OP, how old are you? I'm getting the impression you're a lot younger than this man, but it might be just the way you worded it.
Anyway, you really need to communicate. You need to tell him that you do feel that there's potential for you to develop attraction to him. You haven't developed it yet and that you'll be uncomfortable with physical intimacy until you do.
He'll either respect your boundaries, and that'll be a green flag. Or he'll complain and try to push you into things you're not not ready for in which case ditch him and run!
I think the person above me was fearing more about a 25 year age gap or so š at least tht was my train of thought originally.
When you're about 40 and he's about 50, that's not something I would worry about. Reddit just holds way too many stories of 50y/o guys lusting after 20-somethings.
I had a similar situation last year, I don't mind kissing on the first date if the vibe is there, and it was. Later that week she wanted to come over and watch a movie. I said that's fine BUT it wasn't a booty call. I made that clear, she tried to make it one.
Don't make the same mistake I did, which was to try and see her again but in public, if someone doesn't respect your boundaries they aren't for you.
Tell him, kindly, but bluntly.
"Datefriend, I like you, but I was not ready for that kiss the other night. I would like to keep seeing you, and getting to know you, but would like to keep things non-physical for the first month, then check in on trying more kissing. If I feel ready sooner, I will tell you, or initiate myself."
Adjust the time period as you see fit and specify whether or not other forms of physical contact are okay. If you feel comfortable revealing this much, you could also tell him you are demi and explain what it is, and that physicality you aren't ready for could negatively impact your ability to become romantically or sexually attracted to him. His reaction could tell you a lot about who he is as a person, how well he handles consent.
If you would like to get to know him better and need more time to build up to kissing that's perfectly valid.
I am about your age and just started dating again. I don't like kissing on the first few dates either. The build up to more intimacy like kissing can be really rewarding for the other person as well.
So just explain and make him wait a bit. If he's not ok with it then you're just not compatible. But my experience most guys kind of like it.
Thank you! Iāve been so out of the dating scene, I had a major break up right before the pandemic, this is also new and itās nice to be reassured that Iām not the only one.
I completely understand. My first kiss I got just didnāt feel like anything. I was friends with the person I went out with and decided to be honest about where I fell. He sat with that and we just kept open communication on how we moved forward since we were both still interested in seeing what happened.
Oh my gosh, OP, I was in a similar situation a few days ago! Except it was less ick and moreā¦nothing. No spark, just lips on lips š I plan to see him again soon, but Iām going to tell him to go slow at my pace.
Good luck, OP š
You need to tell him that you're demisexual up front, right now, and be prepared to deal with the consequences. I couldn't date someone who wanted to kiss after the first date. I would take that as a signal that that person is incapable of waiting for an attraction on my part to develop and would want sex/intimacy within the typical "first three dates." Nothing wrong with that, but just not my vibe, not something I could deal with. I won't know if I even *like you as a person* until we've been on like five dates, there's no fucking way I'm going to kiss you before then. It's not fair of me to ask that person to go on five dates with me before I even decide if I *like them*.
This is why dating is so hard for demisexuals. I *have* to be friends with you/already like you as a person before we go on a date, it is never gonna happen otherwise.
Iām so glad to find this group! I have been in two loving and long (12 yrs +) relationships with people I met at work. I was younger then and it was in the before times when we all worked in an office or an outside environment. Iām a very affectionate and passionate person once I develop feelings for someone, and the one or two make our sessions I had in my youth were unsatisfying and empty. I thought something was wrong with me and Iāve shut down 2nd and 3rd dates out of fear of escalating physical expectations.
Can't even imagine a date without emotional connection. God that must be brutal. I'm in a situation where it's pretty complex situationship vibes and I'm willing to be here because the level of connection overrides the difficulty. I'm 34m and before this girl, was only surface level hookups and I'm tired of not connecting. Plus, the connection cultivates deeper desires sexually than surface level for me. Personally, I understand. Gotta voice that to him and if he is offended, you have now had a good glimpse of character.
I know, right? It's so good to know there are male demi-sexuals out there. I'm glad you've found a level of connection with your current girl, however difficult and complex it is, because you are CONNECTING. I really miss that feeling and as I type these words I'm just now realizing that I've stayed too long in bad relationships because deep down I knew dating would be tough for me.
OP, how old are you? I'm getting the impression you're a lot younger than this man, but it might be just the way you worded it. Anyway, you really need to communicate. You need to tell him that you do feel that there's potential for you to develop attraction to him. You haven't developed it yet and that you'll be uncomfortable with physical intimacy until you do. He'll either respect your boundaries, and that'll be a green flag. Or he'll complain and try to push you into things you're not not ready for in which case ditch him and run!
I don't know his exact age, but yes, he's about 10 years older than me. I like how you worded it above, "potential." Thank you!
I think the person above me was fearing more about a 25 year age gap or so š at least tht was my train of thought originally. When you're about 40 and he's about 50, that's not something I would worry about. Reddit just holds way too many stories of 50y/o guys lusting after 20-somethings.
I can unfortunately attest to this...
Just firmly establish boundaries, his reaction is your answer
Thank you!
I had a similar situation last year, I don't mind kissing on the first date if the vibe is there, and it was. Later that week she wanted to come over and watch a movie. I said that's fine BUT it wasn't a booty call. I made that clear, she tried to make it one. Don't make the same mistake I did, which was to try and see her again but in public, if someone doesn't respect your boundaries they aren't for you.
Tell him, kindly, but bluntly. "Datefriend, I like you, but I was not ready for that kiss the other night. I would like to keep seeing you, and getting to know you, but would like to keep things non-physical for the first month, then check in on trying more kissing. If I feel ready sooner, I will tell you, or initiate myself." Adjust the time period as you see fit and specify whether or not other forms of physical contact are okay. If you feel comfortable revealing this much, you could also tell him you are demi and explain what it is, and that physicality you aren't ready for could negatively impact your ability to become romantically or sexually attracted to him. His reaction could tell you a lot about who he is as a person, how well he handles consent.
I like how you phrased it above. THANK YOU!
This
If you would like to get to know him better and need more time to build up to kissing that's perfectly valid. I am about your age and just started dating again. I don't like kissing on the first few dates either. The build up to more intimacy like kissing can be really rewarding for the other person as well. So just explain and make him wait a bit. If he's not ok with it then you're just not compatible. But my experience most guys kind of like it.
Thank you! Iāve been so out of the dating scene, I had a major break up right before the pandemic, this is also new and itās nice to be reassured that Iām not the only one.
Communication is key.
I completely understand. My first kiss I got just didnāt feel like anything. I was friends with the person I went out with and decided to be honest about where I fell. He sat with that and we just kept open communication on how we moved forward since we were both still interested in seeing what happened.
Oh my gosh, OP, I was in a similar situation a few days ago! Except it was less ick and moreā¦nothing. No spark, just lips on lips š I plan to see him again soon, but Iām going to tell him to go slow at my pace. Good luck, OP š
Good luck to you as well! Thank you for sharing your experience, really helps to not feel like I'm the only one!
I'd put it to him simply, don't overthink it. "I like to move things slow and save kisses for later if we get there, is that okay with you?"
You need to tell him that you're demisexual up front, right now, and be prepared to deal with the consequences. I couldn't date someone who wanted to kiss after the first date. I would take that as a signal that that person is incapable of waiting for an attraction on my part to develop and would want sex/intimacy within the typical "first three dates." Nothing wrong with that, but just not my vibe, not something I could deal with. I won't know if I even *like you as a person* until we've been on like five dates, there's no fucking way I'm going to kiss you before then. It's not fair of me to ask that person to go on five dates with me before I even decide if I *like them*. This is why dating is so hard for demisexuals. I *have* to be friends with you/already like you as a person before we go on a date, it is never gonna happen otherwise.
Iām so glad to find this group! I have been in two loving and long (12 yrs +) relationships with people I met at work. I was younger then and it was in the before times when we all worked in an office or an outside environment. Iām a very affectionate and passionate person once I develop feelings for someone, and the one or two make our sessions I had in my youth were unsatisfying and empty. I thought something was wrong with me and Iāve shut down 2nd and 3rd dates out of fear of escalating physical expectations.
I feel like I can relate to this. The first few kisses can be so nerve-wrecking!
Can't even imagine a date without emotional connection. God that must be brutal. I'm in a situation where it's pretty complex situationship vibes and I'm willing to be here because the level of connection overrides the difficulty. I'm 34m and before this girl, was only surface level hookups and I'm tired of not connecting. Plus, the connection cultivates deeper desires sexually than surface level for me. Personally, I understand. Gotta voice that to him and if he is offended, you have now had a good glimpse of character.
I know, right? It's so good to know there are male demi-sexuals out there. I'm glad you've found a level of connection with your current girl, however difficult and complex it is, because you are CONNECTING. I really miss that feeling and as I type these words I'm just now realizing that I've stayed too long in bad relationships because deep down I knew dating would be tough for me.