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I was going through a messy divorce.
All my mother had to say about it was "People in our family don't get divorced." I replied "No, they don't. They co-exist in misery till death do them part." An epic tantrum followed.
This was really the final straw. I was a mess. My mental health was at an all time low. I had the worst heartbrake of my life and on top of it was sued for half my possessions including my business by my soon-to-be ex. All my mother cared about was what people would think about our family when I get divorced.
I really needed my mother at that point in my life but like always I was disappointed. I went NC shortly after.
I'm not in a relationship but I feel you! My parents have always been the same, looking down on divorced people like they're scum. Like, maybe we would all be better off if you *did* leave each other ffs.
My parents 100% should have divorced. Their marriage is pretty dysfunctional but has lasted so long they are co dependant. Their marriage is a huge factor in why they are the way they are. They too look down on divorced people, despite my mother being a divorcee herself! And yet, I know so many people who have divorced and then gone on to have much healthier and functioning relationships than the ones my parents and others who insist on keeping the marriage going to the bitter end.
Had an almost identical experience. I see you, Sibling. They don't care about us as individuals at all. We were born to be their show ponies, reflect glory upon them in their circles.
My nmom would not let my SG sister tell our grandmother that she was divorced. My GC *brother* on the other hand, had three divorces and the entire extended family knew. Grandmother didn’t care one way or the other.
For me it was a death by a thousand cuts. Thousands of small instances of invalidation, rudeness, negativity, and gaslighting. I finally had enough of feeling like they were draining all of my energy away while never ever giving back. I am now low contact.
This is exactly how I feel. My incident yesterday was truly the icing on the cake, but all of these little digs have left me a hollow shell. I cannot do it anymore.
I feel exactly the same. I'm low contact with my dad, and I guess with my mom as well, but I really want to be no contact with her. I hate her irrationally much - my blood boils just being near her.
Same for me, I ended up so drained with no energy for anything and sat back and thought how did I get here. There is just a feeling of not being able to do it anymore, not another day, not another second.
When I was living with her during covid she started devaluing me big time. Calling me names, and then giving me the silent treatment. I overheard her on the phone badmouthing me to relatives as well. 2 days before the end of the month she woke me up from a nap yelling and screaming accusing me of being on drugs. Threw the money that I paid her in rent in my face and called her landlady and told her I had brought drugs into the home (with zero evidence) and I would be moving out.
I booked a flight across the country to stay with my dad but neglected to take my bipolar pills and ended up having the manic episode for the ages and ended up at the psych ward. I called her on the hospital phone to yell at her and she laughed out loud. She was genuinely happy that I ended up there. That's when I knew she was dead to me.
But it still took some time from going no contact to low contact and back to no contact again. But I have never seen her in person since she kicked me out that day back in 2021.
Thanks! It wasn't the first time shes done shit like that to me but I tolerated with a lot more when I was younger. Yeah much better place now that I don't have to rely on her for a place to sleep anymore lol
My Dad tried SO hard to get his nwife to love him, and received only the most cruel and hideous verbal abuse in return. When their 25th wedding anniversary approached, my siblings announced they wanted to throw a party. N”mom” said, no way, she would not come, and “Who would want to celebrate being married to THAT?” Later I found a sheet of paper where he was practicing his signature for the card he was going to give her. With love, all my love, etc., etc.
That was it.
My instinct tells me to say I’m sorry for making you sad. But I believe we’re all here because we have such a sadness overload, and we just don’t know how it will manifest itself today. Thanks for saying, and for being here.
Veering off a bit, but I didn’t realize how good I had it when I knew the manifestation would just be tears. So many harmful habits and mental illness. Therapy and drugs have done dick-all.
Wow, this just breaks my heart.
My father suffered similarly for almost twenty years with my nmom and then, after they divorced, was harassed and sued for another twenty until he died relatively young, having never found the enduring true love his big, bleeding heart so desired. You story reminds me of some of the heart-wrenching things I found in his belongings after he passed. Letters he wrote her when he was still desperately trying to curry her love and attention, horrible abuse and threats she heaped upon him before and after they divorced.
Such an injustice that he's dust in the wind and she's still alive, spreading her toxicity.
This sub is filled with such good people. My world does not have people in it who would believe my story much less understand it. I’m happy and sad that you could reflect it back to me so perfectly. Maybe the word is bittersweet. Thanks for being here.
My dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 6 months prior to this event. He was smoke free for over 20 years, but my Nmother refused to quit or even smoke outside. She used to talk literally about smokers being a dying minority and was proud of her habit.
It was the middle of June, Dad was on an oxygen tank, and she just lit up two feet from him while I was visiting.
When I confronted her, she responded with "Why would I go outside? He's dying anyway." Within earshot, and he heard.
He died 3 days later.
I didn't see her again until 10 years after, when she was being handed to me as ashes in a box. She has never been missed by anyone.
Edit: words
I only got half because legally, I had to split them with my Nsister. I didn't want her ashes- but I also knew it would have torn her and her immediate family up if I wouldn't let her entire body be buried together. That felt good.
I dumped half into an unmarked hole on my property. The other half is in a small Tupperware in a shoebox in the back half of my closet for the foreseeable future- because that's where my childhood died.
My final straw was on my birthday a few years ago. After a whole year of NC (because another birthday call incident) she called and I told her I only had 15 minutes because I needed to go on a hike. Well, 45 minutes came and went and I couldn’t get a word in and I was so upset. Finally I just had enough and told her it was enough. But a big part of why she called was to commiserate about something instead of wishing me a happy birthday, something she didn’t wish me the year before nor that year. So, since my hike was ruined (it was now too hot in the day to leave), and I was at my end with her, I decided to tell her a few things she was very wrong about and hung up. I proceeded to get calls from other family members, *not* wishing me a happy birthday, but telling me how awful of a daughter I was, and it was a perfect list of who to block. In later weeks and months I got calls and emails from a few family members congratulating me as word got out…so take that as you will.
>I proceeded to get calls from other family members, *not* wishing me a happy birthday, but telling me how awful of a daughter I was, and it was a perfect list of who to block.
It's great when the trash takes itself out.
Got her tulips instead of roses for Mother’s Day last year with the last little bit of money I had. She called me evil, selfish, a disgrace, and that she always resented me because I didn’t even think about what she likes, apparently. I’ll never forget the heartbreak after feeling so proud/excited to surprise her with something I thought she would be happy about. I was wrong and I haven’t seen her since. It was the beginning of realizing a lot of shit hadn’t been normal growing up
That's why this group has been so helpful. You share a story, and others have had their own similar experiences. You get validating feedback. From that, you realize *I did do something really nice in offering the tulips.* Normal people would have loved that gift, and normal people realize it was a beautiful gesture.
From that, you know you're not the crazy one. That going NC is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and the people around you who actually care about you.
One year for Christmas I deviated from her usual perfume. It was similar to one she wore years ago that had been discontinued. I was excited to give it to her knowing it would remind her of the discontinued one. It wasn’t inexpensive, costing over $100. She opened it and said, oh. Then 6 months later she pitched a childish fit, saying you gave me X perfume and I wanted this one instead. About a week later, her neighbor gave her a compliment on her new fragrance. That was the day she fell in love with the fragrance. They are sick individuals. We can give it our all, spend our hard earned money, it’s never good enough. But if someone else compliments them on the gift THEN it’s a good gift.
The timing of this post is amazing, as my final straw moment was yesterday. I lost my precious dog last week and have been having a really rough time. I couldn’t have children, and that dog has been my everything for 13 years. My narc mother has been lukewarm about the whole thing, but yesterday had the balls to say, “These things happen. I guess I’m stronger than you because my father died when I was 8.” I put my phone down and haven’t looked at it since.
Mine asked if I was going to get a new pet after I had to put my beloved cat down the night before. People and animals are just things to them and we are just one of those things.
Of course they think its absurd when we have any kind of emotional reaction, it's like if you sat on a toilet and it angrily told you to get off of it. We are just toilets to them to dump their abusive bullshit
So true about people/animals being objects to them. My disgusting mother asked me if I was going to give my cat away now since its grown(1.5 years at the time), and get a kitten instead because they are cuter.
So glad to be NC. These people don't deserve our time.
Nothing quite says 'I'm a narcissist' like asking for empathy/sympathy and getting one-upmanship responses back. This is why becoming a Gray Rock to such people works, it doesn't give them much to shame you, blame you or game you with. Quit expecting sympathy from someone that can't see life from another POV.
Gray rocking has been so helpful for me; I hope it helps you too. The best part is my nparent is so self-obsessed she hasn’t figured out I’ve been grey rocking for a full year.
I think it very much depends on the narcissist. Grey rocking often works with my narcissistic mother but it doesn't work with my narcissistic aunt. Whenever I try to ignore my aunt or not react, she just escalates her behaviour until I can't ignore it. That's why I had to go no contact with my aunt.
What's weird is they apply deeper meaning to your silence. You can play neutral because getting involved just causes heart ache, and they see your neutrality and think you're scheming against them. It's really odd behavior.
I haven't experienced that but many narcissists are paranoid and a bit delusional so I can see how that would happen. One thing that can work is grey rocking in combination with acting all nice and making small talk. Also asking the narcissist about themselves often works. Narcissists love to talk about themselves and the whole time they're talking, they're not harassing you.
Edited to add: if you've already tried this and it didn't work, then feel free to ignore me.
Same with my Ndad. If I don't actively engage, he knows what I'm doing and gets upset because I'm not filling his tank with my energy.
These types are a black hole, quite literally. They suck up all the energy in the room, constantly needing more. If they aren't getting it, they push even harder but are never satisfied.
Yeah I've encountered that type. It's like they're itching for a fight and they're going to fight with you no matter how hard you try to avoid it. I think no contact is probably the only solution for those people.
She's so busy talking, and involved with herself, she doesn't recognize that for a year, every reply is the same: "No", "Yes", "Maybe", "Uh-Huh" and the best one: "Buh-Bye".
I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you can give yourself time to heal. It is ok and even expected that you will mourn your dog for a while, no matter what your Nparent (or the voice they installed in your head) may say. I have no doubt you gave your friend an incredible life and that they loved you completely. Take care of yourself.
It took me two years to be ready to offer a home to another cat after losing my two cats in 2012. Other folks find adopting again relatively quickly to be helpful. No one can tell you which is true for you except you. For me personally for the first couple of years when I looked in shelters for my next cat I only looked for cats who looked just like the ones I had just lost. I took that as a sign I wasn’t really ready yet, and waited until I was ready to see the entire cat, not just their coat color.
I had just brought my 3rd baby home from 2 weeks in the NICU after her lung collapsed. We'd been lc for over a year before this because of some things she did/said to my kids when we visited the summer before & some things she admitted she'd done to me a decade prior that turned the stage lights on in my head & revealed the depth of her manipulation. She'd sent flying monkeys after me during my very high risk pregnancy because I wasn't sharing details with her - or anyone but my husband & best friend. We'd been home just a few hours when she went OFF in a group text to me & my husband about how she was tired of our leftovers trickling down to her (she was referring to information about my pregnancy & the baby's health... I was a stressed out wreck for the entire NICU stay while trying to still be there for my scared & confused older kiddos - 7f & 3m - left at home & my husband had taken over communicating with everyone so I could focus on recovering & being with the baby as much as possible), how my kids DESERVED her, etc.... full on essay about how horrible we were & about how she's done with us & wants no part of our lives anymore. We were stunned... we'd literally JUST gotten home from the NICU with our fragile little baby & she felt this was the time to go the fuck off. My husband & I both texted her back about how she was out of line & then she decided to apologize ONLY to my husband - in a group text that was sending everything to me as well - & doubled down on how ungrateful I was & how our family (specifically my maternal extended family) stick together no matter what & just a load of crap continuing to neg me while being apologetic to him. I turned off my phone & didn't look at her messages for over a week because I was just done... couldn't believe that she'd choose the one moment of peace we'd felt in months of stress, pain, worry, & agony to rip me to shreds & then continue to disregard me while apologizing to my husband. He encouraged me to avoid looking at her texts (she continued on for days after this convo speaking directly to him in the group text) until I was mentally ready because she was playing the victim card HARD & he knew it would upset me. I finally felt ready after almost 2 more weeks & everything she'd been saying didn't disappoint. I read through all of the trash she'd said & just felt... nothing. I was done. So I typed out a very long, detailed message letting her know that she was no longer welcome in my life or the life of my children just like she'd said she wanted in that initial attack text. She begged & pleaded for a few days, apologized for a number of horrible things she did to me during my childhood (while ignoring some of the even more grievous), told me she'd change, etc. I told her that I hope she does change for her own sake, but that it'll be a loooooong process if she actually takes it seriously & we won't be sticking around to continue being abused by her. She started harassing my in laws & my stepmom trying to get them to intervene on her behalf, got my aunt (her sister) to send her photos of the kids - which got me off of social media completely - had my aunt trying to guilt me into forgiveness because it's hurting HER, & has called, video called, DMed on IG, DMed on FB, emailed, & sent letters in the mail acting like absolutely nothing has happened & she's my best friend in the whole world.
Yeah, amazing how the enablers are totally fine with YOU being the meat shield — but the second the narc’s ire turns on THEM because you’re not around, it’s like the world is ending.
Fuck your aunt.
My last straw was when l visited this year. I hadn't seen her since September 2022. She put her needs first, gave me insults, and berating on how she didn't spend every second of the day with me (I was with my husband, wanted to show him around my hometown). I was tired after that interaction, there is no teaching nparents anything. Put yourself first, I am 26 as well. I also blocked my nmom on everything. It's been 6 weeks, and she doesn't care. She has her golden child, so l focus on the family that matters, which is the one I am building.
My covert narc Nana was the same way: if Mom didn’t spend every waking moment with her, Nana would “punish” her with passive aggressive comments and the silent treatment.
I don’t miss her.
I went to help her after years of LC and considerable expense when she had her knee replaced. She got mad that I was calling her out when she was ignoring the doctor’s orders. After asking me “what did I ever do to you”, I asked her if she really wanted to know. I’m sure you all can guess her responses to all the incidents that I could recall.
Then she loudly locked the door when I left to wait for the taxi.
I learned before I went NC that, "What did I ever do to you?" is only meant to start some shit. She has asked me that exactly once since we have been LC. I like to think I gave her the best impression of her fuck off stare as I looked her in the eyes until she looked away. I doubt she will ask that again
We had another blow out fight. Now, I see her like 3 times a year for the last 16 years or so, and we have a fight like this every time. It's always my fault, 100% of course.
So after this fight, we are about to leave abruptly. And my step dad and husband were involved. And basically, everyone is like, just have faith that it will get better, and don't leave like this.
I'm like, I don't want to get hurt again, but f**king fine, guess I'll just give it my best *again.* And we agree that when there's an issue going forward, we will address it as soon as possible, apologize, and all that.
Then, everything is great for a few hours. Just wonderful. The mom I deserved for a few hours.
We meet up with another family member though. And she makes a strongly worded comment. My mom deeply nods her head in agreement with this person.
Then, I add a supporting point to that comment, agreeing with them.
But then, my mom disagrees with me profoundly. Shuts me down and makes me seem like an insensitive psycho. And once again, embarrasses me. Fails to stand up for me. Maliciously putting me down in front of others for her own sick purposes.
Wow, after I just put my heart out there AGAIN. Chop! Right in half. Well, I don't wanna make it all awkward, and I'm new to standing up for myself, so I decide, f!@k, I'll just wait til I'm home, call her and talk about it on the phone.
It's several days since I left. I call her. Bring up the situation. Clear as day, I lay up the story for her, reminding her what happened. I'm wrong to agree with her and the other person. But she twists and twists and deflects, and won't name that point. Once again, she takes the opportunity to make me out as an insensitive psycho.
Either that, or 22 years ago when she cried at my molestor's funeral. I shouldda just ended the relationship then.
The last 2 straws.
My final straw was when I was 9 months pregnant. I had an issue and wanted her to come to the ER with me for moral support. She yelled at me and told me I was being ridiculous, and she wasn’t coming because she was busy cleaning her kitchen. She seems to think that because her pregnancy went smoothly, I must just be making shit up with I have a complication or am worried. I went to the ER by myself without any support and had a panic attack. Later, my mom faked concern and asked if everything was okay. I told her I was tired of trying to reach out to her for support when all she does is hurt me. This offended her, because obviously she’s a perfect mom and a perfect person, and how dare I criticize her. To “punish” me, she didn’t speak to me for the rest of my pregnancy, didn’t call or text the whole week I was in the hospital, didn’t even check in when I came home with the baby. She has missed the first several weeks of my daughter’s life and still hasn’t so much as texted to see if we’re okay. I did everything to try and include her and to have a good relationship, but this is what I get for befriending a scorpion. Honestly she can just fucking rot in her misery. I’ve had enough.
I received an email character assassination for having the absolute audacity of not answering my phone or returning her call within a two hour window. Seems so small but it really was a moment where I realised how much she hated me and saw me as her property/emotional punch bag.
I never realized how bad it was until they both died and I found such relief. It bubbles up quite often, the things they both did. I am glad they are gone
My final straw was just a couple of weeks ago..
I'm 25(f) and my narc dad had been drinking a lot (not that it makes any difference to how he behaves as he's just as bad sober).
My Boyfriend was at mine and we were trying to cook rice for dinner kept unplugging the rice cooker and telling me I don't tidy up after myself blah blah which is untrue.
In the end he was in a fit of a rage and just berating me as a person telling me he wants nothing to do with me telling to F off and leave repeatedly.
I walked away in tears.
My poor boyfriend had to go back downstairs to finish the rice wants it was cooked and he said to my boyfriend "I am sorry about her there's only so much I can take".
I just could not be gas lit anymore.
Done with him picking fights with me and then turning around and saying I am the awful person he can't handle.
He beat me up for 4 years ago to the point i thought i was gonna die and he said was stopping me from killing myself I should of walked away then but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I will never get the closure I deserve and I don't think he thought I'd actual take control and leave.
I feel amazing for walking away.
It's his birthday today and I don't miss him.
Oh man, your post reminds me of Dr. Ramani’s video on why you should never call a narcissist out.
Give it a watch, it’s so validating and I don’t even bother arguing with them anymore. [video here](https://youtu.be/SPNf0YqM8lU?si=9XUkyVGsg_vOlkOL)
I had an arrangement where my son was allowed to go on trips with her, but only arranged through my husband. She treated my son VERY well and he adored her so I was afraid to cut off their relationship, as he's a sentient individual and I didn't think I should be making decisions on his relationships for him.
One day when my husband picked him up from his weekend with "grandma", my husband brought me a small cardboard box and said that she'd given it to him to give to me. Inside were a few of my brother's pristinely kept toys. She'd said "I found some of her old toys and thought she might want them".
For context, after a night of abuse, I'd called my dad to pick me up from my mom's house and she IMMEDIATELY retaliated by throwing ALL of my belongings away. She threw away ALL of my toys in spectacular display and I was very attached to many of them. I lamented not having them to give to my kids many times so, when I foolishly thought that she had kept them secretly to give to me later, I was CRUSHED to see that it was my brother's. Of course she kept HIS in perfect condition, then rubbed them in my face when I hadn't even spoken to her in years vicariously through my own son. He didn't even like his toys. She kept his toys that he didn't care about and demolished mine that I still miss to this day. And, if she wasn't trying to make a dig at me, that would mean that she either didn't remember her huge display of throwing all of my things away AND didn't even know that they weren't my toys at all.
I have kids. I know whose toys are whose. I know which ones are their favorites. And, if one of them were to leave home for any reason, I would cling to them. Not only because they might want them someday, but also because I love my children and would see their toys as invaluable keepsakes and snapshots of the past.
But her? No idea whose was whose, threw mine away in a fit of spite, and had the absolute gal to send me my brother's useless shit in place of them.
I sent her texts to tell her how extremely low that was of her and that, if she could give me back everything she threw away (and hold my brother accountable for the extreme abuse she totally condoned and continues to condone, but I digress), maybe I'll speak to her again.
I had to rip off the band aid with my son. He misses her but she uses him as a bridge to continue to hurt me and I can't handle having her in my life. I spiraled that night and I didn't like having my son see me like that after he'd had a great weekend. I just try to take him on more trips to make up for the ones she was taking him on. He deserves those good memories and to not see his mom in shambles. I made sure to tell him that it wasn't his fault at all and that he's what makes me happy. I haven't explained to him the whole dynamic because he is too young to understand yet. Someday I plan to, but for now I have to say she's busy when he asks why he hasn't seen her.
In my eyes, she abandoned him. She wasn't willing to be cordial. She wasn't willing to hold her son accountable. The door can always be opened if she wants to, but she will not accept my conditions, so she leaves it closed at his expense. Every time she reaches out to whine about how she loves me and is sad that i cut contract, I remind her with a stock message that she made and continues to make the choice to abandon me and all of my kids. She's like that meatloaf song: "I would do anything for love... but I won't do that".
Funny how they all demand forgiveness. How about a damn apology?!
My NM tried to monopolize my time. She would call me several times a day wanting to talk for hours. I had 4 kids and a husband! I ignored her calls during dinner one night. She tried again during cleanup. Then as I was putting the littles to bed. I never returned the call that night. Of course she starts early the next day. It’s a school day and I’m busy so I ignore it. The next call she left me a nasty voicemail. That was it! I was done. That was 10 years ago.
My final straw moment was her texting me a guilt trip when she saw I went to my nephew’s preschool graduation. A photo of me, my wife, and my nephew in his cap and gown made its way to Facebook and she saw it, and felt the need to text me and tell me how I never want to see her anymore, that she’s all alone and I don’t make the effort, but I’d go to my nephew’s graduation no problem.
I told her I couldn’t deal with this at work, and put her notifications on silent. When I checked it an HOUR later I had dozens of messages berating me, telling me how horrible of a son I am, how could I do this to her, she’s all alone and I’m abandoning her, *after all she’s done for me!!!*
I was only giving myself a chance to cool off, putting her messages on silent, just not in the mood for another one of her drama fueled rampages on a Monday morning. In the brief silence I gave her, she absolutely melted down, and continued to for DAYS.
I never replied to her messages or calls again, and that was almost a year ago now. She has sent me multiple Amazon packages, a typed letter in the mail, and literally hundreds of calls, voicemails, emails, and texts. I had to block her on every platform I could possibly think of, as well as her myriad burner numbers and accounts.
I thought for years I didn’t have a breaking point, that I could just deal with her abuse, time and time again. But she fucked with my relationship with my nephew. I fucking *LOVE* that kid, so much, and to turn a proud moment of his into another guilt trip? That was the tipping point, and I don’t regret a thing besides not cutting her off sooner.
When I confronted her about her smear campaign and asked her not to go to our mutual coworkers and complain about me. Only for her to send emails about the “confrontation” to coworkers not even a half hour into the work day.
That was the final straw telling me to get out of her house.
But I’ve learned that she takes spells where she’s fine, and I can tolerate it. It just bubbles under the surface, though, and she explodes later. (Lesson clearly not learned, I guess.)
My husband called out my nsister’s shitty behavior while driving us back to our hotel. She decided to text my family accusing him of drunk, erratic driving and being verbally abusive. When we pull up to the hotel my ndad came running up in my face screaming at me and threatening my husband and I while punching his hand in front of my face. All in front of other family and strangers in the lobby. Luckily my husband was parking the car and wasn’t a part of it. Seeing how easily she was willing to spin a terrible lie after being called out, and the fact that my dad was so comfortable being aggressive and in my face (especially when he thought I was a victim at that point?) was just too much. It was after a whole weekend of witnessing their terrible toxic behavior and tearing others apart so it was just super super clearly the end for me. Not going to continue to expose myself and my family to that if I don’t have to.
my mom is also obsessed with forgiveness. I’m sorry yours also wielded forgiveness as a weapon in order for her to continue her abuse.
My “last straw” moment was her reaction to my autism diagnosis. For every rebuttal she had, I showed her studies, articles, and books that proved her wrong. It wasn’t my intention to prove her wrong but to validate my own diagnosis but she turned it into a boxing match, her, a woman with no education on the matter except for stereotypes, and me and my extensive research, my therapist/psychologist, and the diagnosis.
She finally got tired of me proving her wrong and told me I was clearly addicted to reading and needed to go to rehab. She twisted it so that she made me out to be a highly disturbed, delusional person who chose books over living life and responsibility.
This was what broke me. I don’t know why, because she has done so much worse. But that was the moment I was done.
Like you, I felt like I had been done many times before but this time was different. You can feel the difference in yourself when you finally emotionally accept what you’ve known intellectually. That they are incapable of loving us. It sucks. I hope you have good support to help you through this.
>She twisted it so that she made me out to be a highly disturbed, delusional person who chose books over living life and responsibility.
If it's any consolation, my nMother tries to portray me the exact same way. I've always been an introvert who enjoys hobbies like reading and playing computer games and my nMother has always used this fact to portray me as a weird, anti-social loner.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I've been living out this exact same interaction in slow motion and goodness is it ROUGH.
I came out to mom as trans, and her immediate reaction was "I read some things about how it's just PTSD and I refuse to accept this until you look at the PTSD." and then she didn't believe my therapist when that's his literal area of expertise. Then it was "This whole process is harder for me than it is for you." Then "I don't care what name you want to go by I just don't feel respected by the process."
It's like we're not allowed to be the experts in our own conditions. Like we need their *permission* to be different.
Two moments.
The time I, a fucked-up teenager, standing in the kitchen, was trying to lay my frustrations out to my eDad, and I said "her" so she came running out of the living room with a plate of honey on toast and slammed it in my face. It was such a surreal pie-gag moment that it broke a lot of illusions.
And then the time, after I'd left home, we went out to celebrate their wedding anniversary and the entire conversation bounced around the full array of bigotry and hatred and I sat and looked at them and realised I just ... despised them. And they would despise me if they ever knew me.
I am the oldest. When I (18 at the time) left the house my brother (16 at the time) became the goat. He took, and still take the abuse, but I went NC after my bothers ex-wife (whom I trust) told me a story about an incident that recently happened that for me, was the last straw.
I went to visit my parents in early 2011 and was my at the door by my brother. He tells me this crazy story about how he and his wife had come over to my parents and were talking about the price of denture cream going up sharply (my dad and bro have genetic teeth problems that cause them to have full dentures in their early 30s) when my mom lays into him for "whatever" reason. My brother is immediately triggered (as i would be) and starts arguing back. Once second he was talking about denture cream, the next he is being told how much of a piece of shit he is.
My dad (the enabler) gets in my brothers face for talking to my mom poorly. My dad starts pushing him around the house and eventually shoves him through a glass door while my brother had not lifted a finger in his defense. After he gets pushed through the door, our parents call the cops and have him arrested for breaking their property.
Under no circumstances would I have believed this story at face value. My brother is an instigator and a liar like our mom, but his ex verified the entire thing. She said that my bro walked in and it felt like they were on him immediately. He was through the door and the cops were there before things started to settle down.
At that point, i had enough. I walked out and didn't look back. I still talked to my brother until the only person tethering him to reality left him. After that he abused my trust and endangered my family during stay with us when he had nowhere else to go.
Later that year, my first kid was born and my parents went 8 years without seeing any kids from me. We went LC 4 years ago and the relationship is "contained". My mom and brother know where my line is, and the know im out again if they pull ANY bullshit
This was wayyy back in 1994. I did not know was narcissism was, I had no connection to groups like this one. I knew mother was mentally sick, but nothing more than that.
She was also legitimately sick: dying of cancer. She had destroyed our finances over the years, so the only option was for me to move home to care for her (father was an emotionally absent alcoholic, who was much older than her, so I was their last resort). I really didn't think twice about it, but in retrospect I see how she manipulated everything to make it about her. I didn't see it then, but she was delighted to be destroying my life.
Anyway, at some point she gleefully recounted how glad she was that I "learned my lesson" about being on my own, given how absolutely miserable I had been during a summer internship I had with the national park service during college.
Thing was, I had not been miserable. I had a great time. It was fun and I met all kinds of great people and lived near a large city with all kinds of museums and music venues, a real haven for college students. I had written her a lot about how much fun I was having. I think she was jealous and hated the idea that I did anything without her.
I sat there and it was like someone pulled up the blinds so I could really see the (metaphorical) filth I was living in. She was lying and trying to gaslight me, and I realized that there was no possible way she did not know that. She had a malicious expression, waiting for me to argue with her, so she could *convince* me of how miserable I was.
But the light had come into my life, and I knew then that nothing I did or said would change her. Nothing. Not taking care of her as she died, not cleaning up her messes, not living at her beck and call, not taking the abuse she dished out. I felt completely blank, as if all my frustrations had drained out of my body (at least for the moment).
I looked at her and thought, *You are dying. I will outlive you. I will be happy without you. I WILL WIN.*
I don't know what the expression was on my face at the time, but Mother saw something there, as she shut up and left the room and did not talk to me for the rest of the day. Things dragged on but that was the moment I basically "broke up" with her and stopped trying. She knew it too, and kept up her tricks, but the final straw had been drawn. I simply did not care anymore.
Six gruesome months later, she was dead. Yeah, I still needed therapy, I was very broken by her, but also: **I WON.**
Two years ago during a new time period in therapy. I went in to therapy a day after my mom had insulted my appearance and when I told my therapist about it I broke down and cried for the entire hour and she stayed an extra half hour after my appointment ended to help me calm down.
I finally realized how truly fucked up it is that my mother never has had anything kind to say about me. I also realized she was trying to ruin my marriage by saying things to me and planting seeds of terrible ideas in my head. She was jealous because my husband’s parents are so incredible so she tried to turn me against them and my husband. Because I’d rather spend holidays with them.
The final straw was her demanding to see me on my birthday shortly after all that. I was over it. And after she tried to gaslight me and said “so sorry I cared about your bday” after I told her I was busy and didn’t have time to deal with her. Then she asked “can you tell me what I did wrong so I don’t have to wonder the rest of my life?” Typical narc drama so I sent her a long explanation as to why I didn’t want to be around her and that I’d be taking a step back unless she did the emotional work she desperately needs to do. Haven’t heard a peep outside of the flying monkeys and her trying to ruin my career.
This is horrible and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Why do narcs always insult our appearance? Mine always insulted my teeth and they are still my biggest insecurity to this day.
Why are they all so teeth obsessed? My mom would still be holding my braces over me if we were still in contact. Yeah appearance related comments were her domain. She constantly dragged every stranger that walked by. It’s why I still to this day get worried people are judging me like that.
Yup the braces were a huge issue in my house too! She loved to say, “I should have never spent my hard-earned money on those teeth of yours, they didn’t turn out how I wanted them to”. I didn’t know what I did wrong.
Do we have the same mom? 😂 Mine was upset because my teeth shifted a bit afterward. They still look alright and don’t bother me but she would disagree with my assessment.
*Edit for spelling.
When I was 27 I confronted my parents about the abuse I’d been suffering my entire life and my sperm donor said, and this is verbatim, “so what, my dad hit me everyday”.
That was the moment it clicked, and it clicked immediately when the words “so what” came out of his mouth. They don’t care. They never cared. They won’t ever care about me.
It’s been 19 years since I spoke to either of them.
My final straw moment was when I was going through a major mental health crisis. With the help of my partner I was finally looking at my buried childhood trauma.
I wanted to talk to my ndad about it. I still felt like if we talked it out and I understood why he did the things he did we could have a relationship.
My ndad replied with the usual, “sorry you feel that way”, “If you don’t want to be a victim, don’t act like one”, “we’re all responsible for our own feelings”, and the real nail in the coffin, “take care of your boyfriend”. Because my ndad has always believed and taught me that a man’s needs come first. Basically “indulging” my mental issues was selfish and negligent of my partner.
I told him to never call me or visit. If he wanted to talk to me it would only be through email and he knew what we needed to talk about FIRST before our relationship could continue.
My MIL tried reconnecting us a bunch of times and getting news about my life to share with him. But I just told her I would not speak with him or share anything about my life. He’d lost the privilege of being in my life and, unfortunately by proxy, so had she.
They’ve both passed now and I have no regrets about being NC for over a decade with them. I told him the requirements for restarting our relationship. It was his choice to not reach out.
My final straw was when my nmom was executing my departed grandmother's estate and lied about the dates of my grandmother's amendments to her will to try and make it seem like nmom hadn't been intentionally (and partially) disinherited but that it was all an accident of covid isolation and my grandmother's later, light dementia. Nmom tried to keep the will and financials from the other beneficiaries and say that we should all agree to let her modify the will and give our inheritance to her to make up for the 'accident'. I had to hire an attorney to demand the documents and reporting she was legally required to provide and ultimately tell her, "lol, no. Perform your fiduciary duty or get sued."
To this day I'm not sure if nmom was intentionally deceiving us, or if she herself believes her version of events as a way to avoid the psychic injury that would come from admitting that her mother (my grandmother) ultimately saw her for the mean, controlling narc she is. And I don't really care. Good riddance.
On Dec 26th last year my mother was harassing me with horrible texts and phone calls where she was silent on but kept calling me. I was getting ready to go meet my friend who lives abroad and was home for Christmas. Her last text message to me read "you will never see me again I'm done and I'm heartbroken" so I got really upset and called my dad, and he told me to block her so I did and it will remain that way. I thought "fuck this, she can eat her own words now and it's her saying them".
She apparently has since tried to "reach out" to me not realising I've blocked her, and it will remain that way forever. I'm done with her games and abuse. I'm still very angry and upset that she's abandoned me but I know it's for the best for me.
Needless to say, I've been the perfect child and adult daughter but never good enough for her. I rarely went wrong and did all the right things. She has since lied about a cancer scare to get me to talk to her (I think anyway as her appointments were cancelled and haven't been rescheduled). I've also started telling her sister (my aunt) just how bad things with her are. They've also fallen out but tbh after 31 years of her treatment and abuse I'm no longer hiding the truth from those who ask.
My father killed the dog i trained. Im allergic to dogs but seeing how his vicious Chihuahua had issues, i trained it. She was perfectly behaved after 1.5 years. She knew tricks, didn't tug on the leash, wouldn't bite, didn't bark much, and followed simple commands. I'd give her calming treats too because she was just an anxious dog. When i moved out, i explained to him what he had to do to keep her acting so well behaved. After 6 months of not keeping up with her training, he put her in seriously stressful situations because he expected her to 'keep knowing better'. I warned him she would express discomfort long before biting. He didn't listen.
Well, she bit him again. Instead of reaching out to me to take her, he killed her. It was only a fucking nip. She didn't draw blood. He killed her because she 'wasn't acting right no more.' No duh! He didn't keep up with her training, and he refused to give her the anxiety treats to keep her anxiety down! Its been 10 years since i went NC.
Apparently, right after i left, he stopped giving her the calming treats cold turkey. She wasn't a bad dog, just an anxious one. He brought in more pets and people to live with him, which freaked her out. He then moved to another state, which kept adding to the stress. He went to pick her up from behind, and she snapped at him because that's fucking scary. He immediately took her to the pound, and they put her to sleep within an hour of her biting him. He didn't even think to call me. 🙄
Just texted one day pretty much saying, "Saddie bit me, so i killed her. Feel sorry for me."
When I took the time on my birthday to go and visit her and within 10 minutes she told me i was a bitch and she wished I had never been born. Noped outtta there and I've never been back.
I was reading this, thinking you've given your mother too much grace -- all while realising I've given mine too much as well.
Either how, you wanted stories... and it takes a bit of context.
My father passed away a few years back (2021) after he had been sick for quite a bit. My relationship with him was difficult: we had plenty of interests in common so often had fun together, but he's also narcissistic and was violent growing up. My mother is more borderline and had in my younger years managed to manipulate me to take *her* side whenever they fought. She also hated my granma, my dad's mother, with a burning passion. She'd let anyone and everyone know all the things my granma ever did wrong (and my gran als had a serious personality disorder, diagnosed). My mom did the same thing with my dad: Constantly talking rubbish about him (obviously, a lot was also true, but she was often the reason why they started to fight in the first place).
When my dad died, I was going through a lot of difficult emotions, already prior to his death but it didn't quite stop after. Why wouldn't I? Mid-pandemic, dead dad, me still reasonably young, and left behind with a mom that's insane and no longer has my dad to reel in her insanity or stop her from making mistakes. Every day, as I was working from home, she'd come by, spend 30-40 min saying the most vile things about my dad, and only leave when I was down to tears.
All this to say, you can see who *really* talks bad about others, right?
Last year, I had finally moved further from her, no longer in simple quick visit mode, and I had no desire to visit her (as one does). But she kept being needy (did I mention she's needy? Like 11PM "my netflix doesn't work, can you press this one button you've explained to me just yesterday?"). One Sunday evening, my phone's battery was dead. Lucky me, she again needed Netflix-help, as one does. (Read: She was feeling lonely, so makes up an excuse, she's admitted to this). Next morning, missed calls, texts - so I call back. First words out of her mouth: "I guess you no longer want to pick up when I call."
I hung up, turned my phone off for a week. This was really her first serious non-permanent time-out.
We end up calling a bit again - more than I want, and less than she wants. Again same rhythm, *technically* we shouldn't call all the time, but things in her life go awry as an excuse to call.
Until the day I am bringing my partner back to the airport. She calls, but I don't pick up, thinking I'll call on my way back... (she was aware, mind you!) And then, before I get the chance to call "I know you hate me" or some other typical depressing text. It saps all energy out of me to ever call back.
She calls, texts, etc. All of it, it all goes unreplied. Until her birthday comes - and I'm already anxious. At 6PM, I get a text: "First talking sh-- about your granma, your dad, your ex, and now about me"
Block.
That's about a year ago. I don't need told by her of all people what I do or don't say about anyone. And if I talk sh-- about her, it's of her own doing. And frankly, I remember all the times I wasn't allowed to tell anyone anything. All the times she'd bring up how I wasn't supposed to say something to a partner or best friend of mine because heaven forbid, what would they think of her...! The truth, is what.
She'd given me the silent treatment for the duration of my marriage to a man she hated, for her usual stupid made-up reasons. After my divorce we reconciled-ish. Then I saw clearly how she excluded my daughter I'd had with him, in favor of my son from a prior marriage and my gc sister's daughters. It was a very small town, impossible for my daughter's face not to be rubbed in it, and I jumped at a career move three states away. My daughter did *so* much better not being around that.
There came a day when I just needed a shoulder to cry on, so I called her. Because when you're having a rough time you call your mom, right? Stupid me. She listened to me trying to talk through the sobbing, then said, "Well, what do you expect *me* to do about it?" It was like she'd hurled a bucket of ice water in my face. She said it again. I said, "Not a fucking thing, Mom" and hung up. After that I'd talk to her, gray-rock only, three or four times a year, for the next ten years, until she died last year. My daughter whom she excluded didn't even go to the burial.
When a social worker who was supporting my nmother came round and witnessed my nmother saying quite nasty things for me
The social worker said, “This is painful for your daughter”
My nmother replied, “It’s not painful for her *unfortunately*”
That was the lightbulb moment of realising she is actively trying to cause me pain
My nMother told me over dinner that she fantasized about stabbing my eyes out with metal straws. My eStep-dad just sat there silently and acted as if we were having normal conversation.
The next day she threw a fork at me from across the house (I got good at dodging things) and screamed at me about how selfish I was for for eating her "last yogurt". It wasn't the last yogurt, it was just the last *strawberry* yogurt, I had purposefully left yogurt for her because we were never allowed to eat the last of any food. She, of course, hadn't told anyone that the strawberry ones were "hers".
I think that was about a month before I disappeared and never talked to them again.
I was in my mid 30s, married with kids, and had set up my own life in another state with my own home. I hadn’t really woken up to narcissism yet and maybe never even considered what the term actually meant and entailed. But my parents came to visit, it was during the 2016 election and I was agitated by a certain political figure’s demeanor and tone, it greatly reminded me of my father, almost identical, disgusting. Then he showed up and acted like he owned my house, slamming doors, yelling at my mom at the dinner table, laying all over the couch, all like he owned the place. I made a nice dinner for the family and he just keeps on being a complete asshole talking down to my mom and making his awful faces (you know the face), no thank you for dinner, just oblivious to me and what I put into the whole dinner, and I lost it and kicked him out of my house. I totally lost my temper and exploded on him. He went outside and pouted like a baby like he was the victim. A few days later my sister suggested I look up narcissistic abuse, I did, and BAM within minutes my whole life was described to me and all my issues. It set off a huge switch and I become completely unhinged, it was a grand awakening and a very painful ugly one. I connected so many dots, so quick, and started seeing how truly ugly the whole dynamic was. I was never the same after that, but that’s when I truly started to become free from him. He basically died to me at that time. I still see him, but he’s an empty shell of a man too me now, not a father like I desperately wanted him to be my whole life trying to please him. My mom, she’s much more subtle and complicated, I sense she loves me and others but she is so far gone from living with him for 45 years that I can hardly be around her and her guilt tripping and self loathing that she projects onto me.
About a month before my mother died - she had kidney failure at 83 - the rehab she was in asked her to put me on her checking account so I could move money so she could receive Medicaid.
The doctors declared her no longer competent to handle finances and I was her medical/finacial directive. She had dragged her feet for a year regarding putting me on her account, even though she knew her condition, so I could help her.
So now she’s a month away from death ( but we didn’t know this ). And she’s fighting me about adding me to the checking account. I broke down crying g and said “ I’ve never stolen from you! . I’ve never asked about your money. What you have or any of that, and you don’t trust me?!” She said: I trust you with my life.” And I answered “but not with your money.” And she said “thats fair.” 😵 and she had very little at that.
Three weeks later the doctor explained to us the DNR and encouraged it. I signed it, as now we knew the severity of her end stage kidney. She hadn’t eaten in 3 days.
So I sign it and my Son and I wheel her outside for a little air and she scolds me. Points at me and says: change it. Change it! I said you were right there with the doctor and agreed and I signed the fucking thing.
She died peacefully the next day. Very peaceful passing.
It’s hard even in her death to work past forgiving what she put me through those last few weeks. I was all she had, and I gave her dignity and comfort till the end. She still guilted me till the very end.
Mine was when I called my dad on Father's Day to wish him a good one, and he spent the entire call telling me I'm not acting like a good son and repeatedly said he wishes he never had a family and that he really felt that way. How was I not acting like a good son? Because I wasn't consistently bothering my brother to talk to my parents after he went NC years ago. After a lifelong shitty relationship, that was my last straw. Now he has 2 NC sons.
You "must have forgiveness" lol.
Why do they think they're allowed to tell you how you have to feel about them? Not a single other person in my life has told me I need to forgive them besides my nmom. Isn't forgiveness something you're supposed to ask for? Not demand?
I hate how my nmom always told me what I needed to feel. It's not enough to control my life. She also had to control my feelings.
It's such shit. She never could let me just feel the way I felt about things.
Mine was when he asked me for money.
I was working two jobs to support myself at the time and he asked for an amount that was a lot to me.
I said I couldn’t and he went on a rampage about how much of a (insert any derogatory term here because it was probably said) I was and how I owed him for taking me to tournaments, competitions and tryouts as a child and for the equipment he paid for.
There was no “final straw” for me, I just got too damn tired to respond or call anymore. She was draining me mentally and physically and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
My final straw was when my nmother threatened to call cps on my husband and i because she thinks we’re abusing/neglecting our children. Why she thinks this is because I got mad at her for trying to sign my toddler up to play tball. She went behind my back about it and told me there was nothing i could do about it because I had no say. Jokes on her my best friend was the coach and we’ve already talked about how tball is a waste on a very energetic toddler. She then sent me message about how cps can help me with him because he needs help. So I went no contact with her, went no contact with my grandma after accused us of abusing our children and stealing our stuff out of this garage apartment we were living in on her property. She also had my dad change the locks out so we had to wait to get the rest of our stuff. And went no contact with my little nsister after she threaten cps on us and then called me a piece of shit. Really not sure where they get this we are abusing and neglecting our children, they go everywhere with us. I’ve been a SAHM for the last four years and we’ve sacrificed a lot for our boys so I could stay home with them and give them everything they need to survive.
YESSS good for you, OP!! I’m proud of you for standing your ground! I had several similar conversations with my mom over many years. She called me her therapist for years and I suggested actual therapy that she always refused. One day in November of last year she finally admitted she needed therapy and mental health help, but then in February of this year she said, “ I don’t know how to change.” This was bs because I’ve literally been spelling out the tools for her for YEARS. So I said it was a cop out and she needs to figure it out or we couldn’t continue on together. She said she didn’t like me anymore and I said, “that’s okay because I finally like me.” And she said “enjoy that” and we haven’t spoken since. For the first month or so I was sad and anxious, but now I feel freedom like I’ve never felt before. I hope you continue to thrive with the peace you find.
She accused me of colluding with my dad (parents are long ago divorced) to prevent her from getting a new job. This was several years after she accused him of hiding money in my name so that he wouldn't have to pay her as much alimony.
I told her not to call me again until she could acknowledge we had nothing to do with her employment status, which became NC entirely. I think it was maybe a month or so after the blowup that I realized just how peaceful my life had been without worrying about her, so I just kept it going.
It's been many years and now that my siblings have followed suit, I don't even have to occasionally deal with her around them.
When she (as someone who has gotten abortions herself) broke my trust and told my *ÜBER RELIGIOUS* grandma that I was getting one, causing me to lose a relationship with my grandma (most of it) because nmom wanted to "be the savior of my unborn child" and be the center of attention. 😡
My nmom told me, in no uncertain terms, **FOR YEARS** that children [me] ruin your [her] life and will make you miserable and never to have them. Then my little half-sister (30F) had her "oops" baby at 20 (pregnant at 19, just like dear old mum,) and all of a sudden it was "Where are my 'good' grandchildren? You are married and happy and you and your husband are so great, give me my 'good' grandchildren!" 🙄 Nope. That ship sailed long ago.
So I'm 37F happily married, child free, and wanted to keep it that way, but had never had an abortion before and called for her perspective and told her *specifically* to not tell any family because of their religious beliefs.
Well she did, terrifying my grandma... so I'm getting worried calls for my immortal soul, my babies immortal soul, videos, pamphlets, the whole nine.
I called her out and asked her why the fuck she would break a promise she made??? "Oopsies" is basically all I got. I know why she did it. She was guilted into having me by my grandparents so she was hoping the same tactic would work so she could wriggle her way back into my life (I moved 3 states away to get away from her and my e-stepdad.)
This on top of everything else did it. Like OP, any conversation I had with her about anything she did always devolved into "get over it."
So I'm over it. NC for 4 years. It's been great because I'm getting out of my narc traits myself... I didn't realize how many bad personality traits I was holding on to because she was nurturing them via our toxic relationship.
My mother completely ruined my paternal grandmother’s funeral. Everything was about her and my dad couldn’t even grieve his own mother because he was taking care of his wife’s feelings. She lashed out at everyone, but especially me as I’m the scapegoat and truth teller.
When I left, I refused to acknowledge her “I love you” because I didn’t feel the same and hers felt manipulative AF. So then she devolved over text messages to the point where I had to put up the boundary that she could visit with the rest of the family for Christmas, but she couldn’t stay under my roof. The texts got worse and worse.
Finally I realized she was texting my husband (who with his totally healthy brain just shrugged and blocked her). I was livid. I laid into her and copied my dad on the messages. Then I blocked her. She didn’t come for Christmas and then she did want to come but I was not going to see her.
My family thinks I ruined Christmas. But after the dumpster fire burned itself out, I called a halt for six months. She had specific instructions on how to fix this. She hummed and hawed and wasted time. So I said time’s up and sent a letter (with copies to my dad and sister) explicitly stating that she was the bad guy, this was all her fault, I don’t love her, and I’m never speaking to her again. It’s been three years of peace.
I don’t know that I had one, single final straw moment. It was more so a collection of moments that added up for me and made me realize that she’ll never change. Notable moments in recent years:
When she blamed me for a medical diagnosis that I couldn’t help and is genetic.
When she invalidated me about my toddler’s safety.
When she tried to control my child’s (very normal) name or how many kids I should have.
When she decided to make my husband her scapegoat. He’s never been anything but kind and respectful towards her or anyone.
When she lied about something insignificant and petty.
this reminds me so much of something i’ve thought a lot about recently—i also needed glasses growing up and my narcissist mother DID get me a pair, but she would always take them from me and use them herself. so we shared a pair of glasses, which i never understood. our family was relatively well-off (private schools, paid off their debt, bought a car with cash once) so this wasn’t necessary. i want to buy myself a pair now that i’m on my own but i have a huge mental block with it.
You can’t change anyone or help anyone without them wanting it. Pedantic to say it but for your own good remember that.
Narcissism isn’t fixable. It’s a permanent state. All therapy does is teach them to hide it better for their own benefit.
It was some tax season ago, the one before the one that just happened when I found out she’d stolen my government stimulus and I had to file taxes with their family accountant. They claimed they needed the money more than I did so I guess they filled the forms pretending to be me and committed fraud.
I have had many final straws due to not being able to move out.
I don't think I can remember them all since there have been so many and I guess I have been blocking them out.
I literally think that's it I have had enough and then especially my mum does it again.
I've talked about this elsewhere, but the gist of it was... she was always the "you should not speak ill of the dead" kind of person.
My best friend, whom I considered a brother, with whom I lived for years before getting married, passed away unexpectedly. I was \*devastated\*. When I called her to inform her -as she was friendly with him and knew him- she attempted a smear campaign, suggested drug use, etc. When I told her to stop for the third time and she continued, I told her I had asked her to stop saying those things before and she hadn't, I was angry and needed to calm down and would call back when I did. She started silent treatment, attempted to create drama, then triangulation with third parties. I was on the fence until then, but after the triangulation attempts I decided it was time to go fully NC.
I am still asked by said third parties about contacting her and I am clear: she was the one refusing to pick my calls, so until she initiates I won't do it. And I know she won't. And if she does, for whatever reason, I will not pick up.
Just this year, they were invited to join my wife and I in celebrating Easter with my wife’s family. At first they reluctantly agreed after being assured that the logistics would appease their hesitations to “driving so far”. Not even two weeks later, they had the audacity to sit in my house and tell me that they had since chosen their church obligations for Holy Week as their priority, and that Easter Sunday “would be too much”, only to turn around in nearly the same breath and fuss that we don’t visit enough and “the family doesn’t get together like we used to.”
I was enraged.
TW: Sewerslide attempt
I came out to my parents as non-binary and my Nmom told me I ruined her 60th year(wasn’t her birthday yet) because now she didn’t have a son (older brother already NC for a year) or a daughter. Said lots of other horrible and typical things, sent me into a depressive spiral, I drove back to my apartment, attempted to unalive, failed thanks to some real friends, then didn’t hear from her until a month later when my Edad texted and told me I needed to apologize for ruining her birthday (wasn’t her birthday). I laughed my ass off, cut off all financial ties immediately, and never spoke with them again. Plus side, got to reconnect with my older brother who I was incredibly close with growing up. We were both victims.
My entire childhood was a few cuts that lead to a river of blood, but as I got older and moved out there were three or four defining, crystallizing moments.
He came to visit me once, and wouldn't shut up about the colours I had painted my walls. I told him if he didn't like it, there were plenty of hotels in the area.
I have been into web design and programming since I was around 14. He always told me that computers were children's toys, and that I needed to get a real job. I went to school for this crap when I was 22, just to get the piece of paper that says I know what I'm doing. After that, he expected me to do work for him and his friends for free. I refused to work for free, and half way through a project for one of these people he started berating me for the work I was doing, because he's an idiot who can't understand how to use the Internet. I hung up on him and quit the project, took the money for what I had finished, and have refused to do anything for him or any of his friends since.
At my wedding, he stood up to do a speech, even though we weren't doing speeches, and told my ex his parents that I was their problem now.
After the divorce, I tried to talk to him about my childhood. He tried to gaslight me. I wasn't having it. I told him if things didn't change, I didn't want a relationship with him. He was nice to me for 30 hours. And then back to status quo. That was the end.
I cared for my Ngrandmother for most of my life, including in my childhood/teens. Obviously as she got older it became more of a full time job, but my entire life has involved me caring for her in some way or another (I should add she has 2 daughters, and at least 5 other grandchildren, plus at least 5 great grandchildren who are driving age) and being the only one to do so. Also watching her date abusive men, and when they were beating the shit out of her, calling me (probably like 12 at the time) to help her, as dude beat the shit out of her. I should add that she had always been physically healthy, she just one of those people who would have people wipe her ass for her if she could. Once she reached her mid/late 80s she was expectedly having more physical issues.
Anyhow, by the time covid had rolled around, she pretty much refused to drive (was still totally capable, as will be confirmed later in my story) and had me playing personal chauffer/pack mule. By the time the final straw happened, I had not seen my friends, been in a crowd, or really left my house, and definitely not without a mask, for probably a year at this point, maybe 2 (covid timeline is a little fuzzy).
So after spending yet another day driving her to doctors appts, in an enclosed car with her, the grocery store, to get something fixed, to here, to there, and everywhere, I was already annoyed with her. She had just snapped her fingers at me, and then pointed and demand I go get something off the shelf for her at walmart. So as we are driving home she cheerfully tells me that she went to church the day prior.
How did she get there you ask? She fucking drove herself to church, then sat inside the church for over an hour, probably offering others communion, and knowing her, all of this without a mask. I was instantly done. Obviously there had been other shit going on LONG before that, and I had already been reaching the end of my rope for years, but that was the final straw for me.
She asked me to scratch her arms up so she could blame it on my brother in an attempt to get him thrown in jail because she was mad at him over something that she never exactly made clear. When she came to me and asked me to do this, she had a very calm demeanor like as if she was asking to borrow sugar or something. That was when I realised that not only was she dangerous but she was seriously ill.
I played nice with my narcissist mother for years so I could stay in contact with my dad and 4 sisters. It was hard swallowing my resentment and pretending that things were fine between us and it got even harder because of my youngest sister also being a narcissist. N-Sister had spent years singling one of us out for the silent treatment and everyone else had to go along or they were out too. She'd eventually let the outcast back in when she decided that it was someone else's turn. Finally, she decided it was Mom's turn and started hosting holidays at her or her in-laws house and expected the other sisters to bring their families there and not see Mom and Dad. I would have been OK with that if it were just Mom but I couldn't do that to Dad so I didn't fall in line and that was it for me. I was marked as the permanent outcast and the other sisters fell in line.
For 5 years, my husband, kids, and I were the only ones who went to our parents for holidays. After 5 Christmases of it just being us, N-Sister announced that she would coming back to the parent's for Christmas and everyone else could too. Everyone except me of course. I was told by our Mother that sister didn't want me there and not to come even after 5 years of me being the only one that would give her the time of day. That didn't matter of course because I am the scapegoat and the golden child would come as long as I wasn't there. After that, I finally told Mom that I hated her guts and she was a P.O.S. mother and I didn't want to have anything to do with her ever again; I wish I would have done it sooner.
My narc sister is the co trustee on my 90 year old mom's trust. Sister is a millionaire, and my mom's paltry trust would have no impact on her life. But I'm counting on that money for my eventual retirement as I am nowhere near being a millionaire. Narc sister started taunting me, saying she's going to deduct money from my eventual share of the trust just because she can. Turns out she legally can't change anything in the trust - just wanting me to feel anxious and beholden to her.
Bye bye forever, bitch.
Yay!! I'm happy for you! Not that this happened -- their narc stubbornness is always painful and awful. But I'm so glad you didn't keep trying to appease her, or just try to "get over it", or otherwise make excuses for her. Way to protect your boundaries. You did such a good job of being kind, but firm. I hope this gives you some peace.
Not proud to say this, but after thousands of battles and hurts with my Nfather, I had to admit that I had Nparent traits. I have spent a year apologizing for my b.s., not asking for forgiveness or placing blame or making excuses. Just saying I was wrong, you didn’t deserve it and I am so sorry. 😢
My actual final straw with my mother wasn't very specifically narcissistic. When talking about circumcision, some other nastiness reached through.
We got through a bunch of narcissistic, misandrist, ignorant justifications for my circumcision like "I just did what men told me" or "useless piece of skin" or "men are so obsessed with their dicks" etc.
Then she said it was something that kept me from "looking like a Jew or a monkey" and a lot of repressed memory of her racism rushed back to me, plus the total factual inversion just rocked my world.
Been trying in vain to find a psychologist ever since, because way too much of my waking mind is occupied with memories of being raised by this witch who resented her whole family, hated half the things I was, mocked everything I loved, and just, y'know, lotta things
I am not sure there was a final straw. The relationship with my NMom and enabling dad was just always work. A lot of work to satisfy her need for attention and validation.
Eventually life just got hard for me with work, kids, finances etc etc and I said “I’m not putting all the effort into this relationship anymore.”
6 days turned into 6 weeks and I thought “holy shit, they really don’t care”.
The pain of abandonment happened at 3-6 months, but then the realization came that “no effort for no relationship” was a vast improvement on “lots of effort and a bad relationship.”
Almost 20 years now and don’t miss the relationship at all.
The last person I had contact with in my family was my much older sister (by 12 years) who would robotically say the same things as my mother (deceased), it was creepy tbh, I think she was cloned. She called me up at 3am wanting to "borrow" 70K. I earned $17/hr. 1 I realized she only contacted me when she needed me. 2 I was the target for her misdirected anger. 3 How could she be that disconnected from reality lol wtf? I also dodged her when she wanted me to move in with her after her husband died and she no longer had anyone to hurl plates and other dishware at. Loon!
For my father it was his decision to pursue a relationship with my best friend of 15+ years, I believe they are engaged now. 5th times the charm I guess.
For my mother I finally realized I was never going to be a priority in her life. I would always come second to whatever man or job, she just didn’t care that much. The term ‘uninterested neighbor’ fits very well. I won’t say I’m completely done with her but I haven’t spoken to her in 4 months.
"As soon as you turn 18 you're going to pay rent "
In a house where I wasn't allowed to close my door, the internet would be shut off at 7 despite me being in a vo-tech computer course where I needed the internet to do my school work, where I would get yelled at for 'not doing dishes' because my mom had a midnight snack and I didn't wash her dish before she woke up the next morning, where Fridays were mandatory 'family nights' where I had to sit and watch TV with them (any other suggestions to do literally anything else were never acknowledged), where I was accused of never reading books despite being in AP english, where any emotion that wasn't positive was met with screaming and yelling...
Yeah, no, I left the day I turned 18.
My (53M) covert narc Mom had been horrible to me since coming out at 24. I had tried everything from boundary assertion, low to no contact. She was for many years quite innocuous but became worse as she aged, her family and friends cut her off and her family started dying. As her world shrank, she honed in on me.
Skip forward 24 years, I have been married for 9 years and my poor mother-in-law was dying of ovarian cancer. When my mom didn't get her way in a family argument, she announced that my MIL was "an evil, evil woman who deserved everything she would get [i.e. cancer death]"... I addressed it immediately, told my hubby who asked her plainly and clearly to help him understand what she said and what she meant by that... My nmom exploded and screamed at him for coming to her house to cause trouble...
I assured my mom and dad that this was unacceptable and I enforced strict no contact with her. My MIL died 6mo later. That was 4.5years ago and there has never been an apology, an excuse, or even contact from her. She is countering this sad final boundary with 'the silent treatment'.
About 6mo ago I went to visit my dad and she was there, taking it as an opportunity to "foregive me for everything I have done to her, as a child". I asserted boundaries, confronted her toxicity and asked her to speak to the event 4.5 years ago. She walked out.
The final straw came for me when she said my MIL was evil.
Final straw was my birthday this past month. I tried to do something fun and low key with my family… we just have very different definitions of those lol. So I asked for us to eat at a more expensive place (not to break the bank but for some really good Mexican food) and I thought that would be ok, since I usually plan to celebrate the whole month doing smaller things with more people on the individual level. Apparently that was too big an ask. My n/mom complained the whole time we had to wait. After I asked her to make a reservation. I was like ok well I mean we will just have to wait and this was food I was willing to wait for. But n/she just b*tched the whole time, kinda made me feel like I’m not worth the wait to share delicious food with. That’s usually why I eat alone bcuz she always has some unnecessary shit to say. On top of that I had been keeping track of other small things and boundaries that did not change at all. Im sad but I made a decision back in October to my current partner that if nothing changed I would finally move out. And so I did. Neither of us are very “celebratory” people bcuz of similar circumstances like my birthday this year but acknowledge the small achievements of is both. So yeah. I finally moved bcuz there was nothing left for me there.
Haha. She will crawl back to u and fawn when she becomes a lonely old and frail narc pos. And you should remember how she treated u when she was still young and capable, and send her exactly where she came from. That’s what I did to my nparents. If I don’t get to have a good time during my childhood, they don’t get to have a good time when they’re old. Apologies and tears don’t phase me.
Im 35 with a long beard. The mother talks to me like a small boy even though I'm 3 foot taller than her, she's tiny.
I saw them once a year, on that one visit, she tried to tell me what to eat, and what to wear and literally FORCING me to take a nap after a long walk. I wasn't tired at all, but they do which is normal at 70YO
When my mom was 6 months from dying. I was barely hanging on by a thread mentally and wanted to die. My dad called me a bitch, victim, loser, and other insults simply because I told my cousin it would have been nice if she checked in on me. I’ve never seen him the same since, and could give two flying fucks how he views me.
So to just sum up the moment it's something that, in typical covert narc fashion, makes me sound extremely ridiculous and entitled. The reality is the 500 details leading up to that moment:
She flipped out and started screaming because she had to pick up my medicine at a pharmacy.
Here's how we got there:
1. The house was a prison and I was never allowed to go anywhere for any reason without supervision.
2. Though there were moments to push me to learn to drive, it was always extremely obvious it was only for her personal benefit - and the severe anxiety I had, which was entirely due to decades of how my whole nfamily treated me, prevented me from even trying to drive anyway.
3. The pharmacy was not the closest one to our house, which I could have walked to, and was something you definitely needed to drive to get to \*by the request of my mother\* who wanted my medicine to go to that pharmacy anyway.
4. The medicine wasn't for some unfortunate consequence of birth that could happen to anyone for any reason. It was because I was fat, because I was permitted to only eat junk food, and my body was failing after years of being exposed to the worst diet imaginable.
5. This wasn't any different from any other time she got my medicine, she just arbitrarily decided not to go to that part of town (for about a week straight, as it was pretty common to keep me guessing if I'd get my medicine in time or not.)
And it all just clicked.
I'd been suffering the consequences of her actions since I was an infant. My entire worldview was warped just to survive. And all these years she was sleeping like a baby.
And the instant she becomes briefly inconvenienced (in a way that's not even different from the millions of other inconveniences you face as an adult...) she has a meltdown and, of course, blames *me* for the consequences of her own actions.
The pandemic was in full swing at the time, and I remember saying something to the effect of "Fine, once lockdown ends, I'm out and you won't have to worry about me ever again." It should go without saying me leaving was a "shock" because "we had such a great relationship" and she "has no idea why I would ever want to leave"...
Mine was him untagging himself from a Facebook post memorializing my grandfather because my Mom is in the old picture (they're divorced and step mother is an infantile, jealous witch). He won't ever stand up to her tantrums and do the right thing. He cares more about avoiding an argument with step-witch than he does establishing boundaries or doing the right thing. He is a weak, pathetic man and I have no respect for him nor want anything to do with him.
I’m so sorry. Sadly, I feel you are trying to use logic with someone who only understand emotion. It’s doesn’t matter what you try to tell her and teach her, she won’t get it. My mom got a degree in psychology and has no idea what she did to me. She ever will. And I will never be able to change how she thinks or feels; she will never apologize because she feels she was the victim and I’m the problem. In fact the problem is that she was a terrible mother to me, she left me to the hands of her abusive mother to “raise” me. Raised myself by seeing how not to be, how not to act, how not to treat others.
Then she had a baby 12 years later that I got to raise. She was never around, but that was easier than her being mad all the time if I wasn’t working or doing chores or being productive. The thing is her mother never let her rest, made her the family slave (according to nmom) and I think she thinks that since she’s older she’s doesn’t have to do anything. When I visit I have to do all the cooking and shopping, take care of my nephew, run her errands. About 3 years ago I stopped visiting by myself, and I went nc for about a year.
She also loves when I visit because “her house her rules” and she feels she can yell and berate me in her conform zone. Nope. The last time she tried that, I packed my bag and left at midnight to drive home 6 hours. Also, if I do visit, my husband comes with me and we stay at a hotel and we have very limited contact with her. We have limited contact now, she doesn’t call me because I won’t answer. She likes to send me passive aggressive memes of “I wasn’t the best mom but I love you more than anything.” I do not respond, I assume that’s better than responding honestly.
She put my kids in danger to spite me.
Told that to the cps worker when he asked her why she sent me and my kids to an active drug users home when I was fleeing my abusive ex. Told me I deserved what happened to me.
She hasn't seen me or my kids since.
My gc sister called me about a year ago asking me why can't I just get over it and forgive our mom. I asked her, "would you be in contact with someone who placed your children in danger to spite their mother", and she went off talking about how I'm just a spiteful bitch and I need to get over it.
I told her not to ever contact me again and hung up.
It'll be 2 years may 21st. The peace, it's been nice. But therapy has been helping me process my mommy issues haha
Good for you for taking that step! There have been two "last straw" moments with my n/edad: one when I was in high school and one two years ago. I haven't gone NC with him yet, because I'm waiting until my uncle (his brother) gets on solid footing with housing before doing so. The first time, I went VLC with n/edad. It was my senior year of high school and our apartment flooded because the hot water heater in the apartment above us broke and the water was pouring through our ceiling. The flood ruined a bunch of stuff and I'm allergic to mold and mildew, yet was made to help clean the mess up. The floor started to dry, but never got completely dried out, and we had fans everywhere trying to dry stuff. I couldn't live like that anymore, even though it was only two days a week. The last straw was when a log that he had in a closet to dry out (?!) started growing a mushroom. I told him it was either I stay or the mushroom stays, and he chose the mushroom so I moved in with nmom (the only choice I had if I still wanted a home) full-time.
The second breaking point was two years ago when n/edad and uncle were trying to figure out the next steps for my grandparents' home and stuff. My uncle was living in my grandparents' house and stayed living there after their deaths, but n/edad was the executor of their estate. Uncle wasn't on any social services and didn't have a job at that point because he'd been the primary caregiver for my grandparents for years. So basically, n/edad had all financial control over my uncle. N/edad didn't pay on the mortgage and the house was going to be auctioned out from under my uncle. N/edad made a last-minute choice to sell to a developer with a clause that uncle had 6 months to move out. This was all done without uncle's knowledge or agreement. My husband and I took uncle in and he lived with us for just over a year, during which time he self-neglected and tried to commit suicide. He ended up having a leg amputated and part of the other foot. He's now on government services and in assisted living, and n/edad's still in financial control of him although with no actual access to uncle's money but n/edad is the transportation for uncle to get his money because uncle doesn't drive. Uncle is fully understanding of my need to go NC with n/edad but asked that I wait until uncle changes living places because the place where he's at now is going downhill in terms of care.
The "last straw" moment with my nmom and ngrandma & grandpa (and naunt and nuncle, nmom's sister & brother) was when nuncle, an alcoholic, took off in a car by himself, got drunk, and pulled over to the side of the road to sleep it off while the rest of us were waiting for him at a restaurant to celebrate my cousin's graduation. I had seen nuncle take the contents of the mini-bar from the hotel and put them in the trunk of the car that morning, but I didn't say anything to anyone else because nuncle was an adult (age-wise, not maturity-wise, obv.) Family blamed me for "letting" nuncle go off somewhere and not telling anyone that he had alcohol. I yelled at everyone (yes, in the restaurant, I didn't care) that they always made me be in charge of nuncle even when I was a kid and he SA'd me. I told them I was done and if they didn't like it they didn't have to deal with me anymore. I rode home with ngrandma & grandpa instead of with nmom and nuncle, and then basically went VLC/NC with everyone on that side of the family and put myself into therapy. At that time I was living with my then-bf (now-husband) who has always been supportive of me. Later on, nmom knew she was at the end of her life and needed to rely on someone for help, so she and I reconciled with the understanding that I could and would call her out on anything I felt I needed to. We had a pretty good relationship for about the last year and a half of her life, but only because she depended on me for everything and husband and I were ok with providing for her and caring for her (especially because we knew it was only for a limited time until she died.) She admitted that she had neglected/abused me during most of my life and started standing up for herself against her folks. Those were terms we agreed on when we reconciled, and I reserved the right to go NC again with her at any point and leave her on her own as far as services, caregiving, etc.
My mother remarried and was expressing her irritation that me & my now husband were not close to them. Like a full-on rant complete with comparing to his kids and her. I suggested us doing a monthly dinner thing so we could all get to know each other better. Her response, “Well I just don’t see how that will help anything.”
Immediately done.
Having a daughter of my own. Literally the day I gave birth. Seeing my firstborn and having the overwhelming feeling that “I will to protect and love you forever and always” did it for me. I could never fathom treating my babies the way she treated me or allowed others to treat me.
I went to visit after seven years away. They acted like I was a massive inconvenience even though they kept offering to do things for me I didn't ask for, then didn't even say goodbye before I flew back home. My dad threw really scary tantrums and drove erratically with me and my new at the time partner in the back seat with him. I was like "fuck this shit", realized life is too short for degeneracy such as theirs and cut them off 😁
My final straw was over spring break, when my mother came back from a trip and lost her new phone (that she bought over there) at some point. She decided to blame me for it and shouted "I hope you get an abusive boyfriend that beats the shit out of you" and a bunch of stuff about how no one will ever love me. This wasn't the first time she'd say things like that but it was the first time she'd wish harm on me. I blocked her on everything and decided that was the day I'd officially move out (I'm in college rn) and not look back. I was later 100% sure of my decision to go NC when she later stole $20K from my savings account and sent a nasty email making it seem like she was the victim.
I had gotten out of a relationship with an abusive partner. A few months later during a trivial argument initiated by herself, my mom shouts that understands why my ex hit me and that any men in my life will do the same.
They made my wedding planning and wedding day absolute hell. A year later, they didn’t say happy anniversary and didn’t agree to bring a piece of our frozen wedding cake to me to celebrate when my leg was broken. So I had to take the train with a broken leg there and back to get it. They normally had no problem dropping things off to me (and vice versa) but refused this time. I don’t think they liked that I wasn’t under their control anymore. Haven’t spoken since 2018
When did I know? Probably when they caused the death of my cat.
I was staying with my parents for a couple years to get back on my feet after a messy divorce. My then-girlfriend/now wife stopped by there to pick up something she'd left, and found one of my cats crippled on the living room floor.
GF had seen my mother driving off in a hurry as she turned the corner to make the stop. She had mysteriously sustained a spinal injury and was a crumpled heap, scared and in pain. I had to leave work early just to go meet GF at the vet to say goodbye and have her put down.
And after leaving the vet, I realized that I just couldn't do it; I couldn't confront her, because I just couldn't bear to hear the lies that would follow. So I didn't. We buried the cat at my GF's parents home.
Later, mom "came home" and pretended to wonder where the cat was, but I didn't buy it for a second. I just bit my tongue and counted down the days until my move-out a few weeks later.
I'm LC and "civil," but we see each other exclusively on holidays.
And we don't talk. Because if we did, we wouldn't be able to get anywhere without me first needing to hear the fucking truth about what she did to my cat.
And there ain't no way she'll ever be honest and take responsibility for that or anything else she's ever done.
So that leaves us at the ultimate impasse.
Sister gave 91 year old unvaccinated father (because vaccines are evil) the first iteration of COVID. I wouldn’t go into unmasked, unvaccinated COVIDland (sister, brother, mom and dad) and fix everything (?) because MY HUSBAND WAS IN CANCER TREATMENT and flat could not get sick.
Dad died. It became my fault. I was attacked online and by any electronic device they could. It was ridiculous, nonsensical and horrifying. There was nothing I could have done other than kill my husband too and there was no way that was happening.
Bye. It’s been a few years and I’m MUCH happier. Should have done it long ago!
Long story short, I got screamed at and was called a selfish whore for spending the night at my now fiancé’s house.
I was 27 at the time. And for the record, there wasn’t even any spicy time involved. We just watched a movie and fell asleep together. Came home the next morning and Nparent had a meltdown. That was the push I needed to get out from under their thumb.
My Dad was dying of a rare form of cancer. He died two months after the diagnosis.
During his last months, my shitty nMom complained the entire time about him. Complained he was grouchy. Complained that hospice wasn't supporting *her*. Had the audacity to say, "I'm suffering, too!" Made it all about her. "What am I going to do financially speaking when he dies? I'm depressed. He absolutely hates me. He's so hateful."
I loved my Dad so much. Our last words to each other were that we loved one another. At least I have that. As soon as I get some mementos from their house, I'm going NC with her 100%. She can rot in the misery she's made for herself.
I'll try to make it succinct, but, here goes: my brother is 10 years my junior and lived with my family up until he was about 17 years old. When he was around 16, my dad got pissed at him (for likely little to no reason) and my dad threw an empty soda bottle at him. Well, the bottle hit my brother in the head, near his eye, and obviously super shook him up.
My brother called my aunt (my mom's sister), super upset. She came to get him, per his request. She let him know he had the option of finding a police report, which he opted to do.
I lived (and still live) two hours away, but my brother and my aunt ended up letting me know what happened. I, of course, was in full support of my brother's decision. But I knew my parents would be outraged.
I avoided my mom's phone calls for a week, until I felt like I couldn't anymore. She spent the entire phone call blaming my aunt for "giving my dad a record." I more or less said, "No, Dad did that through his behavior," but she absolutely couldn't accept that my dad's behavior was anything less than okay. No matter what I said, she couldn't see that my dad did anything wrong.
I was done. I was done walking on eggshells surrounding my dad's abuse and my mom's defense of him.
Shortly thereafter I wrote an email stating my needs from them in order to have a relationship from them moving forward. It's been 12 years this May since I've spoken to them.
this wasn’t my last straw but maybe should’ve been—i lost my childhood sweetheart in a really tragic way and the grieving process for me was incapacitating, especially given i was 20 at the time and hadn’t experienced much death before this. in an argument once during this time, my narcissistic mother told me he was better off dead and anyone who felt otherwise was selfish to want him around. it doesn’t even make sense why she would say that. it was fully just to hurt me, i guess.
I know you're going to feel mixed emotions for a while but going NC really is a breath of fresh air.
My final straw was December of 2023. I visited family for Christmas, she barely even acknowledged I was there. I was totally fine with that, i had been very low contact with her since easter of 2022 after another incident i couldnt forgive her for. She brought a gift bag I didn't bother opening and tried to leave behind, but she had my step-dad/enabler bring it out to my car as I was leaving. He told me I "had to" thank her for the gifts by calling or texting her. It really rubbed me the wrong way, she was right back to her manipulating ways trying to get me to cross my boundary of NC. I talked with some close friends about it and they agreed with my conclusion. After that I decided to make it definitive, I wrote her a hand written letter and mailed it to her making it very clear I wanted no contact with her. It seems to have worked, haven't heard a word since, just whispers from other family.
My mom accused my husband (partner for 10 years) of being a groomer and kidnapper of me. That he has isolated me from friends and family. All on FB for everyone to see. This was because I had been low contact with her for over a year after a fight we had where I clearly set my boundaries. She would rather come up with a crazy delusional story then have to self reflect or take accountability at all.
With my Mum is was after waiting 24 hours for an ambulance to arrive to take her to hospital, when the paramedics got there she started playing games and was an hour and a half of their time, got her to hospital and after an hour and half of waiting said I was going home to eat and sleep as hand not slept for 36 hours and she just screamed and screamed to try and stop me, I had to walk out to her screaming then I said I was done, a week later my Dad out her on the phone to me, she pleased how badly she was treated at hospital recounting how horrible they were and that they "made her" piss on the floor, I grey rocked for that phone call until she triggered me by saying something my ex wife used against me," I always make sure you have money and nice things!!" Big NOPE!!!
With my Dad it was after she died, he demanded I forgive her, told me the abuse was imagined/not as bad as I made out/I did something to deserve it and that I HAD to forgive her. I told him no and explained that she fucked me up and I owed her nothing, all she left me was trauma and that I was not forgiving her or coming to the funeral and hear my family tell lies and put her up on a pedestal just because she was dead
He raged, devalued me, discarded me and was just a fucking child demanding I back down and crying about how I should always be there for him and saying where had they gone wrong, I went VLC but his constant badgering led me to go NC two weeks ago.
When my later mother told me she didn't care about my feelings, she didn't used that words but the meaning was the same, I told to myself, "ok that's it, I'm done" didn't talked to her for weeks.
She started bothering my father to make me speak to her and I said no because of what her done, he then said she could do and say anything she wanted to me because she was my mother and she was a holy being, I had a discussion with him and was strong in myd decision.
Some time before we talked and she said she would change, she did in the beginning but after some she just turned back to her old self, she got sick and died alone in a hospital bed, I felt peace for the first time in a long time, until my father took her place and is ruining my life now.
For context: My Ndad had been insulting my boyfriend behind his back because he didn't approve our relationship. He spent months trying to convince me to leave him and talked shit about him with others, too. Even my Emom told me that my Ndad was obsessed with my boyfriend.
That Monday, we were having dinner and my Emom asked me about my sister-in-law, who was hospitalized at the time. My Ndad went like, "So your boyfriend was here playing videogames with you instead of being in the hospital with his own sister?" and started talking shit about him again.
My Emom shut him up and asked me about something else, something unrelated and trivial that I can't even remember. All I know is that as I started to respond to her, my Ndad raised the volume of the TV over my voice. I dropped the spoon (I was having soup) and I told him very calmly, "You're SO going to die alone".
Fast forward to the next day. My boyfriend is there with me, we're talking about his sister and my Ndad literally attacked us. He was mad at me for what I had told him the day before and he was mad at my boyfriend for simply existing.
We locked the door and my Ndad kicked it really hard, threatening to kill my boyfriend.
That day I finally understood that he has no limits. Just when I thought that he could no longer surprise me with how far he could go, he did it.
My boyfriend called the police and we left together. I've been avoiding my Ndad since then.
My father had just passed and my mother tried to force me to pay alone for the inventory because I had a husband and a job and my sister, the GC, did not. I said no. A massive tantrum ensued, she told me to block her on everything and never talk to her again and I did. Never been happier.
I wanted to buy a car, i had like 3k, but she sayd she will help me and will give me extra 5k to buy a car. That she wont ask that money back. It will be present for me and my baby. So i bought a car that did cost like 7.5k and 1 year later she went like " I want that money back, pay even as little as 200€ per month and etc "
So fuck it bought a new place to stay and went no contact.
When my mother and her drunk boyfriend were arguing for the bazillionth time and it went physical. He threw her off the bed.
I called the police. Before they arrived, she had hid his bottle of booze and closed the bedroom with him inside. When they came, she lied he was not drunk, lied he was sleeping and lied it was the first incident like this.
She protected that brute. He had been continuously verbally abusive to everyone in the household and sometimes physically. I still had a sliver of concern for my (also abusive) mother. But that day it went out like a candlelight. I decided that the household was irredeemable and it was my final push to move out while still being a student. Before that finally happened, there had been similar altercations, but I had not intervened and chose to take walk instead.
5 years later, they are still together. And we have virtually no contact.
I agree with the person who wrote it's a death by a thousand cuts. I've written here before I think, but my final straw was my dad calling me an ungrateful disappointment on Thanksgiving for dying my hair black.
I had a bleach blonde half shave and a pink mohawk before.
But it wasn't about the hair.
It was about how my once blue eyes like his had gone grey like my mother's. It's because he saw her in me and couldn't face it.
It's all projection and fear and anger with them. And I like windchimes on a sunny day.
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I was going through a messy divorce. All my mother had to say about it was "People in our family don't get divorced." I replied "No, they don't. They co-exist in misery till death do them part." An epic tantrum followed. This was really the final straw. I was a mess. My mental health was at an all time low. I had the worst heartbrake of my life and on top of it was sued for half my possessions including my business by my soon-to-be ex. All my mother cared about was what people would think about our family when I get divorced. I really needed my mother at that point in my life but like always I was disappointed. I went NC shortly after.
I'm not in a relationship but I feel you! My parents have always been the same, looking down on divorced people like they're scum. Like, maybe we would all be better off if you *did* leave each other ffs.
Same. I was the only kid I knew that wished my parents got divorced. They have lived in misery together forever
My parents 100% should have divorced. Their marriage is pretty dysfunctional but has lasted so long they are co dependant. Their marriage is a huge factor in why they are the way they are. They too look down on divorced people, despite my mother being a divorcee herself! And yet, I know so many people who have divorced and then gone on to have much healthier and functioning relationships than the ones my parents and others who insist on keeping the marriage going to the bitter end.
Had an almost identical experience. I see you, Sibling. They don't care about us as individuals at all. We were born to be their show ponies, reflect glory upon them in their circles.
My nmom would not let my SG sister tell our grandmother that she was divorced. My GC *brother* on the other hand, had three divorces and the entire extended family knew. Grandmother didn’t care one way or the other.
Oh yea, they ONLY care about image. It must be a miserable existence to hang soo heavily on what others think about you.
For me it was a death by a thousand cuts. Thousands of small instances of invalidation, rudeness, negativity, and gaslighting. I finally had enough of feeling like they were draining all of my energy away while never ever giving back. I am now low contact.
This is exactly how I feel. My incident yesterday was truly the icing on the cake, but all of these little digs have left me a hollow shell. I cannot do it anymore.
I feel exactly the same. I'm low contact with my dad, and I guess with my mom as well, but I really want to be no contact with her. I hate her irrationally much - my blood boils just being near her.
You're perfectly rational. Don't ever doubt that.
Yes, it was death by a thousand cuts but some of those were stab wounds.
Well said
Same for me, I ended up so drained with no energy for anything and sat back and thought how did I get here. There is just a feeling of not being able to do it anymore, not another day, not another second.
When I was living with her during covid she started devaluing me big time. Calling me names, and then giving me the silent treatment. I overheard her on the phone badmouthing me to relatives as well. 2 days before the end of the month she woke me up from a nap yelling and screaming accusing me of being on drugs. Threw the money that I paid her in rent in my face and called her landlady and told her I had brought drugs into the home (with zero evidence) and I would be moving out. I booked a flight across the country to stay with my dad but neglected to take my bipolar pills and ended up having the manic episode for the ages and ended up at the psych ward. I called her on the hospital phone to yell at her and she laughed out loud. She was genuinely happy that I ended up there. That's when I knew she was dead to me. But it still took some time from going no contact to low contact and back to no contact again. But I have never seen her in person since she kicked me out that day back in 2021.
That's so evil... to laugh at your pain like that. Good riddance! I hope you're in a much better place now.
Thanks! It wasn't the first time shes done shit like that to me but I tolerated with a lot more when I was younger. Yeah much better place now that I don't have to rely on her for a place to sleep anymore lol
My Dad tried SO hard to get his nwife to love him, and received only the most cruel and hideous verbal abuse in return. When their 25th wedding anniversary approached, my siblings announced they wanted to throw a party. N”mom” said, no way, she would not come, and “Who would want to celebrate being married to THAT?” Later I found a sheet of paper where he was practicing his signature for the card he was going to give her. With love, all my love, etc., etc. That was it.
This makes me so sad
My instinct tells me to say I’m sorry for making you sad. But I believe we’re all here because we have such a sadness overload, and we just don’t know how it will manifest itself today. Thanks for saying, and for being here.
Veering off a bit, but I didn’t realize how good I had it when I knew the manifestation would just be tears. So many harmful habits and mental illness. Therapy and drugs have done dick-all.
Wow, this just breaks my heart. My father suffered similarly for almost twenty years with my nmom and then, after they divorced, was harassed and sued for another twenty until he died relatively young, having never found the enduring true love his big, bleeding heart so desired. You story reminds me of some of the heart-wrenching things I found in his belongings after he passed. Letters he wrote her when he was still desperately trying to curry her love and attention, horrible abuse and threats she heaped upon him before and after they divorced. Such an injustice that he's dust in the wind and she's still alive, spreading her toxicity.
This sub is filled with such good people. My world does not have people in it who would believe my story much less understand it. I’m happy and sad that you could reflect it back to me so perfectly. Maybe the word is bittersweet. Thanks for being here.
💔
Let’s heal together, Soft Creature. ❤️
yes. 💙🫂
My dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 6 months prior to this event. He was smoke free for over 20 years, but my Nmother refused to quit or even smoke outside. She used to talk literally about smokers being a dying minority and was proud of her habit. It was the middle of June, Dad was on an oxygen tank, and she just lit up two feet from him while I was visiting. When I confronted her, she responded with "Why would I go outside? He's dying anyway." Within earshot, and he heard. He died 3 days later. I didn't see her again until 10 years after, when she was being handed to me as ashes in a box. She has never been missed by anyone. Edit: words
Oh my god that's terrible. What a wretched woman. I wouldn't miss her either.
Evil. What did you do with her ashes? I probably won't have anything to do with those of my nParents but have been thinking about it all the same
I'd flush them down the toilet.
I only got half because legally, I had to split them with my Nsister. I didn't want her ashes- but I also knew it would have torn her and her immediate family up if I wouldn't let her entire body be buried together. That felt good. I dumped half into an unmarked hole on my property. The other half is in a small Tupperware in a shoebox in the back half of my closet for the foreseeable future- because that's where my childhood died.
His passing was a mercy to him in a way because he'll no longer have to live with her or deal with her abuse. This is so sad.
My final straw was on my birthday a few years ago. After a whole year of NC (because another birthday call incident) she called and I told her I only had 15 minutes because I needed to go on a hike. Well, 45 minutes came and went and I couldn’t get a word in and I was so upset. Finally I just had enough and told her it was enough. But a big part of why she called was to commiserate about something instead of wishing me a happy birthday, something she didn’t wish me the year before nor that year. So, since my hike was ruined (it was now too hot in the day to leave), and I was at my end with her, I decided to tell her a few things she was very wrong about and hung up. I proceeded to get calls from other family members, *not* wishing me a happy birthday, but telling me how awful of a daughter I was, and it was a perfect list of who to block. In later weeks and months I got calls and emails from a few family members congratulating me as word got out…so take that as you will.
>I proceeded to get calls from other family members, *not* wishing me a happy birthday, but telling me how awful of a daughter I was, and it was a perfect list of who to block. It's great when the trash takes itself out.
Got her tulips instead of roses for Mother’s Day last year with the last little bit of money I had. She called me evil, selfish, a disgrace, and that she always resented me because I didn’t even think about what she likes, apparently. I’ll never forget the heartbreak after feeling so proud/excited to surprise her with something I thought she would be happy about. I was wrong and I haven’t seen her since. It was the beginning of realizing a lot of shit hadn’t been normal growing up
That's why this group has been so helpful. You share a story, and others have had their own similar experiences. You get validating feedback. From that, you realize *I did do something really nice in offering the tulips.* Normal people would have loved that gift, and normal people realize it was a beautiful gesture. From that, you know you're not the crazy one. That going NC is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and the people around you who actually care about you.
One year for Christmas I deviated from her usual perfume. It was similar to one she wore years ago that had been discontinued. I was excited to give it to her knowing it would remind her of the discontinued one. It wasn’t inexpensive, costing over $100. She opened it and said, oh. Then 6 months later she pitched a childish fit, saying you gave me X perfume and I wanted this one instead. About a week later, her neighbor gave her a compliment on her new fragrance. That was the day she fell in love with the fragrance. They are sick individuals. We can give it our all, spend our hard earned money, it’s never good enough. But if someone else compliments them on the gift THEN it’s a good gift.
The timing of this post is amazing, as my final straw moment was yesterday. I lost my precious dog last week and have been having a really rough time. I couldn’t have children, and that dog has been my everything for 13 years. My narc mother has been lukewarm about the whole thing, but yesterday had the balls to say, “These things happen. I guess I’m stronger than you because my father died when I was 8.” I put my phone down and haven’t looked at it since.
Mine asked if I was going to get a new pet after I had to put my beloved cat down the night before. People and animals are just things to them and we are just one of those things. Of course they think its absurd when we have any kind of emotional reaction, it's like if you sat on a toilet and it angrily told you to get off of it. We are just toilets to them to dump their abusive bullshit
The breathtaking accuracy of your last line...
So true about people/animals being objects to them. My disgusting mother asked me if I was going to give my cat away now since its grown(1.5 years at the time), and get a kitten instead because they are cuter. So glad to be NC. These people don't deserve our time.
Nothing quite says 'I'm a narcissist' like asking for empathy/sympathy and getting one-upmanship responses back. This is why becoming a Gray Rock to such people works, it doesn't give them much to shame you, blame you or game you with. Quit expecting sympathy from someone that can't see life from another POV.
New to this thread, frantically looking up "grey rock"
Gray rocking has been so helpful for me; I hope it helps you too. The best part is my nparent is so self-obsessed she hasn’t figured out I’ve been grey rocking for a full year.
Lol!!!
Grey rocking can also backfire. I've done grey rocking in the past and it just made things worse.
I think it very much depends on the narcissist. Grey rocking often works with my narcissistic mother but it doesn't work with my narcissistic aunt. Whenever I try to ignore my aunt or not react, she just escalates her behaviour until I can't ignore it. That's why I had to go no contact with my aunt.
What's weird is they apply deeper meaning to your silence. You can play neutral because getting involved just causes heart ache, and they see your neutrality and think you're scheming against them. It's really odd behavior.
I haven't experienced that but many narcissists are paranoid and a bit delusional so I can see how that would happen. One thing that can work is grey rocking in combination with acting all nice and making small talk. Also asking the narcissist about themselves often works. Narcissists love to talk about themselves and the whole time they're talking, they're not harassing you. Edited to add: if you've already tried this and it didn't work, then feel free to ignore me.
Same with my Ndad. If I don't actively engage, he knows what I'm doing and gets upset because I'm not filling his tank with my energy. These types are a black hole, quite literally. They suck up all the energy in the room, constantly needing more. If they aren't getting it, they push even harder but are never satisfied.
Yeah I've encountered that type. It's like they're itching for a fight and they're going to fight with you no matter how hard you try to avoid it. I think no contact is probably the only solution for those people.
This is how my nmom is. She's too ignorant to realize she's insufferable, but she's astute enough to clock the grey rocking, and it infuriates her.
She's so busy talking, and involved with herself, she doesn't recognize that for a year, every reply is the same: "No", "Yes", "Maybe", "Uh-Huh" and the best one: "Buh-Bye".
Just google narcissist and grey rock.
I went to the main source...urban dictionary lol
I’m so sorry.
That is horrifying. I’m so so so sorry for your loss. 🩷
disgusting
She is gross. I would curl up in a little wad if my dog went missing. Hugs to you. I am so sorry.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you can give yourself time to heal. It is ok and even expected that you will mourn your dog for a while, no matter what your Nparent (or the voice they installed in your head) may say. I have no doubt you gave your friend an incredible life and that they loved you completely. Take care of yourself. It took me two years to be ready to offer a home to another cat after losing my two cats in 2012. Other folks find adopting again relatively quickly to be helpful. No one can tell you which is true for you except you. For me personally for the first couple of years when I looked in shelters for my next cat I only looked for cats who looked just like the ones I had just lost. I took that as a sign I wasn’t really ready yet, and waited until I was ready to see the entire cat, not just their coat color.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
[удалено]
Sorry for your loss. 💔
I'm so sorry you lost your darling dog. And also sorry to hear your narc mother's awful reaction.
Please please put her on block- I'm so sorry for your loss, those 13 years were a gift! I hope comfort finds you!!!!
I had just brought my 3rd baby home from 2 weeks in the NICU after her lung collapsed. We'd been lc for over a year before this because of some things she did/said to my kids when we visited the summer before & some things she admitted she'd done to me a decade prior that turned the stage lights on in my head & revealed the depth of her manipulation. She'd sent flying monkeys after me during my very high risk pregnancy because I wasn't sharing details with her - or anyone but my husband & best friend. We'd been home just a few hours when she went OFF in a group text to me & my husband about how she was tired of our leftovers trickling down to her (she was referring to information about my pregnancy & the baby's health... I was a stressed out wreck for the entire NICU stay while trying to still be there for my scared & confused older kiddos - 7f & 3m - left at home & my husband had taken over communicating with everyone so I could focus on recovering & being with the baby as much as possible), how my kids DESERVED her, etc.... full on essay about how horrible we were & about how she's done with us & wants no part of our lives anymore. We were stunned... we'd literally JUST gotten home from the NICU with our fragile little baby & she felt this was the time to go the fuck off. My husband & I both texted her back about how she was out of line & then she decided to apologize ONLY to my husband - in a group text that was sending everything to me as well - & doubled down on how ungrateful I was & how our family (specifically my maternal extended family) stick together no matter what & just a load of crap continuing to neg me while being apologetic to him. I turned off my phone & didn't look at her messages for over a week because I was just done... couldn't believe that she'd choose the one moment of peace we'd felt in months of stress, pain, worry, & agony to rip me to shreds & then continue to disregard me while apologizing to my husband. He encouraged me to avoid looking at her texts (she continued on for days after this convo speaking directly to him in the group text) until I was mentally ready because she was playing the victim card HARD & he knew it would upset me. I finally felt ready after almost 2 more weeks & everything she'd been saying didn't disappoint. I read through all of the trash she'd said & just felt... nothing. I was done. So I typed out a very long, detailed message letting her know that she was no longer welcome in my life or the life of my children just like she'd said she wanted in that initial attack text. She begged & pleaded for a few days, apologized for a number of horrible things she did to me during my childhood (while ignoring some of the even more grievous), told me she'd change, etc. I told her that I hope she does change for her own sake, but that it'll be a loooooong process if she actually takes it seriously & we won't be sticking around to continue being abused by her. She started harassing my in laws & my stepmom trying to get them to intervene on her behalf, got my aunt (her sister) to send her photos of the kids - which got me off of social media completely - had my aunt trying to guilt me into forgiveness because it's hurting HER, & has called, video called, DMed on IG, DMed on FB, emailed, & sent letters in the mail acting like absolutely nothing has happened & she's my best friend in the whole world.
Damn, if she's still pulling this crap, collect the evidence and get a cease & desist followed by a restraining order.
Yeah, amazing how the enablers are totally fine with YOU being the meat shield — but the second the narc’s ire turns on THEM because you’re not around, it’s like the world is ending. Fuck your aunt.
Glade you got rid of her
My last straw was when l visited this year. I hadn't seen her since September 2022. She put her needs first, gave me insults, and berating on how she didn't spend every second of the day with me (I was with my husband, wanted to show him around my hometown). I was tired after that interaction, there is no teaching nparents anything. Put yourself first, I am 26 as well. I also blocked my nmom on everything. It's been 6 weeks, and she doesn't care. She has her golden child, so l focus on the family that matters, which is the one I am building.
My covert narc Nana was the same way: if Mom didn’t spend every waking moment with her, Nana would “punish” her with passive aggressive comments and the silent treatment. I don’t miss her.
I went to help her after years of LC and considerable expense when she had her knee replaced. She got mad that I was calling her out when she was ignoring the doctor’s orders. After asking me “what did I ever do to you”, I asked her if she really wanted to know. I’m sure you all can guess her responses to all the incidents that I could recall. Then she loudly locked the door when I left to wait for the taxi.
I learned before I went NC that, "What did I ever do to you?" is only meant to start some shit. She has asked me that exactly once since we have been LC. I like to think I gave her the best impression of her fuck off stare as I looked her in the eyes until she looked away. I doubt she will ask that again
We had another blow out fight. Now, I see her like 3 times a year for the last 16 years or so, and we have a fight like this every time. It's always my fault, 100% of course. So after this fight, we are about to leave abruptly. And my step dad and husband were involved. And basically, everyone is like, just have faith that it will get better, and don't leave like this. I'm like, I don't want to get hurt again, but f**king fine, guess I'll just give it my best *again.* And we agree that when there's an issue going forward, we will address it as soon as possible, apologize, and all that. Then, everything is great for a few hours. Just wonderful. The mom I deserved for a few hours. We meet up with another family member though. And she makes a strongly worded comment. My mom deeply nods her head in agreement with this person. Then, I add a supporting point to that comment, agreeing with them. But then, my mom disagrees with me profoundly. Shuts me down and makes me seem like an insensitive psycho. And once again, embarrasses me. Fails to stand up for me. Maliciously putting me down in front of others for her own sick purposes. Wow, after I just put my heart out there AGAIN. Chop! Right in half. Well, I don't wanna make it all awkward, and I'm new to standing up for myself, so I decide, f!@k, I'll just wait til I'm home, call her and talk about it on the phone. It's several days since I left. I call her. Bring up the situation. Clear as day, I lay up the story for her, reminding her what happened. I'm wrong to agree with her and the other person. But she twists and twists and deflects, and won't name that point. Once again, she takes the opportunity to make me out as an insensitive psycho. Either that, or 22 years ago when she cried at my molestor's funeral. I shouldda just ended the relationship then. The last 2 straws.
Yeah. Get out of there
There is a point where you see the same pattern playing out again and again. There is just that point of not doing it anymore. I'm glad you are out.
My final straw was when I was 9 months pregnant. I had an issue and wanted her to come to the ER with me for moral support. She yelled at me and told me I was being ridiculous, and she wasn’t coming because she was busy cleaning her kitchen. She seems to think that because her pregnancy went smoothly, I must just be making shit up with I have a complication or am worried. I went to the ER by myself without any support and had a panic attack. Later, my mom faked concern and asked if everything was okay. I told her I was tired of trying to reach out to her for support when all she does is hurt me. This offended her, because obviously she’s a perfect mom and a perfect person, and how dare I criticize her. To “punish” me, she didn’t speak to me for the rest of my pregnancy, didn’t call or text the whole week I was in the hospital, didn’t even check in when I came home with the baby. She has missed the first several weeks of my daughter’s life and still hasn’t so much as texted to see if we’re okay. I did everything to try and include her and to have a good relationship, but this is what I get for befriending a scorpion. Honestly she can just fucking rot in her misery. I’ve had enough.
"This is what I get for befriending a scorpion." That is perfection.
I received an email character assassination for having the absolute audacity of not answering my phone or returning her call within a two hour window. Seems so small but it really was a moment where I realised how much she hated me and saw me as her property/emotional punch bag.
I never realized how bad it was until they both died and I found such relief. It bubbles up quite often, the things they both did. I am glad they are gone
My final straw was just a couple of weeks ago.. I'm 25(f) and my narc dad had been drinking a lot (not that it makes any difference to how he behaves as he's just as bad sober). My Boyfriend was at mine and we were trying to cook rice for dinner kept unplugging the rice cooker and telling me I don't tidy up after myself blah blah which is untrue. In the end he was in a fit of a rage and just berating me as a person telling me he wants nothing to do with me telling to F off and leave repeatedly. I walked away in tears. My poor boyfriend had to go back downstairs to finish the rice wants it was cooked and he said to my boyfriend "I am sorry about her there's only so much I can take". I just could not be gas lit anymore. Done with him picking fights with me and then turning around and saying I am the awful person he can't handle. He beat me up for 4 years ago to the point i thought i was gonna die and he said was stopping me from killing myself I should of walked away then but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I will never get the closure I deserve and I don't think he thought I'd actual take control and leave. I feel amazing for walking away. It's his birthday today and I don't miss him.
I hope you had a very happy birthday bc you deserve it and you deserve happiness and love.
Thankyou ❤️
When my mother told me that my marriage to another woman was gross and that she does not want to know about my life. She got her wish.
“Your terms are acceptable.”
Sounds like the trash took itself out.
Oh man, your post reminds me of Dr. Ramani’s video on why you should never call a narcissist out. Give it a watch, it’s so validating and I don’t even bother arguing with them anymore. [video here](https://youtu.be/SPNf0YqM8lU?si=9XUkyVGsg_vOlkOL)
I had an arrangement where my son was allowed to go on trips with her, but only arranged through my husband. She treated my son VERY well and he adored her so I was afraid to cut off their relationship, as he's a sentient individual and I didn't think I should be making decisions on his relationships for him. One day when my husband picked him up from his weekend with "grandma", my husband brought me a small cardboard box and said that she'd given it to him to give to me. Inside were a few of my brother's pristinely kept toys. She'd said "I found some of her old toys and thought she might want them". For context, after a night of abuse, I'd called my dad to pick me up from my mom's house and she IMMEDIATELY retaliated by throwing ALL of my belongings away. She threw away ALL of my toys in spectacular display and I was very attached to many of them. I lamented not having them to give to my kids many times so, when I foolishly thought that she had kept them secretly to give to me later, I was CRUSHED to see that it was my brother's. Of course she kept HIS in perfect condition, then rubbed them in my face when I hadn't even spoken to her in years vicariously through my own son. He didn't even like his toys. She kept his toys that he didn't care about and demolished mine that I still miss to this day. And, if she wasn't trying to make a dig at me, that would mean that she either didn't remember her huge display of throwing all of my things away AND didn't even know that they weren't my toys at all. I have kids. I know whose toys are whose. I know which ones are their favorites. And, if one of them were to leave home for any reason, I would cling to them. Not only because they might want them someday, but also because I love my children and would see their toys as invaluable keepsakes and snapshots of the past. But her? No idea whose was whose, threw mine away in a fit of spite, and had the absolute gal to send me my brother's useless shit in place of them. I sent her texts to tell her how extremely low that was of her and that, if she could give me back everything she threw away (and hold my brother accountable for the extreme abuse she totally condoned and continues to condone, but I digress), maybe I'll speak to her again. I had to rip off the band aid with my son. He misses her but she uses him as a bridge to continue to hurt me and I can't handle having her in my life. I spiraled that night and I didn't like having my son see me like that after he'd had a great weekend. I just try to take him on more trips to make up for the ones she was taking him on. He deserves those good memories and to not see his mom in shambles. I made sure to tell him that it wasn't his fault at all and that he's what makes me happy. I haven't explained to him the whole dynamic because he is too young to understand yet. Someday I plan to, but for now I have to say she's busy when he asks why he hasn't seen her. In my eyes, she abandoned him. She wasn't willing to be cordial. She wasn't willing to hold her son accountable. The door can always be opened if she wants to, but she will not accept my conditions, so she leaves it closed at his expense. Every time she reaches out to whine about how she loves me and is sad that i cut contract, I remind her with a stock message that she made and continues to make the choice to abandon me and all of my kids. She's like that meatloaf song: "I would do anything for love... but I won't do that".
Funny how they all demand forgiveness. How about a damn apology?! My NM tried to monopolize my time. She would call me several times a day wanting to talk for hours. I had 4 kids and a husband! I ignored her calls during dinner one night. She tried again during cleanup. Then as I was putting the littles to bed. I never returned the call that night. Of course she starts early the next day. It’s a school day and I’m busy so I ignore it. The next call she left me a nasty voicemail. That was it! I was done. That was 10 years ago.
My final straw moment was her texting me a guilt trip when she saw I went to my nephew’s preschool graduation. A photo of me, my wife, and my nephew in his cap and gown made its way to Facebook and she saw it, and felt the need to text me and tell me how I never want to see her anymore, that she’s all alone and I don’t make the effort, but I’d go to my nephew’s graduation no problem. I told her I couldn’t deal with this at work, and put her notifications on silent. When I checked it an HOUR later I had dozens of messages berating me, telling me how horrible of a son I am, how could I do this to her, she’s all alone and I’m abandoning her, *after all she’s done for me!!!* I was only giving myself a chance to cool off, putting her messages on silent, just not in the mood for another one of her drama fueled rampages on a Monday morning. In the brief silence I gave her, she absolutely melted down, and continued to for DAYS. I never replied to her messages or calls again, and that was almost a year ago now. She has sent me multiple Amazon packages, a typed letter in the mail, and literally hundreds of calls, voicemails, emails, and texts. I had to block her on every platform I could possibly think of, as well as her myriad burner numbers and accounts. I thought for years I didn’t have a breaking point, that I could just deal with her abuse, time and time again. But she fucked with my relationship with my nephew. I fucking *LOVE* that kid, so much, and to turn a proud moment of his into another guilt trip? That was the tipping point, and I don’t regret a thing besides not cutting her off sooner.
When I confronted her about her smear campaign and asked her not to go to our mutual coworkers and complain about me. Only for her to send emails about the “confrontation” to coworkers not even a half hour into the work day. That was the final straw telling me to get out of her house. But I’ve learned that she takes spells where she’s fine, and I can tolerate it. It just bubbles under the surface, though, and she explodes later. (Lesson clearly not learned, I guess.)
My husband called out my nsister’s shitty behavior while driving us back to our hotel. She decided to text my family accusing him of drunk, erratic driving and being verbally abusive. When we pull up to the hotel my ndad came running up in my face screaming at me and threatening my husband and I while punching his hand in front of my face. All in front of other family and strangers in the lobby. Luckily my husband was parking the car and wasn’t a part of it. Seeing how easily she was willing to spin a terrible lie after being called out, and the fact that my dad was so comfortable being aggressive and in my face (especially when he thought I was a victim at that point?) was just too much. It was after a whole weekend of witnessing their terrible toxic behavior and tearing others apart so it was just super super clearly the end for me. Not going to continue to expose myself and my family to that if I don’t have to.
my mom is also obsessed with forgiveness. I’m sorry yours also wielded forgiveness as a weapon in order for her to continue her abuse. My “last straw” moment was her reaction to my autism diagnosis. For every rebuttal she had, I showed her studies, articles, and books that proved her wrong. It wasn’t my intention to prove her wrong but to validate my own diagnosis but she turned it into a boxing match, her, a woman with no education on the matter except for stereotypes, and me and my extensive research, my therapist/psychologist, and the diagnosis. She finally got tired of me proving her wrong and told me I was clearly addicted to reading and needed to go to rehab. She twisted it so that she made me out to be a highly disturbed, delusional person who chose books over living life and responsibility. This was what broke me. I don’t know why, because she has done so much worse. But that was the moment I was done. Like you, I felt like I had been done many times before but this time was different. You can feel the difference in yourself when you finally emotionally accept what you’ve known intellectually. That they are incapable of loving us. It sucks. I hope you have good support to help you through this.
>She twisted it so that she made me out to be a highly disturbed, delusional person who chose books over living life and responsibility. If it's any consolation, my nMother tries to portray me the exact same way. I've always been an introvert who enjoys hobbies like reading and playing computer games and my nMother has always used this fact to portray me as a weird, anti-social loner.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I've been living out this exact same interaction in slow motion and goodness is it ROUGH. I came out to mom as trans, and her immediate reaction was "I read some things about how it's just PTSD and I refuse to accept this until you look at the PTSD." and then she didn't believe my therapist when that's his literal area of expertise. Then it was "This whole process is harder for me than it is for you." Then "I don't care what name you want to go by I just don't feel respected by the process." It's like we're not allowed to be the experts in our own conditions. Like we need their *permission* to be different.
Two moments. The time I, a fucked-up teenager, standing in the kitchen, was trying to lay my frustrations out to my eDad, and I said "her" so she came running out of the living room with a plate of honey on toast and slammed it in my face. It was such a surreal pie-gag moment that it broke a lot of illusions. And then the time, after I'd left home, we went out to celebrate their wedding anniversary and the entire conversation bounced around the full array of bigotry and hatred and I sat and looked at them and realised I just ... despised them. And they would despise me if they ever knew me.
I am the oldest. When I (18 at the time) left the house my brother (16 at the time) became the goat. He took, and still take the abuse, but I went NC after my bothers ex-wife (whom I trust) told me a story about an incident that recently happened that for me, was the last straw. I went to visit my parents in early 2011 and was my at the door by my brother. He tells me this crazy story about how he and his wife had come over to my parents and were talking about the price of denture cream going up sharply (my dad and bro have genetic teeth problems that cause them to have full dentures in their early 30s) when my mom lays into him for "whatever" reason. My brother is immediately triggered (as i would be) and starts arguing back. Once second he was talking about denture cream, the next he is being told how much of a piece of shit he is. My dad (the enabler) gets in my brothers face for talking to my mom poorly. My dad starts pushing him around the house and eventually shoves him through a glass door while my brother had not lifted a finger in his defense. After he gets pushed through the door, our parents call the cops and have him arrested for breaking their property. Under no circumstances would I have believed this story at face value. My brother is an instigator and a liar like our mom, but his ex verified the entire thing. She said that my bro walked in and it felt like they were on him immediately. He was through the door and the cops were there before things started to settle down. At that point, i had enough. I walked out and didn't look back. I still talked to my brother until the only person tethering him to reality left him. After that he abused my trust and endangered my family during stay with us when he had nowhere else to go. Later that year, my first kid was born and my parents went 8 years without seeing any kids from me. We went LC 4 years ago and the relationship is "contained". My mom and brother know where my line is, and the know im out again if they pull ANY bullshit
This was wayyy back in 1994. I did not know was narcissism was, I had no connection to groups like this one. I knew mother was mentally sick, but nothing more than that. She was also legitimately sick: dying of cancer. She had destroyed our finances over the years, so the only option was for me to move home to care for her (father was an emotionally absent alcoholic, who was much older than her, so I was their last resort). I really didn't think twice about it, but in retrospect I see how she manipulated everything to make it about her. I didn't see it then, but she was delighted to be destroying my life. Anyway, at some point she gleefully recounted how glad she was that I "learned my lesson" about being on my own, given how absolutely miserable I had been during a summer internship I had with the national park service during college. Thing was, I had not been miserable. I had a great time. It was fun and I met all kinds of great people and lived near a large city with all kinds of museums and music venues, a real haven for college students. I had written her a lot about how much fun I was having. I think she was jealous and hated the idea that I did anything without her. I sat there and it was like someone pulled up the blinds so I could really see the (metaphorical) filth I was living in. She was lying and trying to gaslight me, and I realized that there was no possible way she did not know that. She had a malicious expression, waiting for me to argue with her, so she could *convince* me of how miserable I was. But the light had come into my life, and I knew then that nothing I did or said would change her. Nothing. Not taking care of her as she died, not cleaning up her messes, not living at her beck and call, not taking the abuse she dished out. I felt completely blank, as if all my frustrations had drained out of my body (at least for the moment). I looked at her and thought, *You are dying. I will outlive you. I will be happy without you. I WILL WIN.* I don't know what the expression was on my face at the time, but Mother saw something there, as she shut up and left the room and did not talk to me for the rest of the day. Things dragged on but that was the moment I basically "broke up" with her and stopped trying. She knew it too, and kept up her tricks, but the final straw had been drawn. I simply did not care anymore. Six gruesome months later, she was dead. Yeah, I still needed therapy, I was very broken by her, but also: **I WON.**
Two years ago during a new time period in therapy. I went in to therapy a day after my mom had insulted my appearance and when I told my therapist about it I broke down and cried for the entire hour and she stayed an extra half hour after my appointment ended to help me calm down. I finally realized how truly fucked up it is that my mother never has had anything kind to say about me. I also realized she was trying to ruin my marriage by saying things to me and planting seeds of terrible ideas in my head. She was jealous because my husband’s parents are so incredible so she tried to turn me against them and my husband. Because I’d rather spend holidays with them. The final straw was her demanding to see me on my birthday shortly after all that. I was over it. And after she tried to gaslight me and said “so sorry I cared about your bday” after I told her I was busy and didn’t have time to deal with her. Then she asked “can you tell me what I did wrong so I don’t have to wonder the rest of my life?” Typical narc drama so I sent her a long explanation as to why I didn’t want to be around her and that I’d be taking a step back unless she did the emotional work she desperately needs to do. Haven’t heard a peep outside of the flying monkeys and her trying to ruin my career.
This is horrible and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Why do narcs always insult our appearance? Mine always insulted my teeth and they are still my biggest insecurity to this day.
Why are they all so teeth obsessed? My mom would still be holding my braces over me if we were still in contact. Yeah appearance related comments were her domain. She constantly dragged every stranger that walked by. It’s why I still to this day get worried people are judging me like that.
Yup the braces were a huge issue in my house too! She loved to say, “I should have never spent my hard-earned money on those teeth of yours, they didn’t turn out how I wanted them to”. I didn’t know what I did wrong.
Do we have the same mom? 😂 Mine was upset because my teeth shifted a bit afterward. They still look alright and don’t bother me but she would disagree with my assessment. *Edit for spelling.
When I was 27 I confronted my parents about the abuse I’d been suffering my entire life and my sperm donor said, and this is verbatim, “so what, my dad hit me everyday”. That was the moment it clicked, and it clicked immediately when the words “so what” came out of his mouth. They don’t care. They never cared. They won’t ever care about me. It’s been 19 years since I spoke to either of them.
I tried to help my mom as well and then I put two and two together and realized shes actually the been the abuser this whole time 💀🤦🏾♀️
My final straw moment was when I was going through a major mental health crisis. With the help of my partner I was finally looking at my buried childhood trauma. I wanted to talk to my ndad about it. I still felt like if we talked it out and I understood why he did the things he did we could have a relationship. My ndad replied with the usual, “sorry you feel that way”, “If you don’t want to be a victim, don’t act like one”, “we’re all responsible for our own feelings”, and the real nail in the coffin, “take care of your boyfriend”. Because my ndad has always believed and taught me that a man’s needs come first. Basically “indulging” my mental issues was selfish and negligent of my partner. I told him to never call me or visit. If he wanted to talk to me it would only be through email and he knew what we needed to talk about FIRST before our relationship could continue. My MIL tried reconnecting us a bunch of times and getting news about my life to share with him. But I just told her I would not speak with him or share anything about my life. He’d lost the privilege of being in my life and, unfortunately by proxy, so had she. They’ve both passed now and I have no regrets about being NC for over a decade with them. I told him the requirements for restarting our relationship. It was his choice to not reach out.
My final straw was when my nmom was executing my departed grandmother's estate and lied about the dates of my grandmother's amendments to her will to try and make it seem like nmom hadn't been intentionally (and partially) disinherited but that it was all an accident of covid isolation and my grandmother's later, light dementia. Nmom tried to keep the will and financials from the other beneficiaries and say that we should all agree to let her modify the will and give our inheritance to her to make up for the 'accident'. I had to hire an attorney to demand the documents and reporting she was legally required to provide and ultimately tell her, "lol, no. Perform your fiduciary duty or get sued." To this day I'm not sure if nmom was intentionally deceiving us, or if she herself believes her version of events as a way to avoid the psychic injury that would come from admitting that her mother (my grandmother) ultimately saw her for the mean, controlling narc she is. And I don't really care. Good riddance.
On Dec 26th last year my mother was harassing me with horrible texts and phone calls where she was silent on but kept calling me. I was getting ready to go meet my friend who lives abroad and was home for Christmas. Her last text message to me read "you will never see me again I'm done and I'm heartbroken" so I got really upset and called my dad, and he told me to block her so I did and it will remain that way. I thought "fuck this, she can eat her own words now and it's her saying them". She apparently has since tried to "reach out" to me not realising I've blocked her, and it will remain that way forever. I'm done with her games and abuse. I'm still very angry and upset that she's abandoned me but I know it's for the best for me. Needless to say, I've been the perfect child and adult daughter but never good enough for her. I rarely went wrong and did all the right things. She has since lied about a cancer scare to get me to talk to her (I think anyway as her appointments were cancelled and haven't been rescheduled). I've also started telling her sister (my aunt) just how bad things with her are. They've also fallen out but tbh after 31 years of her treatment and abuse I'm no longer hiding the truth from those who ask.
My father killed the dog i trained. Im allergic to dogs but seeing how his vicious Chihuahua had issues, i trained it. She was perfectly behaved after 1.5 years. She knew tricks, didn't tug on the leash, wouldn't bite, didn't bark much, and followed simple commands. I'd give her calming treats too because she was just an anxious dog. When i moved out, i explained to him what he had to do to keep her acting so well behaved. After 6 months of not keeping up with her training, he put her in seriously stressful situations because he expected her to 'keep knowing better'. I warned him she would express discomfort long before biting. He didn't listen. Well, she bit him again. Instead of reaching out to me to take her, he killed her. It was only a fucking nip. She didn't draw blood. He killed her because she 'wasn't acting right no more.' No duh! He didn't keep up with her training, and he refused to give her the anxiety treats to keep her anxiety down! Its been 10 years since i went NC.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god that is so awful 😭 I'm so sorry!!! Good fucking riddance to him! Oh, that poor little dog. Oh, I'm crying.
Apparently, right after i left, he stopped giving her the calming treats cold turkey. She wasn't a bad dog, just an anxious one. He brought in more pets and people to live with him, which freaked her out. He then moved to another state, which kept adding to the stress. He went to pick her up from behind, and she snapped at him because that's fucking scary. He immediately took her to the pound, and they put her to sleep within an hour of her biting him. He didn't even think to call me. 🙄 Just texted one day pretty much saying, "Saddie bit me, so i killed her. Feel sorry for me."
Oh that's so fucking awful. Was there a reason you couldn't take her?
It was his dog. He wouldn't let me.
🫂 I'm so sorry
When I took the time on my birthday to go and visit her and within 10 minutes she told me i was a bitch and she wished I had never been born. Noped outtta there and I've never been back.
I was reading this, thinking you've given your mother too much grace -- all while realising I've given mine too much as well. Either how, you wanted stories... and it takes a bit of context. My father passed away a few years back (2021) after he had been sick for quite a bit. My relationship with him was difficult: we had plenty of interests in common so often had fun together, but he's also narcissistic and was violent growing up. My mother is more borderline and had in my younger years managed to manipulate me to take *her* side whenever they fought. She also hated my granma, my dad's mother, with a burning passion. She'd let anyone and everyone know all the things my granma ever did wrong (and my gran als had a serious personality disorder, diagnosed). My mom did the same thing with my dad: Constantly talking rubbish about him (obviously, a lot was also true, but she was often the reason why they started to fight in the first place). When my dad died, I was going through a lot of difficult emotions, already prior to his death but it didn't quite stop after. Why wouldn't I? Mid-pandemic, dead dad, me still reasonably young, and left behind with a mom that's insane and no longer has my dad to reel in her insanity or stop her from making mistakes. Every day, as I was working from home, she'd come by, spend 30-40 min saying the most vile things about my dad, and only leave when I was down to tears. All this to say, you can see who *really* talks bad about others, right? Last year, I had finally moved further from her, no longer in simple quick visit mode, and I had no desire to visit her (as one does). But she kept being needy (did I mention she's needy? Like 11PM "my netflix doesn't work, can you press this one button you've explained to me just yesterday?"). One Sunday evening, my phone's battery was dead. Lucky me, she again needed Netflix-help, as one does. (Read: She was feeling lonely, so makes up an excuse, she's admitted to this). Next morning, missed calls, texts - so I call back. First words out of her mouth: "I guess you no longer want to pick up when I call." I hung up, turned my phone off for a week. This was really her first serious non-permanent time-out. We end up calling a bit again - more than I want, and less than she wants. Again same rhythm, *technically* we shouldn't call all the time, but things in her life go awry as an excuse to call. Until the day I am bringing my partner back to the airport. She calls, but I don't pick up, thinking I'll call on my way back... (she was aware, mind you!) And then, before I get the chance to call "I know you hate me" or some other typical depressing text. It saps all energy out of me to ever call back. She calls, texts, etc. All of it, it all goes unreplied. Until her birthday comes - and I'm already anxious. At 6PM, I get a text: "First talking sh-- about your granma, your dad, your ex, and now about me" Block. That's about a year ago. I don't need told by her of all people what I do or don't say about anyone. And if I talk sh-- about her, it's of her own doing. And frankly, I remember all the times I wasn't allowed to tell anyone anything. All the times she'd bring up how I wasn't supposed to say something to a partner or best friend of mine because heaven forbid, what would they think of her...! The truth, is what.
She'd given me the silent treatment for the duration of my marriage to a man she hated, for her usual stupid made-up reasons. After my divorce we reconciled-ish. Then I saw clearly how she excluded my daughter I'd had with him, in favor of my son from a prior marriage and my gc sister's daughters. It was a very small town, impossible for my daughter's face not to be rubbed in it, and I jumped at a career move three states away. My daughter did *so* much better not being around that. There came a day when I just needed a shoulder to cry on, so I called her. Because when you're having a rough time you call your mom, right? Stupid me. She listened to me trying to talk through the sobbing, then said, "Well, what do you expect *me* to do about it?" It was like she'd hurled a bucket of ice water in my face. She said it again. I said, "Not a fucking thing, Mom" and hung up. After that I'd talk to her, gray-rock only, three or four times a year, for the next ten years, until she died last year. My daughter whom she excluded didn't even go to the burial.
When a social worker who was supporting my nmother came round and witnessed my nmother saying quite nasty things for me The social worker said, “This is painful for your daughter” My nmother replied, “It’s not painful for her *unfortunately*” That was the lightbulb moment of realising she is actively trying to cause me pain
My nMother told me over dinner that she fantasized about stabbing my eyes out with metal straws. My eStep-dad just sat there silently and acted as if we were having normal conversation. The next day she threw a fork at me from across the house (I got good at dodging things) and screamed at me about how selfish I was for for eating her "last yogurt". It wasn't the last yogurt, it was just the last *strawberry* yogurt, I had purposefully left yogurt for her because we were never allowed to eat the last of any food. She, of course, hadn't told anyone that the strawberry ones were "hers". I think that was about a month before I disappeared and never talked to them again.
I was in my mid 30s, married with kids, and had set up my own life in another state with my own home. I hadn’t really woken up to narcissism yet and maybe never even considered what the term actually meant and entailed. But my parents came to visit, it was during the 2016 election and I was agitated by a certain political figure’s demeanor and tone, it greatly reminded me of my father, almost identical, disgusting. Then he showed up and acted like he owned my house, slamming doors, yelling at my mom at the dinner table, laying all over the couch, all like he owned the place. I made a nice dinner for the family and he just keeps on being a complete asshole talking down to my mom and making his awful faces (you know the face), no thank you for dinner, just oblivious to me and what I put into the whole dinner, and I lost it and kicked him out of my house. I totally lost my temper and exploded on him. He went outside and pouted like a baby like he was the victim. A few days later my sister suggested I look up narcissistic abuse, I did, and BAM within minutes my whole life was described to me and all my issues. It set off a huge switch and I become completely unhinged, it was a grand awakening and a very painful ugly one. I connected so many dots, so quick, and started seeing how truly ugly the whole dynamic was. I was never the same after that, but that’s when I truly started to become free from him. He basically died to me at that time. I still see him, but he’s an empty shell of a man too me now, not a father like I desperately wanted him to be my whole life trying to please him. My mom, she’s much more subtle and complicated, I sense she loves me and others but she is so far gone from living with him for 45 years that I can hardly be around her and her guilt tripping and self loathing that she projects onto me.
About a month before my mother died - she had kidney failure at 83 - the rehab she was in asked her to put me on her checking account so I could move money so she could receive Medicaid. The doctors declared her no longer competent to handle finances and I was her medical/finacial directive. She had dragged her feet for a year regarding putting me on her account, even though she knew her condition, so I could help her. So now she’s a month away from death ( but we didn’t know this ). And she’s fighting me about adding me to the checking account. I broke down crying g and said “ I’ve never stolen from you! . I’ve never asked about your money. What you have or any of that, and you don’t trust me?!” She said: I trust you with my life.” And I answered “but not with your money.” And she said “thats fair.” 😵 and she had very little at that. Three weeks later the doctor explained to us the DNR and encouraged it. I signed it, as now we knew the severity of her end stage kidney. She hadn’t eaten in 3 days. So I sign it and my Son and I wheel her outside for a little air and she scolds me. Points at me and says: change it. Change it! I said you were right there with the doctor and agreed and I signed the fucking thing. She died peacefully the next day. Very peaceful passing. It’s hard even in her death to work past forgiving what she put me through those last few weeks. I was all she had, and I gave her dignity and comfort till the end. She still guilted me till the very end.
Mine was when I called my dad on Father's Day to wish him a good one, and he spent the entire call telling me I'm not acting like a good son and repeatedly said he wishes he never had a family and that he really felt that way. How was I not acting like a good son? Because I wasn't consistently bothering my brother to talk to my parents after he went NC years ago. After a lifelong shitty relationship, that was my last straw. Now he has 2 NC sons.
You "must have forgiveness" lol. Why do they think they're allowed to tell you how you have to feel about them? Not a single other person in my life has told me I need to forgive them besides my nmom. Isn't forgiveness something you're supposed to ask for? Not demand? I hate how my nmom always told me what I needed to feel. It's not enough to control my life. She also had to control my feelings. It's such shit. She never could let me just feel the way I felt about things.
Mine was when he asked me for money. I was working two jobs to support myself at the time and he asked for an amount that was a lot to me. I said I couldn’t and he went on a rampage about how much of a (insert any derogatory term here because it was probably said) I was and how I owed him for taking me to tournaments, competitions and tryouts as a child and for the equipment he paid for.
There was no “final straw” for me, I just got too damn tired to respond or call anymore. She was draining me mentally and physically and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
same. there was no explosive final straw moment for me. i just got tired of the bitch and blocked her everywhere *shrugs*
My final straw was when my nmother threatened to call cps on my husband and i because she thinks we’re abusing/neglecting our children. Why she thinks this is because I got mad at her for trying to sign my toddler up to play tball. She went behind my back about it and told me there was nothing i could do about it because I had no say. Jokes on her my best friend was the coach and we’ve already talked about how tball is a waste on a very energetic toddler. She then sent me message about how cps can help me with him because he needs help. So I went no contact with her, went no contact with my grandma after accused us of abusing our children and stealing our stuff out of this garage apartment we were living in on her property. She also had my dad change the locks out so we had to wait to get the rest of our stuff. And went no contact with my little nsister after she threaten cps on us and then called me a piece of shit. Really not sure where they get this we are abusing and neglecting our children, they go everywhere with us. I’ve been a SAHM for the last four years and we’ve sacrificed a lot for our boys so I could stay home with them and give them everything they need to survive.
YESSS good for you, OP!! I’m proud of you for standing your ground! I had several similar conversations with my mom over many years. She called me her therapist for years and I suggested actual therapy that she always refused. One day in November of last year she finally admitted she needed therapy and mental health help, but then in February of this year she said, “ I don’t know how to change.” This was bs because I’ve literally been spelling out the tools for her for YEARS. So I said it was a cop out and she needs to figure it out or we couldn’t continue on together. She said she didn’t like me anymore and I said, “that’s okay because I finally like me.” And she said “enjoy that” and we haven’t spoken since. For the first month or so I was sad and anxious, but now I feel freedom like I’ve never felt before. I hope you continue to thrive with the peace you find.
She accused me of colluding with my dad (parents are long ago divorced) to prevent her from getting a new job. This was several years after she accused him of hiding money in my name so that he wouldn't have to pay her as much alimony. I told her not to call me again until she could acknowledge we had nothing to do with her employment status, which became NC entirely. I think it was maybe a month or so after the blowup that I realized just how peaceful my life had been without worrying about her, so I just kept it going. It's been many years and now that my siblings have followed suit, I don't even have to occasionally deal with her around them.
When she (as someone who has gotten abortions herself) broke my trust and told my *ÜBER RELIGIOUS* grandma that I was getting one, causing me to lose a relationship with my grandma (most of it) because nmom wanted to "be the savior of my unborn child" and be the center of attention. 😡 My nmom told me, in no uncertain terms, **FOR YEARS** that children [me] ruin your [her] life and will make you miserable and never to have them. Then my little half-sister (30F) had her "oops" baby at 20 (pregnant at 19, just like dear old mum,) and all of a sudden it was "Where are my 'good' grandchildren? You are married and happy and you and your husband are so great, give me my 'good' grandchildren!" 🙄 Nope. That ship sailed long ago. So I'm 37F happily married, child free, and wanted to keep it that way, but had never had an abortion before and called for her perspective and told her *specifically* to not tell any family because of their religious beliefs. Well she did, terrifying my grandma... so I'm getting worried calls for my immortal soul, my babies immortal soul, videos, pamphlets, the whole nine. I called her out and asked her why the fuck she would break a promise she made??? "Oopsies" is basically all I got. I know why she did it. She was guilted into having me by my grandparents so she was hoping the same tactic would work so she could wriggle her way back into my life (I moved 3 states away to get away from her and my e-stepdad.) This on top of everything else did it. Like OP, any conversation I had with her about anything she did always devolved into "get over it." So I'm over it. NC for 4 years. It's been great because I'm getting out of my narc traits myself... I didn't realize how many bad personality traits I was holding on to because she was nurturing them via our toxic relationship.
My mother completely ruined my paternal grandmother’s funeral. Everything was about her and my dad couldn’t even grieve his own mother because he was taking care of his wife’s feelings. She lashed out at everyone, but especially me as I’m the scapegoat and truth teller. When I left, I refused to acknowledge her “I love you” because I didn’t feel the same and hers felt manipulative AF. So then she devolved over text messages to the point where I had to put up the boundary that she could visit with the rest of the family for Christmas, but she couldn’t stay under my roof. The texts got worse and worse. Finally I realized she was texting my husband (who with his totally healthy brain just shrugged and blocked her). I was livid. I laid into her and copied my dad on the messages. Then I blocked her. She didn’t come for Christmas and then she did want to come but I was not going to see her. My family thinks I ruined Christmas. But after the dumpster fire burned itself out, I called a halt for six months. She had specific instructions on how to fix this. She hummed and hawed and wasted time. So I said time’s up and sent a letter (with copies to my dad and sister) explicitly stating that she was the bad guy, this was all her fault, I don’t love her, and I’m never speaking to her again. It’s been three years of peace.
I don’t know that I had one, single final straw moment. It was more so a collection of moments that added up for me and made me realize that she’ll never change. Notable moments in recent years: When she blamed me for a medical diagnosis that I couldn’t help and is genetic. When she invalidated me about my toddler’s safety. When she tried to control my child’s (very normal) name or how many kids I should have. When she decided to make my husband her scapegoat. He’s never been anything but kind and respectful towards her or anyone. When she lied about something insignificant and petty.
I needed glasses my entire life growing up. When I graduated with a masters degree as a graduation gift my father took me to get glasses
this reminds me so much of something i’ve thought a lot about recently—i also needed glasses growing up and my narcissist mother DID get me a pair, but she would always take them from me and use them herself. so we shared a pair of glasses, which i never understood. our family was relatively well-off (private schools, paid off their debt, bought a car with cash once) so this wasn’t necessary. i want to buy myself a pair now that i’m on my own but i have a huge mental block with it.
I gifted myself after my first job turned out I have astigmatism so l could finally see at age 24.
You can’t change anyone or help anyone without them wanting it. Pedantic to say it but for your own good remember that. Narcissism isn’t fixable. It’s a permanent state. All therapy does is teach them to hide it better for their own benefit.
It was some tax season ago, the one before the one that just happened when I found out she’d stolen my government stimulus and I had to file taxes with their family accountant. They claimed they needed the money more than I did so I guess they filled the forms pretending to be me and committed fraud.
I have had many final straws due to not being able to move out. I don't think I can remember them all since there have been so many and I guess I have been blocking them out. I literally think that's it I have had enough and then especially my mum does it again.
When you grow up !!! F**k that noise and F**k her
Last straw was my nmom calling and harassing my in-laws from 2-5am regularly saying horrible things about my wife.
She admitted to putting pills in my food
What type of pills!!!?
I've talked about this elsewhere, but the gist of it was... she was always the "you should not speak ill of the dead" kind of person. My best friend, whom I considered a brother, with whom I lived for years before getting married, passed away unexpectedly. I was \*devastated\*. When I called her to inform her -as she was friendly with him and knew him- she attempted a smear campaign, suggested drug use, etc. When I told her to stop for the third time and she continued, I told her I had asked her to stop saying those things before and she hadn't, I was angry and needed to calm down and would call back when I did. She started silent treatment, attempted to create drama, then triangulation with third parties. I was on the fence until then, but after the triangulation attempts I decided it was time to go fully NC. I am still asked by said third parties about contacting her and I am clear: she was the one refusing to pick my calls, so until she initiates I won't do it. And I know she won't. And if she does, for whatever reason, I will not pick up.
Just this year, they were invited to join my wife and I in celebrating Easter with my wife’s family. At first they reluctantly agreed after being assured that the logistics would appease their hesitations to “driving so far”. Not even two weeks later, they had the audacity to sit in my house and tell me that they had since chosen their church obligations for Holy Week as their priority, and that Easter Sunday “would be too much”, only to turn around in nearly the same breath and fuss that we don’t visit enough and “the family doesn’t get together like we used to.” I was enraged.
TW: Sewerslide attempt I came out to my parents as non-binary and my Nmom told me I ruined her 60th year(wasn’t her birthday yet) because now she didn’t have a son (older brother already NC for a year) or a daughter. Said lots of other horrible and typical things, sent me into a depressive spiral, I drove back to my apartment, attempted to unalive, failed thanks to some real friends, then didn’t hear from her until a month later when my Edad texted and told me I needed to apologize for ruining her birthday (wasn’t her birthday). I laughed my ass off, cut off all financial ties immediately, and never spoke with them again. Plus side, got to reconnect with my older brother who I was incredibly close with growing up. We were both victims.
Glad you're still here :)
My entire childhood was a few cuts that lead to a river of blood, but as I got older and moved out there were three or four defining, crystallizing moments. He came to visit me once, and wouldn't shut up about the colours I had painted my walls. I told him if he didn't like it, there were plenty of hotels in the area. I have been into web design and programming since I was around 14. He always told me that computers were children's toys, and that I needed to get a real job. I went to school for this crap when I was 22, just to get the piece of paper that says I know what I'm doing. After that, he expected me to do work for him and his friends for free. I refused to work for free, and half way through a project for one of these people he started berating me for the work I was doing, because he's an idiot who can't understand how to use the Internet. I hung up on him and quit the project, took the money for what I had finished, and have refused to do anything for him or any of his friends since. At my wedding, he stood up to do a speech, even though we weren't doing speeches, and told my ex his parents that I was their problem now. After the divorce, I tried to talk to him about my childhood. He tried to gaslight me. I wasn't having it. I told him if things didn't change, I didn't want a relationship with him. He was nice to me for 30 hours. And then back to status quo. That was the end.
I cared for my Ngrandmother for most of my life, including in my childhood/teens. Obviously as she got older it became more of a full time job, but my entire life has involved me caring for her in some way or another (I should add she has 2 daughters, and at least 5 other grandchildren, plus at least 5 great grandchildren who are driving age) and being the only one to do so. Also watching her date abusive men, and when they were beating the shit out of her, calling me (probably like 12 at the time) to help her, as dude beat the shit out of her. I should add that she had always been physically healthy, she just one of those people who would have people wipe her ass for her if she could. Once she reached her mid/late 80s she was expectedly having more physical issues. Anyhow, by the time covid had rolled around, she pretty much refused to drive (was still totally capable, as will be confirmed later in my story) and had me playing personal chauffer/pack mule. By the time the final straw happened, I had not seen my friends, been in a crowd, or really left my house, and definitely not without a mask, for probably a year at this point, maybe 2 (covid timeline is a little fuzzy). So after spending yet another day driving her to doctors appts, in an enclosed car with her, the grocery store, to get something fixed, to here, to there, and everywhere, I was already annoyed with her. She had just snapped her fingers at me, and then pointed and demand I go get something off the shelf for her at walmart. So as we are driving home she cheerfully tells me that she went to church the day prior. How did she get there you ask? She fucking drove herself to church, then sat inside the church for over an hour, probably offering others communion, and knowing her, all of this without a mask. I was instantly done. Obviously there had been other shit going on LONG before that, and I had already been reaching the end of my rope for years, but that was the final straw for me.
She asked me to scratch her arms up so she could blame it on my brother in an attempt to get him thrown in jail because she was mad at him over something that she never exactly made clear. When she came to me and asked me to do this, she had a very calm demeanor like as if she was asking to borrow sugar or something. That was when I realised that not only was she dangerous but she was seriously ill.
I played nice with my narcissist mother for years so I could stay in contact with my dad and 4 sisters. It was hard swallowing my resentment and pretending that things were fine between us and it got even harder because of my youngest sister also being a narcissist. N-Sister had spent years singling one of us out for the silent treatment and everyone else had to go along or they were out too. She'd eventually let the outcast back in when she decided that it was someone else's turn. Finally, she decided it was Mom's turn and started hosting holidays at her or her in-laws house and expected the other sisters to bring their families there and not see Mom and Dad. I would have been OK with that if it were just Mom but I couldn't do that to Dad so I didn't fall in line and that was it for me. I was marked as the permanent outcast and the other sisters fell in line. For 5 years, my husband, kids, and I were the only ones who went to our parents for holidays. After 5 Christmases of it just being us, N-Sister announced that she would coming back to the parent's for Christmas and everyone else could too. Everyone except me of course. I was told by our Mother that sister didn't want me there and not to come even after 5 years of me being the only one that would give her the time of day. That didn't matter of course because I am the scapegoat and the golden child would come as long as I wasn't there. After that, I finally told Mom that I hated her guts and she was a P.O.S. mother and I didn't want to have anything to do with her ever again; I wish I would have done it sooner.
My narc sister is the co trustee on my 90 year old mom's trust. Sister is a millionaire, and my mom's paltry trust would have no impact on her life. But I'm counting on that money for my eventual retirement as I am nowhere near being a millionaire. Narc sister started taunting me, saying she's going to deduct money from my eventual share of the trust just because she can. Turns out she legally can't change anything in the trust - just wanting me to feel anxious and beholden to her. Bye bye forever, bitch.
Yay!! I'm happy for you! Not that this happened -- their narc stubbornness is always painful and awful. But I'm so glad you didn't keep trying to appease her, or just try to "get over it", or otherwise make excuses for her. Way to protect your boundaries. You did such a good job of being kind, but firm. I hope this gives you some peace.
I told her talking to her was stressing me out and that I didn't want to talk to her for the rest of the day. She called me a couple of hours later.
Not proud to say this, but after thousands of battles and hurts with my Nfather, I had to admit that I had Nparent traits. I have spent a year apologizing for my b.s., not asking for forgiveness or placing blame or making excuses. Just saying I was wrong, you didn’t deserve it and I am so sorry. 😢
[удалено]
My actual final straw with my mother wasn't very specifically narcissistic. When talking about circumcision, some other nastiness reached through. We got through a bunch of narcissistic, misandrist, ignorant justifications for my circumcision like "I just did what men told me" or "useless piece of skin" or "men are so obsessed with their dicks" etc. Then she said it was something that kept me from "looking like a Jew or a monkey" and a lot of repressed memory of her racism rushed back to me, plus the total factual inversion just rocked my world. Been trying in vain to find a psychologist ever since, because way too much of my waking mind is occupied with memories of being raised by this witch who resented her whole family, hated half the things I was, mocked everything I loved, and just, y'know, lotta things
Being yelled at for sleeping. At 10pm. “Wake up and do stuff”! It didn’t stop. I called the cops.
When my mom showed that she cared more for a coworker my age than she ever has for me.
I am not sure there was a final straw. The relationship with my NMom and enabling dad was just always work. A lot of work to satisfy her need for attention and validation. Eventually life just got hard for me with work, kids, finances etc etc and I said “I’m not putting all the effort into this relationship anymore.” 6 days turned into 6 weeks and I thought “holy shit, they really don’t care”. The pain of abandonment happened at 3-6 months, but then the realization came that “no effort for no relationship” was a vast improvement on “lots of effort and a bad relationship.” Almost 20 years now and don’t miss the relationship at all.
The last person I had contact with in my family was my much older sister (by 12 years) who would robotically say the same things as my mother (deceased), it was creepy tbh, I think she was cloned. She called me up at 3am wanting to "borrow" 70K. I earned $17/hr. 1 I realized she only contacted me when she needed me. 2 I was the target for her misdirected anger. 3 How could she be that disconnected from reality lol wtf? I also dodged her when she wanted me to move in with her after her husband died and she no longer had anyone to hurl plates and other dishware at. Loon!
When they didn’t show up to my wedding.
For my father it was his decision to pursue a relationship with my best friend of 15+ years, I believe they are engaged now. 5th times the charm I guess. For my mother I finally realized I was never going to be a priority in her life. I would always come second to whatever man or job, she just didn’t care that much. The term ‘uninterested neighbor’ fits very well. I won’t say I’m completely done with her but I haven’t spoken to her in 4 months.
"As soon as you turn 18 you're going to pay rent " In a house where I wasn't allowed to close my door, the internet would be shut off at 7 despite me being in a vo-tech computer course where I needed the internet to do my school work, where I would get yelled at for 'not doing dishes' because my mom had a midnight snack and I didn't wash her dish before she woke up the next morning, where Fridays were mandatory 'family nights' where I had to sit and watch TV with them (any other suggestions to do literally anything else were never acknowledged), where I was accused of never reading books despite being in AP english, where any emotion that wasn't positive was met with screaming and yelling... Yeah, no, I left the day I turned 18.
I paid rent at 16. And she was getting child support from my Dad. Sick individuals.
Super messed up
My (53M) covert narc Mom had been horrible to me since coming out at 24. I had tried everything from boundary assertion, low to no contact. She was for many years quite innocuous but became worse as she aged, her family and friends cut her off and her family started dying. As her world shrank, she honed in on me. Skip forward 24 years, I have been married for 9 years and my poor mother-in-law was dying of ovarian cancer. When my mom didn't get her way in a family argument, she announced that my MIL was "an evil, evil woman who deserved everything she would get [i.e. cancer death]"... I addressed it immediately, told my hubby who asked her plainly and clearly to help him understand what she said and what she meant by that... My nmom exploded and screamed at him for coming to her house to cause trouble... I assured my mom and dad that this was unacceptable and I enforced strict no contact with her. My MIL died 6mo later. That was 4.5years ago and there has never been an apology, an excuse, or even contact from her. She is countering this sad final boundary with 'the silent treatment'. About 6mo ago I went to visit my dad and she was there, taking it as an opportunity to "foregive me for everything I have done to her, as a child". I asserted boundaries, confronted her toxicity and asked her to speak to the event 4.5 years ago. She walked out. The final straw came for me when she said my MIL was evil.
Final straw was my birthday this past month. I tried to do something fun and low key with my family… we just have very different definitions of those lol. So I asked for us to eat at a more expensive place (not to break the bank but for some really good Mexican food) and I thought that would be ok, since I usually plan to celebrate the whole month doing smaller things with more people on the individual level. Apparently that was too big an ask. My n/mom complained the whole time we had to wait. After I asked her to make a reservation. I was like ok well I mean we will just have to wait and this was food I was willing to wait for. But n/she just b*tched the whole time, kinda made me feel like I’m not worth the wait to share delicious food with. That’s usually why I eat alone bcuz she always has some unnecessary shit to say. On top of that I had been keeping track of other small things and boundaries that did not change at all. Im sad but I made a decision back in October to my current partner that if nothing changed I would finally move out. And so I did. Neither of us are very “celebratory” people bcuz of similar circumstances like my birthday this year but acknowledge the small achievements of is both. So yeah. I finally moved bcuz there was nothing left for me there.
Haha. She will crawl back to u and fawn when she becomes a lonely old and frail narc pos. And you should remember how she treated u when she was still young and capable, and send her exactly where she came from. That’s what I did to my nparents. If I don’t get to have a good time during my childhood, they don’t get to have a good time when they’re old. Apologies and tears don’t phase me.
Im 35 with a long beard. The mother talks to me like a small boy even though I'm 3 foot taller than her, she's tiny. I saw them once a year, on that one visit, she tried to tell me what to eat, and what to wear and literally FORCING me to take a nap after a long walk. I wasn't tired at all, but they do which is normal at 70YO
When my mom was 6 months from dying. I was barely hanging on by a thread mentally and wanted to die. My dad called me a bitch, victim, loser, and other insults simply because I told my cousin it would have been nice if she checked in on me. I’ve never seen him the same since, and could give two flying fucks how he views me.
So to just sum up the moment it's something that, in typical covert narc fashion, makes me sound extremely ridiculous and entitled. The reality is the 500 details leading up to that moment: She flipped out and started screaming because she had to pick up my medicine at a pharmacy. Here's how we got there: 1. The house was a prison and I was never allowed to go anywhere for any reason without supervision. 2. Though there were moments to push me to learn to drive, it was always extremely obvious it was only for her personal benefit - and the severe anxiety I had, which was entirely due to decades of how my whole nfamily treated me, prevented me from even trying to drive anyway. 3. The pharmacy was not the closest one to our house, which I could have walked to, and was something you definitely needed to drive to get to \*by the request of my mother\* who wanted my medicine to go to that pharmacy anyway. 4. The medicine wasn't for some unfortunate consequence of birth that could happen to anyone for any reason. It was because I was fat, because I was permitted to only eat junk food, and my body was failing after years of being exposed to the worst diet imaginable. 5. This wasn't any different from any other time she got my medicine, she just arbitrarily decided not to go to that part of town (for about a week straight, as it was pretty common to keep me guessing if I'd get my medicine in time or not.) And it all just clicked. I'd been suffering the consequences of her actions since I was an infant. My entire worldview was warped just to survive. And all these years she was sleeping like a baby. And the instant she becomes briefly inconvenienced (in a way that's not even different from the millions of other inconveniences you face as an adult...) she has a meltdown and, of course, blames *me* for the consequences of her own actions. The pandemic was in full swing at the time, and I remember saying something to the effect of "Fine, once lockdown ends, I'm out and you won't have to worry about me ever again." It should go without saying me leaving was a "shock" because "we had such a great relationship" and she "has no idea why I would ever want to leave"...
Mine was him untagging himself from a Facebook post memorializing my grandfather because my Mom is in the old picture (they're divorced and step mother is an infantile, jealous witch). He won't ever stand up to her tantrums and do the right thing. He cares more about avoiding an argument with step-witch than he does establishing boundaries or doing the right thing. He is a weak, pathetic man and I have no respect for him nor want anything to do with him.
I’m so sorry. Sadly, I feel you are trying to use logic with someone who only understand emotion. It’s doesn’t matter what you try to tell her and teach her, she won’t get it. My mom got a degree in psychology and has no idea what she did to me. She ever will. And I will never be able to change how she thinks or feels; she will never apologize because she feels she was the victim and I’m the problem. In fact the problem is that she was a terrible mother to me, she left me to the hands of her abusive mother to “raise” me. Raised myself by seeing how not to be, how not to act, how not to treat others. Then she had a baby 12 years later that I got to raise. She was never around, but that was easier than her being mad all the time if I wasn’t working or doing chores or being productive. The thing is her mother never let her rest, made her the family slave (according to nmom) and I think she thinks that since she’s older she’s doesn’t have to do anything. When I visit I have to do all the cooking and shopping, take care of my nephew, run her errands. About 3 years ago I stopped visiting by myself, and I went nc for about a year. She also loves when I visit because “her house her rules” and she feels she can yell and berate me in her conform zone. Nope. The last time she tried that, I packed my bag and left at midnight to drive home 6 hours. Also, if I do visit, my husband comes with me and we stay at a hotel and we have very limited contact with her. We have limited contact now, she doesn’t call me because I won’t answer. She likes to send me passive aggressive memes of “I wasn’t the best mom but I love you more than anything.” I do not respond, I assume that’s better than responding honestly.
She put my kids in danger to spite me. Told that to the cps worker when he asked her why she sent me and my kids to an active drug users home when I was fleeing my abusive ex. Told me I deserved what happened to me. She hasn't seen me or my kids since. My gc sister called me about a year ago asking me why can't I just get over it and forgive our mom. I asked her, "would you be in contact with someone who placed your children in danger to spite their mother", and she went off talking about how I'm just a spiteful bitch and I need to get over it. I told her not to ever contact me again and hung up. It'll be 2 years may 21st. The peace, it's been nice. But therapy has been helping me process my mommy issues haha
Good for you for taking that step! There have been two "last straw" moments with my n/edad: one when I was in high school and one two years ago. I haven't gone NC with him yet, because I'm waiting until my uncle (his brother) gets on solid footing with housing before doing so. The first time, I went VLC with n/edad. It was my senior year of high school and our apartment flooded because the hot water heater in the apartment above us broke and the water was pouring through our ceiling. The flood ruined a bunch of stuff and I'm allergic to mold and mildew, yet was made to help clean the mess up. The floor started to dry, but never got completely dried out, and we had fans everywhere trying to dry stuff. I couldn't live like that anymore, even though it was only two days a week. The last straw was when a log that he had in a closet to dry out (?!) started growing a mushroom. I told him it was either I stay or the mushroom stays, and he chose the mushroom so I moved in with nmom (the only choice I had if I still wanted a home) full-time. The second breaking point was two years ago when n/edad and uncle were trying to figure out the next steps for my grandparents' home and stuff. My uncle was living in my grandparents' house and stayed living there after their deaths, but n/edad was the executor of their estate. Uncle wasn't on any social services and didn't have a job at that point because he'd been the primary caregiver for my grandparents for years. So basically, n/edad had all financial control over my uncle. N/edad didn't pay on the mortgage and the house was going to be auctioned out from under my uncle. N/edad made a last-minute choice to sell to a developer with a clause that uncle had 6 months to move out. This was all done without uncle's knowledge or agreement. My husband and I took uncle in and he lived with us for just over a year, during which time he self-neglected and tried to commit suicide. He ended up having a leg amputated and part of the other foot. He's now on government services and in assisted living, and n/edad's still in financial control of him although with no actual access to uncle's money but n/edad is the transportation for uncle to get his money because uncle doesn't drive. Uncle is fully understanding of my need to go NC with n/edad but asked that I wait until uncle changes living places because the place where he's at now is going downhill in terms of care. The "last straw" moment with my nmom and ngrandma & grandpa (and naunt and nuncle, nmom's sister & brother) was when nuncle, an alcoholic, took off in a car by himself, got drunk, and pulled over to the side of the road to sleep it off while the rest of us were waiting for him at a restaurant to celebrate my cousin's graduation. I had seen nuncle take the contents of the mini-bar from the hotel and put them in the trunk of the car that morning, but I didn't say anything to anyone else because nuncle was an adult (age-wise, not maturity-wise, obv.) Family blamed me for "letting" nuncle go off somewhere and not telling anyone that he had alcohol. I yelled at everyone (yes, in the restaurant, I didn't care) that they always made me be in charge of nuncle even when I was a kid and he SA'd me. I told them I was done and if they didn't like it they didn't have to deal with me anymore. I rode home with ngrandma & grandpa instead of with nmom and nuncle, and then basically went VLC/NC with everyone on that side of the family and put myself into therapy. At that time I was living with my then-bf (now-husband) who has always been supportive of me. Later on, nmom knew she was at the end of her life and needed to rely on someone for help, so she and I reconciled with the understanding that I could and would call her out on anything I felt I needed to. We had a pretty good relationship for about the last year and a half of her life, but only because she depended on me for everything and husband and I were ok with providing for her and caring for her (especially because we knew it was only for a limited time until she died.) She admitted that she had neglected/abused me during most of my life and started standing up for herself against her folks. Those were terms we agreed on when we reconciled, and I reserved the right to go NC again with her at any point and leave her on her own as far as services, caregiving, etc.
My mother remarried and was expressing her irritation that me & my now husband were not close to them. Like a full-on rant complete with comparing to his kids and her. I suggested us doing a monthly dinner thing so we could all get to know each other better. Her response, “Well I just don’t see how that will help anything.” Immediately done.
Having a daughter of my own. Literally the day I gave birth. Seeing my firstborn and having the overwhelming feeling that “I will to protect and love you forever and always” did it for me. I could never fathom treating my babies the way she treated me or allowed others to treat me.
I went to visit after seven years away. They acted like I was a massive inconvenience even though they kept offering to do things for me I didn't ask for, then didn't even say goodbye before I flew back home. My dad threw really scary tantrums and drove erratically with me and my new at the time partner in the back seat with him. I was like "fuck this shit", realized life is too short for degeneracy such as theirs and cut them off 😁
My final straw was over spring break, when my mother came back from a trip and lost her new phone (that she bought over there) at some point. She decided to blame me for it and shouted "I hope you get an abusive boyfriend that beats the shit out of you" and a bunch of stuff about how no one will ever love me. This wasn't the first time she'd say things like that but it was the first time she'd wish harm on me. I blocked her on everything and decided that was the day I'd officially move out (I'm in college rn) and not look back. I was later 100% sure of my decision to go NC when she later stole $20K from my savings account and sent a nasty email making it seem like she was the victim.
I had gotten out of a relationship with an abusive partner. A few months later during a trivial argument initiated by herself, my mom shouts that understands why my ex hit me and that any men in my life will do the same.
They made my wedding planning and wedding day absolute hell. A year later, they didn’t say happy anniversary and didn’t agree to bring a piece of our frozen wedding cake to me to celebrate when my leg was broken. So I had to take the train with a broken leg there and back to get it. They normally had no problem dropping things off to me (and vice versa) but refused this time. I don’t think they liked that I wasn’t under their control anymore. Haven’t spoken since 2018
When did I know? Probably when they caused the death of my cat. I was staying with my parents for a couple years to get back on my feet after a messy divorce. My then-girlfriend/now wife stopped by there to pick up something she'd left, and found one of my cats crippled on the living room floor. GF had seen my mother driving off in a hurry as she turned the corner to make the stop. She had mysteriously sustained a spinal injury and was a crumpled heap, scared and in pain. I had to leave work early just to go meet GF at the vet to say goodbye and have her put down. And after leaving the vet, I realized that I just couldn't do it; I couldn't confront her, because I just couldn't bear to hear the lies that would follow. So I didn't. We buried the cat at my GF's parents home. Later, mom "came home" and pretended to wonder where the cat was, but I didn't buy it for a second. I just bit my tongue and counted down the days until my move-out a few weeks later. I'm LC and "civil," but we see each other exclusively on holidays. And we don't talk. Because if we did, we wouldn't be able to get anywhere without me first needing to hear the fucking truth about what she did to my cat. And there ain't no way she'll ever be honest and take responsibility for that or anything else she's ever done. So that leaves us at the ultimate impasse.
Sister gave 91 year old unvaccinated father (because vaccines are evil) the first iteration of COVID. I wouldn’t go into unmasked, unvaccinated COVIDland (sister, brother, mom and dad) and fix everything (?) because MY HUSBAND WAS IN CANCER TREATMENT and flat could not get sick. Dad died. It became my fault. I was attacked online and by any electronic device they could. It was ridiculous, nonsensical and horrifying. There was nothing I could have done other than kill my husband too and there was no way that was happening. Bye. It’s been a few years and I’m MUCH happier. Should have done it long ago!
Long story short, I got screamed at and was called a selfish whore for spending the night at my now fiancé’s house. I was 27 at the time. And for the record, there wasn’t even any spicy time involved. We just watched a movie and fell asleep together. Came home the next morning and Nparent had a meltdown. That was the push I needed to get out from under their thumb.
My Dad was dying of a rare form of cancer. He died two months after the diagnosis. During his last months, my shitty nMom complained the entire time about him. Complained he was grouchy. Complained that hospice wasn't supporting *her*. Had the audacity to say, "I'm suffering, too!" Made it all about her. "What am I going to do financially speaking when he dies? I'm depressed. He absolutely hates me. He's so hateful." I loved my Dad so much. Our last words to each other were that we loved one another. At least I have that. As soon as I get some mementos from their house, I'm going NC with her 100%. She can rot in the misery she's made for herself.
I'll try to make it succinct, but, here goes: my brother is 10 years my junior and lived with my family up until he was about 17 years old. When he was around 16, my dad got pissed at him (for likely little to no reason) and my dad threw an empty soda bottle at him. Well, the bottle hit my brother in the head, near his eye, and obviously super shook him up. My brother called my aunt (my mom's sister), super upset. She came to get him, per his request. She let him know he had the option of finding a police report, which he opted to do. I lived (and still live) two hours away, but my brother and my aunt ended up letting me know what happened. I, of course, was in full support of my brother's decision. But I knew my parents would be outraged. I avoided my mom's phone calls for a week, until I felt like I couldn't anymore. She spent the entire phone call blaming my aunt for "giving my dad a record." I more or less said, "No, Dad did that through his behavior," but she absolutely couldn't accept that my dad's behavior was anything less than okay. No matter what I said, she couldn't see that my dad did anything wrong. I was done. I was done walking on eggshells surrounding my dad's abuse and my mom's defense of him. Shortly thereafter I wrote an email stating my needs from them in order to have a relationship from them moving forward. It's been 12 years this May since I've spoken to them.
this wasn’t my last straw but maybe should’ve been—i lost my childhood sweetheart in a really tragic way and the grieving process for me was incapacitating, especially given i was 20 at the time and hadn’t experienced much death before this. in an argument once during this time, my narcissistic mother told me he was better off dead and anyone who felt otherwise was selfish to want him around. it doesn’t even make sense why she would say that. it was fully just to hurt me, i guess.
I know you're going to feel mixed emotions for a while but going NC really is a breath of fresh air. My final straw was December of 2023. I visited family for Christmas, she barely even acknowledged I was there. I was totally fine with that, i had been very low contact with her since easter of 2022 after another incident i couldnt forgive her for. She brought a gift bag I didn't bother opening and tried to leave behind, but she had my step-dad/enabler bring it out to my car as I was leaving. He told me I "had to" thank her for the gifts by calling or texting her. It really rubbed me the wrong way, she was right back to her manipulating ways trying to get me to cross my boundary of NC. I talked with some close friends about it and they agreed with my conclusion. After that I decided to make it definitive, I wrote her a hand written letter and mailed it to her making it very clear I wanted no contact with her. It seems to have worked, haven't heard a word since, just whispers from other family.
My mom accused my husband (partner for 10 years) of being a groomer and kidnapper of me. That he has isolated me from friends and family. All on FB for everyone to see. This was because I had been low contact with her for over a year after a fight we had where I clearly set my boundaries. She would rather come up with a crazy delusional story then have to self reflect or take accountability at all.
With my Mum is was after waiting 24 hours for an ambulance to arrive to take her to hospital, when the paramedics got there she started playing games and was an hour and a half of their time, got her to hospital and after an hour and half of waiting said I was going home to eat and sleep as hand not slept for 36 hours and she just screamed and screamed to try and stop me, I had to walk out to her screaming then I said I was done, a week later my Dad out her on the phone to me, she pleased how badly she was treated at hospital recounting how horrible they were and that they "made her" piss on the floor, I grey rocked for that phone call until she triggered me by saying something my ex wife used against me," I always make sure you have money and nice things!!" Big NOPE!!! With my Dad it was after she died, he demanded I forgive her, told me the abuse was imagined/not as bad as I made out/I did something to deserve it and that I HAD to forgive her. I told him no and explained that she fucked me up and I owed her nothing, all she left me was trauma and that I was not forgiving her or coming to the funeral and hear my family tell lies and put her up on a pedestal just because she was dead He raged, devalued me, discarded me and was just a fucking child demanding I back down and crying about how I should always be there for him and saying where had they gone wrong, I went VLC but his constant badgering led me to go NC two weeks ago.
When my later mother told me she didn't care about my feelings, she didn't used that words but the meaning was the same, I told to myself, "ok that's it, I'm done" didn't talked to her for weeks. She started bothering my father to make me speak to her and I said no because of what her done, he then said she could do and say anything she wanted to me because she was my mother and she was a holy being, I had a discussion with him and was strong in myd decision. Some time before we talked and she said she would change, she did in the beginning but after some she just turned back to her old self, she got sick and died alone in a hospital bed, I felt peace for the first time in a long time, until my father took her place and is ruining my life now.
For context: My Ndad had been insulting my boyfriend behind his back because he didn't approve our relationship. He spent months trying to convince me to leave him and talked shit about him with others, too. Even my Emom told me that my Ndad was obsessed with my boyfriend. That Monday, we were having dinner and my Emom asked me about my sister-in-law, who was hospitalized at the time. My Ndad went like, "So your boyfriend was here playing videogames with you instead of being in the hospital with his own sister?" and started talking shit about him again. My Emom shut him up and asked me about something else, something unrelated and trivial that I can't even remember. All I know is that as I started to respond to her, my Ndad raised the volume of the TV over my voice. I dropped the spoon (I was having soup) and I told him very calmly, "You're SO going to die alone". Fast forward to the next day. My boyfriend is there with me, we're talking about his sister and my Ndad literally attacked us. He was mad at me for what I had told him the day before and he was mad at my boyfriend for simply existing. We locked the door and my Ndad kicked it really hard, threatening to kill my boyfriend. That day I finally understood that he has no limits. Just when I thought that he could no longer surprise me with how far he could go, he did it. My boyfriend called the police and we left together. I've been avoiding my Ndad since then.
My father had just passed and my mother tried to force me to pay alone for the inventory because I had a husband and a job and my sister, the GC, did not. I said no. A massive tantrum ensued, she told me to block her on everything and never talk to her again and I did. Never been happier.
I wanted to buy a car, i had like 3k, but she sayd she will help me and will give me extra 5k to buy a car. That she wont ask that money back. It will be present for me and my baby. So i bought a car that did cost like 7.5k and 1 year later she went like " I want that money back, pay even as little as 200€ per month and etc " So fuck it bought a new place to stay and went no contact.
When I had a sprained ankle and my father ignored me even though he was in the next room.
When my mother and her drunk boyfriend were arguing for the bazillionth time and it went physical. He threw her off the bed. I called the police. Before they arrived, she had hid his bottle of booze and closed the bedroom with him inside. When they came, she lied he was not drunk, lied he was sleeping and lied it was the first incident like this. She protected that brute. He had been continuously verbally abusive to everyone in the household and sometimes physically. I still had a sliver of concern for my (also abusive) mother. But that day it went out like a candlelight. I decided that the household was irredeemable and it was my final push to move out while still being a student. Before that finally happened, there had been similar altercations, but I had not intervened and chose to take walk instead. 5 years later, they are still together. And we have virtually no contact.
I agree with the person who wrote it's a death by a thousand cuts. I've written here before I think, but my final straw was my dad calling me an ungrateful disappointment on Thanksgiving for dying my hair black. I had a bleach blonde half shave and a pink mohawk before. But it wasn't about the hair. It was about how my once blue eyes like his had gone grey like my mother's. It's because he saw her in me and couldn't face it. It's all projection and fear and anger with them. And I like windchimes on a sunny day.