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This isn’t about gender. Plenty of boys would act like you and plenty of girls would act like your boyfriend. This is about you and him as individuals and what you want and care about in a relationship.
You care about texting him. You need to talk to him about what your wants, needs, and expectations in a relationship are, and he needs to tell you if his wants, needs, and expectations for a relationship align with that. If they do, great! If they don’t, then break up with him and find someone compatible with you.
Pretending this is a “boy v girl” thing instead of just the way different people are will mean you never bother trying to find someone who actually fits with you, because you’ll be blaming unavoidable sexism for something that’s a individual people difference.
An excellent take! Only the compatibility of individuals matter. And much of that is figured out by boldly revealing and asking about one's wishes in a relationship.
I want to form strong bonds with romantic and platonic partners when I find people that reciprocate. That's why I will bring all kinds of subjects to the coversations, even and especially difficult ones.
I've found that the relationships I have are so strong due to open communication (builds trust) that the subjects I'm afraid to bring up initially won't do anything but solidify the relationship when we work on and resolve the conflict together. If the relationship is on such a flimsy foundation that it can't handle conflict in a healthy manner, the relationship is doomed anyway. So why not bring up your wishes and concerns anyway?
Agree. To add to that and to dig a little deeper, perspective is important, too. Regardless of the gender of each person in the couple, romance needs someone to initially set the tone and get it started for both to enjoy that peace. To make that happen for a healthy relationship, each person kinda has to take on a role at different opportunities, where one person is the little spoon and the other is the big spoon. Emotionally speaking, of course. So I would say OP’s perspective (at least maybe lately when thinking about posting here) could be more of a “little spoon” view of the relationship’s romance. Where maybe the romance is still there, but the bf could do a bit more, or maybe even do something differently. But from his “big spoon” perspective, he’s content with the sufficient efforts he’s making. OP should def not jump to any conclusions and paint anyone as a villain here, just gotta find a way to communicate so there are no detrimental misunderstandings. Because in any relationship, the roles might need to switch back and forth between the pair, and you want to make sure the efforts put into the romance are staying fair and supportive for one another.
This is politically correct but inaccurate imo 🤣
Surely there is a difference in distributions if you group this by gender. i.e. OP has some merits to talk about women having more of this quality
No it's not - it's not even a negative quality to begin with. There is a scientific study trying to understand the role of gender in emotional intimacy:
https://www.jstor.org/stable/41887101
But yes, your gender doesn't define your traits as individual. All I'm saying is the likelihood of finding a woman with this trait is slightly higher (as noted in the research paper).
It's really ok to discuss differences in qualities in genders AS a group. (again we are talking probabilities here, not that it defines you)
Sexism doesn’t need to be negative. Sexism is when you decide that personality traits exist because of gender. Dating someone who is not the right match for you because “all gender are that way anyway” is sexism and sexism that is bound to make you unhappy in the long term because you’ll never think you can find the right partner for you if you’ve decided they don’t exist because their gender doesn’t allow it. You can try and justify yourself all you want. Sexism is sexism. But please. Pretend I’m just being PC.
Statistics based on behaviour that’s been conditioned to be sexist by a sexist society isn’t actually an argument in your favour. I have a Bachelor of Arts with a major in sociology. I actually have a very good idea on what I’m talking about.
Casually disregarding a paper with 100+ citations in a social science journal because it's written by a sexist society 🤣
Sounds like you barely passed from a third grade uni and got some serious victim mentality.
Nothing wrong with being different than most, but I suspect most boys or men really aren't that fussed about those things. They have to spend FAR more effort at the start of a relationship to "earn" access to one, from there the rest kinda just follows and plays out automatically.
I dunno I feel like most of my guy friends (and myself too) fantasise about having that same thing, the perfect wedding with the perfect person leading to raising the perfect family but a lot of us are taught that we shouldn't express these desires so much because they're 'womanly' things to think about. I do think it's now becoming easier for mem to express these feelings but for a lot of us the damage is kinda already done.
Perhaps its a self selecting thing, people tend to seek out those that are similar to themselves and then people tend to influence each other too.
Hoping for the perfect person, being afraid of being alone, looking to impress others with how amazing your partner is (and looks) and looking to raise a big family with a great partner is all pretty common.
Planning a wedding is pretty much not discussed with anything but dread usually, and I'd wager that under 5% of guys would say they "fantasise about it". As I've said, I don't see anything wrong with that and if we were friends and I were to take the piss a little it would be good-natured fun only with no serious judgement.
>the damage is kinda already done.
The societal "grooming" to shape you into a "good man" was intended to do that for the most part, someone has to focus on how things were to be paid for and the practicalities of life such as investing in a deposit for a house instead of a 20k party and the traditional "solution" to that and many other issues was for one parent to focus on one half and the other parent to focus on the opposite so both sides are considered and debated within each family.
Times move on of course and anyone who is especially focussed on their wedding should feel free to embrace that.
I’m telling you, most good men think about that stuff a lot. I feel like you’re just dragging your viewpoint of the world across the screen and not taking into account that several men in this thread have explicitly said they do think about this stuff. I myself think of the day I get married a lot. I know my friends think about the day they get married. To say men don’t really care or worry about that stuff is strange to me
>I’m telling you, most good men think about that stuff a lot.
Look I'm happy to tolerate, accept and even respect people who are very different to me and I'm even happy to presume for a moment that perhaps my overall view isn't accurate. But equating being "good" with being interested in the minute details of flower arrangements, dresses, the font on the invite and spending 30 hours micromanaging seating arrangements isn't fair, honest or reasonable.
>I know my friends think about the day they get married.
OK, but "think about occasionally" and "I've fantasised about this intensely since I was a child" are very different standards.
>To say men don’t really care or worry about that stuff is strange to me
Broadly speaking most men put effort into such things in order to please women they hope to date, have sex with or marry. Its practically a stereotype and in my experience most men would be very happy with half the cost or hassle that their partner seeks.
Well if you put a little more thought into it, the reason I said GOOD men is because obviously a man who has been incarcerated 5 different times, beats his wife, sells drugs laced with fentanyl, etc… likely isn’t going to fantasize about their wedding… I was NOT equating a good man to somebody who cares about flower arrangements and everything else you spewed out.
I’ll 100% agree that most men probably weren’t dreaming of marriage as a boy but I can 100% confirm that they thought about their future job and how they would want to be able to support a family and stuff.
We all dream of being successful in some way or another. A good portion of us see marriage and having a family as part of that success. A large part. We are obviously living very different lives and meeting very different people. I’m thankful for that 🙏🏼
>a man who has been incarcerated 5 different times, beats his wife, sells drugs laced with fentanyl, etc… likely isn’t going to fantasize about their wedding
Why would you presume that exactly? I think you'll learn a lot more if you explore that question. Why do you associate fantasizing about a wedding with not being a wife beater etc, the bridezilla steriotype manages to combine obsession with weddings and abusive behaviour.
>I can 100% confirm that they thought about their future job and how they would want to be able to support a family and stuff.
Right, but that's an entirely different thing. That's a practical thing based on meeting actual physical needs and essentials and its also well in line with the traditional expectations for men.
>We all dream of being successful in some way or another.
Again, that's fine but entirely different.
>A good portion of us see marriage and having a family as part of that success.
Again, wanting a successful marriage with a good partner is normal and fine. But that's not the same as obsessively planning a pompous and overly indulgent wedding.
>We are obviously living very different lives and meeting very different people. I’m thankful for that
Right, as I originally expected you've equated being a decent person with being interested in planning indulgent parties and posing in front of your peers.
That kind of sounds sad. I don’t think in terms of earning access. Maybe that’s why I have earned so much access. lol. I do romantic shit because it’s all a grand foreplay or it’s therapeutic.
>Maybe that’s why I have earned so much access. lol.
What I mean by "earning access" is allocating large amounts of time, energy, money and attention to do things she wants, on her schedule etc etc.
Very few men are naturally interested in many of the classic things needed to impress a partner and they certainly don't enjoy spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on fancy flowers, meals or whatever else.
Sure those things are pleasant and most people would be happy to get them for free and feel good if an attractive person was jumping through hoops to please them. But the poor sod forced to pay for those expensive, low-value things isn't going to be nearly as happy with it (especially if they've engaged with that many times with low success rates or with people that abuse them for money).
This, but I'd add the fact that males are treated with way less attention to detail by default. There is no "good morning" or "good night" to boys. Just "get up" or "go to sleep" and get on with it. It's what our culture is by and large.
… I’m female. I have never understood why anybody would feel the need to text such boring niceties to each other when in a relationship. *Everyday* would be a huge bore. I also don’t view this as a romantic gesture.. maybe a polite one, but that’s a low bar if it’s to be considered romantic 😅
I generally only think it’s necessary or “normal” if you’re wanting to use it as an excuse to start a conversation early on in the day, or we were talking/texting and you now want to sleep.
So on the side as a person who doesn’t care about this detail… I don’t see why saying good morning/good night is any indicator that a relationship is getting along well. I’d say it’s generally kinda nice to have the habit in person.. but if it’s texting, no need.
Of course if it’s someone you do care about though and have voiced as such, your BF should probably try to make a little compromise.
Guy here - I'm pretty sure this is more about "hey I just got up and thought about you right away". That just feels nice, and it's good to show the other person how important they are in your life. These small things break the mundane more than they generate them in my opinion.
Nah bro, I want that good morning and good night text daily. If I can’t count on you for the boring details in the beginning you’re not willing to go the extra mile for me long term.
I could personally care even less for a good morning or good night text. Not what I meant by saying crazy though. It’s CRAZY that you think since they fail to send a gm or gn text that they wouldn’t turn the world on its head for you if they could. We simply have different values
Too focused on the grand gestures you can't do for them when you should be focusing on the dumb little things you can be doing for them. God, why does everyone get in their own way so much?
As a guy, we usually see things differently.
Saying eachother good morning every day might be thoughtful, but it's not spontaneous.
A man's version of romance could be "yeah I saw those blueberry muffins you like were on sale, so I got you some.
Men generally like to do stuff to show affection.
I gave up and joined in. It doesn’t fix anything so I guess I’m saying keep fighting. Be the best you can be and maybe you’ll find the diamond in the rough. Or move out of the city. Personally speaking the city is naturally a palace for hookup culture.
No. Sending constant good morning and good night texts is. Because it's meant as a way to reassure yourself that the other person loves you, is thinking about you. And if you need that constant reassurance you're insecure. And if you are insecure it's because you feel you're not good enough for them. Which then leads them to eventually believing you and find someone better.
In a secure relationship both are fine being apart for a while and leave enough time to miss each other.
Yep, I misunderstood. I was insecure and guilty of some of those behaviors - 25 years of marriage finally cured me - and we do say good morning & good night.
peace
But resisting your temptation to want to send those type of romantic texts because you don’t want to seem lame, makes you less insecure? Sounds like you’re trying to satisfy your ego than actually find love. Or maybe you’re right.
It's just adjusting your behaviour, like manners. To find a way to channel your love in a masculine way and not an androgenous way that is usually learned through traumatic childhoods.
What are you trying to say?
The op who is a **girl**, is the one who has the "needy" behaviour.
This kind of clingy behaviour is a turn off for anyone who knows the importance of mental health. Inserting gender here doesn't make sense and seems out of context to me tbh.
There's thousands and thousands of books on the psychology of attraction and the respective diference between men and women and the way they navigate the dating world. Needy behavior is by far way more tolerated by men.
Uhh, makes sense ig.
Most men struggle in dating or that's what I've been made to believe, though i gotta say I've not yet tried dating.
But honestly, as an introvert, I can't imagine any introvert to not be exhausted by the constant boring repetitive text every single day.
The only reason it is tolerated by men is because they feel that they can't find a woman who isn't needy. Even in this post, the boyfriend says he doesn't like receiving them or sending them.
We men can simply say that we don't want this kind of behavior and we assure the woman it doesn't mean we don't love them.
However women will not be upfront about it because in theory it should be wonderful that your little teddy bear of a boyfriend pays so much attention to you, but they'll start to resent it, be icked by it and eventually needing "a break", having to go find herself because she's confused.
Women like to chase a little bit. The feeling of being in love is one of chase. If they get that overwhelming feeling of "unconditional love" then they're no longer chasing. Unconditional meaning she can walk all over you, do absolutely nothing to please you and still get 100% effort from you.
That's not true. It might be large enough that it also attracts people outside it's main demographic, but it still clearly has a main demographic.
And with the way the upvote-downvote system works you're mainly going to hear the opinion of the main demographic in non-niche Subreddits.
Ignore them the user base is overwhelming from the USA . According to Statistica.com.
https://www.alphr.com/demographics-reddit/
Also these comments kind of reek of the old "theres no girls on the internet its just neck beards" BS which wasn't true in early 2000 and is even less true now.
True It skews the numbers slightly because they go by ip address but they don't have to be completely accurate for us to get that a huge portion of users are USA based.
It’s not a girls vs boys thing.
It’s about *love languages*.
You and your boyfriend probably have different love languages. So in order for things to work, you need to do research and figure out what those are: quality time? Little things? Acts of service? Touch?
And then work to make sure you’re fulfilling each others’ love needs.
Check out actually the story of who wrote that book, where it comes from, and why.
You might be surprised to find how much bullshit is behind the love languages thing.
Love languages are bullshit. Whatever people feel they aren’t currently getting is what they will say their love language is, 9/10. Everyone likes all the love languages, typically.
The guy who came up with it was a homophobe with a gay son.
your boyfriend has different needs than you. he does not represent all men, nor do you represent all women;
my girlfriend doesn't care about morning or night greetings, and neither do I. That is just one of the many ways we are compatible.
I am a girl and I hate romantism tbh. But I am an engineer as well so maybe this has some part to play here. Maybe it's all about those ornaments that are always forced and unnecessary in my opinion. I would always feel awkward if someone tries to be romantic tbh. I love simple & straight things 🙂
Men are more expressive in their actions than their words. As a man, I think words are cheap. Saying "I love you" doesn't mean anything; rubbing your back when you have cramps is a better indicator of how I feel about you.
This has been a problem area for me in most of my relationships. Women will often be verbally very expressive, but their behavior will say something completely different. To me, their actions speak far louder than their words.
That doesn't sound romantic at all from my prospective. It's rather the opposite of romanticity, 'cause it's a simple politeness. I reserve that shit for the people whom I don't trust too much. So doing it in the relationship? No, never.
Huh, I'm a boy and I care a lot about romantic details. And naturally give some too. For exemple, I had custom plushies made for the woman I loved, representing the characters from the video game we were developing together.
Odds are good he's just paying attention to different details than you. Saying good morning or good night might not be on his radar, but he might deliberately be doing other things.
Or he's just less deliberate about it. Given that you're on Reddit and asking about romantic advice, odds are good you're both high schoolers. Or early college. So he may just lack the experience and/or maturity to pay attention to that sort of thing.
If it bothers you, it's worth gently bringing up.
Because our culture's definition of romantic details are feminine details. It's the reverse, why do we consider a boy bringing flowers to a girl romantic, but not a girl hosting a party and cooking all this food? Because flowers are feminine and a big outlay of food is masculine.
Saying good morning and goodnight everyday is boring and uncreative. I don't remember to say that to anybody. I just find it unnecessary.
It's not romantic at all imo.
If you wanna express your love, do it differently but definitely not like this.
Maybe do it Like, "bored and thinking about you. How was your day?" Or " Heyyy, are you doing good right now? " Or maybe, "Love you, take care" or, "Thinking about you, just come home soon ❤️"
I’m a woman and I don’t like texting good morning or good night. I rather dislike when men I’ve started seeing do that. I think it’s really corny.
But women are socialized to think a relationship is the ultimate goal. It gives them status and validates them. Men are taught this as well but to a much lesser degree. So that’s something to keep in mind.
When you date somebody they should be able to complement you as a person not complete you as a person. If you get hung up on froofy details like “he didn’t say good morning today, he must hate me” means you are not independent enough to have a boyfriend.
Not a gender thing. I'm a girl and I never liked kisses or cuddles AT ALL, hated saying I love you etc. Untill I met my man. And we grew together. Now I'm all up for the cutesy stuff.
Everyone got different love languages, different way we express emotions, communicate. So talk it out girl if he's here to understand you, y'all will find a way
I (28M) don’t care too much about the good morning and good night. But my ex-gf never asked me how my day was. Even after I asked her. For me, it was about showing she had some level of interest in my work, even if only for a few minutes. Not sure if that’s considered romantic or not
Since males has to pay for majority of stuff we have to think "how the fuck do I get to be rich as quickly as possible" imagining stuff without the means to be able to it just hurts
So i don't think this much of gender thing than people just being people.
Although..tbh i met more boys who fantize about romance and stuff and what they wanna do and wedding etc.. than I have in girls. But that could just be my own social group lol.
It sounds to me as though your love language is words of affirmation, and your boyfriend does not speak that language
There are 5 love languages
1. words of affirmation
2. Physical touch
3. Giving/receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Acts of service..
If you speak 1 and he speaks 5. Then you will both feel unloved in the relationship
The nice thing is it's easy to learn to speak the other person's love language, you just need to figure out what it is.
I don’t really have a great answer, but I’ve heard many guys say the same thing about sexual details. They do things like sexual touch and sexual compliments all the time and they can’t understand how she’s doesn’t seem to care about these. I guess the best answer is that men and women are different and different things are more important to them, but just because something is less important doesn’t mean it’s not important.
I always make note of these details, I’m just low key about it. When I have a date that goes well, I make note of the calendar date, or save the receipt from the restaurant. Anniversary of first kiss or first making love. When I find out her likes and dislikes, I jot them down in the notes app so I can buy her favorite treats when I stop at the store. I hang onto tiny mementos. I also make handmade cards, save every card or love note, even the little “I love you <3” note she left on the counter that morning just because.
On the good morning and good night thing.. I have known men who like to do this too and expect it in a relationship.. Hell even if you are just friends they wanted to chat daily.
It's very much a personality thing. I find it endearing but also I am introverted so I can't stand idle conversation like that. I want it to be purposeful. So personally I would rather show interest by making plans for spending time together or doing something nice for someone I'm into. People just show affection differently.
dw, I’m a guy and I used to send good morning texts every day
my gf at the time said that she hated it, it doesn’t do anything for her, she wants more things/attention, and was glad that I was making myself happy by sending these texts
to her
I think they are different point of views of what is seen as romantic. Honesty for example is way higher up the list for me than a good morning text.Personally, I see nothing romantic about it.
Because estrogen amplifies the feelings that oxytocin creates. The relationship between oxytocin and testosterone is more complicated. Women on average lean more towards love and men towards pride. Individual differences however exist. This difference can be seen in the clothes that women and men wear - women's clothes have the message of love and men's pride.
Ask a guy, over a drink, right around 2AM.
He will paint the woman with his words.
All details to the T.
He will make you see her even when you have never met "Her"
It isn't that at all. It is that the guys that women want don't care as much about that stuff.
Also, women really want the dance/game/ritual/etc parts of relationship. Its why they almost universalltu want a wedding, but try to escape marriage.
its not that he doesn't care. it is that you both view romantic details as quite different things. men and women see the world differently, but we can be there for each other if we communicate our needs clearly without reservation or fear.
Because your brains are literally different from ours. A neurologist can tell the difference between a male and female brain just by looking at them. We're just wired differently. We're different animals.
We evolved under wildly different reproductive pressures. The idea that we would be the same is absurd.
Women place a much higher value on commitment and relationship stability than men do. This is an evolved behavior and its an adaptation to the extreme difficulty of raising human children. In our ancestral environment, a woman alone was unlikely to be able to raise a child to adulthood on her own. The commitment and help of the father meant life or death to her children so women evolved a persistent anxiety about commitment.
Guys care about results, about the bigger picture, girls care about details and feelings and atmosphere and situations.
Your boyfriend is in a relationship with you. That’s the important part for him. Having you. For you, the small things, the everyday details are they important parts.
There's a scene in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie where Darcy takes Elizabeth by the hand and guides her to her carriage. As he walks away, he flexes his hand.
It is a brief moment that reveals how affected this otherwise stoic character is by the brief contact. It Isa very brief but well loved scene, and I have even read essays about it.
I know people here think men and women are equally invested in romantic moments, but by far women are more enamored by them. I know plenty of romantic men, but some women to me love romance in a way that is almost obsessive. I don't know why, some of us just do. It's in the love of the tiny details. Perhaps because biologically men don't need to feel love to procreate, but women tend to because of the chance of pregnancy, so there is more need to find a partner they want for the long term.
I love watching Bridgerton, particularly because I love going over every small moment and glance and hand touch with dedicated fans. I know very few, if any men that are that dedicated to those small details. Romance novels by far are written by women for women. There is a reason for that.
Speaking from what I see here from actual romantic interest between the "cisman" & "ciswoman" if I am even using those terms correctly (I don't indulge into most spaces these days). A guy will bring in a girl and want her to share his world with him, even expand it. A girl will bring in a guy, and expect him to turn her normal world into a dream/fantasy come true like the books or media she has been exposed to.
It's no fault to either group because each of the two sexes have had their lives molded by sayings and qualifications to have them grow up and be a particular way. If a guy wants something he has to build his stuff to be around it so it comes true. If a girl wants something, she deserves it, and someone out there is going to come in and give her EXACTLY what she always dreamed of.
This has also been reflected on the body types we seen in fantasy. Girls will see a Jessica Rabbit Figure and think "THOSE BODY PROPORTIONS ARE IMPOSSIBLE, NO ONE CAN REALISTICALLY LOOK LIKE THAT! WE NEED TO HAVE CHARACTERS THAT LOOK LIKE US!" But when a guy looks at a Goku or Superman, or Hulk, or Baki & Jojo characters, majority of the men go to the gym and a year or two later their bodies begin to rival that of their fantasy heroes.
Now when it specifies to romance, the guy has always had his focus on fighting the dragon, defeating the sorcerer and getting the princess to rule the world. Tale as old as time. He always had his focus on making HIS dream come true and defeating anything that comes his way. Women on the other hand has had the princess treatment where they have things given to them, be it the knight that comes and kills a dragon to save them, or a fairy godmother that gives them the most beautiful dress, the most amazing carriage, and VIP tickets to the Ball. The guys have to deal with "this guy got his dream by working for it! If you want yours, work for it", while the women unfairly deal with, "you see this fair beautiful princess who goes on a carpet ride with a prince with a genie at his Beck and call who's madly in love with her. . . That could be you".
Guys have always been taught to shape their goals into reality themselves, but girls have always been fed what their dream could be, and how their current life from young to present isn't enough. So when the relationship begins between a guy and a girl, the guy thinks "sweet! I actually finally completed my dream by having the girl of my dreams by my side" while the girl is thinking "finally, I have the guy by my side that will make all of my wildest dreams come true". And unfortunately for both, they won't be entirely happy with the results because the guy has to read her and realize, hes only ever made his dreams come true cause it's easier to see what is in his mind and bring it to the forefront. "How am I supposed to do that for someone else in her specific picture perfect way?" While the girl expects him to be EXACTLY like the guy in the books who will throw his jacket down when there is a puddle. . . Or more recently, "open the car door for her, open the building door for her, walk closest to the road while she's closer to the buildings, pull out the seat for her before she sits down, take care of the bill for the date, see an item she wants and be able to buy it for her. " but even when all of that is much, it even goes as simple as remembering an anniversary, buying flowers, even good morning and good night texts, feed into him building her world to be her dream come true.
It's not impossible to find a guy who is willing and able to do that for a girl, nor is it impossible to find a girl who is just content to find a girl who will be simply happy with a guy in his world and even inspire his world to be better. But from what I've seen, girls look at the details a lot because they want it to be JUST LIKE they imagine, while most guys are out there living their own goals ¬ someone else's life.
It is about knowing they are considering you. If a guy cares for you they tend to consider you and your health/safety/comfort. If they act as if they are more important and no one else exists this is usually a sign they see you as surface level and not someone they want to impress or care for in any way. I also wonder if we look for a caring person because of the potential for child rearing - no one wants an angry selfish person in a house with kids. Seeing the kinder side of a man enables you to imagine lazy sunny mornings and a nice retirement IME.
He cares. He cares because you're the only person on earth who gets in touch with him on a regular basis without work or an emergency being involved.
But men can't show their emotions.
We can, sure.
Most of the time when we do, we get exploited for it, our emotions thrown back in our face.
So I contest that last part. A lot of the time, dealing with a lot of the world, it's actually better to not share what you're feeling.
Get ridiculed by a therapist, then we'll talk.
Percentage is nothing. A person you come to with problems doesn't ridicule you, that's no way to gain your trust.
.
I trust the therapists that didn't, and I walked out on the ones that did. That's the only way to answer that kind of behaviour.
>such as saying good morning and good night to me every day
Because it's something you expect him to do to you, but you didn't mention doing the same to him first or in return
My bf will almost never say anything romantic beyond I love you. However, he makes sure im fed, my car runs well, I have things I want not necessarily need, and that I am comfortable/content. I used to push for romantic stuff until I realized what he was doing was romance to him. I don’t need sentimentality anymore, I get the same feeling when he changes my wiper blades.
We do things instead of say things. Less talk more action. People have different love languages. Most men don't need words of affirmation. To men it is mostly physical touch and acts of service,. To women it is often words of affirmation and quality time. Gift giving is more fluid between the two. All interchangeable, but men tends to lean harder in certain areas and women in others.
To be fair, there are guys who care about romantic details too. Anyone can do these things; you just need to find someone who's a better match. You could try posting on my social app, **Lightup: Make Real Friends.** The app matches you with like-minded people based on your posts. Maybe by sharing your thoughts on romantic details, you'll find the right person.
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This isn’t about gender. Plenty of boys would act like you and plenty of girls would act like your boyfriend. This is about you and him as individuals and what you want and care about in a relationship. You care about texting him. You need to talk to him about what your wants, needs, and expectations in a relationship are, and he needs to tell you if his wants, needs, and expectations for a relationship align with that. If they do, great! If they don’t, then break up with him and find someone compatible with you. Pretending this is a “boy v girl” thing instead of just the way different people are will mean you never bother trying to find someone who actually fits with you, because you’ll be blaming unavoidable sexism for something that’s a individual people difference.
An excellent take! Only the compatibility of individuals matter. And much of that is figured out by boldly revealing and asking about one's wishes in a relationship. I want to form strong bonds with romantic and platonic partners when I find people that reciprocate. That's why I will bring all kinds of subjects to the coversations, even and especially difficult ones. I've found that the relationships I have are so strong due to open communication (builds trust) that the subjects I'm afraid to bring up initially won't do anything but solidify the relationship when we work on and resolve the conflict together. If the relationship is on such a flimsy foundation that it can't handle conflict in a healthy manner, the relationship is doomed anyway. So why not bring up your wishes and concerns anyway?
Agree. To add to that and to dig a little deeper, perspective is important, too. Regardless of the gender of each person in the couple, romance needs someone to initially set the tone and get it started for both to enjoy that peace. To make that happen for a healthy relationship, each person kinda has to take on a role at different opportunities, where one person is the little spoon and the other is the big spoon. Emotionally speaking, of course. So I would say OP’s perspective (at least maybe lately when thinking about posting here) could be more of a “little spoon” view of the relationship’s romance. Where maybe the romance is still there, but the bf could do a bit more, or maybe even do something differently. But from his “big spoon” perspective, he’s content with the sufficient efforts he’s making. OP should def not jump to any conclusions and paint anyone as a villain here, just gotta find a way to communicate so there are no detrimental misunderstandings. Because in any relationship, the roles might need to switch back and forth between the pair, and you want to make sure the efforts put into the romance are staying fair and supportive for one another.
This is politically correct but inaccurate imo 🤣 Surely there is a difference in distributions if you group this by gender. i.e. OP has some merits to talk about women having more of this quality
Nope. That’s just sexism.
No it's not - it's not even a negative quality to begin with. There is a scientific study trying to understand the role of gender in emotional intimacy: https://www.jstor.org/stable/41887101 But yes, your gender doesn't define your traits as individual. All I'm saying is the likelihood of finding a woman with this trait is slightly higher (as noted in the research paper). It's really ok to discuss differences in qualities in genders AS a group. (again we are talking probabilities here, not that it defines you)
Sexism doesn’t need to be negative. Sexism is when you decide that personality traits exist because of gender. Dating someone who is not the right match for you because “all gender are that way anyway” is sexism and sexism that is bound to make you unhappy in the long term because you’ll never think you can find the right partner for you if you’ve decided they don’t exist because their gender doesn’t allow it. You can try and justify yourself all you want. Sexism is sexism. But please. Pretend I’m just being PC.
You didn't read anything I wrote 🤣 There is not an element of sexism in my comment and never justified it. Please read again.
I read your excuses for sexism, I just don’t agree with them.
Says someone who's never been to statistics class and have a comprehension problem.
Statistics based on behaviour that’s been conditioned to be sexist by a sexist society isn’t actually an argument in your favour. I have a Bachelor of Arts with a major in sociology. I actually have a very good idea on what I’m talking about.
Casually disregarding a paper with 100+ citations in a social science journal because it's written by a sexist society 🤣 Sounds like you barely passed from a third grade uni and got some serious victim mentality.
I don’t think that’s true. I think boys hide that shit more than girls. But I am a boy and I daydreamed about my wedding and all that shit.
Nothing wrong with being different than most, but I suspect most boys or men really aren't that fussed about those things. They have to spend FAR more effort at the start of a relationship to "earn" access to one, from there the rest kinda just follows and plays out automatically.
I dunno I feel like most of my guy friends (and myself too) fantasise about having that same thing, the perfect wedding with the perfect person leading to raising the perfect family but a lot of us are taught that we shouldn't express these desires so much because they're 'womanly' things to think about. I do think it's now becoming easier for mem to express these feelings but for a lot of us the damage is kinda already done.
Perhaps its a self selecting thing, people tend to seek out those that are similar to themselves and then people tend to influence each other too. Hoping for the perfect person, being afraid of being alone, looking to impress others with how amazing your partner is (and looks) and looking to raise a big family with a great partner is all pretty common. Planning a wedding is pretty much not discussed with anything but dread usually, and I'd wager that under 5% of guys would say they "fantasise about it". As I've said, I don't see anything wrong with that and if we were friends and I were to take the piss a little it would be good-natured fun only with no serious judgement. >the damage is kinda already done. The societal "grooming" to shape you into a "good man" was intended to do that for the most part, someone has to focus on how things were to be paid for and the practicalities of life such as investing in a deposit for a house instead of a 20k party and the traditional "solution" to that and many other issues was for one parent to focus on one half and the other parent to focus on the opposite so both sides are considered and debated within each family. Times move on of course and anyone who is especially focussed on their wedding should feel free to embrace that.
I’m telling you, most good men think about that stuff a lot. I feel like you’re just dragging your viewpoint of the world across the screen and not taking into account that several men in this thread have explicitly said they do think about this stuff. I myself think of the day I get married a lot. I know my friends think about the day they get married. To say men don’t really care or worry about that stuff is strange to me
>I’m telling you, most good men think about that stuff a lot. Look I'm happy to tolerate, accept and even respect people who are very different to me and I'm even happy to presume for a moment that perhaps my overall view isn't accurate. But equating being "good" with being interested in the minute details of flower arrangements, dresses, the font on the invite and spending 30 hours micromanaging seating arrangements isn't fair, honest or reasonable. >I know my friends think about the day they get married. OK, but "think about occasionally" and "I've fantasised about this intensely since I was a child" are very different standards. >To say men don’t really care or worry about that stuff is strange to me Broadly speaking most men put effort into such things in order to please women they hope to date, have sex with or marry. Its practically a stereotype and in my experience most men would be very happy with half the cost or hassle that their partner seeks.
Well if you put a little more thought into it, the reason I said GOOD men is because obviously a man who has been incarcerated 5 different times, beats his wife, sells drugs laced with fentanyl, etc… likely isn’t going to fantasize about their wedding… I was NOT equating a good man to somebody who cares about flower arrangements and everything else you spewed out. I’ll 100% agree that most men probably weren’t dreaming of marriage as a boy but I can 100% confirm that they thought about their future job and how they would want to be able to support a family and stuff. We all dream of being successful in some way or another. A good portion of us see marriage and having a family as part of that success. A large part. We are obviously living very different lives and meeting very different people. I’m thankful for that 🙏🏼
>a man who has been incarcerated 5 different times, beats his wife, sells drugs laced with fentanyl, etc… likely isn’t going to fantasize about their wedding Why would you presume that exactly? I think you'll learn a lot more if you explore that question. Why do you associate fantasizing about a wedding with not being a wife beater etc, the bridezilla steriotype manages to combine obsession with weddings and abusive behaviour. >I can 100% confirm that they thought about their future job and how they would want to be able to support a family and stuff. Right, but that's an entirely different thing. That's a practical thing based on meeting actual physical needs and essentials and its also well in line with the traditional expectations for men. >We all dream of being successful in some way or another. Again, that's fine but entirely different. >A good portion of us see marriage and having a family as part of that success. Again, wanting a successful marriage with a good partner is normal and fine. But that's not the same as obsessively planning a pompous and overly indulgent wedding. >We are obviously living very different lives and meeting very different people. I’m thankful for that Right, as I originally expected you've equated being a decent person with being interested in planning indulgent parties and posing in front of your peers.
Yup
That kind of sounds sad. I don’t think in terms of earning access. Maybe that’s why I have earned so much access. lol. I do romantic shit because it’s all a grand foreplay or it’s therapeutic.
>Maybe that’s why I have earned so much access. lol. What I mean by "earning access" is allocating large amounts of time, energy, money and attention to do things she wants, on her schedule etc etc. Very few men are naturally interested in many of the classic things needed to impress a partner and they certainly don't enjoy spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on fancy flowers, meals or whatever else. Sure those things are pleasant and most people would be happy to get them for free and feel good if an attractive person was jumping through hoops to please them. But the poor sod forced to pay for those expensive, low-value things isn't going to be nearly as happy with it (especially if they've engaged with that many times with low success rates or with people that abuse them for money).
I don't know why you got downvote
This, but I'd add the fact that males are treated with way less attention to detail by default. There is no "good morning" or "good night" to boys. Just "get up" or "go to sleep" and get on with it. It's what our culture is by and large.
This made me laugh a lil bit.
'and all that shit ' - this is the but that OP is asking about! 😃😂
Also daydream about my wedding, you are not alone man
… I’m female. I have never understood why anybody would feel the need to text such boring niceties to each other when in a relationship. *Everyday* would be a huge bore. I also don’t view this as a romantic gesture.. maybe a polite one, but that’s a low bar if it’s to be considered romantic 😅 I generally only think it’s necessary or “normal” if you’re wanting to use it as an excuse to start a conversation early on in the day, or we were talking/texting and you now want to sleep. So on the side as a person who doesn’t care about this detail… I don’t see why saying good morning/good night is any indicator that a relationship is getting along well. I’d say it’s generally kinda nice to have the habit in person.. but if it’s texting, no need. Of course if it’s someone you do care about though and have voiced as such, your BF should probably try to make a little compromise.
Guy here - I'm pretty sure this is more about "hey I just got up and thought about you right away". That just feels nice, and it's good to show the other person how important they are in your life. These small things break the mundane more than they generate them in my opinion.
Nah bro, I want that good morning and good night text daily. If I can’t count on you for the boring details in the beginning you’re not willing to go the extra mile for me long term.
Crazy
And yet, it’s what we all want deep down
I could personally care even less for a good morning or good night text. Not what I meant by saying crazy though. It’s CRAZY that you think since they fail to send a gm or gn text that they wouldn’t turn the world on its head for you if they could. We simply have different values
Too focused on the grand gestures you can't do for them when you should be focusing on the dumb little things you can be doing for them. God, why does everyone get in their own way so much?
What are you on about. I never said anything like that. You’re trying so hard to be right that you’re creating a bunch of assumptions 💀
The decent thing to do would just let me be right. You really don't like seeing us win huh?
Sure. Idk if you thought I was going to fall for that rage bait. Of course I don’t like seeing you guys win
Your life is a ragebait and I fell for it 😔
As a guy, we usually see things differently. Saying eachother good morning every day might be thoughtful, but it's not spontaneous. A man's version of romance could be "yeah I saw those blueberry muffins you like were on sale, so I got you some. Men generally like to do stuff to show affection.
Part of why I’m single is because I’m a man who’s a hopeless romantic and I live in an area that’s heavily influenced by hookup culture
I feel your pain, bro. I'm in the same hell.
I gave up and joined in. It doesn’t fix anything so I guess I’m saying keep fighting. Be the best you can be and maybe you’ll find the diamond in the rough. Or move out of the city. Personally speaking the city is naturally a palace for hookup culture.
Join the club buddy
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Imagine just insulting strangers in the internet for no reason. That get you off?
Damn
Unable to get laid and single are very very different things lmao
Because nothing turns a woman off faster than that kind of needy behaviour. First hand experience, and second hand experience.
Being polite is needy? Maybe I misunderstood lol.
No. Sending constant good morning and good night texts is. Because it's meant as a way to reassure yourself that the other person loves you, is thinking about you. And if you need that constant reassurance you're insecure. And if you are insecure it's because you feel you're not good enough for them. Which then leads them to eventually believing you and find someone better. In a secure relationship both are fine being apart for a while and leave enough time to miss each other.
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Yep, I misunderstood. I was insecure and guilty of some of those behaviors - 25 years of marriage finally cured me - and we do say good morning & good night. peace
Oh my comment was meant only for dating, not living together. Of course you say good morning/night while together.
But resisting your temptation to want to send those type of romantic texts because you don’t want to seem lame, makes you less insecure? Sounds like you’re trying to satisfy your ego than actually find love. Or maybe you’re right.
It's just adjusting your behaviour, like manners. To find a way to channel your love in a masculine way and not an androgenous way that is usually learned through traumatic childhoods.
What are you trying to say? The op who is a **girl**, is the one who has the "needy" behaviour. This kind of clingy behaviour is a turn off for anyone who knows the importance of mental health. Inserting gender here doesn't make sense and seems out of context to me tbh.
There's thousands and thousands of books on the psychology of attraction and the respective diference between men and women and the way they navigate the dating world. Needy behavior is by far way more tolerated by men.
Uhh, makes sense ig. Most men struggle in dating or that's what I've been made to believe, though i gotta say I've not yet tried dating. But honestly, as an introvert, I can't imagine any introvert to not be exhausted by the constant boring repetitive text every single day.
The only reason it is tolerated by men is because they feel that they can't find a woman who isn't needy. Even in this post, the boyfriend says he doesn't like receiving them or sending them.
We men can simply say that we don't want this kind of behavior and we assure the woman it doesn't mean we don't love them. However women will not be upfront about it because in theory it should be wonderful that your little teddy bear of a boyfriend pays so much attention to you, but they'll start to resent it, be icked by it and eventually needing "a break", having to go find herself because she's confused. Women like to chase a little bit. The feeling of being in love is one of chase. If they get that overwhelming feeling of "unconditional love" then they're no longer chasing. Unconditional meaning she can walk all over you, do absolutely nothing to please you and still get 100% effort from you.
Don’t perpetuate untrue sexism.
Imagine what the main demographic of Reddit is and ask yourself whether you should really be asking for relationship advice here.
Reddit is large enough now that it doesn't have a main demographic.
That's not true. It might be large enough that it also attracts people outside it's main demographic, but it still clearly has a main demographic. And with the way the upvote-downvote system works you're mainly going to hear the opinion of the main demographic in non-niche Subreddits.
Who is the main demographic of Reddit? I joined this year. I'm assuming people are mostly Americans?
The whole world uses reddit. Americans play a big part of reddit but it's not mostly
Yes, that’s true. But there is one group that uses it more than most. I believe that group posts and votes the most too.
Ignore them the user base is overwhelming from the USA . According to Statistica.com. https://www.alphr.com/demographics-reddit/ Also these comments kind of reek of the old "theres no girls on the internet its just neck beards" BS which wasn't true in early 2000 and is even less true now.
2/3 of americans using reddit is unrealistic. The article even speaks about why the number isn't right like the use of vpn.
True It skews the numbers slightly because they go by ip address but they don't have to be completely accurate for us to get that a huge portion of users are USA based.
Mostly is most commonly used for "more than half" so I stand with what I said
Men ages 18-25. Mostly IT workers.
Thanks for your insight!
It’s not a girls vs boys thing. It’s about *love languages*. You and your boyfriend probably have different love languages. So in order for things to work, you need to do research and figure out what those are: quality time? Little things? Acts of service? Touch? And then work to make sure you’re fulfilling each others’ love needs.
Check out actually the story of who wrote that book, where it comes from, and why. You might be surprised to find how much bullshit is behind the love languages thing.
Love languages are bullshit. Whatever people feel they aren’t currently getting is what they will say their love language is, 9/10. Everyone likes all the love languages, typically. The guy who came up with it was a homophobe with a gay son.
I’m pretty sure the amount of women who have words of affirmation are more than men, so I guess that answers your question OP
Yea
women want romance because a man who will romance her has more resources than he needs and is capable of providing for her and her children
Maybe the introverted men are the ones who are more into romance but less likely to make a move and get into a relationship?
What has that to do with being introverted?
I can assure you that its not a gender thing. I’m a guy and I really care about those things
I'm probably more romantic than women are.
your boyfriend has different needs than you. he does not represent all men, nor do you represent all women; my girlfriend doesn't care about morning or night greetings, and neither do I. That is just one of the many ways we are compatible.
I am a girl and I hate romantism tbh. But I am an engineer as well so maybe this has some part to play here. Maybe it's all about those ornaments that are always forced and unnecessary in my opinion. I would always feel awkward if someone tries to be romantic tbh. I love simple & straight things 🙂
Because romance is an emotional connection, men just don't have it. Once you realize this, maybe you will have better relationships.
Men are more expressive in their actions than their words. As a man, I think words are cheap. Saying "I love you" doesn't mean anything; rubbing your back when you have cramps is a better indicator of how I feel about you. This has been a problem area for me in most of my relationships. Women will often be verbally very expressive, but their behavior will say something completely different. To me, their actions speak far louder than their words.
Because we are from Venus and boys are from Mars jeez everyone knows that !
That's true but as a man I have so many things located in taurus, I wonder if I'm searching for a girl from Mars.
what was that ?
Me thinking I was on r/astrology
Maybe ask him
That doesn't sound romantic at all from my prospective. It's rather the opposite of romanticity, 'cause it's a simple politeness. I reserve that shit for the people whom I don't trust too much. So doing it in the relationship? No, never.
That’s wrong. It’s generally men that are always doing romantic things for women.
That is true. Perhaps we should even it out more.
Huh, I'm a boy and I care a lot about romantic details. And naturally give some too. For exemple, I had custom plushies made for the woman I loved, representing the characters from the video game we were developing together.
I care a lot, the first thing I did when I woke up even if she was sleep was text her good morning, or I miss you
Odds are good he's just paying attention to different details than you. Saying good morning or good night might not be on his radar, but he might deliberately be doing other things. Or he's just less deliberate about it. Given that you're on Reddit and asking about romantic advice, odds are good you're both high schoolers. Or early college. So he may just lack the experience and/or maturity to pay attention to that sort of thing. If it bothers you, it's worth gently bringing up.
That’s just your bf
after 28 yrs of marriage... My husband's good morning is a morning fart lmao!!
It all depends on how romantic a person is. I am a guy and a romantic.
My wife doesn’t really care about that stuff. Honestly after 3 years it’s starting to break my heart.
Broad generalization.
Go play a Japanese dating sim. It's 20 hours of courting a woman, followed by 2 mins of sex.
I don’t think that’s a very gender specific trait tbh. My husband is much more romantic than I am.
Because our culture's definition of romantic details are feminine details. It's the reverse, why do we consider a boy bringing flowers to a girl romantic, but not a girl hosting a party and cooking all this food? Because flowers are feminine and a big outlay of food is masculine.
Saying good morning and goodnight everyday is boring and uncreative. I don't remember to say that to anybody. I just find it unnecessary. It's not romantic at all imo. If you wanna express your love, do it differently but definitely not like this. Maybe do it Like, "bored and thinking about you. How was your day?" Or " Heyyy, are you doing good right now? " Or maybe, "Love you, take care" or, "Thinking about you, just come home soon ❤️"
Probably not true, given that many of the most beautifully worded texts about romance have been penned by men
You picked a non-romantic boyfriend.
Boys... she just wants to know that she's the first thing you think about every day and the last thing. Go figure...
Some guys care more about such details than some girls. Neither gender is uniform, there are plenty variations of personalities.
I’m a woman and I don’t like texting good morning or good night. I rather dislike when men I’ve started seeing do that. I think it’s really corny. But women are socialized to think a relationship is the ultimate goal. It gives them status and validates them. Men are taught this as well but to a much lesser degree. So that’s something to keep in mind.
When you date somebody they should be able to complement you as a person not complete you as a person. If you get hung up on froofy details like “he didn’t say good morning today, he must hate me” means you are not independent enough to have a boyfriend.
Girls get a different set of propaganda growing up
Not a gender thing. I'm a girl and I never liked kisses or cuddles AT ALL, hated saying I love you etc. Untill I met my man. And we grew together. Now I'm all up for the cutesy stuff.
It's such a weird stereotype that men aren't as romantic as women.
i am a man and i care about romantic details. there are plenty of terrible men and women out there, sometimes you just need to keep looking
Damn not saying good morning and good night makes you terrible?
I don't understand How that is even remotely romantic?
Everyone got different love languages, different way we express emotions, communicate. So talk it out girl if he's here to understand you, y'all will find a way
I (28M) don’t care too much about the good morning and good night. But my ex-gf never asked me how my day was. Even after I asked her. For me, it was about showing she had some level of interest in my work, even if only for a few minutes. Not sure if that’s considered romantic or not
Says who?
I fail to see what's romantic about just greeting someone lmao. Different story if it's good morning swetie/honey/petname
Since males has to pay for majority of stuff we have to think "how the fuck do I get to be rich as quickly as possible" imagining stuff without the means to be able to it just hurts
Im not saying that shit everyday lol, if you "need" that, then you should move on. I'm not a robot.
I don't know about your guy, but this is the way. Had a girl text me good morning with a smile every day and it made all those days.
I cared about all that and I’m a dude. My ex gf not so much.
So i don't think this much of gender thing than people just being people. Although..tbh i met more boys who fantize about romance and stuff and what they wanna do and wedding etc.. than I have in girls. But that could just be my own social group lol.
Cause it's what they crave.
It sounds to me as though your love language is words of affirmation, and your boyfriend does not speak that language There are 5 love languages 1. words of affirmation 2. Physical touch 3. Giving/receiving gifts 4. Quality time 5. Acts of service.. If you speak 1 and he speaks 5. Then you will both feel unloved in the relationship The nice thing is it's easy to learn to speak the other person's love language, you just need to figure out what it is.
I don’t really have a great answer, but I’ve heard many guys say the same thing about sexual details. They do things like sexual touch and sexual compliments all the time and they can’t understand how she’s doesn’t seem to care about these. I guess the best answer is that men and women are different and different things are more important to them, but just because something is less important doesn’t mean it’s not important.
Im with you. 38m. The cutsie stuff i adore. Fiance, 37f, not so much. People are different.
I always make note of these details, I’m just low key about it. When I have a date that goes well, I make note of the calendar date, or save the receipt from the restaurant. Anniversary of first kiss or first making love. When I find out her likes and dislikes, I jot them down in the notes app so I can buy her favorite treats when I stop at the store. I hang onto tiny mementos. I also make handmade cards, save every card or love note, even the little “I love you <3” note she left on the counter that morning just because.
On the good morning and good night thing.. I have known men who like to do this too and expect it in a relationship.. Hell even if you are just friends they wanted to chat daily. It's very much a personality thing. I find it endearing but also I am introverted so I can't stand idle conversation like that. I want it to be purposeful. So personally I would rather show interest by making plans for spending time together or doing something nice for someone I'm into. People just show affection differently.
dw, I’m a guy and I used to send good morning texts every day my gf at the time said that she hated it, it doesn’t do anything for her, she wants more things/attention, and was glad that I was making myself happy by sending these texts to her
I think they are different point of views of what is seen as romantic. Honesty for example is way higher up the list for me than a good morning text.Personally, I see nothing romantic about it.
Because estrogen amplifies the feelings that oxytocin creates. The relationship between oxytocin and testosterone is more complicated. Women on average lean more towards love and men towards pride. Individual differences however exist. This difference can be seen in the clothes that women and men wear - women's clothes have the message of love and men's pride.
Ask a guy, over a drink, right around 2AM. He will paint the woman with his words. All details to the T. He will make you see her even when you have never met "Her"
It isn't that at all. It is that the guys that women want don't care as much about that stuff. Also, women really want the dance/game/ritual/etc parts of relationship. Its why they almost universalltu want a wedding, but try to escape marriage.
its not that he doesn't care. it is that you both view romantic details as quite different things. men and women see the world differently, but we can be there for each other if we communicate our needs clearly without reservation or fear.
Because your brains are literally different from ours. A neurologist can tell the difference between a male and female brain just by looking at them. We're just wired differently. We're different animals. We evolved under wildly different reproductive pressures. The idea that we would be the same is absurd. Women place a much higher value on commitment and relationship stability than men do. This is an evolved behavior and its an adaptation to the extreme difficulty of raising human children. In our ancestral environment, a woman alone was unlikely to be able to raise a child to adulthood on her own. The commitment and help of the father meant life or death to her children so women evolved a persistent anxiety about commitment.
Dont generalize
Guys care about results, about the bigger picture, girls care about details and feelings and atmosphere and situations. Your boyfriend is in a relationship with you. That’s the important part for him. Having you. For you, the small things, the everyday details are they important parts.
Females are literal, males are physical.
There's a scene in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie where Darcy takes Elizabeth by the hand and guides her to her carriage. As he walks away, he flexes his hand. It is a brief moment that reveals how affected this otherwise stoic character is by the brief contact. It Isa very brief but well loved scene, and I have even read essays about it. I know people here think men and women are equally invested in romantic moments, but by far women are more enamored by them. I know plenty of romantic men, but some women to me love romance in a way that is almost obsessive. I don't know why, some of us just do. It's in the love of the tiny details. Perhaps because biologically men don't need to feel love to procreate, but women tend to because of the chance of pregnancy, so there is more need to find a partner they want for the long term. I love watching Bridgerton, particularly because I love going over every small moment and glance and hand touch with dedicated fans. I know very few, if any men that are that dedicated to those small details. Romance novels by far are written by women for women. There is a reason for that.
Speaking from what I see here from actual romantic interest between the "cisman" & "ciswoman" if I am even using those terms correctly (I don't indulge into most spaces these days). A guy will bring in a girl and want her to share his world with him, even expand it. A girl will bring in a guy, and expect him to turn her normal world into a dream/fantasy come true like the books or media she has been exposed to. It's no fault to either group because each of the two sexes have had their lives molded by sayings and qualifications to have them grow up and be a particular way. If a guy wants something he has to build his stuff to be around it so it comes true. If a girl wants something, she deserves it, and someone out there is going to come in and give her EXACTLY what she always dreamed of. This has also been reflected on the body types we seen in fantasy. Girls will see a Jessica Rabbit Figure and think "THOSE BODY PROPORTIONS ARE IMPOSSIBLE, NO ONE CAN REALISTICALLY LOOK LIKE THAT! WE NEED TO HAVE CHARACTERS THAT LOOK LIKE US!" But when a guy looks at a Goku or Superman, or Hulk, or Baki & Jojo characters, majority of the men go to the gym and a year or two later their bodies begin to rival that of their fantasy heroes. Now when it specifies to romance, the guy has always had his focus on fighting the dragon, defeating the sorcerer and getting the princess to rule the world. Tale as old as time. He always had his focus on making HIS dream come true and defeating anything that comes his way. Women on the other hand has had the princess treatment where they have things given to them, be it the knight that comes and kills a dragon to save them, or a fairy godmother that gives them the most beautiful dress, the most amazing carriage, and VIP tickets to the Ball. The guys have to deal with "this guy got his dream by working for it! If you want yours, work for it", while the women unfairly deal with, "you see this fair beautiful princess who goes on a carpet ride with a prince with a genie at his Beck and call who's madly in love with her. . . That could be you". Guys have always been taught to shape their goals into reality themselves, but girls have always been fed what their dream could be, and how their current life from young to present isn't enough. So when the relationship begins between a guy and a girl, the guy thinks "sweet! I actually finally completed my dream by having the girl of my dreams by my side" while the girl is thinking "finally, I have the guy by my side that will make all of my wildest dreams come true". And unfortunately for both, they won't be entirely happy with the results because the guy has to read her and realize, hes only ever made his dreams come true cause it's easier to see what is in his mind and bring it to the forefront. "How am I supposed to do that for someone else in her specific picture perfect way?" While the girl expects him to be EXACTLY like the guy in the books who will throw his jacket down when there is a puddle. . . Or more recently, "open the car door for her, open the building door for her, walk closest to the road while she's closer to the buildings, pull out the seat for her before she sits down, take care of the bill for the date, see an item she wants and be able to buy it for her. " but even when all of that is much, it even goes as simple as remembering an anniversary, buying flowers, even good morning and good night texts, feed into him building her world to be her dream come true. It's not impossible to find a guy who is willing and able to do that for a girl, nor is it impossible to find a girl who is just content to find a girl who will be simply happy with a guy in his world and even inspire his world to be better. But from what I've seen, girls look at the details a lot because they want it to be JUST LIKE they imagine, while most guys are out there living their own goals ¬ someone else's life.
Apparently I'm romantic according to my gf
Not true. Your projecting
It is about knowing they are considering you. If a guy cares for you they tend to consider you and your health/safety/comfort. If they act as if they are more important and no one else exists this is usually a sign they see you as surface level and not someone they want to impress or care for in any way. I also wonder if we look for a caring person because of the potential for child rearing - no one wants an angry selfish person in a house with kids. Seeing the kinder side of a man enables you to imagine lazy sunny mornings and a nice retirement IME.
They don't.
He cares. He cares because you're the only person on earth who gets in touch with him on a regular basis without work or an emergency being involved. But men can't show their emotions.
They certainly can, but some won't, but they should
We can, sure. Most of the time when we do, we get exploited for it, our emotions thrown back in our face. So I contest that last part. A lot of the time, dealing with a lot of the world, it's actually better to not share what you're feeling.
It might be beneficial to share feelings to those you trust. Like terapist. I don't think the therapist will exploit or ridicule you
Plenty of therapists have. Sorry, personal experience. You're going to have to come up with something else.
How many therapists have you tried? Which ones ridiculed you?
7 the first time, 5 the second time. So 13 in total. 3 in total have ridiculed me. 1 even told me to "man up".
So? It's only 23%. Majority (whooping 77%) didn't ridicule you
Get ridiculed by a therapist, then we'll talk. Percentage is nothing. A person you come to with problems doesn't ridicule you, that's no way to gain your trust. . I trust the therapists that didn't, and I walked out on the ones that did. That's the only way to answer that kind of behaviour.
If men want things it's viewed as needy and clingy and in some cases creepy If a woman wants more it's seen as forward and aggressive but overall sexy
>such as saying good morning and good night to me every day Because it's something you expect him to do to you, but you didn't mention doing the same to him first or in return
Guys are simple. Belly full, balls dry, and peace. The sooner women understand this the easier relationships with men can be.
My bf will almost never say anything romantic beyond I love you. However, he makes sure im fed, my car runs well, I have things I want not necessarily need, and that I am comfortable/content. I used to push for romantic stuff until I realized what he was doing was romance to him. I don’t need sentimentality anymore, I get the same feeling when he changes my wiper blades.
We do things instead of say things. Less talk more action. People have different love languages. Most men don't need words of affirmation. To men it is mostly physical touch and acts of service,. To women it is often words of affirmation and quality time. Gift giving is more fluid between the two. All interchangeable, but men tends to lean harder in certain areas and women in others.
To be fair, there are guys who care about romantic details too. Anyone can do these things; you just need to find someone who's a better match. You could try posting on my social app, **Lightup: Make Real Friends.** The app matches you with like-minded people based on your posts. Maybe by sharing your thoughts on romantic details, you'll find the right person.
Get a new man sis
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Don't ask for sentimental bullshit. A man who loves you, will make you feel loved anyway.
Agreed
Trust me I have an hand for women don't care about all that... And I'm hard missing these little things ...
Romance like boning and stuff ?
“A boy chases a girl until she catches him.”
So they can torture us later....../s
because girls and boys are two different essences. one is solar and the other is lunar.