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No, my girlfriend is gorgeous and she gets hit on CONSTANTLY by other guys and girls right in front of me. Its ridiculous and relentless. However, I learned that gorgeous women actually have a hard time making a decision regarding a bf because when you can have anyone, how to you know what is the right decision. Everyday there is a new suitor trying to get in your pants. Its overwhelming and they deal with so many aggressive or manipulative guys, it makes it hard to trust the men that come into their lives. I think that can develop a certain sad mindset that hurts intimacy.
>makes it hard to trust the men that come into their lives. I think that can develop a certain sad mindset that hurts intimacy
My current gf in a nutshell. She's extremely stunning and gets constantly hit on, has been sexually assaulted and harrassed and more.
I try to be a rock for her but there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said and broken before for her and it makes her cry because she knows I live up to it but hearing it again just brings up the horror for her.
Omg I feel for her and understand her. I’ve been sexually assaulted and I’m so scared to share that with someone. I feel like no guy will understand and will just leave. I also feel broken like eventually I cannot be intimate with anyone.
I think my mom was sexually assaulted as a kid by her uncle. I think it's why I'm scared to approach women, I'm scared of triggering them somehow (in addition to the normal nervousness). I don't really know why I feel that way, I guess somehow I internalized to always leave women alone from something in her behavior.
Anyways that's not really relevant to what happened to you, but I'm sorry it did. I hope you can find someone to open up to and trust in the future. I really don't think most men would count it against you, but I do understand it making you feel fragile.
attractive woman here and i agree, i’ve had such a hard time forming friendships lately, let alone relationships. i feel like people (men from my experience, i’m bi but women don’t really approach me) feel so entitled to sex and attention from attractive people, it’s really upsetting. i had a couple bad experiences lately and i’m starting to get really scared of interacting with strangers that approach me, even if they’re being courteous and polite. the worst part is that i’ve been single for a while and really want a new relationship, which just makes me even more overwhelmed and confused about how to handle things. i wouldn’t describe myself as lonely since i’m lucky to have good friends right now, but when it comes to dating i’m a mess.
I worked with a woman a while ago who was one of the top ten best looking people I’ve ever met. For the first three months I thought she was SUPER unfriendly. I’m jolly and always have a kind word and a smile for everybody, and I actually asked another person if I had done something to offend this person and didn’t know what. Then one day it was like someone flipped a switch. She was bubbly and funny and smiling at me. It took about a month of good conversations and lunch with a group before I asked her about it.
She said, “Oh, I just have to be really careful. I didn’t know if you were safe. Then one day I saw how much you love your wife when you were talking about her. And I figured I didn’t have to put on my bitchy armor with you anymore.”
THAT made me realize just how real the pretty girl caution is.
There’s really not. Anymore, you have to make yourself straight up unappealing if you look good, because some people are so aggressive with their approach, refuse to take no for an answer, or sometimes it’s just flat out a risk to a woman’s life to refuse the wrong man, so it really is safer to just be awful until you know that person doesn’t want something from you. Or rather, doesn’t want something and will take it from you whether you give it to them or not.
Yeah, I’m considered pretty but I’m not a “typical girl” (I have a very niche ethnic background) and my hot blonde friends get so many guys trying to fuck them but who also think they’re dumb(?) it grinds my gears. Most people assume I’m smart and men don’t really fuck with me even though I look 17 - I’m 30! I’m just short and slender with a baby face. But because I’m dark complexion people don’t assume I’m delicate or femme. I’ve had guys surprised that I’m “actually hot” when they hook up with me, lol.
I've see many attractive women get hit on by the wrong kind of men all the time. many a-hats. it's got to be difficult for women to get through all the B.S to find that good guy..
This lmfao😭 friends still tell me otherwise but I 100% believe its just the resting bitch face and the whole socially awkward and unapproachable demeanour I've got going on.
This is it.
It mainly applies to women.
1.) Resting bitch face = not her fault
2.) Crazy:Hot ratio exceeded and she's lying about it by saying people are intimidated to approach her.
Go to talk to the ex-boyfriends and chances are she lit their car on fire for not liking her latest Insta spread.
Resting bitch face sometimes hides the Crazy Hot. I know because I was always drawn to the most incandescent RBF in the room like a moth to a flame. This would backfire more often than not once the crazy took over.
I'm better now, I still notice notice the RBF but force myself to divert attention 30 degrees or so over to her somewhat mousy friend or aquaintance. My life is now much calmer😂
Missus is stunning. I look like Bigfoot.
She said yes before I finished asking her out.
Our one night stand is going on 36 years now.
In conversation she once said she knew she had to go after what she wanted as she was attracting the wrong kind of guys...players...
So she did. Sounds odd but much truth in it.
I have grand kids now... like winning the lottery every weekend.
I knew a dude who proclaimed himself as a goblin mutant while his wife was absolutely gorgeous (like she can be a movie star).
She said the same thing; she kept physically attracting the wrong guys (players, guys who want only sex/one night stand, FwB seekers, etc).
Dude was the first (and only) guy who can actually have and maintain a conversation with her and actually treat her like a human being. She met him at 29 btw... So it was really sad when she explained how, basically, it wasn't until she was 29 years old when she had a guy in her life who can actually talk to her and not look at her as just a piece of meat.
This is amazing. Really gives us "ugly" guys a chance.
I've never been told I'm attractive, but I haven't been told I'm ugly either.
However, I don't think I'm much to look at, but I also know that we are our own worst judge.
I guess "fake" people and beautiful people are not always the same, but the NEGATIVE stereotype weighs heavy on a lot of people, so they either feel they are out of their league, or that they would be fake, use you, etc.
We should really stop thinking that way, damn it.
And you know what? Looks aren't everything, personality, in my genuine opinion, is a much more important thing.
I've been told I'm attractive/fit and believe I am, but I also have crippling social anxiety. I've asked out 5 people in person in my life; I'm 0/5. I've never been approached. I'm going to die fit, attractive, and alone 
You gotta just talk to people, a couple at first, and slowly get more friends, and slowly your confidence will rise. I had crippling anxiety to the point where I couldn't even talk to someone without stuttering every sentence and looking weird.
It gets better man, just focus on one person at a time. Also 0/5 is really not bad at all, my friend is always described at "attractive, funny and outgoing" and he's 0/11. It's just luck. Keep going bro
you're right of course, but even those five attempts were massive for me, and I'm 35 years old. People say just keep trying, but then tell you about another attractive, funny, outgoing person that has failed even more. Not too inspiring.
I haven't given up, I'm just so fucking tired of being lonely.
Hear that.
It’s easy to say ‘just go talk to two hundred women’. But, that ignores the reality that each time one of them rejects you, or gives you that ‘ick’ look?
It does damage. A LOT. And it’s cumulative - each piles on top the last.
Sometimes you think that being lonely might just be better than THAT.
This is kind of a weird process of association, but the sentiment fits: I remember a Paul Harrell video where he talked about how easy it is to say, "Go out and spend X amount of money on this," but being easy to say is not the same thing as being easy to *do.*
EDIT: Wording changed for clarity.
You're a braver man than I. I have never asked someone out and the closest I've come to it is write a note but I gave it to someone to give to them. I left my number in the note but never heard back so I don't know if they even received it. I don't sweat it, though. I'm not lonely. I've gone to the movies twice a week by myself for the past two months and I've been loving it.
Would it have made you feel better if I said my other friend who's completely average got it right on his first try? Probably not. Nothing is going to make you feel better. Some people get lucky, some don't. My point was that you miss all the shots you don't take, and more attractive people usually take more shots, so eventually one lands.
You're not gonna get anywhere by asking others to "be inspiring".
Dude says he has crippling social anxiety, are you trying to add more self esteem issues to the mix? If the ppl around him including himself think he's attractive then he's attractive to those ppl. You don't need make this guy doubt his self image.
Was a model for a number of years and have been around a decent amount of attractive people. I’ve found in many cases them being more socially anxious than the average person. I don’t think it’s that they don’t get approached, I think it’s more ppl only wanting them for one thing and it can be harder to forge deeper connections. As a decently attractive guy, I would say it’s harder to form friendships with women bc they end up wanting a romantic relationship and it’s hard to form relationships with men bc they always try to compete with you/see you as competition.
exactly this, you said it much more succinctly than me. it hurts my soul to be seen and pursued for how i appear on the surface yet rejected for who i am on the inside
we really don't choose our appearance, but we do get to control our character. i want to be seen for my character (who i am), not my body (how i look). however i believe that's true for all of us, whether conventionally attractive or not.
If you're being rejected for who you are on the inside, doesn't that mean that you are being seen for your character and people just don't like it?
That doesn't necessarily mean that your character is bad. Maybe the people who you've dated so far were just looking for a different character, like maybe they wanted a submissive type with no strong opinions and that's just not you, and there's no reason to change if that's the case, you just need to find someone who likes your character. But if your character is mean or self-absorbed and that's putting people off, you can do something about that.
I think that's the point. People go for attractive people even if they don't actually like their character, which in turn makes it hard to know who actually likes them for who they are, and thus are worth pursuing.
At least I think this was what the guy above you tried to say, am not attractive.
Yes, I have the same problem even though I'm not attractive. In my case people are not drawn to my looks, but to a sexual image that they form in their mind that is based on me. In any case it sucks
You're exactly right. I'm middle-aged now, but was very attractive when I was younger. Every guy who approached me was the player type that just wanted to hook up, and I'm definitely not the type that was looking for anything casual. I always felt they expected me to act a certain way as well and didn't want to know the real me. My husband was the only guy that really wanted to know the real me, not the version of me that guys thought I should be. You're definitely right about the difficulty forging deeper relationships and jealousy from others. I'm so thankful I met my husband and that we've had a long, happy marriage.
Yea, as a decently attractive woman, this is the case for me. Plus, when you’re often aggressively hit on by people who just want to sleep with you, it can make it hard to notice the more subtle and gradual interest of someone who might actually be interested in a relationship. I have found I’ve sort of defaulted to picking a person from those who have overtly shown interest in me rather than ever picking a person I think I might be compatible with and testing the waters with them.
I kinda disagree. I remember the first time I asked a person out. My legs were shaking. I start sweating for no reason. And I was blushing so hard I might as well have been a strawberry. My heart was going a million miles a minute and every time I saw her it was getting hit by lightning. Man I do NOT miss highschool and puberty at all.
When she said yes it was like I fucking won everything. I thought there is nothing could possibly be better in life and it made me laugh at myself for being so afraid.
Fast forward after by 15yrs.
It blows my mind that there are women I meet that still make me feel that way. I kinda feel bad because when I have been asked out I forget that they might be feeling exactly how I am describing and have turned them down and it's not even that I didn't like them I actually really did....it's because I'm a fucking idiot.
The human way of communicating is such a terrible thing sometimes.
No, I didn't like them the same way as that girl in highschool but I'm not saying I didn't find them insanely attractive. EDIT: It's simply that I wasn't prepared for it to be honest. I dunno if it's the same for women but...I kinda need to be eased into it...you can't just shotgun it point blank in the face....women tell me I'm wrong???
Honestly I didn't see someone that hit me like lightning until a year ago after like 10yrs of women who I found incredibly attractive but just me or them problems.
It just surprised me that I could feel that way again. Feel like I was in highschool again. Too young though I never admitted it to her but I just can't put up with the clubbing/celebrity omg dj is in town chasing crap. I've been clubbing since I was 14 with a fake ID and stopped around 28. I'm just done with the whole let's get smashed and have a blast go out life. In my 30's I'm looking for someone who want to have a connection on top of the attraction.
Yeah, I rarely get asked out by women, but when I do, they always say they thought I was going to be mean, or they thought I was scary or intimidating at first. Makes me wonder about everyone else who might be interested in me, but they will never talk to me because I know exactly how they feel.
Aaahaha, my last fling was with a guy who was stunningly beautiful but always looked really scary. One day I saw him when I was drunk so the lilquid courage basically made me march over and go "hey are you as mean and scary as you look?" :D
He was so flabberghasted!! And no, he is a really warm and kind guy, just one with resting bitch face.
I can‘t count how I often I heard:
*You know what‘s funny, you are actually super nice.*
Okay…?
*Yeah, because I thought you were super stuck up or something. But I really enjoy this.*
Thanks, I guess…
From experience it is the guys who have zero chance and are punching way above their weight that are far too confident around attractive people. It never ends well.
I started my new job and I have already been offered 4 phone numbers from men that are much older than me. They hit me up on Facebook and started to constantly message me. Sometimes I’m worried for my safety.
Not often.
Once it was a coworker and it was obvious that we were both attracted to each other, but it still took months of getting to know each other before anything happened.
One time it happened at work, and technically I can't date clients, like lose my ability to work in my field, but we got in touch again a few months after they stopped coming in. They told me they opened up their marriage and called me handsome several times ...
One time someone commented on what I was drinking on my way to work on a bus
I've only dated a couple of people in my 15+ years of being dating. Tbf I have cycles of depression and I'm pretty socially withdrawn
It may very well be true. Many people have told me im above average looking but attention from the opposite gender is almost 0. Im starting to think they were lying lol.
Though I've lost it over the years, I was considered quite good-looking and a bit of a catch in high school. A problem I found was that I'd try to make friends with a girl, but then it would turn out they were trying to date me. If I didn't reciprocate with feelings, they would then stop wanting to be friends. Not that it happened loads, but a couple times.
I know, boo-hoo poor me, but it was a bit annoying.
Yeah, I imagine it happens much more to women, and probably worse as it would more likely be the guy looking for a sexual conquest, compared to a woman looking for a romantic relationship. (Although of course the opposite can be true in both cases).
I suppose people have in their mind what they are looking for, and if it doesn't materialise, they don't want anything else.
As someone who was invisible to women in my 20s how do you handle all the attention in public? Sometimes the attention can be overwhelming and I miss the days when I could walk and be invisible.
You’d need to poll the people attractive women encountered to assess that.
It’s probably more that the people that have the courage to approach are likely to be the cocky asshole type, or it’s guys that are just objectifying them.
As the plain average looking friend of a few very attractive girl friends, attractive girls get male attention and asked out all the time. Some from equally attractive males and some not as equal. it always surprised me how some guys always fancied their shot when they were punching way above their weight look wise. As the plain average friend I would assess them to be on my par but you did not even exist to them.
I was beautiful when I was young and I got asked out by men constantly but was so lonely because could never make female friends and other women hated me
I am not saying that I am very attractive but I am okay, I guess. People (that don't know me) have told me that I have a resting bitch face. It is not a comment that people who know me give me. I think it is a form of reflection, people think I am unapproachable.
I do agree with the principle but I prefer to think of this in terms of
"you should look at the other person's inner beauty as well"
it may be my impression but the way you said it made it sound to me as
"even if you are obese I'm sure you just need confidence to land that model you are attracted to",
which just sounds like an attractive person being condescending
Yea I'm chubby guy... nd I do feel it's no way I can get nice looking women even the ones who gives me the look that they're interested, still I don't have enough confidence to approach...
In theory, less attractive people would be more likely to ask them out as they can take the rejection if they so no, as they’re not expecting them to say yes anyway - nothing to lose so worth a punt, you never know.
Equally or more attractive people have more to lose (and would be wary as a result) as a rejection risks damaging their ego/self-confidence, as they thought they were on the same level of attractiveness, or higher.
it’s the opposite for me, i get approached a lot but keep pushing people away out of fear. im a fairly attractive woman and have been experimenting with my style lately, but i grew up as an ugly duckling. i’m scared to react to any attention other than being polite and platonic because i just don’t know how to handle it. i love it when my friends acknowledge the effort i put into my appearance, but when strangers just start to approach me out of nowhere i always get scared they have bad intentions. i know this is stupid and it’s how attraction works 99.9% of the time, but i don’t *just* want to be wanted because of my looks. i also had a rejection turn a bit violent recently, and now i’m scared to even make friends. i wish people would just treat everyone the same. attractive people aren’t sex objects that are openly available to anyone who sees them, and unattractive people aren’t automatically boring/creepy/lazy just because they look a certain way. people fucking suck.
That's how it starts. You see someone you like. You either approach or think about how it sucks that you can't for some imaginary reason.
It's always the looks at first. Maybe not the face or the body, maybe it's the expression. Or how the person moves. Those are heavy hitters for me. I just heavily reflected on myself from your post. Your last sentence did it. Quit that.
I like a nice ass because it tells me she isn't lazy. Then there's an imperfect nose. Don't ask. I just like that. Sporty? Excellent, we got a thing in common. So by that every girl with a busted nose should feel like a sex object? Every athlete? No. But it turns me on. So now I wanna know more about her. Which ultimately will lead to talking, walking and sex. More? Don't know but why should you and I deny the truth? We all want and need to bang.
I've been a virgin due to parental fuck ups for so long. I grew as a pretty boy with a delusion that I'm fugly, stupid and all things horrible. Girls looked scared so I thought it's me being weird or smelly or ugly. Occasionally a popular girl would all of a sudden spread rumours that I'm gay.
So I just observed and learned the body language, vibes and how they communicate. Until I unknowgly became good at it.
Suddenly hit late 20s and I'm overwhelmed. Getting hit on by the entire department regardless of their relationship status. Know what? It angered me. Like you, I felt like nothing but a boytoy. Then it made me sad. Then I didn't know what to do. Then I fumbled one by impersonating that insecure ugly, stupid persona I thought I was. Hurt me pretty bad.
Now I'm a robot who does nothing but work and gets unreasonable amounts of attention. Only now at the age of 31 I'm considering opening up. Only now that I have great body am I learning there's more to it than that. Never was fat, more on a skinny side.
But it helped. Me thinking I ain't shit made me work on everything so hard. I never knew I read so much, never knew I've done so much. Never knew I'm great at telling stories, that I have stories to begin with. Never knew 20km bike + 10km run + workout + physical job is ridiculous.
Thanks for the post. It helped me appreciate it. And so should you. We should enjoy and use what we have going for us. Not feel self righteous. Remember that those people don't even know us. I understand it's not the same, we're different genders. Still, I don't know a single guy that I can talk to about this but my gay friend. He doesn't frown or get petty and jealous while I'm being serious.
This is so interesting for me, a 30 year old guy with the same issues as some of these guys must have.
I never had a chance to annoy someone at a bar with it but this is honestly the first thing that emotionally comes up from my stomach when I see that kind of beyond-hot girls, and it's an incredibly strong feeling.
I mean the "what does it feel like" stuff.
I'm not proud of it at all, the strange thing is I could write a book about all the reasons why this doesn't make sense, how obviously people don't feel the way they look to us, how having constant sexual interest in you has downsides that can bring the same kind of suffering, how this is just an aspect of a whole life full of other wishes, insecurities, pain, issues etc. and once it is not idealized (as some guys do) it is not nearly as fulfilling as it looks to people who lack it.
And yet I think that many of us guys (especially in the latest generations) project onto these girls all our trauma for feeling socially rejected during our teens, and onto that the issues that brought us to feel socially rejected in the first place. Even after years of therapy for how lonely I felt as a teenager, I find myself obsessing about how the pretty girls in my class "where living in a completely different world than mine, were everyone was at their feet", and I have to stop and remind myself of what life is really like beyond our emotional responses.
I am sorry that you had so many people like me regurgitate their issues onto you. I will try to remember this comment if I find myself drunk speaking to a gorgeous girl.
Also thank you for sharing, very interesting for me as it really called out an issue that is plaguing me and it was great to vent, and your comment is actually pretty helpful for people with these issues to humanize girls that feel like a living embodiment of their life's dissatisfaction.
Yes. Also like 20% of other guys try to mog me/bitch me down/ pick a fight constantly, I’m assuming I make them feel some inadequacy or something and they hate me for it.
I've been told I'm attractive and also believe I am. My previous relationship lasted for about two years. And she confessed that she really wanted to show me off. During our relationship she felt intimidated and eventually broke down crying because she thought I had hidden standards for her and she couldn't keep up because she was losing herself. I told her many times I loved her for who she was and that she was beautiful, but it felt so lonely as if she didn't want to know the real me and I was just a prize. I'm sorry reading this back really feels cocky and cringe.
The older I get now 36 the harder it is to connect to people. In my 20s I was more out and about and would love the attention for all the superficial reasons. But now I just want someone to take care off / for. I don't really go out a lot and don't like it when people approach you just because of physical attraction. But I understand that that's the first step into getting to know someone new. Definitely getting a dog or cat next year.
Well to add one last thing. I also yearn for a deeper connection because I don't have any family. I have a lot of friends but I would have loved a house where I could go home to for unconditional love. It's just something people can read of you just by appearance.
I see two schools of thought here on reddit: attractive people have every advantage (more friends, more prospective quality partners, better jobs, etc) in the world and attractive people are intimidating and therefor are lonely.
I mean both can be true at the same time. Also if you are a woman it can be scary in regards to safety for the same reason you don't try to go down the street in expensive clothes. I have also heard if you don't want to look "inappropriate" or for other people to assume you are *like that*, you are going to have to put in more work and not do or wear certain things.
while i (25F) have a hard time seeing it, apparently men find me physically attractive
the loneliness i experience comes from being seen and wanted for how i appear physically but not who i am as a person inside. im a very reserved and shy person so that's already a social barrier for me, but even when i do allow myself to try to get involved with someone, i often find they only were interested and pursued me because of my body and how i look. they sometimes tell me they love me and want to be serious after a short time without fully knowing me. then, as they get to know me more and meet the full picture, the three-dimensional, not "perfect" character that lives inside this "perfect" body, they stop liking me the same way and shit falls apart (note: perfection is fake, and i would never call myself that nor do i aspire to reach perfection, im using others' words here)
it's hard to feel like im only seen by others for such a shallow reason as how i look. i am a soul *inside* my body, i am not my body, i am much more than that, but often not seen beyond that.
i want someone to get to know *me*, not my body. i want someone to love *me*, the one here on the inside, not the one outside
it's especially frustrating for me having recovered from a nasty eating disorder as a teen and learning that there's so many more important things about me than my weight or how i look, which was really hard lesson that took years to learn. it hurts that i fought so hard within myself to treat myself as more than just my body just for the world around me to do the opposite
My younger self could have written this post. I experienced everything you said here when I was your age (45 now). I hope it helps to know I did find that person who wanted me for me. I'm wishing for you to find your person also.
As someone who didn't experience this, my first thought would be that for someone to know you on the inside all it takes in practice is that initial superficial attraction, so that they can know you and THEN know the real you slowly.
Everyone wants to be known for who they are but most people find that initial step the hardest and in many cases it's a default disqualification. Only after that you can know someone and find out if you really like each other.
I'm just sharing a different perspective on how I would appreciate a "free pass" in that phase of a relationship.
I do see a problem with the fact that you skip the whole phase in which average-looking people find/develop at least a little bit of something in common or likeable about their attitude before becoming the target of romantic feelings.
A very hot girl could easily be seriously pursued by someone even if they would hate each other in 5 minutes if they had met in the dark.
I see that you told the other commenter that you don't want advice but for the sake of any attractive reader with your same problems, I want to point out that as he said being the active seeker eliminates this problem entirely, as you could go after someone that you think you might find a connection with, enjoy your beauty giving you a good chance in the approach phase and then you are straight to the point of truly knowing a person like everyone else, but without the bias of it being someone who only saw you looking good from afar. It's not granted that you will actually like each other, but the only way is to try, and in that way I think you can play your advantage to the best.
I had no idea how attractive I was until I met my wife. Never had any woman approach me, girls in school would always laugh or be awkward, which i thought it was me being awkward. Through my wife and her mom I have a lot of 10/10 qualities in both appearances and character. Had no clue
No its not true..
It’s actually the opposite, I’ve always been attractive and people always want to be my friend, help me with stuff ask me out etc
Im a super introvert so I hate it a lot
My wife asked me out, because she was worried I wasn’t going to ask her. She was right, I thought she was way out of my league. Married almost 30 years now. I still don’t understand how lucky I am.
I’ve had a couple men tell me this but they also thought I wouldn’t be interested in them either. I think it’s unfair to make such a strong judgement based on my looks. I’m more than my looks.
I have asked out three men in my life because I genuinely liked them. Luckily they did reciprocate and i wasn’t turned down. I wouldn’t say that makes me attractive more that I don’t find it nerve wrecking to ask a guy out if I am into them. I want them to know I like them as well and will give hints galore and if that don’t go through their head i tell them with no expectations. I just think the greatest compliment anyone can get is from someone telling them they liked who they are, their thoughts, personality even if nothing results from it.
Well i definitely don’t approach hot guys because i assume they’re players and all cheat on me eventually. I guess that’s discriminatory against good looking men, and i do feel guilty. But i just can’t take the risk.
Tales from old age: the ugly ones cheat, too. Goes for all.manmer of humans. Date someone for who they are. None of us control what we are born looking like. But our character is our own to develop and that shows through.
I grew up ugly but recently went through a glow up and it's not really true for me.
The best way I could describe my before situation is that I felt invisible. Nobody would really notice me and people would be super quick to forget me. I would "meet" the same people like 10 times.
Now, people actively come up to me, they want to talk to me. It's easier to hold onto conversations because they find you more interesting. It's so much easier.
Not even close to true. This is an excuse some people tell themselves to justify why it isn't their fault they're single. Kind of like "they're only mean to you because they're jealous." Nope, it's a lie you tell yourself to feel better.
Physical attractiveness is only helpful in getting dates. It's always going to increase your options.
It's also not the *only* thing that's important, and it's not even the most important thing. WAY more important is the ability to flirt well. If you're flirting, people will get crushes on you and ask you out. The more attractive you are, the more flirting will help - attractiveness is only ever an advantage - but it's not as big an advantage as the ability to make social connections with people.
If you're standing around doing nothing and waiting for people to walk up and ask you out... maybe once in a while someone will make all the effort if you're extremely attractive, versus never if you're not. But an average-looking flirty person will probably have a much more successful romantic life than a socially awkward model. (And anyone who has flirtation skills AND beauty will an absolute monster in the dating world.)
Attractiveness only helps, but social skills and flirtiness help much more. Attractiveness doesn't always overcome a lack of those skills. If you're standing around waiting for people to approach you, you're gonna meet way less people than an outgoing person who makes connections and flirts.
Moderately attractive, I think I’m lonely cause I overestimate my worth along with being narcissistic and delusional. Also probably the reason why the attractive ladies turn me down, but hey, that’s one person telling you it’s not cause people are scared to approach others. 😂
I am old now and married for a long time, but yes. I heard this often. Other women thought I was snobby (in reality, I was shy), and men were intimidated.
This is true from my experiences. Others seem to have to take time to process the initial emotional reactions that my appearances may invoke inside them. It takes heaps of patience for me to sieve people. I am lonely as a result.
I think I'm fairly decent to look at (little more chubby then I wanna be but oh well!) But I don't have a hard time with guys. I have a very loving/caring nature so guys usually shoot their shot with me as I believe I give off the impression I won't be mean even in rejection, which is of course true!
Eh, I have been having a different sort of problem lately. Moved to a new city and every attempt to making friends is not going well because they keep asking me out. I honestly just want to have friends that don't want to fuck me.
I'm not a 10 so, maybe that helps. I have not had a problem with people coming up to me. I do have to ask some of them to keep their hands to themselves.
I'm not lonely most times. But I've had a lot of people try to ask me out or just try convincing me to have sex with them only as an ego boost for themselves, like I guess they think that if they can get me to agree means they are The Man and would be able to get any girl! The two I did agree to go out with turned out to be real assholes and one would constantly try to "knock me down a peg coz I deserved it"
Yes and no, I've had girls tell me they're not interested because I probably have like 5 others on the side when in reality I was interested in them and only them, but then I've had girls throw themselves at me and do anything they can for my attention, it just depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of people you're around really
I feel like I'm in a unique position to answer this as a guy. Since puberty, I've always struggled with my weight. I also have a facial structure where, if I'm thin, I'm quite attractive - I have had women say that I was a more-handsome Ben Affleck. But, once I put on weight, I'm not very appealing - like, if I talk to a woman, the first sentence out of her mouth is about her boyfriend.
I'd say it's not true. When I am thin, women are bold about approaching me. I've had women in bars try to convince me to meet them in the bathroom. I've been grabbed a lot. Even just sitting at the bar, looking at my phone. I'll finally look up and have a woman sitting on either side of me, wanting to chat
When I'm fat, I'm invisible. No dates. If I compliment a woman, I can see that she is uncomfortable with the idea that I might ask her out.
You would think that would be enough for me to make sure I'm always in good shape, but it's hard for me. I'm fat now, and lonely. I've almost reached the point where I need to focus and get back in shape. I'm tired of the cycle, but have never been able to make fitness stick.
I think it could be more lonely, but not because people are intimidated. If you're drop dead gorgeous, you're inevitably going to attract more people who mostly want beauty in their partner rather than deep true love. I imagine you could start feeling pretty lonely after a few failed relationships that start out well but end up being obvious that they aren't interested in you as a person.
I'm told I'm attractive and I receive compliments regularly. (Last week a stranger told me I'm gorgeous and look like Gal Gadot) I was single through most of high school until I asked out my high school boyfriend. After we broke up I was single for years. I didn't understand why guys weren't interested in me. I never got asked out. All my friends had boyfriends. It was very lonely. My husband is only the second guy I dated.
That's why I'm glad I have a dash of ugly. I'm handsome enough that women don't mind being seen with me and ugly enough to where I don't steal the show (unless I got that drip on 😉)
I don’t know.. I get told I’m attractive a lot, but I’m desperately lonely.. and I honestly don’t know if I am genuinely attractive or if I’m fuck ugly and people are just being nice.
Ps: I’m a guy, so can’t really figure it out lol
Unfortunately for a guy being attractive is worthless unless you are able to open up with women and start interactions.
It sucks that we don't get to be passive and still be approached but the good thing is that once you accept the fact that girls are lonely too and would like a normal guy just like you would like a normal girl, it becomes a whole different, much more enjoyable game.
I think that attractiveness is intimidating,it causes uncertainty and fear.
Someone who is genuinely interested in you will always find it hard to approach you.
It provokes both physiological and psychological stimulation. Both heart rate and brain function.
Because it's scary, beauty also stirs up jealousy, specifically in the workplace.
Because it's noticeable, it attracts dirty looks and disparaging remarks.
There's always someone after you.
Someone who wants to take your place, or who's waiting for you to have a moment of inattention to take advantage of your weaknesses. Someone inventing things about you(starts very early in fact).
Thats why attractive people tend to live quietly, and are mostly loners..
They learn through experience to not overshare and keep control of everything by selecting wisely and carefully who enters it.
Idk if being a gay guy makes this situation different because dynamics are different with men and women than they are between men and men.
But I always have to ask people out. I’ve been told I’m handsome. I’m not a model or absolute stud but I never get approached and always have to ask out other men.
But how I feel about my looks makes me feel more confident when approaching someone to ask out.
Not sure on my attractiveness but I have never ever had a woman approach me. I always have been the one to do the asking. I never got a no, and now I'm married.
I think it's true for some people. I was never THAT attractive. I was cute (when I was young) and more approachable than, say, a drop-dead gorgeous woman.
GenX male here. I had no idea that women “wanted me”. I found out at grad reunions and party’s. I wish I wasn’t so shy back then. I’m still single but I’ve had a lot of fun.
Yeah, not many people approach me, i notice when im walking about lots of girls stare an sometimes point an gossip with their friends an laugh
Wait a minute.......?
Who says this? I’d imagine they’d be lonely for the opposite reason. I guarantee attractive people get hit on, approached, and more attention in general than non attractive people. But that is likely isolating for different reasons. When you get that kind of attention, you tend to set your standards pretty high, which makes it more challenging to make normal compromises, or find someone who ticks all the boxes.
Sometimes. Also a lot of people who do express interest in you are only interested in how you look not who you are.
People are pretty superficial and if you don’t know what to look out for you’ll absolutely be taken advantage of
I never got to talk about this with anyone so excuse me for the very long rant coming up...
Because of my school being only for females, and my later interest in art and humanistic studies, I haven't had many opportunities to interact with the opposite sex. And since the very few times I did I only seemed to attract weird creepy guys (who ended up harassing me), I always felt kinda ugly and like a complete loser, leading to me isolating.
Over a year ago, I decided to try something different, though, and traveled abroad. I studied English in a language school, and for the first time in years got to interact with people my age again.
To my surprise, I became kinda popular in that school, particularly with guys... As I made a lot of male friends there. Though the attention was weird, sometimes I loved it, sometimes I hated it, and my emotions and self steam were so messed up. In one hand, I was being complimented every single day by multiple students about how "outstandingly beautiful" I was, what a "nice personality" I had, how much I "shined", how smart, kind, admirable blah blah... Yet on the other hand (in my perspective back then), I was being completely ignored by them, as they would never initiate any interaction or invite me to hung out with them despite "enjoying my company" Some stayed far away, just looking at me, but not even saying hi during all those months, confusing me quite a lot. Basically, knowing I was well liked and still feeling lonely on a daily basis.
Additionally, the guy that confessed to me and that I ended up dating for two months, under the excuse "everyone will hate me for dating you", would go out of his way to hide our relationship, making me think he was actually embarrassed of me... And he was not particularly handsome, or funny, or even kind to me... but I was 28, I desperatelly wanted to experience falling in love, and genuinely thought he was the best guy someone like me could get... As a result, everything rapidly became super toxic. He wouldn't admit it but he was so jealous and bossy... Specially after some time when I told him I wanted to start sharing about us to a few close friends, and we got nothing but disbelief looks for him and lots of "why him?" directed to me, sometimes even in his presence... After that, he went back to avoiding the topic, which is understandable, but also becoming extremely competitive and manipulative with me in every single opportunity he had. It was my first time dating and I didn't know how to deal with all of that either. Even if I thought about breaking up many times, I couldn't manage to cause I felt sorry... he cried before in front of me for saying I always made him feel inferior. I didn't really liked him after all, but it broke my heart seeing him hating on himself and didn't want to make it worse by confirming it, so I deal with his mistreatment til the end. Though, that, along with all the mixed signals received from others students, left me even more vulnerable, to the point of being ridiculous and not eating or drinking anything at school for two weeks just to hide myself under a facemask all day.
Now, back to my country, and around 18 months later, I healed a lot, and I still keep in touch with my friends, who supported me during that complicated relationship and my post-trip depression, along with a bunch of other students I met there, even those I didn't get to talk to at that time.
MANY of them told me they wanted to interact with me more but couldn't bring themselves to do so... Some even confessed being attracted to me, maybe around 20 of them?? And I don't know how to feel about it honestly... like it makes me happy, a bit? But it's just so frustrating as I think how everything could have been different! Low-key, I can't help resenting them... it's not fair, I know, cause I was also very shy and insecure, but... why? Why now? Just because we are living miles apart, and it's easier?
This month in particular, I got one confession and two diferent insinuations of someone liking me. And between them, one coming from the coolest guy and first crush I got there! Who even dare to ask me on our last video-call "why didn't you date me instead?" Like excuse?? How would I have known you were interested in me if you never told me!? Fair enough, it seems girls don't take him seriously either cause he's too handsome and even I, who was very close friends with him, assumed he should be a player...
Well, I guess, lesson learned, loving myself a bit more (maybe therapy), and taking the initiative instead of waiting for decent guys to aproach me. Though I need to work on raising the bar before trying dating again.
As a guy, I did not have to apply much effort as the women came automatically. Had a blast between 20-30. Now 32, married for 2 years and only want attention from one person. No arrogance, just honesty. Those one night stands or hookups always feel more empty as you grow older.
As a woman (which i'm not) it seems like a burden sometimes. Every guy thinks you're arrogant or something else. Difficult times for the women.
I'm objectively attractive & autistic. I don't socialize the way I look like I should, and it's real confusing to the general public and can be pretty isolating for me.
>People say attractive people are often lonely or not in relationships because it's scary/hard/intimidating to ask such a person out, or people assume they're already in a relationship, etc.
You know a common story how a girl say or post something like "I am so lonely, why noone is asking me out"? The point of it is that a specific person she thinks of OR a general group of attractive, popular or rich men are not asking her out. Many of attractive girls don't consider unsuccessful, ugly or poor men to be people at all, so if those men would ask them out they could become straight up offended.
That's the answer to your question. Some of them are lonely because RIGHT people are not approaching them. Think about it if you would be a nuclear engineer with 20 years of experience and you would only get job offers to be a cashier or genitor - you would say that you are not getting any job offers too.
That's not true, my uncle was a very attractive man in his youth and he's always said that he never had to chase women because they came to him.
His first wife was rich too and he was broke which is also something that supposedly never happens.
I'm not Henry Cavill or anything, but I've had a similar dating profile to that.
I'm usually chased when it comes to relationships and dated a woman earning over 100k a year while I was still in the early phase of my career. We only broke up due to her wanting children when I wasn't ready.
So yeah, definitely not like we don't exist lol.
That's why I said "almost". Isn't that a social norm that MEN are asking women out, not the other way around? I am not saying that I support or don't support that, but isn't that how the things are? Like, for example how often do you see women paying for men in a restaurant?
With regards to dating sure but also many other aspects of life in general...jobs, friendships and certain kinds of opportunities that you come to find out are not that normal. I could go on and on but you'd have to be more specific
To some extent yes. Highly physically attractive women such as some of my family members and friends can be lonely because men will be too intimidated to approach them, and there will be the wrong attention, too, as well as men just focusing on their looks too much and failing to consider personality. Highly physically or otherwise attractive men can be theoretically attractive to women but practically avoided, even turned down when you approach someone, because you're too intimidating, she fears she's going to lose you, or she wants to be the prettier one in /prize of the relationship, or she believes handsome men come with evil character traits (which, chances are, she doesn't really believe but tells herself that to alleviate the pain of anticipated rejection). Some women want their men to compete intensely for them, and from an attractive man that can be less forthcoming. Also women who are attracted to you but don't want to be end up acting in strange ways, including a lot of push & pull; she rejects you, ends up hitting on you hours after. Or she makes your life miserable by taking pot shots at you. It's different when you're attractive versus when you are not (I have experience of both), but it's not uniformly easy.
Kind of. People tell me I can be intimidating with the looks and all that. At the same time it's quite easy to charm people. I really need validation all the time it's fucking tiring sometimes.
I've been told I'm attractive by a few people that I find very attractive and I'm lonely but it's because I'm emotionally unavailable more than anything else.
Also, people don't really hit on me, which sucks but I know that if I decide to hit on someone then we'll probably end up hooking up.
Still lonely the next day though.
I’ve always disagreed with this idea that people are unapproachable because of their attractiveness , just saying , more than anything and there’s always an exception but very attractive people can be very vacuous and self obsessed so aren’t worthy of wasting one’s time
I think it might depends on your level of attractiveness. I’m not a model but I’ve often been told that I was good looking and I never had to do the first step with someone so it has always been pretty easy for me to get in a relationship. But I once met a woman who was really really gorgeous and even as a straight woman, I had a hard time staying focus while taking to her. She made me nervous aha
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If this is the case I am the hottest mf in this planet
I'm the second hottest mf after this guy!
I'd agree with you - but I'm too intimated to talk to you
"If peeing your pants is cool, then I'm Miles Davis" Billy Madison
mF gen tall man
No, my girlfriend is gorgeous and she gets hit on CONSTANTLY by other guys and girls right in front of me. Its ridiculous and relentless. However, I learned that gorgeous women actually have a hard time making a decision regarding a bf because when you can have anyone, how to you know what is the right decision. Everyday there is a new suitor trying to get in your pants. Its overwhelming and they deal with so many aggressive or manipulative guys, it makes it hard to trust the men that come into their lives. I think that can develop a certain sad mindset that hurts intimacy.
>makes it hard to trust the men that come into their lives. I think that can develop a certain sad mindset that hurts intimacy My current gf in a nutshell. She's extremely stunning and gets constantly hit on, has been sexually assaulted and harrassed and more. I try to be a rock for her but there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said and broken before for her and it makes her cry because she knows I live up to it but hearing it again just brings up the horror for her.
Omg I feel for her and understand her. I’ve been sexually assaulted and I’m so scared to share that with someone. I feel like no guy will understand and will just leave. I also feel broken like eventually I cannot be intimate with anyone.
I think my mom was sexually assaulted as a kid by her uncle. I think it's why I'm scared to approach women, I'm scared of triggering them somehow (in addition to the normal nervousness). I don't really know why I feel that way, I guess somehow I internalized to always leave women alone from something in her behavior. Anyways that's not really relevant to what happened to you, but I'm sorry it did. I hope you can find someone to open up to and trust in the future. I really don't think most men would count it against you, but I do understand it making you feel fragile.
attractive woman here and i agree, i’ve had such a hard time forming friendships lately, let alone relationships. i feel like people (men from my experience, i’m bi but women don’t really approach me) feel so entitled to sex and attention from attractive people, it’s really upsetting. i had a couple bad experiences lately and i’m starting to get really scared of interacting with strangers that approach me, even if they’re being courteous and polite. the worst part is that i’ve been single for a while and really want a new relationship, which just makes me even more overwhelmed and confused about how to handle things. i wouldn’t describe myself as lonely since i’m lucky to have good friends right now, but when it comes to dating i’m a mess.
I worked with a woman a while ago who was one of the top ten best looking people I’ve ever met. For the first three months I thought she was SUPER unfriendly. I’m jolly and always have a kind word and a smile for everybody, and I actually asked another person if I had done something to offend this person and didn’t know what. Then one day it was like someone flipped a switch. She was bubbly and funny and smiling at me. It took about a month of good conversations and lunch with a group before I asked her about it. She said, “Oh, I just have to be really careful. I didn’t know if you were safe. Then one day I saw how much you love your wife when you were talking about her. And I figured I didn’t have to put on my bitchy armor with you anymore.” THAT made me realize just how real the pretty girl caution is.
I feel like there could be middle ground between super unfriendly and careful.
There might be, but I’m not an extremely attractive woman, so I don’t really know, and unless you are, you don’t really know either.
There’s really not. Anymore, you have to make yourself straight up unappealing if you look good, because some people are so aggressive with their approach, refuse to take no for an answer, or sometimes it’s just flat out a risk to a woman’s life to refuse the wrong man, so it really is safer to just be awful until you know that person doesn’t want something from you. Or rather, doesn’t want something and will take it from you whether you give it to them or not.
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Yeah, I’m considered pretty but I’m not a “typical girl” (I have a very niche ethnic background) and my hot blonde friends get so many guys trying to fuck them but who also think they’re dumb(?) it grinds my gears. Most people assume I’m smart and men don’t really fuck with me even though I look 17 - I’m 30! I’m just short and slender with a baby face. But because I’m dark complexion people don’t assume I’m delicate or femme. I’ve had guys surprised that I’m “actually hot” when they hook up with me, lol.
It happened to me in my last relationship, and I'm kinda average to be fair.
I've see many attractive women get hit on by the wrong kind of men all the time. many a-hats. it's got to be difficult for women to get through all the B.S to find that good guy..
I used to think that, but now I think it's because I have a resting bitch face.
I used to think I am ugly, for not being talked to by male classmates. But now I know it is the expressless face/RBF
What made you realise that?
My highschool best friend told me that when I asked (a year ago) if she had an idea about it. And other events and self realizations.
This lmfao😭 friends still tell me otherwise but I 100% believe its just the resting bitch face and the whole socially awkward and unapproachable demeanour I've got going on.
This is it. It mainly applies to women. 1.) Resting bitch face = not her fault 2.) Crazy:Hot ratio exceeded and she's lying about it by saying people are intimidated to approach her. Go to talk to the ex-boyfriends and chances are she lit their car on fire for not liking her latest Insta spread.
Resting bitch face sometimes hides the Crazy Hot. I know because I was always drawn to the most incandescent RBF in the room like a moth to a flame. This would backfire more often than not once the crazy took over. I'm better now, I still notice notice the RBF but force myself to divert attention 30 degrees or so over to her somewhat mousy friend or aquaintance. My life is now much calmer😂
Missus is stunning. I look like Bigfoot. She said yes before I finished asking her out. Our one night stand is going on 36 years now. In conversation she once said she knew she had to go after what she wanted as she was attracting the wrong kind of guys...players... So she did. Sounds odd but much truth in it. I have grand kids now... like winning the lottery every weekend.
You were just lucky she wanted Bigfoot and you happened to be there. Jammy bastard!
All this. My friends pointed out that it was near Halloween when we met so maybe she thought I was in disguise.
People have been looking for you for years mate. She's just the one who finally found him. Big foots been found!! Glad you are happy 😊
I knew a dude who proclaimed himself as a goblin mutant while his wife was absolutely gorgeous (like she can be a movie star). She said the same thing; she kept physically attracting the wrong guys (players, guys who want only sex/one night stand, FwB seekers, etc). Dude was the first (and only) guy who can actually have and maintain a conversation with her and actually treat her like a human being. She met him at 29 btw... So it was really sad when she explained how, basically, it wasn't until she was 29 years old when she had a guy in her life who can actually talk to her and not look at her as just a piece of meat.
This obviously is not true, of course she has met people in 29 years that she can have a platonic conversation with
This really instilled some faith for me, I love to hear a man doting after his woman/their life. Thank you for sharing!
This is amazing. Really gives us "ugly" guys a chance. I've never been told I'm attractive, but I haven't been told I'm ugly either. However, I don't think I'm much to look at, but I also know that we are our own worst judge. I guess "fake" people and beautiful people are not always the same, but the NEGATIVE stereotype weighs heavy on a lot of people, so they either feel they are out of their league, or that they would be fake, use you, etc. We should really stop thinking that way, damn it. And you know what? Looks aren't everything, personality, in my genuine opinion, is a much more important thing.
He's not ugly, he's just blurry and hard to capture on camera.
I've been told I'm attractive/fit and believe I am, but I also have crippling social anxiety. I've asked out 5 people in person in my life; I'm 0/5. I've never been approached. I'm going to die fit, attractive, and alone 
You gotta just talk to people, a couple at first, and slowly get more friends, and slowly your confidence will rise. I had crippling anxiety to the point where I couldn't even talk to someone without stuttering every sentence and looking weird. It gets better man, just focus on one person at a time. Also 0/5 is really not bad at all, my friend is always described at "attractive, funny and outgoing" and he's 0/11. It's just luck. Keep going bro
you're right of course, but even those five attempts were massive for me, and I'm 35 years old. People say just keep trying, but then tell you about another attractive, funny, outgoing person that has failed even more. Not too inspiring. I haven't given up, I'm just so fucking tired of being lonely.
Hear that. It’s easy to say ‘just go talk to two hundred women’. But, that ignores the reality that each time one of them rejects you, or gives you that ‘ick’ look? It does damage. A LOT. And it’s cumulative - each piles on top the last. Sometimes you think that being lonely might just be better than THAT.
This is kind of a weird process of association, but the sentiment fits: I remember a Paul Harrell video where he talked about how easy it is to say, "Go out and spend X amount of money on this," but being easy to say is not the same thing as being easy to *do.* EDIT: Wording changed for clarity.
Why is the idea that being turned down by women over and over again does emotional damage ‘weird’? It’s common sense.
I have to say I would bet a lot of money that a Paul Harrell video would not be mentioned in this thread.
To be fair, I'm the one that mentioned it and I would still make that bet lol
That's fair.
You're a braver man than I. I have never asked someone out and the closest I've come to it is write a note but I gave it to someone to give to them. I left my number in the note but never heard back so I don't know if they even received it. I don't sweat it, though. I'm not lonely. I've gone to the movies twice a week by myself for the past two months and I've been loving it.
Have you tried online dating? Obviously it has its own issues but I’ve found it reduces the pressure of asking someone out to their face.
Would it have made you feel better if I said my other friend who's completely average got it right on his first try? Probably not. Nothing is going to make you feel better. Some people get lucky, some don't. My point was that you miss all the shots you don't take, and more attractive people usually take more shots, so eventually one lands. You're not gonna get anywhere by asking others to "be inspiring".
I wasn’t asking you to be inspiring, just expressing how I feel. I’m sorry if I sounded unappreciative of your advice; I agreed with you.
Nah it's alright, I'm just being a twat because its 11pm. Good luck with everything mate
Amen, I totally feel this, especially at 33.
You could try going to some place with a language barrier. That way they won't know how awkward you are.
Haha are you me? Im 0/5 also. Women tell me im attractive, nice body, handsome, sweet and funny. Yet i always get fake numbers or ghosted.
That's the spirit
Wonder why they said no to you..
I would get hella suspucious if an attractive person™ asked me out.
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Dude says he has crippling social anxiety, are you trying to add more self esteem issues to the mix? If the ppl around him including himself think he's attractive then he's attractive to those ppl. You don't need make this guy doubt his self image.
Apologies. Deleted my comment. I actually brushed over the entire comment and didn’t read it fully and went straight to the responses
Lol I relate to this🫡
Was a model for a number of years and have been around a decent amount of attractive people. I’ve found in many cases them being more socially anxious than the average person. I don’t think it’s that they don’t get approached, I think it’s more ppl only wanting them for one thing and it can be harder to forge deeper connections. As a decently attractive guy, I would say it’s harder to form friendships with women bc they end up wanting a romantic relationship and it’s hard to form relationships with men bc they always try to compete with you/see you as competition.
Am an attractive woman and this has also been my exact experience with man & women (but the inverse)
exactly this, you said it much more succinctly than me. it hurts my soul to be seen and pursued for how i appear on the surface yet rejected for who i am on the inside we really don't choose our appearance, but we do get to control our character. i want to be seen for my character (who i am), not my body (how i look). however i believe that's true for all of us, whether conventionally attractive or not.
If you're being rejected for who you are on the inside, doesn't that mean that you are being seen for your character and people just don't like it? That doesn't necessarily mean that your character is bad. Maybe the people who you've dated so far were just looking for a different character, like maybe they wanted a submissive type with no strong opinions and that's just not you, and there's no reason to change if that's the case, you just need to find someone who likes your character. But if your character is mean or self-absorbed and that's putting people off, you can do something about that.
I think that's the point. People go for attractive people even if they don't actually like their character, which in turn makes it hard to know who actually likes them for who they are, and thus are worth pursuing. At least I think this was what the guy above you tried to say, am not attractive.
Yes, I have the same problem even though I'm not attractive. In my case people are not drawn to my looks, but to a sexual image that they form in their mind that is based on me. In any case it sucks
You're exactly right. I'm middle-aged now, but was very attractive when I was younger. Every guy who approached me was the player type that just wanted to hook up, and I'm definitely not the type that was looking for anything casual. I always felt they expected me to act a certain way as well and didn't want to know the real me. My husband was the only guy that really wanted to know the real me, not the version of me that guys thought I should be. You're definitely right about the difficulty forging deeper relationships and jealousy from others. I'm so thankful I met my husband and that we've had a long, happy marriage.
Yea, as a decently attractive woman, this is the case for me. Plus, when you’re often aggressively hit on by people who just want to sleep with you, it can make it hard to notice the more subtle and gradual interest of someone who might actually be interested in a relationship. I have found I’ve sort of defaulted to picking a person from those who have overtly shown interest in me rather than ever picking a person I think I might be compatible with and testing the waters with them.
It would be fascinating to see a study done on levels of social anxiety against attractiveness. This is a very interesting observation.
hit the nail on the head, that’s the experience for sure.
You're better off if you learn to ask people out yourself. Often the ones brave enough to ask out the super pretty girl are the assholes.
I kinda disagree. I remember the first time I asked a person out. My legs were shaking. I start sweating for no reason. And I was blushing so hard I might as well have been a strawberry. My heart was going a million miles a minute and every time I saw her it was getting hit by lightning. Man I do NOT miss highschool and puberty at all. When she said yes it was like I fucking won everything. I thought there is nothing could possibly be better in life and it made me laugh at myself for being so afraid. Fast forward after by 15yrs. It blows my mind that there are women I meet that still make me feel that way. I kinda feel bad because when I have been asked out I forget that they might be feeling exactly how I am describing and have turned them down and it's not even that I didn't like them I actually really did....it's because I'm a fucking idiot. The human way of communicating is such a terrible thing sometimes.
It's not really human communication in that sense that you identified. It's all the social layers on top.
Wait if you did like them the same way as the first why turn them down other than taken/incompatible/not right moment?
No, I didn't like them the same way as that girl in highschool but I'm not saying I didn't find them insanely attractive. EDIT: It's simply that I wasn't prepared for it to be honest. I dunno if it's the same for women but...I kinda need to be eased into it...you can't just shotgun it point blank in the face....women tell me I'm wrong??? Honestly I didn't see someone that hit me like lightning until a year ago after like 10yrs of women who I found incredibly attractive but just me or them problems. It just surprised me that I could feel that way again. Feel like I was in highschool again. Too young though I never admitted it to her but I just can't put up with the clubbing/celebrity omg dj is in town chasing crap. I've been clubbing since I was 14 with a fake ID and stopped around 28. I'm just done with the whole let's get smashed and have a blast go out life. In my 30's I'm looking for someone who want to have a connection on top of the attraction.
Sorry but what part are you disagreeing with? It sounds like an anecdote, not disagreement.
Yeah, I rarely get asked out by women, but when I do, they always say they thought I was going to be mean, or they thought I was scary or intimidating at first. Makes me wonder about everyone else who might be interested in me, but they will never talk to me because I know exactly how they feel.
Guys not being asked out by women is pretty universal though, nothing to do with ugly/attractive
Hell, most guys don’t even really ask out women
Aaahaha, my last fling was with a guy who was stunningly beautiful but always looked really scary. One day I saw him when I was drunk so the lilquid courage basically made me march over and go "hey are you as mean and scary as you look?" :D He was so flabberghasted!! And no, he is a really warm and kind guy, just one with resting bitch face.
I can‘t count how I often I heard: *You know what‘s funny, you are actually super nice.* Okay…? *Yeah, because I thought you were super stuck up or something. But I really enjoy this.* Thanks, I guess…
From experience it is the guys who have zero chance and are punching way above their weight that are far too confident around attractive people. It never ends well.
I started my new job and I have already been offered 4 phone numbers from men that are much older than me. They hit me up on Facebook and started to constantly message me. Sometimes I’m worried for my safety.
Confidence is the biggest aphrodisiac to some women though
Confidence and overconfidence are two different beasts
Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer
I've been told I'm a really good looking guy, but I'm still too insecure to approach people. If women didn't approach me I'd never date
How often do women approach you? How do they do it? What do they say? Can you give some examples?
Not often. Once it was a coworker and it was obvious that we were both attracted to each other, but it still took months of getting to know each other before anything happened. One time it happened at work, and technically I can't date clients, like lose my ability to work in my field, but we got in touch again a few months after they stopped coming in. They told me they opened up their marriage and called me handsome several times ... One time someone commented on what I was drinking on my way to work on a bus I've only dated a couple of people in my 15+ years of being dating. Tbf I have cycles of depression and I'm pretty socially withdrawn
Im not an expert but I'm guessing it goes like this *Heyy...How you doin?*
It may very well be true. Many people have told me im above average looking but attention from the opposite gender is almost 0. Im starting to think they were lying lol.
Though I've lost it over the years, I was considered quite good-looking and a bit of a catch in high school. A problem I found was that I'd try to make friends with a girl, but then it would turn out they were trying to date me. If I didn't reciprocate with feelings, they would then stop wanting to be friends. Not that it happened loads, but a couple times. I know, boo-hoo poor me, but it was a bit annoying.
this happens a lot to women, but i’ve never really heard it from the opposite perspective. humans can really suck :(
Yeah, I imagine it happens much more to women, and probably worse as it would more likely be the guy looking for a sexual conquest, compared to a woman looking for a romantic relationship. (Although of course the opposite can be true in both cases). I suppose people have in their mind what they are looking for, and if it doesn't materialise, they don't want anything else.
Lost it? You still look hot!
Male perspective: no. Women appear near you / make sure you see them all the time.
As someone who was invisible to women in my 20s how do you handle all the attention in public? Sometimes the attention can be overwhelming and I miss the days when I could walk and be invisible.
i’m a woman but i feel this too, i just want to hang out with my friends at college without strangers interrupting us to try to flirt with me.
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facts.
You’d need to poll the people attractive women encountered to assess that. It’s probably more that the people that have the courage to approach are likely to be the cocky asshole type, or it’s guys that are just objectifying them.
Both of them imo. All insecure guys are intimidated, but all confident guys are hitting on them.
As the plain average looking friend of a few very attractive girl friends, attractive girls get male attention and asked out all the time. Some from equally attractive males and some not as equal. it always surprised me how some guys always fancied their shot when they were punching way above their weight look wise. As the plain average friend I would assess them to be on my par but you did not even exist to them.
I was beautiful when I was young and I got asked out by men constantly but was so lonely because could never make female friends and other women hated me
I am not saying that I am very attractive but I am okay, I guess. People (that don't know me) have told me that I have a resting bitch face. It is not a comment that people who know me give me. I think it is a form of reflection, people think I am unapproachable.
I wish I could answer that question
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I do agree with the principle but I prefer to think of this in terms of "you should look at the other person's inner beauty as well" it may be my impression but the way you said it made it sound to me as "even if you are obese I'm sure you just need confidence to land that model you are attracted to", which just sounds like an attractive person being condescending
Yea I'm chubby guy... nd I do feel it's no way I can get nice looking women even the ones who gives me the look that they're interested, still I don't have enough confidence to approach...
In theory, less attractive people would be more likely to ask them out as they can take the rejection if they so no, as they’re not expecting them to say yes anyway - nothing to lose so worth a punt, you never know. Equally or more attractive people have more to lose (and would be wary as a result) as a rejection risks damaging their ego/self-confidence, as they thought they were on the same level of attractiveness, or higher.
In theory this makes perfect sense. I wish we would feel this way in practice.
it’s the opposite for me, i get approached a lot but keep pushing people away out of fear. im a fairly attractive woman and have been experimenting with my style lately, but i grew up as an ugly duckling. i’m scared to react to any attention other than being polite and platonic because i just don’t know how to handle it. i love it when my friends acknowledge the effort i put into my appearance, but when strangers just start to approach me out of nowhere i always get scared they have bad intentions. i know this is stupid and it’s how attraction works 99.9% of the time, but i don’t *just* want to be wanted because of my looks. i also had a rejection turn a bit violent recently, and now i’m scared to even make friends. i wish people would just treat everyone the same. attractive people aren’t sex objects that are openly available to anyone who sees them, and unattractive people aren’t automatically boring/creepy/lazy just because they look a certain way. people fucking suck.
That's how it starts. You see someone you like. You either approach or think about how it sucks that you can't for some imaginary reason. It's always the looks at first. Maybe not the face or the body, maybe it's the expression. Or how the person moves. Those are heavy hitters for me. I just heavily reflected on myself from your post. Your last sentence did it. Quit that. I like a nice ass because it tells me she isn't lazy. Then there's an imperfect nose. Don't ask. I just like that. Sporty? Excellent, we got a thing in common. So by that every girl with a busted nose should feel like a sex object? Every athlete? No. But it turns me on. So now I wanna know more about her. Which ultimately will lead to talking, walking and sex. More? Don't know but why should you and I deny the truth? We all want and need to bang. I've been a virgin due to parental fuck ups for so long. I grew as a pretty boy with a delusion that I'm fugly, stupid and all things horrible. Girls looked scared so I thought it's me being weird or smelly or ugly. Occasionally a popular girl would all of a sudden spread rumours that I'm gay. So I just observed and learned the body language, vibes and how they communicate. Until I unknowgly became good at it. Suddenly hit late 20s and I'm overwhelmed. Getting hit on by the entire department regardless of their relationship status. Know what? It angered me. Like you, I felt like nothing but a boytoy. Then it made me sad. Then I didn't know what to do. Then I fumbled one by impersonating that insecure ugly, stupid persona I thought I was. Hurt me pretty bad. Now I'm a robot who does nothing but work and gets unreasonable amounts of attention. Only now at the age of 31 I'm considering opening up. Only now that I have great body am I learning there's more to it than that. Never was fat, more on a skinny side. But it helped. Me thinking I ain't shit made me work on everything so hard. I never knew I read so much, never knew I've done so much. Never knew I'm great at telling stories, that I have stories to begin with. Never knew 20km bike + 10km run + workout + physical job is ridiculous. Thanks for the post. It helped me appreciate it. And so should you. We should enjoy and use what we have going for us. Not feel self righteous. Remember that those people don't even know us. I understand it's not the same, we're different genders. Still, I don't know a single guy that I can talk to about this but my gay friend. He doesn't frown or get petty and jealous while I'm being serious.
I've never considered myself attractive, but as no women have ever approached me and asked me out I can only conclude that I am smoking hot.
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This is so interesting for me, a 30 year old guy with the same issues as some of these guys must have. I never had a chance to annoy someone at a bar with it but this is honestly the first thing that emotionally comes up from my stomach when I see that kind of beyond-hot girls, and it's an incredibly strong feeling. I mean the "what does it feel like" stuff. I'm not proud of it at all, the strange thing is I could write a book about all the reasons why this doesn't make sense, how obviously people don't feel the way they look to us, how having constant sexual interest in you has downsides that can bring the same kind of suffering, how this is just an aspect of a whole life full of other wishes, insecurities, pain, issues etc. and once it is not idealized (as some guys do) it is not nearly as fulfilling as it looks to people who lack it. And yet I think that many of us guys (especially in the latest generations) project onto these girls all our trauma for feeling socially rejected during our teens, and onto that the issues that brought us to feel socially rejected in the first place. Even after years of therapy for how lonely I felt as a teenager, I find myself obsessing about how the pretty girls in my class "where living in a completely different world than mine, were everyone was at their feet", and I have to stop and remind myself of what life is really like beyond our emotional responses. I am sorry that you had so many people like me regurgitate their issues onto you. I will try to remember this comment if I find myself drunk speaking to a gorgeous girl. Also thank you for sharing, very interesting for me as it really called out an issue that is plaguing me and it was great to vent, and your comment is actually pretty helpful for people with these issues to humanize girls that feel like a living embodiment of their life's dissatisfaction.
Yes. Also like 20% of other guys try to mog me/bitch me down/ pick a fight constantly, I’m assuming I make them feel some inadequacy or something and they hate me for it.
I've been told I'm attractive and also believe I am. My previous relationship lasted for about two years. And she confessed that she really wanted to show me off. During our relationship she felt intimidated and eventually broke down crying because she thought I had hidden standards for her and she couldn't keep up because she was losing herself. I told her many times I loved her for who she was and that she was beautiful, but it felt so lonely as if she didn't want to know the real me and I was just a prize. I'm sorry reading this back really feels cocky and cringe. The older I get now 36 the harder it is to connect to people. In my 20s I was more out and about and would love the attention for all the superficial reasons. But now I just want someone to take care off / for. I don't really go out a lot and don't like it when people approach you just because of physical attraction. But I understand that that's the first step into getting to know someone new. Definitely getting a dog or cat next year. Well to add one last thing. I also yearn for a deeper connection because I don't have any family. I have a lot of friends but I would have loved a house where I could go home to for unconditional love. It's just something people can read of you just by appearance.
I see two schools of thought here on reddit: attractive people have every advantage (more friends, more prospective quality partners, better jobs, etc) in the world and attractive people are intimidating and therefor are lonely.
It can be a mix of all those things.
I mean both can be true at the same time. Also if you are a woman it can be scary in regards to safety for the same reason you don't try to go down the street in expensive clothes. I have also heard if you don't want to look "inappropriate" or for other people to assume you are *like that*, you are going to have to put in more work and not do or wear certain things.
while i (25F) have a hard time seeing it, apparently men find me physically attractive the loneliness i experience comes from being seen and wanted for how i appear physically but not who i am as a person inside. im a very reserved and shy person so that's already a social barrier for me, but even when i do allow myself to try to get involved with someone, i often find they only were interested and pursued me because of my body and how i look. they sometimes tell me they love me and want to be serious after a short time without fully knowing me. then, as they get to know me more and meet the full picture, the three-dimensional, not "perfect" character that lives inside this "perfect" body, they stop liking me the same way and shit falls apart (note: perfection is fake, and i would never call myself that nor do i aspire to reach perfection, im using others' words here) it's hard to feel like im only seen by others for such a shallow reason as how i look. i am a soul *inside* my body, i am not my body, i am much more than that, but often not seen beyond that. i want someone to get to know *me*, not my body. i want someone to love *me*, the one here on the inside, not the one outside it's especially frustrating for me having recovered from a nasty eating disorder as a teen and learning that there's so many more important things about me than my weight or how i look, which was really hard lesson that took years to learn. it hurts that i fought so hard within myself to treat myself as more than just my body just for the world around me to do the opposite
My younger self could have written this post. I experienced everything you said here when I was your age (45 now). I hope it helps to know I did find that person who wanted me for me. I'm wishing for you to find your person also.
i really appreciate the love, and im glad you found yours <3
As someone who didn't experience this, my first thought would be that for someone to know you on the inside all it takes in practice is that initial superficial attraction, so that they can know you and THEN know the real you slowly. Everyone wants to be known for who they are but most people find that initial step the hardest and in many cases it's a default disqualification. Only after that you can know someone and find out if you really like each other. I'm just sharing a different perspective on how I would appreciate a "free pass" in that phase of a relationship. I do see a problem with the fact that you skip the whole phase in which average-looking people find/develop at least a little bit of something in common or likeable about their attitude before becoming the target of romantic feelings. A very hot girl could easily be seriously pursued by someone even if they would hate each other in 5 minutes if they had met in the dark. I see that you told the other commenter that you don't want advice but for the sake of any attractive reader with your same problems, I want to point out that as he said being the active seeker eliminates this problem entirely, as you could go after someone that you think you might find a connection with, enjoy your beauty giving you a good chance in the approach phase and then you are straight to the point of truly knowing a person like everyone else, but without the bias of it being someone who only saw you looking good from afar. It's not granted that you will actually like each other, but the only way is to try, and in that way I think you can play your advantage to the best.
I had no idea how attractive I was until I met my wife. Never had any woman approach me, girls in school would always laugh or be awkward, which i thought it was me being awkward. Through my wife and her mom I have a lot of 10/10 qualities in both appearances and character. Had no clue
No its not true.. It’s actually the opposite, I’ve always been attractive and people always want to be my friend, help me with stuff ask me out etc Im a super introvert so I hate it a lot
My wife asked me out, because she was worried I wasn’t going to ask her. She was right, I thought she was way out of my league. Married almost 30 years now. I still don’t understand how lucky I am.
I’ve had a couple men tell me this but they also thought I wouldn’t be interested in them either. I think it’s unfair to make such a strong judgement based on my looks. I’m more than my looks.
I have asked out three men in my life because I genuinely liked them. Luckily they did reciprocate and i wasn’t turned down. I wouldn’t say that makes me attractive more that I don’t find it nerve wrecking to ask a guy out if I am into them. I want them to know I like them as well and will give hints galore and if that don’t go through their head i tell them with no expectations. I just think the greatest compliment anyone can get is from someone telling them they liked who they are, their thoughts, personality even if nothing results from it.
Well i definitely don’t approach hot guys because i assume they’re players and all cheat on me eventually. I guess that’s discriminatory against good looking men, and i do feel guilty. But i just can’t take the risk.
Tales from old age: the ugly ones cheat, too. Goes for all.manmer of humans. Date someone for who they are. None of us control what we are born looking like. But our character is our own to develop and that shows through.
I grew up ugly but recently went through a glow up and it's not really true for me. The best way I could describe my before situation is that I felt invisible. Nobody would really notice me and people would be super quick to forget me. I would "meet" the same people like 10 times. Now, people actively come up to me, they want to talk to me. It's easier to hold onto conversations because they find you more interesting. It's so much easier.
Not even close to true. This is an excuse some people tell themselves to justify why it isn't their fault they're single. Kind of like "they're only mean to you because they're jealous." Nope, it's a lie you tell yourself to feel better. Physical attractiveness is only helpful in getting dates. It's always going to increase your options. It's also not the *only* thing that's important, and it's not even the most important thing. WAY more important is the ability to flirt well. If you're flirting, people will get crushes on you and ask you out. The more attractive you are, the more flirting will help - attractiveness is only ever an advantage - but it's not as big an advantage as the ability to make social connections with people. If you're standing around doing nothing and waiting for people to walk up and ask you out... maybe once in a while someone will make all the effort if you're extremely attractive, versus never if you're not. But an average-looking flirty person will probably have a much more successful romantic life than a socially awkward model. (And anyone who has flirtation skills AND beauty will an absolute monster in the dating world.) Attractiveness only helps, but social skills and flirtiness help much more. Attractiveness doesn't always overcome a lack of those skills. If you're standing around waiting for people to approach you, you're gonna meet way less people than an outgoing person who makes connections and flirts.
Moderately attractive, I think I’m lonely cause I overestimate my worth along with being narcissistic and delusional. Also probably the reason why the attractive ladies turn me down, but hey, that’s one person telling you it’s not cause people are scared to approach others. 😂
I am old now and married for a long time, but yes. I heard this often. Other women thought I was snobby (in reality, I was shy), and men were intimidated.
This is true from my experiences. Others seem to have to take time to process the initial emotional reactions that my appearances may invoke inside them. It takes heaps of patience for me to sieve people. I am lonely as a result.
I think I'm fairly decent to look at (little more chubby then I wanna be but oh well!) But I don't have a hard time with guys. I have a very loving/caring nature so guys usually shoot their shot with me as I believe I give off the impression I won't be mean even in rejection, which is of course true!
Eh, I have been having a different sort of problem lately. Moved to a new city and every attempt to making friends is not going well because they keep asking me out. I honestly just want to have friends that don't want to fuck me.
I'm not a 10 so, maybe that helps. I have not had a problem with people coming up to me. I do have to ask some of them to keep their hands to themselves.
I'm not lonely most times. But I've had a lot of people try to ask me out or just try convincing me to have sex with them only as an ego boost for themselves, like I guess they think that if they can get me to agree means they are The Man and would be able to get any girl! The two I did agree to go out with turned out to be real assholes and one would constantly try to "knock me down a peg coz I deserved it"
Slander is probably the biggest problem for attractive men. Dudes gossip, it’s kind of gay if u ask me.
Yes and no, I've had girls tell me they're not interested because I probably have like 5 others on the side when in reality I was interested in them and only them, but then I've had girls throw themselves at me and do anything they can for my attention, it just depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of people you're around really
I feel like I'm in a unique position to answer this as a guy. Since puberty, I've always struggled with my weight. I also have a facial structure where, if I'm thin, I'm quite attractive - I have had women say that I was a more-handsome Ben Affleck. But, once I put on weight, I'm not very appealing - like, if I talk to a woman, the first sentence out of her mouth is about her boyfriend. I'd say it's not true. When I am thin, women are bold about approaching me. I've had women in bars try to convince me to meet them in the bathroom. I've been grabbed a lot. Even just sitting at the bar, looking at my phone. I'll finally look up and have a woman sitting on either side of me, wanting to chat When I'm fat, I'm invisible. No dates. If I compliment a woman, I can see that she is uncomfortable with the idea that I might ask her out. You would think that would be enough for me to make sure I'm always in good shape, but it's hard for me. I'm fat now, and lonely. I've almost reached the point where I need to focus and get back in shape. I'm tired of the cycle, but have never been able to make fitness stick.
I’m lonely because I am shy when it comes to that and not very expressive. So people who like me think I don’t like them and they don’t try.
I think it could be more lonely, but not because people are intimidated. If you're drop dead gorgeous, you're inevitably going to attract more people who mostly want beauty in their partner rather than deep true love. I imagine you could start feeling pretty lonely after a few failed relationships that start out well but end up being obvious that they aren't interested in you as a person.
I'm told I'm attractive and I receive compliments regularly. (Last week a stranger told me I'm gorgeous and look like Gal Gadot) I was single through most of high school until I asked out my high school boyfriend. After we broke up I was single for years. I didn't understand why guys weren't interested in me. I never got asked out. All my friends had boyfriends. It was very lonely. My husband is only the second guy I dated.
That's why I'm glad I have a dash of ugly. I'm handsome enough that women don't mind being seen with me and ugly enough to where I don't steal the show (unless I got that drip on 😉)
I don’t know.. I get told I’m attractive a lot, but I’m desperately lonely.. and I honestly don’t know if I am genuinely attractive or if I’m fuck ugly and people are just being nice. Ps: I’m a guy, so can’t really figure it out lol
Unfortunately for a guy being attractive is worthless unless you are able to open up with women and start interactions. It sucks that we don't get to be passive and still be approached but the good thing is that once you accept the fact that girls are lonely too and would like a normal guy just like you would like a normal girl, it becomes a whole different, much more enjoyable game.
I must be hot as hell
They just need to try online dating and they won't be lonely fast, that or they'll find out they actually aren't that attractive.
Or, or, hear me out. We can also be ugly, and people just generally ignore you because of that also.
I think that attractiveness is intimidating,it causes uncertainty and fear. Someone who is genuinely interested in you will always find it hard to approach you. It provokes both physiological and psychological stimulation. Both heart rate and brain function. Because it's scary, beauty also stirs up jealousy, specifically in the workplace. Because it's noticeable, it attracts dirty looks and disparaging remarks. There's always someone after you. Someone who wants to take your place, or who's waiting for you to have a moment of inattention to take advantage of your weaknesses. Someone inventing things about you(starts very early in fact). Thats why attractive people tend to live quietly, and are mostly loners.. They learn through experience to not overshare and keep control of everything by selecting wisely and carefully who enters it.
I wish I met the criteria to answer this question
Idk if being a gay guy makes this situation different because dynamics are different with men and women than they are between men and men. But I always have to ask people out. I’ve been told I’m handsome. I’m not a model or absolute stud but I never get approached and always have to ask out other men. But how I feel about my looks makes me feel more confident when approaching someone to ask out.
Ive been one, ive been the other. Life is 10000x more pleasant when youre hot.
Shit, here I was thinking nobody wanted to speak to me cos I’m a cunt. Turns out I’m a super model!
This question almost exclusively targets women as men don't get approached ever.
If someone is a very attractive man, then trust me, they do! I've seen women throw themselves at handsome men and even giving them gifts.
Hasn't been my experience.
Yes actually that is true
No, I had girls (and rarely guys) asking me out, sometimes asking me to leave a GF for them, some were rather pushy.
Not sure on my attractiveness but I have never ever had a woman approach me. I always have been the one to do the asking. I never got a no, and now I'm married.
I think it's true for some people. I was never THAT attractive. I was cute (when I was young) and more approachable than, say, a drop-dead gorgeous woman.
GenX male here. I had no idea that women “wanted me”. I found out at grad reunions and party’s. I wish I wasn’t so shy back then. I’m still single but I’ve had a lot of fun.
Yeah, not many people approach me, i notice when im walking about lots of girls stare an sometimes point an gossip with their friends an laugh Wait a minute.......?
Who says this? I’d imagine they’d be lonely for the opposite reason. I guarantee attractive people get hit on, approached, and more attention in general than non attractive people. But that is likely isolating for different reasons. When you get that kind of attention, you tend to set your standards pretty high, which makes it more challenging to make normal compromises, or find someone who ticks all the boxes.
Lol no, that’s only true of unpleasant attractive people
Yes and no. I get all the confident people, so never been alone. I’ve probably missed out on the quieter ones, who are more my type though.
Sometimes. Also a lot of people who do express interest in you are only interested in how you look not who you are. People are pretty superficial and if you don’t know what to look out for you’ll absolutely be taken advantage of
Shit. I always thought I was fairly attractive, but here I am happily married with good friends and never feeling lonely. Guess I learned something.
No.
Lol no
I never got to talk about this with anyone so excuse me for the very long rant coming up... Because of my school being only for females, and my later interest in art and humanistic studies, I haven't had many opportunities to interact with the opposite sex. And since the very few times I did I only seemed to attract weird creepy guys (who ended up harassing me), I always felt kinda ugly and like a complete loser, leading to me isolating. Over a year ago, I decided to try something different, though, and traveled abroad. I studied English in a language school, and for the first time in years got to interact with people my age again. To my surprise, I became kinda popular in that school, particularly with guys... As I made a lot of male friends there. Though the attention was weird, sometimes I loved it, sometimes I hated it, and my emotions and self steam were so messed up. In one hand, I was being complimented every single day by multiple students about how "outstandingly beautiful" I was, what a "nice personality" I had, how much I "shined", how smart, kind, admirable blah blah... Yet on the other hand (in my perspective back then), I was being completely ignored by them, as they would never initiate any interaction or invite me to hung out with them despite "enjoying my company" Some stayed far away, just looking at me, but not even saying hi during all those months, confusing me quite a lot. Basically, knowing I was well liked and still feeling lonely on a daily basis. Additionally, the guy that confessed to me and that I ended up dating for two months, under the excuse "everyone will hate me for dating you", would go out of his way to hide our relationship, making me think he was actually embarrassed of me... And he was not particularly handsome, or funny, or even kind to me... but I was 28, I desperatelly wanted to experience falling in love, and genuinely thought he was the best guy someone like me could get... As a result, everything rapidly became super toxic. He wouldn't admit it but he was so jealous and bossy... Specially after some time when I told him I wanted to start sharing about us to a few close friends, and we got nothing but disbelief looks for him and lots of "why him?" directed to me, sometimes even in his presence... After that, he went back to avoiding the topic, which is understandable, but also becoming extremely competitive and manipulative with me in every single opportunity he had. It was my first time dating and I didn't know how to deal with all of that either. Even if I thought about breaking up many times, I couldn't manage to cause I felt sorry... he cried before in front of me for saying I always made him feel inferior. I didn't really liked him after all, but it broke my heart seeing him hating on himself and didn't want to make it worse by confirming it, so I deal with his mistreatment til the end. Though, that, along with all the mixed signals received from others students, left me even more vulnerable, to the point of being ridiculous and not eating or drinking anything at school for two weeks just to hide myself under a facemask all day. Now, back to my country, and around 18 months later, I healed a lot, and I still keep in touch with my friends, who supported me during that complicated relationship and my post-trip depression, along with a bunch of other students I met there, even those I didn't get to talk to at that time. MANY of them told me they wanted to interact with me more but couldn't bring themselves to do so... Some even confessed being attracted to me, maybe around 20 of them?? And I don't know how to feel about it honestly... like it makes me happy, a bit? But it's just so frustrating as I think how everything could have been different! Low-key, I can't help resenting them... it's not fair, I know, cause I was also very shy and insecure, but... why? Why now? Just because we are living miles apart, and it's easier? This month in particular, I got one confession and two diferent insinuations of someone liking me. And between them, one coming from the coolest guy and first crush I got there! Who even dare to ask me on our last video-call "why didn't you date me instead?" Like excuse?? How would I have known you were interested in me if you never told me!? Fair enough, it seems girls don't take him seriously either cause he's too handsome and even I, who was very close friends with him, assumed he should be a player... Well, I guess, lesson learned, loving myself a bit more (maybe therapy), and taking the initiative instead of waiting for decent guys to aproach me. Though I need to work on raising the bar before trying dating again.
As a guy, I did not have to apply much effort as the women came automatically. Had a blast between 20-30. Now 32, married for 2 years and only want attention from one person. No arrogance, just honesty. Those one night stands or hookups always feel more empty as you grow older. As a woman (which i'm not) it seems like a burden sometimes. Every guy thinks you're arrogant or something else. Difficult times for the women.
I'm objectively attractive & autistic. I don't socialize the way I look like I should, and it's real confusing to the general public and can be pretty isolating for me.
This is a coping mechanism to make ugly people feel better about their loneliness.
>People say attractive people are often lonely or not in relationships because it's scary/hard/intimidating to ask such a person out, or people assume they're already in a relationship, etc. You know a common story how a girl say or post something like "I am so lonely, why noone is asking me out"? The point of it is that a specific person she thinks of OR a general group of attractive, popular or rich men are not asking her out. Many of attractive girls don't consider unsuccessful, ugly or poor men to be people at all, so if those men would ask them out they could become straight up offended. That's the answer to your question. Some of them are lonely because RIGHT people are not approaching them. Think about it if you would be a nuclear engineer with 20 years of experience and you would only get job offers to be a cashier or genitor - you would say that you are not getting any job offers too.
I think this is closer to it if I'm being honest - last sentence really hit the nail on the head especially.
Yes
why are people acting like this question was only directed at attractive girls?
Because men are almost never asked out no matter their appearance, unless they are rich.
That's not true, my uncle was a very attractive man in his youth and he's always said that he never had to chase women because they came to him. His first wife was rich too and he was broke which is also something that supposedly never happens.
I'm not Henry Cavill or anything, but I've had a similar dating profile to that. I'm usually chased when it comes to relationships and dated a woman earning over 100k a year while I was still in the early phase of my career. We only broke up due to her wanting children when I wasn't ready. So yeah, definitely not like we don't exist lol.
That's why I said "almost". Isn't that a social norm that MEN are asking women out, not the other way around? I am not saying that I support or don't support that, but isn't that how the things are? Like, for example how often do you see women paying for men in a restaurant?
Absolutely not! At least in the 80ies
Nobody says that, ever.
I think so, I am lonely so must be true
It's not true at all.
With regards to dating sure but also many other aspects of life in general...jobs, friendships and certain kinds of opportunities that you come to find out are not that normal. I could go on and on but you'd have to be more specific
No, not really. I am a fucking Adonis and all I bang are fat ugly chicks. Everybody needs some garbage dink once in a while.
To some extent yes. Highly physically attractive women such as some of my family members and friends can be lonely because men will be too intimidated to approach them, and there will be the wrong attention, too, as well as men just focusing on their looks too much and failing to consider personality. Highly physically or otherwise attractive men can be theoretically attractive to women but practically avoided, even turned down when you approach someone, because you're too intimidating, she fears she's going to lose you, or she wants to be the prettier one in /prize of the relationship, or she believes handsome men come with evil character traits (which, chances are, she doesn't really believe but tells herself that to alleviate the pain of anticipated rejection). Some women want their men to compete intensely for them, and from an attractive man that can be less forthcoming. Also women who are attracted to you but don't want to be end up acting in strange ways, including a lot of push & pull; she rejects you, ends up hitting on you hours after. Or she makes your life miserable by taking pot shots at you. It's different when you're attractive versus when you are not (I have experience of both), but it's not uniformly easy.
Kind of. People tell me I can be intimidating with the looks and all that. At the same time it's quite easy to charm people. I really need validation all the time it's fucking tiring sometimes.
I've been told I'm attractive by a few people that I find very attractive and I'm lonely but it's because I'm emotionally unavailable more than anything else. Also, people don't really hit on me, which sucks but I know that if I decide to hit on someone then we'll probably end up hooking up. Still lonely the next day though.
Knees weak, arms are heavy, mom's spaghetti..
Ugly people tell each other that in order to feel better about themselves.
I’ve always disagreed with this idea that people are unapproachable because of their attractiveness , just saying , more than anything and there’s always an exception but very attractive people can be very vacuous and self obsessed so aren’t worthy of wasting one’s time
I think it might depends on your level of attractiveness. I’m not a model but I’ve often been told that I was good looking and I never had to do the first step with someone so it has always been pretty easy for me to get in a relationship. But I once met a woman who was really really gorgeous and even as a straight woman, I had a hard time staying focus while taking to her. She made me nervous aha