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OP, you *need* to bring this up to a parent. I completely understand that it’s an extremely awkward topic, but your brother being autistic does NOT mean your parents shouldn’t be trying to correct that behavior ASAP.
You deserve to feel safe in your home, and letting these behaviors go isn’t being kind or accommodating your brother’s needs. In fact, if there isn’t a major effort to help him now, there’s a very real chance of your brother being set up for a life of indecent exposure arrests, assault charges, and even being put on a sexual offender registry, which will potentially follow him for *life.*
And that’s not even mentioning all the people his ‘not ill intentioned’ actions might harm.
Please, sit down with your parents and tell them what’s going on. Your brother deserves help, and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.
Sincerely, an autistic lady.
I agree. I would assume your brother has no idea what is and isn’t appropriate due to his age and your parents infantalizing him. Your mom’s reaction to his previous behavior makes me think she’s not good at holding him accountable for his actions in a proper way, like she think he can get away with stuff because of his autism.
I know it’s hard but when you approach your parents, try your best to be very direct. Explain that he’s been doing inappropriate things, and that you NEED them to hold him accountable and explain what’s appropriate to him.
especially since it’s (understandably) making you feel violated and freaked out. autism isn’t an excuse to let this slide, and it’s all the more reason that it’s important to be direct, emphatic, and stern with him about how serious and inappropriate this is. and you should not have to handle this alone (especially since it seems he’s not receptive to your responses); this is 100% your parents’ job to make sure he doesn’t continue this behavior
Thank you for your comment I really appreciate it. Didn’t even think abt how it could affect him when he’s older I already was scared for if he ever goes in the real world just realized how this is a big problem. Part of my mind is just hoping he will do it in front of parents when I’m not around so I don’t have to confront the situation and then they can deal with it but I really don’t know. Tbh I don’t want to talk to my mom face to face def not gonna bring it up to my dad. Do u have anything specific that I could say to my mom in a text please? Blanking everytime I try and think of a message to send her.
I understand your fear OP, and a text is fine for now. But you also need to be prepared for your mom to want to have a face-to-face discussion about this with you.
As for your dad, I genuinely think he needs to hear this too. You could text him as well, but as a man himself, he could potentially be better at explaining to your brother how what he’s doing is unacceptable. And consider how your mother acted the last time your brother violated your space, I think he needs to be involved.
It can help to practice writing texts and sending them to yourself, so you can figure out what you wanna say. Then, once you have it all finished, you can copy+paste it into a text to your mother (and if you take my advice, father.)
u/123ineedhelp456 But here’s a potential starter, that you can use to work off of-
Hey mom, I really need to talk to you about something, and I’m really scared how you might react.
(Brother’s name) has been making me feel really uncomfortable lately. A month ago, he tried to rub his erection on me while we were sitting on the couch together. You were there, but I was so shocked and scared that I didn’t know how to tell you about it.
I thought it might just be a one time thing, but yesterday, he was masturbating to a YouTube video in the living room. I asked him to go to his room to do that, but he refused and laughed at me.
I’ve been feeling really scared and alone, and while it’s really hard to talk to you about this stuff, I feel like things will get really bad if I don’t. I’m not sure what to do, and I really think it might help if you and dad talk to him about this.
Edit- added OP’s username so they’d have a better chance of reading this
Oh man, I’ve done a double comment like this a few times, and I was always just assuming if they ever read back they’d see it- thank you for letting me know, that helps! C:
hi OP! here’s a text that might help, and you can edit it to fit your situation:
“Mom, there’s something I have been meaning to speak to you about but it is a bit of a difficult subject. (Brother’s name) has been (insert his behaviors here) and it has been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe. It makes me worried for my safety and I needed to tell you.”
you can add/subtract anything you want and i hope this at least is a nice base text
Sweetie, something similar happened to me with my autistic brother when I was 10 or 11, and to this very day I wish I had spoken up to my mum so something could be done, even if it was only peace of mind for me. I'm now nearly 31, I still haven't told my mum and it doesn't feel like I can after all these years. Honest, meaningful conversations are sometimes the hardest to start, but they are always worth having! I hope you find strength to approach it with your parents, even if it's just a small written something to get the conversation started. Many hugs from an ADHD mum on the Internet ❤️
Hi I’m sorry that happen to you Ty for sharing your experience 🫶🏾 when I wrote this post I wasn’t expecting so many people to relate, glad I could start a conversation and ty for the advice
> Part of my mind is just hoping he will do it in front of parents when I’m not around
have you not considered that he's doing it specifically when your parents aren't around...? on purpose...?
"Mom, I am worried about Brother's behavior. It has become apparent that he is experiencing puberty and he is expressing it inappropriately." would be a mild way to put it
Better: "Mom is that Brother has seen or hear you making love with father, or in a movie, internet porn or something like that? Because he whats to try this on me :( "
The easiest thing to do is to pull this up on your device and let them read it.
You got this.
Advocating for yourself is one of the most important things you can do.
I work in disability support and this behaviour definitely reduces the number of staff who are available to support some people which further disadvantages them when staff move away or fall ill.
One guy in his early twenties was isolating himself a lot due to this issue, but the organisation provided him with a behavioural therapist who meets with him, with his family and with staff to come up with strategies to help. It is working really well, and he has been participating in community activities far more and he's much happier now that he is more social and feels welcome everywhere.
I will hijack this a bit to point out.
Autism is a cause, not an excuse.
You should always be held accountable for your actions and have them corrected. Do not be the reason of your autistic child having less chance of functioning with others due to allowing bad behavior.
This is all true - your family may balk even when you say this, so if the above doesn't work, then you need to lay down the law for them.
Go have a talk with your dad privately and then tell him how inappropriate he has been.
Reiterate that this is not acceptable and you expect there to be steps taken by your parents.
And if they waffle, tell them that you insist because otherwise they will be burying your baby brother after he dies by violence.
If your autistic baby brother becomes a problem for others and acts inappropriately sexually - please understand that "normal folks" do not offer grace to individuals like that
People, to be entirely frank, barely tolerate autistic people.
His life is in danger, he will do this to someone else's daughter and someone will shoot him and face zero consequences for it.
Your parents will bury their baby boy and be unable to even memorialize him in public.
Sincerely,
Mr. Spectrum
This. If he doesn’t know this behaviour is never okay, he could end up becoming an abuser unintentionally and that has consequences.
If he did that at a work place or a university he’d be thrown out, barred and unlikely to ever find a job elsewhere.
If he does it to another little girl that isn’t his sister who understands he doesn’t mean it, her parents will kill him or try to.
The world is not forgiving of inappropro sexual conduct. It’s like the most universally frowned upon thing ever.
Idk which country you’re in but many of them like mine, have prevention or child sexual abuse laws that will hold another minor accountable for sexual acts done and it’s male specific to a large extent. Aka being a child doesn’t necessarily protect him from the consequences.
You’re doing this for you, but you’re also doing this for him and that might be a good way to approach it.
u/123ineedhelp456 This is so important. I hope you read this in comment or others saying it. He's likely not going to be capable of being as sneaky as people often need to be to get away with sexual abuse so he's very likely to get caught if this continues into adulthood and people will show no mercy, considering both ableism and the rage that is felt towards sexual abusers.
I think that after talking to your parents, if they don't take you VERY seriously or maybe just regardless, you need to show them this post and the comments that make it clear that this is a major problem that needs to be dealt with immediately. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that your mother didn't correct your brother properly when he touched you inappropriately in her presence.
Also, he might not be at this point but even with his delays he will probably learn that he gets away with this when your parents aren't around, and it could get to a point where he abuses other people when adults aren't around- and that would mean children.
As autistic people, we're all different, all capable of different things, and sometimes capable of understanding or doing more that we're given credit for. Sometimes not, but you have to be careful and hold people accountable anyway.
Seriously. They're not going to think him behaving antisocially, even without I'll intent, is so "silly" at all. The consequences will be horrific and unforgiving if this isn't immediately stopped.
I would also add that if the reaction of screaming and being horrified gets wired into his sexual response, it’s even more likely that he may do things like indecent exposure or peeping Tom stuff to keep getting that reaction as part of what turns him on.
Needs to be addressed now and everyone in the house get on the same page how to react so as to not create a bigger problem.
This is such an important point, thank you so much for adding this! Humans are pattern-finders, and if he connects screaming with pleasure (which could very much happen, with his developmental delays) that could be a devastating thing to try and undo later in life.
The kid is ten and still non-verbal. His hormones are firing. He is rubbing the outside of his pants. The only difference between him and any other 10 year old is that he doesn’t have the social awareness to know to do it in private. Please take a breath before labeling him a sexual deviant. Seriously, chill.
I’m sorry, but most neurotypical 10 year olds are *not* rubbing their genitals on other people without consent.
When children are not taught better, they cannot be expected to *do better.* And autistic children DO sometimes need to have extra effort put in to ensure they understand that there are things that are unacceptable to do to others.
I’m not exaggerating or calling the brother a ‘deviant’- I’m telling OP the very real possibility of what can happen when behaviors like this are left unchecked. Her brother is young and small now, but as he gets older and stronger, he needs to be taught to control his urges in appropriate ways, not sexually assault people.
And yes, his rubbing himself on his sister is sexual assault, and no stranger in the real world will care that he’s non-verbal autistic if he’s doing this as a 16+ teenager, so the help needs to start NOW. And even just the rubbing could be considered public indecency, which is STILL A CRIME.
Please consider what you tell impressionable young people- the excusing of children’s behaviors is a big reason there are so many autistic/ND adults who go to jail because they were never taught boundaries or had them enforced as children.
Your safety is priority number 1!!! Tell your parents, if they don't act, tell a teacher and ask for their help and mention your parents refuse to protect you. I know it's going to be difficult to do this but better that than living with horrible trauma the rest of your life which will influence you to extends you can't imagine.
Honestly I’m really avoiding bringing this up with parents. I have a therapist do u think I could tell her to tell my parents?? I don’t want my brother to get sent to a home or something if I tell her
If you tell your parents and they brush it off, absolutely tell your therapist.
I doubt your brother will be put in a home, but even if he *is* removed from your parent’s care, that is 1000% NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. If your parents have a chance to correct him and refuse to do so, the kindest thing to do for both you and your brother is have someone capable and willing to help him step in.
Your brother won't necessarily be sent to a home, there are a lot of options. You can talk to your therapist about your fears, of course you care for your brother and don't want anything bad to him either. Most people who sexually abuse others are close such as family or friend, so that's why many people don't report their assault. You have been assaulted, even if didn't understand that's what he was doing, and you deserve help, you don't have to keep this a secret eating you up inside. Wishing you the best of luck and safety.
Also, just note if you do talk to your therapist, if you are in the US therapists are required by law to report it if you are unsafe at home as a minor.
1000000% tell your therapist because she can also help you find a way to communicate this with your parents whether it’s helping you write a message or have her talk to them (yes, this is allowed!) or even mediate in a conversation. There’s a variety of options and she can help you with them. Wishing you the best.
You can absolutely tell your therapist to tell your parents!!! I know it’s awkward and uncomfortable but that’ll be very very short term and will pass. ***PLEASE*** tell your parents ***and*** talk about it with your therapist. At a minimum tell your therapist but I think you should do both.
Therapists aren't supposed to break patient confidentiality unless someone is in immediate danger, so they should be a safe person to talk about this with. My therapist has informed other people of things on my behalf a couple of times before, but every time we discussed what I wanted to do first and they always send me the first draft of the email to approve before they send anything to someone else.
If your brother has counselling or a therapist or something himself I think I'd inform them too (or ask your therapist talk to his therapist) because they'd probably be a good person to explained to him that what he's doing is wrong and why. Your parents must not be allowed to ignore this serious issue. If they don't take action to stop it, take evidence to someone who will.
In the meantime, I'd consider limiting how much you share your personal space with your brother until you can trust him not to assault you. I love that you love him, but please remember:
- **You're not obligated to put yourself in harms way.**
- **You can protect yourself and enforce boundaries without loving your brother any less.**
this ^ this is one of a therapists many purposes, helping us navigate life. your therapist may even help you write a script to start the convo, come up with responses to possible questions/comments, and they may even suggest some resources that could help.
If it's delt with properly and safely, nothing will happen to him. He just needs guidance.
The worst that could happen is that no-one does anything about this an he does something similar to a stranger, which would likely result in police, child protective services and the like. It's definitely best to bring it up with your parents first and then let them find a professional, if they don't take this seriously please do tell your therapist.
Absolutely! Sounds like you could really benefit in general from your therapist helping you develop a healthy relationship with establishing boundaries.
Standing up for yourself and sharing what you are experiencing with trusted adults doesn't mean something bad has to happen to the other person at all.
If his behavior escalates he will definitely be sent away. The best thing you can do is tell your parents so that they can curb his behavior before it gets too out of hand
100% tell your parents and have them read the responses here so that hopefully they don’t end up traumatizing either of you.
Your brother needs to receive instruction and guidance as he starts discovering his sexuality, particularly about it being private and not something done around others without their consent. That’s your parents’ job. Not yours.
You need to receive safety and the ability to be comfortable in your home. That’s also your parents’ job, but if they don’t know that your safety and comfort are being violated, they aren’t going to be able to focus on preventing that from happening again.
My son, I'm (m50), started doing this and my daughters made sure to let me know so I could explain to him. I dont know if your brother has a therapist but my son has since he was 8. A shrink or therapist is better equipped to handle this issue. I hope this sa helps and you can continue to have a good relationship with him in the future.
Thank you it’s comforting to see a parent with the same situation and glad you helped your daughters it gives me hope. Did u ever talk to the regular pediatrician about your sons issue? My mom told me she is taking him to the doctor wonder if it would be helpful for her to bring up at the doctors app, or is it unhelpful. Trying to figure if I should tell her before the app? if it’s irrelevant for pediatrician, I’ll probably wait a little longer
Documenting these behaviors with his doctor is a good idea. Puberty is part of his health, so my recommendation is to tell your mom before the apt and encourage her to bring it up with his pediatrician. Take care of yourself op 🫶🏽 I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
It's is absolutely relevant to the pediatrician. You can't keep putting this off. In doing so you're potentially allowing the problem to get worse and that is terrifying for you AND your brother. What you're doing by telling your parents as soon as possible is not just protecting yourself; it is an act of love towards your brother by keeping him from becoming someone who does this as a stim or just doesn't know not to assault others in this way due to being unaware of social norms. Keeping him from potentially TERRIBLE consequences. He needs help here.
this is not a terribly uncommon scenario, unfortunately. he doesn't understand his behaviour is inappropriate.
find some time to talk to your parents privately, make sure they know you're serious and what things he has done that have made you uncomfortable.
he can be taught to keep his sexual behaviour private and to himself, and your parents can help him if you let them know the severity
I've going through something similar with my younger brother and trust me when I say it's best to tell your parents before this becomes a habit
my brother never touched himself openly but he would touch me instead no matter how much I told him it's disgusting and made me feel uncomfortable. I also wished deep down that my mom would hear me scream and intervene but she dismissed it because "hes just a kid" and to this very day he still violates my boundaries due to his behaviour not being taken seriously
because your mom was dismissive when you tried to tell her that time, it's definitely better to try talking with your dad. I know it's an awkward conversation but you can text him and tell him what your brother's doing or, as others have said, show them this post so that you don't have to explain everything again
wishing you all the best, op. hopefully your parents do something to correct this behaviour before it gets worse
I’m so sorry that happened to you I know how painful it is and I can’t imagine how you feel when your mom brushes it off, I don’t think my mom would do that but I am also scared she will just brush it off or pull the autism excuse which is why I’m reluctant to say anything but I definitely don’t want it to get worse because this alone is pretty bad. Thank you for your comment and tbh I think imma tell me therapist so she can carry the message that’s just more comfortable for me 🫶🏾 thank you for your comment and again, sorry you relate
Things will be more uncomfortable for you the longer you wait.
If they pull the autism excuse be insistent on how he can still be taught not to do inappropriate things regardless, and how it’s important that he’s taught it soon so he doesn’t become a rapist in the future. I know he’s just a child now and he’s not currently doing it for disgusting reasons, but that will 100% change in the near future.
This is only the beginning and you need to tell your parents! I was too scared to tell on my brother when we were children and he tried to molest me, and then last year my 10 year old sister told my mom in a text that he had been sexually abusing her since she was a toddler. (He was 17 turning 18 at this time)
I thought that his behaviors stopped when we were children, and I brushed it off as he was just a confused child. But no, he did not stop, he learned it was wrong and just chose a different victim who couldn’t defend herself.
Anyway my point is that he’s currently at an age where this behavior can be changed. Please do not let your fear keep him from learning that it’s wrong. He needs adult intervention.
I think you need to tell your parents exactly what you're telling us here. They need to teach him exactly what you were trying to tell him- that kind of stuff is done in private, and never to others, specially without their consent.
OP, please let your parents know. If your parents don’t listen, talk to another trusted adult like a teacher. He’s realized that something feels good and is sensory-wise pretty nice. He might not realize that it’s inappropriate. Being 10, he’s on the cusp of puberty and it’s very possible that as he continues to grow and develop this behavior can escalate if not addressed.
There’s lots of ways an adult can help him understand how not to do that. A parent or a professional should be notified right away so they can implement an intervention. You have to find an adult you trust enough to tell.
My fiance used to just wank in the living room in front of his mum when he was 10.
He's neurotypical. His mum said that's fine you can do this but do it in your room only it isn't appropriate to do infront of people.
You need to bring this up to your parents. I'd you don't say anything you are
1 failing your brother by letting it happen
2 denying him a learning opportunity
3 it will keep going
You absolutely have to tell your parents. If this isn't addressed, you can end up with a brother who's 30 and still wanks in public.
This needs to be curbed now.
I’d remove and reframe 1&2, they both read very victim blamey to me. OP is 14!!!! It’s not her job to educate and parent her 10 year old brother! That’s the brother’s parents’ responsibility.
OP, none of this is your responsibility nor your fault, the only thing you need to do is tell your parents and if they don’t listen and act on it - tell a teacher, doctor, therapist, or school counselor. Sorry this is happening to you, it’s not normal nor your responsibility to teach your brother and it shouldn’t be happening to you.
Wrong actually.
If the parents aren't seeing this, how are they going to know in order to curb it?
They absolutely need to be fucking told, and disagreeing with that simple fact makes you honestly look insane.
All points are valid. If the behavior isn't corrected, it will continue, if it continues because she stayed quiet, she is by proxy letting her brother down and settling him up to fail later in life.
Its gross and kinda of disturbing yes, but it will get even more gross and disturbing if the parents aren't told.
I'm also not victim blaming. I'm stating a fact. If her brother is only doing this around her, and she doesn't say anything, the behavior wont get better, infect it will get worse. By her staying quiet, she is literally setting her brother up for failure. What she witness was gross, and probably a bit traumatic. Of course it is, but imagine what this will be like when hes 19 and nobody said anything, when he was 10.
… OP should absolutely tell her parents? I never said that she shouldn’t? I disagree that it’s on OP to correct her brother…. OP is a child, she should tell her parents… every time it happens so they, as adults, can parent the problem…. Every time it happens, op should go tell the parents.
He needs therapy. It's difficult to communicate when the physical age and mental age don't match, but if he ever does this in public even once, people won't be as understandable and kind, it's very dangerous.
Autistic parent to two autistic kids.
Please please please tell a parent so they can handle this.
Self stimulation is super common in neurotypical kids too but autistic kids struggle with the social aspects of it as well.
We use words like “body boundaries” in our house. Both of my kids stick their hands in their pants and we say “that is a private activity, please go to your room to do that”
I’d say,
“That is not appropriate to do in front of me, you are not respecting my body boundaries when you do that. You need to do that in private or I’m going to tell Dad that you are not being appropriate in a shared space.”
Then go tell your parent because he is most likely not going to listen to you but the follow through with telling a parent is what is going to solidify it.
“Don’t touch my body like that, you’re not respecting my body.” And then remove yourself.
It’s not fair that it’s up to you to do this but it seems like nobody has taken the time to teach these boundaries to him yet so you sadly need to get your parents to engage in this more.
Not listening? Get a parent. Refusing to respect your body? Remove yourself from the area and tell a parent.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment in a sea of nastiness. OP absolutely deserves to be respected and feel safe in her own home and the way she is reacting is absolutely understandable for a 14 year old. That said, lashing out on him if he does not understand those boundaries in the first place can have such harmful effects. Again, I completely understand it coming from a 14 year old in this situation! What concerns me is how many people in the comments would like the parents to be just as brutal, or would clearly be just as brutal themselves. Don't get me wrong, the parents absolutely need to nip this or seek professional help if they can't navigate it themselves because OP does not deserve to suffer any more than the sibling does.
It really bothers me that so many people are using their own (lower support needs) autism as proof that he's doing this on purpose, a pervert, etc and deserves to be punished. How is this a move in the ""right"" direction? The irony is that these same people would call even modern ABA abusive which is quite LITERALLY meant to help with situations like this. I feel like this post really highlights the disconnect between one end of the spectrum and another, and why it's damaging that one side is so much more outspoken the other currently. It feels like we're going backwards sometimes :/
Yeah I agree about the lashing out but that’s a very understandable response to a pretty upsetting situation!
It’s honestly surprising that her parents haven’t implemented any attempt with setting any kind of boundary around this considering he is 10. My kids are only 3 and 6 and yeah the boundary thing doesn’t work every single time but my kids are able to say “I need space for my body” and are relatively good at respecting that for other people
I find most of the time it’s just because they have no frame of reference and just need it explained to them. “Brother does not want you to touch him right now because he’s feeling a little overwhelmed”.
Everything else I’m going to have to disagree, we don’t engage in ABA, modern or otherwise. I think the language is harmful, the practices don’t focus on neurodiversity affirming methods, and I personally think that the majority of “behaviors” addressed in ABA are not behavioral, they are an unmet need/untaught skill. ABA sounds nice in theory until you look at the practices used which studies are showing do not work.
This is not me performing extinction like in ABA, this is modeling and setting clear and healthy boundaries.
I prefer to find a solution where my children are collaborating and able to express discomfort in the methods used, very similar to Dr. Ross Greene’s CPS model.
If you’re interested here’s a little overview of his approach [CPS Approach](https://drrossgreene.com/about-cps.htm)
I do think a lot of this is on the parents and they absolutely should have been proactive or, again, sough assistance sooner rather than later. That said please keep in mind that even being able to communicate that (especially at 3) is actually pretty advanced as far as autism goes. Boundary issues especially for high needs parts of the spectrum is a big issue and so is things "sticking". that was my biggest problem. I don't have a boundary issue but even now I do still have issues with things sticking and often even now need reminders for certain things (again, not boundaries but other things)
on that same note, There is a lot of misinformation surrounding modern ABA. I went through ABA and would not be writing this comment if I hadn't. It didn't "cure" me of autism, or even really try to. But it did help with a lot of very harmful behaviors, and I was not responding to any other therapy. I've obviously long since aged out of my old specific program and it's very hard finding adult programs that are more ABA based but even to this day I don't respond to "typical" therapy methods. There are bad apples and worse origins, don't get me wrong. But the same could be said for almost all medical practices. But FWIW I am in many groups of people that feel the same and had equally positive experiences. I'm not saying that people aren't entitled to have a different opinion, but I do think it's dangerous the anti ABA echo chamber because for some kids it IS the only thing that helps. Me personally my therapist (and family for that matter) would choose their battles. For example, many people think ABA is anti stimming. MODERN Aba this is not necessarily true. My therapist helped my family understand stimming better. For example, I stim by "rolling" my eyes (it's not really rolling, it's just looking up, but it like "stetches" my eyes). My family would get really upset by this because it came across as rude but it actually helped them be more understanding of it. On the flip side I have permanent nerve damage from picking at my skin and ABA was the ONLY thing that helped to curb it at the time. When I started ABA I had to be homeschooled because I literally could not go to school, and I was ultimately able to return. I still struggle a lot but I have a job, I have an apartment. I don't think any of this would be true if I hadn't recieved this 14 years ago. For people like me, I find the language shift where some people don't even consider autism a disability far more harmful than anything I experienced there
Not to write a novel lol. But I feel like it just kinda goes into my initial frustration which is that people often forget that different needs levels need different approaches and I feel like you ONLY hear from one side. I do t hink for a lot of people with autism, ABA isn't the answer, and for a lot of lower needs ones especially level 1 it would be bordering abusive to subject them to ABA. I also feel like that is why there's such negativity surrounding it, because consequently it's easier for them to communicate, vs those who it has helped or rely on it. So for others, it could be abusive not to at least consider. Or I guess that's a little strong of a word, but they would miss out. I also will say, at 6 and under, most of the things you are doing for your kids like even for neurotypical kids, there isn't an expectation of them being very independent to begin with if that makes sense.
Also, you seem like a great mom, and very well educated, with emotional maturity and patience. This is unfortunately not the norm. I love my family, I do not blame them at all in the slightest because like many others, they tried their hardest. But I genuinely can not imagine how bad my life wouldve been if they didn't have help. And not to project on OP's family but the fact this has gone unnoticed so long they clearly need strong intervention and help as well imho. Things like ABA (although maybe not exclusive) teach the parents skills just as much as kids often. like in a perfect world everyone would know how to perfectly address their child with autism but i dont think anyone is fully prepared. i honestly do not think i wouldve been able to raise me, during certain periods.
Well my 3yo has low support needs and is only slightly speech delayed, my 6yo has high support needs and is a gestalt processor that is unable to utilize AAC so we implemented these phrases as gestalts so he could communicate that. Addressing his sensory needs, medical concerns and taking literal notes on what certain non verbal cues meant was the only reason we were able to get to a point where he can communicate all of his needs to us. Through gestalts, gestures, single words, noises, pictures, and leading.
I myself have moderate support needs, use AAC to communicate, am unable to work, unable to keep housing by myself, and frequently engage in self injury so when people assume that because I’m hyperlexic I have lower support needs it’s more than a little frustrating. I can only communicate my needs effectively through text.
The difference between you wanting to utilize ABA and me putting my children in any variation of ABA is that you as an adult can make that choice and unless you have a proxy or power of attorney your choice is 100% respected. A lot of the time children do not have a say in their treatment options which is my biggest issue with it personally.
Especially when it is neurotypical parents that are unable to distinguish autistic burnout, masking, and genuine distress from improvement and general refusal and they are told masking is improving and burnout is just a bump in the road on the journey of treatment.
Growing up as a kid that needed to mask to avoid abuse I am terrified of my children masking their struggles because they are afraid that no one will listen to them.
I’m not referring to old ABAs approaches of stopping stimming or forced eye contact or hand over hand when I say I’m against ABA, I’m aware that some providers don’t utilize that. I’m referring to reward based approaches, extinction, planned ignoring things like that. These are things that I wouldn’t even utilize with another adult because I fundamentally think they are harmful, not just because they are part of ABA.
I don’t even agree with PBIS which is used in the public school system here because it is rewards based.
The only time I don’t have an issue with anything remotely related to behaviorism is when someone actively chooses to implement these strategies because they have complete control over that and autonomy over themselves.
We implement complete autonomy for our kids outside of things we call “safety rules” and hygiene.
I completely agree that the people trying to say autism isn’t a disability are harmful, but disabled people also have a right to autonomy and my problem stands with children being subjected to potentially harmful therapy with no autonomy in the situation.
I just think in general there has to be a better option than waiting for them to either be so negatively impacted that they burnout or keeping them from treatment that they want but can’t communicate a need for.
And I truly understand the parent’s side of it as well, especially if they’re not autistic. It’s a completely new realm for them and they’re willing to try whatever they can.
There just has to be a better pathway to determine an autistic kids needs besides traumatizing them either way, ya know?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t it feels like.
i understand where you're coming from, but for what it's worth i was a child when i was in aba; that is my point. at the time you're right, i didn't have really have a choice to go or not. but that is honestly why it worked, and why nothing else did, or does for me. I'm not saying to put your kids in aba. it sounds like what you're doing works for them, and that's great. I'm just saying that it really does depend on the kid. Autonomy is important.. when it's possible. BUt it does not work for every child and this is coming from the perspective of someone who WAS that child. ABA was not traumatizing for me. There absolutely were parts of it I didn't enjoy and as a kid probably HATED certain parts. But looking back I am thankful because they are things I wouldnt have done otherwise. I am in several autism groups where people had very similiar experience. I guess that's just my point. Not that ABA is perfect or always the choice, but just that it suffers from people have strong opinions about it but no experience with it.
A lot of the things you mention are actually big parts of modern aba. Like, most of the good modern aba do not really force anything that isnt a safety issue or quality of life issue but i do guess it depends on what you qualify as a safety issue. It is very rewards based though, but I guess that's one thing we will always just have to agree to disagree on bc again that's the only thing that works for me, so I'm biased and its hard to see why it's bad. but i do understna people can have the opposite view
anyway tl;dr i absolutely agree with you on most of your points. and i do think at all costs, IF POSSIBLE, the least intrusive measures should be taken with the most atonomy given to kids. but the deeper you get into the spectrum sometimes it really does become more complex. And I do think in these cases from personal experience aba does improve quality of life. there absolutely are people who have suffered greatly, even from modern aba practices and for those people i absolutely sympathize and am always willing to listen. but a lot of the loudest voices (not saying you btw!!) surrounding it have no experience with it whatsoever so that's what becomes frustrating. i've seen people in the same sentence as hating aba, offer an "alternative", that is LITERALLY what would be done in aba. I don't know how this stemmed into this though haha i don't want to sound like im selling the gospel or anything. and i never meant to suggest that you should put your kids in aba and were wrong for not doing so, and i apologize if it came across as that! I was just trying to share kind of an opposite experience, which really isnt that uncommon of one in real life, but in this subreddit definitely is
No no, I definitely don’t think you’re trying to get me to put my kids into ABA and I definitely don’t feel like you’re telling me my opinion is wrong. I’m also not trying to discredit your experience either. I’m actually just glad we were able to have a civil conversation about it and openly discuss our opinions without anyone attacking each other. I also kind of just think “out loud” where I hit the main points but then just keep going as I think of more scenarios and more perspectives that I think it can come off as harsh and I also apologize if you felt that way by what I said.
I don’t think parents are wrong for utilizing what is available to them and what they think will help, I think it’s just such a grey area and I really struggle with the what ifs and ethical aspects of things like medical treatments for kids since I personally was a kid that was drugged into compliance and put in a lot of inpatient and group homes against my will. Not saying that’s what ABA is just that my personal experience with having my autonomy removed so often as a kid makes me hyper vigilant about children’s autonomy.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and having a conversation with me about this!
my brother is autistic and i have grown up with him being inappropriate. i am telling you, you need to bring this up to a parent and take precautions to protect yourself. i don’t care how sweet he is, if they say, “oh that’s just what he’s like,”, if this gets worse, i’d go to a person who can help.
for me my brother would harass me a lot and tried to get into my room a lot. i ended up ordering a security bar to stop him from getting in, and would hide it so he couldn’t take it away. my brother didn’t explicitly touch me, or do anything overtly sexual towards me. but i took these precautions anyway because i felt unsafe. i hope you are able to find a way out of this, but if your parents brush his behavior off like mine did, unfortunately you will have to do certain things to protect yourself. you might have to distance yourself, spend less time at home, or spend time with someone safe there to help.
to any people reading this thinking “this person is crazy and that’s very extreme,”, this is simply my perspective and my advice based on MY story. i know not every story is the same, and so if this doesn’t fit your story, i understand. i’m just saying there are ways to feel safe if nobody will protect you. you have the right to protect yourself, and you do not have to feel bad about it. autism is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior (i know because i have researched, i have lived with this, and i am undiagnosed but about to seek a diagnosis/see if i am autistic as soon as i have the money & time.)
i just cannot scroll past this post without offering what i have to say because i have lived something like this before and all i can say is let me know if you need any suggestions, and communicate with your parents and loved ones as much as you can ❤️
Thank you so much for the comment honestly such a breath of fresh air in a midst of advice to see someone who understand the situation better and relates. And yes I definitely plan on talking to my parents just trying to find out a good time, if anything I’ll probably do it anytime between tonight or tomorrow when my mom says goodnight to me or in the morning before she leaves to work. My brothers behavior isn’t really that aggressive but then again he didn’t do any of this 2 years ago so who knows, thanks for sharing your experience love ❤️
i’m glad to hear it, i just wanted you to know that safety is top priority and your feelings are valid! and im glad it’s not that aggressive love ❤️ that’s also why i offered my perspective of like,,, what to possibly do if it escalates, but again i dont know your full situation and didn’t want to assume anything! the next course of action is def just talking to your mom and it sounds like you’re taking steps in the right direction to do that, amazing job ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everything goes well!
***btw this is if your parents do nothing to curb his behavior and you must resort to other measures to protect yourself. also i would set firm boundaries with him in the future if you can.
You're not crazy and that is a completely justifiable course of action to take to protect yourself. I'm glad you found a way to keep yourself safe. I'm very disappointed in your parents -- please don't take their lack of action to mean that you are overreacting.
Tell your parents because he might do something around other people possibly and that would really be awkward and possibly dangerous for your brother. They need to be on this training your brother in regards to appropriate place and time. You are helping him by telling your parents.
sexual behavior at a young age *can* be normal (regardless of whether or not they're autistic) but it can also be a sign of child sexual abuse. either way, he needs help understanding the harm of his actions and as such it is essential you talk to a parent. if you can't bring yourself to say it try writing it down on a paper and handing that to them. this Needs to be addressed and you deserve to feel safe
Yeah, children of that age can be weirdly sexually inappropriate, especially when abuse is involved, especially especially when said child is disabled. I hope this gets resolved quickly, for the sake of both OP and the brother.
Definitely tell ur parents!!! They will haft to teach him that that's wrong and what he should do and that it's supposed to be in private. He's more likely to listen to them, and if you don't tell them it's just going to continue, tell them what happened and if it happens again tell them right away! Make sure they know that you feel violated and disgusted, don't be shy about telling them how you feel because they are more likely to take it seriously if you are honest and blunt.
This is something that can be handled and his autism can't be an excuse for what he's doing to you. Please go tell ur parents right away.
Tell your Mom or Dad. You won’t be in trouble and you’re right it’s very inappropriate and you did the right thing in how you handled it. You sound very intelligent and handled it maturely. He might not know better idk what level of Autism he has but he needs to be talked to by your Mom and Dad and councilors on what’s appropriate apparently. This shouldn’t be on you to correct.
OP, this is for the our parents to deal with
He may have the comprehension of a 2-4 yr old but he is in a body of a 10 yr old
He IS going to feel these feelings
When ever anything happens, walk away and tell your parents
Please understand that this behavior may have to be something you away from but you need to develop a plan with your parents on what to do
Good luck
This is a situation that's as important for your brother as it is for you to have handled appropriately.
It's very clear that your brother doesn't understand what is going on. But this is the time where he really needs to be taught so he can keep himself safe and others as he grows into a man.
It should be an issue handled by your parents but there's things you can do.
Be direct and explain the why.
Then tell him that if he wants to continue to play in okay ways with you he needs to learn not to touch you that way.
Then leave the situation and inform your parents immediately.
If he's persists then avoid him and be persistent in getting your parents to deal with this. If they won't then speak to another trusted adult in your life such as a grand parent or teacher or school counselor.
You deserve to be able to feel safe in your own home.
I've been teaching my son about consent in age appropriate ways since he was born.
I would tell him in this situation that was a sexual touch and I do not consent.
Consent means that yes I agree to doing this thing.
Only adults are allowed to do that with other consenting adults. Siblings are never allowed to consent to sexual touches.
You can not consent until you are 18. Under 18 even a yes isn't consent.
You absolutely have to tell your parents because he could start doing this in really inappropriate public places and that would not have a good outcome.
Unless it has been explained what is/isn't appropriate, he may not get it. It is common for autistic children to be socially behind their peers, so puberty at a younger age means lots of feelings that if they haven't been explained take a long time to work out on your own.
you must bring this up with a parent. this behaviour could get him and them into trouble no matter his autism. plus the mental scarring on you. they must take it seriously too.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is so wrong of him.
I went through this. It WILL escalate. My parents did nothing. All they did was forbid me from telling anyone. He was not held accountable and his autism was used an excuse.
It doesn't matter if he's autistic or not -- the effect on you is the same.
My regret is that I didn't go to a teacher or a friend's parent. If I could do my childhood over again, I would have gone to another adult outside my family. My parents simply protected my brother at all costs.
Please pm me if you need to chat or encouragement.
So sorry you relate. Honestly I like to believe my parents would do something if I actually expressed being unhappy but who knows hoping for the best and ty for your comment 🫂🫶🏾
Tell your parents. I'm the parent of a 11-year-old child with autism and I know I would want to know as soon as possible so I could nip it in a bud. If you let it go one he'll think it's okay and it'll be harder for your parents to cut to cut it out.
Please tell them as soon as possible
First and foremost, your parents need to do their job, as someone who is autistic and has many autistic family members he may be being sexually abused and he IS sexually abusing you.
I am not saying anything against him. this is a very common trait in children around his age and your age (autism or not) to pick up things like that especially if it’s being introduced to them in an unsafe and/or improper manner, tell a family member you trust like an uncle, aunt, older cousin, grandparent, even a teacher if you don’t feel safe with family because your parents should not be sitting and letting this happen.
You are a child, he is a child. Your parents need to do their job and ensure you are both safe from outside situations and from his own reactions to things that are hormone induced or not.
Please be safe, both you and your little brother.
And even if he hasn't been/isn't being sexually abused by someone else, continuing this behaviour puts him at MAJOR risk of it if someone with bad intentions finds out.
If the parents won't do anything to protect OP, which would be a form of abuse/neglect by them in itself, maybe they'll come to their senses if they're told that this behaviour very likely could lead to legal or physical harm for the brother and if no one teaches him about consent and inappropriate touching then someone may take it upon themselves to groom him. If he really doesn't understand that it's wrong, he would have no reason to not believe someone who says they can show him ways to make it feel even better.
Disabled people, particularly those with less ability to communicate or understand and ask for help, are at risk for abuse of any type including sexual. By peers, family, community members, and even carers/support staff/etc who go into the industry with bad intentions. People he will likely already trust, because it's rarely complete strangers who abuse kids that way.
And even if he doesn't become a victim of others, not correcting this behaviour now will make it extremely difficult to find people who are willing to work with him as carers/support staff/relief staff/etc. because they will not tolerate being assaulted while doing their jobs. Your parents can't take care of him forever, and if he is someone who is high support needs and will continue to require some level of support if he is ever to live independently or semi-independently, then another reason to nip this in the bud is that your parents will eventually not be able to care for him as they age and they cannot expect you to take over and give up your own life, especially not for someone who very well could become your abuser if left to his devices.
There absolutely are ways to correct this behaviour without harming him. It's not all that uncommon for even toddlers to discover that self stimulation feels pleasurable entirely by accident, and I'm certain that there are methods which have been developed to address it before it becomes an issue. And these are toddlers, sometimes even babies. If they can be taught, there is no reason your brother cannot also be made to understand.
I almost guarantee he understands far more of what is going on around him than anyone realizes. The fact that he goes to school, regardless of what kind of school or how much support he gets there, already shows that he has learned many social rules on what is and isn't ok. Sensory issues can cause some children (autistic children more than allistic ones) to strip off their clothes and wander naked, but I think it's safe to assume he has learned not to do that if he is well behaved enough to go to school with other kids. It may take a bit of effort to get him to understand and stop doing it, but it can be done and needs to be for the sake of everyone in his life as well as for his own sake.
You seem like a really lovely girl and very empathetic but this is wrong and he needs to learn that quickly. You have to tell your parents, for both of your safety. You deserve a home where you feel safe and he deserves to learn what is and is not appropriate. If he moves on to do this to a stranger he could get in a lot of trouble, his diagnosis does not mean he is permitted to sexually touch others without consent, it’s not a get out of jail free card. I really feel for you having to deal with a parent shrugging off the fact that you were touched sexually without consent. That must have been really traumatic for you and I wonder how you feel about this, do you feel like you have to just deal with it? You really don’t, if he wasn’t your brother you would report to the police. Your parents need to have a serious conversation with him and you may need some support to process this as it seems to me that your feelings were not considered and I worry that could damage your self esteem. Please, please speak to your parents x
So unfortunately regardless of circumstances you can’t let boys get away with that. One day he’s going to be a grown adult and if he is on the level of a child that only understands I want and therefore I’m going to take. Yeah no that’s very very dangerous
I unfortunately as an autistic person I was extremely sexual and had a lot of sexually inappropriate behavior. Now there's not much you can do to fix hypersexuality, but you can get him to sex ed, so he'll learn what's appropriate and what's not and he won't end up like me
Again, he doesn't do it to annoy you. It just hypersexuality of autism and that's ok as long as it's **consensual** and in this case it clearly wasn't
Yeah even toddlers still in diapers can develop hypersexual behaviours if they discover they can make themselves feel good at a young age, and they can and must be taught about appropriate settings, safety, consent, etc. It's not unheard of or even that rare, I remember reading about it when I found out it was a thing (met someone who had discovered self pleasuring before she was even old enough to remember, she would've really benefitted from more sex Ed and support because she ended up at around 12 or 13 dating a young man because people her age didn't have much interest in experimenting and it was traumatic to her when she got a bit older and realized that she should have been protected and not allowed to date him.)
Basically if even babies/toddlers can be taught about consent and when/where it is appropriate to touch themselves like that, there is NO reason OP's brother can't. (He undoubtedly understands more than a toddler and probably much more than his family realize because he currently can't communicate his thoughts very well.) plus there must be information readily available for parents of kids who experience this on how to handle it, and probably even specialists who have experience with disabled/autistic children and know how to communicate with them and help them change inappropriate or dangerous behaviours (without using ABA if at all possible)
I get it is hard to talk about these topics as a 14 yo, but I highly suggest to you to talk with both your parents about it. And don't worry, they where your age once too and should understand you, especially your mother as the female like you are.
if your dad had any sense, he would have a father and son talk with your brother and would explain what it all means and why your reacting like that etc
This is your brother discovering the “attached fidget” our bodies have and your brother has no idea that he’s being inappropriate and he probably is like “hey this is a new thing I wanna share it!”. Without realizing it’s inappropriate to do that You need to tell your parents what he’s doing and how it’s making you feel because if not it’s gonna just keep on going..
You’re right to feel uncomfortable, and that behavior really needs to be corrected. If that sticks at all, he may end up in way more trouble over it later.
You absolutely should involve your parents a therapist, this isn’t on you to handle alone, or even at all if they’re doing their jobs.
Even so, the best place to start would be consent. People do things with their bodies, but not everyone wants to see it or be involved, and it’s absolutely not okay to force it on anyone.
Tell him that if he tries to involve you, he’ll get in trouble and you won’t want to be around him anymore. You need to state your discomfort, and moreso assert that he *will* face consequences if the behavior continues. Developmental delays among other things can make understanding others’ emotions hard, but consequences with a clearly established linked behavior are conditioning 101.
If his parents want to have the sex talk with him, they can, but that’s obviously not your responsibility.
>really acts like a 2-4 year old
We are currently trying to manage our 4 year old constantly playing with his penis on the couch - story checks out!
Seriously though, we just have to keep reminding him that it's not an appropriate thing to do on the couch (or anywhere in public). If he wants to do that then he should do it in his bedroom or in the shower.
Your parents should be pushing the same message.
He is developmental delayed, so his body is having urges while mentally h3 doesn't really understand them. He just knows "feels good, so I'll so this" he has no idea it is unacceptable.
You have to tell your parents. They need to help both of you navigate this and hopefully work with an expert to understand how to manage him as he matures.
This is basically normal, for his development but you shouldn't be forced to deal with this. It's your parents job.
OP already got a lot of good advice so I‘m not going to double down. BUT for all the commenters here calling the brother names and bring nothing constructive to this situation: Keep in mind, OP is basically still a kid herself (14yo) and the brother is even younger (10yo)!
If a kid asks for help, name calling is NEVER the solution. Don‘t belittle them or make fun of it. It is a very complicated topic with a lot of unpleasant feelings involved. Dismissing them or just calling their family members „creeps“ or other things just leads to them losing trust in adults or people who might be able to help in the future. This could have devastating consequences.
Listen, think, reply.
If your answer doesn‘t do any good, just don‘t say it. Leave the space free for advice that could help, it also prevents from burying the good advice under a ton of hurtful messages.
Sweetie, the fact he laughed at you and said no tells me he has somewhat of an understanding of what you said. Mom of an autistic 6 year old boy. Our kiddos understand way more than we realize. This is inappropriate behavior. You absolutely need to tell your parents so they can find a reasonable solution to this. What happens if your brother does it in public next? Or to another girl? He's 10 now and only going to get bigger. If he's does this when he's older, he will get in trouble. Not just with your parents, either. They won't care he's autistic.
I think sometimes it's hard for people to hold children with disabilities accountable. You have to, though! I always hold my son accountable for his actions. Disabled or not.
What's your brothers life like? Does he go to school? Is he in any therapies? Like speech, occupational, or ABA. Your brother needs more help and support.
He does go to school he has behavioral issues ther not too frequently but it’s not rare if you know What mean. He did Aba fine motor skills as well as speech therapy at a outside facility but we moved states and my parents didn’t try to find another one her for him, but I think he gets minor speech therapies in his school. To be honest I agree that he needs more support my parents kinda slacked on his extra support since moving and are very consumed in their work
Being consumed with work is not an excuse to neglect your brothers needs and ignore his inappropriate behaviors. This needs to be taken care of now. Your brother needs to be taught that only he should be touching himself there and in the privacy of his bedroom or the bathroom. I've heard of autistic kiddos stemming this way. Boys and girls. They discover repetitive behaviors that feel good. I've never heard of an autistic child escalating it and holding his sisters leg down onto his penis and rubbing it. You say your brother acts like he's around 2 to 4 years old. Does that strictly pertain to his behavior? Or is it his mental capacity as well?
No it’s his mental capacity as well even through his speech yoj would be able to tell. Limited vocab for someone his age. And the leg thing he was like holding it down not rubbing dk if that’s a difference tho.
It's okay. I'm not judging your brother at all. He's just a kid. I don't think he's creepy or being a creep. He just discovered something that feels good. He does need firm and consistent boundaries surrounding this, though. If he isn't taught better, he's going to continue to do the behavior and think it's okay. The behavior may escalate as well because it's not being corrected.
I'm thinking he laughed at you when you told him to do that in his room because your mom laughed when he stuck his hands down your pants. This is an insane reaction to give because it just reiterates the behavior. I don't think your mom would laugh if it was another relative he did that to. Especially outside of your immediate family. She definitely won't be laughing if he does it to a stranger in public because she didn't want to do the hard work and set physical and personal boundaries. My son is the most affectionate child. He loves giving everyone hugs. Even strangers. It took a lot of work to set a healthy boundary with him that you need to ask for a hug first.
I think your parents weren't expecting to have a special needs child. No one really plans for that. They probably feel that they are in over their heads. Not knowing what to do isn't a good excuse to do nothing. There's a lot of good parenting books that give guidance on how to raise a special needs/autistic child. There are also a lot of resources available for children like your brother. There's also help for the parents. If you feel comfortable messaging me, I can send you some book titles. I can also give advice on the different kinds of resources and help your brother might qualify for.
You need to tell your parents ASAP. He is only growing taller and bigger, and needs to know right away that none of this is appropriate. You deserve to be safe in your own home.
the way your mom mishandled that pants situation, regardless of your brother’s intentions, is absolutely abhorrent. it’s way more serious than “don’t do that, silly goose” it’s “hey, that’s inappropriate and unacceptable behavior that’s making your sister very uncomfortable. we don’t touch people like that”
him being young doesn’t change that this is not ok and they need to express sternly (without harming him obviously) how serious this is and correct this behavior before it continues to be a habit. people outside of the three of you won’t be as forgiving (and understandably so), and this needs to be urgently addressed. you should never have to put up with this, and if he learns that this isn’t serious he may do this to his peers without realizing the harm
Yeah that experience is that main reason why I’m reluctant to say anything but I feel like what’s happening now is worse which is what even made me go online for help… gonna speak with my therapist first because I know for a fact I can get support from her. Ty for your comment ✌🏽💕
no problem! if you need support/someone to rant to, i’m here if you’d like! i’m not really a person to go to for advice in this particular situation aside from what i’ve already said, but my messages are open for support. i hope things improve, especially with the parents taking more responsibility (and obviously the brother cutting it out)
just remember that intentions don’t matter if the action is hurting you. there’s no reason for you to not be allowed boundaries, especially ones as glaring as this. it’s not your fault that this is happening to you, and you’re totally in the right to be upset. you shouldn’t have to put up with this behavior. if he means well by this, he should be able to understand to stop if his intentions (whatever they are) aren’t getting across
please remember autism is not an excuse for him to do this or get away with it. it’s not a “get out of jail free” card. emphasize to him how this is making you feel and ESPECIALLY emphasize to your parents the extent of this issue and how it’s making you feel. if they’re using his autism as an excuse to overlook this as well (as long as you know you’re boy in harms way in doing so), call them out on it
best of luck, friend, and don’t hesitate to reach out. and for what it’s worth, happy pride month!
OP, I have a developmentally disabled brother who is a little older than me. When he was about 10 he began doing these same things. He had no understanding of why what he was doing should be private. He would do it in public and everywhere. Neurotypical boys do this too they just understand where and when it’s appropriate.
Autistic people have a harder time understanding what is socially acceptable usually. He does not intend any harm as I’ve seen you say in your second edit. He is a growing human who is entitled to his body.
Discuss this with your parents. Say it’s something you’re concerned about and suggest they work on a method for redirecting. My brother only does it in private now because we helped him understand he can do that in his room.
It will be awkward to discuss with your parents, but it will be helpful to you and your brother in the future.
No he's not a creep your right, this is just natural and your not wrong for feeling bad, and disgusted about it. Your parents should, and need to be addressing this not you. I have experience with this as my brother is autistic and my neighbor, I was his target for a bit by accident of course. They have sexual feelings and don't know how to handle, them which is why the couch incident and other thing. Without shaming them, but firmly they need to be redirected, and told NO! And repeatedly as much as you can keep it simple.
Parents need to take them out of whatever they are doing, shut the tv off, close book or internet and redirect them. See what possible triggers too. For him my neighbor it was the female dog on blue clues, and my brother purple( idk how but yea) so if I saw him I would take myself put if the situation and out of his vision.
You'll have to forgo the cuddles for now. And stay in a space away from him until it is under control, which could take awhile. But redirect and distraction is the best. Once he's in his room he know he's safe and won't be interupted and can do what he needs. When you consistently do it he will get the message,boner,humping= room time = private time. This is for your parents to lay down again NOT YOU. For now take yourself put of the situation tell your parents about what's going on. If they ignore you ignore ( best you can) 🤷.
OP, I know it's really uncomfortable and awkward, but you definitely need to tell your parents about this, so they can be parents here. What your brother is doing obviously isn't okay or appropriate, but unless someone with more authority than you steps in and stops it, he will likely keep doing it, since he finds your discomfort amusing and not upsetting like most people would.
I won't say he's a creep, because I have met other autistic people who also had these boundary issues. Now whether or not he's got these issues because of autism or something else, I couldn't say. But I have personally met other autistic people who had similar issues and were consistently inappropriate, and in at least one case, the only parent in the situation couldn't control a grown man and shaming him didn't work either, so he was constantly being inappropriate because he found people's horrified reactions entertaining, and didn't seem to grasp why that was *bad*.
What I'm saying is your parents shouldn't coddle him too much or they're going to be dealing with a grown-ass adult with these boundary issues and it'll get so much harder trying to restrain/control an adult doing this versus a 10-year old.
Masturbation can be a stimming behavior, it's a simple repetitive sensory motor behavior that relieves tension for some people
I didn't have this problem but I have a friend whose autistic younger brother used to have that problem
He was 10 at that point with impulsivity and sensory issues that caused him to not even realize he was sticking his hand into his pants most of the time it would happen in public
My friend's bro was less impaired than your brother, it sounds like, and he was embarrassed when he'd get called out and eventually he was able to redirect it into something appropriate but it took him practice because it was the very start of his puberty so he wasn't used to it
You should bring it up to another trusted adult since your parents aren't listening, because you should not have to deal with being sexually touched like that by your brother and also if it continues into adulthood he will not be viewed as a harmless little child even if his mental state is still not mature and it can lead to him getting beaten up or worse by strangers
The first thing I would try to make you understand is that there isn't anything sick or awful about what your brother is doing.
He is likely experiencing desires and pleasures without knowing how to process them. He is doing what feels good. I will be brutally honest and say I did some similar things when I was a bit younger than him. The fact that you are his sister has nothing to do with it. You are a warm body. I'd imagine if there was a brother he was close to that he would do the same with them too. He probably doesn't understand the seriousness of it.
Speak with your parents. Be honest with them about what's going on. That you are worried about the way things are and that you think they need to help him to understand good touches and bad touches and all the stuff in between. That is currently beyond the level of just playful stuff. And TBH, they may need to be direct with him even at 10. Yes, these things feel good and he has these desires but that he can't do what he's doing. Maybe try explaining that it's hurting you and I would imagine he doesn't want to hurt you. I know I had terrible issues trying to understand such things.
Oh, and as far as it being awkward and not wanting to bring it up to your parents, you have to think about the fact that he may do it outside of the house with someone who has no problem getting other people involved and the awkwardness of it may become the least of his problems.
This isn't acceptable behaviour on your brother's part. This isn't me saying that he's intentionally trying to cross a line or anything, but he needs to learn that it's not OK, and it is better to address it now when this behaviour is relatively new, rather than further down the line when he may have internalized that it's OK.
Everyone has to one way or another learn what appropriate boundaries are with the people around them, especially when they are sexual boundaries. Most neurotypicals just sort of pick up on them intuitively, but it's looking like that's clearly not been the case for your brother. I'd imagine it would be your parents' responsibility or maybe your brother's teachers (if he is in school). It might help him to understand if it comes from you, but you're also young, and this is personally affecting you, so I would only take this on yourself if you are totally confident that you are going to be ok, and you are comfortable with having that uncomfortable conversation with him.
this is child on child sexual abuse. it is not acceptable, not matter what conditions the abuser has. You deserve to feel safe. and no it is not normal with autistics.
This is disturbing u need to tell your parents! and it's possible he knows what he's doing. I just don't think a 4 year old would even think or do things like that, since you said he's mentally 4.
Just so you know, It's actually extremely common/pretty typical from basically the moment that kids, especially boys, discover their parts. Even NT kids. If you take any parenting class, read any parenting book, or even just speak to parents, most will have had at least one awkward experience. It's really just about seeking the stimulating / feeling, and for that reason it's even more common for children w/ autism to suffer from hypersexuality because 1. again, it's a stimulation thing and 2. it's harder for the inappropriate part of the situation to "click".
Parents (and honestly, maybe an actual therapist or counselor) ABSOLUTELY need to be get involved sooner rather than later. And obviously it's still awkward but far less "disturbing" when an actual 4 year old needs redirected vs a 10 year old. But a lot of the things people are saying are honestly unfair and flat out ableist. OP deserves to feel safe in her own home, and this is the parent's responsibility, not hers. But at the same time, OP has said several times that her brother have a SEVERE developmental delay (maybe not in those exact words, but mentally 4 IS a severe delay) and it's like .. insane to me that people are projecting all these ill intentions that he likely does not feel or understand onto him?? Like, this is literally a child..
Given that you said he has some pretty serious developmental delays mentally, chances are he doesn't really understand what's going on, he probably just thinks something along the lines of, oh that feels nice, I'll do it again because I want to have that nice feeling again.
Certainly it doesn't excuse the behavior, but it at least explains it hopefully. Given that he probably doesn't understand what he's doing, trying to punish him may not be the best idea. He won't understand why he's being punished. I would recommend trying to redirect his behavior.
Autism is no excuse, you all have to teach him boundaries, if he still does it after maybe he has some other issues. Maybe outside influence, unrestricted internet (p0rn) or narcissism can be causes of why he might act like this.
Hey, you really need to talk to your parents about this. Hopefully they can come up with a plan to help with this. Which is very important because letting it go means he'll be way more likely to grow up to be an adult who does inappropriate things like this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I really hope having a conversation with your parents about this will help.
Oh man I know this feeling all too well and nobody in my home protected me, it really messed me up. The fact you’re so young and this is happening to you in your own home breaks my heart. That behavior needs to be corrected immediately while they’re still young. He may not understand it’s wrong at the moment, but that can change in the future. Sadly, it’s very common for our system and society to see autistic men that sexually violate and or assault people and allow them to remain in society and continue their assaults simply because they have autism. That conversation is relevant because autistic perpetrators of rape typically show these behaviors at a young age, similar to non-autistic perpetrators. However, just because this behavior is appearing in him does not make him a sexual predator, and it does not mean that he’s going to harm someone else in the future; this behavior may be able to be corrected. Telling your parents will prevent him from doing this to another child and hopefully prevent him from causing you further trauma. If your parents do ignore his actions and allow it to continue contact someone at your school and let them know what’s happening. You deserve to feel safe in your home, in this situation you are the victim and your safety comes first.
Most importantly, protect yourself by not being alone with him. This is the type of trauma you carry with you your entire life. It affects you in ways you wouldn’t imagine. You matter. Your safety matters.
I am reading this at night, late, but seeing so much people trying to help you, specially in this autistic community made my heart so happy.
I’m sorry I do not have a lot to tell you for advice: it must have been awful and so difficult for you.. and also for your brother that needs more idk how to explain this: explanations or clarifying what he’s feeling? Idk
I’m an autistic adult woman, and I can only shared what happened to me..
my story is hard, a hard pill to swallow to read but i think somehow will give you sone relief..
I have been the one abused by my, sadly, narcissistic “brother”. Nor only he did mentally, emotionally, psychologically but also physically..
i was your age. From 14/15 to 17/18 he abused me, molesting me. He was 3 years and sth older than me, he was fully conscious of his depravity and he still did it. I called my mother and father multiple times, they would only tell me “it was your fault. You indeed did something for him to do it.” Or else.
This monster would even hit me and etc. nobody did nothing.
He left home, finally, but only bc his job made it possible.
My mother is a covert narcissist too and I believe my father is autistic too, like me. But he sides with my mother.
I have fought a good “fight” to get my diagnosis finally at 26.
It’s been a lot and the only one that saved me was my God, my Jesus.
He healed me in a lot of things. I’m still recovering.
I think you may have people that can help you, I believe it since of how you expressed yourself.
My family rejected me, even my aunt with whom we used to have more contact before. When she knew about my autism that I told her, she stopped contact. So I, decided to end the relationship finally too.
Idk what more time say… just that you are so young and smart, you can live better I’m sure.
God bless you
Thank you for sharing your experience…
I follow this thread because I suspect I’m on the spectrum, but have never been formally diagnosed.
Until now, I had never heard of another child growing up in the same dynamic. Being the scapegoat, the outcast, and the one to blame for the problems that followed.
The family member was never punished, and the rest of the family members that had helped raise me and I had been so close to slowly turned their back on me until I felt alienated and defenseless.
They blame it on the fact that I was a “wild child” and behaved poorly, but… In reality, that rebellious attitude was my suffering out loud and my cries to them for help. All to be met with apathy, cold shoulders, and disgust.
I still wonder why I was never protected.
As tragic as it is, your story truly resonated with me and I deeply appreciate your bravery to share it. Thank you.
Your problem, if I'm correct, is that you are trying to deal with this by yourself by bottling up your feelings, assuming the adults will brush it off. As a consequence you are left screaming at a kid who doesn't understand you nor recognise your authority.
I think the assumption your parents won't help is unhelpful, as your previous attempts at communication did not relay the issue to them in a way that they could understand.
You need to communicate the issue using the actual words in order for it to be taken seriously: "he's is masturbating in public". No euphemisms this time.
If they really don't listen, then those are the words for your therapist. But I think there's a good chance they will.
Hi OP, thank you for posting here.
No matter what happens you’re not in trouble. Thank you for coming to ask about this instead of just ruminating over it, okay?
Please. Tell your parents asap.
I have a.. similar (?) situation (my brother doesn’t do that to me or anything). I’m older than you and my brother is around two years younger than me. I won’t get into details because it’s not really important.
The important thing is for your brother to learn that this behaviour isn’t appropriate around other people. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your body and relieving yourself, it’s just not okay to do it in front of other people who don’t consent.
The quicker your parents know the sooner this behaviour can be fixed! The longer it’s left the harder it might be to nip this in the bud. It’s doable but it’ll most likely be a group effort.
Good luck! I’m sorry this is happening though :( it’s not nice
I work in a charter school for children with severe disabilities and delays. This behavior is certainly not out of the ordinary and not “creepy.” With that in mind, you do need to bring this up to your parents or another trusted adult. The concept of privacy and consent is not unreachable for children with autism and is imperative to learn as soon as possible.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. This is wrong and you know, of course it makes you uncomfortable. Your mother should have intervened more strongly last year. I am even sorrier to you that your parents don’t feel like a safe and comfortable enough space for you to discuss this with.
People with autism and developmental disorders tend to develop the frontal lobe later than neurotypical people. The frontal lobe is also responsible for impulse control. So while this may not be “normal” it is common enough with these circumstances, that parents should know how to respond or at least who they can go to for support in these instances.
OP, if you don’t feel safe and comfortable talking to your parents, then maybe you can do some in the moment coaching with him? I don’t love this route, an appropriate adult should be doing this and your parents DO NEED TO BE AWARE for your brother’s safety going forward. But when he does this, you could say something like, “do that privately in your room or the bathroom. It is inappropriate to do publicly.”
I am an autistic parent to an autistic person. I also had a friend in the past who had a son who did this to his younger sisters. His mom and therapist provided appropriate intervention and he learned to curb the impulses, or take them elsewhere. However, when it first started (he was around 9, almost 10) it happened with his sister’s friend, another toddler aged person, and that parent reported it to the police. That boy then had to go to a sexual behavior place, where they gave specific therapy for the behaviors. It was mandated by the courts and it was inappropriate for his needs, because it was for would-be young predators, not autistic folks. It caused more issues in the long run by mislabeling him.
It is common for special needs people. my best friend with down syndrome does it regularly and told me to look before. i told him ew no. it is common, but it should be taught in a different way. i did the same when i was younger, but not for any sexual reasons.
It’s important to address it to your parents, because if no one do anything seriously, he could be worst and worst with time and got problems for inappropriate behaviour like that
Sadly, it’s normal to rub against things. It’s obviously not acceptable to use other people to rub against, or even to rub with others around, but it’s normal to start rubbing at that age.
If he doesn’t know what constitutes as shameful behavior, for him it may just be normal. Talk to your parents and talk to him as a group to let him know that he isn’t supposed to rub against others or with others around. Overall, it sounds like it is time for your parents to give him the talk.
For context: I started rubbing around that age, but I had a concept of shame and so I did it in private.
My brother also started rubbing around then but didn’t know it was shameful so he just rubbed against the carpet or against the sofa while my mom was working…i told my mom and she said “oh he’s just dancing”….
Yeah don’t let your parents pull that.
hope all goes well with telling your parents OP, i know it’s scary but you need to do this so you can feel safe and happy and your brother can learn it’s inappropriate, love and thoughts 🫶🏻
My son does this and I correct him on the spot, the only thing is it’s never ending so sometimes I don’t always catch him, but your his sister, u should help correct him as well, don’t just scream, tell him that he’s doing sumthing nasty and to take himself to the bathroom or something, you don’t want him to think that’s ok and he will if nobody does anything
tell your parents, if they refuse to help then start a police report so it’s on paper in his record. being autistic doesn’t give you a right to sex pest anyone. you absolutely must tell your parents or it will get far worse
OP I’m so sorry. Yes your parents need to know but if I’m reading your post right I think I understand just how hard it is to just tell them.
Do you have another trusted adult who you could tell, who could sit with you when you tell them?
I had parents who couldn’t handle difficult situations and would ignore or blow them off. I just want to affirm that it can be harder than ‘just tell them’. Not saying that’s the case with your parents, but you remind me of myself in how you talk.
I’m not blaming them or saying they are bad people at all, but very gently your mum saw it and your dad heard you scream out. It hasn’t been addressed yet. You deserve to have adults help you and your brother. Your parents need to know, but could you have an advocate? Please keep posting. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tysm, it’s kinda unanimous everyone told me to tell my parents but every part of me just dreads that and I feel like people are making it seem easier than it is or that I’m stupid for not having done it already? Maybe I misread but it was a condescending comment or two. I appreciate your concern and I do plan on leaving an update because I already decided that I’m going to tell my therapist first on Wednesday because I know for a fact I can get support from her, I’m reluctant to tell my mom because of that past experience where I spoke up and it was brushed off. Thanks again for making me a feel js a lil more understood 💟
Oh I’m *so* glad you are going to tell your therapist. That’s really brave.
It can be far harder than ‘just tell them’, although I understand the care behind someone saying that. You’re not stupid, and for some of us, we are taught implicitly as children that it’s not ok to bring up certain things. The sense of dread and embarrassment you talk of points me in that direction. And there is some evidence that your mother has not heard you, from that last interaction you had with her.
Your therapist has more distance from your brother and will be able to look out for you. All the best for Wednesday!
Edit: clarity
if he understands pictures and basic words you could put it into a mini story board for him to explain that he can't touch himself unless he's in his room.
edit: what i mean is, each picture should show an action, and there should be a word or small sentence underneath each picture to explain what it is.
Definitely mention this to a parent. I had a cousin when I was in foster care who was kind of like this, I don't think he had autism, but he was younger than me and I was 10-11 at the time, and it made me uncomfortable and I didn't mention it to the foster parents because he was 'blood family' and technically never touched me, just kind of would expose himself and touch it. I refused to touch anything after him.
So, as for the 'is this common' part of the question, well, I'm not a boy. He probably isn't aware that it's not something he should do, it's a new thing his body is doing, and he likely wasn't given warning from your parents that his body would change. When I went through puberty, I was living with just my biological dad, and he made sure the nurse at my middle school had a talk with me about it. I did forget about a lot of it and thought I was crapping myself when THAT stuff started, and I was with my grandparents (on my dad's side) at the time, and they made sure I also knew what to do and what to expect. That kind of conversation needs to happen between your brother and your parents, and you should make sure your parents know it is distressing you, that way they know not to wait to have that talk with him. It isn't a talk you need have, or have to deal with at all.
Explain to him that it is not wanted, not appropriate, and that you will not be sitting with him like this for a while. Tell an adult what is happening, and that you've set a boundary and hpw you're enforcing it (by no longer sitting like this with him) and refrain from sitting like this with him until you feel that he is no longer going to do this. Since he is mentally at the same level as a 4 year old, he will need to be taught that it isn't appropriate to do this sort of thing and it will take time. Given the deficit he has, he most likely does not understand that it is wrong or why, but it is a very important lesson for him to learn asap so he isn't doing anything like this again, especially because it could get a lot worse if not resolved as early as possible.
This is not common regarding people who only have autism, but given you mentioned he has other developmental delays, it might be worth bringing up what those are as well and asking around in those subreddits too, since sometimes a combination of things like that can make someone quite socially unaware (I’ve seen that a lot, but I think it’s important to note that he does have other things going on). Regardless, I think you should tell a parent and try to make him aware that what he’s doing isn’t okay. If there’s no intervention done by your parents, I’m not sure what to do, but you’ve got our support here.
I was feeling sorry for myself because of social isolation and chronic rejection, this post made me stop being a cry baby. I’m sorry you are going through all of this, it sounds very stressful. Although I haven’t been in this exact situation, I’m familiar with the discomfort of unwanted sexual advances and exposure at a young age. It’s rough, and I’m so impressed by your maturity and how you stand up for your brother in spite of everything. As a mom of a child with down syndrome I have been guilty of babying my child and not holding them accountable for their behavior, including the behavior that negatively impacts their older sibling. As that type of mom I can tell you that if my oldest child sat down to have a proper conversation about how they are feeling, I would definitely take it seriously and get my shit together. As a matter of fact, your story has inspired me to do it without my child having to ask me. I don’t know if your mom would be the same, but maybe it’s worth a shot.
P.S. if it’s distressing enough to make you want to cry, cry. The movie inside out really got it right, crying is how we let (safe and loving) people know we need them. When my kids cry, my whole world stops and I’m there for them.
Sending love.
Hey friend, I am VERY sorry that this happened, you have every right to be uncomfortable, because it is uncomfortable. First and foremost, you need to make sure your parents know and that your comfort and safety is being considered. You are their child too and your boundaries matter.
This isn't uncommon, it's pretty typical for autistic children to explore this way. It may be from puberty and hormones or stimming and not understanding the full context of what he's doing. It is not malicious, but is still harmful, and to keep both of you safe the adults have to know. Usually, the best outcome is teaching the person that this is something that is done in PRIVATE, if possible. Redirecting to his room or a bathroom is best, until the arousal is gone away. This is the strategy I have seen applied by many families and autism therapists I have worked with historically. If your brother has any therapy supports, his provider can help your parents with suggestions.
Your therapist is a great person to talk to about this. They can help you process your feelings, and if not talk to your parents, then help you decide what to say to them.
If you notice him engaging in any sexual behavior around you, immediately leave the situation and get your parents. Every time. You can make a plan together to find a strategy that works to keep you safe until he learns how to cope with these new feelings.
This is a tough one, but ultimately you are not responsible for your brother. Communicating with your parents about this is the best thing you can do for everyone involved.
You need to set firm boundaries about no sexual activity around you, and have your parents help enforce that. If this is done correctly, he will eventually learn that it is not appropriate to engage in sexual activity around others. Given your description of his being at the level of a three or four-year-old, this is probably the best method. Basically, treat it the same as teaching neurotypical preschoolers that they need to keep their clothes on or not touch people in certain spots. Be gentle but firm until they figure it out.
Kids from a young age are always gonna be curious it’s natural especially if he’s developmentally delayed but the way it’s making you feel is definitely an issue and should be brought up to your parents
I (unfortunately) did it to my sister when I was younger and around the same age. It is NOT OK. You DESERVE to be treated with respect.
You HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE and be strict, specific about how he should behave around you. Say, 'The rules are that you have to be a GOOD ROOM MATE, and that means not saying or doing anything sexual such as.. doing this is NOT ALLOWED in our house. Sexual things are NOT ALLOWED between family members. This is bad touch. You cannot act sexually around family members. Be very strict, say this every day, set the rules, write them down and put them on the fridge, report it to everyone, don't keep it secret. He will very soon stop. Just be serious and strict about it.
You are on your right to say no, is your body. I would either bring it up to a trusted adult or if you feel comfortable enough express it to your brother: "Please, stop doing that, is making me feel uncomfortable and I don't like it".
That being said, I don't think your brother understands what it really means, he is doing something that to him feels good but doesn't understand the implications of it and needs someone to explain to him, in a non judgemental way, why is not ok to do something like this without permission.
your understading and sensitivity is HUGE for a girl your age. but as an autistic creep myself, he is still abusing you even if unintentionally. him not being a bad guy ...doesn't diminish you being victimized.
it is complicated and you seem to understand that in a way many adults do not. please address this as sexual abuse while still being understanding of your brother's lack of malice or intention.
What age and level of Autism?! Contexts are the key to reply to this.
Anyhow, report that to your parents as that behavior isn't OK anyway and buggers you.
if you read the post it says her brother is 10 and also has development delay. so probably "level 2" autism, even though I don't believe in autistic levels.
idk how you couldn't after seeing all the comments in this post. so much ableist bs and flat out misinformation that people are spreading and excusing away because they have autism themselves. But it's clearly the complete opposite end of the spectrum to the point it's not even comparable anymore, because this behavior is not at all uncommon for someone of that age with higher needs autism or any severe developmental delay for that matter (it's extremely common for even NT toddlers/young children to need redirected, so delays and stim seeking make kids similiar to op's brother even more susceptible). It's not "okay", and the parents do need to put a plan in place immediately, but it's disturbing the witch hunt going on rn for a literal 10 year old who clearly does not know what he's doing, which even OP has said 100 times. Even SHE realizes that. So it's wild that she can relate to him more than hundreds of his so called peers (i'm not saying they aren't autistic, i'm just saying this is why levels and differentiation are crucial IMHO. Lumping everything together is why so many people went undiagnosed for years because they just flat out aren't comparable. If you look for symptoms of someone with lvl 3 of course someone with lvl 1 could go umissed. If you treat someone with lvl 3 as if they have lvl 1, like people in this post keep doing, you are bordering on abuse. There is such a push to not infantilize autistic people and to some extent I agree that it's bad. But for some things...it's literally necessary. If someone is operating on the same mental level as a 4 year old, you have to hande things far different than someone who isn't. So many kids are going to get left behind and it's really, really upsetting especially considering many of these people saying these things have a decent change of having a higher needs child, since it's genetic.
Talk to your parents , if you don't talk to them nothing will be done and how is he able to put his hands done your pants ? I think you should of stopped being so close to him when he started puberty but I assumed you already stopped seeing now that you've seen what a male puberty is like
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OP, you *need* to bring this up to a parent. I completely understand that it’s an extremely awkward topic, but your brother being autistic does NOT mean your parents shouldn’t be trying to correct that behavior ASAP. You deserve to feel safe in your home, and letting these behaviors go isn’t being kind or accommodating your brother’s needs. In fact, if there isn’t a major effort to help him now, there’s a very real chance of your brother being set up for a life of indecent exposure arrests, assault charges, and even being put on a sexual offender registry, which will potentially follow him for *life.* And that’s not even mentioning all the people his ‘not ill intentioned’ actions might harm. Please, sit down with your parents and tell them what’s going on. Your brother deserves help, and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. Sincerely, an autistic lady.
I agree. I would assume your brother has no idea what is and isn’t appropriate due to his age and your parents infantalizing him. Your mom’s reaction to his previous behavior makes me think she’s not good at holding him accountable for his actions in a proper way, like she think he can get away with stuff because of his autism. I know it’s hard but when you approach your parents, try your best to be very direct. Explain that he’s been doing inappropriate things, and that you NEED them to hold him accountable and explain what’s appropriate to him.
especially since it’s (understandably) making you feel violated and freaked out. autism isn’t an excuse to let this slide, and it’s all the more reason that it’s important to be direct, emphatic, and stern with him about how serious and inappropriate this is. and you should not have to handle this alone (especially since it seems he’s not receptive to your responses); this is 100% your parents’ job to make sure he doesn’t continue this behavior
Thank you for your comment I really appreciate it. Didn’t even think abt how it could affect him when he’s older I already was scared for if he ever goes in the real world just realized how this is a big problem. Part of my mind is just hoping he will do it in front of parents when I’m not around so I don’t have to confront the situation and then they can deal with it but I really don’t know. Tbh I don’t want to talk to my mom face to face def not gonna bring it up to my dad. Do u have anything specific that I could say to my mom in a text please? Blanking everytime I try and think of a message to send her.
I understand your fear OP, and a text is fine for now. But you also need to be prepared for your mom to want to have a face-to-face discussion about this with you. As for your dad, I genuinely think he needs to hear this too. You could text him as well, but as a man himself, he could potentially be better at explaining to your brother how what he’s doing is unacceptable. And consider how your mother acted the last time your brother violated your space, I think he needs to be involved. It can help to practice writing texts and sending them to yourself, so you can figure out what you wanna say. Then, once you have it all finished, you can copy+paste it into a text to your mother (and if you take my advice, father.)
u/123ineedhelp456 But here’s a potential starter, that you can use to work off of- Hey mom, I really need to talk to you about something, and I’m really scared how you might react. (Brother’s name) has been making me feel really uncomfortable lately. A month ago, he tried to rub his erection on me while we were sitting on the couch together. You were there, but I was so shocked and scared that I didn’t know how to tell you about it. I thought it might just be a one time thing, but yesterday, he was masturbating to a YouTube video in the living room. I asked him to go to his room to do that, but he refused and laughed at me. I’ve been feeling really scared and alone, and while it’s really hard to talk to you about this stuff, I feel like things will get really bad if I don’t. I’m not sure what to do, and I really think it might help if you and dad talk to him about this. Edit- added OP’s username so they’d have a better chance of reading this
This is great - OP you could literally just copy/paste this and send it..
Just so you know, OPs don't get notifications for replies to someone else's comment
Oh man, I’ve done a double comment like this a few times, and I was always just assuming if they ever read back they’d see it- thank you for letting me know, that helps! C:
Yeah totally! It's a good comment, and I hope they were able to read it
u/123ineedhelp456
hi OP! here’s a text that might help, and you can edit it to fit your situation: “Mom, there’s something I have been meaning to speak to you about but it is a bit of a difficult subject. (Brother’s name) has been (insert his behaviors here) and it has been making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe. It makes me worried for my safety and I needed to tell you.” you can add/subtract anything you want and i hope this at least is a nice base text
Yes girl that is honestly very helpful tysm 🫶🏾🫶🏾
awesome!!! glad to help 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Can you just show her this post?
That would make the most sense to me..
Sweetie, something similar happened to me with my autistic brother when I was 10 or 11, and to this very day I wish I had spoken up to my mum so something could be done, even if it was only peace of mind for me. I'm now nearly 31, I still haven't told my mum and it doesn't feel like I can after all these years. Honest, meaningful conversations are sometimes the hardest to start, but they are always worth having! I hope you find strength to approach it with your parents, even if it's just a small written something to get the conversation started. Many hugs from an ADHD mum on the Internet ❤️
Hi I’m sorry that happen to you Ty for sharing your experience 🫶🏾 when I wrote this post I wasn’t expecting so many people to relate, glad I could start a conversation and ty for the advice
> Part of my mind is just hoping he will do it in front of parents when I’m not around have you not considered that he's doing it specifically when your parents aren't around...? on purpose...? "Mom, I am worried about Brother's behavior. It has become apparent that he is experiencing puberty and he is expressing it inappropriately." would be a mild way to put it
Better: "Mom is that Brother has seen or hear you making love with father, or in a movie, internet porn or something like that? Because he whats to try this on me :( "
The easiest thing to do is to pull this up on your device and let them read it. You got this. Advocating for yourself is one of the most important things you can do.
This is more than a problem for when he's an adult. If he did this type of behavior in a classroom he could be put on a sex offenders list
I work in disability support and this behaviour definitely reduces the number of staff who are available to support some people which further disadvantages them when staff move away or fall ill. One guy in his early twenties was isolating himself a lot due to this issue, but the organisation provided him with a behavioural therapist who meets with him, with his family and with staff to come up with strategies to help. It is working really well, and he has been participating in community activities far more and he's much happier now that he is more social and feels welcome everywhere.
Autistic guy here - 1,000,000,000,000% agree.
I will hijack this a bit to point out. Autism is a cause, not an excuse. You should always be held accountable for your actions and have them corrected. Do not be the reason of your autistic child having less chance of functioning with others due to allowing bad behavior.
This is all true - your family may balk even when you say this, so if the above doesn't work, then you need to lay down the law for them. Go have a talk with your dad privately and then tell him how inappropriate he has been. Reiterate that this is not acceptable and you expect there to be steps taken by your parents. And if they waffle, tell them that you insist because otherwise they will be burying your baby brother after he dies by violence. If your autistic baby brother becomes a problem for others and acts inappropriately sexually - please understand that "normal folks" do not offer grace to individuals like that People, to be entirely frank, barely tolerate autistic people. His life is in danger, he will do this to someone else's daughter and someone will shoot him and face zero consequences for it. Your parents will bury their baby boy and be unable to even memorialize him in public. Sincerely, Mr. Spectrum
This. If he doesn’t know this behaviour is never okay, he could end up becoming an abuser unintentionally and that has consequences. If he did that at a work place or a university he’d be thrown out, barred and unlikely to ever find a job elsewhere. If he does it to another little girl that isn’t his sister who understands he doesn’t mean it, her parents will kill him or try to. The world is not forgiving of inappropro sexual conduct. It’s like the most universally frowned upon thing ever. Idk which country you’re in but many of them like mine, have prevention or child sexual abuse laws that will hold another minor accountable for sexual acts done and it’s male specific to a large extent. Aka being a child doesn’t necessarily protect him from the consequences. You’re doing this for you, but you’re also doing this for him and that might be a good way to approach it.
u/123ineedhelp456 This is so important. I hope you read this in comment or others saying it. He's likely not going to be capable of being as sneaky as people often need to be to get away with sexual abuse so he's very likely to get caught if this continues into adulthood and people will show no mercy, considering both ableism and the rage that is felt towards sexual abusers. I think that after talking to your parents, if they don't take you VERY seriously or maybe just regardless, you need to show them this post and the comments that make it clear that this is a major problem that needs to be dealt with immediately. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that your mother didn't correct your brother properly when he touched you inappropriately in her presence. Also, he might not be at this point but even with his delays he will probably learn that he gets away with this when your parents aren't around, and it could get to a point where he abuses other people when adults aren't around- and that would mean children. As autistic people, we're all different, all capable of different things, and sometimes capable of understanding or doing more that we're given credit for. Sometimes not, but you have to be careful and hold people accountable anyway.
OP's mom is in for a shock when she realises how the legal system treats people with autism. But it will be all too late then.
Seriously. They're not going to think him behaving antisocially, even without I'll intent, is so "silly" at all. The consequences will be horrific and unforgiving if this isn't immediately stopped.
I would also add that if the reaction of screaming and being horrified gets wired into his sexual response, it’s even more likely that he may do things like indecent exposure or peeping Tom stuff to keep getting that reaction as part of what turns him on. Needs to be addressed now and everyone in the house get on the same page how to react so as to not create a bigger problem.
This is such an important point, thank you so much for adding this! Humans are pattern-finders, and if he connects screaming with pleasure (which could very much happen, with his developmental delays) that could be a devastating thing to try and undo later in life.
The kid is ten and still non-verbal. His hormones are firing. He is rubbing the outside of his pants. The only difference between him and any other 10 year old is that he doesn’t have the social awareness to know to do it in private. Please take a breath before labeling him a sexual deviant. Seriously, chill.
I’m sorry, but most neurotypical 10 year olds are *not* rubbing their genitals on other people without consent. When children are not taught better, they cannot be expected to *do better.* And autistic children DO sometimes need to have extra effort put in to ensure they understand that there are things that are unacceptable to do to others. I’m not exaggerating or calling the brother a ‘deviant’- I’m telling OP the very real possibility of what can happen when behaviors like this are left unchecked. Her brother is young and small now, but as he gets older and stronger, he needs to be taught to control his urges in appropriate ways, not sexually assault people. And yes, his rubbing himself on his sister is sexual assault, and no stranger in the real world will care that he’s non-verbal autistic if he’s doing this as a 16+ teenager, so the help needs to start NOW. And even just the rubbing could be considered public indecency, which is STILL A CRIME. Please consider what you tell impressionable young people- the excusing of children’s behaviors is a big reason there are so many autistic/ND adults who go to jail because they were never taught boundaries or had them enforced as children.
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Your safety is priority number 1!!! Tell your parents, if they don't act, tell a teacher and ask for their help and mention your parents refuse to protect you. I know it's going to be difficult to do this but better that than living with horrible trauma the rest of your life which will influence you to extends you can't imagine.
Honestly I’m really avoiding bringing this up with parents. I have a therapist do u think I could tell her to tell my parents?? I don’t want my brother to get sent to a home or something if I tell her
If you tell your parents and they brush it off, absolutely tell your therapist. I doubt your brother will be put in a home, but even if he *is* removed from your parent’s care, that is 1000% NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. If your parents have a chance to correct him and refuse to do so, the kindest thing to do for both you and your brother is have someone capable and willing to help him step in.
Your brother won't necessarily be sent to a home, there are a lot of options. You can talk to your therapist about your fears, of course you care for your brother and don't want anything bad to him either. Most people who sexually abuse others are close such as family or friend, so that's why many people don't report their assault. You have been assaulted, even if didn't understand that's what he was doing, and you deserve help, you don't have to keep this a secret eating you up inside. Wishing you the best of luck and safety. Also, just note if you do talk to your therapist, if you are in the US therapists are required by law to report it if you are unsafe at home as a minor.
1000000% tell your therapist because she can also help you find a way to communicate this with your parents whether it’s helping you write a message or have her talk to them (yes, this is allowed!) or even mediate in a conversation. There’s a variety of options and she can help you with them. Wishing you the best.
You can absolutely tell your therapist to tell your parents!!! I know it’s awkward and uncomfortable but that’ll be very very short term and will pass. ***PLEASE*** tell your parents ***and*** talk about it with your therapist. At a minimum tell your therapist but I think you should do both.
Therapists aren't supposed to break patient confidentiality unless someone is in immediate danger, so they should be a safe person to talk about this with. My therapist has informed other people of things on my behalf a couple of times before, but every time we discussed what I wanted to do first and they always send me the first draft of the email to approve before they send anything to someone else. If your brother has counselling or a therapist or something himself I think I'd inform them too (or ask your therapist talk to his therapist) because they'd probably be a good person to explained to him that what he's doing is wrong and why. Your parents must not be allowed to ignore this serious issue. If they don't take action to stop it, take evidence to someone who will. In the meantime, I'd consider limiting how much you share your personal space with your brother until you can trust him not to assault you. I love that you love him, but please remember: - **You're not obligated to put yourself in harms way.** - **You can protect yourself and enforce boundaries without loving your brother any less.**
i’d definitely tell your therapist. i don’t think realistically they would send your brother to a home, i think there would be many steps before that.
Tell your psychologist, normally she should know how to handle this.
YES-TELL YOUR THERAPIST. That’s a perfect solution, they will know what to do and handle It correctly with your parents
this ^ this is one of a therapists many purposes, helping us navigate life. your therapist may even help you write a script to start the convo, come up with responses to possible questions/comments, and they may even suggest some resources that could help.
If it's delt with properly and safely, nothing will happen to him. He just needs guidance. The worst that could happen is that no-one does anything about this an he does something similar to a stranger, which would likely result in police, child protective services and the like. It's definitely best to bring it up with your parents first and then let them find a professional, if they don't take this seriously please do tell your therapist.
Absolutely! Sounds like you could really benefit in general from your therapist helping you develop a healthy relationship with establishing boundaries. Standing up for yourself and sharing what you are experiencing with trusted adults doesn't mean something bad has to happen to the other person at all.
this is to protect yourself, when he hits puberty you don't want him thinking forcing himself on people is okay. tell somebody
Write them a note, or print out what you just posted above.
If his behavior escalates he will definitely be sent away. The best thing you can do is tell your parents so that they can curb his behavior before it gets too out of hand
100% tell your parents and have them read the responses here so that hopefully they don’t end up traumatizing either of you. Your brother needs to receive instruction and guidance as he starts discovering his sexuality, particularly about it being private and not something done around others without their consent. That’s your parents’ job. Not yours. You need to receive safety and the ability to be comfortable in your home. That’s also your parents’ job, but if they don’t know that your safety and comfort are being violated, they aren’t going to be able to focus on preventing that from happening again.
My son, I'm (m50), started doing this and my daughters made sure to let me know so I could explain to him. I dont know if your brother has a therapist but my son has since he was 8. A shrink or therapist is better equipped to handle this issue. I hope this sa helps and you can continue to have a good relationship with him in the future.
Thank you it’s comforting to see a parent with the same situation and glad you helped your daughters it gives me hope. Did u ever talk to the regular pediatrician about your sons issue? My mom told me she is taking him to the doctor wonder if it would be helpful for her to bring up at the doctors app, or is it unhelpful. Trying to figure if I should tell her before the app? if it’s irrelevant for pediatrician, I’ll probably wait a little longer
Documenting these behaviors with his doctor is a good idea. Puberty is part of his health, so my recommendation is to tell your mom before the apt and encourage her to bring it up with his pediatrician. Take care of yourself op 🫶🏽 I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
A doctor isnt equipped to handle a situation like this. They might be able to recomend a therapist.
Absolutely tell this to your mum before the appointment. This is 100% a job that should be passed onto his pediatrician to handle. No reason to delay.
It's is absolutely relevant to the pediatrician. You can't keep putting this off. In doing so you're potentially allowing the problem to get worse and that is terrifying for you AND your brother. What you're doing by telling your parents as soon as possible is not just protecting yourself; it is an act of love towards your brother by keeping him from becoming someone who does this as a stim or just doesn't know not to assault others in this way due to being unaware of social norms. Keeping him from potentially TERRIBLE consequences. He needs help here.
this is not a terribly uncommon scenario, unfortunately. he doesn't understand his behaviour is inappropriate. find some time to talk to your parents privately, make sure they know you're serious and what things he has done that have made you uncomfortable. he can be taught to keep his sexual behaviour private and to himself, and your parents can help him if you let them know the severity
I've going through something similar with my younger brother and trust me when I say it's best to tell your parents before this becomes a habit my brother never touched himself openly but he would touch me instead no matter how much I told him it's disgusting and made me feel uncomfortable. I also wished deep down that my mom would hear me scream and intervene but she dismissed it because "hes just a kid" and to this very day he still violates my boundaries due to his behaviour not being taken seriously because your mom was dismissive when you tried to tell her that time, it's definitely better to try talking with your dad. I know it's an awkward conversation but you can text him and tell him what your brother's doing or, as others have said, show them this post so that you don't have to explain everything again wishing you all the best, op. hopefully your parents do something to correct this behaviour before it gets worse
I’m so sorry that happened to you I know how painful it is and I can’t imagine how you feel when your mom brushes it off, I don’t think my mom would do that but I am also scared she will just brush it off or pull the autism excuse which is why I’m reluctant to say anything but I definitely don’t want it to get worse because this alone is pretty bad. Thank you for your comment and tbh I think imma tell me therapist so she can carry the message that’s just more comfortable for me 🫶🏾 thank you for your comment and again, sorry you relate
Things will be more uncomfortable for you the longer you wait. If they pull the autism excuse be insistent on how he can still be taught not to do inappropriate things regardless, and how it’s important that he’s taught it soon so he doesn’t become a rapist in the future. I know he’s just a child now and he’s not currently doing it for disgusting reasons, but that will 100% change in the near future. This is only the beginning and you need to tell your parents! I was too scared to tell on my brother when we were children and he tried to molest me, and then last year my 10 year old sister told my mom in a text that he had been sexually abusing her since she was a toddler. (He was 17 turning 18 at this time) I thought that his behaviors stopped when we were children, and I brushed it off as he was just a confused child. But no, he did not stop, he learned it was wrong and just chose a different victim who couldn’t defend herself. Anyway my point is that he’s currently at an age where this behavior can be changed. Please do not let your fear keep him from learning that it’s wrong. He needs adult intervention.
I think you need to tell your parents exactly what you're telling us here. They need to teach him exactly what you were trying to tell him- that kind of stuff is done in private, and never to others, specially without their consent.
OP, please let your parents know. If your parents don’t listen, talk to another trusted adult like a teacher. He’s realized that something feels good and is sensory-wise pretty nice. He might not realize that it’s inappropriate. Being 10, he’s on the cusp of puberty and it’s very possible that as he continues to grow and develop this behavior can escalate if not addressed.
There’s lots of ways an adult can help him understand how not to do that. A parent or a professional should be notified right away so they can implement an intervention. You have to find an adult you trust enough to tell.
My fiance used to just wank in the living room in front of his mum when he was 10. He's neurotypical. His mum said that's fine you can do this but do it in your room only it isn't appropriate to do infront of people. You need to bring this up to your parents. I'd you don't say anything you are 1 failing your brother by letting it happen 2 denying him a learning opportunity 3 it will keep going You absolutely have to tell your parents. If this isn't addressed, you can end up with a brother who's 30 and still wanks in public. This needs to be curbed now.
I’d remove and reframe 1&2, they both read very victim blamey to me. OP is 14!!!! It’s not her job to educate and parent her 10 year old brother! That’s the brother’s parents’ responsibility. OP, none of this is your responsibility nor your fault, the only thing you need to do is tell your parents and if they don’t listen and act on it - tell a teacher, doctor, therapist, or school counselor. Sorry this is happening to you, it’s not normal nor your responsibility to teach your brother and it shouldn’t be happening to you.
Wrong actually. If the parents aren't seeing this, how are they going to know in order to curb it? They absolutely need to be fucking told, and disagreeing with that simple fact makes you honestly look insane. All points are valid. If the behavior isn't corrected, it will continue, if it continues because she stayed quiet, she is by proxy letting her brother down and settling him up to fail later in life. Its gross and kinda of disturbing yes, but it will get even more gross and disturbing if the parents aren't told. I'm also not victim blaming. I'm stating a fact. If her brother is only doing this around her, and she doesn't say anything, the behavior wont get better, infect it will get worse. By her staying quiet, she is literally setting her brother up for failure. What she witness was gross, and probably a bit traumatic. Of course it is, but imagine what this will be like when hes 19 and nobody said anything, when he was 10.
… OP should absolutely tell her parents? I never said that she shouldn’t? I disagree that it’s on OP to correct her brother…. OP is a child, she should tell her parents… every time it happens so they, as adults, can parent the problem…. Every time it happens, op should go tell the parents.
Time for parenting. Bring it up to your parents. It's the right thing to do or else this behaviour won't be corrected
He needs therapy. It's difficult to communicate when the physical age and mental age don't match, but if he ever does this in public even once, people won't be as understandable and kind, it's very dangerous.
Autistic parent to two autistic kids. Please please please tell a parent so they can handle this. Self stimulation is super common in neurotypical kids too but autistic kids struggle with the social aspects of it as well. We use words like “body boundaries” in our house. Both of my kids stick their hands in their pants and we say “that is a private activity, please go to your room to do that” I’d say, “That is not appropriate to do in front of me, you are not respecting my body boundaries when you do that. You need to do that in private or I’m going to tell Dad that you are not being appropriate in a shared space.” Then go tell your parent because he is most likely not going to listen to you but the follow through with telling a parent is what is going to solidify it. “Don’t touch my body like that, you’re not respecting my body.” And then remove yourself. It’s not fair that it’s up to you to do this but it seems like nobody has taken the time to teach these boundaries to him yet so you sadly need to get your parents to engage in this more. Not listening? Get a parent. Refusing to respect your body? Remove yourself from the area and tell a parent.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment in a sea of nastiness. OP absolutely deserves to be respected and feel safe in her own home and the way she is reacting is absolutely understandable for a 14 year old. That said, lashing out on him if he does not understand those boundaries in the first place can have such harmful effects. Again, I completely understand it coming from a 14 year old in this situation! What concerns me is how many people in the comments would like the parents to be just as brutal, or would clearly be just as brutal themselves. Don't get me wrong, the parents absolutely need to nip this or seek professional help if they can't navigate it themselves because OP does not deserve to suffer any more than the sibling does. It really bothers me that so many people are using their own (lower support needs) autism as proof that he's doing this on purpose, a pervert, etc and deserves to be punished. How is this a move in the ""right"" direction? The irony is that these same people would call even modern ABA abusive which is quite LITERALLY meant to help with situations like this. I feel like this post really highlights the disconnect between one end of the spectrum and another, and why it's damaging that one side is so much more outspoken the other currently. It feels like we're going backwards sometimes :/
Yeah I agree about the lashing out but that’s a very understandable response to a pretty upsetting situation! It’s honestly surprising that her parents haven’t implemented any attempt with setting any kind of boundary around this considering he is 10. My kids are only 3 and 6 and yeah the boundary thing doesn’t work every single time but my kids are able to say “I need space for my body” and are relatively good at respecting that for other people I find most of the time it’s just because they have no frame of reference and just need it explained to them. “Brother does not want you to touch him right now because he’s feeling a little overwhelmed”. Everything else I’m going to have to disagree, we don’t engage in ABA, modern or otherwise. I think the language is harmful, the practices don’t focus on neurodiversity affirming methods, and I personally think that the majority of “behaviors” addressed in ABA are not behavioral, they are an unmet need/untaught skill. ABA sounds nice in theory until you look at the practices used which studies are showing do not work. This is not me performing extinction like in ABA, this is modeling and setting clear and healthy boundaries. I prefer to find a solution where my children are collaborating and able to express discomfort in the methods used, very similar to Dr. Ross Greene’s CPS model. If you’re interested here’s a little overview of his approach [CPS Approach](https://drrossgreene.com/about-cps.htm)
I do think a lot of this is on the parents and they absolutely should have been proactive or, again, sough assistance sooner rather than later. That said please keep in mind that even being able to communicate that (especially at 3) is actually pretty advanced as far as autism goes. Boundary issues especially for high needs parts of the spectrum is a big issue and so is things "sticking". that was my biggest problem. I don't have a boundary issue but even now I do still have issues with things sticking and often even now need reminders for certain things (again, not boundaries but other things) on that same note, There is a lot of misinformation surrounding modern ABA. I went through ABA and would not be writing this comment if I hadn't. It didn't "cure" me of autism, or even really try to. But it did help with a lot of very harmful behaviors, and I was not responding to any other therapy. I've obviously long since aged out of my old specific program and it's very hard finding adult programs that are more ABA based but even to this day I don't respond to "typical" therapy methods. There are bad apples and worse origins, don't get me wrong. But the same could be said for almost all medical practices. But FWIW I am in many groups of people that feel the same and had equally positive experiences. I'm not saying that people aren't entitled to have a different opinion, but I do think it's dangerous the anti ABA echo chamber because for some kids it IS the only thing that helps. Me personally my therapist (and family for that matter) would choose their battles. For example, many people think ABA is anti stimming. MODERN Aba this is not necessarily true. My therapist helped my family understand stimming better. For example, I stim by "rolling" my eyes (it's not really rolling, it's just looking up, but it like "stetches" my eyes). My family would get really upset by this because it came across as rude but it actually helped them be more understanding of it. On the flip side I have permanent nerve damage from picking at my skin and ABA was the ONLY thing that helped to curb it at the time. When I started ABA I had to be homeschooled because I literally could not go to school, and I was ultimately able to return. I still struggle a lot but I have a job, I have an apartment. I don't think any of this would be true if I hadn't recieved this 14 years ago. For people like me, I find the language shift where some people don't even consider autism a disability far more harmful than anything I experienced there Not to write a novel lol. But I feel like it just kinda goes into my initial frustration which is that people often forget that different needs levels need different approaches and I feel like you ONLY hear from one side. I do t hink for a lot of people with autism, ABA isn't the answer, and for a lot of lower needs ones especially level 1 it would be bordering abusive to subject them to ABA. I also feel like that is why there's such negativity surrounding it, because consequently it's easier for them to communicate, vs those who it has helped or rely on it. So for others, it could be abusive not to at least consider. Or I guess that's a little strong of a word, but they would miss out. I also will say, at 6 and under, most of the things you are doing for your kids like even for neurotypical kids, there isn't an expectation of them being very independent to begin with if that makes sense. Also, you seem like a great mom, and very well educated, with emotional maturity and patience. This is unfortunately not the norm. I love my family, I do not blame them at all in the slightest because like many others, they tried their hardest. But I genuinely can not imagine how bad my life wouldve been if they didn't have help. And not to project on OP's family but the fact this has gone unnoticed so long they clearly need strong intervention and help as well imho. Things like ABA (although maybe not exclusive) teach the parents skills just as much as kids often. like in a perfect world everyone would know how to perfectly address their child with autism but i dont think anyone is fully prepared. i honestly do not think i wouldve been able to raise me, during certain periods.
Well my 3yo has low support needs and is only slightly speech delayed, my 6yo has high support needs and is a gestalt processor that is unable to utilize AAC so we implemented these phrases as gestalts so he could communicate that. Addressing his sensory needs, medical concerns and taking literal notes on what certain non verbal cues meant was the only reason we were able to get to a point where he can communicate all of his needs to us. Through gestalts, gestures, single words, noises, pictures, and leading. I myself have moderate support needs, use AAC to communicate, am unable to work, unable to keep housing by myself, and frequently engage in self injury so when people assume that because I’m hyperlexic I have lower support needs it’s more than a little frustrating. I can only communicate my needs effectively through text. The difference between you wanting to utilize ABA and me putting my children in any variation of ABA is that you as an adult can make that choice and unless you have a proxy or power of attorney your choice is 100% respected. A lot of the time children do not have a say in their treatment options which is my biggest issue with it personally. Especially when it is neurotypical parents that are unable to distinguish autistic burnout, masking, and genuine distress from improvement and general refusal and they are told masking is improving and burnout is just a bump in the road on the journey of treatment. Growing up as a kid that needed to mask to avoid abuse I am terrified of my children masking their struggles because they are afraid that no one will listen to them. I’m not referring to old ABAs approaches of stopping stimming or forced eye contact or hand over hand when I say I’m against ABA, I’m aware that some providers don’t utilize that. I’m referring to reward based approaches, extinction, planned ignoring things like that. These are things that I wouldn’t even utilize with another adult because I fundamentally think they are harmful, not just because they are part of ABA. I don’t even agree with PBIS which is used in the public school system here because it is rewards based. The only time I don’t have an issue with anything remotely related to behaviorism is when someone actively chooses to implement these strategies because they have complete control over that and autonomy over themselves. We implement complete autonomy for our kids outside of things we call “safety rules” and hygiene. I completely agree that the people trying to say autism isn’t a disability are harmful, but disabled people also have a right to autonomy and my problem stands with children being subjected to potentially harmful therapy with no autonomy in the situation. I just think in general there has to be a better option than waiting for them to either be so negatively impacted that they burnout or keeping them from treatment that they want but can’t communicate a need for. And I truly understand the parent’s side of it as well, especially if they’re not autistic. It’s a completely new realm for them and they’re willing to try whatever they can. There just has to be a better pathway to determine an autistic kids needs besides traumatizing them either way, ya know? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t it feels like.
i understand where you're coming from, but for what it's worth i was a child when i was in aba; that is my point. at the time you're right, i didn't have really have a choice to go or not. but that is honestly why it worked, and why nothing else did, or does for me. I'm not saying to put your kids in aba. it sounds like what you're doing works for them, and that's great. I'm just saying that it really does depend on the kid. Autonomy is important.. when it's possible. BUt it does not work for every child and this is coming from the perspective of someone who WAS that child. ABA was not traumatizing for me. There absolutely were parts of it I didn't enjoy and as a kid probably HATED certain parts. But looking back I am thankful because they are things I wouldnt have done otherwise. I am in several autism groups where people had very similiar experience. I guess that's just my point. Not that ABA is perfect or always the choice, but just that it suffers from people have strong opinions about it but no experience with it. A lot of the things you mention are actually big parts of modern aba. Like, most of the good modern aba do not really force anything that isnt a safety issue or quality of life issue but i do guess it depends on what you qualify as a safety issue. It is very rewards based though, but I guess that's one thing we will always just have to agree to disagree on bc again that's the only thing that works for me, so I'm biased and its hard to see why it's bad. but i do understna people can have the opposite view anyway tl;dr i absolutely agree with you on most of your points. and i do think at all costs, IF POSSIBLE, the least intrusive measures should be taken with the most atonomy given to kids. but the deeper you get into the spectrum sometimes it really does become more complex. And I do think in these cases from personal experience aba does improve quality of life. there absolutely are people who have suffered greatly, even from modern aba practices and for those people i absolutely sympathize and am always willing to listen. but a lot of the loudest voices (not saying you btw!!) surrounding it have no experience with it whatsoever so that's what becomes frustrating. i've seen people in the same sentence as hating aba, offer an "alternative", that is LITERALLY what would be done in aba. I don't know how this stemmed into this though haha i don't want to sound like im selling the gospel or anything. and i never meant to suggest that you should put your kids in aba and were wrong for not doing so, and i apologize if it came across as that! I was just trying to share kind of an opposite experience, which really isnt that uncommon of one in real life, but in this subreddit definitely is
No no, I definitely don’t think you’re trying to get me to put my kids into ABA and I definitely don’t feel like you’re telling me my opinion is wrong. I’m also not trying to discredit your experience either. I’m actually just glad we were able to have a civil conversation about it and openly discuss our opinions without anyone attacking each other. I also kind of just think “out loud” where I hit the main points but then just keep going as I think of more scenarios and more perspectives that I think it can come off as harsh and I also apologize if you felt that way by what I said. I don’t think parents are wrong for utilizing what is available to them and what they think will help, I think it’s just such a grey area and I really struggle with the what ifs and ethical aspects of things like medical treatments for kids since I personally was a kid that was drugged into compliance and put in a lot of inpatient and group homes against my will. Not saying that’s what ABA is just that my personal experience with having my autonomy removed so often as a kid makes me hyper vigilant about children’s autonomy. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and having a conversation with me about this!
Best response so far, in my opinion!
Couldn’t have said it better
my brother is autistic and i have grown up with him being inappropriate. i am telling you, you need to bring this up to a parent and take precautions to protect yourself. i don’t care how sweet he is, if they say, “oh that’s just what he’s like,”, if this gets worse, i’d go to a person who can help. for me my brother would harass me a lot and tried to get into my room a lot. i ended up ordering a security bar to stop him from getting in, and would hide it so he couldn’t take it away. my brother didn’t explicitly touch me, or do anything overtly sexual towards me. but i took these precautions anyway because i felt unsafe. i hope you are able to find a way out of this, but if your parents brush his behavior off like mine did, unfortunately you will have to do certain things to protect yourself. you might have to distance yourself, spend less time at home, or spend time with someone safe there to help. to any people reading this thinking “this person is crazy and that’s very extreme,”, this is simply my perspective and my advice based on MY story. i know not every story is the same, and so if this doesn’t fit your story, i understand. i’m just saying there are ways to feel safe if nobody will protect you. you have the right to protect yourself, and you do not have to feel bad about it. autism is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior (i know because i have researched, i have lived with this, and i am undiagnosed but about to seek a diagnosis/see if i am autistic as soon as i have the money & time.) i just cannot scroll past this post without offering what i have to say because i have lived something like this before and all i can say is let me know if you need any suggestions, and communicate with your parents and loved ones as much as you can ❤️
Thank you so much for the comment honestly such a breath of fresh air in a midst of advice to see someone who understand the situation better and relates. And yes I definitely plan on talking to my parents just trying to find out a good time, if anything I’ll probably do it anytime between tonight or tomorrow when my mom says goodnight to me or in the morning before she leaves to work. My brothers behavior isn’t really that aggressive but then again he didn’t do any of this 2 years ago so who knows, thanks for sharing your experience love ❤️
i’m glad to hear it, i just wanted you to know that safety is top priority and your feelings are valid! and im glad it’s not that aggressive love ❤️ that’s also why i offered my perspective of like,,, what to possibly do if it escalates, but again i dont know your full situation and didn’t want to assume anything! the next course of action is def just talking to your mom and it sounds like you’re taking steps in the right direction to do that, amazing job ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everything goes well!
Keep us updated if you’re comfortable with that.
***btw this is if your parents do nothing to curb his behavior and you must resort to other measures to protect yourself. also i would set firm boundaries with him in the future if you can.
You're not crazy and that is a completely justifiable course of action to take to protect yourself. I'm glad you found a way to keep yourself safe. I'm very disappointed in your parents -- please don't take their lack of action to mean that you are overreacting.
thank you, i was reading this back and thinking “people are going to think im insane for this,” bc i do not talk about this very often
Tell your parents because he might do something around other people possibly and that would really be awkward and possibly dangerous for your brother. They need to be on this training your brother in regards to appropriate place and time. You are helping him by telling your parents.
sexual behavior at a young age *can* be normal (regardless of whether or not they're autistic) but it can also be a sign of child sexual abuse. either way, he needs help understanding the harm of his actions and as such it is essential you talk to a parent. if you can't bring yourself to say it try writing it down on a paper and handing that to them. this Needs to be addressed and you deserve to feel safe
I was going to say, this is really unsafe for both OP and the brother. I hope things are resolved and OP can feel safe again
Yeah, children of that age can be weirdly sexually inappropriate, especially when abuse is involved, especially especially when said child is disabled. I hope this gets resolved quickly, for the sake of both OP and the brother.
Definitely tell ur parents!!! They will haft to teach him that that's wrong and what he should do and that it's supposed to be in private. He's more likely to listen to them, and if you don't tell them it's just going to continue, tell them what happened and if it happens again tell them right away! Make sure they know that you feel violated and disgusted, don't be shy about telling them how you feel because they are more likely to take it seriously if you are honest and blunt. This is something that can be handled and his autism can't be an excuse for what he's doing to you. Please go tell ur parents right away.
You need to tell your parents asap. You really don't want this behavior to continue and you don't want him doing this to random people.
As an autistic young adult, tell your parents. You deserve to feel safe at your own home.
Tell your Mom or Dad. You won’t be in trouble and you’re right it’s very inappropriate and you did the right thing in how you handled it. You sound very intelligent and handled it maturely. He might not know better idk what level of Autism he has but he needs to be talked to by your Mom and Dad and councilors on what’s appropriate apparently. This shouldn’t be on you to correct.
OP, this is for the our parents to deal with He may have the comprehension of a 2-4 yr old but he is in a body of a 10 yr old He IS going to feel these feelings When ever anything happens, walk away and tell your parents Please understand that this behavior may have to be something you away from but you need to develop a plan with your parents on what to do Good luck
This is a situation that's as important for your brother as it is for you to have handled appropriately. It's very clear that your brother doesn't understand what is going on. But this is the time where he really needs to be taught so he can keep himself safe and others as he grows into a man. It should be an issue handled by your parents but there's things you can do. Be direct and explain the why. Then tell him that if he wants to continue to play in okay ways with you he needs to learn not to touch you that way. Then leave the situation and inform your parents immediately. If he's persists then avoid him and be persistent in getting your parents to deal with this. If they won't then speak to another trusted adult in your life such as a grand parent or teacher or school counselor. You deserve to be able to feel safe in your own home. I've been teaching my son about consent in age appropriate ways since he was born. I would tell him in this situation that was a sexual touch and I do not consent. Consent means that yes I agree to doing this thing. Only adults are allowed to do that with other consenting adults. Siblings are never allowed to consent to sexual touches. You can not consent until you are 18. Under 18 even a yes isn't consent.
You absolutely have to tell your parents because he could start doing this in really inappropriate public places and that would not have a good outcome.
Unless it has been explained what is/isn't appropriate, he may not get it. It is common for autistic children to be socially behind their peers, so puberty at a younger age means lots of feelings that if they haven't been explained take a long time to work out on your own.
you must bring this up with a parent. this behaviour could get him and them into trouble no matter his autism. plus the mental scarring on you. they must take it seriously too.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is so wrong of him. I went through this. It WILL escalate. My parents did nothing. All they did was forbid me from telling anyone. He was not held accountable and his autism was used an excuse. It doesn't matter if he's autistic or not -- the effect on you is the same. My regret is that I didn't go to a teacher or a friend's parent. If I could do my childhood over again, I would have gone to another adult outside my family. My parents simply protected my brother at all costs. Please pm me if you need to chat or encouragement.
So sorry you relate. Honestly I like to believe my parents would do something if I actually expressed being unhappy but who knows hoping for the best and ty for your comment 🫂🫶🏾
Tell your parents. I'm the parent of a 11-year-old child with autism and I know I would want to know as soon as possible so I could nip it in a bud. If you let it go one he'll think it's okay and it'll be harder for your parents to cut to cut it out. Please tell them as soon as possible
You need to tell your parents and stress how serious it is. The longer it goes uncorrected and unknown the worse it's going to get.
I would say have a genuine talk with your parents about it and just say everything that you told us to them
even if he’s autistic, it’s still not okay. being this up with your parents asap. -an autistic dude
First and foremost, your parents need to do their job, as someone who is autistic and has many autistic family members he may be being sexually abused and he IS sexually abusing you. I am not saying anything against him. this is a very common trait in children around his age and your age (autism or not) to pick up things like that especially if it’s being introduced to them in an unsafe and/or improper manner, tell a family member you trust like an uncle, aunt, older cousin, grandparent, even a teacher if you don’t feel safe with family because your parents should not be sitting and letting this happen. You are a child, he is a child. Your parents need to do their job and ensure you are both safe from outside situations and from his own reactions to things that are hormone induced or not. Please be safe, both you and your little brother.
And even if he hasn't been/isn't being sexually abused by someone else, continuing this behaviour puts him at MAJOR risk of it if someone with bad intentions finds out. If the parents won't do anything to protect OP, which would be a form of abuse/neglect by them in itself, maybe they'll come to their senses if they're told that this behaviour very likely could lead to legal or physical harm for the brother and if no one teaches him about consent and inappropriate touching then someone may take it upon themselves to groom him. If he really doesn't understand that it's wrong, he would have no reason to not believe someone who says they can show him ways to make it feel even better. Disabled people, particularly those with less ability to communicate or understand and ask for help, are at risk for abuse of any type including sexual. By peers, family, community members, and even carers/support staff/etc who go into the industry with bad intentions. People he will likely already trust, because it's rarely complete strangers who abuse kids that way. And even if he doesn't become a victim of others, not correcting this behaviour now will make it extremely difficult to find people who are willing to work with him as carers/support staff/relief staff/etc. because they will not tolerate being assaulted while doing their jobs. Your parents can't take care of him forever, and if he is someone who is high support needs and will continue to require some level of support if he is ever to live independently or semi-independently, then another reason to nip this in the bud is that your parents will eventually not be able to care for him as they age and they cannot expect you to take over and give up your own life, especially not for someone who very well could become your abuser if left to his devices. There absolutely are ways to correct this behaviour without harming him. It's not all that uncommon for even toddlers to discover that self stimulation feels pleasurable entirely by accident, and I'm certain that there are methods which have been developed to address it before it becomes an issue. And these are toddlers, sometimes even babies. If they can be taught, there is no reason your brother cannot also be made to understand. I almost guarantee he understands far more of what is going on around him than anyone realizes. The fact that he goes to school, regardless of what kind of school or how much support he gets there, already shows that he has learned many social rules on what is and isn't ok. Sensory issues can cause some children (autistic children more than allistic ones) to strip off their clothes and wander naked, but I think it's safe to assume he has learned not to do that if he is well behaved enough to go to school with other kids. It may take a bit of effort to get him to understand and stop doing it, but it can be done and needs to be for the sake of everyone in his life as well as for his own sake.
You seem like a really lovely girl and very empathetic but this is wrong and he needs to learn that quickly. You have to tell your parents, for both of your safety. You deserve a home where you feel safe and he deserves to learn what is and is not appropriate. If he moves on to do this to a stranger he could get in a lot of trouble, his diagnosis does not mean he is permitted to sexually touch others without consent, it’s not a get out of jail free card. I really feel for you having to deal with a parent shrugging off the fact that you were touched sexually without consent. That must have been really traumatic for you and I wonder how you feel about this, do you feel like you have to just deal with it? You really don’t, if he wasn’t your brother you would report to the police. Your parents need to have a serious conversation with him and you may need some support to process this as it seems to me that your feelings were not considered and I worry that could damage your self esteem. Please, please speak to your parents x
OP if your parents aren't taking this seriously, social services will. And they will make your parents take it seriously.
So unfortunately regardless of circumstances you can’t let boys get away with that. One day he’s going to be a grown adult and if he is on the level of a child that only understands I want and therefore I’m going to take. Yeah no that’s very very dangerous
I unfortunately as an autistic person I was extremely sexual and had a lot of sexually inappropriate behavior. Now there's not much you can do to fix hypersexuality, but you can get him to sex ed, so he'll learn what's appropriate and what's not and he won't end up like me Again, he doesn't do it to annoy you. It just hypersexuality of autism and that's ok as long as it's **consensual** and in this case it clearly wasn't
oh and talk to your parents about it ofc
Yeah even toddlers still in diapers can develop hypersexual behaviours if they discover they can make themselves feel good at a young age, and they can and must be taught about appropriate settings, safety, consent, etc. It's not unheard of or even that rare, I remember reading about it when I found out it was a thing (met someone who had discovered self pleasuring before she was even old enough to remember, she would've really benefitted from more sex Ed and support because she ended up at around 12 or 13 dating a young man because people her age didn't have much interest in experimenting and it was traumatic to her when she got a bit older and realized that she should have been protected and not allowed to date him.) Basically if even babies/toddlers can be taught about consent and when/where it is appropriate to touch themselves like that, there is NO reason OP's brother can't. (He undoubtedly understands more than a toddler and probably much more than his family realize because he currently can't communicate his thoughts very well.) plus there must be information readily available for parents of kids who experience this on how to handle it, and probably even specialists who have experience with disabled/autistic children and know how to communicate with them and help them change inappropriate or dangerous behaviours (without using ABA if at all possible)
I unfortunately went through ABA, wish I wasn't tbh
I get it is hard to talk about these topics as a 14 yo, but I highly suggest to you to talk with both your parents about it. And don't worry, they where your age once too and should understand you, especially your mother as the female like you are.
I don't even need to read, the title is sufficient. No it's not normal and should be dealt with.
if your dad had any sense, he would have a father and son talk with your brother and would explain what it all means and why your reacting like that etc
This is your brother discovering the “attached fidget” our bodies have and your brother has no idea that he’s being inappropriate and he probably is like “hey this is a new thing I wanna share it!”. Without realizing it’s inappropriate to do that You need to tell your parents what he’s doing and how it’s making you feel because if not it’s gonna just keep on going..
Tell your parents and have them explain to him why it’s not okay.
You’re right to feel uncomfortable, and that behavior really needs to be corrected. If that sticks at all, he may end up in way more trouble over it later. You absolutely should involve your parents a therapist, this isn’t on you to handle alone, or even at all if they’re doing their jobs. Even so, the best place to start would be consent. People do things with their bodies, but not everyone wants to see it or be involved, and it’s absolutely not okay to force it on anyone. Tell him that if he tries to involve you, he’ll get in trouble and you won’t want to be around him anymore. You need to state your discomfort, and moreso assert that he *will* face consequences if the behavior continues. Developmental delays among other things can make understanding others’ emotions hard, but consequences with a clearly established linked behavior are conditioning 101. If his parents want to have the sex talk with him, they can, but that’s obviously not your responsibility.
Yeah, so. This is coming from a autistic guy, and you need to tell your parents about this.
>really acts like a 2-4 year old We are currently trying to manage our 4 year old constantly playing with his penis on the couch - story checks out! Seriously though, we just have to keep reminding him that it's not an appropriate thing to do on the couch (or anywhere in public). If he wants to do that then he should do it in his bedroom or in the shower. Your parents should be pushing the same message.
He is developmental delayed, so his body is having urges while mentally h3 doesn't really understand them. He just knows "feels good, so I'll so this" he has no idea it is unacceptable. You have to tell your parents. They need to help both of you navigate this and hopefully work with an expert to understand how to manage him as he matures. This is basically normal, for his development but you shouldn't be forced to deal with this. It's your parents job.
OP already got a lot of good advice so I‘m not going to double down. BUT for all the commenters here calling the brother names and bring nothing constructive to this situation: Keep in mind, OP is basically still a kid herself (14yo) and the brother is even younger (10yo)! If a kid asks for help, name calling is NEVER the solution. Don‘t belittle them or make fun of it. It is a very complicated topic with a lot of unpleasant feelings involved. Dismissing them or just calling their family members „creeps“ or other things just leads to them losing trust in adults or people who might be able to help in the future. This could have devastating consequences. Listen, think, reply. If your answer doesn‘t do any good, just don‘t say it. Leave the space free for advice that could help, it also prevents from burying the good advice under a ton of hurtful messages.
Sweetie, the fact he laughed at you and said no tells me he has somewhat of an understanding of what you said. Mom of an autistic 6 year old boy. Our kiddos understand way more than we realize. This is inappropriate behavior. You absolutely need to tell your parents so they can find a reasonable solution to this. What happens if your brother does it in public next? Or to another girl? He's 10 now and only going to get bigger. If he's does this when he's older, he will get in trouble. Not just with your parents, either. They won't care he's autistic. I think sometimes it's hard for people to hold children with disabilities accountable. You have to, though! I always hold my son accountable for his actions. Disabled or not. What's your brothers life like? Does he go to school? Is he in any therapies? Like speech, occupational, or ABA. Your brother needs more help and support.
He does go to school he has behavioral issues ther not too frequently but it’s not rare if you know What mean. He did Aba fine motor skills as well as speech therapy at a outside facility but we moved states and my parents didn’t try to find another one her for him, but I think he gets minor speech therapies in his school. To be honest I agree that he needs more support my parents kinda slacked on his extra support since moving and are very consumed in their work
Being consumed with work is not an excuse to neglect your brothers needs and ignore his inappropriate behaviors. This needs to be taken care of now. Your brother needs to be taught that only he should be touching himself there and in the privacy of his bedroom or the bathroom. I've heard of autistic kiddos stemming this way. Boys and girls. They discover repetitive behaviors that feel good. I've never heard of an autistic child escalating it and holding his sisters leg down onto his penis and rubbing it. You say your brother acts like he's around 2 to 4 years old. Does that strictly pertain to his behavior? Or is it his mental capacity as well?
No it’s his mental capacity as well even through his speech yoj would be able to tell. Limited vocab for someone his age. And the leg thing he was like holding it down not rubbing dk if that’s a difference tho.
It's okay. I'm not judging your brother at all. He's just a kid. I don't think he's creepy or being a creep. He just discovered something that feels good. He does need firm and consistent boundaries surrounding this, though. If he isn't taught better, he's going to continue to do the behavior and think it's okay. The behavior may escalate as well because it's not being corrected. I'm thinking he laughed at you when you told him to do that in his room because your mom laughed when he stuck his hands down your pants. This is an insane reaction to give because it just reiterates the behavior. I don't think your mom would laugh if it was another relative he did that to. Especially outside of your immediate family. She definitely won't be laughing if he does it to a stranger in public because she didn't want to do the hard work and set physical and personal boundaries. My son is the most affectionate child. He loves giving everyone hugs. Even strangers. It took a lot of work to set a healthy boundary with him that you need to ask for a hug first. I think your parents weren't expecting to have a special needs child. No one really plans for that. They probably feel that they are in over their heads. Not knowing what to do isn't a good excuse to do nothing. There's a lot of good parenting books that give guidance on how to raise a special needs/autistic child. There are also a lot of resources available for children like your brother. There's also help for the parents. If you feel comfortable messaging me, I can send you some book titles. I can also give advice on the different kinds of resources and help your brother might qualify for.
>I don’t even think I’ll ever bring this up to my parents uhh really because that's literally the thing you ought to be doing
You need to tell your parents ASAP. He is only growing taller and bigger, and needs to know right away that none of this is appropriate. You deserve to be safe in your own home.
the way your mom mishandled that pants situation, regardless of your brother’s intentions, is absolutely abhorrent. it’s way more serious than “don’t do that, silly goose” it’s “hey, that’s inappropriate and unacceptable behavior that’s making your sister very uncomfortable. we don’t touch people like that” him being young doesn’t change that this is not ok and they need to express sternly (without harming him obviously) how serious this is and correct this behavior before it continues to be a habit. people outside of the three of you won’t be as forgiving (and understandably so), and this needs to be urgently addressed. you should never have to put up with this, and if he learns that this isn’t serious he may do this to his peers without realizing the harm
Yeah that experience is that main reason why I’m reluctant to say anything but I feel like what’s happening now is worse which is what even made me go online for help… gonna speak with my therapist first because I know for a fact I can get support from her. Ty for your comment ✌🏽💕
no problem! if you need support/someone to rant to, i’m here if you’d like! i’m not really a person to go to for advice in this particular situation aside from what i’ve already said, but my messages are open for support. i hope things improve, especially with the parents taking more responsibility (and obviously the brother cutting it out) just remember that intentions don’t matter if the action is hurting you. there’s no reason for you to not be allowed boundaries, especially ones as glaring as this. it’s not your fault that this is happening to you, and you’re totally in the right to be upset. you shouldn’t have to put up with this behavior. if he means well by this, he should be able to understand to stop if his intentions (whatever they are) aren’t getting across please remember autism is not an excuse for him to do this or get away with it. it’s not a “get out of jail free” card. emphasize to him how this is making you feel and ESPECIALLY emphasize to your parents the extent of this issue and how it’s making you feel. if they’re using his autism as an excuse to overlook this as well (as long as you know you’re boy in harms way in doing so), call them out on it best of luck, friend, and don’t hesitate to reach out. and for what it’s worth, happy pride month!
OP, I have a developmentally disabled brother who is a little older than me. When he was about 10 he began doing these same things. He had no understanding of why what he was doing should be private. He would do it in public and everywhere. Neurotypical boys do this too they just understand where and when it’s appropriate. Autistic people have a harder time understanding what is socially acceptable usually. He does not intend any harm as I’ve seen you say in your second edit. He is a growing human who is entitled to his body. Discuss this with your parents. Say it’s something you’re concerned about and suggest they work on a method for redirecting. My brother only does it in private now because we helped him understand he can do that in his room. It will be awkward to discuss with your parents, but it will be helpful to you and your brother in the future.
No he's not a creep your right, this is just natural and your not wrong for feeling bad, and disgusted about it. Your parents should, and need to be addressing this not you. I have experience with this as my brother is autistic and my neighbor, I was his target for a bit by accident of course. They have sexual feelings and don't know how to handle, them which is why the couch incident and other thing. Without shaming them, but firmly they need to be redirected, and told NO! And repeatedly as much as you can keep it simple. Parents need to take them out of whatever they are doing, shut the tv off, close book or internet and redirect them. See what possible triggers too. For him my neighbor it was the female dog on blue clues, and my brother purple( idk how but yea) so if I saw him I would take myself put if the situation and out of his vision. You'll have to forgo the cuddles for now. And stay in a space away from him until it is under control, which could take awhile. But redirect and distraction is the best. Once he's in his room he know he's safe and won't be interupted and can do what he needs. When you consistently do it he will get the message,boner,humping= room time = private time. This is for your parents to lay down again NOT YOU. For now take yourself put of the situation tell your parents about what's going on. If they ignore you ignore ( best you can) 🤷.
OP, I know it's really uncomfortable and awkward, but you definitely need to tell your parents about this, so they can be parents here. What your brother is doing obviously isn't okay or appropriate, but unless someone with more authority than you steps in and stops it, he will likely keep doing it, since he finds your discomfort amusing and not upsetting like most people would. I won't say he's a creep, because I have met other autistic people who also had these boundary issues. Now whether or not he's got these issues because of autism or something else, I couldn't say. But I have personally met other autistic people who had similar issues and were consistently inappropriate, and in at least one case, the only parent in the situation couldn't control a grown man and shaming him didn't work either, so he was constantly being inappropriate because he found people's horrified reactions entertaining, and didn't seem to grasp why that was *bad*. What I'm saying is your parents shouldn't coddle him too much or they're going to be dealing with a grown-ass adult with these boundary issues and it'll get so much harder trying to restrain/control an adult doing this versus a 10-year old.
Masturbation can be a stimming behavior, it's a simple repetitive sensory motor behavior that relieves tension for some people I didn't have this problem but I have a friend whose autistic younger brother used to have that problem He was 10 at that point with impulsivity and sensory issues that caused him to not even realize he was sticking his hand into his pants most of the time it would happen in public My friend's bro was less impaired than your brother, it sounds like, and he was embarrassed when he'd get called out and eventually he was able to redirect it into something appropriate but it took him practice because it was the very start of his puberty so he wasn't used to it You should bring it up to another trusted adult since your parents aren't listening, because you should not have to deal with being sexually touched like that by your brother and also if it continues into adulthood he will not be viewed as a harmless little child even if his mental state is still not mature and it can lead to him getting beaten up or worse by strangers
The first thing I would try to make you understand is that there isn't anything sick or awful about what your brother is doing. He is likely experiencing desires and pleasures without knowing how to process them. He is doing what feels good. I will be brutally honest and say I did some similar things when I was a bit younger than him. The fact that you are his sister has nothing to do with it. You are a warm body. I'd imagine if there was a brother he was close to that he would do the same with them too. He probably doesn't understand the seriousness of it. Speak with your parents. Be honest with them about what's going on. That you are worried about the way things are and that you think they need to help him to understand good touches and bad touches and all the stuff in between. That is currently beyond the level of just playful stuff. And TBH, they may need to be direct with him even at 10. Yes, these things feel good and he has these desires but that he can't do what he's doing. Maybe try explaining that it's hurting you and I would imagine he doesn't want to hurt you. I know I had terrible issues trying to understand such things. Oh, and as far as it being awkward and not wanting to bring it up to your parents, you have to think about the fact that he may do it outside of the house with someone who has no problem getting other people involved and the awkwardness of it may become the least of his problems.
This isn't acceptable behaviour on your brother's part. This isn't me saying that he's intentionally trying to cross a line or anything, but he needs to learn that it's not OK, and it is better to address it now when this behaviour is relatively new, rather than further down the line when he may have internalized that it's OK. Everyone has to one way or another learn what appropriate boundaries are with the people around them, especially when they are sexual boundaries. Most neurotypicals just sort of pick up on them intuitively, but it's looking like that's clearly not been the case for your brother. I'd imagine it would be your parents' responsibility or maybe your brother's teachers (if he is in school). It might help him to understand if it comes from you, but you're also young, and this is personally affecting you, so I would only take this on yourself if you are totally confident that you are going to be ok, and you are comfortable with having that uncomfortable conversation with him.
this is child on child sexual abuse. it is not acceptable, not matter what conditions the abuser has. You deserve to feel safe. and no it is not normal with autistics.
act NOW.
This is disturbing u need to tell your parents! and it's possible he knows what he's doing. I just don't think a 4 year old would even think or do things like that, since you said he's mentally 4.
Just so you know, It's actually extremely common/pretty typical from basically the moment that kids, especially boys, discover their parts. Even NT kids. If you take any parenting class, read any parenting book, or even just speak to parents, most will have had at least one awkward experience. It's really just about seeking the stimulating / feeling, and for that reason it's even more common for children w/ autism to suffer from hypersexuality because 1. again, it's a stimulation thing and 2. it's harder for the inappropriate part of the situation to "click". Parents (and honestly, maybe an actual therapist or counselor) ABSOLUTELY need to be get involved sooner rather than later. And obviously it's still awkward but far less "disturbing" when an actual 4 year old needs redirected vs a 10 year old. But a lot of the things people are saying are honestly unfair and flat out ableist. OP deserves to feel safe in her own home, and this is the parent's responsibility, not hers. But at the same time, OP has said several times that her brother have a SEVERE developmental delay (maybe not in those exact words, but mentally 4 IS a severe delay) and it's like .. insane to me that people are projecting all these ill intentions that he likely does not feel or understand onto him?? Like, this is literally a child..
Given that you said he has some pretty serious developmental delays mentally, chances are he doesn't really understand what's going on, he probably just thinks something along the lines of, oh that feels nice, I'll do it again because I want to have that nice feeling again. Certainly it doesn't excuse the behavior, but it at least explains it hopefully. Given that he probably doesn't understand what he's doing, trying to punish him may not be the best idea. He won't understand why he's being punished. I would recommend trying to redirect his behavior.
Exactly
Autism is no excuse, you all have to teach him boundaries, if he still does it after maybe he has some other issues. Maybe outside influence, unrestricted internet (p0rn) or narcissism can be causes of why he might act like this.
Hey, you really need to talk to your parents about this. Hopefully they can come up with a plan to help with this. Which is very important because letting it go means he'll be way more likely to grow up to be an adult who does inappropriate things like this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I really hope having a conversation with your parents about this will help.
Oh man I know this feeling all too well and nobody in my home protected me, it really messed me up. The fact you’re so young and this is happening to you in your own home breaks my heart. That behavior needs to be corrected immediately while they’re still young. He may not understand it’s wrong at the moment, but that can change in the future. Sadly, it’s very common for our system and society to see autistic men that sexually violate and or assault people and allow them to remain in society and continue their assaults simply because they have autism. That conversation is relevant because autistic perpetrators of rape typically show these behaviors at a young age, similar to non-autistic perpetrators. However, just because this behavior is appearing in him does not make him a sexual predator, and it does not mean that he’s going to harm someone else in the future; this behavior may be able to be corrected. Telling your parents will prevent him from doing this to another child and hopefully prevent him from causing you further trauma. If your parents do ignore his actions and allow it to continue contact someone at your school and let them know what’s happening. You deserve to feel safe in your home, in this situation you are the victim and your safety comes first. Most importantly, protect yourself by not being alone with him. This is the type of trauma you carry with you your entire life. It affects you in ways you wouldn’t imagine. You matter. Your safety matters.
I am reading this at night, late, but seeing so much people trying to help you, specially in this autistic community made my heart so happy. I’m sorry I do not have a lot to tell you for advice: it must have been awful and so difficult for you.. and also for your brother that needs more idk how to explain this: explanations or clarifying what he’s feeling? Idk I’m an autistic adult woman, and I can only shared what happened to me.. my story is hard, a hard pill to swallow to read but i think somehow will give you sone relief.. I have been the one abused by my, sadly, narcissistic “brother”. Nor only he did mentally, emotionally, psychologically but also physically.. i was your age. From 14/15 to 17/18 he abused me, molesting me. He was 3 years and sth older than me, he was fully conscious of his depravity and he still did it. I called my mother and father multiple times, they would only tell me “it was your fault. You indeed did something for him to do it.” Or else. This monster would even hit me and etc. nobody did nothing. He left home, finally, but only bc his job made it possible. My mother is a covert narcissist too and I believe my father is autistic too, like me. But he sides with my mother. I have fought a good “fight” to get my diagnosis finally at 26. It’s been a lot and the only one that saved me was my God, my Jesus. He healed me in a lot of things. I’m still recovering. I think you may have people that can help you, I believe it since of how you expressed yourself. My family rejected me, even my aunt with whom we used to have more contact before. When she knew about my autism that I told her, she stopped contact. So I, decided to end the relationship finally too. Idk what more time say… just that you are so young and smart, you can live better I’m sure. God bless you
Thank you for sharing your experience… I follow this thread because I suspect I’m on the spectrum, but have never been formally diagnosed. Until now, I had never heard of another child growing up in the same dynamic. Being the scapegoat, the outcast, and the one to blame for the problems that followed. The family member was never punished, and the rest of the family members that had helped raise me and I had been so close to slowly turned their back on me until I felt alienated and defenseless. They blame it on the fact that I was a “wild child” and behaved poorly, but… In reality, that rebellious attitude was my suffering out loud and my cries to them for help. All to be met with apathy, cold shoulders, and disgust. I still wonder why I was never protected. As tragic as it is, your story truly resonated with me and I deeply appreciate your bravery to share it. Thank you.
Bring it up to your parents, you're just 14 you are not expected to have the tools to deal with this right now.
Your problem, if I'm correct, is that you are trying to deal with this by yourself by bottling up your feelings, assuming the adults will brush it off. As a consequence you are left screaming at a kid who doesn't understand you nor recognise your authority. I think the assumption your parents won't help is unhelpful, as your previous attempts at communication did not relay the issue to them in a way that they could understand. You need to communicate the issue using the actual words in order for it to be taken seriously: "he's is masturbating in public". No euphemisms this time. If they really don't listen, then those are the words for your therapist. But I think there's a good chance they will.
Hi OP, thank you for posting here. No matter what happens you’re not in trouble. Thank you for coming to ask about this instead of just ruminating over it, okay? Please. Tell your parents asap. I have a.. similar (?) situation (my brother doesn’t do that to me or anything). I’m older than you and my brother is around two years younger than me. I won’t get into details because it’s not really important. The important thing is for your brother to learn that this behaviour isn’t appropriate around other people. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your body and relieving yourself, it’s just not okay to do it in front of other people who don’t consent. The quicker your parents know the sooner this behaviour can be fixed! The longer it’s left the harder it might be to nip this in the bud. It’s doable but it’ll most likely be a group effort. Good luck! I’m sorry this is happening though :( it’s not nice
I work in a charter school for children with severe disabilities and delays. This behavior is certainly not out of the ordinary and not “creepy.” With that in mind, you do need to bring this up to your parents or another trusted adult. The concept of privacy and consent is not unreachable for children with autism and is imperative to learn as soon as possible.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. This is wrong and you know, of course it makes you uncomfortable. Your mother should have intervened more strongly last year. I am even sorrier to you that your parents don’t feel like a safe and comfortable enough space for you to discuss this with. People with autism and developmental disorders tend to develop the frontal lobe later than neurotypical people. The frontal lobe is also responsible for impulse control. So while this may not be “normal” it is common enough with these circumstances, that parents should know how to respond or at least who they can go to for support in these instances. OP, if you don’t feel safe and comfortable talking to your parents, then maybe you can do some in the moment coaching with him? I don’t love this route, an appropriate adult should be doing this and your parents DO NEED TO BE AWARE for your brother’s safety going forward. But when he does this, you could say something like, “do that privately in your room or the bathroom. It is inappropriate to do publicly.” I am an autistic parent to an autistic person. I also had a friend in the past who had a son who did this to his younger sisters. His mom and therapist provided appropriate intervention and he learned to curb the impulses, or take them elsewhere. However, when it first started (he was around 9, almost 10) it happened with his sister’s friend, another toddler aged person, and that parent reported it to the police. That boy then had to go to a sexual behavior place, where they gave specific therapy for the behaviors. It was mandated by the courts and it was inappropriate for his needs, because it was for would-be young predators, not autistic folks. It caused more issues in the long run by mislabeling him.
Talk to your parents seriously. Things will only escalate if you don’t.
It is common for special needs people. my best friend with down syndrome does it regularly and told me to look before. i told him ew no. it is common, but it should be taught in a different way. i did the same when i was younger, but not for any sexual reasons.
It’s important to address it to your parents, because if no one do anything seriously, he could be worst and worst with time and got problems for inappropriate behaviour like that
Sadly, it’s normal to rub against things. It’s obviously not acceptable to use other people to rub against, or even to rub with others around, but it’s normal to start rubbing at that age. If he doesn’t know what constitutes as shameful behavior, for him it may just be normal. Talk to your parents and talk to him as a group to let him know that he isn’t supposed to rub against others or with others around. Overall, it sounds like it is time for your parents to give him the talk. For context: I started rubbing around that age, but I had a concept of shame and so I did it in private. My brother also started rubbing around then but didn’t know it was shameful so he just rubbed against the carpet or against the sofa while my mom was working…i told my mom and she said “oh he’s just dancing”…. Yeah don’t let your parents pull that.
hope all goes well with telling your parents OP, i know it’s scary but you need to do this so you can feel safe and happy and your brother can learn it’s inappropriate, love and thoughts 🫶🏻
My son does this and I correct him on the spot, the only thing is it’s never ending so sometimes I don’t always catch him, but your his sister, u should help correct him as well, don’t just scream, tell him that he’s doing sumthing nasty and to take himself to the bathroom or something, you don’t want him to think that’s ok and he will if nobody does anything
tell your parents, if they refuse to help then start a police report so it’s on paper in his record. being autistic doesn’t give you a right to sex pest anyone. you absolutely must tell your parents or it will get far worse
OP I’m so sorry. Yes your parents need to know but if I’m reading your post right I think I understand just how hard it is to just tell them. Do you have another trusted adult who you could tell, who could sit with you when you tell them? I had parents who couldn’t handle difficult situations and would ignore or blow them off. I just want to affirm that it can be harder than ‘just tell them’. Not saying that’s the case with your parents, but you remind me of myself in how you talk. I’m not blaming them or saying they are bad people at all, but very gently your mum saw it and your dad heard you scream out. It hasn’t been addressed yet. You deserve to have adults help you and your brother. Your parents need to know, but could you have an advocate? Please keep posting. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tysm, it’s kinda unanimous everyone told me to tell my parents but every part of me just dreads that and I feel like people are making it seem easier than it is or that I’m stupid for not having done it already? Maybe I misread but it was a condescending comment or two. I appreciate your concern and I do plan on leaving an update because I already decided that I’m going to tell my therapist first on Wednesday because I know for a fact I can get support from her, I’m reluctant to tell my mom because of that past experience where I spoke up and it was brushed off. Thanks again for making me a feel js a lil more understood 💟
Oh I’m *so* glad you are going to tell your therapist. That’s really brave. It can be far harder than ‘just tell them’, although I understand the care behind someone saying that. You’re not stupid, and for some of us, we are taught implicitly as children that it’s not ok to bring up certain things. The sense of dread and embarrassment you talk of points me in that direction. And there is some evidence that your mother has not heard you, from that last interaction you had with her. Your therapist has more distance from your brother and will be able to look out for you. All the best for Wednesday! Edit: clarity
I’m Autistic
if he understands pictures and basic words you could put it into a mini story board for him to explain that he can't touch himself unless he's in his room. edit: what i mean is, each picture should show an action, and there should be a word or small sentence underneath each picture to explain what it is.
Thank you for the edits
Definitely mention this to a parent. I had a cousin when I was in foster care who was kind of like this, I don't think he had autism, but he was younger than me and I was 10-11 at the time, and it made me uncomfortable and I didn't mention it to the foster parents because he was 'blood family' and technically never touched me, just kind of would expose himself and touch it. I refused to touch anything after him. So, as for the 'is this common' part of the question, well, I'm not a boy. He probably isn't aware that it's not something he should do, it's a new thing his body is doing, and he likely wasn't given warning from your parents that his body would change. When I went through puberty, I was living with just my biological dad, and he made sure the nurse at my middle school had a talk with me about it. I did forget about a lot of it and thought I was crapping myself when THAT stuff started, and I was with my grandparents (on my dad's side) at the time, and they made sure I also knew what to do and what to expect. That kind of conversation needs to happen between your brother and your parents, and you should make sure your parents know it is distressing you, that way they know not to wait to have that talk with him. It isn't a talk you need have, or have to deal with at all.
Explain to him that it is not wanted, not appropriate, and that you will not be sitting with him like this for a while. Tell an adult what is happening, and that you've set a boundary and hpw you're enforcing it (by no longer sitting like this with him) and refrain from sitting like this with him until you feel that he is no longer going to do this. Since he is mentally at the same level as a 4 year old, he will need to be taught that it isn't appropriate to do this sort of thing and it will take time. Given the deficit he has, he most likely does not understand that it is wrong or why, but it is a very important lesson for him to learn asap so he isn't doing anything like this again, especially because it could get a lot worse if not resolved as early as possible.
This is not common regarding people who only have autism, but given you mentioned he has other developmental delays, it might be worth bringing up what those are as well and asking around in those subreddits too, since sometimes a combination of things like that can make someone quite socially unaware (I’ve seen that a lot, but I think it’s important to note that he does have other things going on). Regardless, I think you should tell a parent and try to make him aware that what he’s doing isn’t okay. If there’s no intervention done by your parents, I’m not sure what to do, but you’ve got our support here.
Autism isn't an excuse for those behaviors ! Please tell everythings to your parents.
I was feeling sorry for myself because of social isolation and chronic rejection, this post made me stop being a cry baby. I’m sorry you are going through all of this, it sounds very stressful. Although I haven’t been in this exact situation, I’m familiar with the discomfort of unwanted sexual advances and exposure at a young age. It’s rough, and I’m so impressed by your maturity and how you stand up for your brother in spite of everything. As a mom of a child with down syndrome I have been guilty of babying my child and not holding them accountable for their behavior, including the behavior that negatively impacts their older sibling. As that type of mom I can tell you that if my oldest child sat down to have a proper conversation about how they are feeling, I would definitely take it seriously and get my shit together. As a matter of fact, your story has inspired me to do it without my child having to ask me. I don’t know if your mom would be the same, but maybe it’s worth a shot. P.S. if it’s distressing enough to make you want to cry, cry. The movie inside out really got it right, crying is how we let (safe and loving) people know we need them. When my kids cry, my whole world stops and I’m there for them. Sending love.
Hey friend, I am VERY sorry that this happened, you have every right to be uncomfortable, because it is uncomfortable. First and foremost, you need to make sure your parents know and that your comfort and safety is being considered. You are their child too and your boundaries matter. This isn't uncommon, it's pretty typical for autistic children to explore this way. It may be from puberty and hormones or stimming and not understanding the full context of what he's doing. It is not malicious, but is still harmful, and to keep both of you safe the adults have to know. Usually, the best outcome is teaching the person that this is something that is done in PRIVATE, if possible. Redirecting to his room or a bathroom is best, until the arousal is gone away. This is the strategy I have seen applied by many families and autism therapists I have worked with historically. If your brother has any therapy supports, his provider can help your parents with suggestions. Your therapist is a great person to talk to about this. They can help you process your feelings, and if not talk to your parents, then help you decide what to say to them. If you notice him engaging in any sexual behavior around you, immediately leave the situation and get your parents. Every time. You can make a plan together to find a strategy that works to keep you safe until he learns how to cope with these new feelings. This is a tough one, but ultimately you are not responsible for your brother. Communicating with your parents about this is the best thing you can do for everyone involved.
Nailed it
You need to set firm boundaries about no sexual activity around you, and have your parents help enforce that. If this is done correctly, he will eventually learn that it is not appropriate to engage in sexual activity around others. Given your description of his being at the level of a three or four-year-old, this is probably the best method. Basically, treat it the same as teaching neurotypical preschoolers that they need to keep their clothes on or not touch people in certain spots. Be gentle but firm until they figure it out.
Family or not, this is incredibly inappropriate behavior. Please tell your parents as soon as you can.
Kids from a young age are always gonna be curious it’s natural especially if he’s developmentally delayed but the way it’s making you feel is definitely an issue and should be brought up to your parents
I (unfortunately) did it to my sister when I was younger and around the same age. It is NOT OK. You DESERVE to be treated with respect. You HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE and be strict, specific about how he should behave around you. Say, 'The rules are that you have to be a GOOD ROOM MATE, and that means not saying or doing anything sexual such as.. doing this is NOT ALLOWED in our house. Sexual things are NOT ALLOWED between family members. This is bad touch. You cannot act sexually around family members. Be very strict, say this every day, set the rules, write them down and put them on the fridge, report it to everyone, don't keep it secret. He will very soon stop. Just be serious and strict about it.
Did what to sister?
You are on your right to say no, is your body. I would either bring it up to a trusted adult or if you feel comfortable enough express it to your brother: "Please, stop doing that, is making me feel uncomfortable and I don't like it". That being said, I don't think your brother understands what it really means, he is doing something that to him feels good but doesn't understand the implications of it and needs someone to explain to him, in a non judgemental way, why is not ok to do something like this without permission.
I must just say no that’s not ok and walk away or something.
your understading and sensitivity is HUGE for a girl your age. but as an autistic creep myself, he is still abusing you even if unintentionally. him not being a bad guy ...doesn't diminish you being victimized. it is complicated and you seem to understand that in a way many adults do not. please address this as sexual abuse while still being understanding of your brother's lack of malice or intention.
What age and level of Autism?! Contexts are the key to reply to this. Anyhow, report that to your parents as that behavior isn't OK anyway and buggers you.
if you read the post it says her brother is 10 and also has development delay. so probably "level 2" autism, even though I don't believe in autistic levels.
idk how you couldn't after seeing all the comments in this post. so much ableist bs and flat out misinformation that people are spreading and excusing away because they have autism themselves. But it's clearly the complete opposite end of the spectrum to the point it's not even comparable anymore, because this behavior is not at all uncommon for someone of that age with higher needs autism or any severe developmental delay for that matter (it's extremely common for even NT toddlers/young children to need redirected, so delays and stim seeking make kids similiar to op's brother even more susceptible). It's not "okay", and the parents do need to put a plan in place immediately, but it's disturbing the witch hunt going on rn for a literal 10 year old who clearly does not know what he's doing, which even OP has said 100 times. Even SHE realizes that. So it's wild that she can relate to him more than hundreds of his so called peers (i'm not saying they aren't autistic, i'm just saying this is why levels and differentiation are crucial IMHO. Lumping everything together is why so many people went undiagnosed for years because they just flat out aren't comparable. If you look for symptoms of someone with lvl 3 of course someone with lvl 1 could go umissed. If you treat someone with lvl 3 as if they have lvl 1, like people in this post keep doing, you are bordering on abuse. There is such a push to not infantilize autistic people and to some extent I agree that it's bad. But for some things...it's literally necessary. If someone is operating on the same mental level as a 4 year old, you have to hande things far different than someone who isn't. So many kids are going to get left behind and it's really, really upsetting especially considering many of these people saying these things have a decent change of having a higher needs child, since it's genetic.
Talk to your parents , if you don't talk to them nothing will be done and how is he able to put his hands done your pants ? I think you should of stopped being so close to him when he started puberty but I assumed you already stopped seeing now that you've seen what a male puberty is like