1 - stop doing things for him and spending money on him. You are too tired to do that.
2 - take more time for yourself and use the money you are spending on him to pay for a sitter if he refuses to give you more time off.
3 - tell him that you're married to him, not his buddies from work. He needs to recognise that he is part of a relationship with you and that requires give and take between the two of you. Throwing this stupid line around is just his way of bullying you into submission but you don't actually know what his friends relationships look like and they don't know what your does so that shit is no longer gonna be a point of discussion because it's stupid.
4 - marriage counselling > trial separation > divorce w/ money to pay for child care in that order. The way things are now is unsustainable and shows a lack of respect or care of you. You are not a slave, you're an equal partner and if he can't figure that out then he can pay via child support at least.
Yeah, hit the nail on the head.
Just LEAVE his ass with the kids. I know it means compromised care, but the more you do it, the more he will either recognize or resent you.
I’m 5mo PP, and I’ve left my “busy doctor husband with 3000 hobbies” for an hour, then two, then three, as an EBF mama… he’s been a lot more hands on, and asking permission to leave when before he’d just leave.
Sounds like your third child needs a reality check because he has no idea.
Ok not to derail, but my husband is also like this and I have no idea how to leave him with the baby - when I do to fucking go get groceries, I come home and it's clear baby has been screaming the whole time I was gone and is exhausted from it. How did you deal with the "compromised care" part of it? I don't trust that my partner won't just let the baby scream without actually meeting baby's needs...🤷♀️
Girl exactly- the same shit here and my husband just tunes it out. That is what I mean exactly by compromised care.
I don’t think baby is in any danger, but always so happy to see momma, and honestly it’s okay to do this. I just know she is ok, safe.
For us, this is not the case anymore! Because I’m forced him to take baby SO much more that he can’t handle the crying anymore and finally has to do something about it. He reads her books and plays with her. I can’t believe it.
Aww I'm so glad it worked out for you! I'm also so paranoid that leaving baby so miserable with my husband is gonna screw him up so badly. Like I know he's probably safe physically, but emotionally, if he's just crying for hours, won't that mess him up? 😭
You don't need to be gone for hours, start with one hour. As long as baby is clean, fed, well rested, physically safe, it's okay if they're sad for an hour. That won't give anyone PTSD.
I understand! But if I don’t get a break once in awhile, I’m not safe for our baby
🤷🏼♀️ , so for us it’s definitely worth it. It’s only gotten better too- our LO is 5mo
This is called weaponized incompetence and or child neglect.
Get support, get therapy, make clear requests and if those can’t be met figure out an exit plan.
Literally. Plus why is she also contributing to bills. If he's making her be a stay at home mom, with no help, then all the money she has from working from home should go only to self care and savings.
>My husband comes home to cooked meals, I pack his lunch, I do all the clothes. I help financially. I do all the grocery shopping. I’ve made the house A home.
Oh my God, STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIM!! This enrages me. Why would he change when you do literally everything for him and he doesn't have to do *anything* except whatever the fuck he wants to do? Why did you clean up his cake mix mess? Is he physically incapable of cleaning? He sounds like a fucking child. Even worse, because my almost 2 year old son knows how to clean up after himself.
How do your talks go when you tell him he's spending too much time out of the house? Or when you ask him to take the kids with him one night? Or when you TELL him you're going out by yourself to do something for yourself? Therapy doesn't count
To answer your main question, you stop resending your husband when he acts like a fucking husband and not a shitty roommate.
I’m in the process of getting my ducks in a row to leave a man like this. We only have 1 kid but it’s been like this since birth. So much of my life has changed but he bitches, moans and complains about having to simply cut back a little on some of his hobbies. I shit you not this guy had a tantrum recently when I told him I didn’t want him golfing all weekend again because he had spent all the previous weekend golfing and this douche had the audacity to whine about being “controlled” and he “never gets to go do anything”. Yes, he really said that to someone (aka me) who has never left for more than an afternoon every few months, yet he has been on multiple golf trips, golf’s multiple days a month… but he “never” gets to go do anything.
His excuse is similar… “well so and so is at the golf course more than me and his wife doesn’t care” or “so and so told me he never helped his wife at night with their kid”. Like cool bro, glad you want to be compared to the lowest bar there is out there? I’ve decided my response to that after I get my shit in order is going to be “well cool, go find a wife that doesn’t care then and I’ll go find a husband that wants to be involved with his family more”.
If he’s willing to go to counseling, I’d suggest that since he also seems to be gaslighting you as the one who is “treating him bad”. For me, my husband isn’t interested in counseling and it’s been 2.5 years of this and I’ve just decided it will never change and I’m basically already single parenting anyway. I figure once we separate at least there will be weekends I get to myself cause the kid will have to be his responsibility at his own house.
I just want to stop and applaud you for a. Realizing this isn’t going to change and not giving into the “sunk cost fallacy.” You can’t make someone care the way they need to. I’m sure he doesn’t even realize how fucking awful he is. People that think they don’t need to chance AT ALL to be in a partnership with someone whose needs are just as important as theirs are the fucking worst.
And b. Your strength and ability to call it and put yourself first. Your kid will thank you for it. Not sure if you have a boy or a girl, but this is a particularly important message for both. To show men how to treat their partners and to show women what they’re worth.
All in all, just applauding you here. You’re badass.
FOR REAL! When I left my now ex-husband, I couldn’t wait for him to have to take our daughter on his own after work or on weekends so he could get a taste of how I had felt. I left because he was cheating so he would come home incredibly late from work (I’m talking HOURS later), and then his weekends/off days were filled with him just dodging his family responsibilities to go sand the deck or weed whack or organize tote bins in the basement or some other dumb shit. But people like him don’t ever change unless they want to, because my ex still has yet to EVER have to do things alone and it’s been 3.5 years since we split. I threw him out and divorced him and he stayed with his parents for about 2-3 months before they told him to get out, but he had help from his parents. Then he moved into an apartment but was having his little mistress stay there and play stepmom. Then he cheated on her, they broke up, and he immediately moved in with his current fiancée and she’s now stepmom to our daughter. I will say that the resentment didn’t end for a long time, due to me remaining single (and have been since the divorce) and truly doing it all on my own, but yet he’s been having this revolving door of women take over what *should have* been his responsibility to his daughter. Go figure!
My ex does that but with his parents. Has lived with them for 6 months with a full time job and no bills yet he has no savings. Threw a fit when I asked him to pay for half of camp this summer. That there's no way he can swing it and that's too much money to ask for. It's 240$ for a 3 week program they really want to do it. So me with a part time job and the kids full time can swing the whole amount and you can't swing half? When you dump the kids off on your parents the 10 hours a week you see them and they pay for everything? Its bullshit
I try so hard to not resent him and let go so he's not the reason I can feel my blood boiling but it's difficult and I'm angry that he couldn't care less. I'm working on finding peace with the situation sooner rather than later for my own sake I just wish it wasn't at the expense of my kids not having a dad who really cares and tries for them. And they're old enough now to see it and feel it and ask questions. All I can do is try and be enough for them
SHEESH the way I can empathize with that entire first part with my second daughter’s dad! Everything is “too much” $$$-wise (like daycare) and he’s either rescheduling when he’s supposed to visit or just not visiting his daughter at all. He makes slightly less than me, has next to no bills, and is whining over paying half for daycare when I’m paying nearly an additional $80 *per paycheck* to have our daughter on my insurance, I take care of our daughter alone 24/7, and I can swing my half for daycare despite having rent, a car payment, student loans, and other everyday bills. These husbands/men don’t realize how easy they have it, and some of them are truly just fucking losers
If it would not anger me so much I would find it hilarious, my husband said to me: "my friends think I do enough" when I was mad that he planed to play dnd with his friend 3 weekends in a row (for wich he asked me to cook for them and then leave the house because the baby is distracting the players), like yeah, your single, childless friends who live in nasty appartments they never clean (quote from my husband) think you do enough so clearly I must be wrong. ..
I am a man. But the approach I'd suggest here is to laugh at him and mock him, and question his manhood, dignity, and self respect for speaking this way to his wife and behaving this way at the expense of the well being of his family.
Keep spamming this same approach. Something will change, rather quickly I'd bet.
Good for you girl, the grass will be greener on the other side. When your husband becomes a child, when the shit outweighs the gravy, you gotta move forward.
Did you know right from birth that you were going to leave? And how long has or do you think it will take you to get your ducks in a row to leave? I'm on the fence right now with similar behaviour around my 4 month old and this is giving me hope
I just left my ex fiance and father of my baby about three weeks ago. It was the best decision I made. I was doing everything cleaning, cooking, making lunches. I couldn’t do anything right, while being called names. I told him to leave and it was over after trying multiple times. I have such relief. I feel much less stress, taking care of two kids instead of three. I don’t even think I want to get back with him at this point.
We teach people how we should be treated
Don’t be surprised if when you have those ducks all lined up and you tell him you’re done and gone he all of a sudden wants to go to counseling. He doesn’t really care about fixing things or changing, he just thinks giving in to the counseling will be enough to keep using you while giving minimal effort. Don’t be his free meal ticket. Stick to your guns. Tell him he had two and a half years chance to come around, and it’s too late.
I can’t wait for that first weekend he has his visitation and you get a breath of fresh air. Super proud of you. Please keep us updated cuz I’ll be watching for your post saying you left and how it went!!!🖤
Why would you stop resenting him when he hasn’t stopped behaving like an asshole? Why does he “help” you 2 hours a day to raise the kids he produced?
You need to figure out what’s acceptable to you and whether he can meet your standards in this relationship. If I came home to cake mix all over the floor I’d walk right back out that door and leave for 2 more hours.
Stop making his lunches and cleaning his clothes. When was the last time he did anything nice for you to help lighten your load?
Equal sleep time and equal down time. That’s the formula.
If mum does the overnights then she gets a sleep in. Most mornings if not every morning. We trade off long sleep ins on the weekend, but I’ve been known to get double sleep ins if it’s been a rough few days.
Equal down time. You both get X hours of hobby time per week. Undisturbed. Ideally out of the house. If dad wants to go play six hours of golf or soccer then you get the same. Hell, knock on your friends door and ask for Netflix and a nap! I’d have clean sheets on the spare bed in minutes if my mum friends asked for that! Then I’d take my own kid out so she could sleep.
My husband was like this. We’re now separated and my life is so much fucking easier without him in it. I don’t have to make decisions with him, my house is cleaner, I don’t have to deal with his stuff and I’m actually saving money because it’s not being constantly wasted on eating out and frivolous purchases.
The resentment never goes away. I’m still the default parent and have the majority of physical custody of our children. But, I no longer have to convince myself to appreciate the small crumbs of help he provides.
He does whine a lot about “all the childfree time” I get off because he has to show up one weekend a month. I fully expect him to stop doing even that much in a few months, but honestly, my life won’t change because I’m already doing it all anyways.
I recently read This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz, and reading about her ex husband is infuriating. But she does a good job of describing how much easier her life is now, as a single co-parent.
(Unsurprisingly, her ex remarried quickly, probably because they did 50/50 custody and needed someone to parent his kids for him.)
You’re doing way too much for him and he’s being a terrible husband and father. You work from home AND do all of the childcare AND all of the housework? It’s just too much!
Stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. Cook for yourself and the kids only. Make yourself a hair appointment and tell him he’s watching the kids. Honestly I don’t think any man who truly loved you would treat you like this. He’s treating you like dirt.
You aren’t crazy. You’re burned out and have a husband whose life didn’t change at all after having children (or maybe changed since your focus wasn’t solely on him). I mean packing lunches, all grocery shopping, up every night with the kids? Jesus Christ. All of that on top of breastfeeding? You’re doing so much and it’s very impressive but also very sad because it shouldn’t be only you doing all of these things. Your partner doesn’t sound like much of a partner at all………He sounds like an adult you take care of alongside your kids. That would make me resentful and honestly I would’ve divorced someone who didn’t help at all or take my concerns seriously. I mean what other alternative is there? Stay with a gaslighter who doesn’t care enough to listen or help out with his own children? It’s time to look at yourself and your life and ask yourself if you’re gonna put up with this the rest of your life or not.
FYI: my mom was this way. Did everything for everyone besides herself. Now we’re all 27+ years old and she STILL does laundry, dishes, dinner, grocery shopping, lawn care etc etc etc. While working a full time job. Your partner won’t change, you just decide what you’re gonna put up with.
The answer is you will never stop resenting him. Even when the kids are grown and it’s “easier” you will always remember that he didn’t care or consider you during the trenches of raising a family. You will always remember that he was selfish and made you the last priority.
He thinks and believes he helps a lot through the week so that I should be fine with him enjoying his hobby on weekend. He says it’s my fault I don’t get out and he offers to sleep with our youngest. Except I feel like I’m drowning all the time and even if he helps here and there the majority falls back to me. And he makes me feel wrong and guilty for having a negative emotion or reaction. Which is also extremely exhausting.
Explore the concept of gaslighting and red flags in relationships with your therapist. If he is truly saying and doing things that make you feel bad / guilty for having feelings this is potentially gaslighting / emotionally abusive / a huge red flag. (Also, emotional abuse IS within the umbrella of domestic abuse when done between partners)
He shouldn’t be playing soccer and he shouldn’t be sleeping through the night. He also shouldn’t be letting the kids do a bunch of bullshit that you have to clean up instead of actually parenting them when you’re gone.
Honestly he sounds like he’s worthless as a partner and a father so it’s no wonder you feel resentful. You’ll stop being resentful if he ever stops being a piece of shit.
Okay the soccer thing is weird. Fitness and sleep should be encouraged. Playing a game of soccer once a week is okay, and I don’t know of any intramural adult sports league where you can bring your kids, watch them while playing, let alone let them play. Having friends and hobbies separate from your family is healthy. There are two problems here:
1. The major problem: husband needs to contribute 50/50, clean up his messes, and not use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing work, like letting the kids play in cake mix.
2. If she is drowning, she needs to carve out time for self care. How are they running a weekend business and both working full time and raising 2 kids, and still breastfeeding? Something needs to give, and it’s sure as hell not sleep and fitness.
Deprioritize the weekend business. How old are the kids? Stop breastfeeding. Make him watch the kids more, make him take a few of the chores, like weekly laundry, stop packing his lunch and cooking, and make him clean up his messes. If he doesn’t, go to counseling or get a divorce. Unless the breakdown is full-time work vs SAHM with side hustle, in which case the breakdown should look different.
I have nothing against fitness and sleep, except that the OP isn’t getting those things so the husband doesn’t either. Full stop. First the childcare has to be divided evenly and *then* you see how much time is left over that can be divided EVENLY between both partners.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My husband also plays soccer (a lot, and softball too) and he STILL contributes to the household labor (cooking, cleaning, etc) while also working full time.
He also doesn’t complain about me at work, but if he did, his coworkers would give him flack for it.
Early on in our marriage, he wasn’t the best at cooking or cleaning, but I just had to step back and let him learn from his mistakes / clean up his own messes.
Your husband’s behavior isn’t normal or fair to you. You deserve a partner who appreciates and respects you and pulls their own weight in your household. I hope you find a solution that works for you soon ❤️
My husband contributes but even when he contributes it still feels like I’m having to ask and even that is exhausting to me. He doesn’t complain at work about me from what I gather; but he does ask other men their experience and reports back to me as if using leverage. Which basically makes me feel worse but he doesn’t understand how that would make me feel worse.
My husband cooks eggs and ramen, that’s it. Most days I cook and I even have to clean up after supper and pack his lunch. In all the years I’ve been with him I’ve rarely ever seen him pack his own lunch. He gets gas station food or vending machine.
Why do you let him treat you like that?
Why are you packing his lunch and doing his laundry?
Seriously, you are the one responsible for treating yourself like a servant. Stop waiting on him hand and foot. By doing everything, you're also robbing your husband of vital bonding time with his own kids. When they're little, caregiving is bonding.
Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple and tell him that things are changing. Since you also work, he has to do half the work at home and you will not be doing everything anymore.
Is it low self esteem? Consider therapy for yourself as well to figure out why you're burning yourself out, hurting your health, to pack another adult's lunch.
Your husband blows. When I was in the early postpartum days, I had a lot of struggles with mine – it was like his life was the same, but we had a baby now, and I was the manager of that, and my entire world was upside down. I felt so abandoned and it was so painful. He’s not a bad guy, which is why it confused me so much and hurt horribly. And was helpful. He do whatever I had to tell him to do, but there was just no instinct or initiative to figure it out for himself and it drove me insane. Luckily, he was insanely unaware of all of the background mental load that goes into being a mom, And we worked it out because he had the devotion and willingness to try and see it from my perspective and works every single day to make sure I feel supported and that he’s an actual parent and the real load – not just “helping“ me – was shared. After the initial for a few weeks, we found our groove and I honestly say we share this 50-50 and both put 100% in. That’s the key here. Willingness is the most important part, and if that isn’t there, then you’re just going to continue beating your head against a brick wall. You need a real break and a real partner. I know it’s hard and painful and not feasible immediately for some financially, but is separating an option? Like I said, if the willingness to figure it out with you isn’t there, and even if he may not understand how you see things, he needs to believe you and work from that belief with you.
Stop putting so much effort in. His packed lunch can be a sleeve of Ritz crackers, a string-cheese, and an apple. If you pack it at all.
See if you can stop financially contributing since you’re doing all the domestic chores & childrearing. If he wants a traditional marriage, then he pays for everything to support the family. Your money can be a babysitter fund so you can get a haircut ot whatever.
He tells me that he will cover the second job but that means he has even less time with kids and my kitchen turns into a bakery which still needs cleaned and I’m the picky cleaner not him.
I’ve been packing it and he is so lazy that he can’t even grab his packed lunch! But then I feel bad he’s eating all processed nasty vending machine food. I even set his lunch box out to show him I packed lunch and it goes unnoticed.
You're not wrong to ask...always remember your feelings are valid!!!
you've tried expressing your feelings...maybe try to just outright ask him to do some tasks?
A couple of examples: "hey can you watch the kids while I leave to go get my hair done?"
"Can you clean the rest of this cake mix up for me while I make lunch for the kids?"
"I'm feeling very burnt out and don't feel good. Could you watch the kids while I take a nap?"
Plan ahead: "on Tuesday I have a booked hair appointment I'll need you to watch the kids"
"Hey since you don't have plans on Thursday could you watch the kids while I get out and about?"
If that doesn't or hasn't worked, maybe couples therapy.
If he refuses you have a big choice to make. Are you willing to accept who he is and how he makes you feel?
Sending so much love and hugs your way. I know how hard things can get especially if you're breastfeeding and or pumping. ❤️
I totally agree with you on the recalibration with the couples counseling. I wouldn’t even “ask” but kindly inform of the plans and that he’s on childcare. He doesn’t likely think twice before hitting the soccer pitch right? Everything’s covered. It doesn’t have to be demanding but she certainly doesn’t need permission to get her needs met or ask a question making it optional. As for delegating tasks- it’s a good start but a slippery slope to being pigeon holed into “project manager” no? I would use it as a jumping off point to have a larger conversation of use your skill sets to take initiate and anticipate as I do— prob best to have that convo in the context of counseling. :)
Can i ask why did you want second then? Did he changed and he was helping a lot with the first one and suddenly stopped?
I seen so many of these posts and i am curious without any help why did you put yourself in a situation to have two kids to work on?
I understand some people wants a big family and i am not bad intentions asking this but genuinely curious as i seen millions of “my husband is not helping and i have x amount of kids” posts
I was handling managing pretty well with one child. Our second was such a surprise. We never seen it coming. Then with our second is when I really began to tank. I’ve been struggling ever since. I explain to my husband many times and nothing has changed. I started therapy hoping it helped and it has. He does try and pick up chores and he picks up food when I need help. But it doesn’t seem like enough. If it was I still wouldn’t be this burnt out.
Thank you for answering! Sounds like too much for one person can do. Im happy you are starting therapy for yourself but clearly thats not enough. Some man must think women are superheros otherwise that wouldn’t act that way!
Your kids are very lucky to have a mum like you and they will remember!
When people get married they start concerning themselves with what their partner needs. If that doesn’t happen I truly feel a marriage cannot be a happy one. 1. Gain some confidence, stop playing the martyr. Make yourself hair appointment and a brunch date and whatever else you want to do and put it on your shared calendar. If he refuses to watch the kids while you do those things then get a sitter so he can see for himself how inept he is behaving and what a waste of money his apathy towards your needs is costing him. Let it all come to a head if need be. Tell him you are open to therapy.
Not specific to your post but... What I've learned in this sub as a new dad: holy fuck the bar is low. How is it I see all these right wingers yelling about how we need more "traditional values" (patriarchy). I know it's just a small sample size but God damn if my front page isn't a post like this every day.
One thing I learned from my husband is that I should be more like him. Need a haircut, make the appointment and go. Leave the kids with him.
I go to my manicure, haircut, massage, dinner with friends. I think about what my husband will do in such situations, he would just go and I should be able to do the same.
It’s been working so far. Sometimes he will say “come back quickly” and I’ll say I don’t say that when he leaves so he cannot say that to me. So it stopped.
This is a great strategy. Thanks for sharing.
I’m going to start scheduling every week and or setting small goals and stop pushing off things. I’ve been in a very thick fog since having my kids and I’m slowly pulling myself out: atleast I hope so.
This dynamic is so beyond toxic. I hate to be that Redditor to diagnose a stranger online but it sounds like you have codependency issues and you are a people pleaser in an attempt to gain control over how you are treated. But it doesn’t work that way and you just end up attracting selfish narcissists (your husband). I was that person in a 10 year marriage with a narcissist. Always bending over backwards and full of resentment, feeling like a victim. You need to learn how to say no, how to set firm boundaries, how to prioritize yourself. When you learn this skill, you will be treated with more respect.
I agree but I have no idea how to change it. He’s a good person which confuses me all the more. He does try and put in work, he’s great with kids, I can see that he is trying and he’s patient with me for the most part. But I agree it’s toxic and needs to change. When I try to express myself I’m always wrong and it deeply mirrors my relationship with my mom.
At this point I’d rather just be alone. He left for a week and that week was the first time in a long time I was on top of things. Instead of trying to micromanage everything so I’m treated well.
My ex husband is great with kids too. We get along very well now and have shared custody. But he’s still a narcissist. When we used to fight, he would take me down this rabbit hole with verbal diarrhea and confuse me to the point where I had forgotten what we were even fighting about and was questioning my sanity. It was him all along. It was abuse. I left him when our son was 3. I left because I knew he would never change and that if I stayed, our son would be just like him and see me as a weak person, and that just wasn’t an option for me.
Now I am with a man who is so chill and kind and a true gentleman. He bends over backwards for me and would do anything for me and our daughter and my son. I feel really safe with him. With my ex, I always earned income and was very uncomfortable with the idea of relying on him financially. With my fiance, I am totally ok with it. Because I know he is a good man and he will always take care of me.
I hope you figure it out but you have to realize that he’s not gonna change much. I don’t really know if you can “train” a narcissist and change the dynamic in the house so that you are valued and respected, but it’s highly unlikely. The change has to come from you, not him.
Tell him what you need from him. My husband and I both take time for ourselves each day and the other one spends time with the kids. We plan it out and support eachother. We are both very athletic and maintain our hobbies. If he is playing soccer you should be able to do something as well and have time for the things you need.
He gives me a break but my break is a bath or he takes kids out while I’m left cleaning up after supper. I’m still going all evening and all night with both kids. It’s just never ending and he’s able to turn it on and off. He comes home from work and able to focus. I can barely get through a podcast without stopping it 15000 times. It’s just very exhausting.
Yours sounds very healthy and hopefully maybe we can get to we’re ours is more balanced as well.
Literally tell him to go live on the soccer field by his damn self. The way to stop resenting him is for him to start parenting and helping you around the house.
No more children, with this man child.
If the roles were reversed would you do this to him? Would you never let him have a break?
If you get sick, would he step up?
Honestly stop doing everything for a man who doesn’t prioritise you. He is taking advantage of your giving nature.
Stop asking for a break and start telling him.
Couples therapy if you’re really trying to salvage the relationship but tbh I have a hard time believing a man who acts like this would be receptive. I would consider leaving. Don’t show your children it’s okay to be treated this way in marriage by staying.
Your feelings are very valid!!! You should not be doing the brunt of everything and he is very selfish for not considering your needs or listening to your voice. I would put my foot down and demand time to yourself as well as help with meals and laundry or he can fend for himself. The guys at his job are equally unacceptable. Many many husbands share the house duties gladly without a second thought. If you weren’t around he’d have to do his own laundry and cook for himself!
Big thing is to not let him be the only one with alone time. Force him to take the kids for a set amount of time. Schedule this find and make it non-negotiable.
Do not be at his neck and call for those hours; he should be able to figure it out.
With saying his work friends "don't do as much as he does"-- it either means his work friends suck as dads as well, or he's lying because he's lazy.
You've had the conversation with him, now it's time to tally up how much time to himself he takes. If he is not working or is at home and not actively parenting or cleaning that is alone time. Commuting to or from work or extracurricular activities is alone time.
Now you take that same amount of time to yourself. If he allows the children to make a mess while you are out then he is responsible for cleaning it. Any dishes or food made by him while you're out are cleaned/put away by him. Any mess he makes at all is cleaned up by him. Do not do his laundry. Do not purchase anything for him. Do not cook for him. Do not have sex with him.
If he doesn't clean the mess, put it all on the bed. Or in the case of the cake mix clean up use his clean clothes to wipe it up and put them back where they go. Sleep in the kids' room-- you get up with them anyways.
And if this doesn't work to get him to understand then leave him.
You are carrying the mental load of so much more and are default parenting. Listen/ read the book Fair-play. It is a great tool to help communicate and deal with what you are going through so that both of you can have you time. Ask hubby to do the same. If he is unwilling to have the conversation I would reconsider your relationship.
You are NOT wrong for wanting your needs to be met and for not wanting to be a parent to him also.
Don’t let his comparisons to the other men in his life affect your validation in your feelings. If anything it just explains why he is the way he is, because he is also surrounded by man children who think that their partners asking them to be partners is complaining.
My advice is to get therapy together. Maybe if he hears how you feel from someone else he can understand. Things are not fair so it’s expected to be resentful. Your husband sounds like a selfish person. He got to keep who he was and just “babysits” sometimes. Doesn’t sound like a father or good partner. If he can’t change you need to leave. It’s not ok to be treated that way, and you don’t want to raise your kids thinking it’s ok for mom to be treated like that. Break the cycle. I’m so sorry OP.
My husband and I are going through trying to get a marriage counselor. We both have lots of trauma and communication struggles so we know we need to work on stuff. I know a lot of my frustrations come from us developing PPD and being first time parents who really had no idea what we were doing at first so I really want to not take out my self pain out on someone who is my best friend. It's scary because usually people seem to say marriage counseling is for people who are about to divorce which I guess in a sense... sort of?
I think it'll help if both of you know you want to work on everything. Sometimes there could be some underlying thing and men aren't usually told they can talk about it. I'm trying to support my husband to learn that because he's trying to raise our son differently than that but usually it unfortunately takes a professional.
It's not complicated but it's also not easy. First he needs to give you equal time and help. At that point you can stop accumulating new resentment and start to consider getting over the resentment that exists.
S7ep11 had some of the best lines ever! I was cracking up the whole episode! 🤣
When he fell at the cemetery and told natalie Just throw the dirt on top of me!
Girl. Stop waiting for permission to be a person and tell him what you are doing. Set yourself a hair appointment and let him know so that he can be the dad while you’re gone. Start assigning him responsibilities so you don’t have to do it all alone. And stop making his lunches and going out of your way to accommodate him. You take care of yourself and your kiddos. He can take care of himself at the absolute very least.
I would have told him to clean up the dry cake mix. You both should get an equal amount of free time. Every hour he’s out playing soccer you should get to go out or relax too. Stop cooking for him or packing his lunch or doing his laundry. He seems like he’s in too deep with the misogyny though so he might be a lost cause.
Was he like this after your first child? Why did you decide to have a second baby with him? He sounds like a crap husband and father, you definitely aren’t crazy. It’s probably not going to change either
A friend gave me a great recommendations when I was falling into a similar mess a while ago, "book a weekend away and go, leave him to it, a weekend is Ling enough for him to have to deal with the mess he makes."
My husband who'd been a 50s asshole until then haf grown a very new appreciation for what I did, when he had to wake up at night. When he had to clean up all the mess. When he had to worry about nap times.
We've kept up the mom-spa weekend once every 6 months since and it's one of the things keeping me sane. It also ensures he knows how to take care of his own kids.
I don't know if your finance allow a spa-weekend right now, but can you go stay with a friend ti rest for a day or two? Give him a notice and just go. I hope things get better for you, you so obviously need a break.
> How do you get over resenting your husband?
I don't have to get over resenting him, because my husband doesn't suck.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but your husband sounds like the kind of guy that does the bare minimum and wants a pat on the back for it.
You *don't* get over this. He either gets better, or you take steps to extricate yourself from him.
Put yourself first and I mean FORCE IT. If you don’t you’ll crash and burn HARD. The resentment is already there and it’s not gonna go away until a solid action takes place. You’re literally doing most of. Working too??? While cooking meals and clothes?? I’d lose my mind. I’m a stay at home mom and can barely cook some days cause I’m so exhausted. My body took a huge hit and I’m 5.5 postpartum.
Please please put your foot down. Listen to your body and mind. You are not wrong! If he doesn’t care or try to change YOURE ALREADY DOING IT ALL BY YOURSELF.
He’s practically another kid you’re taking care of. I promise dumping the mental load of expecting help from a bum like him… will be so much better. I’m so sorry sis. I’m sorry you even have to post something like this. I really do hope you get to a conclusion. A happy mom is what matters the most.
What part of ANY of that is your fault? Why are you not entitled to a few hours to yourself without returning to a giant mess and chaos? You are a woman, a wife and a woman... not a doormat.
You don’t “get over it.”
That’s not how these things work. “Getting over it” implies you do some more work in your head to make yourself okay again when your needs and health are being neglected, both by yourself and your husband.
The way to fix this is to:
1.) Learn about codependency (a great book is “Codependent No More”)
1.A) Work hard to break the codependent patterns you are currently engaging in (caretaking him, putting yourself 2nd, placating him, allowing him to used weaponized incompetence against you, etc)
2.) have your therapist role play with you / support you in making direct requests
3.) Figure out your needs and make those known.
4.) Figure out an exit plan if nothing changes.
Unfortunately, some people are just lazy. But you also allowed this behavior. Why do you cook for him if you feel this way? Tell him to do the cooking from now on. Did you ever sit down and talk about how you feel?
My husband plays a few hours of soccer every week too. It’s usually split into 2 different times - sometimes he has a 3rd time for another 1-2 hrs. Want to know why I’m fine w it? Bc he fucking pulls his weight as their father and this is just how he chooses to spend the fun time he wants each week!
Some of the things he does to pull his weight: let’s me sleep in (I mean “sleep in” till like 7 something bc our younger one likes early mornings), packs the kids snacks, on days I have to stay in the office later will pick up both kids, recently on a couple mornings I’ve been sick has dropped off both kids in the morning. He is capable of giving them baths, feeding them meals, and putting them to bed solo if needed.
Tell your husband that compared to mine he isn’t nearly pulling his own weight and you don’t even give him much shit for it. Bet he doesn’t like comparing relationships now!
But seriously, we try and make it so that we both have relaxation or fun time. Idk why your husband would think you don’t deserve that too.
This may not be politically correct but I found a nice loud "are you fucking retarded?!" to work wonders. That's how I got my husband to get with the program. It was either that or I would have told them to get out of the house. Because really, his brain has got to be on vacation if he thinks any of that is okay.
1 - stop doing things for him and spending money on him. You are too tired to do that. 2 - take more time for yourself and use the money you are spending on him to pay for a sitter if he refuses to give you more time off. 3 - tell him that you're married to him, not his buddies from work. He needs to recognise that he is part of a relationship with you and that requires give and take between the two of you. Throwing this stupid line around is just his way of bullying you into submission but you don't actually know what his friends relationships look like and they don't know what your does so that shit is no longer gonna be a point of discussion because it's stupid. 4 - marriage counselling > trial separation > divorce w/ money to pay for child care in that order. The way things are now is unsustainable and shows a lack of respect or care of you. You are not a slave, you're an equal partner and if he can't figure that out then he can pay via child support at least.
Yeah, hit the nail on the head. Just LEAVE his ass with the kids. I know it means compromised care, but the more you do it, the more he will either recognize or resent you. I’m 5mo PP, and I’ve left my “busy doctor husband with 3000 hobbies” for an hour, then two, then three, as an EBF mama… he’s been a lot more hands on, and asking permission to leave when before he’d just leave. Sounds like your third child needs a reality check because he has no idea.
Precisely this! So glad you managed to make your husband more aware of his role in your relationship.
Ok not to derail, but my husband is also like this and I have no idea how to leave him with the baby - when I do to fucking go get groceries, I come home and it's clear baby has been screaming the whole time I was gone and is exhausted from it. How did you deal with the "compromised care" part of it? I don't trust that my partner won't just let the baby scream without actually meeting baby's needs...🤷♀️
Girl exactly- the same shit here and my husband just tunes it out. That is what I mean exactly by compromised care. I don’t think baby is in any danger, but always so happy to see momma, and honestly it’s okay to do this. I just know she is ok, safe. For us, this is not the case anymore! Because I’m forced him to take baby SO much more that he can’t handle the crying anymore and finally has to do something about it. He reads her books and plays with her. I can’t believe it.
Aww I'm so glad it worked out for you! I'm also so paranoid that leaving baby so miserable with my husband is gonna screw him up so badly. Like I know he's probably safe physically, but emotionally, if he's just crying for hours, won't that mess him up? 😭
You don't need to be gone for hours, start with one hour. As long as baby is clean, fed, well rested, physically safe, it's okay if they're sad for an hour. That won't give anyone PTSD.
That sounds manageable, thank you!
I understand! But if I don’t get a break once in awhile, I’m not safe for our baby 🤷🏼♀️ , so for us it’s definitely worth it. It’s only gotten better too- our LO is 5mo
This is called weaponized incompetence and or child neglect. Get support, get therapy, make clear requests and if those can’t be met figure out an exit plan.
Sorry, where in your marriage does it say you need to clean up the cake mix?? Make him do it! Piece of garbage useless husband you have
Literally. Plus why is she also contributing to bills. If he's making her be a stay at home mom, with no help, then all the money she has from working from home should go only to self care and savings.
>My husband comes home to cooked meals, I pack his lunch, I do all the clothes. I help financially. I do all the grocery shopping. I’ve made the house A home. Oh my God, STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIM!! This enrages me. Why would he change when you do literally everything for him and he doesn't have to do *anything* except whatever the fuck he wants to do? Why did you clean up his cake mix mess? Is he physically incapable of cleaning? He sounds like a fucking child. Even worse, because my almost 2 year old son knows how to clean up after himself. How do your talks go when you tell him he's spending too much time out of the house? Or when you ask him to take the kids with him one night? Or when you TELL him you're going out by yourself to do something for yourself? Therapy doesn't count To answer your main question, you stop resending your husband when he acts like a fucking husband and not a shitty roommate.
I’m in the process of getting my ducks in a row to leave a man like this. We only have 1 kid but it’s been like this since birth. So much of my life has changed but he bitches, moans and complains about having to simply cut back a little on some of his hobbies. I shit you not this guy had a tantrum recently when I told him I didn’t want him golfing all weekend again because he had spent all the previous weekend golfing and this douche had the audacity to whine about being “controlled” and he “never gets to go do anything”. Yes, he really said that to someone (aka me) who has never left for more than an afternoon every few months, yet he has been on multiple golf trips, golf’s multiple days a month… but he “never” gets to go do anything. His excuse is similar… “well so and so is at the golf course more than me and his wife doesn’t care” or “so and so told me he never helped his wife at night with their kid”. Like cool bro, glad you want to be compared to the lowest bar there is out there? I’ve decided my response to that after I get my shit in order is going to be “well cool, go find a wife that doesn’t care then and I’ll go find a husband that wants to be involved with his family more”. If he’s willing to go to counseling, I’d suggest that since he also seems to be gaslighting you as the one who is “treating him bad”. For me, my husband isn’t interested in counseling and it’s been 2.5 years of this and I’ve just decided it will never change and I’m basically already single parenting anyway. I figure once we separate at least there will be weekends I get to myself cause the kid will have to be his responsibility at his own house.
I just want to stop and applaud you for a. Realizing this isn’t going to change and not giving into the “sunk cost fallacy.” You can’t make someone care the way they need to. I’m sure he doesn’t even realize how fucking awful he is. People that think they don’t need to chance AT ALL to be in a partnership with someone whose needs are just as important as theirs are the fucking worst. And b. Your strength and ability to call it and put yourself first. Your kid will thank you for it. Not sure if you have a boy or a girl, but this is a particularly important message for both. To show men how to treat their partners and to show women what they’re worth. All in all, just applauding you here. You’re badass.
Aaaaaaaand let’s see how he likes having to fucking parent alone while you get a weekend off for once. Sounds wonderful.
FOR REAL! When I left my now ex-husband, I couldn’t wait for him to have to take our daughter on his own after work or on weekends so he could get a taste of how I had felt. I left because he was cheating so he would come home incredibly late from work (I’m talking HOURS later), and then his weekends/off days were filled with him just dodging his family responsibilities to go sand the deck or weed whack or organize tote bins in the basement or some other dumb shit. But people like him don’t ever change unless they want to, because my ex still has yet to EVER have to do things alone and it’s been 3.5 years since we split. I threw him out and divorced him and he stayed with his parents for about 2-3 months before they told him to get out, but he had help from his parents. Then he moved into an apartment but was having his little mistress stay there and play stepmom. Then he cheated on her, they broke up, and he immediately moved in with his current fiancée and she’s now stepmom to our daughter. I will say that the resentment didn’t end for a long time, due to me remaining single (and have been since the divorce) and truly doing it all on my own, but yet he’s been having this revolving door of women take over what *should have* been his responsibility to his daughter. Go figure!
My ex does that but with his parents. Has lived with them for 6 months with a full time job and no bills yet he has no savings. Threw a fit when I asked him to pay for half of camp this summer. That there's no way he can swing it and that's too much money to ask for. It's 240$ for a 3 week program they really want to do it. So me with a part time job and the kids full time can swing the whole amount and you can't swing half? When you dump the kids off on your parents the 10 hours a week you see them and they pay for everything? Its bullshit I try so hard to not resent him and let go so he's not the reason I can feel my blood boiling but it's difficult and I'm angry that he couldn't care less. I'm working on finding peace with the situation sooner rather than later for my own sake I just wish it wasn't at the expense of my kids not having a dad who really cares and tries for them. And they're old enough now to see it and feel it and ask questions. All I can do is try and be enough for them
SHEESH the way I can empathize with that entire first part with my second daughter’s dad! Everything is “too much” $$$-wise (like daycare) and he’s either rescheduling when he’s supposed to visit or just not visiting his daughter at all. He makes slightly less than me, has next to no bills, and is whining over paying half for daycare when I’m paying nearly an additional $80 *per paycheck* to have our daughter on my insurance, I take care of our daughter alone 24/7, and I can swing my half for daycare despite having rent, a car payment, student loans, and other everyday bills. These husbands/men don’t realize how easy they have it, and some of them are truly just fucking losers
Yes! People who are willing to walk away from a long term relationship for themselves and their children are brave.
Smart, and brave!
If it would not anger me so much I would find it hilarious, my husband said to me: "my friends think I do enough" when I was mad that he planed to play dnd with his friend 3 weekends in a row (for wich he asked me to cook for them and then leave the house because the baby is distracting the players), like yeah, your single, childless friends who live in nasty appartments they never clean (quote from my husband) think you do enough so clearly I must be wrong. ..
😳
I am a man. But the approach I'd suggest here is to laugh at him and mock him, and question his manhood, dignity, and self respect for speaking this way to his wife and behaving this way at the expense of the well being of his family. Keep spamming this same approach. Something will change, rather quickly I'd bet.
Good for you girl, the grass will be greener on the other side. When your husband becomes a child, when the shit outweighs the gravy, you gotta move forward.
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Truly what kind of trash bag admits and brags about not helping his wife? Birds of a feather.
Did you know right from birth that you were going to leave? And how long has or do you think it will take you to get your ducks in a row to leave? I'm on the fence right now with similar behaviour around my 4 month old and this is giving me hope
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I just left my ex fiance and father of my baby about three weeks ago. It was the best decision I made. I was doing everything cleaning, cooking, making lunches. I couldn’t do anything right, while being called names. I told him to leave and it was over after trying multiple times. I have such relief. I feel much less stress, taking care of two kids instead of three. I don’t even think I want to get back with him at this point. We teach people how we should be treated
May your ducks line up as soon as possible. I got so mad reading this
Don’t be surprised if when you have those ducks all lined up and you tell him you’re done and gone he all of a sudden wants to go to counseling. He doesn’t really care about fixing things or changing, he just thinks giving in to the counseling will be enough to keep using you while giving minimal effort. Don’t be his free meal ticket. Stick to your guns. Tell him he had two and a half years chance to come around, and it’s too late. I can’t wait for that first weekend he has his visitation and you get a breath of fresh air. Super proud of you. Please keep us updated cuz I’ll be watching for your post saying you left and how it went!!!🖤
Why would you stop resenting him when he hasn’t stopped behaving like an asshole? Why does he “help” you 2 hours a day to raise the kids he produced? You need to figure out what’s acceptable to you and whether he can meet your standards in this relationship. If I came home to cake mix all over the floor I’d walk right back out that door and leave for 2 more hours. Stop making his lunches and cleaning his clothes. When was the last time he did anything nice for you to help lighten your load?
Equal sleep time and equal down time. That’s the formula. If mum does the overnights then she gets a sleep in. Most mornings if not every morning. We trade off long sleep ins on the weekend, but I’ve been known to get double sleep ins if it’s been a rough few days. Equal down time. You both get X hours of hobby time per week. Undisturbed. Ideally out of the house. If dad wants to go play six hours of golf or soccer then you get the same. Hell, knock on your friends door and ask for Netflix and a nap! I’d have clean sheets on the spare bed in minutes if my mum friends asked for that! Then I’d take my own kid out so she could sleep.
My husband was like this. We’re now separated and my life is so much fucking easier without him in it. I don’t have to make decisions with him, my house is cleaner, I don’t have to deal with his stuff and I’m actually saving money because it’s not being constantly wasted on eating out and frivolous purchases. The resentment never goes away. I’m still the default parent and have the majority of physical custody of our children. But, I no longer have to convince myself to appreciate the small crumbs of help he provides. He does whine a lot about “all the childfree time” I get off because he has to show up one weekend a month. I fully expect him to stop doing even that much in a few months, but honestly, my life won’t change because I’m already doing it all anyways.
I recently read This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz, and reading about her ex husband is infuriating. But she does a good job of describing how much easier her life is now, as a single co-parent. (Unsurprisingly, her ex remarried quickly, probably because they did 50/50 custody and needed someone to parent his kids for him.)
You’re doing way too much for him and he’s being a terrible husband and father. You work from home AND do all of the childcare AND all of the housework? It’s just too much! Stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. Cook for yourself and the kids only. Make yourself a hair appointment and tell him he’s watching the kids. Honestly I don’t think any man who truly loved you would treat you like this. He’s treating you like dirt.
You aren’t crazy. You’re burned out and have a husband whose life didn’t change at all after having children (or maybe changed since your focus wasn’t solely on him). I mean packing lunches, all grocery shopping, up every night with the kids? Jesus Christ. All of that on top of breastfeeding? You’re doing so much and it’s very impressive but also very sad because it shouldn’t be only you doing all of these things. Your partner doesn’t sound like much of a partner at all………He sounds like an adult you take care of alongside your kids. That would make me resentful and honestly I would’ve divorced someone who didn’t help at all or take my concerns seriously. I mean what other alternative is there? Stay with a gaslighter who doesn’t care enough to listen or help out with his own children? It’s time to look at yourself and your life and ask yourself if you’re gonna put up with this the rest of your life or not. FYI: my mom was this way. Did everything for everyone besides herself. Now we’re all 27+ years old and she STILL does laundry, dishes, dinner, grocery shopping, lawn care etc etc etc. While working a full time job. Your partner won’t change, you just decide what you’re gonna put up with.
Lawn care!! Oh hell no.
And everything related to the pool they have ☠️
The answer is you will never stop resenting him. Even when the kids are grown and it’s “easier” you will always remember that he didn’t care or consider you during the trenches of raising a family. You will always remember that he was selfish and made you the last priority.
He thinks and believes he helps a lot through the week so that I should be fine with him enjoying his hobby on weekend. He says it’s my fault I don’t get out and he offers to sleep with our youngest. Except I feel like I’m drowning all the time and even if he helps here and there the majority falls back to me. And he makes me feel wrong and guilty for having a negative emotion or reaction. Which is also extremely exhausting.
Explore the concept of gaslighting and red flags in relationships with your therapist. If he is truly saying and doing things that make you feel bad / guilty for having feelings this is potentially gaslighting / emotionally abusive / a huge red flag. (Also, emotional abuse IS within the umbrella of domestic abuse when done between partners)
He shouldn’t be playing soccer and he shouldn’t be sleeping through the night. He also shouldn’t be letting the kids do a bunch of bullshit that you have to clean up instead of actually parenting them when you’re gone. Honestly he sounds like he’s worthless as a partner and a father so it’s no wonder you feel resentful. You’ll stop being resentful if he ever stops being a piece of shit.
Okay the soccer thing is weird. Fitness and sleep should be encouraged. Playing a game of soccer once a week is okay, and I don’t know of any intramural adult sports league where you can bring your kids, watch them while playing, let alone let them play. Having friends and hobbies separate from your family is healthy. There are two problems here: 1. The major problem: husband needs to contribute 50/50, clean up his messes, and not use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing work, like letting the kids play in cake mix. 2. If she is drowning, she needs to carve out time for self care. How are they running a weekend business and both working full time and raising 2 kids, and still breastfeeding? Something needs to give, and it’s sure as hell not sleep and fitness. Deprioritize the weekend business. How old are the kids? Stop breastfeeding. Make him watch the kids more, make him take a few of the chores, like weekly laundry, stop packing his lunch and cooking, and make him clean up his messes. If he doesn’t, go to counseling or get a divorce. Unless the breakdown is full-time work vs SAHM with side hustle, in which case the breakdown should look different.
I have nothing against fitness and sleep, except that the OP isn’t getting those things so the husband doesn’t either. Full stop. First the childcare has to be divided evenly and *then* you see how much time is left over that can be divided EVENLY between both partners.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband also plays soccer (a lot, and softball too) and he STILL contributes to the household labor (cooking, cleaning, etc) while also working full time. He also doesn’t complain about me at work, but if he did, his coworkers would give him flack for it. Early on in our marriage, he wasn’t the best at cooking or cleaning, but I just had to step back and let him learn from his mistakes / clean up his own messes. Your husband’s behavior isn’t normal or fair to you. You deserve a partner who appreciates and respects you and pulls their own weight in your household. I hope you find a solution that works for you soon ❤️
My husband contributes but even when he contributes it still feels like I’m having to ask and even that is exhausting to me. He doesn’t complain at work about me from what I gather; but he does ask other men their experience and reports back to me as if using leverage. Which basically makes me feel worse but he doesn’t understand how that would make me feel worse. My husband cooks eggs and ramen, that’s it. Most days I cook and I even have to clean up after supper and pack his lunch. In all the years I’ve been with him I’ve rarely ever seen him pack his own lunch. He gets gas station food or vending machine.
Why do you let him treat you like that? Why are you packing his lunch and doing his laundry? Seriously, you are the one responsible for treating yourself like a servant. Stop waiting on him hand and foot. By doing everything, you're also robbing your husband of vital bonding time with his own kids. When they're little, caregiving is bonding. Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple and tell him that things are changing. Since you also work, he has to do half the work at home and you will not be doing everything anymore. Is it low self esteem? Consider therapy for yourself as well to figure out why you're burning yourself out, hurting your health, to pack another adult's lunch.
Your husband blows. When I was in the early postpartum days, I had a lot of struggles with mine – it was like his life was the same, but we had a baby now, and I was the manager of that, and my entire world was upside down. I felt so abandoned and it was so painful. He’s not a bad guy, which is why it confused me so much and hurt horribly. And was helpful. He do whatever I had to tell him to do, but there was just no instinct or initiative to figure it out for himself and it drove me insane. Luckily, he was insanely unaware of all of the background mental load that goes into being a mom, And we worked it out because he had the devotion and willingness to try and see it from my perspective and works every single day to make sure I feel supported and that he’s an actual parent and the real load – not just “helping“ me – was shared. After the initial for a few weeks, we found our groove and I honestly say we share this 50-50 and both put 100% in. That’s the key here. Willingness is the most important part, and if that isn’t there, then you’re just going to continue beating your head against a brick wall. You need a real break and a real partner. I know it’s hard and painful and not feasible immediately for some financially, but is separating an option? Like I said, if the willingness to figure it out with you isn’t there, and even if he may not understand how you see things, he needs to believe you and work from that belief with you.
Why would you stop resenting someone that’s basically made you a single mom?
Stop putting so much effort in. His packed lunch can be a sleeve of Ritz crackers, a string-cheese, and an apple. If you pack it at all. See if you can stop financially contributing since you’re doing all the domestic chores & childrearing. If he wants a traditional marriage, then he pays for everything to support the family. Your money can be a babysitter fund so you can get a haircut ot whatever.
He tells me that he will cover the second job but that means he has even less time with kids and my kitchen turns into a bakery which still needs cleaned and I’m the picky cleaner not him.
I’ve been packing it and he is so lazy that he can’t even grab his packed lunch! But then I feel bad he’s eating all processed nasty vending machine food. I even set his lunch box out to show him I packed lunch and it goes unnoticed.
Well, stop doing it then. He's eating vending machine food whether you pack him a lunch or not, so let him.
You're not wrong to ask...always remember your feelings are valid!!! you've tried expressing your feelings...maybe try to just outright ask him to do some tasks? A couple of examples: "hey can you watch the kids while I leave to go get my hair done?" "Can you clean the rest of this cake mix up for me while I make lunch for the kids?" "I'm feeling very burnt out and don't feel good. Could you watch the kids while I take a nap?" Plan ahead: "on Tuesday I have a booked hair appointment I'll need you to watch the kids" "Hey since you don't have plans on Thursday could you watch the kids while I get out and about?" If that doesn't or hasn't worked, maybe couples therapy. If he refuses you have a big choice to make. Are you willing to accept who he is and how he makes you feel? Sending so much love and hugs your way. I know how hard things can get especially if you're breastfeeding and or pumping. ❤️
I totally agree with you on the recalibration with the couples counseling. I wouldn’t even “ask” but kindly inform of the plans and that he’s on childcare. He doesn’t likely think twice before hitting the soccer pitch right? Everything’s covered. It doesn’t have to be demanding but she certainly doesn’t need permission to get her needs met or ask a question making it optional. As for delegating tasks- it’s a good start but a slippery slope to being pigeon holed into “project manager” no? I would use it as a jumping off point to have a larger conversation of use your skill sets to take initiate and anticipate as I do— prob best to have that convo in the context of counseling. :)
Can i ask why did you want second then? Did he changed and he was helping a lot with the first one and suddenly stopped? I seen so many of these posts and i am curious without any help why did you put yourself in a situation to have two kids to work on? I understand some people wants a big family and i am not bad intentions asking this but genuinely curious as i seen millions of “my husband is not helping and i have x amount of kids” posts
I was handling managing pretty well with one child. Our second was such a surprise. We never seen it coming. Then with our second is when I really began to tank. I’ve been struggling ever since. I explain to my husband many times and nothing has changed. I started therapy hoping it helped and it has. He does try and pick up chores and he picks up food when I need help. But it doesn’t seem like enough. If it was I still wouldn’t be this burnt out.
Thank you for answering! Sounds like too much for one person can do. Im happy you are starting therapy for yourself but clearly thats not enough. Some man must think women are superheros otherwise that wouldn’t act that way! Your kids are very lucky to have a mum like you and they will remember!
Therapy is not going to help you if your partner doesn't pull his weight. But maybe therapy will help you realize that you're better off without him.
When people get married they start concerning themselves with what their partner needs. If that doesn’t happen I truly feel a marriage cannot be a happy one. 1. Gain some confidence, stop playing the martyr. Make yourself hair appointment and a brunch date and whatever else you want to do and put it on your shared calendar. If he refuses to watch the kids while you do those things then get a sitter so he can see for himself how inept he is behaving and what a waste of money his apathy towards your needs is costing him. Let it all come to a head if need be. Tell him you are open to therapy.
Not specific to your post but... What I've learned in this sub as a new dad: holy fuck the bar is low. How is it I see all these right wingers yelling about how we need more "traditional values" (patriarchy). I know it's just a small sample size but God damn if my front page isn't a post like this every day.
I had to leave.
Your husband sounds awful. I’m sorry OP :(
I divorced mine! Hope that helps
You are being gaslit by your husband, and you do have the power to make changes for yourself. You can do it
One thing I learned from my husband is that I should be more like him. Need a haircut, make the appointment and go. Leave the kids with him. I go to my manicure, haircut, massage, dinner with friends. I think about what my husband will do in such situations, he would just go and I should be able to do the same. It’s been working so far. Sometimes he will say “come back quickly” and I’ll say I don’t say that when he leaves so he cannot say that to me. So it stopped.
This is a great strategy. Thanks for sharing. I’m going to start scheduling every week and or setting small goals and stop pushing off things. I’ve been in a very thick fog since having my kids and I’m slowly pulling myself out: atleast I hope so.
This dynamic is so beyond toxic. I hate to be that Redditor to diagnose a stranger online but it sounds like you have codependency issues and you are a people pleaser in an attempt to gain control over how you are treated. But it doesn’t work that way and you just end up attracting selfish narcissists (your husband). I was that person in a 10 year marriage with a narcissist. Always bending over backwards and full of resentment, feeling like a victim. You need to learn how to say no, how to set firm boundaries, how to prioritize yourself. When you learn this skill, you will be treated with more respect.
I agree but I have no idea how to change it. He’s a good person which confuses me all the more. He does try and put in work, he’s great with kids, I can see that he is trying and he’s patient with me for the most part. But I agree it’s toxic and needs to change. When I try to express myself I’m always wrong and it deeply mirrors my relationship with my mom. At this point I’d rather just be alone. He left for a week and that week was the first time in a long time I was on top of things. Instead of trying to micromanage everything so I’m treated well.
My ex husband is great with kids too. We get along very well now and have shared custody. But he’s still a narcissist. When we used to fight, he would take me down this rabbit hole with verbal diarrhea and confuse me to the point where I had forgotten what we were even fighting about and was questioning my sanity. It was him all along. It was abuse. I left him when our son was 3. I left because I knew he would never change and that if I stayed, our son would be just like him and see me as a weak person, and that just wasn’t an option for me. Now I am with a man who is so chill and kind and a true gentleman. He bends over backwards for me and would do anything for me and our daughter and my son. I feel really safe with him. With my ex, I always earned income and was very uncomfortable with the idea of relying on him financially. With my fiance, I am totally ok with it. Because I know he is a good man and he will always take care of me. I hope you figure it out but you have to realize that he’s not gonna change much. I don’t really know if you can “train” a narcissist and change the dynamic in the house so that you are valued and respected, but it’s highly unlikely. The change has to come from you, not him.
Tell him what you need from him. My husband and I both take time for ourselves each day and the other one spends time with the kids. We plan it out and support eachother. We are both very athletic and maintain our hobbies. If he is playing soccer you should be able to do something as well and have time for the things you need.
He gives me a break but my break is a bath or he takes kids out while I’m left cleaning up after supper. I’m still going all evening and all night with both kids. It’s just never ending and he’s able to turn it on and off. He comes home from work and able to focus. I can barely get through a podcast without stopping it 15000 times. It’s just very exhausting. Yours sounds very healthy and hopefully maybe we can get to we’re ours is more balanced as well.
Literally tell him to go live on the soccer field by his damn self. The way to stop resenting him is for him to start parenting and helping you around the house.
No more children, with this man child. If the roles were reversed would you do this to him? Would you never let him have a break? If you get sick, would he step up? Honestly stop doing everything for a man who doesn’t prioritise you. He is taking advantage of your giving nature. Stop asking for a break and start telling him.
Couples therapy if you’re really trying to salvage the relationship but tbh I have a hard time believing a man who acts like this would be receptive. I would consider leaving. Don’t show your children it’s okay to be treated this way in marriage by staying.
Your feelings are very valid!!! You should not be doing the brunt of everything and he is very selfish for not considering your needs or listening to your voice. I would put my foot down and demand time to yourself as well as help with meals and laundry or he can fend for himself. The guys at his job are equally unacceptable. Many many husbands share the house duties gladly without a second thought. If you weren’t around he’d have to do his own laundry and cook for himself!
Big thing is to not let him be the only one with alone time. Force him to take the kids for a set amount of time. Schedule this find and make it non-negotiable. Do not be at his neck and call for those hours; he should be able to figure it out. With saying his work friends "don't do as much as he does"-- it either means his work friends suck as dads as well, or he's lying because he's lazy.
Get a hobby and leave him with the kids for a few hours every few days. All is fair.
You've had the conversation with him, now it's time to tally up how much time to himself he takes. If he is not working or is at home and not actively parenting or cleaning that is alone time. Commuting to or from work or extracurricular activities is alone time. Now you take that same amount of time to yourself. If he allows the children to make a mess while you are out then he is responsible for cleaning it. Any dishes or food made by him while you're out are cleaned/put away by him. Any mess he makes at all is cleaned up by him. Do not do his laundry. Do not purchase anything for him. Do not cook for him. Do not have sex with him. If he doesn't clean the mess, put it all on the bed. Or in the case of the cake mix clean up use his clean clothes to wipe it up and put them back where they go. Sleep in the kids' room-- you get up with them anyways. And if this doesn't work to get him to understand then leave him.
You are carrying the mental load of so much more and are default parenting. Listen/ read the book Fair-play. It is a great tool to help communicate and deal with what you are going through so that both of you can have you time. Ask hubby to do the same. If he is unwilling to have the conversation I would reconsider your relationship. You are NOT wrong for wanting your needs to be met and for not wanting to be a parent to him also. Don’t let his comparisons to the other men in his life affect your validation in your feelings. If anything it just explains why he is the way he is, because he is also surrounded by man children who think that their partners asking them to be partners is complaining.
You are a married single mother.
My advice is to get therapy together. Maybe if he hears how you feel from someone else he can understand. Things are not fair so it’s expected to be resentful. Your husband sounds like a selfish person. He got to keep who he was and just “babysits” sometimes. Doesn’t sound like a father or good partner. If he can’t change you need to leave. It’s not ok to be treated that way, and you don’t want to raise your kids thinking it’s ok for mom to be treated like that. Break the cycle. I’m so sorry OP.
My husband and I are going through trying to get a marriage counselor. We both have lots of trauma and communication struggles so we know we need to work on stuff. I know a lot of my frustrations come from us developing PPD and being first time parents who really had no idea what we were doing at first so I really want to not take out my self pain out on someone who is my best friend. It's scary because usually people seem to say marriage counseling is for people who are about to divorce which I guess in a sense... sort of? I think it'll help if both of you know you want to work on everything. Sometimes there could be some underlying thing and men aren't usually told they can talk about it. I'm trying to support my husband to learn that because he's trying to raise our son differently than that but usually it unfortunately takes a professional.
It's not complicated but it's also not easy. First he needs to give you equal time and help. At that point you can stop accumulating new resentment and start to consider getting over the resentment that exists.
You need to make it a priority to schedule yourself breaks and leave him with the parenting responsibilities.
S7ep11 had some of the best lines ever! I was cracking up the whole episode! 🤣 When he fell at the cemetery and told natalie Just throw the dirt on top of me!
Girl. Stop waiting for permission to be a person and tell him what you are doing. Set yourself a hair appointment and let him know so that he can be the dad while you’re gone. Start assigning him responsibilities so you don’t have to do it all alone. And stop making his lunches and going out of your way to accommodate him. You take care of yourself and your kiddos. He can take care of himself at the absolute very least.
The red flag is ‘the other husbands don’t do as much’…go f yourself
I would have told him to clean up the dry cake mix. You both should get an equal amount of free time. Every hour he’s out playing soccer you should get to go out or relax too. Stop cooking for him or packing his lunch or doing his laundry. He seems like he’s in too deep with the misogyny though so he might be a lost cause.
Was he like this after your first child? Why did you decide to have a second baby with him? He sounds like a crap husband and father, you definitely aren’t crazy. It’s probably not going to change either
A friend gave me a great recommendations when I was falling into a similar mess a while ago, "book a weekend away and go, leave him to it, a weekend is Ling enough for him to have to deal with the mess he makes." My husband who'd been a 50s asshole until then haf grown a very new appreciation for what I did, when he had to wake up at night. When he had to clean up all the mess. When he had to worry about nap times. We've kept up the mom-spa weekend once every 6 months since and it's one of the things keeping me sane. It also ensures he knows how to take care of his own kids. I don't know if your finance allow a spa-weekend right now, but can you go stay with a friend ti rest for a day or two? Give him a notice and just go. I hope things get better for you, you so obviously need a break.
> How do you get over resenting your husband? I don't have to get over resenting him, because my husband doesn't suck. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but your husband sounds like the kind of guy that does the bare minimum and wants a pat on the back for it. You *don't* get over this. He either gets better, or you take steps to extricate yourself from him.
Put yourself first and I mean FORCE IT. If you don’t you’ll crash and burn HARD. The resentment is already there and it’s not gonna go away until a solid action takes place. You’re literally doing most of. Working too??? While cooking meals and clothes?? I’d lose my mind. I’m a stay at home mom and can barely cook some days cause I’m so exhausted. My body took a huge hit and I’m 5.5 postpartum. Please please put your foot down. Listen to your body and mind. You are not wrong! If he doesn’t care or try to change YOURE ALREADY DOING IT ALL BY YOURSELF. He’s practically another kid you’re taking care of. I promise dumping the mental load of expecting help from a bum like him… will be so much better. I’m so sorry sis. I’m sorry you even have to post something like this. I really do hope you get to a conclusion. A happy mom is what matters the most.
Why on God's green earth do you put up with it?
He does help and is a great dad. We are just having communication issues that we are trying to work on and I’m partially to blame as well.
What part of ANY of that is your fault? Why are you not entitled to a few hours to yourself without returning to a giant mess and chaos? You are a woman, a wife and a woman... not a doormat.
You don’t “get over it.” That’s not how these things work. “Getting over it” implies you do some more work in your head to make yourself okay again when your needs and health are being neglected, both by yourself and your husband. The way to fix this is to: 1.) Learn about codependency (a great book is “Codependent No More”) 1.A) Work hard to break the codependent patterns you are currently engaging in (caretaking him, putting yourself 2nd, placating him, allowing him to used weaponized incompetence against you, etc) 2.) have your therapist role play with you / support you in making direct requests 3.) Figure out your needs and make those known. 4.) Figure out an exit plan if nothing changes.
Question to ponder or explore in therapy: What are you getting out of this connection / relationship at this time?
Unfortunately, some people are just lazy. But you also allowed this behavior. Why do you cook for him if you feel this way? Tell him to do the cooking from now on. Did you ever sit down and talk about how you feel?
OP literally said what happens when she tells him how she feels?
My husband plays a few hours of soccer every week too. It’s usually split into 2 different times - sometimes he has a 3rd time for another 1-2 hrs. Want to know why I’m fine w it? Bc he fucking pulls his weight as their father and this is just how he chooses to spend the fun time he wants each week! Some of the things he does to pull his weight: let’s me sleep in (I mean “sleep in” till like 7 something bc our younger one likes early mornings), packs the kids snacks, on days I have to stay in the office later will pick up both kids, recently on a couple mornings I’ve been sick has dropped off both kids in the morning. He is capable of giving them baths, feeding them meals, and putting them to bed solo if needed. Tell your husband that compared to mine he isn’t nearly pulling his own weight and you don’t even give him much shit for it. Bet he doesn’t like comparing relationships now! But seriously, we try and make it so that we both have relaxation or fun time. Idk why your husband would think you don’t deserve that too.
Couples therapy if you feel this way.
This may not be politically correct but I found a nice loud "are you fucking retarded?!" to work wonders. That's how I got my husband to get with the program. It was either that or I would have told them to get out of the house. Because really, his brain has got to be on vacation if he thinks any of that is okay.