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I work at the Institute for Planetary and System Acquisition. I’m just a clerk who files title deeds and records sales. Boring stuff really.
I noticed an odd trend lately. Death Worlds, or slums as we call them, are dirt cheap and many species buy them in bulk at auction to start building an empire.
These humans, though. Every Monday morning after an auction, they are like the ONLY species recording transactions. They don’t even have the infrastructure to visit 2/3 of these worlds, let alone do anything with them.
So anyway, I ask this guy who’s been coming here for a few years now, “what y’all doing with all these worlds, anyway?”
He looks up from his tablet, thinks for a moment, and says, I kid you not, he says, “I wanna be a slum lord.”
He didn’t elaborate. Then two weeks later I hear about him buying a paradise world. Perfect in every way for a human. Said it was his new home. An entire planet just for him? I asked again, “seriously, what did you do with all those worlds? And how did you get so fucking rich?”
He hands me a pamphlet, and it reads, “Rent to own your own planet! No money down, easy terms. Financing readily available.”
Alien Assistant: Sir why pay so much for a dead-world? PXX - Sekmeht 6 is entirely uninhabitable. After its sun went supernova its surface is nothing but a scorched glass wasteland, it's completely resource barren.
Human Tycoon: Uninhabitable, yes. Resource barren, no. While the surface may be waste its core is pure molten lithium.
AA: Are you saying you mean to mine the planet's core?
HT: Of course not, don't be stupid... I mean to blow the whole thing to kingdom come and mine the tiny exploded chunks.
AA: Surely, you can't be serious.
HT: I am, and don't call me Shirley.
> its core is pure molten lithium.
Holy shit. You know what lithium-6 does when subjected to a nuclear explosion? It eats neutrons and shits tritium. And if the neutrons are fast enough, so does lithium-7… suddenly essentially the entire planet decays into fusion fuel which is immediately burned. How many cubic Jupiters of hot gas at fifty million degrees does a planet suddenly detonating produce? That's not going to be mined for lithium, it's going to be converted into a strategic weapon that can destroy entire star systems!
"Thank you for your purchase... But, I'm still curious, why were you so eager into buying Astraiga 4, mister Mensrall?"
"I can't dispose of malfunctioning biohazardous weapons on the same planet I produce them."
"Ah..."
"If you say anything about that, I'll have you visit Astraiga 4 after this."
I would tend to think so, but dumping feral self-replicating __weapons__ on a deathworld with a strong selection pressure to become more dangerous…
Do you *want* Tyrranids? Because that's how you get Tyrannids!
He has some words with your imediate superior, and you're immediately scheduled for a "subject expert" promotion, which coincidentally includes making sure you're always subject to review by a "leader of men" officer and their advisory team.
You're never bored, and never feel the need to investigate that line of thinking, since your career offers you so many fulfilling opportunities to do Science™ for The Greater Good™.
Alien: What could you possibly do with Legini-Z6? The gravity is way too high to live on?
Human: Diamonds.
A: D...Diamonds?
H: We can make diamonds and other minerals that require intense pressure. Just gather the stuff up, load them into a storage unit and store them on-site. We only need a month to make what takes 20 years on any normal planet. And it's almost literally a hundred times cheaper than using artificial production processes. Almost certainly a million times cheaper if we make use of every square inch of the planet.
In my opinion, space elevator may be more feasible, that, or catapulting them at intense speeds, yeah humans wouldn’t survive the speeds, but my argument is simple, robots, androids, and remote controlled drones, can
Exactly, ‘tis something humans do, that aliens don’t even consider
Aliens: “we failed the first time, so it probably can’t be done”
Humans: “hmmmmm, ok, ok, I hear you, counterpoint, LETS TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME!”
Have you ever heard of an [Oberth maneuver?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oberth_effect) It's like a [gravity slingshot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravity_assist) combined with a hard burn. Through spacetime fuckery, burning your rocket at the deepest part of the slingshot extracts more energy from the fuel. Somehow, momentum is conserved despite this, and yes, this is a real thing.
With a gravity well THAT deep, you've got a great candidate for launching interstellar missions to obscene speeds with only chemical rockets. But what happens when you take that and drive a nuclear rocket through it?
You've basically just bought a spacetime catapult. (Catapult in the sense of the steam (and soon coilgun) catapults used on aircraft carriers to yeet aircraft to high speeds before they even leave the deck). If you can't figure out how to use this to make a fortune shipping stuff from everyhere to everywhere, then… you're not really trying hard.
Alien salesman: Planet HC-468. This world is mostly covered in dense jungle, forest, and swampland. It is known to have the most dangerous predators on that half of the galaxy. Most notably, the Cryxtak, which is in Earth terms much like a Tiger cross with Praying Mantis and roughly the size of an Elephant.
Human Representative: Sounds like it would make excellent hunting. I'll take it.
AS: Uhh. Very good, yes. Now Planet TX-924. This world has a perpetual continent sized storm on its north western hemisphere. Only a small portion of the planet is "habitibable," and even that still has to deal with never-ending winds.
HR: So it would be a great pace for handglinding, base jumping, and kiting. I'll take it.
AS: ... If, if you are certain. Now this one. ZZ-666. This one has zombies. It's a localized virus that has a currently unknown source, so no methods of removing it have been successful. All 13 billion previous residents are now combined as are virtually all known flora and fauna, and the virus has mutated them into some truly horridic-
HR: I'll take it.
AS: WHY?!! Why would you want this?
HR: Halloween party.
Ehhhh, that's what telepresence drones are for. Problem with that is once you enter that biosphere, you can't be permitted to leave. Roach Motel protocol. You leave, and you'll probably spread the plague to another world and kill a few billion sophonts plus all the wildlife suffering, too. So even "winning" those life-or-death fights is a death sentence, 'cause you've got it now. In fact, I imagine being eaten alive would imply less suffering than slowly dying of zombie plague.
Nah, better all around if the drivers are in orbit, and they use remote-control "toy soldiers" to fight the zombies instead.
Man, people would pay to go to a station orbiting that place, strap into a telepresence rig, and remotely pilot a space-marine bot dropping into zombieville on a mission of murder. Games Workshop would almost certainly be willing to build Space Marine World into a theme park that makes the ambition of Jurassic World blush.
A: Sir, you are aware of what planets you are buying, correct?
H: Yes, yes I am.
A: I need to remind you that those are deathworlds.
H: I am well aware why they are so cheap.
A: And you stated that you are buying them for colonization purposes. You do know that if you add terraforming into the costs that you are paying far more than you would for gardenworlds, right?
H: Terraforming?
> Terraforming
"Terraforming? Oh, no, we're habiforming those systems."
"… Habiforming? What do you mean by that?"
"We're strip-mining the deathworld, and using the minerals to build a Dyson sphere, and living on __that."__
"… oh. Shit. Holy shit."
"In the meantime, we're building a Banks orbital to house the construction crew we'll need for the sphere…"
“You understand, this planet is a death sentence.”
“Not for humans.”
“Listen, I know you guys have a reputation, but as your finical advisor I can’t in good conscience-“
“The planet is covered in plants.”
“Yes.”
“Basically a planet of pleasant meadows, cool streams, and -“
“And plants whose pollen is a neurotoxin! Nothing can live through spring there except the creatures that evolved there!”
“And humans.”
“Ok. I’ll bite. What weird quirk of human biology makes this planet attractive to humans?”
“T. H. C.”
“Pardon?”
“The pollen. It breaks down into Tetrahydrocannabinol in the human body. Some of the continents have plants that produce a mild Lysergic acid diethylamide variant.”
“Those are both deadly-“
“Humans use both recreationally.”
“What? I. That’s…”
“They’re pretty mild in terms of the drugs humans use.”
“I’m going to have nightmares about this conversation, aren’t I?”
“We also use them medically.”
“As what? Execution drugs?”
“They’re really helpful for people with PTSD, especially the LSD.”
“You’re going to fill this planet with traumatized humans so they can spend their days high?”
“Exactly! The planet’s considered so toxic it’s not even a candidate for a planet-cracker. Nobody wants to risk that plant life getting into space. Our battered warriors can retire in peace and safety.”
“Yep. I’m going to have nightmares. Doesn’t the planet also have vicious predators?”
“Yeah. They’re adorable.”
“You already have one as a pet, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“OK. Snap out of it. I’ll put in the offer for the planet.“
“Excellent!”
“OK. Now here’s the final planet you wanted to look at today. Desolate and largely lifeless, the last of the planet’s natives abandoned it after a failed attempt to steal all the air from planet Druidia.”
"Ah, I see the confusion. While Yes, I am buying up real estate that is technically uninhabitable, notice that most of them are due to location? As in, the planet or planetoid is that way because it isn't in the habitable zone, or the local conditions cause the problem, like the local star is too energetic, not energetic enough, has gone supernova, or gives off a strawberry pink color that causes local fauna to mutate into horny bastards..."
"...yes, the system did flag that, for personalised recommendations. You are saying that it was on purpose?"
"Indeed. Firstly, humans can be comfortable and tolerable to a larger range of temperatures and conditions. Second, our "can-do" mindset allows us to thrive in adverse conditions."
"Yes, but all of this only covers for 75% of the purchases! The rest are anathema to life even existing, for both long and short durations. Like this one, Elaria-7. Orbits a quasar-white dwarf binary system in the outer planetary neighbourhood. Is the site for the galaxy's worse techno-organic virus outbreak. Converted all biomass and processed materials into a singular mass. Covers the planet. Atmosphere is thick with the virus. Converts anything entering into more techno-organic mass. How in the Nine Heavens do you plan to use that?"
"Feed it."
"...my translator implant must be malfunctioning, because I thought you said you wanted to feed the planet-horror."
"Nope, right on that one."
"...why?!? and on a more morbid tone, with what? Then more of Why?!?"
"Because I can. With all the other 27 planetary bodies in the system. Because I can."
"I am pretty sure there is some Council by-law that prohibits the intentional strengthening of eldritch abominations..."
"Think about it, it converts everything into more of itself! It is made of all the materials, minerals it eats! Keep it suitably remote and secure and it is a giga-smelter!"
" How do you plan to harvest your gains?"
"I'm gonna sweet-talk it."
"...why did I even bother..."
"… Okay, hell. That doesn't explain the one orbiting the black hole that's bathed in a promptly-lethal X-ray flux…"
"Choom, that's *exactly* where you want to be putting a self-replicating nanotech development facility…"
The real estate agent just makes a choking noise.
"Even if anything sneaks out, it's just going to end up flash-baked by the radiation. It's perfectly safe!"
"Are you and your business partners **collectively out of your fucking minds?"**
Doubtful, since pooping infers it has unwanted/undigested stuff to be rid off. But since it absorbs everything to make itself, it won't have a need to poop.
We have gotten one over the Terrans for sure this time. I think.
The Trahetera system and especially Trahetera III was an absolute pit. No redeeming features at all. If it hadn't been discovered - and claimed by a well meaning if stupid explorer - back in the days of the second expansion, it would never been ours to sell to begin with. And we only kept it due to the tangled and convulsed regulations of the council. You know, the ones that comes down to "you claim it, you own it - and you're responsible for it".
The Trahetera system was well away from the normal space lanes, so there was little or no traffic in the system to tax or provide servises to. Granted, there was an okay asteroid belt, but the cost of shipping meant it could only be cost-efficient for in-system industry. The star - an unassuming, smallish, main sequence star, produced unacceptable levels of 280-400nm radiation. Deadly to most lifeforms.
As for the one potential life-supporting planet in the system? Two thirds of the surface was covered in liquid dihydrogen-monoxide. The remainder was mostly low, sandy islets - completely unsuitable for farming, and too unstable to build self contained Arcologies.
The atmosphere contains enough gaseous oxygen to be deadly to all methane breathers of the Council - and not enough to support the few oxygen breathers we're familiar with. And it let through a significant amount of the deadly stellar radiation. Small wonder all the life on Trahetera III, such as it was, was in the planet-spanning ocean.
Oh yes, the ocean. Not only is it the largest mass of dihydrogen-monoxide on any known planet... it also has dangerous levels of sodium-chloride. In short, it is acidic enough to dissolve the dermal covering of every species that don't have an exoskeleton. And of several of the ones who do too.
To top it of the planet is also partially tidal locked - a pronounced wobble meant that there was a dusk-day-dusk cycle along the terminator. The tidal locking also caused constant surface winds from the cold to the hot side.
Apart from a few suggestions - and, admittedly, attempts - of using Trahetera III as a penal colony, it was a drag on our Federation. So when the Terrans inquired about setting up a hypernet relay in the system, we offered to sell it outright. Better them than us, right?
We asked for too much. We knew we asked for too much - wanting to recuperate the cost owning and maintaining the system for almost a mega-cycle. We should have gotten suspicious when the Terrans almost fell over themselves in the hurry to finalise the deal, insted of negotiating us down to a fraction of what we asked.
Last micro-cycle the Terrans petitioned the Council to rename the system and planet. They have a list of names they hope will be acceptable - and pronounceable - by most council members, but they one they are promoting the most is *Paradise*. I talked to my secretary who, an I informed, are having a lot of social activities with a junior member of the Terran delegation. She claims that the Terrans - or humans, as she likes to call them - are planing to to promote Trahetera III as a pleasure and leisure planet.
I can understand why Sol III have outright banned visits from most coalition species, if Terrans are considering Trahetera III as a pleasurable alternative.
There is a tendril of doubt, however. I'm not sure if it is because we overcharged the Terrans enough to create a diplomatic incident if it became known, or if it is something I don't quite grok.
We will be able to make hundreds of seasons of TV shows off these Australian-style prison planets. We'll call these shows "Slayer"
Any prisoners who "volunteer" to be moved to these new prison planets, and if they can survive 10 years, we'll declare their sentence served in full and they can rejoin the rest of humanity.
Alien Realitor: “And with that, the sale is complete. If you don’t mind me asking, why would you want to buy Hypherthon-62? Everything on it is either poisonous, carnivorous or both. Even the things that can’t kill you want to.”
Human investor: “Ya see mate, I’m from a place called Australia, and my partner comes from Florida. That place is basically just like home! There are millions of people like us on our planet!”
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I work at the Institute for Planetary and System Acquisition. I’m just a clerk who files title deeds and records sales. Boring stuff really. I noticed an odd trend lately. Death Worlds, or slums as we call them, are dirt cheap and many species buy them in bulk at auction to start building an empire. These humans, though. Every Monday morning after an auction, they are like the ONLY species recording transactions. They don’t even have the infrastructure to visit 2/3 of these worlds, let alone do anything with them. So anyway, I ask this guy who’s been coming here for a few years now, “what y’all doing with all these worlds, anyway?” He looks up from his tablet, thinks for a moment, and says, I kid you not, he says, “I wanna be a slum lord.” He didn’t elaborate. Then two weeks later I hear about him buying a paradise world. Perfect in every way for a human. Said it was his new home. An entire planet just for him? I asked again, “seriously, what did you do with all those worlds? And how did you get so fucking rich?” He hands me a pamphlet, and it reads, “Rent to own your own planet! No money down, easy terms. Financing readily available.”
Smart man
Are you sure he's not part Ferengi?
Prety sure he is.
Alien Assistant: Sir why pay so much for a dead-world? PXX - Sekmeht 6 is entirely uninhabitable. After its sun went supernova its surface is nothing but a scorched glass wasteland, it's completely resource barren. Human Tycoon: Uninhabitable, yes. Resource barren, no. While the surface may be waste its core is pure molten lithium. AA: Are you saying you mean to mine the planet's core? HT: Of course not, don't be stupid... I mean to blow the whole thing to kingdom come and mine the tiny exploded chunks. AA: Surely, you can't be serious. HT: I am, and don't call me Shirley.
> its core is pure molten lithium. Holy shit. You know what lithium-6 does when subjected to a nuclear explosion? It eats neutrons and shits tritium. And if the neutrons are fast enough, so does lithium-7… suddenly essentially the entire planet decays into fusion fuel which is immediately burned. How many cubic Jupiters of hot gas at fifty million degrees does a planet suddenly detonating produce? That's not going to be mined for lithium, it's going to be converted into a strategic weapon that can destroy entire star systems!
Hm... po-tay-to po-tah-to
You *know* that'll just make them want to blow it up more yes?
Oh, yeah, that's something you build and keep in your back pocket for a *really* bad day.
Or one REALY GOOD DAY
Well, _somebody's_ going to have a really bad day when you fire that off…
"Thank you for your purchase... But, I'm still curious, why were you so eager into buying Astraiga 4, mister Mensrall?" "I can't dispose of malfunctioning biohazardous weapons on the same planet I produce them." "Ah..." "If you say anything about that, I'll have you visit Astraiga 4 after this."
I would imagine dumping waste on an uninhabitable planet toxic or otherwise would be a non issue
I would tend to think so, but dumping feral self-replicating __weapons__ on a deathworld with a strong selection pressure to become more dangerous… Do you *want* Tyrranids? Because that's how you get Tyrannids!
As long they never reach space it's fine, what could go wrong? 😂
"THAT KIND OF THINKING IS HOW YOU END UP GETTING TYRRANIDS, GODDAMMIT!"
It's fine, I'm sure it will work out
He has some words with your imediate superior, and you're immediately scheduled for a "subject expert" promotion, which coincidentally includes making sure you're always subject to review by a "leader of men" officer and their advisory team. You're never bored, and never feel the need to investigate that line of thinking, since your career offers you so many fulfilling opportunities to do Science™ for The Greater Good™.
Kill joy, snitches get stitches 😂
Or Terraformars...
Alien: What could you possibly do with Legini-Z6? The gravity is way too high to live on? Human: Diamonds. A: D...Diamonds? H: We can make diamonds and other minerals that require intense pressure. Just gather the stuff up, load them into a storage unit and store them on-site. We only need a month to make what takes 20 years on any normal planet. And it's almost literally a hundred times cheaper than using artificial production processes. Almost certainly a million times cheaper if we make use of every square inch of the planet.
Now how're you gonna get those diamonds out? If Earth's gravity were much higher, we never would have made it to orbit.
Anti-gravity or just really good rockets, I guess? Surely it's easier to resist crazy pressure for a 1 day delivery than exert it across many years?
In my opinion, space elevator may be more feasible, that, or catapulting them at intense speeds, yeah humans wouldn’t survive the speeds, but my argument is simple, robots, androids, and remote controlled drones, can
Yeah. There are lots of ways to do this. Or rather, it is human nature to *make this work.*
Exactly, ‘tis something humans do, that aliens don’t even consider Aliens: “we failed the first time, so it probably can’t be done” Humans: “hmmmmm, ok, ok, I hear you, counterpoint, LETS TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME!”
Try again with different parameters that is the scientific way ... "if at first you don't succeed ..."
"Just with more toys/guns/equipment/explosives!"
"We will find a way, or make a way" Motto of MIT
Space gun!
Gravity well?
Have you ever heard of an [Oberth maneuver?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oberth_effect) It's like a [gravity slingshot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravity_assist) combined with a hard burn. Through spacetime fuckery, burning your rocket at the deepest part of the slingshot extracts more energy from the fuel. Somehow, momentum is conserved despite this, and yes, this is a real thing. With a gravity well THAT deep, you've got a great candidate for launching interstellar missions to obscene speeds with only chemical rockets. But what happens when you take that and drive a nuclear rocket through it? You've basically just bought a spacetime catapult. (Catapult in the sense of the steam (and soon coilgun) catapults used on aircraft carriers to yeet aircraft to high speeds before they even leave the deck). If you can't figure out how to use this to make a fortune shipping stuff from everyhere to everywhere, then… you're not really trying hard.
Alien salesman: Planet HC-468. This world is mostly covered in dense jungle, forest, and swampland. It is known to have the most dangerous predators on that half of the galaxy. Most notably, the Cryxtak, which is in Earth terms much like a Tiger cross with Praying Mantis and roughly the size of an Elephant. Human Representative: Sounds like it would make excellent hunting. I'll take it. AS: Uhh. Very good, yes. Now Planet TX-924. This world has a perpetual continent sized storm on its north western hemisphere. Only a small portion of the planet is "habitibable," and even that still has to deal with never-ending winds. HR: So it would be a great pace for handglinding, base jumping, and kiting. I'll take it. AS: ... If, if you are certain. Now this one. ZZ-666. This one has zombies. It's a localized virus that has a currently unknown source, so no methods of removing it have been successful. All 13 billion previous residents are now combined as are virtually all known flora and fauna, and the virus has mutated them into some truly horridic- HR: I'll take it. AS: WHY?!! Why would you want this? HR: Halloween party.
"And we get to test our zombie fighting methods."
"You have any idea what people will pay for a live-action zombie apocalypse show? I guarantee you, we can get at LEAST a dozen seasons out of it!"
With right security measures you could stage life or death zombie fights, just need the right lawyer to get the paperwork going ... better call saul
Ehhhh, that's what telepresence drones are for. Problem with that is once you enter that biosphere, you can't be permitted to leave. Roach Motel protocol. You leave, and you'll probably spread the plague to another world and kill a few billion sophonts plus all the wildlife suffering, too. So even "winning" those life-or-death fights is a death sentence, 'cause you've got it now. In fact, I imagine being eaten alive would imply less suffering than slowly dying of zombie plague. Nah, better all around if the drivers are in orbit, and they use remote-control "toy soldiers" to fight the zombies instead.
Fights a fight, so I guess 
That's the spirit! :D
Alien zombies are only a problem, until the humans realize the disease is not transferable to humans or really any Earth evolved species
Arm death row prisoners and send them to the planet.
"Heyll, it's aabaht time!"
Man, people would pay to go to a station orbiting that place, strap into a telepresence rig, and remotely pilot a space-marine bot dropping into zombieville on a mission of murder. Games Workshop would almost certainly be willing to build Space Marine World into a theme park that makes the ambition of Jurassic World blush.
> WHY?!! Why would you want this? Science experiments!
A: Sir, you are aware of what planets you are buying, correct? H: Yes, yes I am. A: I need to remind you that those are deathworlds. H: I am well aware why they are so cheap. A: And you stated that you are buying them for colonization purposes. You do know that if you add terraforming into the costs that you are paying far more than you would for gardenworlds, right? H: Terraforming?
Humans are walking terraformers. They don’t need complicated and costly equipment for that.
> Terraforming "Terraforming? Oh, no, we're habiforming those systems." "… Habiforming? What do you mean by that?" "We're strip-mining the deathworld, and using the minerals to build a Dyson sphere, and living on __that."__ "… oh. Shit. Holy shit." "In the meantime, we're building a Banks orbital to house the construction crew we'll need for the sphere…"
“That… that would take generations of humans to complete!” “And? It’s always like that with colonization isn’t it?”
“You understand, this planet is a death sentence.” “Not for humans.” “Listen, I know you guys have a reputation, but as your finical advisor I can’t in good conscience-“ “The planet is covered in plants.” “Yes.” “Basically a planet of pleasant meadows, cool streams, and -“ “And plants whose pollen is a neurotoxin! Nothing can live through spring there except the creatures that evolved there!” “And humans.” “Ok. I’ll bite. What weird quirk of human biology makes this planet attractive to humans?” “T. H. C.” “Pardon?” “The pollen. It breaks down into Tetrahydrocannabinol in the human body. Some of the continents have plants that produce a mild Lysergic acid diethylamide variant.” “Those are both deadly-“ “Humans use both recreationally.” “What? I. That’s…” “They’re pretty mild in terms of the drugs humans use.” “I’m going to have nightmares about this conversation, aren’t I?” “We also use them medically.” “As what? Execution drugs?” “They’re really helpful for people with PTSD, especially the LSD.” “You’re going to fill this planet with traumatized humans so they can spend their days high?” “Exactly! The planet’s considered so toxic it’s not even a candidate for a planet-cracker. Nobody wants to risk that plant life getting into space. Our battered warriors can retire in peace and safety.” “Yep. I’m going to have nightmares. Doesn’t the planet also have vicious predators?” “Yeah. They’re adorable.” “You already have one as a pet, don’t you?” “Yeah.” “OK. Snap out of it. I’ll put in the offer for the planet.“ “Excellent!” “OK. Now here’s the final planet you wanted to look at today. Desolate and largely lifeless, the last of the planet’s natives abandoned it after a failed attempt to steal all the air from planet Druidia.”
Spaceballs alternate ending? His financial advisor: 
More of an extra post-credit scene.
Spaceballs the Real Estate Agent!
Moichendizing 
Don't forget, we're all just waiting for Mel to film & release *Spaceballs III: The Search for Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money*.
Probably the only movie that'd make me want to watch it in the theatre
Well, shit. There goes the planet.
Spaceballs lmao
The entire planet giving you seasonal contact high is an amazing premise. I'd upvote, but that feels rude at 69.
Thank you. It's a side story in a Space Opera I've been trying to flesh out.
"Ah, I see the confusion. While Yes, I am buying up real estate that is technically uninhabitable, notice that most of them are due to location? As in, the planet or planetoid is that way because it isn't in the habitable zone, or the local conditions cause the problem, like the local star is too energetic, not energetic enough, has gone supernova, or gives off a strawberry pink color that causes local fauna to mutate into horny bastards..." "...yes, the system did flag that, for personalised recommendations. You are saying that it was on purpose?" "Indeed. Firstly, humans can be comfortable and tolerable to a larger range of temperatures and conditions. Second, our "can-do" mindset allows us to thrive in adverse conditions." "Yes, but all of this only covers for 75% of the purchases! The rest are anathema to life even existing, for both long and short durations. Like this one, Elaria-7. Orbits a quasar-white dwarf binary system in the outer planetary neighbourhood. Is the site for the galaxy's worse techno-organic virus outbreak. Converted all biomass and processed materials into a singular mass. Covers the planet. Atmosphere is thick with the virus. Converts anything entering into more techno-organic mass. How in the Nine Heavens do you plan to use that?" "Feed it." "...my translator implant must be malfunctioning, because I thought you said you wanted to feed the planet-horror." "Nope, right on that one." "...why?!? and on a more morbid tone, with what? Then more of Why?!?" "Because I can. With all the other 27 planetary bodies in the system. Because I can." "I am pretty sure there is some Council by-law that prohibits the intentional strengthening of eldritch abominations..." "Think about it, it converts everything into more of itself! It is made of all the materials, minerals it eats! Keep it suitably remote and secure and it is a giga-smelter!" " How do you plan to harvest your gains?"
"I'm gonna sweet-talk it."
"...why did I even bother..."
"… Okay, hell. That doesn't explain the one orbiting the black hole that's bathed in a promptly-lethal X-ray flux…" "Choom, that's *exactly* where you want to be putting a self-replicating nanotech development facility…" The real estate agent just makes a choking noise. "Even if anything sneaks out, it's just going to end up flash-baked by the radiation. It's perfectly safe!" "Are you and your business partners **collectively out of your fucking minds?"**
"We are human"
"So… yes."
It has to poop right?
Doubtful, since pooping infers it has unwanted/undigested stuff to be rid off. But since it absorbs everything to make itself, it won't have a need to poop.
It eats pieces of shit like itself for breakfast? 😂
Let no good planet go to waste
Aliens: Owning this planet is a waste. Humans: \*Not\* claiming it is a waste!
H: It's not a 'death world'. It's a safari planet.
We have gotten one over the Terrans for sure this time. I think. The Trahetera system and especially Trahetera III was an absolute pit. No redeeming features at all. If it hadn't been discovered - and claimed by a well meaning if stupid explorer - back in the days of the second expansion, it would never been ours to sell to begin with. And we only kept it due to the tangled and convulsed regulations of the council. You know, the ones that comes down to "you claim it, you own it - and you're responsible for it". The Trahetera system was well away from the normal space lanes, so there was little or no traffic in the system to tax or provide servises to. Granted, there was an okay asteroid belt, but the cost of shipping meant it could only be cost-efficient for in-system industry. The star - an unassuming, smallish, main sequence star, produced unacceptable levels of 280-400nm radiation. Deadly to most lifeforms. As for the one potential life-supporting planet in the system? Two thirds of the surface was covered in liquid dihydrogen-monoxide. The remainder was mostly low, sandy islets - completely unsuitable for farming, and too unstable to build self contained Arcologies. The atmosphere contains enough gaseous oxygen to be deadly to all methane breathers of the Council - and not enough to support the few oxygen breathers we're familiar with. And it let through a significant amount of the deadly stellar radiation. Small wonder all the life on Trahetera III, such as it was, was in the planet-spanning ocean. Oh yes, the ocean. Not only is it the largest mass of dihydrogen-monoxide on any known planet... it also has dangerous levels of sodium-chloride. In short, it is acidic enough to dissolve the dermal covering of every species that don't have an exoskeleton. And of several of the ones who do too. To top it of the planet is also partially tidal locked - a pronounced wobble meant that there was a dusk-day-dusk cycle along the terminator. The tidal locking also caused constant surface winds from the cold to the hot side. Apart from a few suggestions - and, admittedly, attempts - of using Trahetera III as a penal colony, it was a drag on our Federation. So when the Terrans inquired about setting up a hypernet relay in the system, we offered to sell it outright. Better them than us, right? We asked for too much. We knew we asked for too much - wanting to recuperate the cost owning and maintaining the system for almost a mega-cycle. We should have gotten suspicious when the Terrans almost fell over themselves in the hurry to finalise the deal, insted of negotiating us down to a fraction of what we asked. Last micro-cycle the Terrans petitioned the Council to rename the system and planet. They have a list of names they hope will be acceptable - and pronounceable - by most council members, but they one they are promoting the most is *Paradise*. I talked to my secretary who, an I informed, are having a lot of social activities with a junior member of the Terran delegation. She claims that the Terrans - or humans, as she likes to call them - are planing to to promote Trahetera III as a pleasure and leisure planet. I can understand why Sol III have outright banned visits from most coalition species, if Terrans are considering Trahetera III as a pleasurable alternative. There is a tendril of doubt, however. I'm not sure if it is because we overcharged the Terrans enough to create a diplomatic incident if it became known, or if it is something I don't quite grok.
"Were running out of prison space, so weve started buying these planets to chuck all our prisoners on Australia style."
We will be able to make hundreds of seasons of TV shows off these Australian-style prison planets. We'll call these shows "Slayer" Any prisoners who "volunteer" to be moved to these new prison planets, and if they can survive 10 years, we'll declare their sentence served in full and they can rejoin the rest of humanity.
Or carve out their own petty kingdoms there...
Mad Max world. Rule that they aren't allowed to have space travel, and we just observe them form their own societies.
Alien Realitor: “And with that, the sale is complete. If you don’t mind me asking, why would you want to buy Hypherthon-62? Everything on it is either poisonous, carnivorous or both. Even the things that can’t kill you want to.” Human investor: “Ya see mate, I’m from a place called Australia, and my partner comes from Florida. That place is basically just like home! There are millions of people like us on our planet!”