Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"No thank you, I'd rather not have a wedding at all than have a halfassed one. You can save on the costs and merely throw a single celebration for those two instead."
Going through with the wedding won’t be earning you brownie points anyway.
Just cancel. “The current plans are too chaotic and I think the family will be happier concentrating their efforts and resources on the other wedding. I’m perfectly fine with not having a makeshift wedding. We are married and that is our important thing.”
Why would you do a wedding for your husband when his family hates you? What are either of you getting out of this? Honestly it sounds like your relationship with your in laws is a lost cause, stop trying to appease them.
OP,
It's time the message is sent. expressly: announcing that you will not be belittled, and hence, will not participate. It is better your husband makes that pronouncement.
His family presents as a passive-aggressive group. Your husband appears better served being low contact here. I sense there's a golden child, and it's not your husband.
They’re both the golden child, but add his wife to that list, too, and exclude me.
I just don’t know what to say because ultimately I will be looked down upon. I lose either way I feel like. Stuck between just sucking it up for my husband’s happiness vs not putting myself through this.
At the end of the day, your husband will NOT be happy. When his light bulb finally goes off, he will see how you both have been discounted by his family.
If the only way for your husband to be happy is by you sucking up the poor treatment his family dish out to you, then you have a different problem entirely.
Look to your husband. He should care about how you feel too.
Maybe do one yourselves in 5 years or so and do it how YOU and HE want, with his parents nowhere near the planning.
If they already hate you why are you even marrying into that family?
Leave and save yourself the pain. It will not get better, it’s their chose to make things shit, and that’s not gonna change even with a ring or ceremony
She should book herself a ticket home.
I don’t see this changing so long as they’re living there with his family so involved in their lives.
They’re a collectivist culture, making him behave in a more individualistic way whilst still being there won’t work.
This is why you don’t let people who have shown they don’t like you throw a wedding for you.
It will never be for good reasons but another way for them to show they don’t like you.
Does your husband pretend he doesn’t see this?!
He won’t be happy.
He’s spineless and has left you to the wolves. Go home. Therapy to help you process the grief of this ending and work on advocating for yourself more, so you never again give up everything, your home, your support network and family for a man who expects you to eat shit from his family so HE can be happy.
He’s supposed to be making you happy too.
You sound so so sad. Staying there won’t help.
They just steamrolled your wedding for some joint party?
Why don't you two refuse to dovows at this party and wear flamboyant vibrantly colored outfits like las.vrgas shoe girls and a costume party all rolled into you two just having fun.
However, get some of your friends and family on the list and tell them about your counter-party plan. I'd help you by showing up in something crazy and flamboyant.
You both can also just book a trip elsewhere.
That’s essentially what I’m going to have him tell them tomorrow. They can have it. I’d rather not have one at this point if they’re just going to steal it from us.
They live in Japan and the wedding would be in Japan. She was told she couldn't even invite her family, but now the sister in law is inviting her people from the US. Did you read the post?
I just don’t think any of this is that big of a deal. Lots of people gathered together means ceremonies get shoved into a smaller timeframe. There’s bigger things in life to worry about
I'd tell them that you don't plan on going if it's for the other couple as well. It's selfish of them to try and have two weddings on the same day. They might say you are ungrateful but you aren't.
How is this even supposed to work? Are you sharing ceremony and reception facilities? Are you sharing guest lists? Or are people in his family literally going to one wedding, dancing at a reception, cutting cake, and then going to second and doing it all over again?
Sharing, it seems like…..
They can all speak Japanese (I can’t) and nothing was mentioned to me, or husband at the time of planning about them having one..
After we left, I’ve been seeing in the chats, I saw the marriage registry for the ceremony/ies and it had them on it and us (same day), his mother is asking her if she wants this and that, talking about who from her family is coming.. nothing about me and my husband…
I asked him last night after he got home if they’re now having a wedding same day and he goes, “I guess so”.. (he works 15 hours a day so he can’t always be in the loop.)
Yeah. I’m going to have to talk with them. He’s a door mat when it comes to his family and work, so, I don’t have much confidence in what will become of this.
Seems like a massive mistake to marry somebody who can’t even manage their own family and refuses to set boundaries. I wouldn’t tie yourself legally to somebody who refuses to fight for you.
I couldn’t get past she’s not allowed to invite her own guests because she’s not paying for it. Seems like it’s less of two people uniting and more of her just joining him.
Ahh I see in the comments OP said she’s white, but I’m not sure if they’re the same nationality.
Her SIL speaks Japanese though I think, which makes it easier for her.
It sounds like you have moved to Japan. Be wary about having children because you will never be able to leave with your children. If you are unhappy think twice about if this is the life you want to live. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes love leaves you trapped. If you are really miserable see if he is willing to move back to where you are from.
I have. And oh, yeahhhhhh. He is baby hungry but I’m not giving them to him until he gives me himself. On top of this, we’re battling him and his work situation right now. Which is now leading us to move back to his home town (which means his family will have more control over him.) So everything is kind of a mess and I’m not very happy.
You need to wait until this has played out at the very least.
If he won't stick up for you, and is being pulled into his family more, you need an option to escape the hellhole it will become.
You also need to make it clear to him what YOU want so there's no arguement. If he dismisses your concerns, you need to think about your future.
It's really simple. Advise him that his family has insultingly excluded you from all plans. As a result, you will not be participating. It almost appears their planned arrangement is being done to demean and belittle you; underscoring your insignificance in the family. Husband needs to wake up.
OP, this is bizarre. Who would actually come to this for your BIL and treat it like an actual wedding? If I got an invitation for this, and they didn’t call it an anniversary party and were instead calling it a wedding celebration, I would think these people had lost their minds. Especially if they were expecting to have a registry and gifts.
Me too. How does a couple who have been married for years need a wedding registry as if they have nothing? This whole thing gets more and more bizarre with each comment.
Is this a cultural thing? In the US we’re very much “the bride is a princess and the center of all attention” at weddings. But not all cultures are like that. It might be viewed more as a family gathering at which a wedding is occurring.
I do think it’s sus how her family is being invited and yours isn’t. That needs a lot more explanation. But I do understand that if no one really feels the wedding is super important, then why not make it a group event.
Well it’s not a wedding, it’s a celebration of a wedding and I agree that there may be some cultural issues. Also, it seems the husband told her she couldn’t invite anyone but maybe he didn’t ask and only went off an assumption?
I know I’ve had to run “cultural interference” at times and while I’m Asian (not Japanese), I do know that sometimes I have to caution people when they “demand” something of elders. Asking is usually the way, and they actually won’t say no, but it’s the act of going to them and asking for the thing you want.
I’m not sure, part of me thinks she should be asking on a sub that specifically deals in cross-cultural marriages or one more familiar with Japanese culture and traditions.
NTA for being upset and wanting to cancel but making assumptions or being reactive won't get you anywhere.
Seems like you need to have your husband step in to clarify things since he can speak the same language as everyone else. Send him a list of things you need clarified, tell him how it makes you feel to be excluded, and ask him to talk to his family.
To play devil's advocate, they might be planning a joint wedding to save money. It also might seem easier to them since family will already be around. Not excusing the fact that they're excluding you from planning but it might be because you don't speak Japanese?
Wow, that's a tough spot to be in. I'd feel the same way – wanting the day to be special and not overshadowed. Maybe try talking to your husband and see if he can suggest having their wedding on a different day. It’s your day too, and it’s okay to want it to feel unique and special for you both. Good luck!
Thank you, I appreciate your comment. I feel like that’s the only viable thing to do, ask them to at least have on different days (we’ll be where we’re at for 3-4 days), otherwise yeah. If that’s not possible, do what the other commenter suggested. Say they can save on costs and just let them have theirs instead, and we’ll just be guests.. it’s just a shame since it’s so close to our actual wedding date (as it was supposed to be for US.)
First you need to deal with your husband. It's his family, so he should be the one to set boundaries. They're testing you and you're failing. That needs to stop now.
I'd personally leave the group chat - with or without saying something. "Since this is no longer about us, I'll leave you to it."
INFO: Have you spoken to the brother and his wife?
The plans for them to now have a wedding on our day just came up yesterday in the texts. They didn’t even ask or say anything. They just started asking her about shit his brothers wife wanted, etc. so I haven’t talked to them yet. It seems already too late since they’re moving super fast with planning.
It’s not too late, the planning can go ahead and the BIL and SIL can get married and you can say no thank you.
If husband really wants a wedding you can DIY it.
Then put in the chat that you're not ok with this being a joint party, and that you will have your own one at a latter date, maybe the same day as the funeral of the mother?
Get in the family chat and say: “Oh! I see that we’ve shifted from OUR wedding to BIL/SIL wedding! Fantastic. So Husband and I are now guests. That takes a lot of pressure off of me. Is there a particular color scheme that SIL wants family to wear?”
And really just let that sit there like a turd in a punch bowl.
At the end of the day, you didn’t want a wedding like this, your family can’t attend and your husband is a “go along to get along” kind of guy.
The trick here is to give zero fucks, and to be impeccably polite.
Now you’re off the hook for [the Bride’s letter to her new family.](https://www.theknot.com/content/japanese-wedding-traditions) just have some money to give the couple and enjoy the day as a guest
Don’t go. Or turn up in jeans and a tee-shirt with a six pack of beer. This whole situation stinks. It sounds like the family doesn’t really want you to be part of the family and your husband isn’t standing up to them. Honestly if I was in your position I’d file divorce papers then hop on a plane back to the USA.
From your comment, it seems that, your in-laws don't like you & would prefer your husband to marry someone who is Japanese.
This wedding (where most guests would be Japanese) seems to be an attempt to annoy/hurt/insult you rather than celebrate your wedding.
The wedding will celebrate the 'ideal' couple (brother & wife). Placing you next to them would help to highlight how much better the 'ideal' couple is, alongwith the extended family.
If you are in a wedding, it should be a wedding that matches your expectations.
I don't know why you would join a wedding that satisfies the expectation of people who dislike you. If your husband supports such a wedding, why are you even married to such a person?
I wouldn’t show! Wth!!!! This is a great insult! Call them out for their insult! Publicly!
Ridiculous and mean. They are not worthy of your attention or participation. And your husband doesn’t stand for you guys? Who are you with?
What does this part mean?
>my husband told I probably couldn’t have anyone come for me since his family is traditionally supposed to pay
Why would you not be allowed to have anyone from your family come?! You say your husband is a doormat, but why on earth would you move forward with a wedding when you're not be allowed to have anyone that you know come?!
It’s supposed to be a close-knit wedding. His family loves his brothers wife and her family. Idfk. I’m confused myself. Since he said his family is supposed to pay. As of now, it sounds like her parents, brother and uncle are coming. Idk who is ultimately going to pay for her family anymore. But either way. I don’t feel comfortable with all them there. For “my” wedding, it’s literally just me and no one else.
It shouldn't matter who is paying though. Its a wedding to celebrate the marriage between you and your husband. You should have friends and family there. I don't know of any wedding where one side didn't have anyone there. I think you need to really stick with this one. This is really showing that his family doesn't care about you, and you nees to really stand up for yourself. You also need to have your husband prove that he can dtand up for you too. If he can't why would you be married?
I'm a guy, and even I can see how messed up this whole situation is. Honestly, they probably just wanted an excuse to throw your bil and sil a wedding.
You need to think long and hard if this is the family you want to marry into with a door mat for a husband.
You said you don’t want one, you’re basically doing it for your husband, which is nice. But since you were reluctant, don’t let that mindset put you a little over the edge of just tossing it away completely because his family is being insensitive. Fight for the day for your husband.
But I do wonder how he feels about it? Is he willing to not have one since it seems like his sibling is overshadowing it?
Would he be willing to move it? or put his foot down and tell them it’s supposed to be a day for the two of you?
It’s very hard. Because if I did have one, I wanted it to be special. This is not special. I won’t have anyone there for me. It’s going to be all his and his brothers/his wife’s people so that makes it worse. Considering it’s shifting into it being a wedding for them instead, it feels like a waste, especially with that being close to our actual wedding day. Even if they had their wedding the next day, it wouldn’t be fun for me because again, focus is shifting onto them instead and cutting into our time. This was supposed to be our vacation and our wedding. So, the whole thing just feels ruined already.
My husband, being who he is, doesn’t care because he’s kind of a pushover and does whatever makes his family happy, which has been an ongoing issue I thought we moved past. Being that this was suppose to be special for us, it’s just disappointing.
This is so sad. He'll do whatever his family wants which is incredibly disrespectflu to you. But he doesn't seem to care about you, his wife, the person who should be his #1.
Yeah. No. OP you should try to get the marriage annulled. This will only get worse. He's treating you like a doormat.
If you want an ok relationship with your in-laws, husband has to be the one having these discussions with his family. If he won't, then it's a glimpse into what the future and your life together holds for you.
Sorry.
Everyone is saying, “this is what your life will be like.” I know that. I understood things are going to be real stupid at times because of his family. I chose to marry my husband because I love him. I can cut undeserving people off easily, so I don’t care about his family. It just makes things difficult because I will never bar him from his family, I know how much they mean to him. He’s too kind, always wants to please everyone, so I know situations like this can be a dilemma for him as well. Nonetheless, I wish he would take my side when it matters most. It’s been a problem he’s working on, it’s a deep seeded cultural thing.
Good for him doing the work, even if it's baby steps. And good for you, sticking up for the both of you. Cultural differences often require a lot of understanding and compromise, and it seems the two of you are doing the work needed.
If it were me I'd just not show up on the date, and if they ask why , just tell them you thought the wedding was for the other two , since you weren't allowed to have any say so or invite any guests. But I'm petty af and damaged beyond fixing
I was in a similar situation to OP. Ex was Korean, and I am European. In-laws wanted a wedding so they could collect “congratulatory money” and wanted it fast and cheap. They pushed my ex to have it and he did not resist it. I did not want to go through with it as I couldn’t have any friend or relative over. My parents barely made it to the ceremony. It was not the wedding that I would have wanted and I felt like I was being treated like a puppet. If I raised any voice, they would insult me and tell me “this is Korean culture, suck it up”. So yeah… it was one of the reasons why we eventually split up. Talk to your husband and see if he agrees to back out.
It’s not your wedding if you have no say in it, and you’re under no obligation to attend anyone else’s event.
I’m sorry you’re in this position, but just let your husband know you are not attending that event.
It kinda sounds to me that they wanted a wedding for the other couple, not op and husband. But telling them they could get married at that time was to ensure that the brother attended the other wedding. Just my take.
You could very well be correct.
The brief conversation I had with my husband is that, maybe they did this so we could all share in the moment of becoming a family.
I still don’t like that though. That’s not what was proposed when I agreed to have a wedding.
Talk to your husband. Tell him you want to move the wedding date to a time when you can have your family involved too. Since the in-laws are already paying for a wedding, it’s not like they would be out any monies they’ve spent. He can tell them that you’ve always really wanted to have friends and family but didn’t want to turn down their generosity but seeing how they are having another wedding the same day, they aren’t really out anything.
It just pisses me off. His brothers wife and them have always declined to have a wedding. This is our first time/back together and we just got married (by paper) so it’s OUR TIME to have a wedding, something my husband really wanted. So, is disappointing to think we may have to reschedule OUR wedding for so they can have one they never wanted. This was scheduled close to the time of our wedding/anniversary so this is just sad.
It is better for the elder sibling to get married before the younger sibling in Asian culture. Also, weddings are for the family to announce to others that their kids are having families, at the same time to socialize with important people, it’s very different from Western. It’s not really a celebration of love. It’s especially not an event for brides to enjoy all the attentions. In Chinese there’s a saying 双喜临门 (double the happiness coming to your door), so two weddings at the same day is seen as good (double the happiness). Personally I would be thrilled to get married at the same day with my siblings (but I don’t have any siblings). You are saying that “it’s for my husband” but this is what HIS family wants. What your husband’s opinion on this? Personally, as an Asian I would not marry any person that doesn’t want to learn about my culture. Maybe you should pause about the plan of the marriage and think it through first, because there will be much more hassles in the future if you have not thought about what family means for Asians (hint: not just you and him and your children, but about everyone in his and your original and extended family. For Asians, when we get married we not only marry the person, but their whole family, so we choose our partner very carefully based not only the person we are going to marry but on their family too).
I was hoping someone with weigh in on how different the customs can be in cross-cultural marriages.
I’ve been to a few weddings where siblings were married on the same day, and they’ve always been beautiful wonderful occasions. I can see where she’s disappointed that she can’t invite her family, but she could always ask, I can’t imagine they’d say no, even if it’s traditional.
Talk it over with husband. You’re doing his for him, you want him to be happy. Tell him your concerns, see if he has any, tell him you will support him.
We’ve been separated for awhile and just united as we’re from two diff countries. We’re still fresh so it’s like we haven’t been married yet. It’s more pretend for his brother/his wife as they’ve been together for several years. I just feel they’re doing me dirty like always. But thanks for the input.
Your parents are probably wanting to “bless yall” and be inclusive while also saving as much as they can on the cost.
I can see the frustration. Don’t want to any feeling with mom and dad.
Take some wisdom of Muad'dib:
"She who can destroy a thing, controls a thing."
Gonna be real funny if your husband is standing at the ceremony alone to marry his own right hand.
You have a husband problem. He's allowing his family to hurt you and demean you. Also? They shouldn't have offered to throw you a wedding g if they can't afford to host anyone from your side. So be very magnanimous and let them know that since they are *so poor* you'll just keep it quiet "in the family" and graciously let the wedding be for the other couple.
Girl you say you're American? Channel your inner mean Southern Girl Cheerleading Captain and bless their hearts. They want to be passive aggressive you return that with a bright eyed bushy tailed Kill Em With Kindness.
A wedding isn’t a 4 person celebration. His parents are out of line here, you can’t make it 2 weddings expecting you the original one who had a wedding first planned to half ass their day for another woman to marry her man, which is your husband’s brother. Plus you can’t have anyone come? Hell no. Your husband is a pushover and you got to be the villain and say “No. this is mine and my husband’s day not both of your sons day to get married. I don’t want you to pay for it if my family doesn’t come or can’t attend. There is no way I’m allowing that kind of logic. I’m the main person who was going to marry MY husband.”
“It’s a tradition in your family to only have one wedding a year so the luck will be focused on the couple. You hate to break tradition and bring bad luck to either couple”
“Sharing a wedding day is not acceptable in my culture.”
“My job has a major thing on that day. Sorry”
*No* is a full sentence.
No, DH - I'm not attending this "wedding"
No, DH - we just reconciled after our separation. A "wedding" is way too early. Let's wait a couple of months/years to see if we're *really* compatible.
No, DH - your mom has no right to alter the plans
By separated, I mean we were long distance, I had to go back to my country. I just reunited with him a month ago after a year.
And his parents are planning/paying for the wedding so I feel like there’s nothing I can do. Again, I’m not ungrateful but had I known they were going to change it to a dual wedding I would have said no.
>And his parents are planning/paying for the wedding so I feel like there’s nothing I can do.
His parents are doing this precisely *because* it'll make you feel like there's nothing you can do. They are deliberately bullying you, and they are relying on social norms to trap you in this situation.
But you have *all* the power, because nothing you do will actually change their minds. Be nice to them? They'll think you're not good enough for their son. Tell them to go fuck themselves? They'll think you're not good enough for their son.
I think you should send them a simple message telling them you will not be attending the celebration and tell your husband in no uncertain terms to pull his finger out of his arsehole and deal with his family.
Your attendance/cooperation is the one piece of leverage you have in this situation, but it's a big one.
As others have said, your husband NEEDS to be the one to deal with this. You need to make it clear that's non-negotiable.
Nope. I wouldn't agree at all. Either two separate weddings or only his brother is having one. What's the point to having weddings now, when everyone is married and has been for years? I can see a vow renewal, but a full on wedding?
I agree. He just got home and I told him to send them a message that we will postpone our wedding if they want to have theirs instead (I’m not happy about it, but I’d rather have no wedding at this point if that’s the fucking case.)
I’d just explain that you won’t be there, but you hope he, his brother, and sis in law have a wonderful time. Then go do a self care weekend. Updateme.
I told him to send a message tomorrow double confirming what they’re plan is for sure, then send the message we will postpone ours so they can have theirs instead (not that I want to, I’m pissed because we’re the newlyweds, not them, not only that, I wanted this location, and it’s close to our actual anniversary, so, I guess they getting to fucking steal it all..)
Seem like you made up your mind. It won't be too bad , just treat it like a show, see what tricks they are prepared for you. Good thing you don't involve your family in this.
As a guest, I'd be pretty annoyed spending my time and money on a fake wedding.
If I were you and your husband, if I agreed to anything it'd be a "party to celebrate the couple(s)". And I wouldn't be concerned about not being the favorite (unless the parents were outright rude).
Talk to your husband and have him talk to your parents. I have a lot of Japanese family members and to me this sounds like miscommunication. Like maybe the parents think that you don't really care to have a wedding so they're focusing on the other couple that suddenly seems interested.
With my family, if they didn't like you there would be NO offer for a wedding.
Na, not a miscommunication at all. My husband was the one had had his heart set on it the most. Then me. His brother and his wife had declined a wedding for years. There was absolutely no mention of them piggybacking and ultimately stealing our wedding when we talked about this. It only changed AFTER we left.
I am so sorry you and your husband are being treated like this. The Japanese side of my family can be very passive aggressive but they would never be this public with their cruelty. That side is obsessed with appearing perfect in public.
>(my husband told I probably couldn’t have anyone come for me since his family is traditionally supposed to pay…...
Honestly, getting the husband is the problem vibes here. Probably? What does probably mean? Did he ask them? Did you ask them?
What does he say about all this?
Be firm yet polite regarding something you would like regarding prep/ceremony
Do you have family in the States that would like to see you wed?
Then perhaps have one in US for your family like YOU want it and allow his mom to abroad, your new MIL-pamper you both (you and fh) a bit (her way- but sneak something in you both would like such as a massage for example ) and start off on right foot with his family/their traditions but pick your battles. Bigger ones ahead -children for example.
What does DH say? He knows mil best. Does he recommend you and DH sit the in-laws down and let them know that you’d like to have some input esp now that it’s turned into a grand event and family will be coming in from abroad? (?)
Congratulations and enjoy and have fun!! An exciting new chapter abroad.
Don’t bother. Let them have their wedding. You get to say how you want your wedding to be. You are not a dress up doll who poses while everyone else creates their fantasy.
Oh, I would make it all about me now that they have decided, without your consent, to add his brother and his wife. They may be throwing the event, but you were deceived in how it would play out.
Make sure to wear a flashy outfit and maybe even choreograph an extravagant dance with music that the in-laws would blush upon hearing. Do things as far from traditional as you can.
Shall try, wedding was supposed to be in November. They’ve already booked the majority of it and it’s only been like 3 days…. Will send a message out to the group chat tomorrow once I’ve figured out the best of wording I can do..
You could always say that you were never keen on having the wedding, but agreed because the family had not enjoyed a wedding for the brother, but now brother is having a wedding then they can enjoy that one!
Suck it up.
You willingly chose to marry a guy whose family you don’t get along with. You knew this info and still married into the family.
So now you accept the minor disrespect. I never understand people on Reddit who whine about their in-laws when they knew how it was gonna be.
So you knew you were going to jump in a pool.
When you jumped in, your clothes got wet.
Now you’re mad you have wet clothes? What?
When you marry someone, you marry their family.
I’m confused why you’re not getting my example. You knew this would happen, so how can you be annoyed?
Having 2 wedding couples in one wedding banquet is a good idea for guests.
They don't have to come twice.
Your husband should negotiate for some token guests for you (if you do want to invite guests).
You in your wedding fineries should be photographed and given to your parents.
what a terrible family to marry into. you’re already at a disadvantage, and they’re all looking to degrade you more. when u marry a man, you are marrying his family! sounds like they’re excited to get a Scapegoat 🐐
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"No thank you, I'd rather not have a wedding at all than have a halfassed one. You can save on the costs and merely throw a single celebration for those two instead."
Thank you. I know they’d probably hate me more than they do, but, I guess maybe I don’t care.
Going through with the wedding won’t be earning you brownie points anyway. Just cancel. “The current plans are too chaotic and I think the family will be happier concentrating their efforts and resources on the other wedding. I’m perfectly fine with not having a makeshift wedding. We are married and that is our important thing.”
Why would you do a wedding for your husband when his family hates you? What are either of you getting out of this? Honestly it sounds like your relationship with your in laws is a lost cause, stop trying to appease them.
OP, It's time the message is sent. expressly: announcing that you will not be belittled, and hence, will not participate. It is better your husband makes that pronouncement. His family presents as a passive-aggressive group. Your husband appears better served being low contact here. I sense there's a golden child, and it's not your husband.
They’re both the golden child, but add his wife to that list, too, and exclude me. I just don’t know what to say because ultimately I will be looked down upon. I lose either way I feel like. Stuck between just sucking it up for my husband’s happiness vs not putting myself through this.
At the end of the day, your husband will NOT be happy. When his light bulb finally goes off, he will see how you both have been discounted by his family.
If the only way for your husband to be happy is by you sucking up the poor treatment his family dish out to you, then you have a different problem entirely. Look to your husband. He should care about how you feel too. Maybe do one yourselves in 5 years or so and do it how YOU and HE want, with his parents nowhere near the planning.
If they already hate you why are you even marrying into that family? Leave and save yourself the pain. It will not get better, it’s their chose to make things shit, and that’s not gonna change even with a ring or ceremony
They’re already married. This is just the ceremony as they have only done the legal side without the wedding, if I’m understanding this correctly.
Oh shit, it’s right at the start…. Hopefully there’s enough time for annulment?
She should book herself a ticket home. I don’t see this changing so long as they’re living there with his family so involved in their lives. They’re a collectivist culture, making him behave in a more individualistic way whilst still being there won’t work.
This is why you don’t let people who have shown they don’t like you throw a wedding for you. It will never be for good reasons but another way for them to show they don’t like you. Does your husband pretend he doesn’t see this?!
Seems like it lol
Buy a ticket home. You can and do deserve better than this.
I’m going to have him read as much as this as possible.
He won’t be happy. He’s spineless and has left you to the wolves. Go home. Therapy to help you process the grief of this ending and work on advocating for yourself more, so you never again give up everything, your home, your support network and family for a man who expects you to eat shit from his family so HE can be happy. He’s supposed to be making you happy too. You sound so so sad. Staying there won’t help.
I’ve given up everything for him, not only to move here, but to visit him last time. Went through a lotta lotta shit.
They just steamrolled your wedding for some joint party? Why don't you two refuse to dovows at this party and wear flamboyant vibrantly colored outfits like las.vrgas shoe girls and a costume party all rolled into you two just having fun. However, get some of your friends and family on the list and tell them about your counter-party plan. I'd help you by showing up in something crazy and flamboyant. You both can also just book a trip elsewhere.
I think wedding supposed to your big day or just no wedding then 🙂↔️🙂↔️I don’t want to have half one 😂😂
Thank you. I haven’t seen one comment who would be happy about this scenario either.
Then let them, the wedding will set the tone for your relationship.
Why would you have a wedding when you can’t invite anyone and she can?? Absolutely not. Tell them nevermind they can give it all to those two.
That’s essentially what I’m going to have him tell them tomorrow. They can have it. I’d rather not have one at this point if they’re just going to steal it from us.
So they’re forcing you to celebrate you two as a couple, but now it’s not even about you two? So what’s the point in having it?
My thoughts exactly. I’m feeling pretty shit right now, for several reasons not exclusive to this.
Is this happening because there’s lots of relatives coming over from overseas for this? If so a double event makes sense and you need to chill
They live in Japan and the wedding would be in Japan. She was told she couldn't even invite her family, but now the sister in law is inviting her people from the US. Did you read the post?
That is correct. And it’s a small wedding even after the few people. It’s not for super extended family and friends.
I just don’t think any of this is that big of a deal. Lots of people gathered together means ceremonies get shoved into a smaller timeframe. There’s bigger things in life to worry about
I'd tell them that you don't plan on going if it's for the other couple as well. It's selfish of them to try and have two weddings on the same day. They might say you are ungrateful but you aren't.
Thank you. Definitely doesn’t feel good, that’s for sure.
How is this even supposed to work? Are you sharing ceremony and reception facilities? Are you sharing guest lists? Or are people in his family literally going to one wedding, dancing at a reception, cutting cake, and then going to second and doing it all over again?
Sharing, it seems like….. They can all speak Japanese (I can’t) and nothing was mentioned to me, or husband at the time of planning about them having one.. After we left, I’ve been seeing in the chats, I saw the marriage registry for the ceremony/ies and it had them on it and us (same day), his mother is asking her if she wants this and that, talking about who from her family is coming.. nothing about me and my husband… I asked him last night after he got home if they’re now having a wedding same day and he goes, “I guess so”.. (he works 15 hours a day so he can’t always be in the loop.)
But…again - how is that going to work? Husband needs to get involved here big time.
Yeah. I’m going to have to talk with them. He’s a door mat when it comes to his family and work, so, I don’t have much confidence in what will become of this.
Seems like a massive mistake to marry somebody who can’t even manage their own family and refuses to set boundaries. I wouldn’t tie yourself legally to somebody who refuses to fight for you.
I couldn’t get past she’s not allowed to invite her own guests because she’s not paying for it. Seems like it’s less of two people uniting and more of her just joining him.
In being walked over and treated like second best because she’s not the same nationality as them.
SIL is the same nationality as OP.
Ahh I see in the comments OP said she’s white, but I’m not sure if they’re the same nationality. Her SIL speaks Japanese though I think, which makes it easier for her.
They're already legally married, they just didn't have a "wedding" . No ceremony.
Why would you marry someone who wouldn’t stand up for you?
That's a REALLY bad sign. Are you okay with always coming second to his family? That isn't how marriage is supposed to work.
Nope. And I agree.
It sounds like you have moved to Japan. Be wary about having children because you will never be able to leave with your children. If you are unhappy think twice about if this is the life you want to live. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes love leaves you trapped. If you are really miserable see if he is willing to move back to where you are from.
I have. And oh, yeahhhhhh. He is baby hungry but I’m not giving them to him until he gives me himself. On top of this, we’re battling him and his work situation right now. Which is now leading us to move back to his home town (which means his family will have more control over him.) So everything is kind of a mess and I’m not very happy.
You need to wait until this has played out at the very least. If he won't stick up for you, and is being pulled into his family more, you need an option to escape the hellhole it will become. You also need to make it clear to him what YOU want so there's no arguement. If he dismisses your concerns, you need to think about your future.
Make sure you’re on birth control that cannot be tampered with.
Why did you marry him? Doesn't seem as if you even like him ,despite the family stuff.
lol marrying into this was a mistake
It's really simple. Advise him that his family has insultingly excluded you from all plans. As a result, you will not be participating. It almost appears their planned arrangement is being done to demean and belittle you; underscoring your insignificance in the family. Husband needs to wake up.
OP, this is bizarre. Who would actually come to this for your BIL and treat it like an actual wedding? If I got an invitation for this, and they didn’t call it an anniversary party and were instead calling it a wedding celebration, I would think these people had lost their minds. Especially if they were expecting to have a registry and gifts.
Me too. How does a couple who have been married for years need a wedding registry as if they have nothing? This whole thing gets more and more bizarre with each comment.
Is this a cultural thing? In the US we’re very much “the bride is a princess and the center of all attention” at weddings. But not all cultures are like that. It might be viewed more as a family gathering at which a wedding is occurring. I do think it’s sus how her family is being invited and yours isn’t. That needs a lot more explanation. But I do understand that if no one really feels the wedding is super important, then why not make it a group event.
Well it’s not a wedding, it’s a celebration of a wedding and I agree that there may be some cultural issues. Also, it seems the husband told her she couldn’t invite anyone but maybe he didn’t ask and only went off an assumption? I know I’ve had to run “cultural interference” at times and while I’m Asian (not Japanese), I do know that sometimes I have to caution people when they “demand” something of elders. Asking is usually the way, and they actually won’t say no, but it’s the act of going to them and asking for the thing you want. I’m not sure, part of me thinks she should be asking on a sub that specifically deals in cross-cultural marriages or one more familiar with Japanese culture and traditions.
NTA for being upset and wanting to cancel but making assumptions or being reactive won't get you anywhere. Seems like you need to have your husband step in to clarify things since he can speak the same language as everyone else. Send him a list of things you need clarified, tell him how it makes you feel to be excluded, and ask him to talk to his family. To play devil's advocate, they might be planning a joint wedding to save money. It also might seem easier to them since family will already be around. Not excusing the fact that they're excluding you from planning but it might be because you don't speak Japanese?
Wow, that's a tough spot to be in. I'd feel the same way – wanting the day to be special and not overshadowed. Maybe try talking to your husband and see if he can suggest having their wedding on a different day. It’s your day too, and it’s okay to want it to feel unique and special for you both. Good luck!
Thank you, I appreciate your comment. I feel like that’s the only viable thing to do, ask them to at least have on different days (we’ll be where we’re at for 3-4 days), otherwise yeah. If that’s not possible, do what the other commenter suggested. Say they can save on costs and just let them have theirs instead, and we’ll just be guests.. it’s just a shame since it’s so close to our actual wedding date (as it was supposed to be for US.)
No, don't ask for "at least". You won't feel good if you reach for the bare minimum.
Is your husband the younger son? Is he secondary?
Yeppppp.
First you need to deal with your husband. It's his family, so he should be the one to set boundaries. They're testing you and you're failing. That needs to stop now. I'd personally leave the group chat - with or without saying something. "Since this is no longer about us, I'll leave you to it." INFO: Have you spoken to the brother and his wife?
The plans for them to now have a wedding on our day just came up yesterday in the texts. They didn’t even ask or say anything. They just started asking her about shit his brothers wife wanted, etc. so I haven’t talked to them yet. It seems already too late since they’re moving super fast with planning.
It’s not too late, the planning can go ahead and the BIL and SIL can get married and you can say no thank you. If husband really wants a wedding you can DIY it.
Ugh. I'd leave the chat and tell hubby he has to inform them there won't be any wedding.
Then put in the chat that you're not ok with this being a joint party, and that you will have your own one at a latter date, maybe the same day as the funeral of the mother?
Politely decline having a wedding. Wish the new couple well and RSVP No.
Get in the family chat and say: “Oh! I see that we’ve shifted from OUR wedding to BIL/SIL wedding! Fantastic. So Husband and I are now guests. That takes a lot of pressure off of me. Is there a particular color scheme that SIL wants family to wear?” And really just let that sit there like a turd in a punch bowl. At the end of the day, you didn’t want a wedding like this, your family can’t attend and your husband is a “go along to get along” kind of guy. The trick here is to give zero fucks, and to be impeccably polite. Now you’re off the hook for [the Bride’s letter to her new family.](https://www.theknot.com/content/japanese-wedding-traditions) just have some money to give the couple and enjoy the day as a guest
This is the way 🙌
I'm just hung up on the fact that you wouldn't be able to have anyone from your side of the family.
I’m hung up on it all.
Don’t go. Or turn up in jeans and a tee-shirt with a six pack of beer. This whole situation stinks. It sounds like the family doesn’t really want you to be part of the family and your husband isn’t standing up to them. Honestly if I was in your position I’d file divorce papers then hop on a plane back to the USA.
From your comment, it seems that, your in-laws don't like you & would prefer your husband to marry someone who is Japanese. This wedding (where most guests would be Japanese) seems to be an attempt to annoy/hurt/insult you rather than celebrate your wedding. The wedding will celebrate the 'ideal' couple (brother & wife). Placing you next to them would help to highlight how much better the 'ideal' couple is, alongwith the extended family. If you are in a wedding, it should be a wedding that matches your expectations. I don't know why you would join a wedding that satisfies the expectation of people who dislike you. If your husband supports such a wedding, why are you even married to such a person?
I wouldn’t show! Wth!!!! This is a great insult! Call them out for their insult! Publicly! Ridiculous and mean. They are not worthy of your attention or participation. And your husband doesn’t stand for you guys? Who are you with?
Oh wow, I think you've nailed it. Ouch!
What does this part mean? >my husband told I probably couldn’t have anyone come for me since his family is traditionally supposed to pay Why would you not be allowed to have anyone from your family come?! You say your husband is a doormat, but why on earth would you move forward with a wedding when you're not be allowed to have anyone that you know come?!
It’s supposed to be a close-knit wedding. His family loves his brothers wife and her family. Idfk. I’m confused myself. Since he said his family is supposed to pay. As of now, it sounds like her parents, brother and uncle are coming. Idk who is ultimately going to pay for her family anymore. But either way. I don’t feel comfortable with all them there. For “my” wedding, it’s literally just me and no one else.
It shouldn't matter who is paying though. Its a wedding to celebrate the marriage between you and your husband. You should have friends and family there. I don't know of any wedding where one side didn't have anyone there. I think you need to really stick with this one. This is really showing that his family doesn't care about you, and you nees to really stand up for yourself. You also need to have your husband prove that he can dtand up for you too. If he can't why would you be married?
Tell them no thanks.
This is a sign of things to come. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?
I'm a guy, and even I can see how messed up this whole situation is. Honestly, they probably just wanted an excuse to throw your bil and sil a wedding. You need to think long and hard if this is the family you want to marry into with a door mat for a husband.
You said you don’t want one, you’re basically doing it for your husband, which is nice. But since you were reluctant, don’t let that mindset put you a little over the edge of just tossing it away completely because his family is being insensitive. Fight for the day for your husband. But I do wonder how he feels about it? Is he willing to not have one since it seems like his sibling is overshadowing it? Would he be willing to move it? or put his foot down and tell them it’s supposed to be a day for the two of you?
It’s very hard. Because if I did have one, I wanted it to be special. This is not special. I won’t have anyone there for me. It’s going to be all his and his brothers/his wife’s people so that makes it worse. Considering it’s shifting into it being a wedding for them instead, it feels like a waste, especially with that being close to our actual wedding day. Even if they had their wedding the next day, it wouldn’t be fun for me because again, focus is shifting onto them instead and cutting into our time. This was supposed to be our vacation and our wedding. So, the whole thing just feels ruined already. My husband, being who he is, doesn’t care because he’s kind of a pushover and does whatever makes his family happy, which has been an ongoing issue I thought we moved past. Being that this was suppose to be special for us, it’s just disappointing.
This is so sad. He'll do whatever his family wants which is incredibly disrespectflu to you. But he doesn't seem to care about you, his wife, the person who should be his #1. Yeah. No. OP you should try to get the marriage annulled. This will only get worse. He's treating you like a doormat.
If you want an ok relationship with your in-laws, husband has to be the one having these discussions with his family. If he won't, then it's a glimpse into what the future and your life together holds for you. Sorry.
Everyone is saying, “this is what your life will be like.” I know that. I understood things are going to be real stupid at times because of his family. I chose to marry my husband because I love him. I can cut undeserving people off easily, so I don’t care about his family. It just makes things difficult because I will never bar him from his family, I know how much they mean to him. He’s too kind, always wants to please everyone, so I know situations like this can be a dilemma for him as well. Nonetheless, I wish he would take my side when it matters most. It’s been a problem he’s working on, it’s a deep seeded cultural thing.
Good for him doing the work, even if it's baby steps. And good for you, sticking up for the both of you. Cultural differences often require a lot of understanding and compromise, and it seems the two of you are doing the work needed.
If it were me I'd just not show up on the date, and if they ask why , just tell them you thought the wedding was for the other two , since you weren't allowed to have any say so or invite any guests. But I'm petty af and damaged beyond fixing
I was in a similar situation to OP. Ex was Korean, and I am European. In-laws wanted a wedding so they could collect “congratulatory money” and wanted it fast and cheap. They pushed my ex to have it and he did not resist it. I did not want to go through with it as I couldn’t have any friend or relative over. My parents barely made it to the ceremony. It was not the wedding that I would have wanted and I felt like I was being treated like a puppet. If I raised any voice, they would insult me and tell me “this is Korean culture, suck it up”. So yeah… it was one of the reasons why we eventually split up. Talk to your husband and see if he agrees to back out.
That’s sad to hear. I’m sorry you went through what it seems I’m about to go through.
It’s not your wedding if you have no say in it, and you’re under no obligation to attend anyone else’s event. I’m sorry you’re in this position, but just let your husband know you are not attending that event.
It kinda sounds to me that they wanted a wedding for the other couple, not op and husband. But telling them they could get married at that time was to ensure that the brother attended the other wedding. Just my take.
You could very well be correct. The brief conversation I had with my husband is that, maybe they did this so we could all share in the moment of becoming a family. I still don’t like that though. That’s not what was proposed when I agreed to have a wedding.
Talk to your husband. Tell him you want to move the wedding date to a time when you can have your family involved too. Since the in-laws are already paying for a wedding, it’s not like they would be out any monies they’ve spent. He can tell them that you’ve always really wanted to have friends and family but didn’t want to turn down their generosity but seeing how they are having another wedding the same day, they aren’t really out anything.
It just pisses me off. His brothers wife and them have always declined to have a wedding. This is our first time/back together and we just got married (by paper) so it’s OUR TIME to have a wedding, something my husband really wanted. So, is disappointing to think we may have to reschedule OUR wedding for so they can have one they never wanted. This was scheduled close to the time of our wedding/anniversary so this is just sad.
It is better for the elder sibling to get married before the younger sibling in Asian culture. Also, weddings are for the family to announce to others that their kids are having families, at the same time to socialize with important people, it’s very different from Western. It’s not really a celebration of love. It’s especially not an event for brides to enjoy all the attentions. In Chinese there’s a saying 双喜临门 (double the happiness coming to your door), so two weddings at the same day is seen as good (double the happiness). Personally I would be thrilled to get married at the same day with my siblings (but I don’t have any siblings). You are saying that “it’s for my husband” but this is what HIS family wants. What your husband’s opinion on this? Personally, as an Asian I would not marry any person that doesn’t want to learn about my culture. Maybe you should pause about the plan of the marriage and think it through first, because there will be much more hassles in the future if you have not thought about what family means for Asians (hint: not just you and him and your children, but about everyone in his and your original and extended family. For Asians, when we get married we not only marry the person, but their whole family, so we choose our partner very carefully based not only the person we are going to marry but on their family too).
I was hoping someone with weigh in on how different the customs can be in cross-cultural marriages. I’ve been to a few weddings where siblings were married on the same day, and they’ve always been beautiful wonderful occasions. I can see where she’s disappointed that she can’t invite her family, but she could always ask, I can’t imagine they’d say no, even if it’s traditional.
Talk it over with husband. You’re doing his for him, you want him to be happy. Tell him your concerns, see if he has any, tell him you will support him.
A “wedding” after you’re already married is kind of a “pretend” event. Nobody but you actually cares. Just go with it or pay for your party.
We’ve been separated for awhile and just united as we’re from two diff countries. We’re still fresh so it’s like we haven’t been married yet. It’s more pretend for his brother/his wife as they’ve been together for several years. I just feel they’re doing me dirty like always. But thanks for the input.
Considering the long time apart, it’s not a pretend thing. I hope they come to their senses.
Thank you. Exactly. I’m not so hopeful but I guess we’ll see…
Your parents are probably wanting to “bless yall” and be inclusive while also saving as much as they can on the cost. I can see the frustration. Don’t want to any feeling with mom and dad.
Take some wisdom of Muad'dib: "She who can destroy a thing, controls a thing." Gonna be real funny if your husband is standing at the ceremony alone to marry his own right hand. You have a husband problem. He's allowing his family to hurt you and demean you. Also? They shouldn't have offered to throw you a wedding g if they can't afford to host anyone from your side. So be very magnanimous and let them know that since they are *so poor* you'll just keep it quiet "in the family" and graciously let the wedding be for the other couple. Girl you say you're American? Channel your inner mean Southern Girl Cheerleading Captain and bless their hearts. They want to be passive aggressive you return that with a bright eyed bushy tailed Kill Em With Kindness.
A wedding isn’t a 4 person celebration. His parents are out of line here, you can’t make it 2 weddings expecting you the original one who had a wedding first planned to half ass their day for another woman to marry her man, which is your husband’s brother. Plus you can’t have anyone come? Hell no. Your husband is a pushover and you got to be the villain and say “No. this is mine and my husband’s day not both of your sons day to get married. I don’t want you to pay for it if my family doesn’t come or can’t attend. There is no way I’m allowing that kind of logic. I’m the main person who was going to marry MY husband.”
Thank you
It's called a special day for the bride, not brides . It won't have the same feeling so no thanks
“It’s a tradition in your family to only have one wedding a year so the luck will be focused on the couple. You hate to break tradition and bring bad luck to either couple” “Sharing a wedding day is not acceptable in my culture.” “My job has a major thing on that day. Sorry”
*No* is a full sentence. No, DH - I'm not attending this "wedding" No, DH - we just reconciled after our separation. A "wedding" is way too early. Let's wait a couple of months/years to see if we're *really* compatible. No, DH - your mom has no right to alter the plans
By separated, I mean we were long distance, I had to go back to my country. I just reunited with him a month ago after a year. And his parents are planning/paying for the wedding so I feel like there’s nothing I can do. Again, I’m not ungrateful but had I known they were going to change it to a dual wedding I would have said no.
>And his parents are planning/paying for the wedding so I feel like there’s nothing I can do. His parents are doing this precisely *because* it'll make you feel like there's nothing you can do. They are deliberately bullying you, and they are relying on social norms to trap you in this situation. But you have *all* the power, because nothing you do will actually change their minds. Be nice to them? They'll think you're not good enough for their son. Tell them to go fuck themselves? They'll think you're not good enough for their son. I think you should send them a simple message telling them you will not be attending the celebration and tell your husband in no uncertain terms to pull his finger out of his arsehole and deal with his family.
Thank you. You’re not wrong.
Your attendance/cooperation is the one piece of leverage you have in this situation, but it's a big one. As others have said, your husband NEEDS to be the one to deal with this. You need to make it clear that's non-negotiable.
In our culture, immediate members of the family marrying on the same year, much more the same day(!!!), is bad luck to put it lightly. :///
I’m very upset. I think a marriage is to celebrate the union of two people, not a ceremony for a union of an entire family.
Nope. I wouldn't agree at all. Either two separate weddings or only his brother is having one. What's the point to having weddings now, when everyone is married and has been for years? I can see a vow renewal, but a full on wedding?
I agree. He just got home and I told him to send them a message that we will postpone our wedding if they want to have theirs instead (I’m not happy about it, but I’d rather have no wedding at this point if that’s the fucking case.)
I’d just explain that you won’t be there, but you hope he, his brother, and sis in law have a wonderful time. Then go do a self care weekend. Updateme.
I told him to send a message tomorrow double confirming what they’re plan is for sure, then send the message we will postpone ours so they can have theirs instead (not that I want to, I’m pissed because we’re the newlyweds, not them, not only that, I wanted this location, and it’s close to our actual anniversary, so, I guess they getting to fucking steal it all..)
Is sibling rivalry a big thing in this family? The timing seems very suspicious.
The timing is very fucked up, They change their mind after YEARS, and decide, “I want it on THEIR day.” Fucked. I’m pissed.
Asian in law, good luck to your marriage. You marry a doormat, you will pay the price.
Yeahhhh, I know. I love him, regardless of his family. Hopefully as we get older he will grow more into the man he needs to be for his wife. .
Seem like you made up your mind. It won't be too bad , just treat it like a show, see what tricks they are prepared for you. Good thing you don't involve your family in this.
Have they explained why SIL will have guests and you won't? Are they paying for their travel? Why not yours?
Everyone's already married. Tell your husband and his family the wedding ship has sailed, and maybe you'll throw an anniversary party in the future.
It certainly has, and they’re trying to shanghai our ass.
As a guest, I'd be pretty annoyed spending my time and money on a fake wedding. If I were you and your husband, if I agreed to anything it'd be a "party to celebrate the couple(s)". And I wouldn't be concerned about not being the favorite (unless the parents were outright rude).
Talk to your husband and have him talk to your parents. I have a lot of Japanese family members and to me this sounds like miscommunication. Like maybe the parents think that you don't really care to have a wedding so they're focusing on the other couple that suddenly seems interested. With my family, if they didn't like you there would be NO offer for a wedding.
Na, not a miscommunication at all. My husband was the one had had his heart set on it the most. Then me. His brother and his wife had declined a wedding for years. There was absolutely no mention of them piggybacking and ultimately stealing our wedding when we talked about this. It only changed AFTER we left.
I am so sorry you and your husband are being treated like this. The Japanese side of my family can be very passive aggressive but they would never be this public with their cruelty. That side is obsessed with appearing perfect in public.
>(my husband told I probably couldn’t have anyone come for me since his family is traditionally supposed to pay…... Honestly, getting the husband is the problem vibes here. Probably? What does probably mean? Did he ask them? Did you ask them? What does he say about all this?
Be firm yet polite regarding something you would like regarding prep/ceremony Do you have family in the States that would like to see you wed? Then perhaps have one in US for your family like YOU want it and allow his mom to abroad, your new MIL-pamper you both (you and fh) a bit (her way- but sneak something in you both would like such as a massage for example ) and start off on right foot with his family/their traditions but pick your battles. Bigger ones ahead -children for example. What does DH say? He knows mil best. Does he recommend you and DH sit the in-laws down and let them know that you’d like to have some input esp now that it’s turned into a grand event and family will be coming in from abroad? (?) Congratulations and enjoy and have fun!! An exciting new chapter abroad.
I don't think this is unusual or offensive in Japanese culture...
I do. I ain’t ever seen anyone here have a double wedding.
I have 🤷🏽♀️
Don’t bother. Let them have their wedding. You get to say how you want your wedding to be. You are not a dress up doll who poses while everyone else creates their fantasy.
Oh, I would make it all about me now that they have decided, without your consent, to add his brother and his wife. They may be throwing the event, but you were deceived in how it would play out. Make sure to wear a flashy outfit and maybe even choreograph an extravagant dance with music that the in-laws would blush upon hearing. Do things as far from traditional as you can.
Updateme
Shall try, wedding was supposed to be in November. They’ve already booked the majority of it and it’s only been like 3 days…. Will send a message out to the group chat tomorrow once I’ve figured out the best of wording I can do..
UpdateMe!
You could always say that you were never keen on having the wedding, but agreed because the family had not enjoyed a wedding for the brother, but now brother is having a wedding then they can enjoy that one!
WTF? Your wedding, you invite your family.
Suck it up. You willingly chose to marry a guy whose family you don’t get along with. You knew this info and still married into the family. So now you accept the minor disrespect. I never understand people on Reddit who whine about their in-laws when they knew how it was gonna be.
I did know this. Don’t make it fucking right either way. Disrespect is disrespect.
So you knew you were going to jump in a pool. When you jumped in, your clothes got wet. Now you’re mad you have wet clothes? What? When you marry someone, you marry their family. I’m confused why you’re not getting my example. You knew this would happen, so how can you be annoyed?
Having 2 wedding couples in one wedding banquet is a good idea for guests. They don't have to come twice. Your husband should negotiate for some token guests for you (if you do want to invite guests). You in your wedding fineries should be photographed and given to your parents.
[удалено]
what a terrible family to marry into. you’re already at a disadvantage, and they’re all looking to degrade you more. when u marry a man, you are marrying his family! sounds like they’re excited to get a Scapegoat 🐐