I didn't fully understand the relentlessness of parenting. Especially as an EBF mom the first few months there are zero breaks. Sick? Sorry, you don't really get time to recover. Tired? Don't really get enough sleep until much later...
That said, I can't imagine my life without my daughter. Currently pregnant with #2 and trying to prepare myself but I'm sure there will again be things that surprise me
This. My baby is 13 weeks old and the relentlessness is what I wasn’t prepared for.
I had spent years reading. I read pregnancy and parenting books, memoirs about motherhood, articles about the science and medicine behind pregnancy. I came into this pretty prepared. Individually, none of the tasks of parenting have been a surprise. It’s just the relentlessness that I didn’t fully internalize. I knew it would be relentless- I just didn’t understand the depths of that.
Sending you hugs. It’s so hard. I keep telling myself this stage is temporary but it does not feel like it.
If you’re looking for advice, read on. If not, skip this part. When my baby approaches the inconsolable stage or just will not go down, I’m still doing skin to skin. It helps him a lot but it also still floods my body with feel good chemicals so I can better handle how hard this stage can be.
Great idea, thank you. He mostly screams with dad right now, which is making everything much harder. It feels like a prison some days. I wonder if skin to skin will work for dad? Thanks again!
Almost 5 month old twins. The relentlessness of it is a great way to put it. That’s what I was not prepared for. And even on the off chance you get a break, you are still thinking about them. Parenting is 24/7
I think especially if you’ve only worked white collar jobs in your life, it’s a completely foreign experience. I remember having the fleeting thought that the schedule needed to be optimized - like if she could nurse all at once so I could then do someone else… but of course you can’t.
I tried to EBF my second after pretty much EFF my first and I honestly did not think about how much pressure and how relentless that would be. Being on call all day, every day, being the only one who can respond to that demand (unless I pumped, which I was trying not to do until after I nursed because I was trying to get my supply up).
We ended up with combo feeding, because if there was a way to increase my supply to the demand I just couldn't give any more to it while being the only one home all day. I do still nurse first, so getting out still has its logistical challenges sometimes (will there be a nice place I can sit, how am I going to do this, what do I need to wear so I can easily nurse) but it's not as intense pressure-wise.
Also the way the relentless starts literally the moment you give birth and doesn't let up for SO LONG. Just recently at 17-18 months do I feel like I can leave the house and turn off mom brain for a few hours. (Gonna go away for a night or a weekend later this summer and that will be HUGE).
I am so grateful that I have a husband who was so excited to become a dad that he gleefully takes the kids off my hands any chance he gets. Having a reasonable age gap between kids is also helpful as I am learning the hard way (8, 1 and newborn).
The transition from 2 to 3, where you become outnumbered - that's where I would seriously caution anyone to really consider if they are mentally prepared.
When I got home with my newborn, I remmember thinking “noone told me about this” when I was dealing with recovery and cluster feeding. After two months I feel like I got into this new flow in my life. Then it is what I thought it would be: guide a new human through life and this world. What I never thought it would be is this overload of love and need to protect. I never experienced this love from my own mother, so I feel like this is healing in a way.
This is so real. Nothing could have prepared me for how overwhelmingly I love my child. It physically hurts me, and I always heard parents say that but I couldn't comprehend it. Watching them learn about life, the good and the bad, is a rollercoaster of joy and grief. Realizing that you can't shield them from everything breaks your heart.
I felt that way too. It’s a weird thing because no one wants to be the person to say how hard postpartum is to a pregnant mom. It’s a weird thing because I do feel like we need a warning.
i’m not a mom yet but i follow this sub bc i’ve always wanted kids but i’m trying to not have expectations of motherhood when i get into it - i just expect to not get much sleep, have sore boobs and be on edge but also be so full of love and happiness that i get to raise a little person to be accepted and have the unconditional love that i didn’t have from my primary parent. My expectations for being a mother are to just love my kids and be a good mom - i have 0 expectations for my child, just that they will be loved.
I knew in theory that there were no breaks, but actually living it is something different.
Same way that I knew I might be up every 2hrs, but actually living that tiredness is something different.
I do make sure to tell friends who are thinking of kids what it is actually like and that it's normal!
Agree. I saw my sisters become parents, breastfeed, go through sleep deprivation. But there was still nothing that could prepare me to go through it myself!
I feel this Is how it is for most people. You can tell a non parent how hard with the relentless schedule, barely sleeping straight for more than 2-3 hours, it’s really hard to comprehend. I knew all of this and I’m insomniac who can function on 5 hours of sleep every day before baby. But the constant work 24/7 …and broken sleep. So even though I got 5 hours of sleep, it’s not the same as 5 hours of straight sleep.
Same! I even worked with toddlers a lot before getting pregnant but while the newborn stage felt natural and easy, having your own toddler go crazy on you is so completely different from anything I expected! My guess is every tantrum feels more like a personal attack hahaha
Yeah my girl is 4 months and it's honestly been pretty natural so far. But I know I am going to get my ass handed to me when she's a toddler. Keeping a baby entertained doesn't require too much energy. Keeping a toddler entertained though....
Parenting a toddler is single handedly the hardest thing I've ever done - people throwing around "terrible twos" and "threenager" really aren't doing justice to the trauma of being screamed at for an hour straight! I've got a new born now and alongside the toddler her issues are so easy to solve. I was naive 😅
I never imagined I’d be trying to get a toddler to go back to sleep for two hours. Now I’m so wound up, can’t sleep, have to be up in 1.5 hours for work, and have excruciating back pain from being 20 weeks pregnant with #2. I never in a million years imagined how hard this would be.
Solidarity! This sucks for you, but makes me feel less alone. Hours long night wakes trigger me so badly, the adrenaline build up is mental. Then they finally go to sleep and you’re just like…😵💫
9 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old. Even this early pregnant is tough, I’m genuinely terrified at what the remaining 7 months of pregnancy holds for me.
Yes and no. I took a long time to decide on whether or not I wanted kids and went to therapy to work through my thoughts and feelings about it (amongst other things).
I knew that, like all things in life, having a child wouldn’t be black and white. Wouldn’t be all good or all bad, would likely be a mixed bag with sometimes being a lot harder or a lot easier than others. I think this mindset helped me prepare for it.
Plus, I’m a patient person so I think that’s a huge help. My husband is *not* patient so this has been a bigger adjustment for him than for me I’d say.
I was extremely practiced in childcare as a long time early childhood educator. So I felt really confident with caretaking and supporting learning and such. I had some high expectations for myself and I stuck to them in most ways. The way that I was mind blown was with how ALL CONSUMINGLY protective I am of her. I have to acknowledge I’m an anxious person but the stakes are SO HIGH when it’s your own child. The mama bear awoke in me. As much as I loved my students and would go above and beyond to be who they needed and to protect them in the event of an emergency I felt relaxed about caring for them. My own? Much more worried and.. fierce! The difference between sending kids home to their parents at the end of the day and being the parent 24/7 is vast. The responsibility is HEAVY.
In general: Before I had a child, I thought I would understand how that is. That you don't give them sweets, talk to them all day long, educate them from an early stage, no telly time and so on. I also did the whole "giving advice to parents" thing and was silently judging parents I observed. Responsibly? I had a job and filed contracts with 7-8 digit ammounts, a house, a pet... Of course I knew about responsibility...
Well. I have never been so wrong in my entire life and I am still sorry for all my stupid comments and thoughts. Post partum stage: I had no clue what would happen with my body after the baby is actually born.
I had loads of issues with BF, hormones going wild etc. No one told me about that and noone seemed to care either. Though, I observe this behaviour with any FTM and don't correct them. In fact, we don't want to know, do we..?
> In fact, we don't want to know, do we..?
Definitely trying to warn a mom-to-be who just wants to be excited about the life growing inside of her is useless and only kills the pregnancy glow and the spirit of the woman. There's no use in it.
Furthermore, people struggle with different things post-partum. You could have missed me with all the advice I got about the issues I would supposedly have with sleeping, breastfeeding and birth because I had no issues in those departments.
I think, even if the advice applies, you only realize in the aftermath when you find out yourself.
Motherhood in general is such an individual thing you only sort of understand when you go through it yourself.
I 100% agree. Everyone "knows" that it's hard to raise/have kids but damn it's absolutely brutal. Everyone who says to a parent that they should not complain because they knew beforehand where they will get themselves into - just NO - it's incomprehensible hard. It's borderline torture for months to several years. Nothing you have experienced before comes even close , non stop sleep deprivation+being alert 24/7+basicly working 24/7+no break ever
No, I did not realize how life altering it is. It is completely different. I never expected to feel the way I did or want to change my life the way that I did. It is all encompassing. Nothing is more important. And yet before tons of things were important, now there is nothing that you can say that I have to do that comes above, “ i have to put the baby to sleep”, “ i have to feed the baby”’ i need to play with the baby”’ “i need to go out for a walk with him”. It’s crazy. In a good way.
I was completely unprepared for the possibility of *not* instantly bonding with my baby.
Our baby was planned, and loved from the moment i found out i was pregnant. And i spent 9 months fantasising about the magical moment of meeting him and feeling that intense rush of love and joy.
Except the birth was awful and traumatic, and i didnt get to see or hold them for hours, and that bond just didn't happen. No golden hour, no skin to skin, not able to BF.
Now at 8 weeks we are slowly getting there but its so not how i (naively) imagined.
Not a chance. I feel the same way you do!
I knew I wanted children, but hubby and I weren’t able to conceive for many years. As close friends started having children, I was watching their lifestyles change from game enthusiasts and foodies into hardworking dads and confident mums, I began to admire how much being a parent can mature you. I was feeling a little stuck without a powerful motivator to get me to the next level, so I was preparing for an ascetical boost when I finally became pregnant.
I couldn’t have prepared myself for what it would feel like to sacrifice my body for my little one without a thought and generally with willingness and delight — everything from the traumatic delivery to the everyday reality of hot meals being rare. But the biggest thing I couldn’t have imagined was how much my heart would expand. It seems like I am always loving my daughter more than I ever knew I was calable of, and then it just keeps getting bigget at her first smile, her first giggle… How much larger can my love get? I’m honestly not sure!
For me, there has been very little that has surprised me about having a baby. The things that are hard, the constantness, lack of flexibility and unpredictability are on par to what I thought as is the sheer joy of watching a little human develop. What I have noticed is for all my lack of surprise any friend I have who went into parenting with a lot of ideals and romantic dreams has been a bit shocked. I’m an excessively practical person, not great at dreaming so I think that’s a very different orientation.
Yeah no not at all but especially the newborn phase. 3 months in feels a bit more like what I had imagined but nothing prepared me for the newborn phase, it breaks you down.
I’ve actually found having a newborn to be way easier than I was led to believe. I credit that to an easy baby, a fully involved partner, and exclusively formula feeding. I sleep seven hours straight every single night and still get in a two hour nap every single day. We each have our shifts where we cover for the other. It is hard not seeing my husband as much, but neither of us have had any sleep deprivation
>It’s the only experience I’ve ever had where I look back and think, “There’s no way to understand what this feels like until you’ve experienced it yourself.”
I did have an idea how it would be like, and no matter how ready you are, it is still going to feel like you weren't entirely ready. What I didn't know for sure was how I would cope with the hardships.
Yes, but I had been around children for a very long time and was the oldest cousin in my decent sized family so I had seen what it required to parent. Nothing has really surprised me. Motherhood came pretty naturally to me.
I thought I knew a lot of things. Then they handed me a screaming new born and I literally said "what?".
I know nothing.
It's a learn as you go job, with a half written manual that's partially in another language and the subject matter is changing within a scope at a rapid pace, meanwhile the manual is not being updated.
I don’t think there’s truly a way to prepare you completely. I was a nanny and postpartum doula before having kids so the day to day reality of caring for kids and the postpartum period wasn’t new to me but experiencing it as the mom was still new and different. I do think I maybe adjusted more easily because of my experience, though
Honestly… it’s better/easier than I thought it would be.
I have worked at several horse barns and those experiences parallel being a twin mom pretty closely. Except as a twin mom the one yelling at me is my baby.
I have an incredible partner and I think doing this solo or with a man-child would be pretty hellish. But with a good partner it’s been kind of a blast.
No. I think it’s way better, however, I was terrified to have a child and had her younger! I also stay home with her, which I believe reduces a TON of stress. I can’t imagine working full time and being a primary care giver.
But, I was just telling my husband this, I still remember to this day (2 years later) the overwhelming feeling I had when I realized that newborn / baby care doesn’t stop for anything. It doesn’t stop in the middle of the night, it doesn’t stop when you’re tired, annoyed, impatient, having a bad day. It just doesn’t stop! Not that it’s a fast paced life… it just always comes first and it doesn’t care what kind of day you’re having. BUT you get used to it, it is your new normal and mom mode kicks on and you learn more and more and then they start to sleep through the night :) Coming from someone who loves being a mom and thinks raising your kids yourself is still very important. I’m pregnant with my second and plan to devote my life to being a mom! I will work when my kids are grown. And I’m happy and fulfilled with that.
I see a lot of posts these days about how shameful woman feel for wanting to stay home with their baby’s and not work, I think it’s so sad how much our society has normalized that. But I remember feeling the same way until I had her and realized how much more important she was to me than my 9-5.
Nooo lol I totally didn't. It's just different when it's your life, no matter how much people try to warn you. Some things were so much easier than I antecipated, and others were much harder. Maybe it all depends on the kid, idk.
Before I thought i can imagine - i myself was in a child - parent relationship and i have been witnessing lives of other families. Now i know that child-parent and parent-child relationships are completely different things. Being a child, you can’t imagine what your mother goes through and probably vice versa. And when you observe other families, you see some mundane movements, but the most important and significant things happen inside people. Child-free often have dogs, so i tell them it’s like getting a puppy, but a thousand times more.
I was absolutely not prepared for both the level of exhaustion, nor the level of love I felt for my LO.
I also was not prepared for dealing with having a child that needed a little extra support. My son's only 5, and between therapies, doctors appointment and just general paperwork stuff for school (I have ADHD, so getting it all done is hard) it is just constant work.
I feel the same. I had plans, did research, snd waited until we were actually ready. Nothing has gone like I expected. Our baby experience has been so much harder than I ever imagined.
Im saying this with the understanding I have a decently easy child, great partner support, and lack of mental health issues: it’s about what I expected, maybe a little easier.
I understand it will probably be (a lot) harder with a toddler and a second child. I’ve watched my nieces (3 and 5 years old) and they are DIFFICULT
Intellectually? Yes, at least in part. I was a live in nanny for a few years right out of highschool. But of course the whole experience can't be fully imagined.
I had the experience of a couple overnights, definitely working sick & feeling like death, the struggled of trying to keep the house clean & balancing a dog & kids. But the continual torture of a new baby? Nope, that was new. Plus the perpetual existence was wild. When I was a nanny, even after 16 hours I could walk downstairs & watch a show until I passed out. That is not the case now.
The emotional stuff is also something that can't be fully conceptualized.
You don’t know until you go through it, and I don’t think you can prepare in any way. You can read as much as you want, but every day brings something new and different. & every baby is different. It is tiring, sometimes it is frustrating, but every day I am soo thankful and blessed for my little one. There is nothing their little smile can’t make better. & it’s a journey, I think we as parents learn as we go, and so does our baby.
Yes! I was well prepared by working in childcare and step parenting for the drudgery and multitasking. I was not prepared for the bonding and the joy. My baby is 1 now and I didn’t know it was possible to love this much.
Yes and no. I understood that it would be life altering and my life would revolve around the kids, but I didn’t realize how hard it would actually be. I think the best example to sum up what I’m trying to say is it’s like when I thought newborn sleep would be a breeze. I thought I’d be sleeping in 2-3 hour blocks, setting alarms to wake up my baby, and sleep training as soon as possible. I didn’t know I would choose not to sleep train, my baby would wake up well before 2-3 hours, and sleep would be the toughest thing in the first year.
I definitely did not understand the all consuming ness of parenting. How to life change would really feel and how it would change every relationship you have. Also how intentional certain things like taking time for myself or spending alone time with my husband would need to be. It’s been some of the best and worst times of my life so far. That being said I can’t imagine life without them.
no, i had absolutely no idea. & at the same time, i wasn’t prepared for the purpose/fulfillment my babies would give my life, either. that was just as life altering & the sudden responsibilities.
Parenthood was something I never really imagined for myself for so I never really prepared. I grew up with nieces and nephews though that lived with us so I had plenty of experience with babies. But I was terrified. I thought parenting was going to basically end my life which in a way it did but it’s not necessarily a negative thing. The newborn phase was by far easier for me than I thought it would be. I think I got lucky though with a baby that just slept and ate and was awake for like 10-15 minutes here and there. Things got really tough for me at the 2.5 month mark because my son stopped transferring enough milk so I am pumping and combo feeding for as long as my mental health can handle it. That was the toughest part the challenges that came with breastfeeding. The pressure and anxiety of getting the perfect latch, feeding on demand and feeling like I can’t leave the house because I was too nervous to feed in public. Once I had my baby though my entire perspective of mothers changed and I have so much empathy and respect for moms and truly wish I would’ve been more supportive of my friends and family who had kids. I wished I would’ve helped them more and came over to do their dishes or drop off meals. My heart hurts so much and has expanded so much. I feel emotions so much more deeply and I already was a pretty sensitive person. It’s just wild the transformation that happens not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.
It depends. The responsibility, the sleepless nights, the worries...these things were not even as bad as I thought they would be. It's hard but not unexpected and it doesn't even feel like the hardest thing I ever did.
What was really unexpected is the crazy amount of love. I never thought I could feel so much love for someone else. It's a world apart from any other kind of love I ever felt. No love to a partner, a friend, or other family member comes even close to this.
Nothing is more beautiful than your child smiling at you when you get them in the morning.
Alternatively, nothing is more awful than dealing with a child who refuses to be soothed.
My daughter is fussy, needy, and requires constant stimulation and attention. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Yes & no. As someone already said, it is relentless. And in the beginning, I treated sleep deprivation more like a sprint than a marathon. I responded to night wake ups & pumping & the cleaning of all the parts how you normally do: Suck it up & power through, I'll get a chance to sleep later. Except that chance never comes. It took a while for me to adapt my mentality.
What I found really odd was the feeling like I was just baby sitting someone else's kid. I had a lot of experience watching other children, and I watched my nephews often. In the beginning, I'd find myself wondering if she should be swaddled, if perhaps a pacifier would work, what her "parents" would do to calm her. Then it was like, Wait, *I'm* the mom. *I* have to decide this.
Yes, so far at least. We're only 5 months in.
Everyone tells you that you can never be fully prepared for it or know what it's like. They especially loved to tell me that when I pretended to know what I was getting into from spending so much time taking care of my niece and nephew. I specifically remember my sister telling me that I don't know tired until I've tried being a mom of a newborn when I was complaining about my problems getting enough sleep in high school.
I honestly feel like I was prepared and that I did know what it would be like. I was a 1000% more sleep deprived in high school than these past months. There were extremely few things surprised me - I think how it feels to love your own child is the only surprising thing I experienced so far. It was also mildly surprising to me that I didn't fall into PPD because I actually expected it would be harder than I'm imagining and that my mental health would be affected but it hasn't been harder and my mental health has not been affected by it. My partner was way more surprised in all things baby than I was.
Honestly, yes. Only because I raised some of my siblings. I always hated when people would say it would be different when it was my "own child" since I love them as if they're my own. I was told it wasn't possible I loved them the same as if they were my biological children. Well, I do. I've had to act as a mother for so long that having a baby just felt natural to me at this point. I'm not saying it's healthy I feel this way considering I was raising kids when I was still a kid myself, but it definitely played a part in why it was such an easy transition. My husband struggled with the transition though. Still is somewhat, I think. I don't think he understood exactly what he was getting himself into. I think he imagined life with an older child instead of the baby he has to raise to get to that point.
I don’t think anyone can truly understand the gravity of how it will change not only your life, but who you are as a person. I’m seven months postpartum and I sincerely am a different person than I was at nine months pregnant. And I’ll never be the old me again.
It’s sort of like death in a sense. I always knew that one day, most likely, I’d be alive when my parents, who I always loved immensely, inevitably died. But when my mother suddenly passed away in her sleep a couple weeks after I turned 26…there’s just no way I could have really understood that feeling until it happened to me. And like birth, it altered me in a way I’ll never come back from.
The only thing I can say that I got right going into this was knowing that I could never truly prepare myself. So I didn’t stress about being prepared. In my mind, it wasn’t an option.
I did not get it at all. The fact that literally getting up for a glass of water was such a huge struggle in the beginning was something I just didn’t fully anticipate. I was thinking of “responsibility” totally differently than what it really is. You’re responsible for every second of their day! It’s so all-consuming. And I absolutely understand now why people say that non-parents don’t get it
For me, the biggest thing is the bittersweetness of time and being basically confronted with your mortality on a regular basis. When I didn't have kids, I just lived my life. I looked forward to vacations and holidays, the typical stuff. Day by day, life was mostly the same. Now, I see how my baby went from this tiny, fragile thing to a wild 14-month-old who runs around and loves to eat and play. You have to be proud because you raised them, they are healthy and happy because of you. But it's kind of sad because you realize parenting is full of 'the last' moments. The last breastfeeding, the last rocking to sleep, the last diaper change, the last time you pick them up.
Then you think about them growing up, driving a car, going to college, getting married. Then you think that one day you won't be here anymore.
NOPE - thought we were totally ready and prepared and knew what to expect. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Actually experiencing the relentless non-stop go go go that is parenting, is nothing you can mentally/emotionally/physically prepare for.
i got what it would be like. no big surprises yet. twins are 9 months old adjusted. they're chill. i guess i was surprised by the number of doctors visits and how annoying that would be. but mostly the babies themselves are pretty much as advertised, if anything this is easier than i thought it would be, just because everyone was like "oh my god twins you'll never sleep again!!!" i sleep fine. i've been sleeping this entire time. it's fine. i don't like other people catastrophizing on my behalf at all so maybe i just want to prove them wrong haha. but really it's not that intense. they're just babies, after all. i can easily outsmart them
I feel like I did, honestly. I was well aware of how it affected my parents’ lives, knew that I wanted to be a different parent and committed to it. I still remember the conscious decision I made when I decided to ask my now wife to marry me. It was a package deal in my opinion. I knew she wanted kids. I knew I was a hell raiser with a certain lifestyle and what the lifestyle of a good parent would entail. So I changed my life to make it that. I mean it hasn’t been easy but it’s been pretty much exactly what I expected it to be.
The one thing that was a shock was how much you have to teach them every..single…little…thing. You hope they will learn certain things like morals from you because you are leading by example but you can’t count on that. You have to actually verbalize those morals for instance.
As far as the child alone, yes. Textbooks, classes, childhood experience with my younger siblings. I knew and expected it to be rough, thankless, and a lifetime test of my patience. But the smiles and watching her learn are well worth it.
I was not prepared for the village with the in laws to feel so toxic after baby was born. They made the first several months hell with a refusal to help when I needed it, forced help when I didn't, survivor bias opinions they pushed, and a constant flow of shame and blame. I was even gaslit that my boundaries were extreme and I'm ruining my kid.
I understood having a kid would be an emotional roller coaster. I did not realize it would be because of the "village" formed from her existence.
I knew I liked my free time and that it would be busy and constant, but I don’t think you can understand the full extent of the constancy until you’re in it.
Like this weekend. I got about 5 minutes of free time one day. I chose to sit in the sun and do nothing. It felt glorious.
I think it was about 90% as expected. The biggest surprise was how difficult breastfeeding was. I knew there could be supply issues, but didn’t consider all the other potential difficulties. Everything else is pretty much as I pictured it.
No absolutely not. I wish I knew that sometimes there is truly nothing you can do to get your baby to go with what you have chosen for them.
She refused to breastfeed. We saw two lactation nurses and they literally diagnosed her with anger management issues.
I thought she would get used to sleeping in the bassinet. We tried all the tips and tricks. She just wouldn't do it. My breaking point was when she screamed for six hours straight in the middle of the night. We put her in her crib in a separate room and she sleeps like the dead.
Then she started rolling at two months. She refused to sleep on her back. She would just roll right back onto her tummy. She wouldn't contact nap either. I was told by older people to put rolled up towels next to her so she can't roll, which totally defeats the purpose of her sleeping on her back. I gave up and let her sleep on her tummy.
No one ever told me that there was a possibility she just wouldn't adjust to daycare either. She's been there for 3 months and she spends basically the whole day screaming and refusing to sleep. The daycare teacher told me that they have completely given up on a schedule for her.
Yes, I have lots of friends and family that have kids and I witnessed it all first hand and asked lots of questions and had all of the tough conversations before making the decision
The never ending “mom mom mom mom mom”. It’s… non stop. From the kids to their docs, teachers, daycare, friends, friends parents, if they’re sick it’s mom that stays home, if they get sick at daycare it’s mom that gets called, if something happens with child care and they can’t go it’s mom that either finds another arrangement or stays home 99% of the time. My husband has stayed home once since starting the kids in day care 3.5 months ago. And they have been sick almost every week. Or kids there that were sick. Or once that the daycare lady ended up in the hospital. I stayed home from work every time. Or left work early. And/or arranged other care so I could actually work. My husband has sick time AND vacation time he could use. I have neither. But. It’s mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom.
There is no possible way to comprehend it. I truly have no idea what I did with my time before and I absolutely did not value my freedom in a meaningful way.
I honestly do miss being child free in so many ways but I know that I’ll get the things/opportunities back that I miss most - and I’ll appreciate them deeply when I do. Luckily, missing those parts of my life and myself are (mostly) overshadowed by the contentment I feel - I am blown away by the magic of life and love.
Grateful to get to experience this and have the opportunity to learn and grow through this unique kind of love. And grateful to get to guide this epic little soul.
And also so fucking grateful to be out of the newborn period!!! 😂
No one told me about the post partum gas 😳🤣🤣Other than that I felt like it was as advertised. We were a very involved uncle and auntie though so I think that helped us prepare for the reality.
Sort of. I kind of feel like I was always a mother who just didn’t have her baby yet. Motherhood is very natural to me, so when I had a baby it was like everything fell into place. Granted I haven’t been a mom for long so maybe it’ll change, but I just feel like my whole world is complete now. I’m pleasantly surprised by how fulfilling it is, even though I always knew I wanted it.
I would say yes to an extent. But I was a parentified oldest sibling of 5.
This is going to sound SO silly but honestly my biggest realization was the transportation situation. You are no longer allowed the freedom of a quick gas station trip. If you leave the house for anything but a drive through it’s a buckling/unbuckling situation MINIMUM TWICE. And I HATE buckling and unbuckling and everything about standing outside and doing car seat related tasks. (This was also a major factor in me doing this Evenflo shyft dual ride for second baby). I remember shortly after we came home from the hospital and fiance went back to work I just really wanted a breath of fresh air and fountain drink from the gas station.
I got there and realized I needed to carry my wallet, the infant carrier (baby can’t be held on a hip easily with no neck control, can’t be put in a cart easily until they can sit up), AND my drink and snack. And keys. All on top of post partum grossness. And it was just so much freaking effort for a trip that would’ve taken 5 minutes pre baby
I still find leaving the house to be a chore and we have a super easy kid and never dealt with travel systems or diaper bags, it’s just a lot. That doesn’t feel like it should be a lot.
I was really only unprepared for the newborn stages. I raised both of my siblings, so the relentlessness, the sleep deprivation, the constant needing something, all that shit was old news to me.
I was a little too aware before, due to helping raise my siblings. There was a large age gap between me and my sibs, so I knew way more than I should have.
On the plus side, I knew ahead of time how to handle my daughter being gifted, how to change diapers, how to deal with solid foods, how to look after her and balance my time... We have our challenges, and I have stuff I am still learning, but the biggest things were the ones I learned how to handle, when my sibs were babies.
The toddler years have been testing my patience like nothing ever has. I didn’t think I’d ever snap or shout at my kid but no matter how hard I try I still have those moments. Like it’s bringing all these triggers that I never knew I had and I’m having to learn to work through them.
Oh hell no. Like looking back I can understand now when friends would tell me certain things but there’s just no way for me to have fully understood them before having a kid myself.
But some conversations I’ve had still stuck with me. In particular asking my own mom how she did/got through certain things and her answer being more or less “bc I had to. There’s not really another option” You could take that to be negative but instead I use it to psych myself up. Like yes this thing ahead of me is daunting but I need to do it so let’s just get it done” I think that is the ultimate mom superpower.
Oh definitely not. I didn’t have a clue. It genuinely is one of those things you have to experience to understand. Especially since the experience is so different for everyone. I knew it would be really hard and a big commitment and responsibility. I did not picture the hellscape that the newborn phase was though. Nor did I predict just how much having a child would put the nail in the coffin for my relationship with my husband.
Nor did I have any idea that this little guy would be my favorite person in the whole world, and that his smile would make me feel fulfilled and happy in a way I had never felt before.
I thought I had read so much and learned so much I would have a fairly good concept of what it would be like. I had no idea. I think before I would see moments that seem so beautiful and cuddly and ideal. And now I realize all of that was actually the mother’s labour. Breastfeeding is labour, feeding kids = cooking and cleaning, family fun on weekends is work, vacations =work, napping babies= a whole lot work to get them to that state.
It also far surpassed my expectations for how wonderful it is. I had no idea I could love them so much.
In some ways, yes. In other and many ways, no. A lot of surprises- like witching hour. No one talked to me about that one lol. So glad that phase is over.
I didn’t understand how bad the sleep deprivation would be. That triple feeding was a possibility and how brutal that is. That you had to wake them every 3 hours and their feed starts from the beginning of that 3 hour cycle. The anxiety I could have. How long cluster feeding could last.
The weird feelings. Like randomly feeling sick to my stomach for no reason. The random sadness. The postpartum rage and the guilt that comes with postpartum rage. Feeling totally alone even when people are trying to help.
I feel like there’s more probably but yeah there’s so much you just don’t know
Yeah sort of. I had taken care of my friends 14 month old who has autism for four months at one point. I didn’t know a lot about newborns but I remembered the toddler stuff.
I understood in concept, but it’s totally different having real life experience. I suppose this goes for many other things too. I essentially helped raise my sibling, so some of it, I knew, but of course, it’s very different when it’s your own child.
No, but so far our baby has fit in OK with our life. I work in agriculture so caring for plants and animals and never “arriving” or being finished, just constant cyclic tending and supervision is second nature. What I didn’t expect was how badly my tits would hurt shortly after she was born 😆
Yes, I had my LO at 39 so I’d seen friends and family and heard my sister vent. I’m very lucky to have family help nearby. If I didn’t everything would be much more difficult. When I need a break I can get 3-4 hours off. When I need an overnight babysitter or something urgent comes up I have support. I may not have had a kid if I didn’t have support. It’s simply relentless - the guilt especially gets to me, but I expected it.
I would agree with you, even though I felt like I had a pretty good understanding of of what I was getting into, nothing could have prepared me for the pure joy and love I had when I met my daughters, and what it would truly be like caring for them. The unparalleled love, the exhaustion, the sense of responsibility, nothing could have prepared me fully.
Edit: I was also not prepared for going through child birth (0/10 would not recommend) and then immediately having to parent. Like ma’am I haven’t slept in 2 days and now I have to feed a baby??
I had zeeerrrooo clue how much I was physically capable of loving, or how terrified I would be of losing my child. All logical brain went out the window the second my first was born and now I’m always fearing weird hypothetical scenarios
When you start a new job, you get to go home. When you work out, you get to rest and choose when to start again. When you socialize, you can stop when you've had enough. When you become a parent, that's it. No "going home", no break (obviously village steps in and you do get breaks if you're lucky) but truly no break from the mindfulness that there's a human being dependent on you for survival, and no stopping when you've had enough (unless you give them up for adoption).
I knew I didn’t know..so in that sense yes. I was a teacher and I knew how it felt to be responsible for those lives just during a school day…but I could usually turn that part of my brain off once I left. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to constantly have that on.
Absolutely not. You can study and know in theory what it entails. But to fully understand and feel it… it’s impossible unless you live it.
As a positive: Before having my son, I was expecting and preparing for my life to be basically over.
It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought (except for the sleep deprivation that really kicked me hard in the nuts) and I realized my life wasn’t over. It was different, changed but certainly not over.
I was not prepared for the newborn stage. Like at all. I really thought it involved watching movies on the couch while we hung out with baby. Ha!
We said our baby would be different from all the others… calm, not fussy. Ha!
I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of love I feel for my baby. I stare at him in awe.
I did not know what to expect, I didn't have any illusions that I understood what I was getting into, I just knew I wanted to do it more than anything. My philosophy was kind of "Not ready, but as ready as I'll ever be."
No, not at all!! I figured, I’ve babysat before, have younger siblings, owned a cat… NOTHING could have prepared me. Pet parents seriously have zero idea how very different it is to have a pet and have a child.
I also look back and think about how I could have been more supportive to friends/family when they had babies but I genuinely just had no clue what they were going through.
Not at all. I knew it would be an adjustment, I didn’t realize it would completely shift and change who I am as a person permanently. In the best way possible. I’m 100x more responsible, reliable, patient and caring than I was before I had my kids.
Its the best but most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I never thought I’d learn to be this patient before, I’m such an impatient person but not when it comes to my 7 month old. I never knew how much I could love someone until it came to him, I absolutely adore him and love seeing all of his firsts. He’s so good when I take him out on errands, hes like my mini bestie and makes my heart soar.
But its hard. My husbands away on a business trip this week and wow…I have so much respect for single moms. Its exhausting and hard. I have a job interview tomorrow and need to take a million steps to bring my son to my parents house a few hours early just so I can prep and be totally clear-minded and focused going into this. I’d be lying if I said I didnt miss just rolling out of bed and doing the interview with no stress.
The biggest one no one really tells you about is I miss having my body to myself. Obviously being pregnant I’m sharing my body with my baby, and so many foreign feelings and things are going on. And now I’m breastfeeding and my body looks so different I feel like I’m borrowing it from someone else.
I was thinking about this today. Under no circumstances did I think it would be THIS hard. I also never knew I would he irritated 90% of the time i thought having a baby was cuddles and love. I mean, people told me it was hard, but I just thought you would occasionally have a lot to do?
I didn't realise the sheer exhaustion, mental load, and the absolute over whelming sensation of doom anytime you went anywhere, and your kid starts teetering on a melt down.
Absolutely NOT. I was so delulu. Like you said I knew I‘d have huge responsibilty but I didnt expect how much I‘d leave my old life behind. It‘s like since I have a kid I see a world that I didn‘t know even existed lol. It‘s like you entered a new dimension and you can‘t get out. I also view parents in a completely new way. What I also found funny was the moment we became parents, all parents would give us that „aaaaand…how are you holding up“ look like they knew what we‘re going thru but never said a word about how hard it really is. haha….
I didn't fully understand the relentlessness of parenting. Especially as an EBF mom the first few months there are zero breaks. Sick? Sorry, you don't really get time to recover. Tired? Don't really get enough sleep until much later... That said, I can't imagine my life without my daughter. Currently pregnant with #2 and trying to prepare myself but I'm sure there will again be things that surprise me
This. My baby is 13 weeks old and the relentlessness is what I wasn’t prepared for. I had spent years reading. I read pregnancy and parenting books, memoirs about motherhood, articles about the science and medicine behind pregnancy. I came into this pretty prepared. Individually, none of the tasks of parenting have been a surprise. It’s just the relentlessness that I didn’t fully internalize. I knew it would be relentless- I just didn’t understand the depths of that.
Yeah, until you've experienced it you can "know" but can't really understand
At 13 weeks and SAME.
I thought the newborn stage was going to be the hardest. I have been proven wrong. The contact napping is ridiculous.
Every day all day. It's so damn hard. Woke up to a screaming baby today and just started crying with him.
Sending you hugs. It’s so hard. I keep telling myself this stage is temporary but it does not feel like it. If you’re looking for advice, read on. If not, skip this part. When my baby approaches the inconsolable stage or just will not go down, I’m still doing skin to skin. It helps him a lot but it also still floods my body with feel good chemicals so I can better handle how hard this stage can be.
Great idea, thank you. He mostly screams with dad right now, which is making everything much harder. It feels like a prison some days. I wonder if skin to skin will work for dad? Thanks again!
It does!
Relentlessness is a great word here.
Almost 5 month old twins. The relentlessness of it is a great way to put it. That’s what I was not prepared for. And even on the off chance you get a break, you are still thinking about them. Parenting is 24/7
I think especially if you’ve only worked white collar jobs in your life, it’s a completely foreign experience. I remember having the fleeting thought that the schedule needed to be optimized - like if she could nurse all at once so I could then do someone else… but of course you can’t.
This made me smile lol. “Schedule needs to be optimized. Sent you a quick teams invite to discuss. May need a daily scrum call for this.”
I tried to EBF my second after pretty much EFF my first and I honestly did not think about how much pressure and how relentless that would be. Being on call all day, every day, being the only one who can respond to that demand (unless I pumped, which I was trying not to do until after I nursed because I was trying to get my supply up). We ended up with combo feeding, because if there was a way to increase my supply to the demand I just couldn't give any more to it while being the only one home all day. I do still nurse first, so getting out still has its logistical challenges sometimes (will there be a nice place I can sit, how am I going to do this, what do I need to wear so I can easily nurse) but it's not as intense pressure-wise.
Also the way the relentless starts literally the moment you give birth and doesn't let up for SO LONG. Just recently at 17-18 months do I feel like I can leave the house and turn off mom brain for a few hours. (Gonna go away for a night or a weekend later this summer and that will be HUGE).
When I got food poisoning during the 4 month regression, that was a brutal wake up call for being EBF and the reliance on me. Got through it though!
I am so grateful that I have a husband who was so excited to become a dad that he gleefully takes the kids off my hands any chance he gets. Having a reasonable age gap between kids is also helpful as I am learning the hard way (8, 1 and newborn). The transition from 2 to 3, where you become outnumbered - that's where I would seriously caution anyone to really consider if they are mentally prepared.
When I got home with my newborn, I remmember thinking “noone told me about this” when I was dealing with recovery and cluster feeding. After two months I feel like I got into this new flow in my life. Then it is what I thought it would be: guide a new human through life and this world. What I never thought it would be is this overload of love and need to protect. I never experienced this love from my own mother, so I feel like this is healing in a way.
This is so real. Nothing could have prepared me for how overwhelmingly I love my child. It physically hurts me, and I always heard parents say that but I couldn't comprehend it. Watching them learn about life, the good and the bad, is a rollercoaster of joy and grief. Realizing that you can't shield them from everything breaks your heart.
THIS. The whole mama bear thing is so real.
I felt that way too. It’s a weird thing because no one wants to be the person to say how hard postpartum is to a pregnant mom. It’s a weird thing because I do feel like we need a warning.
i’m not a mom yet but i follow this sub bc i’ve always wanted kids but i’m trying to not have expectations of motherhood when i get into it - i just expect to not get much sleep, have sore boobs and be on edge but also be so full of love and happiness that i get to raise a little person to be accepted and have the unconditional love that i didn’t have from my primary parent. My expectations for being a mother are to just love my kids and be a good mom - i have 0 expectations for my child, just that they will be loved.
I knew in theory that there were no breaks, but actually living it is something different. Same way that I knew I might be up every 2hrs, but actually living that tiredness is something different. I do make sure to tell friends who are thinking of kids what it is actually like and that it's normal!
Agree. I saw my sisters become parents, breastfeed, go through sleep deprivation. But there was still nothing that could prepare me to go through it myself!
I feel this Is how it is for most people. You can tell a non parent how hard with the relentless schedule, barely sleeping straight for more than 2-3 hours, it’s really hard to comprehend. I knew all of this and I’m insomniac who can function on 5 hours of sleep every day before baby. But the constant work 24/7 …and broken sleep. So even though I got 5 hours of sleep, it’s not the same as 5 hours of straight sleep.
Having a baby felt completely natural for me, but having a three year old is the biggest challenge of my life 😅
Same! I even worked with toddlers a lot before getting pregnant but while the newborn stage felt natural and easy, having your own toddler go crazy on you is so completely different from anything I expected! My guess is every tantrum feels more like a personal attack hahaha
Yeah my girl is 4 months and it's honestly been pretty natural so far. But I know I am going to get my ass handed to me when she's a toddler. Keeping a baby entertained doesn't require too much energy. Keeping a toddler entertained though....
Parenting a toddler is single handedly the hardest thing I've ever done - people throwing around "terrible twos" and "threenager" really aren't doing justice to the trauma of being screamed at for an hour straight! I've got a new born now and alongside the toddler her issues are so easy to solve. I was naive 😅
As someone who is struggling to handle the newborn stage, this does not give me hope 😭
Toddlers are tyrants but they're also brilliant and unique and so much fun. They just kick your arse in the process 😂
I never imagined I’d be trying to get a toddler to go back to sleep for two hours. Now I’m so wound up, can’t sleep, have to be up in 1.5 hours for work, and have excruciating back pain from being 20 weeks pregnant with #2. I never in a million years imagined how hard this would be.
omg...like ACTUALLY how are you surviving? that sounds really tough.
Solidarity! This sucks for you, but makes me feel less alone. Hours long night wakes trigger me so badly, the adrenaline build up is mental. Then they finally go to sleep and you’re just like…😵💫 9 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old. Even this early pregnant is tough, I’m genuinely terrified at what the remaining 7 months of pregnancy holds for me.
Yes and no. I took a long time to decide on whether or not I wanted kids and went to therapy to work through my thoughts and feelings about it (amongst other things). I knew that, like all things in life, having a child wouldn’t be black and white. Wouldn’t be all good or all bad, would likely be a mixed bag with sometimes being a lot harder or a lot easier than others. I think this mindset helped me prepare for it. Plus, I’m a patient person so I think that’s a huge help. My husband is *not* patient so this has been a bigger adjustment for him than for me I’d say.
I was extremely practiced in childcare as a long time early childhood educator. So I felt really confident with caretaking and supporting learning and such. I had some high expectations for myself and I stuck to them in most ways. The way that I was mind blown was with how ALL CONSUMINGLY protective I am of her. I have to acknowledge I’m an anxious person but the stakes are SO HIGH when it’s your own child. The mama bear awoke in me. As much as I loved my students and would go above and beyond to be who they needed and to protect them in the event of an emergency I felt relaxed about caring for them. My own? Much more worried and.. fierce! The difference between sending kids home to their parents at the end of the day and being the parent 24/7 is vast. The responsibility is HEAVY.
In general: Before I had a child, I thought I would understand how that is. That you don't give them sweets, talk to them all day long, educate them from an early stage, no telly time and so on. I also did the whole "giving advice to parents" thing and was silently judging parents I observed. Responsibly? I had a job and filed contracts with 7-8 digit ammounts, a house, a pet... Of course I knew about responsibility... Well. I have never been so wrong in my entire life and I am still sorry for all my stupid comments and thoughts. Post partum stage: I had no clue what would happen with my body after the baby is actually born. I had loads of issues with BF, hormones going wild etc. No one told me about that and noone seemed to care either. Though, I observe this behaviour with any FTM and don't correct them. In fact, we don't want to know, do we..?
> In fact, we don't want to know, do we..? Definitely trying to warn a mom-to-be who just wants to be excited about the life growing inside of her is useless and only kills the pregnancy glow and the spirit of the woman. There's no use in it. Furthermore, people struggle with different things post-partum. You could have missed me with all the advice I got about the issues I would supposedly have with sleeping, breastfeeding and birth because I had no issues in those departments.
I think, even if the advice applies, you only realize in the aftermath when you find out yourself. Motherhood in general is such an individual thing you only sort of understand when you go through it yourself.
I 100% agree. Everyone "knows" that it's hard to raise/have kids but damn it's absolutely brutal. Everyone who says to a parent that they should not complain because they knew beforehand where they will get themselves into - just NO - it's incomprehensible hard. It's borderline torture for months to several years. Nothing you have experienced before comes even close , non stop sleep deprivation+being alert 24/7+basicly working 24/7+no break ever
No, I did not realize how life altering it is. It is completely different. I never expected to feel the way I did or want to change my life the way that I did. It is all encompassing. Nothing is more important. And yet before tons of things were important, now there is nothing that you can say that I have to do that comes above, “ i have to put the baby to sleep”, “ i have to feed the baby”’ i need to play with the baby”’ “i need to go out for a walk with him”. It’s crazy. In a good way.
I was completely unprepared for the possibility of *not* instantly bonding with my baby. Our baby was planned, and loved from the moment i found out i was pregnant. And i spent 9 months fantasising about the magical moment of meeting him and feeling that intense rush of love and joy. Except the birth was awful and traumatic, and i didnt get to see or hold them for hours, and that bond just didn't happen. No golden hour, no skin to skin, not able to BF. Now at 8 weeks we are slowly getting there but its so not how i (naively) imagined.
Not a chance. I feel the same way you do! I knew I wanted children, but hubby and I weren’t able to conceive for many years. As close friends started having children, I was watching their lifestyles change from game enthusiasts and foodies into hardworking dads and confident mums, I began to admire how much being a parent can mature you. I was feeling a little stuck without a powerful motivator to get me to the next level, so I was preparing for an ascetical boost when I finally became pregnant. I couldn’t have prepared myself for what it would feel like to sacrifice my body for my little one without a thought and generally with willingness and delight — everything from the traumatic delivery to the everyday reality of hot meals being rare. But the biggest thing I couldn’t have imagined was how much my heart would expand. It seems like I am always loving my daughter more than I ever knew I was calable of, and then it just keeps getting bigget at her first smile, her first giggle… How much larger can my love get? I’m honestly not sure!
For me, there has been very little that has surprised me about having a baby. The things that are hard, the constantness, lack of flexibility and unpredictability are on par to what I thought as is the sheer joy of watching a little human develop. What I have noticed is for all my lack of surprise any friend I have who went into parenting with a lot of ideals and romantic dreams has been a bit shocked. I’m an excessively practical person, not great at dreaming so I think that’s a very different orientation.
Yeah no not at all but especially the newborn phase. 3 months in feels a bit more like what I had imagined but nothing prepared me for the newborn phase, it breaks you down.
I’ve actually found having a newborn to be way easier than I was led to believe. I credit that to an easy baby, a fully involved partner, and exclusively formula feeding. I sleep seven hours straight every single night and still get in a two hour nap every single day. We each have our shifts where we cover for the other. It is hard not seeing my husband as much, but neither of us have had any sleep deprivation
>It’s the only experience I’ve ever had where I look back and think, “There’s no way to understand what this feels like until you’ve experienced it yourself.” I did have an idea how it would be like, and no matter how ready you are, it is still going to feel like you weren't entirely ready. What I didn't know for sure was how I would cope with the hardships.
Yes, but I had been around children for a very long time and was the oldest cousin in my decent sized family so I had seen what it required to parent. Nothing has really surprised me. Motherhood came pretty naturally to me.
I thought I knew a lot of things. Then they handed me a screaming new born and I literally said "what?". I know nothing. It's a learn as you go job, with a half written manual that's partially in another language and the subject matter is changing within a scope at a rapid pace, meanwhile the manual is not being updated.
I think I did, more or less, though the love is even bigger than I anticipated.
I don’t think there’s truly a way to prepare you completely. I was a nanny and postpartum doula before having kids so the day to day reality of caring for kids and the postpartum period wasn’t new to me but experiencing it as the mom was still new and different. I do think I maybe adjusted more easily because of my experience, though
Honestly… it’s better/easier than I thought it would be. I have worked at several horse barns and those experiences parallel being a twin mom pretty closely. Except as a twin mom the one yelling at me is my baby. I have an incredible partner and I think doing this solo or with a man-child would be pretty hellish. But with a good partner it’s been kind of a blast.
No. I think it’s way better, however, I was terrified to have a child and had her younger! I also stay home with her, which I believe reduces a TON of stress. I can’t imagine working full time and being a primary care giver. But, I was just telling my husband this, I still remember to this day (2 years later) the overwhelming feeling I had when I realized that newborn / baby care doesn’t stop for anything. It doesn’t stop in the middle of the night, it doesn’t stop when you’re tired, annoyed, impatient, having a bad day. It just doesn’t stop! Not that it’s a fast paced life… it just always comes first and it doesn’t care what kind of day you’re having. BUT you get used to it, it is your new normal and mom mode kicks on and you learn more and more and then they start to sleep through the night :) Coming from someone who loves being a mom and thinks raising your kids yourself is still very important. I’m pregnant with my second and plan to devote my life to being a mom! I will work when my kids are grown. And I’m happy and fulfilled with that. I see a lot of posts these days about how shameful woman feel for wanting to stay home with their baby’s and not work, I think it’s so sad how much our society has normalized that. But I remember feeling the same way until I had her and realized how much more important she was to me than my 9-5.
Nooo lol I totally didn't. It's just different when it's your life, no matter how much people try to warn you. Some things were so much easier than I antecipated, and others were much harder. Maybe it all depends on the kid, idk.
Before I thought i can imagine - i myself was in a child - parent relationship and i have been witnessing lives of other families. Now i know that child-parent and parent-child relationships are completely different things. Being a child, you can’t imagine what your mother goes through and probably vice versa. And when you observe other families, you see some mundane movements, but the most important and significant things happen inside people. Child-free often have dogs, so i tell them it’s like getting a puppy, but a thousand times more.
I was absolutely not prepared for both the level of exhaustion, nor the level of love I felt for my LO. I also was not prepared for dealing with having a child that needed a little extra support. My son's only 5, and between therapies, doctors appointment and just general paperwork stuff for school (I have ADHD, so getting it all done is hard) it is just constant work.
I feel the same. I had plans, did research, snd waited until we were actually ready. Nothing has gone like I expected. Our baby experience has been so much harder than I ever imagined.
Im saying this with the understanding I have a decently easy child, great partner support, and lack of mental health issues: it’s about what I expected, maybe a little easier. I understand it will probably be (a lot) harder with a toddler and a second child. I’ve watched my nieces (3 and 5 years old) and they are DIFFICULT
i always joke that i signed up for a baby, not a deep feeling, prone to tantrums, 5 year old! lord knows whats going to come over the next 20 years
Intellectually? Yes, at least in part. I was a live in nanny for a few years right out of highschool. But of course the whole experience can't be fully imagined. I had the experience of a couple overnights, definitely working sick & feeling like death, the struggled of trying to keep the house clean & balancing a dog & kids. But the continual torture of a new baby? Nope, that was new. Plus the perpetual existence was wild. When I was a nanny, even after 16 hours I could walk downstairs & watch a show until I passed out. That is not the case now. The emotional stuff is also something that can't be fully conceptualized.
You don’t know until you go through it, and I don’t think you can prepare in any way. You can read as much as you want, but every day brings something new and different. & every baby is different. It is tiring, sometimes it is frustrating, but every day I am soo thankful and blessed for my little one. There is nothing their little smile can’t make better. & it’s a journey, I think we as parents learn as we go, and so does our baby.
Yes! I was well prepared by working in childcare and step parenting for the drudgery and multitasking. I was not prepared for the bonding and the joy. My baby is 1 now and I didn’t know it was possible to love this much.
Yes and no. I understood that it would be life altering and my life would revolve around the kids, but I didn’t realize how hard it would actually be. I think the best example to sum up what I’m trying to say is it’s like when I thought newborn sleep would be a breeze. I thought I’d be sleeping in 2-3 hour blocks, setting alarms to wake up my baby, and sleep training as soon as possible. I didn’t know I would choose not to sleep train, my baby would wake up well before 2-3 hours, and sleep would be the toughest thing in the first year.
I definitely did not understand the all consuming ness of parenting. How to life change would really feel and how it would change every relationship you have. Also how intentional certain things like taking time for myself or spending alone time with my husband would need to be. It’s been some of the best and worst times of my life so far. That being said I can’t imagine life without them.
no, i had absolutely no idea. & at the same time, i wasn’t prepared for the purpose/fulfillment my babies would give my life, either. that was just as life altering & the sudden responsibilities.
Agree, I think I had a realistic view but it’s still something you cannot comprehend until you’ve done it!
Parenthood was something I never really imagined for myself for so I never really prepared. I grew up with nieces and nephews though that lived with us so I had plenty of experience with babies. But I was terrified. I thought parenting was going to basically end my life which in a way it did but it’s not necessarily a negative thing. The newborn phase was by far easier for me than I thought it would be. I think I got lucky though with a baby that just slept and ate and was awake for like 10-15 minutes here and there. Things got really tough for me at the 2.5 month mark because my son stopped transferring enough milk so I am pumping and combo feeding for as long as my mental health can handle it. That was the toughest part the challenges that came with breastfeeding. The pressure and anxiety of getting the perfect latch, feeding on demand and feeling like I can’t leave the house because I was too nervous to feed in public. Once I had my baby though my entire perspective of mothers changed and I have so much empathy and respect for moms and truly wish I would’ve been more supportive of my friends and family who had kids. I wished I would’ve helped them more and came over to do their dishes or drop off meals. My heart hurts so much and has expanded so much. I feel emotions so much more deeply and I already was a pretty sensitive person. It’s just wild the transformation that happens not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.
It depends. The responsibility, the sleepless nights, the worries...these things were not even as bad as I thought they would be. It's hard but not unexpected and it doesn't even feel like the hardest thing I ever did. What was really unexpected is the crazy amount of love. I never thought I could feel so much love for someone else. It's a world apart from any other kind of love I ever felt. No love to a partner, a friend, or other family member comes even close to this.
Exact same. Hit me like a freight train.
Nothing is more beautiful than your child smiling at you when you get them in the morning. Alternatively, nothing is more awful than dealing with a child who refuses to be soothed. My daughter is fussy, needy, and requires constant stimulation and attention. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
The ability to scream my newborn would have The lack of free time with a toddler How deeply I would love this child
I was ready for a baby. Toddler? No one told me how terrible that phase is!
Yes & no. As someone already said, it is relentless. And in the beginning, I treated sleep deprivation more like a sprint than a marathon. I responded to night wake ups & pumping & the cleaning of all the parts how you normally do: Suck it up & power through, I'll get a chance to sleep later. Except that chance never comes. It took a while for me to adapt my mentality. What I found really odd was the feeling like I was just baby sitting someone else's kid. I had a lot of experience watching other children, and I watched my nephews often. In the beginning, I'd find myself wondering if she should be swaddled, if perhaps a pacifier would work, what her "parents" would do to calm her. Then it was like, Wait, *I'm* the mom. *I* have to decide this.
Yes, so far at least. We're only 5 months in. Everyone tells you that you can never be fully prepared for it or know what it's like. They especially loved to tell me that when I pretended to know what I was getting into from spending so much time taking care of my niece and nephew. I specifically remember my sister telling me that I don't know tired until I've tried being a mom of a newborn when I was complaining about my problems getting enough sleep in high school. I honestly feel like I was prepared and that I did know what it would be like. I was a 1000% more sleep deprived in high school than these past months. There were extremely few things surprised me - I think how it feels to love your own child is the only surprising thing I experienced so far. It was also mildly surprising to me that I didn't fall into PPD because I actually expected it would be harder than I'm imagining and that my mental health would be affected but it hasn't been harder and my mental health has not been affected by it. My partner was way more surprised in all things baby than I was.
Honestly, yes. Only because I raised some of my siblings. I always hated when people would say it would be different when it was my "own child" since I love them as if they're my own. I was told it wasn't possible I loved them the same as if they were my biological children. Well, I do. I've had to act as a mother for so long that having a baby just felt natural to me at this point. I'm not saying it's healthy I feel this way considering I was raising kids when I was still a kid myself, but it definitely played a part in why it was such an easy transition. My husband struggled with the transition though. Still is somewhat, I think. I don't think he understood exactly what he was getting himself into. I think he imagined life with an older child instead of the baby he has to raise to get to that point.
I don’t think anyone can truly understand the gravity of how it will change not only your life, but who you are as a person. I’m seven months postpartum and I sincerely am a different person than I was at nine months pregnant. And I’ll never be the old me again. It’s sort of like death in a sense. I always knew that one day, most likely, I’d be alive when my parents, who I always loved immensely, inevitably died. But when my mother suddenly passed away in her sleep a couple weeks after I turned 26…there’s just no way I could have really understood that feeling until it happened to me. And like birth, it altered me in a way I’ll never come back from. The only thing I can say that I got right going into this was knowing that I could never truly prepare myself. So I didn’t stress about being prepared. In my mind, it wasn’t an option.
I did not get it at all. The fact that literally getting up for a glass of water was such a huge struggle in the beginning was something I just didn’t fully anticipate. I was thinking of “responsibility” totally differently than what it really is. You’re responsible for every second of their day! It’s so all-consuming. And I absolutely understand now why people say that non-parents don’t get it
For me, the biggest thing is the bittersweetness of time and being basically confronted with your mortality on a regular basis. When I didn't have kids, I just lived my life. I looked forward to vacations and holidays, the typical stuff. Day by day, life was mostly the same. Now, I see how my baby went from this tiny, fragile thing to a wild 14-month-old who runs around and loves to eat and play. You have to be proud because you raised them, they are healthy and happy because of you. But it's kind of sad because you realize parenting is full of 'the last' moments. The last breastfeeding, the last rocking to sleep, the last diaper change, the last time you pick them up. Then you think about them growing up, driving a car, going to college, getting married. Then you think that one day you won't be here anymore.
NOPE - thought we were totally ready and prepared and knew what to expect. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Actually experiencing the relentless non-stop go go go that is parenting, is nothing you can mentally/emotionally/physically prepare for.
i got what it would be like. no big surprises yet. twins are 9 months old adjusted. they're chill. i guess i was surprised by the number of doctors visits and how annoying that would be. but mostly the babies themselves are pretty much as advertised, if anything this is easier than i thought it would be, just because everyone was like "oh my god twins you'll never sleep again!!!" i sleep fine. i've been sleeping this entire time. it's fine. i don't like other people catastrophizing on my behalf at all so maybe i just want to prove them wrong haha. but really it's not that intense. they're just babies, after all. i can easily outsmart them
I feel like I did, honestly. I was well aware of how it affected my parents’ lives, knew that I wanted to be a different parent and committed to it. I still remember the conscious decision I made when I decided to ask my now wife to marry me. It was a package deal in my opinion. I knew she wanted kids. I knew I was a hell raiser with a certain lifestyle and what the lifestyle of a good parent would entail. So I changed my life to make it that. I mean it hasn’t been easy but it’s been pretty much exactly what I expected it to be. The one thing that was a shock was how much you have to teach them every..single…little…thing. You hope they will learn certain things like morals from you because you are leading by example but you can’t count on that. You have to actually verbalize those morals for instance.
As far as the child alone, yes. Textbooks, classes, childhood experience with my younger siblings. I knew and expected it to be rough, thankless, and a lifetime test of my patience. But the smiles and watching her learn are well worth it. I was not prepared for the village with the in laws to feel so toxic after baby was born. They made the first several months hell with a refusal to help when I needed it, forced help when I didn't, survivor bias opinions they pushed, and a constant flow of shame and blame. I was even gaslit that my boundaries were extreme and I'm ruining my kid. I understood having a kid would be an emotional roller coaster. I did not realize it would be because of the "village" formed from her existence.
I knew I liked my free time and that it would be busy and constant, but I don’t think you can understand the full extent of the constancy until you’re in it. Like this weekend. I got about 5 minutes of free time one day. I chose to sit in the sun and do nothing. It felt glorious.
I think it was about 90% as expected. The biggest surprise was how difficult breastfeeding was. I knew there could be supply issues, but didn’t consider all the other potential difficulties. Everything else is pretty much as I pictured it.
No absolutely not. I wish I knew that sometimes there is truly nothing you can do to get your baby to go with what you have chosen for them. She refused to breastfeed. We saw two lactation nurses and they literally diagnosed her with anger management issues. I thought she would get used to sleeping in the bassinet. We tried all the tips and tricks. She just wouldn't do it. My breaking point was when she screamed for six hours straight in the middle of the night. We put her in her crib in a separate room and she sleeps like the dead. Then she started rolling at two months. She refused to sleep on her back. She would just roll right back onto her tummy. She wouldn't contact nap either. I was told by older people to put rolled up towels next to her so she can't roll, which totally defeats the purpose of her sleeping on her back. I gave up and let her sleep on her tummy. No one ever told me that there was a possibility she just wouldn't adjust to daycare either. She's been there for 3 months and she spends basically the whole day screaming and refusing to sleep. The daycare teacher told me that they have completely given up on a schedule for her.
Yes, I have lots of friends and family that have kids and I witnessed it all first hand and asked lots of questions and had all of the tough conversations before making the decision
The never ending “mom mom mom mom mom”. It’s… non stop. From the kids to their docs, teachers, daycare, friends, friends parents, if they’re sick it’s mom that stays home, if they get sick at daycare it’s mom that gets called, if something happens with child care and they can’t go it’s mom that either finds another arrangement or stays home 99% of the time. My husband has stayed home once since starting the kids in day care 3.5 months ago. And they have been sick almost every week. Or kids there that were sick. Or once that the daycare lady ended up in the hospital. I stayed home from work every time. Or left work early. And/or arranged other care so I could actually work. My husband has sick time AND vacation time he could use. I have neither. But. It’s mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom.
There is no possible way to comprehend it. I truly have no idea what I did with my time before and I absolutely did not value my freedom in a meaningful way. I honestly do miss being child free in so many ways but I know that I’ll get the things/opportunities back that I miss most - and I’ll appreciate them deeply when I do. Luckily, missing those parts of my life and myself are (mostly) overshadowed by the contentment I feel - I am blown away by the magic of life and love. Grateful to get to experience this and have the opportunity to learn and grow through this unique kind of love. And grateful to get to guide this epic little soul. And also so fucking grateful to be out of the newborn period!!! 😂
No one told me about the post partum gas 😳🤣🤣Other than that I felt like it was as advertised. We were a very involved uncle and auntie though so I think that helped us prepare for the reality.
Sort of. I kind of feel like I was always a mother who just didn’t have her baby yet. Motherhood is very natural to me, so when I had a baby it was like everything fell into place. Granted I haven’t been a mom for long so maybe it’ll change, but I just feel like my whole world is complete now. I’m pleasantly surprised by how fulfilling it is, even though I always knew I wanted it.
I would say yes to an extent. But I was a parentified oldest sibling of 5. This is going to sound SO silly but honestly my biggest realization was the transportation situation. You are no longer allowed the freedom of a quick gas station trip. If you leave the house for anything but a drive through it’s a buckling/unbuckling situation MINIMUM TWICE. And I HATE buckling and unbuckling and everything about standing outside and doing car seat related tasks. (This was also a major factor in me doing this Evenflo shyft dual ride for second baby). I remember shortly after we came home from the hospital and fiance went back to work I just really wanted a breath of fresh air and fountain drink from the gas station. I got there and realized I needed to carry my wallet, the infant carrier (baby can’t be held on a hip easily with no neck control, can’t be put in a cart easily until they can sit up), AND my drink and snack. And keys. All on top of post partum grossness. And it was just so much freaking effort for a trip that would’ve taken 5 minutes pre baby I still find leaving the house to be a chore and we have a super easy kid and never dealt with travel systems or diaper bags, it’s just a lot. That doesn’t feel like it should be a lot.
I was really only unprepared for the newborn stages. I raised both of my siblings, so the relentlessness, the sleep deprivation, the constant needing something, all that shit was old news to me.
I was a little too aware before, due to helping raise my siblings. There was a large age gap between me and my sibs, so I knew way more than I should have. On the plus side, I knew ahead of time how to handle my daughter being gifted, how to change diapers, how to deal with solid foods, how to look after her and balance my time... We have our challenges, and I have stuff I am still learning, but the biggest things were the ones I learned how to handle, when my sibs were babies.
The toddler years have been testing my patience like nothing ever has. I didn’t think I’d ever snap or shout at my kid but no matter how hard I try I still have those moments. Like it’s bringing all these triggers that I never knew I had and I’m having to learn to work through them.
Nope lol I was such a fool
Yes, although I didn’t realize the love you have for your kid is endless…there’s no way to describe the love to someone who doesn’t have a kid.
Oh hell no. Like looking back I can understand now when friends would tell me certain things but there’s just no way for me to have fully understood them before having a kid myself. But some conversations I’ve had still stuck with me. In particular asking my own mom how she did/got through certain things and her answer being more or less “bc I had to. There’s not really another option” You could take that to be negative but instead I use it to psych myself up. Like yes this thing ahead of me is daunting but I need to do it so let’s just get it done” I think that is the ultimate mom superpower.
Oh definitely not. I didn’t have a clue. It genuinely is one of those things you have to experience to understand. Especially since the experience is so different for everyone. I knew it would be really hard and a big commitment and responsibility. I did not picture the hellscape that the newborn phase was though. Nor did I predict just how much having a child would put the nail in the coffin for my relationship with my husband. Nor did I have any idea that this little guy would be my favorite person in the whole world, and that his smile would make me feel fulfilled and happy in a way I had never felt before.
I thought I had read so much and learned so much I would have a fairly good concept of what it would be like. I had no idea. I think before I would see moments that seem so beautiful and cuddly and ideal. And now I realize all of that was actually the mother’s labour. Breastfeeding is labour, feeding kids = cooking and cleaning, family fun on weekends is work, vacations =work, napping babies= a whole lot work to get them to that state. It also far surpassed my expectations for how wonderful it is. I had no idea I could love them so much.
In some ways, yes. In other and many ways, no. A lot of surprises- like witching hour. No one talked to me about that one lol. So glad that phase is over.
I didn’t understand how bad the sleep deprivation would be. That triple feeding was a possibility and how brutal that is. That you had to wake them every 3 hours and their feed starts from the beginning of that 3 hour cycle. The anxiety I could have. How long cluster feeding could last. The weird feelings. Like randomly feeling sick to my stomach for no reason. The random sadness. The postpartum rage and the guilt that comes with postpartum rage. Feeling totally alone even when people are trying to help. I feel like there’s more probably but yeah there’s so much you just don’t know
Yeah sort of. I had taken care of my friends 14 month old who has autism for four months at one point. I didn’t know a lot about newborns but I remembered the toddler stuff.
I understood in concept, but it’s totally different having real life experience. I suppose this goes for many other things too. I essentially helped raise my sibling, so some of it, I knew, but of course, it’s very different when it’s your own child.
I understood, but I didn’t *know*
No, but so far our baby has fit in OK with our life. I work in agriculture so caring for plants and animals and never “arriving” or being finished, just constant cyclic tending and supervision is second nature. What I didn’t expect was how badly my tits would hurt shortly after she was born 😆
Yes, I had my LO at 39 so I’d seen friends and family and heard my sister vent. I’m very lucky to have family help nearby. If I didn’t everything would be much more difficult. When I need a break I can get 3-4 hours off. When I need an overnight babysitter or something urgent comes up I have support. I may not have had a kid if I didn’t have support. It’s simply relentless - the guilt especially gets to me, but I expected it.
I would agree with you, even though I felt like I had a pretty good understanding of of what I was getting into, nothing could have prepared me for the pure joy and love I had when I met my daughters, and what it would truly be like caring for them. The unparalleled love, the exhaustion, the sense of responsibility, nothing could have prepared me fully.
Edit: I was also not prepared for going through child birth (0/10 would not recommend) and then immediately having to parent. Like ma’am I haven’t slept in 2 days and now I have to feed a baby?? I had zeeerrrooo clue how much I was physically capable of loving, or how terrified I would be of losing my child. All logical brain went out the window the second my first was born and now I’m always fearing weird hypothetical scenarios
When you start a new job, you get to go home. When you work out, you get to rest and choose when to start again. When you socialize, you can stop when you've had enough. When you become a parent, that's it. No "going home", no break (obviously village steps in and you do get breaks if you're lucky) but truly no break from the mindfulness that there's a human being dependent on you for survival, and no stopping when you've had enough (unless you give them up for adoption).
I knew I didn’t know..so in that sense yes. I was a teacher and I knew how it felt to be responsible for those lives just during a school day…but I could usually turn that part of my brain off once I left. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to constantly have that on.
Absolutely no way. I thought I did and…ha!
💯
Absolutely not. You can study and know in theory what it entails. But to fully understand and feel it… it’s impossible unless you live it. As a positive: Before having my son, I was expecting and preparing for my life to be basically over. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought (except for the sleep deprivation that really kicked me hard in the nuts) and I realized my life wasn’t over. It was different, changed but certainly not over.
I was not prepared for the newborn stage. Like at all. I really thought it involved watching movies on the couch while we hung out with baby. Ha! We said our baby would be different from all the others… calm, not fussy. Ha! I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of love I feel for my baby. I stare at him in awe.
I did not know what to expect, I didn't have any illusions that I understood what I was getting into, I just knew I wanted to do it more than anything. My philosophy was kind of "Not ready, but as ready as I'll ever be."
There is NO words in the human vocabulary to explain parenthood.
No, not at all!! I figured, I’ve babysat before, have younger siblings, owned a cat… NOTHING could have prepared me. Pet parents seriously have zero idea how very different it is to have a pet and have a child. I also look back and think about how I could have been more supportive to friends/family when they had babies but I genuinely just had no clue what they were going through.
No
Not at all. I knew it would be an adjustment, I didn’t realize it would completely shift and change who I am as a person permanently. In the best way possible. I’m 100x more responsible, reliable, patient and caring than I was before I had my kids.
Its the best but most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I never thought I’d learn to be this patient before, I’m such an impatient person but not when it comes to my 7 month old. I never knew how much I could love someone until it came to him, I absolutely adore him and love seeing all of his firsts. He’s so good when I take him out on errands, hes like my mini bestie and makes my heart soar. But its hard. My husbands away on a business trip this week and wow…I have so much respect for single moms. Its exhausting and hard. I have a job interview tomorrow and need to take a million steps to bring my son to my parents house a few hours early just so I can prep and be totally clear-minded and focused going into this. I’d be lying if I said I didnt miss just rolling out of bed and doing the interview with no stress. The biggest one no one really tells you about is I miss having my body to myself. Obviously being pregnant I’m sharing my body with my baby, and so many foreign feelings and things are going on. And now I’m breastfeeding and my body looks so different I feel like I’m borrowing it from someone else.
I didn't really deliberately process it.
Definitely not, I don’t think there is any way to until you go through those transitions. Each age/stage is a new learning process
I was thinking about this today. Under no circumstances did I think it would be THIS hard. I also never knew I would he irritated 90% of the time i thought having a baby was cuddles and love. I mean, people told me it was hard, but I just thought you would occasionally have a lot to do? I didn't realise the sheer exhaustion, mental load, and the absolute over whelming sensation of doom anytime you went anywhere, and your kid starts teetering on a melt down.
Nope. No clue
Absolutely NOT. I was so delulu. Like you said I knew I‘d have huge responsibilty but I didnt expect how much I‘d leave my old life behind. It‘s like since I have a kid I see a world that I didn‘t know even existed lol. It‘s like you entered a new dimension and you can‘t get out. I also view parents in a completely new way. What I also found funny was the moment we became parents, all parents would give us that „aaaaand…how are you holding up“ look like they knew what we‘re going thru but never said a word about how hard it really is. haha….