The last girl I spoke to about this told me there are four stages of grief for a breakup. She studies psychology and social work. I have directed my feelings of attachment towards her, just so that I stop thinking about the girl who broke my heart. It works in the moment, and maybe for short periods of time afterwards. I know I won't fall in love with her, I guess it's just a rebound thing. If I tell the girl I'm doing this she'll likely stop talking to me. We haven't spoken that much lately anyway.
There are four stages, she says.
The first stage is where the world is ending. Everything is pain. You will never be happy again, never. You are in denial. It didn't happen. You can fix this. You can reverse it. You can be the person you should have been to make your ex happy. No one else in the world is interesting. No one understands. You are alone, clinging to a piece of space debris like a spacewreck survivor and you're flying past Jupiter. All you know is pain. You wake up in pain and you fall asleep in pain. There are a hundred thousand things you must tell your ex immediately. This will last a week or two, maybe more, depending on how much social contact you have, how interesting the world is outside your front door (you'll stay heartbroken longer if you live in a desolate suburb), how long your relationship was, how much your sense of self-worth and happiness derived from those beautiful little moments in which your ex told you s/he will love you forever and spoke to you in a tenderness which now feels like it may never have existed. All the beauty in the universe has ceased.
The second stage is where you begin to accept s/he is gone. You start to feel normal - not all the time, obviously, but for a minute here and there. A sunbeam shines through the hurricane and quickly disappears. The next day there's another sunbeam. You notice you feel normal for a moment. Then you are sad again. But you felt normal today. S/he is still constantly on your mind. You begin to find other (women/men/other) attractive again. You breathed normally for a few minutes today. You're still sad all the time. It still hurts. You still listen to that long voicemail she left you in WhatsApp where her voice still carried love and she wanted you to know she will care about your forever. It doesn't hurt as much. I'm in this stage now, and it should last a few weeks. Be in places where you will see other people of your preferred gender and feel things like, "Hey, I am capable of liking that person." Let yourself feel those feelings. Those distractions are healing.
The third stage, I guess, is where you feel okay all the time. You still miss your ex a lot, but you are aware that you are going to be okay.
The fourth stage is when it doesn't bother you at all. Do you have heartbreaks in your past? If so, you may be in the fourth stage. You never think about them. You've fallen so in love with someone else that you can't imagine what it would be like to still be in love with the person. They're no longer important or relevant to your brain. It doesn't matter if they think tons of things about you that aren't true. It doesn't matter if you speak to them and if you do, it doesn't matter what you say. You don't care what s/he is doing, except for passing curiosity. You see photos of them with other people and feel no emotion because you're in love with someone else or you've totally fallen out of love with your ex and time healed it. If you have heartbreaks from your past, and you have semi-recently experienced looking at their new lovers on social media but you didn't care because you're totally hung up on your current person, then you will be familiar with this fourth stage. It will come.
I don't think there's a time frame unfortunately. I went through the stages slowly, then when I thought I was alright they popped up as sadness one day, and anger for weeks. Just allow yourself to go through the process as it comes. You will know when you're ready to move on, and feel closure.
Man, I wish I knew. Somedays the sun is shining and I feel like I'm almost there. Somedays it's everything I have to keep moving. I got myself into therapy at the very beginning of our breakup and that has helped me find better ways to cope and process. Good luck healing your heart!
WHEW. I can honestly say that I am unconditionally loved and appreciated for who I am in my current relationship. I never knew love like this and I'm glad that I was "set free" to find it. I replay a lingering conversation with my therapist every now and then. She made me describe all the bad things or the things I wish I could change about that previous relationship. The look on her face when I was done with my list... She was baffled why I'd want to be with someone like that. She said most of the things I was asking for, we're just bare minimum. Text me back? Close the dresser drawers after you dress? Lock the door when you leave? Hindsight is 20/20. But man I was lost in the sauce. My biggest struggle was never being a priority to him. There was an incident very early on in my relationship with my would-be-husband and he immediately let me know that I was his sole priority. He would stop hanging out with this friend who was being nasty. They weren't a friend of his truly, if they couldn't see how much he loved me. He said the words I had never heard from my ex. I thought I was being punked. I used to beg somebody to make me top five, and this man is giving me number one without a struggle? Unbelievable!
That person moved on about the same time I did. Eventually got married and had a baby. We made eye contact in a public space and shared a smile. I know that there are no hard feelings. I feel we share a mutual understanding that our relationship was amazing and immature and it ended and that's okay. All of those things can be true at the same time. I used to think that I would always love him a little, but it took me a while to understand that it was actually ME I was in love with. I loved who I was around him. And I didn't have to stop being that person. So I fell back in love with myself! When I was happily healed, I met my partner and carefully fell in love again. I was scared but I communicated all of my fears and boundaries. I was very honest about where I was in my healing journey and he was very respectful and patient. I used to find myself wondering how things would be if they were different, but at the end of the day I have to be grateful for that last heartbreak and all it taught me. It put me on the path of being my best self. I became a better partner. I'm in a healthy marriage with the person I truly believe was made for me. He is my best friend. He protects my heart and never hurts it.
It isn’t linear and at different for everyone, but I think once you come to accept that it is truly over and there is no chance for reconciliation, it starts to get a lot easier. I think often times people hold onto the hope that their love will come back and make everything right and that keeps them from truly “crossing over” so to speak into the realm of acceptance and moving on. I think people can also fall a little bit in love with their pain and even addicted to it.
I don’t want to be one of these people who is still mourning this shit months or years from now so I am doing something called “living as if”. I am living “as if” this person has died and it’s helping me cope with the realization that this is truly over and there is no hope for a future together. Can’t have a future with a dead man, after all.
There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Technically this is the order, however different people can start at a different stages, and can stay at a stage longer than others.
You might even think you're over a stage and be right back the next week. It depends on the individual and how they heal.
The last girl I spoke to about this told me there are four stages of grief for a breakup. She studies psychology and social work. I have directed my feelings of attachment towards her, just so that I stop thinking about the girl who broke my heart. It works in the moment, and maybe for short periods of time afterwards. I know I won't fall in love with her, I guess it's just a rebound thing. If I tell the girl I'm doing this she'll likely stop talking to me. We haven't spoken that much lately anyway. There are four stages, she says. The first stage is where the world is ending. Everything is pain. You will never be happy again, never. You are in denial. It didn't happen. You can fix this. You can reverse it. You can be the person you should have been to make your ex happy. No one else in the world is interesting. No one understands. You are alone, clinging to a piece of space debris like a spacewreck survivor and you're flying past Jupiter. All you know is pain. You wake up in pain and you fall asleep in pain. There are a hundred thousand things you must tell your ex immediately. This will last a week or two, maybe more, depending on how much social contact you have, how interesting the world is outside your front door (you'll stay heartbroken longer if you live in a desolate suburb), how long your relationship was, how much your sense of self-worth and happiness derived from those beautiful little moments in which your ex told you s/he will love you forever and spoke to you in a tenderness which now feels like it may never have existed. All the beauty in the universe has ceased. The second stage is where you begin to accept s/he is gone. You start to feel normal - not all the time, obviously, but for a minute here and there. A sunbeam shines through the hurricane and quickly disappears. The next day there's another sunbeam. You notice you feel normal for a moment. Then you are sad again. But you felt normal today. S/he is still constantly on your mind. You begin to find other (women/men/other) attractive again. You breathed normally for a few minutes today. You're still sad all the time. It still hurts. You still listen to that long voicemail she left you in WhatsApp where her voice still carried love and she wanted you to know she will care about your forever. It doesn't hurt as much. I'm in this stage now, and it should last a few weeks. Be in places where you will see other people of your preferred gender and feel things like, "Hey, I am capable of liking that person." Let yourself feel those feelings. Those distractions are healing. The third stage, I guess, is where you feel okay all the time. You still miss your ex a lot, but you are aware that you are going to be okay. The fourth stage is when it doesn't bother you at all. Do you have heartbreaks in your past? If so, you may be in the fourth stage. You never think about them. You've fallen so in love with someone else that you can't imagine what it would be like to still be in love with the person. They're no longer important or relevant to your brain. It doesn't matter if they think tons of things about you that aren't true. It doesn't matter if you speak to them and if you do, it doesn't matter what you say. You don't care what s/he is doing, except for passing curiosity. You see photos of them with other people and feel no emotion because you're in love with someone else or you've totally fallen out of love with your ex and time healed it. If you have heartbreaks from your past, and you have semi-recently experienced looking at their new lovers on social media but you didn't care because you're totally hung up on your current person, then you will be familiar with this fourth stage. It will come.
I don't think there's a time frame unfortunately. I went through the stages slowly, then when I thought I was alright they popped up as sadness one day, and anger for weeks. Just allow yourself to go through the process as it comes. You will know when you're ready to move on, and feel closure.
How’re you doing now?
Man, I wish I knew. Somedays the sun is shining and I feel like I'm almost there. Somedays it's everything I have to keep moving. I got myself into therapy at the very beginning of our breakup and that has helped me find better ways to cope and process. Good luck healing your heart!
How’re you doing now?
WHEW. I can honestly say that I am unconditionally loved and appreciated for who I am in my current relationship. I never knew love like this and I'm glad that I was "set free" to find it. I replay a lingering conversation with my therapist every now and then. She made me describe all the bad things or the things I wish I could change about that previous relationship. The look on her face when I was done with my list... She was baffled why I'd want to be with someone like that. She said most of the things I was asking for, we're just bare minimum. Text me back? Close the dresser drawers after you dress? Lock the door when you leave? Hindsight is 20/20. But man I was lost in the sauce. My biggest struggle was never being a priority to him. There was an incident very early on in my relationship with my would-be-husband and he immediately let me know that I was his sole priority. He would stop hanging out with this friend who was being nasty. They weren't a friend of his truly, if they couldn't see how much he loved me. He said the words I had never heard from my ex. I thought I was being punked. I used to beg somebody to make me top five, and this man is giving me number one without a struggle? Unbelievable! That person moved on about the same time I did. Eventually got married and had a baby. We made eye contact in a public space and shared a smile. I know that there are no hard feelings. I feel we share a mutual understanding that our relationship was amazing and immature and it ended and that's okay. All of those things can be true at the same time. I used to think that I would always love him a little, but it took me a while to understand that it was actually ME I was in love with. I loved who I was around him. And I didn't have to stop being that person. So I fell back in love with myself! When I was happily healed, I met my partner and carefully fell in love again. I was scared but I communicated all of my fears and boundaries. I was very honest about where I was in my healing journey and he was very respectful and patient. I used to find myself wondering how things would be if they were different, but at the end of the day I have to be grateful for that last heartbreak and all it taught me. It put me on the path of being my best self. I became a better partner. I'm in a healthy marriage with the person I truly believe was made for me. He is my best friend. He protects my heart and never hurts it.
Wow! I’m so happy to hear that, hope I can say the same one day!
It isn’t linear and at different for everyone, but I think once you come to accept that it is truly over and there is no chance for reconciliation, it starts to get a lot easier. I think often times people hold onto the hope that their love will come back and make everything right and that keeps them from truly “crossing over” so to speak into the realm of acceptance and moving on. I think people can also fall a little bit in love with their pain and even addicted to it. I don’t want to be one of these people who is still mourning this shit months or years from now so I am doing something called “living as if”. I am living “as if” this person has died and it’s helping me cope with the realization that this is truly over and there is no hope for a future together. Can’t have a future with a dead man, after all.
How’re you doing now?
There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Technically this is the order, however different people can start at a different stages, and can stay at a stage longer than others. You might even think you're over a stage and be right back the next week. It depends on the individual and how they heal.
How’re you doing now?