My stepdaughter would never ask her Dad to make breakfast because she quickly learned that her needs would go unmet whether she asked or not. She would rather be hungry in peace and quiet than be hungry and crying because she got shouted at for waking him up/interupting him/being too demanding. I think you aren't suffering because of the child in this particular situation, but due to the lack of a cooperative partner.
I have a lot trauma because my mom shouted at us all the time ( she was a single parent). It really changes someone when they are being shouted out. I hope your step daughter gets to speak to a mental health provider. I am a huge people pleaser, hypervilgent and so many other things I have to work through thanks to my mom yelling and doing other things.
It’s called being the default parent. Your husband has become so utterly useless to the kid’s rearing that even the child does not trust him enough to depend on him for basic things such as food.
Yeah it literally does not seem like the kid is the issue here its who the kid's father is.
OP , does your child do anything else that actually makes them difficult? Maybe all are tied to dad (still very difficult- but for a different reason).
That’s a lot of assumptions. There are some things my kid always goes to for me, some he always goes to for his mom. Kids have weird preferences.
But reading into it and assuming that one of us is a useless parent because our coloring or putting toppings on a pizza are not to his liking is just… a reach.
But to make breakfast? I understand one parent being the go-to for math homework and one being the go-to for computer trouble, but food is an essential human skill that BOTH parents need to master. The fact that a hungry kid would rather wait for mom to get up than have dad make him some pancakes or cereal shows that the dad is either unwilling or incompetent to help with a basic task.
Look, you’re not going to like this. While your example is *possible* it’s not the *probable* situation.
The fact is that a father who can and will do equal parenting (for whatever reason) is the exception and we all know it.
Yeah, it hurts men’s feelings when you point out they are falling down at adulting, but protecting egos isn’t going to help them.
The fact is that most fathers don’t do half or even 1/3 of the childcare, housework, or time management of the family.
Now, you MIGHT, but that would be rare. The fact that you don’t acknowledge this reality in your comment leads me to believe you refuse to see this truth and want to gaslight everyone.
This exactly. That person sounds like the dude who always has to go in on posts about women being murdered by their spouses and comment "not ALL men!!!" and then start talking about Andrea yates, as if it's even remotely relevant to the situation.
Tell me you weren’t raised by a default parent without telling me you weren’t raised by a default parent.
Because u/doodlecadoodle just described my dad to a T.
I know my kids preferences and make an effort to accommodate, their dad did not prioritise their preferences and thought everyone should like things his way. So of course the kids would default to asking me because it was too much drama and not what they wanted or needed if they asked him. It’s a shitty reality and one loads of men just don’t seem to want to acknowledge.
I kind of agree with you. May be he just wanted his mother to be awake and he thought asking for food would be a good excuse.
I remember being a kid and always wanting adults to be awake. I hated letting adults sleep. I wanted them awake and giving me attention at all times. Even if another care giver was available.
More attention=good.
Sorry you're dealing with that. When I was a toddler my parents trained me to leave them alone in the morning by leaving me a bowl of already poured cereal (dry) and a juice box. They also left out picture books and the TV on a kids program channel. Not sure if something like that will work (maybe cold poptarts instead of cereal?) but it might help. The dad really needs to do better though by stopping the kiddo from bothering you in the morning and just making breakfast without being asked.
He got mad? Maybe he should be more proactive. Maybe he should be better at asking his kid "Hey you hungry? What do you want for breakfast?" And then cooking instead of letting kid be hungry and wake you up.
So in other words, he is well aware of the problem. And apparently also not doing anything about it.
The appropriate response from him seeing your child go to the room to wake you up would be to stop the child and make him breakfast since this is an ongoing issue.
He should be telling the kid, “don’t wake your mom I will make you breakfast”. Sounds like he needs to learn how to take charge.
Great idea! Maybe even a special tiny fridge “just for the kid(s)” with a mini bottle of milk so that they feel special? This of course assumes they are old enough to eat unsupervised eg. no risk of choking to prevent being woken up at 6AM for breakfast
Aww, the mini fridge is an adorable idea! Love it. Some of thise desktop ones for soda cans aren't too expensive, and could work well if there's no room (or money) for a mini dorm sized fridge. Plus they can come in fun colors!
I was kinda raised the same way. How do you think it affected you overall? I have so many other traumas I can’t really say how that one thing affected me.
I'm sorry to hear things were so rough for you. I had a nice childhood overall with a loving family (only sometimes snapped at me), so I don't think eating on my own and reading or watching stuff for awhile as a toddler was a problem or changed me in any way. Maybe just taught me to be more self-sufficient? But I've always been an introvert (and only child) so I might just naturally have been fine on my own. According to my mom I only ever had two tantrums as a young child, so overall I was an easy kid. A lot of the kids mentioned in this sub are much more difficult so that approach might not be as useful with them
You’re right: you (introvert ie easy kid) are the exception not the rule. Most kids will get others to do things for them even if they’re perfectly capable of doing them themselves. I was the only introvert kid plus middle child out of three in my family, and the combination of never getting my needs met and being told off not to bother anyone (even when my needs were genuine) led me to believe at a very young age that it was wrong to have needs: I would not even tell my mum if I was sick, instead I’d just put myself to bed early on my own at age 4. I am still pretty much the same as an adult. It was not until I became a teacher with 20 preschoolers wanting me to attend to each at the same time that I realised how kids practice learned helplessness for attention (my younger brother did to but I viewed it as favouritism, which was true as he was the baby. My doctor mum would rush home during lunch break everyday to hand-feed him else he wouldn’t eat lunch before school - this went on until he was 10). In my research and experience however I found that this thing of kids wanting adults to do everything for them is both attention-seeking as well as cultural: I know three year olds who have put dinner on the table and diapered their siblings while their drug-addicted parents were passed out. In Germany, an (American) mom friend of mine who lived there for a bit was sent a note by her 4-year-old son’s kindergarten that her child was not independent enough: always needing help with buttons, shoes, meals, cleaning up after himself etc and that SHE (to her horror: he was FOUR!) needed to do something about it. Turned out that German kids (like Japanese kids) were TAUGHT to be independent from a young age, unlike some other cultures which baby kids until they go to school or sometimes even till adulthood. All the same in this post I believe the mom is the default parent, which is the norm sadly. This is why there are so many ‘married single moms’ nowadays🤦🏻♀️😭
I completely agree with you about children being far more capable than we (at least Americans) as a society allow or give them credit for, which is very sad. It used to be common for 5 year olds to carry and use small knives in the past. Nowadays they'd lock a parent up for that.
But .....seriously??? Hand-fed past the age of 3??? 10??? I can't imagine that helped him turn unto a functional adult..... and I am sorry to hear you had such a hard time and couldn't even feel like you were allowed any needs. My husband has a similar background and it's been hard getting him to believe that he isn't a burden to me when he's sick or needs help with things (which is probably better than how so many supposedly "adult" husbands turn into useless babies when slightly sick)
Yes he never graduated (unlike all his siblings), totalled a car my mum gave him for college (he refused to go otherwise), got into trouble with the law and is a useless chump now as a 30 year old. He is married but my 71 year old mum still pays his health insurance from HER own retirement account, reason being that ‘if anything happens to him and he doesn’t have insurance it is still gonna be ME (ie her, the mom) who is gonna fork out money for his hospital bills, and given his track record with drunk-driving… 🤦🏻♀️ I’ve given up on her enabling.
I am sorry for your husband’s difficult past, but ironically his painful background has made you a lucky girl as the weaponised incompetence of men is a pandemic nowadays. 90% of divorces are initiated by women, as they refuse to be married single moms. Having grown up alongside my spoiled brother I am extra wary of men I date, as I have a mental blueprint in my mind of what the man might have been like in childhood. Spoiled kids don’t make good humans in general, let alone husbands (or wives). It is a painful irony that parents work so hard to provide comforts to their kids, yet it is these same comforts which make kids entitled and ungrateful. I hated my childhood and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, yet I would never swap places with my brother given the stark contrast in how we’ve turned out as adults. Makes me question whether providing material comforts for my future kids (which I’m working so hard towards) is going to be a good thing at all: I could publish a ‘horror’ memoir about the entitlement of the rich and famous brats I tutored. Marriage, kids and life in general have too many juxtaposes these days lol 😂 Lots of love to you and your beautiful family 🥰
Yikes! I'm shocked your brother is even married, and sad your mother is still doing so much instead of looking out for herself in old age. That's all very sad, I'm sorry.
And thank you, my husband is a wonderful guy, just lots of anxiety and low self esteem, but he's been getting better now that he's in a healthier relationship for the first time. Seems like he had some bad past relationships too. Not to say I am perfect, but I am certainly loving and try my best to help make his life better.
And maybe you should write that memoir! Or some kind of warning book on that kind of parenting. Hearing about your brother's story and other children you knew would honestly be useful information to get out there. I feel like a lot of that is still brushed under the rug, but it definitely has huge consequences later on, not just for them and their families but also society as a whole. I'd definitely read it!
Love to you and yours as well, and best of luck! I have full confidence you'll do well.
Thank you and amen 🙏🏼 It is the sad truth that so many men and women who were maltreated as children end up in bad relationships first before learning that they can and should expect better. I didn’t start putting my foot down with my mum until I learned how to do so in college, thousands of miles away from her. Agreed: I am single until I find a man who can build me up instead of tear me down like my mum did - the road to recovery is lifelong but every inch of progress is tremendous and worthwhile. Glad to hear of your husband’s recovery: do give him lots of praise to shut off that critical voice inside his head, as well as lots of new happy memories to crowd out the painful ones. Sometimes I do wonder why I keep going back to the past when in fact it has all ended, but human beings are not robots with a delete all button installed to forget everything and ‘just move on’, as the familiar advice goes.
I have always thought of writing a book to warn other women of the horrors they may face unknowingly birthing villains: thank you for affirming my thoughts ❤️🥰 It’s strange but I have not found a memoir detailing the horrors of having a difficult kid by a parent (though the reverse is common: so many children write about their parents!): the closest I got to was Jane Adams ‘When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us’, but then again that was a compilation of family horror stories by a researcher.
Sending you lots of love and luck too. Stay blessed 😇 🌹
Have a talk with your husband and tell him that he needs to pull his weight.
His kids won’t ask him to do breakfast because his kid is scared of asking and being yelled at.
Your husband needs to put out cereal and milk, and a bowl. He needs to teach his kids to pour himself milk and cereal. Or maybe put out some biscuit or some fruits or something.
He is a dad now. He needs to realize this. Feeding his kids should be a priority.
Have a sit down with your kids and tell him this too. He can ask dad and he won’t be yelled at for it.
Time to pull out the ‘you either do 50% all of the time, or I’ll leave you and we’ll go to 50/50 custody and you’ll be doing 100% half of the time. You choose’.
Then maybe show him that GLORIOUS post of the guy who wanted his ex back because she left him and he was drowning while she was utterly thriving. Turns out parenthood is way easier when you ditch the man child.
Where's that post? It sounds hilarious. And possibly fake? Not that I doubt it happens to man-child "dads" all the time after divorce. That's why so many try to get a new partner to do all the parenting stuff, which is so messed up
Ah, there it is. ✨The weaponised incompetence ✨ falling on deaf ears and probably weaponised moodiness. If both you and your kids clearly don’t need him as he is showing not to be needed. Get out of this mess. Life will be so much easier without him, do it for the sake of your children. Your kid needs to learn that it’s not okay for their needs to go unmet and still live with deadweight individuals.
I think so, too. Which is really sad and frustrating. The dad should be the one telling the kid “let mom sleep, she needs some rest”. Like have some respect and be a kind human. When your SO is sleeping, let them peacefully sleep and help the kid yourself! This would make me so mad.
My 3yo was sitting next to his dad watching TV. He agreed it to be paused, then came outside to interrupt me mowing the lawn to ask for his water bottle to be refilled.
That's how inept small children think men are.
This sounds like a failure on your husband. Have you talked to him about this?
When my son was 4, I was having such a hard time always being the only one to be interrupted and get stuff. I pointed out to my husband how often I never got to finish things (a game, meal, show, whatever) and that he was the only one who got to do that stuff because the kids didn’t go to him.
My husband started stepping in when our son asked me for stuff. He would stand up first and say things like “Mom’s busy right now, but I can get it for you.” And “I’m right here, it’s okay to ask me.” He encouraged the kids to go to him and split the time.
It felt amazing that my husband wanted to teach our kids that he was a loving father while also teaching them that I’m a mom, but also a human who can’t do it all.
I think maybe talking to your partner about why his child isn’t comfortable asking him to be a Dad might help open up an important conversation about you not being the only parent.
Yep yep yep. I also got bothered constantly when in the middle of something important while dad was watching tv bc “I’m in the middle of something did you ask your father//he’s busy.” My time was billed out at free clown time, dad’s time was nobel prize winning discovering the cure to cancer time.
My husband really needed to be on board and whenever he heard it happening would shout from the other room (before I could answer) what is it/what do you need?”
Familiarity breeds contempt, as the saying goes. We shuffled some things around in our life (my husband does the laundry and the cooking) so that my kids stopped automatically associating certain “services” w the female parent.
Dude? I’m assuming it’s morning, they’re both up together… Why is dad not automatically making him breakfast before he even HAS to ask?! As soon as my partner is up the first thing he does is make our son breakfast, on days when I’m in bed.
I don’t think it’s a matter of not caring, I think it’s a matter of routine and familiarity. Also probably an aspect of cultural gender roles. They just do what they know and unfortunately a lot of men know how their parents were and men tended to be detached parents in past generations.
I agree. Sometimes I really get on my partner about certain things then I reel myself back because what seems obvious to me isn’t obvious to him. Sometimes you have to step back and try to view the situation from an outsider point of view. It’s easy to live in our own heads since we’ve spent our whole lives in them.
Mom isn't being a deadbeat. She can give her kid options. If he wants a breakfast he can't easily make for himself (pancakes, etc.) then he can ask the parent that is available to him. Or he can suck it up and pour himself a bowl of cereal.
Man that honestly sucks. A very great deal of men will still assume that it’s the woman’s job to take care of and raise the child and also keep the housework up. A very great deal of men also believe women should work. I make it abundantly clear to all of my partners- if we are both working- we are both sharing house and child duties 50/50. None of this “bUt ThAt’S a WoMaN’s JoB” crap. It was traditionally the man’s job to be the sole provider while the woman stayed at home to take care of all these things. If providing has been split, so is housework and child care.
I was raised in a home where my lazy piece of shit father refused to do any household or child duties. He also refused to work. My mother did literally EVERYTHING. The man was tasked with washing my hair ONCE and I remember he did such a horrible job that that was the day I learned to do it myself. This asshole was such a useless deadbeat that he even had me start vacuuming and washing dishes at the age of 5 because I needed to “start learning how to be a woman.” Couldn’t even tell you how many knives I accidentally cut myself on while he sat on the couch drinking wine and watching tennis because he was “from a high class society.” Meaning him mommy did everything for him and he didn’t even know how to wipe his own ass properly. Not even kidding- I did his laundry.
I have zero tolerance for that shit. The father of your child needs to step the fuck up.
Yeah, boyfriend's 13yo brother came to visit and first morning came to me asking for cereal. I smiled, said sure and pointed to the box and the fridge. He stood there baffled and said "mum usually makes it for me". FFS, 13yo and can't get himself a bowl of cereal?!
The kids know dad will either do it and make it with no thought except he has to do it so kid gets lectured, ignored or rolled eyes, heavy sighs and is left anxious wondering what he's done so wrong
My ex would use our daughter asking for anything as an excuse to set the mood for the whole day to be ruined .
Trips cancelled just because he was asked to get breaky.
Or juice not milk.
Father's like this are exhausting and create such an air of anxiety.
Kick his arse to the curb or match his energy.
He can't get the kid breaky, you can't get his dinner
He can't take the kid to the park for a couple hours you can't and won't do his washing.
For everything he can't do he takes time from you so you can't do either
My (now) ex bf had an 8 year old son with his ex wife. I made what felt like countless attempts to bond with the little guy, and will never forget the day he came over to me after I’d just walked in the door following a run and asked me if I’d make him a sandwich. My ex told him, “I can make you something, buddy. Let Ms. Heather relax.” “But she makes the best grilled cheese.” I swear I was like a kid on Christmas morning and couldn’t wipe the bozo smile off my face for the rest of the day.
My daughter is in a huge momma phase right now. She had a meltdown because dad tried peeling her apple, momma has to do it. She's 21 months and insists I do everything. I'm hoping it passes
I was making my own toast, cereal, Top Ramen, sandwiches, and toasting /microwaving frozen food at that age. Also doing my own laundry standing on a stepping stool. You and your kid will thank you for the independence if you show them how to do these things (if they don't already know, then the next step is to make rules, I knew not to bother my parents till they got out of bed) ❤️
PS - The doing their own chores/laundry might not be more appreciated till they are an adult and HAVE to do those things, but they will be grateful for the knowledge and good habits.
PSS - Get your husband to help and/or do the teaching (agreeing with a lot of the other comments here)
He is too old not to know how to prepare a bowl of cereal or operate a toaster. Did he learn this helplessness from him dad? If so, nip that in the bud, we don't need another generation.
Teach him as a bonding exercise, it will give him skills, confidence and may even spark an interest in cooking.
This is super dependant on age. At young ages they really could be asking for mom special attention by asking that. My brother (12) eats dad's cooking 90% of the time. Whenever my mom cooks he asks for dad to make it or make something else. It's just their love language as both of them are awkward with each other. But sometimes something as simple as a pop tart made by dad beats gourmet breakfast by mom 😅
Happens all the time in my house. The kids get in moods where one parent is better than the other. Doesn't matter if I had toast, eggs, sausage and the whole thing laid out, they'd still want cereal poured by mom.
My stepdaughter would never ask her Dad to make breakfast because she quickly learned that her needs would go unmet whether she asked or not. She would rather be hungry in peace and quiet than be hungry and crying because she got shouted at for waking him up/interupting him/being too demanding. I think you aren't suffering because of the child in this particular situation, but due to the lack of a cooperative partner.
I have a lot trauma because my mom shouted at us all the time ( she was a single parent). It really changes someone when they are being shouted out. I hope your step daughter gets to speak to a mental health provider. I am a huge people pleaser, hypervilgent and so many other things I have to work through thanks to my mom yelling and doing other things.
It’s called being the default parent. Your husband has become so utterly useless to the kid’s rearing that even the child does not trust him enough to depend on him for basic things such as food.
Are you reading my thoughts?
Yeah it literally does not seem like the kid is the issue here its who the kid's father is. OP , does your child do anything else that actually makes them difficult? Maybe all are tied to dad (still very difficult- but for a different reason).
That’s a lot of assumptions. There are some things my kid always goes to for me, some he always goes to for his mom. Kids have weird preferences. But reading into it and assuming that one of us is a useless parent because our coloring or putting toppings on a pizza are not to his liking is just… a reach.
But to make breakfast? I understand one parent being the go-to for math homework and one being the go-to for computer trouble, but food is an essential human skill that BOTH parents need to master. The fact that a hungry kid would rather wait for mom to get up than have dad make him some pancakes or cereal shows that the dad is either unwilling or incompetent to help with a basic task.
No one said the dad refused to make breakfast. She simply says the kid went to wake her up saying he wanted breakfast.
Look, you’re not going to like this. While your example is *possible* it’s not the *probable* situation. The fact is that a father who can and will do equal parenting (for whatever reason) is the exception and we all know it. Yeah, it hurts men’s feelings when you point out they are falling down at adulting, but protecting egos isn’t going to help them. The fact is that most fathers don’t do half or even 1/3 of the childcare, housework, or time management of the family. Now, you MIGHT, but that would be rare. The fact that you don’t acknowledge this reality in your comment leads me to believe you refuse to see this truth and want to gaslight everyone.
This exactly. That person sounds like the dude who always has to go in on posts about women being murdered by their spouses and comment "not ALL men!!!" and then start talking about Andrea yates, as if it's even remotely relevant to the situation.
Tell me you weren’t raised by a default parent without telling me you weren’t raised by a default parent. Because u/doodlecadoodle just described my dad to a T.
Hah wow. That’s my dad to a T too
I know my kids preferences and make an effort to accommodate, their dad did not prioritise their preferences and thought everyone should like things his way. So of course the kids would default to asking me because it was too much drama and not what they wanted or needed if they asked him. It’s a shitty reality and one loads of men just don’t seem to want to acknowledge.
There is absolutely no reason a kid should go past an awake parent sitting in the same room to wake up another on be fed
I kind of agree with you. May be he just wanted his mother to be awake and he thought asking for food would be a good excuse. I remember being a kid and always wanting adults to be awake. I hated letting adults sleep. I wanted them awake and giving me attention at all times. Even if another care giver was available. More attention=good.
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It’s funny how this sub is supposed to be supportive until someone says something you don’t agree with
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I’m just saying maybe it’s not because the father is neglectful.
Sorry you're dealing with that. When I was a toddler my parents trained me to leave them alone in the morning by leaving me a bowl of already poured cereal (dry) and a juice box. They also left out picture books and the TV on a kids program channel. Not sure if something like that will work (maybe cold poptarts instead of cereal?) but it might help. The dad really needs to do better though by stopping the kiddo from bothering you in the morning and just making breakfast without being asked.
The dad 100% needs to do better.
What was dad’s reaction when you communicated this to them?
He got mad bc " nobody thinks he can do anything ". I told him maybe if kid sees you do things he would know.
He got mad? Maybe he should be more proactive. Maybe he should be better at asking his kid "Hey you hungry? What do you want for breakfast?" And then cooking instead of letting kid be hungry and wake you up.
So in other words, he is well aware of the problem. And apparently also not doing anything about it. The appropriate response from him seeing your child go to the room to wake you up would be to stop the child and make him breakfast since this is an ongoing issue. He should be telling the kid, “don’t wake your mom I will make you breakfast”. Sounds like he needs to learn how to take charge.
Sounds like you're married to my stbx! I love my kids, but hate parenting them with him.
Great idea! Maybe even a special tiny fridge “just for the kid(s)” with a mini bottle of milk so that they feel special? This of course assumes they are old enough to eat unsupervised eg. no risk of choking to prevent being woken up at 6AM for breakfast
Aww, the mini fridge is an adorable idea! Love it. Some of thise desktop ones for soda cans aren't too expensive, and could work well if there's no room (or money) for a mini dorm sized fridge. Plus they can come in fun colors!
My parents would just yell at me.
I was kinda raised the same way. How do you think it affected you overall? I have so many other traumas I can’t really say how that one thing affected me.
I'm sorry to hear things were so rough for you. I had a nice childhood overall with a loving family (only sometimes snapped at me), so I don't think eating on my own and reading or watching stuff for awhile as a toddler was a problem or changed me in any way. Maybe just taught me to be more self-sufficient? But I've always been an introvert (and only child) so I might just naturally have been fine on my own. According to my mom I only ever had two tantrums as a young child, so overall I was an easy kid. A lot of the kids mentioned in this sub are much more difficult so that approach might not be as useful with them
You’re right: you (introvert ie easy kid) are the exception not the rule. Most kids will get others to do things for them even if they’re perfectly capable of doing them themselves. I was the only introvert kid plus middle child out of three in my family, and the combination of never getting my needs met and being told off not to bother anyone (even when my needs were genuine) led me to believe at a very young age that it was wrong to have needs: I would not even tell my mum if I was sick, instead I’d just put myself to bed early on my own at age 4. I am still pretty much the same as an adult. It was not until I became a teacher with 20 preschoolers wanting me to attend to each at the same time that I realised how kids practice learned helplessness for attention (my younger brother did to but I viewed it as favouritism, which was true as he was the baby. My doctor mum would rush home during lunch break everyday to hand-feed him else he wouldn’t eat lunch before school - this went on until he was 10). In my research and experience however I found that this thing of kids wanting adults to do everything for them is both attention-seeking as well as cultural: I know three year olds who have put dinner on the table and diapered their siblings while their drug-addicted parents were passed out. In Germany, an (American) mom friend of mine who lived there for a bit was sent a note by her 4-year-old son’s kindergarten that her child was not independent enough: always needing help with buttons, shoes, meals, cleaning up after himself etc and that SHE (to her horror: he was FOUR!) needed to do something about it. Turned out that German kids (like Japanese kids) were TAUGHT to be independent from a young age, unlike some other cultures which baby kids until they go to school or sometimes even till adulthood. All the same in this post I believe the mom is the default parent, which is the norm sadly. This is why there are so many ‘married single moms’ nowadays🤦🏻♀️😭
I completely agree with you about children being far more capable than we (at least Americans) as a society allow or give them credit for, which is very sad. It used to be common for 5 year olds to carry and use small knives in the past. Nowadays they'd lock a parent up for that. But .....seriously??? Hand-fed past the age of 3??? 10??? I can't imagine that helped him turn unto a functional adult..... and I am sorry to hear you had such a hard time and couldn't even feel like you were allowed any needs. My husband has a similar background and it's been hard getting him to believe that he isn't a burden to me when he's sick or needs help with things (which is probably better than how so many supposedly "adult" husbands turn into useless babies when slightly sick)
Yes he never graduated (unlike all his siblings), totalled a car my mum gave him for college (he refused to go otherwise), got into trouble with the law and is a useless chump now as a 30 year old. He is married but my 71 year old mum still pays his health insurance from HER own retirement account, reason being that ‘if anything happens to him and he doesn’t have insurance it is still gonna be ME (ie her, the mom) who is gonna fork out money for his hospital bills, and given his track record with drunk-driving… 🤦🏻♀️ I’ve given up on her enabling. I am sorry for your husband’s difficult past, but ironically his painful background has made you a lucky girl as the weaponised incompetence of men is a pandemic nowadays. 90% of divorces are initiated by women, as they refuse to be married single moms. Having grown up alongside my spoiled brother I am extra wary of men I date, as I have a mental blueprint in my mind of what the man might have been like in childhood. Spoiled kids don’t make good humans in general, let alone husbands (or wives). It is a painful irony that parents work so hard to provide comforts to their kids, yet it is these same comforts which make kids entitled and ungrateful. I hated my childhood and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, yet I would never swap places with my brother given the stark contrast in how we’ve turned out as adults. Makes me question whether providing material comforts for my future kids (which I’m working so hard towards) is going to be a good thing at all: I could publish a ‘horror’ memoir about the entitlement of the rich and famous brats I tutored. Marriage, kids and life in general have too many juxtaposes these days lol 😂 Lots of love to you and your beautiful family 🥰
Yikes! I'm shocked your brother is even married, and sad your mother is still doing so much instead of looking out for herself in old age. That's all very sad, I'm sorry. And thank you, my husband is a wonderful guy, just lots of anxiety and low self esteem, but he's been getting better now that he's in a healthier relationship for the first time. Seems like he had some bad past relationships too. Not to say I am perfect, but I am certainly loving and try my best to help make his life better. And maybe you should write that memoir! Or some kind of warning book on that kind of parenting. Hearing about your brother's story and other children you knew would honestly be useful information to get out there. I feel like a lot of that is still brushed under the rug, but it definitely has huge consequences later on, not just for them and their families but also society as a whole. I'd definitely read it! Love to you and yours as well, and best of luck! I have full confidence you'll do well.
Thank you and amen 🙏🏼 It is the sad truth that so many men and women who were maltreated as children end up in bad relationships first before learning that they can and should expect better. I didn’t start putting my foot down with my mum until I learned how to do so in college, thousands of miles away from her. Agreed: I am single until I find a man who can build me up instead of tear me down like my mum did - the road to recovery is lifelong but every inch of progress is tremendous and worthwhile. Glad to hear of your husband’s recovery: do give him lots of praise to shut off that critical voice inside his head, as well as lots of new happy memories to crowd out the painful ones. Sometimes I do wonder why I keep going back to the past when in fact it has all ended, but human beings are not robots with a delete all button installed to forget everything and ‘just move on’, as the familiar advice goes. I have always thought of writing a book to warn other women of the horrors they may face unknowingly birthing villains: thank you for affirming my thoughts ❤️🥰 It’s strange but I have not found a memoir detailing the horrors of having a difficult kid by a parent (though the reverse is common: so many children write about their parents!): the closest I got to was Jane Adams ‘When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us’, but then again that was a compilation of family horror stories by a researcher. Sending you lots of love and luck too. Stay blessed 😇 🌹
If you write the book, let me know :0) All the best!
I kinda wish my parents had been that caring and thoughtful. I was horribly neglected, starved and abused as a kid.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry
🫂🫂🫂
Have a talk with your husband and tell him that he needs to pull his weight. His kids won’t ask him to do breakfast because his kid is scared of asking and being yelled at. Your husband needs to put out cereal and milk, and a bowl. He needs to teach his kids to pour himself milk and cereal. Or maybe put out some biscuit or some fruits or something. He is a dad now. He needs to realize this. Feeding his kids should be a priority. Have a sit down with your kids and tell him this too. He can ask dad and he won’t be yelled at for it.
We have had the convo multiple times. Deaf ears.
Time to pull out the ‘you either do 50% all of the time, or I’ll leave you and we’ll go to 50/50 custody and you’ll be doing 100% half of the time. You choose’. Then maybe show him that GLORIOUS post of the guy who wanted his ex back because she left him and he was drowning while she was utterly thriving. Turns out parenthood is way easier when you ditch the man child.
Where's that post? It sounds hilarious. And possibly fake? Not that I doubt it happens to man-child "dads" all the time after divorce. That's why so many try to get a new partner to do all the parenting stuff, which is so messed up
Ah, there it is. ✨The weaponised incompetence ✨ falling on deaf ears and probably weaponised moodiness. If both you and your kids clearly don’t need him as he is showing not to be needed. Get out of this mess. Life will be so much easier without him, do it for the sake of your children. Your kid needs to learn that it’s not okay for their needs to go unmet and still live with deadweight individuals.
Honestly, he can keep the kid
Those aren’t your kids? You are a step parent?
K8d is mine. I just don't enjoy this life.
Seriously.. fuck that shit!!!
I would bet father told him to do that. He probably said he was hungry.
I think so, too. Which is really sad and frustrating. The dad should be the one telling the kid “let mom sleep, she needs some rest”. Like have some respect and be a kind human. When your SO is sleeping, let them peacefully sleep and help the kid yourself! This would make me so mad.
Yep. God forbid we expect a father to feed his own children once in a while.
My 3yo was sitting next to his dad watching TV. He agreed it to be paused, then came outside to interrupt me mowing the lawn to ask for his water bottle to be refilled. That's how inept small children think men are.
I hate that shit. My husband’s kids will LITERALLY walk by him and come ask me some dumb shit. I tell them “Go ask your dad.” Fuck that shit.
This sounds like a failure on your husband. Have you talked to him about this? When my son was 4, I was having such a hard time always being the only one to be interrupted and get stuff. I pointed out to my husband how often I never got to finish things (a game, meal, show, whatever) and that he was the only one who got to do that stuff because the kids didn’t go to him. My husband started stepping in when our son asked me for stuff. He would stand up first and say things like “Mom’s busy right now, but I can get it for you.” And “I’m right here, it’s okay to ask me.” He encouraged the kids to go to him and split the time. It felt amazing that my husband wanted to teach our kids that he was a loving father while also teaching them that I’m a mom, but also a human who can’t do it all. I think maybe talking to your partner about why his child isn’t comfortable asking him to be a Dad might help open up an important conversation about you not being the only parent.
We have had too many talks.
Then it’s time to leave
Yep yep yep. I also got bothered constantly when in the middle of something important while dad was watching tv bc “I’m in the middle of something did you ask your father//he’s busy.” My time was billed out at free clown time, dad’s time was nobel prize winning discovering the cure to cancer time. My husband really needed to be on board and whenever he heard it happening would shout from the other room (before I could answer) what is it/what do you need?” Familiarity breeds contempt, as the saying goes. We shuffled some things around in our life (my husband does the laundry and the cooking) so that my kids stopped automatically associating certain “services” w the female parent.
Dude? I’m assuming it’s morning, they’re both up together… Why is dad not automatically making him breakfast before he even HAS to ask?! As soon as my partner is up the first thing he does is make our son breakfast, on days when I’m in bed.
Why are sooo many dads like this? They fail to be an actual parent. Are they too stupid to realize it or are they just too selfish and don’t care?
They realise but are too selfish to do it so let the kid bug mum all the time.
the more men i meet and date and work with and encounter in all the daily things, i realize that men in general are just very lazy.
Thank God I’m bisexual! Lol 🙌🏼
I don’t think it’s a matter of not caring, I think it’s a matter of routine and familiarity. Also probably an aspect of cultural gender roles. They just do what they know and unfortunately a lot of men know how their parents were and men tended to be detached parents in past generations.
I understand what you’re saying but these dads really need to do better.
I agree. Sometimes I really get on my partner about certain things then I reel myself back because what seems obvious to me isn’t obvious to him. Sometimes you have to step back and try to view the situation from an outsider point of view. It’s easy to live in our own heads since we’ve spent our whole lives in them.
How old is the kid? I would tell him he has 2 choices: ask your dad or pour yourself a bowl of cereal.
My kid is 4 and can make herself breakfast, should not be a big deal 🤷🏻♀️
or be hungry.
The solution to one deadbeat parent is not to out-deadbeat them.
Mom isn't being a deadbeat. She can give her kid options. If he wants a breakfast he can't easily make for himself (pancakes, etc.) then he can ask the parent that is available to him. Or he can suck it up and pour himself a bowl of cereal.
The hell it ain’t 🤣🤣
Misogyny
Yep, it starts early.
Man that honestly sucks. A very great deal of men will still assume that it’s the woman’s job to take care of and raise the child and also keep the housework up. A very great deal of men also believe women should work. I make it abundantly clear to all of my partners- if we are both working- we are both sharing house and child duties 50/50. None of this “bUt ThAt’S a WoMaN’s JoB” crap. It was traditionally the man’s job to be the sole provider while the woman stayed at home to take care of all these things. If providing has been split, so is housework and child care. I was raised in a home where my lazy piece of shit father refused to do any household or child duties. He also refused to work. My mother did literally EVERYTHING. The man was tasked with washing my hair ONCE and I remember he did such a horrible job that that was the day I learned to do it myself. This asshole was such a useless deadbeat that he even had me start vacuuming and washing dishes at the age of 5 because I needed to “start learning how to be a woman.” Couldn’t even tell you how many knives I accidentally cut myself on while he sat on the couch drinking wine and watching tennis because he was “from a high class society.” Meaning him mommy did everything for him and he didn’t even know how to wipe his own ass properly. Not even kidding- I did his laundry. I have zero tolerance for that shit. The father of your child needs to step the fuck up.
Yeah, boyfriend's 13yo brother came to visit and first morning came to me asking for cereal. I smiled, said sure and pointed to the box and the fridge. He stood there baffled and said "mum usually makes it for me". FFS, 13yo and can't get himself a bowl of cereal?!
That's crazy. That kid is going to be the type of man who expects his girlfriend to do everything for him because "that's what women do".
The kids know dad will either do it and make it with no thought except he has to do it so kid gets lectured, ignored or rolled eyes, heavy sighs and is left anxious wondering what he's done so wrong My ex would use our daughter asking for anything as an excuse to set the mood for the whole day to be ruined . Trips cancelled just because he was asked to get breaky. Or juice not milk. Father's like this are exhausting and create such an air of anxiety. Kick his arse to the curb or match his energy. He can't get the kid breaky, you can't get his dinner He can't take the kid to the park for a couple hours you can't and won't do his washing. For everything he can't do he takes time from you so you can't do either
It's not exactly regret as a parent ~ it's on the partner!
So this post is about an incompetent father rather than an annoying child. You will agree if you dig deeper...
My (now) ex bf had an 8 year old son with his ex wife. I made what felt like countless attempts to bond with the little guy, and will never forget the day he came over to me after I’d just walked in the door following a run and asked me if I’d make him a sandwich. My ex told him, “I can make you something, buddy. Let Ms. Heather relax.” “But she makes the best grilled cheese.” I swear I was like a kid on Christmas morning and couldn’t wipe the bozo smile off my face for the rest of the day.
A little sweet talk is nice.
My daughter is in a huge momma phase right now. She had a meltdown because dad tried peeling her apple, momma has to do it. She's 21 months and insists I do everything. I'm hoping it passes
How old is your kid? Tell him to pour himself some cereal.
8. He could of.
I was making my own toast, cereal, Top Ramen, sandwiches, and toasting /microwaving frozen food at that age. Also doing my own laundry standing on a stepping stool. You and your kid will thank you for the independence if you show them how to do these things (if they don't already know, then the next step is to make rules, I knew not to bother my parents till they got out of bed) ❤️ PS - The doing their own chores/laundry might not be more appreciated till they are an adult and HAVE to do those things, but they will be grateful for the knowledge and good habits. PSS - Get your husband to help and/or do the teaching (agreeing with a lot of the other comments here)
He is too old not to know how to prepare a bowl of cereal or operate a toaster. Did he learn this helplessness from him dad? If so, nip that in the bud, we don't need another generation. Teach him as a bonding exercise, it will give him skills, confidence and may even spark an interest in cooking.
This is super dependant on age. At young ages they really could be asking for mom special attention by asking that. My brother (12) eats dad's cooking 90% of the time. Whenever my mom cooks he asks for dad to make it or make something else. It's just their love language as both of them are awkward with each other. But sometimes something as simple as a pop tart made by dad beats gourmet breakfast by mom 😅
It's not the kid fault. He's telling you he doesn't trust his father. You've a problem and it's your partner.
Kids are so selfish. It’s not their fault but still can’t stand it
Plot twist: your cooking is superior
It was canned biscuits
Happens all the time in my house. The kids get in moods where one parent is better than the other. Doesn't matter if I had toast, eggs, sausage and the whole thing laid out, they'd still want cereal poured by mom.
omg bestie, plz get divorced immediately
Ugh. I get it. Next time, don't make him anything even after you get up. Get dressed and leave and get yourself something to eat.
That’s kids for you. Mommy is it.
My kids know better than to wait on dad.