Get a trailer, take the boy with you some of the time. Bring toys and snacks. You might not be able to go very fast or far, but it will build his love for cycling and spending time with you. Plus all the extra weight and resistance will build your legs. It won't be that long before you he is riding his own bike, trying to race you.
And your wife will appreciate some time alone and won't get so miffed at you taking a ride on your own.
This right here. I get to spend time with my kids, give my wife a break, and I feel like I’m going from 50cc to 150cc Mario Kart when I ride without the trailer. No downsides.
I do a 37 mile loop a couple times a week pulling a 45lb kiddo in a trailer.
Kid has a blast. I get a workout.
You don't realize how much work pulling 60+ lbs of extra dead weight up a hill is, until you do it.
I just sold my trailer in preparation for our move and am driving everywhere.
I feel like I'm going f*cking insane because I'm used to getting on my bike every two hours and having a fun little ride to reset my stress to zero.
I keep thinking "is this what the rest of the world deals with? Is this why drivers are always so angry?"
Yes. I go a bit mad if I haven’t been on the bike for a few days. And yes, those aggro drivers just have years of pent up frustration, and every traffic jam just adds to it daily.
I’d recommend a Kids Ride Shotgun seat over the trailer. Not saying your experience will be the same, but our girl got bored in the trailer after 15 minutes and she’ll do 3 hours on the shotgun seat and love it. I also much prefer it, and we talk about stuff and she is much more involved in the whole bike ride. My brother in law has had the same experience with their little guy
That one looks pretty terrifying! We had one that was a full seat and had a pad on the front so the kid could fall asleep. It was great for long rides - wife did 60 miles with him once.
Nah, not terrifying at all. It’s much more secure and stable than you’d think, and it’s way easier to ride safely with it than with a trailer out behind you. She sits when she’s tired, stands when she wants to goof off and be a part of the ride. I’ve got close to 100 hours of riding with her on the bike, and 20 of those hours are on real trails
Can second this. Ran into the same problem as OP, bought a shotgun seat and now I take my toddler mountain biking with me. You can still ride some somewhat gnarly stuff with it on (though no jumps or drops obviously), good to focus on technique as you're trying to smooth out the ride as much as possible, and it's good fun for both of us!
> won't get so miffed at you taking a ride on your own
Or, you invite her to come with and everyone does a family thing together. If pulling the trailer doesn't equalize you enough, get her an ebike.
Trailer is a great option. That’s what I did and it was a great way for me to get exercise, kid gets to relax and enjoy the ride, and the wife gets time alone.
Plus if you get him really excited about it it won't be long before you can teach him to ride his own bike! My daughter learned at nearly 3 because she was so motivated to ride with me!
She may or may not appreciate the time alone. Some mates are very clingy. I also had an SO who resented me cycling. Unfortunately it became an insurmountable issue. If OP’s wife’s problem is that she’s insecure, no pieces of advice on here are going to fix that. But your idea of a trailer is absolutely worth trying.
This is what I do. I have a jogging stroller and a trailer.
It’s great for exercise and you get to spend time with the kids. It also gives my wife a break.
This...get your boy on a balance bike immediately!! He's ready...mine was peddling by 3 no training wheels...balance bike, then buy him real a bike and take the pedals off and let him push it like a balance bike for a week...screw the pedals on and he will never look back! As a father you are going to put in a few years where it "ain't about you" but if you can get you son to fall in love with the same shit you love, it's all worth while. I hauled my son around in a seat, then a trailer then with a tandem hook up. It's 9 years later and right now I'm hauling the 13 year old lab in the trailer and having lunch in the park with my son, who loves to ride (and my wife is home on the couch while my son and I are spending the afternoon together!)
There are a lot of nuances not noted. For example, when you go for a ride is the ride 1 or 8 hours? Big difference here.
Exercise is great but how much time does your wife have for exercise? Or to dabble in her vice?
Parenting is all about sacrifice at the younger ages. Seems like your wife may be getting burned out.
Try to come to an agreement that you each have 4 hours (or whatever # you choose) a week for your vices. You get 4 hours and she gets 4 hours. That seems fair.
I think you nailed it, if there is already a responsibility/relationship imbalance she's resenting then that's the reason for her frustration. So I think making sure responsibilities and child duties are divided evenly, and then carving out equal time for personal pursuits.
> Try to come to an agreement that you each have 4 hours (or whatever # you choose) a week for your vices. You get 4 hours and she gets 4 hours. That seems fair.
This is the most common compromise I've seen in my club, 3-6h of riding Saturday, balanced out with the partner getting their time Sunday. Start early enough to still do family activities or errands after.
To the top with this.
Hey, /u/StoicApostle86 ? This kind of thing is usually a relationship issue that manifests as resentment and stress when a partner feels like their partner isn't picking up their fair share of housework, parenting and division of labor before personal time.
I don't know what your situation is like, and I'm not the best at articulating these things, and this is not an accusation.
But this kind of resentment of healthy hobbies or activities almost always means that one partner is feeling overwhelmed that they aren't getting enough time off themselves, or that important household things aren't getting done and prioritized first.
You can start by asking (and actively, deeply listening and understanding) what your partners needs are. Or if there are things they would like help with before you take time off to go ride, etc.
This is also something that couple's counseling or therapy is for. You don't even need to have a "problem" to use counseling/therapy as a tool. You can proactively use it as a tool to make relationships and partnerships even better the same exact way you might take a bike into a shop for a pro tuneup for optimal performance and experience.
You probably need to have a healthy, open dialog with your partner about any missing needs and actually listen and be ready to accept criticism about what you can proactively do to strengthen your partnership.
This might mean she needs her own alone time and time off. Or it might mean hitting up the to do lists. Or it might mean she wants to feel more appreciated and you guys both need more relationship time. It can be a lot of things.
But this kind of resentment is usually a sign that something needs at least a little work.
Yes and they should also make sure they’re balancing the mental load. Cycling tends to be sort of an obsessive research hobby.
Most women I know are doing 95% of the mental load— notices from the daycare, keeping diapers stocked, making sure the kid has tor right size and season of clothes, planning meaningful family time, scheduling appointments. If she feels like she can’t handle one more piece of analysis while she sees him dedicate tons of brain space to researching bike parts, that might be driving part of the resentment.
It’s not just the hours of riding she resents, it’s the freedom to spend so much mental energy on it.
Yeah, OP basically said "my wife never has enough time to leave, but on the off chance she has time I encourage her" that really... makes it sound like he goes out 10x for every 1x she goes out.
She doesn't have to go out to relax either. If when he's home she's still the primary caregiver of course she's going to be resentful. *Going out* shouldn't be the only time she gets off from being a parent. She should be having equivalent hours off already, where she relaxes at home and the kid is 100% the dad's responsibility. I suspect if for every hour he went riding she got an hour off at home the problem would be solved...
Yes , seems like wife just want normal human attention or rather not compete with a hobby for attention . This has I watch sports all the time even at dinner whats wrong energy .
I used to have my bike in my room. My wife (girlfriend at the time) asked me deadpan style if I want her to sleep on the couch and bring my bike to the bed.
She's a keeper
"What the effortlessly smooth and precise electronic shifting taught me about our relationship is that my love for you is something that will never need adjustment. It will be as strong in the future as it is now."
The bike isn't the issue. the wife not being empathetic for your individual needs is the problem.
Plenty of people have had this issue, but the sticking point could be anything, concerts, video games, hiking, gym, cars, etc. but it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is you have a healthy hobby which for some reason is not being supported.
I'd recommend a sit down when tempers are low, and see if you both can communicate the core issue. Don't focus on bikes, focus on marital needs. Does she agree with every relationship expert on the planet that healthy individual hobbies are good for the marriage? If not, you've got a big problem and should seek a therapist. However maybe she agrees and understands that part, but she feels like other marriage needs are neglected, so every time you bike it feels like kicking the can down the road on things she needs so you can take care of yourself. In this case she needs to be able to clearly voice her needs. Then maybe set up a weekly sit down where you're seeing how both people are feeling about these issues.
I had a wife who was unable to voice her needs. So I'd get completely caught off guard by "huge issues" arising because of my minimal hobbies. The hobbies weren't the issue, the issue was she felt like she needed things she wasn't getting. But because she never told me I couldn't help her.
Since that failed I made it a rule to just have constant and open communication about everything, and life has become so much easier
Agreed, except for the "the wife not being empathetic for your individual needs is the problem" part because there's a failure of communication and empathy for needs on both sides of the equation here clearly...
Cycling for exercise can entail being away for hours at a time. With a young son, both spouses working full-time jobs, and OP admitting that the wife doesn't have any sort of regular hobby (i.e. has even less recreation time than OP), I do wonder if the wife is just generally resentful of an imbalance of free time and the failure of OP to choose to spend time with her/the kid when there is "free time." As to OP's point about being supportive about girls' nights, I'm guessing OP also occasionally goes out with the guys and does "something" from time to time so this is hardly the proof of good will he thinks it is. (Also, are these "somethings" actually recreational or are they things OP might perceive as fun but feel like chores to the wife, e.g. shopping for gifts for Christmas, especially for his family, or necessary clothes? Not all women find shopping fun.)
I'd like to hear more about what's the context around "when I find a little time to get away on a ride" because it sounds like it could be that he disappears for half a day on the weekend when they don't have anything actively planned and thus when they might have spent time together as a family or when the wife could have gotten a break from taking care of the kid if he did daddy-kid time (with what I assume is the primary childcare role if this household is like many others). How often does he initiate family time or daddy-kid time events during these "free time" periods versus insisting on biking away from the family?
There are compromise solutions that exist and that OP should consider once he and his wife talk about the root cause. If we're correct and it's about priorities and not biking, he could take the kid out in a Burley. I know that's what my dad did when I was 2. Yes, OP may have to bike for a shorter period than he might want, but with a juice box and a snack, he can get exercise and both he and the kid can have a great time. The wife can get a (presumably much-needed) break and everyone wins. But when by focusing on a "lack of empathy" from a party that sounds like gets even less recreation time than OP, you're in danger of digging a much deeper hole for yourself in a relationship.
I suspect r/ladycyclists would have been a better place to ask if OP wanted real advice that balances a love of cycling/getting OP's desire to get out for a ride but also, you know, also an understanding of the wife's likely reality. General cycling forums tend to be packed with single men...
The problem isn't just that your wife is not understanding your needs. My guess is your wife has a problem allowing herself AND you any needs, wishes, fun. She has to come to see that she is allowed a life and so are you, even if you have a son. Your son doesn't benefit from parents who give up everything for their child. It doesn't make them better parents. Quite the opposite.
Spoken by the cycling therapist.
Don’t forget to load up on a couple post-ride beers with your buds before you head back. A little liquid courage will give you confidence and dull the pain a little when finally have to face her (;
My wife didn’t like it when I was ultra marathon training and that was pretty fair, I was never around. I got hurt, got sick, ballooned up to 330lbs almost died in an accident picked up cycling. Being an obsessive idiot I ride a lot and I do it on Zwift. She works in the basement on stuff for her business, I ride. Sometimes we talk, sometimes I ride like I’m killing myself and don’t talk much but we are near each other and it’s nice for both of us.
Well I’m 6’4 and have never been small. Body was poisoning itself for 10years, misdiagnosed by drs and medicated wrong. I pieced everything together myself from my lab work, then had to argue with drs to get tested. I was right, 2 days later I was ejected at 65mph and broke my skull, arm, shoulder,ribs, spine, and crushed my pelvis. Picked up cycling after rehab trained from learning to walk again to riding 200 miles. It’s been a journey.
This sounds nice… my issue is of the hundreds of sessions I’ve done on my trainer, whether a VO2, zone 2 etc etc she’s never once popped in and shown a slight interest.
Yep! Seems the issue is not about cycling and there will be an issue regardless of the hobby. Expecting your SO to get a hobby that keeps him close to you is unfair and gross...
My wife doesn’t expect much, she’s the go getter. She is happy I’m alive and what I’m doing now, works better than what I did before. If being around my best friend while I do something I love is gross, call me Miles Davis!
Yeah, watching you huff and puff on the bike is not that interesting, trust me. Something that helps me a lot is to just not be that serious. Doing 2 hours of zone 2 and she asks if you want to see the flower arrangement she made? Get off the bike, get out of your zone and go look. If you really want to dedicate the time, you need to have a real, genuine, sitdown to talk about it seriously and be willing to hear her out if she says she doesn't like that. Personally, I'll never run a 2:30 marathon if I want to maximize her happiness and that's OK(me not running fast, not her being unhappy.)
Ok? She doesn’t need to be interested in your hobbies as long as you are provided reasonable space and time to pursue them. Operative word being *reasonable*.
Therapy time.
My wife annoys the fuck out of me if I'm around. Meaning she wants to be around me and wants to engage with me.
I tend to do the same.
Of course we have plenty of time we ignore each other as well. Probably not healthy or productive but it happens.
It's pretty much never the activity itself.
Resentment comes from some sort of unmet need on her end. She's struggling with something, which leads to her thinking, "I wish he'd forget about the bike and help me with ____ instead."
Talk it over until you figure out the blank and some win/win solutions to attack it.
My situation wasn't as stressful as OPs but there was definitely some "oh you're going to ride _again_?" times But then we reconnected her with horse riding and traded off times and all the tension dissipated.
Tl;Dr work to find something she likes or wants to do solo and then trade off "covering" for each other.
It might be a neglected hobby, but it could just as easily be a togetherness thing, neglected chores, or even something mundane like sleeping in. Best to just talk to her with an open mind.
How involved are you in the day-to-day of the household? Has there ever been a conversation revolving around the balance of daily "chores"?
I'm not accusing you of being a lazy husband, but is it possible that she feels as if she does the work, but then you leave on a bike for a few hours? That was my experience, she felt slighted because everything had to be done when I went riding. It couldn't wait until I got back.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I do all of the cleaning, most of the laundry, all of the DIY but then I’m happy to, my wife does a bulk of the cooking and my son is very difficult with me when I try to put him to bed but he’s happy I do everything else. Clearly I’m serving military and spend a fair bit of time away from them which I find emotionally hard but then when I get back I’m clearing the back log of chores. I just like riding my bike to exercise, clear my head and have something I’m in control of.
Bike trailer, and take the youngin' along? Gets you out on a ride, and you'll work harder (more endorphins) and she gets a break as well? If you need a new bike to pull the kiddo, that could be a win-win-win.
Kids Ride Shotgun. Mine is serving kid #2 and will be there for #3 when she’s old enough.
One of the best purchases I’ve ever made. I actually should have gotten the nicer Pro version.
This is the way. Those early years are difficult, but a bike trailer was a god send for us: I got a ride, my kid got a great nap (the bumps lull them to sleep), and my wife got a break. Buy the best one you can; you'll be able to sell it for 70% of its value when you're done with it.
I mean You said it right there in the body of your message. You spend a fair bit of time away. So she is holding the fort alone. Is there anyway you could enlist help so she gets some time to herself when you are away?
Your wife operates as a single parent while you're away, right, if you're on active duty? It's great that you do the bulk of the cleaning, laundry, and DIY, but it sounds like she's still doing the rest of the childcare and cooking, so I'd say you're roughly at an even split at that point when you're home imagining (edit: typo) the 2yos I babysat for. So she's at 100% when you're away and 50-50-ish when you're home. During the small amount of time you have with your family, you then choose to go away for hours at a time rather than say, take your kid with you in a Burley or choose an exercise activity you all can do together, at which point she might be back to 100% if there's urgent laundry, cleaning, etc. Perhaps you can see how that would feel unfair and like you're placing your needs above the family's.
While recreation is important and I'm glad you've found your thing, if your marriage and family is also important to you, you may want to talk to your wife about that and brainstorm ways you can both spend time with them and get your exercise. Because it sounds like she has zero time for recreation. The "somethings" you mention that you're supportive of may or may not be recreational (e.g. many husbands think shopping for their families for holidays would be recreational but many wives think of it as a chore). Resentment will continue to grow unless you can work as a team to figure this out. You both have stressful jobs and a stressful young child. Sometimes you won't have time for the recreation that you want right now and will have to work together to comprise--shorter rides, rides with the kid, a different activity with all of you that still fills the need for exercise, etc. But when that kid is older things will change.
For the better on my relationship, I essentially hung up my bike for about 4 years. When my kids were old enough that they'd sleep in, I finally started riding again and get all or most of it done while everyone sleeps. I get on the bike at 5:30 to 6:00 am and try to be home by 7:30. So I get my exercise/fun but don't add any burden to anyone else at home.
It doesn’t make sense that you say you do all the cleaning and laundry, and in the next breath say you’re serving military and gone a lot. Maybe there’s a back log when you get home but she is a single parent when you’re not there, and doing everything 24/7.
You need to ensure that for every hour you claim for cycling, she receives equal leisure time. Not that “if she ever wants to do xyz, I support her”. No. It’s “hey hon, I’m taking kiddo to the park, then I will do nap time and clean up the house today. Would you rather stay home for some down time or go out?” You may have to insist she takes a break, she probably struggles to remember how to stop being a mom for even a few hours.
How many hours per week are you cycling? If the answer is above 10, it’s not going to be doable without you personally arranging for childcare so you can both receive a well deserved break. You will need to call a babysitter or schedule regular daycare so she can have equal leisure time.
Otherwise, yeah. I get it. You also don’t mention that she probably misses YOU a lot, and wants you involved in your kids life. I imagine she feels like you’re never home, and when you are there, you’re just dying to leave to get on your bike. Like she can’t count on you to be there because you’re itching to go ride bikes every second you get a chance. So I think you also need to discuss with her how many hours per week are reasonable and come to an agreement with a schedule in place so she knows when to expect you to be there, and when she can expect a break as well.
If you're away for large stretches of time, then you aren't really doing "all of the cleaning". You're only doing all of the cleaning when you're home. But it sounds like your wife feels overwhelmed...especially during those times you are away and doing those chores when your home isn't enough to make up for that.
Some thoughts: make sure your wife isn't suffering from post-partum depression.
Trying doing your bike rides early in the morning. If you start at 6:00am you can do a 4-hr ride and still be home well before noon to spend the rest of the day caring for your child.
I struggled immensely when my husband would bike when we had littles. Part of it was fear of him being hurt and no life insurance. I recall military getting life insurance so I doubt that’s an issue for you.
I wonder how often you initiate dates with your wife? Another area is chores outside the home like the yard. It can be difficult to feel like a husband sees time with their wife is important. It can make us resent his cycling because he’s always thinking about it and making sure he rides, but not putting nearly the same amount of effort into us. And, it’s no fun to do all exterior work by yourself or have to wait until you’re available during the hottest part of the day.
Like everyone else has said, it’s not cycling that’s the problem. She has a need(s) that isn’t being met. I would address figuring that out and not make the topic cycling.
And how much time do the 2 of you spend quality time together? She very well could feel like you're choosing cycling over spending time with her, depending on how much time you're spending on the bike.
This is about quality time. If your duty day is all over the place then it makes it worse. To her all she see’s is the minute you have some white space you are running off to go do your hobby.
I’m the wife whose husband cycles. We both work demanding jobs, and his can have him working long hours that leaves a lot of the childcare and housework to me during the week. I also sometimes bring work home, as I work in education and have paperwork to get done after the kids get to bed. I didn’t resent my husband’s cycling, it was about the amount of time it took. He would go on long weekend rides, so essentially he was out of commission the entire day while I was with our two young kids. So it gave us essentially one day together, and usually it was filled with getting prepared for the week. Although, he would tell me I’m free to go do my own thing, it wasn’t true as things in the household need to get done and it was difficult getting that done with two young kids in tow. So it was about finding a balance. He modified his riding schedule and I scheduled my own alone time to ensure I got the breaks too. I did get a bike also, and we do ride as a family occasionally but it’s not the same training he desires and he too needs his alone time. Now that our kids are elementary school aged, it’s all good. Just that juggling of our two toddlers was tough. Our oldest now enjoys riding with dad, so that is becoming a bonding experience for them and I love seeing it. Hope you two can find the balance.
I *promise* you it's not actually the cycling.
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife. My guess is you're both operating under very different assumptions about how much free time the other one has and how they spend it etc.
You need the sub called new parents or something like that.
Your boy is very young and needs a lot of attention from his parents. Your wife is probably not so happy that you still get to enjoy your hobby and is just bit exhausted from being a new mom.
As always, have you tried to talk to her about it?
You aren't going to hear it here, but cycling is an obnoxious hobby to partners who aren't into it, VERY time intensive. Especially partners who have to parent while you are away for long stretches for work.
How many hours a week are you cycling? Give her at least that much time to spend how she likes - with friends, resting alone, spa, or with you.
If you are giving her equal time and she is still upset, then see a counsellor. But I guaranfuckingtee she isn't getting the same as you now.
I experienced something very similar. It really peaked a few months after I got home from a deployment. It was always like you just got home why are you rushing to leave again. A 2 hour bike ride would turn into a fight. The issue wasnt that she didn't want me to be happy or do my hobby it was she was overwhelmed and didn't know how to express it so she reacted by being upset at any "voluntary" time I was spending away from the family.
There is something that she needs or wants but hasn't articulated it and is instead lashing out about the bike.
What my wife really wanted was an extended period of time where she wasn't responsible for anyone or anything.
Therapy.
There is some kind of communication barrier happening. And obviously you have tried to navigate it the best you can. But you two need to work out some kind of balance of taking care of your relationship, your kid, careers, and your hobbies.
As a wife who tends to just do the hobbies that her husband is doing because I honestly don't know what the hell I WANT to do, I get where she may be coming from with the not having hobbies. She could be overwhelmed with everything else in life and could feel guilty for not spending enough time on the other things. Which again is why I mention therapy because those need to be worked through and it can be fucking hard.
Also I found out that I actually like biking because I got a pretty pink bike and my husband bribes me with food. Maybe you can try that too.
How much do you look after your boy? Do you do as much house chore as your wife, if not more? I'm asking because your wife may be right to get upset if you don't share as much child-rearing and home care duties as she feels you need to. The key here is, how much does SHE think you (should) do, as opposed to how much YOU think you (should) do.
My wife and I have a daughter who's about to turn 4. I work from home, and my wife is a part-time preschool teacher. I spend almost all my time with the daughter before she goes to preschool and after she comes home. That leaves little time for me to cycle, but working from home I can at least get out during lunch break for a quick ride. And my wife doesn't mind my doing a longer ride once or twice a month on the weekend.
I'd suggest you sit down with your wife and figure out what she's really upset about, and how you can help her feel better about your being out occassionally.
Good luck!
If your wife was to go out and leave you solo with your child as much as you leave her to ride, how would you feel about it?
I go riding early mornings to reduce the burden on my family. I only get to go for a 3 hour plus ride once a month. When you have a family, compromise is essential.
I heard from a therapist recently that oftentimes resentment arises if you feel like you've been giving more of yourself (talking about your wife here) than you're able to. I don't think the solution is for you to give up cycling, but I wonder if you're not meeting your wife's expectations for your relationship and family and feels like she needs to pick up some slack. That's between you two.
I don’t see you mention why she is upset when you ride. Have you talked about it? Are you leaving her alone for 5 hours and then coming home and staring at strava on the toilet while she takes care of everything? Is she nervous about your safety now that you have a child? For me it used to be him getting a text from a buddy to ride in 20 minutes and he starts running around throwing on his things and disappears for the day. So, I guess I’m on my own with the baby AGAIN and we aren’t cleaning the house today like we planned? After many discussions about how he has a family and can’t up and leave with no notice, he has set weekly rides, will ask VERY nicely if one comes up and say no if I ask him to, and we don’t fight about cycling anymore.
I had the same issue. My wife found it hard to cope with our 2 kids. I shortened my cycles and left really early in the morning for a bike ride, often 6.30am. I was then home by 11.30 at the latest with the day ahead of us.
Our kids are teenagers now, so no issues, but I often leave the house super early
This has been my best option. My wife doesn’t hate my cycling she hates when it occupies all of the day. My solution has been to wake up 3 hours earlier than her and be back before she’s even ready for breakfast. She tolerates my longer rides on the weekends so long as I have communicated the time commitment previously.
Yup. Organizing and planning will help alleviate a lot of the difficulty. For me, often I find that the time I was going to dedicate does actually get in the way of doing all the other things. When will you mop the floor? Will the dog get walked? That thing you forgot? Above all, being honest and reliable. Your ride was supposed to be done by 2? You better be home and showered; not sweating on the couch cooling off for 20 more minutes. Very individual, but the strategy has worked for me.
I have an uncle who was really into cycling when my cousins were young, and just so happened to live about 100 miles away from my grandparents. So my aunt would drive the kids up to grandma and grandpa’s and my uncle would ride his bike (he’d leave earlier) and get there a little later. Worked out great for everyone.
Is she getting alone time? Maybe she is frustrated cause you have something and she doesn’t. Maybe offer her a spa day. Make sure she gets time for herself. But also make sure you two are making time for just the two of you.
Dont feel bad for your hobby its okay!
This is not related to cycling. Can’t be solved with buying anything new. Can’t be solved by selling anything or by stopping to ride. Any of these will only make it worse.
This is a relationship issue: you both need to communicate. Go to therapy if you need to, and that’s for both of you. It’s difficult but for sure it’s doable.
Good luck.
I had a sexual relationship with a married woman in the past. And once I brought forward the question how she managed the fact her being married yet doing all this stuff with me. She said and I quote: "He plays basketball with his friends every week.".
You're trying to live the American dad model, using free time for a hobby and leaving the kids with mom.
This only works if there are grandparents. As military, there usually aren't grandparents.
I struggle with this as well, same situation as you but more kids. I had to give up riding and find a hobby that was doable after bedtime. Time for fitness doesn't exist outside duty hours because the kids need everything leftover. And if you get early release, you should probably go home and help mom.
Only chance for riding is bike commuting, which may or may not be an option depending on your base.
My advice is get up mega early and fit your ride in. I have two kids and set my alarm each morning at 4:50am to do a Z2 indoors on the weekdays and at the weekend leave the house at 6am and go out for 4 hrs and then spend the day with the family. I try to ride to where we are visiting so I can combine my cycle and family time.
Make space for her to do some fitness/hobby/social time with friends out of the house. Then you’re making space for each other. Or do super early mornings before the fam wakes up.
I try to fit cycling in around things we already do. Let me explain…
We meet up at her parent’s house for family dinners twice a week. Since my parents in law pick my 4 yr old up from school during the weekdays, I just ride my bike to the family dinners and stick an extra shirt in my jersey pocket. When my wife gets off work, we all meet up at her parents’ place.
Sunday brunch at a restaurant 20 miles away? I’ll just bike there and leave an hour+ before, getting there around the same time and having a change of clothes in her car if needed.
Meet up at her friend’s house to have the kids play together? “I’ll meet you there in 45 minutes.”
This way it doesn’t really take away much time from your duties as a husband and planning new routes/destinations is fun.
My wife would be more upset if I didn’t ride my bike often as it was really pricey, so long as it didn’t interfere much with our parenting duties. This way if I ever upgrade to a high end sirvelo, colmago, bianche, glant, specializer, or trak, she won’t have any issues.
The struggle is real my man. It’s rough when it’s cold but I’ve found getting up super early in the morning so I’m home for the majority of the day is a decent compromise. On weekends at least. Weekdays are more challenging.
I am a casual bike dude but serious surfer. Same vibes from my wife when my kids were young. Ended up just getting up so early that I was back by the time the day started getting going. Basically sunrise in the water and then put in a couple hours. I also always came home with a hot drink or treat or something;)
Agree on the relationship and communication angle. Couples therapy could really help.
I ride a lot, we both work full time, and I am an equal co-parent for our son. My wife knows that cycling keeps me healthy - body and mind - and makes me happy, so she gives me the time to do it. Equally I give her time to be alone and read (her way to decompress), or to go to Pilates classes or book events. Either way it requires us to always communicate our plans/needs and to be flexible, it helps that we share calendars (we can see each other's Google calendars). I end doing most of my weekday rides on the trainer, squeezing in an interval session when I can, and then I usually do a 3-4 hour ride one of the weekend mornings - she gets the other to do what she wants.
Sharing my opinion as I’m currently in a similar situation but my husband is into football. I’m a stay at home and I work from home. I don’t have outdoor hobbies anymore like I used to. Your wife need to have time for herself too. The same way you have time for cycling. Even if she doesn’t do anything, she need to have time for herself only, without your kid, just for herself. The weight load for a woman is larger and heavy on mental than it is for man because the baby will naturally need his mom more (feed bonding etc.). That’s why she need to have time off to puts out the stress or at least not be under stress for few hours otherwise it is « unfair » for her to have no time off while you have some through cycling. She needs to have her time off from her role as a mom/wife and her role at work even if she doesn’t have hobbies yet. It’s not about her getting it or understanding you or her finding a hobbie, it’s about having the space for her to be just her, not a mom or a wife or a worker. People saying it’s a relationship issue, it’s not. It’s just about balancing roles. Even if her time is going outside alone for a coffee, read a book or whatever or even do nothing, she needs to be out. She doesn’t need to have a hobbie to have access to that time, she needs time for herself too even if it’s to do nothing.
Good luck guys you can do it! ❤️
I’ve been going through this my last five years. 1. I shortened my rides to less than an hour 2. I try and do them at times that don’t affect her as much. I don’t leave her in the morning, when I used to ride.
I never thought I’d be down with a 10 miler, but taking what I can get. If you find time just take it, even if it’s not part of your routine.
Do something to include all of you guys…
family time bro !!! take your wife out of the house, girls after birth are very fragile, emotional damage stuff
2y - 6y are the hardest years to get away and as a Dad I would recommend to not to. Those years never come back.
1 to 1.5 hour rides early in the morning were my thing. Carmichael's *Time Crunched Cyclist* was my program. One 3 hour ride a week...again early for me was better.
The other thing that is hard to get back as you get older is fitness. Fuck the idea of dad bods. Neither one of you want to be in a place when one is image conscious or not confident.
4 or 5 hours of life maintenance per week is not at all too much to ask. When the kids are older and you look ten years younger than your age you'll both be happy you maintained.
Or your next partner will be.
This feels one sided. Why does she feel this way? Is she sacrificing a lot to take care of your young son? How much time do you give to cycling? How much time does this keep you from keeping house together? How much time do you and her actually have for other things?
My thought, though this may not be your situation, is that women often give a huge sacrifice when they have kids, especially when the kids are young. Lots of responsibility falls on the women to take care of kids, keep house clean, etc, and if remaining responsibilities fall to your wife, especially when you go cycling, this could be the cause of resentment.
If the resentment seems truly one sided after household chores are split 50/50, you have an issue bigger than Reddit and couples therapy may be beneficial to get to the route of the issue.
I bike around 8-10 hours per week and have 2-3 weight lifting sessions, full time job (I also work weekends often, though I do work from home). I have 2 kids, one newborn and a 2 year old. My gf doesn't resent my cycling training, we plan around it every week. We'll sit down and look at the household stuff that needs to get done, delegate appropriately, so that we have as much time with the kids as possible, and can also get the things done we need to get done for ourselves and our hobbies. During weekdays, this often means that I have to get up at 4:30am so that I can hop on the bike and be back by 7:00am. I also like to have one 4+ hour ride per week, and every other week one 6+ hour ride.
How do we manage this with 2 kids, house chores, work and everything? Plan. Plan. Plan.
When I'm out for a long ride, we usually plan it so that my gf has some extra hands during those hours, for example grandparents visiting, or friends, or playdates and whatnot. It works really well for us like that.
When that's not possible, I get up super early so that I can be back and help out and also have most of the rest of the day to spend with the family. (Albeit, I never sacrifice on sleep, so if I get up early, I go to bed early). Evenings are sacred to us, as that's the only us-time we have throughout the day, so I basically always make sure that from 8pm, I'm 100% hers.
I don't think your wife resents you going on a ride. Or at least it's not the actual reason and she just doesn't know how to communicate what she actually feels. It's something else she's resenting. For example, she might feel like you're going out while there's still x y and z thing left to do around the house that you didn't do/notice. It's really just a matter of communication. It's the pillar that holds all relationships afloat, good, solid communication.
You shouldn't resent each other's hobbies or resent each other's anything really. I mean, I grow chillies in my office, and it smells like dirt and looks like a home made weed farm. Does she like it? No, but she realizes it's a hobby of mine. So we sat down and talked about how we could make it work to be the least annoying for her, but also possible for me. We both compromised.
Anyways, I've been rambling for so long I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. So the TL;DR: she doesn't resent your cycling, she resents something else that gets compromised because of it. You have to communicate with her about it. Honestly, she should've communicated it with you in the first place. But might not want to feel like a burden for you to do what you need to do.
So when does she get to go away and spend free time for a few hours while you take care of the kid? You need to create the time and space for her first.
My husband does a lot of distance cycling- he is very clear when he is doing a long ride (so I can plan my life) and often will ask my in-laws if they want to hang out with our daughter on those long days for at least a little bit. He is really considerate to get me some alone time and it lets my in-laws build a good relationship with our daughter.
Also- he often rides with our daughter, or sometimes he rides early so it doesn’t take up our whole day. I don’t mind single parenting for a bit, but he often goes early and brings back lunch or breakfast so we still have time together as a family. He also often does Zwift in the evenings while I read or swim or do my thing.
It’s not the cycling that bothers your wife. She isn’t having her needs met in some way. The fact that she doesn’t have a hobby likely means she hasn’t had time to cultivate one in any meaningful way. Talk to her and ask her how you can support her while you stay healthy doing your thing.
As others have said, take the kid with you.
And/or, set up a schedule for the family so that everyone can plan - she knows in advance when you will be home and when you will be out, and you put time in there for her to have time for herself. Having the opportunity to plan ahead is awesome.
Also the when of it is important... if your hobby means she is always on kid duty weekend mornings and never gets to sleep in if that's what she wants to do, it sucks. If you're "accommodating and encouraging" but only on a schedule that works for you - e.g. making time for her to go out on Thursday night when she's already tired and has to work in the morning - that isn't terribly helpful either.
Sorry if that seems harsh, but I have my own bad experience with an ex who claimed to be "accommodating and encouraging" so it's hard not to be suspicious... I have friends as well who have partners involved in time-consuming hobbies like marathon training which means weekends are basically consumed by long runs + needing to recover from long runs, and they struggle to find the balance of being supportive without being taken for granted
I'm the cyclist in my family, but fit it into daily life (e.g. commuting to work) rather than letting it take time away from family. My ex would have said he was "accommodating and encouraging" but generally that meant saying "you should go out" at 9 at night when I was already half asleep, and if I said "hey there's a thing I want to do on x day" inevitably he would end up "working late" that day which would prevent me from going due to childcare.
Trailer sucked, I did it for 5 years in hilly countryside, but it is great for resistance training. Better was that it made them interested in using a trail-a-bike which was awesome. Still resistance training but a lot less drag. End result, I got to spend just over 3 hours riding 40 miles with 2900' of climbing with my 13yo this morning in a gravel ride. She beat me by about 10sec, 47yo 280lb dads aren't meant to climb that much, but we came in 14th and 15th out of 47 people. She finished at the back of 4 other guys who were all impressed by it. Monday after school I can grab the 11yo and take her MTBing for a good 2 hours, and thurs I'll take them all, I have 3, to the velodrome to test out the new track bike before they start training with their team. Start them early, don't make them suffer, and make sure that the more involved they get the better the bikes they get. Mom just rolls her eyes when the new bikes come but she appreciates the hours each week when she is free of all of us. And sometimes she joins in too.
Exercise isn't a vice. That's a healthy thing to do both physically and mentally. You've got to find time obviously for your family but you and your wife should both have alone time from eachother and the kid even if it's only a little bit. You have to appreciate eachothers company and support, not resent it.
Those assholes don't seem to understand that BCJ is a quarantine zone for their shitty behaviors. I wish the mods would take the time to check their post history when they get a report and booth those shitheads.
Your only hobby right now is taking care of your kids. Don't resent it, enjoy it. In 15 years they won't want you around and you'll have plenty of time for cycling. (Source: kids are in college, I have plenty of time for cycling)
This will be best solved with a couples therapist honestly. From the info here, your desire to ride sounds reasonable (I’m a woman fwiw). However, we don’t have all the information — are you doing equal amounts of chores around the house and with your kid? Did childbirth leave her body very changed?
If you stop cycling, you’re going to resent her for cutting off the stress release you have. It will create new problems because they will come out one way or another.
She also needs to be more than just mom. Some women need more encouragement to do this. It’s easy to get lost in motherhood and not even know how to find yourself again.
Maybe she feels like she’s trying to hoard time for the family before you’re gone for training or deployments? But also…..military spouses can be really shitty influences, so maybe she’s getting bad advice from other wives.
Find a good couples therapist and/or suggest you each do some therapy on your own.
I saw a dad on a road bike pulling two kids on a trailer yesterday. But over here it is all bike paths, so there is zero to none traffic risk.
….
My youngest is 9 years old. My wife also doesn’t appreciate whenever I leave on longer bike rides.
YMMV.
If you're putting in this much effort as a parent yet feel the need to call cycling a "vice," there's a serious issue.
If it's not taking you away from your responsibilities, and it's both a way to improve your health and to de-stress, what kind of partner wouldn't want those things for their other half?
Does she get an equal amount of time to herself if she needs it? If so, relationship therapy would be something to consider.
Not saying this is exactly your situation, it sounds like you do a lot for the household, but I think this NYT article did a good job showing what the other side of the equation looks like when one partner has an active hobby and the other doesn’t. This was focused on marathon runners, but I could imagine it would apply to cycling, especially if you are training for races and hyper focused on stats.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/21/style/marathon-training-relationships.html
Get a bike attachment and take the kid with you. But also.. she needs to tkw time to herself. She resents you because she isnt getting time to herself.
is she able to get out and do something for herself while you stay home? If not, a) she needs that and b) you need to encourage that yourself. She needs an outlet too
Source: father of four, 4yrs old and under who pushed my wife for two years, TWO YEARS to get out on her own to do something she enjoys, and now she does and she feels amazing AND doesn't make a fuss when I want to do something too
A lot of people are saying your wife is a problem here. That is not going to sort the issue at hand.
The issue is expectations. You need to talk with your wife and find out what she's finding hard, and move forward with that. But also your own worries about what cutting or stopping will do to you.
If your wife has no hobbies, it may be she feels like she has no time spare to have hobbies, she's just to stressed doing all the stuff she feels she needs to do, or even just remembering and thinking about all the stuff she needs to do.
Once you've had a really good chat about expectations and how you both manage them together, your wife might be still unsure about what to do. Be proactive: try and think about what she liked to do before kids, or on vacation, and maybe set aside time for her.
I had a bit of therapy when I basically stopped riding when my 3rd kid was born and work got busier, and my therapist told me, whatever you end up doing will feel hard, you'll feel guilty for maybe two or three weeks, but it'll get better.
I generally do a half hour minimum most days on the home trainer, and an hour or two on the weekends, then I can do the odd race still. One day I'll be able to do more and be faster.
My wife goes swimming early every sunday morning for an hour. She felt bad the first few times, and worried everything was too crazy when she got back,but it's got better.
Is she struggling with something? Feeling overwhelmed? She may be taking it out on your cycling because she’s feeling overwhelmed by something. Example: needing help with your son getting ready for bed. Or doing the dishes or cleaning up a room for her?
Brother, this is so familiar. What I find is some of this can be fixed with better time management and planning. For example, if the first my wife hears I am going to ride is Sunday morning when I walk out the door, then it's a fight or guilt ridden ride. But, if we have planned out the week and I perhaps did the kids games or pick ups/drop offs then it's usually all good. It's when one of us feels like the other is leaving them all the stuff to do. If no amount of "Honey, this is important to me..." good, frank talk helps.....then go riding while she thinks you're working.
> when I find a little time to get away on a ride
Be honest, here: How much time a week are you bicycling? Including suiting up, stripping down, and if you need a second shower after the ride. How much time a week are you out of commission as a co-parent due to cycling?
An hour or two a week? Eight hours a week? Those are two very different numbers.
Um, take the boy with you.
I have a 10yo granddaughter- some of my fondest memories are the two of us off on a ride (her on a tagalong) when she was under 6yo.
>It’s my only vice
It’s not a vice mate. It’s exercise, and it’s vitally important for physical and mental health.
As others have said this is not a cycling question. The only advice I have is make sure you’re creating time and space for your wife to look after herself too, in whatever form that might take (running, gym, yoga class etc..)
How long are your rides?
When my kids were that young there is no chance I could have went out for 2 hour bike rides. You said yourself that you do the cleaning and laundry- that already takes up a lot of free time. She might want you all to have more fun together.
When my kids were young I was pretty much exclusively training indoors - I would get up at 5am so it didn’t interfere with family time. Peloton is great for that but anything will do.
I have a lot of friends that play golf - I don’t know how they have the time for that - especially when their kids were young. My wife would’ve probably killed me if I said I was leaving every Saturday for five hours - but also I like being around the fam. So you kinda gotta figure out what will work for you… at some point I’d like to play golf - I’ve had a CC membership for 15 years and never been on the course. Maybe one day… lol
Best of luck to you.
Your family has to come first and you have to find time for your hobbies that doesn't interfere with your responsibilities. I've been there. My kids are now 7, 13, and 15 and I just walked in from 51 minutes on Zwift in the garage at lunch while my wife was at the gym. The next workout is going to be an 8mi run this evening when I take my older daughter to soccer practice. The one after that is going to be tomorrow morning when I take my 15yo son to a track meet and am waiting for his event.
If you really have passion for sport, you can find a way to work it in. It may not be ideal (I can only manage 8-9hr/wk on a really good week), but it's possible. You may also have to include something that's not cycling, because cycling by definition takes a looooooonng time to do right.
You should pre-schedule your rides, but also pre-schedule your responsibilities and your time out with your wife. Help her see that it's not an unrealistic percentage of your time that you're trying to use for yourself. Self-care is important, for both of you.
Sounds like your wife thinks you’d rather cycle than spend time with her. It’s likely not about cycling. Relationship is about more than doing your fair share, you need to take care of your partner too.
You have a relationship issue. Set aside time and see how she perceives; health, finances, career, house, child, and most importantly your relationship ? Be understanding; motherhood is stressful, your son is in the age range 2 -4 where discipline can be waring. Otherwise I am on my road bike 6::00 - 6:30 AM. On weekends I return when my wife is wrapping up breakfast.
Is she getting similar time away? It's not a cycling issue, it's a she's left alone with the kid issue, are you giving her similar time to go do leisure stuff by herself? This doesn't mean time to go do household stuff like grocery shopping etc.
I'd love to hear her side of the story. I would hope this is really a time management issue, but could only guess.
Honestly, I'd ask her outright and listen to her perspective.
On the other hand, relationships where you don't enjoy the same physical activities are so much less fulfilling IME.
Just need to get up early and ride before they wake chief. I get home just as they’re waking up. Also she might be worried if you’re road riding because it’s so dangerous, maybe switch to gravel or MTB.
So the question is though how long are the rides and how often. basically cycling is great thats why we are here, however if you are finding time every weekend it might be more than she can handle.
Maybe buy her a bike and get a trailer for the kid'?
I was in a similar situation; demanding career, young family, dual career couple. What has worked for me is riding in the AM. Weekdays I get an hour workout in on the trainer, and maybe another if the kiddo gets a good afternoon nap. I get one good ride outside during the weekend. When the weather is really nice, and I don’t have super early meetings or a crazy evening schedule, I will bike commute.
I get a few thousand miles in each year with this system.
Sounds like you need couples counseling. If you're not hearing that then try getting a little dragon wagon to toe behind your bike and take the kid with.
Went through something similar around 10 years ago. Got super addicted to riding, we had a 5 year old and found out we were about to have a second. Both worked full time , at night, alternating work days. At some point after my daughter was born I stopped riding. It affected me physically and mentally big time.
What ended up working was I made it a point to have a real conversation with her. She could see the difference. Now I ride without issue and she has taken up stationary cycling and can relate to the benefits. It’s hard managing new family, careers, new stressors, etc. Just have to communicate and set some boundaries.
Dude, I’m in a very similar situation. What do I do: one ride a week that she would have an opportunity to criticize me for. The same time every week. Is easier if it’s a regular, predictable thing. I usually get up Sunday early morning before kids and everyone else and go for a 3 hour ride. To keep myself in shape I keep another bike at work and I ride 1-2 times a week at lunch break but my wife won’t complain about that.
Yeah, this isn't really a cycling issue even though it involves cycling. This is something between you and your wife best either talked out between the two of you or in counseling. I strongly suggest that you consider this as it's a problem that's not likely go away and will just fester, and likely manifest itself in other ways, and probably already has. Good luck.
Maybe tow your son along on a trailer let her get some time alone while you bond and make memories w your son. Eventually she will understand and hopefully it will be something your son does w his future kids.
I used to ride when I got home from work. Roll back home at 730, make dinner and eat around 830-9. When I had kids, that time after work was no longer my time, it became family time. It's part of being in a relationship and having kids. It is no longer your time to begin with.
Like you, I NEED that mental break from it all. These days, I find time when everyone else is asleep. Weekends it's early morning outdoor rides from about 7am to 9am, if I make breakfast when I get home, there's less resentment. During the week, it's zwift or treadmill sessions at 5am before work or 9pm at night when the kid's in bed.
Conversely, your wife is telling you that she needs a mental break from family as well. Talk to her and figure out what she's looking for in terms of a break so that you can relieve her if kids. She's a teacher and is around kids all day. She needs a break too.
Perhaps you need to find out the real reason and then address that. Does she feel like you are gone too often or that she has no option to ever pursue her hobbies then you fix that issue.l
Can you take your boy out riding with you? Stick a seat on the back and give your wife some ‘her’ time.
Or so what my husband did and get the wife riding a bike.
I feel you. My wife is terrified I'm going to kill myself on a bike. I tried to explain that the health benefit way outweighs the risk (I've lost 35 lbs since I started riding 3 years ago) - and it is great for my mental health. She's gotten used to it - and has learned to schedule other things while I ride.
I have cut back on riding though - all relationships require compromise.
Get one of these: https://www.target.com/p/bell-sports-mini-shell-front-bike-child-carrier-gray/-/A-53847754#lnk=sametab
I have both that seat and a burley trailer, both are great but this one is a great bang for the buck. I use it on my hard tail mtb
Get a trailer, take the boy with you some of the time. Bring toys and snacks. You might not be able to go very fast or far, but it will build his love for cycling and spending time with you. Plus all the extra weight and resistance will build your legs. It won't be that long before you he is riding his own bike, trying to race you. And your wife will appreciate some time alone and won't get so miffed at you taking a ride on your own.
This right here. I get to spend time with my kids, give my wife a break, and I feel like I’m going from 50cc to 150cc Mario Kart when I ride without the trailer. No downsides.
The trailer is technically resistance training!
18 miles (mostly uphill) in and I need a beer!
I do a 37 mile loop a couple times a week pulling a 45lb kiddo in a trailer. Kid has a blast. I get a workout. You don't realize how much work pulling 60+ lbs of extra dead weight up a hill is, until you do it.
You’ll be a quad god by summer
Goal is for the thighs to be thicker than the beer gut.
Then I’m pretty even keeled right now. God dang itZ
I just sold my trailer in preparation for our move and am driving everywhere. I feel like I'm going f*cking insane because I'm used to getting on my bike every two hours and having a fun little ride to reset my stress to zero. I keep thinking "is this what the rest of the world deals with? Is this why drivers are always so angry?"
Yes. I need my little rides to keep my sanity too. Life is better by bike.
Yes. I go a bit mad if I haven’t been on the bike for a few days. And yes, those aggro drivers just have years of pent up frustration, and every traffic jam just adds to it daily.
This 100%. My kid loved the bike and my wife loved the time
I’d recommend a Kids Ride Shotgun seat over the trailer. Not saying your experience will be the same, but our girl got bored in the trailer after 15 minutes and she’ll do 3 hours on the shotgun seat and love it. I also much prefer it, and we talk about stuff and she is much more involved in the whole bike ride. My brother in law has had the same experience with their little guy
10000 per cent agree. A seat in the middle keeps the little one engaged. I think they can sit in it from 2 up
That one looks pretty terrifying! We had one that was a full seat and had a pad on the front so the kid could fall asleep. It was great for long rides - wife did 60 miles with him once.
Nah, not terrifying at all. It’s much more secure and stable than you’d think, and it’s way easier to ride safely with it than with a trailer out behind you. She sits when she’s tired, stands when she wants to goof off and be a part of the ride. I’ve got close to 100 hours of riding with her on the bike, and 20 of those hours are on real trails
I checked reviews and it seems to be pretty safe. I don’t know if I’d trust my toddler not to flop himself off though, haha.
Can second this. Ran into the same problem as OP, bought a shotgun seat and now I take my toddler mountain biking with me. You can still ride some somewhat gnarly stuff with it on (though no jumps or drops obviously), good to focus on technique as you're trying to smooth out the ride as much as possible, and it's good fun for both of us!
My son flipped his trailer when he was 4 years old and I switched him to a weehoo I-go.
Oh that model works wonders too. Mac Ride, Kids Ride Shotgun, U-Rider have long lifespans. Basically until the kid no longer fits in front of you.
> won't get so miffed at you taking a ride on your own Or, you invite her to come with and everyone does a family thing together. If pulling the trailer doesn't equalize you enough, get her an ebike.
Trailer is a great option. That’s what I did and it was a great way for me to get exercise, kid gets to relax and enjoy the ride, and the wife gets time alone.
Agree! Give her a break man. It’s not the cycling. She needs time to herself.
Plus if you get him really excited about it it won't be long before you can teach him to ride his own bike! My daughter learned at nearly 3 because she was so motivated to ride with me!
She may or may not appreciate the time alone. Some mates are very clingy. I also had an SO who resented me cycling. Unfortunately it became an insurmountable issue. If OP’s wife’s problem is that she’s insecure, no pieces of advice on here are going to fix that. But your idea of a trailer is absolutely worth trying.
Exactly, its not what he is doing that made his wife mad, its what he is not doing....for example leaving the kid with the wife.
Would like twice if possible. Absolute game changer
This is what I do. I have a jogging stroller and a trailer. It’s great for exercise and you get to spend time with the kids. It also gives my wife a break.
This...get your boy on a balance bike immediately!! He's ready...mine was peddling by 3 no training wheels...balance bike, then buy him real a bike and take the pedals off and let him push it like a balance bike for a week...screw the pedals on and he will never look back! As a father you are going to put in a few years where it "ain't about you" but if you can get you son to fall in love with the same shit you love, it's all worth while. I hauled my son around in a seat, then a trailer then with a tandem hook up. It's 9 years later and right now I'm hauling the 13 year old lab in the trailer and having lunch in the park with my son, who loves to ride (and my wife is home on the couch while my son and I are spending the afternoon together!)
Yup, take the kid, or wake up early before everyone's up to get your ride in
There are a lot of nuances not noted. For example, when you go for a ride is the ride 1 or 8 hours? Big difference here. Exercise is great but how much time does your wife have for exercise? Or to dabble in her vice? Parenting is all about sacrifice at the younger ages. Seems like your wife may be getting burned out. Try to come to an agreement that you each have 4 hours (or whatever # you choose) a week for your vices. You get 4 hours and she gets 4 hours. That seems fair.
This. They should have the same amount of free childless time per week.
I think you nailed it, if there is already a responsibility/relationship imbalance she's resenting then that's the reason for her frustration. So I think making sure responsibilities and child duties are divided evenly, and then carving out equal time for personal pursuits.
> Try to come to an agreement that you each have 4 hours (or whatever # you choose) a week for your vices. You get 4 hours and she gets 4 hours. That seems fair. This is the most common compromise I've seen in my club, 3-6h of riding Saturday, balanced out with the partner getting their time Sunday. Start early enough to still do family activities or errands after.
To the top with this. Hey, /u/StoicApostle86 ? This kind of thing is usually a relationship issue that manifests as resentment and stress when a partner feels like their partner isn't picking up their fair share of housework, parenting and division of labor before personal time. I don't know what your situation is like, and I'm not the best at articulating these things, and this is not an accusation. But this kind of resentment of healthy hobbies or activities almost always means that one partner is feeling overwhelmed that they aren't getting enough time off themselves, or that important household things aren't getting done and prioritized first. You can start by asking (and actively, deeply listening and understanding) what your partners needs are. Or if there are things they would like help with before you take time off to go ride, etc. This is also something that couple's counseling or therapy is for. You don't even need to have a "problem" to use counseling/therapy as a tool. You can proactively use it as a tool to make relationships and partnerships even better the same exact way you might take a bike into a shop for a pro tuneup for optimal performance and experience. You probably need to have a healthy, open dialog with your partner about any missing needs and actually listen and be ready to accept criticism about what you can proactively do to strengthen your partnership. This might mean she needs her own alone time and time off. Or it might mean hitting up the to do lists. Or it might mean she wants to feel more appreciated and you guys both need more relationship time. It can be a lot of things. But this kind of resentment is usually a sign that something needs at least a little work.
Yes and they should also make sure they’re balancing the mental load. Cycling tends to be sort of an obsessive research hobby. Most women I know are doing 95% of the mental load— notices from the daycare, keeping diapers stocked, making sure the kid has tor right size and season of clothes, planning meaningful family time, scheduling appointments. If she feels like she can’t handle one more piece of analysis while she sees him dedicate tons of brain space to researching bike parts, that might be driving part of the resentment. It’s not just the hours of riding she resents, it’s the freedom to spend so much mental energy on it.
Yes. Agree.
Yeah, OP basically said "my wife never has enough time to leave, but on the off chance she has time I encourage her" that really... makes it sound like he goes out 10x for every 1x she goes out. She doesn't have to go out to relax either. If when he's home she's still the primary caregiver of course she's going to be resentful. *Going out* shouldn't be the only time she gets off from being a parent. She should be having equivalent hours off already, where she relaxes at home and the kid is 100% the dad's responsibility. I suspect if for every hour he went riding she got an hour off at home the problem would be solved...
Yes , seems like wife just want normal human attention or rather not compete with a hobby for attention . This has I watch sports all the time even at dinner whats wrong energy .
that's a relationship issue, not a cycling issue. Have you considered getting a new bike?
Nothing solves relationship issues like buying a brand new racing spec bike with Dura Ace Di2.
What are you suggesting? Factor VAM? Colnago v2r?
V2? Are you poor?
I was going to say I can't wait to read this on r/bicyclecirclejerk but it appears the Freds are already on it.
That’ll solve the relationship issue…one way or another!
S-1?
Or taking up golf
Why ruin a good walk when you can spend hours on your bike?
Por que no Los dos? https://www.rockbottomgolf.com/bags-carts/push-pull-carts/the-golf-bike/
I spent our whole downpayment account on a new bike and I couldn't be happier!
And hang it in the living room upside down. Women LOVE this kind of decoration dedication.
My friend is single but he just bought a new Cervélo P5 and keeps it in his living room in front of the fireplace.
I used to have my bike in my room. My wife (girlfriend at the time) asked me deadpan style if I want her to sleep on the couch and bring my bike to the bed. She's a keeper
"What the effortlessly smooth and precise electronic shifting taught me about our relationship is that my love for you is something that will never need adjustment. It will be as strong in the future as it is now."
I felt there’d be more chance of people having a similar experience in here than in a relationship forum. Yeah. I consider a new bike most days… 🤣
The bike isn't the issue. the wife not being empathetic for your individual needs is the problem. Plenty of people have had this issue, but the sticking point could be anything, concerts, video games, hiking, gym, cars, etc. but it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is you have a healthy hobby which for some reason is not being supported. I'd recommend a sit down when tempers are low, and see if you both can communicate the core issue. Don't focus on bikes, focus on marital needs. Does she agree with every relationship expert on the planet that healthy individual hobbies are good for the marriage? If not, you've got a big problem and should seek a therapist. However maybe she agrees and understands that part, but she feels like other marriage needs are neglected, so every time you bike it feels like kicking the can down the road on things she needs so you can take care of yourself. In this case she needs to be able to clearly voice her needs. Then maybe set up a weekly sit down where you're seeing how both people are feeling about these issues. I had a wife who was unable to voice her needs. So I'd get completely caught off guard by "huge issues" arising because of my minimal hobbies. The hobbies weren't the issue, the issue was she felt like she needed things she wasn't getting. But because she never told me I couldn't help her. Since that failed I made it a rule to just have constant and open communication about everything, and life has become so much easier
This is a great point, this whole cycling issue she has could be the symptoms of something that is building, and not the exact cause.
Agreed, except for the "the wife not being empathetic for your individual needs is the problem" part because there's a failure of communication and empathy for needs on both sides of the equation here clearly... Cycling for exercise can entail being away for hours at a time. With a young son, both spouses working full-time jobs, and OP admitting that the wife doesn't have any sort of regular hobby (i.e. has even less recreation time than OP), I do wonder if the wife is just generally resentful of an imbalance of free time and the failure of OP to choose to spend time with her/the kid when there is "free time." As to OP's point about being supportive about girls' nights, I'm guessing OP also occasionally goes out with the guys and does "something" from time to time so this is hardly the proof of good will he thinks it is. (Also, are these "somethings" actually recreational or are they things OP might perceive as fun but feel like chores to the wife, e.g. shopping for gifts for Christmas, especially for his family, or necessary clothes? Not all women find shopping fun.) I'd like to hear more about what's the context around "when I find a little time to get away on a ride" because it sounds like it could be that he disappears for half a day on the weekend when they don't have anything actively planned and thus when they might have spent time together as a family or when the wife could have gotten a break from taking care of the kid if he did daddy-kid time (with what I assume is the primary childcare role if this household is like many others). How often does he initiate family time or daddy-kid time events during these "free time" periods versus insisting on biking away from the family? There are compromise solutions that exist and that OP should consider once he and his wife talk about the root cause. If we're correct and it's about priorities and not biking, he could take the kid out in a Burley. I know that's what my dad did when I was 2. Yes, OP may have to bike for a shorter period than he might want, but with a juice box and a snack, he can get exercise and both he and the kid can have a great time. The wife can get a (presumably much-needed) break and everyone wins. But when by focusing on a "lack of empathy" from a party that sounds like gets even less recreation time than OP, you're in danger of digging a much deeper hole for yourself in a relationship.
I regret that I have but one upvote to give this comment.
Shame that I had to scroll so far down to find common sense.
I suspect r/ladycyclists would have been a better place to ask if OP wanted real advice that balances a love of cycling/getting OP's desire to get out for a ride but also, you know, also an understanding of the wife's likely reality. General cycling forums tend to be packed with single men...
This was my thought too.
I mean, have you talked about this with her? Be carefull though, because you're dismantling a bomb. 😂😂
The problem isn't just that your wife is not understanding your needs. My guess is your wife has a problem allowing herself AND you any needs, wishes, fun. She has to come to see that she is allowed a life and so are you, even if you have a son. Your son doesn't benefit from parents who give up everything for their child. It doesn't make them better parents. Quite the opposite. Spoken by the cycling therapist.
This is the way. Plus, double the length of your rides.
Maybe start training for that double century race.?? 😉
Don’t forget to load up on a couple post-ride beers with your buds before you head back. A little liquid courage will give you confidence and dull the pain a little when finally have to face her (;
lol surely things will go smoothly after a few post ride brewskis
N+1 = Right number of bikes 🚴
My wife didn’t like it when I was ultra marathon training and that was pretty fair, I was never around. I got hurt, got sick, ballooned up to 330lbs almost died in an accident picked up cycling. Being an obsessive idiot I ride a lot and I do it on Zwift. She works in the basement on stuff for her business, I ride. Sometimes we talk, sometimes I ride like I’m killing myself and don’t talk much but we are near each other and it’s nice for both of us.
You went from ultra marathon training to 330 lbs? Sounds like an interesting story, damn
Well I’m 6’4 and have never been small. Body was poisoning itself for 10years, misdiagnosed by drs and medicated wrong. I pieced everything together myself from my lab work, then had to argue with drs to get tested. I was right, 2 days later I was ejected at 65mph and broke my skull, arm, shoulder,ribs, spine, and crushed my pelvis. Picked up cycling after rehab trained from learning to walk again to riding 200 miles. It’s been a journey.
Not an uncommon story - as I understand usually due to bad eating practices that kinda work when you’re training 30hrs a week.
Uhh seems pretty damn uncommon to go from ultra training to getting to 330 lbs lol
Obsessive minds can turn to lots of things. Ultras or unhealthy eating habits
It’s basically a meme in the ultra community for being overweight and eating unhealthy.
330 lbs though??? That’s like a full commitment lol
This sounds nice… my issue is of the hundreds of sessions I’ve done on my trainer, whether a VO2, zone 2 etc etc she’s never once popped in and shown a slight interest.
Your issue seems like an excellent time to give therapy a go, if you are both still in love.
Yep! Seems the issue is not about cycling and there will be an issue regardless of the hobby. Expecting your SO to get a hobby that keeps him close to you is unfair and gross...
If you really want to get away, you need to find them a boyfriend or girlfriend with lots of free time.
My wife doesn’t expect much, she’s the go getter. She is happy I’m alive and what I’m doing now, works better than what I did before. If being around my best friend while I do something I love is gross, call me Miles Davis!
You’re missing that he’s chosen to zwift in the same room as her not expecting her to choose to come into the zwift room.
Yeah, watching you huff and puff on the bike is not that interesting, trust me. Something that helps me a lot is to just not be that serious. Doing 2 hours of zone 2 and she asks if you want to see the flower arrangement she made? Get off the bike, get out of your zone and go look. If you really want to dedicate the time, you need to have a real, genuine, sitdown to talk about it seriously and be willing to hear her out if she says she doesn't like that. Personally, I'll never run a 2:30 marathon if I want to maximize her happiness and that's OK(me not running fast, not her being unhappy.)
Ok? She doesn’t need to be interested in your hobbies as long as you are provided reasonable space and time to pursue them. Operative word being *reasonable*.
Therapy time. My wife annoys the fuck out of me if I'm around. Meaning she wants to be around me and wants to engage with me. I tend to do the same. Of course we have plenty of time we ignore each other as well. Probably not healthy or productive but it happens.
It's pretty much never the activity itself. Resentment comes from some sort of unmet need on her end. She's struggling with something, which leads to her thinking, "I wish he'd forget about the bike and help me with ____ instead." Talk it over until you figure out the blank and some win/win solutions to attack it.
My situation wasn't as stressful as OPs but there was definitely some "oh you're going to ride _again_?" times But then we reconnected her with horse riding and traded off times and all the tension dissipated. Tl;Dr work to find something she likes or wants to do solo and then trade off "covering" for each other.
It might be a neglected hobby, but it could just as easily be a togetherness thing, neglected chores, or even something mundane like sleeping in. Best to just talk to her with an open mind.
How involved are you in the day-to-day of the household? Has there ever been a conversation revolving around the balance of daily "chores"? I'm not accusing you of being a lazy husband, but is it possible that she feels as if she does the work, but then you leave on a bike for a few hours? That was my experience, she felt slighted because everything had to be done when I went riding. It couldn't wait until I got back.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I do all of the cleaning, most of the laundry, all of the DIY but then I’m happy to, my wife does a bulk of the cooking and my son is very difficult with me when I try to put him to bed but he’s happy I do everything else. Clearly I’m serving military and spend a fair bit of time away from them which I find emotionally hard but then when I get back I’m clearing the back log of chores. I just like riding my bike to exercise, clear my head and have something I’m in control of.
Bike trailer, and take the youngin' along? Gets you out on a ride, and you'll work harder (more endorphins) and she gets a break as well? If you need a new bike to pull the kiddo, that could be a win-win-win.
Kids Ride Shotgun. Mine is serving kid #2 and will be there for #3 when she’s old enough. One of the best purchases I’ve ever made. I actually should have gotten the nicer Pro version.
This is the way. Those early years are difficult, but a bike trailer was a god send for us: I got a ride, my kid got a great nap (the bumps lull them to sleep), and my wife got a break. Buy the best one you can; you'll be able to sell it for 70% of its value when you're done with it.
I mean You said it right there in the body of your message. You spend a fair bit of time away. So she is holding the fort alone. Is there anyway you could enlist help so she gets some time to herself when you are away?
Your wife operates as a single parent while you're away, right, if you're on active duty? It's great that you do the bulk of the cleaning, laundry, and DIY, but it sounds like she's still doing the rest of the childcare and cooking, so I'd say you're roughly at an even split at that point when you're home imagining (edit: typo) the 2yos I babysat for. So she's at 100% when you're away and 50-50-ish when you're home. During the small amount of time you have with your family, you then choose to go away for hours at a time rather than say, take your kid with you in a Burley or choose an exercise activity you all can do together, at which point she might be back to 100% if there's urgent laundry, cleaning, etc. Perhaps you can see how that would feel unfair and like you're placing your needs above the family's. While recreation is important and I'm glad you've found your thing, if your marriage and family is also important to you, you may want to talk to your wife about that and brainstorm ways you can both spend time with them and get your exercise. Because it sounds like she has zero time for recreation. The "somethings" you mention that you're supportive of may or may not be recreational (e.g. many husbands think shopping for their families for holidays would be recreational but many wives think of it as a chore). Resentment will continue to grow unless you can work as a team to figure this out. You both have stressful jobs and a stressful young child. Sometimes you won't have time for the recreation that you want right now and will have to work together to comprise--shorter rides, rides with the kid, a different activity with all of you that still fills the need for exercise, etc. But when that kid is older things will change.
Thank you. I think you’ve really nailed the perspective in this reply, appreciate you taking the time to write it.
Good luck! I hope you can reach a compromise that works for all. :)
For the better on my relationship, I essentially hung up my bike for about 4 years. When my kids were old enough that they'd sleep in, I finally started riding again and get all or most of it done while everyone sleeps. I get on the bike at 5:30 to 6:00 am and try to be home by 7:30. So I get my exercise/fun but don't add any burden to anyone else at home.
It doesn’t make sense that you say you do all the cleaning and laundry, and in the next breath say you’re serving military and gone a lot. Maybe there’s a back log when you get home but she is a single parent when you’re not there, and doing everything 24/7. You need to ensure that for every hour you claim for cycling, she receives equal leisure time. Not that “if she ever wants to do xyz, I support her”. No. It’s “hey hon, I’m taking kiddo to the park, then I will do nap time and clean up the house today. Would you rather stay home for some down time or go out?” You may have to insist she takes a break, she probably struggles to remember how to stop being a mom for even a few hours. How many hours per week are you cycling? If the answer is above 10, it’s not going to be doable without you personally arranging for childcare so you can both receive a well deserved break. You will need to call a babysitter or schedule regular daycare so she can have equal leisure time. Otherwise, yeah. I get it. You also don’t mention that she probably misses YOU a lot, and wants you involved in your kids life. I imagine she feels like you’re never home, and when you are there, you’re just dying to leave to get on your bike. Like she can’t count on you to be there because you’re itching to go ride bikes every second you get a chance. So I think you also need to discuss with her how many hours per week are reasonable and come to an agreement with a schedule in place so she knows when to expect you to be there, and when she can expect a break as well.
If you're away for large stretches of time, then you aren't really doing "all of the cleaning". You're only doing all of the cleaning when you're home. But it sounds like your wife feels overwhelmed...especially during those times you are away and doing those chores when your home isn't enough to make up for that. Some thoughts: make sure your wife isn't suffering from post-partum depression. Trying doing your bike rides early in the morning. If you start at 6:00am you can do a 4-hr ride and still be home well before noon to spend the rest of the day caring for your child.
I struggled immensely when my husband would bike when we had littles. Part of it was fear of him being hurt and no life insurance. I recall military getting life insurance so I doubt that’s an issue for you. I wonder how often you initiate dates with your wife? Another area is chores outside the home like the yard. It can be difficult to feel like a husband sees time with their wife is important. It can make us resent his cycling because he’s always thinking about it and making sure he rides, but not putting nearly the same amount of effort into us. And, it’s no fun to do all exterior work by yourself or have to wait until you’re available during the hottest part of the day. Like everyone else has said, it’s not cycling that’s the problem. She has a need(s) that isn’t being met. I would address figuring that out and not make the topic cycling.
And how much time do the 2 of you spend quality time together? She very well could feel like you're choosing cycling over spending time with her, depending on how much time you're spending on the bike.
Maybe it's the opposite. You could be pulling your fair share, but you aren't spending enough time together wilth all three of you.
This is about quality time. If your duty day is all over the place then it makes it worse. To her all she see’s is the minute you have some white space you are running off to go do your hobby.
I’m the wife whose husband cycles. We both work demanding jobs, and his can have him working long hours that leaves a lot of the childcare and housework to me during the week. I also sometimes bring work home, as I work in education and have paperwork to get done after the kids get to bed. I didn’t resent my husband’s cycling, it was about the amount of time it took. He would go on long weekend rides, so essentially he was out of commission the entire day while I was with our two young kids. So it gave us essentially one day together, and usually it was filled with getting prepared for the week. Although, he would tell me I’m free to go do my own thing, it wasn’t true as things in the household need to get done and it was difficult getting that done with two young kids in tow. So it was about finding a balance. He modified his riding schedule and I scheduled my own alone time to ensure I got the breaks too. I did get a bike also, and we do ride as a family occasionally but it’s not the same training he desires and he too needs his alone time. Now that our kids are elementary school aged, it’s all good. Just that juggling of our two toddlers was tough. Our oldest now enjoys riding with dad, so that is becoming a bonding experience for them and I love seeing it. Hope you two can find the balance.
I *promise* you it's not actually the cycling. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife. My guess is you're both operating under very different assumptions about how much free time the other one has and how they spend it etc.
You need the sub called new parents or something like that. Your boy is very young and needs a lot of attention from his parents. Your wife is probably not so happy that you still get to enjoy your hobby and is just bit exhausted from being a new mom. As always, have you tried to talk to her about it?
Does she get an equal amount of me-time?
You aren't going to hear it here, but cycling is an obnoxious hobby to partners who aren't into it, VERY time intensive. Especially partners who have to parent while you are away for long stretches for work. How many hours a week are you cycling? Give her at least that much time to spend how she likes - with friends, resting alone, spa, or with you. If you are giving her equal time and she is still upset, then see a counsellor. But I guaranfuckingtee she isn't getting the same as you now.
What do you do to make sure your wife has as many opportunities to get away and do something for herself?
I experienced something very similar. It really peaked a few months after I got home from a deployment. It was always like you just got home why are you rushing to leave again. A 2 hour bike ride would turn into a fight. The issue wasnt that she didn't want me to be happy or do my hobby it was she was overwhelmed and didn't know how to express it so she reacted by being upset at any "voluntary" time I was spending away from the family. There is something that she needs or wants but hasn't articulated it and is instead lashing out about the bike. What my wife really wanted was an extended period of time where she wasn't responsible for anyone or anything.
Therapy. There is some kind of communication barrier happening. And obviously you have tried to navigate it the best you can. But you two need to work out some kind of balance of taking care of your relationship, your kid, careers, and your hobbies. As a wife who tends to just do the hobbies that her husband is doing because I honestly don't know what the hell I WANT to do, I get where she may be coming from with the not having hobbies. She could be overwhelmed with everything else in life and could feel guilty for not spending enough time on the other things. Which again is why I mention therapy because those need to be worked through and it can be fucking hard. Also I found out that I actually like biking because I got a pretty pink bike and my husband bribes me with food. Maybe you can try that too.
How much do you look after your boy? Do you do as much house chore as your wife, if not more? I'm asking because your wife may be right to get upset if you don't share as much child-rearing and home care duties as she feels you need to. The key here is, how much does SHE think you (should) do, as opposed to how much YOU think you (should) do. My wife and I have a daughter who's about to turn 4. I work from home, and my wife is a part-time preschool teacher. I spend almost all my time with the daughter before she goes to preschool and after she comes home. That leaves little time for me to cycle, but working from home I can at least get out during lunch break for a quick ride. And my wife doesn't mind my doing a longer ride once or twice a month on the weekend. I'd suggest you sit down with your wife and figure out what she's really upset about, and how you can help her feel better about your being out occassionally. Good luck!
If your wife was to go out and leave you solo with your child as much as you leave her to ride, how would you feel about it? I go riding early mornings to reduce the burden on my family. I only get to go for a 3 hour plus ride once a month. When you have a family, compromise is essential.
I heard from a therapist recently that oftentimes resentment arises if you feel like you've been giving more of yourself (talking about your wife here) than you're able to. I don't think the solution is for you to give up cycling, but I wonder if you're not meeting your wife's expectations for your relationship and family and feels like she needs to pick up some slack. That's between you two.
I don’t see you mention why she is upset when you ride. Have you talked about it? Are you leaving her alone for 5 hours and then coming home and staring at strava on the toilet while she takes care of everything? Is she nervous about your safety now that you have a child? For me it used to be him getting a text from a buddy to ride in 20 minutes and he starts running around throwing on his things and disappears for the day. So, I guess I’m on my own with the baby AGAIN and we aren’t cleaning the house today like we planned? After many discussions about how he has a family and can’t up and leave with no notice, he has set weekly rides, will ask VERY nicely if one comes up and say no if I ask him to, and we don’t fight about cycling anymore.
I had the same issue. My wife found it hard to cope with our 2 kids. I shortened my cycles and left really early in the morning for a bike ride, often 6.30am. I was then home by 11.30 at the latest with the day ahead of us. Our kids are teenagers now, so no issues, but I often leave the house super early
This has been my best option. My wife doesn’t hate my cycling she hates when it occupies all of the day. My solution has been to wake up 3 hours earlier than her and be back before she’s even ready for breakfast. She tolerates my longer rides on the weekends so long as I have communicated the time commitment previously.
Yup. Organizing and planning will help alleviate a lot of the difficulty. For me, often I find that the time I was going to dedicate does actually get in the way of doing all the other things. When will you mop the floor? Will the dog get walked? That thing you forgot? Above all, being honest and reliable. Your ride was supposed to be done by 2? You better be home and showered; not sweating on the couch cooling off for 20 more minutes. Very individual, but the strategy has worked for me.
We each get a sleeping in day on the weekend so I wake up early and use that as my sleeping in day which seems to help the cause as well.
I have an uncle who was really into cycling when my cousins were young, and just so happened to live about 100 miles away from my grandparents. So my aunt would drive the kids up to grandma and grandpa’s and my uncle would ride his bike (he’d leave earlier) and get there a little later. Worked out great for everyone.
Is she getting alone time? Maybe she is frustrated cause you have something and she doesn’t. Maybe offer her a spa day. Make sure she gets time for herself. But also make sure you two are making time for just the two of you. Dont feel bad for your hobby its okay!
Could you bike to work instead of biking after work?
I have 4 kids. This is not a cycling thing, this is a child care thing. Take the boy with you. It’s fun for them and an excellent workout for you.
It’s not your fault, but you get to escape and she doesn’t. It’s not about you cycling, it’s about her needs not being met.
This is not related to cycling. Can’t be solved with buying anything new. Can’t be solved by selling anything or by stopping to ride. Any of these will only make it worse. This is a relationship issue: you both need to communicate. Go to therapy if you need to, and that’s for both of you. It’s difficult but for sure it’s doable. Good luck.
More info about what her concerns are would be helpful.
I had a sexual relationship with a married woman in the past. And once I brought forward the question how she managed the fact her being married yet doing all this stuff with me. She said and I quote: "He plays basketball with his friends every week.".
Is she getting an equal amount of alone time? get a bike trailer, take your son with you
I started cycling at 5am. Get 30-50 km in before the kids wake up. Feels great 😃 . Just gotta hit the sack at 9 instead of 10:30.
You're trying to live the American dad model, using free time for a hobby and leaving the kids with mom. This only works if there are grandparents. As military, there usually aren't grandparents. I struggle with this as well, same situation as you but more kids. I had to give up riding and find a hobby that was doable after bedtime. Time for fitness doesn't exist outside duty hours because the kids need everything leftover. And if you get early release, you should probably go home and help mom. Only chance for riding is bike commuting, which may or may not be an option depending on your base.
My advice is get up mega early and fit your ride in. I have two kids and set my alarm each morning at 4:50am to do a Z2 indoors on the weekdays and at the weekend leave the house at 6am and go out for 4 hrs and then spend the day with the family. I try to ride to where we are visiting so I can combine my cycle and family time.
Make space for her to do some fitness/hobby/social time with friends out of the house. Then you’re making space for each other. Or do super early mornings before the fam wakes up.
I try to fit cycling in around things we already do. Let me explain… We meet up at her parent’s house for family dinners twice a week. Since my parents in law pick my 4 yr old up from school during the weekdays, I just ride my bike to the family dinners and stick an extra shirt in my jersey pocket. When my wife gets off work, we all meet up at her parents’ place. Sunday brunch at a restaurant 20 miles away? I’ll just bike there and leave an hour+ before, getting there around the same time and having a change of clothes in her car if needed. Meet up at her friend’s house to have the kids play together? “I’ll meet you there in 45 minutes.” This way it doesn’t really take away much time from your duties as a husband and planning new routes/destinations is fun. My wife would be more upset if I didn’t ride my bike often as it was really pricey, so long as it didn’t interfere much with our parenting duties. This way if I ever upgrade to a high end sirvelo, colmago, bianche, glant, specializer, or trak, she won’t have any issues.
It's not the cycling, bro.
The struggle is real my man. It’s rough when it’s cold but I’ve found getting up super early in the morning so I’m home for the majority of the day is a decent compromise. On weekends at least. Weekdays are more challenging.
Are you putting as much energy into your relationship as you are into your rides?
I am a casual bike dude but serious surfer. Same vibes from my wife when my kids were young. Ended up just getting up so early that I was back by the time the day started getting going. Basically sunrise in the water and then put in a couple hours. I also always came home with a hot drink or treat or something;)
Agree on the relationship and communication angle. Couples therapy could really help. I ride a lot, we both work full time, and I am an equal co-parent for our son. My wife knows that cycling keeps me healthy - body and mind - and makes me happy, so she gives me the time to do it. Equally I give her time to be alone and read (her way to decompress), or to go to Pilates classes or book events. Either way it requires us to always communicate our plans/needs and to be flexible, it helps that we share calendars (we can see each other's Google calendars). I end doing most of my weekday rides on the trainer, squeezing in an interval session when I can, and then I usually do a 3-4 hour ride one of the weekend mornings - she gets the other to do what she wants.
Sharing my opinion as I’m currently in a similar situation but my husband is into football. I’m a stay at home and I work from home. I don’t have outdoor hobbies anymore like I used to. Your wife need to have time for herself too. The same way you have time for cycling. Even if she doesn’t do anything, she need to have time for herself only, without your kid, just for herself. The weight load for a woman is larger and heavy on mental than it is for man because the baby will naturally need his mom more (feed bonding etc.). That’s why she need to have time off to puts out the stress or at least not be under stress for few hours otherwise it is « unfair » for her to have no time off while you have some through cycling. She needs to have her time off from her role as a mom/wife and her role at work even if she doesn’t have hobbies yet. It’s not about her getting it or understanding you or her finding a hobbie, it’s about having the space for her to be just her, not a mom or a wife or a worker. People saying it’s a relationship issue, it’s not. It’s just about balancing roles. Even if her time is going outside alone for a coffee, read a book or whatever or even do nothing, she needs to be out. She doesn’t need to have a hobbie to have access to that time, she needs time for herself too even if it’s to do nothing. Good luck guys you can do it! ❤️
I’ve been going through this my last five years. 1. I shortened my rides to less than an hour 2. I try and do them at times that don’t affect her as much. I don’t leave her in the morning, when I used to ride. I never thought I’d be down with a 10 miler, but taking what I can get. If you find time just take it, even if it’s not part of your routine.
Do something to include all of you guys… family time bro !!! take your wife out of the house, girls after birth are very fragile, emotional damage stuff
2y - 6y are the hardest years to get away and as a Dad I would recommend to not to. Those years never come back. 1 to 1.5 hour rides early in the morning were my thing. Carmichael's *Time Crunched Cyclist* was my program. One 3 hour ride a week...again early for me was better. The other thing that is hard to get back as you get older is fitness. Fuck the idea of dad bods. Neither one of you want to be in a place when one is image conscious or not confident. 4 or 5 hours of life maintenance per week is not at all too much to ask. When the kids are older and you look ten years younger than your age you'll both be happy you maintained. Or your next partner will be.
This feels one sided. Why does she feel this way? Is she sacrificing a lot to take care of your young son? How much time do you give to cycling? How much time does this keep you from keeping house together? How much time do you and her actually have for other things? My thought, though this may not be your situation, is that women often give a huge sacrifice when they have kids, especially when the kids are young. Lots of responsibility falls on the women to take care of kids, keep house clean, etc, and if remaining responsibilities fall to your wife, especially when you go cycling, this could be the cause of resentment. If the resentment seems truly one sided after household chores are split 50/50, you have an issue bigger than Reddit and couples therapy may be beneficial to get to the route of the issue.
I bike around 8-10 hours per week and have 2-3 weight lifting sessions, full time job (I also work weekends often, though I do work from home). I have 2 kids, one newborn and a 2 year old. My gf doesn't resent my cycling training, we plan around it every week. We'll sit down and look at the household stuff that needs to get done, delegate appropriately, so that we have as much time with the kids as possible, and can also get the things done we need to get done for ourselves and our hobbies. During weekdays, this often means that I have to get up at 4:30am so that I can hop on the bike and be back by 7:00am. I also like to have one 4+ hour ride per week, and every other week one 6+ hour ride. How do we manage this with 2 kids, house chores, work and everything? Plan. Plan. Plan. When I'm out for a long ride, we usually plan it so that my gf has some extra hands during those hours, for example grandparents visiting, or friends, or playdates and whatnot. It works really well for us like that. When that's not possible, I get up super early so that I can be back and help out and also have most of the rest of the day to spend with the family. (Albeit, I never sacrifice on sleep, so if I get up early, I go to bed early). Evenings are sacred to us, as that's the only us-time we have throughout the day, so I basically always make sure that from 8pm, I'm 100% hers. I don't think your wife resents you going on a ride. Or at least it's not the actual reason and she just doesn't know how to communicate what she actually feels. It's something else she's resenting. For example, she might feel like you're going out while there's still x y and z thing left to do around the house that you didn't do/notice. It's really just a matter of communication. It's the pillar that holds all relationships afloat, good, solid communication. You shouldn't resent each other's hobbies or resent each other's anything really. I mean, I grow chillies in my office, and it smells like dirt and looks like a home made weed farm. Does she like it? No, but she realizes it's a hobby of mine. So we sat down and talked about how we could make it work to be the least annoying for her, but also possible for me. We both compromised. Anyways, I've been rambling for so long I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. So the TL;DR: she doesn't resent your cycling, she resents something else that gets compromised because of it. You have to communicate with her about it. Honestly, she should've communicated it with you in the first place. But might not want to feel like a burden for you to do what you need to do.
What do you class as 'find a little time'? People on here seem to think nothing of a 6hr ride.
So when does she get to go away and spend free time for a few hours while you take care of the kid? You need to create the time and space for her first.
My husband does a lot of distance cycling- he is very clear when he is doing a long ride (so I can plan my life) and often will ask my in-laws if they want to hang out with our daughter on those long days for at least a little bit. He is really considerate to get me some alone time and it lets my in-laws build a good relationship with our daughter. Also- he often rides with our daughter, or sometimes he rides early so it doesn’t take up our whole day. I don’t mind single parenting for a bit, but he often goes early and brings back lunch or breakfast so we still have time together as a family. He also often does Zwift in the evenings while I read or swim or do my thing. It’s not the cycling that bothers your wife. She isn’t having her needs met in some way. The fact that she doesn’t have a hobby likely means she hasn’t had time to cultivate one in any meaningful way. Talk to her and ask her how you can support her while you stay healthy doing your thing.
Sorry bud but your wife sucks.
As others have said, take the kid with you. And/or, set up a schedule for the family so that everyone can plan - she knows in advance when you will be home and when you will be out, and you put time in there for her to have time for herself. Having the opportunity to plan ahead is awesome. Also the when of it is important... if your hobby means she is always on kid duty weekend mornings and never gets to sleep in if that's what she wants to do, it sucks. If you're "accommodating and encouraging" but only on a schedule that works for you - e.g. making time for her to go out on Thursday night when she's already tired and has to work in the morning - that isn't terribly helpful either. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I have my own bad experience with an ex who claimed to be "accommodating and encouraging" so it's hard not to be suspicious... I have friends as well who have partners involved in time-consuming hobbies like marathon training which means weekends are basically consumed by long runs + needing to recover from long runs, and they struggle to find the balance of being supportive without being taken for granted I'm the cyclist in my family, but fit it into daily life (e.g. commuting to work) rather than letting it take time away from family. My ex would have said he was "accommodating and encouraging" but generally that meant saying "you should go out" at 9 at night when I was already half asleep, and if I said "hey there's a thing I want to do on x day" inevitably he would end up "working late" that day which would prevent me from going due to childcare.
Cycling isn’t a vice brother
Trailer sucked, I did it for 5 years in hilly countryside, but it is great for resistance training. Better was that it made them interested in using a trail-a-bike which was awesome. Still resistance training but a lot less drag. End result, I got to spend just over 3 hours riding 40 miles with 2900' of climbing with my 13yo this morning in a gravel ride. She beat me by about 10sec, 47yo 280lb dads aren't meant to climb that much, but we came in 14th and 15th out of 47 people. She finished at the back of 4 other guys who were all impressed by it. Monday after school I can grab the 11yo and take her MTBing for a good 2 hours, and thurs I'll take them all, I have 3, to the velodrome to test out the new track bike before they start training with their team. Start them early, don't make them suffer, and make sure that the more involved they get the better the bikes they get. Mom just rolls her eyes when the new bikes come but she appreciates the hours each week when she is free of all of us. And sometimes she joins in too.
Exercise isn't a vice. That's a healthy thing to do both physically and mentally. You've got to find time obviously for your family but you and your wife should both have alone time from eachother and the kid even if it's only a little bit. You have to appreciate eachothers company and support, not resent it.
This sub IS getting more and more Like the circlejerk sub
Those assholes don't seem to understand that BCJ is a quarantine zone for their shitty behaviors. I wish the mods would take the time to check their post history when they get a report and booth those shitheads.
Your only hobby right now is taking care of your kids. Don't resent it, enjoy it. In 15 years they won't want you around and you'll have plenty of time for cycling. (Source: kids are in college, I have plenty of time for cycling)
She doesn't have a boyfriend?
This will be best solved with a couples therapist honestly. From the info here, your desire to ride sounds reasonable (I’m a woman fwiw). However, we don’t have all the information — are you doing equal amounts of chores around the house and with your kid? Did childbirth leave her body very changed? If you stop cycling, you’re going to resent her for cutting off the stress release you have. It will create new problems because they will come out one way or another. She also needs to be more than just mom. Some women need more encouragement to do this. It’s easy to get lost in motherhood and not even know how to find yourself again. Maybe she feels like she’s trying to hoard time for the family before you’re gone for training or deployments? But also…..military spouses can be really shitty influences, so maybe she’s getting bad advice from other wives. Find a good couples therapist and/or suggest you each do some therapy on your own.
Invest in marriage counseling. Could be love language issues and clearly communication problems.
I saw a dad on a road bike pulling two kids on a trailer yesterday. But over here it is all bike paths, so there is zero to none traffic risk. …. My youngest is 9 years old. My wife also doesn’t appreciate whenever I leave on longer bike rides. YMMV.
If you're putting in this much effort as a parent yet feel the need to call cycling a "vice," there's a serious issue. If it's not taking you away from your responsibilities, and it's both a way to improve your health and to de-stress, what kind of partner wouldn't want those things for their other half? Does she get an equal amount of time to herself if she needs it? If so, relationship therapy would be something to consider.
Not saying this is exactly your situation, it sounds like you do a lot for the household, but I think this NYT article did a good job showing what the other side of the equation looks like when one partner has an active hobby and the other doesn’t. This was focused on marathon runners, but I could imagine it would apply to cycling, especially if you are training for races and hyper focused on stats. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/21/style/marathon-training-relationships.html
Get a bike attachment and take the kid with you. But also.. she needs to tkw time to herself. She resents you because she isnt getting time to herself.
is she able to get out and do something for herself while you stay home? If not, a) she needs that and b) you need to encourage that yourself. She needs an outlet too Source: father of four, 4yrs old and under who pushed my wife for two years, TWO YEARS to get out on her own to do something she enjoys, and now she does and she feels amazing AND doesn't make a fuss when I want to do something too
A lot of people are saying your wife is a problem here. That is not going to sort the issue at hand. The issue is expectations. You need to talk with your wife and find out what she's finding hard, and move forward with that. But also your own worries about what cutting or stopping will do to you. If your wife has no hobbies, it may be she feels like she has no time spare to have hobbies, she's just to stressed doing all the stuff she feels she needs to do, or even just remembering and thinking about all the stuff she needs to do. Once you've had a really good chat about expectations and how you both manage them together, your wife might be still unsure about what to do. Be proactive: try and think about what she liked to do before kids, or on vacation, and maybe set aside time for her. I had a bit of therapy when I basically stopped riding when my 3rd kid was born and work got busier, and my therapist told me, whatever you end up doing will feel hard, you'll feel guilty for maybe two or three weeks, but it'll get better. I generally do a half hour minimum most days on the home trainer, and an hour or two on the weekends, then I can do the odd race still. One day I'll be able to do more and be faster. My wife goes swimming early every sunday morning for an hour. She felt bad the first few times, and worried everything was too crazy when she got back,but it's got better.
Is she struggling with something? Feeling overwhelmed? She may be taking it out on your cycling because she’s feeling overwhelmed by something. Example: needing help with your son getting ready for bed. Or doing the dishes or cleaning up a room for her?
Brother, this is so familiar. What I find is some of this can be fixed with better time management and planning. For example, if the first my wife hears I am going to ride is Sunday morning when I walk out the door, then it's a fight or guilt ridden ride. But, if we have planned out the week and I perhaps did the kids games or pick ups/drop offs then it's usually all good. It's when one of us feels like the other is leaving them all the stuff to do. If no amount of "Honey, this is important to me..." good, frank talk helps.....then go riding while she thinks you're working.
Buy a trailer for your bike and bring the kid along for the ride. It will give your wife some time off from the kiddo and you’ll get to cycle.
> when I find a little time to get away on a ride Be honest, here: How much time a week are you bicycling? Including suiting up, stripping down, and if you need a second shower after the ride. How much time a week are you out of commission as a co-parent due to cycling? An hour or two a week? Eight hours a week? Those are two very different numbers.
Um, take the boy with you. I have a 10yo granddaughter- some of my fondest memories are the two of us off on a ride (her on a tagalong) when she was under 6yo.
Dude get a trailer for your bike to haul your boy in. In my experience (father of 5) kids love that.
>It’s my only vice It’s not a vice mate. It’s exercise, and it’s vitally important for physical and mental health. As others have said this is not a cycling question. The only advice I have is make sure you’re creating time and space for your wife to look after herself too, in whatever form that might take (running, gym, yoga class etc..)
How long are your rides? When my kids were that young there is no chance I could have went out for 2 hour bike rides. You said yourself that you do the cleaning and laundry- that already takes up a lot of free time. She might want you all to have more fun together. When my kids were young I was pretty much exclusively training indoors - I would get up at 5am so it didn’t interfere with family time. Peloton is great for that but anything will do. I have a lot of friends that play golf - I don’t know how they have the time for that - especially when their kids were young. My wife would’ve probably killed me if I said I was leaving every Saturday for five hours - but also I like being around the fam. So you kinda gotta figure out what will work for you… at some point I’d like to play golf - I’ve had a CC membership for 15 years and never been on the course. Maybe one day… lol Best of luck to you.
Your family has to come first and you have to find time for your hobbies that doesn't interfere with your responsibilities. I've been there. My kids are now 7, 13, and 15 and I just walked in from 51 minutes on Zwift in the garage at lunch while my wife was at the gym. The next workout is going to be an 8mi run this evening when I take my older daughter to soccer practice. The one after that is going to be tomorrow morning when I take my 15yo son to a track meet and am waiting for his event. If you really have passion for sport, you can find a way to work it in. It may not be ideal (I can only manage 8-9hr/wk on a really good week), but it's possible. You may also have to include something that's not cycling, because cycling by definition takes a looooooonng time to do right. You should pre-schedule your rides, but also pre-schedule your responsibilities and your time out with your wife. Help her see that it's not an unrealistic percentage of your time that you're trying to use for yourself. Self-care is important, for both of you.
Are you gone all day when you ride?
Sounds like your wife thinks you’d rather cycle than spend time with her. It’s likely not about cycling. Relationship is about more than doing your fair share, you need to take care of your partner too.
You have a relationship issue. Set aside time and see how she perceives; health, finances, career, house, child, and most importantly your relationship ? Be understanding; motherhood is stressful, your son is in the age range 2 -4 where discipline can be waring. Otherwise I am on my road bike 6::00 - 6:30 AM. On weekends I return when my wife is wrapping up breakfast.
Is she getting similar time away? It's not a cycling issue, it's a she's left alone with the kid issue, are you giving her similar time to go do leisure stuff by herself? This doesn't mean time to go do household stuff like grocery shopping etc.
I'd love to hear her side of the story. I would hope this is really a time management issue, but could only guess. Honestly, I'd ask her outright and listen to her perspective. On the other hand, relationships where you don't enjoy the same physical activities are so much less fulfilling IME.
Just need to get up early and ride before they wake chief. I get home just as they’re waking up. Also she might be worried if you’re road riding because it’s so dangerous, maybe switch to gravel or MTB.
So the question is though how long are the rides and how often. basically cycling is great thats why we are here, however if you are finding time every weekend it might be more than she can handle. Maybe buy her a bike and get a trailer for the kid'?
I was in a similar situation; demanding career, young family, dual career couple. What has worked for me is riding in the AM. Weekdays I get an hour workout in on the trainer, and maybe another if the kiddo gets a good afternoon nap. I get one good ride outside during the weekend. When the weather is really nice, and I don’t have super early meetings or a crazy evening schedule, I will bike commute. I get a few thousand miles in each year with this system.
Sounds like you need couples counseling. If you're not hearing that then try getting a little dragon wagon to toe behind your bike and take the kid with.
This isn't even about cycling anymore. Sounds like you have issues in your relationship you need to iron out.
Went through something similar around 10 years ago. Got super addicted to riding, we had a 5 year old and found out we were about to have a second. Both worked full time , at night, alternating work days. At some point after my daughter was born I stopped riding. It affected me physically and mentally big time. What ended up working was I made it a point to have a real conversation with her. She could see the difference. Now I ride without issue and she has taken up stationary cycling and can relate to the benefits. It’s hard managing new family, careers, new stressors, etc. Just have to communicate and set some boundaries.
Dude, I’m in a very similar situation. What do I do: one ride a week that she would have an opportunity to criticize me for. The same time every week. Is easier if it’s a regular, predictable thing. I usually get up Sunday early morning before kids and everyone else and go for a 3 hour ride. To keep myself in shape I keep another bike at work and I ride 1-2 times a week at lunch break but my wife won’t complain about that.
Yeah, this isn't really a cycling issue even though it involves cycling. This is something between you and your wife best either talked out between the two of you or in counseling. I strongly suggest that you consider this as it's a problem that's not likely go away and will just fester, and likely manifest itself in other ways, and probably already has. Good luck.
Maybe tow your son along on a trailer let her get some time alone while you bond and make memories w your son. Eventually she will understand and hopefully it will be something your son does w his future kids.
Riding a bike is not a vice, it's a hobby or passion.
I used to ride when I got home from work. Roll back home at 730, make dinner and eat around 830-9. When I had kids, that time after work was no longer my time, it became family time. It's part of being in a relationship and having kids. It is no longer your time to begin with. Like you, I NEED that mental break from it all. These days, I find time when everyone else is asleep. Weekends it's early morning outdoor rides from about 7am to 9am, if I make breakfast when I get home, there's less resentment. During the week, it's zwift or treadmill sessions at 5am before work or 9pm at night when the kid's in bed. Conversely, your wife is telling you that she needs a mental break from family as well. Talk to her and figure out what she's looking for in terms of a break so that you can relieve her if kids. She's a teacher and is around kids all day. She needs a break too.
Perhaps you need to find out the real reason and then address that. Does she feel like you are gone too often or that she has no option to ever pursue her hobbies then you fix that issue.l
Maybe get a trainer and do some rides at the house
5am
Can you take your boy out riding with you? Stick a seat on the back and give your wife some ‘her’ time. Or so what my husband did and get the wife riding a bike.
I feel you. My wife is terrified I'm going to kill myself on a bike. I tried to explain that the health benefit way outweighs the risk (I've lost 35 lbs since I started riding 3 years ago) - and it is great for my mental health. She's gotten used to it - and has learned to schedule other things while I ride. I have cut back on riding though - all relationships require compromise.
Get one of these: https://www.target.com/p/bell-sports-mini-shell-front-bike-child-carrier-gray/-/A-53847754#lnk=sametab I have both that seat and a burley trailer, both are great but this one is a great bang for the buck. I use it on my hard tail mtb
If you don’t like a trailer get the macride. You can shred with a two yr old
Can you elaborate. Are we talking about 5 hours a day or 1 hour a week?