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Need to read this study in detail but I took a long time to realize that it takes two to tango. I've had instances where I was the only one reaching out and felt guilty for not doing enough. Then I figured that they didn't really want to hang out. So I stopped reaching out and I likely never will.
I would argue that a lot of friend groups are in fact held together by the one person who actually organizes and gets everyone together. Someone has to do it and sometimes it's just you.
As the glue friend, I've responded to people saying 'let's hang out again that was really fun!' with 'okay you pick the next restaurant/movie/activity/etc' and I won't see them until I organize something again lmao
This was me. I stopped one day cause I felt like an event planner trying to juggle everyone's schedules and preferences. There are people I haven't spoken to in years. I'm all for keeping in touch but if they can't be bothered to call or even text me I'm not going to chase them down anymore.
My group lost the person that planned everything after he moved. I tried to take over, but getting everyone to hang out was like pulling teeth, so I quickly stopped. And now, we only hang when that friend comes into town every few months or so
There's someone who recently cut off communication with me and I've reached out a few times to see if she was OK. No response but still liked my stuff on ig. Not sure what to do at that point.
People are wired differently. Some folks are quite introverted by nature and aren't terribly comfortable initiating things. They may feel like they're actually bothering you by reaching out.
I know I'm not terribly great about keeping in touch with others because nothing is really different in my life - nothing new to report, haha. Doesn't mean that I don't want to see my friends though.
> vancouver why is it so hard to make friends"
Have you tried being multi - generational wealthy and owning a a large boat? It makes it lots easier! /s
Its a very reddit attitude tbh, people are constantly endorsing and justifying holding to resentment forever despite it obviously being super unhealthy.
Why do you assume it must be a resentment thing? Being the person who always reaches out and plans everything and has to coordinate everyone's schedule together/make reservations/buy tickets is tiring. If it gets too tiring and it's clear there's no reciprocation of effort and/or no appreciation of it, then it's reasonable to stop reaching out/organizing. It doesn't necessarily mean there's resentment or beef.
If the other person hit up comment OP occasionally, it sounds like they'd still be hanging out. It's probably healthier for comment OP to not be in one-way friendships.
"Reaching out" doesn't have to mean "planning everything / coordinating / etc."
Reaching out only has these additional burdens *by default*, when all your communication with the other person happens to be non-blocking / asynchronous, e.g. via email / chat messages. When that's the case, the other person can (and likely will) simply default to not responding if they don't can't make up their minds / don't know their future schedule well-enough / etc.
So... just make it so that that's not the case.
Find a time where you expect the other person is likely free... *maybe* message them first, to warm them up (if they respond to your messages)... and then *phone* them! On the call, make some nice small talk... but then put *them* on the spot to come up with a time to do something together.
They can't just say nothing. They've got to make a choice of either planning something together, or actively brushing you off.
If you've not caught them at a bad time; and if they're *actually* still your friend, i.e. someone who "would really" want to hang out, rather than that just being a polite social fiction — they'll probably lock something in!
I feel like people today have somehow lost the social skill of "knowing when it's okay to be pushy" like this. Sure, it's annoying when people *default* to trying to rope you into a call... especially when *strangers* do it... but when *your friends you haven't seen in forever, who you'd love to reconnect with* do it? In that context, being forced to make plans can be *appreciated!*
I also often see being an extrovert being considered a very negative trait. Like it's impossible to be drawn to social settings unless you hate yourself and are uncomfortable with your own mind.
This is kind of timely....
I had a large and very close knit friend group in my youth, and over the years people drifted apart because of work, marriage, and whatnot life changes. Over 20 years these things happen. People would still meet up and wonder why we'd never keep in touch more. A little time goes by and then a lot of time... and you start wondering if you aren't reaching out is if it because you aren't friends anymore... or perhaps it was one of those little grudges that they never told you about back in the day.
Lately it's been funerals. Yesterday was the first time in years that I had seen a few people... and we keep saying that every time now. It's always odd, because it is a sad time and in a way there is a kind of happiness as well during funerals. And you wish that it didn't keep taking these to bring people together.
I always thought that *"you never step in the same river twice"* and we all keep growing into different people as we age... I feel like such a different person from me 20 years ago. But seeing everybody again... the sense of familiarity and old times comes back so strong. The way they walk, they way they stutter a little getting long thoughts out, they way they absentmindedly twirl their hair, the same guarded cautiousness, the same mischievous sense of humour... it's all so evocative, it just comes rushing back.
I noticed this as I got older, most people really don’t have anything in common, I have virtually zero in common with the only two or three close friends that I have, it’s purely due to long term proximity
One of my favourite quotes ever is from some tweet I saw that said: “*Don’t know who needs to hear this, but living your life to the fullest does not need to involve hiking*.”
Vancouverites. Vancouverites need to hear this.
I genuinely believe people hike because of FOMO. because you live in Vancouver, you feel the need to use the surroundings that nowhere else has, since you're paying the price for it. Even if you don't enjoy it
Some of us hike because we genuinely enjoy being out in nature. For me it's genuinely a form of therapy.
I do think a lot of people do it to fit in though, or do it to get clout on social media or whatever. But that's far from limited to Vancouver, that's an everywhere problem.
Some of us were actually just born here and don’t have a choice but to pay the prices. We hike because we were born in the mountains, not because it’s a cool thing to do lol
Being born anywhere else in BC, it's the natural place to gravitate to if you want to live in a big-ish city with high amenities/variety, low pollution, and a warmer-but-not-arid climate.
My guess, though, is that most people who live in Vancouver, if they had been born nearer Toronto, would have ended up living in Toronto instead.
Dating in Vancouver is a Kafka-esque experience, when you aren't that kind of person, and so you're trying to find someone else who *also* isn't that kind of person.
It's bizarre, because I *know* that people who don't present as "the average Vancouverite" — people like myself — exist here. I've met them! (They're always taken, though. Or they're tourists.)
But anywhere where people are supposed to be "putting themselves out there" — out in public, at events, on dating apps, etc. — everyone is either that kind of person for real; or they're putting up a *facade* of being that kind of person.
Even the most introverted home-body sweatpants-wearing anime-nerd living here, *presents* themselves in public and online as some kind of latte-swilling kayak-paddling fitness guru yoga enthusiast who gets up at 5AM to run the seawall with their dog in their all-Lululemon track-suit.
And IMHO, this is the real reason Vancouver is the "no fun city." Everyone here is too afraid to let their real interests be known; instead, everybody just hides behind the most boring possible set of faux "standard" interests. And so nobody *with* any fun/unique interests, has any way to identify other people who *share* their interests, to hang out with.
I don’t believe that the average Vancouverite is some yippy hipster working downtown who hikes and goes out all the time, statistically that can’t be true given stats on median income. If the average person here actually is into hiking trails would be much much more congested
I didn't meant to imply that the majority of Vancouverites are actually "like that." Only a small vocal minority has to be "like that" — and judge everyone who isn't "like that" — for everyone else to feel "health, fitness, and taking-advantage-of-the-beautiful-natural-environment"-shamed into presenting themselves that way.
I feel like most of my friends don't really need that much in common to be friends. When my wife and I met we didn't have a ton in common interest wise either. Most of our friend activities and couple activities are based on things we decided to try out together.
Well there's different kinds of friendships. There are the friends who you hang out with just because you like the same hobbies and you need people to do those with, and there are the friends who you appreciate for who they are as a person.
The latter kind of friendship, you don't need to have much in common interest-wise, because the friendship goes much deeper than that; but the average person can probably count on one hand the number of such "deep" friends they have.
Yep, you make friends in school because you're sat next to each other for 8 hours a day. You make friends at shitty jobs because you're all stuck in the shit together. You make friends with your kids' friend's parents, because you've got to talk to them for at least a polite amount of time while you drop them off for playdates or sleepovers or whatever.
Unfortunately this means single people get left behind. And then it becomes a continuous feedback loop because it becomes harder and harder to meet anyone.
When I was single, as soon as people found partners, they wanted nothing to do with me. I’m now married but have several good friends. All are single. Just because I found a partner didn’t mean I dumped them.
Proximity is big for me. I hate long distance relationships. It’s all the obligation of a relationship with none of the warm in-person feeling of company that you get from it that makes relationships worth it. Friendships can be my favourite thing in the world when I can hang out and shoot the shit with someone, see a movie together, go to restaurants, do anything, etc… It can be the best part of life.
But try to replace that with just chats on a screen or phone calls, and I’m just like… Ughhh… 😒… leave me alone. Let me know when you want to hang out.
After becoming a parent, I never left my single friends out. I appreciate their existence and friendship because I’ve been in their place. Funny enough, two of my friends who are parents too are the ones actually drifting away. One became anti-social because she barely has time to herself. And the other is reluctant to share anything else besides her child. It’s been super challenging to communicate with them and I just don’t bother to anymore.
It’s tough. It sometimes or mostly feels one sided where the other party doesn’t make any effort to reach out or connect. It’s hard to rebuild a relationship when it’s one sided. People change over time and as we get older, generally life is way more busy with relationships, families, work, hobbies, etc. Lastly, sometimes friendships end for a reason, whether it’s known why or not and sometimes it’s not easy to rekindle these types of friendships.
It depends on your generation. Most of the people I grew up with either ended up on the downtown east side or left Vancouver.
I left Vancouver and ended up moving back once I made my money and found out only 2 of my friends "exist". And one is moving to Calgary next week.
It is pretty hard to "make it" in Vancouver.
I reached out to an old friend once. Big mistake, they turned out to not be the greatest person to be around. Lesson learned to just not reach out to people in the past, they’re there for a reason.
This quote has stuck with me.
The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.
Esther Perel
first ive heard, thanks for sharing. Im learning a lot from my friends on their quality of relationship. i didnt have many friends growing up and now im learning to be better friends from my friends too.
I know I’ve considered reaching out to old friends but havent done it due to guilt… about having gone so long without reaching out to them!
Recently did get back in touch with an old friend, made plans, and we had a really nice time. I know I should do it more, but it IS really
tough to bring yourself to send that text and say “Hey, I know it’s been 11 years but how are things? Wanna grab dinner?” That combo of possible rejection and shame for not keeping in touch is a lot!
It's not surprising, we have a very anxious and anti-social culture and society. Its going to follow that people have more stunted personal lives because of that.
I noticed a lot of people like some regularity as friends. While I have a lot of friends who are cool with only hearing from me once in awhile, I also have the closer knit friends who want more. Old friends are great to fall back on, the more I try to do it the more those old friends want something more regular. My problem is that I hardly have enough time to maintain one friend. If I have 7 friends and each want to see me once per week, I have no fucking time to myself, which is so important to me as an introvert. I actually want to see all my old friends... I feel guilty that I don't. But I'll also feel guilty if I do! Maybe a different reason as to why I don't necessarily reach out to old friends, but it's a reason (for me) nonetheless.
Agree with this. I work full time, and hanging out after work is usually a no-go because I'm too tired. I spend my whole week indoors sitting at a computer, so on weekends I like to spend one day in nature walking/hiking. The other day is reserved for chilling/running errands/ preparing for the week. I try to squeeze in social engagements as well, but as a result I end up spending much more time with friends who are also into hiking because I know how to incorporate them into my routine.
I'm also really tired after work and work full time, but the weekdays are the only time I have for other people. Weekend reserved for partner and errands. 4-day work week would help so much with that. Blah.
This news bet recommended about called "Friendship in the Age of Loneliness" and it is a really good book with some great tips if anybody needs them or finds it hard to connect or reconnect with friends in this post-pandemic era of isolation and zoom meetings lol!
Personally I can’t stand people who don’t make an effort to meet up, however they have time to see other friends which just tells me I’m not prioritized. Ultimately I stop reaching out. I rather spend my time with family or friends who prefer quality time together. People change and friends drift apart based on lifestyle and values. It goes both ways, all about choices.
There's a reason why they are old friends. You drift apart and or no longer have things in common. As I grow older I just want a close nit group of 1-2 families with kids near similar ages and parents with similar interests. These are the people who you can depend on and vice versa.
I am always the one reaching out to people to do stuff. If I didn't, I would never see or hear from 90% of my friends....unless they needed something aside from just hanging out.
It’s definitely tough. There’s a few friend group chats that I’m part of and I don’t really have much in common with some of the members.
Maybe it’s silly but I get cheerful when a new patch comes out and all the steam friends I’ve made over the decade are just logged on. I like fandom conventions too, it really breaks some ice to catch up.
In my 20s I would put up with a lot of immature/poor behavior directed at me from my group of friends. As I grew older I became less and less tolerant of this behavior, to the point where I stop contacting them.
Years passed and occasionally an old friend would reach out; unfortunately things always revert to what they were like in our 20s.
I haven't communicated with any old friends in years - and I prefer it that way.
People move on... I mean, I'll always love the guys I grew up with, and anytime I've connected with someone from my past has been awesome, but we all change 🤷🏻♂️
I’ve reached out to old highschool friends and some of them are hardly interested. Its tough to get people to hangout when you dont have reasons to bump into eachother in person
From the actual research paper:
> "While the quality of relationships matters, so too do the quantity and diversity of social connections. Social network size is positively associated with greater well-being, and recent work spanning multiple international data sets indicates that people who have more diverse relationship networks also report greater well-being. These findings align with recent theorizing in relationship science which cautions against relying on any one person to fulfill all of one’s emotional needs. Instead, people who turn to different social connections for different emotion regulation needs (e.g., calling on one person to cheer them up when they are sad, and a different person to calm them down when they are anxious) report higher well-being."From the actual research paper: "While the quality of relationships matters, so too do the quantity and diversity of social connections. Social network size is positively associated with greater well-being, and recent work spanning multiple international data sets indicates that people who have more diverse relationship networks also report greater well-being. These findings align with recent theorizing in relationship science which cautions against relying on any one person to fulfill all of one’s emotional needs. Instead, people who turn to different social connections for different emotion regulation needs (e.g., calling on one person to cheer them up when they are sad, and a different person to calm them down when they are anxious) report higher well-being."
For me it's more that if I'm going to invest in restarting a relationship I need to think I have time and effort to put in. I have a few old friends that will reach out or I'll send a message but we don't really meet up because we just don't have time or don't live close by. My friendship roster is kind of already maxed out and I also have prioritize time and energy for my wife's friends as well.
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Need to read this study in detail but I took a long time to realize that it takes two to tango. I've had instances where I was the only one reaching out and felt guilty for not doing enough. Then I figured that they didn't really want to hang out. So I stopped reaching out and I likely never will.
I would argue that a lot of friend groups are in fact held together by the one person who actually organizes and gets everyone together. Someone has to do it and sometimes it's just you.
As the glue friend, I've responded to people saying 'let's hang out again that was really fun!' with 'okay you pick the next restaurant/movie/activity/etc' and I won't see them until I organize something again lmao
"Glue Friend" That's a first for me - thanks!
This is my wife and I. If we don’t organize, nothing ever happens. Unreal.
I'm the glue friend and it gets old *real* quick.
This was me. I stopped one day cause I felt like an event planner trying to juggle everyone's schedules and preferences. There are people I haven't spoken to in years. I'm all for keeping in touch but if they can't be bothered to call or even text me I'm not going to chase them down anymore.
That's a good counterpoint, I've noticed this in groups too at times.
That's quite true for my friend group. We've replaced the glue with Wordle.
My group lost the person that planned everything after he moved. I tried to take over, but getting everyone to hang out was like pulling teeth, so I quickly stopped. And now, we only hang when that friend comes into town every few months or so
Friends - the one when Chandler and Ross are excited when an old friend named Gandalf is coming to town.
I’m that person.
There's someone who recently cut off communication with me and I've reached out a few times to see if she was OK. No response but still liked my stuff on ig. Not sure what to do at that point.
recognize that "liking" your stuff on ig is probably the extent of the connection that they want. Actions speak louder than words.
They might be mad at about something.
yea, especially after they got married rip
People are wired differently. Some folks are quite introverted by nature and aren't terribly comfortable initiating things. They may feel like they're actually bothering you by reaching out. I know I'm not terribly great about keeping in touch with others because nothing is really different in my life - nothing new to report, haha. Doesn't mean that I don't want to see my friends though.
>So I stopped reaching out and I likely never will. /r/vancouver "why is it so hard to make friends"
So what would be a recommended number of reach outs? Presumably you're saying that one should never stop, is that correct?
> vancouver why is it so hard to make friends" Have you tried being multi - generational wealthy and owning a a large boat? It makes it lots easier! /s
Its a very reddit attitude tbh, people are constantly endorsing and justifying holding to resentment forever despite it obviously being super unhealthy.
Why do you assume it must be a resentment thing? Being the person who always reaches out and plans everything and has to coordinate everyone's schedule together/make reservations/buy tickets is tiring. If it gets too tiring and it's clear there's no reciprocation of effort and/or no appreciation of it, then it's reasonable to stop reaching out/organizing. It doesn't necessarily mean there's resentment or beef. If the other person hit up comment OP occasionally, it sounds like they'd still be hanging out. It's probably healthier for comment OP to not be in one-way friendships.
"Reaching out" doesn't have to mean "planning everything / coordinating / etc." Reaching out only has these additional burdens *by default*, when all your communication with the other person happens to be non-blocking / asynchronous, e.g. via email / chat messages. When that's the case, the other person can (and likely will) simply default to not responding if they don't can't make up their minds / don't know their future schedule well-enough / etc. So... just make it so that that's not the case. Find a time where you expect the other person is likely free... *maybe* message them first, to warm them up (if they respond to your messages)... and then *phone* them! On the call, make some nice small talk... but then put *them* on the spot to come up with a time to do something together. They can't just say nothing. They've got to make a choice of either planning something together, or actively brushing you off. If you've not caught them at a bad time; and if they're *actually* still your friend, i.e. someone who "would really" want to hang out, rather than that just being a polite social fiction — they'll probably lock something in! I feel like people today have somehow lost the social skill of "knowing when it's okay to be pushy" like this. Sure, it's annoying when people *default* to trying to rope you into a call... especially when *strangers* do it... but when *your friends you haven't seen in forever, who you'd love to reconnect with* do it? In that context, being forced to make plans can be *appreciated!*
I also often see being an extrovert being considered a very negative trait. Like it's impossible to be drawn to social settings unless you hate yourself and are uncomfortable with your own mind.
Why is that surprising. Shit, I’m reluctant to reach out to current friends.
I should WhatsApp Bob. But first let me swipe down on Reddit.
Bob here. Message anytime. Still got my number?
That's actually just sad and shouldn't be bragged about.
I don't think that was a brag. I read it as a self-admonishment.
This is kind of timely.... I had a large and very close knit friend group in my youth, and over the years people drifted apart because of work, marriage, and whatnot life changes. Over 20 years these things happen. People would still meet up and wonder why we'd never keep in touch more. A little time goes by and then a lot of time... and you start wondering if you aren't reaching out is if it because you aren't friends anymore... or perhaps it was one of those little grudges that they never told you about back in the day. Lately it's been funerals. Yesterday was the first time in years that I had seen a few people... and we keep saying that every time now. It's always odd, because it is a sad time and in a way there is a kind of happiness as well during funerals. And you wish that it didn't keep taking these to bring people together. I always thought that *"you never step in the same river twice"* and we all keep growing into different people as we age... I feel like such a different person from me 20 years ago. But seeing everybody again... the sense of familiarity and old times comes back so strong. The way they walk, they way they stutter a little getting long thoughts out, they way they absentmindedly twirl their hair, the same guarded cautiousness, the same mischievous sense of humour... it's all so evocative, it just comes rushing back.
This is beautifully written
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I noticed this as I got older, most people really don’t have anything in common, I have virtually zero in common with the only two or three close friends that I have, it’s purely due to long term proximity
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We have plenty in common in Vancouver we all love hiking, sushi and $8 lattes /s
One of my favourite quotes ever is from some tweet I saw that said: “*Don’t know who needs to hear this, but living your life to the fullest does not need to involve hiking*.” Vancouverites. Vancouverites need to hear this.
I genuinely believe people hike because of FOMO. because you live in Vancouver, you feel the need to use the surroundings that nowhere else has, since you're paying the price for it. Even if you don't enjoy it
Some of us hike because we genuinely enjoy being out in nature. For me it's genuinely a form of therapy. I do think a lot of people do it to fit in though, or do it to get clout on social media or whatever. But that's far from limited to Vancouver, that's an everywhere problem.
This is partly why I feel like I can’t make friends in Vancouver. I’m not going hiking with you.
But of you aren't in nature, why the hell pay the massive price of living here?
Some of us were actually just born here and don’t have a choice but to pay the prices. We hike because we were born in the mountains, not because it’s a cool thing to do lol
Being born anywhere else in BC, it's the natural place to gravitate to if you want to live in a big-ish city with high amenities/variety, low pollution, and a warmer-but-not-arid climate. My guess, though, is that most people who live in Vancouver, if they had been born nearer Toronto, would have ended up living in Toronto instead.
I like two of those things.. $8 latte’s hell nah
Dating in Vancouver is a Kafka-esque experience, when you aren't that kind of person, and so you're trying to find someone else who *also* isn't that kind of person. It's bizarre, because I *know* that people who don't present as "the average Vancouverite" — people like myself — exist here. I've met them! (They're always taken, though. Or they're tourists.) But anywhere where people are supposed to be "putting themselves out there" — out in public, at events, on dating apps, etc. — everyone is either that kind of person for real; or they're putting up a *facade* of being that kind of person. Even the most introverted home-body sweatpants-wearing anime-nerd living here, *presents* themselves in public and online as some kind of latte-swilling kayak-paddling fitness guru yoga enthusiast who gets up at 5AM to run the seawall with their dog in their all-Lululemon track-suit. And IMHO, this is the real reason Vancouver is the "no fun city." Everyone here is too afraid to let their real interests be known; instead, everybody just hides behind the most boring possible set of faux "standard" interests. And so nobody *with* any fun/unique interests, has any way to identify other people who *share* their interests, to hang out with.
I don’t believe that the average Vancouverite is some yippy hipster working downtown who hikes and goes out all the time, statistically that can’t be true given stats on median income. If the average person here actually is into hiking trails would be much much more congested
I didn't meant to imply that the majority of Vancouverites are actually "like that." Only a small vocal minority has to be "like that" — and judge everyone who isn't "like that" — for everyone else to feel "health, fitness, and taking-advantage-of-the-beautiful-natural-environment"-shamed into presenting themselves that way.
I feel like most of my friends don't really need that much in common to be friends. When my wife and I met we didn't have a ton in common interest wise either. Most of our friend activities and couple activities are based on things we decided to try out together.
Well there's different kinds of friendships. There are the friends who you hang out with just because you like the same hobbies and you need people to do those with, and there are the friends who you appreciate for who they are as a person. The latter kind of friendship, you don't need to have much in common interest-wise, because the friendship goes much deeper than that; but the average person can probably count on one hand the number of such "deep" friends they have.
Yep, you make friends in school because you're sat next to each other for 8 hours a day. You make friends at shitty jobs because you're all stuck in the shit together. You make friends with your kids' friend's parents, because you've got to talk to them for at least a polite amount of time while you drop them off for playdates or sleepovers or whatever.
Unfortunately this means single people get left behind. And then it becomes a continuous feedback loop because it becomes harder and harder to meet anyone.
When I was single, as soon as people found partners, they wanted nothing to do with me. I’m now married but have several good friends. All are single. Just because I found a partner didn’t mean I dumped them.
Proximity is big for me. I hate long distance relationships. It’s all the obligation of a relationship with none of the warm in-person feeling of company that you get from it that makes relationships worth it. Friendships can be my favourite thing in the world when I can hang out and shoot the shit with someone, see a movie together, go to restaurants, do anything, etc… It can be the best part of life. But try to replace that with just chats on a screen or phone calls, and I’m just like… Ughhh… 😒… leave me alone. Let me know when you want to hang out.
My husband and I met online years ago. Part of the reason we ended up together is he lived a 15 minute walk away (neither of us drives).
After becoming a parent, I never left my single friends out. I appreciate their existence and friendship because I’ve been in their place. Funny enough, two of my friends who are parents too are the ones actually drifting away. One became anti-social because she barely has time to herself. And the other is reluctant to share anything else besides her child. It’s been super challenging to communicate with them and I just don’t bother to anymore.
It’s tough. It sometimes or mostly feels one sided where the other party doesn’t make any effort to reach out or connect. It’s hard to rebuild a relationship when it’s one sided. People change over time and as we get older, generally life is way more busy with relationships, families, work, hobbies, etc. Lastly, sometimes friendships end for a reason, whether it’s known why or not and sometimes it’s not easy to rekindle these types of friendships.
My old friends sucked.
Yeah, maybe don't reach out to friends you didn't treat as a priority or treated badly.
You really gonna imply that? 😂 they treated ME badly.
You guys have friends to reach out to?
It depends on your generation. Most of the people I grew up with either ended up on the downtown east side or left Vancouver. I left Vancouver and ended up moving back once I made my money and found out only 2 of my friends "exist". And one is moving to Calgary next week. It is pretty hard to "make it" in Vancouver.
When you say Vancouver are you discussing Vancouver proper or the entire lower mainland/Greater Vancouver?
I would say lower mainland but it depends where you live. I grew up in the Coquitlam/Port Moody Area.
https://preview.redd.it/oda5y31kynwc1.png?width=300&format=png&auto=webp&s=bb7a5781740b9a984bf31f9d90251357b7ad7f80
Which baddie are you? <.<
Old friends? Even now friends are too much hassle!
I reached out to an old friend once. Big mistake, they turned out to not be the greatest person to be around. Lesson learned to just not reach out to people in the past, they’re there for a reason.
This quote has stuck with me. The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity. Esther Perel
first ive heard, thanks for sharing. Im learning a lot from my friends on their quality of relationship. i didnt have many friends growing up and now im learning to be better friends from my friends too.
I know I’ve considered reaching out to old friends but havent done it due to guilt… about having gone so long without reaching out to them! Recently did get back in touch with an old friend, made plans, and we had a really nice time. I know I should do it more, but it IS really tough to bring yourself to send that text and say “Hey, I know it’s been 11 years but how are things? Wanna grab dinner?” That combo of possible rejection and shame for not keeping in touch is a lot!
They could also reach out to you and haven't. The blame isn't all on your shoulders, icecream.
It's not surprising, we have a very anxious and anti-social culture and society. Its going to follow that people have more stunted personal lives because of that.
The irony is that as we get more tech and tools to stay connected, we get increasingly isolated.
I noticed a lot of people like some regularity as friends. While I have a lot of friends who are cool with only hearing from me once in awhile, I also have the closer knit friends who want more. Old friends are great to fall back on, the more I try to do it the more those old friends want something more regular. My problem is that I hardly have enough time to maintain one friend. If I have 7 friends and each want to see me once per week, I have no fucking time to myself, which is so important to me as an introvert. I actually want to see all my old friends... I feel guilty that I don't. But I'll also feel guilty if I do! Maybe a different reason as to why I don't necessarily reach out to old friends, but it's a reason (for me) nonetheless.
Agree with this. I work full time, and hanging out after work is usually a no-go because I'm too tired. I spend my whole week indoors sitting at a computer, so on weekends I like to spend one day in nature walking/hiking. The other day is reserved for chilling/running errands/ preparing for the week. I try to squeeze in social engagements as well, but as a result I end up spending much more time with friends who are also into hiking because I know how to incorporate them into my routine.
I agree with this too. Yet another reason the four day work week would be awesome!
Hear, hear. There is no such thing as work life "balance" when you work 5/7 days. The math just doesn't work!!
I'm also really tired after work and work full time, but the weekdays are the only time I have for other people. Weekend reserved for partner and errands. 4-day work week would help so much with that. Blah.
This news bet recommended about called "Friendship in the Age of Loneliness" and it is a really good book with some great tips if anybody needs them or finds it hard to connect or reconnect with friends in this post-pandemic era of isolation and zoom meetings lol!
Personally I can’t stand people who don’t make an effort to meet up, however they have time to see other friends which just tells me I’m not prioritized. Ultimately I stop reaching out. I rather spend my time with family or friends who prefer quality time together. People change and friends drift apart based on lifestyle and values. It goes both ways, all about choices.
There's a reason why they are old friends. You drift apart and or no longer have things in common. As I grow older I just want a close nit group of 1-2 families with kids near similar ages and parents with similar interests. These are the people who you can depend on and vice versa.
That’s unfortunate.
Yeah people who have kids and then drop you as a friend because you didn’t make the same life choice as them are the worst.
I am always the one reaching out to people to do stuff. If I didn't, I would never see or hear from 90% of my friends....unless they needed something aside from just hanging out.
It’s definitely tough. There’s a few friend group chats that I’m part of and I don’t really have much in common with some of the members. Maybe it’s silly but I get cheerful when a new patch comes out and all the steam friends I’ve made over the decade are just logged on. I like fandom conventions too, it really breaks some ice to catch up.
In my 20s I would put up with a lot of immature/poor behavior directed at me from my group of friends. As I grew older I became less and less tolerant of this behavior, to the point where I stop contacting them. Years passed and occasionally an old friend would reach out; unfortunately things always revert to what they were like in our 20s. I haven't communicated with any old friends in years - and I prefer it that way.
This study obviously doesn't take into consideration my drinking habits
Because they are not your friends
People move on... I mean, I'll always love the guys I grew up with, and anytime I've connected with someone from my past has been awesome, but we all change 🤷🏻♂️
I’ve reached out to old highschool friends and some of them are hardly interested. Its tough to get people to hangout when you dont have reasons to bump into eachother in person
From the actual research paper: > "While the quality of relationships matters, so too do the quantity and diversity of social connections. Social network size is positively associated with greater well-being, and recent work spanning multiple international data sets indicates that people who have more diverse relationship networks also report greater well-being. These findings align with recent theorizing in relationship science which cautions against relying on any one person to fulfill all of one’s emotional needs. Instead, people who turn to different social connections for different emotion regulation needs (e.g., calling on one person to cheer them up when they are sad, and a different person to calm them down when they are anxious) report higher well-being."From the actual research paper: "While the quality of relationships matters, so too do the quantity and diversity of social connections. Social network size is positively associated with greater well-being, and recent work spanning multiple international data sets indicates that people who have more diverse relationship networks also report greater well-being. These findings align with recent theorizing in relationship science which cautions against relying on any one person to fulfill all of one’s emotional needs. Instead, people who turn to different social connections for different emotion regulation needs (e.g., calling on one person to cheer them up when they are sad, and a different person to calm them down when they are anxious) report higher well-being."
For me it's more that if I'm going to invest in restarting a relationship I need to think I have time and effort to put in. I have a few old friends that will reach out or I'll send a message but we don't really meet up because we just don't have time or don't live close by. My friendship roster is kind of already maxed out and I also have prioritize time and energy for my wife's friends as well.
no time for current friends, defo no time for past friends
too funny, I guess a common hobby would be good to reach out after a while!
Let's be serious for a moment. Talking to people is creepy. I even avoid my parents ew.
what is the worst that can happen? best case is you get a job, friends, a love interest
Well, the original post was a joke. But people in this subreddit are always complaining about being loneliness while crying about how ick everyone is.