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When I was hospitalized for mania I was 17 and on an antidepressant because my psychiatrist was really, really bad.
I drove my friend home from school, and remember telling them, “I’m just so, so fucking happy” then went and tried to off myself. It made sense in my head-my moods were so unstable, and I was finally so happy, and I wanted to die happy, right? I luckily had an appointment with my therapist at that exact time and she called my mom and had her take me to the hospital where I was for 17 days and got diagnosed bipolar.
I experience a lot more psychotic symptoms now but I was lucky at the time it was pretty cut and dry
I love the “I’m so so fucking happy!” And then going to die because I understand that feeling of wanting to go out on a high or almost what you could call “with a bang”. Did you know you were bipolar or experiencing Mania prior to that admission and diagnosis?
I really didn’t. I had done a school project on bipolar a couple years prior and thought “uh oh” but I was like 14 and just starting to get symptoms but filed it in the “we’ll deal with that later” bin. This was also 2014 when I was diagnosed, and while mental health was more talked about than years prior, I was still the only bipolar kid in my 2,500 kid high school. I had always known I didn’t relate to my other friends who had depression though. But absolutely no one expected a 17 year old to get diagnosed, seemingly out of nowhere, especially the quiet athlete taking IB classes. My poor parents.
If people had been more open about what mania and psychosis were like I absolutely would have been able to know. Maybe it’s just where I grew up but it was kind of a different time. No tik tok to diagnosis you yet either lol.
I had the very strong belief that the universe was unbalanced - there was too much badness (wars, poverty, depression) and not enough good. I thought that if I transcended to another plane of existence I would be able to rebalance the universe and save everyone. To do this I came to the realisation that I needed to sever the ties with my physical body to make it easier to transcend, so I stopped eating and drinking because I didn’t think that I needed to. I was also talking about trying to electrocute myself because I thought that would help jump my brain into this transcended state.
Needless to say this all got me hospitalised fairly quickly. The hospitalisation wasn’t really great. They increased one of my antipsychotics but largely left me to it. I don’t think half the nurses even knew I wasn’t drinking. The only person who really helped was the psychiatrist who was able to help reason with me a little bit, and did it in such a way that I didn’t feel threatened as he didn’t directly challenge my delusion. He just helped minimise the risk a bit.
For reference I’m in the UK and it’s really quite difficult to get hospitalised here, so I think that you’d be far more likely to be hospitalised for mania than depression here. Even if you attempt suicide you often don’t get hospitalised.
That’s actually a super interesting delusion and one that I’ve never Heard before! It’s shitty that the hospital MH system is so underdeveloped, but I’m glad you could find one person that helped. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you end up in hospital? Like did someone take you or did you kinda just find your way into the ER/ED
My family were really concerned about me so they encouraged me to call the local emergency mental health line, who was able to refer me to a duty nurse who assessed me on the phone. They then said I was having a ‘serious breakdown of my mental health’ and got me in for an appointment first thing the next day to be assessed properly, and they decided to admit me pretty much straight away.
There’s quite a few routes to this sort of thing in the UK though so my experience isn’t necessarily representative.
Full disclosure, i don't know how long i was actually manic, but i had given up on sleep for weeks/months? I would set an alarm to go to bed an hour before my wife woke up so she didn't notice. Point being, my memory of the situation was hazy at best.
I got hospitalized the first time voluntarily, I believed i could communicate non verbally, destroyed my house in order to fix it the right way, told the cops i could take them if i wanted but i didn't wan't to, I was having spiritual experiences, the radio was answering my questions (quite literally, it was freaky. I would wonder about something and within minutes the radio would announce they would be talking about whatever it was i had on my mind.). I seen my deceased cat and heard my miscarried baby tell me i've been through enough pain. when i got to the hospital I convinced a bunch of Dr's i was on the autism spectrum and left 3 days later with a Rx for valium. It did not help, so my mother convinced me to come stay with them for a little while. while there I eventually decided i wanted a Rx for oxygen so my mother (who is a nurse) drove me to the hospital and let me believe i was getting an oxygen prescription, we just had to go to the city to get it. So i got in the ambulance agreeably and when i got to the involuntary psych ward and the doors locked behind me, i guess i snapped. I don't remember what happened directly after that, but i had been given a lot of ativan in the ambulance too to keep me calm. Apparently i called the Dr a purple pumpkin eater bitch (she had purple on i guess?), and the over paid leader of a concentration camp (she was German). She said afterwards that they were some of the more creative insults she's received lol.
the next few days i refused any new meds, organized a group of people to basically overthrow the place, and started cutting the seals out of the plexiglass windows so i could jump out of a 3rd story building to escape. Eventually my wife tricked me into taking the meds by saying if they're the wrong ones, just take them and they will realize and get you the right ones. They were in fact the right meds and brought me out of my psychosis/mania.
The actualy facility was horrendous. Everyone smoking, it was so bad I would wake up with nose bleeds (once i was able to sleep anyways). it got so bad i warned my Dr that I knew who was supplying the cigarettes and if they can't deal with the problem then I will. And i was ready to either break his hands or legs or probably worse... They cracked down and it helped a little, but my god was it bad as a non-smoker.
I spent 13 days in that facility. When they snapped me out of psychosis i agreed to do whatever the fuck it took to get out of there ASAP. And frankly if you tried to bring me back there now I'd probably fight you. All in all 1/10 only because they actually treated my mania/psychosis but i wouldn't recommend it. I nearly got into several fights with people and security guards and radicalized a few people who still never took the meds by the time I left. But no one got hurt and i got the help i needed and they're building a new facility now!
I'm an open book when it comes to my Bipolar, much of it was cenetered around work (which i still have the same job), so basically every person i know is aware of my diagnosis, so no point trying to keep it personal at this point. Any specific questions, ask away.
thats actually such a terrifying thing to go through and i’m so sorry you had to endure that. some hospitals can be really shitty, but THE SMOKING? i mean i knew a few people who snuck vapes and blades in but never cigarettes. bet the whole place reeked. i do have a question tho, how old were you when you got diagnosed? and how did they go about it? i’m just curious because i have diagnosed BPD and both me and my case manager and my psychologist are pretty sure i have comorbid bipolar disorder with it as well. i’m 14 and i dont know if they can diagnose that young but i think i need the diagnosis for the correct meds because the meds in on right now (zoloft, seraquil) are driving me insane. i’ve requested a med review a billion times and they just won’t listen and it’s super frustrating because although i’m so young sometimes it feels like my mental illnesses have caused me to mature MUCH faster than others, and now it feels like i’m a lot older than i am but i’m trapped in a child’s body and no one will take me seriously
My psych ward had a room where you were allowed to smoke. It was like completely yellow. And let me tell you it did NOT keep that smell inside. My room was obviously next to it..
diagnosed at 30, turned 36 last month. I had smoked weed my whole life (from age 13) to deal with stressors/everything , having a baby, trying to quit smoking, and lots of adderall/Dexedrine (prescribed for ADHD) combined into a perfect storm. If i came out of the psychosis after stopping the amphetamines i may have had a different diagnosis, but i didnt even after a week or two. so type 1 bipolar.
I was insanely manic, they knew i was bipolar from the begining but needed to see me respond to treatment to be sure afaik. at least thats what they told my wife.
Yes mental illness/struggles in general will age a person significantly.
My neighbors called 911 when they saw me trying to jump off my balcony (naked). They took me in for a 72 hour hold because I was at risk of harming myself. The meds kept me asleep for those 3 days. After the 72 hours, I willingly admitted myself for treatment.
The delusion I remember is that I was summoning the lightning and thunder on command. I could see it and hear it. I also remember an idea that I had found a mathematical formula for a universal language. When I got back home, I saw that I had been emailing gibberish to my doctors and therapist for 2 weeks. I had torn down all my curtains. My dishes were shattered and I had been eating off of the living room floor.
Otherwise, I only remember the Paramedics carrying me out of my apartment and then later waking up in the hospital. The hospital staff was pretty good. The actual psychiatrist was ok. It was the other patients that bothered me the most.
Oh, and insurance companies do not pay for "just in case" hospitalizations for mania. My psychiatrist tells me to take higher doses of my meds for a few days. I end up sleeping a lot and that works for me.
I think if my neighbours saw me trying to jump off a balcony naked i would slide out of my skin and evaporate. and people say that “mania sounds so fun” like no. it’s not. when you say they took you for a 72 hour hold, you mean they sectioned you? and when you say they took you did they like cuff you and escort you to the ambulance or were you lucid enough to do it yourself
Yep, it was mortifying because I didn't know who called. It was daytime, so who else saw me? A judge signed off, and it's on my record. No cuffs, just wrapped up tight in a blanket. They carried me out and down the stairs. My sister has had similar experiences, but she gets violent. So she gets cuffed and taken to the county jail where they have a psych ward.
During my 2nd Army enlistment in 2005, I remember being at a really high level of happiness and then suddenly hit with the worst depression. My CO was always talking about mental health and the benefits of being able to speak to a therapist, so I said why not maybe it will be good to off load whats bothering me (I really didn't know what was bothering me) onto a stranger. I went in, spoke with them and ended up in a private care facility for 3 or 4 weeks (I don't remember exactly). I wasn't erratic, I just answered the questions honestly, if I remember I was asked about suicidal thought's and I said not recently. I think I also broke down crying about my daughter for no reason. The first week at the facility I was arrogant - blah blah, this is a mistake, I'm not like these other folks (mostly civilians with a wide range of issues). After a week, and doing the meetings I came to see the benefit and the psychiatrist was able to put a lot of the actions in my life into perspective. It was as if someone turned the light on. The experience was good and I consider myself pretty lucky getting to go to such a place. Once I left the facility though and returned to my unit I was rapidly discharged though, which broke my heart at the time.
i’m so sorry you got discharged, my hearts breaking for you! i’m glad you had a good experience in hospital and the mental health system because sometimes it can be pretty fucking rough. your story is super interesting, thanks for sharing! also, thank you for your service.
I thought distant relatives were stalking me to steal my notebooks. I thought they were trying to "hide the truth" that I was writing compulsively due to mania and would make them go to jail if it was released.
The page of one of the notebooks was ripped off, and TW SH >!I was so distressed that I cut myself!< and I sent audios to my best friend acussing her of being part of the conspiration bc she has the keys to my house.
She was the one that called the emergency services, she tricked me >!saying it was only to get the stitches!<, and behind my back she told the doctors about my manic state.
I was unwillingly admitted due to risk of my life.
The hospital stay was ok. I was tied only in the ER and freed as soon as I got locked into the mental health unit. I was the bad one, my behaviour was embarrasing. I don't want to get into details bc I'm ashamed of myself. Still the nurses were nice to me the best they could. They even let me go outside with my friend once a day. It's my 2nd more respectful experience being admitted.
I've never had hallucinations.
I checked myself in to a psych ward at age 22 when I had my first manic episode. I’m about to turn 32.
At first, I felt on top of the world and full of brilliant ideas. Everything seemed more exciting, and colors even seemed visually brighter. I was writing a lot and sleeping less. I picked up a new hobby (spoken word… cringe…) where I was performing and reliving some of my darkest traumas on stage. I ran away from home, ghosted my therapist, unceremoniously quit my job an hour before I was scheduled to work, maxed out a credit card, etc. etc… all the while continuing to perform poetry pieces to audiences. I was unintentionally retraumatizing myself by repeatedly writing and performing pieces about some of the heavy shit I had been through.
This was around the time I started believing I was receiving special messages in songs I listened to and also started seeing my lucky number everywhere, which lead me to believe that was a message as well.
I met someone, became infatuated with them, had unprotected sex with them quickly after meeting them without discussing our sexual histories or STI statuses (something I would never do while of sound mind), and showed up at their house and job unannounced twice… I am very ashamed that I did any / all of that. Extremely uncharacteristic of me. I have since taken accountability and apologized. Needless to say, we didn’t stay in touch.
Eventually I went even more wacko and the trauma from my teens that I had been fixating on bled into real life — I started believing every man wanted to r*pe me and that my abusive ex was stalking me. Thankfully, this frightened me so much that I reached out to the therapist. She had an emergency appointment with me that same day where I told her that I needed to go somewhere safe and get help from these symptoms. I had already been in psych wards previously while deeply depressed, so I knew what to expect.
I went home that night after weeks of living out of my sedan. Before I went to the psych ward, I thought it was of the utmost importance to record a video of myself in my current state. For… documentation purposes? I don’t know. I rambled on and on and on. I have no clue what I even talked about. I sat in front of my laptop’s webcam for at least a solid 45 minutes. For some reason I asked my mom to sit on one side of me and my dad to sit on the other. I haven’t watched the video even once. I am too scared of seeing myself like that. My dad has since passed away, though, so I fear I might end up wanting to watch it at some point in order to see the footage of him.
I voluntarily checked in to a psych ward the next day and they dosed me with extremely hefty antipsychotics. I do not remember much from my time there. I know I slept a LOT. My mom said she visited me and I was slurring my words and incoherent. I don’t remember her visiting. After ~1 week, I was stable, off the heavier meds, and able to be discharged.
It was not a fun time. I will say that I’m grateful for the experience because: 1. This is how I obtained my correct diagnosis and 2. My complete and utter lack of stage fright while doing spoken word in that unhinged state of mind helped me realize that performing can be a healthy outlet when used in a healthier context. I have fronted two bands since then, and am working on a third. I’ve been told I have tremendous stage presence.
Thank you! Yeah, it was pretty bananas. My depressive episodes also feature psychosis, so those have not been great either, but I put myself in much more danger and my symptoms were much more destructive to my relationships while manic. When I’m depressed, my delusions tend to just center around perceived flaws etc. etc.
This is so eerily similar to what I went through. I’m recently diagnosed and have gone through two manic episodes already. It’s so hard to explain to those around you what it feels like. I’m in the depressive episode after the fact now. It sucks. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been discharged from the hospital.
Aw man, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It *does* get better once you figure out the right treatments for your episodes. Everyone is a little different, but for me, an atypical antipsychotic slaps me out of mania quickly. My depressive episodes are harder to wriggle free from and I’ve benefited from long-term treatment centers, TMS, and ECT (it’s not as scary as it sounds). I’ve also had GeneSight genetic testing done so I was able to find meds that I metabolize well. That has been a game changer.
The depressive dip after the technicolor drama of mania is really rough. Things will level out. Just practice as much self care as possible and try to forgive yourself for anything weird you did while manic.
If you have any specific questions I’m happy to answer them.
I had a job at a bank and moved to a branch in a very conservative area. I was on tiktok only watching horrendous news about school shootings and other awful crap. I got so paranoid at work that I thought every male customer was sexually harassing me or generally targeting me. I was afraid they would follow me home. I got paranoid that my coworkers hated me and were out to get me. I had a breakdown and emailed my boss and quit. I then thought I could make money selling clothes, so I put in a bunch of effort at essentially 40 hours a week photographing, styling, and modeling clothes and posting it on FB and dpop. Which feels so embarrassing looking back at it and I've since deleted all those posts that everyone saw! I then started designing stickers that were meant to raise money for women's and children's rights and wanted to sell them outside our planned parenthood. I thought I could save everyone this way. I also put a lot of money into that. I then started doing door dash and instacart until we ran out of money to have our kids in daycare and I started to fear driving. I thought I could become a freelance writer and I started staying up to write a romance novel. I also started smoking weed a lot. I diagnosed myself with a bunch of chronic illnesses and tried to get on disability. I dissociated a ton. I couldn't take care of my kids home with me full time. I started hearing a comforting woman talking to me in my head trying to tell me that everything was ok. I started to believe that if I drove my kids anywhere, that I would drive us off the side of the road and kill us all, completely out of my control. I hated our lives in our town so much and was so paranoid that everyone had a gun with them and would shoot me or my kids at any moment, so I then made plans for our family to move to "the safest city in the world" in the middle of Mexico. I tried hard to convince my husband that we needed to move immediately because our family was so unsafe.
I started looking into psychosis and taking online tests for it and mania and was aware enough that I wasn't fit to take care of my kids the way I was. I knew what was happening but I was trapped. Then one night, I couldn't sleep at all and then the next morning I took my kids to my mom's house and told my husband I was going to stay there for a few days. My mom and aunt convinced me to call someone and they told me to go to the hospital. My mom took me there a few hours later, and after a night in hell of waiting for them to transfer me, not getting any care, no TV, no personal items, no clock in my room, and a patient screaming down the hall, I finally got transferred sometime after breakfast. I got strapped into a gurney, put in the back of an ambulance, and driven an hour back to the hospital by my house. The first thing I did after I got checked in was ask for ice cream, lol. Once I was there, I got treated so well, got the meds I needed, talked to others and shared stories, and was discharged after 7 days. They changed my diagnosis from BP 2 to BP 1. It took time for me to get back to neutral, but it's my year anniversary now and I feel better than I've ever felt in my life (in a good stable way).
This definitely wasn't my first time being manic, but it was the first time it was that severe. I went downhill in a matter of a few months, about April through June. I'm now in nursing school at my local college actually following a realistic dream that I've had for over 5 years. I would love to work in psych!
Sorry that was so long, but I like to share my story and try to destigmatize bipolar.
Long story short,
Tried to off myself.
A friend took me to the hospital and I bit a nurse.
And they sent me to jail.
I was drowning in shame and embarrassment for months that I ended up not graduating college. I was in my last semester. This was two and a half years ago and I still haven’t finished college. I’ve been one class away forever now.
Edit: punctuation added more to the story
I honestly think I was horribly wronged and feel like I should sue but I don’t have the resources to. They knew I was having an episode. I even had my meds on me. I packed random things into a bag and was going who knows where. I had to go to court and they dismissed my case for mental health reasons. They should have put me in a 72 hour hold.
I totally agree and was thinking that they’d wronged you as well. You obviously weren’t mentally competent enough to make rational decisions in that state, so shouldn’t have put you in jail, instead (like what you said) they should’ve put you on a 72 hour hold to evaluate your psychiatric state and once the result was determined then they could revisit the charges if you were deemed mentally stable
Is it ok if I ask what kind of visual hallucinations you experience? Because I know everyone has different kinds of things that they hear and see, and to different degrees / severities. For my visual hallucinations, I get LOTS of bug hallucinations which make me so paranoid, shadows lurking outside hallways, and one of the more terrifying ones I’ve had is people on the street following me when I’m out late at night alone or with a friend.
i was in a long-term psychotic mania caused by lexapro prior to my official diagnosis. i felt like i could communicate with spirits and i would frequently black out and not know what i was doing. i ran away a handful of times, almost stole my moms car, spent tons of money on molly but the final straw that sent me to the hospital and led me to getting diagnoses was when i was so strung out i thought a spirit in the garage was telling my to od on pills so she could borrow my body. im very thankful that i have overcome this with the right combination of medication and therapy as well as building my support system. to those who feel helpless today, it is possible to live a somewhat normal life with bipolar!
was convinced i was an owl saving the universe by meditating in the middle of four lane busy traffic and that my dead friend was coming to deliver me to god. cops came. i kept shouting david lynch for president.
Only happend one time, should have happend several times. I was suicidal and also a danger to others. (Understod the danger to others since I was screened twice for ASPD, lol).
I don't really know what you would say about it? It's just a medical situation. It's like going into the hospital for your appendix. Going for your brain. It isn't anyone's business and you don't have to explain anything to anybody. Sometimes people write to themselves to explain it to themselves.
I wanted a bed and some food. In my case a little hospital and a desk with some papers was sufficient for me I just wanted my solitude. I wasn't going home to a happy home or the other place that I was staying at in 2008 wasn't that great so a hospital was great for me. I wasn't suicidal I just told them I want care to continue. They looked at me like I was a science experiment they've never heard of a young people asking for psychiatric care on their own in person. And I said yeah I already have a doctor's office from out of state can you help me where I am now I no longer live there I just lost my house. Seeking public housing assistance that's exactly what I told them. Wasn't SH or self harming. I just lost my home it was around 2008. I spent a few weeks on inpatient and it was a peaceful place.
A distant cousin had worked there for a while and my parents visited me. My mother was embarrassed that I was there. My dad was supportive I think they were both in shock as I was aftreward. By 2011 I had racked up a great deal of bills for therapy and medicine. And the affordable Care act would eventually follow and help me with Medicaid.
Medicaid was able to help me the best that they could. (I'm in a place of defeat and despair over colonoscopies and Medicaid and health insurance criteria. There's a department of Medicaid that's called the population department or something like that and they help organize rides for people that have no family system and no support system and not even a friend to drive them to a colonoscopy and back. At the moment I'm accepting the $200 cancellation fee that I received I have no way to pay it but I can't fight with the office I have to eventually go there for scoping however when I was trying to get a tentative date I didn't complete the paperwork but I still owe the copay or the cancellation fee of $200. So that's a real life responsibility outcome of when you don't have a support system and you go around making plans or getting tentative dates, and then you can't go through with the procedure and then you have to pay the cancellation fee and that's called how it goes. I added to my debts to pay and I pay it. This is policy is criteria. It's an honor to be in any debt BECAUSE it means I'm still alive.)
Poor Medicaid eventually found out about my endometriosis and immediately offered me a hysterectomy. Losing my organs was good for me.
(Since 2016 I've seen a systemic or institutional let down before my care plan so I had to keep on self-advocating which is difficult to do without case management and is difficult to navigate insurance companies and Medicaid on any level. 2017 to 2020 I was denied case management. 2014 some goofy relative and my mom ruined my dental care. Since 1992 I had had strict dental Care, nutrition, education for myself. I've had to beg and plead with parents to have basics like resources. Lol. I can't get mad at my parents they were too old and sick they get all the excuses in the world.)
(I fixed it I kept on fixing my medical care despite being hindered and in my opinion sabotaged by family. Because not every family wants to see you win. Or succeed. Mine didn't. mine pursued my defeat, so much reverse reverse psychology. 😅😂)
The how or some minor mania, isn't important, going to the hospital helps you get case management. it builds a support system.
With any illness any chronic condition, you want a doctor's office. Whatever illness you have with the body the body has the framework of healthcare and the law around it.
Seeking healthcare in a hospital or outpatient setting, hopefully it isn't a lock up facility but you want to get some help there. make sure when they discharge you you have a care plan a case manager and a therapist.
While you're there don't fight the staff be respectful be kind they are there to help you. You will likely never go back to a hospital again but one instance in your life isn't going to hurt you to spend some time at the hospital.
Take a break, take a break that's important to remember in life tell yourself that often. If you don't treat your mental health care you will have a more difficult time recovering from the stroke and heart attack. Keep that in mind. After my foreclosure I treated myself as though I was a recovering patient of something. By 2012 my mother and father both had a stroke and cancer I again blame myself for their outcomes.
They're going to bill the insurance company and they're going to help you move forward.
Spending a few weeks there isn't a big deal. If you want to preserve your mental health you will be there.
If you want to avoid care and land up in a worse shape by 40 or 60 you go ahead and go untreated your entire life and you see how worse it gets to get on medication to order you get with the more compiled problems! That's why you want to seek medical care consistently from age 18 until you die. Which is around 98 years of age for the next 60 years of your life you have to have medical care, check ups, screenings, test. The body is a full-time care job.
If you don't care about yourself as time goes on nobody else will and you are left with the bill & a broken body, mind, compiled problems. Solve your problems every single decade so they don't compile.
This was really good advice and actually made me stop and think for once. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! This was super interesting to read and think about.
Well, the first time it happened I no-called no-showed to work (I was in corporate marketing at the time) and so my coworkers came to check on me. I didn't answer the door so they called for a wellness check and a fireman ended up crawling through my bedroom window to let the paramedics in. I was catatonic and suicidal and they saw my self harm scars on my arms so it was signed sealed and delivered right then and there.
I was in active alcohol addiction at that point too so I aggressively shrugged off my bipolar diagnosis.
Then the second time, I had been in my (very tiny studio) apartment screaming "I want to die!" and "Please God just let me die" at the top of my lungs for about 4 hours so a neighbor called the cops on me. They brought in a social worker and I begged and pleaded with her to instead just sit with me until I calmed down or to let me go to my boyfriend's house instead of hospitalizing me because I knew I would lose my job. She hospitalized me anyways and I immediately lost my job and my apartment.
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I called 911 on myself because I couldn’t sedate myself with drugs. My mind was so overactive and intense I collapsed from laughing and crying at the same time. The emotions were so strong I was paralyzed. I had no idea what else to do to make the feelings stop.
i tried to be hospitalized when i was manic. asked my psychologist to admit me, called the hospitals in town and tried to self-admit. was denied over and over with claims that my insurance (medicaid) wouldn’t cover inpatient for mania and was only offered virtual outpatient.
i crashed into severe depression, then a mixed episode, then began having panic attacks that made me want to die. five months after crashing from a 1.5-2yr mania i was finally able to self-admit.
but by then my epilepsy had relapsed and my bp was running 180s/120s. i sought medical care via er first and but was sent to psych inpatient instead where my medical issues were ignored despite asking for help daily.
i didn’t either tbh. it was my longest and most destructive to date. it obliterated my life and i’m still trying my best to climb out of the hole i dug but despite my best efforts i’m sinking. i was on lithium+ the entire time, seeing psychiatrist and psychologist. they didn’t catch it.
after my inpatient stay, my mixed episode continued for at least 7 mos despite weekly appts with psych np and psychologist. mood finally began to stabilize last summer once i was on about 10 meds. since that time my physical health declined/is declining sharply and i’m currently struggling to function in every way.
i’m on the brink of losing custody of my son bc i don’t have any money to fight for him in court (his dad hasn’t paid child support in 2 yrs, 10k behind, but is suing *me* for full custody and child support); i’m not able to work enough to afford rent and utilities so am facing homelessness probably by august; my car is close to being repo’ed; i’m drowning in debt accrued during mania (spent <20k in cash and accrued >20k in debt); etc.
thanks for listening to me vent. i’m so overwhelmed and hopeless but still seeking help, but everywhere i turn i only find closed doors.
I’m so sorry all of this is happening to you. Sending lots of love and support, rooting for you, and I’m sure you’ll get your son back soon! I believe in you!
Not extensive but just a few examples of strong beliefs...
I believed gravity was malleable and that I could fly if I walked out a window
I believed I needed to stop breathing and have my cells work through sheer force of will so I could become immortal
I believed I needed to "die" in order to wake up from the matrix and reach true reality
A relative of mine believed they could digest plastic and ate plastic items to prove this
See how these are dangerous? And on top of that there's the unpredictability. Even if someone doesn't have obvious concerning beliefs like this, reality in psychosis is constantly shifting and they might have and act on really far-out beliefs in another day or even an hour.
Same! I was waiting for my favorite rapper to fly and meet me on the beach and show me how to fly. Then the next day I saw him with a cape flying towards me. That afternoon I taught myself how to breathe underwater and it worked. I swore I was able to generate heat from my palms. I tried touching someone and it worked.
This is ALL so interesting because it’s similar to what happened to me. My next door neighbor turned into the hulk and started uppercutting men who I suspected of being child molesters into the sky. The night before I was a detective working on the biggie murder but he died in a different way. The police were really in my room though. I destroyed my apartment and all I could think was that I was on repeat. The next day I was waiting for President Trump to come to my apartment to fight for a bag of money. Other people(my neighbors) were actually playing along(I have NO idea why). And I was naked in my apartment for most of this. I’m so embarrassed and it was the worst day of my life but reading other people’s experiences it seems like normal for a bad manic episode. 7 days in the hospital NEVER AGAIN.
I was involuntarily committed because I was naked in the street screaming at the top of my lungs about the devil. I was pretty incoherent and wasn't responding to questions so the police got me into an ambulance.
For months before that incident, I thought the world was ending/transforming and I had some huge role in that. Like I was becoming some magical religious type of being who was sweeping in the age of Aquarius. I thought I could see angels and spirits influencing people. I thought I was supposed to be the conductor of the chorus of angels in heaven... I was raised Catholic but I'm not religious, my mania and psychosis were just very obsessively focused on religion. And leading up to the big naked screaming moment, every single thing had a meaning. If I saw a crow, or a number on a clock, or the moon... anything and everything had a foreboding meaning and I took it all really seriously.
Despite being handcuffed to the bed for the first three days, I was treated really well... Though I don't remember much once I was at the hospital. Maybe they sedated me? I didn't remember much until I was transferred to a mental health center.
I also lost like 50 lbs because I was barely eating or sleeping for months... Skinniest I've ever been and it was scary.
I took way too much melatonin the night before the naked screaming... But if the naked screaming hadn't happened, I'm not sure if I would have been hospitalized. I had just started therapy and wasn't on medication yet but getting there.
Yeah I feel like that's pretty standard for the level I was at. I could barely form a coherent sentence but I was very aggressive and careless with my movements, I didn't hurt anyone but it was probably so a nurse didn't get smacked in the face accidentally. Plus it was involuntarily, I had to go before a judge to get out of the mental hospital. Seemed to have some similarities to getting arrested.
I had complete psychosis, the president picked me up by arm on a helicopter and took me off to fight in a war. I had PTSD from a war that never happened. I was in my apartment the whole time. I woke up in a psych ward. I have since got back to stability. Mania is no joke. I could of hurt others or myself.
It was the height of the pandemic and I really lost it during the isolation. All of my self harm habits came back with a vengeance because no one has to see me. I had given myself two black eyes and when a friend saw me on a whim they heavily suggested I admit myself. I did within 24 hours after figuring out who would look over my cat. I was in the hospital for 13 days.
Mine was for hypo-mania. It was directly prior to my diagnosis and I had started anti depressants for what I thought was depression. The anti depressants kicked me into hypo mania. I couldn't sleep. I was hell bent on hurting myself and came very close to stabbing myself (stabbed my couch at the last second instead) and I was struggling to keep myself from running into traffic or pouring boiling water on myself. I called for help at that point and a friend took me to the hospital. I was unable to maintain eye contact with anyone because I thought if I saw into their eyes I would see they weren't real and I was very afraid of being the only real person on earth. I was admitted to the hospital for a week while the anti depressants left my system and I left the hospital with a bipolar diagnosis.
Jesus those impulses sound awful. the feeling of having no control over yourself is so beyond scary, for me it’s like riding in the back seat watching a car crash waiting to happen. Just a few questions (you dont have to answer:) how do you know the difference between hypo mania and like full blown mania? I only know so much on this topic so I was wondering, for it to be considered “Mania” does it have to come with a form of psychosis, hallucinations, or confusion? I’m just trying to figure out the difference as it’s sort of confusing me. Also, when you said ‘called to get help,’ did you call a professional or the friend that took you to the hospital?
One more question (sorry😭) but how do you know if you’re in / going into a manic / hypo manic episode? Like are there warning signs? I’m just trying to figure out the difference between the depressive episodes vs the manic episodes other than the VERY CLEAR mood level and energy level shifts. I just have been a bit confused lately because I thought that you could only self harm in a depressive episode, which looking back at it I now think is silly but I seriously thought that for a while and now I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that when in Mania / Hypomania it’s very common for Bipolars to hurt themselves or others. Does this come from loss of impulse control or psychosis or perhaps something else entirely. Sorry for all the questions but you seem super cool and interesting which is why I’m curious 🙂
1. How do you know the difference between hypo vs mania: I'm going to answer based on my personal experience and the information given to me by a psychiatrist the way I understood it. So take it all with a grain of salt. My psychiatrist called what I described experiencing in the past prior to beginning the anti depressants hypo mania. I have never gone into a "full manic" episode other than when it was spured on by the anti depressants. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 2.
2. Difference between mania and hypo mania: google says that hypo mania is a milder form of mania that typically lasts shorter periods of time. I think generally everyone's experience with mania can differ greatly. I think psychiatrists or doctors take into consideration duration, severity, and personal experiences when differentiating between the two. There are some decent websites out there that go into the differences.
3. I called a mental health help line at first and they talked me through either contacting a friend or calling 911 immediately. I was able to text a friend who was there to pick me up in 10 min and bring me to a hospital. I'm really fortunate to have a good support network in that sense. If I hadn't have been able to contact a friend I believe I would have called 911. Or someone would have eventually called 911 on me.
4. Warning signs of episode: I think this carried so much for everyone. For me personally I use a mood tracking app on my phone and try and track my well being that way. I spend a lot of time on the depressed side of things and I often find myself questioning if a "normal good day" is actually the start of hypomania. I also have to watch my personal triggers. If I'm not getting enough sleep, or if I use alcohol or other substances I have found I am way more likely to experience either a bout of deep depression or hypomania after so I try hard to stay away from alcohol now. I think the biggest warning sign for me is insomnia. If I find I haven't been sleeping for no apparent reasons for multiple nights, alarm bells start to go off. But sometimes people aren't able to identify or experience self awareness around their mania and I also have to rely on my support networks. I am a super private person irl so it was a really big thing for me to have to tell my family members and friends about it. But it helps keep me safe.
5. I'm not really sure where exactly the cause of self harm/self destruction fits in in mania and depression. That's a great question and there may already be some neat studies out there looking into it. I would guess that impulsivity plays a large piece of it in mania/hypo mania. Or the circumstances within psychosis a person is experiencing. For me some of the self harm piece was likely a need for grounding and the fear I was feeling at the time.
Wishing you well on your learning journey!! Again, I only answered based on my own personal experiences and information I remember from my psychiatrist/health professionals.
This was one of the most helpful comments by far! Your journey sounds hard but I wish you the best! It’s not easy, but I know in the end it’ll be worth it :)
I was seeing things and hearing things that weren't real. I heard voices telling me to kill myself. I was 13 the first time. My parents didn't believe in medication so I was there for 2 weeks until the insurance ran out. Looking back on it, it was an extremely traumatic time of my life and I believe the stress I was under caused the psychotic break. These still occur as an adult if I'm under extremely stressful situations or undergo major life changes.
i got hospitalized voluntarily back in April because i thought i was gonna die from a heart attack. Im 20 years old and had no prior diagnosis. During my episode before i called 911 i was awake for 7 days straight. My first couple days of mania were manageable and i had tons of energy but it was controllable and i realized i was acting out of character. The thing that pushed me over the edge was my mother randomly contacting me out of the blue and accusing me of drug abuse along with my sister. It instantly triggered paranoia because i dont even drink let alone do drugs. My mom and sister both told me over the phone that you "cant trust anyone in this world". That pushed me into a place that made sleep impossible so i called 911 and spent 2 weeks in the hospital. the whole experience was really fucked and ive fucked up a couple of my friendships because of it but at least i got a proper diagnosis, in much better health, and stayed working. I really wish this never happened to me and it only affirmed my reasons for staying away from my mother and sister.
Also throughout that week i chased a patent and got my career settled and setup pretty nicely so at least it was productive. Just a shame the paranoia set in and i couldnt function at all.
In 2022 I had my bf take me to the ER in the middle of my first ever manic episode. I was manic for about a week before that, without realizing something was wrong. I just felt really great for once after dealing with depression for so long and had pulled off a really successful event at work so I thought I was just killing it at life and could literally do anything. This progressed into me realizing things about the universe and society and I ended up writing a long manifesto about how the world isn’t fair to anyone, at which point I read it back to myself and realized it wasn’t a good look. I then talked to a psychiatrist that I worked with and he advised me to hospitalize myself. I really didn’t want to go because the paranoia had set in by then but I am a neuroscientist by trade so that helped me convince myself that I needed to go.
After I got checked into the hospital I went into full blown psychosis. I had extreme delusions of grandeur and paranoia and experienced auditory hallucinations. Tbh it felt like I was tripping on acid (not that I have ever done any kind of drugs before though but I imagine that’s what it feels like). I thought shooters were coming after me and my family for the things I thought I knew to be true and all kinds of other crazy conspiracies. I refused medication because of the paranoia. I was in this psychotic state for 3 days and did not sleep that whole time.
They had my actual psychiatrist come down and check me out right after I got there and she was so surprised to see me like that. She had no idea I was bipolar (hence her prescription for me to take antidepressants).
Finally a bed became available in the psych ward for me so they wheelchaired me there with a few security guards as my entourage (I guess because I was at risk of doing something unexpected/hurting myself).
I was in the psych ward for a few days, nothing really happened, I mostly just chatted amongst the other patients and scribbled my nonsensical notes and lists and enjoyed the unlimited food we were allowed to order (especially their chocolate cake, my god it was so good).
But because I had entered the hospital voluntarily they could not keep me there when I demanded to be released into the world.
In general I was treated fine. Nothing super bad happened to me or anyone I met in the ward. All the doctors were nice and just wanted me to be safe/okay.
I’ve been hospitalized a few times since then as well. Always mostly voluntary. I really don’t want to go back again, but my therapist tells me that people of our disease usually don’t wanna go in the first place anyways :)
I am doing much better thank you! It took a few years and things were hard for a while but I’m glad I’m still here and hope the better times last for a bit :) let me know if you have any other questions or ever need to talk!
Lmao I have a super similar experience where was on leave from my psych ward and me and my family were out and i freaked out and was so convinced that my dad was lying to me and was a spy that I tried to jump out of a moving car and then managed to get out and run away to a park a while away from my house and my parents found me in the MALE BATHROOM (I’m a girl) and when I locked myself in a toilet cubicle they called the police and ambo on me. Had to get escorted hehe
I am diagnosed with BP1 with psychosis so my problem wasn't so much mania but the fact that I was seeing and feeling things that weren't real. I had been in-patient a couple times prior, but the final time I was committed involuntarily and force-fed medication for a year. I had been in a psychotic break for what seemed to be weeks. I was convinced the world was coming to an end - hearing voices, seeing things, reading into things....I even felt tactile hallucinations (people touching me and what felt like giant shocks in my sides). The night everything came to a head, I believed I was living on a military base about to be relocated for my family's safety. I was sitting in my room chain smoking, looking outside the window when I thought I saw people in my yard. I freaked out and got in my car. I tried to call 911 but was convinced the calls weren't going through....so I kept calling. Nothing gets you screwed quicker than calling 911 a hundred times...
I was totally lost driving....could barely drive in a panic. I ended up at a Circle K (convienience store). It was about one in the morning and I was freaking out in the store, telling the guy working there that people were after me and I was suppose to be relocated.....He called the cops and when the cops got there they called an ambulance.
I ended up in the ER where I was pretty much talking loudly for an eternity and seeing things out of the corners of my eyes. I can't explain it - they were like fish hooks sticking in the sides of my eyes...after that the doctor came in and I can't remember much until two days later when I woke up in the hospital restrained. Apparently, two nurses petitioned me to the psych ward and the court sided with them.....so I was forced to take meds for a year.
The psych hospital was awful. They had me tied with my hands above my head, which is not the right way and illegal. I spent two days screaming in the "quiet room" about how they were a bunch of Nazi's and no better than Mengele. I also found it ironic as the nurses were complaining about being forced to get the Covid vaccine.....while I'm sitting there getting meds forceably shot in my ass....
After I was force fed the meds, I started to come out of it and just wanted to leave....so I complied. That was three years ago and the last time I was in one of those places. I'm still on my meds but a lot of that is mainly due to the length of time I've been on them (I'm scared to stop after three years because I don't know what will happen).
I have been skeptical about my BP1 diagnoses because I don't normally have mania. I swell in depression. The psychotic part I can believe. I was in my mid 40's going through a rough time when all my problems with this infernal disease started....right in the middle of menopause. I think I've had four psychotic breaks....but been ok for three years now.
My delusions always revolved around me "getting away" from my life. I even went through a period where I thought I was in the witness relocation program lol (gotta laugh).
That is honestly petrifying. The way the psych hospital treated you sounded honestly inhumane. When did you get your BP1 diagnosed? Also, how do you know if your upcoming on a psychotic break? Are there any warning signs?
The first time was a suicide attempted because I genuinely believed they thought I was better off dead, the second time most of aforementioned friends cut me off and I went into psychosis horribly to the point I almost went through with suicide again before calling my doctor near midnight. That was when I got my diagnosis because the inpatient doctor saw me manic finally. The event of losing my friends because of my years being unmediated hurts but slowly things are getting better.
I guess more a mixed state, I hadn't slept in days and was miserable,went to the ER because I was desperate and considering sleeping forever. Got shot full of haldol which did nothing and was transferred to a psych unit, don't really remember alot of that stay
Prescribed zoloft. Few weeks into taking it, felt amazing. Stayed up straight for like 3 or 4 days. Started having some hallucinations and going nuts in my apartment room. Thought I was dreaming. Basically my roommate got my mom to come and then she took me to the hospital. lol... diagnosed there.
I had a manic, turned psychotic episode and was having traumatizing hallucinations. I primarily have auditory and olafactory hallucinations, and they are not pleasant, to say the least. They are often terrifying. The final hallucinations I had were command hallucinations. I've never had those before. I actually told my spouse to call 911. I have moments of being very self-aware, which is a really good thing.
I spent 10 days in hospital and was released. Im fortunate with my disorder as there is a quick dissent into the episode, and then I come out of them just as quickly. My psychiatrist mentioned that it is really good for my brain. I have been stable and medicated for the first time in my life and hope to never go back.
The first time I got it, it lasted sooo long because I didn’t know what it was. I checked in myself but they wouldn’t let me leave. I was having looping thoughts I couldn’t change. I thought I was being surveilled. I was hyper focused on only a few themes. In normal life, I never have recurring thoughts. It lasted a really long time and my brain didn’t recover for a really long time. Years.
Forgot to add: cut myself, wanted to die, on REALLY wrong medication, didn’t sleep much, could barely eat, smoked a lot of weed, drank like a fish
In summary: Messiah Complex. It all ended when the police caught up to me in a car chase. I remember this vividly, the officers came to my window and asked for license / registration and where I was going. I responded “officer, this is going to sound crazy but I’m going to save the world”. That’s when I was arrested and taken to the station. I was held for a bit and then transferred to a hospital.
It started a year before, in 2014, when I experienced my first clinical depression which then became catatonic depression. I was a breathing corpse for several months. Trying the standard antidepressants is a painful process since A. Not everyone responds to every medication and B. Even if you do respond, it takes at least a month to start seeing results. After trying several, the magic bullet was Zoloft. It slowly pulled me out and then gradually led me to hypomania > hypermania > psychosis.
Hypomania was great, all of a sudden “naturally” I had the energy to do daily hour runs. Music *felt* wonderful. Then came ideas and writing. I dove deep into psychology and philosophy and joined online groups and posted theories I had about different aspects of life, ranging from God to ethics to science. The deeper I got, the more I became convinced that I have an ability to understand more than the average human and that I somehow tapped in to a higher plane of reality.
Then came the hypermania. Now I started implementing my ideas in to reality. For example, I was convinced that the ability of the body to heal and regenerate itself while asleep was simply activated by a low heart rate. If I could get my heart to that rate and still be awake, I would have no need to sleep. I set up a makeshift temple with candles, essential oils, and played certain types of music. I still got some actual shuteye but maybe around an hour or two at most.
Then came the psychosis. Now I had full blown superpowers. I can speak directly to someone in a way that nobody around us can hear except the person I’m talking to. I believed that like a radio wave / frequency I can speak on a certain wave / frequency that’s custom to the ear of the person I’m talking to. Next, I can jump and depending on the force of impact, like a butterfly effect I can cause the heart of a criminal somewhere across the globe to stop and they would immediately die. Next, I can use the electric current from my heart to start a fire or power electric devices. There’s more but at the moment these are the ones I can remember.
Eventually I became convinced I was the messiah but first I had to rid the world of enough evil and only then will I be revealed to the world. At this point I started driving very fast. Thankfully this occurred mostly late at night. I believed that I can change all the traffic lights to green as soon as I approached them no matter how fast I drove. Fast forward to the police chase. On one night, while driving fast, I hit a center divider and thought my wheel popped so immediately I decided I can’t brake because then I will lose control and probably cause a bad accident. So I decided in a split second to cut in a side street and gradually slow down until I came to a complete stop. That is when I noticed the blue and red lights behind me. I didn’t even realize I was being chased.
By now you know what happened next. To add more context, in my upbringing I was taught about historical religious leaders that were all put in prison at one point in their lives (unjustly) so that’s why from the moment my interaction with the police began I was at complete ease, because that was my final sign that I’m imminently going to be announced to the world. I was actually happy. When processing at the station, I fixated on the shoes of the people around me and saw a complete rainbow of colors. I thought that like by the story of Noah, this was another sign I was in good hands.
I then was transferred to a hospital where up until the heavy doses of antipsychotics took effect I believed that the other patients were able to see I was actually the messiah but now it might be game over. The system won. I was going to be sucked back down to “this dimension” and my true identity will be forgotten until the end of time.
Intensity
Mania
Happiness
Misery
Pple use all three to describe mania. So who else is manic? What? Is stoicism back in style? Laugh out loud. Misfit philosophy joke.
Nothing scares me about the human spectrum of emotions. Friend it, process it, accept myself and what's left to be extreme or worried about?
If you are too happy, mania. Too intense, mania. Depressed from life wiping the floor with me/you -- not victim related, it's reality. Reality , the stigma of infirmity or mental unfitness or failure to thrive...haha, I say to professionals, "can't be too happy because it's mannniia so I'll just stay intense and nerve-racking. Call me too happy, yeah because being alive is good enough for me
At times mania is a gaslight.
Duck pple that use "uuurrrr manic" as a accusation. Harness mania as a super power. Extreme energy? Put it to use,clean house. Trouble leaving bed? Baby step it: sit on edge of bed, slowly rise, stand for a few minutes and get your bearings, then slowly make it to the hallway, stand there, don't give up, now walk to bathroom. Don't give up. Stand. Lean against wall for a few minutes. No going back to bed. Even if it takes 20+ of standing,stand, then if it hurts, it's ok to sob or cry to the bathroom, hug self for getting down hallway THEN, start water, brush teeth, even if it takes me 40 mins for what should be 5-15 mins slowly shower, try to learn how to enjoy spa time: freshness, water comfort, dressing, quick clean up of bathroom. Tell yourself a quick rinse off will rinse away a mood or difficulty. I know it's not expansive but reader's digest version.
Thank you subreddit for being here for me. I read a important post at Genx on wot or walls of text, I was so happy to sit and read with my notebook and journal and learn about the thread and how to rethink how to write or how to communicate but I can't help it I don't want to write lost text but I don't know how to explain anything succinctly I try to do readers digest version. Then I learned what pple think or how they react. I needed that empathy training to understand how WOT are actually received, I'm sorry, I can change. but communications are difficult for me, I want to use my art or music to speak I don't like English, or trying or communicating, too diffuser. I wish I could shut it all down, no more words, of course I'm not serious. But sometimes, confusion is the game, it's how pple are; confused, muddled, conflicted. Funny that no one ever says that a person is conflicted they just call them manic as if they were a physician themselves. One of my favorite lines (institutional digs) is a nursing home or excuse from an emergency room when I or dad needed help doctor saying that I have psychomotor retardation and I wrote that as one of my labels I like that.
In this world you will meet good doctors and clinicians and sometimes you will meet a few duds, don't let the duds or the goof ups in their industry discourage you from medical Care . keep seeking medical Care with the right therapist or the right doctor, never give up on yourself and never give up on your medical care. don't worry about the labels, stigmas don't matter and
This was actually super educational 🫶
Also a few follow up questions,
. Why is being “manic” used as an accusation or an insult?
.(this is kind of a silly question but I’m kind of new to reddit) so did my original post create the subreddit or is r/bipolar the subreddit?
My worst manic episode was about 10 years ago. The hypomania had been building up for a long time and exploded when I climbed onto the desk of my psychiatrist's office and kicked the window. My psychiatrist and nurse dragged me down and I punched the window which smashed and slashed my arm. My nurse dragged me onto the floor while my psychiatrist pressed the emergency button. Because the office was so far away from the rest of the team it took them ages to get there. In the meantime I was struggling with all my might to get up and every time I very nearly did my psychiatrist screamed as she was just standing there watching this all unfolding. Eventually other people arrived and three people lay on top of me to keep me down. Blood was everywhere. As is standard in my country they called the police to hold me until they sorted out a bed in hospital.
In the police cell with those anti rip smock I smashed my head against the concrete wall until they strapped me to a chair. While I was restrained they stitched up my wounds.
Got taken to the psych ICU where I took all my clothes off and kept smashing my head against the wall. Whenever that would happen they would restrain me and sedate me with an injection. The oral olanzapine wasn't doing anything but the injections helped, so they gave me a high dose that was long acting which helped a lot.
I get a rare type of psychosis which is called disorganised with no delusions or hallucinations. My thoughts get so jumbled that I just scream word salad, and have a completely different affect every 30 seconds. Like singing and dancing, then on all doors screaming for death, then trying to seduce a cop, then just screaming and tearing chunks of my hair out, then sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor who saw me at the police station said "I haven't seen someone this manic in a long time".
I got several different concussions from the head banging but I was too agitated for a CT scan so they neurological exams on me every hour to check I didn't have an obvious brain bleed.
It took 20 days to recover enough to go home. Overall I was treated extremely well, and I'm extremely grateful for everyone who helped me. I'm also so glad that the explosion into full blown mania happened where it did and not somewhere like out on the street.
For anyone who hasn't been transported in a police car while mentally ill, they handcuff you can put you in the back seat, then push and recline the front passenger seat so you're pinned to the seat and can't move at all.
The nurse who dragged me to the floor had to take three days off work because her muscles were so sore. She was the hero that day.
Throughout this whole thing I have crystal clear memory. I also have a consciousness behind the mania where I'm aware of what's happening and that I'm manic but have absolutely no control over myself. Like being on the craziest, wildest ride I could ever imagine.
That’s an insane story. I bet being in that safe and secure trained medical environment helped a lot, when you were surrounded by people there to support you. How did you get diagnosed with that kind of psychosis / mania? Because that sounds uncomfortably familiar. What was it called again? Disorganised psychosis? Whatever it’s called it’s terrifying, and im sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like your doing a lot better now :)
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I was hospitalized for mania at 17 after four days of mania including crippling anxiety, feeling like I needed to go somewhere else (not sure where), elated, hyper sexuality (very uncommon for me especially at the time), and I spent so much money that week I had no savings left. I couldn’t take it after four days I had stayed home from school as well and I decided to go to the ER with my mom because I was feeling very suicidal. There i actually got sectioned due to “insurance” and I got diagnosed w Bipolar 1. I had a decent experience although it made me want to go back for years afterwards because to me it was a way to forget everything although I didn’t like a lot of the rules there. My second experience at a mental hospital was when I was 21 and I had a much worse experience that time haha.
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When I was hospitalized for mania I was 17 and on an antidepressant because my psychiatrist was really, really bad. I drove my friend home from school, and remember telling them, “I’m just so, so fucking happy” then went and tried to off myself. It made sense in my head-my moods were so unstable, and I was finally so happy, and I wanted to die happy, right? I luckily had an appointment with my therapist at that exact time and she called my mom and had her take me to the hospital where I was for 17 days and got diagnosed bipolar. I experience a lot more psychotic symptoms now but I was lucky at the time it was pretty cut and dry
I love the “I’m so so fucking happy!” And then going to die because I understand that feeling of wanting to go out on a high or almost what you could call “with a bang”. Did you know you were bipolar or experiencing Mania prior to that admission and diagnosis?
I really didn’t. I had done a school project on bipolar a couple years prior and thought “uh oh” but I was like 14 and just starting to get symptoms but filed it in the “we’ll deal with that later” bin. This was also 2014 when I was diagnosed, and while mental health was more talked about than years prior, I was still the only bipolar kid in my 2,500 kid high school. I had always known I didn’t relate to my other friends who had depression though. But absolutely no one expected a 17 year old to get diagnosed, seemingly out of nowhere, especially the quiet athlete taking IB classes. My poor parents. If people had been more open about what mania and psychosis were like I absolutely would have been able to know. Maybe it’s just where I grew up but it was kind of a different time. No tik tok to diagnosis you yet either lol.
im glad you got your diagnosis eventually tho
i had an extremely similar experience to yours
I had the very strong belief that the universe was unbalanced - there was too much badness (wars, poverty, depression) and not enough good. I thought that if I transcended to another plane of existence I would be able to rebalance the universe and save everyone. To do this I came to the realisation that I needed to sever the ties with my physical body to make it easier to transcend, so I stopped eating and drinking because I didn’t think that I needed to. I was also talking about trying to electrocute myself because I thought that would help jump my brain into this transcended state. Needless to say this all got me hospitalised fairly quickly. The hospitalisation wasn’t really great. They increased one of my antipsychotics but largely left me to it. I don’t think half the nurses even knew I wasn’t drinking. The only person who really helped was the psychiatrist who was able to help reason with me a little bit, and did it in such a way that I didn’t feel threatened as he didn’t directly challenge my delusion. He just helped minimise the risk a bit. For reference I’m in the UK and it’s really quite difficult to get hospitalised here, so I think that you’d be far more likely to be hospitalised for mania than depression here. Even if you attempt suicide you often don’t get hospitalised.
That’s actually a super interesting delusion and one that I’ve never Heard before! It’s shitty that the hospital MH system is so underdeveloped, but I’m glad you could find one person that helped. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you end up in hospital? Like did someone take you or did you kinda just find your way into the ER/ED
My family were really concerned about me so they encouraged me to call the local emergency mental health line, who was able to refer me to a duty nurse who assessed me on the phone. They then said I was having a ‘serious breakdown of my mental health’ and got me in for an appointment first thing the next day to be assessed properly, and they decided to admit me pretty much straight away. There’s quite a few routes to this sort of thing in the UK though so my experience isn’t necessarily representative.
it’s sweet that your family was worried tho
Full disclosure, i don't know how long i was actually manic, but i had given up on sleep for weeks/months? I would set an alarm to go to bed an hour before my wife woke up so she didn't notice. Point being, my memory of the situation was hazy at best. I got hospitalized the first time voluntarily, I believed i could communicate non verbally, destroyed my house in order to fix it the right way, told the cops i could take them if i wanted but i didn't wan't to, I was having spiritual experiences, the radio was answering my questions (quite literally, it was freaky. I would wonder about something and within minutes the radio would announce they would be talking about whatever it was i had on my mind.). I seen my deceased cat and heard my miscarried baby tell me i've been through enough pain. when i got to the hospital I convinced a bunch of Dr's i was on the autism spectrum and left 3 days later with a Rx for valium. It did not help, so my mother convinced me to come stay with them for a little while. while there I eventually decided i wanted a Rx for oxygen so my mother (who is a nurse) drove me to the hospital and let me believe i was getting an oxygen prescription, we just had to go to the city to get it. So i got in the ambulance agreeably and when i got to the involuntary psych ward and the doors locked behind me, i guess i snapped. I don't remember what happened directly after that, but i had been given a lot of ativan in the ambulance too to keep me calm. Apparently i called the Dr a purple pumpkin eater bitch (she had purple on i guess?), and the over paid leader of a concentration camp (she was German). She said afterwards that they were some of the more creative insults she's received lol. the next few days i refused any new meds, organized a group of people to basically overthrow the place, and started cutting the seals out of the plexiglass windows so i could jump out of a 3rd story building to escape. Eventually my wife tricked me into taking the meds by saying if they're the wrong ones, just take them and they will realize and get you the right ones. They were in fact the right meds and brought me out of my psychosis/mania. The actualy facility was horrendous. Everyone smoking, it was so bad I would wake up with nose bleeds (once i was able to sleep anyways). it got so bad i warned my Dr that I knew who was supplying the cigarettes and if they can't deal with the problem then I will. And i was ready to either break his hands or legs or probably worse... They cracked down and it helped a little, but my god was it bad as a non-smoker. I spent 13 days in that facility. When they snapped me out of psychosis i agreed to do whatever the fuck it took to get out of there ASAP. And frankly if you tried to bring me back there now I'd probably fight you. All in all 1/10 only because they actually treated my mania/psychosis but i wouldn't recommend it. I nearly got into several fights with people and security guards and radicalized a few people who still never took the meds by the time I left. But no one got hurt and i got the help i needed and they're building a new facility now! I'm an open book when it comes to my Bipolar, much of it was cenetered around work (which i still have the same job), so basically every person i know is aware of my diagnosis, so no point trying to keep it personal at this point. Any specific questions, ask away.
thats actually such a terrifying thing to go through and i’m so sorry you had to endure that. some hospitals can be really shitty, but THE SMOKING? i mean i knew a few people who snuck vapes and blades in but never cigarettes. bet the whole place reeked. i do have a question tho, how old were you when you got diagnosed? and how did they go about it? i’m just curious because i have diagnosed BPD and both me and my case manager and my psychologist are pretty sure i have comorbid bipolar disorder with it as well. i’m 14 and i dont know if they can diagnose that young but i think i need the diagnosis for the correct meds because the meds in on right now (zoloft, seraquil) are driving me insane. i’ve requested a med review a billion times and they just won’t listen and it’s super frustrating because although i’m so young sometimes it feels like my mental illnesses have caused me to mature MUCH faster than others, and now it feels like i’m a lot older than i am but i’m trapped in a child’s body and no one will take me seriously
My psych ward had a room where you were allowed to smoke. It was like completely yellow. And let me tell you it did NOT keep that smell inside. My room was obviously next to it..
apparently, they had an enclosed balcony for it before i got there but for some reason or another it was no longer allowed? probably vandalized..
Ew that’s actually vile 😭
diagnosed at 30, turned 36 last month. I had smoked weed my whole life (from age 13) to deal with stressors/everything , having a baby, trying to quit smoking, and lots of adderall/Dexedrine (prescribed for ADHD) combined into a perfect storm. If i came out of the psychosis after stopping the amphetamines i may have had a different diagnosis, but i didnt even after a week or two. so type 1 bipolar. I was insanely manic, they knew i was bipolar from the begining but needed to see me respond to treatment to be sure afaik. at least thats what they told my wife. Yes mental illness/struggles in general will age a person significantly.
My neighbors called 911 when they saw me trying to jump off my balcony (naked). They took me in for a 72 hour hold because I was at risk of harming myself. The meds kept me asleep for those 3 days. After the 72 hours, I willingly admitted myself for treatment. The delusion I remember is that I was summoning the lightning and thunder on command. I could see it and hear it. I also remember an idea that I had found a mathematical formula for a universal language. When I got back home, I saw that I had been emailing gibberish to my doctors and therapist for 2 weeks. I had torn down all my curtains. My dishes were shattered and I had been eating off of the living room floor. Otherwise, I only remember the Paramedics carrying me out of my apartment and then later waking up in the hospital. The hospital staff was pretty good. The actual psychiatrist was ok. It was the other patients that bothered me the most. Oh, and insurance companies do not pay for "just in case" hospitalizations for mania. My psychiatrist tells me to take higher doses of my meds for a few days. I end up sleeping a lot and that works for me.
I think if my neighbours saw me trying to jump off a balcony naked i would slide out of my skin and evaporate. and people say that “mania sounds so fun” like no. it’s not. when you say they took you for a 72 hour hold, you mean they sectioned you? and when you say they took you did they like cuff you and escort you to the ambulance or were you lucid enough to do it yourself
Yep, it was mortifying because I didn't know who called. It was daytime, so who else saw me? A judge signed off, and it's on my record. No cuffs, just wrapped up tight in a blanket. They carried me out and down the stairs. My sister has had similar experiences, but she gets violent. So she gets cuffed and taken to the county jail where they have a psych ward.
jesus at day time must’ve been awful. it’s shitty that happened to you but i bet it makes quite the story to tell
During my 2nd Army enlistment in 2005, I remember being at a really high level of happiness and then suddenly hit with the worst depression. My CO was always talking about mental health and the benefits of being able to speak to a therapist, so I said why not maybe it will be good to off load whats bothering me (I really didn't know what was bothering me) onto a stranger. I went in, spoke with them and ended up in a private care facility for 3 or 4 weeks (I don't remember exactly). I wasn't erratic, I just answered the questions honestly, if I remember I was asked about suicidal thought's and I said not recently. I think I also broke down crying about my daughter for no reason. The first week at the facility I was arrogant - blah blah, this is a mistake, I'm not like these other folks (mostly civilians with a wide range of issues). After a week, and doing the meetings I came to see the benefit and the psychiatrist was able to put a lot of the actions in my life into perspective. It was as if someone turned the light on. The experience was good and I consider myself pretty lucky getting to go to such a place. Once I left the facility though and returned to my unit I was rapidly discharged though, which broke my heart at the time.
i’m so sorry you got discharged, my hearts breaking for you! i’m glad you had a good experience in hospital and the mental health system because sometimes it can be pretty fucking rough. your story is super interesting, thanks for sharing! also, thank you for your service.
I thought distant relatives were stalking me to steal my notebooks. I thought they were trying to "hide the truth" that I was writing compulsively due to mania and would make them go to jail if it was released. The page of one of the notebooks was ripped off, and TW SH >!I was so distressed that I cut myself!< and I sent audios to my best friend acussing her of being part of the conspiration bc she has the keys to my house. She was the one that called the emergency services, she tricked me >!saying it was only to get the stitches!<, and behind my back she told the doctors about my manic state. I was unwillingly admitted due to risk of my life. The hospital stay was ok. I was tied only in the ER and freed as soon as I got locked into the mental health unit. I was the bad one, my behaviour was embarrasing. I don't want to get into details bc I'm ashamed of myself. Still the nurses were nice to me the best they could. They even let me go outside with my friend once a day. It's my 2nd more respectful experience being admitted. I've never had hallucinations.
that must’ve been quite the experience. it sucks going through a shitty time only to be put in an even worse ward
We are ALL anonymous here. But don’t feel ashamed. I can relate. Thanks for sharing. Now I know I’m not alone
Thanks to you for your comforting words
I checked myself in to a psych ward at age 22 when I had my first manic episode. I’m about to turn 32. At first, I felt on top of the world and full of brilliant ideas. Everything seemed more exciting, and colors even seemed visually brighter. I was writing a lot and sleeping less. I picked up a new hobby (spoken word… cringe…) where I was performing and reliving some of my darkest traumas on stage. I ran away from home, ghosted my therapist, unceremoniously quit my job an hour before I was scheduled to work, maxed out a credit card, etc. etc… all the while continuing to perform poetry pieces to audiences. I was unintentionally retraumatizing myself by repeatedly writing and performing pieces about some of the heavy shit I had been through. This was around the time I started believing I was receiving special messages in songs I listened to and also started seeing my lucky number everywhere, which lead me to believe that was a message as well. I met someone, became infatuated with them, had unprotected sex with them quickly after meeting them without discussing our sexual histories or STI statuses (something I would never do while of sound mind), and showed up at their house and job unannounced twice… I am very ashamed that I did any / all of that. Extremely uncharacteristic of me. I have since taken accountability and apologized. Needless to say, we didn’t stay in touch. Eventually I went even more wacko and the trauma from my teens that I had been fixating on bled into real life — I started believing every man wanted to r*pe me and that my abusive ex was stalking me. Thankfully, this frightened me so much that I reached out to the therapist. She had an emergency appointment with me that same day where I told her that I needed to go somewhere safe and get help from these symptoms. I had already been in psych wards previously while deeply depressed, so I knew what to expect. I went home that night after weeks of living out of my sedan. Before I went to the psych ward, I thought it was of the utmost importance to record a video of myself in my current state. For… documentation purposes? I don’t know. I rambled on and on and on. I have no clue what I even talked about. I sat in front of my laptop’s webcam for at least a solid 45 minutes. For some reason I asked my mom to sit on one side of me and my dad to sit on the other. I haven’t watched the video even once. I am too scared of seeing myself like that. My dad has since passed away, though, so I fear I might end up wanting to watch it at some point in order to see the footage of him. I voluntarily checked in to a psych ward the next day and they dosed me with extremely hefty antipsychotics. I do not remember much from my time there. I know I slept a LOT. My mom said she visited me and I was slurring my words and incoherent. I don’t remember her visiting. After ~1 week, I was stable, off the heavier meds, and able to be discharged. It was not a fun time. I will say that I’m grateful for the experience because: 1. This is how I obtained my correct diagnosis and 2. My complete and utter lack of stage fright while doing spoken word in that unhinged state of mind helped me realize that performing can be a healthy outlet when used in a healthier context. I have fronted two bands since then, and am working on a third. I’ve been told I have tremendous stage presence.
the things that you went through sound awful but i’m so happy that you got something good out of it!
Thank you! Yeah, it was pretty bananas. My depressive episodes also feature psychosis, so those have not been great either, but I put myself in much more danger and my symptoms were much more destructive to my relationships while manic. When I’m depressed, my delusions tend to just center around perceived flaws etc. etc.
This is so eerily similar to what I went through. I’m recently diagnosed and have gone through two manic episodes already. It’s so hard to explain to those around you what it feels like. I’m in the depressive episode after the fact now. It sucks. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been discharged from the hospital.
Aw man, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It *does* get better once you figure out the right treatments for your episodes. Everyone is a little different, but for me, an atypical antipsychotic slaps me out of mania quickly. My depressive episodes are harder to wriggle free from and I’ve benefited from long-term treatment centers, TMS, and ECT (it’s not as scary as it sounds). I’ve also had GeneSight genetic testing done so I was able to find meds that I metabolize well. That has been a game changer. The depressive dip after the technicolor drama of mania is really rough. Things will level out. Just practice as much self care as possible and try to forgive yourself for anything weird you did while manic. If you have any specific questions I’m happy to answer them.
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Im so sorry for your loss but I’m glad you reached out for help
I had a job at a bank and moved to a branch in a very conservative area. I was on tiktok only watching horrendous news about school shootings and other awful crap. I got so paranoid at work that I thought every male customer was sexually harassing me or generally targeting me. I was afraid they would follow me home. I got paranoid that my coworkers hated me and were out to get me. I had a breakdown and emailed my boss and quit. I then thought I could make money selling clothes, so I put in a bunch of effort at essentially 40 hours a week photographing, styling, and modeling clothes and posting it on FB and dpop. Which feels so embarrassing looking back at it and I've since deleted all those posts that everyone saw! I then started designing stickers that were meant to raise money for women's and children's rights and wanted to sell them outside our planned parenthood. I thought I could save everyone this way. I also put a lot of money into that. I then started doing door dash and instacart until we ran out of money to have our kids in daycare and I started to fear driving. I thought I could become a freelance writer and I started staying up to write a romance novel. I also started smoking weed a lot. I diagnosed myself with a bunch of chronic illnesses and tried to get on disability. I dissociated a ton. I couldn't take care of my kids home with me full time. I started hearing a comforting woman talking to me in my head trying to tell me that everything was ok. I started to believe that if I drove my kids anywhere, that I would drive us off the side of the road and kill us all, completely out of my control. I hated our lives in our town so much and was so paranoid that everyone had a gun with them and would shoot me or my kids at any moment, so I then made plans for our family to move to "the safest city in the world" in the middle of Mexico. I tried hard to convince my husband that we needed to move immediately because our family was so unsafe. I started looking into psychosis and taking online tests for it and mania and was aware enough that I wasn't fit to take care of my kids the way I was. I knew what was happening but I was trapped. Then one night, I couldn't sleep at all and then the next morning I took my kids to my mom's house and told my husband I was going to stay there for a few days. My mom and aunt convinced me to call someone and they told me to go to the hospital. My mom took me there a few hours later, and after a night in hell of waiting for them to transfer me, not getting any care, no TV, no personal items, no clock in my room, and a patient screaming down the hall, I finally got transferred sometime after breakfast. I got strapped into a gurney, put in the back of an ambulance, and driven an hour back to the hospital by my house. The first thing I did after I got checked in was ask for ice cream, lol. Once I was there, I got treated so well, got the meds I needed, talked to others and shared stories, and was discharged after 7 days. They changed my diagnosis from BP 2 to BP 1. It took time for me to get back to neutral, but it's my year anniversary now and I feel better than I've ever felt in my life (in a good stable way). This definitely wasn't my first time being manic, but it was the first time it was that severe. I went downhill in a matter of a few months, about April through June. I'm now in nursing school at my local college actually following a realistic dream that I've had for over 5 years. I would love to work in psych! Sorry that was so long, but I like to share my story and try to destigmatize bipolar.
Thanks for sharing! That sounds so terrifying but I’m so glad you’re doing better now, and HAPPY YEAR ANNIVERSARY 🥳🥳
Long story short, Tried to off myself. A friend took me to the hospital and I bit a nurse. And they sent me to jail. I was drowning in shame and embarrassment for months that I ended up not graduating college. I was in my last semester. This was two and a half years ago and I still haven’t finished college. I’ve been one class away forever now. Edit: punctuation added more to the story
i didn’t know they can send you to jail for biting a nurse?
Yep In my state I was lucky it’s not considered a federal offense.
So, if I bit a nurse they’d seriously send me to jail? Even if I’m in the hospital for an unmanageable mental health crisis?
I honestly think I was horribly wronged and feel like I should sue but I don’t have the resources to. They knew I was having an episode. I even had my meds on me. I packed random things into a bag and was going who knows where. I had to go to court and they dismissed my case for mental health reasons. They should have put me in a 72 hour hold.
I totally agree and was thinking that they’d wronged you as well. You obviously weren’t mentally competent enough to make rational decisions in that state, so shouldn’t have put you in jail, instead (like what you said) they should’ve put you on a 72 hour hold to evaluate your psychiatric state and once the result was determined then they could revisit the charges if you were deemed mentally stable
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Is it ok if I ask what kind of visual hallucinations you experience? Because I know everyone has different kinds of things that they hear and see, and to different degrees / severities. For my visual hallucinations, I get LOTS of bug hallucinations which make me so paranoid, shadows lurking outside hallways, and one of the more terrifying ones I’ve had is people on the street following me when I’m out late at night alone or with a friend.
i was in a long-term psychotic mania caused by lexapro prior to my official diagnosis. i felt like i could communicate with spirits and i would frequently black out and not know what i was doing. i ran away a handful of times, almost stole my moms car, spent tons of money on molly but the final straw that sent me to the hospital and led me to getting diagnoses was when i was so strung out i thought a spirit in the garage was telling my to od on pills so she could borrow my body. im very thankful that i have overcome this with the right combination of medication and therapy as well as building my support system. to those who feel helpless today, it is possible to live a somewhat normal life with bipolar!
was convinced i was an owl saving the universe by meditating in the middle of four lane busy traffic and that my dead friend was coming to deliver me to god. cops came. i kept shouting david lynch for president.
That sounds like a… ‘spiritual experience’
Only happend one time, should have happend several times. I was suicidal and also a danger to others. (Understod the danger to others since I was screened twice for ASPD, lol).
sometimes the mental health system can be so useless and only choose to see what they want to see
I don't really know what you would say about it? It's just a medical situation. It's like going into the hospital for your appendix. Going for your brain. It isn't anyone's business and you don't have to explain anything to anybody. Sometimes people write to themselves to explain it to themselves. I wanted a bed and some food. In my case a little hospital and a desk with some papers was sufficient for me I just wanted my solitude. I wasn't going home to a happy home or the other place that I was staying at in 2008 wasn't that great so a hospital was great for me. I wasn't suicidal I just told them I want care to continue. They looked at me like I was a science experiment they've never heard of a young people asking for psychiatric care on their own in person. And I said yeah I already have a doctor's office from out of state can you help me where I am now I no longer live there I just lost my house. Seeking public housing assistance that's exactly what I told them. Wasn't SH or self harming. I just lost my home it was around 2008. I spent a few weeks on inpatient and it was a peaceful place. A distant cousin had worked there for a while and my parents visited me. My mother was embarrassed that I was there. My dad was supportive I think they were both in shock as I was aftreward. By 2011 I had racked up a great deal of bills for therapy and medicine. And the affordable Care act would eventually follow and help me with Medicaid. Medicaid was able to help me the best that they could. (I'm in a place of defeat and despair over colonoscopies and Medicaid and health insurance criteria. There's a department of Medicaid that's called the population department or something like that and they help organize rides for people that have no family system and no support system and not even a friend to drive them to a colonoscopy and back. At the moment I'm accepting the $200 cancellation fee that I received I have no way to pay it but I can't fight with the office I have to eventually go there for scoping however when I was trying to get a tentative date I didn't complete the paperwork but I still owe the copay or the cancellation fee of $200. So that's a real life responsibility outcome of when you don't have a support system and you go around making plans or getting tentative dates, and then you can't go through with the procedure and then you have to pay the cancellation fee and that's called how it goes. I added to my debts to pay and I pay it. This is policy is criteria. It's an honor to be in any debt BECAUSE it means I'm still alive.) Poor Medicaid eventually found out about my endometriosis and immediately offered me a hysterectomy. Losing my organs was good for me. (Since 2016 I've seen a systemic or institutional let down before my care plan so I had to keep on self-advocating which is difficult to do without case management and is difficult to navigate insurance companies and Medicaid on any level. 2017 to 2020 I was denied case management. 2014 some goofy relative and my mom ruined my dental care. Since 1992 I had had strict dental Care, nutrition, education for myself. I've had to beg and plead with parents to have basics like resources. Lol. I can't get mad at my parents they were too old and sick they get all the excuses in the world.) (I fixed it I kept on fixing my medical care despite being hindered and in my opinion sabotaged by family. Because not every family wants to see you win. Or succeed. Mine didn't. mine pursued my defeat, so much reverse reverse psychology. 😅😂) The how or some minor mania, isn't important, going to the hospital helps you get case management. it builds a support system. With any illness any chronic condition, you want a doctor's office. Whatever illness you have with the body the body has the framework of healthcare and the law around it. Seeking healthcare in a hospital or outpatient setting, hopefully it isn't a lock up facility but you want to get some help there. make sure when they discharge you you have a care plan a case manager and a therapist. While you're there don't fight the staff be respectful be kind they are there to help you. You will likely never go back to a hospital again but one instance in your life isn't going to hurt you to spend some time at the hospital. Take a break, take a break that's important to remember in life tell yourself that often. If you don't treat your mental health care you will have a more difficult time recovering from the stroke and heart attack. Keep that in mind. After my foreclosure I treated myself as though I was a recovering patient of something. By 2012 my mother and father both had a stroke and cancer I again blame myself for their outcomes. They're going to bill the insurance company and they're going to help you move forward. Spending a few weeks there isn't a big deal. If you want to preserve your mental health you will be there. If you want to avoid care and land up in a worse shape by 40 or 60 you go ahead and go untreated your entire life and you see how worse it gets to get on medication to order you get with the more compiled problems! That's why you want to seek medical care consistently from age 18 until you die. Which is around 98 years of age for the next 60 years of your life you have to have medical care, check ups, screenings, test. The body is a full-time care job. If you don't care about yourself as time goes on nobody else will and you are left with the bill & a broken body, mind, compiled problems. Solve your problems every single decade so they don't compile.
This was really good advice and actually made me stop and think for once. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! This was super interesting to read and think about.
Well, the first time it happened I no-called no-showed to work (I was in corporate marketing at the time) and so my coworkers came to check on me. I didn't answer the door so they called for a wellness check and a fireman ended up crawling through my bedroom window to let the paramedics in. I was catatonic and suicidal and they saw my self harm scars on my arms so it was signed sealed and delivered right then and there. I was in active alcohol addiction at that point too so I aggressively shrugged off my bipolar diagnosis. Then the second time, I had been in my (very tiny studio) apartment screaming "I want to die!" and "Please God just let me die" at the top of my lungs for about 4 hours so a neighbor called the cops on me. They brought in a social worker and I begged and pleaded with her to instead just sit with me until I calmed down or to let me go to my boyfriend's house instead of hospitalizing me because I knew I would lose my job. She hospitalized me anyways and I immediately lost my job and my apartment.
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I called 911 on myself because I couldn’t sedate myself with drugs. My mind was so overactive and intense I collapsed from laughing and crying at the same time. The emotions were so strong I was paralyzed. I had no idea what else to do to make the feelings stop.
i tried to be hospitalized when i was manic. asked my psychologist to admit me, called the hospitals in town and tried to self-admit. was denied over and over with claims that my insurance (medicaid) wouldn’t cover inpatient for mania and was only offered virtual outpatient. i crashed into severe depression, then a mixed episode, then began having panic attacks that made me want to die. five months after crashing from a 1.5-2yr mania i was finally able to self-admit. but by then my epilepsy had relapsed and my bp was running 180s/120s. i sought medical care via er first and but was sent to psych inpatient instead where my medical issues were ignored despite asking for help daily.
Jesus that’s awful. Also, u didn’t know episodes can last for that long!? 1.5-2yrs !!?
i didn’t either tbh. it was my longest and most destructive to date. it obliterated my life and i’m still trying my best to climb out of the hole i dug but despite my best efforts i’m sinking. i was on lithium+ the entire time, seeing psychiatrist and psychologist. they didn’t catch it. after my inpatient stay, my mixed episode continued for at least 7 mos despite weekly appts with psych np and psychologist. mood finally began to stabilize last summer once i was on about 10 meds. since that time my physical health declined/is declining sharply and i’m currently struggling to function in every way. i’m on the brink of losing custody of my son bc i don’t have any money to fight for him in court (his dad hasn’t paid child support in 2 yrs, 10k behind, but is suing *me* for full custody and child support); i’m not able to work enough to afford rent and utilities so am facing homelessness probably by august; my car is close to being repo’ed; i’m drowning in debt accrued during mania (spent <20k in cash and accrued >20k in debt); etc. thanks for listening to me vent. i’m so overwhelmed and hopeless but still seeking help, but everywhere i turn i only find closed doors.
I’m so sorry all of this is happening to you. Sending lots of love and support, rooting for you, and I’m sure you’ll get your son back soon! I believe in you!
Not extensive but just a few examples of strong beliefs... I believed gravity was malleable and that I could fly if I walked out a window I believed I needed to stop breathing and have my cells work through sheer force of will so I could become immortal I believed I needed to "die" in order to wake up from the matrix and reach true reality A relative of mine believed they could digest plastic and ate plastic items to prove this See how these are dangerous? And on top of that there's the unpredictability. Even if someone doesn't have obvious concerning beliefs like this, reality in psychosis is constantly shifting and they might have and act on really far-out beliefs in another day or even an hour.
Same! I was waiting for my favorite rapper to fly and meet me on the beach and show me how to fly. Then the next day I saw him with a cape flying towards me. That afternoon I taught myself how to breathe underwater and it worked. I swore I was able to generate heat from my palms. I tried touching someone and it worked.
One of the better explained posts on here. Well done. Couldn’t say it better myself.
Those are so scary and definitely SUPER dangerous. Thanks for educating me!
This is ALL so interesting because it’s similar to what happened to me. My next door neighbor turned into the hulk and started uppercutting men who I suspected of being child molesters into the sky. The night before I was a detective working on the biggie murder but he died in a different way. The police were really in my room though. I destroyed my apartment and all I could think was that I was on repeat. The next day I was waiting for President Trump to come to my apartment to fight for a bag of money. Other people(my neighbors) were actually playing along(I have NO idea why). And I was naked in my apartment for most of this. I’m so embarrassed and it was the worst day of my life but reading other people’s experiences it seems like normal for a bad manic episode. 7 days in the hospital NEVER AGAIN.
That’s so terrifying, and the fact that your neighbours were p,aging along must’ve messed with you so bad. Sorry that happened to you
I was involuntarily committed because I was naked in the street screaming at the top of my lungs about the devil. I was pretty incoherent and wasn't responding to questions so the police got me into an ambulance. For months before that incident, I thought the world was ending/transforming and I had some huge role in that. Like I was becoming some magical religious type of being who was sweeping in the age of Aquarius. I thought I could see angels and spirits influencing people. I thought I was supposed to be the conductor of the chorus of angels in heaven... I was raised Catholic but I'm not religious, my mania and psychosis were just very obsessively focused on religion. And leading up to the big naked screaming moment, every single thing had a meaning. If I saw a crow, or a number on a clock, or the moon... anything and everything had a foreboding meaning and I took it all really seriously. Despite being handcuffed to the bed for the first three days, I was treated really well... Though I don't remember much once I was at the hospital. Maybe they sedated me? I didn't remember much until I was transferred to a mental health center. I also lost like 50 lbs because I was barely eating or sleeping for months... Skinniest I've ever been and it was scary. I took way too much melatonin the night before the naked screaming... But if the naked screaming hadn't happened, I'm not sure if I would have been hospitalized. I had just started therapy and wasn't on medication yet but getting there.
HANDCUFFED TO YOUR BED 😨⁉️
Yeah I feel like that's pretty standard for the level I was at. I could barely form a coherent sentence but I was very aggressive and careless with my movements, I didn't hurt anyone but it was probably so a nurse didn't get smacked in the face accidentally. Plus it was involuntarily, I had to go before a judge to get out of the mental hospital. Seemed to have some similarities to getting arrested.
That’s actually so scary tho I’m glad you got help
I had complete psychosis, the president picked me up by arm on a helicopter and took me off to fight in a war. I had PTSD from a war that never happened. I was in my apartment the whole time. I woke up in a psych ward. I have since got back to stability. Mania is no joke. I could of hurt others or myself.
Is it possible to have ptsd from psychosis?
I'm not sure, but I never forgot it and pray it never happens again.
It was the height of the pandemic and I really lost it during the isolation. All of my self harm habits came back with a vengeance because no one has to see me. I had given myself two black eyes and when a friend saw me on a whim they heavily suggested I admit myself. I did within 24 hours after figuring out who would look over my cat. I was in the hospital for 13 days.
Stop the fact that you took care of your cat first breaks my heart in the best way 🥺
The pandemic really messed me up tho
Mine was for hypo-mania. It was directly prior to my diagnosis and I had started anti depressants for what I thought was depression. The anti depressants kicked me into hypo mania. I couldn't sleep. I was hell bent on hurting myself and came very close to stabbing myself (stabbed my couch at the last second instead) and I was struggling to keep myself from running into traffic or pouring boiling water on myself. I called for help at that point and a friend took me to the hospital. I was unable to maintain eye contact with anyone because I thought if I saw into their eyes I would see they weren't real and I was very afraid of being the only real person on earth. I was admitted to the hospital for a week while the anti depressants left my system and I left the hospital with a bipolar diagnosis.
Jesus those impulses sound awful. the feeling of having no control over yourself is so beyond scary, for me it’s like riding in the back seat watching a car crash waiting to happen. Just a few questions (you dont have to answer:) how do you know the difference between hypo mania and like full blown mania? I only know so much on this topic so I was wondering, for it to be considered “Mania” does it have to come with a form of psychosis, hallucinations, or confusion? I’m just trying to figure out the difference as it’s sort of confusing me. Also, when you said ‘called to get help,’ did you call a professional or the friend that took you to the hospital? One more question (sorry😭) but how do you know if you’re in / going into a manic / hypo manic episode? Like are there warning signs? I’m just trying to figure out the difference between the depressive episodes vs the manic episodes other than the VERY CLEAR mood level and energy level shifts. I just have been a bit confused lately because I thought that you could only self harm in a depressive episode, which looking back at it I now think is silly but I seriously thought that for a while and now I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that when in Mania / Hypomania it’s very common for Bipolars to hurt themselves or others. Does this come from loss of impulse control or psychosis or perhaps something else entirely. Sorry for all the questions but you seem super cool and interesting which is why I’m curious 🙂
1. How do you know the difference between hypo vs mania: I'm going to answer based on my personal experience and the information given to me by a psychiatrist the way I understood it. So take it all with a grain of salt. My psychiatrist called what I described experiencing in the past prior to beginning the anti depressants hypo mania. I have never gone into a "full manic" episode other than when it was spured on by the anti depressants. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 2. 2. Difference between mania and hypo mania: google says that hypo mania is a milder form of mania that typically lasts shorter periods of time. I think generally everyone's experience with mania can differ greatly. I think psychiatrists or doctors take into consideration duration, severity, and personal experiences when differentiating between the two. There are some decent websites out there that go into the differences. 3. I called a mental health help line at first and they talked me through either contacting a friend or calling 911 immediately. I was able to text a friend who was there to pick me up in 10 min and bring me to a hospital. I'm really fortunate to have a good support network in that sense. If I hadn't have been able to contact a friend I believe I would have called 911. Or someone would have eventually called 911 on me. 4. Warning signs of episode: I think this carried so much for everyone. For me personally I use a mood tracking app on my phone and try and track my well being that way. I spend a lot of time on the depressed side of things and I often find myself questioning if a "normal good day" is actually the start of hypomania. I also have to watch my personal triggers. If I'm not getting enough sleep, or if I use alcohol or other substances I have found I am way more likely to experience either a bout of deep depression or hypomania after so I try hard to stay away from alcohol now. I think the biggest warning sign for me is insomnia. If I find I haven't been sleeping for no apparent reasons for multiple nights, alarm bells start to go off. But sometimes people aren't able to identify or experience self awareness around their mania and I also have to rely on my support networks. I am a super private person irl so it was a really big thing for me to have to tell my family members and friends about it. But it helps keep me safe. 5. I'm not really sure where exactly the cause of self harm/self destruction fits in in mania and depression. That's a great question and there may already be some neat studies out there looking into it. I would guess that impulsivity plays a large piece of it in mania/hypo mania. Or the circumstances within psychosis a person is experiencing. For me some of the self harm piece was likely a need for grounding and the fear I was feeling at the time. Wishing you well on your learning journey!! Again, I only answered based on my own personal experiences and information I remember from my psychiatrist/health professionals.
This was one of the most helpful comments by far! Your journey sounds hard but I wish you the best! It’s not easy, but I know in the end it’ll be worth it :)
I was seeing things and hearing things that weren't real. I heard voices telling me to kill myself. I was 13 the first time. My parents didn't believe in medication so I was there for 2 weeks until the insurance ran out. Looking back on it, it was an extremely traumatic time of my life and I believe the stress I was under caused the psychotic break. These still occur as an adult if I'm under extremely stressful situations or undergo major life changes.
Did you get the diagnosis at 13 as well? I’m 14f and have am in the process of getting diagnosed but i dont know if they’ll diagnose me this young.
Yes, this was my first hospitalization where I was diagnosed.
i got hospitalized voluntarily back in April because i thought i was gonna die from a heart attack. Im 20 years old and had no prior diagnosis. During my episode before i called 911 i was awake for 7 days straight. My first couple days of mania were manageable and i had tons of energy but it was controllable and i realized i was acting out of character. The thing that pushed me over the edge was my mother randomly contacting me out of the blue and accusing me of drug abuse along with my sister. It instantly triggered paranoia because i dont even drink let alone do drugs. My mom and sister both told me over the phone that you "cant trust anyone in this world". That pushed me into a place that made sleep impossible so i called 911 and spent 2 weeks in the hospital. the whole experience was really fucked and ive fucked up a couple of my friendships because of it but at least i got a proper diagnosis, in much better health, and stayed working. I really wish this never happened to me and it only affirmed my reasons for staying away from my mother and sister. Also throughout that week i chased a patent and got my career settled and setup pretty nicely so at least it was productive. Just a shame the paranoia set in and i couldnt function at all.
In 2022 I had my bf take me to the ER in the middle of my first ever manic episode. I was manic for about a week before that, without realizing something was wrong. I just felt really great for once after dealing with depression for so long and had pulled off a really successful event at work so I thought I was just killing it at life and could literally do anything. This progressed into me realizing things about the universe and society and I ended up writing a long manifesto about how the world isn’t fair to anyone, at which point I read it back to myself and realized it wasn’t a good look. I then talked to a psychiatrist that I worked with and he advised me to hospitalize myself. I really didn’t want to go because the paranoia had set in by then but I am a neuroscientist by trade so that helped me convince myself that I needed to go. After I got checked into the hospital I went into full blown psychosis. I had extreme delusions of grandeur and paranoia and experienced auditory hallucinations. Tbh it felt like I was tripping on acid (not that I have ever done any kind of drugs before though but I imagine that’s what it feels like). I thought shooters were coming after me and my family for the things I thought I knew to be true and all kinds of other crazy conspiracies. I refused medication because of the paranoia. I was in this psychotic state for 3 days and did not sleep that whole time. They had my actual psychiatrist come down and check me out right after I got there and she was so surprised to see me like that. She had no idea I was bipolar (hence her prescription for me to take antidepressants). Finally a bed became available in the psych ward for me so they wheelchaired me there with a few security guards as my entourage (I guess because I was at risk of doing something unexpected/hurting myself). I was in the psych ward for a few days, nothing really happened, I mostly just chatted amongst the other patients and scribbled my nonsensical notes and lists and enjoyed the unlimited food we were allowed to order (especially their chocolate cake, my god it was so good). But because I had entered the hospital voluntarily they could not keep me there when I demanded to be released into the world. In general I was treated fine. Nothing super bad happened to me or anyone I met in the ward. All the doctors were nice and just wanted me to be safe/okay. I’ve been hospitalized a few times since then as well. Always mostly voluntary. I really don’t want to go back again, but my therapist tells me that people of our disease usually don’t wanna go in the first place anyways :)
That’s so scary, psychosis is no joke. It’s good that they treated you well tho. I hope you’re doing better, You seem really awesome!
I am doing much better thank you! It took a few years and things were hard for a while but I’m glad I’m still here and hope the better times last for a bit :) let me know if you have any other questions or ever need to talk!
Will do!
i impulsively jumped out of a car while mad. still don't exactly know what the thought process was there, lol
Lmao I have a super similar experience where was on leave from my psych ward and me and my family were out and i freaked out and was so convinced that my dad was lying to me and was a spy that I tried to jump out of a moving car and then managed to get out and run away to a park a while away from my house and my parents found me in the MALE BATHROOM (I’m a girl) and when I locked myself in a toilet cubicle they called the police and ambo on me. Had to get escorted hehe
I am diagnosed with BP1 with psychosis so my problem wasn't so much mania but the fact that I was seeing and feeling things that weren't real. I had been in-patient a couple times prior, but the final time I was committed involuntarily and force-fed medication for a year. I had been in a psychotic break for what seemed to be weeks. I was convinced the world was coming to an end - hearing voices, seeing things, reading into things....I even felt tactile hallucinations (people touching me and what felt like giant shocks in my sides). The night everything came to a head, I believed I was living on a military base about to be relocated for my family's safety. I was sitting in my room chain smoking, looking outside the window when I thought I saw people in my yard. I freaked out and got in my car. I tried to call 911 but was convinced the calls weren't going through....so I kept calling. Nothing gets you screwed quicker than calling 911 a hundred times... I was totally lost driving....could barely drive in a panic. I ended up at a Circle K (convienience store). It was about one in the morning and I was freaking out in the store, telling the guy working there that people were after me and I was suppose to be relocated.....He called the cops and when the cops got there they called an ambulance. I ended up in the ER where I was pretty much talking loudly for an eternity and seeing things out of the corners of my eyes. I can't explain it - they were like fish hooks sticking in the sides of my eyes...after that the doctor came in and I can't remember much until two days later when I woke up in the hospital restrained. Apparently, two nurses petitioned me to the psych ward and the court sided with them.....so I was forced to take meds for a year. The psych hospital was awful. They had me tied with my hands above my head, which is not the right way and illegal. I spent two days screaming in the "quiet room" about how they were a bunch of Nazi's and no better than Mengele. I also found it ironic as the nurses were complaining about being forced to get the Covid vaccine.....while I'm sitting there getting meds forceably shot in my ass.... After I was force fed the meds, I started to come out of it and just wanted to leave....so I complied. That was three years ago and the last time I was in one of those places. I'm still on my meds but a lot of that is mainly due to the length of time I've been on them (I'm scared to stop after three years because I don't know what will happen). I have been skeptical about my BP1 diagnoses because I don't normally have mania. I swell in depression. The psychotic part I can believe. I was in my mid 40's going through a rough time when all my problems with this infernal disease started....right in the middle of menopause. I think I've had four psychotic breaks....but been ok for three years now. My delusions always revolved around me "getting away" from my life. I even went through a period where I thought I was in the witness relocation program lol (gotta laugh).
That is honestly petrifying. The way the psych hospital treated you sounded honestly inhumane. When did you get your BP1 diagnosed? Also, how do you know if your upcoming on a psychotic break? Are there any warning signs?
The first time was a suicide attempted because I genuinely believed they thought I was better off dead, the second time most of aforementioned friends cut me off and I went into psychosis horribly to the point I almost went through with suicide again before calling my doctor near midnight. That was when I got my diagnosis because the inpatient doctor saw me manic finally. The event of losing my friends because of my years being unmediated hurts but slowly things are getting better.
I guess more a mixed state, I hadn't slept in days and was miserable,went to the ER because I was desperate and considering sleeping forever. Got shot full of haldol which did nothing and was transferred to a psych unit, don't really remember alot of that stay
Prescribed zoloft. Few weeks into taking it, felt amazing. Stayed up straight for like 3 or 4 days. Started having some hallucinations and going nuts in my apartment room. Thought I was dreaming. Basically my roommate got my mom to come and then she took me to the hospital. lol... diagnosed there.
crazy self harm, self sabotaging, excessive risky behaviors
I had a manic, turned psychotic episode and was having traumatizing hallucinations. I primarily have auditory and olafactory hallucinations, and they are not pleasant, to say the least. They are often terrifying. The final hallucinations I had were command hallucinations. I've never had those before. I actually told my spouse to call 911. I have moments of being very self-aware, which is a really good thing. I spent 10 days in hospital and was released. Im fortunate with my disorder as there is a quick dissent into the episode, and then I come out of them just as quickly. My psychiatrist mentioned that it is really good for my brain. I have been stable and medicated for the first time in my life and hope to never go back.
The first time I got it, it lasted sooo long because I didn’t know what it was. I checked in myself but they wouldn’t let me leave. I was having looping thoughts I couldn’t change. I thought I was being surveilled. I was hyper focused on only a few themes. In normal life, I never have recurring thoughts. It lasted a really long time and my brain didn’t recover for a really long time. Years. Forgot to add: cut myself, wanted to die, on REALLY wrong medication, didn’t sleep much, could barely eat, smoked a lot of weed, drank like a fish
"Grievously Disabled" is the third reason you can be held against your will after harm to yourself or others. Not many people know that but I do :/
Can you explain what that means? Like further in depth
It means when you are completely out of touch with reality. I was so lost in religious delusion I didn't even realize where they were taking me.
In summary: Messiah Complex. It all ended when the police caught up to me in a car chase. I remember this vividly, the officers came to my window and asked for license / registration and where I was going. I responded “officer, this is going to sound crazy but I’m going to save the world”. That’s when I was arrested and taken to the station. I was held for a bit and then transferred to a hospital. It started a year before, in 2014, when I experienced my first clinical depression which then became catatonic depression. I was a breathing corpse for several months. Trying the standard antidepressants is a painful process since A. Not everyone responds to every medication and B. Even if you do respond, it takes at least a month to start seeing results. After trying several, the magic bullet was Zoloft. It slowly pulled me out and then gradually led me to hypomania > hypermania > psychosis. Hypomania was great, all of a sudden “naturally” I had the energy to do daily hour runs. Music *felt* wonderful. Then came ideas and writing. I dove deep into psychology and philosophy and joined online groups and posted theories I had about different aspects of life, ranging from God to ethics to science. The deeper I got, the more I became convinced that I have an ability to understand more than the average human and that I somehow tapped in to a higher plane of reality. Then came the hypermania. Now I started implementing my ideas in to reality. For example, I was convinced that the ability of the body to heal and regenerate itself while asleep was simply activated by a low heart rate. If I could get my heart to that rate and still be awake, I would have no need to sleep. I set up a makeshift temple with candles, essential oils, and played certain types of music. I still got some actual shuteye but maybe around an hour or two at most. Then came the psychosis. Now I had full blown superpowers. I can speak directly to someone in a way that nobody around us can hear except the person I’m talking to. I believed that like a radio wave / frequency I can speak on a certain wave / frequency that’s custom to the ear of the person I’m talking to. Next, I can jump and depending on the force of impact, like a butterfly effect I can cause the heart of a criminal somewhere across the globe to stop and they would immediately die. Next, I can use the electric current from my heart to start a fire or power electric devices. There’s more but at the moment these are the ones I can remember. Eventually I became convinced I was the messiah but first I had to rid the world of enough evil and only then will I be revealed to the world. At this point I started driving very fast. Thankfully this occurred mostly late at night. I believed that I can change all the traffic lights to green as soon as I approached them no matter how fast I drove. Fast forward to the police chase. On one night, while driving fast, I hit a center divider and thought my wheel popped so immediately I decided I can’t brake because then I will lose control and probably cause a bad accident. So I decided in a split second to cut in a side street and gradually slow down until I came to a complete stop. That is when I noticed the blue and red lights behind me. I didn’t even realize I was being chased. By now you know what happened next. To add more context, in my upbringing I was taught about historical religious leaders that were all put in prison at one point in their lives (unjustly) so that’s why from the moment my interaction with the police began I was at complete ease, because that was my final sign that I’m imminently going to be announced to the world. I was actually happy. When processing at the station, I fixated on the shoes of the people around me and saw a complete rainbow of colors. I thought that like by the story of Noah, this was another sign I was in good hands. I then was transferred to a hospital where up until the heavy doses of antipsychotics took effect I believed that the other patients were able to see I was actually the messiah but now it might be game over. The system won. I was going to be sucked back down to “this dimension” and my true identity will be forgotten until the end of time.
That’s.. oh my god
I found signs all over that was connected to the fibonacci sequence, so I figured out that I had to meet God by offing myself
Intensity Mania Happiness Misery Pple use all three to describe mania. So who else is manic? What? Is stoicism back in style? Laugh out loud. Misfit philosophy joke. Nothing scares me about the human spectrum of emotions. Friend it, process it, accept myself and what's left to be extreme or worried about? If you are too happy, mania. Too intense, mania. Depressed from life wiping the floor with me/you -- not victim related, it's reality. Reality , the stigma of infirmity or mental unfitness or failure to thrive...haha, I say to professionals, "can't be too happy because it's mannniia so I'll just stay intense and nerve-racking. Call me too happy, yeah because being alive is good enough for me At times mania is a gaslight. Duck pple that use "uuurrrr manic" as a accusation. Harness mania as a super power. Extreme energy? Put it to use,clean house. Trouble leaving bed? Baby step it: sit on edge of bed, slowly rise, stand for a few minutes and get your bearings, then slowly make it to the hallway, stand there, don't give up, now walk to bathroom. Don't give up. Stand. Lean against wall for a few minutes. No going back to bed. Even if it takes 20+ of standing,stand, then if it hurts, it's ok to sob or cry to the bathroom, hug self for getting down hallway THEN, start water, brush teeth, even if it takes me 40 mins for what should be 5-15 mins slowly shower, try to learn how to enjoy spa time: freshness, water comfort, dressing, quick clean up of bathroom. Tell yourself a quick rinse off will rinse away a mood or difficulty. I know it's not expansive but reader's digest version. Thank you subreddit for being here for me. I read a important post at Genx on wot or walls of text, I was so happy to sit and read with my notebook and journal and learn about the thread and how to rethink how to write or how to communicate but I can't help it I don't want to write lost text but I don't know how to explain anything succinctly I try to do readers digest version. Then I learned what pple think or how they react. I needed that empathy training to understand how WOT are actually received, I'm sorry, I can change. but communications are difficult for me, I want to use my art or music to speak I don't like English, or trying or communicating, too diffuser. I wish I could shut it all down, no more words, of course I'm not serious. But sometimes, confusion is the game, it's how pple are; confused, muddled, conflicted. Funny that no one ever says that a person is conflicted they just call them manic as if they were a physician themselves. One of my favorite lines (institutional digs) is a nursing home or excuse from an emergency room when I or dad needed help doctor saying that I have psychomotor retardation and I wrote that as one of my labels I like that. In this world you will meet good doctors and clinicians and sometimes you will meet a few duds, don't let the duds or the goof ups in their industry discourage you from medical Care . keep seeking medical Care with the right therapist or the right doctor, never give up on yourself and never give up on your medical care. don't worry about the labels, stigmas don't matter and
This was actually super educational 🫶 Also a few follow up questions, . Why is being “manic” used as an accusation or an insult? .(this is kind of a silly question but I’m kind of new to reddit) so did my original post create the subreddit or is r/bipolar the subreddit?
My worst manic episode was about 10 years ago. The hypomania had been building up for a long time and exploded when I climbed onto the desk of my psychiatrist's office and kicked the window. My psychiatrist and nurse dragged me down and I punched the window which smashed and slashed my arm. My nurse dragged me onto the floor while my psychiatrist pressed the emergency button. Because the office was so far away from the rest of the team it took them ages to get there. In the meantime I was struggling with all my might to get up and every time I very nearly did my psychiatrist screamed as she was just standing there watching this all unfolding. Eventually other people arrived and three people lay on top of me to keep me down. Blood was everywhere. As is standard in my country they called the police to hold me until they sorted out a bed in hospital. In the police cell with those anti rip smock I smashed my head against the concrete wall until they strapped me to a chair. While I was restrained they stitched up my wounds. Got taken to the psych ICU where I took all my clothes off and kept smashing my head against the wall. Whenever that would happen they would restrain me and sedate me with an injection. The oral olanzapine wasn't doing anything but the injections helped, so they gave me a high dose that was long acting which helped a lot. I get a rare type of psychosis which is called disorganised with no delusions or hallucinations. My thoughts get so jumbled that I just scream word salad, and have a completely different affect every 30 seconds. Like singing and dancing, then on all doors screaming for death, then trying to seduce a cop, then just screaming and tearing chunks of my hair out, then sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor who saw me at the police station said "I haven't seen someone this manic in a long time". I got several different concussions from the head banging but I was too agitated for a CT scan so they neurological exams on me every hour to check I didn't have an obvious brain bleed. It took 20 days to recover enough to go home. Overall I was treated extremely well, and I'm extremely grateful for everyone who helped me. I'm also so glad that the explosion into full blown mania happened where it did and not somewhere like out on the street. For anyone who hasn't been transported in a police car while mentally ill, they handcuff you can put you in the back seat, then push and recline the front passenger seat so you're pinned to the seat and can't move at all. The nurse who dragged me to the floor had to take three days off work because her muscles were so sore. She was the hero that day. Throughout this whole thing I have crystal clear memory. I also have a consciousness behind the mania where I'm aware of what's happening and that I'm manic but have absolutely no control over myself. Like being on the craziest, wildest ride I could ever imagine.
That’s an insane story. I bet being in that safe and secure trained medical environment helped a lot, when you were surrounded by people there to support you. How did you get diagnosed with that kind of psychosis / mania? Because that sounds uncomfortably familiar. What was it called again? Disorganised psychosis? Whatever it’s called it’s terrifying, and im sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like your doing a lot better now :)
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I was hospitalized for mania at 17 after four days of mania including crippling anxiety, feeling like I needed to go somewhere else (not sure where), elated, hyper sexuality (very uncommon for me especially at the time), and I spent so much money that week I had no savings left. I couldn’t take it after four days I had stayed home from school as well and I decided to go to the ER with my mom because I was feeling very suicidal. There i actually got sectioned due to “insurance” and I got diagnosed w Bipolar 1. I had a decent experience although it made me want to go back for years afterwards because to me it was a way to forget everything although I didn’t like a lot of the rules there. My second experience at a mental hospital was when I was 21 and I had a much worse experience that time haha.