He’s just loud and yells cause of how he was raised. I should be used to it by now and know he doesn’t mean the horrible things he says or threats he makes.
Me as a kid (5ish) with my 60ish yr old babysitters husband...
"This is your reward"
"you're lucky I'm so nice to you"
"This is what you wanted"
"You're so special"
Is it obvious the kind of abuse it was.... 🤬
It wasn't "him" doing it. He was having a flashback and thought he was someone/where else. And that I didn't de-escalate his mental health episode (aka abuse) properly.
"Before you're born, your spirit picks experiences so that you can learn, and you chose all this" (My mother after learning I had been sexually assaulted by bio-father (7 yrs- day before 13th bithday), when I broke down after a rape at 23).
Are you my half sibling? This sounds so much like my mom.
"Before you were born you picked this family. You wanted me to be your mom so you can't blame me for doing what I was destined to end up doing"(meaning being an abusive alcoholic that set the house on fire with her and her 3 children under 6 in it)
When talking about how awful this other male was for yelling at his gf, saying the exact same horrible things he's said to me "that's different because you were arguing with me when I said those things to you"
Literally anything I ever said or did was either ”an attack” or I was simply too ”stupid”.
He found an excuse anywhere. I could literally be sitting quietly, minding my own business —literally just existing— and he would work himself into a rage over how I was ruining his life by doing it.
Also, any and all of HIS fuckups —or whatever bothered him or was wrong with the world— were somehow my fault too.
He was pretty much ”woe is me” but on steroids and amplified a hundredfold.
Condensing it here but basically , “you didn’t quietly sit in the corner and eat the shit sandwich I gave you! TSK TSK… I am still waiting for you to ask for the napkin …. Hhhmmmmm.”
That I made him do it, it was my fault, he does it because I don’t love him, and that I need to let it go because we are too good together to call it “cheating” or “abuse.”
My ex's ex hit him so hard in the face & he didn't hit her back. I never touched him and he got physical with me, so when I asked how come you didn't touch her for doing that, but you'd do it to me just in an argument. His response:
I know this sounds toxic, but I didn't love her & I love you.
But in reality it's because there were witnesses in the first situation.
Honestly I would even be told it’s because of what I was doing and I was making him miserable and xyz and whenever I tried to ask what the problem was or what I was doing there wasn’t an answer. Got a few “you knew that you upset me” no I didn’t ? You wouldn’t tell me why you were mad
Not an excuse but anytime I try to call it out, he tells me to call Dr Phil which is him telling me it’s BS and it’s not real. To the point it makes me question if I’m crazy.
That I have a victim mentality and it’s not real
That the scars from the glass and the photos I have proof of everything he broke and ripped off of me. The spit all
Over me. The blood was “in the past “ and I need to “stop living in the past” and that’s my problem
That im too sensitive.
That I should ask what I did and get with reality. That I’m stuck in Lala land. That I’m confusing my dreams with reality and that’s my problem
My nex (narcissistic ex) used to tell me I played the victim well. That I made him do it. Those were used when he was gaslighting me. He used other's, too, but those were his go to's.
The victim mentality!! I was told that I’ve hurt him too but he doesn’t have a victim mentality like I do. Basically that we’ve been comparably bad for each other and I’m just sensitive
oh my god i got a “i did event hit you, i mugged you” “i barely pushed you” i had a bruise for two weeks. he spit on me threw a plate of food on me because i closed the door because i didn’t feel like speaking with him i didn’t slam it..
I went to my uncle's funeral with dark eyeshadow to cover up my black eye, the cracked ribs weren't visible. Our second child was only three weeks old. (He's 37 now, but it always stays with me)
You're too sensitive and you need to let it go. It's in the past.
After leaving me to pay over 10k in credit card debt. He was financially abusive. Of course I was still dealing with it. Smh
You're the abusive one, if you treated me better I wouldn't get so upset.
You're the cold and uncaring one, I NEED affection (aka sex) to feel loved. You're just lazy and selfish.
“I didn’t know how to deal with you and I should have not ran away and done the things I’ve done”.
My ex husband cheated on me when my dad was murdered and left me to pick up every piece of my life and grief
after months of dumping me, and debating whether i was behaving well enough to see if he loved me, he hit me in public and the next day when he saw the bruise later he said that it was a good thing because it showed that he actually can have that much passion for the our relationship/me
one time he cheated on me and said he did it because i wasnt acting enough like his mom, thats when i really realised i would never be able to act well enough for him lol
" Women like you who dont know when to shutup are the reason men put their hands on women"
The messed up thing is that at some point i started to believe it. But even if I didnt talk at all it was still a problem. There was always a problem, an excuse to justify the abuse....
Oh I have a good one. This was actually the turning point in our relationship for me.
My partner, with a history of arrests for his violence towards women(and on occasion men)-dating back over a decade, long before knowing me or his previous partner, Told me “I am not a violent person you and my ex just made me angry.” I went into a state of shock upon hearing this, and he kept saying “don’t you agree, that what happened was your fault?” I went back to find the camera footage to see my response and I couldn’t even answer him because I was just in a state of shock.
It’s important to note, I was in denial most of our relationship, because the rose colored glasses I had on made red flags about his past impossible to see as anything more than just flags.
“Women are to be seen and not heard”- “It’s my way or the Highway”-“You wanna know why I don’t have sex with you? Because I don’t give a fu*k about taking care of you, I just want to get off and be done and you take to long”- “I’m going to work where people actually respect me” and when I finally decided to end it and told his drunken ass to get out after 3 years he told his whole family and friends “It’s her fault and I’ll never stop drinking if I’m with her because she’s toxic” YUCK!!
Congrats on the soon-to-be-ex part! Why Does He Do That is an incredible book. I urge you to not be hard on yourself up over staying however long you did.
My mom actually said I wasn’t abused cause 1) “an abuser walks in angry and hits the first person they see” and 2) “I wasn’t the only one that went through it”
He said my voice was just annoying and he wouldn't listen to me because I was asking too many questions
One time he was angry at me for having gone to school somewhere nice so he yelled at me
Another one was for choosing the wrong seat on the train and another time it was for trying to speak when he was mad
Omg 🤦♀️ once during an argument we were having, I told him, I feel like you’re gaslighting me. He starting going off on this rant about how “everyone’s just throwing that word around these days and they have no idea what it means! Everyone thinks they know what it means but it actually originated from the nazis……….” Etc etc etc. I don’t even remember now.
Imagine being gaslit into thinking that gaslighting isn’t actually real, and if it is, it doesn’t really mean what you think it means. 🙃
“You think that’s bad, you should see what I’ve been through”
“You’ll never know how much I do for you because you are always focused on the negative” (referring to driving drunk with kids in the car and trying to justify it)
“You know, you really are rough to handle. You had it coming. You made me do it.” (Destroying family heirlooms for target practice because he didn’t want to buy targets)
Yes! Because I was clearly trying to antagonize him with my tone and choice of aggressive words that made him angry. I do not have a problem expressing how stupid his actions are towards me because he knows what he's doing and does it anyway but my reaction is the only thing he seems to focus on, never on what caused me to act that way.
He also hates how well versed I am at his obvious narcissist tendencies so he tries to make me think that what I call him is what I actually am. It don't work but that doesn't stop him from attempting the gaslighting.
“I’ve never done this to anyone else, so it must be you who is causing it” even though he’s been arrested for domestic violence and his ex has told me so many stories of him abusing her.
I know you have been getting some harsh reality checks in the replies of your posts but I really do hope you are steps towards leaving your abusive relationship. Please, from one woman with DV experience to another. you dont deserve to stay in a marriage where you are constantly walked over and treated like this. Love doesnt hurt like this. Love doesnt put you down or belittle you. I dm’d you if you want to talk.
“If you’re acting like a bitch/psycho/crazy, I have every right to call you one” after I reminded him that we shouldn’t be calling each other names or crossing that line
Oh yeah I remember that one like as if anyone should be calling names in the first place he literally said to be don't act like a cunt if you don't want to be called one and the whole time we were together I never called him a single bad name its really a conscious choice to hurt us
“I had to sexually assault you because you weren’t putting out. It’s actually sad for me that I had to do that. You should just put out so I don’t have to force you.”
Not those exact words but the gist was the same.
“I didn’t do that”
Followed not even 30 seconds later with:
“It was self defence”
Unless I was coming at him with a weapon (spoiler, I was not), I was not physically capable of injuring him (about a 40kg weight discrepancy)
oh my god. my ex (also a bigger dude) kicked me full force in the chest once when i walked into the room and he was laying in bed, and then when i was on the floor crying he was like “i didn’t do that?” then proceeded to say “well you were coming to attack me so i had to do what i had to do”. i literally never attacked him once during that relationship
-edit for spelling
A BIG BIG one used to be that I RESPONDED to the abuse he was already doing to me, in the wrong way. Such as being hurt, unhappy, etc. So then he would give himself the green light to just fuck me up a whole new time.
Reactionary Abuse. When the narcissist claims to be the victim or thinks you need some more abuse because you let it show that you’re unhappy in any way with the kick in the teeth they just delivered to you.
I recently got told by a new Narc that I know, that they could cry about all kinds of things but now they can’t because I’m standing there crying and now it’s all about me.
This was when my eyes filled with tears after they went after me for a few minutes worse and worse until I got teary.
He was “getting ahead of the problem before one was even created.”
Kind of the same concept as “nipping something in the bud” only he was just attacking the ground where a plant or anything else would have grown.
To get ahead of the problem.
And the ground was me.
“Don’t you think you deserve this? Even a little bit?”
It took me quite a while to reach the conclusion that I didn’t (which is something I’m still working on even to this day)
The most ridiculous one was that he started to yell at me and call me names, very angry, red-faced started telling me that I made him feel like a rapist because of the way I was looking at him.
I MADE HIM FEEL LIKE A RAPIST, just by looking at him so he obviously lashed out and verbally and emotionally abused me for it.
"You purposely try to piss me off"
Like, no. The last thing I want is your wrath. I walk on eggshells to make sure your anger doesn't come out, and it still does. It's a lose - lose.
"You kept breaking up with me and i didn't feel like you were fully In this." After we promised eachother we'd end it if we ever wanted to see other people. I left him so many times because he was an emotionally abusive drunk. He'd always win me back the next day though. But was already cheating and I didn't know as he was being sweet to me and didn't change anything about his mannerisms.
‘I think you’re enabling me’
‘I was angry’
‘I’m sorry but I don’t have the skills or tools to resolve my behavior right now, can I have some time?’
‘You were acting weird so I…’
‘I was triggered’
‘I can’t control myself’
‘It doesn’t feel like me when I’m like that, it’s not me’
‘I couldn’t handle the conversation’
Ohhhh how I could go on…
Oh God yeah I can sense the gaslighting from that. Can't imagine why else they'd do that💀 I'd definitely sigh. BUT there was at least one time when he told me not to yell and I wasn't yelling at all 💀 Then he started going crazy and yelling loud af.
Abusers are seriously hypocrites
She said she was just mirroring my behavior, which I believed at the time, and made significant efforts to make myself a better partner; but her behavior only got worse as I improved. Looking back in retrospect, she just used it as an excuse to absolve any responsibility for her actions.
So many different excuses. From his sister: "Yes, my husband and I used to fight too. But we turned it over to God and if you would do that and both start going to church he wouldn't abuse you anymore."
From him: 'I may have physically assaulted you, but you did it first. Remember the time years ago we watched a scary movie and I hid outside the front door in the dark and jumped out at you to scare you and you scratched my face? It was actually you who started this since you technically hit me first, I've always been mad and wanted to hit you back'
From him: "Now that you've left me, I told my therapist the recent revelation I had that I was sexually manipulated as a teen. She says this is probably why I sexually abused you. So we are both victims and I'm not to blame"
And the old tried and true from my family: "it couldn't have been that bad, you stayed with him for 10 years and acted publicly like you got along"
My ex pastor: it’s your fault bc you didn’t submit to him.
Ex: I wouldn’t have to make you barricade yourself if you hadn’t rolled your eyes at me. You make me do this.
That I didn’t go to college and am not on the same level as him so I deserve abuse and he wouldn’t abuse women who had an education. If I had chosen a different life path I wouldn’t have been abused by him.
I spend much time on social media on my phone apparently I have our entire relationship, even though it neither existed for half our relationship. When I pointed this out, apparently it was watching too much tv before then…even though I worked FT and went to grad school during that time….apparently I had time to watch too much tv then. I guess 1 hour per week is unacceptable
I got this too! Wouldn’t lay with me or cuddle because I was “too busy on your phone” even when I would only go on my phone when he was doing something else ahah whenever he would finally come over I’d put it away
Mine said that because I didn’t let him get drunk and smoke pot as much as he wished (which would be 24/7 every day) then he had to abuse me to deal with the emotions and my control issues.
Omggg this I remember being snapped at and then saying I was hurt by it and them saying well I needed to be cruel because there's no other way to shut you up
“It was just a slap in the face it wasn’t that bad, you’ve been hit by your parents worse than that”
I asked him to take the laundry basket downstairs *when he finishes his game*. Because my leg was in a cast. He angrily shut off his game, grabbed his keys and left the house. After coming back 7 hours later he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. While sleeping on the last night of the silent treatment I was woken up at 3am to him slapping me in the fucking face then him saying “are you not even gonna say sorry to me?” FOR WHAT, ASKING YOU TO TAKE YOUR OWN DAMN LAUNDRY DOWNSTAIRS SO I CAN WASH THEM?!
I said “Jesus Christ” he said “don’t say Jesus Christ at me!” I told him well don’t slap me in the fucking face then. Cue his excuse. He never took the laundry downstairs btw. I ended up just throwing it down the stairs so I could get to it.
Oof I heard that one a lot. Meanwhile I’m the kind of person who will go out of my way to pick up worms out of the way so they don’t get stepped on in the rain… my habit of doing that annoyed him. Also annoyed him when I would want to stop and rescue dogs that escaped their homes etc, or lost children 🙃 but IM the one who needs to become a better person somehow.
After I was raped *while passed out drunk*:
"We both made mistakes, and you must accept the role you played here."
"You should have screamed or physically fought me. You never verbally told me to stop, so I believed I had your consent."
Again, I was passed out and overly intoxicated from alcohol.
They were fully aware of my drunken state and apparently decided *tonight is the night*. For whatever twisted reasons they convinced themselves of.
I'll never understand that mindset, and I will never "take accountability" for my own rape.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
I had a counselor in rehab tell me I needed to own up to the part I played in getting raped. I went to a friends house, a married couple who were both marines. We watched talked, watched tv. She went to bed. I tried to leave, he attacked me. I realized i wasn’t strong enough to fight off a male marine. So yeah I’m so fucking sorry for thinking I could hang out with some people, won’t happen again
"I didn't INTEND to hurt you so it's not abuse!"
"I was only reacting to you. If you didn't act how you do then I wouldn't act this way."
"I lied but it was because you hurt me, and I wanted to hurt you so you would know how I felt."
It was very frustrating to deal with. I begged this grown man to go to therapy and thats what I was met with every single time. That and a lame ass excuse as to why he couldn’t go. It changed every time. One time he was giving me the silent treatment for no reason and I was literally in tears asking him what was wrong and if I did anything because a minute before that he was fine.
I've heard this so many times. Anytime I had a boundary I was toxic, and had to shape myself to their wants all day every day but God forbid I have a want or need. So demoralizing. So glad to be single.
My mother: "you are hurting but you need to know that i was hurting too."
-i have scars.
Sister: "You deserved it, you think you know more than me."
My exboyfriend: "you were so annoying."
-he sexually tortured me and hit me in front of his friends
Also, after my dog died, one i had since i was 6, i cried every night for three weeks and he goes "how much longer is this going to hapoen? Its getting tiring"
Evil son of a bitch.
My exwife: "well, its because YOURE abusive"
No. Iwasnt.
"I never touched you"
However, my bruised heart, rib fracture, & bruises said he did. Later(we did not speak for 5 years after that incident), but have been reconnected and in each other's lives for 2.5 years after that time of not speaking, miraculously a couple months ago he admitted he did it, but said "it was just a smack." Meanwhile, I had a therapist(for 3 years)during the 5 years that we did not talk who convinced me that it was possible he truly did not remember if he were to have a black out during his rage. I think he just forgot he'd been denying it, as clearly he has known he has been denying it, while knowing it to be true, for 7.5 years
During COVID shutdowns....reconnected...unfortunately. He hasn't hit me since. Yet, he started off nice and slowly, but surely his constant criticism...need to be the "king of everything" and intentionally saying things to hurt me has crept in. This latest bout of speaking in such a disrespectful manner is very jarring. It seems the verbal abuse is on another level. I hope you are familiar with domestic violence and the mentality of things. If not, it is a hard thing to understand and "just leave" is not effective.
When my ex dislocated my knee by putting his full force on my body as I crawled under him to get away, he cried & said "I was just trying to stop you from hurting yourself". (I self-harmed at the time but I was doing nothing of the sort. I was trying to escape his wrath). Man, the gaslighting.
"I can't actually connect with you when we make love if I have to wear a condom" meanwhile I was on birthcontrol that made me feel like I was going crazy (on top of the abuse making me feel like I was crazy)
"at least I tried to do research" after doing something non-consensual, having discussed a plethora of other things to do in a BDSM context. He wasn't into it, but used it as his own excuse to force his own fetish on me
After I lost my like 5th or 6th friend in 2020, this was a verbatim text from my ex (who lived in the same house as me:) "My 100th friend died. Whatever, no one has that many friends."
Also, when I was frozen in shock that someone I love a lot died at a certain shitshow in a past January: "Well maybe you shouldn't be friends with seditionists."
He didn't know her, she was a complicated person who had her struggles and had absolutely no business being where she was, but he didn't know what led to that, nor that she helped me so so so many times in the past. And to be 100% clear before anyone comes for me, I'm about as liberal and left leaning as it gets and what happened that certain January was fucking stupid and should NOT have happened and I'm glad some people involved are starting to get their just deserts. Didn't mean anyone had to die, though.
Also, I just learned today that in that phrase, though pronounced as, "desserts," it's actually spelled "deserts." Just something for the word nerds!
Thank you for saying that. Not very many people really get it or say much to me about it, so thank you 🖤 It's been fucking awful having to hear about that day over and over again, basically daily. IMO it's important that it gets plenty of coverage so people can hopefully learn some things, but it all takes me back to the day I heard her name being said on the news. Mental illness is fucking insidious.
“it would make me a good older brother” - hardcore gaslit me into a paranoid delusion that lasted my entire adolescence
“I was hungry” - hours of verbal and emotional + destroying my pantry I spent an hour organizing neatly”
"I'm doing this to protect you"
"well you need to reconsider how you dress" (which is again proof clothing doesn't matter I wear very modest unisex business casual clothing and required PPE at work)
Both said by my manager about ongoing sexual assault.
Mine said “I feel like I need to lead this family, I know exactly what we should be doing so that everything gets done in time” - when he threw a water bottle at me because I let the kids play outside for 20 mins after school. No there wasn’t a real time issue, I don’t think 6 and 8 year olds need to study 3 hrs in the evening
I would get a slightly higher voice but he would shout at me. And yet I was the one who screamed. He used to tell me I am going to record the conversations and you will see you are the one screaming…
ah yes, distracting from the topic by brining it back to hairsplitting about some definition of what "screaming" is, lol. I eventually settled on him being "unfriendly, sometimes, even if it's caused by other circumstances" and me being "overly sensitive", desperately trying to convey to him that no matter what he calls it and what "makes him do it", I CANNOT STAND IT and the constant stress/fear. And that's why I just wanna leave all the time, alone I have harmony. Then be made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend every waking second with him.
Always left me baffled when he's super nice and sweet to animals and goes like "you have to speak in a calm manner, or else the birdie will fly away".. Well who would've thought. Humans are kinda like that too, they go away if you treat them like shit.
"I know you were 11 and I was 18, but I only raped you because my mom had just died and I was really sad."
That horrific. I’m so sorry
“ my parents were abusive and my brother died 15 years ago”
That it was my fault.
"we were play fighting" "i didn't hear what you were saying" "you like it"
I deserved it
He’s just loud and yells cause of how he was raised. I should be used to it by now and know he doesn’t mean the horrible things he says or threats he makes.
Me as a kid (5ish) with my 60ish yr old babysitters husband... "This is your reward" "you're lucky I'm so nice to you" "This is what you wanted" "You're so special" Is it obvious the kind of abuse it was.... 🤬
It wasn't "him" doing it. He was having a flashback and thought he was someone/where else. And that I didn't de-escalate his mental health episode (aka abuse) properly.
he abuses me because he was molested at 3 years old. He was infact not molested at 3 years old, just a pathological liar
"Before you're born, your spirit picks experiences so that you can learn, and you chose all this" (My mother after learning I had been sexually assaulted by bio-father (7 yrs- day before 13th bithday), when I broke down after a rape at 23).
Are you my half sibling? This sounds so much like my mom. "Before you were born you picked this family. You wanted me to be your mom so you can't blame me for doing what I was destined to end up doing"(meaning being an abusive alcoholic that set the house on fire with her and her 3 children under 6 in it)
That sounds like it! Yes, I am at fault for EVERYTHING
I'm so sorry oh my god
How hard is it to say “I’m here for you” and hug your child.
Well she prefers to judge me, but some parents I guess could instead show love and support..
I’m just pointing out that’s it’s not hard to have compassion. Abusive people are horrid. I’m sorry that your mother was a shitty mum.
No, I understood your comment and appreciate it; I was just saying that her way is to judge rather than show kindness.
“It’s your Fault, Learn your Place and I’ll Stop”
“What happened to you? You used to be able to take a joke.”
Heard that one before too
That he doesn’t even know why he’s doing it he just can’t stop
I never did this to anyone else.
When talking about how awful this other male was for yelling at his gf, saying the exact same horrible things he's said to me "that's different because you were arguing with me when I said those things to you"
It’s only different when THEY do it, right?
Haha 💯 He honestly didn't see how ironic it was
Literally anything I ever said or did was either ”an attack” or I was simply too ”stupid”. He found an excuse anywhere. I could literally be sitting quietly, minding my own business —literally just existing— and he would work himself into a rage over how I was ruining his life by doing it. Also, any and all of HIS fuckups —or whatever bothered him or was wrong with the world— were somehow my fault too. He was pretty much ”woe is me” but on steroids and amplified a hundredfold.
Condensing it here but basically , “you didn’t quietly sit in the corner and eat the shit sandwich I gave you! TSK TSK… I am still waiting for you to ask for the napkin …. Hhhmmmmm.”
"Remember that time you......" "I feel like you attack me" That is what I remember clearly.
That I made him do it, it was my fault, he does it because I don’t love him, and that I need to let it go because we are too good together to call it “cheating” or “abuse.”
I hope you do know this, but it was NEVER your fault.
Oh and that it should be okay because nobody else will ever love me like he does.
My ex's ex hit him so hard in the face & he didn't hit her back. I never touched him and he got physical with me, so when I asked how come you didn't touch her for doing that, but you'd do it to me just in an argument. His response: I know this sounds toxic, but I didn't love her & I love you. But in reality it's because there were witnesses in the first situation.
“you make me bring out this bad character” ah ok
It was NEVER your fault.
yep you’re correct, it was a choice he made.
...at least I never hit you.
!!!!! this one! Then when he did hit me it was “at least there’s no bruise”
“You already believed I was a bad partner so I choose to prove you right” I never thought he was bad until the abuse started
Honestly I would even be told it’s because of what I was doing and I was making him miserable and xyz and whenever I tried to ask what the problem was or what I was doing there wasn’t an answer. Got a few “you knew that you upset me” no I didn’t ? You wouldn’t tell me why you were mad
Not an excuse but anytime I try to call it out, he tells me to call Dr Phil which is him telling me it’s BS and it’s not real. To the point it makes me question if I’m crazy.
It’s not crazy. You’re fighting for yourself. It is NEVER your fault.
"You made me do this. You planned this out so I would react like this"
That I have a victim mentality and it’s not real That the scars from the glass and the photos I have proof of everything he broke and ripped off of me. The spit all Over me. The blood was “in the past “ and I need to “stop living in the past” and that’s my problem That im too sensitive. That I should ask what I did and get with reality. That I’m stuck in Lala land. That I’m confusing my dreams with reality and that’s my problem
My nex (narcissistic ex) used to tell me I played the victim well. That I made him do it. Those were used when he was gaslighting me. He used other's, too, but those were his go to's.
The victim mentality!! I was told that I’ve hurt him too but he doesn’t have a victim mentality like I do. Basically that we’ve been comparably bad for each other and I’m just sensitive
I'm so sorry that is or was happening. I hope you aren't in that situation anymore
“Dude I said I loved her in the most unloving way”
He tried to tell me that he didn't slap me across the face, or punch me in the throat. As if I wasn't there when it happened
“I didn’t hit you that hard, you bruise easily”. It makes me laugh now, and the idiot actually said it in a court document too lol.
oh my god i got a “i did event hit you, i mugged you” “i barely pushed you” i had a bruise for two weeks. he spit on me threw a plate of food on me because i closed the door because i didn’t feel like speaking with him i didn’t slam it..
YES! I got “But you’re iron deficient so you always bruise easily. I doubt it hurt”
They really self reported
"I slept with him because I missed you too much."
[удалено]
i like your username :)
I gave you a blackeye because you kicked me in the balls. No, asshole. I kicked you in the balls because you threw me to the floor and hit me.
I went to my uncle's funeral with dark eyeshadow to cover up my black eye, the cracked ribs weren't visible. Our second child was only three weeks old. (He's 37 now, but it always stays with me)
“You deserved it, you didn’t help me.” after literally hitting me with a 2x4 cause I didn’t know he needed help to begin with cause he didn’t ask.
You're too sensitive and you need to let it go. It's in the past. After leaving me to pay over 10k in credit card debt. He was financially abusive. Of course I was still dealing with it. Smh
You must bruise too easily.
I got this one too. Like wtf lol.
"You used a negative word in an email, so I didn't get the thing that I wanted and you deserve whatever you get."
Or "I'm doing this for your own good" while physically restraining me because I tried to leave after hours of abuse.
"you're making a mountain out of an anthill" *After I confronted him cheating on me with his ex wife during the 3 years we were together*
"if you hadn't told me that he's Bi, then I wouldn't have sexted him." I still for the life of me cannot wrap my head around that one.
You're the abusive one, if you treated me better I wouldn't get so upset. You're the cold and uncaring one, I NEED affection (aka sex) to feel loved. You're just lazy and selfish.
“I didn’t know how to deal with you and I should have not ran away and done the things I’ve done”. My ex husband cheated on me when my dad was murdered and left me to pick up every piece of my life and grief
Oh wow. I am so so sorry!!! I hope you're feeling better!
he said “sorry i’m a Capricorn” looking back it’s kinda funny lol
You made me do it. If you didn't push me to the edge I wouldnt snap. Anything that happens is all on you.
I hit you cause you called me an abuser
"If you weren't being a bitch, I wouldn't have gotten mad."
after months of dumping me, and debating whether i was behaving well enough to see if he loved me, he hit me in public and the next day when he saw the bruise later he said that it was a good thing because it showed that he actually can have that much passion for the our relationship/me
I can relate to the repeated dumping and the wanting me to prove myself through certain actions
one time he cheated on me and said he did it because i wasnt acting enough like his mom, thats when i really realised i would never be able to act well enough for him lol
my god i hope you’ve left him
i did quite recently :))) 8 months later, it was difficult and it got even worse than this towards the end but im feeling better already
" Women like you who dont know when to shutup are the reason men put their hands on women" The messed up thing is that at some point i started to believe it. But even if I didnt talk at all it was still a problem. There was always a problem, an excuse to justify the abuse....
If I said anything it meant I didn’t know when to shut my mouth, but if I stayed quiet it meant I was stonewalling and that’s worse
Oh I have a good one. This was actually the turning point in our relationship for me. My partner, with a history of arrests for his violence towards women(and on occasion men)-dating back over a decade, long before knowing me or his previous partner, Told me “I am not a violent person you and my ex just made me angry.” I went into a state of shock upon hearing this, and he kept saying “don’t you agree, that what happened was your fault?” I went back to find the camera footage to see my response and I couldn’t even answer him because I was just in a state of shock. It’s important to note, I was in denial most of our relationship, because the rose colored glasses I had on made red flags about his past impossible to see as anything more than just flags.
“You don’t *do* anything so why shouldn’t I hurt you?” Also “I am your mother i can do anything to you.”
“Women are to be seen and not heard”- “It’s my way or the Highway”-“You wanna know why I don’t have sex with you? Because I don’t give a fu*k about taking care of you, I just want to get off and be done and you take to long”- “I’m going to work where people actually respect me” and when I finally decided to end it and told his drunken ass to get out after 3 years he told his whole family and friends “It’s her fault and I’ll never stop drinking if I’m with her because she’s toxic” YUCK!!
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Congrats on the soon-to-be-ex part! Why Does He Do That is an incredible book. I urge you to not be hard on yourself up over staying however long you did.
My mom actually said I wasn’t abused cause 1) “an abuser walks in angry and hits the first person they see” and 2) “I wasn’t the only one that went through it”
He said my voice was just annoying and he wouldn't listen to me because I was asking too many questions One time he was angry at me for having gone to school somewhere nice so he yelled at me Another one was for choosing the wrong seat on the train and another time it was for trying to speak when he was mad
Omg 🤦♀️ once during an argument we were having, I told him, I feel like you’re gaslighting me. He starting going off on this rant about how “everyone’s just throwing that word around these days and they have no idea what it means! Everyone thinks they know what it means but it actually originated from the nazis……….” Etc etc etc. I don’t even remember now. Imagine being gaslit into thinking that gaslighting isn’t actually real, and if it is, it doesn’t really mean what you think it means. 🙃
“You think that’s bad, you should see what I’ve been through” “You’ll never know how much I do for you because you are always focused on the negative” (referring to driving drunk with kids in the car and trying to justify it) “You know, you really are rough to handle. You had it coming. You made me do it.” (Destroying family heirlooms for target practice because he didn’t want to buy targets)
He said it was because of my tone of voice.
Yes! Because I was clearly trying to antagonize him with my tone and choice of aggressive words that made him angry. I do not have a problem expressing how stupid his actions are towards me because he knows what he's doing and does it anyway but my reaction is the only thing he seems to focus on, never on what caused me to act that way. He also hates how well versed I am at his obvious narcissist tendencies so he tries to make me think that what I call him is what I actually am. It don't work but that doesn't stop him from attempting the gaslighting.
It’s always the tone of voice. We must’ve been asking for it!
“I didn’t know I was treating you bad” and “my therapist said there’s no way I’m a narcissist”.
“I’ve never done this to anyone else, so it must be you who is causing it” even though he’s been arrested for domestic violence and his ex has told me so many stories of him abusing her.
I know you have been getting some harsh reality checks in the replies of your posts but I really do hope you are steps towards leaving your abusive relationship. Please, from one woman with DV experience to another. you dont deserve to stay in a marriage where you are constantly walked over and treated like this. Love doesnt hurt like this. Love doesnt put you down or belittle you. I dm’d you if you want to talk.
Your sign to move on. From this horrible man.
He will not change. Please choose yourself. Value yourself and your future.
Gaslit about gaslighting lol wonderful
“If you’re acting like a bitch/psycho/crazy, I have every right to call you one” after I reminded him that we shouldn’t be calling each other names or crossing that line
Oh yeah I remember that one like as if anyone should be calling names in the first place he literally said to be don't act like a cunt if you don't want to be called one and the whole time we were together I never called him a single bad name its really a conscious choice to hurt us
“I had to sexually assault you because you weren’t putting out. It’s actually sad for me that I had to do that. You should just put out so I don’t have to force you.” Not those exact words but the gist was the same.
“I didn’t do that” Followed not even 30 seconds later with: “It was self defence” Unless I was coming at him with a weapon (spoiler, I was not), I was not physically capable of injuring him (about a 40kg weight discrepancy)
oh my god. my ex (also a bigger dude) kicked me full force in the chest once when i walked into the room and he was laying in bed, and then when i was on the floor crying he was like “i didn’t do that?” then proceeded to say “well you were coming to attack me so i had to do what i had to do”. i literally never attacked him once during that relationship -edit for spelling
"you made me"
A BIG BIG one used to be that I RESPONDED to the abuse he was already doing to me, in the wrong way. Such as being hurt, unhappy, etc. So then he would give himself the green light to just fuck me up a whole new time. Reactionary Abuse. When the narcissist claims to be the victim or thinks you need some more abuse because you let it show that you’re unhappy in any way with the kick in the teeth they just delivered to you. I recently got told by a new Narc that I know, that they could cry about all kinds of things but now they can’t because I’m standing there crying and now it’s all about me. This was when my eyes filled with tears after they went after me for a few minutes worse and worse until I got teary.
He was “getting ahead of the problem before one was even created.” Kind of the same concept as “nipping something in the bud” only he was just attacking the ground where a plant or anything else would have grown. To get ahead of the problem. And the ground was me.
Because I joined a support group for being abused.
"Your own family treats you this way. Who gives a fuck if I do it too."
"You keep assuming things! That isn't what I meant. You always assume!"
You made me this way.
“Don’t you think you deserve this? Even a little bit?” It took me quite a while to reach the conclusion that I didn’t (which is something I’m still working on even to this day)
Aw I'm sorry :( I had this too my abuser striaght up would tell me I deserved all the stuff he did and said to me
I’m sorry to hear it happened to you as well :(
The most ridiculous one was that he started to yell at me and call me names, very angry, red-faced started telling me that I made him feel like a rapist because of the way I was looking at him. I MADE HIM FEEL LIKE A RAPIST, just by looking at him so he obviously lashed out and verbally and emotionally abused me for it.
You made me do this!
+1
I was told it was because of my autism and I needed to be "disciplined"
And the whole "I don't want to encourage bad behaviour" when you stand up for yourself, like we are dogs?
Apparently so
“My dad doesn’t like you” 😂😂😂😂
"You purposely try to piss me off" Like, no. The last thing I want is your wrath. I walk on eggshells to make sure your anger doesn't come out, and it still does. It's a lose - lose.
"You kept breaking up with me and i didn't feel like you were fully In this." After we promised eachother we'd end it if we ever wanted to see other people. I left him so many times because he was an emotionally abusive drunk. He'd always win me back the next day though. But was already cheating and I didn't know as he was being sweet to me and didn't change anything about his mannerisms.
‘I think you’re enabling me’ ‘I was angry’ ‘I’m sorry but I don’t have the skills or tools to resolve my behavior right now, can I have some time?’ ‘You were acting weird so I…’ ‘I was triggered’ ‘I can’t control myself’ ‘It doesn’t feel like me when I’m like that, it’s not me’ ‘I couldn’t handle the conversation’ Ohhhh how I could go on…
100% this ⬆️
"I got so mad when you sighed." 💀💀
This but when you weren’t even sighing they just heard you breathe😭😭
Oh God yeah I can sense the gaslighting from that. Can't imagine why else they'd do that💀 I'd definitely sigh. BUT there was at least one time when he told me not to yell and I wasn't yelling at all 💀 Then he started going crazy and yelling loud af. Abusers are seriously hypocrites
Simple. "You hurt me so-" and does the rest even matter?
She said she was just mirroring my behavior, which I believed at the time, and made significant efforts to make myself a better partner; but her behavior only got worse as I improved. Looking back in retrospect, she just used it as an excuse to absolve any responsibility for her actions.
Him excusing his verbal abuse as “self defense” bc I was with people when we were broken up
So many different excuses. From his sister: "Yes, my husband and I used to fight too. But we turned it over to God and if you would do that and both start going to church he wouldn't abuse you anymore." From him: 'I may have physically assaulted you, but you did it first. Remember the time years ago we watched a scary movie and I hid outside the front door in the dark and jumped out at you to scare you and you scratched my face? It was actually you who started this since you technically hit me first, I've always been mad and wanted to hit you back' From him: "Now that you've left me, I told my therapist the recent revelation I had that I was sexually manipulated as a teen. She says this is probably why I sexually abused you. So we are both victims and I'm not to blame" And the old tried and true from my family: "it couldn't have been that bad, you stayed with him for 10 years and acted publicly like you got along"
"You allowed it to happen" "You refused to give up your boundaries"
“it was online so it doesn’t count. you could’ve just blocked them.” i was 14, they were 21.
My ex pastor: it’s your fault bc you didn’t submit to him. Ex: I wouldn’t have to make you barricade yourself if you hadn’t rolled your eyes at me. You make me do this.
“What did you expect?”
That I didn’t go to college and am not on the same level as him so I deserve abuse and he wouldn’t abuse women who had an education. If I had chosen a different life path I wouldn’t have been abused by him.
That’s kinda funny bc he sounds completely uneducated.
I spend much time on social media on my phone apparently I have our entire relationship, even though it neither existed for half our relationship. When I pointed this out, apparently it was watching too much tv before then…even though I worked FT and went to grad school during that time….apparently I had time to watch too much tv then. I guess 1 hour per week is unacceptable
I got this too! Wouldn’t lay with me or cuddle because I was “too busy on your phone” even when I would only go on my phone when he was doing something else ahah whenever he would finally come over I’d put it away
Mine said that because I didn’t let him get drunk and smoke pot as much as he wished (which would be 24/7 every day) then he had to abuse me to deal with the emotions and my control issues.
“You so sensitive” from my emotionally abusive mother any time she upset me with her cruelty
It’s your fault, you pissed me off.
I have to treat you this way so you shut up and don’t say anything stupid
Omggg this I remember being snapped at and then saying I was hurt by it and them saying well I needed to be cruel because there's no other way to shut you up
I barley tapped you. So shut up and quit crying.
I’m making you stronger
“It was just a slap in the face it wasn’t that bad, you’ve been hit by your parents worse than that” I asked him to take the laundry basket downstairs *when he finishes his game*. Because my leg was in a cast. He angrily shut off his game, grabbed his keys and left the house. After coming back 7 hours later he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. While sleeping on the last night of the silent treatment I was woken up at 3am to him slapping me in the fucking face then him saying “are you not even gonna say sorry to me?” FOR WHAT, ASKING YOU TO TAKE YOUR OWN DAMN LAUNDRY DOWNSTAIRS SO I CAN WASH THEM?! I said “Jesus Christ” he said “don’t say Jesus Christ at me!” I told him well don’t slap me in the fucking face then. Cue his excuse. He never took the laundry downstairs btw. I ended up just throwing it down the stairs so I could get to it.
"I just wanted you to become a better person"
Oof I heard that one a lot. Meanwhile I’m the kind of person who will go out of my way to pick up worms out of the way so they don’t get stepped on in the rain… my habit of doing that annoyed him. Also annoyed him when I would want to stop and rescue dogs that escaped their homes etc, or lost children 🙃 but IM the one who needs to become a better person somehow.
I wish we knew that when they try to drag us down to their levels, it solely means they feel insecure
"You made me do this, now apologize!"
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the worst. gaslighting that causes learned helplessness. "ha good luck finding someone who will believe you" replays in my head over and over .
After I was raped *while passed out drunk*: "We both made mistakes, and you must accept the role you played here." "You should have screamed or physically fought me. You never verbally told me to stop, so I believed I had your consent." Again, I was passed out and overly intoxicated from alcohol. They were fully aware of my drunken state and apparently decided *tonight is the night*. For whatever twisted reasons they convinced themselves of. I'll never understand that mindset, and I will never "take accountability" for my own rape. [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
I had a counselor in rehab tell me I needed to own up to the part I played in getting raped. I went to a friends house, a married couple who were both marines. We watched talked, watched tv. She went to bed. I tried to leave, he attacked me. I realized i wasn’t strong enough to fight off a male marine. So yeah I’m so fucking sorry for thinking I could hang out with some people, won’t happen again
Why do they say we BOTH have to improve? Sick in the head honestly. Anything to avoid responsibility! I’m sorry that happened to you too.
Thank you.
"I didn't INTEND to hurt you so it's not abuse!" "I was only reacting to you. If you didn't act how you do then I wouldn't act this way." "I lied but it was because you hurt me, and I wanted to hurt you so you would know how I felt."
Oh the didn't intend... Or the devils advocate is another one for the abuser I dealt with. Multiple of them really.
The 2nd one.
“This is just how I am.”
I’ve heard a lot of heartbreaking replies on this thread but this one cuts a little differently because I can relate
It was very frustrating to deal with. I begged this grown man to go to therapy and thats what I was met with every single time. That and a lame ass excuse as to why he couldn’t go. It changed every time. One time he was giving me the silent treatment for no reason and I was literally in tears asking him what was wrong and if I did anything because a minute before that he was fine.
I've heard this so many times. Anytime I had a boundary I was toxic, and had to shape myself to their wants all day every day but God forbid I have a want or need. So demoralizing. So glad to be single.
Yeah me too.
My mother: "you are hurting but you need to know that i was hurting too." -i have scars. Sister: "You deserved it, you think you know more than me." My exboyfriend: "you were so annoying." -he sexually tortured me and hit me in front of his friends Also, after my dog died, one i had since i was 6, i cried every night for three weeks and he goes "how much longer is this going to hapoen? Its getting tiring" Evil son of a bitch. My exwife: "well, its because YOURE abusive" No. Iwasnt.
"You're just always HERE!" Yeah, I live here.
“I know I won’t stop unless you call the cops so I’m going to do whatever it takes until you call them to stop me”
"I never touched you" However, my bruised heart, rib fracture, & bruises said he did. Later(we did not speak for 5 years after that incident), but have been reconnected and in each other's lives for 2.5 years after that time of not speaking, miraculously a couple months ago he admitted he did it, but said "it was just a smack." Meanwhile, I had a therapist(for 3 years)during the 5 years that we did not talk who convinced me that it was possible he truly did not remember if he were to have a black out during his rage. I think he just forgot he'd been denying it, as clearly he has known he has been denying it, while knowing it to be true, for 7.5 years
Oh gosh. I hope you get away from him again. Why is he back in your life ?
During COVID shutdowns....reconnected...unfortunately. He hasn't hit me since. Yet, he started off nice and slowly, but surely his constant criticism...need to be the "king of everything" and intentionally saying things to hurt me has crept in. This latest bout of speaking in such a disrespectful manner is very jarring. It seems the verbal abuse is on another level. I hope you are familiar with domestic violence and the mentality of things. If not, it is a hard thing to understand and "just leave" is not effective.
I do understand I hope for you that you can get away again. Unfortunately once an abuser always an abuser.
When my ex dislocated my knee by putting his full force on my body as I crawled under him to get away, he cried & said "I was just trying to stop you from hurting yourself". (I self-harmed at the time but I was doing nothing of the sort. I was trying to escape his wrath). Man, the gaslighting.
"I can't actually connect with you when we make love if I have to wear a condom" meanwhile I was on birthcontrol that made me feel like I was going crazy (on top of the abuse making me feel like I was crazy)
"at least I tried to do research" after doing something non-consensual, having discussed a plethora of other things to do in a BDSM context. He wasn't into it, but used it as his own excuse to force his own fetish on me
After I lost my like 5th or 6th friend in 2020, this was a verbatim text from my ex (who lived in the same house as me:) "My 100th friend died. Whatever, no one has that many friends."
Also, when I was frozen in shock that someone I love a lot died at a certain shitshow in a past January: "Well maybe you shouldn't be friends with seditionists." He didn't know her, she was a complicated person who had her struggles and had absolutely no business being where she was, but he didn't know what led to that, nor that she helped me so so so many times in the past. And to be 100% clear before anyone comes for me, I'm about as liberal and left leaning as it gets and what happened that certain January was fucking stupid and should NOT have happened and I'm glad some people involved are starting to get their just deserts. Didn't mean anyone had to die, though. Also, I just learned today that in that phrase, though pronounced as, "desserts," it's actually spelled "deserts." Just something for the word nerds!
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m so sorry that someone you loved was involved in that mess.
Thank you for saying that. Not very many people really get it or say much to me about it, so thank you 🖤 It's been fucking awful having to hear about that day over and over again, basically daily. IMO it's important that it gets plenty of coverage so people can hopefully learn some things, but it all takes me back to the day I heard her name being said on the news. Mental illness is fucking insidious.
“it would make me a good older brother” - hardcore gaslit me into a paranoid delusion that lasted my entire adolescence “I was hungry” - hours of verbal and emotional + destroying my pantry I spent an hour organizing neatly”
"I'm doing this to protect you" "well you need to reconsider how you dress" (which is again proof clothing doesn't matter I wear very modest unisex business casual clothing and required PPE at work) Both said by my manager about ongoing sexual assault.
Mine said “I feel like I need to lead this family, I know exactly what we should be doing so that everything gets done in time” - when he threw a water bottle at me because I let the kids play outside for 20 mins after school. No there wasn’t a real time issue, I don’t think 6 and 8 year olds need to study 3 hrs in the evening
“You just do things to trigger me”
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God mine does that too. He literally said “you just love playing the victim” because I cried while he screamed at me
I got you provoke me.
All the time. Or “if I talked to you how you talked to me”… like yeah my reactive abuse isn’t great but you DO sometimes talk to me like that.
I would get a slightly higher voice but he would shout at me. And yet I was the one who screamed. He used to tell me I am going to record the conversations and you will see you are the one screaming…
ah yes, distracting from the topic by brining it back to hairsplitting about some definition of what "screaming" is, lol. I eventually settled on him being "unfriendly, sometimes, even if it's caused by other circumstances" and me being "overly sensitive", desperately trying to convey to him that no matter what he calls it and what "makes him do it", I CANNOT STAND IT and the constant stress/fear. And that's why I just wanna leave all the time, alone I have harmony. Then be made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend every waking second with him. Always left me baffled when he's super nice and sweet to animals and goes like "you have to speak in a calm manner, or else the birdie will fly away".. Well who would've thought. Humans are kinda like that too, they go away if you treat them like shit.