Anything that makes you feel less confident makes you worry so much about yourself that you can't easily connect with others.
Try to relax, and realize that sometimes the other people don't have great skills either. They may seem to be doing great socially, but they only talk to certain people. They're comfortable with their clique, but not anyone else.
The most freeing thing about realizing this is that is not always a "you" problem, but a "they" problem.
Ive recently kindof adopted this mindset but it just doesnt feel right to blame my social failures on other people. it feels like I should be able to create good conversation with anyone
>The most freeing thing about realizing this is that is not always a "you" problem, but a "they" problem.
It also feels extremely isolating when you realise the majority of people are too generic for you to fit with.
One day it hit me that if I make any choices out of fear or shame, I'm holding myself back and delaying my own adult life. Like it actively began to piss me off, so every time I feel the instinct kick in and my brain starts looking to circumnavigate people or situations or hangouts, and make up excuses to not have to deal with anything, I check myself and think, "Are these legitimate reasons not to do this, or am I just scared?" 99% of the time, I have no good reason NOT to do it.
I needed to hear this... our gym has a mini get together on 14, was invited but am scared to go there and be awkward or lost since most of the members going already have their clique going and I don't have anyone i can talk to properly yet.
It’s all it really comes down to. Socializing is a skill and needs practice. Anxiety can get it in the way but you can’t let it control you and you need to put the work in
If I ever have a moment where I’m ‘awkward’ or stumble socially I always make sure to walk away from the situation with an ‘oh well, that happened’ attitude and just having compassion for myself. Most of the time, people (if they’re decent) just don’t care if you have an awkward moment. I’ve learned it happens to pretty much everybody, even the most socially adept! That helped a lot and generally took the pressure off.
To me, when you say "artificially lowering the bar" you're acknowledging it as socially acceptable.
Social skills are are a learning process where we make mistakes and mistakes are ok. There's nothing artificial about acknowledging that everyone has social blunders. We just learn from them.
Being compassionate means, "well that was awkward, but whatever everyone has their moment" and not "wow that was terrible you need to stop embarrassing yourself all the time" talk to yourself like a loving and caring friend. Not your harshest critic.
I’m not sure how lowering the bar is viewing it “socially acceptable”?
When I am out there, I set a bar to myself that I need to perform social skills. I try to remember things I read here or books and not fall into my own intuition (which is proven wrong). If I managed to find occasions I did it, I consider a success.
I often get into dilemma where I don’t where to set the bar. Do I lament myself for doing something wrong once? Not very healthy. Do I pat myself on the back after doing one thing I was recommended trying and call it a day? That’s not going to make it into a habit either. There’s a line between self compassion and challenging oneself
Not that I’m like that every day consciously tho, but it’s on back of my mind, and occasionally I intentionally try to put things people recommended to work
I mean it sounds like you view acceptance of mistakes as inherently delusional and not socially acceptable.
Most people do embarrassing things. Sometimes a lot of people we see with good social skills still get embarrassed. It's just a part of being human.
Social skills are just not being a jerk. If you get right down to it. The only bar you should be holding is to not be rude for nothing.
Like engaging in reciprocal conversations. Knowing when to redirect away from heavy subjects. Knowing when it's not the time to joke. Knowing when it's time to laugh and be positive. Knowing when not to force relationships and knowing when to push through to be there for someone.
And yeah you do call it a day. It's not a bad habit or excuse if you're being mindful to change it.
Hm I wonder why I come across like that. I certainly don’t think mistakes is delusional and unacceptable. Actually I think the opposite, claiming success is embarrassing. Situation like I’m claiming success on something mundane and basic would be an embarrassment to myself, like not being awkward and come across as a jerk. I don’t know when to call completion, and call it a day because there will always be improvement (this is less about social skills tho, more about other life skill like wearing a contact or doing a certain sport)
I honestly just learned to stop caring. It's easy to think that everybody hates you by default when you view yourself as the main character of your own world. But the truth is that not only do most people not give a shit, a good portion of the population feel the exact same fears and anxieties about socialization as you do.
The more I go along life, the more I realize that we're all kinda faking it in our own ways, and even if some people do come across as really confident and secure, in their own minds they are also just trying to wing it.
I started smiling and laughing more :) I smile a lot throughout the day. It makes me feel more relaxed, and it makes people perceive me as more sociable.
When I suck at small talk, as long as I suck at with a smile, nobody leaves the encounter feeling weird.
^^^^^^ that one is the biggest tip I think
A couple other things I did after smiling boosted my confidence:
I figure out what things make ME happy when I socialize. I like making people smile, so I just try to be kind.
I feel confident and happy when I’m honest w people. I lie as little as possible. Etc etc
I got used to people thinking I’m awkward or judging me. Our brains just think it’s scary, but when it happens enough your brain is like “oh okay this is fine”
That being honest thing helped me a lot. You feel confident and have more respect for yourself and other people start to respect you too. Its hard at first because being honest is risky. But in the end the good outweighs the bad.
Basically I saw a quote from an article that amounted to: if you want the rewards of being loved, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. and I realized that by playing it safe and not reaching out or trying new things in conversations and risking rejection from others, I was hiding myself from the positive side of the risk and it amounted to loneliness. safety, but loneliness. so whenever i think to say something/reach out and then would shut it down, i make it a point to say it. hope this actually helped and wasn't r/thanksimcured material.
Heres a very minor example:
You’re at the supermarket and you walk by a customer who’s wearing a shirt you like and you want to say “Hey nice shirt” However, you know saying this, although irrelevant in the long run, involves a certain level of risk because you dont know how they will react and no one wants to have a negative interaction with anyone. Best case scenario, you talk to them for a bit or they just say “Thank you!” Worst case scenario they say nothing and maybe give you a dirty look. However, you will never know unless you’re willing to take the risk and interact.
Grind it like it's a video game level. Attempt, adjust, attempt, adjust, attempt, adjust.
My final approach is lots of active listening and periodic heartfelt comments.
for me it’s a mental block, so my brain goes blank in most social situations. i’ve been getting better with it by having a more positive mindset. i always think to myself “no one cares, if they do they’re the weird one”. also if you’re feeling at all social, go socialize with someone asap even if it’s just “practice”.
I always dreaded social gatherings with people would skip them whenever I could. At the same time I also wished I could socialize and make more friends/asked my one extroverted best friend “how do you do it?”
As it turned out, I had generalized anxiety disorder and needed SSRIs + start exercising more, which made me stop worrying and made social interactions a snap. Just started to authentically “being myself”, because all of that quiet panic had dissipated and I wasn’t having to think about what I was doing/saying anymore.
I had an easy roadway into being socially adept. Basically I had previously isolated at home for about 5 years, and my social skills went to poop.
I was lucky enough to have a brother who is part of the "cool guys circle", and he literally took me under his wing and taught me how to be cool/normal. This means he would take me on his weekend parties, or social gatherings, or pretty much everything in his social schedule that I could be part of. It still took about 2 years of him watching me in social situations and then correcting me after every cringe thing that would happen. I could always tell it was a bit weird for him to take his older brother with his friends, but thankfully all his friends are cool like him so they never made me feel awkward or out of the circle.
It was hard at the beginning getting out and being social, but the extra pressure at the beginning helped more long term.
In high school I was pretty awkward. I'm in my head a lot. Once I'm in a conversation I do pretty good. But getting there can be tough.
Now I'm a high school teacher. I spend all day standing in front of groups of kids talking. The thing I realized most is that everyone is awkward. Everyone.
Know that one super cool jock kid. I watched him have a breakdown when a joke didn't land. That mega confident girl. I'v heard her complain about how hard she has to work just to make friends.
We are all the same. Everyone struggles. Knowing that makes it a lot easier for me. Some people are just better at faking it.
Observed people. Took a lot of mental notes. And just threw myself into situation after situation after situation until it started to get easier.
Edit: and learned how much people love to make others laugh. When in doubt making sure someone sees you laugh at their joke is an instant way to make them soften toward you, pretty much no matter the situation.
This might be a weird answer that won’t apply to everyone but I watch a lot of comedy shows and kinda just studied how characters would interact with each other
I used to be so fearful of what people were thinking of me. Especially in groups. I would stop talking completely as I genuinely felt I didn't have anything of value to say and didn't want to become a bother. Slowly, I just stopped caring so much and found my own voice. I was still very socially inept, but I was lucky enough to have made very good friends who were the complete opposite. I learnt from them unconsciously and tried to treat every interaction I had as a practice of sorts. I reflected on this quite a lot, and many of the reasons I felt the way I did are due to little traumas I picked up when I was younger. Bullying in school etc. That shit really sticks with you and hides itself deeply.
I started working on my karma. I figured that self hate is a direct consequence of bad karma. Gotta increase it.
I cannot make friends wherever I go where strangers are yet, but at the party or networking event no problem.
Stop caring what others think of you. Be kind. Ask questions. Listen and follow up with questions. Smile. Share your experiences, but don't give advice unless directly asked.
Stop worrying about being interesting and more of taking an interest in others. Granted have your own hobbies and interests but learn to take an interest in others because what do people like to talk about the most? Themselves
I'm not sure how or why but I went from being the guy that no one cared if I was there or not, to a popular guy. New friends actually call now to do things.
Before (years ago), I was always welcome but if I wasn't there, no one missed me. Now, for some unknown reason, the "party" seems to start when wifey and I get there. People actually want to talk whit me and want me/us to sit with them. I just don't get it.
All of a sudden, at 65, we're making up for a lot of lost time. Our group of 20+ friends ranges between 40 and 75, I really wish that I knew what changed in me. (Wifey has always made friends, but not like this).
I’m wondering if what changed in you was mainly that you found a more appreciative friend group who values you. Maybe you have less of an insecure attitude now, or maybe you simply had crappy “friends” before.
This is literally the worst advice you can give.
I don't mean to disparage you. It's because a lot of us here don't really know what that means and it tends to be unhelpful. It's like telling a depressed person "stop being sad! cheer up!"
1:I started going to the gym and getting fit.
2: I realised that people generally return what you do for , you meet someone new, next time you see them, smile and if it is not inappropriate get out of your way to say hi and don't over do it tho, you don't want to be trying to chit chat someone while they are on their way to the toilet or they late for class.
working in retail and foodservice, however since i started working from home ive pretty much lost all the social skills i gained from the excessive isolation 😳
Realize that it's just another skill like anything else. You can get good at it. You just need to put yourself out there and fail many times. But in the end you will be happy you did.
Read books like how to make friends and influence people and apply the knowledge one by one.
Also start small. Try to talk to people who's job it is to talk to you, like sales, cash register people, etc. Then just keep leveling up. Fail, fail, and fail again. Think about areas you could improve (but just try one area) and get better. Your confidence will improve over time and you'll find it easier.
Also remember you have an invaluable gift you can share, and that's your genuine interest in people. That'll help you get you out of your head.
Still trash, just care less. Look for my people instead of trying to mirror so much.
Helps me to go to places that are interest/activities based. Like… topgolf or arcades or game nights. I’m better when I have a task or activity. Sometimes just talking is confusing cause I don’t have a clear objective to work towards. Idk if that makes sense. But given a focus, I think less about the social interaction and it more relaxed and natural.
I got badly bullied and realized that some people are going to hate me just for existing. People don't need a reason, so it is useless to worry and feel that anxious. I got humiliated so many times in front of others that I kind of got used to it. It doesn't hurt me anymore because I know I am strong enough to survive it. I just dgaf about mean people like that. I would rather enjoy my life.
Take constructive feedback from people who you love and trust.
Take constructive feedback from workplaces in which you have a good relationship.
Build and make positive friendships that help you build confidence.
Get rid of friendships that are openly hostile and mean.
Honestly for me, taking theatre classes and lots of after work/school activities really helped me. Kind of just throwing myself into it.
Do a lot of self reflection on what you could've done better in conflict with people.
That's about it.
Oh! Also just not thinking in such black and white thinking. Having compassion and empathy and realizing that when you get to know people one on one, they'll really suprise you with their stories.
A part of this is not taking so many things personally and learning to let things go.
I find alot of awkward interactions with people who have poor social skills are people not adapting pro-social behavior. It's also subjective. What might be acceptable somewhere may be heinous somewhere else. lol.
Mean people are just as socially awkward and self loathing as anyone else. They agonize over it privately and try cook up ways to retaliate. It's very weird.
If you listen to extroverted people, they are also awkward in that they constantly cross the line with what they say or have poor boundaries. They also agonize over what they do.
So, whatever you're agonizing over people aren't thinking about it, unless they're the type to ruminate over weird things. Lol. In which case they're awkward and weird in a malicious way.
Oh! Also just not thinking in such black and white thinking. Having compassion and empathy and realizing that when you get to know people one on one, they'll really suprise you with their stories.
A part of this is not taking so many things personally and learning to let things go.
I find alot of awkward interactions with people who have poor social skills are people not adapting pro-social behavior. It's also subjective. What might be acceptable somewhere may be heinous somewhere else. lol.
Mean people are just as socially awkward and self loathing as anyone else. They agonize over it privately and try cook up ways to retaliate. It's very weird.
If you listen to extroverted people, they are also awkward in that they constantly cross the line with what they say or have poor boundaries. They also agonize over what they do.
So, whatever you're agonizing over people aren't thinking about it, unless they're the type to ruminate over weird things. Lol. In which case they're awkward and weird in a malicious way.
First try to understand WHY you feel socially awkward. Therapy may help with this.
Are you shy and socially anxious? Or do you readily jump into situations, but find that people don't respond the way you had hoped?
For me, it is a matter of getting out of my own head and focusing intuitively on what the other person is experiencing, but that may not work if you struggle to identify emotions or facial expressions in others.
I still struggle with making small talk, but only in certain situations.
My greatest trigger for social anxiety is being afraid that I will embarrass myself in front of someone that I love or admire, or that I will embarrass them.
What helped me was practicing the art of conversation in situations where the stakes are not so high.
I chatted with people online, and tried to really feel where they were coming from, while also being real and authentic in my own expression.
I started making small talk with random people in public places, like cashiers at the grocery store.
Most people respond extremely well to a sincere compliment or an astute observation.
If you’re looking for Objective communication skills. I’d say Vinh Giang has some great tips and tactics. His YouTube is great enough. I wouldn’t pay for the online course it’s not worth the thousand followers asking price
https://youtube.com/@askvinh
What worked for me was taking a sales job at a large corporate gym. Turned out I was half way decent at the job and eventually worked my way up to a sales manager. It boosted my confidence and studied sales passionately. You learn to have conversations, build rapport, build trust amongst many other things. That job along with a wonderful mentor changed my life.
I need to mention that I was the shy kid that sat in the back of class. Head down when teachers asked questions. I had friends but weren't super close to anyone and felt awkward in social situations. Also just absolutely terrible with the ladies. Safe to say I've been able to turn it all around. I'm engaged, own a business, and I'm comfortable meeting new people and holding conversations. Working on becoming a better sales person was the biggest game changer for me.
No need of therapy or courses. Raw dog it and just talk to random people yourself. One thing that helped me was because of my travel for work situation. I’m basically forced to talk and meet to my co workers.
Discord with friend who introduced me to his other friends worked too. If you are already thinking of taking courses or therapy, you are already thinking too much of it. All of those courses will tell you the same thing, go talk to people.
What’s the worse that could happen? Nothing.
Weirdly enough, I’m pretty sure getting a job as a cashier at a busy restaurant helped a lot. It forced me to practice talking CONSTANTLY, but in a very structured way (food transactions tend to follow a simple formula), while still giving me freedom to occasionally push out of said structure and engage in quick small talk at my discretion.
Keep going to places where you meet new people all the time and won't see them again. Experiment by talking to everyone. Accept that you won't be able to please everyone because who cares since you won't see them again anymore anyway, right? Over time, you'll see what works and what doesn't.
A lot of "exposure therapy" and failures, followed by journaling those failures so the next time a similar situation came up I would know what to do/say.
The things that worked for me are always things that the 'good' reddit people would never give as advice.
For instance:
1. Say some bigoted shit sometimes, people find it funny and relatable.
2. Join in on spreading rumors and talking behind the back of othes, this improves bonds and alliances.
3. Fake being interested in peoples bullshit stories, they don't know the difference and are ignorant to you being annoyed by their clinginess.
People are shit, so join in on the shit if you want to be social. Hard workers and goody two shoes just get laughed about.
My error was always being too principled and expecting the same from others. Only leads to frustration and alienation.
Number 1 usually works in blue-collar working groups, but can backfire immensely in many other contexts. Pretty risky and stupid advice. Number 2 is a good way to make friends with people who do the exact same shit about you when you’re not around. Number 3 is useful when dealing with people in a large group you aren’t particularly close with but tolerate, but it’s terrible advice for making close friends.
yeah it’s such bad advice for a subreddit called r/socialskills, yeah it can help but giving 0 context on the benefits of drugs and just saying “do it” is dangerous
Lmao that would help them be more talkative for sure. I enjoyed mdma, just don't think it's sound advice for solving long term social problems. Maybe while you're on it you'll be social. but therapy is going to work better in the long run
Observe what others do -> puzzle out the context behind it -> engage in social interactions and repeat the learned behavior.
If fail, withdraw for a bit (not too long) and work over what went wrong without overthinking or staying butthurt about it.
If pass, yay! Replicate the behavior in different situations to see what works everywhere and what doesn't.
The key is persistence, and not staying mad about failure. Yes, socialization is stupidly intricate and weird, but that's nobody's fault. Get mad or sad or frustrated, allow yourself to be upset, but don't *stay* that way. Let yourself get upset (without blaming others), then pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try again, as many times as it takes until you're content.
Maybe I should have clarified. I’m not afraid of social situations, I just don’t enjoy them. But I’d like to get better at being being social for those times when it’s unavoidable or (even better) learn to enjoy social situations more.
I’ll put this as an edit to the original post.
I worked on myself, I think it’s all about confidence. Lost weight, starting going to the gym, wearing nicer clothes. Revamped my self image into someone who I would think others would want to talk to and be around.
Just keep practicing, putting yourself out there (without overly exhausting yourself), no matter how hopeless it seems. "Never give up" tell yourself. Eventually inertia kicks in, you ask yourself "Well I'm not going to NOT talk to these people, I'm already involved with them, it would be douchey to ignore them" and eventually you actually start getting better, and you'll have moments where you just fucking hate yourself, but inertia keeps you going.
The Book, How to Talk to Anyone, gives great tips to improve social interactions. Having a game plan can make social events more enjoyable. It helped me anyway, simple tips but very effective.
Some books like "how to win friends and influence people" can be a good starting point past that it's forcing yourself to interact. I took jobs doing tele-sales and door to door sales to make ends meet when travelling, both forced me to be more sociable and comfortable talking to strangers. Honestly most people don't really give a shit what you're talking about when it comes to small talk if you can just come off as polite and charming, it's all practices and facade 🤷♂️ oh and force yourself into public speaking, presentations within the company you work for whatever just be somewhat comfortable standing up infront of a group and chatting it's not all that scary when you realize barely anyone's listening, we're all focused way more on how people perceive us than perceiving others.
I've read plenty of books the only way you will improve socially is actually getting out and surrounding yourself with funny outgoing people. Basically to learn from.
The first major breakthrough for me was realizing that being quiet and nervous wasn't some grand secret like I was making it out to be. The more I tried to hide it, the more obvious it was like someone trying to hide behind a thin pole.
Next, I started picking things up from people around me.
I thought just that wasn't good coming up with jokes but the most social person I know showed that she cared about things going on in other people's lives.
So I got out of my own head, started being more friendly, laughing and smiling with people, and the jokes/ conversation just started flowing naturally once I became more comfortable.
Plus, it's a bit harder for me to build a connection with people later on after meeting them so I try to start off friendly.
Of course not everybody gets along but this way I've found it's at least easier to give them a chance.
Turns out I love being social.
What are the things that make you uncomfortable in these situations?
for me..I spend 1 week in a social place, didn't talk at all and just studied everyone there. the qay they speak and engage into conversations. After that I researched what people do usually to have fun. in the end, I managed to practice those things on my own. I started going out little by little with 1 person I knew or by myself. After a while it became easier to go out. I still hate socialising and would pick a video game or book over going outside. but it helped to go out sometimes just to not forget how nice the outside is. also traveling alone is great. ur on your own so you have to adapt to a new environment without pressure. that worked for me and I got to see great places.
Basically I practiced. Being social online helped a lot.
I also started picking out role models to emulate and people to avoid becoming: what do socially adept people talk about, for example? What do dislikable people do?
At first I just blindly followed the lead of likeable people and blindly avoided acting like people who others don't like, but over time started to build an internal handbook consisting of a few rules for likeability. Eg rules like "don't force people into too many situations where they have to express an emotional reaction at risk of looking rude".
when I was a child I used to scream if kids touched me or talked to me up until early grade school lmfao. I was an only child and grew up around only adults. sports semi helped to where I wasn’t screaming but ehh. I feel like I became super comfortable in social settings when I started doing debate. I know this may sound odd. Try going to Toastmasters meetings if they have any in ur area. Its gonna put you on the spot in front of strangers, but you’re all there for similar reasons. You’ll be able to improve your communication skills on all levels. I feel like mastering effective communication is what truly made me comfortable. I don’t have a lot of issues like most people have speaking to others, and I have no issues with confrontation. I spent most of my high school years doing it and it has been the most useful skillset I ever got in grade school.
That gotta be me. I am really really introverted
So even tho i failed hard, and looked very strange and stupid, i never gave up, always trying to talk to people.
Then i realized than im introverted and i can never change that. Now im a god at making other people talk and me just listening. The secret is to not feel anxious. Asking the right questions and talking to as many people as possible. If you dont have what to say, just laugh it off and maybe tell people haha this is a little akward and continue to talk to other people. That same person then respects you and will 90% come to talk you later and bonding is easy then.
Secondly, you should know when you are being respecrful and others are not, as when you are anxious, you always blame yourself, but most of the time people are assholes and want to act better than you. Ignore those people, they then want to be friends with you(i dont respect them anymore and dont want those people near my life)
1st- join a Toastmasters club. These help people to not have not make better presentations, yet also how to respond to unexpected queries & Visit several…3-4 x before joining.
Next…
"How to win friends and influence people" and "The Charisma Myth" are two really good books.
How to win friends points out that "everyone is the hero in their own story, even death row inmates think highly of themselves", so be kind and don't point out others mistakes.
The Charisma Myth is about how to show charisma. The book makes the point that they can't tell you how to walk/talk/act, but what the book does is show how your internal state is picked up on by other people. Imagine two sports players walking into a press conference. One just won the championship, and one just lost. Without audio, could you tell who won and who lost?
Of course you could. Smiles, how they walk, how they sit, how they grab their water bottle, eye contact with the crowd...
It's the same with Charisma.
Show up to a social occasion and act like a scared person, people will pickup on that and treat you appropriately.
Show up to a social occasion and pretend (like that God/Kharma/Fate/FSM/Your Dog/Thor has ordained that all your actions at that occasion will have no bad repercussions, you're just free to be 'you' with no consequences. If you have a "I can't lose" mindset walking in, your body posture, smiling, eye contact will be different, and others will pickup on that.
The only thing that works: real life practice.
I was lucky enough to meet someone with whom I could talk and see regularly so I slowly got better.
If you join a sport club or any other places that let you interact with people regularly I'm pretty sure it will help you get better.
The only advice I could give you is that if you want things to start, you should be the one to take the initiative, often people lose a lot of chances because they didn't have the courage to expose themselves, so to maximize your chances be the one with the initiative. Maybe something will be born from that or not, see how the other party reacts and decide if the chase it's worth it.
Good luck!
i sucked socially because i didn’t have confidence. imo social skills aren’t really something you learn from a course or a book. it’s something that’s important you learn through experience, especially since everyone’s environments are different. social skills aren’t a one size fits all thing, it depends on who you’re interacting with and what kind of people they are
I got a job that forced me to interact with multiple people multiple times every day. At first it was horrible and I was a sweaty mess but over time it became second nature to interact with people and now I have almost no issues walking up to people to introduce myself and have a convo. Mind you, I’m not an expert and I struggle here and there. I just remind myself that sometimes I don’t click with people and that’s fine, no fault on me.
I’ve learned that being comfortable and happy with yourself is so important. When you enjoy your own company everything and everyone else becomes less important. If they add to your happiness good, if not then you still got you and that’s more than enough. I used to feed off energies. If I saw a mean or unhappy face then my attitude would change and that brought me down. I made THEM more important. Not no more I’M WAY MORE IMPORTANT!!! I matter!!!
22M.. in all honesty I just started talking to people around me more and after graduating high school I started to see improvement in my social skills upon starting college. Now that I'm a senior in college, I can say that I've improved so much by simply engaging people in small talk and saying hello to people in class, around campus, etc
Social skills are built like a muscle by increasing reps, volume, etc
Probably not the answer hopes for but what really helped me was traveling alone, especially internationally, and staying in hostels with lots of other people who want to meet and mingle. Since then I’ve realized a few things about people generally and also about myself… a lot of the rules we believe we have to follow are fairly arbitrary and change from country to country. And, you don’t have to be everybody’s person. There are people you’ll vibe better with than others, and that’s okay…
If I understand correctly. I stopped worrying what others think of me and just worried about myself and allowing others to see how imperfect I was. Prior I put up mirrors and only allowed people to see what was good and tried to dress to their ideal image which was totally uncomfortable for me so I was awkward AF for lack of better words. Now I dress like I want, I show off my extra skin, I lost a lot of weight, so under clothes I seem perfect but in tank tops and shorts it’s not quite as pretty. I’ve learned to be more confident in my own skin. I believe this is the reason my social circle of girlfriends has increased from 0 to 100 over the last few years.
Anything that makes you feel less confident makes you worry so much about yourself that you can't easily connect with others. Try to relax, and realize that sometimes the other people don't have great skills either. They may seem to be doing great socially, but they only talk to certain people. They're comfortable with their clique, but not anyone else. The most freeing thing about realizing this is that is not always a "you" problem, but a "they" problem.
Ive recently kindof adopted this mindset but it just doesnt feel right to blame my social failures on other people. it feels like I should be able to create good conversation with anyone
Can’t win ‘em all!
I meant there are just some people who won't like you or want to talk to you even before you say anything. So sometimes you have to give up on them.
Fuck im not problematic enough to fit in.
Shit this might be my problem too
>The most freeing thing about realizing this is that is not always a "you" problem, but a "they" problem. It also feels extremely isolating when you realise the majority of people are too generic for you to fit with.
One day it hit me that if I make any choices out of fear or shame, I'm holding myself back and delaying my own adult life. Like it actively began to piss me off, so every time I feel the instinct kick in and my brain starts looking to circumnavigate people or situations or hangouts, and make up excuses to not have to deal with anything, I check myself and think, "Are these legitimate reasons not to do this, or am I just scared?" 99% of the time, I have no good reason NOT to do it.
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bingo
I needed to hear this... our gym has a mini get together on 14, was invited but am scared to go there and be awkward or lost since most of the members going already have their clique going and I don't have anyone i can talk to properly yet.
Literally just practiced. Talked to people at work, talked to people at meetups, and then was able to randomly talk to people anywhere.
It’s all it really comes down to. Socializing is a skill and needs practice. Anxiety can get it in the way but you can’t let it control you and you need to put the work in
If I ever have a moment where I’m ‘awkward’ or stumble socially I always make sure to walk away from the situation with an ‘oh well, that happened’ attitude and just having compassion for myself. Most of the time, people (if they’re decent) just don’t care if you have an awkward moment. I’ve learned it happens to pretty much everybody, even the most socially adept! That helped a lot and generally took the pressure off.
Having compassion for yourself is a big one.
How do you tell from being self compassionate and artificially lowering the bar to feel good?
To me, when you say "artificially lowering the bar" you're acknowledging it as socially acceptable. Social skills are are a learning process where we make mistakes and mistakes are ok. There's nothing artificial about acknowledging that everyone has social blunders. We just learn from them. Being compassionate means, "well that was awkward, but whatever everyone has their moment" and not "wow that was terrible you need to stop embarrassing yourself all the time" talk to yourself like a loving and caring friend. Not your harshest critic.
I’m not sure how lowering the bar is viewing it “socially acceptable”? When I am out there, I set a bar to myself that I need to perform social skills. I try to remember things I read here or books and not fall into my own intuition (which is proven wrong). If I managed to find occasions I did it, I consider a success. I often get into dilemma where I don’t where to set the bar. Do I lament myself for doing something wrong once? Not very healthy. Do I pat myself on the back after doing one thing I was recommended trying and call it a day? That’s not going to make it into a habit either. There’s a line between self compassion and challenging oneself Not that I’m like that every day consciously tho, but it’s on back of my mind, and occasionally I intentionally try to put things people recommended to work
I mean it sounds like you view acceptance of mistakes as inherently delusional and not socially acceptable. Most people do embarrassing things. Sometimes a lot of people we see with good social skills still get embarrassed. It's just a part of being human. Social skills are just not being a jerk. If you get right down to it. The only bar you should be holding is to not be rude for nothing. Like engaging in reciprocal conversations. Knowing when to redirect away from heavy subjects. Knowing when it's not the time to joke. Knowing when it's time to laugh and be positive. Knowing when not to force relationships and knowing when to push through to be there for someone. And yeah you do call it a day. It's not a bad habit or excuse if you're being mindful to change it.
Hm I wonder why I come across like that. I certainly don’t think mistakes is delusional and unacceptable. Actually I think the opposite, claiming success is embarrassing. Situation like I’m claiming success on something mundane and basic would be an embarrassment to myself, like not being awkward and come across as a jerk. I don’t know when to call completion, and call it a day because there will always be improvement (this is less about social skills tho, more about other life skill like wearing a contact or doing a certain sport)
Forced myself to do a job that required me to interact with my peers. Worked as a learning/teaching assistant at my university.
I suspect in about 6 months the answer is going to be “I ran a bunch of social scenarios through ChatGPT and had it tutor me on my social skills”
Or "I used ChatGPT [on a date](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChatGPT/comments/135kxob/the_best_use_case_ive_seen/)"
I honestly just learned to stop caring. It's easy to think that everybody hates you by default when you view yourself as the main character of your own world. But the truth is that not only do most people not give a shit, a good portion of the population feel the exact same fears and anxieties about socialization as you do. The more I go along life, the more I realize that we're all kinda faking it in our own ways, and even if some people do come across as really confident and secure, in their own minds they are also just trying to wing it.
I started smiling and laughing more :) I smile a lot throughout the day. It makes me feel more relaxed, and it makes people perceive me as more sociable. When I suck at small talk, as long as I suck at with a smile, nobody leaves the encounter feeling weird. ^^^^^^ that one is the biggest tip I think A couple other things I did after smiling boosted my confidence: I figure out what things make ME happy when I socialize. I like making people smile, so I just try to be kind. I feel confident and happy when I’m honest w people. I lie as little as possible. Etc etc I got used to people thinking I’m awkward or judging me. Our brains just think it’s scary, but when it happens enough your brain is like “oh okay this is fine”
That being honest thing helped me a lot. You feel confident and have more respect for yourself and other people start to respect you too. Its hard at first because being honest is risky. But in the end the good outweighs the bad.
Taking more risks when interacting seems to have helped
Would you mind giving an example?
Basically I saw a quote from an article that amounted to: if you want the rewards of being loved, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. and I realized that by playing it safe and not reaching out or trying new things in conversations and risking rejection from others, I was hiding myself from the positive side of the risk and it amounted to loneliness. safety, but loneliness. so whenever i think to say something/reach out and then would shut it down, i make it a point to say it. hope this actually helped and wasn't r/thanksimcured material.
Heres a very minor example: You’re at the supermarket and you walk by a customer who’s wearing a shirt you like and you want to say “Hey nice shirt” However, you know saying this, although irrelevant in the long run, involves a certain level of risk because you dont know how they will react and no one wants to have a negative interaction with anyone. Best case scenario, you talk to them for a bit or they just say “Thank you!” Worst case scenario they say nothing and maybe give you a dirty look. However, you will never know unless you’re willing to take the risk and interact.
I'm slowly learning this.
Grind it like it's a video game level. Attempt, adjust, attempt, adjust, attempt, adjust. My final approach is lots of active listening and periodic heartfelt comments.
for me it’s a mental block, so my brain goes blank in most social situations. i’ve been getting better with it by having a more positive mindset. i always think to myself “no one cares, if they do they’re the weird one”. also if you’re feeling at all social, go socialize with someone asap even if it’s just “practice”.
I always dreaded social gatherings with people would skip them whenever I could. At the same time I also wished I could socialize and make more friends/asked my one extroverted best friend “how do you do it?” As it turned out, I had generalized anxiety disorder and needed SSRIs + start exercising more, which made me stop worrying and made social interactions a snap. Just started to authentically “being myself”, because all of that quiet panic had dissipated and I wasn’t having to think about what I was doing/saying anymore.
I had an easy roadway into being socially adept. Basically I had previously isolated at home for about 5 years, and my social skills went to poop. I was lucky enough to have a brother who is part of the "cool guys circle", and he literally took me under his wing and taught me how to be cool/normal. This means he would take me on his weekend parties, or social gatherings, or pretty much everything in his social schedule that I could be part of. It still took about 2 years of him watching me in social situations and then correcting me after every cringe thing that would happen. I could always tell it was a bit weird for him to take his older brother with his friends, but thankfully all his friends are cool like him so they never made me feel awkward or out of the circle. It was hard at the beginning getting out and being social, but the extra pressure at the beginning helped more long term.
Lucky
In high school I was pretty awkward. I'm in my head a lot. Once I'm in a conversation I do pretty good. But getting there can be tough. Now I'm a high school teacher. I spend all day standing in front of groups of kids talking. The thing I realized most is that everyone is awkward. Everyone. Know that one super cool jock kid. I watched him have a breakdown when a joke didn't land. That mega confident girl. I'v heard her complain about how hard she has to work just to make friends. We are all the same. Everyone struggles. Knowing that makes it a lot easier for me. Some people are just better at faking it.
Observed people. Took a lot of mental notes. And just threw myself into situation after situation after situation until it started to get easier. Edit: and learned how much people love to make others laugh. When in doubt making sure someone sees you laugh at their joke is an instant way to make them soften toward you, pretty much no matter the situation.
This might be a weird answer that won’t apply to everyone but I watch a lot of comedy shows and kinda just studied how characters would interact with each other
I went travelling alone, so I was forced to constantly meet new people. Lots of practice with no lasting effects because I’d move on to the next city
I used to be so fearful of what people were thinking of me. Especially in groups. I would stop talking completely as I genuinely felt I didn't have anything of value to say and didn't want to become a bother. Slowly, I just stopped caring so much and found my own voice. I was still very socially inept, but I was lucky enough to have made very good friends who were the complete opposite. I learnt from them unconsciously and tried to treat every interaction I had as a practice of sorts. I reflected on this quite a lot, and many of the reasons I felt the way I did are due to little traumas I picked up when I was younger. Bullying in school etc. That shit really sticks with you and hides itself deeply.
[https://socialself.com/blog/be-social-introvert/](https://socialself.com/blog/be-social-introvert/)
I started working on my karma. I figured that self hate is a direct consequence of bad karma. Gotta increase it. I cannot make friends wherever I go where strangers are yet, but at the party or networking event no problem.
Stop caring what others think of you. Be kind. Ask questions. Listen and follow up with questions. Smile. Share your experiences, but don't give advice unless directly asked.
Stop worrying about being interesting and more of taking an interest in others. Granted have your own hobbies and interests but learn to take an interest in others because what do people like to talk about the most? Themselves
I'm not sure how or why but I went from being the guy that no one cared if I was there or not, to a popular guy. New friends actually call now to do things. Before (years ago), I was always welcome but if I wasn't there, no one missed me. Now, for some unknown reason, the "party" seems to start when wifey and I get there. People actually want to talk whit me and want me/us to sit with them. I just don't get it. All of a sudden, at 65, we're making up for a lot of lost time. Our group of 20+ friends ranges between 40 and 75, I really wish that I knew what changed in me. (Wifey has always made friends, but not like this).
I’m wondering if what changed in you was mainly that you found a more appreciative friend group who values you. Maybe you have less of an insecure attitude now, or maybe you simply had crappy “friends” before.
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This is literally the worst advice you can give. I don't mean to disparage you. It's because a lot of us here don't really know what that means and it tends to be unhelpful. It's like telling a depressed person "stop being sad! cheer up!"
1:I started going to the gym and getting fit. 2: I realised that people generally return what you do for , you meet someone new, next time you see them, smile and if it is not inappropriate get out of your way to say hi and don't over do it tho, you don't want to be trying to chit chat someone while they are on their way to the toilet or they late for class.
Worked at a restaurant
working in retail and foodservice, however since i started working from home ive pretty much lost all the social skills i gained from the excessive isolation 😳
Realize that it's just another skill like anything else. You can get good at it. You just need to put yourself out there and fail many times. But in the end you will be happy you did. Read books like how to make friends and influence people and apply the knowledge one by one. Also start small. Try to talk to people who's job it is to talk to you, like sales, cash register people, etc. Then just keep leveling up. Fail, fail, and fail again. Think about areas you could improve (but just try one area) and get better. Your confidence will improve over time and you'll find it easier. Also remember you have an invaluable gift you can share, and that's your genuine interest in people. That'll help you get you out of your head.
Still trash, just care less. Look for my people instead of trying to mirror so much. Helps me to go to places that are interest/activities based. Like… topgolf or arcades or game nights. I’m better when I have a task or activity. Sometimes just talking is confusing cause I don’t have a clear objective to work towards. Idk if that makes sense. But given a focus, I think less about the social interaction and it more relaxed and natural.
I got badly bullied and realized that some people are going to hate me just for existing. People don't need a reason, so it is useless to worry and feel that anxious. I got humiliated so many times in front of others that I kind of got used to it. It doesn't hurt me anymore because I know I am strong enough to survive it. I just dgaf about mean people like that. I would rather enjoy my life.
Take constructive feedback from people who you love and trust. Take constructive feedback from workplaces in which you have a good relationship. Build and make positive friendships that help you build confidence. Get rid of friendships that are openly hostile and mean. Honestly for me, taking theatre classes and lots of after work/school activities really helped me. Kind of just throwing myself into it. Do a lot of self reflection on what you could've done better in conflict with people. That's about it.
Oh! Also just not thinking in such black and white thinking. Having compassion and empathy and realizing that when you get to know people one on one, they'll really suprise you with their stories. A part of this is not taking so many things personally and learning to let things go. I find alot of awkward interactions with people who have poor social skills are people not adapting pro-social behavior. It's also subjective. What might be acceptable somewhere may be heinous somewhere else. lol. Mean people are just as socially awkward and self loathing as anyone else. They agonize over it privately and try cook up ways to retaliate. It's very weird. If you listen to extroverted people, they are also awkward in that they constantly cross the line with what they say or have poor boundaries. They also agonize over what they do. So, whatever you're agonizing over people aren't thinking about it, unless they're the type to ruminate over weird things. Lol. In which case they're awkward and weird in a malicious way.
Oh! Also just not thinking in such black and white thinking. Having compassion and empathy and realizing that when you get to know people one on one, they'll really suprise you with their stories. A part of this is not taking so many things personally and learning to let things go. I find alot of awkward interactions with people who have poor social skills are people not adapting pro-social behavior. It's also subjective. What might be acceptable somewhere may be heinous somewhere else. lol. Mean people are just as socially awkward and self loathing as anyone else. They agonize over it privately and try cook up ways to retaliate. It's very weird. If you listen to extroverted people, they are also awkward in that they constantly cross the line with what they say or have poor boundaries. They also agonize over what they do. So, whatever you're agonizing over people aren't thinking about it, unless they're the type to ruminate over weird things. Lol. In which case they're awkward and weird in a malicious way.
Just therapy and faking it
First try to understand WHY you feel socially awkward. Therapy may help with this. Are you shy and socially anxious? Or do you readily jump into situations, but find that people don't respond the way you had hoped? For me, it is a matter of getting out of my own head and focusing intuitively on what the other person is experiencing, but that may not work if you struggle to identify emotions or facial expressions in others. I still struggle with making small talk, but only in certain situations. My greatest trigger for social anxiety is being afraid that I will embarrass myself in front of someone that I love or admire, or that I will embarrass them. What helped me was practicing the art of conversation in situations where the stakes are not so high. I chatted with people online, and tried to really feel where they were coming from, while also being real and authentic in my own expression. I started making small talk with random people in public places, like cashiers at the grocery store. Most people respond extremely well to a sincere compliment or an astute observation.
If you’re looking for Objective communication skills. I’d say Vinh Giang has some great tips and tactics. His YouTube is great enough. I wouldn’t pay for the online course it’s not worth the thousand followers asking price https://youtube.com/@askvinh
What worked for me was taking a sales job at a large corporate gym. Turned out I was half way decent at the job and eventually worked my way up to a sales manager. It boosted my confidence and studied sales passionately. You learn to have conversations, build rapport, build trust amongst many other things. That job along with a wonderful mentor changed my life. I need to mention that I was the shy kid that sat in the back of class. Head down when teachers asked questions. I had friends but weren't super close to anyone and felt awkward in social situations. Also just absolutely terrible with the ladies. Safe to say I've been able to turn it all around. I'm engaged, own a business, and I'm comfortable meeting new people and holding conversations. Working on becoming a better sales person was the biggest game changer for me.
No need of therapy or courses. Raw dog it and just talk to random people yourself. One thing that helped me was because of my travel for work situation. I’m basically forced to talk and meet to my co workers. Discord with friend who introduced me to his other friends worked too. If you are already thinking of taking courses or therapy, you are already thinking too much of it. All of those courses will tell you the same thing, go talk to people. What’s the worse that could happen? Nothing.
Weirdly enough, I’m pretty sure getting a job as a cashier at a busy restaurant helped a lot. It forced me to practice talking CONSTANTLY, but in a very structured way (food transactions tend to follow a simple formula), while still giving me freedom to occasionally push out of said structure and engage in quick small talk at my discretion.
Stopped drinking and lots of therapy and first loving myself
I just force myself to attend events and with the mindset that you are acceptable socially, just be yourself and genuine.
Put yourself in uncomfortable situations often would quickly help you I believe. Probably the fastest method IMO.
I made a friend whose a more out going than me and started going out to bars lol
Keep going to places where you meet new people all the time and won't see them again. Experiment by talking to everyone. Accept that you won't be able to please everyone because who cares since you won't see them again anymore anyway, right? Over time, you'll see what works and what doesn't.
Practice is the only answer to getting better at socializing, just like any other learned human behavior
A lot of "exposure therapy" and failures, followed by journaling those failures so the next time a similar situation came up I would know what to do/say.
What's exposure therapy?
Immersing yourself in the thing that gives you anxiety/problems to condition yourself to it instead of running away from it.
Dated bunch of extroverts and had extrovert friends, learnt to blend in. Socially draining but i can do it now way better than my college days.
The things that worked for me are always things that the 'good' reddit people would never give as advice. For instance: 1. Say some bigoted shit sometimes, people find it funny and relatable. 2. Join in on spreading rumors and talking behind the back of othes, this improves bonds and alliances. 3. Fake being interested in peoples bullshit stories, they don't know the difference and are ignorant to you being annoyed by their clinginess. People are shit, so join in on the shit if you want to be social. Hard workers and goody two shoes just get laughed about. My error was always being too principled and expecting the same from others. Only leads to frustration and alienation.
Number 1 usually works in blue-collar working groups, but can backfire immensely in many other contexts. Pretty risky and stupid advice. Number 2 is a good way to make friends with people who do the exact same shit about you when you’re not around. Number 3 is useful when dealing with people in a large group you aren’t particularly close with but tolerate, but it’s terrible advice for making close friends.
do mdma read how to win friends and influence people go to therapy
I don't recommend the first one
yeah it’s such bad advice for a subreddit called r/socialskills, yeah it can help but giving 0 context on the benefits of drugs and just saying “do it” is dangerous
Yea me neither it’s best to do mdma and ❄️ as a addition
Lmao that would help them be more talkative for sure. I enjoyed mdma, just don't think it's sound advice for solving long term social problems. Maybe while you're on it you'll be social. but therapy is going to work better in the long run
I agree, instead I recommend psycholbin, it has been proven to rewire your brain.
For depression, not social skills. Willing to read research showing it helps with social anxiety though, if you know of it.
Observe what others do -> puzzle out the context behind it -> engage in social interactions and repeat the learned behavior. If fail, withdraw for a bit (not too long) and work over what went wrong without overthinking or staying butthurt about it. If pass, yay! Replicate the behavior in different situations to see what works everywhere and what doesn't. The key is persistence, and not staying mad about failure. Yes, socialization is stupidly intricate and weird, but that's nobody's fault. Get mad or sad or frustrated, allow yourself to be upset, but don't *stay* that way. Let yourself get upset (without blaming others), then pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try again, as many times as it takes until you're content.
Neuro linguistic programming helped me. Getting a job helped me lol. I studied a lot of psychology and stopping porn. Those all helped
Relax and face your fears 👑
Maybe I should have clarified. I’m not afraid of social situations, I just don’t enjoy them. But I’d like to get better at being being social for those times when it’s unavoidable or (even better) learn to enjoy social situations more. I’ll put this as an edit to the original post.
Understandable
Why do you feel you have to make yourself like them?
I worked on myself, I think it’s all about confidence. Lost weight, starting going to the gym, wearing nicer clothes. Revamped my self image into someone who I would think others would want to talk to and be around.
I worked retail. Forced me to talk to people. Also a break up gave me more of a not giving a crap attitude which seems to have helped to
Just keep practicing, putting yourself out there (without overly exhausting yourself), no matter how hopeless it seems. "Never give up" tell yourself. Eventually inertia kicks in, you ask yourself "Well I'm not going to NOT talk to these people, I'm already involved with them, it would be douchey to ignore them" and eventually you actually start getting better, and you'll have moments where you just fucking hate yourself, but inertia keeps you going.
The Book, How to Talk to Anyone, gives great tips to improve social interactions. Having a game plan can make social events more enjoyable. It helped me anyway, simple tips but very effective.
Hi, there are so many books with this title. Do you remember the author's name? Thanks
Yes, Leil Lowndes is the author. I hope you enjoy it!
Stopped giving as much of a shit what other people thought about me and started caring about what I think of me
Some books like "how to win friends and influence people" can be a good starting point past that it's forcing yourself to interact. I took jobs doing tele-sales and door to door sales to make ends meet when travelling, both forced me to be more sociable and comfortable talking to strangers. Honestly most people don't really give a shit what you're talking about when it comes to small talk if you can just come off as polite and charming, it's all practices and facade 🤷♂️ oh and force yourself into public speaking, presentations within the company you work for whatever just be somewhat comfortable standing up infront of a group and chatting it's not all that scary when you realize barely anyone's listening, we're all focused way more on how people perceive us than perceiving others.
Pumping iron bruvvv
I've read plenty of books the only way you will improve socially is actually getting out and surrounding yourself with funny outgoing people. Basically to learn from.
The first major breakthrough for me was realizing that being quiet and nervous wasn't some grand secret like I was making it out to be. The more I tried to hide it, the more obvious it was like someone trying to hide behind a thin pole. Next, I started picking things up from people around me. I thought just that wasn't good coming up with jokes but the most social person I know showed that she cared about things going on in other people's lives. So I got out of my own head, started being more friendly, laughing and smiling with people, and the jokes/ conversation just started flowing naturally once I became more comfortable. Plus, it's a bit harder for me to build a connection with people later on after meeting them so I try to start off friendly. Of course not everybody gets along but this way I've found it's at least easier to give them a chance. Turns out I love being social. What are the things that make you uncomfortable in these situations?
for me..I spend 1 week in a social place, didn't talk at all and just studied everyone there. the qay they speak and engage into conversations. After that I researched what people do usually to have fun. in the end, I managed to practice those things on my own. I started going out little by little with 1 person I knew or by myself. After a while it became easier to go out. I still hate socialising and would pick a video game or book over going outside. but it helped to go out sometimes just to not forget how nice the outside is. also traveling alone is great. ur on your own so you have to adapt to a new environment without pressure. that worked for me and I got to see great places.
Basically I practiced. Being social online helped a lot. I also started picking out role models to emulate and people to avoid becoming: what do socially adept people talk about, for example? What do dislikable people do? At first I just blindly followed the lead of likeable people and blindly avoided acting like people who others don't like, but over time started to build an internal handbook consisting of a few rules for likeability. Eg rules like "don't force people into too many situations where they have to express an emotional reaction at risk of looking rude".
Who do you emulate, for example ?
when I was a child I used to scream if kids touched me or talked to me up until early grade school lmfao. I was an only child and grew up around only adults. sports semi helped to where I wasn’t screaming but ehh. I feel like I became super comfortable in social settings when I started doing debate. I know this may sound odd. Try going to Toastmasters meetings if they have any in ur area. Its gonna put you on the spot in front of strangers, but you’re all there for similar reasons. You’ll be able to improve your communication skills on all levels. I feel like mastering effective communication is what truly made me comfortable. I don’t have a lot of issues like most people have speaking to others, and I have no issues with confrontation. I spent most of my high school years doing it and it has been the most useful skillset I ever got in grade school.
That gotta be me. I am really really introverted So even tho i failed hard, and looked very strange and stupid, i never gave up, always trying to talk to people. Then i realized than im introverted and i can never change that. Now im a god at making other people talk and me just listening. The secret is to not feel anxious. Asking the right questions and talking to as many people as possible. If you dont have what to say, just laugh it off and maybe tell people haha this is a little akward and continue to talk to other people. That same person then respects you and will 90% come to talk you later and bonding is easy then. Secondly, you should know when you are being respecrful and others are not, as when you are anxious, you always blame yourself, but most of the time people are assholes and want to act better than you. Ignore those people, they then want to be friends with you(i dont respect them anymore and dont want those people near my life)
1st- join a Toastmasters club. These help people to not have not make better presentations, yet also how to respond to unexpected queries & Visit several…3-4 x before joining. Next…
worked on being the best me I can be, and accepted myself more so others opinions mattered less
I watched people interact a lot and learned social skills one by one.
Started serving. Cant avoid talking to new people that way
"How to win friends and influence people" and "The Charisma Myth" are two really good books. How to win friends points out that "everyone is the hero in their own story, even death row inmates think highly of themselves", so be kind and don't point out others mistakes. The Charisma Myth is about how to show charisma. The book makes the point that they can't tell you how to walk/talk/act, but what the book does is show how your internal state is picked up on by other people. Imagine two sports players walking into a press conference. One just won the championship, and one just lost. Without audio, could you tell who won and who lost? Of course you could. Smiles, how they walk, how they sit, how they grab their water bottle, eye contact with the crowd... It's the same with Charisma. Show up to a social occasion and act like a scared person, people will pickup on that and treat you appropriately. Show up to a social occasion and pretend (like that God/Kharma/Fate/FSM/Your Dog/Thor has ordained that all your actions at that occasion will have no bad repercussions, you're just free to be 'you' with no consequences. If you have a "I can't lose" mindset walking in, your body posture, smiling, eye contact will be different, and others will pickup on that.
The only thing that works: real life practice. I was lucky enough to meet someone with whom I could talk and see regularly so I slowly got better. If you join a sport club or any other places that let you interact with people regularly I'm pretty sure it will help you get better. The only advice I could give you is that if you want things to start, you should be the one to take the initiative, often people lose a lot of chances because they didn't have the courage to expose themselves, so to maximize your chances be the one with the initiative. Maybe something will be born from that or not, see how the other party reacts and decide if the chase it's worth it. Good luck!
try talking to more strangers! its good practice and if it gets awkward u never have to see them again lol
i sucked socially because i didn’t have confidence. imo social skills aren’t really something you learn from a course or a book. it’s something that’s important you learn through experience, especially since everyone’s environments are different. social skills aren’t a one size fits all thing, it depends on who you’re interacting with and what kind of people they are
I got a job that forced me to interact with multiple people multiple times every day. At first it was horrible and I was a sweaty mess but over time it became second nature to interact with people and now I have almost no issues walking up to people to introduce myself and have a convo. Mind you, I’m not an expert and I struggle here and there. I just remind myself that sometimes I don’t click with people and that’s fine, no fault on me.
I’ve learned that being comfortable and happy with yourself is so important. When you enjoy your own company everything and everyone else becomes less important. If they add to your happiness good, if not then you still got you and that’s more than enough. I used to feed off energies. If I saw a mean or unhappy face then my attitude would change and that brought me down. I made THEM more important. Not no more I’M WAY MORE IMPORTANT!!! I matter!!!
22M.. in all honesty I just started talking to people around me more and after graduating high school I started to see improvement in my social skills upon starting college. Now that I'm a senior in college, I can say that I've improved so much by simply engaging people in small talk and saying hello to people in class, around campus, etc Social skills are built like a muscle by increasing reps, volume, etc
Probably not the answer hopes for but what really helped me was traveling alone, especially internationally, and staying in hostels with lots of other people who want to meet and mingle. Since then I’ve realized a few things about people generally and also about myself… a lot of the rules we believe we have to follow are fairly arbitrary and change from country to country. And, you don’t have to be everybody’s person. There are people you’ll vibe better with than others, and that’s okay…
I once read that instead of worrying/thinking about if people like you, you should think more about if you like them. It helps to look at it that way
If I understand correctly. I stopped worrying what others think of me and just worried about myself and allowing others to see how imperfect I was. Prior I put up mirrors and only allowed people to see what was good and tried to dress to their ideal image which was totally uncomfortable for me so I was awkward AF for lack of better words. Now I dress like I want, I show off my extra skin, I lost a lot of weight, so under clothes I seem perfect but in tank tops and shorts it’s not quite as pretty. I’ve learned to be more confident in my own skin. I believe this is the reason my social circle of girlfriends has increased from 0 to 100 over the last few years.
Worked as a cashier at a college convenience store. High volume casual conversation