My heart goes out to you, anonymous!
I have been married 8 years. I found pornography on my husband's phone about 3 months after we were married. We are still married, and we are quite happy!
It will take me way too long to describe the initial devastation I felt and everything that's happened since then. I will just summarize a few things -
1. This problem is just starting for you, but it has been a problem for your husband for a long time. I would go so far to say that he has probably looked at pornography off and on since he was a teenager, which means many times throughout your marriage. I'm sorry to say that this will likely be a long term issue and something he will struggle with for most of his life.
2. The ongoing shame and guilt that your husband probably feels regarding pornography is, imo, more complex than the actual pornography itself. You might find comfort in going to addiction recovering meetings or support meetings for wives, but my husband and I didn't. Personally, I am a bit wary of labeling any person's pornography habits as "addictive." Looking at pornography does not automatically equate with addiction, and neither your husband, your bishop, or the addiction recovery missionaries are qualified to diagnose an addiction. For me, it was much more helpful to understand my husband's interest in pornography as a poor coping mechanism (which I think is more accurate) for stress and other negative feelings.
3. My life changed radically when I stopped taking my husband's pornography use personally. I spent so many sleepless nights feeling angry, hurt, afraid, unloved, and as you also said, betrayed - but the person my husband is truly accountable to is God, not me. It is valid to feel how you feel, but I would not recommend staying in that mindset. Research over and over confirms that men do not look at pornography because they are dissatisfied with their sex life or their partner. Our brains our wired to respond pleasurably to sexually explicit stimuli like pornography. That's it. And we are all subject to certain temptations in the flesh - in the end, all sin separates us from God, whether it's pornography, pride, dishonesty, etc. Church culture often suggests because pornography is sexually explicit, looking at it is a sexual sin and therefore only one step short of murder. I do not agree with that attitude, and pornography use is not correlated with infidelity.
4. We tried many ways of being accountable - downloading software that blocked certain websites, exchanging passwords, history check ups, etc. In my experience, these did not really work. I got stuck for years obsessing over my husband's media use and constantly scrutinizing his behavior. It was really unhealthy for me and often just unproductive. There are always ways around that stuff! Eventually we settled on software that blocked certain websites, but I didn't check up on it. It was just there to help my husband stop for a minute and think about his choices. About 2 years ago we took that off of his computer too.
It took many years, but what helped most was when I turned my heart and grief to the Savior. Then I could actually listen to my husband with love. We felt that regular and open discussions about how my husband was feeling tempted, how he reacted, etc. were the best way to connect and face the problem together. About three years ago I finally reached a point where he could tell me that he slipped up again, and I could listen without crying or getting angry. Then, finally, my husband felt safe enough to cry and share how ashamed and disgusting he felt. And that moment helped me see that this burden is my husbands and God's. Not mine.
I know I've written too much already, but I would just say that you sound like you love your husband - I imagine the depth of pain you feel is because you thought so highly of him and your marriage beforehand. Spend some time with your husband - you will see that he his still that same person you love, still your best friend. Know that all things can and will be made right through the atonement of Christ. The best thing we can do for others is to reflect His pure love.
I agree and disagree with some of your points and sentiment.
The LDS church’s puritan views need to continue to soften and the shame produced for many just leads to more issues. Overcoming shame with things like porn is usually one of the first steps to separating from it.
At the same time, porn complicating and destroying relationships is not unique to the LDS faith or religion. I practiced as a therapist for many years, it goes far beyond religion.
Many women also struggle with porn addiction, it’s not unique to men or testosterone.
OP is also valid to feel betrayed here, it was a breach of her trust, even if you don’t see porn as inherently bad. He was knowingly doing something behind her back and hiding it, that’s not good for relationships.
As a professional therapist, are you aware that the American psychiatric Association does not consider pornography addiction to be a real thing? It would be a bummer if professionals were out there telling people that. if that’s what they wanna call it themselves, because it is drastically impacting their quality of life, that’s one thing. But professional therapist should not be labeling with that if they want to follow APA guidelines.
You’re right on the technicalities and it was of course never anything I’d diagnose or label, just using the term from OP. We can say problematic pornography viewing instead or getting into ICD’s and the point still holds, though.
I’m interested to see if it ends up being diagnosable or not in the long run. I hope to get back to therapy part time in retirement but just didn’t have it in me to build my own practice and couldn’t make enough in public practice
I mean, I’m sure it’s not perfect but it’s definitely a group of people who are data driven. The DSM is based on data. It’s a professional association, and while it’s true that there are plenty of quack therapists, there are also many good ones. I would also mention that the APA is focused on psychology, not simply therapy or counseling. Psychology is more data focused than “counseling” which is a broader term that can include a variety of professional licenses and certifications. I’m not sure what exactly lead you to believe that it is a joke, but it’s probably helpful to be a little bit more specific if you’re going to discuss it with other people, since it’s not super clear what exactly you are referring to.
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I was the person trying to say that politics has nothing to do with this, and I didn’t say any narratives about the church. I’m the one saying politics have nothing to do with this conversation. Personally, I don’t think that treatment of LGBTQ people is even politics, it’s just basic human decency. I don’t get why this guy gets to just call everything political when he means he doesn’t like it, and the voice of reason is the person getting deleted. I’m literally the one saying I’m open to learning new things, and asking for constructive conversation in the face of griping.
I disagree with some of what you wrote but agree with the overall sentiment.
I think I don’t like how you wrote about taking your kids out of Church. But I think I agree with the rest of what you wrote.
Upvote here.
>I really struggle to see how anyone can put watching porn on the same level as infidelity
I have never once seen anyone in the church put porn at the same level as infidelity. The main reason the church is against porn is not because it's a serious sin, but because it can lead to serious sins. Porn destroys lots of families in and out of the church.
That's a pretty extreme reaction to be sure. I'm pretty confident that 99% of human beings view some form of pornography during their lives.
I would also suggest that if he's reaching for pornography lately, there may be a lack of physical or emotional intimacy in the relationship.
The idea that lack of intimacy with his wife is the reason is void of any semblance of his agency.
We are not deterministic animals simply responding to external stimulus. We make choices. It’s not her fault that he can’t control himself. Often, the lack of intimacy in these situations (if it has even been an issue in this situation) comes as a result of the porn users withdrawal of intimacy, not the spouses.
There are also people who don’t have a spouse to be intimate with, they are just as accountable for their actions and expected to abstain from pornography. There are many who do so. It wasn’t that long ago that a man really had to go out of his way to get to porn. For the majority of human history, porn use wasn’t even possible for most people.
While there might be some correlation, it is NOT the primary causation.
It’s not a matter of “out of the blue” it’s a matter of putting the onus on her and her supposed lack of intimacy.
Even if she has withdrawn intimacy, that’s unlikely to be “out of the blue” too. Regardless of her choices, he can and should make his own, and while some of her choices might make it more difficult, the choice to weaken the fidelity of their marriage to look at porn is on him, just like the choice to weaken his connection with the Holy Spirit by looking at porn. That’s not Gods fault for not witnessing to him more often. He is an agent unto himself.
There are root causes to all problems in a relationship and saying that it's okay for a member of a couple to ignore their own role in a problem because in the end they each are their own agents also takes away the ability of the couple to acknowledge and overcome problems.
I don't care if it's porn or fighting or any other relationship issue.
If my wife cheats on me, that was her choice but it definitely doesn't mean I'm guiltless and 100% of the blame lies with her. Fixing that means I have to understand and change my part of that.
Any explanation you try to come up can be healthy or unhealthy. If you try to explain it using external stimuli, it isn't healthy, it's just an excuse. That's true of anything, not just porn: the way you react to things always has a personal choice somewhere at the head of the chain of reasons why it happened, one that's in your control. Finding that choice and learning to change it is the key to agency.
I think it makes sense for her to think so because he’s looking at other women. Jesus did say that lusting with your eyes happens before the action of lusting in person. While not necessarily as serious a cheating, I can see why OP would feel betrayed and ultimately I hope everything works out for the both of them!
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Lots of things can lead to serious sins. Pornography usage does not correlate with infidelity. It just doesn’t. There’s no statistics to back that up. maybe I’m wrong, and I would be really open to learning more about it if I am. But I don’t believe that there are any reliable studies that show that people who consume pornography are more likely to cheat on their partner.
I’m not advocating for church doctrine to change, and I’m not advocating for people to use or to not use it. But I think this idea that something can lead to sin is a little bit strange. Lots of things can lead to sin. Why is it that the church focus is so heavily on this one? I don’t really get it myself. If it’s not a sin on its own, why is the church allowing families to feel this much distress. There are many psychological studies that have shown that it can actually be psychologically beneficial to masturbate on a regular basis. Couples can do it together. It can make people closer. It can actually strengthen relationships. It could also harm them. But this specific laser focus on porn viewing within monogamous marriage feels bizarre to me.
The amount of distress this is causing OP could easily be avoided if she wasn’t terrified of this leading to something worse. But there’s not data to support the idea that it would lead to something worse. And so suddenly that distress becomes unnecessary, and seeing good people in pain like this bothers me.
Yes, I really think that’s true. People who have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality, tend to be less likely to feel the need to lie and sneak around. And if he knew that she was going to freak out, I can understand why he felt the need to lie to her. It doesn’t seem like she’s capable of having a reasonable conversation about this.
The church’s views on masturbation is unreasonable, I agree with that. Porn is something else entirely. And not just for the reasons you might think. It is an industry that is extremely hard on the people who take part. A lot of people get trafficked into it, and mistreated. You aren’t even safe with amateur stuff, since it can be revenge porn or recorded without permission. Even Only Fans has had a people who were manipulated or forced into it. I don’t want to consume something with so much potential for harm.
By all means, take some personal time to relieve yourself. But be open and honest with your spouse, don’t sneak around. Fantasizing about your spouse is best. You want to be with them, I hope, it’s just not practical right then. Maybe read some erotica or watch hentai if you need it, though those have their own problems with being grossly unrealistic. And if you have to force it, maybe it should wait until later, until you can be aroused by thinking of your spouse. But do whatever you can to cause harm to none
While it’s true that in professional porn, there are definitely some potential problems in terms of agency and safety, half of porn hub is just Home videos made by couples. So it’s very easy to find porn made by people who absolutely have agency and safety. So I just don’t think that argument can be made about porn in general. I do agree that it should feel important to look at materials that do not result in the creators being harmed in any way.
This conversation is so funny because I don’t consider myself to be a porn advocate lol. I just hate to see people in terrible pain when they don’t hav to be.
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>I feel like such a sucker for staying as well.
I don't want to criticize your feelings or excuse any of your husband's behavior. I do think it worth sharing that in my observation very, very few have decided to get divorced straightway after finding out about porn use by their partner. I think it is most common to try to stay together as they work through their issues. I don't think many would think of you as a 'sucker' for staying thus far given the details you've shared. That doesn't make it easy, but don't be too hard on yourself.
Word of advice... don't take it so personal because it's actually not about you. And just because someone watches porn, it does not mean they are addicted. And porn is not anywhere near the level of cheating, so idk if I would call it betraying your trust.
So now that those things are established, I'd say instead of making it about "betraying your trust" tell him that you just wish he was more open and honest about it with you. Try to listen to his point of view and figure out exactly why he's been doing it, because it could be for a variety of reasons.
Stay humble and remember that you don't know what it's like to want to watch porn, and it is not a sign of him not loving you.
>I now have such a hard time even wanting to look at him or give him any affection. I feel like such a sucker for staying as well.
I don't know the whole situation, but from what I've read, this will make the situation worse, not better.
If you draw away from him, he's going to fall deeper into pornography and simply learn to hide it from you.
To quote D&C, reprove betimes with sharpness, then show an increase in love.
I say the above though with the assumption he wants to stop viewing pornography and has simply relapsed on it.
And note that sharpness here means clarity - not harshness. I’m not sure any disapproval is going to help him tbh. Love, understanding and forgiveness, plus genuine and deep intimacy (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual), likely will. Porn is just counterfeit intimacy.
I’m going to give you an outsiders view. The odds your husband is addicted to porn are near 0. Addiction is compulsively doing something while your life falls apart (missing work, not paying bills, not helping raise the kids, etc). Unless he closed off in a dark room watching porn 10 hours a day, he’s not addicted, he’s just a man with natural urges. Slapping the label of “addiction” on someone who occasionally looks at porn is so damaging it’s actually disgusting. Making them go to addiction recovery groups when not truly addicted makes it even worse. It’s nothing more than a negative feedback loop of shame. Why? B/c the urge to look at porn will never go away as long as testosterone is pumping through his veins.
💯!!!
Unfortunately, many in the church are shamed because they have looked at it and are labeled an "addict". So damaging.
Many wives feel betrayed like their husband literally cheated on them. Leaders in the church have backed off recently and that's been helping. But the stigma is still there.
To be fair, I didn’t convert (or even attend any type of church) until I was in my mid 20s & I wasn’t raised religious. But the idea / knowledge that my partners were watching porn has always made me feel uncomfortable. Watching it has also always made me feel yucky and ashamed. I was told by everyone I was friends with & society in general that there is nothing wrong with porn. My dad even had playboys in our business bathroom growing up. So I literally had no reason to feel uncomfortable about myself or my partners watching or looking at porn. Regardless, I always did feel uncomfortable. So I was relieved when I finally met a man who didn’t support watching it. I would definitely be hurt if I found out he was watching it… and that’s not because I’ve joined the church.
Also blaming it on testosterone is such an easy out. Everyone has sexual urges, not just men. It’s about self control. If this couple had the mutual agreement of not doing something (be it watching porn or something else) & one of them does it, then it is a violation of the other partners trust. If you want to watch porn just own it instead of making up bogus excuses lol
Sister my heart hurts for you, it’s completely understandable to feel betrayed as that’s how we as women have been taught to feel growing up when taught about the usage of pornography. Porn *is* harmful to the human psyche and can damage relationships, but the way we’ve approached this issue previously has often done more harm than good, both in terms of mental health and actually fixing the issue.
First, please know that very few people can truly be classified as having a porn addiction. Your husband most likely isn’t one of them. It’s not helpful to you nor your spouse to call this an addiction. Dr. David Ley, a psychologist specializing in sexuality, states, "The 'addiction' model is not only scientifically inaccurate, but it also creates a sense of hopelessness and shame that can actually make it harder for people to overcome problematic behaviors."
I like how Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (a LDS Marriage and Sexuality therapist) reframes it as “unwanted pornography use”. It’s a much less emotionally charged label than addiction and puts power and accountability back into your husband’s hands.
You’d be amazed at how healing it can be just to reframe your thinking on this, for you, your husband, and your relationship. I know this reframing might feel challenging at first, but I encourage you to give it a try. When we focus on understanding the underlying reasons for unwanted pornography use, we open the door to compassion and healing.
It's important to remember that your husband has agency and is ultimately responsible for his choices. However, your love, support, and understanding can play a crucial role in his journey towards overcoming this challenge.
If you're open to exploring this further, I highly recommend checking out the work of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She offers insightful perspectives and practical tools for navigating these issues within a faith-based context. Here’s a [podcast episode](https://finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/post/challenge-pornography-marriage) on the topic. I think you and your husband could both benefit from giving it a listen.
Please know that you're not alone in this. Many couples have been where you are now and have come out stronger in the end. There is hope and healing available, both for your husband and for your marriage. I truly believe that with prayer, communication, and the right tools, you can both find healing and strengthen your relationship.
What if I said I think it is normal and ok?
IMHO. He doesn’t love his wife any less. He couldn’t pick out the female in a line up if his life depended on it. It’s not about listing after another woman. He’s probably more excited for his wife after watching it.
Now, I’m picturing this act lasting about 5 mins and it’s over.
My best advice is to look into professional therapy (not affiliated with the Church) and into the Church General Addiction support programs. Most areas have addiction recovery group meetings as well as support meetings for family. Even if your husband didn't want to go you could go for support. This also might not be an addiction (not that he shouldn't try to stop the behavior) - is he looking at the stuff like hourly/daily, affecting his daily life? Or getting bored twice a month and venturing into the wrong subreddits...?
I think it might be hard to find the support you are looking for on reddit...
I know it is hard but I would try not to blame yourself at all or feel shame about this. It is extremely common.
Amen! Therapy is super important. If you have the means, individual and couple therapy can be very healing in the process. The addiction recovery program is top notch and will absolutely bring the spirit into the conversation more. It's meant for both of you to be there! Also, it is intended to be private. I'll also shamelessly mention my favorite podcast right now "Come Back Podcast". There is an episode about someone who struggled with Pornography from Dec 10th 2023 that was really good.
You shouldn't feel alone, this is a really common struggle in the church. Use the addiction recovery program meetings as a support group to help you both get through this with hope and the spirit. Any opportunity to leverage the atonement should be hopeful, hard, and full of both joy and love.
For lots of men, it's very difficult to avoid and resist. Work with him, support him, and communicate how it makes you feel. He's imperfect, just like all of us are.
This red line always surprises me. I can understand many reasons for divorce like an affair, gambling addiction, abuse, or even harmful drug abuse. What other sins that only affect the sinner's body are worth divorce? Drinking coffee? Bad eating habits? Frankly, I'm even surprised by those who choose divorce for a faith crisis. Divorce is unfathomably destructive, especially when children are involved. I suppose if there are no children in the marriage, you can walk away, but it still surprises me.
One thing I would advise is to avoid labeling it as an addiction without solid evidence (this post does not paint enough of a picture to guess either way). Premature labeling porn usage as an addiction when it is not at that point often times has a negative effect on the user reducing usage like they want to.
Some therapy pairs with some couples counseling would be good as there are some strong emotions that should be approached with love and care. Couples therapy would help with framing so communication does not become impaired
It sounds like you should do some research on the topic. Like lots and lots of research. Read books and articles and studies.
Granted, it is pretty clear that pornography isn’t “healthy”. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s use is out of rebelliousness. It’s use is far more often out of “weakness”.
Men and women are different and as such, generally have different struggles.
For instance, imagine if a woman has an eating disorder due to body dysmorphia or something. Let’s say that the woman is refusing to eat or is throwing up everything she eats in order to “cope” with her body dysmorphia. - now let’s say she has a loving husband who notices this unhealthy behavior, but misdiagnoses the cause. Perhaps he pleads with his wife by saying, “Why are you continuing with this unhealthy behavior? I tell you all the time that you are already beautiful! Isn’t what I think of you good enough for you?”
By asking questions like this, the husband would make his wife’s issues about himself rather than recognizing that this issue is more akin to a disease that his wife has fallen prey to.
If the problem is misdiagnosed, it can lead to unhelpful shaming and can cause additional stress which can result in even more dependence on the unhealthy actions/habits/addictions.
Your husband may or may not have an “addiction”. He may actually be fairly average compared with the general population.
Porn use is far more often used as a coping mechanism to deal with stress. It’s a poor coping mechanism of course, but it’s one that has become readily available to men with just a few clicks. - it affects mostly men, but also is increasing in its affect among women.
But again, men and women are different and often choose different vices.
You can absolutely choose to view your husband’s use of pornography as infidelity, and he will likely continue to feel worse and worse about himself. - Or you can choose to see it as a disease that he has caught that will need a lot of love and attention to help him recover from.
One last thing- be careful not to set yourselves up for failure by claiming that only 100% abstinence from porn is a success. Instead recognize that going longer and longer between uses can be a very reasonable goal. That way, if there is a relapse after several months or a year of abstaining, you don’t have to consider yourselves being back at square one.
Good luck!
OK, I’m going to tread lightly here, and I may say some things that people might have negative knee-jerk reactions about, but I hope you’ll hear me out.
First of all, yes, I think porn can be/is problematic in a lot of ways—in how it’s produced, consumed, marketed, and the inaccurate ways it portrays sex.
However, I think the “addiction” idea gets applied to porn use a LOT when it’s not an accurate connection. Is your husband missing work to stay home and watch it, is he amassing a collection, spending lots of money on it? Is it taking him away from his normal family relationships? Does he need a “fix” before he can go on with his day? Or does he occasionally look at porn to numb out, distract himself, “relax and unwind,” or live vicariously? (Note, I’m not justifying it for those reasons, just trying to point out a spectrum). Think of it like a food addict who consistently overeats, including secret food, mindless snacking in the middle of the night, and always “feeding their feelings” vs. someone who has a real rough day and decides to treat themselves to a donut for some catharsis to counteract the emotional exhaustion.
With any addiction or overuse of things (porn, alcohol, food, social media, etc.) the REAL question to ask is, “What pain is causing this person to numb out/distract himself?” Yes, you are hurt and feel betrayed—that’s totally justified when you find out a secret and feel your spouse wasn’t open and honest with you—especially if what he’s done is in opposition to your standards (and his). However, I hope you’re seeing that HE is hurting for reasons unrelated to porn at all, and also feels he’s betrayed himself. And like I said, the important thing to consider is NOT that he’s looking at porn, it’s what mental/emotional/spiritual challenges is he struggling with that make him feel the need to escape.
You mentioned he feels a lot of shame and a lack of confidence—are those related to his life in general? There are a lot of people in the world—including in the church—who suffer from toxic shame, originating when they were children—which leads to people pleasing, overfunctioning, perfectionism, and religious scrupulosity. ALL of these things can be BRUTALLY DAMAGING to a person’s sense of self, self-love, and identity. He may be overloaded with the weight of not knowing who he is, what he wants, or the feeling that he has to neglect himself for the good of everyone else. All of these things are directly tied to compulsive and addictive behaviors, because they’re a way to escape the hurt, soothe the hurt inner child, rebel against tension, etc.
I can only go by what I’m reading and what I’m assuming from the experiences I’ve had with those I know, (including being a recovering people-pleasing perfectionist myself), but I would say that what he needs is MORE compassion, communication, and affection. That doesn’t mean you’re “giving him sex to keep him away from porn”--that doesn’t work. It also doesn’t mean monitoring him like a helicopter parent—you are peers, not mother and child. He needs help fixing what’s REALLY at the core, so focus on that—the form of the addiction/distraction is much less important.
Dont push him away, and don't you dare even bring up the D word with him. Unless he's looking at some seriously disgusting stuff this is something you can definitely work through. Threatening or even mentioning divorce can ruin everything you'd like your relationship together to be.
Have you asked him why he feels the way he does? What's changed in the past year? Is he happy? Have stress levels gone up? How can you support him?
Those are the questions you should be asking, not if you should leave him. Are you sealed together? This could easily be a blip of discomfort with an amazing husband in the eternal view of things.
I'm sorry, I can't answer your question. But I have some thoughts/insight to share.
This might be hard to accept, but this probably isn't about you. This is about him having poor coping skills, and a poor outlet for negative feelings or stressful situations. There is a long list of potential things he's using this for to either escape from or make up for. And you're probably not on it.
If he never beat you, or caused a car accident, or threw up on you, would you divorce over drinking alcohol?
How about stress eating? Would you divorce him if he gained 50 lbs?
What about self harm? If he cut himself, would you divorce him?
I know these aren't exactly the same as what he is doing, I'm just trying to illustrate a point. Pornography use does have some different connotations and impacts.
I'm not advocating for staying if he is abusing you in any way. But think about what you would stay for and what you would leave for. Would you be willing to support him, to help him overcome his issues, or would it be too much? If he stops for 6 months and starts again, will you be able to stay with him? Is this really worth tossing out 7 years of marriage? The answer is up to you these are just thought exercises.
Your bishop is on the list of people who know, why not set up an appointment with him?
The church draws a terrible line around pornography. Is it healthy? Probably not. Is it the worst thing someone can do next to murder? Also probably not.
Lots of LDS guys have a hard time being honest around this issue with their spouse because of the inflammatory language the church uses around pornography. Most sex educators believe ethical pornography is okay in moderation. I am not excusing his behavior. The violation of marital trust is real. I am saying the church puts unnecessary gravity on this activity.
I went through sex addiction recovery 7 years ago with one of the top LDS sex addiction therapists and it was really helpful. He told me his clients included currently bishops, stake presidents, and even members of the 70. One of his clients had spoke in generally conference recently (crazy! I thought) This issue is everywhere. Your husband is likely not a depraved sex addict. He is still worthy of love.
Best books I’ve read about this: “He Restoreth My Soul” is awesome. And my wife loved reading “Love You, Hate the Porn”. These books were very helpful for my me and my wife.
If you think your husband is the only one with the problem, he isn’t. If you leave your husband because of porn, good luck finding a guy who isn’t struggling with it. So many LDS marriages are needlessly ended because of porn. We are never given the tools to communicate or work through this issue in an adult, healthy way.
I hope you and your marriage can find recovery and healing. I am sorry this happened.
It will be hard but try to be compassionate and find out why he's doing it and understand why you feel the way you do about it. Therapy can help. For both of you. Chances are that he doesn't want to be looking at porn but is doing it as an escape or release. Remember, him looking at porn does not change his love for you. Good luck.
This cannot be upvoted enough.
Shame/guilt/pressure over porn actually makes porn consumption worse and higher (many studies have shown this).
You want your husband to love you more? Show support, and love him.
I know it is not on the same plane, but I’m sure your husband loves and supports you over small things like a lack of communication, or when you criticize a neighbor’s parenting, or when you may gossip, or focus on looks vs the inward person.
He loves you and he could use a hand, not a judgement. Good luck, because you probably should ease up on the guy - nobody is near perfect.
Also look up Reddit lds and porn. There are many statistics that put this practice into a common light.
It’s important to recognize that pornography addiction is not recognized by the DSM, and it’s not a professionally recognized condition.
An aside that may or may not be relevant:
Jodi Hildebrandt was obsessed with saying that any consumption whatsoever constituted an addiction. She called every man she worked with a sex addict, and told his wife to leave him. She ripped families apart with this, and then she charged them tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars for further treatment while she also promoted child abuse. She is not the only one. For whatever reason, there is a group of LDS therapists who are obsessed with ripping families apart by focusing this much on porn. And, during all of that, the church was supporting her and kept her on the list of approved therapists. I’ve talked about this a few times in this sub, but there’s something weird going on. There’s like a whole subset of people in the church who are obsessed with energy, reading, pornography, it’s Chad Daybell stuff. She was being reported for child abuse after keeping her niece literally captive, and the church worked with her and promoted her. She violated HIPPA. This fell through the cracks in a way that it should never have been allowed to by leadership and it almost killed real children.
It may seem unrelated, but the language you are using, makes me feel the need to state this on the off chance that you are being influenced by that particular kind of philosophy. If you have never read visions of glory, and you aren’t involved in energy healing, and that kind of nutty subset, then you can ignore most of what I just wrote. If you are getting your information from people who loved the book visions of glory, you might need some assistance from your church leaders.
Back to the advice for everyone:
Whether or not you are against it for doctrinal reasons, I respect that. Stick to your beliefs. Stick to the beliefs of the church. That’s fine. But you need to make sure that you are speaking with actual reliable professionals who understand psychology if you are going to to use the word “addiction.”
I really feel like the level of intensity is putting families into major crisis that don’t necessarily need to happen. Like yes, it’s reasonable to say that you don’t want him to do that. But to let it turn your entire family upside down is a choice. You don’t have to choose to let this ruin your entire world. Does he want to stop? If so, just work on that together. I just feel like it would be a huge tragedy If real families fell apart and children lost their family unit because this one act was considered so heinous. The family is more important than enacting judgement on a person while on this earth.
I really think that you should be more specific about why you think this qualifies as in an addiction as opposed to just a sin. What are the resources you are using to learn about this? Addiction refers to a serious psychological and physical illness. A sin is theological. They’re not the same. There is a huge amount of data in the psychology world that talks about porn and masturbation in the context of it being a normal human desire. Once again, if you don’t want him to do it, it’s OK *for theological reasons* to ask him to deny this very normal human desire. But it doesn’t make somebody an addict. I just feel like that language is really dangerous when it’s being misused. And it’s causing you to have a level of fear and distress that may not be totally necessary. You can repent and solve this together without thinking that he’s an addict. Like unless he’s looking at it in the workplace, he’s probably not an addict.
It's okay to feel betrayed. I think your marriage is worth saving. There can be repentance and forgiveness. The sad truth is that [it will be difficult to find a man who has never viewed pornography](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/770968). I don't think it's the same as adultery. That being said, you don't need to put up with it going forward. One way to be supportive is to ask your spouse what habits and situations you can create so to avoid temptation. Open talk without fear and shame can help. The same goes if you were struggling with a bad habit. You can have a happy, beautiful, and chaste life with your current husband for the next seven years and beyond.
I advise only participating if he wants you to, but be careful not to police. You’ll kill the romance between you if you start trying to manage the sins of another. You’ll create a power imbalance and he’ll never feel worthy to you.
Colleen Harrison's And He did deliver you from bondage may help.
Experts will tell you that if you want to rid yourself of a habit, and changing the environment (use a phone that doesnt give access, give away the TV. never alone in the bathroom, different route to work, no money to buy it) isn't enough, you need to substitute something else every.single.time.you start to want to do that and continue doing that substitute until you are fully exhausted and go to sleep or until you no longer have any desire. It could be dancing or running or reciting or writing or quilting or cleaning or playing an instrument or making lego castles or something else or any combination, but every time until so exhausted you go to sleep. Usually this takes 30-45 days, but if it takes longer keep inserting the substitutes every.single.time.the idea comes into the brain.
For some the behavior becomes a coping mechanism for something (maybe even wholly unrelated to sex. So he needs to see a therapist if the above doesn't resolve it. They can help identify the purpose and find a coping mechanism that ISNT porn use. For your spouse he needs to fully understand how he ended up back in it (though it sometimes turns out it was never fully stopped. Many men have the misunderstanding that this is about sex and that after marriage the issue just doesnt come up.)
You can get through this. It is highly likely that what he has done is not about you or anything negative about you. And also not because of anything you did or didn't do (even if at some time he stupidly may suggest it is in some way.)
I would just say that this is not a betrayal. As one who struggles with the occasional porn and is married, it’s not infidelity in the slightest.
And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but leaving someone for porn usage and finding another partner will probably be a cycle, as porn usage is incredibly common. Not saying it’s ok but it’s how it is
Would you think any differently if you knew he was infatuated with you and fantasized about you while watching it? (A common occurrence among married men who watch porn). Porn isn't about physical lust per se, but it is frequently about a man wanting to feel wanted. Women, for all intents and purposes control access to physical intimacy, specifically about whether they feel emotionally secure enough in the relationship that they can allow such a physical union. If they don't feel secure, sex doesn't happen. Not knowing specifics, I'm guessing the frequency, who initiates intimacy, and the differences in physical desires have played a role in your relationship.
Placing the burden solely on women for the absence of sex, or the presence of pornography is extraordinarily cruel and not what I am suggesting. What I am saying is that this issue has many, many layers, and getting a divorce over this will only compound feelings of utter personal and societal rejection. I would encourage you to look a little deeper at the many layers of this issue - especially from what men are experiencing in the world today (look at the 4b feminist movement in South Korea for example).
In today's world, middle aged men are essentially discarded, and the suicide rates are alarming: https://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-living/info-2023/suicides-rising-among-older-men.html#:\~:text=Provisional%20data%20for%202022%20from,percent%20for%20those%2065%2Dplus.
Professionally, men are becoming an increasingly marginalized group, especially middle-aged men, and they are losing a meaningful place in society that brought them feelings of self-worth.
In your response, your dismay suggests that you are the one that controls intimacy and knowing that you have lost a bit of that control, or even the conditions by which intimacy is realized is a big factor in your dismay (and now your feelings of not even wanting to look at him). Your feelings are very real, and you have a right to feel hurt, however, my guess is, from what little I know, it sounds like he is a decent man who is trying and there is much more to the story. The fact that he is willing to visit with the bishop is a HUGE positive in my mind (it displays humility, and a desire to find ways to get on a better path).
While I am not a general fan of sharing these things on platforms such as Reddit, I felt like I should write a few words of encouragement.
You can make it through this, and I am confident that if you both turn to God and Christ, it will work out best in the end.
From another comment she made, this doesn’t seem to be the case. He seems to be controlling the intimacy and replacing it with porn, which I think changes the dynamic quite a lot.
I've been out of the church for a couple years now, and I can tell you that the concern over pornography is mostly a concern within the religion. Now, I'm not going to go over whether it's right or wrong because I've got my own opinions, and they're irrelevant here. The point is that you feel distressed over your husband being addicted to pornography. Your feelings are valid even if I don't agree with them.
That being said, porn is a very natural thing to like. It drives a psychological and physiological need. That's why to Mormons, it comes off as addictive. It's really just biology. Being addicted to porn is kind of like being addicted to food.
My advice to you is to be patient with him. Part of the thrill of porn is the fact that it's such taboo. The more you shame him, the more he'll seek it out because it will be seen as "dangerous." You can encourage him to stop, but making it an ultimatum won't do much good because he will have a much harder time letting go of it.
You’ve already had loads of great responses so idk if you’ll even see this but my heart goes out to you! The Savior can heal you and your husband. You are both so loved.
Pray mightily for your husband. Pray for strength to forgive him and to be healed. Many men and women have been healed from porn use. Your husband (if sincerely repentant) can overcome this. He will need your love and support, not condemnation to move forward. Not excusing his behavior at all, but when you stand before God you’ll never regret giving grace and compassion where you could totally condemn someone. Forgive and you will be freed!!
Help your husband stay accountable without shaming him. Shame is a downward spiral this will not facilitate positive change for him.
Please DONT feel like a sucker. You sound like an amazing spouse. You’ve already demonstrated that by keeping this private from those you know rather than talking about him to your family or friends to validate your own pain to get validation from people you know. It’s can feel like a lonely path but this too will pass- you are in good company. So many others have been in this same situation. Most important, the Savior will be with you and if you turn to Him this experience will bless your relationship with Jesus. Prayers sister 🩵
Coming from the perspective of the husband who has relapsed 4 times since being married, all I can really say is do your best to support him. I know it’s really hard to do so given your feelings, that he went behind your back to hide something from you, and then you may feel yourself not being good enough for him because he turned to pornography.
My wife is not very supportive through my personal struggles, and definitely was not supportive when I’ve told her I relapsed. The last time I did I slept on the couch for a week because of the guilt I experienced every single day. She would yell, put me down, and shame me for what I had done. She did hit me once. And I think her feelings and thoughts are valid, but not how she treated me when I’m most vulnerable. I think a conversation about his thoughts and feelings along with yours would help a lot, much like a companionship inventory that missionaries do (or did?)
Please just do your best to be supportive of him getting past this slump.
This breaks my heart so much. Does she go to a 12 step group? I think both of you would benefit. She needs a healthy group of people to talk to about it and good examples of how to help a husband overcome this. Shame doesn't encourage honesty or recovery, in fact I'm sure it just pushes you further (it's your responsibility, but she can either help or hurt greatly).
Thanks for your kindness.
No, she didn’t do 12 step with me when I did it. She’s pretty hands-off with support, so I’m left in my own corner most of the time. I’d like to get a local therapist when I can afford it, and I know for sure she speaks with spouses of those who have watched pornography.
I don't know how I can help, but if she's ever ready to talk to another wife who might be able to help her handle it more positively (for her own she as much as yours).. I'm her girl.
I really hope you can both find peace and grow together through this. It's been really powerful for my husband and I.
I'm sorry your wife did that to you. It's terrible that she "resorted" to doing that to you. I have strived to not do that to my husband. Since I've made this post, I've talked with him a lot more and I made sure to know if he felt supported by me or not. He's respecting my boundaries and taking it slow, which is definitely something I need right now. Best to you <3 You don't deserve that treatment, even if you've relapsed a few times.
I somehow didn’t see this comment till now but thank you for your kind words, and also I’m glad it’s working out between you and your husband and y’all are on the same page about progress and recovery. Wishing the best for you!
This is so hard and shocking. I was shocked the first time I found out too. So give yourself time to grieve and adjust.
In my case, I felt hurt but the truth is it had nothing to do with me. And he was the person I knew him to be. I told myself it hurt more that he didn't tell me. But he didn't tell me because of the shame he was carrying. I realized I had a lot of things to change so he would trust me.
I would say, try your best not make him feel judged. He already feels so much shame and from you he needs a place where he can feel safe in his own shame. Where he knows you will love him no matter what. It takes time, but try to create a relationship like that.
It has helped me to try not to make it a big deal. Just like forgetting to read your scriptures or slipping up on a diet, porn is a habit that is just hard to break. It is a big deal in that the law of chastity is a big deal. But it doesn't make him any more of a bad person because he struggles with this rather than any other bad habit. (Getting advice outside of the church can be helpful in that sense because it takes the serious sin feeling out of it and gives you room to breathe)
Recent research has moved away from calling it an addiction. Some in fact claim that treating it so can exacerbate it.
In our experience viewing porn has more been a coping mechanism to deal with some complicated emotions. Learning to deal with those emotions in healthier ways has been pretty effective. He was seeing a therapist (and I was seeing a therapist for a while my own stuff too). And we worked out a lot of things in our relationship. He still slips up but he has been faster at telling me and it hasn't brought him so down that it's difficult to get back out. We are still learning. We fall apart and get back up. When we get back up, it is something magical for our relationship. Getting through these hard things connects you like nothing else can.
Don't despair. Many, many - most if not all- couples in the church deal with this at some point.
Edit: I'm adding that part of the problem for us was as simple as mismatched sex drives and figuring out a good compromise - if it means a hand job or quickie for him when it's reasonable for me to give it which is really most of the time.
Not everyone has the same sex drive. Treating him like he's disgusting is just going to give him long term trauma and deep shame feeling like an unworthy piece of crap for a natural urge to reproduce. Men generally have higher sex drives than women, and if you guys aren't very sexually active, 9.99x out of 10, the guy is going to do it himself so he can go back to thinking clearly.
As someone who went to lots of the church hosted AA meetings in different wards and states to try to get over a porn/masturbation "addiction", California and Utah were VERY different vibes in terms of how bishops treated it. Cali bishops were more the "Yeah I'm tired of hearing about this from literally every man in the ward, do your best to put a lid on it, but it's more normal than you think, you're just more brave than others for even talking to me about it." Utah bishops went the route of "Here are my personal 10 commandments of why you are the scum of the earth." Guess which was more helpful and which one got me to stop attending church.
Leaving your husband and treating him differently over it is naive and would likely be the most mentally damaging thing you could possibly do to him. He already DEEPLY hates himself for being weak.
Sister, one thing you should know is that the Church's addiction program *isn't just for addicts*. There is a spousal support group that meets at the same time. You most certainly aren't alone.
You mentioned that you were worried you would be viewed as 'a sucker' for staying. The people who would harshly judge you aren't people you're married to. Their opinion means nothing.
You are much less alone than the adversary has made you feel.
I am not telling you what to do about intimacy, that is none of my business. But, as hard as it is for you, he could use a lack of intimacy as an excuse. As others have mentioned, it is natural for you to feel the way you do. Just be aware that if you love him and want to work on your relationship, total withdrawal will not have a positive effect.
Intimacy may be out for now, but try not to totally shut him down. He needs some positive reinforcement too.
I want to make sure you don't feel guilt or obligation to him, either. I'm sure you feel horrible, and healing takes time. So please don't feel guilty for the way you feel. That isn't the way to resume intimacy. It will drive you further from it. I only wanted to encourage you to - if you can do anything at some point - do it. Just because he has an excuse doesn't make it your fault. Apologies if I made it sound any other way. I only meant to point out how he might think or feel. Either way, sounds like you both need God's healing. And may He help both of you heal.
Your feeling are valid. It's disgusting and hurtful.
At the same time, an absurd amount of men struggle with it and it will only get worse I think. When I (YSA aged) attended the porn focused 12 steps program, probably half of the really active men showed their faces eventually. The host was a senior missionary and former bishop who also struggled with it.
I have previously said before that I think the women of the church would be absolutely heartbroken if they realized just how prominent the problem is.
Honestly, as one of those wives, in the moments I'm so shattered about a relapse, I consider re-entering the dating pool again (for only a moment) and then think "at least I'm with a man who can admit it". I don't think my father ever did, and many hide it for most/all of their lives out of shame, or knowledge of what their wife would do. And I honestly wouldn't be able to believe or trust a man who told me he didn't have a problem with porn now.
The only time I've gotten a decent sample of men that talked about the issue openly was at the MTC and one out of 11 didn't have any issues with it. Seemed more out of luck than anything.
Habits like porn often stem of some sort of unfulfilled need.
Counseling is the place to come together and find what needs are not being met in the relationship.
I can guarantee you that he has some unfulfilled needs that are driving him to this behavior. You need to figure them out and help him fill those needs within your relationship so he doesn't have a desire to look elsewhere.
This is a tough topic and I'm very sorry for how much this has hurt you. I know it's not easy. There are some important things to understand though.
First, your husband is not the only LDS man to watch porn. It's wrong to do but it is a very common struggle. Statistically, 99% (real statistic) of men say they have viewed porn at some point in their life. Again, that doesn't make it good or ok. It's just that it is a nearly ubiquitous sin, not to the extent of pride but almost.
Secondly, I hope he is willing to stop but that doesn't necessarily happen right away. If he feels he can't stop on his own, the church has programs that can help. Understand though that joining a program is a big ask and is not for everyone and it won't make it all magically go away.
Third, he still loves you. Porn is not a dismissal of your relationship. It's a complex struggle and usually is more about coping with emotions, depression, anger, etc than anything else. Obviously, there is an element that is sexual but it's not the same as being in a relationship with another woman.
Fourth, testosterone is an incredibly powerful hormone which keeps your sex drive on 24/7. It can be exhausting at times. Women don't typically understand how significant this is.
My best advice is to try to understand him and try not to be angry while still being clear that you are not ok with it. The more he is shamed and the more you are angry the harder it will be to walk away from because it's more of an emotional cope than anything else.
Also, don't hesitate to talk to a therapist yourself. Not because something is wrong with you but because it can really help to get professional guidance through a very very difficult time in your life.
Also, call me crazy but exercise helps... for both of you.
Sincerely, I wish you the best with this difficult situation.
I think it would be helpful to understand what this behavior means to your husband vs what it means to you.
I.e. you appear to be experiencing it as a breach of your relationship - in essence, he cheated. I.e. Your world is turned upside down because you thought you had a loyal spouse and now you have been shocked to learn you have a cheating spouse. You may feel rejected, ashamed, betrayed, angry, resentful etc. All valid emotions.
I am not saying those views are accurate / correct, I am saying I can see from your perspective and I can understand your feelings.
The behavior might not mean any of those things to him. Is he acting out in this way due to stress or some other mental health pressure? Is the behavior about "sex" - or is it about anxiety management (or depression management / etc). Does he feel alone and disconnected? Does this behavior provide the illusion of connection? Is it hard for him to feel connected to other people? Can he replace the illusion for real connection?
We use 1 word (pornography) to represent MANY different things that are not morally equivalent. I.e. some pornography is criminally illegal. Some pornography is used in commonplace advertising for public consumption. Some pornography can be seen in a chapel on Sunday (depending on how you want to define the word and how people are dressed that day).
I think it is not helpful to use this word which can represent so many different things that are not moral/ethical equivalents.
The main point I'm trying to get across is this - communicate. Deal with your hurt, and come back to the marriage with curiosity. His behaviors are his behaviors, they do not make you less of a woman or less of a spouse. They can be replaced with better behaviors - ones that serve each of you and your relationship better.
I don't think you would have chosen him if he did not have many wonderful qualities. Your joint goal is not "never mess up", your joint goal is "make a wonderful marriage" - that is a journey, a process. It requires each of you doing right things, NOT just avoiding "bad" things.
You have more authenticity in your marriage today than you have had all year. That increase in authenticity is a great foundation to build on. Figure it out, take the forward steps, without guilt or shame, but two people growing together.
I’ve been through it, although I don’t think I’m done going through it. If it’s really an addiction, then porn is probably a symptom of a greater problem. Pulling back the onion layers of childhood trauma, faith-based shame, mental illness, etc with my spouse has been exhausting and got me asking questions far beyond porn at this point. It doesn’t sound like it’s quite that serious for you but it’s hard to say at this stage. One podcast that I’ve really enjoyed listening to is the Jennifer finlayson-fife podcast. And there’s also “thriving after pornography” which is really good too.
Basically, you need to get curious about why he’s behaving that way and open up a space for real intimacy in your marriage — the intimacy that comes from really knowing and accepting each other. If it gets to the point that you know exactly what reality you are living in, and it’s just unacceptable for you, then either of you have the right to choose to separate/divorce. And that’s really all it comes down to. You know, love, and accept each other. Or you don’t. It’s scary but worth having a truly intimate marriage. I try to remember to look at the many positives of my husband and exercise forgiveness often. But yes, hiding porn does feel like a betrayal and I understand exactly how that feels. And if you don’t feel like being intimate with him right now, there is no need to force yourself to do so. Please don’t do it out of fear that you’re somehow contributing to the porn use. The porn use has nothing to do with you and you have to realize that you cannot control it, no matter how much you engage with him. You can’t control what someone else does. It’s scary and vulnerable, but it’s also nice when you learn that it’s really not your fault. (So many people on here already assuming you are to blame or that you can somehow control whether he will watch — and trust me, that’s all not true).
You do need to try to work on intimacy — both physical and emotional (honesty and trust being an important part of that, leading to whatever physical things feel comfortable) — and I think the physical affection will return naturally with time.
Please check out those podcasts! They’re really helpful.
One powerful and scary thing you can do is actually permit him to do it (remember, you can’t control what another person will do anyways). If you permit him to do it, ask for complete honesty, and he really wants to stop, you might see that he will just stop. There is this weird thing that happens when you tell someone they can’t do something and all of a sudden they want to do it every opportunity they are alone or whatever. But if they can do it anytime they want, that urgency and temptation is curbed and they don’t have to do it every time you walk out the door. They might go — yeah I can do it. But not right now. Does that make sense? It’s scary and feels backwards but we just have to give each other agency, expect honesty, exercise forgiveness and do our best.
First off, he's probably the one who needs advice. Many of the answers already given are useful information for you, but they could be life-changing advice for him. Biggest game changers for myself overcoming porn has been understanding addicitons vs habbits, and learning more about triggers or what factors contribute to me messing up. I was viewing porn largely out of boredom and I simply replaced the habbit with games instead. Having a video game "addiction" can also be harmful, but it is a lot less stigmatized and shameful I found it easier to deal with it on my own timeline.
I know it was very difficutl for my wife when she learned of my porn use. It was probably in our 4th year of marriage, we had one child at the time. She said similar things that you are saying here, she "felt betrayed," it was "like she didn't know me," I think she felt very ashamed to be with me for a while. To be honest, we didn't talk all that much about it, I told her one night, she was very upset, a day or two later we had a small discussion, and moved on, but I wish we could have talked more. I wish I could have explained things more to her, but it felt to me like she was too hurt, and couldn't discuss it at all. Even now, years later (about 10 years and 4 kids later) I feel like I want to explain to her more of the nuances, more of the reasons, motivations, thoughts.... but even with our very open relationship, I feel like she is too ashamed of the whole idea of porn to even discuss. Whatever she decided in her mind back then, she decided to stay with me and we've had a very happy and meaningful marriage.
Now I also had a friend in college who got married at 20, discovered that her husband had a very bad porn addiction and got divorced within 2 years. I don't know all of the details of her story, but I just want to illustrate that there are two sides to this story. What happens to you now depends on you and your husband, and how you want to tackle this problem together. It is absolutely a problem that can be overcome and left behind, and depending on the details of your story, it might be a lot of work or a small blip in the road.
I guess my advice to you is don't think of porn as a big scary soul-sucking monster that means automatic spiritual death. It's something that most men deal with to some extent, and many are moving past it just fine. There's lots of complications around shame, and church culture, and the greater world of ethics and morality, but you just need to focus on what matters to you and your family. A little bit of forgiveness goes a long way. Best of luck.
This is heartbreaking to hear. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have some thoughts that may help.
As a preface, I (30s, M) haven't ever intentionally viewed pornography, or lingered on it when it did appear. I'm not saying this to brag - any credit would go to God and to my excellent parents anyway - but so that you know that I don't have any incentives in terms of minimizing the seriousness of pornography. I'm certainly not trying to do so, because it is serious; when not addressed and healed by Christ, it poisons and corrupts everything it touches at a rate and depth few sins can match. But what I feel I should say to you requires what might be misconstrued as minimizing it. I hope you don't see it that way.
I am mostly troubled by how you describe that you view your husband now, and hoping to give you the way forward you requested by offering a better way to view him. First and foremost, though, know that you are not responsible for his choices, or for the initial feelings that they have caused you. It is normal to feel hurt and betrayed, both by his recent pornography usage and his having kept it from you for months. It is normal to feel afraid for what the future might hold. Nothing I am about to say changes any of that. He even knew on some level that his actions would eventually cause you this kind of pain; that is also part of the sin. It's a terrible thing.
It's also not that different from what you and I do to God every time we sin.
We have entered into sacred, covenant relationships with Him, just as your husband has with you. God has invested everything in His relationship with you and with me, including and especially investing emotionally, to the point that His heart breaks much more deeply than we can comprehend when we turn to other sources for fulfillment.
And yet, assuming you haven't overcome all your sins yet, we do turn to other sources, again and again, every single time we sin. We don't quite comprehend how not to sin sometimes, being so steeped in it, but to be blunt we still sometimes sin even when we do know exactly how not to. We repeatedly, inexplicably turn away from and break covenants with a perfectly loving and kind God, even knowing that it hurts him precisely because of the relationship and love He chooses to extend to us. We repeatedly apologize and promise to do better, but it's a long and difficult path even when we're at our best.
If your husband is the kind of man I take him to be, this was not intended to be personal against you or even neglectful of you, any more than your sins are intended to be personal against or neglectful of God. He was not trying to betray you any more than you try to betray God; in fact I would bet that he was trying very hard not to betray you, but sin has a way of muddling our thinking. He found himself in a difficult emotional position, and knew a way to briefly escape it. He also knew there were better ways, but he lacked confidence in those ways. He let fears or insecurities or hormones or whatever cloud his judgment and get the better of him. He made a selfish choice. And then he gave in to shame and fear of the consequences of his actions on you and your relationship, and hid, which makes it nearly impossible to resist the next temptation.
That story is painfully familiar to me, even though I've never messed with pornography. I'm confident it's familiar to you too.
You will need to acknowledge (not bury or ignore) the ugliness of what your husband has done and the pain it brings you, and yet at the same time find not just forgiveness, but deep compassion for him. Come to see yourself as you really are, and learn more about how God deals with your sins and how he sees you. Then learn how God sees your husband, and ask Him to show you how to follow suit. Obey the promptings you receive, however difficult or unrelated they may seem, and don't stop asking and obeying until He teaches you how it's done (a word to the wise: don't stop at that point either). Your bishop can help you with this too. Your husband will need your support to learn confidence in the better, holier methods of dealing with stress, shame, and insecurity, and you will need his support to repent of your own sins and to learn confidence in him despite his failings, and in the pure love of Christ to sustain you.
I wish you the best, and hope you can soon see your husband as he really is.
My experience: I am a temple married man in my early 30s who has a history of viewing pornography for about 20 years. I've relapsed so many times.
It is perfectly okay to feel hurt. It takes so much courage to share your vulnerability with strangers on the internet. While this situation is not a fun one to be in, it is so great that you are able to acknowledge and voice your feelings. Keep an open mind, and don't disregard your feelings or your husband's feelings.
The culture in the church for so many years has vilified pornography viewers. The cultural biases against pornography lead to shameful behavior by pornography viewers. I know exactly how your husband feels. It may have started as a moment of weakness, but the shame of viewing pornography only fuels that fire. Oftentimes, when I feel disconnected from my loved ones, I resort to pornography the most. And the shame wants me to disconnect even further.
I know that it is hard on you, and trust me, it is hard on him too. It might sound absurd or difficult, but in my opinion, the best way to help yourself, your husband, and your relationship is to love, support, and forgive him. By being a loving example to him, he can start to love himself again and, in turn, reciprocate that love to you, regaining that connection that might be missing right now. I think doing service with your husband would be a great way to rebuild that connection with him (I think a temple date night would probably be a good idea, if possible).
I do think that as members of the church, we are still learning to love those who sin despite their sins. Your husband is still a worthy priesthood holder. He is still worthy to enter the temple. He is worthy of the Atonement. Your marriage is still sacred. You are worthy of your husband's love, and he is worthy of yours. Remember to take care of your needs and love yourself. You can get through this - together.
A bit over dramatic in my point of view.
If you asked 100 guys if they look at porn, 50 would say yes and the other 50 would be lying (figuratively). It would probably surprise you how many brothers at church have a dirty little secret regarding this matter. The struggle is real, but being ashamed about it isn’t the answer.
The reaction of feeling hurt and even the thought of leaving someone because of porn usage really gives porn a lot more power than it should have. It would just add to the guilt that leads to sneaking around and having a harder time stopping usage even if the individual wants to. It would be nice to see some other narratives out there that could help spouses and individuals communicate and deal with disagreements or disappointment in this topic. I don't think that this discovery should even make someone consider leaving their spouse, especilaly if the spouse is talking about it and has talked to the bishop. The fact that the mind would go to the thought of leaving might even point to a kind of scrupulosity that could make forgiveness harder for both. That's not to dismiss OP's feelings but just to point out that I hear about this kind of reaction pretty commonly and that it certainly presents itself as a ready reaction women are almost expected to have. Any other issues of abuse of spouse excluded, is it possible thst thinking of leaving someone just because they used porn might actually be worse than using porn?
I’d avoid calling it an addiction. Unless it’s interfering with work and responsibilities, it’s most likely a compulsion.
Respond with love, not anger. What would Jesus do? Forgive him and love him.
Sounds like a better opportunity than ever to love and serve your husband. Giving into the rational temptation to leave your husband over such an issue would not make you so much better. If he says it wasn't wrong then another story. Sounds like he knows it's wrong. Dramatically reacting the way you are likely breeds a good level of distrust within your relationship. As if you're so much better. As if you could possibly deserve the pain associated with that.
I promise this is such an instrumental opportunity to demonstrate your love to your husband. Please work to look through that perspective.
If you didn't really love him so much, perhaps he was subconsciously seeking release this whole time. Perhaps this is just the opportunity you have to escape. Your life is what you choose.
He'll make this or other mistakes in the future. You will make some other mistake to him. This is your relationship journey. Make the most of it.
To defend your husband a bit
I've had my fair share of mistakes but the commitment is to God/wife not indulgence. I hope you understand the feelings or interest is absolutely not bad. Satan seeks to hijack what is otherwise good desire. Hopefully your husband has good healthy sexual appetite. This is good in some sense if you can see it that way.
Unfortunately porn is friggin everywhere. I'm surprised by the amount of easy to access models/porn images on social media. Instagram? Forget it. Doesn't matter how soft core something is its still porn. A normal guy notices and at least thinks further. I'm just justifying the husband. I'm merely describing normal behavior in a modern world that abuses an otherwise healthy physiological arousal. It's so accessible. Imagine a smoker trying to stay clean while walking through a casino. Except that casino is just normal browsing web/media, checking email, browsing netflix or trying a new show.
Imagine hearing about your favorite celebrity relationship then reading about it is a sin. That might seem stupid but for a guy that's the level of temptation/accessibility is available for porn. Oh some hot actress hosted SNL haha. Then social media shows you more and more pictures. What is at first nothing then is suddenly part of an algorithm to jam it in your face. Doesn't help that it feels a little exciting.
I could mention that there may often be a void of intimacy in your relationship but that might hurt you even more in this moment of emotional pain. I don't know you but i hope you consider that when you are able. Not the top level important thing right now. You should simply love your husband and demonstrate commitment. It'll do more than you realize.
Thanks for your comments. I do want to say that although I've had my fair share of moments I'm in too much pain to do anything with him, more and more often he hasn't engaged with me at all, even when I try. I know that porn doesn't help one's drive but makes it worse, so I'd say he probably hasn't had a good appetite for a while.
I think you should mention that in your original post. There is a big difference between occasional or even daily porn use that has little impact on your relationship and someone avoiding intimacy with a preference for looking at porn.
It makes it more clear why you feel betrayed, like he won’t give you the intimacy you are crazing, but he’s spending time getting the feelings elsewhere.
I know it’s a bit difficult, but maybe you should ask him what he watches. Ask him why he likes those things. Most men have some type of preferences.
He could be bored, maybe something has changed from what attracted him before. Maybe he’s stressed and can’t easily get into the moment. There are a ton of issues that he could be ignoring and replacing with porn.
It’s rough, but just maybe you could really help him if you allow him to honest with you. All your behavior is teaching him is to be careful about being honest with you.
There is a reason the savior never asked anyone to go do penance before forgiving them. When people came with a sincere sense of having done wrong, he lifted the burden they felt. If he had chastised them and told them how evil they were, they would not have actually repented.
I am sorry. I expect your husband has not be forthright because he knew the effect it would have on you and on your perceptions of him (as born out by your understandable reaction and current feelings toward him). I expect your husband has been battling this alone for some time with the hope that he could get past it without having to injure you and your feelings toward him. Clearly that hasn't born fruit, so what can be done?
First, I recommend therapy for you both, individually and as a couple. If that's too expensive/time-consuming, I'd start with couple's therapy. Quality and suitability for particular issues among therapists varies widely; don't be afraid to experiment and shop around if the first one doesn't help.
Second, I caution your use of the phrase "[porn addiction](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/porn-addiction)," which we Mormons like to apply to anyone who views porn with any degree of frequency. It's possible your husband is addicted to porn, in that he may use it compulsively even when such use results in severe negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, or financial well-being. But maybe this doesn't describe him. In any case, recognize that, while statistics vary, a majority of men in the developed world [admit to using porn within the past year](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7044607). These are just the ones who admit it. In other words, porn use is very common. We are biologically wired to be attracted to it, and with its easy availability, the reality is that porn viewing is widespread, and your husband is not an anomaly. That's not to say such use is good or optimal, in the same way that we can acknowledge the prevalance of ultraprocessed foods and exploding obesity rates and not suggest that such a reality is optimal or good.
Third, do some reading/listening. I recommend [Addicted to Lust](https://www.amazon.com/Addicted-Lust-Pornography-Conservative-Protestants/dp/0190844213) by Samuel Perry. It is a very accessible but educational read on how porn use impacts people and relationships within conservative Christian communities (he focuses on evangelical churches, but all his insights and findings apply equally to LDS members). One of the takeaways for me is that our attitudes toward porn are as damaging or more than the porn use itself. It's akin to eating junk food: no doubt, junk food is not good for you, but even worse is giving in to the temptation to eat junk food and then hating yourself for it, vowing to never eat junk food again, giving in again and calling yourself a disgusting addict who is worthless and gross. As this pattern repeats, the self-loathing and disgust causes more secrecy and withdrawal, etc. An LDS therapist I recommend for all things related to sexuality is Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. [Here are some podcast episodes](https://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/topic/pornography) related to porn that you might find useful.
I am sorry for the pain your husband's actions have caused you, and I wish you both the best. Ten years ago, my wife and I were where you are. We have both learned to have a healthier, more nuanced attitude toward porn, and our marriage is much better as a result. I promise there are better days ahead if turn toward each other, keep communicating, and work toward establishing a safe relationship where honesty is valued and not punished.
I don’t have good advice on this. The best advice I could come up with is… don’t go to a therapist like Jodi Hildebrandt. Otherwise- if your husband is a kind person and otherwise good to you, maybe just find a great therapist that can help you navigate this.
It will take time but your relationship can heal and become stronger than ever. Keep fighting for what you want and the shock will wear off soon. You'll be able to make this an "us" challenge instead of a "him" challenge and together you can overcome this problem.
The Lord is with you. He is with both of you. Rely on him for your peace and for your husbands strength. You can get through this together.
I'm sorry for 2 things
1. That some of these comments are disrespectful
2. That you are taking this in such a hard way.
Porn is an addiction that is very difficult to overcome. Views on it should always be felt with love and not resent. This can be hard sometimes when you FEEL betrayed. But your not being betrayed. You have the opportunity to show Heavenly Father how much of a caring individual you can be and help your husband through this difficult time in his life. When you made the commitment to marry your spouse you also made the the covenant to lift each other up.
I know this seems like I'm talking at you. And I don't mean it to be this way. If a family member came to you or the whome family woth an addiction, how would you respond? Be upset with them and cut them out of your life? Or do your best to help them? This can be extremely difficult if your are feeling betrayed but know that if your husband approached you he is seeking your forgivness and wanting to work with you through this.
I promise you your marriage will be even stronger when you get through this. Speaking from personal experience and seeing it in friends too.
So, I’m actually a husband going through this same thing, but my wife knows, what’s been helping me is actually giving me affection, showing love towards me in the ways I like.
For example come and sit on my lap, kiss me a little, idk things like that actually helped me forget about the porn and I was able to actually improve, granted I still will slip cause I’m not perfect but it’s way better than it was! Good luck and don’t give up on him, he honestly is probably embarrassed and scared about all of it, just be there for him and show him you care
I would like to share how I stay accountable to my wife, because she was married to a porn user, on top of other things including infidelity, and I had an issue with porn for many years before we got married.
The biggest thing to note here is that he needs to put forth some effort, and it sounds like he is to some degree.
Whenever I do something that might trigger my desire to seek out porn I tell my wife.
This means that if I watch a video about crafting on YouTube, and I realized I only clicked because I thought the person was attractive, I confess that.
If I’m on Reddit and click some suggested sub because the topic was provocative but had nothing to do with my experiences ( as opposed to a post like this one which could be, but personal experience means that I can share useful insight) I tell her.
She knows my phone passwords, computer passwords, and there is a camera in my office pointed straight at my computer screens that she can look at anytime.
She has access to my devices with all my texts and search history. I’ve tried to make sure that we are one, and that I won’t and can’t hide anything from her.
This also was an adjustment for her. When I would tell her that I clicked on something that was a potential trigger, she would feel concerned about her standing with me. She has learned to appreciate that I am open with her about even the little things so that it never becomes big things.
I suggest you let him know porn is something you think isn't good to enjoy, actually a very bad thing for anyone to enjoy watching, while asking him if he really wants it out of his life. And then if he answers appropriately, then ask him if he is okay with you helping him to get it out of his life.
If he just makes excuses and says it really isn't so bad or says anything to suggest he doesn't really want to stop, then I feel you would be justified for not wanting him as your husband. Porn is an evil that should not be acceotable in your home or his office or on his phone or anywhere else, and if he doesn't get that then he not only needs counseling and therapy and a mighty change of heart but also someone else who is willing to put up with him not even acknowledging the evil porn is.
I don't blame you for feeling betrayed, but in my mind, it's more of a disease than anything. Would you feel betrayed if he got cancer? in my mind the two aren’t that different. Different people are born with different weaknesses and temptations. Yes, his agency definitely plays a role, but it might not be entirely his fault that he has a strong proclivity for it or a limited ability to resist the temptation. Generally speaking people do the best they can with the brains they have. I have been working with teenagers who have drug and porn addiction for the past decade of my life. It’s takena long time, but I’ve learned not to be upset when they relapse. Personal growth takes a lifetime. If a person is born with even minor, cognitive setbacks such as ADHD, even if it’s undiagnosed, it can make it substantially harder for them to resist a temptation. that’s not too excuse bad behavior. But rather to acknowledge that they’re likely doing the best they can with the brain they have. right now I’m working with a teenager who is a compulsive, liar and steals things. I used to get super upset with that type of behavior because it’s not something I would ever do. Or other similar things where I wonder why they don’t just stop. But really they’re doing the best they can with the brain they have. The teenager I’m working with right now who compulsively steals and lies. I really believe he’s doing the best he can, he’s trying. But the brain he has just isn’t as good at not stealing and not lying as mine is, that’s not his fault. I do the best I can with the brain I have and my agency, try to support others within the boundaries of not ruining my own mental health,And leave the rest up to the Lord.
I am lucky enough to not have a partner with this addiction, but I have brothers who have all been addicted to porn as teenagers, and while I don't know the whole story, my eldest brother did go back to it after being married.
1: You are not at fault. This has nothing to do with your sex life. Rather, like most addiction relapses, the cause was probably a mixture of higher levels of stress and/or being in a situation where he would have viewed porn as a teenager followed by the guilt of having made the mistake and Satan's favorite lie of "It's too late now."
2: Give yourself space and time to heal. Forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself in a situation to be hurt again and it doesn't mean forgetting what happened. Trust, especially after it's been broken, needs time.
3: Find someone to talk to. This could be a friend or family member who you trust to remain neutral and listen, or there are groups in the church specifically for the spouses of those dealing with a porn addiction. Your bishop would be a good resource to find such a group in your area.
4: Give room in your relationship for your husband to communicate his feelings, his issues, ECT and for you to do the same. This will be difficult, but Satan does his best work in the dark. So pull it all out into the light. Set expectations of 100% honesty. This won't always be pretty, and it's possible and even probable that your husband will have future lapses. But shame and lies will only make it worse.
I hope this helps, and I encourage both you and your husband to look into all the resources the church has to offer. I'm rooting for you both. Also, feel free to DM me if you need a listening ear. The last thing you need is to feel alone.
Poor Guy!!! He must really suffering to having a judgemental wife that sees his addiction/Sin worthy of leaving the marriage. There maybe many reasons why he’s viewing porn but what’s more disturbing is the OP lack of understanding and love towards her husband. Why do women in the church always go for the leaving my husband card when life becomes hard. Try not to be soooo judgmental of others sins and worry about your own and your relationship with God!
I would like to understand how you feel it going behind your back? I sincerely don’t understand your viewpoint. Does it mean that you should know every thought and action even if it doesn’t involve you? Again not accusing, just trying to understand.
How do you view privacy, for example?
Another question, wouldn’t this whole thread be going behind his back? If he found it, even if it’s anonymous, it’s still sharing something that, what seems like from his view, would be highly embarrassing for him? Should he think of divorcing you because of this? I’m just a bit perplexed at how women feel they have been so hurt by it?
I’ve been a Bishop and spoke to many with this problem. Men and Women. It’s really not a big deal. You’re treating him watching porn all wrong. He’s just a dude that sometimes makes mistakes. I’m sure he loves you!! He hasn’t cheated on you!! Your Husband got caught up in the oldest trick in the book. Sex sells. Don’t throw away a good man over a stupid mistake. But if you do than you don’t deserve him and he will be happier elsewhere. Good luck OP
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Really!! Is this what the OP should do in this case? If that happens…..shame, shame, shame! Not Christ like at all. Go and sin no more is all our saviour said to the woman caught in adultery. Maybe we should follow HIS example.
I mean you’re not arguing with me, you’re arguing with Christ. All I did was quote the Bible. The Nee Testament in fact, and quite literally the words of Christ. So I am following his example, notice the “and sin no more”. Following Christ doesn’t mean excusing that sins that you have as a Christian, it means listening to his words and instructions and trying to be better.
Here we have two members of the same faith with different opinions.
One wants Justice.
The other wants Mercy.
Who is right? Neither as they both work together to cleanse the soul.
All I’m trying to say to the OP is to forgive her husband and trust in the repentance process.
There’s a difference between forgiveness and enabling. The words of Christ here are very clear. In order to receive forgiveness, you have to turn away from the sin. Yes, Christ grants Mercy. But in order to receive it, you have to be turning away from the sin. To continue to live in it, is not seeking forgiveness. It’s seeking enablement. And it’s not two members of the same faith with a different opinion. As I stated, those scriptures are the direct words of Jesus Christ.
Well Yes Phantom! Obviously he has to sin on more as he progresses through the repentance process. No one is disputing that. He will, as with all addictions have good and bad days. All Christ has asked us to do, is to love the sinner and to leave the judgment to those who hold the Repentance Keys.
You should go easy on the Fire and Brimstone preaching, as it makes you sound unapproachable. Which I’m guessing is why you want to die on this Justice Hill. When I held the Keys of repentance in my ward I had a picture of Christ on the wall of my office. Each confessing came with its own set of challenges and never the same as the last. I would always look at that picture of Christ and ask myself…what would Christ do!! 9 times out of 10 it was to show Christ like Love. ❤️ not read a Fire and Brimstone passage from the Bible.
Don’t allow the men here to gaslight you. Going behind your spouse’s back to participate in anything contrary to what you promised them in marriage is wrong. Too few men see pornography as cheating, and they would certainly be arguing a different tune if you were the one receiving nudes from people.
As a woman whose marriage DID survive this, here’s the reality of the situation.
1) Divorce being on the table isn’t wrong, you’ve been lied to and honestly getting over that is the hardest part. When he gets better, you’re not going to believe him. And jerks like these will tell you it’s not possible to get better, “all men do it”, etc. this will make rebuilding trust in him 10 times harder.
2) You absolutely CAN be addicted to porn. my husband is diagnosed ADHD and OCD, I think likely the OCD is behind how aggressive his addiction was. Thousands of pictures a day, 5-10 hours a day of pornography usage. Massive fits of anger if I got to close to his phone, screaming that I stole his phone whenever he misplaced it, and physical abuse. Him unlearning these behaviors was a process, it won’t happen overnight, and honestly, if you want to see changes in his behaviors at all, you need to have a backbone of steel.
3) the church offers addiction recovery programs for free. When I talk to my husband about staying, I told him that attending these classes every single week was nonnegotiable. Until I felt like the problem had subsided, missing one for any reason was not optional. I genuinely believe this was the most helpful thing that he did. I’ve noticed that porn tends to be a large problem in LDS circles, not because of the faith, but because of the shame. In hiding, simple porn usage turns to deep addictions. we have very high divorce rates because of this. Being in a circle that ultimately talks about the issue, requires them to step out of the cycle of shame. I cannot recommend them enough.
4) discuss his triggers, one of my husbands was Tiktok. he deleted the app entirely, three years later I offered it back to him and he still doesn’t want it. He also consented to a third-party app placed on his phone, that would alert me if he was looking at anything. I know this is massively helpful for him, because he didn’t have to self restraint to stop himself. Similarly to TikTok, I have offered to take this off of his phone and he rejected the idea.
5) start recognizing the behaviors he displays when falling back into addiction. It’s going to be different for everyone, but I promise once you learn to spot the behaviors you’ll be able to tell if he’s being triggered without him mentioning it.
Getting out of an addiction isn’t as simple as telling someone you love them. It’s not as simple as supporting them through it all. Sometimes that makes an addiction worse. Trust me, a number of my friends and family are alcoholics. Never enable an addiction, expect a plan of action. Always make sure that you are looking out for your current or future children. The way you allow yourself to be treated, will be the way that they allow themselves to be treated. And I promise you they will eventually find a partner that treats the way yours treats you. so yes, absolutely love your spouse. If he is willing to put in the work, and you can get the help that you need in therapy you can absolutely make it work. But if he is not willing to put in the work and he makes excuses, or claims that it can’t be an addiction, and he is giving you your answer. keep your head up, and treat him the way you want to be treated. But expect the same in return.
There is so much great advice here. I just want to highlight this podcast that changed my life. It’s called overcoming pornography for good by Sara Brewer and I feel it can help both you and your husband.
Why would you even consider divorce? Women don't realize how easy it is to look at porn. Stick by his side through thick and thin and don't give up. Ask how you can help and love your husband.
Quit focusing on yourself so much. Your selfishness is the real problem here.
I actually just heard a podcast that might help you. http://www.thisweekinmormons.com/2024/05/cameron-staley-sex-therapist/
He shared really good information. I don't remember all the specifics, but it seemed encouraging.
We just had a stake conference leadership meeting that focused on pornography addiction. Looking back over my notes I see that while the speakers did not cite statistics from the church, they did say that other Christian churches list pornography addiction as high as affecting 70-80% of male members (this could partially be due to different standards of defining "addiction"). However, men are not the only people who can become addicted to pornography.
One of the speakers said that people who suffer from addiction have the best chance of addressing it and overcoming it when they have support from Clergy, Groups, Sponsors, and Therapy.
Those who stand the best chance of maintaining sobriety are those who become sponsors themselves, which comes after a year of sobriety.
Based in definitions of sobriety, it is possible to be worthy to hold callings in the church, have a temple recommend, and attend the temple without being "sober". The main factor being that repentance and sobriety do not have synonymous definitions.
Perhaps most importantly, they stressed that the more we can do to do away with shame and encourage discussions about pornography addiction, the better families and ward families will be. And we will be able to avoid circumstances where someone is addicted for years without giving any indication that they are struggling.
As a man who kicked this demon out of my life and focused back in my wife I have some real experience here.
As a man who need to feel loved and wanted, when I didn't FEEL wanted, I turned to the Instagram girl option. The unclean spirits in the world plane are tempters and make us believe half truths.
You need to be more supportive of him and his daily needs to feel loved by you and ask him to save himself for you.
Plan out a schedule for intimacy at first and forgive him as the father forgives you of your trespasses.
Once this gets started he must realize its an EVIL spirit that is after him and he must consciously avoid it like the plague.
It's hard to talk about but this demon was pulled out of me by God/the holy spirit because I am and your husband is a child of God. The demons have already lost, he needs to quote scripture whenever he feels the lies start/aka temptation.
I hope this helps, the more you talk about it the better, pornography is destroying our relationships and realize marriage is an example for us like we are the bride of Christ. Don't give up on him easily because that is the other evil spirit that will trick YOU at the same time into thinking you should get out! Beware.
The evil is after you both because you are good people and harder to "get".
Show him love and be the wife he needs.
God bless you.
I've been battling with this struggle long before I got married. In fact, on the day I officially committed to the woman who is now my wife, I disclosed my battle to her. I even offered her an opportunity to back out before our relationship became public. However, she assured me that as long as I'm fighting it, she's right there beside me. Having her support has been truly incredible. He must understand the importance of being completely honest with you. It's difficult for me to admit when I've faltered, but keeping it a secret only perpetuates the shame cycle, leading to a return to old behaviors. Confession breaks this cycle. Hopefully, he will reach a point where he feels comfortable confessing when he's tempted or finds himself in a challenging situation. Having a small accountability group could make a significant difference for him. I have a group of two other guys whom I check in with every day. A brief message assuring everyone that things are going well is all it takes. Also, please understand that his struggle has nothing to do with you. A spouse's love can help break the cycle of shame, but you can't bear the burden of "fixing" him.
There's nothing wrong with a little adult time and a few props. But if he's doing all night and day, then you should get him help. If he's 100 percent honest, try watching some with him.
I have felt the pain your speaking to, I’m so so sorry.
What did we do? It took a lot of work, and a few years to really change our perspective.
Today porn is not threat, we still talk about it openly but i no longer expect him to not view porn and the same rules apply to me. The messaging around this topic coming from the church is maybe trying to be helpful, but through our experience it felt more harmful.
It made us paranoid, it brought on shame and so much stereotypes that really didn’t fit either of us.. and most of all so. Much. Shame. That was more harmful to our marriage than anything.
I’m not denying that this can be a real issue but i think In most cases it’s just something new and exciting.
There’s a space where we can just accept that we have not only a sexual relationship with our partners but ourselves too.
As someone who suffered with pornography addiction for over 40 years, I feel qualified to weigh in.
There is a reason why the general authorities have called porn a pernicious evil. I think it’s been referenced at least once every general conference for the past 10 years.
It’s one of the most potent tools the adversary uses.
If you feel he has an addiction, and by your title it sounds like you do, I highly suggest having him attend the church’s addiction recovery program. I’ve been the facilitator for my area’s group, and it’s a wonderful program!
In fact, I think everyone can benefit from it, we like to call it “atonement 101”. It can help people with a lot of challenges they face. 😀
As a man who has struggled with porn for most of his life, I hope you believe me when I say the rollercoaster of anguish is just beginning. You will hate him. You will hate yourself for caring about him. You will hate God for bringing you together. You will probably hate everything that reminds you of him at some point.
Take time to grieve. Take time to process what is going on. When you feel like you are overwhelmed, get help.
Now for the harder part: Your husband likely has a lot of things that he will need to figure out in his life. This is normal. I would highly suggest him getting help from groups or professional therapy (or both). There are a lot of resources that can help you online, some that I would recommend include:
the church's addiction recovery program ( [addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org](http://addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org) ) they have meetings and groups specifically for addicts as well as healing family members.
Unashamed Unafraid ( [https://unashamedunafraid.com/](https://unashamedunafraid.com/) ) which is a faith centered online resource specifically for sexual healing through the atonement of Christ. They have online forums, podcasts, and some connections that will help you find a good therapist.
Life Changing Services (https://www.lifechangingservices.org ) which is an LDS specific group of folks specializing in helping families recover from individuals acting outside their values. This also includes resources such as individual or group therapy for individuals, spouses, and parents. Many of the groups include people from all over the US, and I believe they are gaining footing in other countries.
You are just getting started on your journey of healing. Please, do not try to do it alone. Let Christ bring you peace while you are enduring the unthinkable.
Sister, I’m sorry for your hurt. I do believe part of your pain is justified because of the evils of pornography, and part of your pain comes from unrealistic expectations.
Pornography is a sin and that has not and will not change. However, it is also the burden that men carry and work against every day. If you left him to find someone that doesn’t indulge at all, you’ll be single your whole life. Consider pornography to be their version of how we woman behave poorly with PMS or pregnancy. It’s behavior that is sinful and needs to be fought against, but it is extremely difficult because it is hormone based and goes against what our logical brain tells us to do. Men have powerful hormones that try and drive the vehicle of their behavior too.
Offer to help. Ask what you can do. He can be accountable to you, if he wants to. But also if he comes to you every time he indulges, you’re going to create an impossible dynamic to get over. He’ll always feel lesser than you and that he owes you for staying with his unworthy self, because he’s fallen and you’re not. Your sex life waste away which means romance will.
Bishops don’t tell men who look at porn to stay out of the temple, they tell them to go more. They don’t stop them from taking the sacrament or remove them from callings. They don’t tell them not to give blessings to their family. Which means they are not unworthy.
My advice is to forgive now and tell him you forgive him for every time he screws up unless it becomes a dark and evil thing like watching rape or pedophilia. Ask him what role he’d like you to play in keeping his relationship with Jesus strong but don’t force your way into it. You certainly wouldn’t want him to force his way into any of your sins you struggle with just to micromanage, act damaged and betrayed every time you fail. Don’t make it what it isn’t, and work on humility in yourself
I’ve been addicted to porn (42 F) I stopped. Then my husband (52 M) started using it because he got ED.
We talked about boundaries and I made it clear it has to stop. We started other methods and meds he only needed temporarily because with prayer it wasn’t needed anymore.
It’s been 5 years since and he and I are thriving in our marriage.
Porn ruins the way we see our partners during intimacy.
It’s cheating. It causes our spouses to compare themselves and us to unrealistic expectations.
He may need help thru addiction resources because it definitely sounds like a coping mechanism that he is using to get self gratification. He’s lacking coping mechanisms.
He needs to find something else to do other than watching porn. There’s only one reason to watch porn and that is so you can get self gratification. Any other excuse he gives you is lame. Please do not accept that.
You can stop if you really want to because I had a problem most of my life with it and I finally said I am no longer going to be a slave to this.
If you and him can come to an agreement that he not watch porn and he can stay off of it for one week give him a pat on the back help him feel secure in your marriage. Feeling secure makes you happy because if you’re not being affectionate, he’s gonna go use it because he’s looking for something to fulfill him, but he needs to be fulfilled in himself/Jesus and he needs counseling for that. So I would definitely look into addiction resources that have to do with masturbation and things of that nature. I used resources like that, and I learned that I was very codependent and I had to learn how to pick up healthier coping mechanisms, which I now have.
Best of luck.
Addiction is hard. Been there for almost 30 years. Honesty is the best thing. We came up with a system. It was hard for me to let her know where I was at. If I had a relapse or just lingered too long looking at something in the checkout line at the grocery storyle or not. We used a % system. 100% meant all good no issues. 90% could mean feeling triggered or a double take at a magazine rack etc. the important part was that it started dialogue for us and I wasn't just springing it on her. She would ask when she was ready and not in the middle of something. This worked for us. We still use it even though the dark days of fighting the addiction are past. How I overcame it was with the help of my wife and Bishop and 12 step program. She went too as did I as she needed support in different ways then what I did. You are not alone. And his addiction has nothing to do with you nothing. I know that's hard to hear and also accept. But you are his life line right now. I would meet with a Bishop weekly if needs be. Change is hard and at times hurts. I went without all forms of entertainment and computer use for over 8 months and listened to conference talks whenever I was alone or working on projects. I hated it at first and at times felt like I was drowning in the church talks. I love them now. You got this. You have your own healing process as does he but you can both definitely support each other. Keep God in the equation or you'll be another statistical broken marriage. And it is not all on you. He has to take responsibility. I've been clean for 8 years now. It can be done!
My husband struggles with this.
My number one piece of advice is to really recognize that this problem has nothing to do with you. It's not happening because he doesn't love you. It's not because you're not good enough. It's an all-him problem. This is helpful because then you can start to be a pillar. When you're going through something hard, he can support you because it's not something that has such huge levels of hurt and shame attached. Remove the hurt, remove the shame. Face the problem with empathy, encourage him to talk to you about when he is struggling and why. He might not want to tell you when he is going through relapses because he doesn't want you to be hurt or take it personally and feel betrayed. So then he hides it, and when you do find it, you feel even more betrayed. Communication and connection are key to helping combat pornography use.
One time I was feeling so angry and hurt after an "episode." I felt sick and betrayed. I felt like I could not get over it.
Then, in my mind -- my husband was sitting across the room from me, just looking so broken sitting there -- it was as if the Savior stood between me and him. And He said to me, "Forgive me instead. Be angry at me. Because I've already paid the price for this problem. It's my problem now." And I felt my heart soften and now, when my husband tells me he is struggling, my first reaction is concern for his well-being and concern for the pain he experiences.
He installed ever accountable on his phone, and I get notifcations when he has a slip. But those are mostly for him to check himself, and I will ask him if he's doing okay and what will help him get to a better headspace.
First of all, you are brave for seeking help; know that his choices aren't your fault. Secondly, you made the decision to stay. Why? What were your reasons? Is it because your love him, feel sympathy for his situation, empathy for his plight? Examine your motivations and see how balanced they are with Gospel principles. We are taught to be forgiving, but you are eligible to recieve revelation to determine your own path. If you act according to the prompting of the Spirit, you wont go wrong. You just have to make darn sure they are from the Spirit. Sometimes when we want something, it feels good. We should and do feel good when we go to the temple. If we, for example, go to the temple seeking confirmation of a thing that we already want and desire, it's hard to distinguish between our own feelings, the Spirit of the temple environment and the actual prompting of the Holy Ghost. Perhaps this is why Moroni's promise asks us to seek the contrarian position: "and when ye shall recieve these things, I would that ye should ask God if these things are NOT true...". If we desire something with real intent and full purpose of heart - meaning we will act on it regardless of our own desires - and then we go to God and ask if it isn't true, it's the same as saying, "Lord, I want this, but am willing to accept your not wanting me to have this...". Then the Spirit will manifest its truthfulness unto [us] by the power of the Holy Ghost.
Verrrry interesting advice here so far....
As a man, some thoughts from my perspective:
1. It's not about you. He wants you.
2. It's a huge coping mechanism for men. One of the many idols we look to for salvation before the true God. It never satisfies and demands more and more until it destroys you.
3. It's not OK. Obviously it hurts your feelings and can destroy your relationship. Contrary to some comments here, I think the church is correct in condemning it.
4. I understand the contrary opinion, but I do think it's an addiction. I'm addicted to Reddit, Ice Cream, and many other things to cope with discomfort.
Something to understand about the nature of men:
We have massive inherent shame related to caring for our family. We feel like failures VERY easily and spiral out of control quickly. Conversation is not as effective as an outlet. One coping mechanism that women hate is withdrawal. Another is sexual gratification. Men should 'man up' and grow more reliant on God, but it's difficult and goes through waves of success and failure. It's a life-long journey.
You deserve to be distant from your husband for this. You deserve to be hurt. He needs to regain trust. BUT, the more he feels like a failure, the harder it will be for him to fight. So I recommend sensitivity in your withdrawal. The more you can show sympathetic understanding WHILE you're feeling hurt, the better he'll do. He's probably a really good guy struggling with completely natural challenges.
A word of advice to your husband.
1. Recognize when you're feeling man-shame and be more conscious about how you cope with it.
2. Find positive coping mechanisms to replace the negative ones. Exercise and gospel study are #1. Hobbies. Time to yourself. Don't try to be the hero to the point of exhaustion.
3. Learn to hear your wife's frustrations without thinking she's criticizing you. If she says you're breathing to loud, she's just saying she's completely overwhelmed with life and needs your understanding.
4. If you don't truly have a handle on this, find someone (probably not your wife) to hold you accountable in the moments/places you mess up. text them EVERY time you're in a vulnerable spot before and after to keep you accountable.
From a wife who’s been going through this for the last four years, this is great advice! Porn is definitely a coping mechanism the way eating your feelings can be. But it’s a bit more destructive overall.
One thing that helps my husband is exercising regularly. He gets depressed sometimes and if he has low self-esteem, he’s more likely to look to porn for that easy validation and mood booster.
And having him talk to someone besides you is also great advice. Honesty is sooo important but sometimes it can be a lot.
Pornography is a formidable adversary in the battle of personal struggles. Despite this, your pain is valid and you have every right to feel the way you do. Betrayal from a spouse with adulterous habits is a difficult challenge to face, much like the battle against pornography. I was first exposed to pornography as a young teenager and spent over a decade consuming it, becoming dependent and addicted. By dependence, I mean using it as a coping mechanism when faced with anger, sadness, loneliness, or other hardships. My girlfriend, now wife, discovered my habit and stood by me, offering support. Even at 35 years old, I continue to struggle with this addiction. Pornography is one of the adversary's most effective traps, designed to cause the downfall of individuals and break up families. It ensnares both men and women, holding them captive. If you care for someone struggling with pornography, imagine them as chained, trapped, and ensnared by this destructive habit.
Acknowledging that I have taken advantage of my spouse over the years, with occasional lapses justified by my addiction, I realize now that this mindset is dangerous and contributes to the problem. When caught again, I witnessed the pain, frustration, sadness, and disappointment in my partner's eyes as she tried to free me from my bondage. I understood that neither she nor I could make progress until I accepted accountability. It is crucial to hold him responsible and become his accountability partner. Understanding the intensity of this battle, I urge you to fight for your husband, as Satan has him ensnared. Safeguard your marriage and nurturing bond by offering support. Simultaneously, exercise caution, vigilance, and seek discernment. If he is not actively striving alongside you, both of you may be swept away by the overwhelming currents.
He will drown in his addiction and you will drown trying to save him. Resulting in a lost marriage. Porn is a drug and millions are addicted. I would say that healing is possible BUT only with honesty, commitment and hard from the both of you. I know you didn’t ask for this, just like my wife didn’t. It’s his battle to conquer and He’s going to need all the help he can get. But imo the two best things to have in your corner is #2, A Loving, supporting wife, and #1 the Mighty Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the Breaker of Chains. Without him at center of this issue, it will be nearly impossible. I’m hoping and praying for you guys. My love to you guys.
PS
There is a member of the church who specializes in this. You can google “Like dragons did they fight” by Maurice W Harker. He specializes in Pornography for all but especially Members of the Church and uses BOM scripture.
Put your shoulder to the wheel; Push along!
I wish I had seen this earlier. Anyway, as the husband who used porn for 20+ years, quit, and is still happily married, here are a few thoughts that might help:
1. Your feelings are real and valid. He has betrayed your trust in a very personal and devastating way. It probably wasn't intentional, but it's still real. It is fine to feel betrayed, disgusted, hurt, and/or angry.
2. Your husband's porn use has nothing to do with you. He used before you were married, and has probably used regularly since you got married. It's a him problem, not a you problem.
3. His use is probably a coping mechanism he built into his life to deal with stress, anxiety, or other strong emotions. It's not about sex, it's about trying to feel better or rmdeal with strong emotions.
4. It's okay to set boundaries and expectations. When my wife caught me, she told me to either get help, or she was leaving with the kids. She didn't want to be my accountability partner, or know anything about my recovery process, other than when I had to become where and that I was actively working to quit. He needs boundaries, and actual consequences, to help facilitate change.
5. You can't do it alone. He'll need external accountability for a while, and someone he can confide in; a friend, a priesthood leader, a support group, a family member. You'll need support, too. Don't try to navigate this alone.
6. The process takes time. It took me about 5 years to quit. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Have patience.
Best of luck.
Any time I see a simple explanation for an addiction, I don’t buy it. You might be simplifying for our sake, but there’s basically always emotional trauma and often other kinds as well. Not feeling confident doesn’t come from nowhere, and a good therapist should be able to help get to some of the emotional issues at the root of this. Sin comes from a place of deep unmet needs, and the need is not sex.
Okay I'll be the bad cop. It's uncomfortable truth time, for many in this thread. You want to fix his porn problem? Assuming this is your average good guy, YOU need to become his porn. A majority of modern women have no idea what it's like to be a man, or how to take care of HIS needs. They don't care. Generations of ideological indoctrination has seen to that. Your biological process hits once a month? Ours hits near daily. Couple that with the last 3+ generations eradicating masculinity/emasculating men with negative daily reminders of things like "men only think about one thing", and you have a perfect storm of shame and the most predictable outcome. Women marry men they're not TRULY attracted to. They get with the "nice guy" for security, the ones that were taught their masculinity/biological urges are gross and they need to "sit down and shut up". Men get sexually trapped with women who barely take care of their needs. You want to see porn use plummet? Step up ladies and do your wifely duty. More importantly, learn and empathize how important a duty it is, because it's worse if you fake it. You feel betrayed? Imagine marrying and then finding out your wife says she loves you, but she'll rarely actually show it in the way that you biologically NEED it. And you want to be good, so you don't cheat. Porn is the only true release, and that's incredibly sad. Ignore what your husband says, he's been conditioned his entire life, just like you have. His body NEEDS it. His love language... is sex. Don't like it? Well he doesn't like going to work every day to provide. But he does it. Match his effort. I'll take my ignorant downvotes now, but hopefully at least a few of you will be like Alma listening to Abinadi, and the change can ripple. Stop screwing your man... and start screwing your man. If you aren't having sex often, then you're roommates, not spouses.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk76BzL4sxM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk76BzL4sxM) (part of a larger video)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImoTmr2bmp4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImoTmr2bmp4) (part of an excellent marriage book)
My heart goes out to you, anonymous! I have been married 8 years. I found pornography on my husband's phone about 3 months after we were married. We are still married, and we are quite happy! It will take me way too long to describe the initial devastation I felt and everything that's happened since then. I will just summarize a few things - 1. This problem is just starting for you, but it has been a problem for your husband for a long time. I would go so far to say that he has probably looked at pornography off and on since he was a teenager, which means many times throughout your marriage. I'm sorry to say that this will likely be a long term issue and something he will struggle with for most of his life. 2. The ongoing shame and guilt that your husband probably feels regarding pornography is, imo, more complex than the actual pornography itself. You might find comfort in going to addiction recovering meetings or support meetings for wives, but my husband and I didn't. Personally, I am a bit wary of labeling any person's pornography habits as "addictive." Looking at pornography does not automatically equate with addiction, and neither your husband, your bishop, or the addiction recovery missionaries are qualified to diagnose an addiction. For me, it was much more helpful to understand my husband's interest in pornography as a poor coping mechanism (which I think is more accurate) for stress and other negative feelings. 3. My life changed radically when I stopped taking my husband's pornography use personally. I spent so many sleepless nights feeling angry, hurt, afraid, unloved, and as you also said, betrayed - but the person my husband is truly accountable to is God, not me. It is valid to feel how you feel, but I would not recommend staying in that mindset. Research over and over confirms that men do not look at pornography because they are dissatisfied with their sex life or their partner. Our brains our wired to respond pleasurably to sexually explicit stimuli like pornography. That's it. And we are all subject to certain temptations in the flesh - in the end, all sin separates us from God, whether it's pornography, pride, dishonesty, etc. Church culture often suggests because pornography is sexually explicit, looking at it is a sexual sin and therefore only one step short of murder. I do not agree with that attitude, and pornography use is not correlated with infidelity. 4. We tried many ways of being accountable - downloading software that blocked certain websites, exchanging passwords, history check ups, etc. In my experience, these did not really work. I got stuck for years obsessing over my husband's media use and constantly scrutinizing his behavior. It was really unhealthy for me and often just unproductive. There are always ways around that stuff! Eventually we settled on software that blocked certain websites, but I didn't check up on it. It was just there to help my husband stop for a minute and think about his choices. About 2 years ago we took that off of his computer too. It took many years, but what helped most was when I turned my heart and grief to the Savior. Then I could actually listen to my husband with love. We felt that regular and open discussions about how my husband was feeling tempted, how he reacted, etc. were the best way to connect and face the problem together. About three years ago I finally reached a point where he could tell me that he slipped up again, and I could listen without crying or getting angry. Then, finally, my husband felt safe enough to cry and share how ashamed and disgusting he felt. And that moment helped me see that this burden is my husbands and God's. Not mine. I know I've written too much already, but I would just say that you sound like you love your husband - I imagine the depth of pain you feel is because you thought so highly of him and your marriage beforehand. Spend some time with your husband - you will see that he his still that same person you love, still your best friend. Know that all things can and will be made right through the atonement of Christ. The best thing we can do for others is to reflect His pure love.
This is a GREAT comment, with a lot of valuable points!
“Poor coping mechanism for stress and other negative feelings” is my experience, too.
Thanks for your comment. It's truly inspiring how far the both of you have come.
This is the best comment on this thread! OP, read this one!
This should be the top comment, everyone else is saying the same thing but in rude ways
This is the best response I’ve ever read about the subject. Thank you for taking the time to share that.
This is fantastic.
WOW!!! Such a beautiful comment thank you!
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I agree and disagree with some of your points and sentiment. The LDS church’s puritan views need to continue to soften and the shame produced for many just leads to more issues. Overcoming shame with things like porn is usually one of the first steps to separating from it. At the same time, porn complicating and destroying relationships is not unique to the LDS faith or religion. I practiced as a therapist for many years, it goes far beyond religion. Many women also struggle with porn addiction, it’s not unique to men or testosterone. OP is also valid to feel betrayed here, it was a breach of her trust, even if you don’t see porn as inherently bad. He was knowingly doing something behind her back and hiding it, that’s not good for relationships.
As a professional therapist, are you aware that the American psychiatric Association does not consider pornography addiction to be a real thing? It would be a bummer if professionals were out there telling people that. if that’s what they wanna call it themselves, because it is drastically impacting their quality of life, that’s one thing. But professional therapist should not be labeling with that if they want to follow APA guidelines.
You’re right on the technicalities and it was of course never anything I’d diagnose or label, just using the term from OP. We can say problematic pornography viewing instead or getting into ICD’s and the point still holds, though. I’m interested to see if it ends up being diagnosable or not in the long run. I hope to get back to therapy part time in retirement but just didn’t have it in me to build my own practice and couldn’t make enough in public practice
Thanks for giving me even more proof that the APA is a joke
I mean, I’m sure it’s not perfect but it’s definitely a group of people who are data driven. The DSM is based on data. It’s a professional association, and while it’s true that there are plenty of quack therapists, there are also many good ones. I would also mention that the APA is focused on psychology, not simply therapy or counseling. Psychology is more data focused than “counseling” which is a broader term that can include a variety of professional licenses and certifications. I’m not sure what exactly lead you to believe that it is a joke, but it’s probably helpful to be a little bit more specific if you’re going to discuss it with other people, since it’s not super clear what exactly you are referring to.
They’re highly politicized and more agenda driven than science driven. Absolute joke of an organization
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I was the person trying to say that politics has nothing to do with this, and I didn’t say any narratives about the church. I’m the one saying politics have nothing to do with this conversation. Personally, I don’t think that treatment of LGBTQ people is even politics, it’s just basic human decency. I don’t get why this guy gets to just call everything political when he means he doesn’t like it, and the voice of reason is the person getting deleted. I’m literally the one saying I’m open to learning new things, and asking for constructive conversation in the face of griping.
I disagree with some of what you wrote but agree with the overall sentiment. I think I don’t like how you wrote about taking your kids out of Church. But I think I agree with the rest of what you wrote. Upvote here.
>I really struggle to see how anyone can put watching porn on the same level as infidelity I have never once seen anyone in the church put porn at the same level as infidelity. The main reason the church is against porn is not because it's a serious sin, but because it can lead to serious sins. Porn destroys lots of families in and out of the church.
It appears OP is. She's talking about leaving like he had an affair.
That's a pretty extreme reaction to be sure. I'm pretty confident that 99% of human beings view some form of pornography during their lives. I would also suggest that if he's reaching for pornography lately, there may be a lack of physical or emotional intimacy in the relationship.
That isn’t the underlying reason. It might be an underlying excuse.
What's the underlying reason?
The idea that lack of intimacy with his wife is the reason is void of any semblance of his agency. We are not deterministic animals simply responding to external stimulus. We make choices. It’s not her fault that he can’t control himself. Often, the lack of intimacy in these situations (if it has even been an issue in this situation) comes as a result of the porn users withdrawal of intimacy, not the spouses. There are also people who don’t have a spouse to be intimate with, they are just as accountable for their actions and expected to abstain from pornography. There are many who do so. It wasn’t that long ago that a man really had to go out of his way to get to porn. For the majority of human history, porn use wasn’t even possible for most people. While there might be some correlation, it is NOT the primary causation.
Obviously it's a choice. No one said it wasn't. But it's not a "out of the blue" choice with no rhyme nor reason.
It’s not a matter of “out of the blue” it’s a matter of putting the onus on her and her supposed lack of intimacy. Even if she has withdrawn intimacy, that’s unlikely to be “out of the blue” too. Regardless of her choices, he can and should make his own, and while some of her choices might make it more difficult, the choice to weaken the fidelity of their marriage to look at porn is on him, just like the choice to weaken his connection with the Holy Spirit by looking at porn. That’s not Gods fault for not witnessing to him more often. He is an agent unto himself.
There are root causes to all problems in a relationship and saying that it's okay for a member of a couple to ignore their own role in a problem because in the end they each are their own agents also takes away the ability of the couple to acknowledge and overcome problems. I don't care if it's porn or fighting or any other relationship issue. If my wife cheats on me, that was her choice but it definitely doesn't mean I'm guiltless and 100% of the blame lies with her. Fixing that means I have to understand and change my part of that.
Any explanation you try to come up can be healthy or unhealthy. If you try to explain it using external stimuli, it isn't healthy, it's just an excuse. That's true of anything, not just porn: the way you react to things always has a personal choice somewhere at the head of the chain of reasons why it happened, one that's in your control. Finding that choice and learning to change it is the key to agency.
🙏🏼
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Good point...
I think it makes sense for her to think so because he’s looking at other women. Jesus did say that lusting with your eyes happens before the action of lusting in person. While not necessarily as serious a cheating, I can see why OP would feel betrayed and ultimately I hope everything works out for the both of them!
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Lots of things can lead to serious sins. Pornography usage does not correlate with infidelity. It just doesn’t. There’s no statistics to back that up. maybe I’m wrong, and I would be really open to learning more about it if I am. But I don’t believe that there are any reliable studies that show that people who consume pornography are more likely to cheat on their partner. I’m not advocating for church doctrine to change, and I’m not advocating for people to use or to not use it. But I think this idea that something can lead to sin is a little bit strange. Lots of things can lead to sin. Why is it that the church focus is so heavily on this one? I don’t really get it myself. If it’s not a sin on its own, why is the church allowing families to feel this much distress. There are many psychological studies that have shown that it can actually be psychologically beneficial to masturbate on a regular basis. Couples can do it together. It can make people closer. It can actually strengthen relationships. It could also harm them. But this specific laser focus on porn viewing within monogamous marriage feels bizarre to me. The amount of distress this is causing OP could easily be avoided if she wasn’t terrified of this leading to something worse. But there’s not data to support the idea that it would lead to something worse. And so suddenly that distress becomes unnecessary, and seeing good people in pain like this bothers me.
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Yes, I really think that’s true. People who have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality, tend to be less likely to feel the need to lie and sneak around. And if he knew that she was going to freak out, I can understand why he felt the need to lie to her. It doesn’t seem like she’s capable of having a reasonable conversation about this.
The church’s views on masturbation is unreasonable, I agree with that. Porn is something else entirely. And not just for the reasons you might think. It is an industry that is extremely hard on the people who take part. A lot of people get trafficked into it, and mistreated. You aren’t even safe with amateur stuff, since it can be revenge porn or recorded without permission. Even Only Fans has had a people who were manipulated or forced into it. I don’t want to consume something with so much potential for harm. By all means, take some personal time to relieve yourself. But be open and honest with your spouse, don’t sneak around. Fantasizing about your spouse is best. You want to be with them, I hope, it’s just not practical right then. Maybe read some erotica or watch hentai if you need it, though those have their own problems with being grossly unrealistic. And if you have to force it, maybe it should wait until later, until you can be aroused by thinking of your spouse. But do whatever you can to cause harm to none
While it’s true that in professional porn, there are definitely some potential problems in terms of agency and safety, half of porn hub is just Home videos made by couples. So it’s very easy to find porn made by people who absolutely have agency and safety. So I just don’t think that argument can be made about porn in general. I do agree that it should feel important to look at materials that do not result in the creators being harmed in any way. This conversation is so funny because I don’t consider myself to be a porn advocate lol. I just hate to see people in terrible pain when they don’t hav to be.
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>I feel like such a sucker for staying as well. I don't want to criticize your feelings or excuse any of your husband's behavior. I do think it worth sharing that in my observation very, very few have decided to get divorced straightway after finding out about porn use by their partner. I think it is most common to try to stay together as they work through their issues. I don't think many would think of you as a 'sucker' for staying thus far given the details you've shared. That doesn't make it easy, but don't be too hard on yourself.
Thanks. I really needed what you had to say.
Word of advice... don't take it so personal because it's actually not about you. And just because someone watches porn, it does not mean they are addicted. And porn is not anywhere near the level of cheating, so idk if I would call it betraying your trust. So now that those things are established, I'd say instead of making it about "betraying your trust" tell him that you just wish he was more open and honest about it with you. Try to listen to his point of view and figure out exactly why he's been doing it, because it could be for a variety of reasons. Stay humble and remember that you don't know what it's like to want to watch porn, and it is not a sign of him not loving you.
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Exactly, although I can't really blame her for her point of view, I used to think about it the same way. But.... then I grew up haha
>I now have such a hard time even wanting to look at him or give him any affection. I feel like such a sucker for staying as well. I don't know the whole situation, but from what I've read, this will make the situation worse, not better. If you draw away from him, he's going to fall deeper into pornography and simply learn to hide it from you. To quote D&C, reprove betimes with sharpness, then show an increase in love. I say the above though with the assumption he wants to stop viewing pornography and has simply relapsed on it.
He does indeed want to stop. Thank you. Do you remember which scripture that is? I'd like to take a look at it.
D&C 121:43
Thank you
And note that sharpness here means clarity - not harshness. I’m not sure any disapproval is going to help him tbh. Love, understanding and forgiveness, plus genuine and deep intimacy (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual), likely will. Porn is just counterfeit intimacy.
I’m going to give you an outsiders view. The odds your husband is addicted to porn are near 0. Addiction is compulsively doing something while your life falls apart (missing work, not paying bills, not helping raise the kids, etc). Unless he closed off in a dark room watching porn 10 hours a day, he’s not addicted, he’s just a man with natural urges. Slapping the label of “addiction” on someone who occasionally looks at porn is so damaging it’s actually disgusting. Making them go to addiction recovery groups when not truly addicted makes it even worse. It’s nothing more than a negative feedback loop of shame. Why? B/c the urge to look at porn will never go away as long as testosterone is pumping through his veins.
💯!!! Unfortunately, many in the church are shamed because they have looked at it and are labeled an "addict". So damaging. Many wives feel betrayed like their husband literally cheated on them. Leaders in the church have backed off recently and that's been helping. But the stigma is still there.
To be fair, I didn’t convert (or even attend any type of church) until I was in my mid 20s & I wasn’t raised religious. But the idea / knowledge that my partners were watching porn has always made me feel uncomfortable. Watching it has also always made me feel yucky and ashamed. I was told by everyone I was friends with & society in general that there is nothing wrong with porn. My dad even had playboys in our business bathroom growing up. So I literally had no reason to feel uncomfortable about myself or my partners watching or looking at porn. Regardless, I always did feel uncomfortable. So I was relieved when I finally met a man who didn’t support watching it. I would definitely be hurt if I found out he was watching it… and that’s not because I’ve joined the church. Also blaming it on testosterone is such an easy out. Everyone has sexual urges, not just men. It’s about self control. If this couple had the mutual agreement of not doing something (be it watching porn or something else) & one of them does it, then it is a violation of the other partners trust. If you want to watch porn just own it instead of making up bogus excuses lol
He's probably not addicted.
If he hasn't watched porn since he was a teenager, he's DEFINITELY not addicted. Just going through a rough patch and messed up.
Sister my heart hurts for you, it’s completely understandable to feel betrayed as that’s how we as women have been taught to feel growing up when taught about the usage of pornography. Porn *is* harmful to the human psyche and can damage relationships, but the way we’ve approached this issue previously has often done more harm than good, both in terms of mental health and actually fixing the issue. First, please know that very few people can truly be classified as having a porn addiction. Your husband most likely isn’t one of them. It’s not helpful to you nor your spouse to call this an addiction. Dr. David Ley, a psychologist specializing in sexuality, states, "The 'addiction' model is not only scientifically inaccurate, but it also creates a sense of hopelessness and shame that can actually make it harder for people to overcome problematic behaviors." I like how Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (a LDS Marriage and Sexuality therapist) reframes it as “unwanted pornography use”. It’s a much less emotionally charged label than addiction and puts power and accountability back into your husband’s hands. You’d be amazed at how healing it can be just to reframe your thinking on this, for you, your husband, and your relationship. I know this reframing might feel challenging at first, but I encourage you to give it a try. When we focus on understanding the underlying reasons for unwanted pornography use, we open the door to compassion and healing. It's important to remember that your husband has agency and is ultimately responsible for his choices. However, your love, support, and understanding can play a crucial role in his journey towards overcoming this challenge. If you're open to exploring this further, I highly recommend checking out the work of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She offers insightful perspectives and practical tools for navigating these issues within a faith-based context. Here’s a [podcast episode](https://finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/post/challenge-pornography-marriage) on the topic. I think you and your husband could both benefit from giving it a listen. Please know that you're not alone in this. Many couples have been where you are now and have come out stronger in the end. There is hope and healing available, both for your husband and for your marriage. I truly believe that with prayer, communication, and the right tools, you can both find healing and strengthen your relationship.
Upvoted for the Dr. JFF mention--she's great. I love her podcast!!
A compassionate, informed, and encouraging comment. Well said and thank you!
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I think this comment is going way too far. “What he did was not ok”? That’s so shaming and that’s the problem.
Are you saying that what he did was okay?
What if I said I think it is normal and ok? IMHO. He doesn’t love his wife any less. He couldn’t pick out the female in a line up if his life depended on it. It’s not about listing after another woman. He’s probably more excited for his wife after watching it. Now, I’m picturing this act lasting about 5 mins and it’s over.
fantastic answer
My best advice is to look into professional therapy (not affiliated with the Church) and into the Church General Addiction support programs. Most areas have addiction recovery group meetings as well as support meetings for family. Even if your husband didn't want to go you could go for support. This also might not be an addiction (not that he shouldn't try to stop the behavior) - is he looking at the stuff like hourly/daily, affecting his daily life? Or getting bored twice a month and venturing into the wrong subreddits...? I think it might be hard to find the support you are looking for on reddit... I know it is hard but I would try not to blame yourself at all or feel shame about this. It is extremely common.
I agree that the church's therapists are not a great resource. Unfortunately.
Amen! Therapy is super important. If you have the means, individual and couple therapy can be very healing in the process. The addiction recovery program is top notch and will absolutely bring the spirit into the conversation more. It's meant for both of you to be there! Also, it is intended to be private. I'll also shamelessly mention my favorite podcast right now "Come Back Podcast". There is an episode about someone who struggled with Pornography from Dec 10th 2023 that was really good. You shouldn't feel alone, this is a really common struggle in the church. Use the addiction recovery program meetings as a support group to help you both get through this with hope and the spirit. Any opportunity to leverage the atonement should be hopeful, hard, and full of both joy and love.
For lots of men, it's very difficult to avoid and resist. Work with him, support him, and communicate how it makes you feel. He's imperfect, just like all of us are.
This red line always surprises me. I can understand many reasons for divorce like an affair, gambling addiction, abuse, or even harmful drug abuse. What other sins that only affect the sinner's body are worth divorce? Drinking coffee? Bad eating habits? Frankly, I'm even surprised by those who choose divorce for a faith crisis. Divorce is unfathomably destructive, especially when children are involved. I suppose if there are no children in the marriage, you can walk away, but it still surprises me.
One thing I would advise is to avoid labeling it as an addiction without solid evidence (this post does not paint enough of a picture to guess either way). Premature labeling porn usage as an addiction when it is not at that point often times has a negative effect on the user reducing usage like they want to. Some therapy pairs with some couples counseling would be good as there are some strong emotions that should be approached with love and care. Couples therapy would help with framing so communication does not become impaired
It sounds like you should do some research on the topic. Like lots and lots of research. Read books and articles and studies. Granted, it is pretty clear that pornography isn’t “healthy”. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s use is out of rebelliousness. It’s use is far more often out of “weakness”. Men and women are different and as such, generally have different struggles. For instance, imagine if a woman has an eating disorder due to body dysmorphia or something. Let’s say that the woman is refusing to eat or is throwing up everything she eats in order to “cope” with her body dysmorphia. - now let’s say she has a loving husband who notices this unhealthy behavior, but misdiagnoses the cause. Perhaps he pleads with his wife by saying, “Why are you continuing with this unhealthy behavior? I tell you all the time that you are already beautiful! Isn’t what I think of you good enough for you?” By asking questions like this, the husband would make his wife’s issues about himself rather than recognizing that this issue is more akin to a disease that his wife has fallen prey to. If the problem is misdiagnosed, it can lead to unhelpful shaming and can cause additional stress which can result in even more dependence on the unhealthy actions/habits/addictions. Your husband may or may not have an “addiction”. He may actually be fairly average compared with the general population. Porn use is far more often used as a coping mechanism to deal with stress. It’s a poor coping mechanism of course, but it’s one that has become readily available to men with just a few clicks. - it affects mostly men, but also is increasing in its affect among women. But again, men and women are different and often choose different vices. You can absolutely choose to view your husband’s use of pornography as infidelity, and he will likely continue to feel worse and worse about himself. - Or you can choose to see it as a disease that he has caught that will need a lot of love and attention to help him recover from. One last thing- be careful not to set yourselves up for failure by claiming that only 100% abstinence from porn is a success. Instead recognize that going longer and longer between uses can be a very reasonable goal. That way, if there is a relapse after several months or a year of abstaining, you don’t have to consider yourselves being back at square one. Good luck!
OK, I’m going to tread lightly here, and I may say some things that people might have negative knee-jerk reactions about, but I hope you’ll hear me out. First of all, yes, I think porn can be/is problematic in a lot of ways—in how it’s produced, consumed, marketed, and the inaccurate ways it portrays sex. However, I think the “addiction” idea gets applied to porn use a LOT when it’s not an accurate connection. Is your husband missing work to stay home and watch it, is he amassing a collection, spending lots of money on it? Is it taking him away from his normal family relationships? Does he need a “fix” before he can go on with his day? Or does he occasionally look at porn to numb out, distract himself, “relax and unwind,” or live vicariously? (Note, I’m not justifying it for those reasons, just trying to point out a spectrum). Think of it like a food addict who consistently overeats, including secret food, mindless snacking in the middle of the night, and always “feeding their feelings” vs. someone who has a real rough day and decides to treat themselves to a donut for some catharsis to counteract the emotional exhaustion. With any addiction or overuse of things (porn, alcohol, food, social media, etc.) the REAL question to ask is, “What pain is causing this person to numb out/distract himself?” Yes, you are hurt and feel betrayed—that’s totally justified when you find out a secret and feel your spouse wasn’t open and honest with you—especially if what he’s done is in opposition to your standards (and his). However, I hope you’re seeing that HE is hurting for reasons unrelated to porn at all, and also feels he’s betrayed himself. And like I said, the important thing to consider is NOT that he’s looking at porn, it’s what mental/emotional/spiritual challenges is he struggling with that make him feel the need to escape. You mentioned he feels a lot of shame and a lack of confidence—are those related to his life in general? There are a lot of people in the world—including in the church—who suffer from toxic shame, originating when they were children—which leads to people pleasing, overfunctioning, perfectionism, and religious scrupulosity. ALL of these things can be BRUTALLY DAMAGING to a person’s sense of self, self-love, and identity. He may be overloaded with the weight of not knowing who he is, what he wants, or the feeling that he has to neglect himself for the good of everyone else. All of these things are directly tied to compulsive and addictive behaviors, because they’re a way to escape the hurt, soothe the hurt inner child, rebel against tension, etc. I can only go by what I’m reading and what I’m assuming from the experiences I’ve had with those I know, (including being a recovering people-pleasing perfectionist myself), but I would say that what he needs is MORE compassion, communication, and affection. That doesn’t mean you’re “giving him sex to keep him away from porn”--that doesn’t work. It also doesn’t mean monitoring him like a helicopter parent—you are peers, not mother and child. He needs help fixing what’s REALLY at the core, so focus on that—the form of the addiction/distraction is much less important.
Thanks for your comment. It helped a lot and I'll be asking my husband more questions once he gets home from his outing.
Dont push him away, and don't you dare even bring up the D word with him. Unless he's looking at some seriously disgusting stuff this is something you can definitely work through. Threatening or even mentioning divorce can ruin everything you'd like your relationship together to be. Have you asked him why he feels the way he does? What's changed in the past year? Is he happy? Have stress levels gone up? How can you support him? Those are the questions you should be asking, not if you should leave him. Are you sealed together? This could easily be a blip of discomfort with an amazing husband in the eternal view of things.
We have been sealed since day 1
I'm sorry, I can't answer your question. But I have some thoughts/insight to share. This might be hard to accept, but this probably isn't about you. This is about him having poor coping skills, and a poor outlet for negative feelings or stressful situations. There is a long list of potential things he's using this for to either escape from or make up for. And you're probably not on it. If he never beat you, or caused a car accident, or threw up on you, would you divorce over drinking alcohol? How about stress eating? Would you divorce him if he gained 50 lbs? What about self harm? If he cut himself, would you divorce him? I know these aren't exactly the same as what he is doing, I'm just trying to illustrate a point. Pornography use does have some different connotations and impacts. I'm not advocating for staying if he is abusing you in any way. But think about what you would stay for and what you would leave for. Would you be willing to support him, to help him overcome his issues, or would it be too much? If he stops for 6 months and starts again, will you be able to stay with him? Is this really worth tossing out 7 years of marriage? The answer is up to you these are just thought exercises. Your bishop is on the list of people who know, why not set up an appointment with him?
The church draws a terrible line around pornography. Is it healthy? Probably not. Is it the worst thing someone can do next to murder? Also probably not. Lots of LDS guys have a hard time being honest around this issue with their spouse because of the inflammatory language the church uses around pornography. Most sex educators believe ethical pornography is okay in moderation. I am not excusing his behavior. The violation of marital trust is real. I am saying the church puts unnecessary gravity on this activity. I went through sex addiction recovery 7 years ago with one of the top LDS sex addiction therapists and it was really helpful. He told me his clients included currently bishops, stake presidents, and even members of the 70. One of his clients had spoke in generally conference recently (crazy! I thought) This issue is everywhere. Your husband is likely not a depraved sex addict. He is still worthy of love. Best books I’ve read about this: “He Restoreth My Soul” is awesome. And my wife loved reading “Love You, Hate the Porn”. These books were very helpful for my me and my wife. If you think your husband is the only one with the problem, he isn’t. If you leave your husband because of porn, good luck finding a guy who isn’t struggling with it. So many LDS marriages are needlessly ended because of porn. We are never given the tools to communicate or work through this issue in an adult, healthy way. I hope you and your marriage can find recovery and healing. I am sorry this happened.
It will be hard but try to be compassionate and find out why he's doing it and understand why you feel the way you do about it. Therapy can help. For both of you. Chances are that he doesn't want to be looking at porn but is doing it as an escape or release. Remember, him looking at porn does not change his love for you. Good luck.
This cannot be upvoted enough. Shame/guilt/pressure over porn actually makes porn consumption worse and higher (many studies have shown this). You want your husband to love you more? Show support, and love him. I know it is not on the same plane, but I’m sure your husband loves and supports you over small things like a lack of communication, or when you criticize a neighbor’s parenting, or when you may gossip, or focus on looks vs the inward person. He loves you and he could use a hand, not a judgement. Good luck, because you probably should ease up on the guy - nobody is near perfect. Also look up Reddit lds and porn. There are many statistics that put this practice into a common light.
It’s important to recognize that pornography addiction is not recognized by the DSM, and it’s not a professionally recognized condition. An aside that may or may not be relevant: Jodi Hildebrandt was obsessed with saying that any consumption whatsoever constituted an addiction. She called every man she worked with a sex addict, and told his wife to leave him. She ripped families apart with this, and then she charged them tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars for further treatment while she also promoted child abuse. She is not the only one. For whatever reason, there is a group of LDS therapists who are obsessed with ripping families apart by focusing this much on porn. And, during all of that, the church was supporting her and kept her on the list of approved therapists. I’ve talked about this a few times in this sub, but there’s something weird going on. There’s like a whole subset of people in the church who are obsessed with energy, reading, pornography, it’s Chad Daybell stuff. She was being reported for child abuse after keeping her niece literally captive, and the church worked with her and promoted her. She violated HIPPA. This fell through the cracks in a way that it should never have been allowed to by leadership and it almost killed real children. It may seem unrelated, but the language you are using, makes me feel the need to state this on the off chance that you are being influenced by that particular kind of philosophy. If you have never read visions of glory, and you aren’t involved in energy healing, and that kind of nutty subset, then you can ignore most of what I just wrote. If you are getting your information from people who loved the book visions of glory, you might need some assistance from your church leaders. Back to the advice for everyone: Whether or not you are against it for doctrinal reasons, I respect that. Stick to your beliefs. Stick to the beliefs of the church. That’s fine. But you need to make sure that you are speaking with actual reliable professionals who understand psychology if you are going to to use the word “addiction.” I really feel like the level of intensity is putting families into major crisis that don’t necessarily need to happen. Like yes, it’s reasonable to say that you don’t want him to do that. But to let it turn your entire family upside down is a choice. You don’t have to choose to let this ruin your entire world. Does he want to stop? If so, just work on that together. I just feel like it would be a huge tragedy If real families fell apart and children lost their family unit because this one act was considered so heinous. The family is more important than enacting judgement on a person while on this earth. I really think that you should be more specific about why you think this qualifies as in an addiction as opposed to just a sin. What are the resources you are using to learn about this? Addiction refers to a serious psychological and physical illness. A sin is theological. They’re not the same. There is a huge amount of data in the psychology world that talks about porn and masturbation in the context of it being a normal human desire. Once again, if you don’t want him to do it, it’s OK *for theological reasons* to ask him to deny this very normal human desire. But it doesn’t make somebody an addict. I just feel like that language is really dangerous when it’s being misused. And it’s causing you to have a level of fear and distress that may not be totally necessary. You can repent and solve this together without thinking that he’s an addict. Like unless he’s looking at it in the workplace, he’s probably not an addict.
It's okay to feel betrayed. I think your marriage is worth saving. There can be repentance and forgiveness. The sad truth is that [it will be difficult to find a man who has never viewed pornography](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/770968). I don't think it's the same as adultery. That being said, you don't need to put up with it going forward. One way to be supportive is to ask your spouse what habits and situations you can create so to avoid temptation. Open talk without fear and shame can help. The same goes if you were struggling with a bad habit. You can have a happy, beautiful, and chaste life with your current husband for the next seven years and beyond.
We've already come up with plans as to what he'll do if he finds himself in that situation again.
I advise only participating if he wants you to, but be careful not to police. You’ll kill the romance between you if you start trying to manage the sins of another. You’ll create a power imbalance and he’ll never feel worthy to you.
Glad you decided not to throw away your whole marriage because your husband watched some porn
Colleen Harrison's And He did deliver you from bondage may help. Experts will tell you that if you want to rid yourself of a habit, and changing the environment (use a phone that doesnt give access, give away the TV. never alone in the bathroom, different route to work, no money to buy it) isn't enough, you need to substitute something else every.single.time.you start to want to do that and continue doing that substitute until you are fully exhausted and go to sleep or until you no longer have any desire. It could be dancing or running or reciting or writing or quilting or cleaning or playing an instrument or making lego castles or something else or any combination, but every time until so exhausted you go to sleep. Usually this takes 30-45 days, but if it takes longer keep inserting the substitutes every.single.time.the idea comes into the brain. For some the behavior becomes a coping mechanism for something (maybe even wholly unrelated to sex. So he needs to see a therapist if the above doesn't resolve it. They can help identify the purpose and find a coping mechanism that ISNT porn use. For your spouse he needs to fully understand how he ended up back in it (though it sometimes turns out it was never fully stopped. Many men have the misunderstanding that this is about sex and that after marriage the issue just doesnt come up.) You can get through this. It is highly likely that what he has done is not about you or anything negative about you. And also not because of anything you did or didn't do (even if at some time he stupidly may suggest it is in some way.)
I would just say that this is not a betrayal. As one who struggles with the occasional porn and is married, it’s not infidelity in the slightest. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but leaving someone for porn usage and finding another partner will probably be a cycle, as porn usage is incredibly common. Not saying it’s ok but it’s how it is
Would you think any differently if you knew he was infatuated with you and fantasized about you while watching it? (A common occurrence among married men who watch porn). Porn isn't about physical lust per se, but it is frequently about a man wanting to feel wanted. Women, for all intents and purposes control access to physical intimacy, specifically about whether they feel emotionally secure enough in the relationship that they can allow such a physical union. If they don't feel secure, sex doesn't happen. Not knowing specifics, I'm guessing the frequency, who initiates intimacy, and the differences in physical desires have played a role in your relationship. Placing the burden solely on women for the absence of sex, or the presence of pornography is extraordinarily cruel and not what I am suggesting. What I am saying is that this issue has many, many layers, and getting a divorce over this will only compound feelings of utter personal and societal rejection. I would encourage you to look a little deeper at the many layers of this issue - especially from what men are experiencing in the world today (look at the 4b feminist movement in South Korea for example). In today's world, middle aged men are essentially discarded, and the suicide rates are alarming: https://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-living/info-2023/suicides-rising-among-older-men.html#:\~:text=Provisional%20data%20for%202022%20from,percent%20for%20those%2065%2Dplus. Professionally, men are becoming an increasingly marginalized group, especially middle-aged men, and they are losing a meaningful place in society that brought them feelings of self-worth. In your response, your dismay suggests that you are the one that controls intimacy and knowing that you have lost a bit of that control, or even the conditions by which intimacy is realized is a big factor in your dismay (and now your feelings of not even wanting to look at him). Your feelings are very real, and you have a right to feel hurt, however, my guess is, from what little I know, it sounds like he is a decent man who is trying and there is much more to the story. The fact that he is willing to visit with the bishop is a HUGE positive in my mind (it displays humility, and a desire to find ways to get on a better path). While I am not a general fan of sharing these things on platforms such as Reddit, I felt like I should write a few words of encouragement. You can make it through this, and I am confident that if you both turn to God and Christ, it will work out best in the end.
From another comment she made, this doesn’t seem to be the case. He seems to be controlling the intimacy and replacing it with porn, which I think changes the dynamic quite a lot.
I've been out of the church for a couple years now, and I can tell you that the concern over pornography is mostly a concern within the religion. Now, I'm not going to go over whether it's right or wrong because I've got my own opinions, and they're irrelevant here. The point is that you feel distressed over your husband being addicted to pornography. Your feelings are valid even if I don't agree with them. That being said, porn is a very natural thing to like. It drives a psychological and physiological need. That's why to Mormons, it comes off as addictive. It's really just biology. Being addicted to porn is kind of like being addicted to food. My advice to you is to be patient with him. Part of the thrill of porn is the fact that it's such taboo. The more you shame him, the more he'll seek it out because it will be seen as "dangerous." You can encourage him to stop, but making it an ultimatum won't do much good because he will have a much harder time letting go of it.
You’ve already had loads of great responses so idk if you’ll even see this but my heart goes out to you! The Savior can heal you and your husband. You are both so loved. Pray mightily for your husband. Pray for strength to forgive him and to be healed. Many men and women have been healed from porn use. Your husband (if sincerely repentant) can overcome this. He will need your love and support, not condemnation to move forward. Not excusing his behavior at all, but when you stand before God you’ll never regret giving grace and compassion where you could totally condemn someone. Forgive and you will be freed!! Help your husband stay accountable without shaming him. Shame is a downward spiral this will not facilitate positive change for him. Please DONT feel like a sucker. You sound like an amazing spouse. You’ve already demonstrated that by keeping this private from those you know rather than talking about him to your family or friends to validate your own pain to get validation from people you know. It’s can feel like a lonely path but this too will pass- you are in good company. So many others have been in this same situation. Most important, the Savior will be with you and if you turn to Him this experience will bless your relationship with Jesus. Prayers sister 🩵
Thank you for your comment. You're right about compassion and grace. Your comment means a lot to me, thank you.
Coming from the perspective of the husband who has relapsed 4 times since being married, all I can really say is do your best to support him. I know it’s really hard to do so given your feelings, that he went behind your back to hide something from you, and then you may feel yourself not being good enough for him because he turned to pornography. My wife is not very supportive through my personal struggles, and definitely was not supportive when I’ve told her I relapsed. The last time I did I slept on the couch for a week because of the guilt I experienced every single day. She would yell, put me down, and shame me for what I had done. She did hit me once. And I think her feelings and thoughts are valid, but not how she treated me when I’m most vulnerable. I think a conversation about his thoughts and feelings along with yours would help a lot, much like a companionship inventory that missionaries do (or did?) Please just do your best to be supportive of him getting past this slump.
This breaks my heart so much. Does she go to a 12 step group? I think both of you would benefit. She needs a healthy group of people to talk to about it and good examples of how to help a husband overcome this. Shame doesn't encourage honesty or recovery, in fact I'm sure it just pushes you further (it's your responsibility, but she can either help or hurt greatly).
Thanks for your kindness. No, she didn’t do 12 step with me when I did it. She’s pretty hands-off with support, so I’m left in my own corner most of the time. I’d like to get a local therapist when I can afford it, and I know for sure she speaks with spouses of those who have watched pornography.
I don't know how I can help, but if she's ever ready to talk to another wife who might be able to help her handle it more positively (for her own she as much as yours).. I'm her girl. I really hope you can both find peace and grow together through this. It's been really powerful for my husband and I.
Haha thank you for your offer, it’s very appreciated.
I'm sorry your wife did that to you. It's terrible that she "resorted" to doing that to you. I have strived to not do that to my husband. Since I've made this post, I've talked with him a lot more and I made sure to know if he felt supported by me or not. He's respecting my boundaries and taking it slow, which is definitely something I need right now. Best to you <3 You don't deserve that treatment, even if you've relapsed a few times.
I somehow didn’t see this comment till now but thank you for your kind words, and also I’m glad it’s working out between you and your husband and y’all are on the same page about progress and recovery. Wishing the best for you!
Your issue isn't pornography, it's a symptom of her emasculation and failure as a spouse. PM me if you want to talk through it.
This is so hard and shocking. I was shocked the first time I found out too. So give yourself time to grieve and adjust. In my case, I felt hurt but the truth is it had nothing to do with me. And he was the person I knew him to be. I told myself it hurt more that he didn't tell me. But he didn't tell me because of the shame he was carrying. I realized I had a lot of things to change so he would trust me. I would say, try your best not make him feel judged. He already feels so much shame and from you he needs a place where he can feel safe in his own shame. Where he knows you will love him no matter what. It takes time, but try to create a relationship like that. It has helped me to try not to make it a big deal. Just like forgetting to read your scriptures or slipping up on a diet, porn is a habit that is just hard to break. It is a big deal in that the law of chastity is a big deal. But it doesn't make him any more of a bad person because he struggles with this rather than any other bad habit. (Getting advice outside of the church can be helpful in that sense because it takes the serious sin feeling out of it and gives you room to breathe) Recent research has moved away from calling it an addiction. Some in fact claim that treating it so can exacerbate it. In our experience viewing porn has more been a coping mechanism to deal with some complicated emotions. Learning to deal with those emotions in healthier ways has been pretty effective. He was seeing a therapist (and I was seeing a therapist for a while my own stuff too). And we worked out a lot of things in our relationship. He still slips up but he has been faster at telling me and it hasn't brought him so down that it's difficult to get back out. We are still learning. We fall apart and get back up. When we get back up, it is something magical for our relationship. Getting through these hard things connects you like nothing else can. Don't despair. Many, many - most if not all- couples in the church deal with this at some point. Edit: I'm adding that part of the problem for us was as simple as mismatched sex drives and figuring out a good compromise - if it means a hand job or quickie for him when it's reasonable for me to give it which is really most of the time.
Not everyone has the same sex drive. Treating him like he's disgusting is just going to give him long term trauma and deep shame feeling like an unworthy piece of crap for a natural urge to reproduce. Men generally have higher sex drives than women, and if you guys aren't very sexually active, 9.99x out of 10, the guy is going to do it himself so he can go back to thinking clearly. As someone who went to lots of the church hosted AA meetings in different wards and states to try to get over a porn/masturbation "addiction", California and Utah were VERY different vibes in terms of how bishops treated it. Cali bishops were more the "Yeah I'm tired of hearing about this from literally every man in the ward, do your best to put a lid on it, but it's more normal than you think, you're just more brave than others for even talking to me about it." Utah bishops went the route of "Here are my personal 10 commandments of why you are the scum of the earth." Guess which was more helpful and which one got me to stop attending church. Leaving your husband and treating him differently over it is naive and would likely be the most mentally damaging thing you could possibly do to him. He already DEEPLY hates himself for being weak.
Sister, one thing you should know is that the Church's addiction program *isn't just for addicts*. There is a spousal support group that meets at the same time. You most certainly aren't alone. You mentioned that you were worried you would be viewed as 'a sucker' for staying. The people who would harshly judge you aren't people you're married to. Their opinion means nothing. You are much less alone than the adversary has made you feel. I am not telling you what to do about intimacy, that is none of my business. But, as hard as it is for you, he could use a lack of intimacy as an excuse. As others have mentioned, it is natural for you to feel the way you do. Just be aware that if you love him and want to work on your relationship, total withdrawal will not have a positive effect. Intimacy may be out for now, but try not to totally shut him down. He needs some positive reinforcement too.
Thank you for your comment.
I want to make sure you don't feel guilt or obligation to him, either. I'm sure you feel horrible, and healing takes time. So please don't feel guilty for the way you feel. That isn't the way to resume intimacy. It will drive you further from it. I only wanted to encourage you to - if you can do anything at some point - do it. Just because he has an excuse doesn't make it your fault. Apologies if I made it sound any other way. I only meant to point out how he might think or feel. Either way, sounds like you both need God's healing. And may He help both of you heal.
Your feeling are valid. It's disgusting and hurtful. At the same time, an absurd amount of men struggle with it and it will only get worse I think. When I (YSA aged) attended the porn focused 12 steps program, probably half of the really active men showed their faces eventually. The host was a senior missionary and former bishop who also struggled with it. I have previously said before that I think the women of the church would be absolutely heartbroken if they realized just how prominent the problem is.
Honestly, as one of those wives, in the moments I'm so shattered about a relapse, I consider re-entering the dating pool again (for only a moment) and then think "at least I'm with a man who can admit it". I don't think my father ever did, and many hide it for most/all of their lives out of shame, or knowledge of what their wife would do. And I honestly wouldn't be able to believe or trust a man who told me he didn't have a problem with porn now.
The only time I've gotten a decent sample of men that talked about the issue openly was at the MTC and one out of 11 didn't have any issues with it. Seemed more out of luck than anything.
Habits like porn often stem of some sort of unfulfilled need. Counseling is the place to come together and find what needs are not being met in the relationship. I can guarantee you that he has some unfulfilled needs that are driving him to this behavior. You need to figure them out and help him fill those needs within your relationship so he doesn't have a desire to look elsewhere.
This is a tough topic and I'm very sorry for how much this has hurt you. I know it's not easy. There are some important things to understand though. First, your husband is not the only LDS man to watch porn. It's wrong to do but it is a very common struggle. Statistically, 99% (real statistic) of men say they have viewed porn at some point in their life. Again, that doesn't make it good or ok. It's just that it is a nearly ubiquitous sin, not to the extent of pride but almost. Secondly, I hope he is willing to stop but that doesn't necessarily happen right away. If he feels he can't stop on his own, the church has programs that can help. Understand though that joining a program is a big ask and is not for everyone and it won't make it all magically go away. Third, he still loves you. Porn is not a dismissal of your relationship. It's a complex struggle and usually is more about coping with emotions, depression, anger, etc than anything else. Obviously, there is an element that is sexual but it's not the same as being in a relationship with another woman. Fourth, testosterone is an incredibly powerful hormone which keeps your sex drive on 24/7. It can be exhausting at times. Women don't typically understand how significant this is. My best advice is to try to understand him and try not to be angry while still being clear that you are not ok with it. The more he is shamed and the more you are angry the harder it will be to walk away from because it's more of an emotional cope than anything else. Also, don't hesitate to talk to a therapist yourself. Not because something is wrong with you but because it can really help to get professional guidance through a very very difficult time in your life. Also, call me crazy but exercise helps... for both of you. Sincerely, I wish you the best with this difficult situation.
I think it would be helpful to understand what this behavior means to your husband vs what it means to you. I.e. you appear to be experiencing it as a breach of your relationship - in essence, he cheated. I.e. Your world is turned upside down because you thought you had a loyal spouse and now you have been shocked to learn you have a cheating spouse. You may feel rejected, ashamed, betrayed, angry, resentful etc. All valid emotions. I am not saying those views are accurate / correct, I am saying I can see from your perspective and I can understand your feelings. The behavior might not mean any of those things to him. Is he acting out in this way due to stress or some other mental health pressure? Is the behavior about "sex" - or is it about anxiety management (or depression management / etc). Does he feel alone and disconnected? Does this behavior provide the illusion of connection? Is it hard for him to feel connected to other people? Can he replace the illusion for real connection? We use 1 word (pornography) to represent MANY different things that are not morally equivalent. I.e. some pornography is criminally illegal. Some pornography is used in commonplace advertising for public consumption. Some pornography can be seen in a chapel on Sunday (depending on how you want to define the word and how people are dressed that day). I think it is not helpful to use this word which can represent so many different things that are not moral/ethical equivalents.
The main point I'm trying to get across is this - communicate. Deal with your hurt, and come back to the marriage with curiosity. His behaviors are his behaviors, they do not make you less of a woman or less of a spouse. They can be replaced with better behaviors - ones that serve each of you and your relationship better. I don't think you would have chosen him if he did not have many wonderful qualities. Your joint goal is not "never mess up", your joint goal is "make a wonderful marriage" - that is a journey, a process. It requires each of you doing right things, NOT just avoiding "bad" things. You have more authenticity in your marriage today than you have had all year. That increase in authenticity is a great foundation to build on. Figure it out, take the forward steps, without guilt or shame, but two people growing together.
I’ve been through it, although I don’t think I’m done going through it. If it’s really an addiction, then porn is probably a symptom of a greater problem. Pulling back the onion layers of childhood trauma, faith-based shame, mental illness, etc with my spouse has been exhausting and got me asking questions far beyond porn at this point. It doesn’t sound like it’s quite that serious for you but it’s hard to say at this stage. One podcast that I’ve really enjoyed listening to is the Jennifer finlayson-fife podcast. And there’s also “thriving after pornography” which is really good too. Basically, you need to get curious about why he’s behaving that way and open up a space for real intimacy in your marriage — the intimacy that comes from really knowing and accepting each other. If it gets to the point that you know exactly what reality you are living in, and it’s just unacceptable for you, then either of you have the right to choose to separate/divorce. And that’s really all it comes down to. You know, love, and accept each other. Or you don’t. It’s scary but worth having a truly intimate marriage. I try to remember to look at the many positives of my husband and exercise forgiveness often. But yes, hiding porn does feel like a betrayal and I understand exactly how that feels. And if you don’t feel like being intimate with him right now, there is no need to force yourself to do so. Please don’t do it out of fear that you’re somehow contributing to the porn use. The porn use has nothing to do with you and you have to realize that you cannot control it, no matter how much you engage with him. You can’t control what someone else does. It’s scary and vulnerable, but it’s also nice when you learn that it’s really not your fault. (So many people on here already assuming you are to blame or that you can somehow control whether he will watch — and trust me, that’s all not true). You do need to try to work on intimacy — both physical and emotional (honesty and trust being an important part of that, leading to whatever physical things feel comfortable) — and I think the physical affection will return naturally with time. Please check out those podcasts! They’re really helpful.
One powerful and scary thing you can do is actually permit him to do it (remember, you can’t control what another person will do anyways). If you permit him to do it, ask for complete honesty, and he really wants to stop, you might see that he will just stop. There is this weird thing that happens when you tell someone they can’t do something and all of a sudden they want to do it every opportunity they are alone or whatever. But if they can do it anytime they want, that urgency and temptation is curbed and they don’t have to do it every time you walk out the door. They might go — yeah I can do it. But not right now. Does that make sense? It’s scary and feels backwards but we just have to give each other agency, expect honesty, exercise forgiveness and do our best.
First off, he's probably the one who needs advice. Many of the answers already given are useful information for you, but they could be life-changing advice for him. Biggest game changers for myself overcoming porn has been understanding addicitons vs habbits, and learning more about triggers or what factors contribute to me messing up. I was viewing porn largely out of boredom and I simply replaced the habbit with games instead. Having a video game "addiction" can also be harmful, but it is a lot less stigmatized and shameful I found it easier to deal with it on my own timeline. I know it was very difficutl for my wife when she learned of my porn use. It was probably in our 4th year of marriage, we had one child at the time. She said similar things that you are saying here, she "felt betrayed," it was "like she didn't know me," I think she felt very ashamed to be with me for a while. To be honest, we didn't talk all that much about it, I told her one night, she was very upset, a day or two later we had a small discussion, and moved on, but I wish we could have talked more. I wish I could have explained things more to her, but it felt to me like she was too hurt, and couldn't discuss it at all. Even now, years later (about 10 years and 4 kids later) I feel like I want to explain to her more of the nuances, more of the reasons, motivations, thoughts.... but even with our very open relationship, I feel like she is too ashamed of the whole idea of porn to even discuss. Whatever she decided in her mind back then, she decided to stay with me and we've had a very happy and meaningful marriage. Now I also had a friend in college who got married at 20, discovered that her husband had a very bad porn addiction and got divorced within 2 years. I don't know all of the details of her story, but I just want to illustrate that there are two sides to this story. What happens to you now depends on you and your husband, and how you want to tackle this problem together. It is absolutely a problem that can be overcome and left behind, and depending on the details of your story, it might be a lot of work or a small blip in the road. I guess my advice to you is don't think of porn as a big scary soul-sucking monster that means automatic spiritual death. It's something that most men deal with to some extent, and many are moving past it just fine. There's lots of complications around shame, and church culture, and the greater world of ethics and morality, but you just need to focus on what matters to you and your family. A little bit of forgiveness goes a long way. Best of luck.
This is heartbreaking to hear. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have some thoughts that may help. As a preface, I (30s, M) haven't ever intentionally viewed pornography, or lingered on it when it did appear. I'm not saying this to brag - any credit would go to God and to my excellent parents anyway - but so that you know that I don't have any incentives in terms of minimizing the seriousness of pornography. I'm certainly not trying to do so, because it is serious; when not addressed and healed by Christ, it poisons and corrupts everything it touches at a rate and depth few sins can match. But what I feel I should say to you requires what might be misconstrued as minimizing it. I hope you don't see it that way. I am mostly troubled by how you describe that you view your husband now, and hoping to give you the way forward you requested by offering a better way to view him. First and foremost, though, know that you are not responsible for his choices, or for the initial feelings that they have caused you. It is normal to feel hurt and betrayed, both by his recent pornography usage and his having kept it from you for months. It is normal to feel afraid for what the future might hold. Nothing I am about to say changes any of that. He even knew on some level that his actions would eventually cause you this kind of pain; that is also part of the sin. It's a terrible thing. It's also not that different from what you and I do to God every time we sin. We have entered into sacred, covenant relationships with Him, just as your husband has with you. God has invested everything in His relationship with you and with me, including and especially investing emotionally, to the point that His heart breaks much more deeply than we can comprehend when we turn to other sources for fulfillment. And yet, assuming you haven't overcome all your sins yet, we do turn to other sources, again and again, every single time we sin. We don't quite comprehend how not to sin sometimes, being so steeped in it, but to be blunt we still sometimes sin even when we do know exactly how not to. We repeatedly, inexplicably turn away from and break covenants with a perfectly loving and kind God, even knowing that it hurts him precisely because of the relationship and love He chooses to extend to us. We repeatedly apologize and promise to do better, but it's a long and difficult path even when we're at our best. If your husband is the kind of man I take him to be, this was not intended to be personal against you or even neglectful of you, any more than your sins are intended to be personal against or neglectful of God. He was not trying to betray you any more than you try to betray God; in fact I would bet that he was trying very hard not to betray you, but sin has a way of muddling our thinking. He found himself in a difficult emotional position, and knew a way to briefly escape it. He also knew there were better ways, but he lacked confidence in those ways. He let fears or insecurities or hormones or whatever cloud his judgment and get the better of him. He made a selfish choice. And then he gave in to shame and fear of the consequences of his actions on you and your relationship, and hid, which makes it nearly impossible to resist the next temptation. That story is painfully familiar to me, even though I've never messed with pornography. I'm confident it's familiar to you too. You will need to acknowledge (not bury or ignore) the ugliness of what your husband has done and the pain it brings you, and yet at the same time find not just forgiveness, but deep compassion for him. Come to see yourself as you really are, and learn more about how God deals with your sins and how he sees you. Then learn how God sees your husband, and ask Him to show you how to follow suit. Obey the promptings you receive, however difficult or unrelated they may seem, and don't stop asking and obeying until He teaches you how it's done (a word to the wise: don't stop at that point either). Your bishop can help you with this too. Your husband will need your support to learn confidence in the better, holier methods of dealing with stress, shame, and insecurity, and you will need his support to repent of your own sins and to learn confidence in him despite his failings, and in the pure love of Christ to sustain you. I wish you the best, and hope you can soon see your husband as he really is.
Thank you for your comment. It really means a lot and thank you for taking your time to write it out.
There is so much great advice in here that I wish my younger self had.
My experience: I am a temple married man in my early 30s who has a history of viewing pornography for about 20 years. I've relapsed so many times. It is perfectly okay to feel hurt. It takes so much courage to share your vulnerability with strangers on the internet. While this situation is not a fun one to be in, it is so great that you are able to acknowledge and voice your feelings. Keep an open mind, and don't disregard your feelings or your husband's feelings. The culture in the church for so many years has vilified pornography viewers. The cultural biases against pornography lead to shameful behavior by pornography viewers. I know exactly how your husband feels. It may have started as a moment of weakness, but the shame of viewing pornography only fuels that fire. Oftentimes, when I feel disconnected from my loved ones, I resort to pornography the most. And the shame wants me to disconnect even further. I know that it is hard on you, and trust me, it is hard on him too. It might sound absurd or difficult, but in my opinion, the best way to help yourself, your husband, and your relationship is to love, support, and forgive him. By being a loving example to him, he can start to love himself again and, in turn, reciprocate that love to you, regaining that connection that might be missing right now. I think doing service with your husband would be a great way to rebuild that connection with him (I think a temple date night would probably be a good idea, if possible). I do think that as members of the church, we are still learning to love those who sin despite their sins. Your husband is still a worthy priesthood holder. He is still worthy to enter the temple. He is worthy of the Atonement. Your marriage is still sacred. You are worthy of your husband's love, and he is worthy of yours. Remember to take care of your needs and love yourself. You can get through this - together.
Thank you so much for your comment. It really gave me a lot of hope.
A bit over dramatic in my point of view. If you asked 100 guys if they look at porn, 50 would say yes and the other 50 would be lying (figuratively). It would probably surprise you how many brothers at church have a dirty little secret regarding this matter. The struggle is real, but being ashamed about it isn’t the answer.
The reaction of feeling hurt and even the thought of leaving someone because of porn usage really gives porn a lot more power than it should have. It would just add to the guilt that leads to sneaking around and having a harder time stopping usage even if the individual wants to. It would be nice to see some other narratives out there that could help spouses and individuals communicate and deal with disagreements or disappointment in this topic. I don't think that this discovery should even make someone consider leaving their spouse, especilaly if the spouse is talking about it and has talked to the bishop. The fact that the mind would go to the thought of leaving might even point to a kind of scrupulosity that could make forgiveness harder for both. That's not to dismiss OP's feelings but just to point out that I hear about this kind of reaction pretty commonly and that it certainly presents itself as a ready reaction women are almost expected to have. Any other issues of abuse of spouse excluded, is it possible thst thinking of leaving someone just because they used porn might actually be worse than using porn?
I’d avoid calling it an addiction. Unless it’s interfering with work and responsibilities, it’s most likely a compulsion. Respond with love, not anger. What would Jesus do? Forgive him and love him.
Sounds like a better opportunity than ever to love and serve your husband. Giving into the rational temptation to leave your husband over such an issue would not make you so much better. If he says it wasn't wrong then another story. Sounds like he knows it's wrong. Dramatically reacting the way you are likely breeds a good level of distrust within your relationship. As if you're so much better. As if you could possibly deserve the pain associated with that. I promise this is such an instrumental opportunity to demonstrate your love to your husband. Please work to look through that perspective. If you didn't really love him so much, perhaps he was subconsciously seeking release this whole time. Perhaps this is just the opportunity you have to escape. Your life is what you choose. He'll make this or other mistakes in the future. You will make some other mistake to him. This is your relationship journey. Make the most of it.
To defend your husband a bit I've had my fair share of mistakes but the commitment is to God/wife not indulgence. I hope you understand the feelings or interest is absolutely not bad. Satan seeks to hijack what is otherwise good desire. Hopefully your husband has good healthy sexual appetite. This is good in some sense if you can see it that way. Unfortunately porn is friggin everywhere. I'm surprised by the amount of easy to access models/porn images on social media. Instagram? Forget it. Doesn't matter how soft core something is its still porn. A normal guy notices and at least thinks further. I'm just justifying the husband. I'm merely describing normal behavior in a modern world that abuses an otherwise healthy physiological arousal. It's so accessible. Imagine a smoker trying to stay clean while walking through a casino. Except that casino is just normal browsing web/media, checking email, browsing netflix or trying a new show. Imagine hearing about your favorite celebrity relationship then reading about it is a sin. That might seem stupid but for a guy that's the level of temptation/accessibility is available for porn. Oh some hot actress hosted SNL haha. Then social media shows you more and more pictures. What is at first nothing then is suddenly part of an algorithm to jam it in your face. Doesn't help that it feels a little exciting. I could mention that there may often be a void of intimacy in your relationship but that might hurt you even more in this moment of emotional pain. I don't know you but i hope you consider that when you are able. Not the top level important thing right now. You should simply love your husband and demonstrate commitment. It'll do more than you realize.
Thanks for your comments. I do want to say that although I've had my fair share of moments I'm in too much pain to do anything with him, more and more often he hasn't engaged with me at all, even when I try. I know that porn doesn't help one's drive but makes it worse, so I'd say he probably hasn't had a good appetite for a while.
I think you should mention that in your original post. There is a big difference between occasional or even daily porn use that has little impact on your relationship and someone avoiding intimacy with a preference for looking at porn. It makes it more clear why you feel betrayed, like he won’t give you the intimacy you are crazing, but he’s spending time getting the feelings elsewhere. I know it’s a bit difficult, but maybe you should ask him what he watches. Ask him why he likes those things. Most men have some type of preferences. He could be bored, maybe something has changed from what attracted him before. Maybe he’s stressed and can’t easily get into the moment. There are a ton of issues that he could be ignoring and replacing with porn. It’s rough, but just maybe you could really help him if you allow him to honest with you. All your behavior is teaching him is to be careful about being honest with you. There is a reason the savior never asked anyone to go do penance before forgiving them. When people came with a sincere sense of having done wrong, he lifted the burden they felt. If he had chastised them and told them how evil they were, they would not have actually repented.
I guarantee he’s watched porn more than just when he was a teenager
I am sorry. I expect your husband has not be forthright because he knew the effect it would have on you and on your perceptions of him (as born out by your understandable reaction and current feelings toward him). I expect your husband has been battling this alone for some time with the hope that he could get past it without having to injure you and your feelings toward him. Clearly that hasn't born fruit, so what can be done? First, I recommend therapy for you both, individually and as a couple. If that's too expensive/time-consuming, I'd start with couple's therapy. Quality and suitability for particular issues among therapists varies widely; don't be afraid to experiment and shop around if the first one doesn't help. Second, I caution your use of the phrase "[porn addiction](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/porn-addiction)," which we Mormons like to apply to anyone who views porn with any degree of frequency. It's possible your husband is addicted to porn, in that he may use it compulsively even when such use results in severe negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, or financial well-being. But maybe this doesn't describe him. In any case, recognize that, while statistics vary, a majority of men in the developed world [admit to using porn within the past year](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7044607). These are just the ones who admit it. In other words, porn use is very common. We are biologically wired to be attracted to it, and with its easy availability, the reality is that porn viewing is widespread, and your husband is not an anomaly. That's not to say such use is good or optimal, in the same way that we can acknowledge the prevalance of ultraprocessed foods and exploding obesity rates and not suggest that such a reality is optimal or good. Third, do some reading/listening. I recommend [Addicted to Lust](https://www.amazon.com/Addicted-Lust-Pornography-Conservative-Protestants/dp/0190844213) by Samuel Perry. It is a very accessible but educational read on how porn use impacts people and relationships within conservative Christian communities (he focuses on evangelical churches, but all his insights and findings apply equally to LDS members). One of the takeaways for me is that our attitudes toward porn are as damaging or more than the porn use itself. It's akin to eating junk food: no doubt, junk food is not good for you, but even worse is giving in to the temptation to eat junk food and then hating yourself for it, vowing to never eat junk food again, giving in again and calling yourself a disgusting addict who is worthless and gross. As this pattern repeats, the self-loathing and disgust causes more secrecy and withdrawal, etc. An LDS therapist I recommend for all things related to sexuality is Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. [Here are some podcast episodes](https://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/topic/pornography) related to porn that you might find useful. I am sorry for the pain your husband's actions have caused you, and I wish you both the best. Ten years ago, my wife and I were where you are. We have both learned to have a healthier, more nuanced attitude toward porn, and our marriage is much better as a result. I promise there are better days ahead if turn toward each other, keep communicating, and work toward establishing a safe relationship where honesty is valued and not punished.
I don’t have good advice on this. The best advice I could come up with is… don’t go to a therapist like Jodi Hildebrandt. Otherwise- if your husband is a kind person and otherwise good to you, maybe just find a great therapist that can help you navigate this.
I'll add.. one that is experienced and will support your beliefs. If they think porn is healthy, you won't get far.
It will take time but your relationship can heal and become stronger than ever. Keep fighting for what you want and the shock will wear off soon. You'll be able to make this an "us" challenge instead of a "him" challenge and together you can overcome this problem. The Lord is with you. He is with both of you. Rely on him for your peace and for your husbands strength. You can get through this together.
I'm sorry for 2 things 1. That some of these comments are disrespectful 2. That you are taking this in such a hard way. Porn is an addiction that is very difficult to overcome. Views on it should always be felt with love and not resent. This can be hard sometimes when you FEEL betrayed. But your not being betrayed. You have the opportunity to show Heavenly Father how much of a caring individual you can be and help your husband through this difficult time in his life. When you made the commitment to marry your spouse you also made the the covenant to lift each other up. I know this seems like I'm talking at you. And I don't mean it to be this way. If a family member came to you or the whome family woth an addiction, how would you respond? Be upset with them and cut them out of your life? Or do your best to help them? This can be extremely difficult if your are feeling betrayed but know that if your husband approached you he is seeking your forgivness and wanting to work with you through this. I promise you your marriage will be even stronger when you get through this. Speaking from personal experience and seeing it in friends too.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate you taking your time to write this.
So, I’m actually a husband going through this same thing, but my wife knows, what’s been helping me is actually giving me affection, showing love towards me in the ways I like. For example come and sit on my lap, kiss me a little, idk things like that actually helped me forget about the porn and I was able to actually improve, granted I still will slip cause I’m not perfect but it’s way better than it was! Good luck and don’t give up on him, he honestly is probably embarrassed and scared about all of it, just be there for him and show him you care
I would like to share how I stay accountable to my wife, because she was married to a porn user, on top of other things including infidelity, and I had an issue with porn for many years before we got married. The biggest thing to note here is that he needs to put forth some effort, and it sounds like he is to some degree. Whenever I do something that might trigger my desire to seek out porn I tell my wife. This means that if I watch a video about crafting on YouTube, and I realized I only clicked because I thought the person was attractive, I confess that. If I’m on Reddit and click some suggested sub because the topic was provocative but had nothing to do with my experiences ( as opposed to a post like this one which could be, but personal experience means that I can share useful insight) I tell her. She knows my phone passwords, computer passwords, and there is a camera in my office pointed straight at my computer screens that she can look at anytime. She has access to my devices with all my texts and search history. I’ve tried to make sure that we are one, and that I won’t and can’t hide anything from her. This also was an adjustment for her. When I would tell her that I clicked on something that was a potential trigger, she would feel concerned about her standing with me. She has learned to appreciate that I am open with her about even the little things so that it never becomes big things.
I suggest you let him know porn is something you think isn't good to enjoy, actually a very bad thing for anyone to enjoy watching, while asking him if he really wants it out of his life. And then if he answers appropriately, then ask him if he is okay with you helping him to get it out of his life. If he just makes excuses and says it really isn't so bad or says anything to suggest he doesn't really want to stop, then I feel you would be justified for not wanting him as your husband. Porn is an evil that should not be acceotable in your home or his office or on his phone or anywhere else, and if he doesn't get that then he not only needs counseling and therapy and a mighty change of heart but also someone else who is willing to put up with him not even acknowledging the evil porn is.
Look up Healing with Worth or the Worth Group. Good place to start...
I don't blame you for feeling betrayed, but in my mind, it's more of a disease than anything. Would you feel betrayed if he got cancer? in my mind the two aren’t that different. Different people are born with different weaknesses and temptations. Yes, his agency definitely plays a role, but it might not be entirely his fault that he has a strong proclivity for it or a limited ability to resist the temptation. Generally speaking people do the best they can with the brains they have. I have been working with teenagers who have drug and porn addiction for the past decade of my life. It’s takena long time, but I’ve learned not to be upset when they relapse. Personal growth takes a lifetime. If a person is born with even minor, cognitive setbacks such as ADHD, even if it’s undiagnosed, it can make it substantially harder for them to resist a temptation. that’s not too excuse bad behavior. But rather to acknowledge that they’re likely doing the best they can with the brain they have. right now I’m working with a teenager who is a compulsive, liar and steals things. I used to get super upset with that type of behavior because it’s not something I would ever do. Or other similar things where I wonder why they don’t just stop. But really they’re doing the best they can with the brain they have. The teenager I’m working with right now who compulsively steals and lies. I really believe he’s doing the best he can, he’s trying. But the brain he has just isn’t as good at not stealing and not lying as mine is, that’s not his fault. I do the best I can with the brain I have and my agency, try to support others within the boundaries of not ruining my own mental health,And leave the rest up to the Lord.
if you haven’t already look up the talk worthiness is not flawlessness.
I am lucky enough to not have a partner with this addiction, but I have brothers who have all been addicted to porn as teenagers, and while I don't know the whole story, my eldest brother did go back to it after being married. 1: You are not at fault. This has nothing to do with your sex life. Rather, like most addiction relapses, the cause was probably a mixture of higher levels of stress and/or being in a situation where he would have viewed porn as a teenager followed by the guilt of having made the mistake and Satan's favorite lie of "It's too late now." 2: Give yourself space and time to heal. Forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself in a situation to be hurt again and it doesn't mean forgetting what happened. Trust, especially after it's been broken, needs time. 3: Find someone to talk to. This could be a friend or family member who you trust to remain neutral and listen, or there are groups in the church specifically for the spouses of those dealing with a porn addiction. Your bishop would be a good resource to find such a group in your area. 4: Give room in your relationship for your husband to communicate his feelings, his issues, ECT and for you to do the same. This will be difficult, but Satan does his best work in the dark. So pull it all out into the light. Set expectations of 100% honesty. This won't always be pretty, and it's possible and even probable that your husband will have future lapses. But shame and lies will only make it worse. I hope this helps, and I encourage both you and your husband to look into all the resources the church has to offer. I'm rooting for you both. Also, feel free to DM me if you need a listening ear. The last thing you need is to feel alone.
Thank you for your response. I'm glad to get some advice amidst some of the comments here haha.
Poor Guy!!! He must really suffering to having a judgemental wife that sees his addiction/Sin worthy of leaving the marriage. There maybe many reasons why he’s viewing porn but what’s more disturbing is the OP lack of understanding and love towards her husband. Why do women in the church always go for the leaving my husband card when life becomes hard. Try not to be soooo judgmental of others sins and worry about your own and your relationship with God!
Idk going behind someone's back and keeping secrets is a deal breaker for most people, in any circumstance.
I would like to understand how you feel it going behind your back? I sincerely don’t understand your viewpoint. Does it mean that you should know every thought and action even if it doesn’t involve you? Again not accusing, just trying to understand. How do you view privacy, for example? Another question, wouldn’t this whole thread be going behind his back? If he found it, even if it’s anonymous, it’s still sharing something that, what seems like from his view, would be highly embarrassing for him? Should he think of divorcing you because of this? I’m just a bit perplexed at how women feel they have been so hurt by it?
I’ve been a Bishop and spoke to many with this problem. Men and Women. It’s really not a big deal. You’re treating him watching porn all wrong. He’s just a dude that sometimes makes mistakes. I’m sure he loves you!! He hasn’t cheated on you!! Your Husband got caught up in the oldest trick in the book. Sex sells. Don’t throw away a good man over a stupid mistake. But if you do than you don’t deserve him and he will be happier elsewhere. Good luck OP
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Really!! Is this what the OP should do in this case? If that happens…..shame, shame, shame! Not Christ like at all. Go and sin no more is all our saviour said to the woman caught in adultery. Maybe we should follow HIS example.
I mean you’re not arguing with me, you’re arguing with Christ. All I did was quote the Bible. The Nee Testament in fact, and quite literally the words of Christ. So I am following his example, notice the “and sin no more”. Following Christ doesn’t mean excusing that sins that you have as a Christian, it means listening to his words and instructions and trying to be better.
Here we have two members of the same faith with different opinions. One wants Justice. The other wants Mercy. Who is right? Neither as they both work together to cleanse the soul. All I’m trying to say to the OP is to forgive her husband and trust in the repentance process.
There’s a difference between forgiveness and enabling. The words of Christ here are very clear. In order to receive forgiveness, you have to turn away from the sin. Yes, Christ grants Mercy. But in order to receive it, you have to be turning away from the sin. To continue to live in it, is not seeking forgiveness. It’s seeking enablement. And it’s not two members of the same faith with a different opinion. As I stated, those scriptures are the direct words of Jesus Christ.
Well Yes Phantom! Obviously he has to sin on more as he progresses through the repentance process. No one is disputing that. He will, as with all addictions have good and bad days. All Christ has asked us to do, is to love the sinner and to leave the judgment to those who hold the Repentance Keys. You should go easy on the Fire and Brimstone preaching, as it makes you sound unapproachable. Which I’m guessing is why you want to die on this Justice Hill. When I held the Keys of repentance in my ward I had a picture of Christ on the wall of my office. Each confessing came with its own set of challenges and never the same as the last. I would always look at that picture of Christ and ask myself…what would Christ do!! 9 times out of 10 it was to show Christ like Love. ❤️ not read a Fire and Brimstone passage from the Bible.
Don’t allow the men here to gaslight you. Going behind your spouse’s back to participate in anything contrary to what you promised them in marriage is wrong. Too few men see pornography as cheating, and they would certainly be arguing a different tune if you were the one receiving nudes from people. As a woman whose marriage DID survive this, here’s the reality of the situation. 1) Divorce being on the table isn’t wrong, you’ve been lied to and honestly getting over that is the hardest part. When he gets better, you’re not going to believe him. And jerks like these will tell you it’s not possible to get better, “all men do it”, etc. this will make rebuilding trust in him 10 times harder. 2) You absolutely CAN be addicted to porn. my husband is diagnosed ADHD and OCD, I think likely the OCD is behind how aggressive his addiction was. Thousands of pictures a day, 5-10 hours a day of pornography usage. Massive fits of anger if I got to close to his phone, screaming that I stole his phone whenever he misplaced it, and physical abuse. Him unlearning these behaviors was a process, it won’t happen overnight, and honestly, if you want to see changes in his behaviors at all, you need to have a backbone of steel. 3) the church offers addiction recovery programs for free. When I talk to my husband about staying, I told him that attending these classes every single week was nonnegotiable. Until I felt like the problem had subsided, missing one for any reason was not optional. I genuinely believe this was the most helpful thing that he did. I’ve noticed that porn tends to be a large problem in LDS circles, not because of the faith, but because of the shame. In hiding, simple porn usage turns to deep addictions. we have very high divorce rates because of this. Being in a circle that ultimately talks about the issue, requires them to step out of the cycle of shame. I cannot recommend them enough. 4) discuss his triggers, one of my husbands was Tiktok. he deleted the app entirely, three years later I offered it back to him and he still doesn’t want it. He also consented to a third-party app placed on his phone, that would alert me if he was looking at anything. I know this is massively helpful for him, because he didn’t have to self restraint to stop himself. Similarly to TikTok, I have offered to take this off of his phone and he rejected the idea. 5) start recognizing the behaviors he displays when falling back into addiction. It’s going to be different for everyone, but I promise once you learn to spot the behaviors you’ll be able to tell if he’s being triggered without him mentioning it. Getting out of an addiction isn’t as simple as telling someone you love them. It’s not as simple as supporting them through it all. Sometimes that makes an addiction worse. Trust me, a number of my friends and family are alcoholics. Never enable an addiction, expect a plan of action. Always make sure that you are looking out for your current or future children. The way you allow yourself to be treated, will be the way that they allow themselves to be treated. And I promise you they will eventually find a partner that treats the way yours treats you. so yes, absolutely love your spouse. If he is willing to put in the work, and you can get the help that you need in therapy you can absolutely make it work. But if he is not willing to put in the work and he makes excuses, or claims that it can’t be an addiction, and he is giving you your answer. keep your head up, and treat him the way you want to be treated. But expect the same in return.
There is so much great advice here. I just want to highlight this podcast that changed my life. It’s called overcoming pornography for good by Sara Brewer and I feel it can help both you and your husband.
Why would you even consider divorce? Women don't realize how easy it is to look at porn. Stick by his side through thick and thin and don't give up. Ask how you can help and love your husband. Quit focusing on yourself so much. Your selfishness is the real problem here.
I actually just heard a podcast that might help you. http://www.thisweekinmormons.com/2024/05/cameron-staley-sex-therapist/ He shared really good information. I don't remember all the specifics, but it seemed encouraging.
We just had a stake conference leadership meeting that focused on pornography addiction. Looking back over my notes I see that while the speakers did not cite statistics from the church, they did say that other Christian churches list pornography addiction as high as affecting 70-80% of male members (this could partially be due to different standards of defining "addiction"). However, men are not the only people who can become addicted to pornography. One of the speakers said that people who suffer from addiction have the best chance of addressing it and overcoming it when they have support from Clergy, Groups, Sponsors, and Therapy. Those who stand the best chance of maintaining sobriety are those who become sponsors themselves, which comes after a year of sobriety. Based in definitions of sobriety, it is possible to be worthy to hold callings in the church, have a temple recommend, and attend the temple without being "sober". The main factor being that repentance and sobriety do not have synonymous definitions. Perhaps most importantly, they stressed that the more we can do to do away with shame and encourage discussions about pornography addiction, the better families and ward families will be. And we will be able to avoid circumstances where someone is addicted for years without giving any indication that they are struggling.
As a man who kicked this demon out of my life and focused back in my wife I have some real experience here. As a man who need to feel loved and wanted, when I didn't FEEL wanted, I turned to the Instagram girl option. The unclean spirits in the world plane are tempters and make us believe half truths. You need to be more supportive of him and his daily needs to feel loved by you and ask him to save himself for you. Plan out a schedule for intimacy at first and forgive him as the father forgives you of your trespasses. Once this gets started he must realize its an EVIL spirit that is after him and he must consciously avoid it like the plague. It's hard to talk about but this demon was pulled out of me by God/the holy spirit because I am and your husband is a child of God. The demons have already lost, he needs to quote scripture whenever he feels the lies start/aka temptation. I hope this helps, the more you talk about it the better, pornography is destroying our relationships and realize marriage is an example for us like we are the bride of Christ. Don't give up on him easily because that is the other evil spirit that will trick YOU at the same time into thinking you should get out! Beware. The evil is after you both because you are good people and harder to "get". Show him love and be the wife he needs. God bless you.
I've been battling with this struggle long before I got married. In fact, on the day I officially committed to the woman who is now my wife, I disclosed my battle to her. I even offered her an opportunity to back out before our relationship became public. However, she assured me that as long as I'm fighting it, she's right there beside me. Having her support has been truly incredible. He must understand the importance of being completely honest with you. It's difficult for me to admit when I've faltered, but keeping it a secret only perpetuates the shame cycle, leading to a return to old behaviors. Confession breaks this cycle. Hopefully, he will reach a point where he feels comfortable confessing when he's tempted or finds himself in a challenging situation. Having a small accountability group could make a significant difference for him. I have a group of two other guys whom I check in with every day. A brief message assuring everyone that things are going well is all it takes. Also, please understand that his struggle has nothing to do with you. A spouse's love can help break the cycle of shame, but you can't bear the burden of "fixing" him.
Thank you for your comment. Especially the last part.
There's nothing wrong with a little adult time and a few props. But if he's doing all night and day, then you should get him help. If he's 100 percent honest, try watching some with him.
I have felt the pain your speaking to, I’m so so sorry. What did we do? It took a lot of work, and a few years to really change our perspective. Today porn is not threat, we still talk about it openly but i no longer expect him to not view porn and the same rules apply to me. The messaging around this topic coming from the church is maybe trying to be helpful, but through our experience it felt more harmful. It made us paranoid, it brought on shame and so much stereotypes that really didn’t fit either of us.. and most of all so. Much. Shame. That was more harmful to our marriage than anything. I’m not denying that this can be a real issue but i think In most cases it’s just something new and exciting. There’s a space where we can just accept that we have not only a sexual relationship with our partners but ourselves too.
He is a guy, how much does he spend on porn a month?
As someone who suffered with pornography addiction for over 40 years, I feel qualified to weigh in. There is a reason why the general authorities have called porn a pernicious evil. I think it’s been referenced at least once every general conference for the past 10 years. It’s one of the most potent tools the adversary uses. If you feel he has an addiction, and by your title it sounds like you do, I highly suggest having him attend the church’s addiction recovery program. I’ve been the facilitator for my area’s group, and it’s a wonderful program! In fact, I think everyone can benefit from it, we like to call it “atonement 101”. It can help people with a lot of challenges they face. 😀
As a man who has struggled with porn for most of his life, I hope you believe me when I say the rollercoaster of anguish is just beginning. You will hate him. You will hate yourself for caring about him. You will hate God for bringing you together. You will probably hate everything that reminds you of him at some point. Take time to grieve. Take time to process what is going on. When you feel like you are overwhelmed, get help. Now for the harder part: Your husband likely has a lot of things that he will need to figure out in his life. This is normal. I would highly suggest him getting help from groups or professional therapy (or both). There are a lot of resources that can help you online, some that I would recommend include: the church's addiction recovery program ( [addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org](http://addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org) ) they have meetings and groups specifically for addicts as well as healing family members. Unashamed Unafraid ( [https://unashamedunafraid.com/](https://unashamedunafraid.com/) ) which is a faith centered online resource specifically for sexual healing through the atonement of Christ. They have online forums, podcasts, and some connections that will help you find a good therapist. Life Changing Services (https://www.lifechangingservices.org ) which is an LDS specific group of folks specializing in helping families recover from individuals acting outside their values. This also includes resources such as individual or group therapy for individuals, spouses, and parents. Many of the groups include people from all over the US, and I believe they are gaining footing in other countries. You are just getting started on your journey of healing. Please, do not try to do it alone. Let Christ bring you peace while you are enduring the unthinkable.
Sister, I’m sorry for your hurt. I do believe part of your pain is justified because of the evils of pornography, and part of your pain comes from unrealistic expectations. Pornography is a sin and that has not and will not change. However, it is also the burden that men carry and work against every day. If you left him to find someone that doesn’t indulge at all, you’ll be single your whole life. Consider pornography to be their version of how we woman behave poorly with PMS or pregnancy. It’s behavior that is sinful and needs to be fought against, but it is extremely difficult because it is hormone based and goes against what our logical brain tells us to do. Men have powerful hormones that try and drive the vehicle of their behavior too. Offer to help. Ask what you can do. He can be accountable to you, if he wants to. But also if he comes to you every time he indulges, you’re going to create an impossible dynamic to get over. He’ll always feel lesser than you and that he owes you for staying with his unworthy self, because he’s fallen and you’re not. Your sex life waste away which means romance will. Bishops don’t tell men who look at porn to stay out of the temple, they tell them to go more. They don’t stop them from taking the sacrament or remove them from callings. They don’t tell them not to give blessings to their family. Which means they are not unworthy. My advice is to forgive now and tell him you forgive him for every time he screws up unless it becomes a dark and evil thing like watching rape or pedophilia. Ask him what role he’d like you to play in keeping his relationship with Jesus strong but don’t force your way into it. You certainly wouldn’t want him to force his way into any of your sins you struggle with just to micromanage, act damaged and betrayed every time you fail. Don’t make it what it isn’t, and work on humility in yourself
I’ve been addicted to porn (42 F) I stopped. Then my husband (52 M) started using it because he got ED. We talked about boundaries and I made it clear it has to stop. We started other methods and meds he only needed temporarily because with prayer it wasn’t needed anymore. It’s been 5 years since and he and I are thriving in our marriage. Porn ruins the way we see our partners during intimacy. It’s cheating. It causes our spouses to compare themselves and us to unrealistic expectations. He may need help thru addiction resources because it definitely sounds like a coping mechanism that he is using to get self gratification. He’s lacking coping mechanisms. He needs to find something else to do other than watching porn. There’s only one reason to watch porn and that is so you can get self gratification. Any other excuse he gives you is lame. Please do not accept that. You can stop if you really want to because I had a problem most of my life with it and I finally said I am no longer going to be a slave to this. If you and him can come to an agreement that he not watch porn and he can stay off of it for one week give him a pat on the back help him feel secure in your marriage. Feeling secure makes you happy because if you’re not being affectionate, he’s gonna go use it because he’s looking for something to fulfill him, but he needs to be fulfilled in himself/Jesus and he needs counseling for that. So I would definitely look into addiction resources that have to do with masturbation and things of that nature. I used resources like that, and I learned that I was very codependent and I had to learn how to pick up healthier coping mechanisms, which I now have. Best of luck.
Addiction is hard. Been there for almost 30 years. Honesty is the best thing. We came up with a system. It was hard for me to let her know where I was at. If I had a relapse or just lingered too long looking at something in the checkout line at the grocery storyle or not. We used a % system. 100% meant all good no issues. 90% could mean feeling triggered or a double take at a magazine rack etc. the important part was that it started dialogue for us and I wasn't just springing it on her. She would ask when she was ready and not in the middle of something. This worked for us. We still use it even though the dark days of fighting the addiction are past. How I overcame it was with the help of my wife and Bishop and 12 step program. She went too as did I as she needed support in different ways then what I did. You are not alone. And his addiction has nothing to do with you nothing. I know that's hard to hear and also accept. But you are his life line right now. I would meet with a Bishop weekly if needs be. Change is hard and at times hurts. I went without all forms of entertainment and computer use for over 8 months and listened to conference talks whenever I was alone or working on projects. I hated it at first and at times felt like I was drowning in the church talks. I love them now. You got this. You have your own healing process as does he but you can both definitely support each other. Keep God in the equation or you'll be another statistical broken marriage. And it is not all on you. He has to take responsibility. I've been clean for 8 years now. It can be done!
My husband struggles with this. My number one piece of advice is to really recognize that this problem has nothing to do with you. It's not happening because he doesn't love you. It's not because you're not good enough. It's an all-him problem. This is helpful because then you can start to be a pillar. When you're going through something hard, he can support you because it's not something that has such huge levels of hurt and shame attached. Remove the hurt, remove the shame. Face the problem with empathy, encourage him to talk to you about when he is struggling and why. He might not want to tell you when he is going through relapses because he doesn't want you to be hurt or take it personally and feel betrayed. So then he hides it, and when you do find it, you feel even more betrayed. Communication and connection are key to helping combat pornography use. One time I was feeling so angry and hurt after an "episode." I felt sick and betrayed. I felt like I could not get over it. Then, in my mind -- my husband was sitting across the room from me, just looking so broken sitting there -- it was as if the Savior stood between me and him. And He said to me, "Forgive me instead. Be angry at me. Because I've already paid the price for this problem. It's my problem now." And I felt my heart soften and now, when my husband tells me he is struggling, my first reaction is concern for his well-being and concern for the pain he experiences. He installed ever accountable on his phone, and I get notifcations when he has a slip. But those are mostly for him to check himself, and I will ask him if he's doing okay and what will help him get to a better headspace.
First of all, you are brave for seeking help; know that his choices aren't your fault. Secondly, you made the decision to stay. Why? What were your reasons? Is it because your love him, feel sympathy for his situation, empathy for his plight? Examine your motivations and see how balanced they are with Gospel principles. We are taught to be forgiving, but you are eligible to recieve revelation to determine your own path. If you act according to the prompting of the Spirit, you wont go wrong. You just have to make darn sure they are from the Spirit. Sometimes when we want something, it feels good. We should and do feel good when we go to the temple. If we, for example, go to the temple seeking confirmation of a thing that we already want and desire, it's hard to distinguish between our own feelings, the Spirit of the temple environment and the actual prompting of the Holy Ghost. Perhaps this is why Moroni's promise asks us to seek the contrarian position: "and when ye shall recieve these things, I would that ye should ask God if these things are NOT true...". If we desire something with real intent and full purpose of heart - meaning we will act on it regardless of our own desires - and then we go to God and ask if it isn't true, it's the same as saying, "Lord, I want this, but am willing to accept your not wanting me to have this...". Then the Spirit will manifest its truthfulness unto [us] by the power of the Holy Ghost.
Verrrry interesting advice here so far.... As a man, some thoughts from my perspective: 1. It's not about you. He wants you. 2. It's a huge coping mechanism for men. One of the many idols we look to for salvation before the true God. It never satisfies and demands more and more until it destroys you. 3. It's not OK. Obviously it hurts your feelings and can destroy your relationship. Contrary to some comments here, I think the church is correct in condemning it. 4. I understand the contrary opinion, but I do think it's an addiction. I'm addicted to Reddit, Ice Cream, and many other things to cope with discomfort. Something to understand about the nature of men: We have massive inherent shame related to caring for our family. We feel like failures VERY easily and spiral out of control quickly. Conversation is not as effective as an outlet. One coping mechanism that women hate is withdrawal. Another is sexual gratification. Men should 'man up' and grow more reliant on God, but it's difficult and goes through waves of success and failure. It's a life-long journey. You deserve to be distant from your husband for this. You deserve to be hurt. He needs to regain trust. BUT, the more he feels like a failure, the harder it will be for him to fight. So I recommend sensitivity in your withdrawal. The more you can show sympathetic understanding WHILE you're feeling hurt, the better he'll do. He's probably a really good guy struggling with completely natural challenges. A word of advice to your husband. 1. Recognize when you're feeling man-shame and be more conscious about how you cope with it. 2. Find positive coping mechanisms to replace the negative ones. Exercise and gospel study are #1. Hobbies. Time to yourself. Don't try to be the hero to the point of exhaustion. 3. Learn to hear your wife's frustrations without thinking she's criticizing you. If she says you're breathing to loud, she's just saying she's completely overwhelmed with life and needs your understanding. 4. If you don't truly have a handle on this, find someone (probably not your wife) to hold you accountable in the moments/places you mess up. text them EVERY time you're in a vulnerable spot before and after to keep you accountable.
Thanks for your comment. It helped me feel more hopeful.
From a wife who’s been going through this for the last four years, this is great advice! Porn is definitely a coping mechanism the way eating your feelings can be. But it’s a bit more destructive overall. One thing that helps my husband is exercising regularly. He gets depressed sometimes and if he has low self-esteem, he’s more likely to look to porn for that easy validation and mood booster. And having him talk to someone besides you is also great advice. Honesty is sooo important but sometimes it can be a lot.
I’ll PM you my experience with my husband :)
Thank you
Pornography is a formidable adversary in the battle of personal struggles. Despite this, your pain is valid and you have every right to feel the way you do. Betrayal from a spouse with adulterous habits is a difficult challenge to face, much like the battle against pornography. I was first exposed to pornography as a young teenager and spent over a decade consuming it, becoming dependent and addicted. By dependence, I mean using it as a coping mechanism when faced with anger, sadness, loneliness, or other hardships. My girlfriend, now wife, discovered my habit and stood by me, offering support. Even at 35 years old, I continue to struggle with this addiction. Pornography is one of the adversary's most effective traps, designed to cause the downfall of individuals and break up families. It ensnares both men and women, holding them captive. If you care for someone struggling with pornography, imagine them as chained, trapped, and ensnared by this destructive habit. Acknowledging that I have taken advantage of my spouse over the years, with occasional lapses justified by my addiction, I realize now that this mindset is dangerous and contributes to the problem. When caught again, I witnessed the pain, frustration, sadness, and disappointment in my partner's eyes as she tried to free me from my bondage. I understood that neither she nor I could make progress until I accepted accountability. It is crucial to hold him responsible and become his accountability partner. Understanding the intensity of this battle, I urge you to fight for your husband, as Satan has him ensnared. Safeguard your marriage and nurturing bond by offering support. Simultaneously, exercise caution, vigilance, and seek discernment. If he is not actively striving alongside you, both of you may be swept away by the overwhelming currents. He will drown in his addiction and you will drown trying to save him. Resulting in a lost marriage. Porn is a drug and millions are addicted. I would say that healing is possible BUT only with honesty, commitment and hard from the both of you. I know you didn’t ask for this, just like my wife didn’t. It’s his battle to conquer and He’s going to need all the help he can get. But imo the two best things to have in your corner is #2, A Loving, supporting wife, and #1 the Mighty Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the Breaker of Chains. Without him at center of this issue, it will be nearly impossible. I’m hoping and praying for you guys. My love to you guys. PS There is a member of the church who specializes in this. You can google “Like dragons did they fight” by Maurice W Harker. He specializes in Pornography for all but especially Members of the Church and uses BOM scripture. Put your shoulder to the wheel; Push along!
Thanks for your comment. It truly helped a lot and knowing that we can get through it together.
I wish I had seen this earlier. Anyway, as the husband who used porn for 20+ years, quit, and is still happily married, here are a few thoughts that might help: 1. Your feelings are real and valid. He has betrayed your trust in a very personal and devastating way. It probably wasn't intentional, but it's still real. It is fine to feel betrayed, disgusted, hurt, and/or angry. 2. Your husband's porn use has nothing to do with you. He used before you were married, and has probably used regularly since you got married. It's a him problem, not a you problem. 3. His use is probably a coping mechanism he built into his life to deal with stress, anxiety, or other strong emotions. It's not about sex, it's about trying to feel better or rmdeal with strong emotions. 4. It's okay to set boundaries and expectations. When my wife caught me, she told me to either get help, or she was leaving with the kids. She didn't want to be my accountability partner, or know anything about my recovery process, other than when I had to become where and that I was actively working to quit. He needs boundaries, and actual consequences, to help facilitate change. 5. You can't do it alone. He'll need external accountability for a while, and someone he can confide in; a friend, a priesthood leader, a support group, a family member. You'll need support, too. Don't try to navigate this alone. 6. The process takes time. It took me about 5 years to quit. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Have patience. Best of luck.
Thank you for your comment. It fills me with hope!
Any time I see a simple explanation for an addiction, I don’t buy it. You might be simplifying for our sake, but there’s basically always emotional trauma and often other kinds as well. Not feeling confident doesn’t come from nowhere, and a good therapist should be able to help get to some of the emotional issues at the root of this. Sin comes from a place of deep unmet needs, and the need is not sex.
Okay I'll be the bad cop. It's uncomfortable truth time, for many in this thread. You want to fix his porn problem? Assuming this is your average good guy, YOU need to become his porn. A majority of modern women have no idea what it's like to be a man, or how to take care of HIS needs. They don't care. Generations of ideological indoctrination has seen to that. Your biological process hits once a month? Ours hits near daily. Couple that with the last 3+ generations eradicating masculinity/emasculating men with negative daily reminders of things like "men only think about one thing", and you have a perfect storm of shame and the most predictable outcome. Women marry men they're not TRULY attracted to. They get with the "nice guy" for security, the ones that were taught their masculinity/biological urges are gross and they need to "sit down and shut up". Men get sexually trapped with women who barely take care of their needs. You want to see porn use plummet? Step up ladies and do your wifely duty. More importantly, learn and empathize how important a duty it is, because it's worse if you fake it. You feel betrayed? Imagine marrying and then finding out your wife says she loves you, but she'll rarely actually show it in the way that you biologically NEED it. And you want to be good, so you don't cheat. Porn is the only true release, and that's incredibly sad. Ignore what your husband says, he's been conditioned his entire life, just like you have. His body NEEDS it. His love language... is sex. Don't like it? Well he doesn't like going to work every day to provide. But he does it. Match his effort. I'll take my ignorant downvotes now, but hopefully at least a few of you will be like Alma listening to Abinadi, and the change can ripple. Stop screwing your man... and start screwing your man. If you aren't having sex often, then you're roommates, not spouses. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk76BzL4sxM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk76BzL4sxM) (part of a larger video) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImoTmr2bmp4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImoTmr2bmp4) (part of an excellent marriage book)
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