This makes me wonder if there is some kind of trauma in his background that he has never disclosed or dealt with.
His argument is too vehement and his reasoning that “people will say something” is telling. Perhaps he was accused of something and now is afraid of it happening again.
One point you can make is that no one else needs to know about your kids sleeping arrangements. Therefore, no one should say anything.
If he refuses to disclose anything and can’t come up with a better reason, then I see no need to allow him to torture your son by taking away the only solution he has found to deal with his fears.
His outburst and his obvious sexualizing of his children says much more about him than about the kids.
I don't know if it's trauma due to an event or just trauma from his own father's mentality (maybe his dad did the sexualizing and he is echoing his dad) but THIS is extremely possible. My husband comes from an extremely abusive household and have beennin trauma therapy for years dealing with issues as they arise and he remembers things that he has forgotten and then get brought up in our marriage and child rearing. I only know of a few select specific events that he has confided in me about pertaining to things I have inadvertently said or done that have triggered him in the past (ie: i once was playing with our son and got hurt and while laughing I had said "ouch you little shit." And tickled him and my husband went utterly cold and shut down for the rest of the day to me. Eventually later that night he admitted that he knew there was no malice behind when I had said it to our son and I had been playing but the last time he had heard someone say that was when his father had called him a little shit before beating him so badly with a miners belt that he had to wear a diaper to school the next day just to give him padding to sit on from the welts it left and he asked me to please never say that to our son again even though I was just playing and I agreed and havent) But, this is entirely possible.
I may not be able to get a direct answer but if it is tied to his own trauma I don't want him to feel like I'm invalidating his opinion by it seeming like I'm telling him to "go to your therapist and deal with it cause you're wrong."
My family wasn't perfect by any means, but compared to my husbands childhood mine was very normal so he does struggle sometimes with differentiating what is healthy and normal and what is abuse. Ie: he used to think withholding affection when you were upset was normal, but he now sees that its a form of emotional abuse because it makes your children and your spouse think that you can stop loving them at any time for any reason. So now, even when he's upset or angry at one of the kids he makes sure to sit them in his lap and hug them and tell them I love you but I'm still upset because of xyz.
I thank you for the well wishes, it has been a hard journey but you can see by my posting history my husband is a great man and he has put in a TON of work on himself and we make a great team. We have pretty good communication its just sometimes, like in this case, I dont even think his childhood might be influencing his thought process so the hive mind of reddit gives me good outside perspective
Is he in therapy do deal with his trauma? If yes have him discuss the situation with his therapist and get an unbiased opinion. Then go with whatever it is.
I understand. Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him and asking if this has something to do with his family history?
Maybe if you approach it that way he may feel safer to share with you. Also, perhaps the two of you could try to find a compromise solution.
I’ve been a therapist for 35 years and specialized in addiction, dual diagnosis and family dynamics. I’ve dealt with his exact situation hundreds of times.
I absolutely don’t want to discount what he’s going through and his feelings are valid. But he is an adult and your son isn’t. I’m hoping he can try to see it from that perspective. That he has a chance to do things differently with HIS son than his father did with him. And in doing so, he can help insure that his son doesn’t have the same problems he has had to deal with.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them sharing a room for the time being. She clearly feels a lot of that protective instinct towards her brother.
I would, however, recommend that you put the trundle in your sons room. That way, when your daughter inevitably needs alone time or wants to go back to sleeping in her own room, she has her own space to go back to without feeling like she’s kicking out her brother.
I would but there is no room in my sons room for the trundle to be pulled out , and his bed, while tall enough to fit one under it like his sister's bed, has an extra pair of support legs that sit right in the middle of the bed that can't be removed so they would block anything except some loose plastic drawers or those under the bed storage containers.
Ah, well in that case, perhaps move the trundle into your daughters rooms, after all it’ll be good for all the sleepovers and slumber parties she’ll probably want to start having with her friends, and pose it to your kids as them also having a slumber party or something to that effect. That way it’s not that your son is actually moving into your sisters room, more so that as siblings they can bond through one of the many normal ways that both siblings and friends bond. Perhaps your husband would be more ok with that too.
I like this response. It is a less permanent feeling. More like a special event while they maintain their own spaces. It may make OP's husband feel better about it if it isn't sharing a bedroom (although I do feel there is more at play with OPs husband that should be addressed).
You are Not wrong. Your children stumbled on a solution to a problem. The problem being your son's sleeping issues. The solution being, sleeping near his sister. She is a safe person to him. Just being near her gives him comfort, so he can sleep.
Your husband has some issues with their solution. What is his solution? You had a week of no sleep issues while at your parents. He was okay with them being in the same room there.
I have grandkids who shared a room for years. Older girl, younger boy. He often climbed into sister's bed when he couldn't sleep. If she was awake, she would turn on the lamp and read to him until they fell asleep. He asks for her to read to him.
They have recently moved him to his own room. At 10 and 6, she still told her brother he can come to her room if he wakes up. There is nothing wrong with it.
Your husband should talk to his therapist about it. The children found a reasonable solution to a problem. I think he should let them try it for 6 months or so.
How about dad sleeps in the room with son to help him through this phase? You have a perfectly fine solution that he is adamant against so he can be the one to help son when he has bad dreams. That's my solution. I feel sorry for your sweet sweet daughter who definitely has a big heart and love for her brother that is so innocent yet her dad must cast it in a dirty light. That breaks my heart.
My brother and I are only a year apart (I’m a girl) and we grew up sharing a room. For the first 5 years of my life we lived in apartment and we had bunk beds. Then we moved and we each got our own rooms but we didn’t sleep in them unless we were together. I slept on the bunk beds with him in his room, and then in my room he slept on a mattress or my bed together. Once we moved again, we were around 10 and 9 and we still shared a room even though I had my own room, and not a SINGLE weird thing went on between us. We’d laugh and make jokes until our dad told us to go to bed, we played games snd made up stories with our stuffed animals, we would build forts and jump on our beds. I would tell him my made up stories to help him fall asleep and I’d sometimes hold him because he didn’t like the dark and being alone and you know what other people said? NOTHING they said nothing.
Your husband is really really weird for finding a way so sexualize his children sharing a room when he knows all your daughter wants is to protect her brother. The fact he even sees something weird about that is really gross. Siblings share rooms all the time no matter the gender. My brother and I are older now and we don’t share rooms anymore but we do hang out and sometimes he comes and just sits with me in my room and we talk. Try and talk to your husband some more and if that doesn’t work do it anyways, he’s pretty much the only one who sees something wrong with this and that’s on him.
This says more about your husband sexualizing every thing and your 9 being more concerned for 4 than husband.
You are not wrong and the sexualizing of your children is not okay especially at such a young age.
Not wrong, at those ages, she is just being a protective big sister. I think it's rather sweet. It'll change soon enough when she becomes a terrible teen and wants to get away from her "annoying little brother" 🤣
(I hope that never happens though, 😊)
In a couple of years or so, she will start wanting her own space, which is normal. Until then, let them be close siblings.
My so(25) and daughter (29) did this. The ages were similar. They are both young and it may help both of them. After a few years both were sleeping contentedly in their own rooms.
I'm so confused and weirded out by his response.
I shared a room, and sometimes a bed (cheers poverty) with siblings of all genders and ages. My baby brothers and sisters popped in for years after we got our own rooms, and what's really amazing, is even as adults, we've flopped on one another's beds and shared our day, our heartbreaks, our joys, our fears.
Does your husband wake with your son at all during these nightmares? If not I’d roll his ass out of bed every single time. Force him to wake every single time your son wakes since he’s so against it.
No, my husband is a VERY heavy sleeper, just like my daughter. Its why she didnt even notice her brother climbing into bed with her at her grandparents house while we were ataying there. They could both sleep through a bomb going off. I'm a light sleeper. I once woke up to the footfalls of a wolf spider on a plastic bag on my bedroom floor beside my bed. (Thats not an exageration. I'm so arachnophobic I recognized the pattern of my enemies footsteps on a plastic bag and came awake in a full on panic. The spider was the size of a nickel.) So at his first whimper I'm wide awake. I'll give him a minute to see if its just a night terror and hes able to drift back off or if the actual tears start I'll get out if bed, and by the time I throw on a night gown He'll be saying Mommy, Daddy, Morgie, I'm scared. (His sister's name is Morrígan) and usually I'll catch him either at his door or in the hallway heading to either our room or our daughters room to see where he can get in to to crawl in bed with somebody if we havent woken up. I'll take him back to bed, tuck him back in and sit with him until he starts to doze off and then for the next 2-3 hours its a constant tears, up/down, taking him back to bed "I'm scared" until he finally crashes out again an hour before my husband has to get up for work and then he sneaks into bed with me for another hour
I get the feeling that the son won’t go to his parents because his dad makes him feel bad, based on his response to the ask. Dad didn’t sit down and gently talk about everything. He got mad and no means no. So basically shut down this ask vs gently talking to his child, his compassionate loving daughter. So I’m guessing he’s afraid to wake dad by going to mom and I bet not once has dad gotten up w him during the night. But hey, that’s just my gut feeling on that poor kid. And a big sister whose little brother always crawled in her bed. God I love that memory
He comes to our room but if he wakes my husband up he'll ask me to take him back. We start our bedtime routine at 6 and I have both kids in bed by 7. Daughters bedtime is 9, son struggles to get to sleep until 10. (Earlier in winter so late now because of longer daylight hours) he wakes up again around 2 and cries that hes scared. (He has a night light) and gets out of bed and starts trying rooms. If his sisters door is closed he comes to our room. If he wakes up his daddy i'll take him back to bed and stay with him until he dozes off and i'll gpo back to bed. But it wont be long and he'll realize im not there.anymore and he'll start crying again and be back in our room again and for the next two hours its a constant back and forth taking him to bed, tucking him in, up/down until he crashes at 4. At 5 my husband's alarm goes off and wakes me back up. And the sound of my husband getting ready in the bathroom wakes our son back up so he'll sneak back into bed with me and go back to sleep until 6-7
Good lord woman how are you functioning with so little sleep? I don't think I could make it through a week that way, no wonder you are ready for a solution, a full night's sleep must be fabulous for you.
I do feel for your husband too with the trauma he's had, and I hope you can work through it with the help of his therapist. Knowing kids, when you get it sorted he will probably not have nightmares anymore jk.
Coffee is my best friend and when my son lays down for his afternoon nap I nap with him. Thats how I function, lol. I dont know what a full nights sleep is. Havent had one of those since my daughter was born, lol. She was a colick baby. I learned with her that concept they tell all new moms of "sleep when the baby sleeps" was the only way I was going to survive
I don't think there's anything wrong with them sharing a room. As long as you continue to follow the advice from his pediatrician, and make sure they don't become dependent on each other. You want to make sure your son isn't always relying so heavily on your daughter for support so that she can still have a childhood and he can still learn mechanisms to help with his sleeping. You seem to already be on top of all of that. I think your daughter is an absolute sweetheart for wanting to share a room with him and protect him. As long as you're having some boundaries there and continue to encourage his independence, I don't see anything wrong with it.
I've seen way too many posts, specifically about fathers, seemingly sexualizing their own kids, and it's really concerning.
until I was 10 we lived in a 4 room ranch w 2 bedrooms. I shared a room w my 2 brothers, one older one younger. We moved because at our ages it was time for me to not be sharing w my brothers. This was in the 70s. My younger brother and I were very close. He’s 8 years younger. It was my bed he came to when he woke up, both before and after we shared a room. I adored that kid.
Time to be thinking outside the box. A trundle is an awesome idea for her for future friend slumber parties/sleep overs. If dad can’t articulate a valid reason then he doesn’t get a universal no. Your universal yes came first.
Please get your kids into therapy. Your daughter seems To have unresolved issues w the twin lost in the womb. And seems to know way too much about it at her age and it’s brought up way too often. And w his nightmares and Asha why isn’t he seeing a therapist? Once a therapist has worked w both kids they can give their actual informed, educated opinion.
now as im playing armchair dr Phil get the trundle. Your kid needs to be comforted and your husband has made you and himself off limits to the kid. At least that’s how I would feel w his harshness. How can your son come to you when his dad is so mean about his nightmares? And that’s how it’s coming across to your son. Let the kids continue until you are in therapy and actually giving your son resources to self comfort himself. Cuz as far as I can see the kid has zero resources on how to handle his nightmares other than seeking comfort from his big sister. Why deny him that? As you said it’s not forever and if you engage therapist(s) to give both your kids help dealing w their issues then your son will learn to work through the issues causing the nightmares (some deep seated lost twin trauma) and sister will feel less like it’s up to her to keep him safe. W the right tools they will both grow out of this. But until the kids have the right tools dad can take a suck pill and you do what’s right for your kids right now. Both the trundle and the therapy.
Is your daughter old enough for sleep overs yet? If so, buy that trundle, get it set up and have a sleep over this weekend. That’s its intended purpose vs anything else. But seriously, the kids need help you guys can’t give them. The lost twin is too present in your daily lives and it isn’t healthy for anyone. Blessed be
My daughter actually is in therapy. She sees the therapist once a week during the school year and then about twice a month during the summer months. I got her into therapy because she was having anxiety problems, not just about the lost twin but other things as well. Daughter is also on prozac and the medication and her own therapy have done wonders for her anxiety. Her lost sister isnt something that we talk about every day or anything like that but I agree it has been a contributing factor to why she is protective but as mentioned I have also stepped in to tell her that she is just a kid herself and to enjoy being one. Also, completely off topic, but on a 2spooky note, she talks to her baby sister. She has ever since she was 4. We werent the ones to tell her the twin had passed. She and I had just been at home the day after I had found out and she was on the living room floor looking at the wall and having a conversation and I asked her who she was talking to and she said "my baby sister that lives in the air, but She says baby brother is still in your tummy." And I got chills and I said "your baby sister?" And my daughter said "yeah, she says don't worry mommy, everything will be okay." And sometimes, to this day, she'll just randomly stop playing for a few seconds and stare out one of our big bay windows in our livingroom and then come give me a hug and start to cry and just says " i miss my baby sister. She loves you so much mommy and I love you too."
My son isnt in therapy because he is only 4 and cant vocalize his thoughts well yet. But I also think he knows "something is missing" because he sleeps with not just his teddy bear I bought him while I was pregnant but also the one intended for his twin. My daughter also still sleeps with her teddy bear I got her as well. Security stuffed animals.
This just gave my the chills. I hope you don't discount what your daughter told you. Young children have such an amazing gift to be open and receive energy that unfortunately adults sometimes aren't in tune with anymore. I hope she always keeps that connection! What a beautiful gift.
Oh no, I'm wicca, I fully believe my daughter's words. My best friend was killed in a collision and afterward I would regularly get visitation dreams from her. After I got pregnant she came to me in one extremely excited and said she got to come back to live another lifetime with all of us. (Meaning our group of friends. We're all like siblings) After my daughter was born, I havent had any more visitation dreams from my friend, but when my daughter was 2 I was driving on the highway and ended up beside a semi with another semi in front on wet roads. I had one of those baby mirrors where you can look in the rearview and see the baby cause the mirror is attached to the rear headrest and baby can see you too. I saw my daughter nervously look out the window, cover her face and say "crash" and start to cry.
We have never been in an accident. She had never seen one. At 2 we dont even know how she knew the word crash. The house we live in was built by my great grandfather. He died before I was born so not even I have met him but she has seen him in our house. She used to point and say "Pappy". But that was never a name for one of her 4 grandfathers. (3 greats, 1 grand. She doesnt know my husbands father) my dad is Pawpaw, his dad is Pappaw, My mom's dad is Pop and my mom's step dad is Pap. "Pappy" was what everyone in the family had called MY great grandfather. And she can distinguish because when my mom's stepdad passed away and we go to visit his widow she would walk arpund calling "Pap". My grandma thinks she was looking for him, and she might have been, but me personally, I think she could see him and was following him because he was always working on something be it electrical or plumbing in the house. Though in that case I think it was residual energy being replayed that she was seeing because he had just passed, but yes, I believe my child. 100%.
If I pressured my kids to behave or believe a certain way based on my own beliefs I'd agree with you, but just because I notice these things about them doesnt mean I don't understand that they are their own unique individual people with their own personalities that need to be nurtured and that is what I do. Its why at the first sign of my daughter struggling at school I sought her a therapist, and I often encourage her to be a kid and stop worrying so much about her brother because I am a SAHM. I'm always here for both of them.
My sister and I wanted this soooooo badly (2 years apart) but our plan required a renovation so it never came to fruition. It’s totally normal. It’s insane that adults strive to share a bed but think there are shenanigans afoot if children want to share a room. Having someone to comfort you after a nightmare or keep you company when neither of you can sleep shouldn’t be an adult privilege. One day, your daughter will revisit this situation and wonder if your husband thought she was some kind of pervert.
You’re not wrong and your husband has some strange hang ups. Was he abused as a child?
You are not wrong.
Your husband is already sexualizing your children. There is no issue whatsoever with two siblings of any gender sleeping in the same room. It’s troubling he is having such an issue with this.
He is also showing no consideration for your children’s agency in their own lives. Children do not respond well to that. Additionally, he has no respect for your son’s condition and his needs. This is a perfect solution to his constantly waking up at night. It is temporary. Your husband seriously needs to chill.
Your husband is out of line.
Your son is having sleeping issues and his safe place is his sister. Temporary or not, I think what's best for him is more important.
I'm not going to talk about the best decision to make, but I think you made a mistake by letting your daughter and son "share" a room without talking to your husband first. Furthermore, I also think it is wrong for you to tell your daughter that you are going to try to change your husband's decision on the matter.
This type of speech can greatly harm the relationship your daughter has with her father.
This type of decision must be made by both parents and presented to the children as a decision of both.
If I were you I would sit down with my husband and talk about the situation and make a decision that we are both comfortable with. Additionally, I would talk to a psychologist to see if them sleeping together will actually help your child (in the long run) or if it could cause the relationship to become too dependent.
* Sorry for the mistakes, but English is not my first language.
Had to scroll way too far to find this response.
They are both wrong. Dad is wrong for his reasoning. Obviously needs a conversation. Mom is wrong for undermining dad. And wrong for letting an 8 year old take on this role. Parents, not daughter, should be supporting son overnight. Kids aren’t asking to share room because it’s fun. Daughter offered to share room to emotionally support brother. Those are two different things altogether.
This! I’m way more concerned with the mothering role daughter would be fostering if they were to share a room, than any possible abuse. It could be the start of a lifetime of unhealthy co-dependent behaviors. Mom and dad need to step up and support their son, thereby showcasing to daughter that they are able and willing to meet his needs. Then channel her mothering into a more appropriate role like taking care of a pet or garden.
(BTW: If husband is unable to be roused mid-sleep, I’d consider checking out if he has sleep apnea or other sleep disorder.)
I think so too. The daughter taking care of her younger brother when he can't sleep is very wrong. This role belongs to the parents and not the daughter.
And she says she knows that at some point her daughter will want her room back, but what if that happens when her son is still having trouble sleeping? What will be done? Will the daughter be forced to continue taking care of her brother? Or will the brother be "forced" to sleep alone and potentially blame the sister for the change?
I think this solution to the current problem will generate many problems in the future.
Yup the way she speaks reminds me of my mom. She utterly destroyed any relationship I had with my dad, because she kept saying things like how my dad was an "ogre" and was always wrong and just being mean. He wasn't, he was just the disciplinarian.
In the end she ended up leaving my dad, and now she begs me to talk to him but I just don't love him anymore because of all the programming she did to me when I was a kid.
I have 10 and 12 year olds on bunk bed. Daughter 10 in the top bunk and son 12 in the bottom bunk. They love it and find it cozy. It’s a full on the bottom and twin on the top. Eventually, they will have their separate rooms.
My mom once told me that it was illegal for boys and girls to share the same bed. I don't have any brothers but occasionally we would have my sister's best friend and her brother (ages 7 and 9) sleep over when their mom had to work overnight. My mom would worry about where everyone was going to sleep, because she couldn't have the boy and girl sibling share a bed, or a sleeping area on the floor.
She never admitted that something happened to her as she was growing up, but I have a feeling it did. Likely there is something similar going on in this situation.
Not wrong. They will still both be able to have their privacy when they want it, and chances are you will find he ends up in her room even if you don't do it. If I remember correctly, HUD won't approve you for separate rooms for mixed gendered kids until they are 10. So for you, your husband, and 2 kids, you would only be approved for a 2 bedroom until the oldest kid hit 10 years old.
Someone feel free to correct me if I have the age wrong on that, but that's what I remember being told.
My son had bunk beds, and my daughter often wanted to sleep in the bottom bunk when they were very young. They eventually outgrew that, but we never saw it as an issue, and if both kids find comfort in it, then why not? Eventually my daughter went back to sleeping in her own bed more regularly until they got to an age where they both wanted their privacy.
My younger two (girl and boy, 2.5 years apart) shared a room with bunk beds for several years, because that's what they wanted. They neither one of them wanted to be alone, and we didn't see any reason to not allow them. They are in their 30s now, both good kids. NW
Your husband is an absolute moron. Seriously?
A generation ago? The kids would have slept in the same room. Everyone having their own room is a modern, wealthy society norm. In many parts of the world, whole families share one space
You’re definitely not wrong. You’re raising a really caring and wonderful daughter, and it’s great how good her relationship is with your son.
I hope you can resolve this with your husband.
I don't know if this is helpful, but in the UK, there is an actual age limit on mixed genders sharing a room, and that age is 10. So, for an 8 year old and a 4 year old to share a room is completely fine and legal by UK standards.
1. I would find out what the laws and recommendations are in the area you live in
2. You should have discussed this with your husband BEFORE agreeing with your daughter and you should NOT have confronted him about it with her there. **Y T A** for that (bad sport. Parents should provide a united front to the kids and discuss in private first - you didn't have his back and now he is the bad guy, which isn't fair).
3. **N T A for wanting to allow it but** you need to work on your communication with your husband without judgement. It could be "this is what he grew up believing", it could be "this is how he perceives things" or it could be "there is real reasons here he hasn't voiced and you arent understanding". Whether he needs to be educated or you need to listen and understand more... a confrontational attitude isn't going to help anyone. You need to sit down and actually hear where he is coming from. Present your point of view and work out where you agree and where you don't. Don't judge. Invite conversation and mutual understanding.
The fact that he is shutting down the conversation is also not ideal from his part... but it doesn't sound like you are validating his concerns. He raised a concern about a boy and girl sharing a room. You have done nothing to address that or understand where he is coming from. He is not wrong to have concerns (whether or not you feel they are relevant to the situation). You are wrong to dismiss them without a genuine (private) discussion.
Final ruling - you are not wrong in wanting to allow this (which was the original question) but you are wrong in how you are dealing with it. You could be a better (more supportive) partner.
Call me crazy but after scanning all of this I feel like I have a duty to state that I would very much not recommend calling your husband (or insinuating that he is) a pedophile based off of just one of his opinions. Sounds like a reeeeally good way to do (potentially) irreparable damage to your relationship and family…
I have no intention of doing that. As stated in other responses I think, more than likely, this is stemming from something out of his childhood that I dont know about so I will have a better talk with him in private without thw kids around so he feels more comfortable talking to me if it is something like that. He tries to shelter them from his past as much as possible. They have never met his parents. As far as they know their grandma and grandpa on his side are his aunt and uncle and his aunt just passed away last saturday. So that is contributing to EVERYONE'S sleep issues this week and I think its why my daughter even came up with the idea of having her brother share her room. I think he comforts her too. She didn't know his aunt well. She's only ever met her a few times at family gatherings and whenever we.would run into them while grocery shopping, but in case it isnt obvious by now my daughter is a very empathetic girl. She knows her daddy is very sad right now and she struggles with anxiety because of her empathy.
He's making decisions with his trauma, not with his head. Bring it back to the problem at hand. "So what do we do about it? Would you like to get up at night to deal with this?"
I don't understand where your husband is coming from. They are kids, and it's entirely innocent. I am three years younger than my sister. She had a lot of anxiety and started sleeping in my room. I think she told me at the time she was helping me have less nightmares but I think she was struggling.
It was lovely. She still had her own room, I just had a second bed for her. We played flashlight tag and told stories. All I have is happy memories. We got older and she moved back into her room.
I was like 5 or 6 and she was like 8 or 9.
My daighter has anxiety as well and the woman she knows as one of her grandmothers just passed away last week. Now you have me wondering if that isnt whats going on here as well. I never thought about it because she didnt attend the funeral or viewings, didnt see her in the hospital and had only ever seen her a few times in her life at family gatherings, but maybe it bothers her more than she is expressing.
My sister would guise taking care of me to make herself feel better. It was a coping mechanism. She was terrified to be home alone, but if she was taking care of me she was fine.
Your daughter won't have the ability to clearly articulate these feelings. It could be that. It could be she legimately grieves the lost twin. I'm guessing she knew you were pregnant with twins? It might make her feel safer having having her little brother around because she doesn't feel entirely safe she won't lose him. Or she might just like playing mom and there is nothing deeper. They might have just had fun and it's not some dark secret. But that's also beautiful. My sister and I are still quite close and I cherish those memories.
I don't know. But i know she is advocating for something that's innocent and seems mutually beneficial. I'd listen to her. There is a reason, whether it's deep or shallow.
Your husband's hang ups seems to be personal to him rather than relevant to your kids
Yes she knew. And as mentioned in another comment, at 4 she didnt understand what death was. All she knew was that we had originally told her there was 2 babies in my tummy, a brother and sister. I went to the hospital to have her brother and I only came home with her brother. Now that she is 8 she understands death better. Again, as mentioned in other comments, the woman she knew as one of her grandmothers just passed away last weekend
1. No parents should give a “yes” or “no” answer to a child before discussing it together first. 2. When you sat down with your husband to discuss this, your 8 year old shouldn’t have been present! You can’t have an adult conversation when there’s a kid at the table. 3. When you have one “yes” and one “no”, you have a “no”. To tell your daughter you’d talk to her dad again, knowing she was present the first time, is toxic. It’s creating the idea that dad’s “no” doesn’t count and mom will fix it. So the whole handling of this was wrong from the get go. And you say you know things you cannot possibly know. The way you describe your 4 year old daughter’s response to you coming home with one and not two babies and her subsequent behavior of being protective of the baby so it wouldn’t also disappear is concerning. If you commonly have to remind her she’s mothering him too much, this selfless act can come from a place of overprotecting. And that needs some steering. Maybe she should talk to a child specialized (grief) counselor. It certainly can’t hurt her. So maybe consider this? All that being said, I don’t think your husband’s concerns are quite valid. They’re young, not teenagers and no one is losing their bedroom. It can be handled on a night by night basis. If he had worded his concerns differently, I would have been more on his side. But please do consider having your daughter talk to a specialized counselor to make sure she’s doing okay.
I'm with you and your kids. Keeping your son's room for later makes sense and so does your reasoning.
I can offer a suggestion which is likely to help your son. Check out EFT (aka Emotional Freedom Techniques aka "tapping") for kids and teach it to both of them.
EFT is an excellent method which can be used by children and adults to help with MANY emotional states, and even physical problems.
There are kids books demonstrating EFT as well as videos online. It's simple to learn, highly effective and empowering. Most kids quickly learn to use it when and as needed.
Good luck with this situation.
If it’s working for the kids, let it go! I’m sure the children will go back to their own rooms when it’s time!
I do not see any issues with sharing bedrooms at all, and the fact the younger is in a trundle and not her bed, or yours, means he is learning to sleep alone!
Military families who live in base housing are given housing, based on rank and number of children - the military would not consider two opposite sex children sharing a room a to be a problem until one of them is at least 10 - it’s been a while, but I don’t think it was actually a requirement until one of the children turned 12. Even then, many families had to wait for appropriate housing to become available.
Basically, it was ok with Uncle Sam, and no one thought it was bad or inappropriate!
I’m glad he sleeps in the trundle willingly, you should set up his room the same way so Big Sis can encourage him to sleep in his room when She/they decide it’s time. Obviously your daughter has the right to say she wants privacy, and can change her mind.
Having a trundle bed in his room means she can hang with him on his bad nights, and maybe spend a couple nights in there to help him realize he is ok.
Also, many families don’t have the option of each child having their own room, my family is mostly Catholic- when you grew up in a family of 5, 8 or even double digit children, having 2 - 5+ children seems normal and chances are that kids are sharing rooms.
Finally, all my children were co-sleepers, starting with the bassinet next to the bed, to me falling asleep while nursing, to randomly coming in sometime during the night - all my children gravitated back to their beds on their own starting at around 8 years old.
Why does anyone outside you and your husband know there was a twin that died in utero? That seems like a great foundation for a lifetime of mental health issues. Yes, you are wrong and hopefully you have your kids in therapy now.
Hubby is wrong here. The kids aren’t teens who need more privacy, they are both little still, and it is a special bond they are enjoying as siblings. Nothing more, nothing less. If they find comfort in it, that isn’t a reason to step in as a parent and stop it. Updateme.
I think your hubs is right that it’s not healthy but not for the reason he’s saying. Your daughter may need therapy to deal with her grief over her little brothers death. If she literally has to be told not to mother her own brother so much then it sounds more like smothering and potentially a reaction to the trauma of losing his twin. If he has nightmares and needs to crawl into bed with someone for comfort then put a camp bed or blowup mattress into your room it’s not her responsibility. Also get him therapy and actually deal with the nightmares in the first place instead of just making him suffer by waiting for him to grow out of it. Good luck op.
that is weird, maybe something happened to him or someone he knew had something happened and wasn't a good memory/experience. you should talk to him separately
You aren’t wrong. Your daughter is ok with this and it makes your son feel better. Your husband is a d!ck for shutting down like he as the final say. He’s making this weird for no reason just because they’re different genders.
Tell him he can get up at night and deal with your son.
My brother, sister, and I had to share a room and bed until we were 10, 8, and 6. We were poor and nothing sexual was going on. It’s concerning that he’s so against it and is so horrified that you shared with your siblings.
Teenage years is too late to start having your own room. Preteen is really the best time for kids to start separating, maturing, and learning to survive the night on their own as well as have privacy.
So, I think for the next 2 to 3 years, your daughter can be in the room with her brother, and then she needs her own room.
This is what my mother did for my brother and me -- and I am grateful, she gave me my own space for puberty and to usher in my womanhood, so to speak.
They’re CHILDREN, they’re most definitely not thinking about anything sex related because they’re CHILDREN. Young ones at that! Your husband is extremely gross for suggesting anything different. Projection much?
You're not wrong. But your husband obviously has some issues he needs to work out. Perhaps a solution might be to put the trundle in the daughter's room, but let your son use it only when needed verses automatically every night. And start some sort of reward system for him staying at his own bed and self-soothing. This would give flexibility and let him know that if he needs support it's there but it also would encourage him to be on his own sometimes.
Because girls can start puberty at 9 and that’s a lot for a girl to go through let alone while sharing a room with a younger brother. But also because of how many of my siblings went through foster care and the rule is no sharing between opposite sex. I don’t think it’s wrong it’s just not something I’d be comfortable with.
He is in Early Head Start and although VERY intelligent he was developmentally delayed in his speech and socialization at 3. Prefering sign language over speeking, parallel play or solo play instead of peer play. And he just could NOT focus during things like story time when his classmates could. And on the playground and at home I would notice he had zero concept of danger or self preservation. He would break away from me and run directly for the street. If our dogs were fighting over a toy he thought they were playing and tried to get between them once. Stacking multiple chairs and things on top of one another to try and climb up to reach things.
We thought he might be on the spectrum at first so when he turned 4 we had him evaluated by a specialist a few hours away (hooray living in the middle of BFN) but the specialist said no. That other than the above mentioned he doesnt have the other earmarks of ASD and said ADHD instead because the 2 have a lot of overlap. His pediatrician accepted the specialists diagnosis and prescribed a couple meds and his behavior has done a total 180. He is now what I would call a normal 4 year old like my daughter was at his age vs how he was. Within 2 weeks of beingnon the ADHD meds and being able to just sit still and focus his vocabulary EXPLODED, he started potty training, you can actually see him stop and process things in his little brain as "hey this is dangerous" its like a switch was flipped where before the throttle was stuck to the floor.
First off, your husband needs therapy.. no reason the kids can't be in the same room. Second, not sure why you added the bit about him being a twin? It's not related to anything and super weird you'd keep a dead fetus for 4 months decaying in you next to your l live growing infant, this is extremely unhealthy and dangerous. Not to mention sepsis, what kinda hospital even allowed that?
It was actually more dangerous to my son to try and remove her than to allow my body to handle it naturally because he had the same condition that ultimately caused her death, a 2 vessel umbilical cord. I was monitored with twice weekly ultrasounds and bedrest. Losing 1 twin in utero is actually more common that you would think and there are several ways the human body handles it to preserve the life of the other twin. I also added the bit about him being a twin as background information to give understanding as to why my children are so close because I know many siblings arent. I'm not that close to my siblings, and would never in a million years have offered to share my room with them if i didnt have to, let alone going out of my way to ask my mom to biy a sp3cial bed jist for them to put in my room.
If children's siblings aren't getting along that's something else going on at home. No reason these babies can't share a room or be close. My brother used to share my room constantly as a child. We are 5 years apart. I'm sorry to hear you had to carry the baby like that for months, I can't even imagine that.
O my goodness!!!! You and your husband sleep together and he wants to deny a 4year old the same comfort???? What the h e double hockey sticks us wrong with you???!!!
This makes me wonder if there is some kind of trauma in his background that he has never disclosed or dealt with. His argument is too vehement and his reasoning that “people will say something” is telling. Perhaps he was accused of something and now is afraid of it happening again. One point you can make is that no one else needs to know about your kids sleeping arrangements. Therefore, no one should say anything. If he refuses to disclose anything and can’t come up with a better reason, then I see no need to allow him to torture your son by taking away the only solution he has found to deal with his fears. His outburst and his obvious sexualizing of his children says much more about him than about the kids.
I don't know if it's trauma due to an event or just trauma from his own father's mentality (maybe his dad did the sexualizing and he is echoing his dad) but THIS is extremely possible. My husband comes from an extremely abusive household and have beennin trauma therapy for years dealing with issues as they arise and he remembers things that he has forgotten and then get brought up in our marriage and child rearing. I only know of a few select specific events that he has confided in me about pertaining to things I have inadvertently said or done that have triggered him in the past (ie: i once was playing with our son and got hurt and while laughing I had said "ouch you little shit." And tickled him and my husband went utterly cold and shut down for the rest of the day to me. Eventually later that night he admitted that he knew there was no malice behind when I had said it to our son and I had been playing but the last time he had heard someone say that was when his father had called him a little shit before beating him so badly with a miners belt that he had to wear a diaper to school the next day just to give him padding to sit on from the welts it left and he asked me to please never say that to our son again even though I was just playing and I agreed and havent) But, this is entirely possible. I may not be able to get a direct answer but if it is tied to his own trauma I don't want him to feel like I'm invalidating his opinion by it seeming like I'm telling him to "go to your therapist and deal with it cause you're wrong."
I have nothing to offer but good wishes for your family. It sounds like you've all been through some shit.
My family wasn't perfect by any means, but compared to my husbands childhood mine was very normal so he does struggle sometimes with differentiating what is healthy and normal and what is abuse. Ie: he used to think withholding affection when you were upset was normal, but he now sees that its a form of emotional abuse because it makes your children and your spouse think that you can stop loving them at any time for any reason. So now, even when he's upset or angry at one of the kids he makes sure to sit them in his lap and hug them and tell them I love you but I'm still upset because of xyz. I thank you for the well wishes, it has been a hard journey but you can see by my posting history my husband is a great man and he has put in a TON of work on himself and we make a great team. We have pretty good communication its just sometimes, like in this case, I dont even think his childhood might be influencing his thought process so the hive mind of reddit gives me good outside perspective
Is he in therapy do deal with his trauma? If yes have him discuss the situation with his therapist and get an unbiased opinion. Then go with whatever it is.
Yes he is. He has a therapist that specializes in trauma.
I understand. Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him and asking if this has something to do with his family history? Maybe if you approach it that way he may feel safer to share with you. Also, perhaps the two of you could try to find a compromise solution. I’ve been a therapist for 35 years and specialized in addiction, dual diagnosis and family dynamics. I’ve dealt with his exact situation hundreds of times. I absolutely don’t want to discount what he’s going through and his feelings are valid. But he is an adult and your son isn’t. I’m hoping he can try to see it from that perspective. That he has a chance to do things differently with HIS son than his father did with him. And in doing so, he can help insure that his son doesn’t have the same problems he has had to deal with.
I havent yet. I will tomorrow.
No pressure, but feel free to post updates - I am very curious how this turns out
My thought too
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them sharing a room for the time being. She clearly feels a lot of that protective instinct towards her brother. I would, however, recommend that you put the trundle in your sons room. That way, when your daughter inevitably needs alone time or wants to go back to sleeping in her own room, she has her own space to go back to without feeling like she’s kicking out her brother.
I would but there is no room in my sons room for the trundle to be pulled out , and his bed, while tall enough to fit one under it like his sister's bed, has an extra pair of support legs that sit right in the middle of the bed that can't be removed so they would block anything except some loose plastic drawers or those under the bed storage containers.
Ah, well in that case, perhaps move the trundle into your daughters rooms, after all it’ll be good for all the sleepovers and slumber parties she’ll probably want to start having with her friends, and pose it to your kids as them also having a slumber party or something to that effect. That way it’s not that your son is actually moving into your sisters room, more so that as siblings they can bond through one of the many normal ways that both siblings and friends bond. Perhaps your husband would be more ok with that too.
I like this response. It is a less permanent feeling. More like a special event while they maintain their own spaces. It may make OP's husband feel better about it if it isn't sharing a bedroom (although I do feel there is more at play with OPs husband that should be addressed).
Or a bunk bed
You are Not wrong. Your children stumbled on a solution to a problem. The problem being your son's sleeping issues. The solution being, sleeping near his sister. She is a safe person to him. Just being near her gives him comfort, so he can sleep. Your husband has some issues with their solution. What is his solution? You had a week of no sleep issues while at your parents. He was okay with them being in the same room there. I have grandkids who shared a room for years. Older girl, younger boy. He often climbed into sister's bed when he couldn't sleep. If she was awake, she would turn on the lamp and read to him until they fell asleep. He asks for her to read to him. They have recently moved him to his own room. At 10 and 6, she still told her brother he can come to her room if he wakes up. There is nothing wrong with it. Your husband should talk to his therapist about it. The children found a reasonable solution to a problem. I think he should let them try it for 6 months or so.
How about dad sleeps in the room with son to help him through this phase? You have a perfectly fine solution that he is adamant against so he can be the one to help son when he has bad dreams. That's my solution. I feel sorry for your sweet sweet daughter who definitely has a big heart and love for her brother that is so innocent yet her dad must cast it in a dirty light. That breaks my heart.
My brother and I are only a year apart (I’m a girl) and we grew up sharing a room. For the first 5 years of my life we lived in apartment and we had bunk beds. Then we moved and we each got our own rooms but we didn’t sleep in them unless we were together. I slept on the bunk beds with him in his room, and then in my room he slept on a mattress or my bed together. Once we moved again, we were around 10 and 9 and we still shared a room even though I had my own room, and not a SINGLE weird thing went on between us. We’d laugh and make jokes until our dad told us to go to bed, we played games snd made up stories with our stuffed animals, we would build forts and jump on our beds. I would tell him my made up stories to help him fall asleep and I’d sometimes hold him because he didn’t like the dark and being alone and you know what other people said? NOTHING they said nothing. Your husband is really really weird for finding a way so sexualize his children sharing a room when he knows all your daughter wants is to protect her brother. The fact he even sees something weird about that is really gross. Siblings share rooms all the time no matter the gender. My brother and I are older now and we don’t share rooms anymore but we do hang out and sometimes he comes and just sits with me in my room and we talk. Try and talk to your husband some more and if that doesn’t work do it anyways, he’s pretty much the only one who sees something wrong with this and that’s on him.
This says more about your husband sexualizing every thing and your 9 being more concerned for 4 than husband. You are not wrong and the sexualizing of your children is not okay especially at such a young age.
You should ask your husband why he is sexualizing your children. Maybe he has some things he needs to get off his chest about his 10 siblings.
Not wrong, at those ages, she is just being a protective big sister. I think it's rather sweet. It'll change soon enough when she becomes a terrible teen and wants to get away from her "annoying little brother" 🤣 (I hope that never happens though, 😊) In a couple of years or so, she will start wanting her own space, which is normal. Until then, let them be close siblings.
Maybe add the trundle to daughter's room and son, if he wakes up can go to her room. Your husband is sexualizing your kids.
My so(25) and daughter (29) did this. The ages were similar. They are both young and it may help both of them. After a few years both were sleeping contentedly in their own rooms.
I'm so confused and weirded out by his response. I shared a room, and sometimes a bed (cheers poverty) with siblings of all genders and ages. My baby brothers and sisters popped in for years after we got our own rooms, and what's really amazing, is even as adults, we've flopped on one another's beds and shared our day, our heartbreaks, our joys, our fears.
You’re not wrong your husband is weird for this
Does your husband wake with your son at all during these nightmares? If not I’d roll his ass out of bed every single time. Force him to wake every single time your son wakes since he’s so against it.
No, my husband is a VERY heavy sleeper, just like my daughter. Its why she didnt even notice her brother climbing into bed with her at her grandparents house while we were ataying there. They could both sleep through a bomb going off. I'm a light sleeper. I once woke up to the footfalls of a wolf spider on a plastic bag on my bedroom floor beside my bed. (Thats not an exageration. I'm so arachnophobic I recognized the pattern of my enemies footsteps on a plastic bag and came awake in a full on panic. The spider was the size of a nickel.) So at his first whimper I'm wide awake. I'll give him a minute to see if its just a night terror and hes able to drift back off or if the actual tears start I'll get out if bed, and by the time I throw on a night gown He'll be saying Mommy, Daddy, Morgie, I'm scared. (His sister's name is Morrígan) and usually I'll catch him either at his door or in the hallway heading to either our room or our daughters room to see where he can get in to to crawl in bed with somebody if we havent woken up. I'll take him back to bed, tuck him back in and sit with him until he starts to doze off and then for the next 2-3 hours its a constant tears, up/down, taking him back to bed "I'm scared" until he finally crashes out again an hour before my husband has to get up for work and then he sneaks into bed with me for another hour
I get the feeling that the son won’t go to his parents because his dad makes him feel bad, based on his response to the ask. Dad didn’t sit down and gently talk about everything. He got mad and no means no. So basically shut down this ask vs gently talking to his child, his compassionate loving daughter. So I’m guessing he’s afraid to wake dad by going to mom and I bet not once has dad gotten up w him during the night. But hey, that’s just my gut feeling on that poor kid. And a big sister whose little brother always crawled in her bed. God I love that memory
He comes to our room but if he wakes my husband up he'll ask me to take him back. We start our bedtime routine at 6 and I have both kids in bed by 7. Daughters bedtime is 9, son struggles to get to sleep until 10. (Earlier in winter so late now because of longer daylight hours) he wakes up again around 2 and cries that hes scared. (He has a night light) and gets out of bed and starts trying rooms. If his sisters door is closed he comes to our room. If he wakes up his daddy i'll take him back to bed and stay with him until he dozes off and i'll gpo back to bed. But it wont be long and he'll realize im not there.anymore and he'll start crying again and be back in our room again and for the next two hours its a constant back and forth taking him to bed, tucking him in, up/down until he crashes at 4. At 5 my husband's alarm goes off and wakes me back up. And the sound of my husband getting ready in the bathroom wakes our son back up so he'll sneak back into bed with me and go back to sleep until 6-7
Good lord woman how are you functioning with so little sleep? I don't think I could make it through a week that way, no wonder you are ready for a solution, a full night's sleep must be fabulous for you. I do feel for your husband too with the trauma he's had, and I hope you can work through it with the help of his therapist. Knowing kids, when you get it sorted he will probably not have nightmares anymore jk.
Coffee is my best friend and when my son lays down for his afternoon nap I nap with him. Thats how I function, lol. I dont know what a full nights sleep is. Havent had one of those since my daughter was born, lol. She was a colick baby. I learned with her that concept they tell all new moms of "sleep when the baby sleeps" was the only way I was going to survive
I don't think there's anything wrong with them sharing a room. As long as you continue to follow the advice from his pediatrician, and make sure they don't become dependent on each other. You want to make sure your son isn't always relying so heavily on your daughter for support so that she can still have a childhood and he can still learn mechanisms to help with his sleeping. You seem to already be on top of all of that. I think your daughter is an absolute sweetheart for wanting to share a room with him and protect him. As long as you're having some boundaries there and continue to encourage his independence, I don't see anything wrong with it. I've seen way too many posts, specifically about fathers, seemingly sexualizing their own kids, and it's really concerning.
Nothing wrong with them sharing a room. In fact could be healthy for them.
Your husband’s response is weird. There is nothing wrong with them sharing a room, and his mental health issues should not be pushed onto his kids.
until I was 10 we lived in a 4 room ranch w 2 bedrooms. I shared a room w my 2 brothers, one older one younger. We moved because at our ages it was time for me to not be sharing w my brothers. This was in the 70s. My younger brother and I were very close. He’s 8 years younger. It was my bed he came to when he woke up, both before and after we shared a room. I adored that kid. Time to be thinking outside the box. A trundle is an awesome idea for her for future friend slumber parties/sleep overs. If dad can’t articulate a valid reason then he doesn’t get a universal no. Your universal yes came first. Please get your kids into therapy. Your daughter seems To have unresolved issues w the twin lost in the womb. And seems to know way too much about it at her age and it’s brought up way too often. And w his nightmares and Asha why isn’t he seeing a therapist? Once a therapist has worked w both kids they can give their actual informed, educated opinion. now as im playing armchair dr Phil get the trundle. Your kid needs to be comforted and your husband has made you and himself off limits to the kid. At least that’s how I would feel w his harshness. How can your son come to you when his dad is so mean about his nightmares? And that’s how it’s coming across to your son. Let the kids continue until you are in therapy and actually giving your son resources to self comfort himself. Cuz as far as I can see the kid has zero resources on how to handle his nightmares other than seeking comfort from his big sister. Why deny him that? As you said it’s not forever and if you engage therapist(s) to give both your kids help dealing w their issues then your son will learn to work through the issues causing the nightmares (some deep seated lost twin trauma) and sister will feel less like it’s up to her to keep him safe. W the right tools they will both grow out of this. But until the kids have the right tools dad can take a suck pill and you do what’s right for your kids right now. Both the trundle and the therapy. Is your daughter old enough for sleep overs yet? If so, buy that trundle, get it set up and have a sleep over this weekend. That’s its intended purpose vs anything else. But seriously, the kids need help you guys can’t give them. The lost twin is too present in your daily lives and it isn’t healthy for anyone. Blessed be
My daughter actually is in therapy. She sees the therapist once a week during the school year and then about twice a month during the summer months. I got her into therapy because she was having anxiety problems, not just about the lost twin but other things as well. Daughter is also on prozac and the medication and her own therapy have done wonders for her anxiety. Her lost sister isnt something that we talk about every day or anything like that but I agree it has been a contributing factor to why she is protective but as mentioned I have also stepped in to tell her that she is just a kid herself and to enjoy being one. Also, completely off topic, but on a 2spooky note, she talks to her baby sister. She has ever since she was 4. We werent the ones to tell her the twin had passed. She and I had just been at home the day after I had found out and she was on the living room floor looking at the wall and having a conversation and I asked her who she was talking to and she said "my baby sister that lives in the air, but She says baby brother is still in your tummy." And I got chills and I said "your baby sister?" And my daughter said "yeah, she says don't worry mommy, everything will be okay." And sometimes, to this day, she'll just randomly stop playing for a few seconds and stare out one of our big bay windows in our livingroom and then come give me a hug and start to cry and just says " i miss my baby sister. She loves you so much mommy and I love you too." My son isnt in therapy because he is only 4 and cant vocalize his thoughts well yet. But I also think he knows "something is missing" because he sleeps with not just his teddy bear I bought him while I was pregnant but also the one intended for his twin. My daughter also still sleeps with her teddy bear I got her as well. Security stuffed animals.
This just gave my the chills. I hope you don't discount what your daughter told you. Young children have such an amazing gift to be open and receive energy that unfortunately adults sometimes aren't in tune with anymore. I hope she always keeps that connection! What a beautiful gift.
Oh no, I'm wicca, I fully believe my daughter's words. My best friend was killed in a collision and afterward I would regularly get visitation dreams from her. After I got pregnant she came to me in one extremely excited and said she got to come back to live another lifetime with all of us. (Meaning our group of friends. We're all like siblings) After my daughter was born, I havent had any more visitation dreams from my friend, but when my daughter was 2 I was driving on the highway and ended up beside a semi with another semi in front on wet roads. I had one of those baby mirrors where you can look in the rearview and see the baby cause the mirror is attached to the rear headrest and baby can see you too. I saw my daughter nervously look out the window, cover her face and say "crash" and start to cry. We have never been in an accident. She had never seen one. At 2 we dont even know how she knew the word crash. The house we live in was built by my great grandfather. He died before I was born so not even I have met him but she has seen him in our house. She used to point and say "Pappy". But that was never a name for one of her 4 grandfathers. (3 greats, 1 grand. She doesnt know my husbands father) my dad is Pawpaw, his dad is Pappaw, My mom's dad is Pop and my mom's step dad is Pap. "Pappy" was what everyone in the family had called MY great grandfather. And she can distinguish because when my mom's stepdad passed away and we go to visit his widow she would walk arpund calling "Pap". My grandma thinks she was looking for him, and she might have been, but me personally, I think she could see him and was following him because he was always working on something be it electrical or plumbing in the house. Though in that case I think it was residual energy being replayed that she was seeing because he had just passed, but yes, I believe my child. 100%.
Sounds like you're putting allot of your trauma on your kids.
If I pressured my kids to behave or believe a certain way based on my own beliefs I'd agree with you, but just because I notice these things about them doesnt mean I don't understand that they are their own unique individual people with their own personalities that need to be nurtured and that is what I do. Its why at the first sign of my daughter struggling at school I sought her a therapist, and I often encourage her to be a kid and stop worrying so much about her brother because I am a SAHM. I'm always here for both of them.
My sister and I wanted this soooooo badly (2 years apart) but our plan required a renovation so it never came to fruition. It’s totally normal. It’s insane that adults strive to share a bed but think there are shenanigans afoot if children want to share a room. Having someone to comfort you after a nightmare or keep you company when neither of you can sleep shouldn’t be an adult privilege. One day, your daughter will revisit this situation and wonder if your husband thought she was some kind of pervert. You’re not wrong and your husband has some strange hang ups. Was he abused as a child?
You are not wrong. Your husband is already sexualizing your children. There is no issue whatsoever with two siblings of any gender sleeping in the same room. It’s troubling he is having such an issue with this. He is also showing no consideration for your children’s agency in their own lives. Children do not respond well to that. Additionally, he has no respect for your son’s condition and his needs. This is a perfect solution to his constantly waking up at night. It is temporary. Your husband seriously needs to chill.
Your husband is out of line. Your son is having sleeping issues and his safe place is his sister. Temporary or not, I think what's best for him is more important.
I'm not going to talk about the best decision to make, but I think you made a mistake by letting your daughter and son "share" a room without talking to your husband first. Furthermore, I also think it is wrong for you to tell your daughter that you are going to try to change your husband's decision on the matter. This type of speech can greatly harm the relationship your daughter has with her father. This type of decision must be made by both parents and presented to the children as a decision of both. If I were you I would sit down with my husband and talk about the situation and make a decision that we are both comfortable with. Additionally, I would talk to a psychologist to see if them sleeping together will actually help your child (in the long run) or if it could cause the relationship to become too dependent. * Sorry for the mistakes, but English is not my first language.
Had to scroll way too far to find this response. They are both wrong. Dad is wrong for his reasoning. Obviously needs a conversation. Mom is wrong for undermining dad. And wrong for letting an 8 year old take on this role. Parents, not daughter, should be supporting son overnight. Kids aren’t asking to share room because it’s fun. Daughter offered to share room to emotionally support brother. Those are two different things altogether.
This! I’m way more concerned with the mothering role daughter would be fostering if they were to share a room, than any possible abuse. It could be the start of a lifetime of unhealthy co-dependent behaviors. Mom and dad need to step up and support their son, thereby showcasing to daughter that they are able and willing to meet his needs. Then channel her mothering into a more appropriate role like taking care of a pet or garden. (BTW: If husband is unable to be roused mid-sleep, I’d consider checking out if he has sleep apnea or other sleep disorder.)
I think so too. The daughter taking care of her younger brother when he can't sleep is very wrong. This role belongs to the parents and not the daughter. And she says she knows that at some point her daughter will want her room back, but what if that happens when her son is still having trouble sleeping? What will be done? Will the daughter be forced to continue taking care of her brother? Or will the brother be "forced" to sleep alone and potentially blame the sister for the change? I think this solution to the current problem will generate many problems in the future.
Yup the way she speaks reminds me of my mom. She utterly destroyed any relationship I had with my dad, because she kept saying things like how my dad was an "ogre" and was always wrong and just being mean. He wasn't, he was just the disciplinarian. In the end she ended up leaving my dad, and now she begs me to talk to him but I just don't love him anymore because of all the programming she did to me when I was a kid.
I have 10 and 12 year olds on bunk bed. Daughter 10 in the top bunk and son 12 in the bottom bunk. They love it and find it cozy. It’s a full on the bottom and twin on the top. Eventually, they will have their separate rooms.
My mom once told me that it was illegal for boys and girls to share the same bed. I don't have any brothers but occasionally we would have my sister's best friend and her brother (ages 7 and 9) sleep over when their mom had to work overnight. My mom would worry about where everyone was going to sleep, because she couldn't have the boy and girl sibling share a bed, or a sleeping area on the floor. She never admitted that something happened to her as she was growing up, but I have a feeling it did. Likely there is something similar going on in this situation.
Not wrong. They will still both be able to have their privacy when they want it, and chances are you will find he ends up in her room even if you don't do it. If I remember correctly, HUD won't approve you for separate rooms for mixed gendered kids until they are 10. So for you, your husband, and 2 kids, you would only be approved for a 2 bedroom until the oldest kid hit 10 years old. Someone feel free to correct me if I have the age wrong on that, but that's what I remember being told.
My son had bunk beds, and my daughter often wanted to sleep in the bottom bunk when they were very young. They eventually outgrew that, but we never saw it as an issue, and if both kids find comfort in it, then why not? Eventually my daughter went back to sleeping in her own bed more regularly until they got to an age where they both wanted their privacy.
My younger two (girl and boy, 2.5 years apart) shared a room with bunk beds for several years, because that's what they wanted. They neither one of them wanted to be alone, and we didn't see any reason to not allow them. They are in their 30s now, both good kids. NW
Your husband is an absolute moron. Seriously? A generation ago? The kids would have slept in the same room. Everyone having their own room is a modern, wealthy society norm. In many parts of the world, whole families share one space
You’re definitely not wrong. You’re raising a really caring and wonderful daughter, and it’s great how good her relationship is with your son. I hope you can resolve this with your husband.
I don't know if this is helpful, but in the UK, there is an actual age limit on mixed genders sharing a room, and that age is 10. So, for an 8 year old and a 4 year old to share a room is completely fine and legal by UK standards. 1. I would find out what the laws and recommendations are in the area you live in 2. You should have discussed this with your husband BEFORE agreeing with your daughter and you should NOT have confronted him about it with her there. **Y T A** for that (bad sport. Parents should provide a united front to the kids and discuss in private first - you didn't have his back and now he is the bad guy, which isn't fair). 3. **N T A for wanting to allow it but** you need to work on your communication with your husband without judgement. It could be "this is what he grew up believing", it could be "this is how he perceives things" or it could be "there is real reasons here he hasn't voiced and you arent understanding". Whether he needs to be educated or you need to listen and understand more... a confrontational attitude isn't going to help anyone. You need to sit down and actually hear where he is coming from. Present your point of view and work out where you agree and where you don't. Don't judge. Invite conversation and mutual understanding. The fact that he is shutting down the conversation is also not ideal from his part... but it doesn't sound like you are validating his concerns. He raised a concern about a boy and girl sharing a room. You have done nothing to address that or understand where he is coming from. He is not wrong to have concerns (whether or not you feel they are relevant to the situation). You are wrong to dismiss them without a genuine (private) discussion. Final ruling - you are not wrong in wanting to allow this (which was the original question) but you are wrong in how you are dealing with it. You could be a better (more supportive) partner.
Call me crazy but after scanning all of this I feel like I have a duty to state that I would very much not recommend calling your husband (or insinuating that he is) a pedophile based off of just one of his opinions. Sounds like a reeeeally good way to do (potentially) irreparable damage to your relationship and family…
I have no intention of doing that. As stated in other responses I think, more than likely, this is stemming from something out of his childhood that I dont know about so I will have a better talk with him in private without thw kids around so he feels more comfortable talking to me if it is something like that. He tries to shelter them from his past as much as possible. They have never met his parents. As far as they know their grandma and grandpa on his side are his aunt and uncle and his aunt just passed away last saturday. So that is contributing to EVERYONE'S sleep issues this week and I think its why my daughter even came up with the idea of having her brother share her room. I think he comforts her too. She didn't know his aunt well. She's only ever met her a few times at family gatherings and whenever we.would run into them while grocery shopping, but in case it isnt obvious by now my daughter is a very empathetic girl. She knows her daddy is very sad right now and she struggles with anxiety because of her empathy.
What a weirdo. 8 and 4 is perfect age
What a sweet dynamic your children have. Your daughter has the compassion her father needs. He is not right in his comments or in his head.
He's making decisions with his trauma, not with his head. Bring it back to the problem at hand. "So what do we do about it? Would you like to get up at night to deal with this?"
Too long.
I don't understand where your husband is coming from. They are kids, and it's entirely innocent. I am three years younger than my sister. She had a lot of anxiety and started sleeping in my room. I think she told me at the time she was helping me have less nightmares but I think she was struggling. It was lovely. She still had her own room, I just had a second bed for her. We played flashlight tag and told stories. All I have is happy memories. We got older and she moved back into her room. I was like 5 or 6 and she was like 8 or 9.
My daighter has anxiety as well and the woman she knows as one of her grandmothers just passed away last week. Now you have me wondering if that isnt whats going on here as well. I never thought about it because she didnt attend the funeral or viewings, didnt see her in the hospital and had only ever seen her a few times in her life at family gatherings, but maybe it bothers her more than she is expressing.
My sister would guise taking care of me to make herself feel better. It was a coping mechanism. She was terrified to be home alone, but if she was taking care of me she was fine. Your daughter won't have the ability to clearly articulate these feelings. It could be that. It could be she legimately grieves the lost twin. I'm guessing she knew you were pregnant with twins? It might make her feel safer having having her little brother around because she doesn't feel entirely safe she won't lose him. Or she might just like playing mom and there is nothing deeper. They might have just had fun and it's not some dark secret. But that's also beautiful. My sister and I are still quite close and I cherish those memories. I don't know. But i know she is advocating for something that's innocent and seems mutually beneficial. I'd listen to her. There is a reason, whether it's deep or shallow. Your husband's hang ups seems to be personal to him rather than relevant to your kids
Yes she knew. And as mentioned in another comment, at 4 she didnt understand what death was. All she knew was that we had originally told her there was 2 babies in my tummy, a brother and sister. I went to the hospital to have her brother and I only came home with her brother. Now that she is 8 she understands death better. Again, as mentioned in other comments, the woman she knew as one of her grandmothers just passed away last weekend
1. No parents should give a “yes” or “no” answer to a child before discussing it together first. 2. When you sat down with your husband to discuss this, your 8 year old shouldn’t have been present! You can’t have an adult conversation when there’s a kid at the table. 3. When you have one “yes” and one “no”, you have a “no”. To tell your daughter you’d talk to her dad again, knowing she was present the first time, is toxic. It’s creating the idea that dad’s “no” doesn’t count and mom will fix it. So the whole handling of this was wrong from the get go. And you say you know things you cannot possibly know. The way you describe your 4 year old daughter’s response to you coming home with one and not two babies and her subsequent behavior of being protective of the baby so it wouldn’t also disappear is concerning. If you commonly have to remind her she’s mothering him too much, this selfless act can come from a place of overprotecting. And that needs some steering. Maybe she should talk to a child specialized (grief) counselor. It certainly can’t hurt her. So maybe consider this? All that being said, I don’t think your husband’s concerns are quite valid. They’re young, not teenagers and no one is losing their bedroom. It can be handled on a night by night basis. If he had worded his concerns differently, I would have been more on his side. But please do consider having your daughter talk to a specialized counselor to make sure she’s doing okay.
Nta. Your husband is looking at it in a weird, sexual way. I'm worrying about it. Or maybe his parents tought the same?
I'm with you and your kids. Keeping your son's room for later makes sense and so does your reasoning. I can offer a suggestion which is likely to help your son. Check out EFT (aka Emotional Freedom Techniques aka "tapping") for kids and teach it to both of them. EFT is an excellent method which can be used by children and adults to help with MANY emotional states, and even physical problems. There are kids books demonstrating EFT as well as videos online. It's simple to learn, highly effective and empowering. Most kids quickly learn to use it when and as needed. Good luck with this situation.
If it’s working for the kids, let it go! I’m sure the children will go back to their own rooms when it’s time! I do not see any issues with sharing bedrooms at all, and the fact the younger is in a trundle and not her bed, or yours, means he is learning to sleep alone! Military families who live in base housing are given housing, based on rank and number of children - the military would not consider two opposite sex children sharing a room a to be a problem until one of them is at least 10 - it’s been a while, but I don’t think it was actually a requirement until one of the children turned 12. Even then, many families had to wait for appropriate housing to become available. Basically, it was ok with Uncle Sam, and no one thought it was bad or inappropriate! I’m glad he sleeps in the trundle willingly, you should set up his room the same way so Big Sis can encourage him to sleep in his room when She/they decide it’s time. Obviously your daughter has the right to say she wants privacy, and can change her mind. Having a trundle bed in his room means she can hang with him on his bad nights, and maybe spend a couple nights in there to help him realize he is ok. Also, many families don’t have the option of each child having their own room, my family is mostly Catholic- when you grew up in a family of 5, 8 or even double digit children, having 2 - 5+ children seems normal and chances are that kids are sharing rooms. Finally, all my children were co-sleepers, starting with the bassinet next to the bed, to me falling asleep while nursing, to randomly coming in sometime during the night - all my children gravitated back to their beds on their own starting at around 8 years old.
Why does anyone outside you and your husband know there was a twin that died in utero? That seems like a great foundation for a lifetime of mental health issues. Yes, you are wrong and hopefully you have your kids in therapy now.
Hubby is wrong here. The kids aren’t teens who need more privacy, they are both little still, and it is a special bond they are enjoying as siblings. Nothing more, nothing less. If they find comfort in it, that isn’t a reason to step in as a parent and stop it. Updateme.
I think your hubs is right that it’s not healthy but not for the reason he’s saying. Your daughter may need therapy to deal with her grief over her little brothers death. If she literally has to be told not to mother her own brother so much then it sounds more like smothering and potentially a reaction to the trauma of losing his twin. If he has nightmares and needs to crawl into bed with someone for comfort then put a camp bed or blowup mattress into your room it’s not her responsibility. Also get him therapy and actually deal with the nightmares in the first place instead of just making him suffer by waiting for him to grow out of it. Good luck op.
Updateme
that is weird, maybe something happened to him or someone he knew had something happened and wasn't a good memory/experience. you should talk to him separately
You aren’t wrong. Your daughter is ok with this and it makes your son feel better. Your husband is a d!ck for shutting down like he as the final say. He’s making this weird for no reason just because they’re different genders. Tell him he can get up at night and deal with your son.
This is such a nice scenario why is he stomping on it?
My brother, sister, and I had to share a room and bed until we were 10, 8, and 6. We were poor and nothing sexual was going on. It’s concerning that he’s so against it and is so horrified that you shared with your siblings.
He’s being ridiculous.
You are not wrong. Your husband is being weird and unreasonable.
Teenage years is too late to start having your own room. Preteen is really the best time for kids to start separating, maturing, and learning to survive the night on their own as well as have privacy. So, I think for the next 2 to 3 years, your daughter can be in the room with her brother, and then she needs her own room. This is what my mother did for my brother and me -- and I am grateful, she gave me my own space for puberty and to usher in my womanhood, so to speak.
You are not wrong. Your husband needs to unpack whatever worries thoughts are in his head.
They’re CHILDREN, they’re most definitely not thinking about anything sex related because they’re CHILDREN. Young ones at that! Your husband is extremely gross for suggesting anything different. Projection much?
I 18m)and my sister 20f sometimes still share the bed and my parents don't sexualize it, ur husband need therapy
Wait till your spouse finds out about how half of Japan sleeps
You're not wrong. But your husband obviously has some issues he needs to work out. Perhaps a solution might be to put the trundle in the daughter's room, but let your son use it only when needed verses automatically every night. And start some sort of reward system for him staying at his own bed and self-soothing. This would give flexibility and let him know that if he needs support it's there but it also would encourage him to be on his own sometimes.
I don't like how he said no and that's final. Why does he get the final day? No I don't think so sir!!
> "because of the age difference" At 8 and 4? ... Your husband has a bizarre and frightening mind; I dread to think what goes through it.
It’s not wrong but I wouldn’t want my kids doing it either
why?
Because girls can start puberty at 9 and that’s a lot for a girl to go through let alone while sharing a room with a younger brother. But also because of how many of my siblings went through foster care and the rule is no sharing between opposite sex. I don’t think it’s wrong it’s just not something I’d be comfortable with.
i wonder if he would feel the same if the son was older and the daughter was younger. just a thought.
Side questions, how did they diagnose ADHD at the age of 4? Any pediatrician would (and should) be reluctant to even test before 5.
He is in Early Head Start and although VERY intelligent he was developmentally delayed in his speech and socialization at 3. Prefering sign language over speeking, parallel play or solo play instead of peer play. And he just could NOT focus during things like story time when his classmates could. And on the playground and at home I would notice he had zero concept of danger or self preservation. He would break away from me and run directly for the street. If our dogs were fighting over a toy he thought they were playing and tried to get between them once. Stacking multiple chairs and things on top of one another to try and climb up to reach things. We thought he might be on the spectrum at first so when he turned 4 we had him evaluated by a specialist a few hours away (hooray living in the middle of BFN) but the specialist said no. That other than the above mentioned he doesnt have the other earmarks of ASD and said ADHD instead because the 2 have a lot of overlap. His pediatrician accepted the specialists diagnosis and prescribed a couple meds and his behavior has done a total 180. He is now what I would call a normal 4 year old like my daughter was at his age vs how he was. Within 2 weeks of beingnon the ADHD meds and being able to just sit still and focus his vocabulary EXPLODED, he started potty training, you can actually see him stop and process things in his little brain as "hey this is dangerous" its like a switch was flipped where before the throttle was stuck to the floor.
First off, your husband needs therapy.. no reason the kids can't be in the same room. Second, not sure why you added the bit about him being a twin? It's not related to anything and super weird you'd keep a dead fetus for 4 months decaying in you next to your l live growing infant, this is extremely unhealthy and dangerous. Not to mention sepsis, what kinda hospital even allowed that?
It was actually more dangerous to my son to try and remove her than to allow my body to handle it naturally because he had the same condition that ultimately caused her death, a 2 vessel umbilical cord. I was monitored with twice weekly ultrasounds and bedrest. Losing 1 twin in utero is actually more common that you would think and there are several ways the human body handles it to preserve the life of the other twin. I also added the bit about him being a twin as background information to give understanding as to why my children are so close because I know many siblings arent. I'm not that close to my siblings, and would never in a million years have offered to share my room with them if i didnt have to, let alone going out of my way to ask my mom to biy a sp3cial bed jist for them to put in my room.
If children's siblings aren't getting along that's something else going on at home. No reason these babies can't share a room or be close. My brother used to share my room constantly as a child. We are 5 years apart. I'm sorry to hear you had to carry the baby like that for months, I can't even imagine that.
O my goodness!!!! You and your husband sleep together and he wants to deny a 4year old the same comfort???? What the h e double hockey sticks us wrong with you???!!!