Definitely a tough situation but idk if cutting off contact completely was the correct move. I agree with cutting off financial support but you should always be there for your daughter even when she’s making poor decisions. Sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way but be there to help them when they figure it out.
Agree ^ She will need support when she realises he’s no good, and she won’t have you to turn to anymore and she will remember it. I would open the door to support her emotionally. We’ve all been in similar situations and being there for your kids when they’ve learned a valued lesson in life means the most!
The way my parents put it, we will let our kids struggle, but never starve. And that goes for both literally and emotionally. They will let me make my own choices and mistakes, but they also aren't going to let me be alone when those mistakes have their consequences.
>The way my parents put it, we will let our kids struggle, but never starve. And that goes for both literally and emotionally. They will let me make my own choices and mistakes, but they also aren't going to let me be alone when those mistakes have their consequences.
I love this paragraph. I try to be this way for my son (he's 24). I don't want to interfere in his life, but I'll help when asked and I won't let him hurt alone.
My thoughts exactly. At points in my life I never expected my parents to ever help me again. Then my dad came to me when my kids and I were about to be homeless. He knew we needed him and we mended fences. It’s ok to swallow pride and show forgiveness is possible because love is always there.
Absolutely the way I want to be for my kids! No college fund, used old beater, a job if they want said beater, etc. But I’ll always be a safe haven for them whenever they need
This. I lied about my degree, hid being unemployed and got evicted recently and my dad still took me back in. Granted I’m on a tighter leash financially with him than before.
But it’s good anecdotal backing that parents will do what they can to make sure their children aren’t on the street
THIS 💯- cut the purse strings by all means, but not contact.
She's 21 and obviously not a gold digger or money hungry because she chose love, at least by her own understanding of it.
Re-establish communication, but remain steadfast on the money tip. Unfortunately, the bf might need a 'talking to' if he's abusing her. A stern one.
And PLEASE OP, make sure you save that money that you’re withholding so that when she wants out of this relationship, you have a soft pillow for her by helping her get on her feet again!
this is how you end up with a severely abused, if not dead, child. they have only been together a few months and you’re already ready to disown her?? how is she your pride and joy if you can let go of her that easily? when you have a child you need to be there for them through their mistakes. that’s when they need you most.
Yeah OP if it's really the way you say it is she needs someone she feels safe to turn to when it gets really bad. Her fear of your "I told you so" could cost her (and you) a *lot* of pain or worse, if it stops her from turning to anyone for help.
Also notice they are struggling, but still together. If they both know they're cut off from you financially, and he didn't leave, perhaps it's not all about money.
Seriously "slightly harsh"?
This jerk goes to the extreme and DISOWNS his daughter and goes FULLY No Contact throwing her away FOREVER.
What could possibly be more harsh than that?
Having a loving parent die on you while you're young. Didn't leave you on purpose, but you're completely on your own with no financial or emotional support ever again...
Respectfully disagree. As an only child who lost both loving parents by 22, I have understood fully that I am alone in this world. BUT, I still pity this girl more, the rejection of knowing your missing parent is alive still, but is acting dead... That would be way worse to me.
She never had a loving parent after her mom died. His “love” is a huge fucking joke for him to be able to cut her off when she needed him most. I really hope someone else, male, female, older, younger, comes into her life and makes her feel good enough about herself to leave all toxic contacts in the past forever.
Any time you tell your kids not to date someone, you push them towards that person harder. You said he’s isolating her, so your logical step was to cut her off and isolate her more? What if she needs you but you disowned her? If she needs help, she can’t come to you or talk to you because you want nothing to do with her, correct?
Shes 21. She’s a full fledged adult. You may not like her decisions but they are *her* decisions to make and have nothing to do with you. Are you going to cut her off/disown her every time she makes a decision or choice you don’t like? This is shitty parenting 101.
Shes old enough to support herself financially, but completely cutting her off both emotionally and financially makes her even more dependent on this guy making it harder to get away from him if that’s what she wants to do. If she’s not working and he is paying for everything, I can guarantee you he’s financially abusing her too. You let that happen.
It’s really no wonder why she thinks controlling and manipulative
behavior from men is ok. You seem pretty controlling and manipulative yourself so there’s a good chance she thinks that’s “normal” in healthy relationships.
Had you not disowned her (which you did because you couldn’t control her) for a decision that has nothing to do with you, she most likely would have seen that he was a bad guy a lot sooner and probably wouldn’t have ever moved in with him.
You sir, fucked up.
This is 100% correct. I came from a family who tried to financially control me. It was always, "you do that, you're out of the will!" I didn't take a dime from them from before I was 16 onwards. Nothing to hold over my head. Same situation here, but she apparently let him buy her. There is no actual love if you can discard your child for an assumed mistake. Feel free to "protect" her by cutting her off financially if it seems like he's after family money (he's not as he's still with her), but DISOWNING HER?! The only thing that would make me disown my kids is if they maliciously murdered someone.
Yeah, you were wrong. Cutting her off financially is one thing, but you *disowned* her?? Way to give her no way back. Way to make her feel your love was conditional. And you’re worried *he’s* controlling?? Look in the mirror dude.
If this situation is truly breaking your heart you’ll apologize to your daughter. You’ll tell her you love her unconditionally and that nothing will change that. I hope that’s true. I hope you tell her that she can count on you from now on. That doesn’t mean to reinstate her in your will (tho you should) it means that if she’s in trouble, needs help, you’ll be there for her. Bc that’s what a loving parent does.
I hope you get the opportunity to say all these things to her. It might take awhile for her to let you, for her to believe you still love her. Be grateful if she gives you that chance.
A controlling father would raise a child that would be a prime target for an abusive control freak. She was raised to associate control with love. He'll have to hurt her really badly for her to wake up and realise that it isn't.
Stop supporting her financially, but keep contact. Say you love her & will be there when she most needs it. But that you can’t overlook how he treats her.
Soo to stop her controlling boyfriend, who you say is isolating her...you further isolate her ?
Not supporting financially? I get that. But stopping contact ? When she's already alone? I think that was a horrible call on your end.
To make up for not being there for her, you're not gonna be there for her even harder. Make it make sense.
You're concerned that this guy is not a good person and may be abusive? So you disowned her and have ruined your relationship with her so in the future if she is in danger from her relationship then she has no one to turn to.
You are so wrong and potentially putting your daughters life in danger.
When my brother married his ex-wife, I knew she was going to be awful. I didn't know how bad it would get, but I knew. I asked him once if he was sure after she said something pretty terrible and then didn't ask again.
Even though she tried to chase me away for years, I clumg on with a foot in the door. She would have loved to get me to leave because abusers love to have their privacy to abuse.
I was the first person he called when she cheated, and I was there to hold him together until he had it on his own.
Wrong is one way to put it.
You removed a support person and safety net she may well need in the future if her partner is indeed abusive. You've likely also guaranteed that she will try stick with a broken relationship longer to try prove a point; likely to the detriment of her own mental and physical well being.
Most abusers need to work hard to isolate their victims from family. You handed her over on a silver platter.
Kids make mistakes, so can parents.
Reach out and fix it before you truly have a reason to regret it. And yes, that may mean accepting what you consider to be her mistake in the sort term with a view that leaving that door open may lead to saving her life down the track.
You are totally wrong. Your daughter needs extra support right now, not to be abandoned by one of the only people that really cares about her. you can't manipulate her into leaving this guy, so if you really love her you need to be there for her, not push her away
The more you pressured her, the worse it got. That was your mistake. Reach out, apologize for being so harsh and see if you can fix it. This is on you.
Cutting them off just makes it easier for him to manipulate your daughter.
I'd go low contact, but check in and make sure to let her know you are always here if she needs you
Unfortunatly people in abusive situations often can't be helped until they are ready to accept the help. With this comes another harsh reality, pushing hard can actually backfire. I believe there are parallels between abused individuals and addicts in how they behave in terms of getting help and accepting help.
I don't think you were wrong to cut her off financially, at least to the point of not supporting her and her abuser. You can absolutely say that you will not directly or indirectly financially support a man who mistreats you daughter, but when she is ready to leave him, you will be there for her.
You were 100% wrong to go no contact with her. He had already isolated her from her friends, and now you gave him an assist in isolating her from her family.
The reality is sometimes you can do everything right, be a great parent, raise a child right, and these abusive f\*cks can still get their claws into them.
The best you can do now is try to find a way to get back into her life, apologize for your mistakes, and do one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, wait on the sidelines until she's ready for your help.
I don't understand the logic of this situation. He is isolating her from her friends is one of the things that you mentioned and you cut her off and stop talking to her how does that make any sense? Cutting everything else off makes sense but you want to keep in contact and let her know that the original statement is true I will gladly be here to help you but not when he's in the picture.
Yeah… YW. you abandoned your daughter when she needs you most and you tried to manipulate her because she was getting manipulated. It seems like the reason why your daughter fell for an abuser is because that’s all she knows.
Yes, you were wrong
You obviously helped create this situation by funding her lifestyle instead of helping her to develop into an independent, self-sufficient adult. She's now relying on another man to take care of her. And he spotted the weakling from the herd a mile away. You cut your "pride & joy" out of your life so swiftly & unjustly. You could've stopped giving her money but kept the lines of communication open & relationship intact.
Now you should reach out to her, & let her know that you're sorry, & you'll always be there for her if she needs you. That she can call you for help & you'll come get her, no questions asked. That if she needs to come back home at any point, your door is always open. Remind her that you love her & that you just want the best for her. Keep sending these messages, text, email, voicemail, etc, even if she doesn't respond. One day, she might reach back out, & you need to keep that lifeline available for her.
Yeah you are wrong. We don't own our children. We are entrusted with their safety and upbringing. What they choose is simply the choice they have made for their life. Never let your babies feel that they are alone or can't come to you for help. Your role doesn't change just because you don't like her decisions. 🤷🏾♂️
« I think my daughter is being isolated by her manipulative boyfriend, so I disowned her and now she lives with him, proving to her that he is more present for her than me in a very concrete and legal way »
You watch too many movies my man you fucking disowned her ? For a crappy boyfriend in her early twenties ? What the fuck were you thinking ??
It sounds like some sick jealousy is an element here as well. Emotional incest by expecting her to “replace” her mother’s role as his wife, minus the sexual aspect (maybe? Hopefully?) and he sees this abusive boyfriend as a threat to him, to hell with the daughter. They should be best buddies, they certainly have a lot in common!!
As a domestic violence counselor for almost 20 years I can say yes, you are absolutely wrong for disowning her. Being in a controlling and abusive relationship is extremely difficult. She is 21, you can’t control her decisions. She will need support when and if she leaves this relationship. Abuse is so isolating in itself. Cutting her off isolates her even more.
So, your daughter is in an abusive relationship, one of the hallmarks of which is for the abuser to isolate the victim so that they can’t leave. And your reaction is to cut contact? Isolating her even more?
You have made a mistake.
My recommendation is to contact her immediately and apologise for cutting her off. Tell her you love you and you miss her. Tell her you made a mistake.
Also tell her that her partner is abusing her and manipulating her. You know that she will not want to hear this and you now accept this. Tell her you will be here when ever and however she wants you.
Also tell her you think that he is with her for your money and you will not support that. You are her to help her, love her, support her. But not to bank roll her or him.
In short, you need to re-establish emotional contention and support but not give them access to your money.
Cutting contact and disowning is the worse thing you could do when she’s in an abusive situation. You have done exactly what that man wants and she’s now totally isolated, no money if she wanted to run and alone. And because you disowned her, she may think you don’t want her at home.
From the looks of it you are manipulative and controlling yourself (giving an ultimatum such as this). She’s 21, telling her to do what I want or this happens is super controlling and manipulative. It’s a tactic he would be using too.
Reach out to her, apologise, say you miss her and love her so much, ask to meet up and if that’s a no video chat. And just keep in contact, don’t let him isolate her from you. Hopefully you can fix this and with time get her out.
Abusive relationships take time, you just have to show you’re still there and provide that support. The victim doesn’t fully understand its love and hopes things will change till something breaks the camels back and they realise they are in serious danger. So be patient and stop being a controlling dad.
You're wrong
Ultimatums do not work, and she is her own person who is free to make her own decisions even if they're bad decisions. The best you can do is provide her with empathy and emotional support when she needs you. It's sounds like you cut her out completely and not just financially. All you accomplished was showing her that this guy is the only person who really is there to have her back, even if he treats her poorly. His tactic worked. Because of your decision, he effectively isolated her, and you pushed her right into his grasp, and you made her more dependent on him. However, she is 21, and she should be working towards providing for herself, and that's what you should have been teaching her to do instead of throwing her to the wolves.
disowning your daughter will just isolate her...
so if you don't care if he killed her in a few years because she had no body and nowhere to go because her own father disowned her, N-T-A,
Otherwise, YTA.
What will happen the day she wants to run away from him if he is violent? she won't be able to leave because even her father will abandon her, so she may FORCE herself to stay because you will have abandoned her, so she will put herself in danger
several women are killed (or kill themselves) for this reason because THEIR OWN FAMILIES turned their backs on them when they needed them most
Cutting her off financially was a good move. Keep communicating with her and just listen. Don’t offer solutions until she asks.
Make sure she knows you’re there for her.
She will need you more than ever if she finally gets the courage to leave an abusive relationship. You were wrong to cut off contact. You have actually helped the boyfriend isolate her from her support system. Contact her, tell her that you love her and will be there (non-judgmentally) if she ever needs you. And delete the words “I told you so” from your vocabulary.
Yes, you were wrong. You voiced your concerns about her bf, but as an adult, she can make her own decisions. Cutting off financial support I can understand, but disowning her was stupid beyond belief. You should have left the lines of communication open so that she knew she could turn to you if the relationship went sour. Well apparently the relationship is turning abusive but she's afraid to reach out to you for help. Is that what you wanted?
I would not have cut her off completely. I think you messed up big time there
I would have told her I love her dearly, but it's breaking my heart to watch her being treated the way he treats her. That you can not continue to give her money that she will be spending on both of them
**I Would try to get the following message to her**
*Dear "susie" I miss you so much and would love to see you. If you every feels in danger, sad, wants to talk or come home, call you immediately and I'll come get you.. I will always be here for you and want what is best for you and do worry about you a lot. I miss and love you very much. I'd love to meet you for lunch someday, I can come to a place near your work if that is better for you. Just the two of us, so we can catch up. Please call or text me Love, Dad or Daddy (whatever she calls you)*
**Sadly,** when someone is that controlling and manipulative they will cut the other person off from family and friends - it's the only way they can control them
He will probably see your message and if she agrees to lunch, you can 99% guarantee he will be there with her because he will be afraid you will talk her into leaving him. If she/they show up for lunch, try to stay calm, ask how life is, are you working and if so what are you doing - just general life questions. If you see any bruises on her, do not ask about them in front of him!! If she is alone, ask her when you are heading out to drop her off - otherwise she will bolt. Let her know you love and miss her and would love to have lunch or dinner whenever she can. If she wants to come to the house, you can cook a meal together - keep it light - don't pressure her into coming home, especially if he is there, if he's not then suggest she comes for a meal that you can cook together - he most likely will be with her if she agrees
**In what way is he treating her poorly** - if he is hitting her then friends need to call and report the abuse to police who will have to make a wellness check if abuse is reported
Wishing you the best and the best for your daughter, I hope you can patch things up and get her away from this guy
Cutting her off could make her feel abandoned. She might want to get out of the relationship, but feels she can’t come to you anymore. She’s still learning about the world at 21yo, sounds like she’s learnt that she doesn’t have you for support.
The bf is isolating her from everyone, you don't like him for it, and what is your big solution?
Isolate your daughter even more.
You could have cut her off financially but still have contact, to let her know she is always welcome back.
Info: why wasn’t cutting her off financially enough, why did you have to cut contact too?
Honestly,?at her age, an ultimatum about a romantic partner from a parent will never work. The best you can do is bite your tongue, keep a good relationship, and be there to support them when they learn the lessons that we all have to learn as we mature.
Ultimatums rarely work in the way we want them to. But it's done now. She has to learn her own mistakes (unfortunately, as much as we want to wrap them up and keep them safe, at 21 she HAS to make her own experiences of life... it sucks for parents to sit back and watch this, when we have our own past experiences and know how it's going to play out). I'm not going to say you were wrong per se, because I get where you're coming from and it is a place of love and concern for her.
The only real option you have now is to offer the olive branch and reach out to her with moral support (don't go back to financially enabling her), so that when, not if, things get bad for her, she has a safe place to escape to.
Manipulators rely on the victim not having anywhere to go or anyone advocating in their corner. Show her you are there for her, regardless, but without enabling the situation further.
I hope she does what's best for her. Good luck.
Well, giving ultimatums never works, and all you've done is pushed her more towards him.
Get back in contact with her and apologise.
Say that you are there for her, but you are worried about her.
See her when he isn't there, or call when she is free to speak or text.
Keep telling her that you have her back, and you're always there if she needs you.
Look up some info on support groups or websites that might help her, and pass it on to her.
She needs someone to run to when this all breaks down, so keep the door open.
Good luck 🤞
One of my kiddos was in a similar situation a few years ago. She was only 17, so still very much dependent on us financially. The harder we pushed for her to break it off with the POS, the harder she clung. She was causing chaos in our home, in part because of this relationship. But we never put her out or cut her off because we knew he was trying to isolate and didn’t want him to succeed. He was physically and emotionally abusive. It was a HARD 2 years.
We stuck it out, and she finally broke up with him for good. She’s doing well now and is with another young man, in a healthy relationship.
Had we cut her off, I have zero doubt that she would have died either by his hands or her own. As it was, she did almost die from suicide.
Please reach back out and re-establish contact and a relationship. She needs to know you’re a safe person to return to if she decides to leave him. You don’t want him to be the one she has to keep relying on because you’re not there anymore. It could literally save her life.
Be well.
You’ve just allowed him to have even more control over her and isolate here further. In these situations you need to be stubborn as mud and not budge. I can understand cutting the financial aspect but you shouldn’t have stopped contact. You need to reach out and apologise for that part while also not providing any monetary support.
Ah yeah, being controlling and manipulative is BOUND to make her see that a controlling and manipulative man is bad for her. Sound logic there.
Yes you're wrong. And you're as bad for her as the man in her life. You either love her unconditionally or you don't.
If she needs help, do you think it will be you that she comes to for help now? Nope, no absolutely not.
Fix this or lose her forever. Also, look hard in the mirror. You're currently an awful parent.
YA absolutely W. You should ALWAYS, ALWAYS be there for your daughter, ALWAYS.
There's such a thing as disengaging from someone who is toxic themselves, or from someone in your daughter's situation after said situation affects your own mental health, but this reads like you disowned her for disobedience, which will ONLY serve to push her closer to her abuser.
You went too far. And in doing so, you did exactly what the man wanted you to do. He wanted to cut her off from family and you complied.
Thank almighty God I didn’t get a father like you.
Is all the bad things you know hearsay or first hand accounts because apparently you were wrong about him being with her for money if they stayed together after you cut her off. Also don't really get why your answer to her being isolated was to isolate her.
So your daughter is in an abusive relationship and you decided it was a good move to deepen her isolation and emotional/financial hardship. This effectively increased her dependency on the abusive boyfriend and completely eliminated any influence or contact you have with her.
You are an idiot. You cannot control a 21 year old who chooses a bad relationship this way.
100% wrong. Could not be more wrong.
Please leave the lines of communication with your daughter open. She is going to need a safe place to land when she comes to terms with what he really is. You don’t need to support her financially, but she will be trapped in that situation far longer than necessary if she doesn’t feel as though she can come to you when this all blows up.
The question is this. Why is cutting her off financially and cutting her off emotionally the same thing in your mind? Why couldn't you cut her off financially, which at 21 isn't a horrible thing to do, but still be present in her life?
If your daughter is in an abusive relationship, she doesn't have a place she feels safe to go to. You're not it.
I think yes you were. I understand how hard it is to watch her go through this but she was never going to be swayed by an ultimatum. The best thing you could have done for your daughter was to make sure that she knew you were there for her. Maintaining contact is absolutely crucial because men like this will isolate their partners and as far as she knows right now, you are not someone she can turn to. It’s not too late to fix this. The last thing you want is for her to cling to this relationship because she believes she has no way out.
You're wrong, dumbass. Great, to see that you her conditional. You never really cared for her. Instead of being there for her, you leave. Worst father ever.
I think you need to get in touch with her (bearing in mind he’ll be monitoring her phone, Facebook and most of her communication) to let her know that you stand by the fact that he is no good for her, but you shouldn’t have cut her off and you’re always be there for her if never she needs you. Baby steps to get back into her life.
You are so wrong
Her boyfriend is manipulative, controlling, abusive and isolates her.
Your response is to quickly decide to disown her. You have given her no choice but to stay with him.
The only person that she ever had her whole life threw her away at the first opportunity.
You threatened to cut her off financially but lied and went nuclear: Full No Contact, driving her farther into the abusive relationship because that is she only thing that she has left.
You have shown your daughter that if you are not going to be the one controlling and manipulating her then you have no use for her.
It certainly seems like you never loved her. No wonder she went for this jerk. She went for what she knows and found a guy who values her as little as her father does.
I strongly dislike my sister’s husband but keep a good relationship with my sister so that when she’s ready to leave in the future, she knows she can trust me as a resource. It’s okay not to want to give your money to your daughter anymore but it was wrong to cut off the relationship. Abusers want their victims to be isolated and your daughter’s abuser has succeeded in removing you as a support for your daughter. Call her and tell her you’d like to reconnect and just decline to give money.
Hey man, I get it. I love my daughters in a way that is vastly different than the way I love my son. To be blunt though... You fucked up. I don't mean that to be insulting, just blunt. Cutting her off while she was essentially trapped in an abusive relationship was a HUGE mistake. Please please please, reestablish contact, let her know you love her and your home is a safe place for her whenever she decides to leave, and always answer her phone calls in the meantime.
I appreciate cutting off financial support, she is an adult and you don’t want to be paying to support her and her boyfriend, but why did you cutoff communication? That makes no sense. You need to reach out and apologize for that element of your reaction, see if she is okay, and build back your relationship, without throwing money at it, that part doesn’t need to be undone, but you need to fix the relationship.
Holy smokes. You really went scorched earth. Cutting her off financially is one thing but disowning her?
Damn dude. Your daughter is making a shitty choice but she's an adult and allowed to make shitty choices.
Know what the #1 tool for an abuser is? Isolation. They isolate with victims so the victim has no one to rely on but their abuser. It makes life with the abuser seem normal because there's no one in the victim's life to tell them it isn't normal. Best part of Isolation for the abuser is it gives them complete control. The victim can't leave, where are they going to go? They don't have friends, their parents don't want them, the abuser is the only person who is willing to put up with the victims. If the victim leaves, they'll be all alone and they won't make it on their own.
Seriously dude, you've just handed your daughter's boyfriend everything he needs to abuse her.
You could have just cut her off financially but kept your relationship with her.
You are wrong. Regardless of your reasons, you're wrong. She is 21 and old enough to make that decision for herself. All you can do is love n support her n BE HER ROCK while she goes through this life lesson. It's one she HAS to learn, you can't protect her from it.
My own fathered disowned my oldest sister when she was 19 bc she dated a guy he didn't like. It was painful to watch her go thru that bc she was a "daddy's girl".
He disowned me twice. 1st, when I got pregnant at 17 (he was "so ashamed" of me). He came back around when he talked it out with a friend n realized I was handling the situation well. N 2) When I left my husband to be with another man. 8 years later, I've seen my dad about 4xs, n have spoken to him...maybe....6xs? He wants to reconnect again, but I'm no longer a young woman desperate for her father's love n approval. He chose to support my ex-husband n act like I didn't exist.
I was old enough n mature enough to realize the second time, that I deserve unconditional love from my dad, regardless of what choices I made for myself.
You GOT to let her be an adult n love her through ALL of her highs n lows.
Yes you were wrong. You cut off her only outside support. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. Then, be ready to catch her when she finally leaves this guy and will be falling apart.
You are a horrible father.
Horrible.
I could never do that to my daughter. You just guaranteed her abuse much longer than she would if she had someone to fall back to. Her dad.
I don’t say this often, but as a father, you are a piece of shit human.
Your daughter was in a potentially abusive relationship and you completely abandoned her and cut off emotional/financial support so now she is stuck there??? Wtf man
Not wrong. She's an adult who shouldn't have been relying on you for money in the first place. Plus, it was all going to him. Tough love is needed sometimes.
One of the main reasons why women stay in or go back to abusive relationships is because they have no one else to go. No finances to fall back on because the abuser took hold of that, no friends or family because the abuse took care of that.
All cutting her off and disowning her has done is made it harder for her to leave when the time comes. Reach out and let her know you're there for her. If she does decide to leave at least she'll know she can turn to you instead of staying and being abused.
Yes you are.
If this relationship is abusive in anyway, you’ve cut off her safe place to run when she finds the strength to do so.
You’ve reacted with your heart and not your head. My dad did the same thing and when I finally found the strength to leave, I still didn’t go back to my
Dad (although admittedly he wasn’t a good person either) but I stayed with my ex for far longer than I should’ve because I’d been cut off from my friends and my own dad cut me off. So I had nowhere to turn. So instead of it lasting a year or two, I was stuck for SEVEN YEARS.
Reach out. Tell her it’s none of your damn business but you love her and you want to stay in contact. You want to be her dad, not her gatekeeper. Tolerate him. FOR HER.
You’re definitely in the wrong. You cannot control who your children date. If it’s someone you don’t agree with, you can voice your opinion, if you must. It will never change anything. Did you really care if your parents liked your partners? You as a loving parent were supposed to make her aware that you’ll be there for her when this relationship falls apart. Instead you alienated her from yourself thus pushing her towards him. Now that things are bad, she probably feels she has to stay and put up with it or she will have nowhere and nobody to run to.
Nta, for removing financial support, but yta for cutting off all contact. You left her alone with only an abuser as her source of love and family in this world. Now she will feel trapped in said relationship as she'll have probably begun to depend on him emotionally and if she wanted to leave she'll have nowhere to go in her mind making her feel she'll have to stay with him for safety as most abusers become extremely aggressive when their victims try to leave and climb out from under their thumb. You have him everything he wanted by cutting off contact as abuser isolate their victims for this reason. I just hope the @sshole doesn't unalive your daughter. You let her alone both physically and emotionally and extremely vulnerable to that pos and with no suport or way out.
Yes, you are wrong.
There's a difference between not supporting someone financially and cutting off all contact. So your young daughter was in a shitty relationship that she couldn't yet see the red flags in, and instead of being there for her when she needed you most, you cut her off.
Kids, even adult kids, need to be able to make their own mistakes. I understand why you wouldn't want to be financially supportive to her, and in turn him, but you pushed her further into his arms and probably created a situation where she may be too ashamed or too prideful to admit she was wrong and ask for your help.
You should reach out to her. You can love someone and support someone without agreeing with the decisions they make.
Partially wrong. Cutting off the money was a good idea. Cutting off contact was not. Having support can be the only thing that gives an abused woman the strength to get away. Abusers trap women in relationships. They are manipulative, love-bomb their targets, can act sweet and caring, apologise profusely for their actions, and know how to represent even their bad behaviour as something loving and a sign of care. So everyone else will see that behaviour from outside, but their target is too close to see it until she is trapped with no way to go (if she has no support, she is pregnant, etc.). Then he will show his true colours. He will stop apologising for hurting her or doing bad things, instead of manipulating her to do things he will order her.
By cutting her off you have accelerated his timetable. She is trapped now, with no means to get away. So, he'll stop being nice and start being himself much sooner.
I don't think you are to blame for her ending up in such a relationship because you were absent. Women of all backgrounds end up in such relationships. I think you might be a bit to blame for her inability to recognise his controlling behaviour. It sounds like you gave her orders and ultimatums a lot. As a parent, you are supposed to do that with your child early on, but you should tone it down when they are old enough to have opinions. You might have inadvertently raised to believe that someone who tells her what to do loves her.
Try to get in contact with her again, without asking her to do things and even less giving her orders.
YTA.
You should have stood by your daughter and had an eye on the situation. Now you threw away your kid and your future relationship will be forever affected by this AH decision.
I'd call her and ask for forgiveness- the faster the better! The longer you put it off the more permanently your relationship will be damaged.
If she's grown up she should be financially responsible. I wouldn't support her boyfriend either.
Good luck.
I say this as a mom of 2, don't ever cut your kids off. Let them know not happy about their decisions, but don't cut them off completely. You're going to be sorry not ever knowing your grandchild no matter how they came to be. We didn't like my grandkids father for a few reasons, but we never cut her out bc we love her and knew eventually she'd figure it out and she did. We have our grandchildren in our lives and grandchildren are the best things ever!!! I couldn't imagine my life without them. Their father finally straightened up and ended up getting sick and unfortunately died. No matter what he's done, he was their father and they loved him and he loved them.
You just pushed her over to her abuser and cut off the only support system that could help her get out. Of course you’re wrong. You’re no better than the boyfriend, actually you’re worse because you’re her dad. The one who’s supposed to love her unconditionally
Yup. Justified. Maybe try to leave a channel open for communication. And state that there is a way back.
Tbh, I‘d do the same if my kids turn out to be dumb fucks… like getting religious or other stupid things.
Very common response in this situation - tough love - thinking you will facilitate her seeing the truth.
What generally happens, though, is the abused partner becomes MORE isolated and dependent on the abusive partner.
Abusive partner can now paint you as the bad actor - “Your family abandoned you - but I am here.”
Daughter experiences painful rejection from person who is supposed to be there for her - even if that is not your intention.
Is there a middle ground? A way to keep the relationship? That doesn’t mean you enable her, but you keep communication and emotional support open.
Good luck.
YNW for cutting her off financially, but YAW for disowning her. I think your best bet would be to talk to her. Let her know you love her & that if she ever needs a way out, you'll be there(not helping them financially, but if she wants to leave him). That you will be her safe place. She needs someone. Maybe one day she'll wake up, but honestly, disowning her would push her to stay with him, especially since he's cut her off from her friends.
Yeah YTA. You don’t cut off contact when people are in abusive relationships if you want to help them, you are there for them. Parents shouldn’t cut off their kids except for the most extreme of circumstances, and this isn’t it.
She should be cut off anyways. 21 is an adult and adults should make their own way in the world. I’d keep the communication lines open, but don’t give her any money ever again. Hardship builds character. It sucks that her boyfriend treats her poorly and you should let her know that you’re there for her, but you shouldn’t support her financially.
People who are being abused need unconditional love and support from people hoping they come out of it. You abandoned her when she needed you most. Even when they break up your betrayal is still there.
Yes, yes you are so very wrong!
Our job as parents are to love, guide, care for and Protect our children,
Not just when they do what we want but always,
You failed your daughter, instead of guiding her and protecting her, you cut off support and forced her right into his home, not only that, but if he's as controlling as you say, (which sounds like she is used to controlling men, she learned it from you,)
But I'm sure he's saying something along the lines of, "see no one wants you not even your Dad,"
Only you can fix this,
Contact her, apologize, do not threaten, do not speak at all about her boyfriend, actually sounds like you don't personally know him,
I speak from experience, my mother disowned me, why you ask?
The list is long, rediculous and all comes down to I stopped letting her control me, I'm now in my 50s, she a very angry lonely woman.
You need to go apologize right now, face to face, before your worse fears become reality. Like someone else in the comments pointed out, she’s not even more isolated and in his control. If you have a bad gut feeling about this guy you need to wholeheartedly apologize and get your daughter back into your life and house so you can protect her from him. You have to guide her into seeing he’s bad for her, you can’t just tell her that or she’ll want him even more.
She has to see it for herself
"He's alienating her from her friends, family, loved ones, so naturally I cut her off to show my disapproval"
Cool, so now she's less likely to leave him. That's not how you deprogram abuse victims, dad of the year. Might you have consulted literally any literature or experts or anything beyond your own ego? How is she going to feel comfortable coming to you for help leaving him if you've shut the door? Or does that not matter anymore?
Not wrong cutting her off money wise she's going to need your help emotionally mybe call and talk to her if she needs a place to go with out her boyfriend
Mybe try working in the background trying to help her see how bad he is
Just don't get caught. Good luck. I hope she wakes up toxic relationships
Let's be honest here. You are lying to yourself when you say you love your daughter. Real love isn't transactional.
You decided if she didn't do what you wanted her to do she wasn't your daughter. That is a transaction.
When you love someone you respect their antonomy. Even if they have to learn lessons the hard way. You didn't respect her antonomy and withdrew your "love", support as her only parent, and all contact. Because she didn't respect your authority? That is not love, that is control.
It's no wonder she is confusing control for love. She hasn't been properly loved since her mother died. How very sad for her. He life is a tragedy and you are one of the primary antagonists.
Anyway, your neglect as a parent is why she so easily fell into an abusive relationship. Your withdrawal when she didn't obey further isolated her. Now she is completely under the control of her abuser and you cannot help her, because you burned that bridge.
The only thing to be done now is pray he doesn't unalive her before she has the strength to leave him.
cutting het off financially is understandable. could you reach out and meet with just her for coffee? let her know you love her, you want to be sure her partner treats her well and with respect. maybe offer to pay for therapy for her and let her know she alone can always come home to you. you are worried because you heard her partner is not treating her well.
so you drove her further into his arms and cut off a potential escape route for when she realized her situation in the future and wanted to get out. knowing she has no support network to fall back on will make her stick around that much longer
You can cut her off financially without cutting off contact. Your daughter needs to know that you love her and you are there for her. Especially when she is going through something like that. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it happens. But it’s not too late to make it right. You are doing the right thing by cutting her off financially. Tough love is good sometimes. But she still needs her daddy. And don’t take it to heart that she chooses him over you. It’s natural when you are that young to think that you’re in love, and want to fight for that love no matter the cost. She will come around eventually. But in the meantime, she needs support. Controlling and abusive relationships are hard. It’s very easy for a young girl to become manipulated or brainwashed.
Someday, probably, your daughter will recognize the situation she is in. And she won't be able to contact you for help & support, because you cut her off. For that, you are very wrong.
As a father it is your responsibility to let her know if her BF is an idiot. But you took it WAY to far.
YTA,
My mom did this to me after being in serval abusive relationships herself. We began speaking after my relationship ended. Over 20 year’s later I don’t fully trust her and never will. She was my only parent and she abandoned me when she herself knew what I was potentially going through. Tough love is not love it’s abuse in another form.
Edit: missing words, grammar
Is there a world when you can cut our financially… and still be in our life? maybe you could talk with her and say I don’t want to contribute financially anymore, but I would love for you to be a part of my life. If you really feel he’s staying with her for the money don’t give into the financial part. Just make sure she has somebody to turn to when and if she’s ready to leave him.
Not only are you wrong you are fucking stupid.
How the hell did you think this was going to go?? You were going to MAKE her break up with him?
People in general arent going to react well to someone trying to control them in such an absolute way. But 21 year old girls? Forget about it. Shes just trying her hardest to be independent so you go and tell her you make her dating decisions for her now. and she probably thinks shes growing old with this prick because she is young and naive. 21 is technically an adult but it is not old enough to make smart decisions romantically for the vast majority of people.
How the hell did you not see this coming?
I wouldnt say you are an awful parent, but you are extremely dumb socially or just dumb in general and it’s not helping you parenting wise.
She’ll leave the jerk eventually. It won’t be any time soon though. I would keep an eye just in case you have to rough up the boyfriend but she’ll see past him eventually when she’s tired of being tired.
I think you're wrong. She's going to need you. Reach out maybe and let her know even though you won't support financially but you will emotionally. It's a tough situation though.
We have 4 daughters. I want to always be their safe place when they make bad decisions, and mistakes. They are having financial difficulties - Come Home, They end up in an abusive relationship even when i didn’t like the person - Come Home, you say “I don’t agree with you being with him, and yes he is abusive, but if and when you get courage to leave, I will always have your back”.
Things like this is what unconditional love is. Not I’ll only be here if I agree with everything you do. Our love and support for our children shouldn’t be conditional.
If they are into drugs, you don’t have to give them money, but you offer rehab, or food. You can still support while not enabling.
Yes, you are wrong. You should love her unconditionally and be there for her when/if they break up. My daughter was engaged to a guy that I knew was not good for her. I told her what I thought, but also that I trusted her and would be there for her. She eventually saw the light and broke up with him. By you cutting her off is a sure fire way for her to stay with him. What you did was controlling and manipulative. My father did the same thing to me and I now have no contact with him and have been married to the guy my didn’t like for almost 30 years.
Basically in these situatons the most you can do is let them know your concerns and make sure they know you’re a safe place to turn to when they realize they’re in a bad situation. Cutting off financial support is one thing, she’s 21 after all so it makes sense to do that anyway, but cutting off contact to her and telling her you’ve disowned her just makes her feel even more locked to that guy because now she truly feels there’s nowhere left to turn.
Please don't disown your daughter. HUGE mistake. My Dad basically disowned me. Ok, now looking back he totally did just that. The only contact I had with him is when I called him. It hurts deeply and forever. I should have took his advice and left the boy but I didn't. I was only 18. He boy was physically abusive and a drunk. He never showed that side until after we married. I had no one to turn to after 5 yrs I finally left the boy. 2 kids later. It was hard being alone and with 2 kids under 4 yrs old. I wish my Dad was alive now. Anyway, I won't go deeper. But, please keep in contact with your daughter and let her know you will always be there for her. It sounds like she will need you sooner then later. Good luck, I hope it works out for you both. 🫶
I would suggest talking to her and let her know that you're there for her if she ever needs to leave him. You don't want your dislike for the guy especially if he's abusive to be a nail in the coffin that forces her to stay with him.
Give her an out, leave it up to her to take it or not.
you were wrong. not abt the financial part but u are her parent for LIFE ur supposed to be there for when she has the strength to leave a shitty situation. instead u abandoned her and made it so she had even less of a chance to reach out to anybody if she decided it was time. imagine shes being abused, leaving is the most dangerous time for ppl in those situations, and without her PARENT too… you shouldve kept the distance without an outright disownment.
What indicates he only wants your money? Bc my wife’s family said the same thing. I don’t know their situation/ bank account balance. They cut her out of their lifes as well. You don’t want to know the amount of times I’ve had to console her bc they said/did something the few times they tried to come back into her life. I have a few personal issues with them and I’m not going to let them go bc it can’t be fixed.
Won’t say your wrong but you’re not right either.
I can appreciate how hard this must have been for you. I have three kids myself, 36F, 25M and 23M.
IMO … Disowning was a bit extreme. Kids need to learn some things on their own. The last thing she needed was to have you remove yourself from her life. When it comes to children, they need unconditional love. I can totally understand not financially supporting her but as it is now, will she feel safe coming to you if/when things go bad?
Difference between “disowning” your daughter and financially cutting off an adult who can make her own decisions. I totally agree the latter was warranted here but not the former.
Why did you go no contact?
Cutting her off financially doesn't mean you guys aren't eating dinners together..
Unless your entire relationship with her were financial...?
Unfortunately breaking the trust that she could come to you when she is able to leave is something that is difficult to come back from when the man she is with is weaving an emotional web of lie and abuse to keep her in his clutches.
He will sow seeds in her head that you will never accept her back if tries to leaves. You disowning her will make that easy to believe, but it isn’t impossible to try and re open the lines of communication to her. To consistently remind her that you want a relationship with her and if that isn’t possible right now then you will be there to support her if she ever decides to leave. r/abusiverelationships is a place where you can go for advice on how to reopen the lines of communication with your daughter. You don’t have to financially support her (and in turn her abuser), but they can give you advice on the best way to communicate and offer emotional support while in this relationship.
No matter what anyone says, but I'm with op on this!! Imagine showring someone with so much love provide everything they need but they leave you for someone they just met, he might have been hurt at that moment💔
Wrong as fuck. Her mom is already gone, so you thought depriving her of the one parent she had left was the solution. Can't tell you how to solve the problem other than continue to be supportive, maybe limit what you give her but to disown her is not the answer.
You say he’s isolating her from everybody. And now you are isolating yourself from her. Cutting her off was a bad idea, but going low contact would have been better.
Okay just so we’re clear- your daughter is in an abusive relationship. That’s how it starts, the alienate them from their family and friends, break them down so they think they can’t do any better, that no one else will love them. Many women get stuck in abusive relationships and can’t get out because of financial issues. The abuser tries to make sure that they are financially dependent on them so they can’t leave. People do not understand how hard it is to break that cycle and “just leave”.
So your solution was to further alienate her and cut off, not even the financial support, but the emotional support? You should feel guilty. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. And again, not about the financial part. The emotional part. She needs someone in her corner reminding her that she deserves better, that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. She needs someone to make her feel safe when she finally is ready to leave. Abusive partners escalate, and many victims don’t make it out and end up dead.
I beg you- research domestic violence and abusive relationships. Apologize to her and make sure she knows that you regret pushing her away. I can understand if you don’t want to finance this man. But she needs you now more than ever.
I do get where you were coming from. You’re not a bad father, this isn’t your fault. The only person to blame is the abuser. Just continue to be there for her.
I hope that she finds the strength to leave this man, especially before it escalates to anything physical. Once she does, help her get into therapy.
Much love to you and your daughter.
Yes, you are wrong for disowning your daughter and cutting all contact with her. She is being abused, you know she is being abused, and you essentially told her that you were no longer available to help her should she ever gain the strength to leave her abuser.
I agree with not financially supporting her and her abuser!
Reach out to her and tell her that you heard through the grapevine that he is still abusing her, and that she always has a home with you if she decides she needs it.
Please reach out to her and tell her that you are there for her whenever she is ready!!!!! It must have been difficult raising a child without a mother and I sympathize! You need each other! And let us know the outcome! I, for one, would love to know! I reallly wish the the very best!!!!!!!
He doesn't sound like a great person but of course she chose him. You told her that you'd cut her out of her life if she did something you didn't like. And that was after a lifetime of what sounds like some neglect. She's gonna pick the guy who pays attention to her
YOU NEED TO AT VERY LEAST TALK TO HER AND SPEND TIME WITH HER. Dude, you Don't have to give her money or stuff. But,BE THERE. DON'T EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS. YOU WILL REGRET IT.
u/Proof-Proposal-9923 I cant say you are right or wrong here but I'm of two minds on this.
On the one hand, she is your daughter, and she is with someone who mistreats her, which makes it hard to watch or hear about. You feel like he is beneath her and want better for her but she is too stubborn or stupid to realize that you are correct and because he is essentially abusive and can't really provide for her you thought it was a good idea to try cutting her off to make her see the light.
On the other hand, cutting her off could and most likely will make her stick to him even more because she has no one else in her corner, and you lose visibility if she REALLY needs help. There is also the strong possibility that even if she does realize she is wrong, she won't come to you out of sheer unwillingness to admit you were correct.
Personally, I don't believe this is going to work, and all you will accomplish is to isolate her. I get it, I'm in the same spot. This is our burden to bear. We love our kids even when we are pissed at them. You don't have to support your daughter financially to be a safe harbor for her if she needs you.
Not wrong, not entirely. Just like if she had decided to invest in a business that's destined to fail, you have to let her make her own mistakes but are not required to invest in that mistake.
I'd say just to let her know that you're there for her but will not be investing in her relationship, and make it clear why you feel that way and what you see. Just letting her know she has a place to run to when she finally realizes she has to run will keep her from feeling trapped in a destructive relationship.
Until then, just let her be on her own and check in now and then to remind her she has a safety net and that you care.
Unfortunately your daughter is an adult and has to learn these things on her own. She doesn’t have one of her parents, you should be present in her life without letting her depend on you for finances.
That’s tough man.
What can you do when you try your best and your kid turns out to be a loser anyways?
I’ve noticed that you can be a great parent but sometimes kids are literally just not intelligent enough. They make terrible life decisions over and over again.
My advice is to try and find someone new to spend your time. Maybe you fall in love and start another family.
Until your daughter finds her spine and leaves the loser, not much you can do.
Better to re-open communication with her. No money needs to be involved with that. Meet her at a cafe or restaurant first to assess how interested she is in getting back.
I would be interested to know how she is paying for her cell phone coverage. If he does he probably can read her texts. If she does he can still force the issue about reading her texts. That is how a controlling person would handle that.
I have a question on whether he is mean or vindictive or both. Not much to go on here in that respect. Also what kind of money were you.giving her and for what purpose?
Give her a burner phone. Something she can use but doesn't cost a lot to replace. And something she can hide if she needs to.
Sounds like you were a very controlling father too with not much real love for her. To be able to cut contact like that is despicable. Cutting her off financially is fine since she’s 21 years old. She can make her own decisions, but unfortunately she’s been raised to think being treated that way is fine. That’s why fathers, especially for daughters, are so important.
You aren’t wrong for no longer providing financially, but you are wrong for cutting off contact. In general, people in abusive relationships aren’t capable of accepting help until they want help. Wants can’t be forced. Now, she doesn’t have you to turn to when she does want help.
Cutting off contact was a horrible idea, if you’re implying he is/has a tendency to be abusive. What is she supposed to do when she realizes things are bad? She can’t go to you for help because you abandoned her. She will feel trapped. I hope she is okay.
YTA for cutting her off- not financially, but emotionally. You see that she is with someone controlling and abusive, alienating her from her friends and you just put the ball even more in his court and allowed him to alienate her from her family. Sometimes as a parent, we have to allow our kids to learn the hard way, and be there for them when they fail; not try to force them to see what we see. You attempted to get her to leave her controlling boyfriend by attempting to control her- she learned to accept that behavior from YOU. You set the precedent and taught her this was ok.
We had the same situation with our eldest daughter when she was 19, mind you we made the mistake of listening to others accuse him of mistreatment and using her for our money. He looked like a skid - long hair, immature though 7 years older, no career or ambition, partying every weekend…your stereotypical redneck hillbilly. We cut her off financially (they were living in a new condo from us) and told her that we loved her, and she would always be welcome back home with no questions asked if she needed to. We would be there for her but could not accept who she was with in our home. She of course, being her mother’s daughter, said it’s both or neither, so my husband (who is not her biological dad but has raised her since she was 3yrs old and she’s always called him dad) cut off all contact too. He never forbade me from speaking to her, but absolutely no money was to be sent. It sounds like he was being a dick, but he was a huge softy…he would actually cry about missing her and push me to call and check on her all the time, and would give her siblings money to send to her “from them” so it wouldn’t look like he was backing down. Guess who else is stubborn af?
Finally, he told me to fly out and check on her. What I saw amazed me, and were we ever wrong for listening to other people. They had moved to the west coast and have been solid for over 7 years. He’s in a skilled trade that he continues to upgrade and actually makes $20 more an hour than my husband, who pulls an $85k annual salary. He’s stood by her through untreated mental illness (BPD, depressive bipolar), drug abuse and most recently, Stage Two Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Whether I was there to take her to chemo or not, he was taking a sick day to be with her every single session. He loves her, is loyal and takes care of her, which says a lot because she’s a very stubborn girl and can be very difficult at times. Now she’s being treated for her mental health, doesn’t use any drugs, and was pronounced cancer-free last month. He makes her happy, and I realized that’s all I care about, and all I want for any of my children as a mother. My husband bought her a car and drove the 1200km to give it to her and see for himself. We’ve all reconciled, and have grown much closer over the past 4 years. We met his parents, and love them to death. At Christmas we found out that he’s from a very land-wealthy family who own a huge chunk of farmland (8 sections, which is 5,120 acres) because he had just inherited 1 section. Honestly we felt so embarrassed and bad about judging him without bothering to get to know him. We felt like we were in a bad Dhar Mann episode lol. Anyway he’s looking to buy a house and propose (he was going to propose on her 25th birthday but she was diagnosed 2 weeks before, so he’s waiting until she’s stronger) and we can’t be more excited about it.
Be there for your daughter. You don’t need to give her money to show you love her and will be there for her if things go south with this guy. She needs to know she has a safe place to run to. Call her and tell her that, because life is too short, and if you feel this bad now, imagine how you’d feel if something happened to her because she couldn’t turn to you.
Good luck 🩵
I personally left open channels when I noticed my daughters partner was toxic and abusive I always let her know although I didn't approve of the relationship that I would always be available if things got bad or if she needed to just talk cry vent or meet up
I didn't trust him, and yes, go by your instincts and experience as parents. we see more than they do and have experience.
Maybe reach out to see how she is doing try to communicate with her again
Apologise for being tough you were just concerned about whether he was treating someone you love properly and just wanted to protect her because of love, also pulling the finances back was a test to see if he would still date her or stick around. I hope you can reconnect, and I hope she hasn't gotten herself into an awful relationship if he is controlling and verbally abusive he has no respect or real care for her so he will become controlling and isolate her blocking her from any support or safety then his aggressive side will come out so I do hope you can get back into her life so that you can check on her relationship behaviour 😉 all the best 👍
Reach out to her. I wouldn't provide financial aid, but tell her she is always your daughter and you will alwats love her.
Her boyfriend will definitely try to sway her to remain NC. Avoid any discussion of him as much as possible. Nobody ever listens to their parents when they disapprove of a partner. You'll only alienate her further if you harp on leaving him.
Let her know SHE always has a home with you.
You're wrong. Hear me out:
I was in your daughter's shoes at that age.
My dad sucks at communication, but there were multiple times where he told me that he ALWAYS had an open door for me. To this day my dad is my safe place. I know that no matter what, he will make room for me.
Now that I'm your age I completely understand both sides, but ultimately as parents we can't control our kids. All we can do is give them the tools to make the best choices they can, and be there for them when they fall.
I think you should tell her that if/when she wants to leave, that you will fully support her. All you've done at this point is make it harder for her to leave.
You are wrong and a disgusting excuse for a parent. This is exactly what the boyfriend wants. Now she has no one to turn to. She’s probably being emotionally abused, hopefully physical abuse isn’t next. He has her just the way he wants.
This sickens me. I would never disown my kids like this. They know they will always have a safe place to go.
The best parenting advice I ever heard is that you don’t drive the car but you try and keep them from going off the road. Cut off financial support, that’s reasonable. But to disown her?? That seems a very drastic response to what found very well be a temporary situation. Our kids know they can always count on us if they need us. I can’t imagine anything my kids could do to make me disown them. I’ve got a friend whose son is in prison for murder. As she says, yes he did it. Yes he’s paying g the price. But he’s still her son. She still visits him and takes his daughter to visit. I think you’ll regret this decision.
Please reach out to her immediately. Tell her you love her and she can move home. You’ll come get her. No judgement and no questions.
Please don’t leave her with this man. If he was only interested in your money, my mind is going to a very bad place about another way he can get money out of her.
Yes you are wrong. You've set up a situation where she likely feels unable to come to you if she has doubts and might need help to escape. You've taken action that entrenches their unhealthy bond and gives him even more control. All because you acted on your emotions rather than pausing and thinking through the consequences of various options.
Did you not learn, when she was a toddler, never issue ultimatums where the cost is too high and you wouldn't really want to follow thru? Regardless, she is not a toddler and I didn't have to. You could have said: sorry, that approach was wrong, I'm just really worried, here's what I will do instead.
That may have been reducing financial support until the relationship ends. Helping her have a secret bank account where most of the money goes til she needs it to escape. Holding onto it for her for the same. Letting her know she will have your immediate and unwavering support to leave when she's ready. Keeping the communication open so she can tell you if it escalates. Helping her learn about other ways to stay safe.
It is not too late tho. Can you talk to some other parents and seek advice, those with good relationships with their kids despite tough times? Start the savings account, take her to lunch, explain it and show her the balance? Take her a load of groceries and do the same while having her help unload them? Anything other than this. Apologize, and reinstate your support.
I fear that cutting contact will make her cling to him even more, making her feel that she has no one, especially since she is being isolated from friends. If she feels the need to leave later, she might not have anyone to reach out to. Instead, be there for her even more. Let her feel that you lover her, and let her know she has a soft place to land when she dumps him.
Your daughter is being abused and cutting off financial support to her just means that she’s going to be stuck in that relationship even longer. Congrats. Yes, you are wrong.
You're wrong for disowning her. You can cut her off financially without disowning her. You disowned her simply because she wants to date who she wants to date, which is really bad. Its common for girls to date a few losers before they figure their shit out. She isnt doing anything that unusual or horrible.
the guy may be a loser, but your daughter may be searching for a male in her life who wont dump her so easily, the way you did. Your love for her was conditional on her obeying your controlling nature. Yet you complain the man she is with is too controlling. By your actions you have proven you are a terrible and unreliable father.
YNW. However, I don't exactly have encouraging help to provide. My daughter went no contact with me about a year ago. I know I did something to piss her off, but truthfully, I don't recall what it was. They pretty well need to find their own way. She knows where I live, my phone number, my email address, and Facebook. Whenever she needs me, I'll be here. Same with your daughter. Just let her know you still love her & you'll be there for her. (When she sees his true colors.) It might be a while, just believe that she'll reach out when she's ready. Good luck. 🍀🍀
I’ve been that girl before. If you want her to come back to you, you need to make it known to her that you’re there when she needs you, and when she’s ready to leave (and she probably will be eventually) she can come home to you any time without fear of retribution. Currently, she will feel she has no choice but to stay where she’s at, as she has no financial means or shelter to exit her situation. She will not come to you if she thinks you hate her for her decision to stay with the guy. She will stay longer as a result.
Guys like that will control and manipulate, isolate, and make us feel like we can’t survive on our own without them. At that young age, it can be so easy to fall for the charm they put on at first until we are in so deep we don’t know how to get out. Reach out to her, let her know you love her no matter what, and that you’re there for her if she wants to leave him. You don’t have to like the guy or even interact with him, just make sure she knows she has you to go to when and if she’s ready to get out.
John Crawford had disinherited one of her children, but they started speaking again later in life and everything seem to be going much better until Joan Crawford died, and then the reading of the will, and the daughter found out she was disinherited.
What seems to have happened is that Joan Crawford at one point did disinherit her daughter. And after the relationship improved, she fully intended to change her will but at this point in her life, she was becoming too sick and too old that she just never got around to it. And no one knew that she had already cut the daughter off in the will, but her.
So her daughter has had her mother die and that is now the last thing she will ever remember of her mother. When in reality that wasn’t meant to be.
You are wrong. You should have stayed in contact. The thing about being in an abusive relationship….if she thinks she has nowhere to go…she’ll stay.
You can be right or you can have a relationship with your daughter.
You choose.
You aren’t wrong for cutting off financial support, but you absolutely are for cutting contact and emotional support. She’s clearly in an abusive relationship and when she realizes it she’s going to need to know that she can still count on you. All you have done is show her that she can’t count on you for any kind of support.
I'd never cut my child off...period. Especially in a situation where my child is in a toxic, abusive type relationship. I've been there myself...I'm also a mom and seeing your child go through something like this isn't easy. But cutting contact...you literally pushed her right into his arms AND now he has exactly what he wants. Full control over her. I'm not saying you should have kept helping financially, but what kind of mother disowns their child knowing that their child is potentially in danger?
OP open the door of communication with your daughter. Let her know that you love her and that you lost your temper but you want to be there for her. Tell her you love her and that if she needs you, you’ll be there! She’s your daughter and you’re her father; please reach out before it’s to late. She needs you now and always!
The BF separated your daughter from her friends then from you. He is a manipulator. Are you wrong, yes. You should have raised her better. Since you cut off contact with her the only person she has left is her abuser. Be prepared to go see her at the hospital or the morgue.
Cutting off contact is extreme. Your child comes first. Finically fair enough, she’s 22 so should be in education or in Work. Blackmail is never the solution. If you wanted to cut her off because she was 21 and she should be responsible for herself financially then fine but because of the fact that she’s not doing what you want is a bit ridiculous. She needs to make her own mistakes. Unfortunately all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces. She is an adult and she can make her own choices so if I were you I’d call her up and apologise and maybe set boundaries. For example if it’s not good for you to speak about their relationship then dont, but you need to make a choice. What’s more important? You behaviour is controlling. You’re using money and blackmail to control her life regardless of whether you feel like it’s in her best interests. As an adult she is entitled to make her own choices.
Cutting off financial support I understand completely. But cutting contact is selfish and stupid. She needs to know you will support her and will be there for her. If not then you are giving this bf of hers all the arguments he needs to confirm what he is telling her, that he is the only one she needs in her life, and he can continue on the road to abuse.
Please back track. Be there for her. Call her everyday to make sure she is okay. Be her référence for when she finally realise that this bf is no good. Make sure she knows she can call you any time of the day or night and that you will go pick her up to help her out of this abusive relationship. Because if you don't there is a day where you'll get the phone call to go and identify her body at the morgue. Don't live to regret. You her parent for fucks sake. You should love her and be there for her. Not push down her head underwater and hold it there for her to drown. Get off your high horse and be therefor your daughter before it is too late.
Who didn't date a loser or asshole in their 20's? Its practically part of growing and gaining life experience. I hope even though you cut your daughter off you will speak with her about how she is. Of course if she is in need of help to get out of an abusive situation it will be hard to admit that to you.
Not wrong. Giving a scumbag money and just having to deal with him abusing your daughter? No, you were right to cut them both off.
She will be back when reality sets in, or not. Either way, she's a big girl now and she can make her own decisions.
Next time don't give an ultimatum you're unable to live with.
Definitely a tough situation but idk if cutting off contact completely was the correct move. I agree with cutting off financial support but you should always be there for your daughter even when she’s making poor decisions. Sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way but be there to help them when they figure it out.
Agree ^ She will need support when she realises he’s no good, and she won’t have you to turn to anymore and she will remember it. I would open the door to support her emotionally. We’ve all been in similar situations and being there for your kids when they’ve learned a valued lesson in life means the most!
The way my parents put it, we will let our kids struggle, but never starve. And that goes for both literally and emotionally. They will let me make my own choices and mistakes, but they also aren't going to let me be alone when those mistakes have their consequences.
>The way my parents put it, we will let our kids struggle, but never starve. And that goes for both literally and emotionally. They will let me make my own choices and mistakes, but they also aren't going to let me be alone when those mistakes have their consequences. I love this paragraph. I try to be this way for my son (he's 24). I don't want to interfere in his life, but I'll help when asked and I won't let him hurt alone.
My thoughts exactly. At points in my life I never expected my parents to ever help me again. Then my dad came to me when my kids and I were about to be homeless. He knew we needed him and we mended fences. It’s ok to swallow pride and show forgiveness is possible because love is always there.
Absolutely the way I want to be for my kids! No college fund, used old beater, a job if they want said beater, etc. But I’ll always be a safe haven for them whenever they need
That's the approach I've always taken.
The first part was beautifully worded . Bravo
This. I lied about my degree, hid being unemployed and got evicted recently and my dad still took me back in. Granted I’m on a tighter leash financially with him than before. But it’s good anecdotal backing that parents will do what they can to make sure their children aren’t on the street
THIS 💯- cut the purse strings by all means, but not contact. She's 21 and obviously not a gold digger or money hungry because she chose love, at least by her own understanding of it. Re-establish communication, but remain steadfast on the money tip. Unfortunately, the bf might need a 'talking to' if he's abusing her. A stern one.
And PLEASE OP, make sure you save that money that you’re withholding so that when she wants out of this relationship, you have a soft pillow for her by helping her get on her feet again!
Really well said.
Agree with others here that cutting off financial support is ok but to leave communications open.
this is how you end up with a severely abused, if not dead, child. they have only been together a few months and you’re already ready to disown her?? how is she your pride and joy if you can let go of her that easily? when you have a child you need to be there for them through their mistakes. that’s when they need you most.
You feared he was trying to isolate her, so you cut contact with her 🫨 you did exactly what he wanted you to do.
He won! He got her totally isolated without the safety net of a loving parent. You are wrong.
Yeah OP if it's really the way you say it is she needs someone she feels safe to turn to when it gets really bad. Her fear of your "I told you so" could cost her (and you) a *lot* of pain or worse, if it stops her from turning to anyone for help. Also notice they are struggling, but still together. If they both know they're cut off from you financially, and he didn't leave, perhaps it's not all about money.
For real, OP needs to apologize for the slightly harsh cutoff and reassure his kid that he'll be there if she needs help.
Seriously "slightly harsh"? This jerk goes to the extreme and DISOWNS his daughter and goes FULLY No Contact throwing her away FOREVER. What could possibly be more harsh than that?
Having a loving parent die on you while you're young. Didn't leave you on purpose, but you're completely on your own with no financial or emotional support ever again...
LOL yeah, and the Apocalypse would be even MORE harsh than that... if we're completely ignoring the spirit of the question.
Respectfully disagree. As an only child who lost both loving parents by 22, I have understood fully that I am alone in this world. BUT, I still pity this girl more, the rejection of knowing your missing parent is alive still, but is acting dead... That would be way worse to me.
She never had a loving parent after her mom died. His “love” is a huge fucking joke for him to be able to cut her off when she needed him most. I really hope someone else, male, female, older, younger, comes into her life and makes her feel good enough about herself to leave all toxic contacts in the past forever.
exactly
Also like- blatant manipulation to get what you want. Hm. Wonder why she went for a controlling dude, dad.
Any time you tell your kids not to date someone, you push them towards that person harder. You said he’s isolating her, so your logical step was to cut her off and isolate her more? What if she needs you but you disowned her? If she needs help, she can’t come to you or talk to you because you want nothing to do with her, correct? Shes 21. She’s a full fledged adult. You may not like her decisions but they are *her* decisions to make and have nothing to do with you. Are you going to cut her off/disown her every time she makes a decision or choice you don’t like? This is shitty parenting 101. Shes old enough to support herself financially, but completely cutting her off both emotionally and financially makes her even more dependent on this guy making it harder to get away from him if that’s what she wants to do. If she’s not working and he is paying for everything, I can guarantee you he’s financially abusing her too. You let that happen. It’s really no wonder why she thinks controlling and manipulative behavior from men is ok. You seem pretty controlling and manipulative yourself so there’s a good chance she thinks that’s “normal” in healthy relationships. Had you not disowned her (which you did because you couldn’t control her) for a decision that has nothing to do with you, she most likely would have seen that he was a bad guy a lot sooner and probably wouldn’t have ever moved in with him. You sir, fucked up.
This is 100% correct. I came from a family who tried to financially control me. It was always, "you do that, you're out of the will!" I didn't take a dime from them from before I was 16 onwards. Nothing to hold over my head. Same situation here, but she apparently let him buy her. There is no actual love if you can discard your child for an assumed mistake. Feel free to "protect" her by cutting her off financially if it seems like he's after family money (he's not as he's still with her), but DISOWNING HER?! The only thing that would make me disown my kids is if they maliciously murdered someone.
Yeah, you were wrong. Cutting her off financially is one thing, but you *disowned* her?? Way to give her no way back. Way to make her feel your love was conditional. And you’re worried *he’s* controlling?? Look in the mirror dude. If this situation is truly breaking your heart you’ll apologize to your daughter. You’ll tell her you love her unconditionally and that nothing will change that. I hope that’s true. I hope you tell her that she can count on you from now on. That doesn’t mean to reinstate her in your will (tho you should) it means that if she’s in trouble, needs help, you’ll be there for her. Bc that’s what a loving parent does. I hope you get the opportunity to say all these things to her. It might take awhile for her to let you, for her to believe you still love her. Be grateful if she gives you that chance.
A controlling father would raise a child that would be a prime target for an abusive control freak. She was raised to associate control with love. He'll have to hurt her really badly for her to wake up and realise that it isn't.
Damn abandoning your daughter and leaving her in the hands of an abuser really makes you dad of the year. Not only are you wrong. YTA
Reach out and ask her for a cup of coffee
Stop supporting her financially, but keep contact. Say you love her & will be there when she most needs it. But that you can’t overlook how he treats her.
Soo to stop her controlling boyfriend, who you say is isolating her...you further isolate her ? Not supporting financially? I get that. But stopping contact ? When she's already alone? I think that was a horrible call on your end. To make up for not being there for her, you're not gonna be there for her even harder. Make it make sense.
You're concerned that this guy is not a good person and may be abusive? So you disowned her and have ruined your relationship with her so in the future if she is in danger from her relationship then she has no one to turn to. You are so wrong and potentially putting your daughters life in danger.
When my brother married his ex-wife, I knew she was going to be awful. I didn't know how bad it would get, but I knew. I asked him once if he was sure after she said something pretty terrible and then didn't ask again. Even though she tried to chase me away for years, I clumg on with a foot in the door. She would have loved to get me to leave because abusers love to have their privacy to abuse. I was the first person he called when she cheated, and I was there to hold him together until he had it on his own.
Wrong is one way to put it. You removed a support person and safety net she may well need in the future if her partner is indeed abusive. You've likely also guaranteed that she will try stick with a broken relationship longer to try prove a point; likely to the detriment of her own mental and physical well being. Most abusers need to work hard to isolate their victims from family. You handed her over on a silver platter. Kids make mistakes, so can parents. Reach out and fix it before you truly have a reason to regret it. And yes, that may mean accepting what you consider to be her mistake in the sort term with a view that leaving that door open may lead to saving her life down the track.
You are totally wrong. Your daughter needs extra support right now, not to be abandoned by one of the only people that really cares about her. you can't manipulate her into leaving this guy, so if you really love her you need to be there for her, not push her away
The more you pressured her, the worse it got. That was your mistake. Reach out, apologize for being so harsh and see if you can fix it. This is on you.
Seems like both of you are trying to control her.
Cutting them off just makes it easier for him to manipulate your daughter. I'd go low contact, but check in and make sure to let her know you are always here if she needs you
Unfortunatly people in abusive situations often can't be helped until they are ready to accept the help. With this comes another harsh reality, pushing hard can actually backfire. I believe there are parallels between abused individuals and addicts in how they behave in terms of getting help and accepting help. I don't think you were wrong to cut her off financially, at least to the point of not supporting her and her abuser. You can absolutely say that you will not directly or indirectly financially support a man who mistreats you daughter, but when she is ready to leave him, you will be there for her. You were 100% wrong to go no contact with her. He had already isolated her from her friends, and now you gave him an assist in isolating her from her family. The reality is sometimes you can do everything right, be a great parent, raise a child right, and these abusive f\*cks can still get their claws into them. The best you can do now is try to find a way to get back into her life, apologize for your mistakes, and do one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, wait on the sidelines until she's ready for your help.
I don't understand the logic of this situation. He is isolating her from her friends is one of the things that you mentioned and you cut her off and stop talking to her how does that make any sense? Cutting everything else off makes sense but you want to keep in contact and let her know that the original statement is true I will gladly be here to help you but not when he's in the picture.
Yeah… YW. you abandoned your daughter when she needs you most and you tried to manipulate her because she was getting manipulated. It seems like the reason why your daughter fell for an abuser is because that’s all she knows.
Yeah, dude, you were wrong. I guess you're only a parent when she does what you say, huh?
Yes, you were wrong You obviously helped create this situation by funding her lifestyle instead of helping her to develop into an independent, self-sufficient adult. She's now relying on another man to take care of her. And he spotted the weakling from the herd a mile away. You cut your "pride & joy" out of your life so swiftly & unjustly. You could've stopped giving her money but kept the lines of communication open & relationship intact. Now you should reach out to her, & let her know that you're sorry, & you'll always be there for her if she needs you. That she can call you for help & you'll come get her, no questions asked. That if she needs to come back home at any point, your door is always open. Remind her that you love her & that you just want the best for her. Keep sending these messages, text, email, voicemail, etc, even if she doesn't respond. One day, she might reach back out, & you need to keep that lifeline available for her.
Yeah you are wrong. We don't own our children. We are entrusted with their safety and upbringing. What they choose is simply the choice they have made for their life. Never let your babies feel that they are alone or can't come to you for help. Your role doesn't change just because you don't like her decisions. 🤷🏾♂️
« I think my daughter is being isolated by her manipulative boyfriend, so I disowned her and now she lives with him, proving to her that he is more present for her than me in a very concrete and legal way » You watch too many movies my man you fucking disowned her ? For a crappy boyfriend in her early twenties ? What the fuck were you thinking ??
It sounds like some sick jealousy is an element here as well. Emotional incest by expecting her to “replace” her mother’s role as his wife, minus the sexual aspect (maybe? Hopefully?) and he sees this abusive boyfriend as a threat to him, to hell with the daughter. They should be best buddies, they certainly have a lot in common!!
As a domestic violence counselor for almost 20 years I can say yes, you are absolutely wrong for disowning her. Being in a controlling and abusive relationship is extremely difficult. She is 21, you can’t control her decisions. She will need support when and if she leaves this relationship. Abuse is so isolating in itself. Cutting her off isolates her even more.
So, your daughter is in an abusive relationship, one of the hallmarks of which is for the abuser to isolate the victim so that they can’t leave. And your reaction is to cut contact? Isolating her even more? You have made a mistake. My recommendation is to contact her immediately and apologise for cutting her off. Tell her you love you and you miss her. Tell her you made a mistake. Also tell her that her partner is abusing her and manipulating her. You know that she will not want to hear this and you now accept this. Tell her you will be here when ever and however she wants you. Also tell her you think that he is with her for your money and you will not support that. You are her to help her, love her, support her. But not to bank roll her or him. In short, you need to re-establish emotional contention and support but not give them access to your money.
Cutting contact and disowning is the worse thing you could do when she’s in an abusive situation. You have done exactly what that man wants and she’s now totally isolated, no money if she wanted to run and alone. And because you disowned her, she may think you don’t want her at home. From the looks of it you are manipulative and controlling yourself (giving an ultimatum such as this). She’s 21, telling her to do what I want or this happens is super controlling and manipulative. It’s a tactic he would be using too. Reach out to her, apologise, say you miss her and love her so much, ask to meet up and if that’s a no video chat. And just keep in contact, don’t let him isolate her from you. Hopefully you can fix this and with time get her out. Abusive relationships take time, you just have to show you’re still there and provide that support. The victim doesn’t fully understand its love and hopes things will change till something breaks the camels back and they realise they are in serious danger. So be patient and stop being a controlling dad.
You're wrong Ultimatums do not work, and she is her own person who is free to make her own decisions even if they're bad decisions. The best you can do is provide her with empathy and emotional support when she needs you. It's sounds like you cut her out completely and not just financially. All you accomplished was showing her that this guy is the only person who really is there to have her back, even if he treats her poorly. His tactic worked. Because of your decision, he effectively isolated her, and you pushed her right into his grasp, and you made her more dependent on him. However, she is 21, and she should be working towards providing for herself, and that's what you should have been teaching her to do instead of throwing her to the wolves.
disowning your daughter will just isolate her... so if you don't care if he killed her in a few years because she had no body and nowhere to go because her own father disowned her, N-T-A, Otherwise, YTA. What will happen the day she wants to run away from him if he is violent? she won't be able to leave because even her father will abandon her, so she may FORCE herself to stay because you will have abandoned her, so she will put herself in danger several women are killed (or kill themselves) for this reason because THEIR OWN FAMILIES turned their backs on them when they needed them most
She’s going to need you when her eyes are open and you’re showing her that you won’t be available to help her out of a bad situation :(
Cutting her off financially was a good move. Keep communicating with her and just listen. Don’t offer solutions until she asks. Make sure she knows you’re there for her.
She likely chose him because his actions are similar to yours. You are trying to control her, as well.
She will need you more than ever if she finally gets the courage to leave an abusive relationship. You were wrong to cut off contact. You have actually helped the boyfriend isolate her from her support system. Contact her, tell her that you love her and will be there (non-judgmentally) if she ever needs you. And delete the words “I told you so” from your vocabulary.
Yes, you were wrong. You voiced your concerns about her bf, but as an adult, she can make her own decisions. Cutting off financial support I can understand, but disowning her was stupid beyond belief. You should have left the lines of communication open so that she knew she could turn to you if the relationship went sour. Well apparently the relationship is turning abusive but she's afraid to reach out to you for help. Is that what you wanted?
I would not have cut her off completely. I think you messed up big time there I would have told her I love her dearly, but it's breaking my heart to watch her being treated the way he treats her. That you can not continue to give her money that she will be spending on both of them **I Would try to get the following message to her** *Dear "susie" I miss you so much and would love to see you. If you every feels in danger, sad, wants to talk or come home, call you immediately and I'll come get you.. I will always be here for you and want what is best for you and do worry about you a lot. I miss and love you very much. I'd love to meet you for lunch someday, I can come to a place near your work if that is better for you. Just the two of us, so we can catch up. Please call or text me Love, Dad or Daddy (whatever she calls you)* **Sadly,** when someone is that controlling and manipulative they will cut the other person off from family and friends - it's the only way they can control them He will probably see your message and if she agrees to lunch, you can 99% guarantee he will be there with her because he will be afraid you will talk her into leaving him. If she/they show up for lunch, try to stay calm, ask how life is, are you working and if so what are you doing - just general life questions. If you see any bruises on her, do not ask about them in front of him!! If she is alone, ask her when you are heading out to drop her off - otherwise she will bolt. Let her know you love and miss her and would love to have lunch or dinner whenever she can. If she wants to come to the house, you can cook a meal together - keep it light - don't pressure her into coming home, especially if he is there, if he's not then suggest she comes for a meal that you can cook together - he most likely will be with her if she agrees **In what way is he treating her poorly** - if he is hitting her then friends need to call and report the abuse to police who will have to make a wellness check if abuse is reported Wishing you the best and the best for your daughter, I hope you can patch things up and get her away from this guy
Cutting her off could make her feel abandoned. She might want to get out of the relationship, but feels she can’t come to you anymore. She’s still learning about the world at 21yo, sounds like she’s learnt that she doesn’t have you for support.
Not wrong for cutting off the money but why contact too, go try and make up lifes too short
The bf is isolating her from everyone, you don't like him for it, and what is your big solution? Isolate your daughter even more. You could have cut her off financially but still have contact, to let her know she is always welcome back.
You knew she was in a bad relationship so you cut her off financially AND PERSONALLY. Am I understanding that correctly?
Reach out and reassure her that she can come home but don’t give her any money
Please, please, please let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you. And she will.
Info: why wasn’t cutting her off financially enough, why did you have to cut contact too? Honestly,?at her age, an ultimatum about a romantic partner from a parent will never work. The best you can do is bite your tongue, keep a good relationship, and be there to support them when they learn the lessons that we all have to learn as we mature.
You should have given her an option to contact you as a lifeline. A way out of the relationship.
Unblock her but stay NC. Give her a way back, if what you say is true and she wakes up.
Ultimatums rarely work in the way we want them to. But it's done now. She has to learn her own mistakes (unfortunately, as much as we want to wrap them up and keep them safe, at 21 she HAS to make her own experiences of life... it sucks for parents to sit back and watch this, when we have our own past experiences and know how it's going to play out). I'm not going to say you were wrong per se, because I get where you're coming from and it is a place of love and concern for her. The only real option you have now is to offer the olive branch and reach out to her with moral support (don't go back to financially enabling her), so that when, not if, things get bad for her, she has a safe place to escape to. Manipulators rely on the victim not having anywhere to go or anyone advocating in their corner. Show her you are there for her, regardless, but without enabling the situation further. I hope she does what's best for her. Good luck.
Well, giving ultimatums never works, and all you've done is pushed her more towards him. Get back in contact with her and apologise. Say that you are there for her, but you are worried about her. See her when he isn't there, or call when she is free to speak or text. Keep telling her that you have her back, and you're always there if she needs you. Look up some info on support groups or websites that might help her, and pass it on to her. She needs someone to run to when this all breaks down, so keep the door open. Good luck 🤞
I understand cutting her off financially, but to disown her? That says you only love her if she's doing what you want her to do.
One of my kiddos was in a similar situation a few years ago. She was only 17, so still very much dependent on us financially. The harder we pushed for her to break it off with the POS, the harder she clung. She was causing chaos in our home, in part because of this relationship. But we never put her out or cut her off because we knew he was trying to isolate and didn’t want him to succeed. He was physically and emotionally abusive. It was a HARD 2 years. We stuck it out, and she finally broke up with him for good. She’s doing well now and is with another young man, in a healthy relationship. Had we cut her off, I have zero doubt that she would have died either by his hands or her own. As it was, she did almost die from suicide. Please reach back out and re-establish contact and a relationship. She needs to know you’re a safe person to return to if she decides to leave him. You don’t want him to be the one she has to keep relying on because you’re not there anymore. It could literally save her life. Be well.
Funny how you had issues with a controlling boyfriend yet you wanted to control her life when she’s an adult. Yep, you’re wrong.
You’ve just allowed him to have even more control over her and isolate here further. In these situations you need to be stubborn as mud and not budge. I can understand cutting the financial aspect but you shouldn’t have stopped contact. You need to reach out and apologise for that part while also not providing any monetary support.
Yes, you were wrong, very wrong. Call her now and apologize!
Ah yeah, being controlling and manipulative is BOUND to make her see that a controlling and manipulative man is bad for her. Sound logic there. Yes you're wrong. And you're as bad for her as the man in her life. You either love her unconditionally or you don't. If she needs help, do you think it will be you that she comes to for help now? Nope, no absolutely not. Fix this or lose her forever. Also, look hard in the mirror. You're currently an awful parent.
YA absolutely W. You should ALWAYS, ALWAYS be there for your daughter, ALWAYS. There's such a thing as disengaging from someone who is toxic themselves, or from someone in your daughter's situation after said situation affects your own mental health, but this reads like you disowned her for disobedience, which will ONLY serve to push her closer to her abuser.
You went too far. And in doing so, you did exactly what the man wanted you to do. He wanted to cut her off from family and you complied. Thank almighty God I didn’t get a father like you.
Is all the bad things you know hearsay or first hand accounts because apparently you were wrong about him being with her for money if they stayed together after you cut her off. Also don't really get why your answer to her being isolated was to isolate her.
So your daughter is in an abusive relationship and you decided it was a good move to deepen her isolation and emotional/financial hardship. This effectively increased her dependency on the abusive boyfriend and completely eliminated any influence or contact you have with her. You are an idiot. You cannot control a 21 year old who chooses a bad relationship this way. 100% wrong. Could not be more wrong.
Please leave the lines of communication with your daughter open. She is going to need a safe place to land when she comes to terms with what he really is. You don’t need to support her financially, but she will be trapped in that situation far longer than necessary if she doesn’t feel as though she can come to you when this all blows up.
The question is this. Why is cutting her off financially and cutting her off emotionally the same thing in your mind? Why couldn't you cut her off financially, which at 21 isn't a horrible thing to do, but still be present in her life? If your daughter is in an abusive relationship, she doesn't have a place she feels safe to go to. You're not it.
I think yes you were. I understand how hard it is to watch her go through this but she was never going to be swayed by an ultimatum. The best thing you could have done for your daughter was to make sure that she knew you were there for her. Maintaining contact is absolutely crucial because men like this will isolate their partners and as far as she knows right now, you are not someone she can turn to. It’s not too late to fix this. The last thing you want is for her to cling to this relationship because she believes she has no way out.
You're wrong, dumbass. Great, to see that you her conditional. You never really cared for her. Instead of being there for her, you leave. Worst father ever.
I think you need to get in touch with her (bearing in mind he’ll be monitoring her phone, Facebook and most of her communication) to let her know that you stand by the fact that he is no good for her, but you shouldn’t have cut her off and you’re always be there for her if never she needs you. Baby steps to get back into her life.
You are so wrong Her boyfriend is manipulative, controlling, abusive and isolates her. Your response is to quickly decide to disown her. You have given her no choice but to stay with him. The only person that she ever had her whole life threw her away at the first opportunity. You threatened to cut her off financially but lied and went nuclear: Full No Contact, driving her farther into the abusive relationship because that is she only thing that she has left. You have shown your daughter that if you are not going to be the one controlling and manipulating her then you have no use for her. It certainly seems like you never loved her. No wonder she went for this jerk. She went for what she knows and found a guy who values her as little as her father does.
I strongly dislike my sister’s husband but keep a good relationship with my sister so that when she’s ready to leave in the future, she knows she can trust me as a resource. It’s okay not to want to give your money to your daughter anymore but it was wrong to cut off the relationship. Abusers want their victims to be isolated and your daughter’s abuser has succeeded in removing you as a support for your daughter. Call her and tell her you’d like to reconnect and just decline to give money.
Yes you're the asshole. Get your shit together.
Yeah, piece of shit move for sure.
Great, now she will have no one and stay with the person that is abusing her
Hey man, I get it. I love my daughters in a way that is vastly different than the way I love my son. To be blunt though... You fucked up. I don't mean that to be insulting, just blunt. Cutting her off while she was essentially trapped in an abusive relationship was a HUGE mistake. Please please please, reestablish contact, let her know you love her and your home is a safe place for her whenever she decides to leave, and always answer her phone calls in the meantime.
I appreciate cutting off financial support, she is an adult and you don’t want to be paying to support her and her boyfriend, but why did you cutoff communication? That makes no sense. You need to reach out and apologize for that element of your reaction, see if she is okay, and build back your relationship, without throwing money at it, that part doesn’t need to be undone, but you need to fix the relationship.
Holy smokes. You really went scorched earth. Cutting her off financially is one thing but disowning her? Damn dude. Your daughter is making a shitty choice but she's an adult and allowed to make shitty choices. Know what the #1 tool for an abuser is? Isolation. They isolate with victims so the victim has no one to rely on but their abuser. It makes life with the abuser seem normal because there's no one in the victim's life to tell them it isn't normal. Best part of Isolation for the abuser is it gives them complete control. The victim can't leave, where are they going to go? They don't have friends, their parents don't want them, the abuser is the only person who is willing to put up with the victims. If the victim leaves, they'll be all alone and they won't make it on their own. Seriously dude, you've just handed your daughter's boyfriend everything he needs to abuse her. You could have just cut her off financially but kept your relationship with her.
You are wrong. Regardless of your reasons, you're wrong. She is 21 and old enough to make that decision for herself. All you can do is love n support her n BE HER ROCK while she goes through this life lesson. It's one she HAS to learn, you can't protect her from it. My own fathered disowned my oldest sister when she was 19 bc she dated a guy he didn't like. It was painful to watch her go thru that bc she was a "daddy's girl". He disowned me twice. 1st, when I got pregnant at 17 (he was "so ashamed" of me). He came back around when he talked it out with a friend n realized I was handling the situation well. N 2) When I left my husband to be with another man. 8 years later, I've seen my dad about 4xs, n have spoken to him...maybe....6xs? He wants to reconnect again, but I'm no longer a young woman desperate for her father's love n approval. He chose to support my ex-husband n act like I didn't exist. I was old enough n mature enough to realize the second time, that I deserve unconditional love from my dad, regardless of what choices I made for myself. You GOT to let her be an adult n love her through ALL of her highs n lows.
Yes you were wrong. You cut off her only outside support. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. Then, be ready to catch her when she finally leaves this guy and will be falling apart.
You are a horrible father. Horrible. I could never do that to my daughter. You just guaranteed her abuse much longer than she would if she had someone to fall back to. Her dad. I don’t say this often, but as a father, you are a piece of shit human.
Your daughter was in a potentially abusive relationship and you completely abandoned her and cut off emotional/financial support so now she is stuck there??? Wtf man
Not wrong. She's an adult who shouldn't have been relying on you for money in the first place. Plus, it was all going to him. Tough love is needed sometimes.
You should of had a nice little talk with junior, like this: https://youtu.be/QaN1xcxEJoQ?si=x7lA2Wgiv45E_HrR
You're not wrong.. but unblock her.. incase something happens, she can 'ring' on you...
Your words and emotional support don't pay bills but they might pay future dividends; calling her won't break your rule
One of the main reasons why women stay in or go back to abusive relationships is because they have no one else to go. No finances to fall back on because the abuser took hold of that, no friends or family because the abuse took care of that. All cutting her off and disowning her has done is made it harder for her to leave when the time comes. Reach out and let her know you're there for her. If she does decide to leave at least she'll know she can turn to you instead of staying and being abused.
If she's still with him, he werent with her because of the money and you were wrong.
Yes you are. If this relationship is abusive in anyway, you’ve cut off her safe place to run when she finds the strength to do so. You’ve reacted with your heart and not your head. My dad did the same thing and when I finally found the strength to leave, I still didn’t go back to my Dad (although admittedly he wasn’t a good person either) but I stayed with my ex for far longer than I should’ve because I’d been cut off from my friends and my own dad cut me off. So I had nowhere to turn. So instead of it lasting a year or two, I was stuck for SEVEN YEARS. Reach out. Tell her it’s none of your damn business but you love her and you want to stay in contact. You want to be her dad, not her gatekeeper. Tolerate him. FOR HER.
You’re definitely in the wrong. You cannot control who your children date. If it’s someone you don’t agree with, you can voice your opinion, if you must. It will never change anything. Did you really care if your parents liked your partners? You as a loving parent were supposed to make her aware that you’ll be there for her when this relationship falls apart. Instead you alienated her from yourself thus pushing her towards him. Now that things are bad, she probably feels she has to stay and put up with it or she will have nowhere and nobody to run to.
Nta, for removing financial support, but yta for cutting off all contact. You left her alone with only an abuser as her source of love and family in this world. Now she will feel trapped in said relationship as she'll have probably begun to depend on him emotionally and if she wanted to leave she'll have nowhere to go in her mind making her feel she'll have to stay with him for safety as most abusers become extremely aggressive when their victims try to leave and climb out from under their thumb. You have him everything he wanted by cutting off contact as abuser isolate their victims for this reason. I just hope the @sshole doesn't unalive your daughter. You let her alone both physically and emotionally and extremely vulnerable to that pos and with no suport or way out.
Yes. Abandoning someone in an abusive relationship is ALWAYS the wrong move
Yes, you are wrong. There's a difference between not supporting someone financially and cutting off all contact. So your young daughter was in a shitty relationship that she couldn't yet see the red flags in, and instead of being there for her when she needed you most, you cut her off. Kids, even adult kids, need to be able to make their own mistakes. I understand why you wouldn't want to be financially supportive to her, and in turn him, but you pushed her further into his arms and probably created a situation where she may be too ashamed or too prideful to admit she was wrong and ask for your help. You should reach out to her. You can love someone and support someone without agreeing with the decisions they make.
“I’m worried he’s gonna hurt hurt, so I’ll hurt her 100x harder first”
You are wrong. Please help your daughter, she needs you.
Partially wrong. Cutting off the money was a good idea. Cutting off contact was not. Having support can be the only thing that gives an abused woman the strength to get away. Abusers trap women in relationships. They are manipulative, love-bomb their targets, can act sweet and caring, apologise profusely for their actions, and know how to represent even their bad behaviour as something loving and a sign of care. So everyone else will see that behaviour from outside, but their target is too close to see it until she is trapped with no way to go (if she has no support, she is pregnant, etc.). Then he will show his true colours. He will stop apologising for hurting her or doing bad things, instead of manipulating her to do things he will order her. By cutting her off you have accelerated his timetable. She is trapped now, with no means to get away. So, he'll stop being nice and start being himself much sooner. I don't think you are to blame for her ending up in such a relationship because you were absent. Women of all backgrounds end up in such relationships. I think you might be a bit to blame for her inability to recognise his controlling behaviour. It sounds like you gave her orders and ultimatums a lot. As a parent, you are supposed to do that with your child early on, but you should tone it down when they are old enough to have opinions. You might have inadvertently raised to believe that someone who tells her what to do loves her. Try to get in contact with her again, without asking her to do things and even less giving her orders.
YTA. You should have stood by your daughter and had an eye on the situation. Now you threw away your kid and your future relationship will be forever affected by this AH decision. I'd call her and ask for forgiveness- the faster the better! The longer you put it off the more permanently your relationship will be damaged. If she's grown up she should be financially responsible. I wouldn't support her boyfriend either. Good luck.
I say this as a mom of 2, don't ever cut your kids off. Let them know not happy about their decisions, but don't cut them off completely. You're going to be sorry not ever knowing your grandchild no matter how they came to be. We didn't like my grandkids father for a few reasons, but we never cut her out bc we love her and knew eventually she'd figure it out and she did. We have our grandchildren in our lives and grandchildren are the best things ever!!! I couldn't imagine my life without them. Their father finally straightened up and ended up getting sick and unfortunately died. No matter what he's done, he was their father and they loved him and he loved them.
You just pushed her over to her abuser and cut off the only support system that could help her get out. Of course you’re wrong. You’re no better than the boyfriend, actually you’re worse because you’re her dad. The one who’s supposed to love her unconditionally
I get cutting her off financially but why did you stop seeing/speaking to her?
Yup. Justified. Maybe try to leave a channel open for communication. And state that there is a way back. Tbh, I‘d do the same if my kids turn out to be dumb fucks… like getting religious or other stupid things.
You could cut her off financially but you didn’t have to quit talking to her.
Very common response in this situation - tough love - thinking you will facilitate her seeing the truth. What generally happens, though, is the abused partner becomes MORE isolated and dependent on the abusive partner. Abusive partner can now paint you as the bad actor - “Your family abandoned you - but I am here.” Daughter experiences painful rejection from person who is supposed to be there for her - even if that is not your intention. Is there a middle ground? A way to keep the relationship? That doesn’t mean you enable her, but you keep communication and emotional support open. Good luck.
YNW for cutting her off financially, but YAW for disowning her. I think your best bet would be to talk to her. Let her know you love her & that if she ever needs a way out, you'll be there(not helping them financially, but if she wants to leave him). That you will be her safe place. She needs someone. Maybe one day she'll wake up, but honestly, disowning her would push her to stay with him, especially since he's cut her off from her friends.
Yeah YTA. You don’t cut off contact when people are in abusive relationships if you want to help them, you are there for them. Parents shouldn’t cut off their kids except for the most extreme of circumstances, and this isn’t it.
She should be cut off anyways. 21 is an adult and adults should make their own way in the world. I’d keep the communication lines open, but don’t give her any money ever again. Hardship builds character. It sucks that her boyfriend treats her poorly and you should let her know that you’re there for her, but you shouldn’t support her financially.
Yeah, you were wrong. She’s an adult. You don’t get to make her choices for her.
People who are being abused need unconditional love and support from people hoping they come out of it. You abandoned her when she needed you most. Even when they break up your betrayal is still there.
Yes, yes you are so very wrong! Our job as parents are to love, guide, care for and Protect our children, Not just when they do what we want but always, You failed your daughter, instead of guiding her and protecting her, you cut off support and forced her right into his home, not only that, but if he's as controlling as you say, (which sounds like she is used to controlling men, she learned it from you,) But I'm sure he's saying something along the lines of, "see no one wants you not even your Dad," Only you can fix this, Contact her, apologize, do not threaten, do not speak at all about her boyfriend, actually sounds like you don't personally know him, I speak from experience, my mother disowned me, why you ask? The list is long, rediculous and all comes down to I stopped letting her control me, I'm now in my 50s, she a very angry lonely woman.
You need to go apologize right now, face to face, before your worse fears become reality. Like someone else in the comments pointed out, she’s not even more isolated and in his control. If you have a bad gut feeling about this guy you need to wholeheartedly apologize and get your daughter back into your life and house so you can protect her from him. You have to guide her into seeing he’s bad for her, you can’t just tell her that or she’ll want him even more. She has to see it for herself
"He's alienating her from her friends, family, loved ones, so naturally I cut her off to show my disapproval" Cool, so now she's less likely to leave him. That's not how you deprogram abuse victims, dad of the year. Might you have consulted literally any literature or experts or anything beyond your own ego? How is she going to feel comfortable coming to you for help leaving him if you've shut the door? Or does that not matter anymore?
She deserves a better father, christ. You're wrong.
Not wrong cutting her off money wise she's going to need your help emotionally mybe call and talk to her if she needs a place to go with out her boyfriend Mybe try working in the background trying to help her see how bad he is Just don't get caught. Good luck. I hope she wakes up toxic relationships
Let's be honest here. You are lying to yourself when you say you love your daughter. Real love isn't transactional. You decided if she didn't do what you wanted her to do she wasn't your daughter. That is a transaction. When you love someone you respect their antonomy. Even if they have to learn lessons the hard way. You didn't respect her antonomy and withdrew your "love", support as her only parent, and all contact. Because she didn't respect your authority? That is not love, that is control. It's no wonder she is confusing control for love. She hasn't been properly loved since her mother died. How very sad for her. He life is a tragedy and you are one of the primary antagonists. Anyway, your neglect as a parent is why she so easily fell into an abusive relationship. Your withdrawal when she didn't obey further isolated her. Now she is completely under the control of her abuser and you cannot help her, because you burned that bridge. The only thing to be done now is pray he doesn't unalive her before she has the strength to leave him.
cutting het off financially is understandable. could you reach out and meet with just her for coffee? let her know you love her, you want to be sure her partner treats her well and with respect. maybe offer to pay for therapy for her and let her know she alone can always come home to you. you are worried because you heard her partner is not treating her well.
so you drove her further into his arms and cut off a potential escape route for when she realized her situation in the future and wanted to get out. knowing she has no support network to fall back on will make her stick around that much longer
You can cut her off financially without cutting off contact. Your daughter needs to know that you love her and you are there for her. Especially when she is going through something like that. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it happens. But it’s not too late to make it right. You are doing the right thing by cutting her off financially. Tough love is good sometimes. But she still needs her daddy. And don’t take it to heart that she chooses him over you. It’s natural when you are that young to think that you’re in love, and want to fight for that love no matter the cost. She will come around eventually. But in the meantime, she needs support. Controlling and abusive relationships are hard. It’s very easy for a young girl to become manipulated or brainwashed.
Someday, probably, your daughter will recognize the situation she is in. And she won't be able to contact you for help & support, because you cut her off. For that, you are very wrong. As a father it is your responsibility to let her know if her BF is an idiot. But you took it WAY to far. YTA,
My mom did this to me after being in serval abusive relationships herself. We began speaking after my relationship ended. Over 20 year’s later I don’t fully trust her and never will. She was my only parent and she abandoned me when she herself knew what I was potentially going through. Tough love is not love it’s abuse in another form. Edit: missing words, grammar
Is there a world when you can cut our financially… and still be in our life? maybe you could talk with her and say I don’t want to contribute financially anymore, but I would love for you to be a part of my life. If you really feel he’s staying with her for the money don’t give into the financial part. Just make sure she has somebody to turn to when and if she’s ready to leave him.
Not only are you wrong you are fucking stupid. How the hell did you think this was going to go?? You were going to MAKE her break up with him? People in general arent going to react well to someone trying to control them in such an absolute way. But 21 year old girls? Forget about it. Shes just trying her hardest to be independent so you go and tell her you make her dating decisions for her now. and she probably thinks shes growing old with this prick because she is young and naive. 21 is technically an adult but it is not old enough to make smart decisions romantically for the vast majority of people. How the hell did you not see this coming? I wouldnt say you are an awful parent, but you are extremely dumb socially or just dumb in general and it’s not helping you parenting wise.
She’ll leave the jerk eventually. It won’t be any time soon though. I would keep an eye just in case you have to rough up the boyfriend but she’ll see past him eventually when she’s tired of being tired.
I think you're wrong. She's going to need you. Reach out maybe and let her know even though you won't support financially but you will emotionally. It's a tough situation though.
We have 4 daughters. I want to always be their safe place when they make bad decisions, and mistakes. They are having financial difficulties - Come Home, They end up in an abusive relationship even when i didn’t like the person - Come Home, you say “I don’t agree with you being with him, and yes he is abusive, but if and when you get courage to leave, I will always have your back”. Things like this is what unconditional love is. Not I’ll only be here if I agree with everything you do. Our love and support for our children shouldn’t be conditional. If they are into drugs, you don’t have to give them money, but you offer rehab, or food. You can still support while not enabling.
Yes, you are wrong. You should love her unconditionally and be there for her when/if they break up. My daughter was engaged to a guy that I knew was not good for her. I told her what I thought, but also that I trusted her and would be there for her. She eventually saw the light and broke up with him. By you cutting her off is a sure fire way for her to stay with him. What you did was controlling and manipulative. My father did the same thing to me and I now have no contact with him and have been married to the guy my didn’t like for almost 30 years.
Bot post. Posted in 3 different forums. Complete fake language likely generated by AI.
Basically in these situatons the most you can do is let them know your concerns and make sure they know you’re a safe place to turn to when they realize they’re in a bad situation. Cutting off financial support is one thing, she’s 21 after all so it makes sense to do that anyway, but cutting off contact to her and telling her you’ve disowned her just makes her feel even more locked to that guy because now she truly feels there’s nowhere left to turn.
Please don't disown your daughter. HUGE mistake. My Dad basically disowned me. Ok, now looking back he totally did just that. The only contact I had with him is when I called him. It hurts deeply and forever. I should have took his advice and left the boy but I didn't. I was only 18. He boy was physically abusive and a drunk. He never showed that side until after we married. I had no one to turn to after 5 yrs I finally left the boy. 2 kids later. It was hard being alone and with 2 kids under 4 yrs old. I wish my Dad was alive now. Anyway, I won't go deeper. But, please keep in contact with your daughter and let her know you will always be there for her. It sounds like she will need you sooner then later. Good luck, I hope it works out for you both. 🫶
I would suggest talking to her and let her know that you're there for her if she ever needs to leave him. You don't want your dislike for the guy especially if he's abusive to be a nail in the coffin that forces her to stay with him. Give her an out, leave it up to her to take it or not.
you were wrong. not abt the financial part but u are her parent for LIFE ur supposed to be there for when she has the strength to leave a shitty situation. instead u abandoned her and made it so she had even less of a chance to reach out to anybody if she decided it was time. imagine shes being abused, leaving is the most dangerous time for ppl in those situations, and without her PARENT too… you shouldve kept the distance without an outright disownment.
What indicates he only wants your money? Bc my wife’s family said the same thing. I don’t know their situation/ bank account balance. They cut her out of their lifes as well. You don’t want to know the amount of times I’ve had to console her bc they said/did something the few times they tried to come back into her life. I have a few personal issues with them and I’m not going to let them go bc it can’t be fixed. Won’t say your wrong but you’re not right either.
I can appreciate how hard this must have been for you. I have three kids myself, 36F, 25M and 23M. IMO … Disowning was a bit extreme. Kids need to learn some things on their own. The last thing she needed was to have you remove yourself from her life. When it comes to children, they need unconditional love. I can totally understand not financially supporting her but as it is now, will she feel safe coming to you if/when things go bad?
Difference between “disowning” your daughter and financially cutting off an adult who can make her own decisions. I totally agree the latter was warranted here but not the former.
Why did you go no contact? Cutting her off financially doesn't mean you guys aren't eating dinners together.. Unless your entire relationship with her were financial...?
Unfortunately breaking the trust that she could come to you when she is able to leave is something that is difficult to come back from when the man she is with is weaving an emotional web of lie and abuse to keep her in his clutches. He will sow seeds in her head that you will never accept her back if tries to leaves. You disowning her will make that easy to believe, but it isn’t impossible to try and re open the lines of communication to her. To consistently remind her that you want a relationship with her and if that isn’t possible right now then you will be there to support her if she ever decides to leave. r/abusiverelationships is a place where you can go for advice on how to reopen the lines of communication with your daughter. You don’t have to financially support her (and in turn her abuser), but they can give you advice on the best way to communicate and offer emotional support while in this relationship.
No matter what anyone says, but I'm with op on this!! Imagine showring someone with so much love provide everything they need but they leave you for someone they just met, he might have been hurt at that moment💔
Wrong as fuck. Her mom is already gone, so you thought depriving her of the one parent she had left was the solution. Can't tell you how to solve the problem other than continue to be supportive, maybe limit what you give her but to disown her is not the answer.
You say he’s isolating her from everybody. And now you are isolating yourself from her. Cutting her off was a bad idea, but going low contact would have been better.
Okay just so we’re clear- your daughter is in an abusive relationship. That’s how it starts, the alienate them from their family and friends, break them down so they think they can’t do any better, that no one else will love them. Many women get stuck in abusive relationships and can’t get out because of financial issues. The abuser tries to make sure that they are financially dependent on them so they can’t leave. People do not understand how hard it is to break that cycle and “just leave”. So your solution was to further alienate her and cut off, not even the financial support, but the emotional support? You should feel guilty. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. And again, not about the financial part. The emotional part. She needs someone in her corner reminding her that she deserves better, that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. She needs someone to make her feel safe when she finally is ready to leave. Abusive partners escalate, and many victims don’t make it out and end up dead. I beg you- research domestic violence and abusive relationships. Apologize to her and make sure she knows that you regret pushing her away. I can understand if you don’t want to finance this man. But she needs you now more than ever. I do get where you were coming from. You’re not a bad father, this isn’t your fault. The only person to blame is the abuser. Just continue to be there for her. I hope that she finds the strength to leave this man, especially before it escalates to anything physical. Once she does, help her get into therapy. Much love to you and your daughter.
Yes, you are wrong for disowning your daughter and cutting all contact with her. She is being abused, you know she is being abused, and you essentially told her that you were no longer available to help her should she ever gain the strength to leave her abuser. I agree with not financially supporting her and her abuser! Reach out to her and tell her that you heard through the grapevine that he is still abusing her, and that she always has a home with you if she decides she needs it.
Don’t kick them when they’re down. You don’t have to support financially but you are their safe place. Don’t cut off contact please.
Please reach out to her and tell her that you are there for her whenever she is ready!!!!! It must have been difficult raising a child without a mother and I sympathize! You need each other! And let us know the outcome! I, for one, would love to know! I reallly wish the the very best!!!!!!!
I so like your way of thinking! I agree!!!
He doesn't sound like a great person but of course she chose him. You told her that you'd cut her out of her life if she did something you didn't like. And that was after a lifetime of what sounds like some neglect. She's gonna pick the guy who pays attention to her
YOU NEED TO AT VERY LEAST TALK TO HER AND SPEND TIME WITH HER. Dude, you Don't have to give her money or stuff. But,BE THERE. DON'T EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS. YOU WILL REGRET IT.
u/Proof-Proposal-9923 I cant say you are right or wrong here but I'm of two minds on this. On the one hand, she is your daughter, and she is with someone who mistreats her, which makes it hard to watch or hear about. You feel like he is beneath her and want better for her but she is too stubborn or stupid to realize that you are correct and because he is essentially abusive and can't really provide for her you thought it was a good idea to try cutting her off to make her see the light. On the other hand, cutting her off could and most likely will make her stick to him even more because she has no one else in her corner, and you lose visibility if she REALLY needs help. There is also the strong possibility that even if she does realize she is wrong, she won't come to you out of sheer unwillingness to admit you were correct. Personally, I don't believe this is going to work, and all you will accomplish is to isolate her. I get it, I'm in the same spot. This is our burden to bear. We love our kids even when we are pissed at them. You don't have to support your daughter financially to be a safe harbor for her if she needs you.
Not wrong, not entirely. Just like if she had decided to invest in a business that's destined to fail, you have to let her make her own mistakes but are not required to invest in that mistake. I'd say just to let her know that you're there for her but will not be investing in her relationship, and make it clear why you feel that way and what you see. Just letting her know she has a place to run to when she finally realizes she has to run will keep her from feeling trapped in a destructive relationship. Until then, just let her be on her own and check in now and then to remind her she has a safety net and that you care.
Unfortunately your daughter is an adult and has to learn these things on her own. She doesn’t have one of her parents, you should be present in her life without letting her depend on you for finances.
That’s tough man. What can you do when you try your best and your kid turns out to be a loser anyways? I’ve noticed that you can be a great parent but sometimes kids are literally just not intelligent enough. They make terrible life decisions over and over again. My advice is to try and find someone new to spend your time. Maybe you fall in love and start another family. Until your daughter finds her spine and leaves the loser, not much you can do.
Correct move, she will be back. If you still funded her, she would be with him longer. When she does come back, don't fully fund her, she is an adult.
Better to re-open communication with her. No money needs to be involved with that. Meet her at a cafe or restaurant first to assess how interested she is in getting back. I would be interested to know how she is paying for her cell phone coverage. If he does he probably can read her texts. If she does he can still force the issue about reading her texts. That is how a controlling person would handle that. I have a question on whether he is mean or vindictive or both. Not much to go on here in that respect. Also what kind of money were you.giving her and for what purpose? Give her a burner phone. Something she can use but doesn't cost a lot to replace. And something she can hide if she needs to.
Sounds like you were a very controlling father too with not much real love for her. To be able to cut contact like that is despicable. Cutting her off financially is fine since she’s 21 years old. She can make her own decisions, but unfortunately she’s been raised to think being treated that way is fine. That’s why fathers, especially for daughters, are so important.
You aren’t wrong for no longer providing financially, but you are wrong for cutting off contact. In general, people in abusive relationships aren’t capable of accepting help until they want help. Wants can’t be forced. Now, she doesn’t have you to turn to when she does want help.
Cutting off contact was a horrible idea, if you’re implying he is/has a tendency to be abusive. What is she supposed to do when she realizes things are bad? She can’t go to you for help because you abandoned her. She will feel trapped. I hope she is okay.
YTA for cutting her off- not financially, but emotionally. You see that she is with someone controlling and abusive, alienating her from her friends and you just put the ball even more in his court and allowed him to alienate her from her family. Sometimes as a parent, we have to allow our kids to learn the hard way, and be there for them when they fail; not try to force them to see what we see. You attempted to get her to leave her controlling boyfriend by attempting to control her- she learned to accept that behavior from YOU. You set the precedent and taught her this was ok.
We had the same situation with our eldest daughter when she was 19, mind you we made the mistake of listening to others accuse him of mistreatment and using her for our money. He looked like a skid - long hair, immature though 7 years older, no career or ambition, partying every weekend…your stereotypical redneck hillbilly. We cut her off financially (they were living in a new condo from us) and told her that we loved her, and she would always be welcome back home with no questions asked if she needed to. We would be there for her but could not accept who she was with in our home. She of course, being her mother’s daughter, said it’s both or neither, so my husband (who is not her biological dad but has raised her since she was 3yrs old and she’s always called him dad) cut off all contact too. He never forbade me from speaking to her, but absolutely no money was to be sent. It sounds like he was being a dick, but he was a huge softy…he would actually cry about missing her and push me to call and check on her all the time, and would give her siblings money to send to her “from them” so it wouldn’t look like he was backing down. Guess who else is stubborn af? Finally, he told me to fly out and check on her. What I saw amazed me, and were we ever wrong for listening to other people. They had moved to the west coast and have been solid for over 7 years. He’s in a skilled trade that he continues to upgrade and actually makes $20 more an hour than my husband, who pulls an $85k annual salary. He’s stood by her through untreated mental illness (BPD, depressive bipolar), drug abuse and most recently, Stage Two Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Whether I was there to take her to chemo or not, he was taking a sick day to be with her every single session. He loves her, is loyal and takes care of her, which says a lot because she’s a very stubborn girl and can be very difficult at times. Now she’s being treated for her mental health, doesn’t use any drugs, and was pronounced cancer-free last month. He makes her happy, and I realized that’s all I care about, and all I want for any of my children as a mother. My husband bought her a car and drove the 1200km to give it to her and see for himself. We’ve all reconciled, and have grown much closer over the past 4 years. We met his parents, and love them to death. At Christmas we found out that he’s from a very land-wealthy family who own a huge chunk of farmland (8 sections, which is 5,120 acres) because he had just inherited 1 section. Honestly we felt so embarrassed and bad about judging him without bothering to get to know him. We felt like we were in a bad Dhar Mann episode lol. Anyway he’s looking to buy a house and propose (he was going to propose on her 25th birthday but she was diagnosed 2 weeks before, so he’s waiting until she’s stronger) and we can’t be more excited about it. Be there for your daughter. You don’t need to give her money to show you love her and will be there for her if things go south with this guy. She needs to know she has a safe place to run to. Call her and tell her that, because life is too short, and if you feel this bad now, imagine how you’d feel if something happened to her because she couldn’t turn to you. Good luck 🩵
I personally left open channels when I noticed my daughters partner was toxic and abusive I always let her know although I didn't approve of the relationship that I would always be available if things got bad or if she needed to just talk cry vent or meet up I didn't trust him, and yes, go by your instincts and experience as parents. we see more than they do and have experience. Maybe reach out to see how she is doing try to communicate with her again Apologise for being tough you were just concerned about whether he was treating someone you love properly and just wanted to protect her because of love, also pulling the finances back was a test to see if he would still date her or stick around. I hope you can reconnect, and I hope she hasn't gotten herself into an awful relationship if he is controlling and verbally abusive he has no respect or real care for her so he will become controlling and isolate her blocking her from any support or safety then his aggressive side will come out so I do hope you can get back into her life so that you can check on her relationship behaviour 😉 all the best 👍
She’s already down to one parent, don’t disown her. You don’t need to be there financially but she still needs you as she navigates life.
Reach out to her. I wouldn't provide financial aid, but tell her she is always your daughter and you will alwats love her. Her boyfriend will definitely try to sway her to remain NC. Avoid any discussion of him as much as possible. Nobody ever listens to their parents when they disapprove of a partner. You'll only alienate her further if you harp on leaving him. Let her know SHE always has a home with you.
So, maybe she’s attracted to the controlling, manipulative guy because her dad taught her that’s what love looks like???
You're wrong. Hear me out: I was in your daughter's shoes at that age. My dad sucks at communication, but there were multiple times where he told me that he ALWAYS had an open door for me. To this day my dad is my safe place. I know that no matter what, he will make room for me. Now that I'm your age I completely understand both sides, but ultimately as parents we can't control our kids. All we can do is give them the tools to make the best choices they can, and be there for them when they fall. I think you should tell her that if/when she wants to leave, that you will fully support her. All you've done at this point is make it harder for her to leave.
You are wrong and a disgusting excuse for a parent. This is exactly what the boyfriend wants. Now she has no one to turn to. She’s probably being emotionally abused, hopefully physical abuse isn’t next. He has her just the way he wants. This sickens me. I would never disown my kids like this. They know they will always have a safe place to go.
The best parenting advice I ever heard is that you don’t drive the car but you try and keep them from going off the road. Cut off financial support, that’s reasonable. But to disown her?? That seems a very drastic response to what found very well be a temporary situation. Our kids know they can always count on us if they need us. I can’t imagine anything my kids could do to make me disown them. I’ve got a friend whose son is in prison for murder. As she says, yes he did it. Yes he’s paying g the price. But he’s still her son. She still visits him and takes his daughter to visit. I think you’ll regret this decision.
Please reach out to her immediately. Tell her you love her and she can move home. You’ll come get her. No judgement and no questions. Please don’t leave her with this man. If he was only interested in your money, my mind is going to a very bad place about another way he can get money out of her.
Yes you are wrong. You've set up a situation where she likely feels unable to come to you if she has doubts and might need help to escape. You've taken action that entrenches their unhealthy bond and gives him even more control. All because you acted on your emotions rather than pausing and thinking through the consequences of various options. Did you not learn, when she was a toddler, never issue ultimatums where the cost is too high and you wouldn't really want to follow thru? Regardless, she is not a toddler and I didn't have to. You could have said: sorry, that approach was wrong, I'm just really worried, here's what I will do instead. That may have been reducing financial support until the relationship ends. Helping her have a secret bank account where most of the money goes til she needs it to escape. Holding onto it for her for the same. Letting her know she will have your immediate and unwavering support to leave when she's ready. Keeping the communication open so she can tell you if it escalates. Helping her learn about other ways to stay safe. It is not too late tho. Can you talk to some other parents and seek advice, those with good relationships with their kids despite tough times? Start the savings account, take her to lunch, explain it and show her the balance? Take her a load of groceries and do the same while having her help unload them? Anything other than this. Apologize, and reinstate your support.
I fear that cutting contact will make her cling to him even more, making her feel that she has no one, especially since she is being isolated from friends. If she feels the need to leave later, she might not have anyone to reach out to. Instead, be there for her even more. Let her feel that you lover her, and let her know she has a soft place to land when she dumps him.
Your daughter is being abused and cutting off financial support to her just means that she’s going to be stuck in that relationship even longer. Congrats. Yes, you are wrong.
You're wrong for disowning her. You can cut her off financially without disowning her. You disowned her simply because she wants to date who she wants to date, which is really bad. Its common for girls to date a few losers before they figure their shit out. She isnt doing anything that unusual or horrible. the guy may be a loser, but your daughter may be searching for a male in her life who wont dump her so easily, the way you did. Your love for her was conditional on her obeying your controlling nature. Yet you complain the man she is with is too controlling. By your actions you have proven you are a terrible and unreliable father.
YNW. However, I don't exactly have encouraging help to provide. My daughter went no contact with me about a year ago. I know I did something to piss her off, but truthfully, I don't recall what it was. They pretty well need to find their own way. She knows where I live, my phone number, my email address, and Facebook. Whenever she needs me, I'll be here. Same with your daughter. Just let her know you still love her & you'll be there for her. (When she sees his true colors.) It might be a while, just believe that she'll reach out when she's ready. Good luck. 🍀🍀
I’ve been that girl before. If you want her to come back to you, you need to make it known to her that you’re there when she needs you, and when she’s ready to leave (and she probably will be eventually) she can come home to you any time without fear of retribution. Currently, she will feel she has no choice but to stay where she’s at, as she has no financial means or shelter to exit her situation. She will not come to you if she thinks you hate her for her decision to stay with the guy. She will stay longer as a result. Guys like that will control and manipulate, isolate, and make us feel like we can’t survive on our own without them. At that young age, it can be so easy to fall for the charm they put on at first until we are in so deep we don’t know how to get out. Reach out to her, let her know you love her no matter what, and that you’re there for her if she wants to leave him. You don’t have to like the guy or even interact with him, just make sure she knows she has you to go to when and if she’s ready to get out.
John Crawford had disinherited one of her children, but they started speaking again later in life and everything seem to be going much better until Joan Crawford died, and then the reading of the will, and the daughter found out she was disinherited. What seems to have happened is that Joan Crawford at one point did disinherit her daughter. And after the relationship improved, she fully intended to change her will but at this point in her life, she was becoming too sick and too old that she just never got around to it. And no one knew that she had already cut the daughter off in the will, but her. So her daughter has had her mother die and that is now the last thing she will ever remember of her mother. When in reality that wasn’t meant to be.
You are wrong. You should have stayed in contact. The thing about being in an abusive relationship….if she thinks she has nowhere to go…she’ll stay. You can be right or you can have a relationship with your daughter. You choose.
You aren’t wrong for cutting off financial support, but you absolutely are for cutting contact and emotional support. She’s clearly in an abusive relationship and when she realizes it she’s going to need to know that she can still count on you. All you have done is show her that she can’t count on you for any kind of support.
Tough situation but she made her bed
I'd never cut my child off...period. Especially in a situation where my child is in a toxic, abusive type relationship. I've been there myself...I'm also a mom and seeing your child go through something like this isn't easy. But cutting contact...you literally pushed her right into his arms AND now he has exactly what he wants. Full control over her. I'm not saying you should have kept helping financially, but what kind of mother disowns their child knowing that their child is potentially in danger?
OP open the door of communication with your daughter. Let her know that you love her and that you lost your temper but you want to be there for her. Tell her you love her and that if she needs you, you’ll be there! She’s your daughter and you’re her father; please reach out before it’s to late. She needs you now and always!
The BF separated your daughter from her friends then from you. He is a manipulator. Are you wrong, yes. You should have raised her better. Since you cut off contact with her the only person she has left is her abuser. Be prepared to go see her at the hospital or the morgue.
Your an AH. There's not a reason in the universe that I would cut my daughter off for. It's your daughter. POS imo.
Cutting off contact is extreme. Your child comes first. Finically fair enough, she’s 22 so should be in education or in Work. Blackmail is never the solution. If you wanted to cut her off because she was 21 and she should be responsible for herself financially then fine but because of the fact that she’s not doing what you want is a bit ridiculous. She needs to make her own mistakes. Unfortunately all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces. She is an adult and she can make her own choices so if I were you I’d call her up and apologise and maybe set boundaries. For example if it’s not good for you to speak about their relationship then dont, but you need to make a choice. What’s more important? You behaviour is controlling. You’re using money and blackmail to control her life regardless of whether you feel like it’s in her best interests. As an adult she is entitled to make her own choices.
Cutting off financial support I understand completely. But cutting contact is selfish and stupid. She needs to know you will support her and will be there for her. If not then you are giving this bf of hers all the arguments he needs to confirm what he is telling her, that he is the only one she needs in her life, and he can continue on the road to abuse. Please back track. Be there for her. Call her everyday to make sure she is okay. Be her référence for when she finally realise that this bf is no good. Make sure she knows she can call you any time of the day or night and that you will go pick her up to help her out of this abusive relationship. Because if you don't there is a day where you'll get the phone call to go and identify her body at the morgue. Don't live to regret. You her parent for fucks sake. You should love her and be there for her. Not push down her head underwater and hold it there for her to drown. Get off your high horse and be therefor your daughter before it is too late.
INFO: does she have a job? Bc cutting off her money income could make her get even more deep into the abusive relationship by money manipulation
Very odd that this was written in the past tense, has this situation resolved? Are you still no-contact with your daughter?
Who didn't date a loser or asshole in their 20's? Its practically part of growing and gaining life experience. I hope even though you cut your daughter off you will speak with her about how she is. Of course if she is in need of help to get out of an abusive situation it will be hard to admit that to you.
Not wrong. Giving a scumbag money and just having to deal with him abusing your daughter? No, you were right to cut them both off. She will be back when reality sets in, or not. Either way, she's a big girl now and she can make her own decisions. Next time don't give an ultimatum you're unable to live with.