Yep. Fact is, many people aren't trained psychologists, and love and empathy can only help so much. If you're trying you lift someone's mental condition up to the point where yours is going down, or if you're really unhappy in the relationship in general, then the healthy thing to do is move on.
This is not unpopular. as someone with severe mental illness, i've seen that most people are surprisingly very intolerant when it comes to mental illness. never once have I ever heard someone call someone a bad person for leaving a person with mental illness.
usually when someone leaves an ill person, and they tell their friends and family about their problems, the usual response is along the lines of "My god, they should be put in a mental hospital!" or "what a crazy bitch/bastard".
I've seen people, especially on reddit, call mentally ill people "selfish" for trying to find love, because they're "wasting peoples time" and say that it's unfair to the spouse, even if the spouse chooses to be with the mentally ill person.
the fact of the matter is that basically no one wants to be with a mentally ill person, because we're messy and emotional, hard to deal with, and frustrating. fortunately i was lucky enough to find someone who's very patient and loving, and helps me improve every day.
but yeah. not unpopular at all. the real unpopular opinion would be, "Mentally ill people deserve a spouse who is patient and caring"
I mean no one is obligated to date or stay in a relationship with someone, but I think it's okay for a mentally ill person to look for someone to love, and to be loved back.
agreed. while having an understanding and caring partner can help someone with mental illness, that person needs to have at least started on the path to recovery, and have quite a bit of self-awareness towards their problems to be able to be in a healthy relationship. If someone who's mentally ill refuses treatment, denies their problems, or uses their mental illness as an excuse to abuse people, then i don't think they can really be in a healthy relationship.
Totally ok for everyone to look for love. But, as someone who is living through this, I can offer that "looking for" and "finding" love must be a two-way street (unless a person is just so ill that they are actually divorced from reality - I'm not qualified to talk about that situation).
I'm in a situation with a mildly mentally ill spouse and a severely mentally ill mother-in-law whom we help take care of. For both of them, it's all one way- people in their family exist simply to cater to them and their illness. The older is now so far gone that I can feel sympathy. But the younger is not, and she just uses her "anxiety" and "high-strung nature" as her excuse for lashing out against family whenever her emotions build up. She is so afraid of potentially turning into her mother that the merest hint that she is drives her to extremely aggressive behavior to beat down anyone delivering the bad news.
Anyway, this is not about my sob stories. I'm an adult and we have kids who need a stable patent, so I'm making my own decisions here and don't regret them. However, I'll say that I agree with both you and the OP on the condition that, in each case, you are behaving responsibly. For the OP: have you tried to help? You made a decision to enter the relationship and you need to fulfill whatever obligation of human decency you think that puts on you. For you, are you trying on your end or are your lovers just medicine that you take to treat symptoms (in other words, are you just using)? No one expects a cure, just be a partner in trying.
How is that an unpopular opinion? Everyone thinks that mentally ill people deserve a patient and caring spouse, a lot of people just don’t want to be that spouse, because, as you said, it’s frustrating and often unequal.
I posted on reddit one time that "mentally ill people deserve to have a loving partner, so long as their partner chooses to be with them" and a bunch of people got angry at me and hundreds of people downvoted me. so no, it's not popular.
I think this opinion is either pretty popular or unpopular depending on the social group you are in.
I've heard both "it's not your fault for leaving that abusive, crazy person" and "you are a selfish asshole for leaving when your SO needed you".
I am mentally ill and I have hurt some people in my life due some shit I went through. I'd never blame someone for leaving me when they can't deal with me.
The last I'd want is my SO to develope mental issues because of me.
I think it takes skills and a certain, very patient, personality to deal with it. If you constantly react to the illness instead of seeing the person behind it you will be worn down by it very quickly. Even then the other person may simply not have the mental and physical energy for it.
Well, I'm sorry that that's the society you are in. I went by society opinion where I'm from and after asking about the society frmo friends in other countries.
Yes. And having a mental illness is not an excuse to abuse, berate or be cruel to a partner. "I can't help it" is a cop out, not an explanation. It's okay to admit you need help with your mental health. It is not okay to use it as a weapon.
My wife of 20 years suffers from mental illness and now my son as well. I stay married to her only because I understand the nature of the illness and can adjust accordingly to it. If you can’t handle it then please don’t make the person with the illnesses life more difficult. They can’t help it. Would you be with someone in a wheel chair and put them down because they can’t walk?
If your partner just gave birth to your child you both agreed to having, fully knowing she had issues with mental illness beforehand.
That's just one... I can think of another few?
If someone didn’t feel like they could handle staying with someone with a mental illness, I doubt they would decide to have a child with that person. That is, assuming this person is responsible whatsoever.
What if the mental illness came after the child? Is it right to claim custody of the child and abandon said person?
My friend went into full blown schizophrenia when he was 22. I can’t imagine if he was a father at that point.
Personally, I still think it's okay to claim custody and leave the person.
In the end, the kid is the most important thing in that situation. While having both parents might be the ideal situation, having a parent that will possibly harm or be a hindrance to the development of the child is worse.
I say this as someone with bipolar type 2 disorder, sometimes a kid is better off without a parent with mental illnesses, that may be so extreme that it negatively affects the child's life growing up.
I agree - it totally depends on the mental health issue. I have worked in mental health for the last 10 years and can confirm - it gets fucked severe. Loved ones get hurt. It’s hugely complex but it doesn’t make you a bad person at all to decide that you’ll struggle to cope with someone’s condition.
The longer you live with a person without being married, increases the probability of a divorce.
Which naturally, people who marry in their 30s have a higher probability of having.
If statistics was that simple, why are people going to school for it? They should go to you!
There are many things that cause bias for divorce rates, you picking out one of them doesn’t add any meaning to your statement (especially if the bias you picked out, has a bias such as the example I gave.)
Think further.
As someone who has been in this situation, I agree. If you aren't mature enough or properly equipped to give your partner the support that they need, you can't be a good partner. I'm not advocating for jumping ship at the first sign of a trouble, but as OP said, there is a point where demands can overwhelm a person's ability to be a support. And for my own experience, it helped me realize that i didn't have all my shit sorted out yet either so separating was the best decision because it gave us the space to do the growing we each needed to do.
In my case, I left because she showed no desire to actually try to treat her bipolar disorder. And by that I mean she refused to take her medication or to talk to her doctor about new meds.
And when questioned about it as I tried to help, she threw stuff at me and shouted me out the door. So yeah, I didn't go back.
I think you need to want to get better for your loved ones but first for yourself. If you don't accept your mental disorder you can't get better and learn to live a healthy live. Even though that can be tough to deal with.
Had a similar situation. My ex developed depression and would spend all day smoking weed, eating junk food, and playing video games. He wouldn’t make an effort to go outside, eat better, or cut back on smoking. I’m not saying doing those things would have cured him (I know that’s not how depression works), but his habits were clearly exacerbating the problem. When he started skipping therapy because he claimed “it was pointless” I knew that he wasn’t on track to do any better any time soon, and I had to break up with him to protect my own mental and emotional well-being.
I hope things are better for you now.
I think this is especially so if you have your own mental issues. If you being in a relationship is hurting your own mental health, then it should be ok for you to remove yourself from that situation, even if you leaving makes them worse.
If you have the strength/fortitude to help someone in need, that’s awesome. But if they are just going to be a rock that’s pulling you underwater then you owe it to yourself to be selfish. But, do it in a way that’s easiest on both of you.
As a crazy person, I have never blamed the people that left me. Although i do think that if i had something physically wrong with me people would spit on those that left me. But because it is not always physically visible it is suddenly fine and dandy to treat someone like a piece of fecal matter.
Eh, i get it though, why be friends with someone difficult when there is billions of other people a person can be friends with. I just laugh every time they come crawling back to me when other people treat THEM like shit. And then i close the door. Forgiveness is for christians.
My ex wasn’t mentally ill but had Aspergers. I had no issues with it and I would have tolerated the social awkwardness and the insecure paranoia. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around him and has to be so careful with what I’d say. He’d be fine all day then when we parted ways he’d text me about everything I said that sounded intentionally rude. That was okay.
The breaking point was when he would use it as an excuse to justify his behaviour. My Dad didn’t approve of him and my ex loved stirring the pot and saying things to piss him off and would say he couldn’t help it.
I have mental illness as well as AIDS and I deny myself of any romantic encounters. No one should have to be involved in this mess. I’d be a bad person to let someone in my life.
While you may never be free of mental illness, you can learn to manage it. And if you’re managing okay, you don’t have to doom yourself to being single forever. As long as your partner knows what’s in store and they’re willing to be there for you, you’re not a bad person for being with them. Don’t be so hard on yourself :(
This is complicated cause I’ve been on both sides of the issue - more so with friendships than romantic relationships (I don’t really date) I have ptsd and am on the spectrum. I’m aware that it can be really draining so I start bending over backwards for the person because I don’t desire to project on them or hurt them in any way. This sadly 9/10 leads me to getting severely taken advantage of, gaslighted, and abused... I also feel it’s worth mentioning due to having depression as a side effect of PTSD, medications aren’t a magical fix and constantly/consistently need adjustments. Which can severely effect your mood and energy levels. (Not implying that people shouldn’t take their meds mind you.) I agree with something another poster said that having depression should not ban me from desiring love, kindness and respect. People who seem to believe otherwise are usually pretty terrifying folks...
HOWEVER other other side of the coin - yes I’ve had those exact type of friends that very likely have some sort of fucked up mental health issue that they *refuse* to get treatment or help with outside of self diagnosing. Usually blame it on everyone else around them (especially parents. They always despise their parents) and take no responsibility for hurting others as a result. They are very capable and absolutely will seriously ruin your life and reputation blaming you for things you never did. It’s fucking awful.
I am mentally ill but in recovery and I really see now how I often acted toxic in previous relationships.
My ex girlfriend broke up with me when I was in a psyche ward because she couldn't handle how I acted. Months later of no contact she texted me and apologized because she felt so terrible and how she "dropped me".
I felt really bad that she felt so remorseful.
Your SO is not and shouldn't be your therapist. When seriously mentally ill you need professional help.
Wherever this opinion is unpopular or not; it really depends on your social circle I guess. I've seen both "fuck that crazy person, you are not obligated to help them" and "you are such a narcisstic asshole for leaving that mentally ill person" in different situations".
Sorry this comment is long, but this subject gets me heated:
This posts reminds me of an r/AskMen that asked something along the lines of “how did your relationships with others change after you developed a mental illness?”
Many of the responses consisted of something like “she left me a few weeks/months after I told her about my depression” “she broke up with me once I developed anxiety” etc. Those comments were met with dozens, if not hundreds, of replies like “she sounds like a bitch” “I’m sorry, she doesn’t deserve you” “this is why men don’t come forward” and more.
It made me really angry because I also believe no one is obligated to stay with someone who has mental health issues. In fact, dating someone with mental health issues can be very emotionally draining and damaging to the other person. It’s not wrong to want to protect your own mental health.
When my now ex developed depression, he turned into an entirely different person than when we started dating. His personality was something that I no longer found appealing. I tried to stay for a couple months and help, but at a certain point I realized I don’t have to stay in a relationship I’m not happy in. Once we broke up, a lot of his friends called me a bitch and a selfish person for breaking up with someone who was already depressed. One of them even told me “if he kills himself, it’s likely your fault”.
Just because it’s harder for men to disclose their mental illnesses, doesn’t mean their SO is obligated to stay with them.
Sadly, our society has decided that putting chronically mentally ill persons into institutions was not such a good idea. Now they just cycle between jail and the street, they have no quality of life and live a wretched existence. Anyone who believe such an approach is more humane must be crazy themselves. . .
You cannot force someone who is mentally ill to take their medication. Of course the predictable effect of discontinuing their med is well known. They rapidly spin out of control and their grip on reality continues to lessen until they become a true danger to themselves and others. So, we put them in jail overnight, kick them out the next day, and things only get worse.
Great policy.
That's another scenario in which case if the partner can't help out and get the patient the help they need it'll make things worse for the partner and the patient. There will be more harm done than good. like some people commented you can help as a friend and try and reach out to family of friends who can actually help out instead of doing mental and/or physical harm to each other
What is your definition of unpopular then? I've heard a lot of people thinking someone in the partner's position is an awful person which. Like that's the remark the society is making. That is kind of what unpopular is
I disagree that's what society says.
If you dumped someone because they were mentally ill most people would be understanding.
In fact if you were dating someone who was mentally ill most people would urge you to dump them.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "dating an insane person is such an awesome idea".
You are lucky to be from such a society but that's not the case in most parts of the world. This is from what I'm observing and from talking to friends who live in other countries. Glad that there is at least one part of the world where people/society is understanding
Where is "most parts of the world" I could only think that this mindset may be in more progressive countries where Mental Health is more of a talked about thing, but even then I live in one of the major countries, and literally no one has that mindset dating someone with a mental illness can be very difficult, and it's completely understandable that it may be to much
There may be like very few people, but it's definitely no way a majority, and it seems like this post was made from a personal experience that in one way reflects the majority...
I’m ready to get many upvotes but I agree. I have been in situation like this, to the point when this person thought that therapy is complete bs, overdose medicaments and to the point that almost harmed me physically and a lot of emotionally and so many another traumatic details. I think the most important difference here is that many people don’t want to get professional help or isn’t willing to do anything to make this better
I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are right. The problem is especially when this person is not willing to get help though they know they need it. Hope you are in a better place now.
Thank you! I’m still trying to recover as this person is still in my life (not by my choice). This person get me through hell and I still have PTSD, there are so many details and horror but I’m really trying my best to heal
This comment is exactly part of the problem.
This whole post is blanket categorizing everyone with “mental illness” (an absurdly broad category) as manipulative, violent, selfish... and especially unworthy of love (?!?)... because of their illness. You are more likely to be beat by someone who is deemed mentally sound than someone with a “mental illness”. And then they have to suffer with people who exhibit a high stigma against them, like you.
Mentally ill people are ill.
ABUSIVE PEOPLE ARE ABUSIVE.
I didn’t categorize everyone, but told about my situation and my experience which was only about one people. What exactly in my comment made you think I have hight stigma aginst those people?
(if that is important to this comment - person I mentioned in post was diagnosed by professional and it wasn’t my opinion that this person has mental ilnesses)
Hahaha wow, fuck you. Aside from the obvious bullshit claim of “most mentally ill people”... it’s obvious you’re talking out of your ass.
Mentally ill people already face impossible stigma - and here it’s being argued that they shouldn’t even look for love because they’re too toxic??
This opinion is far from unpopular, it’s the norm in fact.
Lol not that they shouldn’t look for love but to fix themselves or at least make themselves bearable so they don’t ruin someone else’s life. Idk why that’s a hard concept 😂😂😂 like seriously it’s not our fault you have issues why should WE have to deal with them
This is exactly what I mean - Now you’re categorizing all mentally ill people saying that they’re life-ruiners who refuse to help themselves. Your attitude here is exactly the problem. How don’t you see that?
The stigma that you’re imposing on every person who is mentally ill does catastrophic damage. It strips a significant amount of support. It keeps people from seeking help. What you’re doing is unfortunately so common that people suffering from mental illness are often directed toward advice fighting the stereotypes and roadblocks that things like your shitty, casual assumptions cause.
They are tho. I mean think about what you’re saying. Imagine being so weak that instead of wanting to change those things you wallow in your flaws and pity. I have worked on my self to the point where I won’t cause damage to people I date. If you can’t accept the truth about yourself that’s not my fault or problem. Like think about how stupid you have to be to not seek help for the problem you complain about 😂😂 like no one deserves to be with a broken person who isn’t gonna work on Changing. Point blank period. Either get busy living or get busy dying. That’s the choice I made when I realized my ptsd is hurting the ones around me. Is it my fault I have ptsd? No but it’s my fault if I don’t work on become a functional part of society instead of a self pitying loser who thinks the world is gonna slow down for them because they went through some shit
THE POINT IS THAT YOU’RE CLAIMING THAT ALL MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE ARE DESTRUCTIVE AND REFUSE TO SEEK HELP. That is PATENTLY false and extraordinarily offensive, not to mention damaging. They are MORE likely to be manipulated and abused because of their vulnerabilities.
I’m obviously not saying that mentally ill people can’t be abusers - but most abusers are not mentally ill. Your kind of attitude perpetuates the ignorant stereotype of MI people all being “Psycho”‘s Norman Bates or the guy making a “woman suit” out of real women’s skin from Silence of the Lambs. A disproportionate amount of attention and blame is then placed on the mentally ill, and the abusers who aren’t get swept under the rug.
Part of me is just convinced you’re trolling. Meh, I don’t really have the patience for you anymore. I’m tired, I’m frustrated, and I’m on mobile.
I mean look at your insanity showing in this post . Most mentally ill people are destructive and refuse to seek help. It’s a proven fact. Hence why a high percentage of homeless people are mentally ill people who refuse to seek help. They’re equally likely to be abused and to be the abuser. All the things I’m saying are proven by psychology. Which I study. Deeply. Go take a prn and stop acting like your feelings mean more than facts. There’s a reason people like you were put in a asylums. You think it’s perfectly okay to be a psychopath
>Most mentally ill people are destructive and refuse to seek help. It’s a proven fact.
It seems to me that you’re a bit confused about the term “proven fact,” but if you have sources to show that most people with mental illness refuse to get help, I’d love to see them.
While there is some evidence that shows that many people with mental illnesses are not receiving treatment, it’s not necessarily a “proven fact” that they “refuse” to seek help.
There are many reasons why a person may not be receiving treatment for mental illness, the most common being lack of financial resources, insurance issues, shortage of qualified mental healthcare workers, and mental health stigma. Now, what I just said is actually backed by research and evidence, which you can read [here.](https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/cbhsq-reports/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017.htm#tab8-33A) (Edit: and for a more user-friendly version, [here.](https://onlinedegrees.bradley.edu/blog/mental-health-in-america/))
>All the things I’m saying are proven by psychology. Which I study. Deeply.
I also study psychology, deeply. I have a master’s degree in psychology and am a licensed therapist. I’d love to know your credentials and read some of the sources of the “proven facts” you’re referring to. Since we are fellow colleagues in the field of psychology, it would be great to share research about this topic.
You clearly don’t have any experience in psychology. Because if you did you would know that the number one reason mentally ill people refuse help is their mental illnesses . That article actually proves what I said because if you reread it says that people choose to not receive help . Some masters of you can’t even read an article 😂😂 . It’s like the is everyone on reddit this stupid or what. Plenty of articles we observed ( second year at southern ct) pointed out the correlation between sympathy for the mentally ill and the push for self treatment. We treat people as if there’s nothing wrong with them and they therefore think there’s nothing wrong with them
Just out of curiosity, where exactly in the article does it say that most people choose to not receive help? Can you provide a quote?
If I’m wrong, then I would like to know and will admit that I’m wrong. If I in fact “can’t read” and am wrong about what I said, please show me exactly where the article says it so I can admit that I’m wrong.
If not, I stand by what I said.
>the number one reason mentally ill people refuse help is their mental illnesses.
Wrong again. Please provide your source. The number one reason is actually because they can’t afford the cost of treatment. Please see Table 8.53A in this [actual research backed by data.](https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/cbhsq-reports/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017.htm#tab8-33A)
..... you study psychology, but are totally okay with calling people who don't get help psychopaths? I highly doubt you study psychology, as I do and see no facts in your post what so ever. The fact that you still call them "asylum" shows you are not updated on your facts at all. Also, HOMELESS people do not seek help because they DONT HAVE THE MONEY OR RESOURCES for help. Some homeless people end up developing a mental illness due to the circumstances they are in. Don't speak out of your ass. Most people do SEEK help if they have the RESOURSES. Those who do not tend to not have the resources or do not realize they can fix it or have a problem. Also... if your points are PROVEN, post the facts, which there isn't any. This person never said they are okay with psychopaths. They just said you were calling most mentally ill people psychopaths and saying they do not seek help which is false. The person, also, never said anything about being with or against people seeking help. So your argument has nothing to do with their statements. You need to "study" more and hopefully not from Wikipedia.
I had a multi-year relationship when I was young with someone who was bipolar. It wasn't that she got extreme or wacko or violent or anything like that. I just knew something was off but didn't understand what it was. And I knew I needed to leave.
One day on her own she checked herself into a clinic. I realized that if there was a time to leave, it would be while she was under the supervision of health care professionals that could take care of her. In the end it was the right choice for both of us.
I have (síndrome de personalidad histriónico, I don't know the name in English) and yes, that fucked almost all my relationships and all was my fault :)
Personally, I wouldn't say that. It depends on each person you were in a relationship with and the what state of mind you were in. It's not right and wrong and black and white.
I am just curious to how this happens. Because shouldn't we noticed something was off in the first few dates? Why wait for it to get to the level of "partner"? I mean, wouldn't it be wrong to give them hope for a possible loving relationship and take it away from them?
Or is this something developers years after your marriage? Is it really common for your spouse to develop mental illness later on? What would be the cause (other than losing their kids)?
Mental illness can go completely unnoticed for years and manifest at any time. Sometimes it can even be the result of a trauma (both physical and emotional).
Especially in the senior demographic, mental illnesses which were never apparent before become full-blown. You can be married to somebody your entire adult life only to have them become somebody completely different as their body begins to break down.
I understand that part. But, wouldn't it normally manifested during teenage years? Hard to imagine what would cause the mental illness to develop later on.
It's difficult to diagnose mental illness in the teenage years because pretty much all teenagers have extreme emotional responses to minor things. A lot of even trained experts have a hard time separating mental illness from "just teenager things."
There might be a root here but unless some kind of triggerevent happens all that would be dormant and the the person will be normal and others can't see it either. The only ppl who might be able to see it before hand would be trained psychologists
Everyone has their own mental health issue, just like the Flight safety instructions always say, take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
What kind of mental illness does a person (not a mate or relationship partner but someone covert ) have when you are normal and fine and they lie and tell people something is wrong when there's not? That's what someone is trying to pull on me.
I'm terrified my partner will leave but I can fully understand why she would. This isn't a cry for help if anyone's wondering, I'm already working through the system. It just sucks when you feel like your relationship is racing against doctors.
Some people don't work on their illness and tend to use it to enable poor behavior. I can understand people not wanting to subject themselves to that in their lives.
Its like when wives leave soldiers. It’s not that they want to leave, it’s that they don’t like to be alone so much. Also, they they don’t want to live in fear of that knock at the door. People give those women a lot of crap but it’s self preservation. It really sucks but I kind of get it.
I happen to agree with your unpopular opinion. There are so many mental illnesses of every hue. So, I shall just say that I would never knowingly go out with a schizophrenic, especially the paranoid variety. Before all the right-on redditors pounce on my opinion, I have had to tolerate alot over many years because of it.
It's guaranteed that you become the carer of them and you won't be thanked for it. You have to put up or shut up about their delusions unless you like being classed as the enemy. Hardly romantic.
I don’t think I can ever have a partner. I have depression, GAD, and OCD. I don’t like being touched at all and I go through bad episodes but I’m fine being single.
I don't mind, or even judge, someone for leaving me when they can't stand my mental illness. They don't have to stay with someone who drives them crazy! But, if they fall ill and someone leaves them, they should shut up, because then they sound like a hypocrite.
I have mental illness - been dealing with it for my whole life. When I started dating my husband I told him right off about my issues and that I would not be easy to love. He didn't care. Over our 27 years of being together we have been through a lot. I am so glad we found each other.
This all being said - I think it would be very unhealthy for me to be with someone who could not handle my mental health issues. I would rather be alone than with someone who couldn't adapt to my needs - but shouldn't that be true for any relationship - mental health problems or not?
Given the overwhelmingly positive response to this post, it makes me question how much we're talking about leaving someone with an actual "mental illness" as outlined in the DSM V and diagnosed by a professional versus a non-mentally ill person with what Szasz (Hungarian-American psychiatrist) would call "problems in living" ("issues", basically).
Reminds me of what Trevor Noah said about mass shooters, specifically that the majority of mass shooters kill because they "want to, not because something 'went wrong' in their brain." There's plenty of research that backs this up; mentally ill people are far likelier to be the victims of violence and crime rather than the perpetrators.
Mental illness is blamed too often for the bad behavior of people who are not mentally ill.
There’s a very fine line here and many tough decisions. Do you remain friends and you find a new partner? Do you stop all contact because you worry that finding a new partner while remaining friends will make you look like an asshole? How involved and not involved should you be?
Every situation is different, every illness is different.
True and many people just judge because the partner has left. They have no idea what the partner has gone through, what the person with mental illness is like and lot more. It's the judging that sucks. If the partner left and need to get involved, find out what went wrong else people should just mind their own business instead of standing around and judging
I think that most people see it the same way as if it was a terminal illness. If your partner had cancer and was dying nobody would expect you to leave them even though the experience for the partner is terrible as well, so when somebody has a mental illness they also think you should stick by their side no matter what.
And sure, most of them are manageable and partners who love each other should be supportive, but if we are talking about something *big* then it’s normal that you don’t to be there as a partner. Maybe as a friend, but not a partner.
This is absolutely not unpopular. Most people are not even willing to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness (talking about the more stigmatized ones like BPD and schizophrenia).
A small minority doesn't at all reflect a large majority lol
No one is ever going to unanimously like all of your choice that's just something you gotta accept
Looking around for the specific opinion you want is biased and doesn’t show majority vs minority views
That isn’t “research” and it’s not like you did a census
Asking a few people isn’t the same as asking 1000’s you literally CANNOT with the knowledge you have make the claim you are making it is literally an opinion and in no way held up by any basis
Most of the world understands mental illness, and the countries that don’t care about literally don’t care if you leave your partner for that sole purpose, and for the countries that do care about mental illness just about all have the understanding that mental illness is a difficult thing to deal with
As someone with a mental disability I totally agree. I would never blame my partner for leaving me if it became too much for him to handle. I think the same goes for any physical or mental illness. I don't know what the 'popular opinion' regarding this is, but I do think that people who are with a partner whom becomes ill feel an obligation to stay with them.
Well, where I'm from and after asking friends from other countries the partner is expected to stick around and fix it. This is especially in a heterosexual couple and the partner is a woman.
That's what I've gathered. I have a friend whose boyfriend became disabled after an accident, and she basically became his full-time caretaker. In addition to the physical disability he also became depressed (understandably), which just compounded the difficulty of caring for him. She stayed with him a lot longer than she should have - I think part of that was her feeling an obligation to him, and feeling that leaving him would make her a bad person.
Exactly and it's even worse in countries where arranged marriage is the norm. The wife needs to tolerate whatever the husband does no matter how toxic it is and then the society claims that arranged marriage is more successful. Tbh, it's not and the wife sticks around because usually she'll become an outcast if she gets divorced
Expectations from society:
- No mental illness, a normal person = stay with them
- Mild mental illness, unsociable asshole = dump them
- Severe mental illness = stay with them
I would say it depends on the mental illness. My fiancée is diagnosed with bipolar disorder but she takes her medication regularly and in the 2 and a half years that I have been with her there were only 2 times where she had an outburst. If she didn't tell me that she was bipolar I honestly wouldn't have noticed.
I feel so targeted by this post.
One of my friends whom I dated suffers from chronic depression and what I suspect is undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.
In the course of our relationship I was there for her for something around two dozen suicide attempts. I have pulled knives away from her, wrestled her off ledges as she was trying to jump off, cleaned up her blood, and been there through more nights of sobbing existential questioning than I can count. She made me say goodbye to her several times and I genuinely thought she'd be dead the next day.
All of this, only to have her claim due to whatever reasons she felt, that I didn't care about her, that I never cared about her, that I was with her just to get in her pants, and that I secretly hated her behind her back.
I never left her because I knew if I did I'd get called every uncaring thing under the sun and I had convinced myself that standing by someone is what you do if you care about them. After watching my own mental health wither away and becoming depressed, angry, and emotionally distant from her I realized far too late that the most helpful thing to do sometimes is to just leave. She needed professional help and I was enabling her to not seek it by being her stand-in therapist.
I don't doubt her pain throughout all of this time in her life. I know she was suffering. But the complete lack of ownership for her condition was one that I can't and won't entertain again. It's okay to suffer from mental health issues - lord knows I have plenty myself - but it's not okay to make someone who is untrained your sole emotional outlet.
Sure as shit won’t help the person either. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. it’s not always smooth sailing so if you can’t stick it out then you don’t deserve them
If the partner is causing more harm to the patient and themselves(happens a lot as each situation is unique) then in sickness in health has an exception
Your staying with someone who has a mental issue and just saying, "Just stay and try to fix it out", is not a good idea. If this person has a severe case then it could just make it worse
You can always stay with said person and work together to get through it. As someone with several mental health illnesses, I know how much support means to people with mental health illnesses. Any support that we receive can mean a lot to us.
Yeah that's not how it works. Sure it can help, but if they have a severe case then it's probably not gonna go anywhere. If it's not to bad then it might, but it's still not the best idea
If you have a problem, you work through it together. Sure, you'll have bad days etc, but you'll get through them together. Trust me, I know well enough.
Exactly. That's what not to do. You should stay together, and work through it. But most people are too selfish and think "fuck this, I can't help, you're on your own" don't you see what I'm saying?
Yeah because people who have disabilities and have problems aren't the easiest to work with. Obviously I'm not saying there wrong for doing so because they really can't control it sometimes, but why would someone stay with them if they treat them like dirt
Please read the description too. I've also mentioned that the person with mental illness is not ready to get help and do something from their side about it. This is when the person knows that they need to get help but is too proud/embarassed to do so. If the partner also ends up with a mental illness like depression because of this it does more harm than good to both people
As a person with a mental illness...I completely agree with this. I've seen too many of my peers lean too heavily on their partner. No one can fix you but you. You have to take responsibility for your own mental well being you cannot ask your partner to fix it. That's not to say your partner can't help but ultimately it's your responsibility to take care of you
If you're married, you swore 'in sickness and health", and breaking an oath does actually make you a 'bad' person.
Otherwise, I guess it depends on how much you love your partner.
Yep. Fact is, many people aren't trained psychologists, and love and empathy can only help so much. If you're trying you lift someone's mental condition up to the point where yours is going down, or if you're really unhappy in the relationship in general, then the healthy thing to do is move on.
I’m sure even a trained psychologist wouldn’t want to date their clients
But what if you become a psychologist just to help your spouse
Then you have an ethical dilemma and may lose your license
And also, if the person won't try to get help themselves after countless encouragement then love can only do so much.
This is not unpopular. as someone with severe mental illness, i've seen that most people are surprisingly very intolerant when it comes to mental illness. never once have I ever heard someone call someone a bad person for leaving a person with mental illness. usually when someone leaves an ill person, and they tell their friends and family about their problems, the usual response is along the lines of "My god, they should be put in a mental hospital!" or "what a crazy bitch/bastard". I've seen people, especially on reddit, call mentally ill people "selfish" for trying to find love, because they're "wasting peoples time" and say that it's unfair to the spouse, even if the spouse chooses to be with the mentally ill person. the fact of the matter is that basically no one wants to be with a mentally ill person, because we're messy and emotional, hard to deal with, and frustrating. fortunately i was lucky enough to find someone who's very patient and loving, and helps me improve every day. but yeah. not unpopular at all. the real unpopular opinion would be, "Mentally ill people deserve a spouse who is patient and caring" I mean no one is obligated to date or stay in a relationship with someone, but I think it's okay for a mentally ill person to look for someone to love, and to be loved back.
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agreed. while having an understanding and caring partner can help someone with mental illness, that person needs to have at least started on the path to recovery, and have quite a bit of self-awareness towards their problems to be able to be in a healthy relationship. If someone who's mentally ill refuses treatment, denies their problems, or uses their mental illness as an excuse to abuse people, then i don't think they can really be in a healthy relationship.
Totally ok for everyone to look for love. But, as someone who is living through this, I can offer that "looking for" and "finding" love must be a two-way street (unless a person is just so ill that they are actually divorced from reality - I'm not qualified to talk about that situation). I'm in a situation with a mildly mentally ill spouse and a severely mentally ill mother-in-law whom we help take care of. For both of them, it's all one way- people in their family exist simply to cater to them and their illness. The older is now so far gone that I can feel sympathy. But the younger is not, and she just uses her "anxiety" and "high-strung nature" as her excuse for lashing out against family whenever her emotions build up. She is so afraid of potentially turning into her mother that the merest hint that she is drives her to extremely aggressive behavior to beat down anyone delivering the bad news. Anyway, this is not about my sob stories. I'm an adult and we have kids who need a stable patent, so I'm making my own decisions here and don't regret them. However, I'll say that I agree with both you and the OP on the condition that, in each case, you are behaving responsibly. For the OP: have you tried to help? You made a decision to enter the relationship and you need to fulfill whatever obligation of human decency you think that puts on you. For you, are you trying on your end or are your lovers just medicine that you take to treat symptoms (in other words, are you just using)? No one expects a cure, just be a partner in trying.
How is that an unpopular opinion? Everyone thinks that mentally ill people deserve a patient and caring spouse, a lot of people just don’t want to be that spouse, because, as you said, it’s frustrating and often unequal.
I posted on reddit one time that "mentally ill people deserve to have a loving partner, so long as their partner chooses to be with them" and a bunch of people got angry at me and hundreds of people downvoted me. so no, it's not popular.
I’m very curious about that post. Does it still exist?
it was on my old account a couple months ago. it was on AITA. im not sure that i could find it or the post i was responding to
I think this opinion is either pretty popular or unpopular depending on the social group you are in. I've heard both "it's not your fault for leaving that abusive, crazy person" and "you are a selfish asshole for leaving when your SO needed you". I am mentally ill and I have hurt some people in my life due some shit I went through. I'd never blame someone for leaving me when they can't deal with me. The last I'd want is my SO to develope mental issues because of me.
I think it takes skills and a certain, very patient, personality to deal with it. If you constantly react to the illness instead of seeing the person behind it you will be worn down by it very quickly. Even then the other person may simply not have the mental and physical energy for it.
Well, I'm sorry that that's the society you are in. I went by society opinion where I'm from and after asking about the society frmo friends in other countries.
F
Yes. And having a mental illness is not an excuse to abuse, berate or be cruel to a partner. "I can't help it" is a cop out, not an explanation. It's okay to admit you need help with your mental health. It is not okay to use it as a weapon.
My wife of 20 years suffers from mental illness and now my son as well. I stay married to her only because I understand the nature of the illness and can adjust accordingly to it. If you can’t handle it then please don’t make the person with the illnesses life more difficult. They can’t help it. Would you be with someone in a wheel chair and put them down because they can’t walk?
Honestly imo it depends on what their "mental health issue" is.
Can you expand on that a bit? What would be the cutoff where it is no longer okay to leave someone with a mental illness?
If your partner just gave birth to your child you both agreed to having, fully knowing she had issues with mental illness beforehand. That's just one... I can think of another few?
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That came to mind as I started reading the other persons point. Postnatal depression is so weird, seems terrible for everyone.
If someone didn’t feel like they could handle staying with someone with a mental illness, I doubt they would decide to have a child with that person. That is, assuming this person is responsible whatsoever.
What if the mental illness came after the child? Is it right to claim custody of the child and abandon said person? My friend went into full blown schizophrenia when he was 22. I can’t imagine if he was a father at that point.
Personally, I still think it's okay to claim custody and leave the person. In the end, the kid is the most important thing in that situation. While having both parents might be the ideal situation, having a parent that will possibly harm or be a hindrance to the development of the child is worse. I say this as someone with bipolar type 2 disorder, sometimes a kid is better off without a parent with mental illnesses, that may be so extreme that it negatively affects the child's life growing up.
People rarely estimate their own abilities correctly. I think that is why so many people make promises they cannot keep.
I agree - it totally depends on the mental health issue. I have worked in mental health for the last 10 years and can confirm - it gets fucked severe. Loved ones get hurt. It’s hugely complex but it doesn’t make you a bad person at all to decide that you’ll struggle to cope with someone’s condition.
Borderline personality disorder, unstable bipolar or schizophrenia would be my guess. Relationships are nearly impossible in those cases.
Not true, even schizophrenia and bpd exist on a spectrum of severity and can be treated
If you cannot be your best self because of their mental illness, you should leave
Divorce rate is 45% ^^
Not really. If you get married in your 30s or late 20s it's much much lower. Odds heavily in your favour.
The longer you live with a person without being married, increases the probability of a divorce. Which naturally, people who marry in their 30s have a higher probability of having.
Look it up. Divorce rates are skewed by the massive divorce rates of people in the 18-21 range.
If statistics was that simple, why are people going to school for it? They should go to you! There are many things that cause bias for divorce rates, you picking out one of them doesn’t add any meaning to your statement (especially if the bias you picked out, has a bias such as the example I gave.) Think further.
Do you have a claim that you're making? Just quit weaselling and say something.
In the words of your generation No u
I already did homie. Make. A. Claim. Coward.
I wish debate class had this energy
As someone who has been in this situation, I agree. If you aren't mature enough or properly equipped to give your partner the support that they need, you can't be a good partner. I'm not advocating for jumping ship at the first sign of a trouble, but as OP said, there is a point where demands can overwhelm a person's ability to be a support. And for my own experience, it helped me realize that i didn't have all my shit sorted out yet either so separating was the best decision because it gave us the space to do the growing we each needed to do.
In my case, I left because she showed no desire to actually try to treat her bipolar disorder. And by that I mean she refused to take her medication or to talk to her doctor about new meds. And when questioned about it as I tried to help, she threw stuff at me and shouted me out the door. So yeah, I didn't go back.
I think you need to want to get better for your loved ones but first for yourself. If you don't accept your mental disorder you can't get better and learn to live a healthy live. Even though that can be tough to deal with.
Had a similar situation. My ex developed depression and would spend all day smoking weed, eating junk food, and playing video games. He wouldn’t make an effort to go outside, eat better, or cut back on smoking. I’m not saying doing those things would have cured him (I know that’s not how depression works), but his habits were clearly exacerbating the problem. When he started skipping therapy because he claimed “it was pointless” I knew that he wasn’t on track to do any better any time soon, and I had to break up with him to protect my own mental and emotional well-being. I hope things are better for you now.
You are under no obligation to sacrifice your mental health for someone else.
I think this is especially so if you have your own mental issues. If you being in a relationship is hurting your own mental health, then it should be ok for you to remove yourself from that situation, even if you leaving makes them worse. If you have the strength/fortitude to help someone in need, that’s awesome. But if they are just going to be a rock that’s pulling you underwater then you owe it to yourself to be selfish. But, do it in a way that’s easiest on both of you.
As a crazy person, I have never blamed the people that left me. Although i do think that if i had something physically wrong with me people would spit on those that left me. But because it is not always physically visible it is suddenly fine and dandy to treat someone like a piece of fecal matter. Eh, i get it though, why be friends with someone difficult when there is billions of other people a person can be friends with. I just laugh every time they come crawling back to me when other people treat THEM like shit. And then i close the door. Forgiveness is for christians.
Yeah, throw their own hypocrisy back in their faces!
My ex wasn’t mentally ill but had Aspergers. I had no issues with it and I would have tolerated the social awkwardness and the insecure paranoia. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around him and has to be so careful with what I’d say. He’d be fine all day then when we parted ways he’d text me about everything I said that sounded intentionally rude. That was okay. The breaking point was when he would use it as an excuse to justify his behaviour. My Dad didn’t approve of him and my ex loved stirring the pot and saying things to piss him off and would say he couldn’t help it.
I have mental illness as well as AIDS and I deny myself of any romantic encounters. No one should have to be involved in this mess. I’d be a bad person to let someone in my life.
While you may never be free of mental illness, you can learn to manage it. And if you’re managing okay, you don’t have to doom yourself to being single forever. As long as your partner knows what’s in store and they’re willing to be there for you, you’re not a bad person for being with them. Don’t be so hard on yourself :(
This is complicated cause I’ve been on both sides of the issue - more so with friendships than romantic relationships (I don’t really date) I have ptsd and am on the spectrum. I’m aware that it can be really draining so I start bending over backwards for the person because I don’t desire to project on them or hurt them in any way. This sadly 9/10 leads me to getting severely taken advantage of, gaslighted, and abused... I also feel it’s worth mentioning due to having depression as a side effect of PTSD, medications aren’t a magical fix and constantly/consistently need adjustments. Which can severely effect your mood and energy levels. (Not implying that people shouldn’t take their meds mind you.) I agree with something another poster said that having depression should not ban me from desiring love, kindness and respect. People who seem to believe otherwise are usually pretty terrifying folks... HOWEVER other other side of the coin - yes I’ve had those exact type of friends that very likely have some sort of fucked up mental health issue that they *refuse* to get treatment or help with outside of self diagnosing. Usually blame it on everyone else around them (especially parents. They always despise their parents) and take no responsibility for hurting others as a result. They are very capable and absolutely will seriously ruin your life and reputation blaming you for things you never did. It’s fucking awful.
is this unpopular?
I am mentally ill but in recovery and I really see now how I often acted toxic in previous relationships. My ex girlfriend broke up with me when I was in a psyche ward because she couldn't handle how I acted. Months later of no contact she texted me and apologized because she felt so terrible and how she "dropped me". I felt really bad that she felt so remorseful. Your SO is not and shouldn't be your therapist. When seriously mentally ill you need professional help. Wherever this opinion is unpopular or not; it really depends on your social circle I guess. I've seen both "fuck that crazy person, you are not obligated to help them" and "you are such a narcisstic asshole for leaving that mentally ill person" in different situations".
Sorry this comment is long, but this subject gets me heated: This posts reminds me of an r/AskMen that asked something along the lines of “how did your relationships with others change after you developed a mental illness?” Many of the responses consisted of something like “she left me a few weeks/months after I told her about my depression” “she broke up with me once I developed anxiety” etc. Those comments were met with dozens, if not hundreds, of replies like “she sounds like a bitch” “I’m sorry, she doesn’t deserve you” “this is why men don’t come forward” and more. It made me really angry because I also believe no one is obligated to stay with someone who has mental health issues. In fact, dating someone with mental health issues can be very emotionally draining and damaging to the other person. It’s not wrong to want to protect your own mental health. When my now ex developed depression, he turned into an entirely different person than when we started dating. His personality was something that I no longer found appealing. I tried to stay for a couple months and help, but at a certain point I realized I don’t have to stay in a relationship I’m not happy in. Once we broke up, a lot of his friends called me a bitch and a selfish person for breaking up with someone who was already depressed. One of them even told me “if he kills himself, it’s likely your fault”. Just because it’s harder for men to disclose their mental illnesses, doesn’t mean their SO is obligated to stay with them.
Sadly, our society has decided that putting chronically mentally ill persons into institutions was not such a good idea. Now they just cycle between jail and the street, they have no quality of life and live a wretched existence. Anyone who believe such an approach is more humane must be crazy themselves. . . You cannot force someone who is mentally ill to take their medication. Of course the predictable effect of discontinuing their med is well known. They rapidly spin out of control and their grip on reality continues to lessen until they become a true danger to themselves and others. So, we put them in jail overnight, kick them out the next day, and things only get worse. Great policy.
Yeah. That's so destructive and the social stigma also plays a part on the patient not wanting to get help.
Not wanting or totally unable to function to the point where they can get help. . .
That's another scenario in which case if the partner can't help out and get the patient the help they need it'll make things worse for the partner and the patient. There will be more harm done than good. like some people commented you can help as a friend and try and reach out to family of friends who can actually help out instead of doing mental and/or physical harm to each other
Very true. . .
Not unpopular. Downvote. Living with mentally ill people is hard. Besides you have every right to dump someone for any reason you want.
What is your definition of unpopular then? I've heard a lot of people thinking someone in the partner's position is an awful person which. Like that's the remark the society is making. That is kind of what unpopular is
I disagree that's what society says. If you dumped someone because they were mentally ill most people would be understanding. In fact if you were dating someone who was mentally ill most people would urge you to dump them. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "dating an insane person is such an awesome idea".
You are lucky to be from such a society but that's not the case in most parts of the world. This is from what I'm observing and from talking to friends who live in other countries. Glad that there is at least one part of the world where people/society is understanding
Where is "most parts of the world" I could only think that this mindset may be in more progressive countries where Mental Health is more of a talked about thing, but even then I live in one of the major countries, and literally no one has that mindset dating someone with a mental illness can be very difficult, and it's completely understandable that it may be to much There may be like very few people, but it's definitely no way a majority, and it seems like this post was made from a personal experience that in one way reflects the majority...
Where in the world is dating a mentally ill person considered a positive move?
There are places where the stigma is too much that once you are in it , you are IN IT. No going back without being judged or ostracized.
I’m ready to get many upvotes but I agree. I have been in situation like this, to the point when this person thought that therapy is complete bs, overdose medicaments and to the point that almost harmed me physically and a lot of emotionally and so many another traumatic details. I think the most important difference here is that many people don’t want to get professional help or isn’t willing to do anything to make this better
I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are right. The problem is especially when this person is not willing to get help though they know they need it. Hope you are in a better place now.
Thank you! I’m still trying to recover as this person is still in my life (not by my choice). This person get me through hell and I still have PTSD, there are so many details and horror but I’m really trying my best to heal
This comment is exactly part of the problem. This whole post is blanket categorizing everyone with “mental illness” (an absurdly broad category) as manipulative, violent, selfish... and especially unworthy of love (?!?)... because of their illness. You are more likely to be beat by someone who is deemed mentally sound than someone with a “mental illness”. And then they have to suffer with people who exhibit a high stigma against them, like you. Mentally ill people are ill. ABUSIVE PEOPLE ARE ABUSIVE.
I didn’t categorize everyone, but told about my situation and my experience which was only about one people. What exactly in my comment made you think I have hight stigma aginst those people? (if that is important to this comment - person I mentioned in post was diagnosed by professional and it wasn’t my opinion that this person has mental ilnesses)
It’s mostly because most mentally ill people refuse to try and work on themselves and are content with being complete psychopaths
Hahaha wow, fuck you. Aside from the obvious bullshit claim of “most mentally ill people”... it’s obvious you’re talking out of your ass. Mentally ill people already face impossible stigma - and here it’s being argued that they shouldn’t even look for love because they’re too toxic?? This opinion is far from unpopular, it’s the norm in fact.
Lol not that they shouldn’t look for love but to fix themselves or at least make themselves bearable so they don’t ruin someone else’s life. Idk why that’s a hard concept 😂😂😂 like seriously it’s not our fault you have issues why should WE have to deal with them
This is exactly what I mean - Now you’re categorizing all mentally ill people saying that they’re life-ruiners who refuse to help themselves. Your attitude here is exactly the problem. How don’t you see that? The stigma that you’re imposing on every person who is mentally ill does catastrophic damage. It strips a significant amount of support. It keeps people from seeking help. What you’re doing is unfortunately so common that people suffering from mental illness are often directed toward advice fighting the stereotypes and roadblocks that things like your shitty, casual assumptions cause.
They are tho. I mean think about what you’re saying. Imagine being so weak that instead of wanting to change those things you wallow in your flaws and pity. I have worked on my self to the point where I won’t cause damage to people I date. If you can’t accept the truth about yourself that’s not my fault or problem. Like think about how stupid you have to be to not seek help for the problem you complain about 😂😂 like no one deserves to be with a broken person who isn’t gonna work on Changing. Point blank period. Either get busy living or get busy dying. That’s the choice I made when I realized my ptsd is hurting the ones around me. Is it my fault I have ptsd? No but it’s my fault if I don’t work on become a functional part of society instead of a self pitying loser who thinks the world is gonna slow down for them because they went through some shit
THE POINT IS THAT YOU’RE CLAIMING THAT ALL MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE ARE DESTRUCTIVE AND REFUSE TO SEEK HELP. That is PATENTLY false and extraordinarily offensive, not to mention damaging. They are MORE likely to be manipulated and abused because of their vulnerabilities. I’m obviously not saying that mentally ill people can’t be abusers - but most abusers are not mentally ill. Your kind of attitude perpetuates the ignorant stereotype of MI people all being “Psycho”‘s Norman Bates or the guy making a “woman suit” out of real women’s skin from Silence of the Lambs. A disproportionate amount of attention and blame is then placed on the mentally ill, and the abusers who aren’t get swept under the rug. Part of me is just convinced you’re trolling. Meh, I don’t really have the patience for you anymore. I’m tired, I’m frustrated, and I’m on mobile.
Dude, just ignore this fool. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
I mean look at your insanity showing in this post . Most mentally ill people are destructive and refuse to seek help. It’s a proven fact. Hence why a high percentage of homeless people are mentally ill people who refuse to seek help. They’re equally likely to be abused and to be the abuser. All the things I’m saying are proven by psychology. Which I study. Deeply. Go take a prn and stop acting like your feelings mean more than facts. There’s a reason people like you were put in a asylums. You think it’s perfectly okay to be a psychopath
>Most mentally ill people are destructive and refuse to seek help. It’s a proven fact. It seems to me that you’re a bit confused about the term “proven fact,” but if you have sources to show that most people with mental illness refuse to get help, I’d love to see them. While there is some evidence that shows that many people with mental illnesses are not receiving treatment, it’s not necessarily a “proven fact” that they “refuse” to seek help. There are many reasons why a person may not be receiving treatment for mental illness, the most common being lack of financial resources, insurance issues, shortage of qualified mental healthcare workers, and mental health stigma. Now, what I just said is actually backed by research and evidence, which you can read [here.](https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/cbhsq-reports/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017.htm#tab8-33A) (Edit: and for a more user-friendly version, [here.](https://onlinedegrees.bradley.edu/blog/mental-health-in-america/)) >All the things I’m saying are proven by psychology. Which I study. Deeply. I also study psychology, deeply. I have a master’s degree in psychology and am a licensed therapist. I’d love to know your credentials and read some of the sources of the “proven facts” you’re referring to. Since we are fellow colleagues in the field of psychology, it would be great to share research about this topic.
I will agree with the articles point on lack of workers in the field is a contributing factor.
You clearly don’t have any experience in psychology. Because if you did you would know that the number one reason mentally ill people refuse help is their mental illnesses . That article actually proves what I said because if you reread it says that people choose to not receive help . Some masters of you can’t even read an article 😂😂 . It’s like the is everyone on reddit this stupid or what. Plenty of articles we observed ( second year at southern ct) pointed out the correlation between sympathy for the mentally ill and the push for self treatment. We treat people as if there’s nothing wrong with them and they therefore think there’s nothing wrong with them
Just out of curiosity, where exactly in the article does it say that most people choose to not receive help? Can you provide a quote? If I’m wrong, then I would like to know and will admit that I’m wrong. If I in fact “can’t read” and am wrong about what I said, please show me exactly where the article says it so I can admit that I’m wrong. If not, I stand by what I said.
>the number one reason mentally ill people refuse help is their mental illnesses. Wrong again. Please provide your source. The number one reason is actually because they can’t afford the cost of treatment. Please see Table 8.53A in this [actual research backed by data.](https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/cbhsq-reports/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017/NSDUHDetailedTabs2017.htm#tab8-33A)
..... you study psychology, but are totally okay with calling people who don't get help psychopaths? I highly doubt you study psychology, as I do and see no facts in your post what so ever. The fact that you still call them "asylum" shows you are not updated on your facts at all. Also, HOMELESS people do not seek help because they DONT HAVE THE MONEY OR RESOURCES for help. Some homeless people end up developing a mental illness due to the circumstances they are in. Don't speak out of your ass. Most people do SEEK help if they have the RESOURSES. Those who do not tend to not have the resources or do not realize they can fix it or have a problem. Also... if your points are PROVEN, post the facts, which there isn't any. This person never said they are okay with psychopaths. They just said you were calling most mentally ill people psychopaths and saying they do not seek help which is false. The person, also, never said anything about being with or against people seeking help. So your argument has nothing to do with their statements. You need to "study" more and hopefully not from Wikipedia.
Nice try. Thank you for letting me know I completely wasted my time.
Bro you’re completely insane and ignore facts for your feelings
I had a multi-year relationship when I was young with someone who was bipolar. It wasn't that she got extreme or wacko or violent or anything like that. I just knew something was off but didn't understand what it was. And I knew I needed to leave. One day on her own she checked herself into a clinic. I realized that if there was a time to leave, it would be while she was under the supervision of health care professionals that could take care of her. In the end it was the right choice for both of us.
I have (síndrome de personalidad histriónico, I don't know the name in English) and yes, that fucked almost all my relationships and all was my fault :)
> I don't know the name in English You ready for this? "Histrionic Personality Syndrome."
Personally, I wouldn't say that. It depends on each person you were in a relationship with and the what state of mind you were in. It's not right and wrong and black and white.
I am just curious to how this happens. Because shouldn't we noticed something was off in the first few dates? Why wait for it to get to the level of "partner"? I mean, wouldn't it be wrong to give them hope for a possible loving relationship and take it away from them? Or is this something developers years after your marriage? Is it really common for your spouse to develop mental illness later on? What would be the cause (other than losing their kids)?
Mental illness can go completely unnoticed for years and manifest at any time. Sometimes it can even be the result of a trauma (both physical and emotional). Especially in the senior demographic, mental illnesses which were never apparent before become full-blown. You can be married to somebody your entire adult life only to have them become somebody completely different as their body begins to break down.
Yikes, that sounds scary. Hope I never have to experience that. Thanks for the explanation.
Not mental illness is by birth. Depression, anxiety disorder and its likes may develop later in life when the person is already in a relationship
Even "from birth" conditions like schizophrenia, ADHD, bipolar, etc. may not manifest diagnosable symptoms until early adulthood.
I understand that part. But, wouldn't it normally manifested during teenage years? Hard to imagine what would cause the mental illness to develop later on.
It's difficult to diagnose mental illness in the teenage years because pretty much all teenagers have extreme emotional responses to minor things. A lot of even trained experts have a hard time separating mental illness from "just teenager things."
Ha that's true.
There might be a root here but unless some kind of triggerevent happens all that would be dormant and the the person will be normal and others can't see it either. The only ppl who might be able to see it before hand would be trained psychologists
I suppose it is like a timed bomb ready to be triggered. Thanks for answering.
Everyone has their own mental health issue, just like the Flight safety instructions always say, take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Yeah this is why I’m scared to get involved with people. I don’t wanna be toxic, I swear I try my hardest to not be though so at least there’s that?
What kind of mental illness does a person (not a mate or relationship partner but someone covert ) have when you are normal and fine and they lie and tell people something is wrong when there's not? That's what someone is trying to pull on me.
I'm terrified my partner will leave but I can fully understand why she would. This isn't a cry for help if anyone's wondering, I'm already working through the system. It just sucks when you feel like your relationship is racing against doctors.
If people are not equipped to deal with mental illness, it can be a huge burden to bear:(
Some people don't work on their illness and tend to use it to enable poor behavior. I can understand people not wanting to subject themselves to that in their lives.
Its like when wives leave soldiers. It’s not that they want to leave, it’s that they don’t like to be alone so much. Also, they they don’t want to live in fear of that knock at the door. People give those women a lot of crap but it’s self preservation. It really sucks but I kind of get it.
wait it doesn't?
I happen to agree with your unpopular opinion. There are so many mental illnesses of every hue. So, I shall just say that I would never knowingly go out with a schizophrenic, especially the paranoid variety. Before all the right-on redditors pounce on my opinion, I have had to tolerate alot over many years because of it. It's guaranteed that you become the carer of them and you won't be thanked for it. You have to put up or shut up about their delusions unless you like being classed as the enemy. Hardly romantic.
\*aggravated upvote\*
I don’t think I can ever have a partner. I have depression, GAD, and OCD. I don’t like being touched at all and I go through bad episodes but I’m fine being single.
I don't mind, or even judge, someone for leaving me when they can't stand my mental illness. They don't have to stay with someone who drives them crazy! But, if they fall ill and someone leaves them, they should shut up, because then they sound like a hypocrite.
I have mental illness - been dealing with it for my whole life. When I started dating my husband I told him right off about my issues and that I would not be easy to love. He didn't care. Over our 27 years of being together we have been through a lot. I am so glad we found each other. This all being said - I think it would be very unhealthy for me to be with someone who could not handle my mental health issues. I would rather be alone than with someone who couldn't adapt to my needs - but shouldn't that be true for any relationship - mental health problems or not?
Agreed 100%
Given the overwhelmingly positive response to this post, it makes me question how much we're talking about leaving someone with an actual "mental illness" as outlined in the DSM V and diagnosed by a professional versus a non-mentally ill person with what Szasz (Hungarian-American psychiatrist) would call "problems in living" ("issues", basically). Reminds me of what Trevor Noah said about mass shooters, specifically that the majority of mass shooters kill because they "want to, not because something 'went wrong' in their brain." There's plenty of research that backs this up; mentally ill people are far likelier to be the victims of violence and crime rather than the perpetrators. Mental illness is blamed too often for the bad behavior of people who are not mentally ill.
There’s a very fine line here and many tough decisions. Do you remain friends and you find a new partner? Do you stop all contact because you worry that finding a new partner while remaining friends will make you look like an asshole? How involved and not involved should you be? Every situation is different, every illness is different.
True and many people just judge because the partner has left. They have no idea what the partner has gone through, what the person with mental illness is like and lot more. It's the judging that sucks. If the partner left and need to get involved, find out what went wrong else people should just mind their own business instead of standing around and judging
I think that most people see it the same way as if it was a terminal illness. If your partner had cancer and was dying nobody would expect you to leave them even though the experience for the partner is terrible as well, so when somebody has a mental illness they also think you should stick by their side no matter what. And sure, most of them are manageable and partners who love each other should be supportive, but if we are talking about something *big* then it’s normal that you don’t to be there as a partner. Maybe as a friend, but not a partner.
This is absolutely not unpopular. Most people are not even willing to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness (talking about the more stigmatized ones like BPD and schizophrenia).
OP definitely posted this to make themselves feel better for leaving someone.
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It is when you have people thinking you're an awful person for doing what the partner did
A small minority doesn't at all reflect a large majority lol No one is ever going to unanimously like all of your choice that's just something you gotta accept
It's not a minority. I've asked around to see how it's in other countries
Looking around for the specific opinion you want is biased and doesn’t show majority vs minority views That isn’t “research” and it’s not like you did a census Asking a few people isn’t the same as asking 1000’s you literally CANNOT with the knowledge you have make the claim you are making it is literally an opinion and in no way held up by any basis Most of the world understands mental illness, and the countries that don’t care about literally don’t care if you leave your partner for that sole purpose, and for the countries that do care about mental illness just about all have the understanding that mental illness is a difficult thing to deal with
I have bipolar 2 and borderline. I agree with you completely.
As someone with a mental disability I totally agree. I would never blame my partner for leaving me if it became too much for him to handle. I think the same goes for any physical or mental illness. I don't know what the 'popular opinion' regarding this is, but I do think that people who are with a partner whom becomes ill feel an obligation to stay with them.
Well, where I'm from and after asking friends from other countries the partner is expected to stick around and fix it. This is especially in a heterosexual couple and the partner is a woman.
That's what I've gathered. I have a friend whose boyfriend became disabled after an accident, and she basically became his full-time caretaker. In addition to the physical disability he also became depressed (understandably), which just compounded the difficulty of caring for him. She stayed with him a lot longer than she should have - I think part of that was her feeling an obligation to him, and feeling that leaving him would make her a bad person.
Exactly and it's even worse in countries where arranged marriage is the norm. The wife needs to tolerate whatever the husband does no matter how toxic it is and then the society claims that arranged marriage is more successful. Tbh, it's not and the wife sticks around because usually she'll become an outcast if she gets divorced
Expectations from society: - No mental illness, a normal person = stay with them - Mild mental illness, unsociable asshole = dump them - Severe mental illness = stay with them
I would say it depends on the mental illness. My fiancée is diagnosed with bipolar disorder but she takes her medication regularly and in the 2 and a half years that I have been with her there were only 2 times where she had an outburst. If she didn't tell me that she was bipolar I honestly wouldn't have noticed.
I feel so targeted by this post. One of my friends whom I dated suffers from chronic depression and what I suspect is undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. In the course of our relationship I was there for her for something around two dozen suicide attempts. I have pulled knives away from her, wrestled her off ledges as she was trying to jump off, cleaned up her blood, and been there through more nights of sobbing existential questioning than I can count. She made me say goodbye to her several times and I genuinely thought she'd be dead the next day. All of this, only to have her claim due to whatever reasons she felt, that I didn't care about her, that I never cared about her, that I was with her just to get in her pants, and that I secretly hated her behind her back. I never left her because I knew if I did I'd get called every uncaring thing under the sun and I had convinced myself that standing by someone is what you do if you care about them. After watching my own mental health wither away and becoming depressed, angry, and emotionally distant from her I realized far too late that the most helpful thing to do sometimes is to just leave. She needed professional help and I was enabling her to not seek it by being her stand-in therapist. I don't doubt her pain throughout all of this time in her life. I know she was suffering. But the complete lack of ownership for her condition was one that I can't and won't entertain again. It's okay to suffer from mental health issues - lord knows I have plenty myself - but it's not okay to make someone who is untrained your sole emotional outlet.
Sure as shit won’t help the person either. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. it’s not always smooth sailing so if you can’t stick it out then you don’t deserve them
If the partner is causing more harm to the patient and themselves(happens a lot as each situation is unique) then in sickness in health has an exception
That does make you a bad person. You should stay with them and at least work together to help them.
That's pretty bad advice
How?
Your staying with someone who has a mental issue and just saying, "Just stay and try to fix it out", is not a good idea. If this person has a severe case then it could just make it worse
You can always stay with said person and work together to get through it. As someone with several mental health illnesses, I know how much support means to people with mental health illnesses. Any support that we receive can mean a lot to us.
Yeah that's not how it works. Sure it can help, but if they have a severe case then it's probably not gonna go anywhere. If it's not to bad then it might, but it's still not the best idea
If you have a problem, you work through it together. Sure, you'll have bad days etc, but you'll get through them together. Trust me, I know well enough.
Dude if they have a severe case then it's gonna be extremely hard. At that point most people would rather just go find someone else
Exactly. That's what not to do. You should stay together, and work through it. But most people are too selfish and think "fuck this, I can't help, you're on your own" don't you see what I'm saying?
Yeah because people who have disabilities and have problems aren't the easiest to work with. Obviously I'm not saying there wrong for doing so because they really can't control it sometimes, but why would someone stay with them if they treat them like dirt
Please read the description too. I've also mentioned that the person with mental illness is not ready to get help and do something from their side about it. This is when the person knows that they need to get help but is too proud/embarassed to do so. If the partner also ends up with a mental illness like depression because of this it does more harm than good to both people
[Repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/comments/fwem14/you_are_allowed_to_break_up_with_a_person_that_is/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Almost everything on this has been said before
Bad person? To the universe we are the same. Alternatively, each case should be evaluated individually.
True but society just general judges the partner as an awful person and doesn't bother to look further to know the truth
No they don't lol
Well then you live in a good society which is not common
This is a bad take and it’s not unpopular for anywhere that recognizes mental illness as an issue
damn hot take,...partner who has COVID 19
As a person with a mental illness...I completely agree with this. I've seen too many of my peers lean too heavily on their partner. No one can fix you but you. You have to take responsibility for your own mental well being you cannot ask your partner to fix it. That's not to say your partner can't help but ultimately it's your responsibility to take care of you
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If you're married, you swore 'in sickness and health", and breaking an oath does actually make you a 'bad' person. Otherwise, I guess it depends on how much you love your partner.
Well, that depends on the religion of the people to know what the wedding vows are
Good point. Kindly receive one karma point