout it.
What good qualities some of yall see in a man that makes you ignore these red flags? I'm curious OP what good quality of him makes you ignore his shitty manipulative side ?
Red flag ko pees ke sindur lagalena got real lmao
Sister, a piece of advice. This isn't good for you. Your boyfriend can not restrict you from that. I agree he is caring, and he loves you, but this isn't right. It will cause issues in the future, and trust me, you will get hurt a lot. I don't think the dresses you described were wrong. There is nothing wrong with wearing short sleeves or crop tops as long as you are comfortable. Also, it is your social media handle, so it should be your choice to post what you want. Not anyone else's.
I know you think right now that this is a trade off you need to tolerate for his other qualities that you like but I assure you, you will find understanding, calm, composed, ambitious men who are also not insecure and have absurd restrictions and treat you as a full human being with autonomy. He sounds manipulative. This is not it. You deserve far better
>Let me just clarify that I love him. Love is no reason to put up with abuse. This is abuse. Please recognise it.
That sounds exhausting.
Wtf is this bullshit. Is this rage bait? You know what you deserve him, be stupid togetherĀ
You love him. You have decided that. You will settle for him. You have decided that. You will give up your self respect and independence at ācertainā times. You have decided that. You are okay with being controlled. You have decided that. You think you donāt have a choice. You have decided that. You have decided that you need to compromise. Just remember- you can change your decisions anytime.
is he this controlling in all aspects of your life or just the clothes part? does he let you have male friends? go out at night? drink with people outside? im 100% sure he just isnāt controlling about clothes but with everything else and youāre too naive to realise. pls break up with him. this is only gonna get worse.
ā³ļøā³ļøā³ļøā³ļøā³ļøā³ļøā³ļøā³ļø
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Man, If you are gonna lose your right to clothing because you are blinded by so-called love. He will keep putting restrictions on you and you'll keep accepting it in the name of love. It hurts my brain even reading this.
Trust me. This is a big big red flag. Next he will tell you whom to hang out with, then he will start telling you to block people. This is just tip of the iceberg. No matter how good he is otherwise just leave him else your whole life will be regretful
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Your comment has been removed as it was rude and impolite. Be kind. This sub is for real people looking to connect meaningfully. Something isn't an attack or hate simply because you don't like what is being said. No personal attacks on other users, ad hominem and other distracting attacks, flame wars, insults, trolling or other such disruptive behaviour. All users are expected to strictly follow (reddiquette)(https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette/). No hate speech or hate speech supporting subreddits allowed. Continued rule breaking will lead to ban.
>> But because you canāt always find everything in your person, I have to struggle with this. No. I found every damn thing I want in my person. There is no struggle in my life because of them. All our struggles we face together. Your partner should be a source of joy and support. You dont have to struggle because of them. You are 25, youve an entire lifetime ahead of you. Do you want to sit and cry everyday? Hes infact not calm and composed if hes throwing a fit everytime you dress differently. He is literally not understanding you and forcing his outdated beliefs on you. Hes not listening to you. Theres plenty of people that will treat you like a person with your own sense of style and personality. Please dont settle. Even staying single is better than crying everyday.
Stand up for yourself. It starts slow. Then there would be restrictions on your going out, your talking to opposite sex, who you are friends with, where you work, when you meet your family etc.
>he is very understanding, he listens, he is calm and composed, he is ambitious. I don't think he is any of this. He doesn't listen, he isn't calm and certainly not composed about your autonomy. You found yourself parent number 3 who will control what you wear and what you won't. Oh and his ambition is to control you and further his own comfort. So idk what's positive about that.
Girl, dump his ass before he moves back to your city or you will be in this for a long time. And itās not worth it. He will slowly chip away your confidence and self esteem with this behaviour. Run. Trust me.
Why? Why do you have to struggle with this?? Sure you canāt get everything in a person, but surely you can get someone doesnāt control how you chose to dress yourself. Ladies, who is convincing you that being single is worse than being in a relationship like this?
I might sound toxic but it always starts with clothes. As someone who has been in a relationship with a person of exact same pattern, I would recommend you to choose your peace and move out of this. This will never change.
I know you said āyou canāt have everything in a relationshipā, but that can apply to small things. This is a big deal. Itās a whole lot of red flags. Heās controlling you and itās only gotten worse. Heās doing this much without you being married can you imagine how bad it will be once you are married and he thinks you have no options? Itāll move onto other things - people you meet (friends or family), if you work at all, if you step outside of the house at allā¦itāll escalate. Donāt worry about the years spent in this relationship. Ending it now and taking time to find someone else is better than being in a lonely and restrictive marriage. Good luck :)
Mans is controlling. As simple as that. Talk to him about this. That it is a breach to your liberty and it causes you discontentment. And this is something to work on. For him to work on. If he is unwilling to, I don't see a happy relationship ahead. I know of women who have continued such relationships. To outsiders, it looks all happy and lovey dovey but the discontent grows until it can't be contained and it bleeds out as general irritation and annoyance in day to day circumstances where you normally wouldn't have an outburst. Also, he seems quite insecure. Like if you wear something attractive, he's gonna lose you. And instead of working on his insecurity, he chose to control you. You're tolerating it now because it's initial years. Later on, you'll start resenting this. What you wear, or what you post on social media isn't about his boundaries. His boundaries are what's non-negotiable to him and his prerogative is to stay or walk away. And here based on what you've described, he is the irrational one. Either he works on his insecurity and controlling nature, or you decide if you can bear this which amounts to you losing touch with your authentic self. And a constant hypervigilance about what he's gonna think about your joys and fun.
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> But because you canāt always find everything in your person This is not an isolated thing. If he is controlling you in this way, he will attempt to control you in other ways too and things will get worse once he moves to your city. This sounds like a major red flag š
Gal, something tells me it's just the beginning..if he can be this controlling regarding clothing, maybe more is on the way. It doesn't make sense to control what someone else can wear. But if this weird whim makes sense to someone, maybe a lot of other insensitive things would make sense to him, like deciding who you can be friends with, or what time you can call your parents, or what to do with your finances. This much control on anything is borderline being obsessive and is not normal. You said there are a lot many other things which are positive. I am no one to judge your relationship but please evaluate it on your own before moving to the next step. Don't get trapped in a sunken ship fallacy.
Hain?
I am going to say something about your no matter who one has to sacrifice thoughts. This is incredibly incredibly false. The first step is to understand the difference between the natural give and take in a relationship and sacrifice. My husband is tired and doesnt want to do something on a day, so I do it. Thats give and take. But he would never even ask me to for example give up my ambition. In fact he is my second biggest cheerleader. The first is my FIL and Mom. I have so many friends who have found amazing partners who accept them being their whole self much later in life than what society tells us is umar. This is not even gendered btw. You dont have to give up parts of yourself to have companionship. Accept all your desires and aspirations and personality. Someone else will one day only if you are sure of all that makes you you
Bro I was so ready to read something extreme. That man is throwing tantrums at nothing.
Please listen to the women here, leave him š© You'll never be happy with a controlling person like this. Nobody except you has the right to decide what you should be wearing. Love alone isn't enough for a good relationship. Respect is also important. Why would you wanna be with someone who doesn't respect your choices?
girl whatever you say or do lemme tell you this. once yall get married, it will get 100 times worse. trust me on this. it isn't gonna end well. stop looking at him with your rose tinted glasses
How are you going to live like this? The constant stress of whether an outfit meets his ācriteriaā or not for the rest of your lifeeee??? At this point he should chalk out boundaries on your body to define places that should be āexposedā or not exposed. The boundaries are there, just not visible. This kind of behaviour by him can manifest in many other forms in the long term. Please take this as a sign and leave if he canāt change his ways.
Controlling women's clothes is so yucky. I have a male second cousin who argued me on that, I refuse to even talk to him now despite even the "relative" obligation. And 5 years is a lot of age gap if the younger person is 22. I don't have any advice anymore I guess, just ranting at this point
This is outrageous. Why does he get to say what you wear? Please don't give anyone that much power to dictate what you do/wear etc op.
Break up break up break up. This is so icky.
Dear OP when someone has big red flags like this that doesnāt mean every single aspect of their personality is a red flag, heās not a villain from the movies. Every person is going to have good aspects and bad aspects to their personality. He might be caring and loving but the fact that heās controlling is a big deal and can hamper your relationship now and long term. Nobody can tell you what to wear and how to behave on social media, he has to accept that about you.
This must be rage hate because wth
Controlling boy friends are also typically "love bombers". The reason why he acts so understanding, calm etc is he knows he cannot control and violate your personal space and be average and nonchalant, then you will leave him. This is abuser trick 101. And women fall for this all the time, and say shit like "cannot get all in one person", "he has good things too". That isn't how this works OP. You are allowed to leave a person who is calm, listens, understanding etc. There is no law that any man ever showing any good trait cannot be dumped.
Mai aur kuch bolungi hi nahi
You do not have to struggle with this. Itās true that you wonāt get everything but this is not a compromise. Heās controlling you and he has no right to. Your freedom of choice on what you wear, what you eat and all that is basic requirement in a relationship. This just means you both arenāt a good fit at all. LEAVE! There are guys out there who wonāt care what you wear as long as youāre comfortable with it
Late to the thread, 161 comments already. I hope you're breaking up? Please let me know if you're still unsure and need more encouragement.
I just needed to vent, I dont want to consider the scenario of breaking up. Thankyou :)
This is the beginning. It will turn into - Why do you have male colleagues? You went out with friends, again? When you could have spent those talking to me. Of course, you will stay at home and take care of the kids. I am making more than enough for the both of us. House chores, me!? I am a man, why should I be doing any of this. Trust me girl, this doesn't get better. Giving anyone a say on your personal boundaries will always get them trampled on. Leave, leave now.
I only see a toxic asshole in this post. I hope you too can see it soon
Please donāt tolerate this. Dump this shit. In the long run itās going to get toxic Af
Reminds me of my parents
Please talk to him. Dialogue is important. And i know LDRs encourage the stance of avoid uncomfortsble topics. But bite the bullet and initiate the topic. Have a proper conversation where you tell him you are tired of being policed on clothing choices. That you understand how attire should be appropriate for the occasion. But that you process these things too. Tell him you find it overbearing and kills the mood. Let him say what he thinks. Your safety/security is your priority too but if he is being excessive, and you feel that way, say it. Because otherwise its going to fester into bigger resentment. Especially if its going to be happening in other areas like who you meet with etc. He needs to hear you say this.