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This. He RAPED you OP.
He anally raped you. There is no other way to state it. There was no warm up. There was no consent. There was not even care about your comfort.
Seriously. He knew she has PTSD and that she was not comfortable or responding. Guess what… that means all sexual contact STOPS! He needed to ask her if she was ok and communicate with her. If she couldn’t communicate in that moment then he needed to just be there and support her.
I will say doesn’t matter what they were doing, though he should have never tried to stick it in if he didn’t ask and she didn’t consent. Rapists often say “just relax, so I can do it and it’ll be over.”
Oof, big same. Also, "I like you like this" (terrified and fighting).
Big supportive consensual hugs to OP and everyone in this thread who has been through this.
My rapist said the same. I also was so scared I just shut down and didn't say anything. I'm so glad you dumped him!!!! Once a predator always a predator.
I think I’d have a hard time not fighting him truly. The more I love myself the less stuff I put up with. And that would trigger my fight response for sure. I can feel it in my body just reading her experience. To the OP I’m so sorry this happens to you. This is so traumatic. And it was so wrong of him to do. Please talk to someone you trust about this experience. You don’t need to hold onto any emotions you have surrounding it and your feelings are valid.
I've heard you could also get STIs when going from vaginal to anal and vice versa without properly cleaning or changing condoms? I really don't know how much truth there is to it as I have done neither but I'd still feel so uncomfortable with a partner who didn't consider any of these things
It’s okay to go from vag to anal, assuming the woman doesn’t have a STI.
You should NEVER go from anal back to vag without washing. Some people are okay with just changing the condom, but that really isn’t okay because fecal matter can have rubbed on the bodies.
Yes, anal sex has increased risk of tearing (even micro tears) because of course we don't have natural lubrication. That is why generous amounts of lube are necessary to ensure that this activity is pleasurable rather than painful. Never use a numbing lube with anal sex! It is important that you are aware if anything feels painful or uncomfortable. Definitely do not switch from unprotected vaginal intercourse to unprotected anal intercourse, that's a good way to get a serious UTI. Always be aware for your partner's STI status before having any kind of unprotected sex
Definitely dump him. If you feel comfortable also report him. At the basic knowledge level no one goes cold turkey on anal, he had both prior conversation to reinforce that and should have the life experience to have more than basic knowledge (even if not having done anal). Then there is the the fricken SEXUAL ASSULT component of which he definitely knows.
But OP, don't let this define you. You got yourself out of an abusive relationship and you put yourself out there again. Maybe this hurdle knocked you but you'll get back up and carry on. You've already proven you have the strength!
Her was completely wrong and he knows it. He is fully aware that he would not be cool with anyone putting a dick in his ass without checking in first. He knew it wouldn't be ok with you, but he did it anyway. If you bring it up he'll say "well you didn't say anything" but the onus was on him to get consent, and *he knows that*.
I couldn't agree more! You clearly communicated that preparation and mood were critical, he pretended he understood, then he anally raped you! 🤮
OP, I'm proud of you for ending it and ghosting your rapist!
As a man, I wholeheartedly support you!!
He was begging and pleading?! wtaf?
He's a rapist. What he wants another chance to sexually assualt you again? Seriously?
Vile. Nothing in your description of this horrible encounter tells me that he wasn't fully aware even days beforehand with the facts that you absolutely didn't want this and he tried this without consent, you absolutely tried to stop him, nothing in your manner or bodily reaction could be mistaken for consent. He KNEW what he was doing and he has the gall to be begging and pleading.
Did you meet him on a dating site? Other women should be warned?
She fucking yelped when he put it in. And he continued. He didn’t have consent to begin with, then persisted when she yelled out in pain. What a piece of garbage.
Them he tried putting the blame on op because she didn't react like the girls in the porn he watches. It's creeps like this that forget that porn is FICTION. Even the (rational) people who are into noncon porn and such are very, very clear that it is fiction and not to be reenacted in reality because rape is not sexy.
This guy doesn't deserve to be near other people if he can't understand that.
For real, if you can report him to the site, OP, you should. Also, if you have a local girls only group, people should know that he did this.
Consequences.
Good for you.
Honestly he got away lightly, considering you should've reported him. Completely disgusting of a human being and very cruel to knowingly do this to someone who has already gone through PTSD from her last relationship
Block him. He’s going to try and use your vulnerability and his crocodile tears to try and convince you otherwise .. You jerking away from him was very clear , there is no way he didn’t know.. Stay strong and true to yourself. You got this
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
When I met my bf he asked if I’d tried anal and I told him “not intentionally” lol. My ex was an abusive POS but I don’t think he did it on purpose, but he “missed” and it really hurt. I cried.
When I first had anal with my boyfriend he was very gentle, slow, asked me if I was okay and asked my permission to keep going. That’s what stuck out to me in your post.
At first I thought maybe the guys just inexperienced. All he’s seen is porn and the girls are just ready to go, he doesn’t understand the necessary build up. But you tried to jerk away, which should have been a clue he was doing something wrong and instead of checking you were ok he carried on.
You deserve so much better and you will find it. Stay strong xx
Nobody 'slips' into your arse. Nobody 'misses' the big wet yielding designed-for-entry vagina and accidentally ends up in your small tight dry designed to stay tightly closed except for occasional exit arse.
Similarly no-one accidentally 'slips' into your vagina without a condom because they were just rolling over you to get to the other side of the bed at the time.
These things are not oopsies. They are rape.
Edit: I'm so sorry you had this experience.
He’s just trying to abuse you further. Good that you cut it off. Him saying that he feels bad now is just language from an abuser who wants you to feel sorry for him because he abused you. How sick and twisted. People like that just look for new ways to abuse you. Good riddance.
silence is not consent. if he acknowledges what he did in any of those text messages you should take them to the police.
i doubt the police will actually do anything tbh but it will help the next woman he does this to, because there's always a next one.
Classic abuser response (sorry I feel like I'm responding a lot, it's just I went through the exact same scenario). The abuser, the rapist, puts the blame on the victim.
Then when you rightly end the relationship, the abuser turns to begging, pleading, apologizing. They will become the perfect, attentive boyfriend....until the next time.
The fact that he could tell you were uncomfortable and he just said to “relax”… he is a disgusting human being and you need to leave immediately. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP that’s truly heartbreaking. This is not your fault at all it’s solely on him.
Exactly. Let's be very clear, this was rape. OP, I know this might be a heavy thing to realize (it was for me when it happened to me) but you were anally raped. This was a horrendous and painful thing that happened to you. He was well aware of what he was doing, his intention was to inflict pain upon you, humiliate you, and manipulate you.
She yelped and pulled away. That's a pretty obvious stop indicator.
He was a predator to start with. He heard "was in an abusive relationship and has PTSD" and saw you as someone easy to victimize.
Yes. There’s a reason why rape and abuse victims are often victimized more than once. Some of it may be due to abuse victims overlooking red flags that people who aren’t abuse victims may not overlook but it also is because predators seek out vulnerable people with past abuse because they know they can victimize them again.
He didn’t care about your wishes; to do this knowing what you have been through was callous and cruel. He is testing your boundaries, hoping he can make you fold like you did in previous relationships. He is wrong and will only get worse, speaking from experience. I would chew him a new asshole and block him. Not sure how productive charges would be-most cops give zero shits about rape, in my experience.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible human he is. Tell him how despicable he is and block him for good. Please get some therapy, it’s obvious to me you have some trauma to work through and it can definitely make you more susceptible to further abuse. Don’t beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong.
Dump him immediately. Don’t blame yourself for not speaking up. A lot of women freeze.
I consider this rape since you stated clearly that it requires communication and prep. He agreed!
It’s up to you if you want to press charges.
Totally agree, but I just wanna say there is no such thing as a civilian choosing to press charges. Even with evidence, most rapists don't even get charged, let alone convicted. Having been in the exact same situation as this woman, except the guy was a family friend, there is virtually nothing besides he said she said. And I think that 99% of the time, it further traumatizes and retraumatizes the survivor to go down that road. Totally up to her if she wants to go to the authorities, but she should know what she's getting into first.
Whether she pursues this criminally is entirely up to her, of course. Some women actually need to feel they at least tried to get justice. Everyone copes differently. Even a police report with no further action can empower her, knowing that there is something on record to help another case if he offends again or has in the past.
This! I reported the guy that tried to rape me, nobody believed me, but I am glad I reported because there is now a record out there, he was interviewed by police, and I believe he will now think twice before doing it to another person. To me, it was worth reporting just for that.
It is so hard to report. I didn't because I was 14. I had been a run away. I felt I deserved it. It took many years for me to tell anyone. It came back to haunt me after a pelvic surgery. I woke from anesthesia with similar pain in the same area and panicked. My nurse asked me later quietly if I'd been SA'd. I just nodded. To this day, all I could manage was admitting to my hubby that it happened, and my mom now knows. What gets me is that so many people get assaulted and seek no help. I just wish others to get the help I didn't ask for.
Definitely agree with you that reporting is what's best for some women. I just think it's just important to be mentally prepared before deciding to do that when so many comments on these types of posts say "press charges against him" as if it's that easy and simple.
OP, he anally raped you. Shutting down is a limbic response to trauma, it's not even close to giving your consent. I'm so sorry this man hurt you the way he did.
You'd already told him you had done it before, but it takes communication and prep work. All he heard was that yes, you had done it before - and he wanted to even up the scoreboard. He simply took what he wanted, the way he's probably seen it done in porn, with zero regard for your feelings - physical or emotional.
If this had happened to me, there's no way I could ever feel comfortable getting naked with him again - in fact, I would end things over text, so I didn't have to ever see him again. I don't know that it would help to press charges against him, since it would be his word against yours. But that is certainly an option, if you think it would help you feel better about what happened.
I've had one partner also "just lie there" during sex (note: I'm cis fem, he was cis male). I couldn't have sex with him.
He assured me he was indeed enjoying himself and that's just how he responded to sex but I just couldn't continue touching him when he lay still and silent like he was disassociating, it felt like I was violating him.
I *cannot* imagine just continuing if your partner does that, it's so *deeply* unnerving.
Agreed, this is rape. It's not ok, and there is zero chance he doesn't know that. I don't believe someone can get to that age and not know that you don't just jam your dick in someone's ass without consent, and prep (lube at the minimum!) etc.
This is why that “wrong hole” golf apparel company is so fucking gross to me. Like yeah, sexual assault is such a hilarious joke!! So funny!! Let’s go crack some beers with the boys!
I checked out their site. That is so crazy. Do they really think their "wink wink" is cute? Also, why is the 3rd hole blacked out in their logo? It that suppose to be "funny" too?
There is no way in the universe that this is your fault. In any way. I hope I said that clearly.
It is 100% his fault and the fact that you discussed it and he disregarded what you said completely makes it even worse. Have you talked to him about this? I will bet large sums of money that he will refuse to take responsibility and will gaslight you about it.
TL;DR - Dump him
I just brought it up tonight. I ended it, and asked him to just respect that, but he’s been blowing up my phone. He claims to feel like a horrible person, and said I should have said something.
But you did say something - upfront where he can't say he missed it. He just chose to ignore it. And "you should have said something" is code for "it's your fault". Yuck
I’ve never had sex and someone randomly shoved it up my ass. He is a horrible person so he should feel horrible. It’s not your fault you froze and shut down.
This guys is like "I know I raped you but you hate me now so I'm the true victim here". I am so glad that you dumped him and are not responding. I know you said you're in therapy but if you need more resources please check out [RAINN.org](https://www.rainn.org/). They have a wealth of information and avenues for more help if you need it.
He IS a horrible person. He is a rapist. He should have said something before he stuck his penis into another human being's asshole. Animal. OP, you should report him to police but if you decide not to, just block him, but message him before you do just to tell him very clearly that he is a rapist.
This is his attempt to continue to take from you. Tell him he should feel bad for being a rapist and to not ever contact you again for any reason. Don't respond to him again after that at all no matter what he says to you. If you choose not to file a report for rape, then at least seek a restraining order if he continues to harass you. Save all texts. Do not engage with him again for any reason because that's what he's looking for whether it's good or bad attention. You won't convince him he's a rapist because these types of men justify their actions in their heads however they need to not to take accountability for being pieces of shit.
No one who cares about remotely would ever do something sexual without your consent especially if you already expressed your stance on it. It is not worth salvaging or speaking to him again in my opinion he doesn't care about you at all.
I had this same exact thing happen to me when i was younger. You were raped. I would take time to process and seek therapy and definitely keep no contact. He doesnt respect you. I ended up just ghosting my attacker which made him mad. I also shut down and didnt process what happened to me for years.
Also no issue if you didnt speak up, I didnt until I was confronted then promptly blocked. I wish I reported, but I at least got to confront over text and make peace with myself that way
So he knows you were abused in the past. He also knows that you didn't want surprise anal but to talk about it first and he did surprise anal anyways. He noticed you were tense during surprise anal and told you to "relax" instead of stopping to see how you were doing.
Three major red flags that he doesn't respect your boundaries.
It’s rape. Full stop. You didn’t do anything wrong and he knew what he did. Break up with him immediately from a distance through a text. He’s dangerous.
Not only did he disregard what you told him and he seemingly agreed about it, but when he actually did it , that was a surprise to you and then still didn't read your body language that he shouldn't be doing that, he doubled down and just told you to try to calm down and accept it.
Nope.... That's not what you talked about and that's not how it was supposed to go down.
This is not a guy who needs to be around you any more.
Yep, the fact he didn't question if he had messed up when she yelped but grabbed massage oil to try relax her instead ... he isn't a rookie.
I think he was just trying to guilt her in first place to let him do it by suggesting he's never done it before. I wouldn't be surprised if he uses the excuse, but she admits she's enjoyed an@l in the past.
You did speak up - you clearly had already previously communicated that it was a sometimes thing with preparation. And you tensed up and frozen - which is also communication- which he clearly also understood because he verbally responded to it. This is sexual assault. Please care for yourself and leave him. You did nothing to deserve this. You did nothing wrong. He is 100% in the wrong. Men know that this is not ok - he knows - he just didn’t care about hurting you and violating you
This is the R word. I freeze as well. I had to learn the heard way that you don't give a person that does this another chance. This happened to me with 3 different men. After therapy I can spot a boundary pusher and have not had it happen since. If a man does anything I asked him not to do just to be an ass or as a joke or for any reason pushes against my boundaries I absolutely do not Explain them. I immediately leave because it's not safe for me. I'm better able to say no now and it's good for my current relationship.
'If a man does anything I asked him not to do just to be an ass or as a joke or for any reason pushes against my boundaries, I absolutely do not explain them. I immediately leave because it's not safe for me' - THIS, so much this. If I say I don't want to go to Starbucks and my date is insisting to go to Starbucks, I am out of there. The people that don't respect 'no' in non-sexual situations are the ones that end up assaulting others.
He’s sexually abusive . Dump him NOW. Dont even feel bad about his feelings either for one second. You know in your heart that he’s wrong. He knows he’s wrong too and dosent care. LEAVE. NOW
He’s 44 and just raped you. He probably isn’t a brain surgeon but he is also not brain dead. He has determined that you are a possession that he now owns and can do what he wants with. You need to get out now before he hurts you again. You need to get OUT
OP, pls believe all the people telling you this is rape, because it is. Not only is it assault, but it is quite dangerous. This can cause a bowel rupture, which is EXTREMELY painful, but also women have become permanently disabled from anal rape. I’m talking about a colonoscopy bag forever. Get AWAY from this man.
Predators will seek out DV victims to abuse them more. You need to put dating on hold & heal more, do group therapy and or therapy in general.
Lot of men are predators. Contact a rape crisis center to help you process all of this.
He knows what he did was wrong and he was banking on the chance that you would just stay quiet and let him do it.
Absolutely disgusting behavior. I would personally tear him a new one and make sure that people knew what kind of scumbag he is.
You were raped. If you can call the cops and press charges it could help.
If you don’t want to go that route, dump him and get therapy.(which you should do on top of reporting this.)
The guy straight up sexually assaulted you. He knew he was doing something you hadn’t consented to and he failed to stop when he saw how uncomfortable you were doing it. Dump his ass now.
Please don’t blame yourself for your own sexual assault. He CHOSE to do this to you. He showed you what kind of person he really is and will continue to be if you stay with him. I’m truly sorry that he chose to re-traumatize you for his own pleasure. He’s a real pos and I have a feeling you aren’t the first woman he has done this to unfortunately.
What he did is truly awful. He sexually assaulted you, he doesn’t deserve another chance. You did nothing wrong here- don’t let him make you doubt yourself.
I wish every man who ever pressures or forces his partner to submit to anal sex experiences forceful anal penetration himself, by someone bigger and stronger than him.
You didn’t have to speak up. You were crystal clear it would require prior consent, prep and planning. He ignored that and ignored your obvious physical “no’s”.
Don’t ever contact me again after that shit you pulled the other night. We discussed that anal sex involves consent and prep and then you took it upon yourself to rape me.
Copy and paste that to him and block immediately! He is
Came after the update
You did speak up, you yelped in surprise and pain. That to me would be an immediate no. He then continued without your consent. There's a really simple word for that. He's lucky you're not reporting him for Buggery.
Leave him, don't answer his calls, don't respond to his texts. If anyone asks why the relationship failed, you can be brutally honest. That guy raped you. If he keeps on harassing you, don't forget harassment is also a crime.
*he didn’t know I wouldn’t want it, and that he feels like a horrible person* Lying liar who lies. You told him only days before under what conditions you’d consider it. He ignored that.
You yelped and pushed him away. He told you to relax, so clearly he knew you weren’t into it.
He **is** a horrible person.
Good for you for ending it. He’s and asshole who forced you to have anal sex: that’s a rapist.
Don’t pick up the phone and ever talk to him because he will manipulate you and tell you it was your fault you didn’t speak up and that you’re in the wrong for making him feel bad. You just happened upon a bad person, it’s not how you deserve to be treated he just sucks.
Some people may say you should have spoken up but I understand that for women, even if you spoke up, it might not have done anything or worsen the abuse. You were raped. All Non-Consensual sexual acts are rape even if it started out as consensual.
I think you should stop dating and see a therapist.
That's called rape. He did not have your consent. You need to end it IMMEDIATELY! Please, for your own safety. End it and block him everywhere. He is no better than your ex.
Seriously, please end it.
In my book that is rape. To begin with, you do not ever need to see him again. I do not believe he never did it before (at his age?)---I think it's part of how he plays it. I think he enjoyed knowing you were not prepared.
No, he was 100% in the wrong and I would not have sex with him again. You did nothing wrong.
He has shown himself to be a boundary pusher and possibly got off on putting you in a situation you did not enjoy.
Do not waste your energy beating yourself up over how you acted in the moment. It is a perfectly normal trauma response and you act like that out of self-preservation. This was not your fault. You made your point perfectly clear and he chose to ignore it.
I’m surprised you could stand it. Didn’t that hurt? I’d have started thrashing around and screaming get off me! And I’d have kicked his ass out. Jesus time to dump this freak.
It’s hard to say something while you’re actively being raped. Tell him he needs to understand that it was rape and he is to have no contact with you any further. I’m so sorry you went through that. ((Hugs)) Please make sure you speak to your therapist about this situation.
He should feel like a horrible person, he's a rapist. Please do not blame yourself for your survival instincts kicking in and making you freeze. He's a disgusting p.o.s., I would block him on everything. You deserve someone caring and thoughtful. Stay strong OP.
Well done OP. Be kind to yourself.
You have done nothing wrong. I would block him now. You don’t need to hear his gas lighting garbage. He knows what he did
Nope, he overstepped your boundaries. Not an inch, but more like a couple of miles. In your shoes I wouldn't give him a second chance. If he oversteps again, no more chances. He violated your consent, so at the first sign of trouble, out he goes.
I found out my ex (m44, London) did something similar to a woman in a threesome with his ex (two relationships prior to me). It took her a while to call him out on it (via text). She had not consented. He feigned shock and ignorance that it hadn’t been ok. I found this out from his former best friend who had ended the friendship over losing patience with ‘the way he treats women’. He had, coincidentally, met this same woman through an app and it transpired they both knew my ex and she told him the story and shared their texts.
What happened to you ISN’T ok. We all react in different ways and you were in a vulnerable position to resist. You hadn’t given consent, he hadn’t asked before, and your moving away clearly shows he at least needed to say sorry for the surprise and ask explicitly, not tell you to relax.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
I myself was given HSV2 (genital herpes) by my ex. He lied about his sexual health status. When I got symptoms he was very calm and understanding - I felt awful, and I was blamed for being the carrier. It only transpired after I contacted his ex that he had known all along he had it and was infected at least six months prior to meeting me. This also brings up ‘consent’ issues. I’ve had lengthy discussions with the police about prosecuting, if you are also considering whether you take further action, please feel free to DM me and I’ll share what I’ve found out (if you’re also in the UK) about the process.
Immediate knee up and in the balls, “oh, just relax.”
😒 The pain is equivalent. I hope you heal OP. He violated you and should not have any access to you ever again.
If he continues not to leave you alone, get a lawyer and have the lawyer draft a letter advising him that you will “take steps to assure (your) peace of mind“ if he does not leave you alone he’s 44. He’s old enough to know about consequences.
You were raped. File a report. have him arrested and charged. YOU WERE RAPED. "he wished i had said something in the moment" YEAH SHE YELPED AND TRIED TO LEAP AWAY, THAT'S A NO BRUV
Id like to tell you that freezing up, shutting down or zoning out are all very normal responses and not a choice you consciously make. Your brain is in survival mode and is running purely on instinct. It’s not something that follows logical reasoning and it doesn’t make you weak or dumb or a pushover or somehow at fault for what happened.
He decided to harm you for his own pleasure despite
1. A verbal explanation that it is not something you want to do without warning or preparation.
2. Him agreeing with this
3. Your visible discomfort
4. Physically trying to get away from him
5. You becoming unresponsive
You say you didn’t speak up but you did so at least 4 separate times. He knew he just didn’t care because he’s a rapist. This is only his fault
Unfortunately as someone who also have ptsd and past SA experiences… every time I tried to open up about it with new partners they also SA me…
I know it doesn’t happen with every person but for someone reason when you tell a man bad things you’ve been through, they like to test you.
You don’t owe anyone (relationship or not) your story and history. I am currently learning this. It’s okay to keep things private.
Can we universally agree to out these pigs details so other women can know to stay the fuck away from them and avoid being raped themselves.
They don't even deserve an ounce of confidentiality
What's another major red flag that even in his apology he's still trying to justify himself and put the blame on you. Classic narcissist behaviour. Block him
You absolutely let him know—even though he never fucking asked. He raped you despite everything he knew about what you’ve been through. He is abusive and a fucking liar. He knew damn well not to do that to you; he did it anyway; he knew you tried to get him away from you; and he noticed your shutdown and KEPT GOING. Would your daughter be at fault for being unable to protest more? NO. And neither are you.
>Him and I had a conversation about anal sex, he said he had never done it before, but it was something he is interested in. I said it was something that I sometimes enjoyed in my past but it requires communication, prep work, and the right mood. I distinctly remember saying that it’s not something that can just happen out of no where. He completely agreed, and I felt heard and understood.
>We’ve had sex three times now, and the third time it started out as consensual, vaginal sex and then he put it in my ass with zero warning (this was days after our conversation about anal sex). I initially yelped, and jerked my body forward to get him out of me, and I was so shocked and was trying so hard to not cry. He kept trying to jam it back in, telling me to just relax
He knew.
You told him you didn't want him to "spring it on you", specifically saying "it’s not something that can just happen out of no where." He "put it in (your) ass with zero warning" You "yelped, and jerked (your) body forward to get him out".
He knew.
OP I’m 24 and I’ve been through the same thing. This is rape and I’m so sorry he did that to you :(
Happy you blocked him and he’s out of your life! Also I know I’m a stranger and a bit younger than you, but happy to talk to you privately if you want someone to talk to 💕
This was sexual abuse or assault. I'm not sure what the legal definition would be, but it violated the trust that two people should have and was abusive. You need to break up with this guy. Do not have a discussion. He knows what he did. Just tell him it's over then ghost him forever.
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Dump him immediately. I can't emphasize enough how awful it is, what he did.
This. He RAPED you OP. He anally raped you. There is no other way to state it. There was no warm up. There was no consent. There was not even care about your comfort.
All of this AND the fact that he told you to relax in the moment - absolutely indicating that he knew you were shut down and he persisted? Predatory.
And he even asked her why she wasn’t making any noise. Glad to see OPs update.
Did he notice nothing even after he was done, or did he put his pants on and go home thinking everything was fine? What a complete jerk
Seriously. He knew she has PTSD and that she was not comfortable or responding. Guess what… that means all sexual contact STOPS! He needed to ask her if she was ok and communicate with her. If she couldn’t communicate in that moment then he needed to just be there and support her. I will say doesn’t matter what they were doing, though he should have never tried to stick it in if he didn’t ask and she didn’t consent. Rapists often say “just relax, so I can do it and it’ll be over.”
He knew about the PTSD and took advantage of it actually.
Yeah, that's exactly what my rapist said
Same.. relax.. just take it. Shhhh. Its ok. I can still hear him saying it. To this day those words are an instant turn off. Hugs!!!
😭🥺
Oof, big same. Also, "I like you like this" (terrified and fighting). Big supportive consensual hugs to OP and everyone in this thread who has been through this.
For me it was, "relax, you know you want this." So reading this gave me a visceral reaction.
This, this, this.... I wish you all the best.... universal hug!
My rapist said the same. I also was so scared I just shut down and didn't say anything. I'm so glad you dumped him!!!! Once a predator always a predator.
Mine too.
I want to punch the guy.
We need to form a line honestly, I also want to deck this guy
I’m in!
And he agreed that prep and consent mattered beforehand! I can’t fucking stand men like him.
Me too! I would get up tell him to GTFO my house, I don’t take disrespect/abuse.
I think I’d have a hard time not fighting him truly. The more I love myself the less stuff I put up with. And that would trigger my fight response for sure. I can feel it in my body just reading her experience. To the OP I’m so sorry this happens to you. This is so traumatic. And it was so wrong of him to do. Please talk to someone you trust about this experience. You don’t need to hold onto any emotions you have surrounding it and your feelings are valid.
Not just her comfort, her health. Anal sex is dangerous without proper preparation.
I've heard you could also get STIs when going from vaginal to anal and vice versa without properly cleaning or changing condoms? I really don't know how much truth there is to it as I have done neither but I'd still feel so uncomfortable with a partner who didn't consider any of these things
It's not just increased risk of STIs, it's increased risk of infection in general, because you're introducing trace fecal matter into the vagina.
It’s okay to go from vag to anal, assuming the woman doesn’t have a STI. You should NEVER go from anal back to vag without washing. Some people are okay with just changing the condom, but that really isn’t okay because fecal matter can have rubbed on the bodies.
Yes, anal sex has increased risk of tearing (even micro tears) because of course we don't have natural lubrication. That is why generous amounts of lube are necessary to ensure that this activity is pleasurable rather than painful. Never use a numbing lube with anal sex! It is important that you are aware if anything feels painful or uncomfortable. Definitely do not switch from unprotected vaginal intercourse to unprotected anal intercourse, that's a good way to get a serious UTI. Always be aware for your partner's STI status before having any kind of unprotected sex
I hope OP communicates to him that he raped her.
Definitely dump him. If you feel comfortable also report him. At the basic knowledge level no one goes cold turkey on anal, he had both prior conversation to reinforce that and should have the life experience to have more than basic knowledge (even if not having done anal). Then there is the the fricken SEXUAL ASSULT component of which he definitely knows. But OP, don't let this define you. You got yourself out of an abusive relationship and you put yourself out there again. Maybe this hurdle knocked you but you'll get back up and carry on. You've already proven you have the strength!
Also you DID say something. You yelped and pulled back. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but it's not your fault.
He showed you who he is…believe him.
This right here. And I'm so sorry
Her was completely wrong and he knows it. He is fully aware that he would not be cool with anyone putting a dick in his ass without checking in first. He knew it wouldn't be ok with you, but he did it anyway. If you bring it up he'll say "well you didn't say anything" but the onus was on him to get consent, and *he knows that*.
You were right. That’s exactly what he said….”you didn’t say anything, I didn’t know you didn’t want it”
I pray you come back with an update to tell us you dumped his ass. You didn't deserve this, and HE is the one who didn't say anything.
I ended it tonight. He’s begging and pleading but I’m not going to give in. Trust is gone completely.
Good for you, you deserve so much more.
I couldn't agree more! You clearly communicated that preparation and mood were critical, he pretended he understood, then he anally raped you! 🤮 OP, I'm proud of you for ending it and ghosting your rapist! As a man, I wholeheartedly support you!!
Tell him you’re still deciding on pressing SA charges. He would be best to never contact you again.
He was begging and pleading?! wtaf? He's a rapist. What he wants another chance to sexually assualt you again? Seriously? Vile. Nothing in your description of this horrible encounter tells me that he wasn't fully aware even days beforehand with the facts that you absolutely didn't want this and he tried this without consent, you absolutely tried to stop him, nothing in your manner or bodily reaction could be mistaken for consent. He KNEW what he was doing and he has the gall to be begging and pleading. Did you meet him on a dating site? Other women should be warned?
She fucking yelped when he put it in. And he continued. He didn’t have consent to begin with, then persisted when she yelled out in pain. What a piece of garbage.
Them he tried putting the blame on op because she didn't react like the girls in the porn he watches. It's creeps like this that forget that porn is FICTION. Even the (rational) people who are into noncon porn and such are very, very clear that it is fiction and not to be reenacted in reality because rape is not sexy. This guy doesn't deserve to be near other people if he can't understand that.
For real, if you can report him to the site, OP, you should. Also, if you have a local girls only group, people should know that he did this. Consequences.
Good for you. Honestly he got away lightly, considering you should've reported him. Completely disgusting of a human being and very cruel to knowingly do this to someone who has already gone through PTSD from her last relationship
Block him. He’s going to try and use your vulnerability and his crocodile tears to try and convince you otherwise .. You jerking away from him was very clear , there is no way he didn’t know.. Stay strong and true to yourself. You got this
Send him one last message reminding him he raped you after you literally tried to get him off you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. When I met my bf he asked if I’d tried anal and I told him “not intentionally” lol. My ex was an abusive POS but I don’t think he did it on purpose, but he “missed” and it really hurt. I cried. When I first had anal with my boyfriend he was very gentle, slow, asked me if I was okay and asked my permission to keep going. That’s what stuck out to me in your post. At first I thought maybe the guys just inexperienced. All he’s seen is porn and the girls are just ready to go, he doesn’t understand the necessary build up. But you tried to jerk away, which should have been a clue he was doing something wrong and instead of checking you were ok he carried on. You deserve so much better and you will find it. Stay strong xx
He does understand, they discussed it a few days previously. He agrreed that he understood what she was saying.
Nobody 'slips' into your arse. Nobody 'misses' the big wet yielding designed-for-entry vagina and accidentally ends up in your small tight dry designed to stay tightly closed except for occasional exit arse. Similarly no-one accidentally 'slips' into your vagina without a condom because they were just rolling over you to get to the other side of the bed at the time. These things are not oopsies. They are rape. Edit: I'm so sorry you had this experience.
Prepare for love bombing… and block his number. You don’t need it to file a police report, btw.
He’s just trying to abuse you further. Good that you cut it off. Him saying that he feels bad now is just language from an abuser who wants you to feel sorry for him because he abused you. How sick and twisted. People like that just look for new ways to abuse you. Good riddance.
Yes this is the stuff! I’m so proud of you! Amazing work advocating for yourself!
He did know. I promise you. He knew. You not wanting it was the point.
silence is not consent. if he acknowledges what he did in any of those text messages you should take them to the police. i doubt the police will actually do anything tbh but it will help the next woman he does this to, because there's always a next one.
Wait so he did it saw that you were trying to get away and his answer was “you didn’t say anything”??? This guys a predator for sure
Classic abuser response (sorry I feel like I'm responding a lot, it's just I went through the exact same scenario). The abuser, the rapist, puts the blame on the victim. Then when you rightly end the relationship, the abuser turns to begging, pleading, apologizing. They will become the perfect, attentive boyfriend....until the next time.
Did you also explicitly specify that you didn’t want your nipples twisted? Or is he smart enough to realize not to do that without asking?
The fact that he could tell you were uncomfortable and he just said to “relax”… he is a disgusting human being and you need to leave immediately. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP that’s truly heartbreaking. This is not your fault at all it’s solely on him.
It's rape. This is rape. She dissociated during the rape. Let's call it what it is.
100% it was rape, there are no other words for it.
Thank you. Not enough people are calling it what it is.
Exactly. Let's be very clear, this was rape. OP, I know this might be a heavy thing to realize (it was for me when it happened to me) but you were anally raped. This was a horrendous and painful thing that happened to you. He was well aware of what he was doing, his intention was to inflict pain upon you, humiliate you, and manipulate you.
Commenting on The guy (44M) that I (38F) am seeing did anal sex without my consent. What would you do?...he needs to go to jail for it
Exactly this. Dissociating during rape does not make you culpable. He is a horrible human being.
She yelped and pulled away. That's a pretty obvious stop indicator. He was a predator to start with. He heard "was in an abusive relationship and has PTSD" and saw you as someone easy to victimize.
Yes. There’s a reason why rape and abuse victims are often victimized more than once. Some of it may be due to abuse victims overlooking red flags that people who aren’t abuse victims may not overlook but it also is because predators seek out vulnerable people with past abuse because they know they can victimize them again.
Exactly.
Truly. I wanted to vomit hearing him telling her relax jfc :(
1. You did speak up. You told him ahead of time, before it even happened. He knew, and didn't care. 2. That's called rape. He's a rapist.
All of this! I hope OP sees
❤️
Please seek all the support you can OP you have been violated in a way no one should ever have to suffer
He didn’t care about your wishes; to do this knowing what you have been through was callous and cruel. He is testing your boundaries, hoping he can make you fold like you did in previous relationships. He is wrong and will only get worse, speaking from experience. I would chew him a new asshole and block him. Not sure how productive charges would be-most cops give zero shits about rape, in my experience.
All of this.
He raped you. You freezed, common survival reflex. If you don’t report him so please dump him and leave. You deserve so much better!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible human he is. Tell him how despicable he is and block him for good. Please get some therapy, it’s obvious to me you have some trauma to work through and it can definitely make you more susceptible to further abuse. Don’t beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong.
Dump him immediately. Don’t blame yourself for not speaking up. A lot of women freeze. I consider this rape since you stated clearly that it requires communication and prep. He agreed! It’s up to you if you want to press charges.
Totally agree, but I just wanna say there is no such thing as a civilian choosing to press charges. Even with evidence, most rapists don't even get charged, let alone convicted. Having been in the exact same situation as this woman, except the guy was a family friend, there is virtually nothing besides he said she said. And I think that 99% of the time, it further traumatizes and retraumatizes the survivor to go down that road. Totally up to her if she wants to go to the authorities, but she should know what she's getting into first.
Whether she pursues this criminally is entirely up to her, of course. Some women actually need to feel they at least tried to get justice. Everyone copes differently. Even a police report with no further action can empower her, knowing that there is something on record to help another case if he offends again or has in the past.
This! I reported the guy that tried to rape me, nobody believed me, but I am glad I reported because there is now a record out there, he was interviewed by police, and I believe he will now think twice before doing it to another person. To me, it was worth reporting just for that.
And if he strikes again, your report will come up and help convict him. You did a great thing, I applaud your strength.
Thank you for saying that! Honestly, the police and everyone else made me feel I was wasting their time.
It is so hard to report. I didn't because I was 14. I had been a run away. I felt I deserved it. It took many years for me to tell anyone. It came back to haunt me after a pelvic surgery. I woke from anesthesia with similar pain in the same area and panicked. My nurse asked me later quietly if I'd been SA'd. I just nodded. To this day, all I could manage was admitting to my hubby that it happened, and my mom now knows. What gets me is that so many people get assaulted and seek no help. I just wish others to get the help I didn't ask for.
Definitely agree with you that reporting is what's best for some women. I just think it's just important to be mentally prepared before deciding to do that when so many comments on these types of posts say "press charges against him" as if it's that easy and simple.
OP, he anally raped you. Shutting down is a limbic response to trauma, it's not even close to giving your consent. I'm so sorry this man hurt you the way he did. You'd already told him you had done it before, but it takes communication and prep work. All he heard was that yes, you had done it before - and he wanted to even up the scoreboard. He simply took what he wanted, the way he's probably seen it done in porn, with zero regard for your feelings - physical or emotional. If this had happened to me, there's no way I could ever feel comfortable getting naked with him again - in fact, I would end things over text, so I didn't have to ever see him again. I don't know that it would help to press charges against him, since it would be his word against yours. But that is certainly an option, if you think it would help you feel better about what happened.
Every time I hear a guy say a girl was bad in bed because she just laid there.....ick
Yes! Like, why did you continue fucking her then? How can they claim not to realize something more than “she sucks in bed” was the issue?!
I've had one partner also "just lie there" during sex (note: I'm cis fem, he was cis male). I couldn't have sex with him. He assured me he was indeed enjoying himself and that's just how he responded to sex but I just couldn't continue touching him when he lay still and silent like he was disassociating, it felt like I was violating him. I *cannot* imagine just continuing if your partner does that, it's so *deeply* unnerving.
Exactly. Extremely Sus
You don’t just put your dick in someone’s ass without warning them… that insane, basically rape. Tell him that and then never contact him again.
Agreed, this is rape. It's not ok, and there is zero chance he doesn't know that. I don't believe someone can get to that age and not know that you don't just jam your dick in someone's ass without consent, and prep (lube at the minimum!) etc.
This is why that “wrong hole” golf apparel company is so fucking gross to me. Like yeah, sexual assault is such a hilarious joke!! So funny!! Let’s go crack some beers with the boys!
I checked out their site. That is so crazy. Do they really think their "wink wink" is cute? Also, why is the 3rd hole blacked out in their logo? It that suppose to be "funny" too?
There is no way in the universe that this is your fault. In any way. I hope I said that clearly. It is 100% his fault and the fact that you discussed it and he disregarded what you said completely makes it even worse. Have you talked to him about this? I will bet large sums of money that he will refuse to take responsibility and will gaslight you about it. TL;DR - Dump him
I just brought it up tonight. I ended it, and asked him to just respect that, but he’s been blowing up my phone. He claims to feel like a horrible person, and said I should have said something.
But you did say something - upfront where he can't say he missed it. He just chose to ignore it. And "you should have said something" is code for "it's your fault". Yuck
He *should* feel like a horrible person. He *is* a horrible person. 🤬🤬🤬🤬
If he truly felt horrible he’d leave her alone. He’s essentially asking her for comfort for his feelings after raping her.
Tell him you'd be well within your rights to report him for rape and that's exactly what you'll do if he doesn't leave you alone.
You did say something. AND you yelped and pulled away. He's a liar and a manipulative rapist. You had the conversation and he claaimed he understood.
I’ve never had sex and someone randomly shoved it up my ass. He is a horrible person so he should feel horrible. It’s not your fault you froze and shut down.
This guys is like "I know I raped you but you hate me now so I'm the true victim here". I am so glad that you dumped him and are not responding. I know you said you're in therapy but if you need more resources please check out [RAINN.org](https://www.rainn.org/). They have a wealth of information and avenues for more help if you need it.
Thank you ❤️
He IS a horrible person. He is a rapist. He should have said something before he stuck his penis into another human being's asshole. Animal. OP, you should report him to police but if you decide not to, just block him, but message him before you do just to tell him very clearly that he is a rapist.
This is his attempt to continue to take from you. Tell him he should feel bad for being a rapist and to not ever contact you again for any reason. Don't respond to him again after that at all no matter what he says to you. If you choose not to file a report for rape, then at least seek a restraining order if he continues to harass you. Save all texts. Do not engage with him again for any reason because that's what he's looking for whether it's good or bad attention. You won't convince him he's a rapist because these types of men justify their actions in their heads however they need to not to take accountability for being pieces of shit.
No one who cares about remotely would ever do something sexual without your consent especially if you already expressed your stance on it. It is not worth salvaging or speaking to him again in my opinion he doesn't care about you at all.
I had this same exact thing happen to me when i was younger. You were raped. I would take time to process and seek therapy and definitely keep no contact. He doesnt respect you. I ended up just ghosting my attacker which made him mad. I also shut down and didnt process what happened to me for years.
Also no issue if you didnt speak up, I didnt until I was confronted then promptly blocked. I wish I reported, but I at least got to confront over text and make peace with myself that way
So he knows you were abused in the past. He also knows that you didn't want surprise anal but to talk about it first and he did surprise anal anyways. He noticed you were tense during surprise anal and told you to "relax" instead of stopping to see how you were doing. Three major red flags that he doesn't respect your boundaries.
Rapists tend not to
It’s rape. Full stop. You didn’t do anything wrong and he knew what he did. Break up with him immediately from a distance through a text. He’s dangerous.
Not only did he disregard what you told him and he seemingly agreed about it, but when he actually did it , that was a surprise to you and then still didn't read your body language that he shouldn't be doing that, he doubled down and just told you to try to calm down and accept it. Nope.... That's not what you talked about and that's not how it was supposed to go down. This is not a guy who needs to be around you any more.
And I think he lied to you. I do not believe he had not engaged in this activity prior to you.
100%. A man that never had anal sex before does not just suddenly stick his penis in like that. He must have done it many times before.
Yep, the fact he didn't question if he had messed up when she yelped but grabbed massage oil to try relax her instead ... he isn't a rookie. I think he was just trying to guilt her in first place to let him do it by suggesting he's never done it before. I wouldn't be surprised if he uses the excuse, but she admits she's enjoyed an@l in the past.
You did speak up - you clearly had already previously communicated that it was a sometimes thing with preparation. And you tensed up and frozen - which is also communication- which he clearly also understood because he verbally responded to it. This is sexual assault. Please care for yourself and leave him. You did nothing to deserve this. You did nothing wrong. He is 100% in the wrong. Men know that this is not ok - he knows - he just didn’t care about hurting you and violating you
This is the R word. I freeze as well. I had to learn the heard way that you don't give a person that does this another chance. This happened to me with 3 different men. After therapy I can spot a boundary pusher and have not had it happen since. If a man does anything I asked him not to do just to be an ass or as a joke or for any reason pushes against my boundaries I absolutely do not Explain them. I immediately leave because it's not safe for me. I'm better able to say no now and it's good for my current relationship.
In short a person who would do this is not safe to ever be alone with.
'If a man does anything I asked him not to do just to be an ass or as a joke or for any reason pushes against my boundaries, I absolutely do not explain them. I immediately leave because it's not safe for me' - THIS, so much this. If I say I don't want to go to Starbucks and my date is insisting to go to Starbucks, I am out of there. The people that don't respect 'no' in non-sexual situations are the ones that end up assaulting others.
He’s sexually abusive . Dump him NOW. Dont even feel bad about his feelings either for one second. You know in your heart that he’s wrong. He knows he’s wrong too and dosent care. LEAVE. NOW
He’s 44 and just raped you. He probably isn’t a brain surgeon but he is also not brain dead. He has determined that you are a possession that he now owns and can do what he wants with. You need to get out now before he hurts you again. You need to get OUT
Shove a broom up his ass and tell him to “relax”
"Performing a sex act you did not consent to" is rape. You clearly know this, so why is there any question about what you need to do? Ditch the loser.
What would I do? I’d immediately go to the hospital and file a police report.
Dump him. He violated you. There is no turning this around.
OP, pls believe all the people telling you this is rape, because it is. Not only is it assault, but it is quite dangerous. This can cause a bowel rupture, which is EXTREMELY painful, but also women have become permanently disabled from anal rape. I’m talking about a colonoscopy bag forever. Get AWAY from this man.
This was rape. I would end the relationship immediately and would never see this person again.
This is rape. He was aware of your stance and just didn’t respect your terms. He raped you.
He sexually assaulted you. I hope you end it
This is rape, you need to leave this guy
Report him for rape. That's what he did.
Predators will seek out DV victims to abuse them more. You need to put dating on hold & heal more, do group therapy and or therapy in general. Lot of men are predators. Contact a rape crisis center to help you process all of this.
That’s rape, no you’re not at fault for being in shock, you set clear boundaries and he chose not to respect them.
This is rape. Please, please cut contact with this monster and seek help from therapy. Don't let him near you ever again. This guy is a monster.
Get the fuck out of that “relarionship”
What would you tell a friend to do if she told you someone she is dating anally raped her?
He knows what he did was wrong and he was banking on the chance that you would just stay quiet and let him do it. Absolutely disgusting behavior. I would personally tear him a new one and make sure that people knew what kind of scumbag he is.
You were raped. If you can call the cops and press charges it could help. If you don’t want to go that route, dump him and get therapy.(which you should do on top of reporting this.)
Textbook rape. I’m so sorry.
he raped you. he knew he was raping you. i’m so sorry. please dont stay with this man. you’re still young and you’ll find someone else
The guy straight up sexually assaulted you. He knew he was doing something you hadn’t consented to and he failed to stop when he saw how uncomfortable you were doing it. Dump his ass now.
You were raped, and he knew enough to tell you to relax while he raped you
Please don’t blame yourself for your own sexual assault. He CHOSE to do this to you. He showed you what kind of person he really is and will continue to be if you stay with him. I’m truly sorry that he chose to re-traumatize you for his own pleasure. He’s a real pos and I have a feeling you aren’t the first woman he has done this to unfortunately.
This is rape.
Not that another voice is needed but, I’m a man, and you were raped.
So he raped you
This was rape.
You dump that scumbag immediately!!!
What he did is truly awful. He sexually assaulted you, he doesn’t deserve another chance. You did nothing wrong here- don’t let him make you doubt yourself.
Did I just read a post about woman being raped ? Please dump him
I wish every man who ever pressures or forces his partner to submit to anal sex experiences forceful anal penetration himself, by someone bigger and stronger than him.
You didn’t have to speak up. You were crystal clear it would require prior consent, prep and planning. He ignored that and ignored your obvious physical “no’s”.
You yelped and tried to get away. That was his cue to STOP and check in on his partner. He failed.
I'm so sorry, he raped you. Take care of yourself. It wasn't your fault.
Don’t ever contact me again after that shit you pulled the other night. We discussed that anal sex involves consent and prep and then you took it upon yourself to rape me. Copy and paste that to him and block immediately! He is
Came after the update You did speak up, you yelped in surprise and pain. That to me would be an immediate no. He then continued without your consent. There's a really simple word for that. He's lucky you're not reporting him for Buggery. Leave him, don't answer his calls, don't respond to his texts. If anyone asks why the relationship failed, you can be brutally honest. That guy raped you. If he keeps on harassing you, don't forget harassment is also a crime.
*he didn’t know I wouldn’t want it, and that he feels like a horrible person* Lying liar who lies. You told him only days before under what conditions you’d consider it. He ignored that. You yelped and pushed him away. He told you to relax, so clearly he knew you weren’t into it. He **is** a horrible person. Good for you for ending it. He’s and asshole who forced you to have anal sex: that’s a rapist.
Unless you say, “put it in my ass,” it’s not ok to put it in your ass.
He sexually assaulted you.
Don’t pick up the phone and ever talk to him because he will manipulate you and tell you it was your fault you didn’t speak up and that you’re in the wrong for making him feel bad. You just happened upon a bad person, it’s not how you deserve to be treated he just sucks.
"The guy that I am seeing raped me." Fixed it for you. Now block him and never look back.
you file a police report.
[удалено]
I’m so sorry you went through that 🥺. You didn’t deserve any of it, and it’s not your fault
This is actually rape and this man belongs in prison this isn’t the first time he’s done it
Some people may say you should have spoken up but I understand that for women, even if you spoke up, it might not have done anything or worsen the abuse. You were raped. All Non-Consensual sexual acts are rape even if it started out as consensual. I think you should stop dating and see a therapist.
That's called rape. He did not have your consent. You need to end it IMMEDIATELY! Please, for your own safety. End it and block him everywhere. He is no better than your ex. Seriously, please end it.
This is an issue of break up with this rapey asshole.
In my book that is rape. To begin with, you do not ever need to see him again. I do not believe he never did it before (at his age?)---I think it's part of how he plays it. I think he enjoyed knowing you were not prepared.
No, he was 100% in the wrong and I would not have sex with him again. You did nothing wrong. He has shown himself to be a boundary pusher and possibly got off on putting you in a situation you did not enjoy. Do not waste your energy beating yourself up over how you acted in the moment. It is a perfectly normal trauma response and you act like that out of self-preservation. This was not your fault. You made your point perfectly clear and he chose to ignore it.
Girl you need to DUMP him. He’s a grown ass man, he knows what consent is. He raped you.
I’m surprised you could stand it. Didn’t that hurt? I’d have started thrashing around and screaming get off me! And I’d have kicked his ass out. Jesus time to dump this freak.
It’s hard to say something while you’re actively being raped. Tell him he needs to understand that it was rape and he is to have no contact with you any further. I’m so sorry you went through that. ((Hugs)) Please make sure you speak to your therapist about this situation.
Run? How is this when a question?
He should feel like a horrible person, he's a rapist. Please do not blame yourself for your survival instincts kicking in and making you freeze. He's a disgusting p.o.s., I would block him on everything. You deserve someone caring and thoughtful. Stay strong OP.
"he feels like a horrible person" Well, that's only right, he is - a horrible, horrible rapist.
Well done OP. Be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong. I would block him now. You don’t need to hear his gas lighting garbage. He knows what he did
Nope, he overstepped your boundaries. Not an inch, but more like a couple of miles. In your shoes I wouldn't give him a second chance. If he oversteps again, no more chances. He violated your consent, so at the first sign of trouble, out he goes.
I found out my ex (m44, London) did something similar to a woman in a threesome with his ex (two relationships prior to me). It took her a while to call him out on it (via text). She had not consented. He feigned shock and ignorance that it hadn’t been ok. I found this out from his former best friend who had ended the friendship over losing patience with ‘the way he treats women’. He had, coincidentally, met this same woman through an app and it transpired they both knew my ex and she told him the story and shared their texts. What happened to you ISN’T ok. We all react in different ways and you were in a vulnerable position to resist. You hadn’t given consent, he hadn’t asked before, and your moving away clearly shows he at least needed to say sorry for the surprise and ask explicitly, not tell you to relax. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I myself was given HSV2 (genital herpes) by my ex. He lied about his sexual health status. When I got symptoms he was very calm and understanding - I felt awful, and I was blamed for being the carrier. It only transpired after I contacted his ex that he had known all along he had it and was infected at least six months prior to meeting me. This also brings up ‘consent’ issues. I’ve had lengthy discussions with the police about prosecuting, if you are also considering whether you take further action, please feel free to DM me and I’ll share what I’ve found out (if you’re also in the UK) about the process.
What a turd.
Just stay away from him , he will hurt you again.
Immediate knee up and in the balls, “oh, just relax.” 😒 The pain is equivalent. I hope you heal OP. He violated you and should not have any access to you ever again.
If he continues not to leave you alone, get a lawyer and have the lawyer draft a letter advising him that you will “take steps to assure (your) peace of mind“ if he does not leave you alone he’s 44. He’s old enough to know about consequences.
You were raped. File a report. have him arrested and charged. YOU WERE RAPED. "he wished i had said something in the moment" YEAH SHE YELPED AND TRIED TO LEAP AWAY, THAT'S A NO BRUV
Id like to tell you that freezing up, shutting down or zoning out are all very normal responses and not a choice you consciously make. Your brain is in survival mode and is running purely on instinct. It’s not something that follows logical reasoning and it doesn’t make you weak or dumb or a pushover or somehow at fault for what happened. He decided to harm you for his own pleasure despite 1. A verbal explanation that it is not something you want to do without warning or preparation. 2. Him agreeing with this 3. Your visible discomfort 4. Physically trying to get away from him 5. You becoming unresponsive You say you didn’t speak up but you did so at least 4 separate times. He knew he just didn’t care because he’s a rapist. This is only his fault
You were raped op please never see this pos again.
Unfortunately as someone who also have ptsd and past SA experiences… every time I tried to open up about it with new partners they also SA me… I know it doesn’t happen with every person but for someone reason when you tell a man bad things you’ve been through, they like to test you. You don’t owe anyone (relationship or not) your story and history. I am currently learning this. It’s okay to keep things private.
Can we universally agree to out these pigs details so other women can know to stay the fuck away from them and avoid being raped themselves. They don't even deserve an ounce of confidentiality
What's another major red flag that even in his apology he's still trying to justify himself and put the blame on you. Classic narcissist behaviour. Block him
You absolutely let him know—even though he never fucking asked. He raped you despite everything he knew about what you’ve been through. He is abusive and a fucking liar. He knew damn well not to do that to you; he did it anyway; he knew you tried to get him away from you; and he noticed your shutdown and KEPT GOING. Would your daughter be at fault for being unable to protest more? NO. And neither are you.
>Him and I had a conversation about anal sex, he said he had never done it before, but it was something he is interested in. I said it was something that I sometimes enjoyed in my past but it requires communication, prep work, and the right mood. I distinctly remember saying that it’s not something that can just happen out of no where. He completely agreed, and I felt heard and understood. >We’ve had sex three times now, and the third time it started out as consensual, vaginal sex and then he put it in my ass with zero warning (this was days after our conversation about anal sex). I initially yelped, and jerked my body forward to get him out of me, and I was so shocked and was trying so hard to not cry. He kept trying to jam it back in, telling me to just relax He knew. You told him you didn't want him to "spring it on you", specifically saying "it’s not something that can just happen out of no where." He "put it in (your) ass with zero warning" You "yelped, and jerked (your) body forward to get him out". He knew.
Report him. This happened to me but I got graped and now he’s in jail and I found out that day he was a serial rapist
This is rape disguised as a miscommunication.
That's rape.
OP I’m 24 and I’ve been through the same thing. This is rape and I’m so sorry he did that to you :( Happy you blocked him and he’s out of your life! Also I know I’m a stranger and a bit younger than you, but happy to talk to you privately if you want someone to talk to 💕
This was sexual abuse or assault. I'm not sure what the legal definition would be, but it violated the trust that two people should have and was abusive. You need to break up with this guy. Do not have a discussion. He knows what he did. Just tell him it's over then ghost him forever.
Hope you have realised the gravity of how his behaviour was abusive towards you and have left him already