The good thing about being trans/realising you are trans is that you know what it is that's not right/what you want to be etc. What's wrong for you right now is the struggle to get there.
I can relate since it's taken me years to do anything about being trans lol. Still feel like being really happy is a while off and all the time and effort it's gonna take can get me down, but the positive I have is I know I'm on the right path now.
Just for me and I know why: because when I first came out, my family just bashed me and told me I was a girl and kept continuously saying it and still deadnames me to this day. They still love me but it seems they don’t love me for who I truly am so I feel ashamed of it and want the validation but the only way to do that is to be a girl and that’s just what I’m NOT
Relationship advice guru Dan Savage talks about the price of admission to a relationship. Specifically his BF/partner is kind of a mess. Not huge mess. But the annoying kind where they won't take the extra minute to tidy up so you have to take that minute.
So the price is the extra minute. The price buys an otherwise good relationship. Is it worth it?
Relevance:
You are who you are. To love you, the rest of the world has to pay the price of admission. You aren't special in that. Everyone has the same thing, the same price. Loving someone demands accepting who that person is.
Your family is refusing to pay the price. What they are offering isn't love. Maybe it's the feeling of love for them but it's being offered to a person you aren't and denied to the real you.
They aren't validating you. Rather the opposite, in fact. That's why this feels so bad.
You are valid, young man. Your family doesn't determine that. And if they can't love you as you are, they are unworthy of you, not the other way around.
I agree with you, in that I hate being trans and I see no positives. I don't think it's shameful, though. The way I see it, being trans is just like my other medical conditions. I was dealt a bad hand and now I've got chronic bullshit I have, and I can't wave a magic wand and change it so I don't have all this pain. But I can take my medicine and do what I can to not hurt so much. And as treatment progresses, I don't feel as much pain. I still hurt a lot, and I can't do things other people can, but I'm just doing what I can and trying to survive all this.
So maybe I don't have any positives about being trans, but I can say that little by little, things can improve.
The best advice I can give is to not give up, because it DOES get better. Even if it seems like everything is awful, if you keep pushing forward and advocating for yourself, it will get better, I promise you.
You need a support system. People who validate you for who you are. My trans son doesn’t feel the same hassle, burden and shame. He (we) had to cut ties with some people to feel positive about himself. I don’t know your age or your current place in life or your belief system. But we go to a UMC that is 100% open. We have 2 mom and 2 dad families. We have people from every LGBTQ+ letter. Our pastor is gay. We have a booth at our city’s pride celebration. This support is normalized for us, but I know how lucky we are.
My son started by not wearing any make up and getting a more masculine haircut. Then he started adding items to his wardrobe from the men’s department. He started wearing boxer briefs and replaced his sports bras with trans tape. This was great bc he didn’t have the pressure of people *seeing* his trans-ness (his words). He knew he was wearing them and this was a real boost. After he adjusted to these, he felt empowered to move his wardrobe further into masculine clothes.
Here’s your positive: You are uniquely you. No one else can be you and you can’t be anyone else. Who you are is a beautiful thing. The world needs all of this beautiful diversity and you are adding that to people’s lives.
Please DM me if you’d like emotional support or ideas about how to find your community, whatever feels right for you. Being trans can be hard, but it’s a journey to a happier life if trans is who you are.
You have two options:
You can live as the person you are.
You can die having lived a lie.
There's not supposed to be an upside to being human. If there's an upside to being transgender, it's personal and specific to each of us. The fact that being trans without medically sound means to express it kills people is the only reason we've gotten as far as we have on the social acceptance scale.
That's not saying much.
Not one of us asked to be here, much less asked to be unusual. But here we are and we all get to play the hand we got dealt.
It's not as easy being trans but it's not the shortest straw you could have drawn. You could have been born with brain cancer. There are innumerable ways your life could have been cut short. Not cisgender isn't the worst thing.
There's no correct way to feel about being who you are. Feeling bad about not having it as easy as some is natural. But you gotta take that with some perspective.
This month is Pride in the United States. Do you know the origin of Pride, as a celebration?
No detailed history lesson. It's Black Pride.
Black Pride is a reaction to society telling Black people it's shameful we aren't white, or at least Asian.
LGBT did one better and made Pride a party.
We have all been conditioned to believe being different is shameful. Westerners have been conditioned to believe "normal" means straight and white. The world has generally defined normal as "born with a cock and balls."
I don't look good in a dress. I don't wear dresses because I don't look good in them. "Looking good," is an arbitrary construct designed to enforce a particular vision of femininity and I am ashamed my fat male body doesn't fit the aesthetic.
Are you ashamed of being born female? Is manhood defined by what you are packing in your pants? Are you ashamed of being a man? Are you ashamed of having the unmitigated gall to think you might live as your real self instead of the role society would force upon you?
If so, you aren't alone. Most of us have been there one way or another. We usually have to confront that because it's a form of self-harm. Queerness is a natural consequence of an extremely complicated evolution from random collection of quarks and electrons in a hot plasma soup to streaming services and Pokemon.
Queerness is normal and desirable. If it wasn't, they couldn't sell porn of it.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Society tries to shame you to control you. In your case because it views you as a baby factory.
The fact is, being true to one's self is an act of defiance for most of humanity. That's why we have Pride. Racial Pride, cultural Pride, queer Pride, it all defiance of a culture the would silence us, leash us, confine us to little, manageable boxes and exploit us until there's nothing left of us. It's a choice everyone has to make at some point. It's not just a transgender thing.
It's just politically expedient to single us out for focused hate right now. It's just rare enough to be something to objectify.
Everyone has to decide if they are going to go quietly into the box and put on the collar or suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Only you can decide what is best for you. Enjoying life is a choice that has to be made deliberately and in spite of the things that get you down.
I feel you. I am at the beginning of my "trans journey" and I know my identity would not be accepted by the people around me. I don't express it in any way, which makes me feel uncomftable all the time. The only thing I know for sure is that trying to seek validation from people who just won't will only make you feel worse. I know it can be hard to feel all alone with your problems but you don't need the validation from people who are not accepting you as you are. If you want to feel vaildated, maybe try to find a community with people who are ready to give you the positive environment you need! Hang in there and you are not alone! :)
Sometimes I feel like this. But then I think about how for 30 years I had no idea why I was angry, depressed and felt like I didn't fit in.
Of course I get these feelings. I have had the same struggle admitting to my ADHD. This is forever now?! Ughggh
But the possibility I see now of being fully myself someday is so euphoric I'm more mad that other people just kinda feel this way about their body and life.
I just think of how grey and like far away everything has felt my whole life. For me dressing femme is like the end to pleasentville... All the color comes back into the world.
Think of how beautiful having color is(gosh I hope your not color blind 🤦♀️). That is being trans, to me anyways.
Positives:
I know myself better than most others ever will.
I know who truly cares about me.
I’m happy.
After transition, I’m no longer depressed or suicidal.
Validation? You’re trans and “forcing yourself to be a girl most of the time”? It sounds like you are frustrated with pretending to be a girl, no? Wouldn’t embracing your inner masculinity without shame resolve that? Of course that is no simple thing. But Isn’t that transmasc? Or did I misunderstand completely.
Being trans while also being forced to stay closeted really doesn't have any positives imo. Once you're able to actually live as a man, or a masc leaning person depending on your gender, that's when you'll start feeling the positives.
I don't know what stage you're at in your life, if you're in the process of transitioning, thinking about it, or it's off the table. Being trans is certainly no walk in the park, but if you're transmasc, then you're transmasc. Regardless of what people think of you, you being yourself is awesome. It's awesome to me and anyone else who supports you. I think just about all of us deal with the fear of losing family or having family who don't understand that our identity runs deeper than just what we show them. It's basically our foundation. So, I say you should keep being yourself. If you have trouble breaking yourself of the burden, maybe try doing activities that affirm your gender. Or try peeling back a layer of yourself and revealing a small piece of yourself to the world. Can be as subtle as you want it to be.
Yeah it sucks that trans people have to struggle and I feel that but every trans person I know in real life is a wonderful person and I bet so are you.
Don't do something you're not comfortable with then. Or learn to not care and get validation from yourself. If you allow for humans to make you, you allow for them to break you too. Theres a lot of folks who go down the trans route not saying this is you but because they just didn't think they looked good at their assigned birth so they feel like swapping would work. Nah. the trans thing doesnt really work that way, id say youd had to have tried your best to live comfortably how you were at birth and it wasnt working. Emphasis on tried your best. Once again not saying this is you but like you cant just become a man because you didn't look good before...invest in yourself. try to actually make yourself comfortable. Theres different types of females a lot of people think female has to be girly pink and feminine. girl is a spectrum. boy is a spectrum. once you find where you land or feel fit best you work around that. I always say try your best because a lot of people are unhappy..detransition and then they get mad because a lot has changed because of the process. You cant look back from a lot of things so make conscientious decisions.
live with no regrets! cheers x
I am so sorry for what you were going through. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I too am literally forcing myself to be a guy every day. So I know the struggle and it’s a huge burden to bear. But remember you’re a strong person and believe you can fight through it.
As MtF starting my transition at 34 one positive from that. I'm strong, not just physically, skeletally, bodily. I have to resolve to stand against the sharpest words, the impossible tasks, and not budge 1". And I get to be all that while I also have the range of dynamic emotions that I've always felt I should have. I don't know how to make a human being like this other than to go through what I've gone through, and I like what I see. 🤔🫢🤯🫠
Let's see...
You may like what you see someday
Your worst friends will remove themselves from your life or at least make themselves known.
Male privilege. Here, I don't use mine anymore.
You will be able to give the best dating advice to all of your friends cuz you, unlike them, understand women. We are like shaman of affection.
Sorry that was four things. You were right. I couldn't come up with one thing
>my own self. I literally am
😜
You know who you are in such a real raw way that most people won't ever understand.
You have an amazing community.
And I promise you that there will be/is someone who will always see you for you.
Your doing so well and I hope you can eventually see how strong you are.
I would recommend calling someone, a friend, a aunt or uncle, a old mentor, someone you are sort of friends with.
Find someone to be you with. I promise it gets better eventually.💜💛🧡🩷🩵
I find that.... You must find the answer of who you are yourself. I can give you validation, I can encourage you, but I cant tell you who you are. Notice how you say you hate being transmasc. but do you hate being you? if that means being transmasculine how much are you willing to let it be your identity. I personally believe that if something is within rather than what I constantly displace around, I wont have to observe it or think about it. now, obviously, that's me. I'm not saying you aren't trans or anything like that, but I do think you should find a balance within your personality and identity that makes you happy, and understand what something being a part of you means down to the very roots!
Don't want to bring more negativity to OP but I've never seen any evidence/data/statistics that say transitioning ftm (or ftnb) means a lower risk of sexual assault, all studies I've seen have said the opposite.
My choice if you call it that. Is keep my transgender side buried and suffer suscidal depression or embrace it and have some hope of being happy some day.
The good thing about being trans/realising you are trans is that you know what it is that's not right/what you want to be etc. What's wrong for you right now is the struggle to get there. I can relate since it's taken me years to do anything about being trans lol. Still feel like being really happy is a while off and all the time and effort it's gonna take can get me down, but the positive I have is I know I'm on the right path now.
I understand. Sometimes I feel the same but if there’s one thing I appreciate it sharing in my own creation.
Do you feel that it's a shameful thing to be in general or just for you? If you don't see this or don't care to answer, I understand.
Just for me and I know why: because when I first came out, my family just bashed me and told me I was a girl and kept continuously saying it and still deadnames me to this day. They still love me but it seems they don’t love me for who I truly am so I feel ashamed of it and want the validation but the only way to do that is to be a girl and that’s just what I’m NOT
Relationship advice guru Dan Savage talks about the price of admission to a relationship. Specifically his BF/partner is kind of a mess. Not huge mess. But the annoying kind where they won't take the extra minute to tidy up so you have to take that minute. So the price is the extra minute. The price buys an otherwise good relationship. Is it worth it? Relevance: You are who you are. To love you, the rest of the world has to pay the price of admission. You aren't special in that. Everyone has the same thing, the same price. Loving someone demands accepting who that person is. Your family is refusing to pay the price. What they are offering isn't love. Maybe it's the feeling of love for them but it's being offered to a person you aren't and denied to the real you. They aren't validating you. Rather the opposite, in fact. That's why this feels so bad. You are valid, young man. Your family doesn't determine that. And if they can't love you as you are, they are unworthy of you, not the other way around.
I forgot to reply to this thread. What an eloquent response to him, thank you
I agree with you, in that I hate being trans and I see no positives. I don't think it's shameful, though. The way I see it, being trans is just like my other medical conditions. I was dealt a bad hand and now I've got chronic bullshit I have, and I can't wave a magic wand and change it so I don't have all this pain. But I can take my medicine and do what I can to not hurt so much. And as treatment progresses, I don't feel as much pain. I still hurt a lot, and I can't do things other people can, but I'm just doing what I can and trying to survive all this. So maybe I don't have any positives about being trans, but I can say that little by little, things can improve.
The best advice I can give is to not give up, because it DOES get better. Even if it seems like everything is awful, if you keep pushing forward and advocating for yourself, it will get better, I promise you.
You need a support system. People who validate you for who you are. My trans son doesn’t feel the same hassle, burden and shame. He (we) had to cut ties with some people to feel positive about himself. I don’t know your age or your current place in life or your belief system. But we go to a UMC that is 100% open. We have 2 mom and 2 dad families. We have people from every LGBTQ+ letter. Our pastor is gay. We have a booth at our city’s pride celebration. This support is normalized for us, but I know how lucky we are. My son started by not wearing any make up and getting a more masculine haircut. Then he started adding items to his wardrobe from the men’s department. He started wearing boxer briefs and replaced his sports bras with trans tape. This was great bc he didn’t have the pressure of people *seeing* his trans-ness (his words). He knew he was wearing them and this was a real boost. After he adjusted to these, he felt empowered to move his wardrobe further into masculine clothes. Here’s your positive: You are uniquely you. No one else can be you and you can’t be anyone else. Who you are is a beautiful thing. The world needs all of this beautiful diversity and you are adding that to people’s lives. Please DM me if you’d like emotional support or ideas about how to find your community, whatever feels right for you. Being trans can be hard, but it’s a journey to a happier life if trans is who you are.
What you said, about not liking being trans, is actually not liking how society treats us.
You have two options: You can live as the person you are. You can die having lived a lie. There's not supposed to be an upside to being human. If there's an upside to being transgender, it's personal and specific to each of us. The fact that being trans without medically sound means to express it kills people is the only reason we've gotten as far as we have on the social acceptance scale. That's not saying much. Not one of us asked to be here, much less asked to be unusual. But here we are and we all get to play the hand we got dealt. It's not as easy being trans but it's not the shortest straw you could have drawn. You could have been born with brain cancer. There are innumerable ways your life could have been cut short. Not cisgender isn't the worst thing. There's no correct way to feel about being who you are. Feeling bad about not having it as easy as some is natural. But you gotta take that with some perspective. This month is Pride in the United States. Do you know the origin of Pride, as a celebration? No detailed history lesson. It's Black Pride. Black Pride is a reaction to society telling Black people it's shameful we aren't white, or at least Asian. LGBT did one better and made Pride a party. We have all been conditioned to believe being different is shameful. Westerners have been conditioned to believe "normal" means straight and white. The world has generally defined normal as "born with a cock and balls." I don't look good in a dress. I don't wear dresses because I don't look good in them. "Looking good," is an arbitrary construct designed to enforce a particular vision of femininity and I am ashamed my fat male body doesn't fit the aesthetic. Are you ashamed of being born female? Is manhood defined by what you are packing in your pants? Are you ashamed of being a man? Are you ashamed of having the unmitigated gall to think you might live as your real self instead of the role society would force upon you? If so, you aren't alone. Most of us have been there one way or another. We usually have to confront that because it's a form of self-harm. Queerness is a natural consequence of an extremely complicated evolution from random collection of quarks and electrons in a hot plasma soup to streaming services and Pokemon. Queerness is normal and desirable. If it wasn't, they couldn't sell porn of it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Society tries to shame you to control you. In your case because it views you as a baby factory. The fact is, being true to one's self is an act of defiance for most of humanity. That's why we have Pride. Racial Pride, cultural Pride, queer Pride, it all defiance of a culture the would silence us, leash us, confine us to little, manageable boxes and exploit us until there's nothing left of us. It's a choice everyone has to make at some point. It's not just a transgender thing. It's just politically expedient to single us out for focused hate right now. It's just rare enough to be something to objectify. Everyone has to decide if they are going to go quietly into the box and put on the collar or suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Only you can decide what is best for you. Enjoying life is a choice that has to be made deliberately and in spite of the things that get you down.
I feel you. I am at the beginning of my "trans journey" and I know my identity would not be accepted by the people around me. I don't express it in any way, which makes me feel uncomftable all the time. The only thing I know for sure is that trying to seek validation from people who just won't will only make you feel worse. I know it can be hard to feel all alone with your problems but you don't need the validation from people who are not accepting you as you are. If you want to feel vaildated, maybe try to find a community with people who are ready to give you the positive environment you need! Hang in there and you are not alone! :)
Sometimes I feel like this. But then I think about how for 30 years I had no idea why I was angry, depressed and felt like I didn't fit in. Of course I get these feelings. I have had the same struggle admitting to my ADHD. This is forever now?! Ughggh But the possibility I see now of being fully myself someday is so euphoric I'm more mad that other people just kinda feel this way about their body and life. I just think of how grey and like far away everything has felt my whole life. For me dressing femme is like the end to pleasentville... All the color comes back into the world. Think of how beautiful having color is(gosh I hope your not color blind 🤦♀️). That is being trans, to me anyways.
Positives: I know myself better than most others ever will. I know who truly cares about me. I’m happy. After transition, I’m no longer depressed or suicidal.
Validation? You’re trans and “forcing yourself to be a girl most of the time”? It sounds like you are frustrated with pretending to be a girl, no? Wouldn’t embracing your inner masculinity without shame resolve that? Of course that is no simple thing. But Isn’t that transmasc? Or did I misunderstand completely.
looking back on old photos of yourself and seeing how far youve come
Being trans while also being forced to stay closeted really doesn't have any positives imo. Once you're able to actually live as a man, or a masc leaning person depending on your gender, that's when you'll start feeling the positives.
I see, that makes sense. It hurts to be closeted but I’m trying to pull through
It does hurt, and I'm sorry you're stuck in that situation. Stay strong, you can get through it!
I don't know what stage you're at in your life, if you're in the process of transitioning, thinking about it, or it's off the table. Being trans is certainly no walk in the park, but if you're transmasc, then you're transmasc. Regardless of what people think of you, you being yourself is awesome. It's awesome to me and anyone else who supports you. I think just about all of us deal with the fear of losing family or having family who don't understand that our identity runs deeper than just what we show them. It's basically our foundation. So, I say you should keep being yourself. If you have trouble breaking yourself of the burden, maybe try doing activities that affirm your gender. Or try peeling back a layer of yourself and revealing a small piece of yourself to the world. Can be as subtle as you want it to be.
Yeah it sucks that trans people have to struggle and I feel that but every trans person I know in real life is a wonderful person and I bet so are you.
Don't do something you're not comfortable with then. Or learn to not care and get validation from yourself. If you allow for humans to make you, you allow for them to break you too. Theres a lot of folks who go down the trans route not saying this is you but because they just didn't think they looked good at their assigned birth so they feel like swapping would work. Nah. the trans thing doesnt really work that way, id say youd had to have tried your best to live comfortably how you were at birth and it wasnt working. Emphasis on tried your best. Once again not saying this is you but like you cant just become a man because you didn't look good before...invest in yourself. try to actually make yourself comfortable. Theres different types of females a lot of people think female has to be girly pink and feminine. girl is a spectrum. boy is a spectrum. once you find where you land or feel fit best you work around that. I always say try your best because a lot of people are unhappy..detransition and then they get mad because a lot has changed because of the process. You cant look back from a lot of things so make conscientious decisions. live with no regrets! cheers x
I am so sorry for what you were going through. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I too am literally forcing myself to be a guy every day. So I know the struggle and it’s a huge burden to bear. But remember you’re a strong person and believe you can fight through it.
As MtF starting my transition at 34 one positive from that. I'm strong, not just physically, skeletally, bodily. I have to resolve to stand against the sharpest words, the impossible tasks, and not budge 1". And I get to be all that while I also have the range of dynamic emotions that I've always felt I should have. I don't know how to make a human being like this other than to go through what I've gone through, and I like what I see. 🤔🫢🤯🫠 Let's see... You may like what you see someday Your worst friends will remove themselves from your life or at least make themselves known. Male privilege. Here, I don't use mine anymore. You will be able to give the best dating advice to all of your friends cuz you, unlike them, understand women. We are like shaman of affection. Sorry that was four things. You were right. I couldn't come up with one thing >my own self. I literally am 😜
You know who you are in such a real raw way that most people won't ever understand. You have an amazing community. And I promise you that there will be/is someone who will always see you for you. Your doing so well and I hope you can eventually see how strong you are. I would recommend calling someone, a friend, a aunt or uncle, a old mentor, someone you are sort of friends with. Find someone to be you with. I promise it gets better eventually.💜💛🧡🩷🩵
I find that.... You must find the answer of who you are yourself. I can give you validation, I can encourage you, but I cant tell you who you are. Notice how you say you hate being transmasc. but do you hate being you? if that means being transmasculine how much are you willing to let it be your identity. I personally believe that if something is within rather than what I constantly displace around, I wont have to observe it or think about it. now, obviously, that's me. I'm not saying you aren't trans or anything like that, but I do think you should find a balance within your personality and identity that makes you happy, and understand what something being a part of you means down to the very roots!
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Don't want to bring more negativity to OP but I've never seen any evidence/data/statistics that say transitioning ftm (or ftnb) means a lower risk of sexual assault, all studies I've seen have said the opposite.
My choice if you call it that. Is keep my transgender side buried and suffer suscidal depression or embrace it and have some hope of being happy some day.