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100,000%.
I was raised by a selfish narcissist, and I look back at myself as a young person developing relationships and cringe so hard it could compress a disc.
I said wild shit out loud and acted like a fucking diva. After therapy and some serious self reflection, I can't stand the idea of the person I used to be. I often wish I could go back to apologize and explain myself but the past should be left where it is.
Self-awareness is growth.
I think of my life as being like a novel. It wouldn’t be authentic or worth reading if I had been a beautiful, perfect little person who was sweet like a child but mature like an adult, perfectly socialized right from the womb, the kind of kid who would be a child star on tv or in the movies. But I was an ordinary kid who didn’t always know what was the best thing or the most attractive way to do it. From chapter to chapter, as the story developed, so did I. That’s how it is with most of us. The percentage of kids who grow up as adorable little children is actually very small, though there are some kids who *think* they are, and act like it. These kids are also highly praised and held up as models for all the other kids to aspire to. But life is a process. You can be an awkward, shy kid who “can’t do anything right” and grow up to be amazing. Don’t lose interest in the novel about yourself and give up, stay a wonky kid the rest of your life. Imagine the greatest musicians, actors, etc. when they were grade-school kids taking lessons. They kept reading the novel.
Thanks for this. What a really beautiful way to put this in to perspective. I will keep reminding myself of this instead of feeling shame when I have those messy memories come up and try to derail my progress. 🤘❤
I will definitely remember this when I have those moments that I wish a hole would open up and swallow me. I remember feeling that my sister was the highly praised, favorite child. To this day, she is my mom's favorite. Now, after years of counseling, I can see more clearly. I have been working on my toxic traits and making changes. I am a novel in the works. I promise to keep reading and re-reading all the bits that make me a whole book.
felt this. i developed bpd from having 2 narc dads and 1 bpd mom. it was so hard trying to learn how to be healthy when all i ever learned from was toxic, unhealthy mindsets. i ruined a bunch of friendships and relationships before i knew how to control myself. i still cringe at some of the shit i did... for example, i wrote letters in calligraphy for my ex-friends and left them in their parent's mailbox because i was planning to kms 13-reasons-why style. i was 18 in highschool doing this shit... good lord.
luckily i'm doing pretty well now. i realized early that something was wrong, which im happy for. im 22 and can finally form healthy friendships.
I was going to comment something but this is it word for word. If anything keeps me up at night it’s this. And knowing that many people will (legitimately so) remember me as a massive moron without a lot of agency about it 😂
One thing that may help is to try to think of anything embarrassing you've seen them or others do. We keep a high tally on ourselves, but most of us don't do that to others. If you can't think of an embarrassing story for them, I would say chances are relatively good that they don't remember one for you either. Not saying this is 100%, but it helps me when I get too in my own head sometimes. Hope it helps
You’re the first comment and I resonate with this a lot. However, one of the biggest aspects of allowing myself to grow was not hating on how I use to be in the past. I also have bipolar disorder so narcissistic relationships have been a trend in my past. Also with this, everything I’ve done was absolutely outrageous and part of me felt like I just wanted to see how far I could go and if I would be noticed. The root cause of the problem was lack of love from my mother.
I forgive myself and although I sometimes cringe and wish I could forget, it’s a part of me. Nothing changes except for ourselves and present and future me has had such a huge turn around that I feel it’s almost impossible for me to hate who I was. I just don’t think I’d be as great now if I didn’t have any of these experiences.
Also kind of relieving talking about by past and seeing how shocked and impressed by what others call my “soap opera of a life” and how commendable it is to see my growth right in front of them. It reminds me of the power I had to not let anything stop me or bring me down from being better.
Same. I still sometimes apologize to my partner about me being the way I used to be. And I still apologize to those I was a piece of shit to in the past
You don't have to forget, you just have to forgive yourself. You're just a person who was learning. And considering you're here, I would assume you were doing that relatively on your own if not being actively torn down. It's ok, mistakes happen. The important thing is what we do after.
Oh my god, SAME. Thank god for a decade and a half of therapy, an incredibly patient husband who actually saw who I really am when we met 20+ years ago, and cutting my narcissist father out of my life 15 years ago. I was a *terrible* person up until my mid-twenties, and it makes me cringe so hard I’m surprised I haven’t broken teeth.
I love what you said: self-awareness is growth. It really, really is. And genuine compassion towards others helps change your worldview and the way you treat other people.
You’re right. We need to be kind to ourselves especially given that when we’re young, we only know what we’ve been exposed to in our homes. We don’t- we can’t- know anything else.
And the fact that we chose to change when we realized that the way we were raised was wrong? That shows who we really are. We are good people.
I am embarassed but I have embraced it. I have a newsletter and i write about the bratt I was because I couldn’t do better and because my parents couldn’t do better either. I advocate a lot about positive parenting and I feel I am healing at all by raising my daughter with love and respect.
100% this. It means you're healing but not quite there yet. Give yourself more time and you'll learn to accept not only your current but also your past self.
Yes. I was never taught the importance of kindness or empathy. My parents constantly gossip about and pick apart EVERYONE. Weight gain, weird hairline, ugly car or house, annoying laugh. You name it.
Those are the things I’d notice or hear them say about people, and in return, gossip about my peers regarding while growing up. A horrible way to be and I makes me so sad I thought that was “normal” and everyone does it and “was probably doing it about me”. The older I got I was a rude, loud diva.
I married such an amazing man who comes from a solid upbringing and has taught me so much about what “normal” behavior, love, loyalty and empathy is. I thank god everyday.
I have a very similar experience! I am so grateful for my husband. When I would act out and carry the fleas in our daily life we would tell me he loved me and that he knows this isn’t who I am but a product of being raised by a an abusive alcoholic father and a narc mom. Sorry I just had to say it to the world that he is a miracle in my life.
Same!! My parents bond by talking shit about everyone. Who gained weight, which family friend is having marriage problems (the horror!), the news anchor on TV has bad hair, which aunt took a vacation that they’re jealous of and bitter about this week, which cousin lives in a trailer now, etc. My mom lives to gossip. I thought it was normal growing up. I finally called my mom out on it at christmas a couple years ago after she started talking shit about my aunt (who was in the house) in front of me. You can imagine how well that went, lol. And hooray for healthy marriages! I married an emotionally healthy man too and it’s done wonders for my mental health, not to mention he sees right through their behavior!
We have the same mother ! I thought it was normal too and I used to act like her until my teenage years. I feel so ashamed of myself now when I think about all the shit I said.
I remember when I started to tell my mother that it wasn't a normal thing to do and that she should stop, it went pretty bad. I stood up, and after a while she would say only nice things in my presence, but behind my back she talked shit about me twice more.
Same for me. Constant shit talking of others for no reason. Then when I would repeat what my parents said, because was a child, and it got back to the person they said it about I was the one who got punished.
whistle unwritten concerned deranged steer jobless muddle far-flung stocking wipe
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I’m sorry!! This sounds exactly like my family. My mom has become her own version of “religious and spiritual”. But instead of being part of a community she picks and chooses her own rules, adjusts some to her benefit, and follows them to a tee. She joins zoom services only and walks around blasting them whether she’s home or out at a restaurant.
My husband and I were “raised” in different religions. We’re not raising our child to be anything more than a good person who can make their own decisions. She’s regularly told me that she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to “love and connect” with my kids and she is very concerned we will not be joining her in the same heaven due to our lack of devotion.
This reminds me of my ex's mother. She thought that the Virgin Mary herself talked to her in her sleep. She thinks that they have a lot in common, like the suffering they both went through. She compared losing a son by crucifixion like Mary did, to having a son who rejected religion. She even wrote a book called Holy Mary's confessions, a story of a young woman whose children caused her so much pain.
I still wonder how I managed to stay stoic when she told me all this, that was so crazy.
yeah my parents, especially my mom talk shit SO much and I thought it was normal to be that negative and jaded. I chased so many people away with my negativity when I was younger.
In my experience the reunions were creepy. Especially if you escaped a small town. Literary zero change except angry liver bloat as far as the eye could see. Grown ass parents sneaking off to the grubby bathroom to hook up with old school “first loves” omg horrid.
Kinda same but they didn't talk crap about hairlines and stuff, they talk crap about personality traits of others. But it's always like listing their own lmao
Wowwww, literally my life. It’s like gossiping about others is the way my family “bonds” it’s so weird. I would literally get my ass whooped all the time for repeating what my parents were saying about other family members. Never made sense to me
My parents were also like this so I grew up to be like that too. I hate thinking back to how gossipy and judgmental I was. I’m not like that anymore and my children are better kids too because of that.
I've never heard this so well articulated. My dad would often make these comments in earshot of the person in public and it was humiliating. But, I followed suit and was super judgemental of everyone until I was 20 or so.
Thank you.
For those struggling with sobriety the first few days, weeks, and months are difficult. Stay strong and true to yourself. Do not let anyone deter you from your goal of sobriety if you do intend to rid yourself of harmful substances.
That's so weird because it was the opposite for me when I used to drink. It helped me to feel free to not give a shit about what my family thought, and stopped going to family events. I was so much happier at the time. Too bad alcohol was just a crutch for what I should be able to decide to do sober. When I'm sober, I'm such a pushover(pretty sure due to high anxiety), and fall for narcissist traps more often. But it's just another challenge to overcome I suppose.
I've been sober for a few months. I had to put myself into a new situation to get myself to stop. I appreciate the advice. I still am not doing enough reflecting.
Yes, all the time. I just learned some horrible ways from my nparent—meanness, creepiness, learned helplessness—just ick. Therapy cleared out a lot of that baggage, but it’s been a while since I dived back in. Talking about specific memories in therapy and putting them in context of the abuse I grew up in really helped to give me compassion for myself and let go. But I haven’t done that in years and it seems like there’s always more memories. I need to get back to it, take out the garbage.
abounding head attraction physical rain humor illegal dolls skirt different
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i used to be unhygienic due to neglect. I couldn't provide for myself because they were so greedy and just wanted to use me and make me codependent so me having resources would make them latch worse. they used to try to go after my friends too. It was ridiculous trying to work my way up to cut them off and of course they discarded me into being homeless. They made sure I had no life skills. They made sure I was in the wrong part of society . They controlled every single thing I said or did. Every emotion displayed. They work in packs.
It is still not easy to realise that most of my family members knew what was going on and that they know what they are and were doing. They were actually aware of everything. How I spiralled down, what problems I had and that I could be helped back then. But no, they just let that all happen, because it just fit our family system.
I have LITERAL cringe attacks. I alarm people on the subway. In quiet moments when I get into my own thoughts, pretty soon I start physically twitching and making noises like I've been stung by a bee or something. And it's all just from memories of minor things I wish I could have done differently.
I do that too. Sort of bent forward and moaning or groaning like I'm in real pain. I even someone will say Noooo very quietly to myself.
I didn't act like a narc but just like an extremely awkward undiagnosed autistic girl with horrible social skills.
That happens to me too. Sometimes when I do or *almost* do something that resembles my former self and all the circumstances surrounding it, I sigh or even uggh. I’ve started noticing that for what it is, a ghost from the past, and have gotten better at squelching the sigh. That kid isn’t me any more, and nobody in my present life would notice it. Other people don’t see those “ghosts”.
Yes. I used to be an absolutely horrible person (by my standards now based on therapy and growth). I was mirroring what I was taught; the way I was treated. It was the only “normal” I’d known growing up. It makes me sick to think about the person I used to be.
Don’t let the ideation get to you. You’re worth too much for that. Stupid stuff isn’t worth unaliving. Whether you learn from that stupid stuff or not, it’s still just stupid stuff. You seem to have learned “somehow” to be a much harsher critic of yourself than anybody else could be.
Oh definitely. As a teenager I was emulating my narc family and still had fleas into my twenties and thirties.
Being in my fifties now has brought the distance and self-forgiveness that we need, but yes, I still cringe from time to time to think of how I was!
It's good to know that time can really help. I'm in the throes of waking up to everything and it's been so hard. I'm not giving myself the patience and grace I need to process everything. I can't make time go any faster. I guess I'm afraid of falling back into my old ways and mindset.
We copy how hard our parents were on us, and we do it to ourselves. I believe being afraid of being like them is the motivation that ensures we keep trying lol!
This is very helpful to hear. I am in my late thirties and really just identified my family of narcs. I am slowly differentiating my behavior for how I ideally want to behave vs. how I was conditioned and it has been rough.
I have one brief romantic relationship in which I was absolutely the most toxic element. Even years later I wish I could apologize to her (but alas that would be violating her boundary so I remain). Yes I try not to spend too much time thinking about it unless I’m in a place for positive reflection. Otherwise it’s just rumination and that can spiral
All. The. Time.
I'm constantly thinking back to how I treated my friends and roomates in high school and college. I was toxic as FUUUUCK.
Thankfully I'm growing, healing, and improving.
I definitely had “flea bites” as all children look to their parents to learn how to behave. I, unfortunately, had a terrified mother and a violent narcissistic father. I mega cringe at moments from the past BUT it comforts me because it also means that I am reflecting and questioning my actions where a narcissist would just always assume they were right. The worst trait was bringing conversations back to me and my stories. As an adult, I may offer stories to show that I can relate or understand and then hand the conversation back.
this exactly. my therapist said to at least give myself grace for recognizing that the things i did were wrong but that i didn’t know any better at the time, and that i’m willing to improve from all that mess.
it’s hard to even give myself grace.
We can only do our best with what we have and know at any given time. That's it. No better. And that goes for EVERYONE on the planet. Hugs, I know the feeling all too well.
Yes. And it hard to forgive myself cause I used to be golden before I was the scape. I was young tho. My older brothers alternated the scapegoat. I used to lecture them and stuff for my mom. But we were all experiencing her abuse. I wish I was more of an ally instead of that that for my mom. Especially since they passed away. And early and tramatically too. I'm still young at 32 they were 6 and 1.5 years older than me back then they died at age 26 and 25. I miss them so much and I grieve so much. Of the life they could have had, the life they did have and the missing presence of them
I was. But then I read something about feeling cringe when u remember how u used to be is a sign that u have grown and became a better person. It is an indication that u have overgrown ur old ways and started to think different. I also read other articles that say that if it wasn't for old u being like that, u wouldn't be who u r today.
Ever since, I'm never bothered about how I used to be. Old me deserves compassion and love, she didn't know better and that's OK. She is still lovable and amazing. She's just learning how to be human with the best she can.
Yes. It's important to know that just because u were stuck in that mine field for a while and some of the black ash, torn clothes and some injuries stayed with you even after u got out , it is OK. I promise it's not ur fault.
U did what u had to do to survive and uve been the way u've been because u had no other choice. old you is brave and strong and should be cherished even if their actions don't sit well with u well now, old you is still worthy of love and compassion.
I think narcissistic and generally selfish behavior is on a spectrum and some people had it a lot worse and others a lot better. I definitely had a mix too...Sometimes I question myself, other times I'm like "this post right here. This really fits the bill." If you think something is off, it's off.
Yep. I don’t relate to every post on here, but there are ones that I do.
Also since narcissism can be comorbid with a lot of mental disorders and illnesses, there’s going to be differences for some people and how their parents narcissism presents or the things they do.
I know my nDad has another mental illness, but a lot of things he’s done can be attributed to his narcissism. Whether or not his other illness exaggerates things or changes things isn’t important because there are things I relate to here, more so than the other subreddit for his other illness.
Could be that you're holding your past self to an impossibly high standard. We are all fallible and have to learn from our mistakes to grow.
How long ago are these embarrassments from? You ruminate on them constantly? Can you tell me one positive thing you ever did that was worthy of even the tiniest bit of pride?
yeah definitely. these embarrassing moments are from like 5-15 years ago. I've actually done quite a bit that I'm proud of, but I'm never sure how much "credit" to take for things, if you know what I mean. self confidence has been a real struggle for me, as in allowing myself to feel good about what I have done.
The shame is probably my parents voice in my head.
Since your parents never praised you or pointed out your good traits and accomplishments, you need to nurture yourself. They wanted to make sure you stayed “less than” they were, which may have been a very low bar for you to stay under. Think about your good qualities, talents, abilities and accomplishments and continue being you, not what they wanted you to be.
Great post. I love these super weird nuanced ways we can all relate lol.
I do in fact have the cringe attacks but as others have mentioned, bc I wasn’t taught basic things, spent a lot of years floundering acting dumb and being called out in my life.
It builds hella thick skin and tons of character though, at the very least count for funny stories to tell at dinner parties.
Yes 1000%. My mom was my first bully and her abuse turned me into someone Im not proud of. She would costantly talk shit about me and everyone else. But she framed it as a joke. I guess you could say how she related to me, talking bad about others to make herself feel good. As a kid, like 6 or 7 I started doing this at school. I thought it was how you make friends.
Only after tons of therapy I realized what a bully I was. I reached out to the peopke I hurt and apologized to them. Im disgusted that I was ever that person. I dont behave that way anymore, but I cant help but still feel like a bad person and like I can never make up for it.
Oh yes. Looking back on all the crazy, impulsive things I did during ages 15-25 is maybe the hardest part about this. I felt so lost, had no identity, no boundraries and no-one to turn to. Some are the sort of things an addict would do, absolutely no self-knowledge or thinking about long term consequences or goals, just surviving and reacting day by day.
I would probably have been a completely different person if I had grown up with parents who would have reflected back to me who I was instead of having to spend my 20s figuring it out from nothing
Eh, I was doing the best I could with what I knew. If I had known better I would have been better. The words that came out of my mouth were not mine.
I am better now, I use my life to make the world a better place. All of this madness before we un-health, they were pain, suffering with no solution. Anyone who knew what was happening would have seen that I was someone suffering, anyone who didn't know I was like that were lucky to not have known in their lives such suffering.
I had no confidence courtesy of a lifetime of: you could look so nice if you'd just:
. Lose some weight
. Stand straight
. Learn how to dress better
. Be more sociable
Plus 1,000s of other criticisms
It's hard when you are assured that you are following in the footsteps of a gorgeous near supermodel who had men falling at her virginal and elusive feet. Yeah, the narcissism was strong in hindsight, but I still believed it. I absolutely cringe for how I was and that her imaginary life was my benchmark.
Yes. I was inner circle. I helped run the empire. I fixed, and made peace, I entertained and put on lavish production. I believed in the empire. I sold the empire to others and brought in new faces. I defended the empire and build myself around it trading my future for the survival and flourishing of the empire. I was convinced my scapegoating was deserved and tried harder to please. I would give anything for those people because I was worth absolutely nothing and only valued in service to them.
All I can say is that I finally felt pain down to my soul for it all. The grief is humiliating, awful, regretful and comes in flashes. It’s such a gift to finally feel the pain and have a chance at being me. But cringe, oh indeed!
Bonus round goes to the narcissist that will help you exploit a crutch and drive you to feed it to cover pain.
Wishing you all the strength, resilience, love and joy you need to be free.
Life begins now my friend.
I realize as an adult that so much of my childhood was spent parenting and waiting on my own mother so that I didn't die or get tortured in retribution, while being her target for anything she was displeased about even if It didn't involve me. I realized and mourned for yrs that I will never have a mother or family except two family members that actually cared. I was denied an actual childhood, love, and nurturing that I spent many yrs wrongly seeking it from others. I didn't have a sense of self until I was a broken down adult and had survived many traumas and abuse. I entirely understand why I was who I was. I'm never going to shame that unloved child, nor the angry teen, nor the lost young adult. They didn't ask for nor deserve what my mother and her flying monkeys did to them nor the narcissists who targeted me later on. We're still healing one step at time, and deserve grace and understanding. I have regrets but I understand where the thoughts and actions came from. I found myself in my thirties, went NC, moved states away, gave up a lot to be safe. Keep healing, sometimes we also need to remember those past selves were hurting and show ourselves compassion.
I think it’s a universal function of the human brain to hold on to the memories of being mortified. I heard a scientist say that when he tries to get to sleep his brain will always say “let’s go over the bloopers reel, shall we?”.
I practically implode from all the cringey stuff I did. I am not proud of that person I used to be. I'm trying to give myself some grace, but the person I was wasn't someone I was proud of. But I was also someone who was trying their best while growing up being treated like crap and being extremely isolated and raising myself.
I just had the realization that if I talked to others, the way nmom and brother spoke to me, I’d be an asshole. If it’s not ok for others to be spoken to like that, it’s not ok for me to be spoken to like that. Here comes the boundaries.
I think it’s completely normal to be embarrassed by some of the things we did as children and teens. Having dysfunctional parents made it worse, but I have yet to meet anyone who didn’t do anything once (especially as a teen) that they are at now slightly embarrassed that they did.
What has bothered me more recently is the assumption by people who knew you during that period that you hadn’t changed. I recently met up with two mothers of two of my childhood friends. Both assumed that I would still be selfish teen that I was and one had her mouth agape when I told her I would be paying for lunch.
You just made me think of a boy who was an unholy terror in school. I didn’t realize he was an entitled kid because I didn’t know he was from a very rich and influential family. At the time, his last name didn’t ring a bell. Parents may or may not have been narcs, so I don’t know if his behavior was acting out from abuse at home or if he was a narc in training. I see him on TV once in awhile acting like the respectable owner of a large corporation, and I still think of him as that bratty kid. Maybe he grew out of that and maybe he didn’t. I’ll never run up against him so it doesn’t matter to me personally, but I think it’s 50/50 that he’s now a good man or still entitled when he’s off camera.
At one time yes, now I’m really proud that I healed past the wreck I was raised to be. I could’ve easily been a narcissist, or a drug addict, or a prostitute. There are many alternate futures you did not choose though you easily could have. If you grew past any of the bad stuff implanted in you, give yourself the compassion you’d give a friend who has struggled to overcome. It’s part of the healing process, to be in that cringe and then let it go after you’ve properly processed and amended what you have access to. Solidarity and love to you.
Solidarity and love to you for avoiding those traps you could have fallen into as a result of your upbringing. You had a lot of self-respect to aspire to be more than your n-parents wanted you to be. There but for the grace of God go I. I also could have fallen into some kind of failed life.
I distinctly remember saying to myself you can go the manipulative way or the kind way. I was already about 13. I consciously chose kindness. However, it took me about 20 years to realize I was a flying monkey. For that I am disgusted with myself. I do come from 4 generations of narcs and both of my parents are narcs. Everyone in the family knows I’m different. They can’t put their finger on it lol. The closest they can come is that I am strong, independent and smart. Those things are nice but the most important thing is empathy lol. Obviously they have no clue what this is so they don’t mention it. Lol
Oh, absolutely. Being raised by narcissistic jerks basically meant I had no social skills or understanding of appropriate behavior. I was a little brat.
I cut off my family 6 years ago and I cringe at the way I left, I wish I spoke up for myself more.
But in general I cringe at the person I was even 3 years ago. I’ve always cringed at the person I used to be. In a couple years I’ll cringe about the person I am today.
Yea. I feel like I left a cult. Looking back I was in a daze and experiencing severe trauma. I lived in a small town and it feels humiliating, remembering all of my social faux pas and people I hurt by being so shut down I wouldn’t even say hi to folks I know in public. Stuff like that. Plus falling into addiction.
I stopped drinking and I’m in grad school now. I’m so happy I moved. I’m left with all the pieces and my grief feels like an abyss but I feel free. Maybe I have a second chance here and hopefully it’s not too late for me to build the life I dream of
It’s one reason I need to remain living alone. Being autistic with nparents and thus having to learn everything social-related myself through humiliating, degrading, dehumanising trial and error, I now cringe so hard at random memories of things I did or said at whichever point throughout my life, I just can’t help but scream out loud from the pain of it all (random shakes and twitches have recently developed too). I’ve also taken to punching myself to soothe the self grief. Most of it would’ve been avoided if I’d just been taught the rules, ins and outs of the social game from the start, but no, nparents didn’t think I was capable of it and they never listened to me.
I know, but it does mitigate the pain to an extent. Toxic shame is a killer. I’ve just finished thawing from Fuctional Freeze (which I was in since 2005) and am now working through the fight or flight stages, so the urge should eventually go away once I return to regular ventral vagal state at long last. 36 year old male here btw
Yup. I didn't start getting my shit together mentally and emotionally until I was about 29, I am 31 now, and look back with disgust and disappointment. My biggest thing is I was VERY emotionally manipulative. And wondering why I didn't see how awful my behavior was back then when it is so obvious to me now. You're definitely not alone.
Yes all the time. I used to be overbearing and possessive with my friends, like my mom was with me, crossed boundaries like they didn’t exist, made fun of people who did nothing to me, poked at peoples insecurities, tried to give everyone my opinion and if they didn’t wanna hear it I didn’t care, I was overall an entitled brat who only cared about my feelings unless it was convenient for me. I was a real asshole for most of my life and still am sometimes because i’m so used to it and only realize in the moment which is better than nothing but I want to grow and be a better person now because I realize the ways my behavior was and can be harmful. I’ve lost almost every friend i’ve made in time and i’m probably gonna be a loner until I figure this shit out. I have no idea what you’re going through, but you’re not alone.
Sometimes. But then I remember something that I read somewhere along the lines of "your first reaction is how you were taught to react, your second reaction shows who you truly are"
Don't blame yourself for not knowing any better.
Oh for sure. I was a total dick when I was in my teens... And for what? I think back to the unnecessary fights I started and arguments I butted into that I had no businesses butting into, especially on Facebook. I even apologized to my brother recently for a couple of them since I think back to them every now and then. He laughs and calls them my "asshole days" and we do laugh looking back... But I do feel bad now that i'm a matured person.
Experiencing balding humbled me because I used to be so wrapped up in wanting attention from women and was always concerned with how I look in public. Now I couldn’t give a fuck as I now accept myself for who I am. This came from the absence of attention I needed from growing up without a mother. But yeah stuff like that used to cringe me out
I judge my past behavior like my mother used to judge me. I hate it, but I’m getting better by reminding myself that I’d never judge my best friends’ past actions as harshly as I do my own. It really feels like an uphill battle some days, though
Yes, absolutely. To everyone who needs to read this- Please don’t be so hard on yourself. There are so many trips you can go on, guilt trips are the worst and they don’t accomplish anything. Cringe briefly and then be proud of yourself for being self aware and learning and working to move beyond that!
Yep. I was pretty angry for a very long time. I realize now I was essentially taught (modelled behaviour) that freaking out, yelling, screaming, being hurtful, and defaulting to anger was normal. Also I realize now it’s very normal to be angry (or even a bully) when you’re the one being bullied at home. I did bully other kids and it really makes me sick. I was like mid-level bully. I wasn’t even a “cool kid” lol.
But it makes me sad. Knowing how I used to be. Knowing how long I did it for. I don’t feel it aligns with who I am now and I question if it did when I was a child. I seriously think I just didn’t know how to not be angry and mean. I was incredibly depressed.
It continued on into teenage years - not as bad as when I was younger, but still cringey moments.
It helped me to realize two important things:
Kids, and even young adults, are, for the most part, not doing what they have *decided* to do - they are *reacting* to their environment with the tools they have been provided.
Secondly, the ppl who were supposed to provide them with a warm, supportive, safe environment and developmentally appropriate tools failed utterly. Sometimes the failure is due to incompetence , and sometimes due to deliberate willful cruelty, but the results are the same: the dependent is left with deficits not of their own making.
It sets a kid up to fail, while at the same time denying them the resources to handle the failure.
All the shame and the guilt belongs squarely on the shoulders of the abusers, not on the victim of the abuse.
Same. I was a simpering fawn who chased (awful) men who treated me terribly, I let friends treat me like a doormat, one friend even slapped me across the face, I was bullied at work by adult mean girls and just let them do it. I used to drink too much and act like the embarrassing drunk no one wants to be around. I was quite literally, a hot mess. I sometimes wonder who I would’ve been without the childhood trauma and abuse.
Totally. I think at my worst was when I was 14-20. Literally no one helped me as a teen even though all I wanted to do was get away from my Nmom and her abusive boyfriends and I wanted to attend therapy but I was never on any healthcare plan & my school didn’t do anything for me other than send me home with pamphlets about domestic violence for my mom. I took out lots of my insecurities on other people instead of just walking away & was controlling in friendships.
I’m always afraid I’ll lose it and go off on someone and be exactly like my mom. I just stay away from people who trigger me and continue weekly therapy.
Yes. But i find myself more and more compassionate towards my younger self. I dont cringe any more. I tell my younger version i dont have to do these things and I that i feel sad for her she thought she had to (to be relevant, to be seen, whatever the situation is). Be kind to your (younger) self.
Yes but then I remind myself that there's nothing cringe about a child using the only defense mechanisms they know to protect themselves against trauma when baseline is already hell.
I know what you mean like, I used to treat people as if I expected them to be my dad, and I'd get confused when the stuff would work for my dad but not my boss, spouse, teacher, best friend... and lose opportunities and relationships. I was in a perpetual state of confusion! Ugh. But after therapy I'm so much better. I'm finally able to kick those inner demons and see they were just my demon dad's voice, not mine. I'd like to ignore him as much as possible so like, why would I want to hear him anymore I just tell him to go away and guess what my relationships are better now. Sorry dad 😆
So yes, we're proof WE grew up, unlike our Nparent.
I had no idea how to portray healthy behaviors. I was a manipulative, depressed teen. It was all that was modeled for me. I was taught that life was just miserable. I thought the sadness in our house was normal.
I didn't have the information or help I have now. I was also young and likely autistic.
That was my pilot episode..I can't let it impact the rest of the show. ;)
Unfortunately I do and they are so vivid and painful. I’m so ashamed because I know deep down I wouldn’t have behaved in those ways had I not been raised by monsters. I was a miniature version of what I saw and experienced. I honestly mean this: I didn’t know any better. It was like I just moved and acted without thought. I was dumb and impulsive and I emulated the trash that surrounded me. No one could ever punish me for my crazy behaviors more than myself. I will forever be deeply sorry to anyone I hurt, including myself.
My narc parents cling on to the version of me that lived under their roof. They still talk to me like I’m seventeen until I try to have a conversation about finances and needing assistance with something. That’s the only time they’ll treat me like an adult and tell me that I should have it all figured out already at my age. The rest of the time, they’ll go on and on about how they know my patterns, my track record and my “lack of motivation” — I’d say this is the only time I cringe because my parents always feel the need to bring it up. Thoughts about being inefficient will flood my mind
I’m thirty now. I’ve outgrown that version of me over a decade ago
Absolutely! I spent a big portion of my later teen years depressed and angry and didn’t know why. I was constantly made to feel like I was the problem, and that I was just an “angry person” when in reality it was just a normal reaction to being raised by emotionally immature people and being gaslit all the time. I internalized the hell out of it and spent the majority of my 20s a borderline alcoholic with terrible coping mechanisms, a lack of boundaries, and people pleasing to death. I dated a string of emotionally abusive men and had moments where I was a toxic partner myself. I was a hot mess and couldn’t take accountability for a long time; it’s 1000% how I was raised. I finally had an epiphany once I read up on narcissistic behavior and it checked all the boxes for my mom (and eDad) and got into therapy. I’m in a healthy marriage now, VLC with my family and in the middle of studying for a bachelor’s degree now that I finally have self-confidence; separating myself from that toxic enmeshment and seeing a therapist has turned my life around for the better.
Looking back, I cringe so hard at the person I was. But she was lost and didn’t know any better. She lacked a genuine support network and emotional connection with the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally and I wish I could give her the biggest hug.
Yeah. I did some terrible things and overlooked other people doing terrible things. I was not raised in love or loyalty. I know better now and will never do those things again. I know I can be better.
I think we all have to let go of any guilt or shame about the survival strategies we developed from being abused. When we learn better we do better. Shame serve no purpose. Guilt only serves the purpose of providing us with information needed to grow and improve. Once guilt has served the purpose of letting us know we are out of sync with our true values, we need to release it.
I’m experiencing this from a different angle. I’m watching my now teen son align with his narc dad and reject me from his life. I understand what he’s going through because I went through it too with his dad. As his mom, I love him no matter what and have come to recognize he’s in survival mode which drives his behaviors and choices. It’s textbook coercive control. I’ve done everything in my power to protect him in the family courts but was not successful. Now, it’s up to my son to choose the man he wants to become, I don’t know when he will wake up but I hold hope that he will, his heart is so good. I’m focused on my healing and grieving so that when he sees his dad for what he is, I’m here to help and support his healing journey. All this to say, those who you may have been horrible to, may also be grateful for the day you realized the root cause of your behaviors and choices and want to heal yourself and the relationship. Every one of your stories gives me hope for my son - thank you.
absolutely! I picked up so many of my toxic mom’s subconscious manipulation tactics and problematic behaviors. I used to be an absolutely terrible partner. I feel bad being i a happy and healthy relationship now and always worry somehow my current partner will run into my ex I was particularly toxic to. I know all I can do is be the best I possibly can now but holy fuck, I don’t feel like I deserve what I have now.
I’m in my early 30s now, I’ve spent the last 10yrs living away from all my family and just living with my now spouse.
I can’t believe just how much nicer I am when I’m not constantly feeling the need to defend myself from those that claim to love me. When I don’t have to literally get into fights to just ensure I have access to my prescription medication without someone else trying to control it and trying to make me go against my doctor’s instructions I’m not nearly as stressed.
Having a partner that I can confide insecurities to without having them immediately use those weaknesses to cause me pain or distress is something that can’t be overstated in it’s importance. Having a space truly feel safe with him was really the first time in my life I felt free to explore and grow as a person.
It also gave me the space and time to realize that like at least half of my family’s “funny stories” were just the group laughing at our own abuse and mistreatments. It’s not funny that I almost drown at the beach and my family had been too busy at my sputtering and flailing as the waves kept pulling me back in and shoving me into the sand as the waves slapped into me and the shoreline (I was only 6-7) and they then laughed harder as I recovered without their aid and screamed at them for their lack of concern and objectively horrible parenting.
It wasn’t funny or appropriate for my grandma to buy her 12 and 14yr old girls tiny silk nighties for Christmas and outright force them to wear and show them off to the adults, most of which happened to be men and one of which likely drugged both of those girls that same year as they’re both missing time from when he was the only adult watching them and he was convicted for the abuse he caused my own sibling decades later.
There’s so much unnecessary pain and trauma that has been going on in my family for generations it’s hard to figure out just who was enabling and who was instigating. I know that my mothers mother causes lots of problems even if she does have periods where she is lovely. I know that my cousin was as at least as much my bully as she was my friend. I know she basically groomed me and I have no idea who groomed her because it all started when both of us were like 6, she’a a bit under a year older so I have to assume she was mimicking behaviors shown to her by other people. I don’t outright blame her or think of her as a bad person, but she absolutely did things (mostly emotional manipulations) that still effect me in my relationships to this day. It’s so hard to untangle who I was from who I am now but most of the hard and painful parts came from the first 20yrs, not the ten that have followed
Oh yeah, I rejected a lot of what my shitty parents put out there but some stuff I was just programmed too early to not adopt as a normal; like prioritizing men and their feelings, giving way too many fucks about the male gaze, and putting myself and girlfriend last or low on the priority list.
I even remember myself acting in ways making me feel so wrong bc I used to ask my mother advices about how to stand up for myself in school for example, how to be with other kids and... damned i'm still ashamed, theses were the worst advices ever
Well to be honest...I still get cringe attacks about who I am. But a lot of times it's not a black and white answer. Yes I still do behave cringe but in shitty situations. Turns out after all those years of being hyper vigilant or just overloaded with distressing emotions and circumstances I didn't really learn to focus on my own behaviour. I am an expert when it comes to group dynamics or societal behaviours of others but i forgot to ask myself the question what part I do play in these dynamics or systems or environment or whatever. Self differentiation brought me a lot of answers, but I am still finding it hard to be a stable personality in this world. And people see that. Self compassion also helps. I never had anyone to mirror me back in an authentic way, so my behaviours and personality just went in...whatever direction my circumstances got me going. But one shall never forget that almost everyone struggles with the same problems you are to a certain degree. Growing up with narcissistic parents is just a very bad starting point. It's maddening how self reflected or true I am to myself when I am alone and reflect deeply, but when I am with people slide back into old behaviour models. It makes me sad on a deep level and sometimes I feel really hopeless about the whole situation. I sometimes dream about just leaving my hometown and start somewhere new, but that's just a fantasy world I am escaping into to give myself hope and positive feelings for a while. But I guess for a lot of people, especially for folks who have narcissistic parents, this is something they struggle with. And you also have gotten very far, to reflect upon old behaviours. It's likely that you acted the best you could, given your past experiences. So don't beat yourself up because of it too much. Life goes on and so do you.
We weren’t mature enough at that time, otherwise we would never do it. But now, we have realized and it’s in our control. Thinking about people, no one cares, so don’t worry. If you’ve realized, just look forward. Trust me, I was loud, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, but didn’t know the right and wrong. But we can control everything now.
The *only* thing that keeps me from cringing is my SO. He apparently saw the real me and has stood by me through this entire exhausting process of "untangling" myself.
Because he was able to see *me* separate from my actions, I am able to see that my actions were not me. That person in the past wasn't me, *I* was locked inside of myself, trying my best to not exist.
Omg yes! Sometimes I feel like I wanna crawl out of my own skin just by the thought of some of the (mostly cringe and overly dramatic) things I did and how I behavied.
Cause damn I was messed up and seriously needed help (which I fortunately was able to make sure I got later).
For some reason I have never thought about other people might be feeling the same way.
Thank you saying this "out loud" - I personally needed to hear it.
Yes. I understand that people generally don't remember the stuff that haunts me. I myself don't remember anyone else's embarrassing moments, and I know very few people are going to remember mine. It would be infinitely healthier to let it all go - if only I knew how.
My biggest cringe moment is remembering what a toxic, asshole I was to the first love of my life. I was demanding and perfect, he always did something wrong and he had to change to stay with me. That's really how I treated a lot of people as I was emulating my narc parents and I went on a bender of mass manipulation and use of others after he had enough of my shit and left me. Being such an asshole makes me feel ill to think about, but man oh man did I get my karma one mentally abusive relationship after another after my first love + bender of using others. I've learned to humble myself, love others correctly and the importance of boundaries (other people's and mine).
I had to teach myself to be a person when I moved out from home. I didn’t know how to clean myself, or take care of myself, and I was mean and distrusting of people. When my dad left and I moved back in with mom I realized just how many terrible behaviours I had learned from him.
I’m still embarrassed about the way I used to be (all the time), and I try to be better every single day but when my friends say they love me or say anything nice about me, I feel icky. It’s like I feel that they’re wrong and I can’t change and be good, even though I know logically I’ve changed a lot for the better even just in the last five years.
All the time, like pretty much daily. I actually just posted about that time in my life ending on another thread.
I had real issues processing emotions with my peers. It made me cruel and at times violent and flat out crazy, yelling and screaming at them. I was a bully. I was also unfortunately a popular child, so my peers fed into my crazy for a long time and usually followed my lead. Before the end of 5th grade, I had driven 3 children out of not just my classroom or school, but flat out of the district. Their parents moved them out of the county.
In junior high I started to come to terms with who I was becoming and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to be my parents. Making others feel small doesn't make me better. I worked to make positive changes in my life. It took some time but I got there. One of the girls ended up coming back in HS, and I apologized to her. I couldn't undo the damage I caused but I made an effort to not let it get worse.
I used to be one of those pick me girls when I was around 15, then in my mid-twenties I was one of those fake ass 'girlboss' career girls and now...I am neither. Not depending on anyone's approval anymore, not even my own (if that makes sense).
Thank you to me and thank you therapy!
My whole family has always been openly and proudly homophobic, misogynistic and racist. I thought it was normal to be mean to my female friends because they got boyfriends or they were wearing dresses and going out. I lost all my female friendships because of this and it took me soooo long to get over being a hater. I had so much internalised misogyny and I was truly the worst for so many years. I fully blame my parents for this.
Yes. Like sometimes so bad I could be doing a task like the dishes and remember a messed up thing I did as a literal kid, and my face squishes up in horror. It’s usually so fast it feels spontaneous/reflexive. It catches me off guard, so that seems bizarre. Also if someone were to witness me unaware it would prolly look like I’d discovered a severed head under the soap suds.
I’ve caught myself wondering if I myself am also narcissistic. I score highly on questionnaires on the subject. My therapist assured me that I was not.
However, I did speak the narc language. It’s how I learned to communicate. I had a narc mom, dad, and older sister. Narcissism was the culture I grew up in. Never admit you’re wrong, judge the world harshly, think of ourselves as different and better than everyone else. Gaslighting? Totally normal behavior. Manipulation, playing the victim, entitlement, black and white thinking, love-bombing, discarding - every day, always.
Thankfully I was able to leave home when I was 18 and moved far, far away. I made friends and my way in the world, and it was such a crude awakening to discover simple things like “it’s wrong to lie”, and “when you are wrong admit it and apologize”.
It took me until I was in my 40s to realize there was no love coming from my family of origin. They were a bottomless thankless hole of take, take, take. It was never going to be enough.
I’ve been NC with my parents and LC with my siblings for over 12 years. In my 50s now finally feel like I’ve gained my sanity back.
Yeah... as a teen I used to think that "society's" criteria for child abuse was far too lenient and silly because "my parents beat me/did worse and I turned out fine".
I have come to learn that this criteria is actually the law...
I was also clearly NOT fine 💀
Every damn day. Working on self compassion for my younger self who was just doing her best. But it's hard cos i was sooooo cringy and off base so often.
No, I'm proud of who I am now, and the person I used to be survived hell and got me here despite what felt like an infinite road of obstacles.
I think of my past self as a kid and, while I'm not happy with every choice I made, I know I couldn't have made any others, because I am who I am, I couldn't have somehow been someone else and made different choices. I can't be mad at or embarrassed by a kid for not knowing what adult me knows now.
Now, if we're talking about everyone who let me down, harmed or influenced me to make some of those choices knowing the negative impact they'd have - and even hoping for a negative outcome - that's who I'm embarrassed and grossed out by. Fxck those people.
I think the old you should make you cringe. Otherwise you haven’t grown from your mistakes. We all fuck up, so if we look back and don’t cringe, that means we’re still the same person who would make those mistakes again. The way I resolve the cringe is to internalize “That was who I was then. I’m not that person anymore. I fucked up, but it’s in the past, and I’m doing things better now.” That last part is said also as a commitment to myself to do better in the future, because I deserve the better life that comes along with making better decisions. ❤️
Oh, I have them too. But at least now I can look back and see just how much I have grown, and how I am breaking the cycle with my own kids. If you can recognize the cringe it means you have moved on and became what they did not want you to be.... a better person than them.
Same here. But what do you expect when your families full of narcissists and toxic selfish people so either youre raising yourself feral style or being manipulated and gaslighted all the time. Be kind to yourself and recognize what odds were against you. As my therapist once told me, wow, lots of people with backgrounds like yours are drug addicts. You did your best with what you had.
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100,000%. I was raised by a selfish narcissist, and I look back at myself as a young person developing relationships and cringe so hard it could compress a disc. I said wild shit out loud and acted like a fucking diva. After therapy and some serious self reflection, I can't stand the idea of the person I used to be. I often wish I could go back to apologize and explain myself but the past should be left where it is. Self-awareness is growth.
I think of my life as being like a novel. It wouldn’t be authentic or worth reading if I had been a beautiful, perfect little person who was sweet like a child but mature like an adult, perfectly socialized right from the womb, the kind of kid who would be a child star on tv or in the movies. But I was an ordinary kid who didn’t always know what was the best thing or the most attractive way to do it. From chapter to chapter, as the story developed, so did I. That’s how it is with most of us. The percentage of kids who grow up as adorable little children is actually very small, though there are some kids who *think* they are, and act like it. These kids are also highly praised and held up as models for all the other kids to aspire to. But life is a process. You can be an awkward, shy kid who “can’t do anything right” and grow up to be amazing. Don’t lose interest in the novel about yourself and give up, stay a wonky kid the rest of your life. Imagine the greatest musicians, actors, etc. when they were grade-school kids taking lessons. They kept reading the novel.
Thanks for this. What a really beautiful way to put this in to perspective. I will keep reminding myself of this instead of feeling shame when I have those messy memories come up and try to derail my progress. 🤘❤
I will definitely remember this when I have those moments that I wish a hole would open up and swallow me. I remember feeling that my sister was the highly praised, favorite child. To this day, she is my mom's favorite. Now, after years of counseling, I can see more clearly. I have been working on my toxic traits and making changes. I am a novel in the works. I promise to keep reading and re-reading all the bits that make me a whole book.
Oftentimes, I feel that my novel is the opposite. It steadily grows worse :(
felt this. i developed bpd from having 2 narc dads and 1 bpd mom. it was so hard trying to learn how to be healthy when all i ever learned from was toxic, unhealthy mindsets. i ruined a bunch of friendships and relationships before i knew how to control myself. i still cringe at some of the shit i did... for example, i wrote letters in calligraphy for my ex-friends and left them in their parent's mailbox because i was planning to kms 13-reasons-why style. i was 18 in highschool doing this shit... good lord. luckily i'm doing pretty well now. i realized early that something was wrong, which im happy for. im 22 and can finally form healthy friendships.
Amazing work! Congrats 👏🏼 that’s a huge accomplishment for your age
I was going to comment something but this is it word for word. If anything keeps me up at night it’s this. And knowing that many people will (legitimately so) remember me as a massive moron without a lot of agency about it 😂
One thing that may help is to try to think of anything embarrassing you've seen them or others do. We keep a high tally on ourselves, but most of us don't do that to others. If you can't think of an embarrassing story for them, I would say chances are relatively good that they don't remember one for you either. Not saying this is 100%, but it helps me when I get too in my own head sometimes. Hope it helps
You’re the first comment and I resonate with this a lot. However, one of the biggest aspects of allowing myself to grow was not hating on how I use to be in the past. I also have bipolar disorder so narcissistic relationships have been a trend in my past. Also with this, everything I’ve done was absolutely outrageous and part of me felt like I just wanted to see how far I could go and if I would be noticed. The root cause of the problem was lack of love from my mother. I forgive myself and although I sometimes cringe and wish I could forget, it’s a part of me. Nothing changes except for ourselves and present and future me has had such a huge turn around that I feel it’s almost impossible for me to hate who I was. I just don’t think I’d be as great now if I didn’t have any of these experiences. Also kind of relieving talking about by past and seeing how shocked and impressed by what others call my “soap opera of a life” and how commendable it is to see my growth right in front of them. It reminds me of the power I had to not let anything stop me or bring me down from being better.
Same. Now, when I see a well put-together young person, I'm genuinely impressed.
I could have written this comment, 1000%
Thank you so much for this, I needed to know that I’m not alone.
Same. I still sometimes apologize to my partner about me being the way I used to be. And I still apologize to those I was a piece of shit to in the past
That makes total sense, but my photographic memory won’t let me forget any of it. I still push forward though
You don't have to forget, you just have to forgive yourself. You're just a person who was learning. And considering you're here, I would assume you were doing that relatively on your own if not being actively torn down. It's ok, mistakes happen. The important thing is what we do after.
Oh my god, SAME. Thank god for a decade and a half of therapy, an incredibly patient husband who actually saw who I really am when we met 20+ years ago, and cutting my narcissist father out of my life 15 years ago. I was a *terrible* person up until my mid-twenties, and it makes me cringe so hard I’m surprised I haven’t broken teeth. I love what you said: self-awareness is growth. It really, really is. And genuine compassion towards others helps change your worldview and the way you treat other people.
And cultivating genuine compassion for ourselves too, including our appalling past choices.
You’re right. We need to be kind to ourselves especially given that when we’re young, we only know what we’ve been exposed to in our homes. We don’t- we can’t- know anything else. And the fact that we chose to change when we realized that the way we were raised was wrong? That shows who we really are. We are good people.
Same here.
I am embarassed but I have embraced it. I have a newsletter and i write about the bratt I was because I couldn’t do better and because my parents couldn’t do better either. I advocate a lot about positive parenting and I feel I am healing at all by raising my daughter with love and respect.
100% this. It means you're healing but not quite there yet. Give yourself more time and you'll learn to accept not only your current but also your past self.
Wanted to attempt a reply but... >100,000% Yeah. 100,000² 😞. Insightful af OP.
Yes. I was never taught the importance of kindness or empathy. My parents constantly gossip about and pick apart EVERYONE. Weight gain, weird hairline, ugly car or house, annoying laugh. You name it. Those are the things I’d notice or hear them say about people, and in return, gossip about my peers regarding while growing up. A horrible way to be and I makes me so sad I thought that was “normal” and everyone does it and “was probably doing it about me”. The older I got I was a rude, loud diva. I married such an amazing man who comes from a solid upbringing and has taught me so much about what “normal” behavior, love, loyalty and empathy is. I thank god everyday.
I have a very similar experience! I am so grateful for my husband. When I would act out and carry the fleas in our daily life we would tell me he loved me and that he knows this isn’t who I am but a product of being raised by a an abusive alcoholic father and a narc mom. Sorry I just had to say it to the world that he is a miracle in my life.
Same!! My parents bond by talking shit about everyone. Who gained weight, which family friend is having marriage problems (the horror!), the news anchor on TV has bad hair, which aunt took a vacation that they’re jealous of and bitter about this week, which cousin lives in a trailer now, etc. My mom lives to gossip. I thought it was normal growing up. I finally called my mom out on it at christmas a couple years ago after she started talking shit about my aunt (who was in the house) in front of me. You can imagine how well that went, lol. And hooray for healthy marriages! I married an emotionally healthy man too and it’s done wonders for my mental health, not to mention he sees right through their behavior!
We have the same mother ! I thought it was normal too and I used to act like her until my teenage years. I feel so ashamed of myself now when I think about all the shit I said. I remember when I started to tell my mother that it wasn't a normal thing to do and that she should stop, it went pretty bad. I stood up, and after a while she would say only nice things in my presence, but behind my back she talked shit about me twice more.
Same for me. Constant shit talking of others for no reason. Then when I would repeat what my parents said, because was a child, and it got back to the person they said it about I was the one who got punished.
Same.
whistle unwritten concerned deranged steer jobless muddle far-flung stocking wipe *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m sorry!! This sounds exactly like my family. My mom has become her own version of “religious and spiritual”. But instead of being part of a community she picks and chooses her own rules, adjusts some to her benefit, and follows them to a tee. She joins zoom services only and walks around blasting them whether she’s home or out at a restaurant. My husband and I were “raised” in different religions. We’re not raising our child to be anything more than a good person who can make their own decisions. She’s regularly told me that she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to “love and connect” with my kids and she is very concerned we will not be joining her in the same heaven due to our lack of devotion.
This reminds me of my ex's mother. She thought that the Virgin Mary herself talked to her in her sleep. She thinks that they have a lot in common, like the suffering they both went through. She compared losing a son by crucifixion like Mary did, to having a son who rejected religion. She even wrote a book called Holy Mary's confessions, a story of a young woman whose children caused her so much pain. I still wonder how I managed to stay stoic when she told me all this, that was so crazy.
yeah my parents, especially my mom talk shit SO much and I thought it was normal to be that negative and jaded. I chased so many people away with my negativity when I was younger.
Same here. I feel sad about missing out on things like High School reunions but it would be way too embarrassing.
In my experience the reunions were creepy. Especially if you escaped a small town. Literary zero change except angry liver bloat as far as the eye could see. Grown ass parents sneaking off to the grubby bathroom to hook up with old school “first loves” omg horrid.
Same. Same and same!! I could have wrote this.
Kinda same but they didn't talk crap about hairlines and stuff, they talk crap about personality traits of others. But it's always like listing their own lmao
Wowwww, literally my life. It’s like gossiping about others is the way my family “bonds” it’s so weird. I would literally get my ass whooped all the time for repeating what my parents were saying about other family members. Never made sense to me
I could have written this word for word! I'm so happy that you've found unconditional love.
I relate to this hard.
My parents were also like this so I grew up to be like that too. I hate thinking back to how gossipy and judgmental I was. I’m not like that anymore and my children are better kids too because of that.
I've never heard this so well articulated. My dad would often make these comments in earshot of the person in public and it was humiliating. But, I followed suit and was super judgemental of everyone until I was 20 or so.
Being sober for sixteen months made me realize what a puppet I was for my family when I was drinking.
Stay strong! Sobriety was my breaking point with my N-Family and I have not looked back.
Thank you. For those struggling with sobriety the first few days, weeks, and months are difficult. Stay strong and true to yourself. Do not let anyone deter you from your goal of sobriety if you do intend to rid yourself of harmful substances.
That's so weird because it was the opposite for me when I used to drink. It helped me to feel free to not give a shit about what my family thought, and stopped going to family events. I was so much happier at the time. Too bad alcohol was just a crutch for what I should be able to decide to do sober. When I'm sober, I'm such a pushover(pretty sure due to high anxiety), and fall for narcissist traps more often. But it's just another challenge to overcome I suppose.
When you have time, reflect, journal, and reassess your values. Becoming dependent upon alcohol is very toxic to both body and soul.
I've been sober for a few months. I had to put myself into a new situation to get myself to stop. I appreciate the advice. I still am not doing enough reflecting.
I could’ve written this myself.
Good luck with staying sober.
Same.
Yes, all the time. I just learned some horrible ways from my nparent—meanness, creepiness, learned helplessness—just ick. Therapy cleared out a lot of that baggage, but it’s been a while since I dived back in. Talking about specific memories in therapy and putting them in context of the abuse I grew up in really helped to give me compassion for myself and let go. But I haven’t done that in years and it seems like there’s always more memories. I need to get back to it, take out the garbage.
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i used to be unhygienic due to neglect. I couldn't provide for myself because they were so greedy and just wanted to use me and make me codependent so me having resources would make them latch worse. they used to try to go after my friends too. It was ridiculous trying to work my way up to cut them off and of course they discarded me into being homeless. They made sure I had no life skills. They made sure I was in the wrong part of society . They controlled every single thing I said or did. Every emotion displayed. They work in packs.
Wish I could x10 upvote. And when you escape you find yourself so utterly ill equipped to function anywhere but the space they created.
exactly, it’s like leaving a cult.
God, yes.
It is still not easy to realise that most of my family members knew what was going on and that they know what they are and were doing. They were actually aware of everything. How I spiralled down, what problems I had and that I could be helped back then. But no, they just let that all happen, because it just fit our family system.
I feel like if you look back and cringe then at least you grew up
facts. i love this perspective
I have LITERAL cringe attacks. I alarm people on the subway. In quiet moments when I get into my own thoughts, pretty soon I start physically twitching and making noises like I've been stung by a bee or something. And it's all just from memories of minor things I wish I could have done differently.
Me too, I cringe literally.
I do that too. Sort of bent forward and moaning or groaning like I'm in real pain. I even someone will say Noooo very quietly to myself. I didn't act like a narc but just like an extremely awkward undiagnosed autistic girl with horrible social skills.
Same! Sometimes an involuntary moan comes out of me if I remember something real bad.
That happens to me too. Sometimes when I do or *almost* do something that resembles my former self and all the circumstances surrounding it, I sigh or even uggh. I’ve started noticing that for what it is, a ghost from the past, and have gotten better at squelching the sigh. That kid isn’t me any more, and nobody in my present life would notice it. Other people don’t see those “ghosts”.
Dont blame yourself for your past. The people who were supposed to teach you didn't so their job and you were paying the price.
Thank you!
Yes. I used to be an absolutely horrible person (by my standards now based on therapy and growth). I was mirroring what I was taught; the way I was treated. It was the only “normal” I’d known growing up. It makes me sick to think about the person I used to be.
I’m sorry! I can relate. Onwards and upwards.
I have made some VERY dumb mistakes in the past, thinking myself to be the shit. God help me, it is just embarrassing to look back.
I am embarassed by how ignorant and self-centred I used to behave; I had FLEAS.
Yes. To the point I get suicidal ideation when I randomly remember stupid shit I've done like 20 years ago.
Same. The only thing that makes me feel that way is remembering how awful I was. I just want to disappear because of the embarrassment and shame.
You grew up though, your N parents didn't. Remember that.
Please be kind to yourself. You were on a journey and you still are and you will always be.
Don’t let the ideation get to you. You’re worth too much for that. Stupid stuff isn’t worth unaliving. Whether you learn from that stupid stuff or not, it’s still just stupid stuff. You seem to have learned “somehow” to be a much harsher critic of yourself than anybody else could be.
Ha! My entire young life is one massive cringe. Very comforting thread, by the way. I didn’t know this was a commonality.
Oh definitely. As a teenager I was emulating my narc family and still had fleas into my twenties and thirties. Being in my fifties now has brought the distance and self-forgiveness that we need, but yes, I still cringe from time to time to think of how I was!
It's good to know that time can really help. I'm in the throes of waking up to everything and it's been so hard. I'm not giving myself the patience and grace I need to process everything. I can't make time go any faster. I guess I'm afraid of falling back into my old ways and mindset.
We copy how hard our parents were on us, and we do it to ourselves. I believe being afraid of being like them is the motivation that ensures we keep trying lol!
This is very helpful to hear. I am in my late thirties and really just identified my family of narcs. I am slowly differentiating my behavior for how I ideally want to behave vs. how I was conditioned and it has been rough.
I have one brief romantic relationship in which I was absolutely the most toxic element. Even years later I wish I could apologize to her (but alas that would be violating her boundary so I remain). Yes I try not to spend too much time thinking about it unless I’m in a place for positive reflection. Otherwise it’s just rumination and that can spiral
All. The. Time. I'm constantly thinking back to how I treated my friends and roomates in high school and college. I was toxic as FUUUUCK. Thankfully I'm growing, healing, and improving.
Yes all the time. I'm sick of it, being a total POS because of how my parents influenced me, I'm not a bad person, I don't ***want*** to be. Sigh...
I definitely had “flea bites” as all children look to their parents to learn how to behave. I, unfortunately, had a terrified mother and a violent narcissistic father. I mega cringe at moments from the past BUT it comforts me because it also means that I am reflecting and questioning my actions where a narcissist would just always assume they were right. The worst trait was bringing conversations back to me and my stories. As an adult, I may offer stories to show that I can relate or understand and then hand the conversation back.
Yes, and no matter hard I try, or how much I try to explain to myself, I just can't forgive myself.
this exactly. my therapist said to at least give myself grace for recognizing that the things i did were wrong but that i didn’t know any better at the time, and that i’m willing to improve from all that mess. it’s hard to even give myself grace.
We can only do our best with what we have and know at any given time. That's it. No better. And that goes for EVERYONE on the planet. Hugs, I know the feeling all too well.
Yes. And it hard to forgive myself cause I used to be golden before I was the scape. I was young tho. My older brothers alternated the scapegoat. I used to lecture them and stuff for my mom. But we were all experiencing her abuse. I wish I was more of an ally instead of that that for my mom. Especially since they passed away. And early and tramatically too. I'm still young at 32 they were 6 and 1.5 years older than me back then they died at age 26 and 25. I miss them so much and I grieve so much. Of the life they could have had, the life they did have and the missing presence of them
As a scapegoat, thank you for your insights
I was. But then I read something about feeling cringe when u remember how u used to be is a sign that u have grown and became a better person. It is an indication that u have overgrown ur old ways and started to think different. I also read other articles that say that if it wasn't for old u being like that, u wouldn't be who u r today. Ever since, I'm never bothered about how I used to be. Old me deserves compassion and love, she didn't know better and that's OK. She is still lovable and amazing. She's just learning how to be human with the best she can.
Life is an obstacle course. That’s how we grow. N-parents are a mine field, but we can still make it through.
Yes. It's important to know that just because u were stuck in that mine field for a while and some of the black ash, torn clothes and some injuries stayed with you even after u got out , it is OK. I promise it's not ur fault. U did what u had to do to survive and uve been the way u've been because u had no other choice. old you is brave and strong and should be cherished even if their actions don't sit well with u well now, old you is still worthy of love and compassion.
Yeah. It's like, I'd 100% much rather deal with the cringe moments than be a narcissist myself.
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I think narcissistic and generally selfish behavior is on a spectrum and some people had it a lot worse and others a lot better. I definitely had a mix too...Sometimes I question myself, other times I'm like "this post right here. This really fits the bill." If you think something is off, it's off.
Yep. I don’t relate to every post on here, but there are ones that I do. Also since narcissism can be comorbid with a lot of mental disorders and illnesses, there’s going to be differences for some people and how their parents narcissism presents or the things they do. I know my nDad has another mental illness, but a lot of things he’s done can be attributed to his narcissism. Whether or not his other illness exaggerates things or changes things isn’t important because there are things I relate to here, more so than the other subreddit for his other illness.
Could be that you're holding your past self to an impossibly high standard. We are all fallible and have to learn from our mistakes to grow. How long ago are these embarrassments from? You ruminate on them constantly? Can you tell me one positive thing you ever did that was worthy of even the tiniest bit of pride?
yeah definitely. these embarrassing moments are from like 5-15 years ago. I've actually done quite a bit that I'm proud of, but I'm never sure how much "credit" to take for things, if you know what I mean. self confidence has been a real struggle for me, as in allowing myself to feel good about what I have done. The shame is probably my parents voice in my head.
Since your parents never praised you or pointed out your good traits and accomplishments, you need to nurture yourself. They wanted to make sure you stayed “less than” they were, which may have been a very low bar for you to stay under. Think about your good qualities, talents, abilities and accomplishments and continue being you, not what they wanted you to be.
5-15 yrs? You were different then from who you are now. It’s time to stop carrying those bags around, just put ‘em down and walk away.
Great post. I love these super weird nuanced ways we can all relate lol. I do in fact have the cringe attacks but as others have mentioned, bc I wasn’t taught basic things, spent a lot of years floundering acting dumb and being called out in my life. It builds hella thick skin and tons of character though, at the very least count for funny stories to tell at dinner parties.
Yes 1000%. My mom was my first bully and her abuse turned me into someone Im not proud of. She would costantly talk shit about me and everyone else. But she framed it as a joke. I guess you could say how she related to me, talking bad about others to make herself feel good. As a kid, like 6 or 7 I started doing this at school. I thought it was how you make friends. Only after tons of therapy I realized what a bully I was. I reached out to the peopke I hurt and apologized to them. Im disgusted that I was ever that person. I dont behave that way anymore, but I cant help but still feel like a bad person and like I can never make up for it.
Yep. My teenage years were very messed up.
Oh yes. Looking back on all the crazy, impulsive things I did during ages 15-25 is maybe the hardest part about this. I felt so lost, had no identity, no boundraries and no-one to turn to. Some are the sort of things an addict would do, absolutely no self-knowledge or thinking about long term consequences or goals, just surviving and reacting day by day. I would probably have been a completely different person if I had grown up with parents who would have reflected back to me who I was instead of having to spend my 20s figuring it out from nothing
Gotta do Shadow work and come to terms with it
doing shadow work brought so much to light for me - even after 5+ years of therapy
Eh, I was doing the best I could with what I knew. If I had known better I would have been better. The words that came out of my mouth were not mine. I am better now, I use my life to make the world a better place. All of this madness before we un-health, they were pain, suffering with no solution. Anyone who knew what was happening would have seen that I was someone suffering, anyone who didn't know I was like that were lucky to not have known in their lives such suffering.
Oh my gosh YES!!! I was so emotionally disregulated and underdeveloped that I didn’t cope too well socially at times.
AaaaaAaaaaAaaaaaAaaaa the SHAME 🙂↕️
I had no confidence courtesy of a lifetime of: you could look so nice if you'd just: . Lose some weight . Stand straight . Learn how to dress better . Be more sociable Plus 1,000s of other criticisms It's hard when you are assured that you are following in the footsteps of a gorgeous near supermodel who had men falling at her virginal and elusive feet. Yeah, the narcissism was strong in hindsight, but I still believed it. I absolutely cringe for how I was and that her imaginary life was my benchmark.
Yes. I was inner circle. I helped run the empire. I fixed, and made peace, I entertained and put on lavish production. I believed in the empire. I sold the empire to others and brought in new faces. I defended the empire and build myself around it trading my future for the survival and flourishing of the empire. I was convinced my scapegoating was deserved and tried harder to please. I would give anything for those people because I was worth absolutely nothing and only valued in service to them. All I can say is that I finally felt pain down to my soul for it all. The grief is humiliating, awful, regretful and comes in flashes. It’s such a gift to finally feel the pain and have a chance at being me. But cringe, oh indeed!
I really resonated with this. It is profoundly painful, but it's a gift because the pain means I'm finally free to be me ✨
Bonus round goes to the narcissist that will help you exploit a crutch and drive you to feed it to cover pain. Wishing you all the strength, resilience, love and joy you need to be free. Life begins now my friend.
I realize as an adult that so much of my childhood was spent parenting and waiting on my own mother so that I didn't die or get tortured in retribution, while being her target for anything she was displeased about even if It didn't involve me. I realized and mourned for yrs that I will never have a mother or family except two family members that actually cared. I was denied an actual childhood, love, and nurturing that I spent many yrs wrongly seeking it from others. I didn't have a sense of self until I was a broken down adult and had survived many traumas and abuse. I entirely understand why I was who I was. I'm never going to shame that unloved child, nor the angry teen, nor the lost young adult. They didn't ask for nor deserve what my mother and her flying monkeys did to them nor the narcissists who targeted me later on. We're still healing one step at time, and deserve grace and understanding. I have regrets but I understand where the thoughts and actions came from. I found myself in my thirties, went NC, moved states away, gave up a lot to be safe. Keep healing, sometimes we also need to remember those past selves were hurting and show ourselves compassion.
Lort yes. Learning how to behave took forever without good role models.
I took me over two decades to put it all together
Yep. Mostly around my substance abuse. :/
I think it’s a universal function of the human brain to hold on to the memories of being mortified. I heard a scientist say that when he tries to get to sleep his brain will always say “let’s go over the bloopers reel, shall we?”.
Ugh, yes, so much shame and remorse and regret 😢
I practically implode from all the cringey stuff I did. I am not proud of that person I used to be. I'm trying to give myself some grace, but the person I was wasn't someone I was proud of. But I was also someone who was trying their best while growing up being treated like crap and being extremely isolated and raising myself.
I just had the realization that if I talked to others, the way nmom and brother spoke to me, I’d be an asshole. If it’s not ok for others to be spoken to like that, it’s not ok for me to be spoken to like that. Here comes the boundaries.
I think it’s completely normal to be embarrassed by some of the things we did as children and teens. Having dysfunctional parents made it worse, but I have yet to meet anyone who didn’t do anything once (especially as a teen) that they are at now slightly embarrassed that they did. What has bothered me more recently is the assumption by people who knew you during that period that you hadn’t changed. I recently met up with two mothers of two of my childhood friends. Both assumed that I would still be selfish teen that I was and one had her mouth agape when I told her I would be paying for lunch.
You just made me think of a boy who was an unholy terror in school. I didn’t realize he was an entitled kid because I didn’t know he was from a very rich and influential family. At the time, his last name didn’t ring a bell. Parents may or may not have been narcs, so I don’t know if his behavior was acting out from abuse at home or if he was a narc in training. I see him on TV once in awhile acting like the respectable owner of a large corporation, and I still think of him as that bratty kid. Maybe he grew out of that and maybe he didn’t. I’ll never run up against him so it doesn’t matter to me personally, but I think it’s 50/50 that he’s now a good man or still entitled when he’s off camera.
At one time yes, now I’m really proud that I healed past the wreck I was raised to be. I could’ve easily been a narcissist, or a drug addict, or a prostitute. There are many alternate futures you did not choose though you easily could have. If you grew past any of the bad stuff implanted in you, give yourself the compassion you’d give a friend who has struggled to overcome. It’s part of the healing process, to be in that cringe and then let it go after you’ve properly processed and amended what you have access to. Solidarity and love to you.
Solidarity and love to you for avoiding those traps you could have fallen into as a result of your upbringing. You had a lot of self-respect to aspire to be more than your n-parents wanted you to be. There but for the grace of God go I. I also could have fallen into some kind of failed life.
I distinctly remember saying to myself you can go the manipulative way or the kind way. I was already about 13. I consciously chose kindness. However, it took me about 20 years to realize I was a flying monkey. For that I am disgusted with myself. I do come from 4 generations of narcs and both of my parents are narcs. Everyone in the family knows I’m different. They can’t put their finger on it lol. The closest they can come is that I am strong, independent and smart. Those things are nice but the most important thing is empathy lol. Obviously they have no clue what this is so they don’t mention it. Lol
Oh, absolutely. Being raised by narcissistic jerks basically meant I had no social skills or understanding of appropriate behavior. I was a little brat.
Ditto on top of being autistic. My only words of communication were lines I parroted from tv shows and movies. Guess how well that went
I cut off my family 6 years ago and I cringe at the way I left, I wish I spoke up for myself more. But in general I cringe at the person I was even 3 years ago. I’ve always cringed at the person I used to be. In a couple years I’ll cringe about the person I am today.
Yes. I'm 56 and lately I'm consumed with all the dumb ass embarrassing shit my socially awkward ass has done. Kill me now...
Yea. I feel like I left a cult. Looking back I was in a daze and experiencing severe trauma. I lived in a small town and it feels humiliating, remembering all of my social faux pas and people I hurt by being so shut down I wouldn’t even say hi to folks I know in public. Stuff like that. Plus falling into addiction. I stopped drinking and I’m in grad school now. I’m so happy I moved. I’m left with all the pieces and my grief feels like an abyss but I feel free. Maybe I have a second chance here and hopefully it’s not too late for me to build the life I dream of
It’s one reason I need to remain living alone. Being autistic with nparents and thus having to learn everything social-related myself through humiliating, degrading, dehumanising trial and error, I now cringe so hard at random memories of things I did or said at whichever point throughout my life, I just can’t help but scream out loud from the pain of it all (random shakes and twitches have recently developed too). I’ve also taken to punching myself to soothe the self grief. Most of it would’ve been avoided if I’d just been taught the rules, ins and outs of the social game from the start, but no, nparents didn’t think I was capable of it and they never listened to me.
Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. You don’t have to pay for past actions with pain now.
I know, but it does mitigate the pain to an extent. Toxic shame is a killer. I’ve just finished thawing from Fuctional Freeze (which I was in since 2005) and am now working through the fight or flight stages, so the urge should eventually go away once I return to regular ventral vagal state at long last. 36 year old male here btw
Yup. I didn't start getting my shit together mentally and emotionally until I was about 29, I am 31 now, and look back with disgust and disappointment. My biggest thing is I was VERY emotionally manipulative. And wondering why I didn't see how awful my behavior was back then when it is so obvious to me now. You're definitely not alone.
Yes all the time. I used to be overbearing and possessive with my friends, like my mom was with me, crossed boundaries like they didn’t exist, made fun of people who did nothing to me, poked at peoples insecurities, tried to give everyone my opinion and if they didn’t wanna hear it I didn’t care, I was overall an entitled brat who only cared about my feelings unless it was convenient for me. I was a real asshole for most of my life and still am sometimes because i’m so used to it and only realize in the moment which is better than nothing but I want to grow and be a better person now because I realize the ways my behavior was and can be harmful. I’ve lost almost every friend i’ve made in time and i’m probably gonna be a loner until I figure this shit out. I have no idea what you’re going through, but you’re not alone.
Forgive yourself. It’s like growing up unparented or worse, wrongly parented by a tyrant - we have to reparent ourselves as adults. We survived.
Yeah, the behavior that was modelled for me was NOT normal. It took about 10 years of adulthood to actually feel like I'm a nice person.
Sometimes. But then I remember something that I read somewhere along the lines of "your first reaction is how you were taught to react, your second reaction shows who you truly are" Don't blame yourself for not knowing any better.
Still have from time to time, yes. But at least by now it’s become almost imperceptible to others when it happens \\o/
Yup
Oh for sure. I was a total dick when I was in my teens... And for what? I think back to the unnecessary fights I started and arguments I butted into that I had no businesses butting into, especially on Facebook. I even apologized to my brother recently for a couple of them since I think back to them every now and then. He laughs and calls them my "asshole days" and we do laugh looking back... But I do feel bad now that i'm a matured person.
Experiencing balding humbled me because I used to be so wrapped up in wanting attention from women and was always concerned with how I look in public. Now I couldn’t give a fuck as I now accept myself for who I am. This came from the absence of attention I needed from growing up without a mother. But yeah stuff like that used to cringe me out
Sometimes I physically cringe and make weird noises HAHAHAHA I swear- the awful memories come back and it’s so awkward. Yes- we all do it, no?
I judge my past behavior like my mother used to judge me. I hate it, but I’m getting better by reminding myself that I’d never judge my best friends’ past actions as harshly as I do my own. It really feels like an uphill battle some days, though
Yes, me! Acted like the narcissist until I knew better.
Just everything I’ve ever done or said in my entire life. 😖
Yes, absolutely. To everyone who needs to read this- Please don’t be so hard on yourself. There are so many trips you can go on, guilt trips are the worst and they don’t accomplish anything. Cringe briefly and then be proud of yourself for being self aware and learning and working to move beyond that!
Yes. However I’m also very proud of my progress.
Yep. I was pretty angry for a very long time. I realize now I was essentially taught (modelled behaviour) that freaking out, yelling, screaming, being hurtful, and defaulting to anger was normal. Also I realize now it’s very normal to be angry (or even a bully) when you’re the one being bullied at home. I did bully other kids and it really makes me sick. I was like mid-level bully. I wasn’t even a “cool kid” lol. But it makes me sad. Knowing how I used to be. Knowing how long I did it for. I don’t feel it aligns with who I am now and I question if it did when I was a child. I seriously think I just didn’t know how to not be angry and mean. I was incredibly depressed. It continued on into teenage years - not as bad as when I was younger, but still cringey moments.
It helped me to realize two important things: Kids, and even young adults, are, for the most part, not doing what they have *decided* to do - they are *reacting* to their environment with the tools they have been provided. Secondly, the ppl who were supposed to provide them with a warm, supportive, safe environment and developmentally appropriate tools failed utterly. Sometimes the failure is due to incompetence , and sometimes due to deliberate willful cruelty, but the results are the same: the dependent is left with deficits not of their own making. It sets a kid up to fail, while at the same time denying them the resources to handle the failure. All the shame and the guilt belongs squarely on the shoulders of the abusers, not on the victim of the abuse.
Same. I was a simpering fawn who chased (awful) men who treated me terribly, I let friends treat me like a doormat, one friend even slapped me across the face, I was bullied at work by adult mean girls and just let them do it. I used to drink too much and act like the embarrassing drunk no one wants to be around. I was quite literally, a hot mess. I sometimes wonder who I would’ve been without the childhood trauma and abuse.
I could’ve written this about myself 😨
I think there are a lot of us out there. ❤️🩹
Totally. I think at my worst was when I was 14-20. Literally no one helped me as a teen even though all I wanted to do was get away from my Nmom and her abusive boyfriends and I wanted to attend therapy but I was never on any healthcare plan & my school didn’t do anything for me other than send me home with pamphlets about domestic violence for my mom. I took out lots of my insecurities on other people instead of just walking away & was controlling in friendships. I’m always afraid I’ll lose it and go off on someone and be exactly like my mom. I just stay away from people who trigger me and continue weekly therapy.
Yes. But i find myself more and more compassionate towards my younger self. I dont cringe any more. I tell my younger version i dont have to do these things and I that i feel sad for her she thought she had to (to be relevant, to be seen, whatever the situation is). Be kind to your (younger) self.
Yes but then I remind myself that there's nothing cringe about a child using the only defense mechanisms they know to protect themselves against trauma when baseline is already hell. I know what you mean like, I used to treat people as if I expected them to be my dad, and I'd get confused when the stuff would work for my dad but not my boss, spouse, teacher, best friend... and lose opportunities and relationships. I was in a perpetual state of confusion! Ugh. But after therapy I'm so much better. I'm finally able to kick those inner demons and see they were just my demon dad's voice, not mine. I'd like to ignore him as much as possible so like, why would I want to hear him anymore I just tell him to go away and guess what my relationships are better now. Sorry dad 😆 So yes, we're proof WE grew up, unlike our Nparent.
I had no idea how to portray healthy behaviors. I was a manipulative, depressed teen. It was all that was modeled for me. I was taught that life was just miserable. I thought the sadness in our house was normal. I didn't have the information or help I have now. I was also young and likely autistic. That was my pilot episode..I can't let it impact the rest of the show. ;)
Unfortunately I do and they are so vivid and painful. I’m so ashamed because I know deep down I wouldn’t have behaved in those ways had I not been raised by monsters. I was a miniature version of what I saw and experienced. I honestly mean this: I didn’t know any better. It was like I just moved and acted without thought. I was dumb and impulsive and I emulated the trash that surrounded me. No one could ever punish me for my crazy behaviors more than myself. I will forever be deeply sorry to anyone I hurt, including myself.
My narc parents cling on to the version of me that lived under their roof. They still talk to me like I’m seventeen until I try to have a conversation about finances and needing assistance with something. That’s the only time they’ll treat me like an adult and tell me that I should have it all figured out already at my age. The rest of the time, they’ll go on and on about how they know my patterns, my track record and my “lack of motivation” — I’d say this is the only time I cringe because my parents always feel the need to bring it up. Thoughts about being inefficient will flood my mind I’m thirty now. I’ve outgrown that version of me over a decade ago
Very much. And how my crippling mental illness fucked up my own kids. That last pay enrages me.
Absolutely! I spent a big portion of my later teen years depressed and angry and didn’t know why. I was constantly made to feel like I was the problem, and that I was just an “angry person” when in reality it was just a normal reaction to being raised by emotionally immature people and being gaslit all the time. I internalized the hell out of it and spent the majority of my 20s a borderline alcoholic with terrible coping mechanisms, a lack of boundaries, and people pleasing to death. I dated a string of emotionally abusive men and had moments where I was a toxic partner myself. I was a hot mess and couldn’t take accountability for a long time; it’s 1000% how I was raised. I finally had an epiphany once I read up on narcissistic behavior and it checked all the boxes for my mom (and eDad) and got into therapy. I’m in a healthy marriage now, VLC with my family and in the middle of studying for a bachelor’s degree now that I finally have self-confidence; separating myself from that toxic enmeshment and seeing a therapist has turned my life around for the better. Looking back, I cringe so hard at the person I was. But she was lost and didn’t know any better. She lacked a genuine support network and emotional connection with the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally and I wish I could give her the biggest hug.
Yeah. I did some terrible things and overlooked other people doing terrible things. I was not raised in love or loyalty. I know better now and will never do those things again. I know I can be better.
Kinda yeah. I was intentionally delusional, convincing myself my parents were aliens who were going to rescue me. Also crying a lot in public.
I think we all have to let go of any guilt or shame about the survival strategies we developed from being abused. When we learn better we do better. Shame serve no purpose. Guilt only serves the purpose of providing us with information needed to grow and improve. Once guilt has served the purpose of letting us know we are out of sync with our true values, we need to release it.
Yeah totally. Just going through that lately.
Yep. That's the other kind of flashbacks I get.
I’m experiencing this from a different angle. I’m watching my now teen son align with his narc dad and reject me from his life. I understand what he’s going through because I went through it too with his dad. As his mom, I love him no matter what and have come to recognize he’s in survival mode which drives his behaviors and choices. It’s textbook coercive control. I’ve done everything in my power to protect him in the family courts but was not successful. Now, it’s up to my son to choose the man he wants to become, I don’t know when he will wake up but I hold hope that he will, his heart is so good. I’m focused on my healing and grieving so that when he sees his dad for what he is, I’m here to help and support his healing journey. All this to say, those who you may have been horrible to, may also be grateful for the day you realized the root cause of your behaviors and choices and want to heal yourself and the relationship. Every one of your stories gives me hope for my son - thank you.
absolutely! I picked up so many of my toxic mom’s subconscious manipulation tactics and problematic behaviors. I used to be an absolutely terrible partner. I feel bad being i a happy and healthy relationship now and always worry somehow my current partner will run into my ex I was particularly toxic to. I know all I can do is be the best I possibly can now but holy fuck, I don’t feel like I deserve what I have now.
I’m in my early 30s now, I’ve spent the last 10yrs living away from all my family and just living with my now spouse. I can’t believe just how much nicer I am when I’m not constantly feeling the need to defend myself from those that claim to love me. When I don’t have to literally get into fights to just ensure I have access to my prescription medication without someone else trying to control it and trying to make me go against my doctor’s instructions I’m not nearly as stressed. Having a partner that I can confide insecurities to without having them immediately use those weaknesses to cause me pain or distress is something that can’t be overstated in it’s importance. Having a space truly feel safe with him was really the first time in my life I felt free to explore and grow as a person. It also gave me the space and time to realize that like at least half of my family’s “funny stories” were just the group laughing at our own abuse and mistreatments. It’s not funny that I almost drown at the beach and my family had been too busy at my sputtering and flailing as the waves kept pulling me back in and shoving me into the sand as the waves slapped into me and the shoreline (I was only 6-7) and they then laughed harder as I recovered without their aid and screamed at them for their lack of concern and objectively horrible parenting. It wasn’t funny or appropriate for my grandma to buy her 12 and 14yr old girls tiny silk nighties for Christmas and outright force them to wear and show them off to the adults, most of which happened to be men and one of which likely drugged both of those girls that same year as they’re both missing time from when he was the only adult watching them and he was convicted for the abuse he caused my own sibling decades later. There’s so much unnecessary pain and trauma that has been going on in my family for generations it’s hard to figure out just who was enabling and who was instigating. I know that my mothers mother causes lots of problems even if she does have periods where she is lovely. I know that my cousin was as at least as much my bully as she was my friend. I know she basically groomed me and I have no idea who groomed her because it all started when both of us were like 6, she’a a bit under a year older so I have to assume she was mimicking behaviors shown to her by other people. I don’t outright blame her or think of her as a bad person, but she absolutely did things (mostly emotional manipulations) that still effect me in my relationships to this day. It’s so hard to untangle who I was from who I am now but most of the hard and painful parts came from the first 20yrs, not the ten that have followed
Oh yeah, I rejected a lot of what my shitty parents put out there but some stuff I was just programmed too early to not adopt as a normal; like prioritizing men and their feelings, giving way too many fucks about the male gaze, and putting myself and girlfriend last or low on the priority list.
I even remember myself acting in ways making me feel so wrong bc I used to ask my mother advices about how to stand up for myself in school for example, how to be with other kids and... damned i'm still ashamed, theses were the worst advices ever
cough innocent shame nine ludicrous middle compare dime lock attractive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Well to be honest...I still get cringe attacks about who I am. But a lot of times it's not a black and white answer. Yes I still do behave cringe but in shitty situations. Turns out after all those years of being hyper vigilant or just overloaded with distressing emotions and circumstances I didn't really learn to focus on my own behaviour. I am an expert when it comes to group dynamics or societal behaviours of others but i forgot to ask myself the question what part I do play in these dynamics or systems or environment or whatever. Self differentiation brought me a lot of answers, but I am still finding it hard to be a stable personality in this world. And people see that. Self compassion also helps. I never had anyone to mirror me back in an authentic way, so my behaviours and personality just went in...whatever direction my circumstances got me going. But one shall never forget that almost everyone struggles with the same problems you are to a certain degree. Growing up with narcissistic parents is just a very bad starting point. It's maddening how self reflected or true I am to myself when I am alone and reflect deeply, but when I am with people slide back into old behaviour models. It makes me sad on a deep level and sometimes I feel really hopeless about the whole situation. I sometimes dream about just leaving my hometown and start somewhere new, but that's just a fantasy world I am escaping into to give myself hope and positive feelings for a while. But I guess for a lot of people, especially for folks who have narcissistic parents, this is something they struggle with. And you also have gotten very far, to reflect upon old behaviours. It's likely that you acted the best you could, given your past experiences. So don't beat yourself up because of it too much. Life goes on and so do you.
We weren’t mature enough at that time, otherwise we would never do it. But now, we have realized and it’s in our control. Thinking about people, no one cares, so don’t worry. If you’ve realized, just look forward. Trust me, I was loud, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, but didn’t know the right and wrong. But we can control everything now.
The *only* thing that keeps me from cringing is my SO. He apparently saw the real me and has stood by me through this entire exhausting process of "untangling" myself. Because he was able to see *me* separate from my actions, I am able to see that my actions were not me. That person in the past wasn't me, *I* was locked inside of myself, trying my best to not exist.
Omg yes! Sometimes I feel like I wanna crawl out of my own skin just by the thought of some of the (mostly cringe and overly dramatic) things I did and how I behavied. Cause damn I was messed up and seriously needed help (which I fortunately was able to make sure I got later). For some reason I have never thought about other people might be feeling the same way. Thank you saying this "out loud" - I personally needed to hear it.
absolutely all the time even how I am now sometimes
Yes. I understand that people generally don't remember the stuff that haunts me. I myself don't remember anyone else's embarrassing moments, and I know very few people are going to remember mine. It would be infinitely healthier to let it all go - if only I knew how.
Multiple times a day. It happened a little less when I moved away. No-contact also helped, but it's never gone away.
My biggest cringe moment is remembering what a toxic, asshole I was to the first love of my life. I was demanding and perfect, he always did something wrong and he had to change to stay with me. That's really how I treated a lot of people as I was emulating my narc parents and I went on a bender of mass manipulation and use of others after he had enough of my shit and left me. Being such an asshole makes me feel ill to think about, but man oh man did I get my karma one mentally abusive relationship after another after my first love + bender of using others. I've learned to humble myself, love others correctly and the importance of boundaries (other people's and mine).
I had to teach myself to be a person when I moved out from home. I didn’t know how to clean myself, or take care of myself, and I was mean and distrusting of people. When my dad left and I moved back in with mom I realized just how many terrible behaviours I had learned from him. I’m still embarrassed about the way I used to be (all the time), and I try to be better every single day but when my friends say they love me or say anything nice about me, I feel icky. It’s like I feel that they’re wrong and I can’t change and be good, even though I know logically I’ve changed a lot for the better even just in the last five years.
Yes. Hindsight is 20/20.
All the time, like pretty much daily. I actually just posted about that time in my life ending on another thread. I had real issues processing emotions with my peers. It made me cruel and at times violent and flat out crazy, yelling and screaming at them. I was a bully. I was also unfortunately a popular child, so my peers fed into my crazy for a long time and usually followed my lead. Before the end of 5th grade, I had driven 3 children out of not just my classroom or school, but flat out of the district. Their parents moved them out of the county. In junior high I started to come to terms with who I was becoming and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to be my parents. Making others feel small doesn't make me better. I worked to make positive changes in my life. It took some time but I got there. One of the girls ended up coming back in HS, and I apologized to her. I couldn't undo the damage I caused but I made an effort to not let it get worse.
I used to be one of those pick me girls when I was around 15, then in my mid-twenties I was one of those fake ass 'girlboss' career girls and now...I am neither. Not depending on anyone's approval anymore, not even my own (if that makes sense). Thank you to me and thank you therapy!
My whole family has always been openly and proudly homophobic, misogynistic and racist. I thought it was normal to be mean to my female friends because they got boyfriends or they were wearing dresses and going out. I lost all my female friendships because of this and it took me soooo long to get over being a hater. I had so much internalised misogyny and I was truly the worst for so many years. I fully blame my parents for this.
Yes. Like sometimes so bad I could be doing a task like the dishes and remember a messed up thing I did as a literal kid, and my face squishes up in horror. It’s usually so fast it feels spontaneous/reflexive. It catches me off guard, so that seems bizarre. Also if someone were to witness me unaware it would prolly look like I’d discovered a severed head under the soap suds.
I’ve caught myself wondering if I myself am also narcissistic. I score highly on questionnaires on the subject. My therapist assured me that I was not. However, I did speak the narc language. It’s how I learned to communicate. I had a narc mom, dad, and older sister. Narcissism was the culture I grew up in. Never admit you’re wrong, judge the world harshly, think of ourselves as different and better than everyone else. Gaslighting? Totally normal behavior. Manipulation, playing the victim, entitlement, black and white thinking, love-bombing, discarding - every day, always. Thankfully I was able to leave home when I was 18 and moved far, far away. I made friends and my way in the world, and it was such a crude awakening to discover simple things like “it’s wrong to lie”, and “when you are wrong admit it and apologize”. It took me until I was in my 40s to realize there was no love coming from my family of origin. They were a bottomless thankless hole of take, take, take. It was never going to be enough. I’ve been NC with my parents and LC with my siblings for over 12 years. In my 50s now finally feel like I’ve gained my sanity back.
Yeah... as a teen I used to think that "society's" criteria for child abuse was far too lenient and silly because "my parents beat me/did worse and I turned out fine". I have come to learn that this criteria is actually the law... I was also clearly NOT fine 💀
Every damn day. Working on self compassion for my younger self who was just doing her best. But it's hard cos i was sooooo cringy and off base so often.
No, I'm proud of who I am now, and the person I used to be survived hell and got me here despite what felt like an infinite road of obstacles. I think of my past self as a kid and, while I'm not happy with every choice I made, I know I couldn't have made any others, because I am who I am, I couldn't have somehow been someone else and made different choices. I can't be mad at or embarrassed by a kid for not knowing what adult me knows now. Now, if we're talking about everyone who let me down, harmed or influenced me to make some of those choices knowing the negative impact they'd have - and even hoping for a negative outcome - that's who I'm embarrassed and grossed out by. Fxck those people.
I think the old you should make you cringe. Otherwise you haven’t grown from your mistakes. We all fuck up, so if we look back and don’t cringe, that means we’re still the same person who would make those mistakes again. The way I resolve the cringe is to internalize “That was who I was then. I’m not that person anymore. I fucked up, but it’s in the past, and I’m doing things better now.” That last part is said also as a commitment to myself to do better in the future, because I deserve the better life that comes along with making better decisions. ❤️
Oh, I have them too. But at least now I can look back and see just how much I have grown, and how I am breaking the cycle with my own kids. If you can recognize the cringe it means you have moved on and became what they did not want you to be.... a better person than them.
Same here. But what do you expect when your families full of narcissists and toxic selfish people so either youre raising yourself feral style or being manipulated and gaslighted all the time. Be kind to yourself and recognize what odds were against you. As my therapist once told me, wow, lots of people with backgrounds like yours are drug addicts. You did your best with what you had.