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It’s so interesting that everyone is referring to an annulment. Depending upon OP’s location and personal finances, she might end up financially better off with a divorce.
Plus, there are strict criteria for annulments. Was she underaged, coerced, didn't consummate, mental incapacity, etc? Doubtful any of this applies. Some people tend to think annulments are like the morning after pill.
One of the criteria for getting an annulment is concealment. He concealed pertinent information in regards to their marriage by not telling her from the get-go that he wanted an open marriage. That alone is grounds for annulment.
Really? In Ireland this is not the case. Had friend who’s wife cheated on him on their honeymoon and he could not get an annulment. Now not sure if it is different in other countries.
Thats wild! I'm in the US here annulments are almost free candy so long as you do it in less than 6 months and a few conditions are met.
Edit: I guess it depends on what state you live in, every state is different
Not in my state. They are pretty uncommon here. Annulments need specific grounds to be allowed, which include bigamy, incest, fraud, duress, impotence, being underage, or mental incapacity. Fraud is a tough one to prove in my state because the fraud needs to go to the heart of the marriage. Some examples are someone claiming to be marrying you for love, but really marrying you just for immigration reasons, or claiming to be planning on starting a family with you when they already had a vasectomy and have no plans to actually have kids.
Yeah that makes sense, I guess Every state is different! This is definitely a fraudulent one! My cousin got hers annuled because her husband married her for a house on military base.
Yes! In Michigan you have to prove one party was coerced into marrying the other. My sister went to court and explained to the judge that she forced her never-husband to marry her or be homeless in order to get an annulment. She did get it, though. Her not-marriage also only lasted two weeks. He was off with another woman immediately after getting back from the honeymoon. Not as manipulative as OP’s, but not worth calling an ex husband.
Where I live you can get an annulment after any length of time if you have evidence that the marriage was entered into fraudulently. Like if one party was already married or something like that.
Message to the OP here. Just Divorce him. He deceived you. You want a monogamous relationship and he wants a hedonistic lifestyle with many sexual partners. He pretended to be traditionally monogamous to fool you into marriage. Leave him. He never was your friend. Just a conniving bastard manipulating you.
Right. Because even if he said, “Okay, never mind; forget what I said” you could never ever forget it. Especially coupled with his suspicious behavior. I don’t understand how anyone could justify hiding their phone from their partner. What valid reason could you have?
Of course, she probably never realized this until NOW. 🤦🏻♀️
He's probably hidden it all and now they're hitched he decided it was safe to let his mask drop.
Either cheating or he’s just an idiot. What person that doesn’t already believe in plural relationships proposes to complicate a relationship during the honeymoon stage…only answer is someone insane or cheating already.
Yeah, I'm all for non-monogamy but this guy is going about it in the second-worst-way possible. The only worse way would be showing up at the house with a prospective third or couple and springing it on her in front of them.
If you want an open relationship, date someone else who wants an open relationship. Don't date someone who has repeatedly made it clear they don't want an open relationship, marry them, and then bring up the idea.
But I bet he's a "really nice guy". This stinks of a "friend" playing along and helping you out just to get you to himself. Now he has you he realises that it's not what he wants. The pretend guy/friend persona, that he's made up, now is too stifling and it's your fault.
Sorry OP men/boys suck. Get out if you can.
That’s called a bait and switch. Literally less than a week???? He’s also stupid and tactless. Having an open marriage is one thing but it’s not something one does after standing at the alter announcing one’s vows.
You still have time to annul. Research annulment in your state and make that decision thoughtfully. For me he broke a sacred bond. How are you supposed to trust him ever. “When people show you who they are, remember them the first time”. This is not to say that you knew but it is to say that it’s time you did something about it because if you say no to an open marriage it’s somewhat likely he will sleep around and put you in danger of contracting an STD.
Men often see it as normal for themselves and other men because they want to keep that connection going in case they have the opportunity to sleep with them again. They swear up and down it’s about friendship but really they’re just trying to keep their foot in the door. That’s why they often turn around and immediately shut down the idea of their partners remaining friends with their exes because if they stayed friends with their exes sex is rarely far from their minds.
It’s not. I had a girlfriend who traveled a lot for work. I happened to be in SF and decided to surprise her. She was in her room with the host of the restaurant downstairs. “oh we are just friends”.
Byeeeeeee
No, he's the opposite of tactless. He INTENTIONALLY waited until they were married, so it's harder for her to leave him when he brings this up. He's manipulative, not stupid.
Yeah. The timing is intentional, so I assume her background of trauma is also intentional.
“What’re you gonna do? Say no and leave me, and then spend your life alone because you’ll never be able to trust again?”
Here is what this sounds like to me (a random guy on Reddit who doesn’t know either of you):
Most of the time when one partner spontaneously asks for an open relationship out of the blue it means that they have someone in mind that they want to sleep with. They do this to justify it, because they don’t want to cheat.
It sounds to me like this guy locked you down because he wants a wife and a side piece. The fact that he waited until after you all were married so it would be more difficult to leave him is terrible. It seems like he could have brought this up before.
The whole hiding the phone thing feeds into this theory.
Have a brutally honest conversation and know what your red line is. Ask him if he has someone in mind that he wants to sleep with. Ask him why he is so secretive with his phone. Be direct and point blank. Mentally prepare to hear the worst case scenario. Mentally prepare to leave the marriage.
Honestly, I know a 2 week marriage may seem like a failure, however the longer you drag it out the harder it will become to leave. If you wait 2 years then you all might buy a house together, co sign on a car, have a kid, joint bank account etc… The longer you stay married the more ties and anchors you have with a person. If you don’t trust him then get out now. You may even be able to get an annulment depending on the state.
I couldn't agree more. Just get out.
My ex-husband did some bait 'n' switch stuff to me and even my very Catholic dad (Eucharistic minister!) let me know only a few weeks into that marriage that if I wanted out, he wouldn't fault me. I wish he had been a bit more direct about it so I wouldn't have questioned myself so much...but I got out of there in 1.5 years.
Just get out. It won't get better. The guy now figures you're trapped so he can do whatever he wants with little consequence. UGH.
Yes. This marriage is already a failure because your new husband is not in it for the reasons you thought he was. He is already trying to get you to accept a loophole clause out of his vows. The longer you stay married to this fraud, the bigger a failure it will be.
I’m just going to say this, your husband is a jerk! Trust your instincts, you’ve been cheated on so you should know the signs. Normally I am all about working things out but I truly believe that he stepped over the line knowing well of your past. Consider him a mistake and ditch him!
On that topic, that this person has been cheated on in “every relationship,” she needs to step away from relationships, find out who she is that she accepts men that do this to her, and make a list of “off-ramps” to any relationship she’s in.
Example(s):
Hides his phone around her
After mutual commitment, gets texts she isn’t allowed to see
Gaslighting
Any of these, she’s outta there…
truly. she must recognize red flags and remove herself at the sight of them. theres no way she needs to be in another relationship without immense boundaries in place.
He wants it all -you the agreeable and forgiving wife and the girlfriend for fun. The girlfriend may even be of long standing. Your well-being is more important than staying married to this person.
He waited until you were locked in legally to show you who he is & what he wants. If this isn't what you want also, then go ahead & leave, no point in staying.
The time for him to bring up potentially opening the marriage was long before the actual wedding. And the phone hiding? That's just fuel on the fire of your concerns.
Maybe he believes that, after signing the marriage license, you'll have that sunk cost feeling and he can take advantage of it.
Don't be that person. This (open) marriage is not what you signed up for or wanted, and he was not an honest narrator before you married. He deliberately misrepresented himself and what he wanted your marriage to be. If you are desirous if a monogamous marriage, then he is not the husband for you.
Oh - and get a full STD/STI screening. Your health is important, and you cannot trust that he has your health or best interests in mind.
This is a big ick. I support ethical nonmonogamy but with an emphasis on ethical. Search your own heart, but I would hit the eject button and talk to a lawyer. Obviously, he conned you into thinking he was monogamous; I would ask the lawyer about the legality of collecting audio recordings of him asking for an open marriage to prove to others that he really is a schmuck.
Nope. It only gets worse, coming from someone whose husband started having meltdowns a week before our wedding. And waited until our honeymoon to tell me he was a sex/porn addict. And then cheated on me 6 weeks after the wedding while I was pregnant. Fuck that. If you say no, he'll just go cheat and hide it from you. It will ONLY get worse and worse and worse. I wish I'd cancelled the wedding after that first meltdown. Do NOT give a shit what anyone thinks, do not tell yourself that you made a commitment and you have to follow through. You made a commitment to someone who was actively conning you in order to get you to marry them, you didn't sign up for them to completely switch the second you were locked in. Literally leave as soon as humanly possible, if people ask tell them exactly what he did.
Agree!! My soon to be ex husband had a meltdown and left our home a week before our wedding. Now we are currently separated to get divorce only a year and half into our marriage because he was cheating. He started by changing the password on his phone and being secretive is how I found out he was cheating. Listen to your gut and leave this man!! It will not get better!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I would've listen to my gut and never married him!!
Yup, hard agree. My (ex) husband’s mask fell on our honeymoon and I wasted six years trying to fix it. My biggest regret is being too embarrassed to file for divorce earlier. It will not get better, this is who he is.
Damn, I'm so sorry. It's wild that others experience this, too. I felt the same way, which honestly looking back was such an insignificant reason to deal with so much pain- in the end everyone who loves me understood. I'm sure people judge but I haven't heard a word of it.
Mostly I was stubborn and took the vows I made very seriously. Took me a while to really accept that he did NOT give a shit about commitment and wasn't going to snap out of it. The kindest thing he did was move out behind my back and disappear.
Wait wait wait. You don’t have his password, he keeps in touch with exes, he hides his phone and shrugs it off when you tell him how it makes you feel? Please tell me that these signs weren’t there before you married him.
Only it isn't cool to be a doormat! It's not controlling, it's full disclosure. It's only controlling if you knowing means they can't do behavior they want to do, in that case, leave.
He waited until he had you locked down and then showed his true colours. You can still walk away. I'd guess he intends to cheat, if he hasn't already, and was just testing to see if you would approve.
You start out by saying he is the person you trust most.
But by the end you are saying that he hides things, is secretive, does things that make you feel insecure then brushes it off if you bring it up.
is he really the person you trust most?
Time to be honest with yourself. It's hard. So very hard.
It is hard. I think that's why OP is struggling. The new information does not fit in with who she believed she married.
Speaking from experience, there is nothing more terrifying than the moment you realize you don't know the person you trust most in this world.
Prioritize your mental health, OP. And remember that you have the right to set the terms of your relationships. Regardless of if you're dating or married. If he breaks those terms, you walk away. For your own good.
I listened to 50 ways to leave your lover a bunch while working up the courage to end my toxic relationship. Hope this helps!
What in the actual fark? How can you marry someone, swear fidelity to them for the rest of your lives, and a bloody week later ask to open the marriage? Don’t ever open a relationship you hope to keep. I think he’s cheating for the record - anyone who has secret “passcodes” in a marriage has something to hide.
I am sure this is not the first time he treated you disrespectfully? You said it yourself he was always secretive and you don't even have his phone password. You probably just missed a whole bunch of red flags while dating him.
You said you were cheated on in every relationship in the past and he knew all about it? I would not share that information with anyone you date in the future because it attracts narcissist, cheaters and liars to people like you with trauma. They see you as an easy prey, someone who can be easily manipulated, lied to, cheated on.
You should divorce him immediately. He straight up conned you into this marriage. Don't even doubt that decision.
OP: If I sold you a brand new house overlooking the beach for $6,000,000, and it turns out I built it out of termite infested wood, I paid off the inspectors, and you think that you have to pay for the house, and have no recourse, what you do?
A: Keep the house, because you made a commitment to me
B: Sue me to take the house back, because I committed fraud in misrepresenting the house as passing code
C: Go to Reddit and ask what you should do, then do A or B
I hope I don’t have to draw the parallels for you.
Not trying to be offensive, but from what you have shared here about your personal life, how did you get to the point of actually marrying this guy?
>I have been cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever been prior to this one and have deep rooted trust issues that he knows about and has tried to help me through.
I mean, this causes me to wonder just how many relationships you have had. But this sounds like a very personal, deeply painful issue.
>This question felt extremely insensitive to ask me considering my past and how soon after us just getting married that he’s asking to sleep with other women.
It is, yes. All of this.
>I have repeatedly in past relationships been made to feel like I’m not enough and this has only brought up all of that past trauma again.
You could not possibly convince me he did not know how this would affect you. He has no excuse on which to plead ignorance.
>He’s very reassuring but I’m not sure how to move past this.
How could he possibly be reassuring enough in this situation? What could he possibly say that would make this acceptable, to him or to you?
>He tends to be pretty secretive.
This right here is what made me pause to write this reply. This here does not fit in with ANY of the rest of what you have written about him here. He is supportive, but secretive. He is reassuring, but secretive. He is working hard to make me feel supported and valued, but he keeps secrets and texts his exes and won't let me know what he is telling them.
>He just does a lot of things that make me feel insecure that I don’t feel a husband should do.
BINGO.
>Is there any way to salvage this marriage?
Yes. Do what he wants. Let him sleep with whoever he wants. Let your own ego die, and be nothing more than a body for him to own. That would save your marriage. Or you can admit to yourself there is nothing here worth saving, separate from him, and live on your own. And therapy. I highly suggest therapy. There has to be some reason you are in relationships with yahoos, and can see the red flags, but convince yourself they are just fine that way, not a problem at all, though you know they really should be. Everything that bothered you about this guy, bothered you for a very good reason. But you let him convince you it was all fine and dandy and that you shouldn't trust that little gut feeling. But you should, you really really should trust that gut of yours, over any guy who tries to tell you otherwise.
I'm sorry but it sounds like he's already sleeping with other people.
You should speak to a lawyer asap, you might be able to get an annulment.
You got tricked.
What an asshole leave him because “a home with no peace is hell” you’ll never feel like your enough with him or trust in him anymore leave his ass you deserve better this sucks
OP, you have been scamed. Your husband isn't who he pretended to be before the marriage and is only now showing his true face. Divorce, find out why you are attracted to unreliable men. Learn how to read red flags (being secretive is a big one) and act on them early (before marriage...)
Seems like he is already doing something that breaks your boundaries and he is just hoping that since he gave you the marriage you will give him the opportunity to continue to do the cheating openly without feeling guilty of hiding it. I would try and get annulment or divorce because this is insensitive, at the very least, knowing your history. Do not be manipulated into thinking that if you say no to his request, he will stay faithful!
Annulment. Schedule STD test. Move out. Get financial affairs in order. Move on.
You are not compatible.
No need for the mental gymnastics on this.
It’s not and will not work out.
Hang it up.
Girl get out, it's not gonna be worth the time and energy to hash it out with him. You are so young, and you will meet many more men! Take your time, enjoy your 20s, keep looking for that gem. This guy ain't it
You can probably get an annulment. A lot cheaper and easier than a divorce and essentially sets you back to your previous status as before. As if you were never married.
Tl;dr: Two weeks into our marriage, my husband wants to sleep around with my permission; what should I do?
Dear, you know what you should do. Get an annulment, and do it now, and never speak to him again.
The fact that you’re here on Reddit asking this is just confirmation of your insecurity and wanting to have someone to “back you up” to make this easy decision. Leave him. It’ll do wonders for your sense of self-worth.
Get an annulment. A divorce. Hell, just ghost him like a bad date.
There's just so many levels of bad to this.
Asking to open your marriage less than a WEEK AFTER your wedding. That's a "we've been married for years, the magic is gone, and we're trying anything to get it back" hail mary suggestion. You just got fucking married.
Asking that of someone who knows all about your trust issues and relationship history.
There's probably going to be part of you afraid to start over again. A part of you embarrassed to be ending things so soon into marriage. IGNORE THOSE PARTS. He sounds like an absolute dog of a man, and you don't owe him an open marriage, a life together, or even a goodbye.
No and you know why, because he thinks he trapped you. He waited until you were married to bring this up thinking you wouldn’t leave, which means you have to leave.
“I’ve talked to him about the things that make me insecure and he just tells me I shouldn’t be and brushes it off.”
Have you told him *very* specifically the issues that are bothering you? Like how he hides his phone, and how he is still in contact with past lovers? Those two things alone are very sketchy. And why would he put a ring on it just to ask you to invite others into the bedroom with you? I’m confused. Anyways. I would suggest bringing these issues up with him and be very specific. If he says you’re just over reacting or you shouldn’t be worried, tell him that isn’t a good enough response for you. Tell him you want to have a *conversation* about these things. Some (most) men are pretty dumb. They think a simple “yes” , “no.” Or “I don’t know” (for example, my point is simple responses that are not open ended.) answers are enough. They’re not. I wish you luck xx
Nah.... I'm so sorry he made you go through the whole wedding and vows only to show he's a pos.
File for annulment if possible. If not, divorce. I'd bet dollars to donuts he's already cheating. You should know his password to his phone. Secretive? Not in a marriage.
He was a secretive person prior to marriage, right? He was keeping in touch with exes before marriage, right? You had trust issues because of your past before marriage, right?
So.... Why exactly did you marry this guy?
A friend of mine started casually dating a girl. When they became exclusive after a couple months, she asked for an open relationship after only 3 weeks of "monogamy." I bet you can guess that she never dropped her side pieces, even when she agreed to be exclusive.
I'm sorry to say, your husband is probably already cheating on you. He's showing all the signs and being rather bold about it too. Flat out tactless, frankly.
I wouldn't attempt to salvage this, in all honesty.
He has already been cheating on you. Do the research and make your discovery fast. In the USA, one typically has 30 days to annual the marriage. These are questions that should have been asked long ago to you. He also has ZERO respect for you.
He waited until it was more difficult to leave him. You should be in your honeymoon period enjoying each other and he says he wants to fuck other people? What a giant asshole. Time for an annulment. You married him under fraudulent pretences.
I’m sorry whattttt? 😳😦 I would have filed for divorce a week ago. How is this just now coming out? Good God another case of the man trapping the woman with marriage then showing his true self afterwards. 😪 Frauds everywhere. The patience of this calculated plan is very scary. That someone can be capable of this. 🚫 Make it stop 😫.
He has somebody in mind. They always have somebody in mind or what would they ask? Why would he even get married if he wants to get some strange? I think you might be able to get an annulment, but maybe not cuz those are kind of more complex than they sound.
No it's not salvageable. The only difference between the sky and the last one is he's asking permission to cheat on you. He probably thought that you would break up with him if he asked her before the marriage so now he's asking after because you're 'stuck'. Just leave these open marriages never work
Annulment. Get out fast. You are a traditional monogamous person and that is a very good thing. You’ve had a string of bad luck with pathetic cheating losers and unfortunately you’ve latched onto another one. My suggestion, therapy to figure out why you are attracted to all these assholes. You deserve better.
I'm so sorry for you to have to hear it from here, but if your husband is asking you a question like that this early, he's almost definitely already cheating and just wants to make it seem like you've permitted it. I would HIGHLY recommend seeking an annulment. He lied to you about who he is, and it's best to get out while you still can.
Once a guy says this to me, it’s Over.
When they say these type of things, they’re already cheating and use this line to slide their AP’s in so as to not be accused of cheating.
Being that you just got married, an Annulment is way more cheaper than a divorce.
And it’s Not You, you Are Enough!
It’s Him.
Please trust your gut. If he’s being secretive with his phone he’s definitely cheating. And for him to bring this up so close after getting married. If he wanted this lifestyle he should have mentioned it before. He’s trying to trap you and it will only get worse. Get out now. Sending you strength and love
Just Divorce him. He deceived you. You want a monogamous relationship and he wants a hedonistic lifestyle with many sexual partners. He pretended to be traditionally monogamous to fool you into marriage. Leave him. He never was your friend. Just a conniving bastard manipulating you.
He's been cheating on you the whole time. He either thought marriage would get him to stop, or that you would be trapped and into saying yes to opening the marriage. Maybe you can get an annulment this early?
You can always convince yourself to stay in this marriage because of the good he has to offer or your friendship outside of the marriage bed.. but if you choose to do that it’s very likely you’ll look back years later and regret not walking away. Also, make sure he isn’t sweet talking you out of taking action.. he is living some fantasy life while you are suffering 2 weeks after marriage.. what if your daughter was in your place.. would you advice her to stay with him?
My first husband switched the first day on the way home from the courthouse. Thought he owned me. Took me 3 years and a punch in my jaw to get away from him.
Red flag that he’s so secretive. My wife has my password to everything, and she also is registered as a FaceID user in my phone so everything that that can unlock, bank account, passwords, etc. The fact he’s hiding pictures, that’s bad bad.
Go see a lawyer immediately and see if annulment is possible, you'll have to do this quickly.
He clearly presented himself as one person to marry you and didn't enter the marriage in good faith.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer ASAP.
I think people who start as monogamous and later entertain any form of non monogamy (yes, by entertain I mean even bring it up, which can be extremely shocking and traumatic to the other spouse), have little chance of staying happily together.
Yeah, I know there are positive experiences out there (well, that’s what Reddit always says, always one in the comments), but in real life, I’ve only seen it end up badly.
Op, you need help my dear. If he’s secretive and he hides his phone BEFORE you’re married, and now this? Ply he knows you’ve been cheated on and this is a trigger for you?
I’m not going to say leave him. Only you can decide that. But read the first paragraph. This is not good spouse material.
You’d be the AH if you continue to treat yourself so poorly.
I wish you well. It’s a thing we do here, recommend therapy. But I truly think you need it.
Get an annulment if you can. This man is not worth the trouble. He waited to bring this up. He wants you, but he knew you wouldn't agree to an open marriage. He waited until you signed the papers. He assumed you would have to go along with it if you were legally married.
Nope. Don't give him the chance to have his cake and eat it too.
Lots of people suggesting an annulment saying the husband must have defrauded her, hiding who he was. I'm sorry but if she's been cheated on in every relationship, she is ignoring red flags and choosing the wrong guys. The signs were probably there. OP, I hope you look deep within yourself to try to figure out why you choose men with unacceptable behaviors.
He is now testing the water to formalize what he has already been doing - cheating all along. If you react and say no to this he will do it anyway.
I suggest you snoop.
I would generally say that any relationship where the question "can we open the relationship to other partners" question comes up, is dead in the water. Doubly so for a marriage that is only weeks old, and it suggests to me that either he had doubts that he thought would be resolved by commiting to the marriage (but marrying did not resolve them, and now he realizes that yours is the only body he is now allowed to cuddle sexually), or he was cheating on you before the marriage and has just been told that his side piece is pregnant.
Forget divorce, you may simply be able to apply for an annulment of the marriage (it would be cheaper than a divorce), depending on your local laws. You (or any family and friends who contributed to the cost of the wedding) might also be able to sue to recover the costs involved in the marriage. Although if the family and friends can sue, you might also be a potential target for the lawsuit.
But to answer your question, no I do not believe the marriage is salvageable.
I'm so sorry, but I don't think so.
He knows about all your past trauma, and then does this just days after your wedding?
He is the worst kind of manipulator - the kind that tricks you into marriage then shows their true colors when it's harder to get out.
Divorce him, and don't date anyone until you understand why you overlooked the obvious signs that he was hiding things from you.
The shady behaviour and the request to open up your marriage are more than reasonable to want a divorce. At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for you.
You deserve better, and I'm sorry that you are put into this terrible predicament
Girl. My friend. No. That dog won't hunt. TWO weeks in and he's ready to turn your relationship upside down? These open marriages rarely, if ever, work out. BOTH parties have to be 110% into this, and even then things still fall apart. He's going to end up cheating, and likely already has. I'm so sorry, this breaks my heart for you. You DESERVE someone better, someone who gets absolute fulfillment from YOU, and no one else. YOU ARE ENOUGH, he's the one lacking, and severely at that. Your new husband is a creep. F him.
As someone who HAS discussed open relationships with my fiancé... we discussed this when we FIRST STARTED DATING, & although we've never actually done it, the option is there if either of us so choose it, & this was something we talked about in length for years. We talked about safety, communication, etc.
Your husband doesn't want an open relationship. He wants side chicks & thinks he can manipulate you into being meek & accepting it so he can have his cake & eat it too. Because why else would he wait until now to hide it? If someone was genuinely on the polyamory spectrum, they would be up front about it from jump instead of waiting until you're married with the hope of trapping you.
Something happened at bucks night and it’s only a matter of time before you find out. Ask him WHEN, he first thought an open relationship would be a positive step, and if he always wanted that. I can’t imagine he would marry a woman expecting other men would get with his wife?
Cut your losses. This man is not for you. The open marriage question should have been brought up prior to the wedding. This isn't what you signed up for.
Run for the hills is my advice. Sorry it's not more positive.
Come on OP you didn’t need the internet’s approval, you know he’s cheating, and you know he’s doing stuff he knows will hurt you (asking for open relationship). Just bail already, call an attorney today.
He brought up opening the marriage after only 2 weeks because he wanted it beforehand but chose to trap you first so you’d feel more obligated to say yes. Not only is that kind of behavior incredibly manipulative but I’d go as far as saying it’s coercive. He could have brought it up beforehand so you could decide for yourself but he wanted to take away your option to leave first.
You should try and file for an annulment on the basis on fraud. Speak to a lawyer before you do anything and get the best one you can possibly afford. Him pushing you so soon into the marriage is him trickle truthing his true self to you. He knows your trauma, he knows your insecurities and he knows your feelings on infidelity but he’s pushing anyway. You have valid fears that he’s pushing down because they’re an inconvenience to him. If he’s already super secretive chances are he’s already cheating and just trying to loop you in so you can’t hold it against him when you find out. He’s stressed that you’re going to find out about the other girls so he’s trying to backdate your permission.
This marriage is not salvageable at all and the longer you try to save it the more you’re putting yourself at risk of screwing yourself financially. Put your finances on lock and get the hell out.
It sounds like you likely had reservations before you said I do!
Things don't typically get better after marriage. It usually intensifies the issues wading under the surface.
The fact that he waited until after you were married to bring this up to you means he was planning this the whole time so that it get harder for you to leave. Get an annulment due to him lying about being monogamous. He never intended to be faithful to you, he just hoped you’d feel desperate enough to try to save such a new marriage that you’d agree to it. He knew your past and still tried to lock you into an open marriage against your will, he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you enough to only want you. He’s a fraud
Run for the hills.
Pay an attorney to figure out an annulment for you.
Find a good therapist in anticipation of the shock of all this wearing off in a week or two.
Be kind to yourself.
Get an annulment, but I’d also start to ask yourself what it is that you find so attractive in these types of men that you keep winding up with them. If you see a pattern in your personal life, it’s worth exploring.
Get those divorce papers, girl. IF he’s not cheating now (which he may be), he eventually will. None of this contributes to a healthy marriage and will ultimately end in divorce anyway…. I’m sorry.
Hate to tell you this but he’s secretive because he’s cheating on you and probably wants to invite the person he’s cheating with into the “open” marriage that he wants. Divorce his sorry ass, you’re way too good for that!
He just asked you " can I cheat on you officially this time " but in a different way cause he's a jerk! And definitely he's been cheating on you this whole time so literally RUN.
You are still young. Divorce and move on. If you are not into open marriage, it is unlikely that you will be happy in one. Divorce and give yourself time to find a man who wants only you.
Oh my god, OP, I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. That’s nightmarish. I can only imagine the strife you’re under.
Get an annulment. This man is manipulating you, and married you to trap you.
You ARE enough- good enough, desirable enough, all of that. He is the one with the issue.
I wish you peace and healing, OP.
Tbh you should tell him you will never be open to swapping partners or threesomes and if he wants to stay married then he should give his phone password and change his secretive ways. If he doesn’t let him know you will divorce him.
Is it possible to annul the marriage? You may not have to go through a divorce if this is the case. If I were you I would do it. He waited for y’all to be married to ask you because he knew you’d be more likely to say yes or look past it since y’all are now married. That would have been so hurtful to hear from someone who just made vows to love you.
OP, it sounds like you were the safe bet unfortunately. Probably wanted the security of a marriage while still acting single. So sorry this is happening to you, but fortunately it's truly never too late AND you're in your mid 20's still. Atp, literally anybody is a better option
Get a lawyer and have it annulled for fraud and infidelity. He defrauded you as a BF. BF who become spouses do not get married then want to open it before the ink is dried on the marriage certificate. BF are not secretive. Tell him goodbye and good riddance.
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He’s already cheating on you if he asks you this a week after getting married.
Yep, find an attorney to get an annulment going.
It’s so interesting that everyone is referring to an annulment. Depending upon OP’s location and personal finances, she might end up financially better off with a divorce.
Plus, there are strict criteria for annulments. Was she underaged, coerced, didn't consummate, mental incapacity, etc? Doubtful any of this applies. Some people tend to think annulments are like the morning after pill.
One of the criteria for getting an annulment is concealment. He concealed pertinent information in regards to their marriage by not telling her from the get-go that he wanted an open marriage. That alone is grounds for annulment.
Hope it works.
depends on where she is. in some countries, annulment is always possible a certain amount of time after marriage
Fraud is also a provision.
Yeah that’s always happens here. It’s like just because you may be able to get an annulment doesn’t mean that’s the best option for you.
A lot of people emotionallly feel better about an annulment. Financially isn't as consequential this early on for some.
I don’t think this would apply for an annulment
“Fraud: Intentionally misrepresenting something important to get someone to marry you, knowing that the other party will rely on it” Ding ding ding
It's not nearly that simple.
You can usually get an annulment if it has been less than 6 months.
Really? In Ireland this is not the case. Had friend who’s wife cheated on him on their honeymoon and he could not get an annulment. Now not sure if it is different in other countries.
Thats wild! I'm in the US here annulments are almost free candy so long as you do it in less than 6 months and a few conditions are met. Edit: I guess it depends on what state you live in, every state is different
Not in my state. They are pretty uncommon here. Annulments need specific grounds to be allowed, which include bigamy, incest, fraud, duress, impotence, being underage, or mental incapacity. Fraud is a tough one to prove in my state because the fraud needs to go to the heart of the marriage. Some examples are someone claiming to be marrying you for love, but really marrying you just for immigration reasons, or claiming to be planning on starting a family with you when they already had a vasectomy and have no plans to actually have kids.
Yeah that makes sense, I guess Every state is different! This is definitely a fraudulent one! My cousin got hers annuled because her husband married her for a house on military base.
Yeah it use to be even more difficult to get divorced until 2019 when a new law passed that speed up the process.
Um, no. It depends entirely on what state you live in. They're almost unheard of in a significant number of states.
Yes! In Michigan you have to prove one party was coerced into marrying the other. My sister went to court and explained to the judge that she forced her never-husband to marry her or be homeless in order to get an annulment. She did get it, though. Her not-marriage also only lasted two weeks. He was off with another woman immediately after getting back from the honeymoon. Not as manipulative as OP’s, but not worth calling an ex husband.
Where I live you can get an annulment after any length of time if you have evidence that the marriage was entered into fraudulently. Like if one party was already married or something like that.
Message to the OP here. Just Divorce him. He deceived you. You want a monogamous relationship and he wants a hedonistic lifestyle with many sexual partners. He pretended to be traditionally monogamous to fool you into marriage. Leave him. He never was your friend. Just a conniving bastard manipulating you.
Right. Because even if he said, “Okay, never mind; forget what I said” you could never ever forget it. Especially coupled with his suspicious behavior. I don’t understand how anyone could justify hiding their phone from their partner. What valid reason could you have?
I’m wondering why she even dated him much less married him, with the way he hides things and isn’t open. She need to bounce like tigger.
Of course, she probably never realized this until NOW. 🤦🏻♀️ He's probably hidden it all and now they're hitched he decided it was safe to let his mask drop.
She said he tilts the phone away if scrolling through photos, she doesn't have the pass code or anything. That was pre marriage and a massive red flag
“Bounce like Tigger” is my new favourite ⭐️
❤️
Either cheating or he’s just an idiot. What person that doesn’t already believe in plural relationships proposes to complicate a relationship during the honeymoon stage…only answer is someone insane or cheating already.
Yeah, I'm all for non-monogamy but this guy is going about it in the second-worst-way possible. The only worse way would be showing up at the house with a prospective third or couple and springing it on her in front of them. If you want an open relationship, date someone else who wants an open relationship. Don't date someone who has repeatedly made it clear they don't want an open relationship, marry them, and then bring up the idea.
Absolutely
He was sleeping with other people 2 weeks ago.
But I bet he's a "really nice guy". This stinks of a "friend" playing along and helping you out just to get you to himself. Now he has you he realises that it's not what he wants. The pretend guy/friend persona, that he's made up, now is too stifling and it's your fault. Sorry OP men/boys suck. Get out if you can.
I agree. It feels very manipulative!
Either that or he was hoping she’d agree due to feeling trapped by not wanting to leave him after a week of marriage.
That’s called a bait and switch. Literally less than a week???? He’s also stupid and tactless. Having an open marriage is one thing but it’s not something one does after standing at the alter announcing one’s vows. You still have time to annul. Research annulment in your state and make that decision thoughtfully. For me he broke a sacred bond. How are you supposed to trust him ever. “When people show you who they are, remember them the first time”. This is not to say that you knew but it is to say that it’s time you did something about it because if you say no to an open marriage it’s somewhat likely he will sleep around and put you in danger of contracting an STD.
If I had to guess, I’d say he’s already cheating. Based on how secretive he is, he’s probably a serial cheater. I feel bad for the OP!
i was surprised how nonchalantly OP said he keeps in contact with people he used to sleep with. i don’t think that’s normal??
Most scumbag men are more chalant about it.
Men often see it as normal for themselves and other men because they want to keep that connection going in case they have the opportunity to sleep with them again. They swear up and down it’s about friendship but really they’re just trying to keep their foot in the door. That’s why they often turn around and immediately shut down the idea of their partners remaining friends with their exes because if they stayed friends with their exes sex is rarely far from their minds.
that blew me and that is something she knew before marriage like what r u doing😅
It’s not. I had a girlfriend who traveled a lot for work. I happened to be in SF and decided to surprise her. She was in her room with the host of the restaurant downstairs. “oh we are just friends”. Byeeeeeee
No, he's the opposite of tactless. He INTENTIONALLY waited until they were married, so it's harder for her to leave him when he brings this up. He's manipulative, not stupid.
Yeah. The timing is intentional, so I assume her background of trauma is also intentional. “What’re you gonna do? Say no and leave me, and then spend your life alone because you’ll never be able to trust again?”
He’s stupid. I promise.
Yeah. I wonder if his vows included that whole “forsaking all others” bit in them.
Looks like you married an imposter. It doesn't really look salvageable, and you'll realize that later on.
Here is what this sounds like to me (a random guy on Reddit who doesn’t know either of you): Most of the time when one partner spontaneously asks for an open relationship out of the blue it means that they have someone in mind that they want to sleep with. They do this to justify it, because they don’t want to cheat. It sounds to me like this guy locked you down because he wants a wife and a side piece. The fact that he waited until after you all were married so it would be more difficult to leave him is terrible. It seems like he could have brought this up before. The whole hiding the phone thing feeds into this theory. Have a brutally honest conversation and know what your red line is. Ask him if he has someone in mind that he wants to sleep with. Ask him why he is so secretive with his phone. Be direct and point blank. Mentally prepare to hear the worst case scenario. Mentally prepare to leave the marriage. Honestly, I know a 2 week marriage may seem like a failure, however the longer you drag it out the harder it will become to leave. If you wait 2 years then you all might buy a house together, co sign on a car, have a kid, joint bank account etc… The longer you stay married the more ties and anchors you have with a person. If you don’t trust him then get out now. You may even be able to get an annulment depending on the state.
I couldn't agree more. Just get out. My ex-husband did some bait 'n' switch stuff to me and even my very Catholic dad (Eucharistic minister!) let me know only a few weeks into that marriage that if I wanted out, he wouldn't fault me. I wish he had been a bit more direct about it so I wouldn't have questioned myself so much...but I got out of there in 1.5 years. Just get out. It won't get better. The guy now figures you're trapped so he can do whatever he wants with little consequence. UGH.
Yes. This marriage is already a failure because your new husband is not in it for the reasons you thought he was. He is already trying to get you to accept a loophole clause out of his vows. The longer you stay married to this fraud, the bigger a failure it will be.
Seek an annulment based on fraud
I’m just going to say this, your husband is a jerk! Trust your instincts, you’ve been cheated on so you should know the signs. Normally I am all about working things out but I truly believe that he stepped over the line knowing well of your past. Consider him a mistake and ditch him!
On that topic, that this person has been cheated on in “every relationship,” she needs to step away from relationships, find out who she is that she accepts men that do this to her, and make a list of “off-ramps” to any relationship she’s in. Example(s): Hides his phone around her After mutual commitment, gets texts she isn’t allowed to see Gaslighting Any of these, she’s outta there…
truly. she must recognize red flags and remove herself at the sight of them. theres no way she needs to be in another relationship without immense boundaries in place.
OFF RAMPS! Genius!
Calling him a jerk is being too modest. He’s a Grade A asshole.
He wants it all -you the agreeable and forgiving wife and the girlfriend for fun. The girlfriend may even be of long standing. Your well-being is more important than staying married to this person.
He waited until you were locked in legally to show you who he is & what he wants. If this isn't what you want also, then go ahead & leave, no point in staying.
Try to get an annulment. Best of luck to you.
She was definitely defrauded.
The time for him to bring up potentially opening the marriage was long before the actual wedding. And the phone hiding? That's just fuel on the fire of your concerns. Maybe he believes that, after signing the marriage license, you'll have that sunk cost feeling and he can take advantage of it. Don't be that person. This (open) marriage is not what you signed up for or wanted, and he was not an honest narrator before you married. He deliberately misrepresented himself and what he wanted your marriage to be. If you are desirous if a monogamous marriage, then he is not the husband for you. Oh - and get a full STD/STI screening. Your health is important, and you cannot trust that he has your health or best interests in mind.
This is a big ick. I support ethical nonmonogamy but with an emphasis on ethical. Search your own heart, but I would hit the eject button and talk to a lawyer. Obviously, he conned you into thinking he was monogamous; I would ask the lawyer about the legality of collecting audio recordings of him asking for an open marriage to prove to others that he really is a schmuck.
Nope. It only gets worse, coming from someone whose husband started having meltdowns a week before our wedding. And waited until our honeymoon to tell me he was a sex/porn addict. And then cheated on me 6 weeks after the wedding while I was pregnant. Fuck that. If you say no, he'll just go cheat and hide it from you. It will ONLY get worse and worse and worse. I wish I'd cancelled the wedding after that first meltdown. Do NOT give a shit what anyone thinks, do not tell yourself that you made a commitment and you have to follow through. You made a commitment to someone who was actively conning you in order to get you to marry them, you didn't sign up for them to completely switch the second you were locked in. Literally leave as soon as humanly possible, if people ask tell them exactly what he did.
Agree!! My soon to be ex husband had a meltdown and left our home a week before our wedding. Now we are currently separated to get divorce only a year and half into our marriage because he was cheating. He started by changing the password on his phone and being secretive is how I found out he was cheating. Listen to your gut and leave this man!! It will not get better!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I would've listen to my gut and never married him!!
Yup, hard agree. My (ex) husband’s mask fell on our honeymoon and I wasted six years trying to fix it. My biggest regret is being too embarrassed to file for divorce earlier. It will not get better, this is who he is.
Damn, I'm so sorry. It's wild that others experience this, too. I felt the same way, which honestly looking back was such an insignificant reason to deal with so much pain- in the end everyone who loves me understood. I'm sure people judge but I haven't heard a word of it. Mostly I was stubborn and took the vows I made very seriously. Took me a while to really accept that he did NOT give a shit about commitment and wasn't going to snap out of it. The kindest thing he did was move out behind my back and disappear.
Yes. Divorce immediately. Without knowing anything else, this is emotional abuse at best. Leave immediately.
Wait wait wait. You don’t have his password, he keeps in touch with exes, he hides his phone and shrugs it off when you tell him how it makes you feel? Please tell me that these signs weren’t there before you married him.
This sub needs to get together and write a book on red flags, so many people are just clueless (including me before hanging out here)
Because they’ll call you controlling if you ask for their password or ask for them to stop contacting exes. So you try to be the cool girl
Only it isn't cool to be a doormat! It's not controlling, it's full disclosure. It's only controlling if you knowing means they can't do behavior they want to do, in that case, leave.
I don't think it is salvageable; he sounds incredibly sketchy.
He waited until he had you locked down and then showed his true colours. You can still walk away. I'd guess he intends to cheat, if he hasn't already, and was just testing to see if you would approve.
You start out by saying he is the person you trust most. But by the end you are saying that he hides things, is secretive, does things that make you feel insecure then brushes it off if you bring it up. is he really the person you trust most? Time to be honest with yourself. It's hard. So very hard.
It is hard. I think that's why OP is struggling. The new information does not fit in with who she believed she married. Speaking from experience, there is nothing more terrifying than the moment you realize you don't know the person you trust most in this world. Prioritize your mental health, OP. And remember that you have the right to set the terms of your relationships. Regardless of if you're dating or married. If he breaks those terms, you walk away. For your own good. I listened to 50 ways to leave your lover a bunch while working up the courage to end my toxic relationship. Hope this helps!
What in the actual fark? How can you marry someone, swear fidelity to them for the rest of your lives, and a bloody week later ask to open the marriage? Don’t ever open a relationship you hope to keep. I think he’s cheating for the record - anyone who has secret “passcodes” in a marriage has something to hide.
yeah, honestly even asking to open the marriage itself is enough to end the relationship for me.
Me too - I’m the only woman in the relationship. If you want to sleep with other bitches, you go do that - but I ain’t sticking around.
I am sure this is not the first time he treated you disrespectfully? You said it yourself he was always secretive and you don't even have his phone password. You probably just missed a whole bunch of red flags while dating him. You said you were cheated on in every relationship in the past and he knew all about it? I would not share that information with anyone you date in the future because it attracts narcissist, cheaters and liars to people like you with trauma. They see you as an easy prey, someone who can be easily manipulated, lied to, cheated on. You should divorce him immediately. He straight up conned you into this marriage. Don't even doubt that decision.
Try for an annulment. I’m so sorry.
OP: If I sold you a brand new house overlooking the beach for $6,000,000, and it turns out I built it out of termite infested wood, I paid off the inspectors, and you think that you have to pay for the house, and have no recourse, what you do? A: Keep the house, because you made a commitment to me B: Sue me to take the house back, because I committed fraud in misrepresenting the house as passing code C: Go to Reddit and ask what you should do, then do A or B I hope I don’t have to draw the parallels for you.
An annulment is a lot quicker and less paperwork
My bf had asked me to do this as well at one point, and turns out he had been talking to others.
Annulment asap Yikes
Annulment. He's a player. And he played you. Don't play his game. Misery lies that way. Updateme!
Not trying to be offensive, but from what you have shared here about your personal life, how did you get to the point of actually marrying this guy? >I have been cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever been prior to this one and have deep rooted trust issues that he knows about and has tried to help me through. I mean, this causes me to wonder just how many relationships you have had. But this sounds like a very personal, deeply painful issue. >This question felt extremely insensitive to ask me considering my past and how soon after us just getting married that he’s asking to sleep with other women. It is, yes. All of this. >I have repeatedly in past relationships been made to feel like I’m not enough and this has only brought up all of that past trauma again. You could not possibly convince me he did not know how this would affect you. He has no excuse on which to plead ignorance. >He’s very reassuring but I’m not sure how to move past this. How could he possibly be reassuring enough in this situation? What could he possibly say that would make this acceptable, to him or to you? >He tends to be pretty secretive. This right here is what made me pause to write this reply. This here does not fit in with ANY of the rest of what you have written about him here. He is supportive, but secretive. He is reassuring, but secretive. He is working hard to make me feel supported and valued, but he keeps secrets and texts his exes and won't let me know what he is telling them. >He just does a lot of things that make me feel insecure that I don’t feel a husband should do. BINGO. >Is there any way to salvage this marriage? Yes. Do what he wants. Let him sleep with whoever he wants. Let your own ego die, and be nothing more than a body for him to own. That would save your marriage. Or you can admit to yourself there is nothing here worth saving, separate from him, and live on your own. And therapy. I highly suggest therapy. There has to be some reason you are in relationships with yahoos, and can see the red flags, but convince yourself they are just fine that way, not a problem at all, though you know they really should be. Everything that bothered you about this guy, bothered you for a very good reason. But you let him convince you it was all fine and dandy and that you shouldn't trust that little gut feeling. But you should, you really really should trust that gut of yours, over any guy who tries to tell you otherwise.
A week?
I'm sorry but it sounds like he's already sleeping with other people. You should speak to a lawyer asap, you might be able to get an annulment. You got tricked.
Time for an annulment. Atleast you know sooner rather than later. Small blessings. Good luck to you
What an asshole leave him because “a home with no peace is hell” you’ll never feel like your enough with him or trust in him anymore leave his ass you deserve better this sucks
Don't divorce him. Get an annulment instead.
OP, you have been scamed. Your husband isn't who he pretended to be before the marriage and is only now showing his true face. Divorce, find out why you are attracted to unreliable men. Learn how to read red flags (being secretive is a big one) and act on them early (before marriage...)
Seems like he is already doing something that breaks your boundaries and he is just hoping that since he gave you the marriage you will give him the opportunity to continue to do the cheating openly without feeling guilty of hiding it. I would try and get annulment or divorce because this is insensitive, at the very least, knowing your history. Do not be manipulated into thinking that if you say no to his request, he will stay faithful!
No, it is over. I'm so sorry your new husband is total trash.
Annulment. Schedule STD test. Move out. Get financial affairs in order. Move on. You are not compatible. No need for the mental gymnastics on this. It’s not and will not work out. Hang it up.
Not from what I’m reading. Seems like a bait and switch to me. UPDATEME
RED.FLAGS.EVERWHERE. He's telling you what he wants, now you know.
Divorce, you want a committed man, he played the game, until he married you.
Girl get out, it's not gonna be worth the time and energy to hash it out with him. You are so young, and you will meet many more men! Take your time, enjoy your 20s, keep looking for that gem. This guy ain't it
You can probably get an annulment. A lot cheaper and easier than a divorce and essentially sets you back to your previous status as before. As if you were never married.
Tl;dr: Two weeks into our marriage, my husband wants to sleep around with my permission; what should I do? Dear, you know what you should do. Get an annulment, and do it now, and never speak to him again. The fact that you’re here on Reddit asking this is just confirmation of your insecurity and wanting to have someone to “back you up” to make this easy decision. Leave him. It’ll do wonders for your sense of self-worth.
Get an annulment. A divorce. Hell, just ghost him like a bad date. There's just so many levels of bad to this. Asking to open your marriage less than a WEEK AFTER your wedding. That's a "we've been married for years, the magic is gone, and we're trying anything to get it back" hail mary suggestion. You just got fucking married. Asking that of someone who knows all about your trust issues and relationship history. There's probably going to be part of you afraid to start over again. A part of you embarrassed to be ending things so soon into marriage. IGNORE THOSE PARTS. He sounds like an absolute dog of a man, and you don't owe him an open marriage, a life together, or even a goodbye.
No and you know why, because he thinks he trapped you. He waited until you were married to bring this up thinking you wouldn’t leave, which means you have to leave.
You know what! You don't need to get past this. Just the audacity to ask for an open relationship 2 weeks in? I'm flabbergasted.
Annulment.!!
“I’ve talked to him about the things that make me insecure and he just tells me I shouldn’t be and brushes it off.” Have you told him *very* specifically the issues that are bothering you? Like how he hides his phone, and how he is still in contact with past lovers? Those two things alone are very sketchy. And why would he put a ring on it just to ask you to invite others into the bedroom with you? I’m confused. Anyways. I would suggest bringing these issues up with him and be very specific. If he says you’re just over reacting or you shouldn’t be worried, tell him that isn’t a good enough response for you. Tell him you want to have a *conversation* about these things. Some (most) men are pretty dumb. They think a simple “yes” , “no.” Or “I don’t know” (for example, my point is simple responses that are not open ended.) answers are enough. They’re not. I wish you luck xx
Nah.... I'm so sorry he made you go through the whole wedding and vows only to show he's a pos. File for annulment if possible. If not, divorce. I'd bet dollars to donuts he's already cheating. You should know his password to his phone. Secretive? Not in a marriage.
2 weeks ? Annulment time !!! He’s already cheating . Sorry
Consider an annulment he’s not the one.
He’s already cheating. I’m sorry.
If the guy has money and there is not a prenup in place, don’t go with an annulment. Divorce him and take everything you can. What a fucking creep.
He was a secretive person prior to marriage, right? He was keeping in touch with exes before marriage, right? You had trust issues because of your past before marriage, right? So.... Why exactly did you marry this guy?
A friend of mine started casually dating a girl. When they became exclusive after a couple months, she asked for an open relationship after only 3 weeks of "monogamy." I bet you can guess that she never dropped her side pieces, even when she agreed to be exclusive. I'm sorry to say, your husband is probably already cheating on you. He's showing all the signs and being rather bold about it too. Flat out tactless, frankly. I wouldn't attempt to salvage this, in all honesty.
The thing about open relationships is.. the second they ask for one they are already cheating
If he isn’t cheating he knows which one of her friends he wants to fuck.
Oh yeah yeahyeahyeah he's got em all lined up already
He has already been cheating on you. Do the research and make your discovery fast. In the USA, one typically has 30 days to annual the marriage. These are questions that should have been asked long ago to you. He also has ZERO respect for you.
2 weeks in and he springs this in you? Yeah, I'd file for divorce.
This is messed up. Don’t think twice. He blew it. Get out.
Nope, not salvageable. Divorce, mate, if you're not into an open relationship.
I would divorce him. I wouldn’t be able to trust him after that. It’s like he purposely waited to marry you then sprung it on you.
If he’s pulling this after a few weeks you’re only prolonging the inevitable
Husband should have disclosed who and what he was well before marriage. OP, get an annulment. He can't be trusted.
And he waited until after marriage to bring this up? Annul his ass.
He waited until it was more difficult to leave him. You should be in your honeymoon period enjoying each other and he says he wants to fuck other people? What a giant asshole. Time for an annulment. You married him under fraudulent pretences.
I’m sorry whattttt? 😳😦 I would have filed for divorce a week ago. How is this just now coming out? Good God another case of the man trapping the woman with marriage then showing his true self afterwards. 😪 Frauds everywhere. The patience of this calculated plan is very scary. That someone can be capable of this. 🚫 Make it stop 😫.
This relationship is done. Try and get an annulment
He has somebody in mind. They always have somebody in mind or what would they ask? Why would he even get married if he wants to get some strange? I think you might be able to get an annulment, but maybe not cuz those are kind of more complex than they sound. No it's not salvageable. The only difference between the sky and the last one is he's asking permission to cheat on you. He probably thought that you would break up with him if he asked her before the marriage so now he's asking after because you're 'stuck'. Just leave these open marriages never work
Annulment all the way. Do it now - he’s only going to get worse with time.
There are too many red flags 🚩 what does your gut tell you? Follow that feeling.
Annulment. Get out fast. You are a traditional monogamous person and that is a very good thing. You’ve had a string of bad luck with pathetic cheating losers and unfortunately you’ve latched onto another one. My suggestion, therapy to figure out why you are attracted to all these assholes. You deserve better.
Won't let u know his phone password?! WTF! That was naive to marry him. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Yeah he's most likely cheating on you already. That really sucks. I'm sorry.
Annulment. Asap
I'm so sorry for you to have to hear it from here, but if your husband is asking you a question like that this early, he's almost definitely already cheating and just wants to make it seem like you've permitted it. I would HIGHLY recommend seeking an annulment. He lied to you about who he is, and it's best to get out while you still can.
Once a guy says this to me, it’s Over. When they say these type of things, they’re already cheating and use this line to slide their AP’s in so as to not be accused of cheating. Being that you just got married, an Annulment is way more cheaper than a divorce. And it’s Not You, you Are Enough! It’s Him.
Please trust your gut. If he’s being secretive with his phone he’s definitely cheating. And for him to bring this up so close after getting married. If he wanted this lifestyle he should have mentioned it before. He’s trying to trap you and it will only get worse. Get out now. Sending you strength and love
Just Divorce him. He deceived you. You want a monogamous relationship and he wants a hedonistic lifestyle with many sexual partners. He pretended to be traditionally monogamous to fool you into marriage. Leave him. He never was your friend. Just a conniving bastard manipulating you.
He's been cheating on you the whole time. He either thought marriage would get him to stop, or that you would be trapped and into saying yes to opening the marriage. Maybe you can get an annulment this early?
You can always convince yourself to stay in this marriage because of the good he has to offer or your friendship outside of the marriage bed.. but if you choose to do that it’s very likely you’ll look back years later and regret not walking away. Also, make sure he isn’t sweet talking you out of taking action.. he is living some fantasy life while you are suffering 2 weeks after marriage.. what if your daughter was in your place.. would you advice her to stay with him?
My first husband switched the first day on the way home from the courthouse. Thought he owned me. Took me 3 years and a punch in my jaw to get away from him.
Red flag that he’s so secretive. My wife has my password to everything, and she also is registered as a FaceID user in my phone so everything that that can unlock, bank account, passwords, etc. The fact he’s hiding pictures, that’s bad bad.
Go see a lawyer immediately and see if annulment is possible, you'll have to do this quickly. He clearly presented himself as one person to marry you and didn't enter the marriage in good faith. Lawyer lawyer lawyer ASAP.
I think people who start as monogamous and later entertain any form of non monogamy (yes, by entertain I mean even bring it up, which can be extremely shocking and traumatic to the other spouse), have little chance of staying happily together. Yeah, I know there are positive experiences out there (well, that’s what Reddit always says, always one in the comments), but in real life, I’ve only seen it end up badly.
Op, you need help my dear. If he’s secretive and he hides his phone BEFORE you’re married, and now this? Ply he knows you’ve been cheated on and this is a trigger for you? I’m not going to say leave him. Only you can decide that. But read the first paragraph. This is not good spouse material. You’d be the AH if you continue to treat yourself so poorly. I wish you well. It’s a thing we do here, recommend therapy. But I truly think you need it.
No saving it. He has been cheating and wants to continue. Get out of that marriage. See if annulment is possible Updateme!
No it's not. Divorce is your only option. Speak to an attorney asap.
Get an annulment if you can. This man is not worth the trouble. He waited to bring this up. He wants you, but he knew you wouldn't agree to an open marriage. He waited until you signed the papers. He assumed you would have to go along with it if you were legally married. Nope. Don't give him the chance to have his cake and eat it too.
You’re not insecure to doubt him for acting sus, that’s called being smart and not being taken for a ride. He’s exhibiting textbook cheater behavior.
Lots of people suggesting an annulment saying the husband must have defrauded her, hiding who he was. I'm sorry but if she's been cheated on in every relationship, she is ignoring red flags and choosing the wrong guys. The signs were probably there. OP, I hope you look deep within yourself to try to figure out why you choose men with unacceptable behaviors.
He is now testing the water to formalize what he has already been doing - cheating all along. If you react and say no to this he will do it anyway. I suggest you snoop.
Yeah just try to get an annulment, if that doesn't work divorce. Either way leave them.
it’s over it’s done. you knew the answer already. we will confirm it’s the correct answer for you. this is an open and shut case. a slam dunk.
You have been bamboozled! You know what to do.
WHY did he marry you ? Someone to take care of him, home & future kids ? Since it’s been only 2 weeks, check annulment laws.
I would generally say that any relationship where the question "can we open the relationship to other partners" question comes up, is dead in the water. Doubly so for a marriage that is only weeks old, and it suggests to me that either he had doubts that he thought would be resolved by commiting to the marriage (but marrying did not resolve them, and now he realizes that yours is the only body he is now allowed to cuddle sexually), or he was cheating on you before the marriage and has just been told that his side piece is pregnant. Forget divorce, you may simply be able to apply for an annulment of the marriage (it would be cheaper than a divorce), depending on your local laws. You (or any family and friends who contributed to the cost of the wedding) might also be able to sue to recover the costs involved in the marriage. Although if the family and friends can sue, you might also be a potential target for the lawsuit. But to answer your question, no I do not believe the marriage is salvageable.
I'm so sorry, but I don't think so. He knows about all your past trauma, and then does this just days after your wedding? He is the worst kind of manipulator - the kind that tricks you into marriage then shows their true colors when it's harder to get out. Divorce him, and don't date anyone until you understand why you overlooked the obvious signs that he was hiding things from you.
The shady behaviour and the request to open up your marriage are more than reasonable to want a divorce. At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for you. You deserve better, and I'm sorry that you are put into this terrible predicament
Lawyer, divorce for annulment. Get tested too.
Why on earth did you marry this man? Get out asap.
He is already cheating.
If I were you, I’d seek an Annulment. Check with an attorney.
Why would you even marry someone who is so secretive? Divorce him and get counseling for yourself.
Girl. My friend. No. That dog won't hunt. TWO weeks in and he's ready to turn your relationship upside down? These open marriages rarely, if ever, work out. BOTH parties have to be 110% into this, and even then things still fall apart. He's going to end up cheating, and likely already has. I'm so sorry, this breaks my heart for you. You DESERVE someone better, someone who gets absolute fulfillment from YOU, and no one else. YOU ARE ENOUGH, he's the one lacking, and severely at that. Your new husband is a creep. F him.
As someone who HAS discussed open relationships with my fiancé... we discussed this when we FIRST STARTED DATING, & although we've never actually done it, the option is there if either of us so choose it, & this was something we talked about in length for years. We talked about safety, communication, etc. Your husband doesn't want an open relationship. He wants side chicks & thinks he can manipulate you into being meek & accepting it so he can have his cake & eat it too. Because why else would he wait until now to hide it? If someone was genuinely on the polyamory spectrum, they would be up front about it from jump instead of waiting until you're married with the hope of trapping you.
This man is frat boy burlap, not husband material.
ANNULMENT, as in ASAP. Way less expensive than a divorce!
Not sure he’s not always had side action. So sorry for this situation. Transparency and honest creat trust - not sure he has either?
Something happened at bucks night and it’s only a matter of time before you find out. Ask him WHEN, he first thought an open relationship would be a positive step, and if he always wanted that. I can’t imagine he would marry a woman expecting other men would get with his wife?
Cut your losses. This man is not for you. The open marriage question should have been brought up prior to the wedding. This isn't what you signed up for. Run for the hills is my advice. Sorry it's not more positive.
Come on OP you didn’t need the internet’s approval, you know he’s cheating, and you know he’s doing stuff he knows will hurt you (asking for open relationship). Just bail already, call an attorney today.
He brought up opening the marriage after only 2 weeks because he wanted it beforehand but chose to trap you first so you’d feel more obligated to say yes. Not only is that kind of behavior incredibly manipulative but I’d go as far as saying it’s coercive. He could have brought it up beforehand so you could decide for yourself but he wanted to take away your option to leave first. You should try and file for an annulment on the basis on fraud. Speak to a lawyer before you do anything and get the best one you can possibly afford. Him pushing you so soon into the marriage is him trickle truthing his true self to you. He knows your trauma, he knows your insecurities and he knows your feelings on infidelity but he’s pushing anyway. You have valid fears that he’s pushing down because they’re an inconvenience to him. If he’s already super secretive chances are he’s already cheating and just trying to loop you in so you can’t hold it against him when you find out. He’s stressed that you’re going to find out about the other girls so he’s trying to backdate your permission. This marriage is not salvageable at all and the longer you try to save it the more you’re putting yourself at risk of screwing yourself financially. Put your finances on lock and get the hell out.
It sounds like you likely had reservations before you said I do! Things don't typically get better after marriage. It usually intensifies the issues wading under the surface.
The fact that he waited until after you were married to bring this up to you means he was planning this the whole time so that it get harder for you to leave. Get an annulment due to him lying about being monogamous. He never intended to be faithful to you, he just hoped you’d feel desperate enough to try to save such a new marriage that you’d agree to it. He knew your past and still tried to lock you into an open marriage against your will, he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you enough to only want you. He’s a fraud
Run for the hills. Pay an attorney to figure out an annulment for you. Find a good therapist in anticipation of the shock of all this wearing off in a week or two. Be kind to yourself.
Get an annulment, but I’d also start to ask yourself what it is that you find so attractive in these types of men that you keep winding up with them. If you see a pattern in your personal life, it’s worth exploring.
Get those divorce papers, girl. IF he’s not cheating now (which he may be), he eventually will. None of this contributes to a healthy marriage and will ultimately end in divorce anyway…. I’m sorry.
Sounds like he “ bait & switched” you. Definitely grounds for an annulment
A week after marriage he wants to open it? I don't think this IS salvageable. Sorry..
He may have already been "seeing" these people before you got married. From your description of the scenario that's what it seems like.
Don’t get divorced, get it annulled. I’m a divorce attorney. Save yourself the headache and kook at this option.
Hate to tell you this but he’s secretive because he’s cheating on you and probably wants to invite the person he’s cheating with into the “open” marriage that he wants. Divorce his sorry ass, you’re way too good for that!
He just asked you " can I cheat on you officially this time " but in a different way cause he's a jerk! And definitely he's been cheating on you this whole time so literally RUN.
Get this marriage annulled and move on. He’ll cheat on you too so cut your losses now.
You are still young. Divorce and move on. If you are not into open marriage, it is unlikely that you will be happy in one. Divorce and give yourself time to find a man who wants only you.
Annulment! This example is why that option exists.
Yeah, you gotta leave him, he's not a real man.
Damnnn. What the fuck. Lil Girl, he is already cheating on you . . . .
Translation: He’s already cheated and he’s trying to cover his tracks. Get an annulment.
💯 is already sleeping with other people, cut him loose
Oh my god, OP, I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. That’s nightmarish. I can only imagine the strife you’re under. Get an annulment. This man is manipulating you, and married you to trap you. You ARE enough- good enough, desirable enough, all of that. He is the one with the issue. I wish you peace and healing, OP.
Tbh you should tell him you will never be open to swapping partners or threesomes and if he wants to stay married then he should give his phone password and change his secretive ways. If he doesn’t let him know you will divorce him.
Annulment, divorce, doesn’t matter, just contact an attorney and make plans to end this marriage.
Is it possible to annul the marriage? You may not have to go through a divorce if this is the case. If I were you I would do it. He waited for y’all to be married to ask you because he knew you’d be more likely to say yes or look past it since y’all are now married. That would have been so hurtful to hear from someone who just made vows to love you.
OP, it sounds like you were the safe bet unfortunately. Probably wanted the security of a marriage while still acting single. So sorry this is happening to you, but fortunately it's truly never too late AND you're in your mid 20's still. Atp, literally anybody is a better option
Get a lawyer and have it annulled for fraud and infidelity. He defrauded you as a BF. BF who become spouses do not get married then want to open it before the ink is dried on the marriage certificate. BF are not secretive. Tell him goodbye and good riddance.