Your mom probably does have dementia. I’m not a doctor but my mom has had the same behavior to my older sister. She is basically cutting off my sister for arguments (that didn’t really happen) after she has always told people that my sister is her favorite. Honestly, sometimes people with dementia just lash out at the person closest to them. I don’t have any suggested solutions but just letting you know that I experienced the same thing.
My grandmother has done this with completely random people in my family. She will find a person Abe fixated on them and say that they don't like her, and that they didn't want her around or something. None of this had ANY foundation in reality. These were people she almost never talked to. My cousin a grown man, was in tears because she said some things to him and he didn't understand where these things were coming from.
She eventually forgot or switched to another family member on the complete opposite side. "I'm not going to the party because Susan doesn't want me there." Susan hadnt seen her in 15 years. Yet here she was acting like she had been victimized by someone in her own family.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, keep reading this subreddit to get a feel for what people are experiencing so you can get some distance from your mom emotionally and realize you don't have to take her seriously.
Please know that I am not a medical professional. Being shocked is completely normal. You are the normal one in this situation.
For this radical change in personality, my guess is beginning dementia and/or stroke, TIA, etc. I have seen this in my mother, in-laws, and most recently my father’s lady friend, who sent me a note saying she never wished to see me again after we had been good friends for a decade. It was frightening and creepy. Their brains are not working in a normal manner and we cannot convince them of this.
Now, can you do something about it? Probably not. At this point, I would back way off and become very passive. You have no control and if confronted or told to see a doctor, you may get major resistance. Please tell your children that grandma is having some medical issues and is not acting as she should, no fault to them.
Can you ask if she wants to go home? Maybe it’s time to send them home and not re-invite. And let them deal with any issues at home. Eventually, you will get an answer, but it might be years. And they may cut off contact with you for a long time.
If a line of communication is still open with your father, and he supports your mother, you could also let him know that you are there to support him should he discover why your mother is acting like this.
I am so sorry that this dream vacation has turned into a nightmare. Health problems don’t always give us warning. I send you support for staying calm during a very stressful time.
So very sorry to read of your experience. I'm not a medic but if possible, your mum should see a neurologist. Personality changes can be a sign of a number of different conditions which can include alzheimer's and other dementias but also occur sometimes with more easily treatable conditions like a B12 deficiency. Hence the need for a proper investigation, scan and diagnosis from a medical professional.
This link is useful for those supporting people with cognitive decline and mentions Capgras syndrome which can make people feel that they don't 'know' their family. It's rare but can occur with other conditions too. It also has helpful advice for families / caregivers https://memory.ucsf.edu/caregiving-support/behavior-personality-changes.
This article https://www.healthline.com/health/behavior-unusual-or-strange - is also useful as an overview of both reversible and long-term conditions that can cause personality changes.
I hope a medic is able to help. N
Right, before my husband was diagnosed with a Pet scan, we kicked around Lyme disease, thyroid, schizophrenia, brain tumor, B12 and D deficiency. UTI's can also mess with an older persons brain and they may not even feel any pain with one. She needs a medical workup and your Dad needs to be on board with this to make it happen since she is leery now of you and wife.
I didn't take my husband in, thinking he was just becoming a grouchy old guy till his sisters pulled me aside at a family gathering and said he had a definite personality change, and the one sister who works in education said she sees this often with kids with concussions. Their concern prompted me to get him to a dr basically against his wishes, but I got it done.
She needs a medical work up to rule out things like a UTI, low vitamin D or B, or something else easily remediated. Maybe your father can get her to go to a local physician? Sorry you are having to deal with this type of behavior. Getting older sucks.
Have you talked to your dad to see if he has noticed strange changes in her and whether any discussions of estrangement with you and your family? If this is all out of the ordinary, she should see a doctor and get tests and lab work done. She taking her usual meds or did she run out? Did she purchase any new herbs or meds while visiting you? Dementia pts do suffer delusions and hallucinations. Best to start with a doctor's visit.
Maybe your mom is anxious about the upcoming trip and taking it out on you / your family.
Being in an unfamiliar environment and spending so much time together might be overwhelming.
Kids usually have a little of energy. Parents get used to it, but it’s harder especially for older people.
Can you reschedule your trip? Maybe have her go with your father and you take your family another time? Some distance might help.
My coworkers husband started doing this and it turned out to be a brain tumor. Scheduling a brain scan will answer a lot of questions for you.
I'm sorry you are going through it
Oh I'm SO VERY SORRY. This hit me hard because I can relate. We have a combination of mental illnesses in my family (I live in terror of my probable descent into dementia in old age).
YES. She probably has dementia. Bear with me a minute while I "rabbit trail." There's a reason.
Many older people have undiagnosed mental illnesses because the illness hadn't been "discovered" until later in their lives. This includes ADHD and autism spectrum disorders. Because there's a strong tie between Asperger's (high functioning autism) and dementia, I can see in 20/20 hindsight why my father and his mother both developed dementia.
Sooooo... *My* family's brand of dementia looks, to an outsider, to be perfectly normal until it's SO off the rails that it becomes obvious to everyone. I'm wondering if that's what's going on with your mother.
That means it's possible your father is still entirely unaware of this possibility and you will need to discuss it with him to get her tested. This is going to be a bit of a struggle because she also may be able to both get around the testing by either convincing him or her doctors that she's perfectly fine, and it will increase her imaginary rage toward you and your wife.
I say that as a warning so that you know what possibilities lie ahead. At the same time, you definitely need to *do* something.
Do you know what her best communication style is? If she is growing forgetful or confused, it's probably best to write her very sweet, heartfelt letter explaining your confusion and also giving many instances of all of the good things that she has said and all of the good times that you've had. Make sure your father gets a copy of that also. Emailing it is fine, ask your father to make sure that she reads it.
Has your father contributed to the conversation at all? It would be interesting to see if he has been listening to her fomenting this dislike over the last year or over the last 20 years.
PS you mentioned medication and it would be wise to find out if she has had any recent changes to her medications. Also, see if your father can get her screened for a UTI. Those can have devastating impacts
Your mom probably does have dementia. I’m not a doctor but my mom has had the same behavior to my older sister. She is basically cutting off my sister for arguments (that didn’t really happen) after she has always told people that my sister is her favorite. Honestly, sometimes people with dementia just lash out at the person closest to them. I don’t have any suggested solutions but just letting you know that I experienced the same thing.
My grandmother has done this with completely random people in my family. She will find a person Abe fixated on them and say that they don't like her, and that they didn't want her around or something. None of this had ANY foundation in reality. These were people she almost never talked to. My cousin a grown man, was in tears because she said some things to him and he didn't understand where these things were coming from. She eventually forgot or switched to another family member on the complete opposite side. "I'm not going to the party because Susan doesn't want me there." Susan hadnt seen her in 15 years. Yet here she was acting like she had been victimized by someone in her own family. I'm so sorry you're going through this, keep reading this subreddit to get a feel for what people are experiencing so you can get some distance from your mom emotionally and realize you don't have to take her seriously.
Please know that I am not a medical professional. Being shocked is completely normal. You are the normal one in this situation. For this radical change in personality, my guess is beginning dementia and/or stroke, TIA, etc. I have seen this in my mother, in-laws, and most recently my father’s lady friend, who sent me a note saying she never wished to see me again after we had been good friends for a decade. It was frightening and creepy. Their brains are not working in a normal manner and we cannot convince them of this. Now, can you do something about it? Probably not. At this point, I would back way off and become very passive. You have no control and if confronted or told to see a doctor, you may get major resistance. Please tell your children that grandma is having some medical issues and is not acting as she should, no fault to them. Can you ask if she wants to go home? Maybe it’s time to send them home and not re-invite. And let them deal with any issues at home. Eventually, you will get an answer, but it might be years. And they may cut off contact with you for a long time. If a line of communication is still open with your father, and he supports your mother, you could also let him know that you are there to support him should he discover why your mother is acting like this. I am so sorry that this dream vacation has turned into a nightmare. Health problems don’t always give us warning. I send you support for staying calm during a very stressful time.
So very sorry to read of your experience. I'm not a medic but if possible, your mum should see a neurologist. Personality changes can be a sign of a number of different conditions which can include alzheimer's and other dementias but also occur sometimes with more easily treatable conditions like a B12 deficiency. Hence the need for a proper investigation, scan and diagnosis from a medical professional. This link is useful for those supporting people with cognitive decline and mentions Capgras syndrome which can make people feel that they don't 'know' their family. It's rare but can occur with other conditions too. It also has helpful advice for families / caregivers https://memory.ucsf.edu/caregiving-support/behavior-personality-changes. This article https://www.healthline.com/health/behavior-unusual-or-strange - is also useful as an overview of both reversible and long-term conditions that can cause personality changes. I hope a medic is able to help. N
Right, before my husband was diagnosed with a Pet scan, we kicked around Lyme disease, thyroid, schizophrenia, brain tumor, B12 and D deficiency. UTI's can also mess with an older persons brain and they may not even feel any pain with one. She needs a medical workup and your Dad needs to be on board with this to make it happen since she is leery now of you and wife. I didn't take my husband in, thinking he was just becoming a grouchy old guy till his sisters pulled me aside at a family gathering and said he had a definite personality change, and the one sister who works in education said she sees this often with kids with concussions. Their concern prompted me to get him to a dr basically against his wishes, but I got it done.
She needs a medical work up to rule out things like a UTI, low vitamin D or B, or something else easily remediated. Maybe your father can get her to go to a local physician? Sorry you are having to deal with this type of behavior. Getting older sucks.
Have you talked to your dad to see if he has noticed strange changes in her and whether any discussions of estrangement with you and your family? If this is all out of the ordinary, she should see a doctor and get tests and lab work done. She taking her usual meds or did she run out? Did she purchase any new herbs or meds while visiting you? Dementia pts do suffer delusions and hallucinations. Best to start with a doctor's visit.
Maybe your mom is anxious about the upcoming trip and taking it out on you / your family. Being in an unfamiliar environment and spending so much time together might be overwhelming. Kids usually have a little of energy. Parents get used to it, but it’s harder especially for older people. Can you reschedule your trip? Maybe have her go with your father and you take your family another time? Some distance might help.
My coworkers husband started doing this and it turned out to be a brain tumor. Scheduling a brain scan will answer a lot of questions for you. I'm sorry you are going through it
Oh I'm SO VERY SORRY. This hit me hard because I can relate. We have a combination of mental illnesses in my family (I live in terror of my probable descent into dementia in old age). YES. She probably has dementia. Bear with me a minute while I "rabbit trail." There's a reason. Many older people have undiagnosed mental illnesses because the illness hadn't been "discovered" until later in their lives. This includes ADHD and autism spectrum disorders. Because there's a strong tie between Asperger's (high functioning autism) and dementia, I can see in 20/20 hindsight why my father and his mother both developed dementia. Sooooo... *My* family's brand of dementia looks, to an outsider, to be perfectly normal until it's SO off the rails that it becomes obvious to everyone. I'm wondering if that's what's going on with your mother. That means it's possible your father is still entirely unaware of this possibility and you will need to discuss it with him to get her tested. This is going to be a bit of a struggle because she also may be able to both get around the testing by either convincing him or her doctors that she's perfectly fine, and it will increase her imaginary rage toward you and your wife. I say that as a warning so that you know what possibilities lie ahead. At the same time, you definitely need to *do* something. Do you know what her best communication style is? If she is growing forgetful or confused, it's probably best to write her very sweet, heartfelt letter explaining your confusion and also giving many instances of all of the good things that she has said and all of the good times that you've had. Make sure your father gets a copy of that also. Emailing it is fine, ask your father to make sure that she reads it. Has your father contributed to the conversation at all? It would be interesting to see if he has been listening to her fomenting this dislike over the last year or over the last 20 years. PS you mentioned medication and it would be wise to find out if she has had any recent changes to her medications. Also, see if your father can get her screened for a UTI. Those can have devastating impacts
My mother got very mean in the years before she started really showing signs of dementia and got the diagnosis. That could be a factor here for sure.
Nope