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Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, HPV, and Syphilis can be contracted by giving unprotected oral sex. Stick with your boundaries and get the test results before engaging.
You can also get herpes in your eyes and throat, and worse case scenario, herpes can manifest itself on your nervous system, causing debilitating and difficult to diagnose pain that can cause life changing and agonizing pain. I speak from the experience of people I have seen go through this.
The herpes is a big problem because it stays in your body. They are considering it as a potential trigger for autoimmune diseased. It does affect the immune system having to constantly try to suppress it. And when you get older, sometimes the immune system can no longer do so and that's an issue.
As a guy, this is the right answer. If someone is uncomfortable getting tested that's a red flag. If they haven't been with anyone in "x" amount of time AND have the test results since that last person, then that's a maybe. But even then, they should be comfortable getting tested if they are interested. I would 100% do it if I were interested in sex with someone and they requested it.
I mean, I am comfortable with getting tested... but I have never been comfortable with blood withdrawal needles. They hurt, last longer than vaccines and take longer to heal. But most people are less squeamish than I am. It would be nice if they could just use blood from a popped pimple... In all seriousness though, I would want to get tested both before and after sleeping with someone new even with protection. And I say that as a virgin
I feel that. The best way to deal with it, I've found, is to just look away and think about something else when you get it done. Usually it's barely noticeable and doesn't take long at all. Most people who do blood draws are used to this and far worse, and are supportive in the moment.
Yeah but why would you want to have sex with someone who would ghost you over a perfectly reasonable STD test request? Sounds like you held a very healthy boundary and it did exactly what it is meant to do!
You're right. This is absolutely true because there was at one point, that I was willing to go on the dirty/nsfw reddit subs to find someone for sex (I did NOT go through with it! But I wouldn't feel totally safe doing that cuz there are some creepy ass men on this site)
No judgment from me.. Just speaking from experience unfortunately 😅
I've gotten myself into some not so great situations bc of being careless and desperate when I was younger. Thankfully I never got an std, but I did end up with a kid lol.. I don't regret having her, but I regret not making better choices in men.
Reading all of this is making me very sad Lol
You deserve better than to have to go on those subs to find someone for sex
Some of us are decent human beings who happen to be clean and willing to take Std tests, apparently none of us live near you?
As someone with herpes, it’s better to wait than have a lifetime std. I now have to disclose to everyone, so instead of sending the “will you get tested” it’s “I have this and so on” then you get blocked because no one wants to have sex with you. I have to be very intentional with whom I have sex with now, protect yourself. Get a good vibrator.
Whats even crazier is that herpes is SUPER common. 1 in 6 people have herpes. So either a whole lot of people are lying about it, or they have weird double standards. And what's even more of a double standard, if people have a cold sore they think of it as "only a cold sore" and put ointment on it and don't disclose that to everyone they kiss.and it's the same thing. 🤷♂️
As a former phlebotomist it’s kinda crazy to see the stats on how many people have hsv2 but not hsv1. The amount of submissions I had to do to state for the infectious disease department on a weekly basis was insane.
Two different viruses that prefer two different locations. There’s also a huge difference in getting sores on your mouth versus getting sores on your genitals, where babies, urine, blood, and shit can come out. It’s weird how some of them keep trying to minimize genital herpes by deceptively saying that “everyone” has it when in reality most people have HSV 1 orally, and most of the time it was spread non-sexually.
So should you not disclose having hsv-1? Hsv-1 can be contracted sexually as well. Hsv-1 can also be on your genitals. Yea they are two different viruses but don’t put a stigma on one and claim it’s more “dirty” than the other which you are implying.
> 1 in 6 people have herpes.
Actually, over 66% of people (yes, over two thirds of the world population) under the age of 50 have oral herpes (HSV-1).
About 13% (about 1 in 7 people) have genital herpes (HSV-2).
Girl, it's been 7 years for me so I get you but be careful. Your health is way more important and there are other, perhaps less satisfying, ways to get release.
Im gonna go ahead and say this as a 22yo fem presenting queer, dating apps and hookup apps are TRASH. The only worthwhile FWB situations are organic connections. You're far less likely to be ghosted for asking for an STI test from someone you know in real life, than someone you only know online. DO NOT GIVE UP THIS BOUNDARY.
Always use condoms, dental damns, and birth control. An STI will cost a guy a few weeks of antibiotics or needing prep for life. An STI can, for people with female reproductive organs, cost them their life. STIs can cause need for removal of the cervical tissue, uterus and in extreme cases the entire reproductive tract. You can contract an STI through saliva, blood, preseminal fluid, and seminal fluid. STIs can be contracted in the eyes, nose, throat, mouth, vagina, and anus.
I have a very high libido myself, I have female reproductive anatomy at this time. All of my best hookups, one night stands, and FWB relationships have come from making friends with someone IRL, and asking if they wanted to have sex.
(For context on the queer part, I only have intimate interest in those with penises, and I am actively in the process of medically changing my body to more closely match a cis mans)
Hold out. Any reasonable guy will get tested and have no issues with it. I get tested every few months even though I use protection. Good luck and as others have said, stick with your boundaries. You may regret not getting laid, but imagine the regret if you did and contracted something..
How can you get desperate.
Go on Tinder, swipe for 10 minutes. You will have 20+ matches an hour later whom you can vet regarding sexual preferences (only ask open questions because men will tell you what you want to hear) whether they're pushy or not (don't sleep with pushy men. The only acceptable answer to a "No" is "ok") and whether they're STD free.
I invested in toys, a lot of toys. And it was actually nice because I got to find I exactly what I liked sexually. Also, you don’t have to worry about him getting off and you still needing to get off. Sounds like that guy would have been that way too, super selfish
I recently dated a girl who is a bit of a hypochondriac.
She asked me how many girls I dated in the past year and, after I told her, asked me to get an STD test.
So I got an STD test. It's free.
I showed her the results.
Then we fucked.
Saw each other for a few months.
Everyone was happy.
Note: The only annoying part is having to wait for the results because bacterial/fungal cultures take forever to be tested... so I wouldn't do it if all I wanted was a ONS with a hottie. I would only do it if I was interested in seeing her more often.
STD testing is perfectly normal and should be considered routine in a healthy sexual life. You did not go out of bounds by starting off the conversation with STD testing.
This isn’t the most relevant but I don’t super understand why lots of people (haven’t just heard it from you) will do oral without an std test but need it for PIV sex. Like, with sex at least you can use a condom. I know approximately zero people who use condoms for BJs or dental dams for oral on women.
I always use condoms for bjs. As you said most guys don't like it but there are some that have agreed to it. I wanna say like 5 guys from my experience.
It’s not worth being with ANY guy if you don’t know he’s clean.
If a guy will lose interest simply from making him be safe, he’s not going to be good in bed.
If he doesn’t care about your basic safety, do you really think he cares about your pleasure?
Ya this is true. I agree, like if I'm telling you it makes me feel comfortable, why wouldn't you go get tested?? Wouldn't you want me to feel comfortable while you're doing stuff with me in bed??
Also, doesn't it worry you that he obviously doesn't care if the females he's sleeping with are clean??
It makes me wonder... Woman can also spread stds (knowingly and unknowingly)
Yes I agree. Some men don't even get tested regularly. (I met one guy who gets it once a year and then another that gets it once every 6 months. That's it, nobody else I've met does this)
The majority of men that I know aren't having regular sex. Ive seen more and more stats that it's decreasing too (sex amongst young men). If you don't have a consistent sex life I can see why you wouldn't regularly get tested.
It takes very little effort to get tested. I don't know a single one of my guy friends who wouldn't get tested if it meant getting laid lmao. It's definitely possible that he just lost interest, but I will say it's a little suspicious that he lost interest as soon as she brought up getting tested.
If this was really just some fwb thing, I really don't get why she wouldn't just move on to a another guy who's willing to get tested.
I love your guy friends
And yes I should ideally move on to a new guy but some of the guys I get either want something serious (so they're not into the whole fwb thing) or they want something casual (but are lazy/careless about getting tested). I CANT FIND AN IN BETWEEN
You're not asking the impossible , and it's very legit , so if the guy didn't like that it's your biggest red flag just run , there's plenty of good people out there .
Stick to your boundaries and request! I think asking for a STD test in this era is acceptable and should be taken seriously! I refuse to catch anything bcos I want to have hookups
Trust me if he ghosted you, then he isn’t a reliable FWB partner. I had a situation where I was dating someone for 2 months and asked him to get tested. He kept forgetting to do so, so I ended things because it showed he didn’t care.
Much later on, I dated someone and a month into it, I asked that he get tested before we engage in any sexual activities. He went and got tested the next day.
Long story short, if he wanted to, he would. You’ll find someone else who is willing to follow the rules of being FWB with you.
I love that for you!! One time I did meet a guy that I wanted to see casually and I was worried about std's and told him that, and the next week I saw him, he showed me his std test results! THAT'S A MAN
Wanted to hop in here with a few things:
1. Its ok to have boundaries and if a guy hasn't been tested in a year and has had multiple sexual partners that's kind of a red flag.
2. Blood tests for HSV 1 and 2 are not very accurate. The problem is the virus can hide in the nerves until it's activated, and then go dormant again. Repeated blood tests > one blood test, but it's still not great, and the risk for false negatives and positives is high. The only good quality test is a swab test, where they swab a suspicious lesion
3. Condoms DON'T fully protect against HSV nor the bad HPV strains (cancer or warts), since the condoms don't cover the gential area. To protect against most of the bad HPV strains you must have all 3 guardasil shots.
Not to scare you but I think you're right to be worried about herpes, mainly for the social stigma. Something like 12% of the population has genital HSV, even though they might not have any symptoms. Condoms help some but not entirely, and there is no reliable test for HSV. While it's not a problem to have it, the social stigma surrounding it (losing out on potential partners because of your status) is just not worth it.
Stick to your boundaries! Good luck!
So he said he hasn't had sex in a year, I don't know when his last test was or how many partners he had. The only reason I asked him to get tested was cuz I assumed that most people willing to do fwb's/casual probably have had multiple hookups and I don't know where their previous partners could have been.
But YES, the social stigma!! That's why I'm anxious about it too, you nailed it on the head. I don't want some lazy, crusty ass dude to be the reason that I have to deal with other issues like that. It's just not worth it for, what, an hour or two of fun ??
Exactly! Some crusty dude for 2 hours of probably less than ideal pleasure isn’t worth it.
Just remember the blood test means practically nothing, so I usually ask whether they or any of their partners have ever had any lesions or bumps, and judge safety based on honesty, respectfulness, and overall give-a-shit more than whether the blood test says they’re negative for hsv!
Why don't you spend time actually building the relationship instead? And after getting a bit comfortable, before doing the deed ask him to get tested.. i mean it's better than random flings
People are just wired different. Not a woman, but I know personally I can't form deeper feelings for someone unless I've been intimate with them. But I'm a crazy, insatiably horny guy and I need a gf who's a lil oversexed hornball too. All of my LTRs have started out as a sex thing.
Me too. I can't like someone emotionally or physically without there being good sexual chemistry/compatability first. I don't really care for relationships at this moment anyway, and trying to get serious with a guy just so I can get laid would feel misleading
That's the point, rarely any stranger would agree to do the STD test for 1 night stand or shit.
Where are you from? If you disclose your location with new account probably some redittor will help you out😅
If someone ghosts you because you insist on testing, you don't want to sleep with them anyway. That's the trash taking itself out. Also, you can get stds from oral so don't compromise your safety for a goon.
Don't regret it. You don't even know him for one and 2, you might be dodging a bullet.
Just bc a mutual fwb agreement came about doesn't mean it's the right one. I'm sure there's plenty of other guys who would be more than willing to get tested and be fwb. If they're not down for a test then it's ok that things don't work out.
Also, like others have said there's still plenty of stds you can get from just oral sooo you may want to keep that boundary of test before anything.
TLDR: you're not missing out. You'll find someone else that's down and don't do oral bc you think you'll be safe from stds (can still get them from oral)
Getting tested should be the norm, not the exception. See your Dr for a baseline test and then have a standing order for every 3 months or so - depending how active you are.
I agree, but it also needs to be cheaper. When my ex cheated on me I got a full panel to include LITERALLY everything…costed $300 at my primary care doctor even with insurance :/ Got quoted the same price at an out-of-pocket place. The other time I think it costed me $200. Its ridiculously expensively to get the full panels…it should be free IMO
You’re reading into things and making assumptions
Maybe he doesn’t even know how to go about getting tested, or doesn’t have medical insurance, or something like that
There’s more explanations for this than you’re considering
You can use your hands. A good hand job is still a good handjob.. I have always had a high sex drive. And I get tested with full blood work every year and I have not had sex since 2002. Not by choice either.
The only reason a guy would feel some kind of way about asking to get tested is that he has something or doesn't care about STDs. I wouldn't regret this at all. This is WHY you ask ppl to get tested in the first place.
I was dating this girl once and the mother of her best friend got infected with HIV and actually got aids as well (cheating btw) and that shit learned me real quick that there is no such thing as getting comfortable with unprotected (oral)sex.
There's limited to no FDA approved testing for oral....HPV and very limited testing for males for genital HPV. Please be careful and mindful of this as well as HIV chlamydia and gonorrhea when it comes to oral and vaginal/ anal sex. Hand/ foot work may have to be the answer for those who just can't obstain, test routinely, or perform safely, lol.
So, you’d rather subject yourself to STI’s, instead of finding another FWB who’s immediately willing to get tested? It’s not so fun getting a lifelong STI, one of which can turn into Cancer. Now that “sucks.” Be smarter. You’re 25 years old and should know better. I’d never in my life regret ditching someone because they’re wishy-washy about getting tested. If they refuse or blow it off, what are they hiding?
I think you are smart to ask that and plus just cuz he hasn't shown any symptoms doesn't mean a thing. If somebody isn't willing to do that, unless it's very expensive to get done then I'd say you're better off without them. Same thing with people who refuse to wear a condom. If they don't want to wear one with you they didn't wear it with other people and they are risky proposition.
Getting a disease sucks too so asking for someone to get tested before you’re intimate is exactly what you should do. You can’t take anyone you just met at their word. Him stepping back means he’s probably got something (bullet dodged). Never feel like you need dick that bad that you’re willing to throw your own health out the window.
Hey, don't beat yourself up! Good for you for setting boundaries and voicing them. Trust me, five minutes of pleasure if not worth a lifetime of dealing with an STI/STD. Any person that doesn't want to get an STI/STD check at the other persons request is a red flag 🚩🚩
For me personally, a year isn't that long. I went 2 years once. Invest in some good toys if you really want some action.
Honestly don’t even trip. My ex girlfriend told me to get tested before we did anything and I did. She expressed her feelings about the whole thing and I would never be offended by it even if I know I’m clean and it’s someone I want to have sex with/ date. I would just want to get my result in so we can get the deed done lol. I’m all seriousness, it’s better to have proof than word of mouth. A friend of mine caught an std and apparently her partner didn’t know.
If getting tested was a deal breaker for him, you shouldn't be fucking him any. Asking for people to get tested is a handy way to filter out irresponsible people that don't deserve to be inside you.
Babe, no you’re not wrong. I’m in a similar boat, it’s been like 10 months w/o sex and I just want someone respectful and clean. I’m gonna continue without sex until someone can be that, and you should too. Your sexual health is important and it’s hella sketchy he would ghost for that reason.
‘I got comfortable with the idea of giving a blowjob without an std test’ you do know it’s still transferable to your mouth if he has it (symptoms). If they have cold sores and kiss someone with it (like it’s on their face and they kiss you, you’re likely to get the sores). I understand you’re horny but get the tests done. You’ll regret for being stupid or impulsively one mistake action.
And if a girl (and I was still single) asked me to get and std test before we had sex? I’d totally be down, because I would know there was a high likelyhood of having sex after I got tested! Woo Hoo!
You are not wrong for asking for a test. I get at least one a year, and it's been a long time since I've been active with sex.
The simple reason I get tested is for ME.
Seven years ago I was hit by a distracted driver while riding my motorcycle home from work. This resulted in the loss of my right lower 🦵 leg. I lost a LOT of blood. I received 15 units of blood in about 6 days.
I know there are safety procedures in place, but that's a LOT of blood.
It wouldn't be so bad, but ever since, I love a cup of tea in the afternoon, prefer to ride a camel instead of my motorcycle, love to surf, developed an uncanny hunger for ribs, and speak fluent Mexican Spanish now...
My attempt at humor.
I was a Paramedic in another life, and stuck myself a few times. I want to be safe, and if something dormant wakes, I want to know EARLY!
You can still contract STDs in your throat such as chlamydia and gonorrhea. If he has nothing to hide, getting tested should never be an issue. Please always ask for their test results.
Ngl looking at your post history you should probably just hookup with an ex I’ve seen like 4 different posts about this with different dudes (ages are different) over the last 2 months on your acc.
Ya I've been having a hard time. I don't have any exes. I've only had casual stuff, nothing serious
I guess I just gotta keep waiting it out! I was thinking about going on Tinder and seeing how far that takes me but tinder's a cesspool so I don't think that's gonna work either
If you're worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease , why the hell would you even consider a friends with benefits relationship? I hope you realize that means you're friend can still have sex with any other woman he wants to.
Male here. It was my idea to get a full panel of tests for both of us before proceeding with the good times. She had no problem with it as we both can see other people, too.
The only times I’ve done antibiotics as an adult has been from STDS, and from boyfriends that I didn’t enforce checking or wearing a condom. Never again. The antibiotics messed up my GI for years. And then there’s this tick I got that any symptom was connected to an STD (hypochondria basically).
Millennials have been more flexible than our parents were. But I admire your firmness on this and think it’s completely appropriate. Protect yourself first!
If you’re going to trust someone to have on going sex the least they can do is get a full panel test. I’ve offered to pay for it for my girlfriends. Usually I get tested before starting a new relationship too
I know someone who got herpes from unprotected oral. (She passed it onto him but it can happen both ways.)
Until those results come back clean, don't risk it. A few minutes of pleasuring a guy isn't worth a permanent condition that you'll have to disclose to every future partner for the rest of your life.
Stick to your guns.
He is lieing about being celibate.
He only wants FWB.
This is a man who most likely has STDs.
He knows it, that's why he's silent now and is not getting tested.
Cause he needs to disclose his status once it's been officially tested.
I have a few friends who ended up with HPV and uterus cancer...and the operations to remove it.
Some random dude from some dating app is definitely not worth potential uterus cancer.
Keep your boundaries, never lower them.
And guard your health.
40M here and not into hooking up in general. At this point in my life, I think STI tests need to be exchanged with any potential partner before any sexual contact for me. I didn’t make it this far and stay clean on accident.
I think you are playing it smart even if it isn’t as satisfying in the moment.
You are horny right now and not in your right mind.
He has probably backed off because he knows he doesn’t practise safe sex and might not be STD or STI free. It is not worth getting something permanent just for a FWB.
#Stay Strong.
Herpes are everywhere, and I would say you should stick to your boundaries. You don't want something you can be stuck with for life. Also, the fact you can still get herpes even if the sore isn't visible due to the shedding that happens and it's not visible to the eye. I'm also a clean freak when it comes to hookups. I do not hookup unless I see tests results, idc if they don't like it, bye 😂
How has finding hookups been going for you? It's been tough with my std test requirement, as you can tell. And yes genital herpes is what I'm most anxious about
Honestly, it just comes to me. I usually hook up with people I know. I don’t like hooking up with strangers, the anxiety would kill me. I don’t trust ppl easily and after seeing all these horror stories on the news about ppl getting murdered, I don’t wanna risk it.
It really isn’t. I know we’re taught in a lot of ways that our worth is reflected in how easily and how often we have sex, but that’s just bullshit society puts on you.
It has nothing to say about your worth, kindness, character, or even if you’re attractive.
And young people are having less sex than ever. Don’t assume everyone out there is fucking all the time and you’re the lone person who isn’t. I promise you that isn’t the case.
Neah. Your request is pretty reasonable. Guess who will not be there if you are on your death bed suffering from AIDS? Him. If guys think that its off putting then so be it. Why risk your health for some loser who can't even respect your request. If he has been rawdogging girls and claimed to be abstinent, its not your loss. Being responsible is hard. You know what's easy? catching STDs.
Move on. I had a fwb situation with a young lady in college who didn't want any kids, I'm I'm done with kids. We both got tested no problems and she had an IUD. Its not a big deal...if there isn't anything wrong with you.
Western society, particularly American society, has really failed, which I see every day on this sub and on your profile. Many people are overly fixated on sex and driven by lust. For your own well-being, please stop obsessing over sex as if it's the only thing that matters, and stop compromising your values to obtain it. This includes considering lowering your standards, such as not asking for an STI test. Instead, focus on yourself and seek a relationship with the intention of marriage. This way, you can enjoy INTIMATE sex with someone you truly LOVE as often as you want.
He may have just decided it wasn't worth it and that's his right. And it's your right to demand it. And it might turn some people away, but those aren't the people you wanted to fuck anyway. Stick to your guns.
But also maybe do some research on STDs and perhaps consider talking to your therapist about this fear. It is possible that this is an irrational fear. Condoms significantly reduce the chances of contracting an STD and the odds of one of your partners having and STD is also pretty low if they have a similar lifestyle and (unfortunately) socio-economic situation as you. There tend to be higher rates of infection in higher risk populations. If you're not in one of those populations your risk will be low. It's not zero, but low. And while being careful is important and noone ever wants contracts an STD, the majority of them are highly treatable and/or non-life threatening. Just some food for thought.
He most definitely had something 😂 don’t ever stop asking for a test. Your life can be ruined JUST like that by compromising your own boundary to keep somebody from running away.
Just because they haven’t had sex in a week, month, year, etc. doesn’t mean they can’t be carrying something. It could be laying dormant and you could happen to be the unlucky gal to get the STD. If they won’t test, even for their own knowledge and sexual health, keep it moving.
Some people will just get thrown off when asked to do a STD test. Like it's not one of the first thing you want to hear so you can't blame them if they lost interest.
Well idk how to proceed now, cuz it's been forever since I've had it and this just sucks. The test takes like 5 minutes to take and I feel like sex would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to worry about all this stuff after.
Anybody who's not a shithead isn't going to get put off by this. Not only is it incredibly easy to get done then he can tell the next person he's been tested recently too. :P
Good. He showed himself to the door. Test test test!
You just got comfortable with the idea of a BJ with no known testing status? Make sure you're using a condom then. STD's can be caught in most mucus membrane tissue. Mouth, nose, eyes, etc.
Nah this is a perfectly reasonable thing for you to ask for in any kind of relationship, but DEFINITELY in a purely sexual one. Also, the only thing it would cost him is his time because clinics will test you for free if you tell them you're low income, or if they're just the kind of clinic who'll test for free regardless. So it's 1 half-hour trip to the clinic, then a 1 or 2 min phonecall to get the results. There's absolutely no reason to accommodate this request.
MAYBE and this is a big maybe here... He might think that his cold sores are going to show up on the STD test, but they won't because they don't screen for that. It's an entirely different test to find out if you have the lip herp or the junk herp.
I know because before me n my ex started to date she asked me to get tested- she was still poly at the time before her and I became exclusive. Her ex husband had a couple partners too, so we needed to keep everybody safe.
Don’t get comfortable doing anything without an STD test & never feel bad about asking. He ghosted because he wasn’t honest with you & he doesn’t respect you, why would you want to have sex with someone like that? He did you a favour, celebrate dodging that bullet.
It should be obvious that the person who you ask to take a STI test and refuses (or just doesn't do it) is exactly the person you likely most need to a get STI test from. Plus, he's going to engage in a casual sexual relationship with you which means he probably has done this with other people.
You offering up a FWB situation is generally highly desirable to a man. You're offering him what he likely wants the most while requiring him to give you very little back. You're doing the equivalent of selling him a brand new iPhone 15 for $100.
Just go back on the app and find someone else for this arrangement, it won't be that difficult.
You can catch something orally if they aren’t clean…so that’s a bit of a contradiction. I’d trust if he told you it’s been a year I personally take their word for it as such. Being overly cautious I understand but the whole BJ thing Id say you’re screwed either way if they had something.
Can't fathom thinking about being FWB and doing a STD test on a dating app with some dude you never met before, who's bland as hell and certainly not too interested.
It's odd you're considering when they backed off for the test, to me it would be like maybe he does have something. And what exactly do you get for meeting up with him and just blowing him off???
Yeah if it was someone you knew in person you could forgo the std check but from a dating app? Yeah you should totally require that std check.
Don’t let horniness blind you from being safe out there
I think you have a healthy fear of stis. Apparently there's a new fungal infection going around that takes months to clear up.
I think you were smart to request sti testing before engaging in any risky sexual behavior. Caring about sexual health is important and I personally feel as though this kind of behavior should be normalized. When I asked my now girlfriend early on while we were dating for an sti test, she was definitely taken aback. It might delay things but she responded to it in a healthy way by agreeing to get tested. While it was a bit awkward to ask for it, she got reassurance that she was healthy as a result of the test and looking back now, we just joking laugh about it.
For someone to not respond simply because you care about your sexual health and asked for an sti test, in my opinion, is a red flag. It could be a sign of immaturity, they might be trying to hide something, or they might not simply care about their sexual health to bother with testing. The possibilities are endless, but I feel as though you may have dodged a bullet.
OP, that’s a fantastic rule for a long term dry spell. You both agree, as you should, and everybody is golden. If he couldn’t give you that it wasn’t worth it anyway. I (35m) think you should stick to it. Someone that really wants that situation will meet that standard as it’s not a difficult one. Good luck🤘🏼🧡🩶
There is a lot of reasons why he might not have replied back yet. I usually send a “hi how is it going” message if I have not heard from them in 24 hours. If I don’t hear back then I call it consider myself ghosted.
Is there a reason you're sure it's because you asked to test and not something else? He seemed to have a reasonable reaction.
Plus, it's only been a day, might be that he's distracted by something else and just waiting for the test. I mean, "one whole day" isn't much for a working adult.
When I was in the military, they tested us at least once a year. I opted for every 6 months and continue to do so through the VA. Why not? Even though I haven't had sex since 2012 and that is a choice I made because life is just easier without the whole constant bad relationships. Sex is overrated unless there's some kind of emotion in it , so casual stuff just has never done it for me anyway.
It should be known to anyone that sex isn't the only requirement for certain things like HIV can be transferred from open wounds to open wounds and all that. Sure, it's unlikely, but the possibility is there.
I like being confident in myself first. I don't want to find out about anything after it's too late to make moves against it. And certain exs have come down with ailments that were not passed to me, thankfully, but it definitely increased the level of concern.
Plus, that's a solid, though very unfortunate way to find out a partner is cheating. It's pretty lame but I've been manipulated to embarrassing levels that just proved that trust is a lie.
So never put trust in anything with anyone you don't mind having to spend years fixing.
Anyway. Self-confidence, confidence in them, not being sick... it's all just why the hell not?
Same with the whole paternity testing on babies so the father knows for sure and that women can't just hook a man for child support without proof he is even responsible.
"Oh, but it hurts my trust." Do you really deserve that trust, though? Even the courts have had it with the weaponized use of sex and procreation.
Knowing for sure is superior to "we trust each other." In so many ways that you can only defend against it with hurt feelings.
it could be that he's just waiting for his appointment to come. Since he already knows that you agreed he might just feel like he doesn't have to pursue you as much. you should just communicate with him and ask him what's up. too many scenarios out there to assume one is right.
There’s nothing for you to regret. If he was truly interested he’d be rushing to get tested and keeping up the flirty banter in the interim. Don’t sacrifice your standards for a cheap fuck (cause then you’ll regret that too).
Regret absolutely nothing.
Getting tested and providing proof is, frankly, not just a conscientious move, but one of the few safety measures that an adult has.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe, and that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask someone who only wants to be physical with you. It’s his reaction to it that’s alarming. If he’s unwilling then he most likely already thinks he has something and you shouldn’t touch him with a condom covered pole.
Does it really suck tho? You could’ve just prevented yourself from contracting an STD. I don’t think that sucks. I think that’s good. I know it’s hard to think logically sometimes when you’re super horny, but you gotta snap out of it. You gotta see thru the horny-haze. You’re gonna end up with an STD if your desperation exceeds your preventative measures.
MAKE THEM GET TESTED. ive felt regret about asking guys to get tested but after all the physical pain and mental exhaustion and trauma this all caused me, its entirely worth losing a guy over a simple request. STI testing saves lives.
I got HPV 12 (cancerous cells) from from a guy who i MADE wear a condom. but he transmitted it through oral. However, there was a moment where i looked down and the condom was on his tip and i truly believe he slid it down so he could feel more. He was so upset i made him use protection and when i pointed out the condom slippage he got annoyed.
Moreover, HPV can only be detected by cervical screening so men dont know they have it and women dont either if left unchecked. There is no treatment and the immune system rids of it within 1-3 YEARS.
ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. Dental dams too when giving/getting oral. Unless you’re with someone you trust and have a long term partner you trust, use protection. These men and women are shady af.
I do not hookup anymore. Ive slept with 3 people. Each gave me an STI. Ive had chlamydia twice and currently HPV 12. Thankfully my strain did not result in warts, but unfortunately I am at high risk for cervical cancer BUT, my OBGYN is confident I wont get cancer and my immune system will rid of it.
What baffles me is i have a friend who has slept w 17 people, never had an STI. Mainly Unprotected.
Another friend has slept with approx 70 people and had only 1 STI.
I was extremely unlucky lmao hookup culture is not for me.
Don't get desperate....and its not worth jeopardizing your health for the rest of your life for a short bit of relief and fun. I haven't gotten any in I can't remember how long. Its not that big of a deal.
Being a responsible and healthy adult is lonely and isolating at times but all for good reasons. Hold out for someone who will get tested with you. Getting tested should be more normalized and everyone should get tested between partners.
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Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, HPV, and Syphilis can be contracted by giving unprotected oral sex. Stick with your boundaries and get the test results before engaging.
Ever since I learned that you can get chlamydia in your EYES and throat….yeah I’m done w hook ups
Ewwwww this reminds me of this one girl in high school, who constantly had eye infections. She was on her knees a lot…
Was she able to at least get good grades
You can also get herpes in your eyes and throat, and worse case scenario, herpes can manifest itself on your nervous system, causing debilitating and difficult to diagnose pain that can cause life changing and agonizing pain. I speak from the experience of people I have seen go through this.
The herpes is a big problem because it stays in your body. They are considering it as a potential trigger for autoimmune diseased. It does affect the immune system having to constantly try to suppress it. And when you get older, sometimes the immune system can no longer do so and that's an issue.
As a guy, this is the right answer. If someone is uncomfortable getting tested that's a red flag. If they haven't been with anyone in "x" amount of time AND have the test results since that last person, then that's a maybe. But even then, they should be comfortable getting tested if they are interested. I would 100% do it if I were interested in sex with someone and they requested it.
I mean, I am comfortable with getting tested... but I have never been comfortable with blood withdrawal needles. They hurt, last longer than vaccines and take longer to heal. But most people are less squeamish than I am. It would be nice if they could just use blood from a popped pimple... In all seriousness though, I would want to get tested both before and after sleeping with someone new even with protection. And I say that as a virgin
I feel that. The best way to deal with it, I've found, is to just look away and think about something else when you get it done. Usually it's barely noticeable and doesn't take long at all. Most people who do blood draws are used to this and far worse, and are supportive in the moment.
How about lidocaine? Does that make much of a difference?
HSV/cold sores/herpes can be spread with oral.
Exactly! Your libido will calm itself down once your logic takes the matter in its hands. So relax OP. STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES!!
HIV, too.
[https://www.sfcityclinic.org/faq/it-possible-get-hiv-oral-sex](https://www.sfcityclinic.org/faq/it-possible-get-hiv-oral-sex)
It's so true!! That's why gynaecs suggests using condoms even for oral sex.
Huh. Well, I learned something today.
HIV is not passed through oral sex. This is a theoretical risk. In reality, there are no definitive case of HIV being contracted this way.
Yeah I actually caught Gonorrhea from receiving a blowjob once during a hookup. Quite a wake up call.
And many STD tests don’t test for herpes. And… is there even a blood test for genital warts?
Yeah but why would you want to have sex with someone who would ghost you over a perfectly reasonable STD test request? Sounds like you held a very healthy boundary and it did exactly what it is meant to do!
Maybe he just was no longer interested and it had nothing to do with the request....?
I'm getting DESPERATE LOL. A year is so long and I'm so jealous of people who get to have it more regularly
That mindset will lead you to some sketchy situations. Be careful. Your health and well-being is way more important than having sex.
Exactly OP you’re old enough to know better, don’t let desperation put you in a situation you can’t get yourself out of. It’s not worth the risk
I totally concur with you.
You're right. This is absolutely true because there was at one point, that I was willing to go on the dirty/nsfw reddit subs to find someone for sex (I did NOT go through with it! But I wouldn't feel totally safe doing that cuz there are some creepy ass men on this site)
No judgment from me.. Just speaking from experience unfortunately 😅 I've gotten myself into some not so great situations bc of being careless and desperate when I was younger. Thankfully I never got an std, but I did end up with a kid lol.. I don't regret having her, but I regret not making better choices in men.
Fair! I've definitely met some crappy guys this year 😃
Reading all of this is making me very sad Lol You deserve better than to have to go on those subs to find someone for sex Some of us are decent human beings who happen to be clean and willing to take Std tests, apparently none of us live near you?
As someone with herpes, it’s better to wait than have a lifetime std. I now have to disclose to everyone, so instead of sending the “will you get tested” it’s “I have this and so on” then you get blocked because no one wants to have sex with you. I have to be very intentional with whom I have sex with now, protect yourself. Get a good vibrator.
Whats even crazier is that herpes is SUPER common. 1 in 6 people have herpes. So either a whole lot of people are lying about it, or they have weird double standards. And what's even more of a double standard, if people have a cold sore they think of it as "only a cold sore" and put ointment on it and don't disclose that to everyone they kiss.and it's the same thing. 🤷♂️
Just a note that HSV 1 and HSV 2 are different viruses. Make of that what you will.
Yes, different strains but herpes is herpes no matter if it’s oral or genital
As a former phlebotomist it’s kinda crazy to see the stats on how many people have hsv2 but not hsv1. The amount of submissions I had to do to state for the infectious disease department on a weekly basis was insane.
Two different viruses that prefer two different locations. There’s also a huge difference in getting sores on your mouth versus getting sores on your genitals, where babies, urine, blood, and shit can come out. It’s weird how some of them keep trying to minimize genital herpes by deceptively saying that “everyone” has it when in reality most people have HSV 1 orally, and most of the time it was spread non-sexually.
So should you not disclose having hsv-1? Hsv-1 can be contracted sexually as well. Hsv-1 can also be on your genitals. Yea they are two different viruses but don’t put a stigma on one and claim it’s more “dirty” than the other which you are implying.
You can get HSV 1 and 2 on the lip or genitals. The cold sore virus is less likely to live on the genitals but it doesn't mean it can't.
> 1 in 6 people have herpes. Actually, over 66% of people (yes, over two thirds of the world population) under the age of 50 have oral herpes (HSV-1). About 13% (about 1 in 7 people) have genital herpes (HSV-2).
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it
Girl, it's been 7 years for me so I get you but be careful. Your health is way more important and there are other, perhaps less satisfying, ways to get release.
Am dude. I refuse to ever sleep with anyone without a fresh std test. We exist, keep looking, you'll find someone.
Im gonna go ahead and say this as a 22yo fem presenting queer, dating apps and hookup apps are TRASH. The only worthwhile FWB situations are organic connections. You're far less likely to be ghosted for asking for an STI test from someone you know in real life, than someone you only know online. DO NOT GIVE UP THIS BOUNDARY. Always use condoms, dental damns, and birth control. An STI will cost a guy a few weeks of antibiotics or needing prep for life. An STI can, for people with female reproductive organs, cost them their life. STIs can cause need for removal of the cervical tissue, uterus and in extreme cases the entire reproductive tract. You can contract an STI through saliva, blood, preseminal fluid, and seminal fluid. STIs can be contracted in the eyes, nose, throat, mouth, vagina, and anus. I have a very high libido myself, I have female reproductive anatomy at this time. All of my best hookups, one night stands, and FWB relationships have come from making friends with someone IRL, and asking if they wanted to have sex. (For context on the queer part, I only have intimate interest in those with penises, and I am actively in the process of medically changing my body to more closely match a cis mans)
Hold out. Any reasonable guy will get tested and have no issues with it. I get tested every few months even though I use protection. Good luck and as others have said, stick with your boundaries. You may regret not getting laid, but imagine the regret if you did and contracted something..
Real!! I haven’t had sex in a year too but it’s better to be safe than sorry!!!!!! Have fun but protected
A year is nothing, many guys go years without sex.
Sometimes their whole lives
I’ve decided that’s actually easier. Both suck but it’s easier to accept over time
Yeah that's me
How can you get desperate. Go on Tinder, swipe for 10 minutes. You will have 20+ matches an hour later whom you can vet regarding sexual preferences (only ask open questions because men will tell you what you want to hear) whether they're pushy or not (don't sleep with pushy men. The only acceptable answer to a "No" is "ok") and whether they're STD free.
I invested in toys, a lot of toys. And it was actually nice because I got to find I exactly what I liked sexually. Also, you don’t have to worry about him getting off and you still needing to get off. Sounds like that guy would have been that way too, super selfish
I recently dated a girl who is a bit of a hypochondriac. She asked me how many girls I dated in the past year and, after I told her, asked me to get an STD test. So I got an STD test. It's free. I showed her the results. Then we fucked. Saw each other for a few months. Everyone was happy. Note: The only annoying part is having to wait for the results because bacterial/fungal cultures take forever to be tested... so I wouldn't do it if all I wanted was a ONS with a hottie. I would only do it if I was interested in seeing her more often.
STD testing is perfectly normal and should be considered routine in a healthy sexual life. You did not go out of bounds by starting off the conversation with STD testing.
This isn’t the most relevant but I don’t super understand why lots of people (haven’t just heard it from you) will do oral without an std test but need it for PIV sex. Like, with sex at least you can use a condom. I know approximately zero people who use condoms for BJs or dental dams for oral on women.
I always use condoms for bjs. As you said most guys don't like it but there are some that have agreed to it. I wanna say like 5 guys from my experience.
yeah, people are dumb sometimes
It’s not worth being with ANY guy if you don’t know he’s clean. If a guy will lose interest simply from making him be safe, he’s not going to be good in bed. If he doesn’t care about your basic safety, do you really think he cares about your pleasure?
Ya this is true. I agree, like if I'm telling you it makes me feel comfortable, why wouldn't you go get tested?? Wouldn't you want me to feel comfortable while you're doing stuff with me in bed??
Also, doesn't it worry you that he obviously doesn't care if the females he's sleeping with are clean?? It makes me wonder... Woman can also spread stds (knowingly and unknowingly)
Yes I agree. Some men don't even get tested regularly. (I met one guy who gets it once a year and then another that gets it once every 6 months. That's it, nobody else I've met does this)
The majority of men that I know aren't having regular sex. Ive seen more and more stats that it's decreasing too (sex amongst young men). If you don't have a consistent sex life I can see why you wouldn't regularly get tested.
It takes very little effort to get tested. I don't know a single one of my guy friends who wouldn't get tested if it meant getting laid lmao. It's definitely possible that he just lost interest, but I will say it's a little suspicious that he lost interest as soon as she brought up getting tested. If this was really just some fwb thing, I really don't get why she wouldn't just move on to a another guy who's willing to get tested.
I love your guy friends And yes I should ideally move on to a new guy but some of the guys I get either want something serious (so they're not into the whole fwb thing) or they want something casual (but are lazy/careless about getting tested). I CANT FIND AN IN BETWEEN
You're not asking the impossible , and it's very legit , so if the guy didn't like that it's your biggest red flag just run , there's plenty of good people out there .
It’s been a day.
Was thinking this too lol. I agree with what everyone’s saying but I wonder if he’s responded back by now 😂
Stick to your boundaries and request! I think asking for a STD test in this era is acceptable and should be taken seriously! I refuse to catch anything bcos I want to have hookups
Trust me if he ghosted you, then he isn’t a reliable FWB partner. I had a situation where I was dating someone for 2 months and asked him to get tested. He kept forgetting to do so, so I ended things because it showed he didn’t care. Much later on, I dated someone and a month into it, I asked that he get tested before we engage in any sexual activities. He went and got tested the next day. Long story short, if he wanted to, he would. You’ll find someone else who is willing to follow the rules of being FWB with you.
I love that for you!! One time I did meet a guy that I wanted to see casually and I was worried about std's and told him that, and the next week I saw him, he showed me his std test results! THAT'S A MAN
Yes!! We only deal with men! Being FWB has its own set of boundaries that those involved need to respect.
Millions of people out there and you're hung up on this dude? What was he incredibly attractive or something?
Wanted to hop in here with a few things: 1. Its ok to have boundaries and if a guy hasn't been tested in a year and has had multiple sexual partners that's kind of a red flag. 2. Blood tests for HSV 1 and 2 are not very accurate. The problem is the virus can hide in the nerves until it's activated, and then go dormant again. Repeated blood tests > one blood test, but it's still not great, and the risk for false negatives and positives is high. The only good quality test is a swab test, where they swab a suspicious lesion 3. Condoms DON'T fully protect against HSV nor the bad HPV strains (cancer or warts), since the condoms don't cover the gential area. To protect against most of the bad HPV strains you must have all 3 guardasil shots. Not to scare you but I think you're right to be worried about herpes, mainly for the social stigma. Something like 12% of the population has genital HSV, even though they might not have any symptoms. Condoms help some but not entirely, and there is no reliable test for HSV. While it's not a problem to have it, the social stigma surrounding it (losing out on potential partners because of your status) is just not worth it. Stick to your boundaries! Good luck!
So he said he hasn't had sex in a year, I don't know when his last test was or how many partners he had. The only reason I asked him to get tested was cuz I assumed that most people willing to do fwb's/casual probably have had multiple hookups and I don't know where their previous partners could have been. But YES, the social stigma!! That's why I'm anxious about it too, you nailed it on the head. I don't want some lazy, crusty ass dude to be the reason that I have to deal with other issues like that. It's just not worth it for, what, an hour or two of fun ??
Exactly! Some crusty dude for 2 hours of probably less than ideal pleasure isn’t worth it. Just remember the blood test means practically nothing, so I usually ask whether they or any of their partners have ever had any lesions or bumps, and judge safety based on honesty, respectfulness, and overall give-a-shit more than whether the blood test says they’re negative for hsv!
Your whole profile is STD's Really people don't wanna do STD test? I thought guys were desperate to get laid. But damn!
Ya I've been having SOO much trouble this year, damn! Last year, the guys I met didn't seem to have issues with getting tested
Why don't you spend time actually building the relationship instead? And after getting a bit comfortable, before doing the deed ask him to get tested.. i mean it's better than random flings
People are just wired different. Not a woman, but I know personally I can't form deeper feelings for someone unless I've been intimate with them. But I'm a crazy, insatiably horny guy and I need a gf who's a lil oversexed hornball too. All of my LTRs have started out as a sex thing.
Me too. I can't like someone emotionally or physically without there being good sexual chemistry/compatability first. I don't really care for relationships at this moment anyway, and trying to get serious with a guy just so I can get laid would feel misleading
That's the point, rarely any stranger would agree to do the STD test for 1 night stand or shit. Where are you from? If you disclose your location with new account probably some redittor will help you out😅
Well that's why I do fwb's! I don't like one night stands anyway
If someone ghosts you because you insist on testing, you don't want to sleep with them anyway. That's the trash taking itself out. Also, you can get stds from oral so don't compromise your safety for a goon.
Don't regret it. You don't even know him for one and 2, you might be dodging a bullet. Just bc a mutual fwb agreement came about doesn't mean it's the right one. I'm sure there's plenty of other guys who would be more than willing to get tested and be fwb. If they're not down for a test then it's ok that things don't work out. Also, like others have said there's still plenty of stds you can get from just oral sooo you may want to keep that boundary of test before anything. TLDR: you're not missing out. You'll find someone else that's down and don't do oral bc you think you'll be safe from stds (can still get them from oral)
What matters more? Your boundaries or allowing others to break your boundaries so that you don’t get rejected?
Suggesting getting an STD test is a green flag imo.
Getting tested should be the norm, not the exception. See your Dr for a baseline test and then have a standing order for every 3 months or so - depending how active you are.
I agree, but it also needs to be cheaper. When my ex cheated on me I got a full panel to include LITERALLY everything…costed $300 at my primary care doctor even with insurance :/ Got quoted the same price at an out-of-pocket place. The other time I think it costed me $200. Its ridiculously expensively to get the full panels…it should be free IMO
Hey girly! Try stdcheck.com. It's what I use. It's like $140 for a full panel and you get results in 1-2 days!
I have a baseline test but I'm scared about the guys I'm talking to. I'm scared about genital herpes
Not sure what country are we talking about, but my general std panel didn’t include a lot of stds like herpes.
I know, I'd ask them to get a full panel (I got a full panel).
You’re reading into things and making assumptions Maybe he doesn’t even know how to go about getting tested, or doesn’t have medical insurance, or something like that There’s more explanations for this than you’re considering
You can use your hands. A good hand job is still a good handjob.. I have always had a high sex drive. And I get tested with full blood work every year and I have not had sex since 2002. Not by choice either.
The only reason a guy would feel some kind of way about asking to get tested is that he has something or doesn't care about STDs. I wouldn't regret this at all. This is WHY you ask ppl to get tested in the first place.
STD tests are only as good as the trust you and your partner have. He might be negative today and then cheat tomorrow and give you something.
I was dating this girl once and the mother of her best friend got infected with HIV and actually got aids as well (cheating btw) and that shit learned me real quick that there is no such thing as getting comfortable with unprotected (oral)sex.
HPV can be spread, and there's no FDA approved oral test for it. You can develop oral cancer from some forms of HPV.
There's limited to no FDA approved testing for oral....HPV and very limited testing for males for genital HPV. Please be careful and mindful of this as well as HIV chlamydia and gonorrhea when it comes to oral and vaginal/ anal sex. Hand/ foot work may have to be the answer for those who just can't obstain, test routinely, or perform safely, lol.
There is a test for it…..
So, you’d rather subject yourself to STI’s, instead of finding another FWB who’s immediately willing to get tested? It’s not so fun getting a lifelong STI, one of which can turn into Cancer. Now that “sucks.” Be smarter. You’re 25 years old and should know better. I’d never in my life regret ditching someone because they’re wishy-washy about getting tested. If they refuse or blow it off, what are they hiding?
I asked my ex to do so and he went with no complaints. Even got a blood test. Stick with your boundaries
What would you get out of a blow job? Just wait for the test.
I think you are smart to ask that and plus just cuz he hasn't shown any symptoms doesn't mean a thing. If somebody isn't willing to do that, unless it's very expensive to get done then I'd say you're better off without them. Same thing with people who refuse to wear a condom. If they don't want to wear one with you they didn't wear it with other people and they are risky proposition.
Getting a disease sucks too so asking for someone to get tested before you’re intimate is exactly what you should do. You can’t take anyone you just met at their word. Him stepping back means he’s probably got something (bullet dodged). Never feel like you need dick that bad that you’re willing to throw your own health out the window.
"a whole day" o to be young again
Hey, don't beat yourself up! Good for you for setting boundaries and voicing them. Trust me, five minutes of pleasure if not worth a lifetime of dealing with an STI/STD. Any person that doesn't want to get an STI/STD check at the other persons request is a red flag 🚩🚩 For me personally, a year isn't that long. I went 2 years once. Invest in some good toys if you really want some action.
I fully support your testing boundary, because men beg to go without condoms very, very often, so the high risk is there.
DUDE. FUCK THAT SHIT. ALWAYS TEST. look at how stupid you are. "OH NO. guy ghosted me for wanting to give me aids, im sad now" STFU
umm no, this is better than giving him a blowjob and having herpes FOREVER.
True
it’s okay sister, get a rose toy like the rest of us😭😭
Asking a man to get tested is such a brutal experience
Ya most of them are fucking dumb about it
I am about to ask my man this...
Honestly don’t even trip. My ex girlfriend told me to get tested before we did anything and I did. She expressed her feelings about the whole thing and I would never be offended by it even if I know I’m clean and it’s someone I want to have sex with/ date. I would just want to get my result in so we can get the deed done lol. I’m all seriousness, it’s better to have proof than word of mouth. A friend of mine caught an std and apparently her partner didn’t know.
My man did not hesitate when I asked for his STD results
If getting tested was a deal breaker for him, you shouldn't be fucking him any. Asking for people to get tested is a handy way to filter out irresponsible people that don't deserve to be inside you.
Babe, no you’re not wrong. I’m in a similar boat, it’s been like 10 months w/o sex and I just want someone respectful and clean. I’m gonna continue without sex until someone can be that, and you should too. Your sexual health is important and it’s hella sketchy he would ghost for that reason.
Love that you get me!!
‘I got comfortable with the idea of giving a blowjob without an std test’ you do know it’s still transferable to your mouth if he has it (symptoms). If they have cold sores and kiss someone with it (like it’s on their face and they kiss you, you’re likely to get the sores). I understand you’re horny but get the tests done. You’ll regret for being stupid or impulsively one mistake action.
So you think it sucks that you are missing out on the chance to get an STD? You know 85% of the population has HPV?
And if a girl (and I was still single) asked me to get and std test before we had sex? I’d totally be down, because I would know there was a high likelyhood of having sex after I got tested! Woo Hoo!
Asking for std testing is normal, and if they aren't willing, it's a flag. Keep your boundaries!
You can get STDs in your mouth. Don’t get desperate and fuck up your health.
Anyone who responds with anything other than an *enthusiastic* 'of course I'll get tested!' is BAD NEWS and RUN AWAY. Guys, wtf?!
You are not wrong for asking for a test. I get at least one a year, and it's been a long time since I've been active with sex. The simple reason I get tested is for ME. Seven years ago I was hit by a distracted driver while riding my motorcycle home from work. This resulted in the loss of my right lower 🦵 leg. I lost a LOT of blood. I received 15 units of blood in about 6 days. I know there are safety procedures in place, but that's a LOT of blood. It wouldn't be so bad, but ever since, I love a cup of tea in the afternoon, prefer to ride a camel instead of my motorcycle, love to surf, developed an uncanny hunger for ribs, and speak fluent Mexican Spanish now... My attempt at humor. I was a Paramedic in another life, and stuck myself a few times. I want to be safe, and if something dormant wakes, I want to know EARLY!
lol throw this dude to the wind
Either he gets tested or you stick to cold showers. Do not risk getting infected.
You can still contract STDs in your throat such as chlamydia and gonorrhea. If he has nothing to hide, getting tested should never be an issue. Please always ask for their test results.
Stick with your boundaries. Better regret that than regret having std 😝
Ngl looking at your post history you should probably just hookup with an ex I’ve seen like 4 different posts about this with different dudes (ages are different) over the last 2 months on your acc.
Ya I've been having a hard time. I don't have any exes. I've only had casual stuff, nothing serious I guess I just gotta keep waiting it out! I was thinking about going on Tinder and seeing how far that takes me but tinder's a cesspool so I don't think that's gonna work either
If you're worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease , why the hell would you even consider a friends with benefits relationship? I hope you realize that means you're friend can still have sex with any other woman he wants to.
Male here. It was my idea to get a full panel of tests for both of us before proceeding with the good times. She had no problem with it as we both can see other people, too.
The only times I’ve done antibiotics as an adult has been from STDS, and from boyfriends that I didn’t enforce checking or wearing a condom. Never again. The antibiotics messed up my GI for years. And then there’s this tick I got that any symptom was connected to an STD (hypochondria basically). Millennials have been more flexible than our parents were. But I admire your firmness on this and think it’s completely appropriate. Protect yourself first!
If you’re going to trust someone to have on going sex the least they can do is get a full panel test. I’ve offered to pay for it for my girlfriends. Usually I get tested before starting a new relationship too
I know someone who got herpes from unprotected oral. (She passed it onto him but it can happen both ways.) Until those results come back clean, don't risk it. A few minutes of pleasuring a guy isn't worth a permanent condition that you'll have to disclose to every future partner for the rest of your life. Stick to your guns.
He is lieing about being celibate. He only wants FWB. This is a man who most likely has STDs. He knows it, that's why he's silent now and is not getting tested. Cause he needs to disclose his status once it's been officially tested. I have a few friends who ended up with HPV and uterus cancer...and the operations to remove it. Some random dude from some dating app is definitely not worth potential uterus cancer. Keep your boundaries, never lower them. And guard your health.
Std test is the bare minimum. Don’t let people get around that.
40M here and not into hooking up in general. At this point in my life, I think STI tests need to be exchanged with any potential partner before any sexual contact for me. I didn’t make it this far and stay clean on accident. I think you are playing it smart even if it isn’t as satisfying in the moment.
You are horny right now and not in your right mind. He has probably backed off because he knows he doesn’t practise safe sex and might not be STD or STI free. It is not worth getting something permanent just for a FWB. #Stay Strong.
Don’t give blow jobs for casual hook ups, especially without STDs tests. Getting an STD in your mouth would be even worse than your junk 😭
Herpes are everywhere, and I would say you should stick to your boundaries. You don't want something you can be stuck with for life. Also, the fact you can still get herpes even if the sore isn't visible due to the shedding that happens and it's not visible to the eye. I'm also a clean freak when it comes to hookups. I do not hookup unless I see tests results, idc if they don't like it, bye 😂
How has finding hookups been going for you? It's been tough with my std test requirement, as you can tell. And yes genital herpes is what I'm most anxious about
Honestly, it just comes to me. I usually hook up with people I know. I don’t like hooking up with strangers, the anxiety would kill me. I don’t trust ppl easily and after seeing all these horror stories on the news about ppl getting murdered, I don’t wanna risk it.
Stick with your boundaries. Non-negotiable.
You've dodged a bullet there.
I test after every partner. You’re doing the right thing! Keep those values. You care about protecting yourself and others.
I have asked all my partners to get STD tests and none of them have given me concern over it.
I think you need to stick to your guns. I've been without for idk 667 years now? And he better hand me a resume of tests when the time comes.
I feel like it's embarassing that I haven't had it in so long!
It really isn’t. I know we’re taught in a lot of ways that our worth is reflected in how easily and how often we have sex, but that’s just bullshit society puts on you. It has nothing to say about your worth, kindness, character, or even if you’re attractive. And young people are having less sex than ever. Don’t assume everyone out there is fucking all the time and you’re the lone person who isn’t. I promise you that isn’t the case.
Neah. Your request is pretty reasonable. Guess who will not be there if you are on your death bed suffering from AIDS? Him. If guys think that its off putting then so be it. Why risk your health for some loser who can't even respect your request. If he has been rawdogging girls and claimed to be abstinent, its not your loss. Being responsible is hard. You know what's easy? catching STDs.
Move on. I had a fwb situation with a young lady in college who didn't want any kids, I'm I'm done with kids. We both got tested no problems and she had an IUD. Its not a big deal...if there isn't anything wrong with you.
Western society, particularly American society, has really failed, which I see every day on this sub and on your profile. Many people are overly fixated on sex and driven by lust. For your own well-being, please stop obsessing over sex as if it's the only thing that matters, and stop compromising your values to obtain it. This includes considering lowering your standards, such as not asking for an STI test. Instead, focus on yourself and seek a relationship with the intention of marriage. This way, you can enjoy INTIMATE sex with someone you truly LOVE as often as you want.
He may have just decided it wasn't worth it and that's his right. And it's your right to demand it. And it might turn some people away, but those aren't the people you wanted to fuck anyway. Stick to your guns. But also maybe do some research on STDs and perhaps consider talking to your therapist about this fear. It is possible that this is an irrational fear. Condoms significantly reduce the chances of contracting an STD and the odds of one of your partners having and STD is also pretty low if they have a similar lifestyle and (unfortunately) socio-economic situation as you. There tend to be higher rates of infection in higher risk populations. If you're not in one of those populations your risk will be low. It's not zero, but low. And while being careful is important and noone ever wants contracts an STD, the majority of them are highly treatable and/or non-life threatening. Just some food for thought.
He most definitely had something 😂 don’t ever stop asking for a test. Your life can be ruined JUST like that by compromising your own boundary to keep somebody from running away.
There’s probably another “easier” girl. And those are the types to have STDs. Ask me how I know….
Just because they haven’t had sex in a week, month, year, etc. doesn’t mean they can’t be carrying something. It could be laying dormant and you could happen to be the unlucky gal to get the STD. If they won’t test, even for their own knowledge and sexual health, keep it moving.
Some people will just get thrown off when asked to do a STD test. Like it's not one of the first thing you want to hear so you can't blame them if they lost interest.
Well idk how to proceed now, cuz it's been forever since I've had it and this just sucks. The test takes like 5 minutes to take and I feel like sex would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to worry about all this stuff after.
Anybody who's not a shithead isn't going to get put off by this. Not only is it incredibly easy to get done then he can tell the next person he's been tested recently too. :P
Please still use condoms
Can be cultural. Which part of the world you are from?
Girl thank God. You saved yourself from a disease. Set your standards high, always do this. Try to be self sufficient in self- pleasuring too…
Good. He showed himself to the door. Test test test! You just got comfortable with the idea of a BJ with no known testing status? Make sure you're using a condom then. STD's can be caught in most mucus membrane tissue. Mouth, nose, eyes, etc.
Nah this is a perfectly reasonable thing for you to ask for in any kind of relationship, but DEFINITELY in a purely sexual one. Also, the only thing it would cost him is his time because clinics will test you for free if you tell them you're low income, or if they're just the kind of clinic who'll test for free regardless. So it's 1 half-hour trip to the clinic, then a 1 or 2 min phonecall to get the results. There's absolutely no reason to accommodate this request. MAYBE and this is a big maybe here... He might think that his cold sores are going to show up on the STD test, but they won't because they don't screen for that. It's an entirely different test to find out if you have the lip herp or the junk herp. I know because before me n my ex started to date she asked me to get tested- she was still poly at the time before her and I became exclusive. Her ex husband had a couple partners too, so we needed to keep everybody safe.
Your request for STD testing likely stems from a concern for your health and well-being, which is important.
Don’t get comfortable doing anything without an STD test & never feel bad about asking. He ghosted because he wasn’t honest with you & he doesn’t respect you, why would you want to have sex with someone like that? He did you a favour, celebrate dodging that bullet.
It should be obvious that the person who you ask to take a STI test and refuses (or just doesn't do it) is exactly the person you likely most need to a get STI test from. Plus, he's going to engage in a casual sexual relationship with you which means he probably has done this with other people. You offering up a FWB situation is generally highly desirable to a man. You're offering him what he likely wants the most while requiring him to give you very little back. You're doing the equivalent of selling him a brand new iPhone 15 for $100. Just go back on the app and find someone else for this arrangement, it won't be that difficult.
Forget him, don't waste your body on someone that doesn't respect it.
You can catch something orally if they aren’t clean…so that’s a bit of a contradiction. I’d trust if he told you it’s been a year I personally take their word for it as such. Being overly cautious I understand but the whole BJ thing Id say you’re screwed either way if they had something.
ALWAYS ASK FOR AN STD CHECK whether its oral sex or sex!!! It's better to feel upset about not giving oral over having an std!
Can't fathom thinking about being FWB and doing a STD test on a dating app with some dude you never met before, who's bland as hell and certainly not too interested.
It's odd you're considering when they backed off for the test, to me it would be like maybe he does have something. And what exactly do you get for meeting up with him and just blowing him off???
Yeah if it was someone you knew in person you could forgo the std check but from a dating app? Yeah you should totally require that std check. Don’t let horniness blind you from being safe out there
I think you have a healthy fear of stis. Apparently there's a new fungal infection going around that takes months to clear up. I think you were smart to request sti testing before engaging in any risky sexual behavior. Caring about sexual health is important and I personally feel as though this kind of behavior should be normalized. When I asked my now girlfriend early on while we were dating for an sti test, she was definitely taken aback. It might delay things but she responded to it in a healthy way by agreeing to get tested. While it was a bit awkward to ask for it, she got reassurance that she was healthy as a result of the test and looking back now, we just joking laugh about it. For someone to not respond simply because you care about your sexual health and asked for an sti test, in my opinion, is a red flag. It could be a sign of immaturity, they might be trying to hide something, or they might not simply care about their sexual health to bother with testing. The possibilities are endless, but I feel as though you may have dodged a bullet.
OP, that’s a fantastic rule for a long term dry spell. You both agree, as you should, and everybody is golden. If he couldn’t give you that it wasn’t worth it anyway. I (35m) think you should stick to it. Someone that really wants that situation will meet that standard as it’s not a difficult one. Good luck🤘🏼🧡🩶
There is a lot of reasons why he might not have replied back yet. I usually send a “hi how is it going” message if I have not heard from them in 24 hours. If I don’t hear back then I call it consider myself ghosted.
Is there a reason you're sure it's because you asked to test and not something else? He seemed to have a reasonable reaction. Plus, it's only been a day, might be that he's distracted by something else and just waiting for the test. I mean, "one whole day" isn't much for a working adult.
When I was in the military, they tested us at least once a year. I opted for every 6 months and continue to do so through the VA. Why not? Even though I haven't had sex since 2012 and that is a choice I made because life is just easier without the whole constant bad relationships. Sex is overrated unless there's some kind of emotion in it , so casual stuff just has never done it for me anyway. It should be known to anyone that sex isn't the only requirement for certain things like HIV can be transferred from open wounds to open wounds and all that. Sure, it's unlikely, but the possibility is there. I like being confident in myself first. I don't want to find out about anything after it's too late to make moves against it. And certain exs have come down with ailments that were not passed to me, thankfully, but it definitely increased the level of concern. Plus, that's a solid, though very unfortunate way to find out a partner is cheating. It's pretty lame but I've been manipulated to embarrassing levels that just proved that trust is a lie. So never put trust in anything with anyone you don't mind having to spend years fixing. Anyway. Self-confidence, confidence in them, not being sick... it's all just why the hell not? Same with the whole paternity testing on babies so the father knows for sure and that women can't just hook a man for child support without proof he is even responsible. "Oh, but it hurts my trust." Do you really deserve that trust, though? Even the courts have had it with the weaponized use of sex and procreation. Knowing for sure is superior to "we trust each other." In so many ways that you can only defend against it with hurt feelings.
it could be that he's just waiting for his appointment to come. Since he already knows that you agreed he might just feel like he doesn't have to pursue you as much. you should just communicate with him and ask him what's up. too many scenarios out there to assume one is right.
There’s nothing for you to regret. If he was truly interested he’d be rushing to get tested and keeping up the flirty banter in the interim. Don’t sacrifice your standards for a cheap fuck (cause then you’ll regret that too).
Regret absolutely nothing. Getting tested and providing proof is, frankly, not just a conscientious move, but one of the few safety measures that an adult has.
I would be more concerned doing oral with no staff test then sex.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe, and that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask someone who only wants to be physical with you. It’s his reaction to it that’s alarming. If he’s unwilling then he most likely already thinks he has something and you shouldn’t touch him with a condom covered pole.
“He hasn’t had sex in a year so he knows he doesn’t have anything" some people have the weirdest non sensical logic about how ordinary things work
Does it really suck tho? You could’ve just prevented yourself from contracting an STD. I don’t think that sucks. I think that’s good. I know it’s hard to think logically sometimes when you’re super horny, but you gotta snap out of it. You gotta see thru the horny-haze. You’re gonna end up with an STD if your desperation exceeds your preventative measures.
Craving giving oral or sex in general is no reason to not worry about std tests. Keep your ground and you'll find better sex anyway
Yoooo
I’m from New York where y’all from??
MAKE THEM GET TESTED. ive felt regret about asking guys to get tested but after all the physical pain and mental exhaustion and trauma this all caused me, its entirely worth losing a guy over a simple request. STI testing saves lives. I got HPV 12 (cancerous cells) from from a guy who i MADE wear a condom. but he transmitted it through oral. However, there was a moment where i looked down and the condom was on his tip and i truly believe he slid it down so he could feel more. He was so upset i made him use protection and when i pointed out the condom slippage he got annoyed. Moreover, HPV can only be detected by cervical screening so men dont know they have it and women dont either if left unchecked. There is no treatment and the immune system rids of it within 1-3 YEARS. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. Dental dams too when giving/getting oral. Unless you’re with someone you trust and have a long term partner you trust, use protection. These men and women are shady af. I do not hookup anymore. Ive slept with 3 people. Each gave me an STI. Ive had chlamydia twice and currently HPV 12. Thankfully my strain did not result in warts, but unfortunately I am at high risk for cervical cancer BUT, my OBGYN is confident I wont get cancer and my immune system will rid of it. What baffles me is i have a friend who has slept w 17 people, never had an STI. Mainly Unprotected. Another friend has slept with approx 70 people and had only 1 STI. I was extremely unlucky lmao hookup culture is not for me.
Don't get desperate....and its not worth jeopardizing your health for the rest of your life for a short bit of relief and fun. I haven't gotten any in I can't remember how long. Its not that big of a deal.
Being a responsible and healthy adult is lonely and isolating at times but all for good reasons. Hold out for someone who will get tested with you. Getting tested should be more normalized and everyone should get tested between partners.
Relatable tbh