>I do notice that when most people talk about masking they talk about how it's intentional and they practice it.
Nope, I didn't even realize I was masking until I was in my 30's!
The way I think of it is- changing your language for the environment is more “code switching” (when around kids or at work). I do think code switching is more exhausting for me than others cause I have to monitor what I say a lot which is mentally draining.
But I consider masking to be specifically trying to cover up my autistic traits to make others feel comfortable and manage the other person’s emotions.
For example, I repress most of my stimming or use more socially acceptable stimming like finger picking or cheek biting instead of pacing or arm shaking.
I also strictly monitor what the other person is saying and thinking of what to say next while they’re still talking so I can answer very quickly instead of taking my time to think about what I want to say.
I also try hard to accommodate other people and put their needs above my own. This is more of a people pleaser thing but I feel like I developed it because I want others to see me as “not making a fuss” in order to avoid the pain of confrontation or being told I’m too sensitive.
Lastly, I change my reactions to what I think people want to see. If I’m having a fun time, I don’t always feel the need to smile, but I will do it anyway because other people interpret me not smiling as me being upset.
I also never practiced these things. They mostly just developed on their own as reactions/ways to cope with the treatment I was receiving when I was younger. There are some things I changed purposefully because I took the whole “you can be whoever you want to be” very seriously. I pretended to be much more outgoing and bubbly once I realized people liked that more than the way I actually am.
When I was younger I was conscious of masking to hide autistic traits. It took effort to make eye contact, script conversation, change my tone and expression so I don't have the flat effect. I used to feel uncomfortable because it felt fake.
I also felt pressured to change who I was to fit in. Being autistic felt like a secret identity I had to keep hidden. When trying to make friends I'll pretend to be interested in things I didn't care about, dress and act differently. Ultimately, it depressed me because if I let down my mask I wasn't liked or accepted.
I had to go through a period of spending time on my own and reconnecting with my own interest. I stopped caring about what other people thought. I did find friends who accepted me and sometimes it's easier with ND people.
I'm 40 and I don't feel I have to mask. I pass as neurotypical as I can socialise and make eye contact. While socialising can still be tiring, I'm not conscious of having to change myself or be someone I'm not to fit in.
I can’t tell either. I’m 41 now, and I think I’ve become the mask. My stims have developed so as to be undetectable, even when I’m alone. I’m very sociable when I have to be, but if I have a choice, I avoid people (impossible most of the time, as I’m in a managerial position at work, have two kids and a partner). I verbally stim as well, but never out loud, I just think them, like when I see a bird, I just subvocalize ”bird”, for instance. I have a huge vocabulary (languages are a special interest), but prefer veing nonverbal, which, again, isn’t really a choice, as my job is mostly talking, and I talk to my kids all the time. Thankfully my partner understands that sometimes I just can’t produce speech without immense effort.
I feel like there’s nothing left of the person I would have been without the need to mask, and sometimes I have a hard time knowing who I am exactly, because most of the things I do are predicated on the needs of others, and what I think people expect a human to do. I don’t know. It’s exhausting, man.
Wow, your experiences sound really similar to mine. I'm a 40y mother of two, working as an IT specialist. Recently I've been questioning myself and whether I'm masking or not, since as a mom of two, I really don't have any time on my own. (So I don't really get to be myself.) I feel like I don't really know who I am, but I do know the person everyone expects me to be.
I have a couple of friends, who are on the spectrum. With them, it's much less consuming to interact than with most people.
The sad thing is, I sometimes feel like I'm strongly masking with my 5yo neurotypical daughter (especially with highly emotional situations). Yet with my 8yo AuDHD son, I feel like I can relax and be more like myself, or at least I don't need to think about how to act or react. This sometimes makes me worry if I can be a good mother to both of them so that they don't see me very differently. :/
I relate to a lot of this! I grew up in a fairly progressive and neurodivergent city. I’m pretty sure my father is on the spectrum, but has lived very contentedly. I was around positive, eccentric people from a young age. I do have my fair share of social anxiety, but am pretty lenient. I have a sense of humour about some social faux pas situations. Sometimes, I do feel phony (that was primarily in my 20s) but mostly now I feel like a version of myself is enhanced as you have described.
>I do notice that when most people talk about masking they talk about how it's intentional and they practice it. Nope, I didn't even realize I was masking until I was in my 30's!
The way I think of it is- changing your language for the environment is more “code switching” (when around kids or at work). I do think code switching is more exhausting for me than others cause I have to monitor what I say a lot which is mentally draining. But I consider masking to be specifically trying to cover up my autistic traits to make others feel comfortable and manage the other person’s emotions. For example, I repress most of my stimming or use more socially acceptable stimming like finger picking or cheek biting instead of pacing or arm shaking. I also strictly monitor what the other person is saying and thinking of what to say next while they’re still talking so I can answer very quickly instead of taking my time to think about what I want to say. I also try hard to accommodate other people and put their needs above my own. This is more of a people pleaser thing but I feel like I developed it because I want others to see me as “not making a fuss” in order to avoid the pain of confrontation or being told I’m too sensitive. Lastly, I change my reactions to what I think people want to see. If I’m having a fun time, I don’t always feel the need to smile, but I will do it anyway because other people interpret me not smiling as me being upset. I also never practiced these things. They mostly just developed on their own as reactions/ways to cope with the treatment I was receiving when I was younger. There are some things I changed purposefully because I took the whole “you can be whoever you want to be” very seriously. I pretended to be much more outgoing and bubbly once I realized people liked that more than the way I actually am.
When I was younger I was conscious of masking to hide autistic traits. It took effort to make eye contact, script conversation, change my tone and expression so I don't have the flat effect. I used to feel uncomfortable because it felt fake. I also felt pressured to change who I was to fit in. Being autistic felt like a secret identity I had to keep hidden. When trying to make friends I'll pretend to be interested in things I didn't care about, dress and act differently. Ultimately, it depressed me because if I let down my mask I wasn't liked or accepted. I had to go through a period of spending time on my own and reconnecting with my own interest. I stopped caring about what other people thought. I did find friends who accepted me and sometimes it's easier with ND people. I'm 40 and I don't feel I have to mask. I pass as neurotypical as I can socialise and make eye contact. While socialising can still be tiring, I'm not conscious of having to change myself or be someone I'm not to fit in.
I can’t tell either. I’m 41 now, and I think I’ve become the mask. My stims have developed so as to be undetectable, even when I’m alone. I’m very sociable when I have to be, but if I have a choice, I avoid people (impossible most of the time, as I’m in a managerial position at work, have two kids and a partner). I verbally stim as well, but never out loud, I just think them, like when I see a bird, I just subvocalize ”bird”, for instance. I have a huge vocabulary (languages are a special interest), but prefer veing nonverbal, which, again, isn’t really a choice, as my job is mostly talking, and I talk to my kids all the time. Thankfully my partner understands that sometimes I just can’t produce speech without immense effort. I feel like there’s nothing left of the person I would have been without the need to mask, and sometimes I have a hard time knowing who I am exactly, because most of the things I do are predicated on the needs of others, and what I think people expect a human to do. I don’t know. It’s exhausting, man.
Wow, your experiences sound really similar to mine. I'm a 40y mother of two, working as an IT specialist. Recently I've been questioning myself and whether I'm masking or not, since as a mom of two, I really don't have any time on my own. (So I don't really get to be myself.) I feel like I don't really know who I am, but I do know the person everyone expects me to be. I have a couple of friends, who are on the spectrum. With them, it's much less consuming to interact than with most people. The sad thing is, I sometimes feel like I'm strongly masking with my 5yo neurotypical daughter (especially with highly emotional situations). Yet with my 8yo AuDHD son, I feel like I can relax and be more like myself, or at least I don't need to think about how to act or react. This sometimes makes me worry if I can be a good mother to both of them so that they don't see me very differently. :/
I relate to a lot of this! I grew up in a fairly progressive and neurodivergent city. I’m pretty sure my father is on the spectrum, but has lived very contentedly. I was around positive, eccentric people from a young age. I do have my fair share of social anxiety, but am pretty lenient. I have a sense of humour about some social faux pas situations. Sometimes, I do feel phony (that was primarily in my 20s) but mostly now I feel like a version of myself is enhanced as you have described.