Ask her how she would like it if she was told she had to wait 2 hours for her next sip of water when she's thirsty. Breast milk is not just meal, it's hydration and snack too. No adult looks at the clock and says "ugh, I have to wait another hour before I can take another drink".
My opinion, if ignoring someone or passively handling (like your husband did) doesn’t work and you are getting annoyed, triggered, frustrated etc by it- you are better off taking a clear and direct approach so that you can preserve your own sanity and not have this snowball into more of it. “We heard you the first time you provided this unsolicited advice. Can you please stop repeating it? If we want your feedback or advice, I promise you we will ask but I would respectfully request you stop now”
Thanks, I have such a hard time standing up to her, I’m always desperate to keep the peace, but I’m absolutely losing it inside. I know being more direct would probably be helpful, thanks for the script!!
Maybe you can text her then so you at least say your piece. People will take things how they take them, that's not within your control. You could word things absolutely perfectly but if she's going to be offended then she's going to be offended. This is more about setting your boundary and saying your piece. "MIL we appreciated that you love LO and are very invested in them, however we do not want opinions on how we are feeding LO. What we are doing is advised by our pediatrician and it is working for us. We no longer want to discuss it. We enjoy your visits and would like them to continue, however if you continue to bring up feeding schedules we will need to have some distance."
Yeah, this is not OK. As hard as it is to speak up, o try to remind myself I would want me child to speak up for themselves and so I am gonna be a good role model. Easier said that done
Look this type of person - it isn't going to be just about breastfeeding. This will be an ongoing challenge unless husband has a more direct conversation with her.
I think people forget babies literally had whatever they needed at all times in the womb. 6 weeks out is a drop in the bucket to their 9-10 months in. They’re BABIES. ❤️
She is so wrong it’s not even funny. Your baby is 6 weeks old for Christ sake.
Edit to add: My 5 month old doesn’t even have a “schedule” yet. I feed her when she’s hungry. Period.
Tell her to stfu?
Or politely tell her to stfu?
“I’m going by my doctors recommendation as they have a medical degree and are up to date on the most recent studies. There are new recommendations because we have learned more, and by the time I’m a grandmother they will have changed again. Please stay in your lane”.
I hear you, and I’m the same with my parents. It’s hard for him for whatever reason. Him standing up to her at all has been huge, I should probably affirm and encourage him to continue then it can get more firm
Hopefully your husband will deal with her as it is easier for people to deal with their own family and be firmer. Depends how polite you want to be, how reasonable she is/what it will take to shut her up. You/he could just say 'OK thanks' or 'thanks for sharing' whenever she says it and continue ignoring her. You could literally ignore her and not respond when she says it. You could try explaining the supply and demand behind breastfeeding. If you want to be less polite
'Doctors don't recommend that anymore'
'We won't be doing that'
'You can do that for your next baby then'
'You've mentioned this before. We are not interested'
'What makes you more qualified than a doctor?'
I think grandparents can want babies on a schedule so they can look after them and hog them. My mother and my in laws would say thinks like oh she can't be hungry again when my baby was a newborn because she didn't want to stop holding her. I'd just remove her from their arms and feed her because she's my second and I don't have time for that shit any more. It is harder to assert yourself with your first and people thinking they know better. He's your baby you feed him how suits you both.
I do think back in their day they didn't have as much access to information re breastfeeding so if you're feeling charitable you could explain it to her. My MIL said she had to feed all her babies rice cereal at 6 weeks because they got too hungry being breastfed which is sad because she obviously wasn't given the support or information to help her understand growth spurts and cluster feeding. My mother formula fed and is really weird about breast feeding. It might be generational. It does sound like she's being unreasonably persistent though and possibly not simply ill informed.
Thanks for the response!! I definitely think some has to do with her wanting to hog him. I experienced multiple miscarriages before he this pregnancy, so I’ve been having a hard time even letting her hold him. I feel very protective over my baby and she’s expressed she wishes that I got joy from others holding him rather than feeling like it’s a loss. She wants more time with him, but this unsolicited advice isn’t getting her anywhere.
I'm so sorry for your losses. She doesn't sound very considerate. You carried him for all of those months it's not surprising you don't want to hand him over to others immediately.
So I work with a lot of people like this who think they know better than the experts in the room. Over the years I found you can take one of two approaches to various degrees of effect.
1) try to explain to them why an expert is an expert and educate them. - This works only if the person is willing to be educated. You quickly will know who that is after the first time you try. Going back to this and over explaining yourself will not yield results. It will only open up more opportunities for the non-expert to add their 2 cents.
2) shut it down politely but without a path for them to continue weaseling in. - “I can see you really care about this matter. I’m happy that you care enough to provide feedback. We hear you and understand where it’s coming from. We are going to proceed with our original plans but will let you know if anything changes. Thanks again!”
So you validate that they are heard and values (90% of what that person wants to be honest) then shut it down without any opportunity for comeback.
Don’t ask “is that ok?” Or “what do you think?” Etc etc. just thank you, heard you, will proceed a different way.
Edit: they will still try to bug you but it’s so much less energy from you to keep it short and polite and eventually their will to butt in will go away. I promise.
I appreciate #2 as #1 can lead to further argument since experts aren’t always right (pediatricians don’t generally learn all that much about breastfeeding, the leading breastfeeding experts explain in books like, ‘Unlatched,’ or, ‘Tongue Tied’)
Number 2 is empathetic and firm at once, I will be tucking away your script for future use. My MIL is like OP’s and happens to be a Physician’s Assistant so she feels qualified in that way. She’s all about schedules and discouraged me from working to breastfeed after my son’s tongue and lip ties made it difficult. We’re almost 5mo in now and if I couldn’t nurse my baby, I don’t think I’d be enjoying being a mother as much. The dishes, the disconnect, less sleep, more stressed out baby… she said to me multiple times, ‘No one’s gonna give you a medal [for breastfeeding]’ and, ‘formula/bottles are fine!’ and asked my husband after her 3day visit when baby was ~3weeks old, ‘What’s with [me and my mom] holding him All the Time??’ She’d hold the baby for a few minutes and put him in a swing or bouncy seat or lay him in the bassinet. But at that point, my mom was still with me and my husband was still home and she was there so it was like, why wouldn’t someone hold him?? He’s awake, interacting with us is hard wiring his brain! She just makes me shake my head.
Edited cause I just learned that putting the # at the beginning of a paragraph makes the paragraph giant/bold! Lol
My 18 month old (next week) doesn't even have a schedule 🤣 I mean I'll be 40 later this year and *I* don't even have a schedule so why TF would I make my baby have one instead of learning to listen to her body now? Listen to her hunger on her own so that she's less likely to have issues with food later on in life like I did?
I see that lots have given good suggestions for how to deal with it, just saying, on demand worked wonders for every one of my children 18m-20y 💗
"that might have been the advice when you were raising kids, but more research has been done and this is what Drs and scientists say is best now, based on that research. Just as you weren't giving your child mercury to cure diarrhea, we won't be putting our baby on a feeding schedule"
I hate this shit. My baby was born at 6 lb 7 oz and dropped to 5 lb 14 oz. I was trying to feed her as much as she would allow, often every hour, and MY MOM STILL MADE COMMENTS ABOUT HOLDING HER OFF FOR 3 HOURs!! (Ps- I did great and she’s a squishy 10 month old, still breastfeeding). Anyway, how to deal? Stand your ground and do your thing. Tell her you’re doing things your way. Or use one of these snarky comebacks others have suggested that I love.
It’s common sense. Baby has needs, baby cries/wakes. Baby has needs fulfilled, baby settles. The need could just be you holding them.
Imagine how traumatic it would be for this baby who doesn’t understand schedules, who was fed on demand in the womb, to be left waiting because it hadn’t been 3hrs or whatever yet.
I can only imagine the trauma your husband may have gone through. Babies who are left to cry it out don’t stop the crying because of the training/schedule, they stop because they realise no one is coming. It causes long-term damage in terms of their independence and trust in others.
The fact that your baby is having a nice, long stretch at night already means you’re doing great. Baby is fed well and enough to last them longer at night.
The problem is, you can tell a narcissistic person all these points above and they still think they know better. She’s had her time as a mother, now it’s yours. Tell her the relationship she has with her grandchild only needs to be based on love. She doesn’t have any medical or caring duties. I also wouldn’t let her babysit. She’ll likely ignore your words and do it her way.
Absolutely, the cry it out hurts my heart I can’t even imagine! One whimper from my baby and I’m there to soothe, I can’t handle him being in need and not being there. My MIL claims none of her babies cried 🙄🙄🙄
Of course they didn’t! Her babies were perfect! 🙄 She probably couldn’t hear them because she was blasting music to drown them out.
If she always compares it back to her made-up experience, just say that every baby and every mother’s journey is different. It’s not a one size fits all scenario and doctors prescribe different advice for each baby. So her advice worked for her, and yours works for you. There shouldn’t be any further discussion.
Your husband needs to tell her that the baby’s schedule isn’t a topic up for discussion and then if MIL continues to bring it up he has to remind her that you won’t be discussing it with her.
So frustrating. I think you need to reinforce the boundary and next time follow up with consequences.
Led by your husband: “Hey mom, we’ve asked you nicely. While we appreciate your desire to help, please stop bringing it up.”
Then next time if she does it again, as she probably will, “hey, remember how we asked you to stop bringing this up? Please respect our wishes, otherwise we’ll have to XYZ” - something like take a break from communication for a few days/weeks, limit visits, etc.
Hope it gets better for you soon, OP! Keep doing what you know is best!
Ask her how she would like it if she was told she had to wait 2 hours for her next sip of water when she's thirsty. Breast milk is not just meal, it's hydration and snack too. No adult looks at the clock and says "ugh, I have to wait another hour before I can take another drink".
That’s a good thought, I wasn’t thinking about hydration!
Especially with summer coming
And it is comfort too! If I ask my husband for comfort and he told me I had to wait until a scheduled time I’d be mighty upset too!
So true!!!
If she persisted everytime she went to take a drink I'd be like "sorry you can't. It's not time for your next drink."
My opinion, if ignoring someone or passively handling (like your husband did) doesn’t work and you are getting annoyed, triggered, frustrated etc by it- you are better off taking a clear and direct approach so that you can preserve your own sanity and not have this snowball into more of it. “We heard you the first time you provided this unsolicited advice. Can you please stop repeating it? If we want your feedback or advice, I promise you we will ask but I would respectfully request you stop now”
Thanks, I have such a hard time standing up to her, I’m always desperate to keep the peace, but I’m absolutely losing it inside. I know being more direct would probably be helpful, thanks for the script!!
Maybe you can text her then so you at least say your piece. People will take things how they take them, that's not within your control. You could word things absolutely perfectly but if she's going to be offended then she's going to be offended. This is more about setting your boundary and saying your piece. "MIL we appreciated that you love LO and are very invested in them, however we do not want opinions on how we are feeding LO. What we are doing is advised by our pediatrician and it is working for us. We no longer want to discuss it. We enjoy your visits and would like them to continue, however if you continue to bring up feeding schedules we will need to have some distance."
This is a great script, thank you!!
Yeah, this is not OK. As hard as it is to speak up, o try to remind myself I would want me child to speak up for themselves and so I am gonna be a good role model. Easier said that done
Look this type of person - it isn't going to be just about breastfeeding. This will be an ongoing challenge unless husband has a more direct conversation with her.
You’re totally right, this is in a lot of aspects of our life.
I think people forget babies literally had whatever they needed at all times in the womb. 6 weeks out is a drop in the bucket to their 9-10 months in. They’re BABIES. ❤️
She is so wrong it’s not even funny. Your baby is 6 weeks old for Christ sake. Edit to add: My 5 month old doesn’t even have a “schedule” yet. I feed her when she’s hungry. Period.
Tell her to stfu? Or politely tell her to stfu? “I’m going by my doctors recommendation as they have a medical degree and are up to date on the most recent studies. There are new recommendations because we have learned more, and by the time I’m a grandmother they will have changed again. Please stay in your lane”.
Love this lol
Your husband needs to be more blunt. Mine was radical and just reduced communication until she understood go cut it out
Exactly, if it was my mom, I’d talk harsh, if she would insist with something. If it was the MIL, I’d tell my husband to make her stop.
I hear you, and I’m the same with my parents. It’s hard for him for whatever reason. Him standing up to her at all has been huge, I should probably affirm and encourage him to continue then it can get more firm
Hopefully your husband will deal with her as it is easier for people to deal with their own family and be firmer. Depends how polite you want to be, how reasonable she is/what it will take to shut her up. You/he could just say 'OK thanks' or 'thanks for sharing' whenever she says it and continue ignoring her. You could literally ignore her and not respond when she says it. You could try explaining the supply and demand behind breastfeeding. If you want to be less polite 'Doctors don't recommend that anymore' 'We won't be doing that' 'You can do that for your next baby then' 'You've mentioned this before. We are not interested' 'What makes you more qualified than a doctor?' I think grandparents can want babies on a schedule so they can look after them and hog them. My mother and my in laws would say thinks like oh she can't be hungry again when my baby was a newborn because she didn't want to stop holding her. I'd just remove her from their arms and feed her because she's my second and I don't have time for that shit any more. It is harder to assert yourself with your first and people thinking they know better. He's your baby you feed him how suits you both. I do think back in their day they didn't have as much access to information re breastfeeding so if you're feeling charitable you could explain it to her. My MIL said she had to feed all her babies rice cereal at 6 weeks because they got too hungry being breastfed which is sad because she obviously wasn't given the support or information to help her understand growth spurts and cluster feeding. My mother formula fed and is really weird about breast feeding. It might be generational. It does sound like she's being unreasonably persistent though and possibly not simply ill informed.
Thanks for the response!! I definitely think some has to do with her wanting to hog him. I experienced multiple miscarriages before he this pregnancy, so I’ve been having a hard time even letting her hold him. I feel very protective over my baby and she’s expressed she wishes that I got joy from others holding him rather than feeling like it’s a loss. She wants more time with him, but this unsolicited advice isn’t getting her anywhere.
I'm so sorry for your losses. She doesn't sound very considerate. You carried him for all of those months it's not surprising you don't want to hand him over to others immediately.
Crikey this is long and rambling. I'm trapped with my nipple in a sleeping baby's mouth sorry for the essay.
So I work with a lot of people like this who think they know better than the experts in the room. Over the years I found you can take one of two approaches to various degrees of effect. 1) try to explain to them why an expert is an expert and educate them. - This works only if the person is willing to be educated. You quickly will know who that is after the first time you try. Going back to this and over explaining yourself will not yield results. It will only open up more opportunities for the non-expert to add their 2 cents. 2) shut it down politely but without a path for them to continue weaseling in. - “I can see you really care about this matter. I’m happy that you care enough to provide feedback. We hear you and understand where it’s coming from. We are going to proceed with our original plans but will let you know if anything changes. Thanks again!” So you validate that they are heard and values (90% of what that person wants to be honest) then shut it down without any opportunity for comeback. Don’t ask “is that ok?” Or “what do you think?” Etc etc. just thank you, heard you, will proceed a different way. Edit: they will still try to bug you but it’s so much less energy from you to keep it short and polite and eventually their will to butt in will go away. I promise.
I appreciate #2 as #1 can lead to further argument since experts aren’t always right (pediatricians don’t generally learn all that much about breastfeeding, the leading breastfeeding experts explain in books like, ‘Unlatched,’ or, ‘Tongue Tied’) Number 2 is empathetic and firm at once, I will be tucking away your script for future use. My MIL is like OP’s and happens to be a Physician’s Assistant so she feels qualified in that way. She’s all about schedules and discouraged me from working to breastfeed after my son’s tongue and lip ties made it difficult. We’re almost 5mo in now and if I couldn’t nurse my baby, I don’t think I’d be enjoying being a mother as much. The dishes, the disconnect, less sleep, more stressed out baby… she said to me multiple times, ‘No one’s gonna give you a medal [for breastfeeding]’ and, ‘formula/bottles are fine!’ and asked my husband after her 3day visit when baby was ~3weeks old, ‘What’s with [me and my mom] holding him All the Time??’ She’d hold the baby for a few minutes and put him in a swing or bouncy seat or lay him in the bassinet. But at that point, my mom was still with me and my husband was still home and she was there so it was like, why wouldn’t someone hold him?? He’s awake, interacting with us is hard wiring his brain! She just makes me shake my head. Edited cause I just learned that putting the # at the beginning of a paragraph makes the paragraph giant/bold! Lol
My 18 month old (next week) doesn't even have a schedule 🤣 I mean I'll be 40 later this year and *I* don't even have a schedule so why TF would I make my baby have one instead of learning to listen to her body now? Listen to her hunger on her own so that she's less likely to have issues with food later on in life like I did? I see that lots have given good suggestions for how to deal with it, just saying, on demand worked wonders for every one of my children 18m-20y 💗
Tell her that you and your pediatrician are happy with what you're doing and leave it at that. If she continues, keep telling her that.
"that might have been the advice when you were raising kids, but more research has been done and this is what Drs and scientists say is best now, based on that research. Just as you weren't giving your child mercury to cure diarrhea, we won't be putting our baby on a feeding schedule"
Love this
I hate this shit. My baby was born at 6 lb 7 oz and dropped to 5 lb 14 oz. I was trying to feed her as much as she would allow, often every hour, and MY MOM STILL MADE COMMENTS ABOUT HOLDING HER OFF FOR 3 HOURs!! (Ps- I did great and she’s a squishy 10 month old, still breastfeeding). Anyway, how to deal? Stand your ground and do your thing. Tell her you’re doing things your way. Or use one of these snarky comebacks others have suggested that I love.
Your husband needs to set boundaries with her and tell her to stop bringing this up. Keep feeding your baby on demand.
Thank you!!
It’s common sense. Baby has needs, baby cries/wakes. Baby has needs fulfilled, baby settles. The need could just be you holding them. Imagine how traumatic it would be for this baby who doesn’t understand schedules, who was fed on demand in the womb, to be left waiting because it hadn’t been 3hrs or whatever yet. I can only imagine the trauma your husband may have gone through. Babies who are left to cry it out don’t stop the crying because of the training/schedule, they stop because they realise no one is coming. It causes long-term damage in terms of their independence and trust in others. The fact that your baby is having a nice, long stretch at night already means you’re doing great. Baby is fed well and enough to last them longer at night. The problem is, you can tell a narcissistic person all these points above and they still think they know better. She’s had her time as a mother, now it’s yours. Tell her the relationship she has with her grandchild only needs to be based on love. She doesn’t have any medical or caring duties. I also wouldn’t let her babysit. She’ll likely ignore your words and do it her way.
Absolutely, the cry it out hurts my heart I can’t even imagine! One whimper from my baby and I’m there to soothe, I can’t handle him being in need and not being there. My MIL claims none of her babies cried 🙄🙄🙄
Of course they didn’t! Her babies were perfect! 🙄 She probably couldn’t hear them because she was blasting music to drown them out. If she always compares it back to her made-up experience, just say that every baby and every mother’s journey is different. It’s not a one size fits all scenario and doctors prescribe different advice for each baby. So her advice worked for her, and yours works for you. There shouldn’t be any further discussion.
Your husband needs to tell her that the baby’s schedule isn’t a topic up for discussion and then if MIL continues to bring it up he has to remind her that you won’t be discussing it with her.
So frustrating. I think you need to reinforce the boundary and next time follow up with consequences. Led by your husband: “Hey mom, we’ve asked you nicely. While we appreciate your desire to help, please stop bringing it up.” Then next time if she does it again, as she probably will, “hey, remember how we asked you to stop bringing this up? Please respect our wishes, otherwise we’ll have to XYZ” - something like take a break from communication for a few days/weeks, limit visits, etc. Hope it gets better for you soon, OP! Keep doing what you know is best!